The life and times of Lafayette Ryder

I fly away from Dallas’ home, refreezing time there as I go, and head for…

“Shit.”I have no idea where to find the personas that make up /B/. Discord and Celly are both dead at the moment and there’s no one else on this world that…

“This world,” I whisper to myself as I soar through the sky, “That’s it!”

I close my eyes and groan as I concentrate.

“If I’m doing this right…” I open my eyes and smile because my crazy idea just worked.

All around me derp eyed Pegasi and ponies with steampunk wings and horns fly about wildly, chocolate milk rains down into rivers of milk and honey, and ponies made of various and assorted beverages and foodstuffs float in hot air balloons on picnics.

“Holy shit!” I laugh. “I’m in Trollestia’s Equestria!”

“Queen Trollestia!” a passerby corrects me.

I smile at my folly start to fly away. As I head towards Canterlot inspiration strikes in the form of a wing cramp and I decide to practice my freefall skills. I fold my sore wings up and immediately drop like… something heavy. A brick, a log, a petunia maybe?

I push away the nagging inability to correctly finish my thoughts out of my mind as I reach terminal velocity. I lean back and spread my arms and legs out, I shout in joy and laugh as I plummet downward; this is a whole hell of a lot more fun when you’re not going to die in the end. I wait until the last possible moment to open my wings up and when I do a great gust of wind nearly tears them off. I holler from both the pain and the thrill as the updraft forces me back into the sky and steers me towards my destination of Canter…

“Clopalot?” I read the giant letters that sit above the city just like the Hollywood sign. “What the fuck does that mean?”

I skim through dozens of clouds filled to bursting with chocolate milk and make my way down to the city, once I’m there I get a pretty good idea of why the capitol here is named as it is; everywhere I look I see nothing but ponies pulling pranks or participating in orgies and more often than not doing both.

I land and maneuver through the crowds of frolicking, fornicating, and partying ponies until I near the palace. What I see there I’m sure will scar me for life, but I think it will be a cool scar, like the ones you show off to impress your buddies, but a scar nonetheless.

A hundred royal guards led by my own brother-in-law are busy servicing princess Luna and not one but two princess Celestias, one with pink, sparkling hair and the other wearing a smile that stretches from one ear to the other.

“Huh, I guess I’ll get to chat with Molly and Trollestia both at once.”

I stroll up to the main gates and waltz in past the lackadaisical guards, who are much more interested by their princess’, er, I mean queen’s actions than by me, and swagger up to the preoccupied royalty.

“Sup Molly,” I nod to the panting princess, “good afternoon your majesty,” I bow respectfully to the queen, “we need to talk.”

“Oh hey there Lafe,” Molly moans seductively, I’m not quite sure if it’s due to presence or the three guards behind her, “what’s up?”

“Who is this peasant?” Queen Trollestia demands an answer.

“Master Gunnery Sergeant Lafayette Ryder, ambassador for the humans.”

“He’s a good friend of mine.” Molly vouches for me.

“Well,” Trollestia grumbles, “I guess you can staaaayyyy…” a moan interrupts her sentence. “For now anyway.” She finishes.

“Thank you your highness.” I say as I take a seat next to them.

“So what are you doing here?” Molly asks. “Last I checked you were in a different reality with our slightly crazy sister Celestia.”

“I was but shit went down and now I’m here.” I tell her.

“What in Equestria happened?” Queen Trollestia asks.

“Put simply; I went crazy and now I need to talk to each of my shattered personalities, two of which being you, and fix my mind in order to go back and save my families.” I explain.

“The fuck dude?” Trollestia questions me.

“True story.” I swear.

“So how can we help?” Molly asks.

“Uh, well I need to talk to the both of you and find out what parts of your personality is yours and what part is mine, also is Discord anywhere- Shit!” I shout in surprise as the Draconequus’ head pops up from behind Trollestia.

“Wazzup bro?” he asks, licking his lips as he speaks.

“Fuck man,” I hold a chest and gasp for air, “you damn near gave me a heart attack.”

“Bad heart!” Trollestia points at my chest and shouts. “No attacking my new friend!”

“Uh…thanks.” I say. “So anyway, each of you make up a personality of mine, Trol- Queen Trollestia and Discord make up a crazy, random mindset I call /B/ and-”

“What?” Discord asks.

“Hmm?”

“Why do you call it Bee?” he asks.

“/B/,” I say, “it’s a random forum on a website called Fourchan-”

“Oh I know that place!” Trollestia shouts gleefully. “I own that website!”

“So you’re the one who corrupted the internet.” I say.

“Yep!” she replies happily.

“Anyway,” I try to get back on track, “can we, I dunno, just talk or some shit like tha?”

“Sure,” Queen Trollestia says, “let us retire to a more… private location.”

Together the four of us, tailed by a hundred sweaty, oil covered guards, head into the palace and find a cool room to sit in and chat. We sit down and immediately a quartet of servants begin to fan us and offer to feed us grapes and wine and cheese. While I accept the food and drink I refuse the polite offer of oral sex as we converse.

“But everyone gets blowjobs at diplomatic meetings!” Molly whines when the rest of the group follows suit. “Fine, be that way! But I’m getting some whether you do or not! Captain Armor!”

I neglect to look in Molly’s general direction as my brother sets to work on his princess.

“So let’s get this shit started.” I say. “What parts of you are in me?”

“Uh… the gay part!” Molly exclaims.

“No…” I facepalm and groan. “Guys, this is serious.”

“So was I!” Molly adds with a snicker.

“Jesus tap dancing Christ…” I mutter.

“Anyway,” Discord sighs. “Having known you for… what, a few months? I believe that the main mentality that you share with my good friend Trollestia and I is the natural urge to dredge pleasure up from the surprised reactions to your brilliant chaos.”

“Damn…” I respond to the unexpected wisdom. “That was deep.”

“Really?” He sounds amazed. “Because I just pulled that out of my ass.”

“Oh…” I gasp. “Well I still think it was a good evaluation of the topic.”

“Thanks.” I mutter. “So…”

“So,” Molly says, “you think back to what lead to become the perverted, chaotic bastard you are today.”

“Um...” I ponder the question. “Well Lizzie was the start of the pervy thing and then my buddy…”

“Your buddy?” Trollestia questions.

“My buddy Fish.” I tell them. “He and I used to get in a fuck ton of trouble for the stupid shit we pulled.”

“And?” Discord urges me.

“And I’m out.” I tell them as I fade from sight and return to my own universe.

<><><><><>

“That was odd.” Trollestia notes dryly after the inter-dimensional traveler leaves.

“Yep.” Discord agrees.

“Let’s fuck!” Molly shouts energetically.

“Sounds good.” the other two demigods join the fast forming free-for-all and proceed to fuck each other senseless.

<><><><><>

Three of three delt with.

Now to go have a nice little chat with the real me.