The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

The amount of perfume in the air at Carousel Boutique threatens to choke me; I swear tear gas isn’t as bad as this. I force myself to deal with the sensory overload and walk in to the fitting room. Rarity gives me a large box with a bow on top.

“Try them on darling, I know you’ll love them.” She leaves to give me some privacy as I change.

I strip down and open up the box, inside are three maroon polo’s, how she knew my favorite color is beyond me, and just as many tan pants. At the bottom are two O.D. green t shirts and a matching pair of cargo pants, beneath them are several pairs of boxers. Damn, this is the best care package I’ve gotten in a long while; if there were a playboy and some skittles in there too I’d be in heaven.

I pull off my boxers and fish around in my pants, somewhere… ah, here it is. I grab a can of Axe, or shower in a can as I call it, and spray it all over my body. I can just barely smell it over all the candles and shit in here. I dress quickly, happy to have clean clothes, and leave the fitting room with my arms full of dirty clothes on top of the box. Rarity grabs my laundry with her magic and tells me that she’ll have them washed for me by tomorrow, I consider telling her not to use any scented detergents but I don’t, I’d rather not be an ass to someone who just gave me a hundred dollars worth of new clothes.

I sit down and wait as Rarity takes my clothes to her laundry room and Twilight tries on her new outfight. Well that’s what I assume she’s doing in the other fitting room. After a few minutes rarity returns and tries to start up some small talk with me. I’m too polite to refuse but to uninterested to actually listen to her idle gossip. I do catch a few bits and pieces though that sound intriguing.

“And someone saw Mac and some unicorn fellow walk out of the barn late at night… I hear that Dr. Whooves finally proposed, it’s about time… and then the CMC managed to set her hair on fire! With nothing but hay and seltzer water to boot….”

Her gossip and my lack of attention are both interrupted by Twilight coming back into the main room of the Boutique. She’s wearing a new dress and looks…nice I guess, it would be weird of me to think that a pony looked beautiful wouldn’t it? The gown is silken and just darker than her fur, it has a ruffled collar and flows into a skirt at her flanks, covering her tail and cutie mark. While it might sound hideous, rarity had made it gorgeous and Twilight pulled it off.

Rarity was already dressed in a sweater and beret, reminds me of what beatniks and hipsters wear, and ready to go.

Together we set off to the Cul Anes restaurant that Rarity had been so eager to try.

After a half hour walk we arrive at the restaurant to find a line around the building. I offer to fire a few rounds into the air to scare off the crowd, Twilight had my rifle and pistol in her saddlebags at Fluttershy’s and had since given them back, but Rarity says that such extreme, not to mention fun, measures are not necessary because we have reservations.

Rarity trots up to the bouncer and shows him the reservations; he lets us in without any questions or hassle. Damn, I really wanted to shoot something.

Inside we are shown to our table where the others are sitting and a special chair is even brought for me. When I ask the waiter why they have such large chairs readily available he explains that Cul Anes caters to Ponies as well as Griffons and diamond Dogs. Looking around the place I see both races, it’s kind of obvious who they are even to someone who’s never seen them before, and nod my thanks to the waiter. The Griffons and Dogs I see stick out like a sore thumb in this place, almost as much as I do, most of them look as If they’d sooner eat the ponies around them than anything on the menu, but what the hell, if their existence means a comfy chair that will hold my fat ass then I’m happy to have them here.

Another waiter, a flamboyant colt with two interlocking male signs for a Mark (partially covered by the tails on his jacket), comes to our tables and offers us the specials of the evening. Rarity and I both follow along with the choices he gives us but the other five look lost. Though I hadn’t noticed it the waiter had spoken in French, a language that I speak fluently, when he gave us the specials. Rarity, it seems, speaks enough to understand him but the others are clueless. I quickly translate the options for them and Twilight notes my knowledge of the language.

The waiter switches to English (Equestrian?) and takes our drink orders. I hesitantly ask if they have any beers and am told all about their fine selection of ale’s and lager’s. I smile, thank God they have beer here, and order a Mexicolt brew called Coltarona. Goddamn these puns though.

The others order their drinks; wine for Twilight and Rarity, hard apple cider for Applejack, some kind of cocktail (colttail?) for Pinkie and water for Fluttershy. Rainbow is still trying to figure out what the menu says (she’s stuck on the top of it, where it says ‘menu’ in a fancy font) and the waiter has to ask her twice more what she wants to drink. Dash looks up and tells him to get her whatever it was I got, Rainbow you might regret that decision, and returns to her menu.

After the waiter leaves to get our drinks Rarity and I help translate the menu for the others, I kindly lie to Dash and tell her that menu is French for food. We all make our decisions just as the waiter returns, rarity decides to show off her skills and orders in French, before the waiter leaves I whisper to him that she meant a side salad and not a stripper, that could’ve been awkward, and I order in French also.

The others order in English and the waiter says that it will be out in just a few minutes.

Apart from me everyone ordered pasta and veggies, pinkie of course also ordered five kinds of cake to try, but when Twilight asks what I got I refuse to tell her. There was a reason I ordered in French and she ignored me when I tried to tell her earlier, I guess she’ll find out the hard way now.

As we wait for the food rarity tells us about the head chef here, one Tobias Hayseed, and how well known he is for his dishes. It would make her night perfect, she says, if she could meet him. Seeing as our food will be a bit I excuse myself and find a restroom but not before ‘accidentally’ stumbling into the kitchen.

I find my way back to my seat just as our food arrives; we are served with a ‘Bon Apatite’ and everyone begins to eat, everyone but me. I sit quietly as the others dig into their first course, after a minute or two I spread some dressing over my salad and join them, thankfully forks were provided, my main course lie next to a baked potato under a silver serving dish. I think I’ll wait just a minute longer to uncover it.

Comments on the food are passed around but I remain silent, rarity notices that I haven’t lifted my tray yet and asks me if there is something wrong with my food.

“No, no, there’s nothing wrong with it at all. I was just waiting for it to cool before I began to cut it.” At this everyone around the table turns to look, wondering what I could have ordered that would need cutting, as I remove the lid. A gush of steam bellows out from underneath and I grasp a fork and knife, with a devilish smile to those at my table I cut a large hunk off and take a bite.

“Oh, so good. I was a little afraid that it would be undercooked but it’s perfect, I haven’t had a steak this good in ages. The potato looks pretty tasty too.” I speak after I have swallowed my first bite and I cut another chunk off as soon as my words are said. The delicious steak distracts me from the six stares that I’m receiving. I look up and at each of them, chewing as I look them in the eyes. I swallow the mouthful as my gaze meets Twilight. I blink, she stares.

“What, I tried to tell you earlier that Humans are omnivores but you ignored me.” Five sets of eyes were locked onto me, the sixth set belonging to Pinkie had returned to her cake (she’s been to Earth, she’s knows about this. And after all she is Pinkie.), after a moment of uncomfortable silence (more so for the five ponies around me than for me actually) Fluttershy speaks.

“You…you don’t eat ponies? Do you?” her voice is so soft that I can’t actually hear her, I rely on my lip reading skills (harder with ponies than humans but still manageable) to figure it out.

“No Fluttershy, humans only eat cows, pigs, chickens and fish.” I know it’s a lie but that all I eat so it counts. “I would never eat a pony, especially not a sentient one like you guys.” Only Twilight understands my last word but it seems to calm the all down regardless.

Fluttershy lets out a sigh of relief and rarity and Applejack fiddle with their hooves. Dash, not being able to let me have all the attention blurts out something.

“It doesn’t bother me any, why Gilda used to take me fishing and hunting and that never bothered me either!” dash speaks as though she expects an award for her words but I’m just confused.

“But who was (phone) Gilda?"

“Gilda? She was a griffon I’ve known since flight camp and my gir… uh and she was my good friend.” I think I’m the only one that notices her slip but I don’t nag about it; I’m not one to judge anyway.

“Ah, well this Gilda gal sure seems cool; I’d love to meet her one day.” But I am one to try and make others mad. Dash takes the bait and I see her cheeks flush with jealousy.

At that Dash jumps into a story of how they had a falling out recently, this leads Pinkie to describe the party she threw for Gilda and that leads to a discussion about my party tomorrow. Soon we’re all talking and laughing about various things. Bottles of wine and beer are emptied and all thoughts of my semi carnivorous diet are forgotten.

Twelve beers for me, two for Dash (What a lightweight!), and I’m in a good mood. A good meal, a good mood, and some good friends, what more could I ask for?

Weed, I’d definitely ask for some weed right about now.