Captain Friendship and the Friendeteers!

by Ryusun

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Spike, Adventure, Crossover, Sex, Human, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6
Length: 8727

A cheap parody of Captain Planet! Crude, unimaginative and morally wrong.

Twilight, the Spirit of Friendship, can no longer stand how our world lacks harmony and unity!

She choses five special kids from the world to make things right! Will they succeed or will things go terrribly wrong?

Note: This a cheap parody of Captain Planet so don't expect a serious story. Sex tag is used for some implied and very short sections. Dark tag is used for some light, violent sections. Feel free to give opinions.

Published 2016-02-12 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-12 05:00:01 UTC

The World's new, greatest hope!

It’s the 21st century, the year 2014 to be exact. The world has changed tremendously since the introduction of the Iphone and its cheap gimmicks, time wasters and social networking in June 29, 2007. Youth now spends their days in seclusion in their rooms, in the corner of a cheap bar or even in the middle of a date with their partners who cries out for a good moment of intimacy checking their status updates and looking at cat videos on Youtube.

This great change has broken up the delicate balance of the most powerful magic of all in a world that was blessed one-thousand years ago: The Magic of Friendship!

In the middle of the Ocean Pacific, just two-hundred kilometers below the Tropic of Cancer, a mystic, secret island of fantasy existed: The Cutie Island. In the middle of the island, there was the Palace of Friendship surrounded by paradise and the full glory of nature brimming with the soft colors of rainbow.

Inside it, there was a special bedroom. In the royal bed whose blankets of silk and pillows of golden cotton and velvet fabric, the ruler of the place was sleeping in peace. It was none other than the legendary spirit who once saved the world of disaster in the age of darkness: Twilight Sparkle.

But a millennium has passed and her blessing is waning. The weakening of True Friendship is making ripples of nightmare inside the Spirit’s dreams. And one, unknown trouble surging in the world was the last drop. The darkness was too much to be ignored and at last, she awoke from her long slumber. Softly rubbing her beautiful amethyst eyes, she slowly stood up from her bed and with short steps she approached the exit of her room.

“What’s going on?” The Spirit of Friendship asked with drowsiness. “I felt a disturbance in the Harmony of the world all of the sudden! Spike? Spike! Where are you? Seriously, where is my loyal assistant when I need him?”

The Spirit regained her composure and she made haste in her steps, approaching with a bit of anger to her loyal assistant’s room. Suddenly, a horrible stench was perceived in her sense of smell.

“SPIKE!? What is that smell!?” The Spirit was angered. “How many times must I tell you that you must clean your- AAAAAAHHH!”

As soon as she opened the door, she was shocked by the image she was capturing with her eyes. Her loyal assistant was no longer part of the living. Instead, a corpse was inside his bed, and in front of it, a little envelopment perfectly packed with the name of the Spirit was written in it. After grieving for a few moments, she took the package and opened it. There was a letter inside and she read the contents of it.

‘Dear Twilight:

If you ever read this, it means that I’m no longer part of this world. Your supposed slumber of two days is already ten years by the time of the completion of this letter. I knew it was a bad idea for you to drink the Blessing of Luna, the Dream Deliverer! But noooo! The mortal dog is saying nonsense! The mortal dog doesn’t know jackpot of anything magical! I hope you are withered and ugly if you ever awake for leaving me stranded on this island with no means of leaving this cursed place! At least it has food!

Love, Spike!’

“I have been sleeping for ten years?” The Spirit said surprised. “But the Potion of Blessing that I gave to Spike should have extended his lifespan and youth for several centuries! And where are my teachers? Let’s see what the other pages say!”

´Part 2: For some reason, five hundred years after the completion of part 1, I’m still alive and kicking and you are still asleep. You know, I finally managed to use the Cloud of the Seer and I saw that the world is better without you! Civilizations are raising and the unorthodox worshipping through human sacrifices you created with the Royal Spirits is slowly starting to disappear! By sheer luck, they both ate bread to the point of shocking and died! Good Riddance!

Love, Spike!’

“Five hundred years!?” The Spirit was alarmed now! “And my teachers are dead!?”

‘Part 3: Another five hundred years have passed and I regret never having pooped in your room. I’m old and I also regret never having mated with lovely Winona one thousand years ago! And that was your fault! How many puppies we could have done together and you ruined it because you accidentally blasted her away during your fight with Discord! But you are still young and haven’t aged one bit! I read your diary and it made me remember that you were born immortal and unless you are killed, you will never die! But I can die, I hope for it! If I die and reincarnate again, and by chance of destiny you awake, please never look for me! I don’t want to be your dog ever again!

Love, Spike!

Note: Seriously, don’t search for me, ever!’

“I HAVE BEEN SLEEPING FOR ONE-THOUSAND YEARS!?” The Spirit was in panic. “AND NOW MY LOYAL ASSISTAN IS DEAD TOO!? WHAT’S THE CURRENT STATE OF THE WORLD!?”

Running with pressure and fright to the Cutie Map room, she summoned her magic power in it and the Cloud of the Seer appeared above it. Images of fighting, killing, complaining, tumblr, facebook, cheap cat videos, horrible sitcoms, bad movie sequels and shitty movie license games was filling the Spirit’s mind, and even though she was unaware of what most of those visions mentioned were, she knew it was terrible. Horrified by the state of the world, she came to a conclusion.

“Those poor, foolish, short-lived and totally misguided humans have lost their way! It’s time for the Elements of Harmony to rise once again! I need five special kids with unquestionable disposition to befriend complete strangers in a matter of seconds from the five corners of world!”

Twilight Sparkle used her omnipresent power to search for suitable candidates in the globe. Her ever present power allowed her to catch up with the world history to a certain degree and watch the memories of her prospects!

“AHA! I found them! Suitable candidates that will accept the tenants of Friendship without questions and reasons! From Tang China, Applejack! From the Toltec Empire, Rainbow Dash! From Visigothica, Rarity! From Hadramaut, Pinkie Pie! And finally, from the Tiahuanaco Empire, Fluttershy!”

Suddenly, The Spirit felt a great nostalgia near the place where she found Rainbow Dash!

“This essence, this soul… It’s Spike!” She said with delight. It was short lived, though. She felt that he had a new owner and stripping him away from him just like that would be horrible as the Spirit of Friendship. “Oh well, he can join too!”

Using her omnipotence, she summoned the kids from the five corners of the world. In a matter of seconds, six, first year, high-school teenagers and a dog appeared before her.

“Welcome to the Cutie Island! You are the world’s new, greatest hope!”

“Whoa! Whoa! What the hay just happened?” The cowgirl asked with surprise. “I was learning new farming methods on China!”

“And I was having soccer practice in Mexico with the big names of the female Championship of Europe!” The hot-blooded girl spoke.

“And I was learning to create the most fabulous of clothes in France!” The fair fashionista said.

“I was making parties and world peace in Africa!” The energetic girl exclaimed.

“A-and I was helping the poor animals in the Amazonas River!” The shy-like maiden weakly said.

“Who are you!? And what just happened?”

“So much for drama, Rainbow Dash! My name is Twilight Sparkle and I’m the Spirit of Friendship!”

Twilight and the five girls had a little exchange of words. With kindness and understanding, the five girls gave a quick and more complete update to the world’s state to the Spirit since her magic was more weakened than she expected. It seems that the ancient civilizations she once knew were long extinct and the alien names the girls mentioned were suddenly memorized in the Spirit’s organized mind. They also mentioned that the five of them were from the same town in Ponyville in the United States but it was a first for them to ever meet in person.

“So let me get this straight: Your name is Twilight Sparkle and you are the Spirit of Friendship?” Asked Rainbow Dash.

“And you brought us here because you were tinsy sad that the world is getting unfriendly and there aren’t enough parties in it?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Yes!”

“How can we help?” Rarity asked with complete disposition.

“With these!” The Spirit of Friendship summoned from the Cutie Map five rings of power that suddenly flew to the fingers of their owners. “Those are your rings of power! Each one represents an Element of Harmony and can harness the power of nature to a certain degree! For example, Rarity can control the grace of the wind!”

“How do I use it?”

“Try to remember the last time you were generous with someone and focus that energy to create a tornado outside the palace through that window over there! The stronger the morality of your deed, the stronger the effect of the ring!”

Rarity walked to the window and she tried to remember her last act of generosity.

“Ah! The time when I gave that poor beggar my baguette and some medicine when I was really hungry and sick!” Suddenly, the ring started to spark repeatedly and with unknown instinct, she released the power. “WIND!”

A strong tempest of wind emerged from her ring. In a matter of seconds, a gigantic tornado was formed and it rapidly flew away to the east of the earth.

“Wooo! Nice! And the ring color matches with my hair!”

“I’m glad you like it! Applejack, you have the power of Earth! Why don’t you try to make an earthquake from that other window over there?”

“Shoot! This one looking to the west?”

“Yes! Now, try to remember the last time you were honest!”

“Easy! When I could have received two million dollars if I have told a lie to the police, but I chose to don’t do it!” Her ring glow like the ring of Rarity. “EARTH!”

A powerful tremor was felt outside the island and a mountain emerged a few kilometers from its location.

“Perfect! Rainbow Dash, you control fire! Why don’t you try to summon a fire missile over that window?”

“This one?”

“That’s right! Now, try to remember the last time you were loyal to someone!”

“When I sided with my teammates instead of accepting dirty soccer deals with EA Sports!” A sudden burst of energy was felt from her ring, urging to be released. “FIRE!”

A torrent of magma-like fireball was shot to the north of the earth.

“Good job, Rainbow Dash! Now Pinkie Pie, you have the power of water! Step in that window over there and try to remember the last time you shared laughter with people! ”

“Easy, it was an hour ago when I was in middle of a party to help war victims to recover their smile through a charity program!” Her ring glow with great glimmer and she released her powers with a quick blow. “WATER!”

A big tsunami three times bigger than the Eifel tower was created in the sea! Said body of water traveled at a third of the speed than the fireball of Rainbow Dash to south of the planet.

“Everything is going really nice so far! And finally, Fluttershy!”

“There is no need for you to say what my power is, Great Spirit!” She closed her eyes and suddenly, she spoke… “It’s heart! And I can feel you all, hear you all, and feel your feelings!” …with telepathy!

“Wow!”

“Cool!”

“Fantastique!”

“I’m nervicited!”

“For the greatness of Friendship and the fate of the planet, you are now a team and best friends! Now and forever, you are the Friendeteers!”

The five girls celebrated with emotion and excitement their new job. The Great Spirit was satisfied for another wise chose of inexperienced teenagers that will blaze fearless to the battlefield and was hoping for a promising future for the Magic of Friendship in the world.

“WAIT, WAIT!” A grumpy teenager with a dog secured in his arms stopped their celebration. “Are you really going to accept the words of a magical being that practically kidnapped us from nowhere and whose origins are a complete mystery to us? And the Friendeteers? Seriously!? THAT’S A STUPID NAME!”

“ARF!” The dog barked with agreement.

“Oh! I nearly forgot about you! It seems you have taken care of my dog magnificently!”

“YOUR DOG? It’s mine! I found it on the street seven months ago as a newborn puppy! And he is my loyal companion! Right, Spike?”

“ARF!” The dog barked with approval while moving his tail with happiness.

“Ohohoho! No, no! You see, that’s my dog reborn! It’s really a funny coincidence that you named it like that too!”

“Reborn, you say?” The young man said in confusion while looking at his dog.

“Yes! Let me give you proof!”

The Great Spirit summoned a small cloud in front of her, and from it, a bottle appeared with purple contents brimming with stars of the same color of the Spirit’s eyes.

“This will give back to Spike the gift of speech!”

“That looks poisonous for my puppy!” The young man said in defiance.

“It’s completely safe…you…uh”

“Nitpick Bittersweet, and I won’t allow you to make him drink that weirdo shit!”

“Hey, partner! Watch your language!” An angry Applejack said.

“Don’t you know that cursing in front of a lady is of bad education, darling? Imagine now that you did it in front of six!” Rarity remarked with disapproval.

“I don’t care! Spike won’t drink that crap! Right, Spike?”

“ARF, ARF!” He barked in approval.

“Spike! Come here and drink from the bottle, my loyal assistant! Prove to this boy where your loyalties lie!”
Silence. The dog didn’t move nor obey the wish of the Spirit of Friendship.

“Spike! Come here, now!”

“This is ridiculous! Spike, let’s find a way to get out of here!”

“ARF”

The young man walked with great speed to the exit.

“Rarity! Use the power of Generosity to bring them here!”

“WIND!”

A mini tornado appeared around Nitpick and Spike, which brought them in front of the Spirit. Applejack used the power of Earth to create a prison so they couldn’t move.

“Thank you, Applejack!” Twilight said with tenderness. “Now, Spike! It’s time to come back to your rightful place at my side!”
The dog struggled in trying to break free but it was of not use. Whining and frightened of the horror of what was going to happen were filling his mind. The Spirit carefully put the mouth of the bottle in Spike’s lips and he slowly started to drink the magic liquid. Once over, he suddenly twitched and fell to the ground.

“SPIKE, NOOOOO! YOU KILLED HIM, BITCH!”

“I don’t know why you called me like that or what does it means but don’t worry! Wait just a moment!”
Spike suddenly floated and brimmed with light and finally he got back to the floor in two paws. He looked around for a moment while trying to maintain his equilibrium and when he finally was in his full conscious, he did something strange.

“FOR CELESTIA’S BANE! DIDN’T YOU READ THE LETTER I WROTE FOR YOU!?”

“HE CAN TALK?” Rarity said with surprise.

“Oh, Spike! What happened to us was a little mistake! I know deep inside that you missed me!”

“I didn’t miss you!” He said in defiance while growling with anger.

“Tee hee hee! Don’t be like that, Spike! Tell me, didn’t you miss the palace all this time you were reborn in the world? Or did you really enjoy the world of the mortals more than being with me?”

“Actually, yes! It was paradise compared to this prison! I can poop on the street, for Gaia’s sake! Nitpick, can we go back now? I want so see you play that new game you bought last night!” The dog said with genuine excitement.

“Ah… yeah, sure!” The young man said while being released from his imprisonment, unsure if he should be perturbed or amazed.

“Oh no! You won’t! Now you belong to the team and he will return to the place he came from! As for you, go to your room and clean your mess, mister!”

“NO! Nitpick, you won’t leave me with her, right!? She is CRAZY!” Spike desperately asked to his new and trusted owner.

“He is now my pet! I raised him, bought food for him and if he wants to stay with me, then hell he will come back with me!”

“Odin bless you!”

“Oh, for Celestia’s Sake! You are acting like a puppy, Spike!”

“Because I’m a puppy again!”

“I have a better idea, Great Spirit!”

“Yes, Fluttershy? What do you have in mind?” The benevolent Twilight asked with a pleasant tone to one of her new champions.

“What don’t you make him stay with us? He could make company to Spike while you are busy with the Cutie Map and channeling your powers on the world!”

“And he could help Spike in being the cleaner of the palace after the completion of the Friendship Missions I have for you!”

“WHAT!?”

“NOT AGAIN!”

“What a great idea, Fluttershy! Nitpick, you’ll be with Spike and become my personal slav- I mean, the sidekick of the girls!”

How in the world he ended up with a group of weirdoes was beyond Nitpick’s mind. Perhaps it was the karma of another Nitpick from an alternate dimension transmitted to him for being an asshole.

“B-but!”

“It’s decided! Now, with the power of my magic and this smartphone with a map of the new world in it, I’ll update the Cloud of the Seer so I can send you to the origin of what made me awake from my slumber!” She channeled her magic to the phone and from it, an arc of light jumped to the cloud. “AHA! This is your first task, Friendeteers! You must go to the city of Amsterdam in the Netherlands immediately to solve a Friendship problem! It seems that a couple had a dispute and you must go there and fix it!”

“Alright! Let’s go, y’all!”

“Wait, Wait!”

“What’s wrong, partner!?”

“Applejack, first things first! Are you really going to a city far away from this place just to barge in the relationship of two strangers?”

“No, Nitpick!” Answered the Spirit. “The seven of you are going to a city far away from this place to barge in the relationship of two strangers!”

He didn’t know if he wanted to facepalm or keep asking questions.

“And how the hell are we supposed to do that? We are in the middle of nowhere!”

“Easy! I have a flying ship that uses clean energy in case something like this happened! Behold, the Rainboom Ship!”
In the gardens of the palace, a secret door was opening from the floor. An advanced and futuristic airship painted in the colors of rainbow emerged.

“WOW!”

“NICE!”

“INCREDIBLE!”

“SUPER AMAZING!”

“IT LOOKS PRETTY!”

“Spirit…” Nitpick spoke. “You had an advanced flying ship all this time that it’s hundreds of years ahead of our current technology?”

“Yes!”

“And it uses the power of the sun as a power source instead of fossil fuel?”

“Yes!”

“If you had technology like this one-thousand years ago, why the hell half of the current world is a hellhole of poverty and starvation thanks to the nations fighting for oil? Also, weren’t you unaware of modern terms until these girls gave you a brief update in the world state?”

“Ah…well…! I have an explanation for all that… Let’s see… RARITY!”

“WIND!”

“AAAAHHHH!”

“WAAHH!”

Nitpick and Spike were sent flying straight to the ship and they fell to the last seat of it. Dizzy and confused, both of them tried to get out of there but to no avail. The girls already boarded the airship in a matter of seconds and Rainbow Dash started the engines.

“AMSTERDAM, HERE WE GO!”

The ship took flight and with insane speed compared to modern aircrafts, they flew away from Cutie Island.

“Girls! Don’t you think this is weird?” Nitpick asked. “An ancient spirit kidnaped us to save the world, bestowing upon you powers that you don’t know how to use in it’s entirety and sending us to various places in the world with no money, no passports, no knowledge of the language or the culture of the place in an extremely convenient ship with six seats?”

“Could you stop being so unfriendly and have trust in the Spirit of Friendship? You are annoying me and that’s not cool!” Rainbow Dash expressed with annoyance. “Accept the fact we have been summoned to save the world and stop asking questions! I can’t pilot the ship with your negativity in the air!”

“DO YOU EVEN NOW HOW TO FLY THIS THING!?”

“Chill out, Nitpick!” Rainbow said with cockiness. “It has a controller and the commands are the same as the Ace Combat game for the Xbox 360! Everything is going to be fine!”

“We are doomed…” Nitpick said resigned.

“This is not happening! This not happening again!” Spike mumbled while trembling and his eyes were twitching.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Nitpick asked while scratching his dog behind the ear.

“Oh! Perhaps the poor Spikey-Wikey misses the Spirit!” Rarity said.

“NOU!”

“Poor fellow!” Applejack exclaimed. “If only the Spirit could be with us!”

“She is, Applejack! Watch!” Fluttershy raised her hand to the heaven and shouted her element. “HEART!”

An image in the skies appeared and the face of Twilight Sparkle was flying in front of the ship.

“Don’t worry, Friendeteers! Although I need to stay in Cutie Island, I will always be with you in Spirit!”

“Why do you need to stay in Cutie Island!?” Nitpick asked with confusion. “You should come with us to teach them the ropes!”

“I can’t! I need to stay here!”

“Why?”

“Because I need to monitor the world with the Cloud of the Seer!”

“But you are omnipresent! You don’t need the cloud to watch things!”

“Of course I need it! It allows me to see the problems of the people in a spiritual level! How do you think I managed to recruit them as my Champions? This is how my late teachers, the Spirits of the Sun and the Moon, taught me to do things!”

“So you stalked the world in search of five imbeciles to do your dirty work again, Twilight?” Spike asked with skepticism.

“Uh… RAINBOW DASH!”

The pilot of the ship pressed a button, making a magical rope and tape appear around Nitpick and Spike. They were now trapped and were struggling in the floor to break free.

“Thank you, Rainbow Dash!” The amiable Spirit said.

“No problem!”

“You must have faith in yourselves, Friendeteers, because you are fighting for the Harmony of the whole world!”

“But what if we encounter a meanie enemy who is unfriendly and we can’t convince him to be good?”

“Excellent question, Pinkie Pie! When that moment arrives, join your powers in the sky! When the might of Honesty, the honor of Loyalty, the grace of Generosity, the joy of Laughter and the tenderness of Kindness unite, the spark that ignites the Magic of Friendship will be revealed before you! With it, a Champion of Friendship will emerge and help you in your quest! But beware since you’ll be defenseless while she is summoned!”

And with that, the spirit disappeared.

“WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?” Nitpick yelled, finally escaping from his imprisonment while helping Spike get out.

“You should sit down, darling! Seriously! Why are you in negativity all of the time?”

“Why, you little-!”

Nitpick was interrupted by the soft scratches of his dog.

“Forget it! It’s of not use to discuss with them!” Spike whispered. “Just follow the flow and let’s hope for the best...!”

It took the ship two hours to arrive to the city of Amsterdam. Its artistic heritage, elaborate canal system and narrow houses with gabled facades, legacies of the city’s 17th-century Golden Age left in awe to the crew of the Friendship Rainboom Ship. Parking the ship in the middle of a park, the Friendeteers searched for the building that the Cutie Radar pointed.

“I believe this is it!” Applejack spoke in front of a large building. “The Courtesan Club!”

“What is a courtesan?” Innocent Fluttershy asked.

“Dear Fluttershy! It means courtier and is a person who was often in attendance at the court of a king or other royal personage in ancient times! No doubt inside this place, only members of the high society of the Netherlands come here!”

“Oh! Thank you, Rarity! That sounds so interesting!”

“Anytime, dear! Every day we learn something new!”

“NOOOU! That is not the modern meaning of the word! It actually is an elegant pr-”

“Listen, Bittersweet! I just met you three hours ago and I’m already tired of your reasoning and mistrust!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed in frustration. “Why don’t you let the heroines of Friendship manage this, ok?”

“FOR FUCK… FINE! Do whatever you want!”

“Glad to see we are starting to understand each other! Girls! Let’s go in there and-“

A crying man suddenly opened the door and tripped on the stairs, making him receive a painful impact on the floor.

“What’s wrong, mister? Why are you so sad?” Pinkie Pie asked while trying to help him.

“Waarom? WAAROM?”

“What did you say?”

“I believe he doesn’t speak English, girls!” Spike remarked with cynicism.

“How can somebody not know English? It’s the language of the world!”

“Your ignorance on the state of the world surprises me, Rainbow Dash!”

“Spikey-Wikey! That’s not a nice thing to say!”

Spike decided to not continue the pointless conversation, frowning in annoyance instead.

“I have an Idea, girls! I will use the power of heart and we’ll learn his language in an instant!” Fluttershy concentrated her thoughts and unleashed her power. “HEART!”

Suddenly, all the teenagers and Spike knew how to speak Dutch.

“WHY? WHY!?” The man was asking in despair.

“I finally understand him! What’s wrong, mister? Why are you so sad?”

“My fiancé left me because she said that I would be a bad performer in bed!”

“He must be the one we were supposed to help!” Said Rarity with optimism to the girls. “Then why don’t you try to be a good gentleman in bed?” Rarity said innocently, making the man cry harder. “Oh, Pardon me! I didn’t mean to offend you! Please, take this tissue and calm down!”

“We should go back to the park so he can relax a little!” Applejack suggested.

A few minutes after the incident and managing to get some fresh water for the Sir in need, the girls started again to fix their first Friendship Mission.

“Are you feeling okay, now?” Fluttershy asked with concern.

“Yes…’sob’”

“Why don’t you start by telling us who are you, good sir?

“My name is Fancy Pants!” He said softly.

“Why are you so sad?”

“I don’t think young girls like you could understand!”

“Don’t worry, Sir! We are the Friendeteers! We came here to help you solve your friendship problems!” Applejack said.

“We are super heroes! We have powers! Watch! FIRE!”

Rainbow Dash shot from her ring a little fire ball that landed in a tree and disintegrated it!

“CHILDREN! YOU SHOULDN’T PLAY WITH FIRE LIKE THAT! You could hurt someone!”

“Relax! The Spirit of Friendship chose us single-handily! Do you think a wise and powerful Spirit like her would give huge powers to just anybody?”

“YES!” Spike yelled. “THAT’S HOW ATLANTIS FELL ONE-THOUSAND YEARS AGO!”

But none of the girls or Fancy Pants paid him attention.

“Suddenly what you say made so much sense! I believe you, young ladies!” Fancy Pants expressed.

“NOOOO!” Spike yelled in body and spirit.

“Now will you tell us what your problem is?”

“Well… my fiancé, Tropical Dream, said that she wanted adventure before marriage! We traveled around the world and everything was fine until we arrived here! She wanted… to do kids…!”

“I don’t see the big deal in it!” Rainbow remarked. “Everyone knows that the Stork delivers babies if you wish it hard enough!”

The girls agreed completely with that answer.

“Uh… Right…!”

“Oh god! We are doomed!” Nitpick mumbled.

“This five are way worse than the ancient ring bearers!” Spike trembled by their ignorance.

“Anyway, my fiancé met a man called Spoiled Rich and they started to have small dinners the last couple of days and…!”

“Since you acted too nice and tried to arrive pure to marriage, she left you for another man and now he is cherry popping your girl, right?” Nitpick completed his sentence with indifference.

“YEEEEESSS!” He started to cry again.

“Oh, poor Mr. Pants!” Fluttershy embraced him while consoling him and rubbing his hair tenderly. “Don’t worry! We’ll bring you back your girlfriend!”

“H-how!?”

“With the Magic of Friendship!” The five girls said in unison.

The Friendeteers quickly began their journey to the Club while Nitpick and Spike facepalmed in frustration. They were lucky since nobody was guarding the entrance during meal time. Pinkie Pie looked through the logs to see where their target was located and they eventually arrived to their spot. Rainbow Dash was going to kick the door down but she was stopped.

“What the hell are you doing?” Nitpick whispered in distress. “We can’t interrupt their privacy like that!”

“He is right, Darling! It’s illegal!”

They suddenly heard noises inside the door. Many gasping’s were heard and small vibrations could be felt from the door.

“We need to find a way to enter in there, y’all!”

“No! I have a better idea! I will use my power to hear and feel them to see what the real problem is!”

“No, Fluttershy! Don’t do it!”

“Why not, Spike?”

“Just no, please!”

“Listen to the dog, Fluttershy!” Nitpick urged her while ashamed to say that a dog has more reason than humans. “Besides, aren’t you invading their privacy by trying to hear them with your powers?”

“Goodness, no! I’ll feel their feelings and with that we will help Mr. Pants in what really Miss Tropical needs from him!”

“Perhaps he needs to give her more flowers and dresses! Every girl loves that!” Rarity said while stars shined in her eyes.

“Okay! Here I go!” Fluttershy concentrated her kindness in a single point and released in front of her. “HEART!”

The waves of Heart reached their destination and Fluttershy made contact with not one, not two or three, or four, or five but six people in it. She could feel them, hear them, and feel their feelings. It was new to her, it was savage, it was…

“HARDER! HARDER!”

“YOU LOVE IT THIS WAY, DON’T YOU?”

“YES! INSIDE! I WANT TO FEEL YOU ALL INSIDE!”

“OH, YEAH! YEAH!”

“AH!”

“AAH!”

“AAAHH!”

“AAAAHHH!”

“AAAAAAHHHH!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

“KYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!”

Fluttershy was scarred for life.

“I told you.” Spike said with indifference.

“Sugarcube, what happened!?” Applejack said with extreme worry while embracing Fluttershy.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

“HEY, YOU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE!?”

“Crap, they spotted us! Run!”

The girls obeyed Nitpick’s instructions and faster than a racing car, they managed to get away anonymously to the park and joined Fancy Pants’ side.

“Oh! Girls, it’s good to see you are fine! Did you manage to get inside?”

“NOOOOOO! I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING INSIDE! I DON’T WANT THIS RING ANY LONGER!”

The broken maiden tried with barbaric desperation to remove the ring from her finger. She tried and tried until she could no longer continue.

“Why I can’t remove this ring from my finger?” She said in tears.

“Uh… because you are a Friendeteer, Fluttershy.” Spike responded. “Once you accept the oath with all your heart, you can no longer remove the ring until you die! ‘Now and forever’, remember?”

“NOOOHOHOH!” And with that, she started to cry.

“It seems that Fluttershy’s method didn’t work! We must think on something else!”

“Agreed!” The rest of the sane girls said.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Your friend is traumatized and you are going to leave her like this?”

“But the Friendship Mission must be completed, Nitpick!” Twilight Sparkle’s image suddenly appeared. “And I know how to help Fancy Pants! Why don’t you try to make an act of heroism near her? That way she’ll respect you more!”

“How?” Fancy Pants asked with complete disposition.

“AREN’T YOU SCARED OF THE FLOATING HEAD!?”

“No! A pretty, young face like that seems completely reliable!”

“You see, Nitpick? You should learn to rely on me as fast as he did!”

“This world is doomed.” Spike concluded.

“I know, Spike… I know.”

“Well, where was I? Let’s see in the Cloud of the Seer… Why this Google Map doesn’t work? AHA! There is a truck full of imprisoned serial killers outside the Club! Friendeteers, release them so Fancy Pants can recapture them again! That way, he’ll earn the respect of his friend!”

And the Spirit disappeared again.

“What a rad idea the Spirit has! Let’s go, everyone!” And nearly all followed Rainbow Dash.

“WAIT!”

“OH GOSH! WHAT NOW, BITTERSWEET!?”

“ARE YOU REALLY GONNA RELEASE DANGEROUS CRIMINALS SO A RICH AND GROWN-UP MAN CAN GET BACK A TWO-TIMER INSTEAD OF MOVING ON AND GET A BETTER FIANCE!?”

“Yes!” Four of the Heroines said in unison.

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!?”

“Fluttershy, darling! What’s going on?”

“I don’t feel well so I’ll stay here!” She said while sitting under the shadow of a tree. “Oh, the trees have easier lives than us!”

“What? But we need you! You are part of the team!”

“No! I don’t want to go back there, Pinkie!”

“Come on, Sugarcube! Everything is going to be fine!”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash dragged her with them while the broken maiden was screaming like a maniac in opposition to go back to the Club. Having enough of them, Nitpick and Spike slowly started to go back to the ship.

“So… one-thousand years…?”

“Yes! I never imagined seeing again Twilight!”

“How was the world back then?”

“The same, only less populated and technological! With Great Spirits ruling it all!”

“What happened?”

“Well, some Spirits depended on prayers to keep living while others like Twilight are immortal unless killed. So when they stopped praying, most Spirits died… like those girls who are about to get killed by dangerous serial killers!”

“We should help them…”

“Why!? They will bring that upon themselves!”

“But Spike…” Nitpick kneeled to pat his dog’s head. “…they are teenagers… like me!”

Spike knew he was right. Even if he was a puppy again, his spiritual age allowed him to see things clearly and maturely. He gave a nod to his new owner and Friend, and they ran to the Club. Suddenly, a massive orchestra of sirens was heard. The military, firefighters, ambulances and cops were rapidly going in the direction of the Club. Spike and Nitpick ran with haste only to arrive to the point of interest and see that the Friendeteers, Fancy Pants and several people were taken hostages inside the building and the criminals were armed with heavy fire weapons.

“OH, COME ON!” Spike yelled in frustration.

From the military, a representative spoke with her megaphone. “THIS IS THE MILITARY! SURRENDER PEACEFULLY AND NO ONE WILL BE HARMED!”

“Heavens! Those criminals captured innocent children that had nothing to do with this incident!” A lady said in dismay.

Spike wanted to yell out at that comment but he managed to shut up.

“What are we going to do, Spike?”

“I don’t know! You don’t have a ring of power and we can’t go in there!”

A criminal in the building gave a few steps to the window and shouted to the authorities. “THESE ARE OUR DEMANDS! WE WANT A HELICOPTER FOR FIVE PEOPLE! FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND EUROS AND THE PROMISE THAT YOU WILL NOT INTEREFERE IN OUR ESCAPE AND NOBODY WILL GET HURT!”

“I believe this isn’t going as planned!” Rainbow Dash said with a bit of fear and a little smirk.

The citizens were scared for the fate of the victims. The military was planning to make a joined operation with the police while the firefighters made a distraction and the medics tried to maintain everyone alive.

“They are going to die if this keeps going on like this!”

“Nitpick! Why don’t you try to persuade them to lower their arms?”

“What? Me?”

“Yes! I have known you for just seven months but I know you are good person! I have seen millions of horrors during my time of imprisonment in the Palace of Friendship so I can see who is a good apple or not! I know you can do it! I believe in you!”

Nitpick not knowing what to do, tried to think things carefully. His talking dog was saying he could do the difference. But how he will do that? He didn’t have powers to persuade! He could only talk with reason.

“That’s it! I’ll talk with them like a rational human being!” He quickly approached the soldier with the megaphone. “Sir! I need to use that thing!”

“Son! This is a restricted area! Go away by the good means or we’ll force you to leave!” The representative talked with authority and unfriendliness.

“WAIT! Let me talk to them! My… uh, friends! My friends are there and they are scared! Let me give them a word of hope! Please, I beg of you!”

“Son! I know how you feel!” She suddenly turned empathetic and understanding “I have experienced several times this kind of scenarios! Trust me, kid, we’ll save them so go back and wait there!”

Nitpick tried to invent an excuse and when he saw Fluttershy on the distance, he got an idea. “But one of them hasn’t taken her meds! The pink one over there is scared and she is a very weak-minded person! Look at her!”

The soldier used her binoculars to look for the girl in question. She found her and saw what the young man said was true. She was trembling, crying and almost breaking down unlike most of the other hostages. “My god…!”

“Please! My other friends have no means to help her! She could die by cardiac arrest by the time help arrives!”

The representative called to her superior about the situation. After exchanging morals and humanitarian words, the soldier gave her thumbs up. Spike saw the soldier with renewed hope. There are still good people in the world. Nitpick took the megaphone and started to speak.

“Girls! Don’t worry! Help will come for you and everything is going to be fine! We will go back home safely and eat hot-cakes with honey and hot-chocolate soon!”

“WHO THE HELL IS TALKING!?”

It was one of the criminals and that was the reaction that Nitpick wanted. “Please, Mister! Let me talk with my friends! They are scared!”

“SO WHAT!? WE ARE WAY SCARED THAN THEM! IF WE GO BACK, THEY’LL KILL US!”

“Why will they kill you!?”

“BECAUSE WE… WE DID BAD STUFF, OKAY!?

“Why did you do bad stuff?”

The criminal didn’t reply. It seemed that an inner struggle was taking place between the killers. Finally, another criminal talked instead.

“BECAUSE WE WERE HUNGRY! WE WANTED SOMETHING TO EAT!”

“And you killed people to get what you wanted?”

“YES!”

The people reproached them and yelled at them with bad looks.

“SHUT UP OR WE’LL KILL THE GIRLS!”

“Why do you want to kill the girls? They are innocent!”

“BECAUSE… B-BECAUSE WE CAN!”

“Even if you can, you will still be condemned to death! I don’t know you or the reasons why you ended up there! But what I know now is that if you kill those girls, people will resent you, curse you! You may already be sentenced to death but… look at those girls! Look at them in the eyes!”

The criminals did as he said and carefully looking to the eyes of innocence from the Friendeteers, they slowly started to feel something that they thought it was lost to them: Their humanity.

“Do the right thing! Drop the weapons and have the virtues to forgive your selves!”

It worked. The killers were starting to doubt their intentions. The only thing they had to do was to wait for them to drop the weapons, and everything will turn out alright, their lives will be spared before the eyes of justice. But the Friendeteers had something better in mind. Rapidly knowing what to do with this opportunity, Applejack and the others acted quickly, pointing their rings to the heaven to save the day.

“THIS IS OUR CHANGE, Y’ALL! LET OUR VIRTUES COMBINE! MIGHT!”

“HONOR!”

“GRACE!”

“JOY!”

“HEART!”

The skies darkened as the rainbow of virtue appeared in it, thunders clashed in the heavens, nature was in fright. All of the sudden, a ball of energy brimming like the sun appeared above the Club. From it, the figure of a Phoenix Angel appeared and took fly to the sky like a rainbow rocket. Her beautiful, fiery hair was embracing with freedom the sensation of the wind, and her heroic figure was a ray of hope for the world.

“BY YOUR VIRTUES COMBINED, I AM CAPTAIN FRIENDSHIP!”

“GO FRIENDSHIP!”

Captain Friendship quickly descended to aid her summoners. She looked cool and amazing! You could almost hear a soundtrack of heroism in that moment. Looking at their attackers, she couldn’t help but chuckle in amusement.

“Holly Smoke! What the fuck is she!?” One of the criminals exclaimed.

“It seems that the bad guys like to play with fire! Then what would happen if they were on fire!?”

A chain of intense, blue fire suddenly emerged from Captain Friendship’s hands and it quickly engulfed the killers in hellish flames, burning them inside out. Screams of pain and misery were heard inside the building from the attackers while being burned alive and running like madmen. The people were rejoiced by her act of heroism. Nitpick, the humanitarian soldier and Spike were horrified.

“CAPTAIN FRIENDSHIP! NOOOOOOOOOO!” Spike screamed in panic but once again he was ignored.

“SOMEONE HELP US!” One of the killers screamed while burning everything in his path with his flaming body.

It didn’t take long for the Club to be on fire. The firefighters rushed inside to save everyone. Everyone would have been saved by professionals but one, Captain Friendship decided to save them the trouble of hard work.

“It seems that the building is smoking! Better make it smokeless”

A massive torrent of water was withdrawn from the sea near the city, forming a big wave of the size of the Statue of Liberty. All tried to escape from the place with terror. Nitpick, the soldier and Spike managed to quickly enter the tank and avoided being flushed away. A strong tremor was felt by the impact of the wave and half the city was flooded. But by miracle of the heavens, no one drowned that day.

Everything would have been great in how the current things were but Captain Friendship had in mind something that would improve everything.

“Now the city is wet! It’s time to dry it up!”

She started to fly in circles, forming a twister in the middle of the city. People were flying away alongside the water flooding the city. After her deed was done, she noticed that some parts of the city had holes in it.

“Everything is clean and shiny! Now is time to-!”

“STOP!”

Captain Friendship using her superhuman senses quickly located the source of the voice. It was Nitpick Bittersweet getting out of the military tank.

“YOU HAD DONE ENOUGH! YOU STOPED THE CRIMINALS AND THAT’S GOOD FOR ALL! YOU DID GREAT, CAPTAIN FRIENDSHIP!” He lied on the last part.

For Captain Friendship, those words were music for her ears and that made her stop. The girls and Fancy Pants got down the Club and the surviving citizens gathered around the place. Captain Friendship descended and the people cheered her name with praise and flattery.

“Thanks, Captain Friendship, for stopping dangerous criminals from harming innocent citizens!” The mayor of the city said in behalf of the multitude.

Captain Friendship made a small smirk while putting her fists on her hips like a superhero. “It was no problem! It’s my job to do justice in the world for the good of Harmony!”

“JUSTICE IN THE WORLD!? YOU KILLED IN COLD BLOOD CRIMINALS WHO SURRENDERED WILLINGLY!” The soldier complained in frustration.

“They were going to be executed anyway, Major!” The driver of the prison bus said.

“But half of the city is destroyed and many people were sent to their deaths during the twister!”

“Necessary sacrifices must be made to secure the future of the world! That’s why I still think you were promoted too soon at the age of twenty-one, Major Spitfire!” A General from the country suddenly walked towards our heroine. “Captain Friendship! You saved us all!” And they made a hand-shake.

Nitpick and Spike were baffled. The Major’s eyes were slowly twitching.

“Well, my job here is done!” Captain Friendship said with triumph.

“Done!? The original job was to fix Mr. Pants relationship with his fiancé! NOT DESTROYING THE CITY! Where is she!?” Nitpick talked with fright and great speed.

From the sky, several bodies fell in the city. One of them was the fiancé of Fancy Pants.

“TROPICAL DREAM! NOOOOOOO!”

“Calm down, fair citizen! Not everything is as bad as it seems!”

“What do you mean by that, Captain Friendship? MY FIANCE IS DEAD!”

“Yes, but perhaps she was dead for you long ago! You and she were clearly not meant for each other! True love would have prevented your separation, so for her to fall and die before you mean that she wasn’t destined to be your wife!”

“You are right, Captain Friendship! It’s destiny!”

“WHAT!? ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO ACCEPT THAT LAME CONSOLATION!?”

“A talking dog? How weird!”

“SERIOUSLY!? FIVE FREAKS WITH SUPER NATURAL POWERS APPEARED IN YOUR LIFE IN A FUTURISTIC SHIP! A GIANT HEAD TALKED TO YOU SPOUTING NONSENSE! YOU WERE TAKEN HOSTAGE BY SERIAL KILLERS THAT SURRENDERED PEACEFULY AND WITNESSED THEIR DEATHS AT THE HAND OF A PYROMANIAC THAT DESTROYED HALF THE CITY AND ITS INHABITANTS, YOUR EX-FIANCE INCLUDED… AND I, THE TALKING DOG, IS THE WEIRDEST THING YOU HAVE SAW SO FAR!?”

“Yes!”

Spike lost it. He couldn’t stop his eye from trembling.

“My work here is done, Friendeteers!” Captain Friendship flow to the sky. “And remember, the virtues are yours!” And she disappeared in a mist of light.

“I know deep inside what Captain Friendship said is true!” Fancy Pants said. “But I wish to turn back in time and fix my mistakes!”

“Mr. Pants, don’t worry!” Rarity spoke. “I know deep inside me-!”

“DON’T SAY ‘INSIDE ME’!” Fluttershy screamed.

“Uh, what I mean to say is that true love falls from the heaven!”

“But young Rarity! It’s not like by just extending my arms, a beautiful maiden from the heaven will fall in them!”

Screams were suddenly heard and a lovely, young lady fell directly into Fancy Pants’ arms.

“Oh! Good Catch!” The young angel said. “What’s your name, my savior?”

“Fancy Pants!” He said enchanted by her angel. “And yours, if I may know?”

“I…I’m Fleur Dis Lee!” She said while crimson blushing.

“I feel this was destined to be!”

“Want to get marry and have children?”

“YES!”

And they kissed and went straight to nearest church to marry. The people cheered by this turn of events, taking selfies and updating their social webs status for another beautiful day in the city of Amsterdam. Our heroes, however, took fly and journeyed back to Cutie Island. Happy for the success of their Mission, the Spirit of Friendship appeared before them.

“Well done, my Champions! Fancy Pants learned an important lesson today and ended up gaining a new, best friend!”

“SON OF ODIN! ARE YOU REALLY SAYING THAT, TWILIGHT!?”

“Oh, Spike! What’s wrong? You must be hungry and thirsty! I made your favorite croquettes and some milk to accompany them!”

“Your imbeciles destroyed half of a city! Just like their predecessors one-thousand years ago in Asgard!”

“Nonsense! They did better than them!”

“I guess you are right… the previous Champions obliterated the Gardens of Eden in Africa and made several other atrocities on the globe… WAIT!”

Spike rushed to the control center of the ship and turned on the TV. He searched the News Channel and when he finally found it, he was petrified in horror.

“Breaking News! Catastrophes around the globe left millions of people dead or lost in several parts of the world. A gigantic tornado crushed the land of Center America, separating North and South America entirely. A terrible earthquake originated in the Pacific made irreversible alterations to the Tectonic Plates, eradicating from the face of the earth part of Asia and the complete destruction of Japan!”

“NINTENDO, NOOOOOOO!” Nitpick started to cry.

“And most shockingly was the clash of an unnatural tsunami with a meteor in the Antarctica! Experts say that the clash was so strong that it melted hundreds of thousands of cubic meters of ice and in a few hours, half of the world will be flooded. This is indeed the Apocalypses! If you live in the coast, made haste to the mountains… and if you live on islands, then Godspeed!”

The transmission ended and all of the crew was perplexed and shocked.

“What’s wrong, my Champions? Why the long faces? You did an excellent job and now humanity is ready to hear my message!”

“LOOK IN THE CLOUD OF THE SEER AND SEE THE STATE OF THE WORLD, TWILIGHT!” Spike yelled in rage. “THE WORLD WILL SOON LIE ON RUIN! WHAT GOOD IS YOUR MESSAGE!? WHAT MESSAGE YOU HAVE TO BEGIN WITH!?”

“Bad puppy! No croquettes for you!”

“TWILIGHT!”

“Don’t you remember what Celestia said about keeping everything in order? With the population halved, Friendship will be easier to spread to the survivors! And in a matter of years, the world will be a better place!”

“BUT WHAT ABOUT THE COUNTRIES THAT HAVE NUCLEAR PLANTS LIKE JAPAN THAT ARE FLOODED AND NO DOUBT STARTED TO POLLUTE THE SEA AS WE SPEAK!?” Nitpick yelled in anger. “THE ECOSYSTEM SOON WILL PERISH AND EVERYTHING IS GOING TO HELL!”

“Ah, don’t worry!” The amiable Spirit said. “Let the Spirit of Earth, Captain Planet and the Planeteers worry about that! Anyway, I’ll wait for you in Cutie Island to have our celebration! It’s a little rainy here but luckily this is a magic island impervious to natural disasters! See you in a few hours!” And her image disappeared from the thin air.

Everything was silent for a moment until Applejack broke the ice.

“Ah… something tells me that we did something wrong, y’all.”

“We are doomed…!”

“I know, Nitpick… I know!”

But who has time to think of the future? The girls arrived to the Cutie Island which was a paradise in earth. They had a party, food, candies, and beverages, celebrating for a first job well done. Spike launched curses and damnation to the Spirit of Friendship as soon as he saw his corpse inside his room. Nitpick tried to contact his home but no one answered and he feared for the worst.

Everything was perfect in the world. But remember! When your friendship is in trouble, look at the sky! The Friendeteers will arrive to your aid and solve your troubles, and behind them, Captain Friendship will fly to you and say.

“THE VIRTUES ARE YOURS!”

-The End-

Author's Note

I needed to write it. I thought that I would never write a parody of something like this but after watching an episode of Captain Planet and the Planeteers... I just couldn't stop thinking in this particular story. Hope the end result was of your liking, and if it's not, give me feedback if you eant to improve in future stories.