Would Bang

by Aragon

Rating: teen
Tags: Equestria Girls, Cheerilee, Big Macintosh, Other, Romance, Comedy
Length: 4397

When you need some advice with the ladies, you can always turn to your bros. Bros got your back, bro. A bromantic comedy.

When you need some advice with the ladies, you can always turn to your bros.

Bros got your back, bro.

A bromantic comedy.

Proofread by Themaskedferret.

Special thanks to MrNumbers and Selbi.

Published 2016-02-11 01:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-11 01:50:02 UTC

Brogito, Ergo Sum

"Even though I admit she’s pretty, I would never have sex with Fluttershy,” Norman muttered, looking at his lettuce sandwich. “But I would absolutely destroy Pinkie Pie if I had the chance.”

Big Macintosh, Soarin, and Curly Winds said nothing. They merely stared, and pondered.

Norman just kept looking down, and then took a bite of his lettuce sandwich. “I would get on her like an animal,” he continued. “Show her my filth. Make angels weep.”

It was Friday. The wind was chilly. They just sat there on the benches, shivering every time there was a breeze.

Soarin got his breath back first.

“Dude!” he yelled, scooping towards Norman and putting an arm around his shoulders, eyes shining. “Yes! Yes, holy Hell, yes!”

“Well, I guess I can see the appeal, but I’d prefer Rarity,” Curly Winds said while Norman and Soarin fist-bumped behind him—Soarin, beaming; Norman, looking bored—and then he looked at Big Mac. “She’s so classy, don’t you think? And she really knows how to hold a conversation.”

“Who cares?!” Soarin yelled. “Pinkie’s wilder!”

Norman, still looking bored, fist-bumped him again.

“Hahahah! What about you, big boy?” Soarin pointed his fist towards Big Macintosh. “Who’s your fave? Is it Shimmer? It’s Sunset Shimmer, isn’t it?!”

Big Mac just smiled. “Hmm.”

“I don’t think it’s Sunset Shimmer,” Curly Winds said. He crossed his arms and frowned at Big Mac. “I’ve seen you two talk, and you don’t seem to care much.”

Big Mac shrugged. “Hmmm.”

“Fluttershy is kind,” Norman muttered. He finished his lettuce sandwich quietly and then looked at them, with the face of a man who’s seen the Sun die before. “That’s why she doesn’t work. Sunset Shimmer is better.”

“Hmmmm.” Big Mac scratched his nose. “Cheerilee.”

There was a sudden moment of silence.

Once again, Soarin was the fastest one. “Cheerilee? You mean the librarian? The young one?”

“Eyup.”

Curly Winds arched an eyebrow. “You have all your sister’s friends to choose from, and your favorite is Cheerilee? I don’t get it. Where’s the appeal?”

“Hmm.” Big Mac shrugged again. He fidgeted, trying to come up with the right words. But it was impossible, so he just said what he knew was the truth.

He looked at Norman, Curly Winds, and Soarin, and spoke. “…Ah don’t know. She makes my sister laugh. And even when she's tired, she puts on a smile so you don't notice.”

It’s amazing how many things twenty-two simple words can do.

Here, they pierced Mac’s friends like a dagger pierces a jellyfish. Soarin grabbed his chest and made an extravagant pose. Curly Winds teared up. Norman’s hat fell off.

In the real world, it was winter. But in the three men’s hearts, spring had just bloomed.

“Dude!”

“Man.”

“…Woah, Big Mac. Just…” Curly Winds ran a hand through his curls. “Woah.”

And so, the Three Amigos all rested a hand on Big Mac’s right shoulder at the same time. Big Mac looked at them, blinking. “Uh?”

“That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard,” Norman articulated, sounding even more robotic than usual. “I’m touched.”

“We’re gonna get you that girl,” Curly Winds said. “Even if it’s the last thing we do.”

“A LOVE THIS PURE HAS TO PREVAIL!” Soarin’s voice was like a lion’s roar, but it kept cracking with forcefully held tears. “LEAVE IT TO US, BIG BOY!”

Big Mac tried to say something, but got overwhelmed, and had to make do with just nodding. The rest understood his thankfulness.

It was a moment of absolute brotherhood.

Norman was not afraid of anything, so he was the perfect man for the task.

He raised his hand in the middle of History Class, interrupting Mr. Dusty Book, the oldest, deafest, and rudest teacher in Canterlot High. “For personal reasons,” he said, his voice never showing any emotion, “I want to know, on a scale from zero to ten, how illegal it would be for a student to get nasty with a teacher like you. Preferably in a public space.”

Norman also didn’t mind detention, so he was twice as perfect for the task.

“They’ve been lecturing me for about two hours, so I’d say it’s around a six,” Norman explained. “Seven, tops.”

Detention was held on an empty classroom after class, and was supervised by no other than Dusty Book himself. But the old man was running late, so Norman was alone.

Seeing how the Detention Room was on the first floor, and right next to the parking lot, the rest of the gang just went there to gather some info through the window.

“…Okay.” Curly Winds sighed and shook his head. “But you didn’t have to—I mean, Cheerilee’s a librarian, not a teacher. Why the hell would you…?”

“I wanted to make sure. It’s completely illegal. I say we ignore that fact and help Mac anyway.”

“Yes!” Soarin raised his fists to the sky.

Big Mac said nothing, but he stared fondly at Norman.

“I second that.” Curly Winds turned to Soarin and Big Mac, confident smile on his face. “Well, we know you’ll have to fight against society, but that’s no big deal. Mac, do you think you’re ready?”

Big Mac nodded.

“That’s the nod of a man in love,” Norman said.

“Yes!” Soarin screamed. “We’re doing this! We’re doing this right now!”

“With all the ruckus Norman caused, I’d say that Cheerilee has probably heard what happened,” Curly Winds said, leaning on the window. “This means she’ll be suspecting you’re involved, and probably willing to give it a go.”

“AHAHAHAHAH YES!”

“Big Mac.” Curly Winds got serious. Real serious. He looked like an adult, for a second or two. “We’re going to be really forward, so tell me the truth. Do you think you have any chance? Do you think she feels the same?”

Big Mac thought about it. He’d never stopped to ponder, but now, knowing that his friends were with him, he took a chance and dared to hope. He went through all the little, secret memories he’d shared with Cheerilee. Small moments, all platonic in nature.

Or so it had seemed at the time.

“Ah think…” he said. “Ah think Ah do.”

“OH MY GOSH!” Soarin turned around and punched a car. “I’M SO PUMPED UP! BIG BOY, THIS IS IT, THIS IS THE REAL THING, WE’RE GOING TO GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND!”

“Indeed,” Curly Winds said, smiling. “Let’s go to the library, you’ve got a date waiting for you.”

Norman nodded. “My blessings.”

They knew what to do. Big Mac was sure of his feelings, the law was not a problem, and the plan was already in motion. They took a deep breath, together in spirit, and parted towards their future.

“DID YOU JUST PUNCH MY WINDSHIELD.”

There was a moment of silence.

Soarin tried to smile. “Oh. Hello, Principal Celestia!”

With both Soarin and Norman trapped in the Detention Room, Curly Winds was the only one with Big Mac.

Cheerilee was alone. The library was silent. The wind howled outside. It was the perfect confession.

“No,” Cheerilee said softly.

Big Mac’s face didn’t change.

“I am… I cannot tell you how flattered I am,” she continued, placing a hand on Big Mac’s chest, avoiding his eyes. “I knew this would happen, eventually. From the start.”

Big Mac talked here. His voice was neutral. “You thought about it.”

“I...can’t say I didn’t,” Cheerilee admitted. “I knew you felt like this, and you probably know how I feel, too. But this is—um, I’m sorry.” Her voice went back to normal as she glared at Curly Winds. “Is there any particular reason why you have to be here?”

Curly Winds didn’t hesitate. “Yes!”

“That being…?”

“Friendship!”

He and Big Mac high-fived.

Cheerilee blinked. “Ooo-kay. Uh.” She swallowed, and looked at Big Mac. She tried to meet his eyes, she really did, but she had to look away. “Big Mac, I like you. I really do,” she said, her voice petite. “But we can’t—there’s rules against this. Maybe, one day, after you graduate. But I won’t ruin your life just because we’re infatuated with each other.”

Big Mac took it like a man. He just nodded, and said he understood.

Curly Winds, on the other hand, didn’t.

“If I had any say in the matter, you’d spend the night here! Young’uns these days. I can’t believe this! And take that silly hat off, I’m lecturin’ you!”

Norman didn’t say a word.

“Asking me such a thing. Where’s the respect?! In my time, that would have got you a good whoopin’, and you’d been thankful for it! The nerve!”

Norman didn’t say a word. His phone rang.

“You think you can treat me like a fool just ‘cause I’m old, don’t you? Well, I’m not a fool, I really ain’t! And if you think old Dusty Book will just stay still while little rebels like you sass him!”

Norman looked at his phone. Curly Winds had sent him a text message. He read it.

His hat fell off.

“That’s better! Now, I don’t know where you got such a stupid idea, young man, but teachers are not to be treated like—”

“Sir, Mister Dusty Book, Sir!” Soarin yelled.

Both Norman and Dusty Book turned around. Soarin was up, eyes wide. Norman saw that he had his phone in his hand—Curly Winds had also sent it to him, then.

Dusty Book saw it, too, and squinted. “Yes?”

“I need to ask you for a favor, Sir!” Soarin put the phone back in his pocket and looked at the teacher straight in the eyes. “Not as a student, sir, but as a man!”

The squint got squintier. “Yes?”

“I need you to let us go, Sir!”

“What?!” Dusty Book stood still. He wasn’t as tall as Soarin, so he chose to look sternly at his shoulder. “What are you talking about?! Don’t make me laugh! You ain’t going nowhere until seven, and if you keep talking that way, I’ll make sure you stay here till—”

“For the sake of Big Mac’s heart, Sir! I beg you, as a man talks to a man! To protect the purity of a friend who just got rejected! For kinship! For destiny! For love!” He pointed a fist at Dusty Book. “For the days of youth that won’t come back, Sir!”

Dusty Book stared at the fist.

Many memories came back to him. A young chap, already Dusty but not dusty yet, chasing a lovely ladette through corn fields. Laughter and stolen kisses in a fair. High-fives. Moonlight shining against her skin on that fateful night. Even more high fives.

He kept staring at the fist.

A single tear ran down his cheek.

“…Go,” he whispered, and he felt the words were embedded in his heart, he felt that two generations were becoming one. “Go, and be free. Fight the good fight. For kinship. For destiny. For love.”

Norman got up. He didn’t say a word. He just stared, and held his hat against his chest.

Dusty Book raised his fist, too.

They shared a link. They all knew it. Dusty Book was a teacher, an old man, an angry historian who hated kids.

But above it all, he’d once been one of them, and that was enough.

He’d been, and would always be, a bro.

They fistbumped.

“For the days of youth!”

“Cheerilee is being an idiot,” Curly Winds said. “Worse, she’s being rational.”

“That’s like cancer for a relationship,” Norman said. He’d bought another lettuce sandwich—vegan sandwich sans anything that wasn’t lettuce—and was munching boringly while talking. “Student-teacher love stories are inherently disgusting. No woman in her right mind should reject that.”

Big Mac was looking down. He said nothing.

“But we know she wants to be with Big Mac, right?!” Soarin said, grabbing Curly Winds by the neck of his t-shirt. “Right?!”

Curly Winds made a face and pushed him away. “Yes. But she wouldn’t listen to us. She says they’ll have to wait till Mac graduates.”

“So.” Norman took another bite. “Like three months.”

“Three months are too much for a man in love!”

“I’m with Soarin.” Curly Winds swept some dust from his shoulder. “They should be together already. It’s not like anybody’s gonna mind, it’s just illegal.”

Big Mac didn’t say a word.

“We have to do something!” Soarin yelled, grabbing his head. “We can’t let this end this way! Everybody’s counting on us!”

“Yeah, but what can we do? Cheerilee is not listening, and—”

“I think there’s a chance,” Norman muttered.

Sudden silence. They all looked at him.

Like, always, Soarin managed first. “What do you mean?! Do you think we can convince her?!”

“If Mac is willing, there’s a chance,” Norman said. “He can wait three months. Or he can do it now.” He took a bite and munched slowly. “It all depends on how strong is his love.”

Big Mac frowned.

Three months wasn’t that long a time.

But Cheerilee had avoided his eyes while asking him to wait.

He looked at Norman, and gave a single, powerful nod.

Norman nodded back at him. “We convinced Dusty Book, because he’s one of us. We couldn’t convince Cheerilee, because she’s not one of us. We just have to change that.”

Curly Wind’s eyes got wide. “Cheerilee? A bro? How can we do that? She’s rational, and smart, and quiet. We can’t—”

“We can’t,” Norman agreed. He put his lettuce sandwich aside and looked at them. His face was the same as ever, but this time he didn’t look bored—he looked serious. “But someone else can.”

Soarin grabbed his chest. Curly Winds gasped. Big Mac frowned.

“Surely you’re not…”

“I am,” Norman said. “We’re not enough. We need the help of someone better. We need the help of the greatest brother that ever lived.”

The greatest bro that ever lived stood on top of the benches, listening to them, beaming a cocky smirk.

Big Mac said nothing. Curly Winds explained everything that had to be explained, while Norman and Soarin looked from afar. The greatest bro that ever lived was not one to be bothered by too many unworthy fellows like them.

Once the story was over, the cocky smirk went away.

“You ask me,” and the words were charged with greatness, “that I help you with Big Mac’s romantic adventures? Are you sure you need me?”

“Only you can help,” Curly Winds said, and he couldn’t hide the awe in his voice. “We need you to do this, Sir.”

Big Mac nodded. “Please.”

The greatest bro in the world made a “huh” noise and reached for something in her jacket. She took her rainbow-colored phone, looked at the screen, and then shrugged. “Sure! I have nothing else to do. Does AJ know about this?”

Big Mac frowned. “A lil’.”

Rainbow Dash laughed. “Well then!” She slapped Mac’s back. “No need to be this formal, guys! I know I’m a big deal, but I’m not royalty. Yet. Just call me Dash.”

And she raised a fist.

Curly Winds had to fight to hide his tears.

“Man.” Soarin stuck his hands in his pockets, watching the scene from afar. “Rainbow Dash is officially the hottest person I’ve ever seen.”

“I would stab my eyeballs for a handshake,” Norman simply said. “If Curly Winds fistbumps her, I will lick his fingers to absorb her essence. One day I’ll be brave enough to ask for a high-five from her.”

“She plays guitar, and has a motorcycle. And she has wings, sometimes. And yet?” Soarin frowned. “I wouldn’t do her.”

“Me neither.”

Soarin’s eyes got wide. “No?!”

Norman shrugged. “I couldn’t. I’d get overwhelmed.”

“Yeeeah, exactly. Like, she’s so far out our league, she’s playing a completely different sport.”

“Although I’d try if I could get pregnant with her child.”

“Oh.” Soarin nodded. “Right, getcha. But kind of a waste, isn’t it? I mean, she’s out of everybody’s league.”

“No.”

A pause.

“No?”

Norman shook his head. “No. There’s someone worthy.”

“Oh.” Soarin looked down and frowned. Then, he looked up. Then, finally, at Norman. “‘kay, I can’t see it. Who are you talking about?”

“The rest of her friends. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle. Applejack. Sunset Shimmer. The other Twilight Sparkle, too.”

“DUDE!”

“Hm?”

“YES!”

“Hm.”

“Mighty high-five you just had there,” Dash said when Norman and Soarin got permission to approach her. “What happened?”

“Divine revelation,” Norman said.

Curly Winds and Big Mac looked at them. Norman and Soarin looked back, eyes sparkling.

The former two got the message.

“Uh. So why are you all looking so happy all of a sudden?”

“Nothing!” Curly Winds flinched and took a step away from Dash on reflex. “Nothing, nothing. So, you say you can help us, right? Do you have any idea how?”

“Of course I do! Easy-peasy, guys. You can consider the work already done! We just need to make the confession more awesome.”

Mac nodded. “Thanks.”

“We’ll need the AV Club’s help, though. You guys know its president, right?”

“Who, Wiz Kid?” Soarin’s voice cracked a little bit when Dash looked at him, but then he coughed and got control back. “Uh, I mean. Wiz Kid? Yeah, we know him. He’s a cool guy! But I don’t think he’ll help us just like that.”

“Oh, worry not.” Curly Winds smirked. “He will.”

“You sure? He’s kind of prissy when it comes to the rules. I mean, don’t get me wrong—he’s a bro, but…”

“If it’s not an official event,” Norman said, “he won’t let us use his equipment.”

“Nah.” Curly Winds shook his head, and his smirk got almost as cocky as Dash’s had got before. “I can convince him. I’ll seduce him, if necessary.”

This made them all stare—even Dash joined them.

“Wha—”

“What do you mean, ‘seduce’?” Dash said, causing Soarin to squeal a little. “Do you mean what I think you mean?”

“Yes.”

“I’d never heard Wiz Kid swings that way,” Norman muttered. “I don’t see how you can be so sure.”

“Well, there are a lot of clues,” Curly Winds said, shrugging. “Like, he cares a lot about his hair, for example. And he uses really expensive cologne every day—that’s a dead giveaway. Oh, and we’ve been sorta dating since I took his virginity two weeks ago at Norman’s birthday party.”

There are moments where time seems to stop, and the bonds between men become stronger than ever. There are moments where a friend lays the ace he’s been hiding in his sleeve in such a glorious way that you can do nothing but raise your hands and admit defeat.

In an instant of perfect coordination, Norman, Mac, Soarin, and Dash all bumped their chests with a fist and then pointed at Curly Winds.

The eternal signal, shared by all cultures, all races, in all universes.

Sweet, man, it meant.

Curly Winds bowed, acknowledging their respect and letting them know, as proper etiquette demanded, that he wasn’t going to let it go to his head. “We snuck in Norman’s room and spent there most of the night, really.”

“I let you in and gave you food,” Norman said. “And this is how you pay me.”

“Yes.”

Again, they all bumped their chest and pointed at Curly Winds.

“Well then, guys!” Dash said, and her rainbow hair was gleaming with an awesomeness so great it took physical form. “Let’s get to it!”

It was Friday. The wind was chilly. The classes had ended long ago, but the campus was still crowded. Club activities, lazy students, tired teachers—the reasons were many, but they didn’t matter.

Canterlot High was still not empty.

That’s all Dash needed.

She appeared on the roof, her silhouette stark against the sun, and with a click of her tongue and a minor gesture, the speakers, placed all around the building, turned on at the same time.

The screeching called everybody’s attention. All eyes were on her. There was a spark of magic, and she grew wings again, she pony’d up.

This is exactly what Dash wanted.

“PEOPLE OF CANTERLOT HIGH!” she yelled, and with that she had her hearts, she could make them dance or march at her will. “LISTEN TO ME!”

Soarin had to hold his breath, for there were sobs struggling to come out.

Big Mac felt his heartbeat peak in three seconds, like a crazy drum.

Norman swallowed, and nodded sagely. “We’re witnessing history,” he said.

Curly Winds, however, wasn’t with them. He was in the building, at least for now.

“LISTEN TO ME!” Rainbow Dash repeated. “I’M SURE YOU’VE ALL HEARD WHAT WENT ON TODAY, AND WHY NORMAN ENDED UP IN DETENTION! HE FLIRTED WITH MISTER DUSTY BOOK, THE HISTORY TEACHER!”

Everybody in sight looked at Norman, who didn’t bother to flinch. “I am willing to accept that as the truth because she’s saying it. And because I can see up her skirt from here.”

“BUT WHAT YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW,” Dash continued, and all the eyes were back on her, “IS WHY THAT HAPPENED, DO YOU? WELL, I’M HERE TO TELL YOU! BIG MAC!”

Big Mac flinched, but took a step forward. He was now staying in the middle of the campus. The center of it all.

“WOAH YOU’RE REALLY TINY FROM UP HERE. HAHAH. AWESOME. ANYWAY!” Dash rested the hand that wasn’t holding the mic on her hip. “THIS WAS A SACRIFICE NORMAN WAS WILLING TO MAKE FOR BIG MAC! AND YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE OF HER!”

And then, as in on cue—because it was on cue—Curly Winds came out of the main door and stepped outside, right in front of Big Mac. And with him was Cheerilee, looking flustered, stuttering, not knowing what to do.

“THAT’S RIGHT, CHEERILEE! THE LIBRARIAN! GIRL, YOU KNOW HE LOVES YOU!”

The crowd gasped and looked at Norman.

“NO, NO, NOT HIM. I MEAN BIG MAC. BIG MAC IS IN LOVE WITH CHEERILEE.”

The crowd gasped in a slightly different key, and looked at Big Mac.

“AND THAT’S AWESOME! THEY’RE PRETTY COOL TOGETHER, AREN’T THEY? WHAT DO YOU THINK, PEOPLE?!”

Norman and Soarin gave each other a thumbs-up after this, because the crowd got completely crazy. Teachers, students, random passer-bys—it didn’t matter. They were all lost to the energy of the moment, to the sweetness of Dash’s flawless rhetorics.

It was a wave of love and kinship, and they were all surfing it in the coolest way possible.

“CHEERILEE! YOU KNOW HE’S INTO YOU, HE KNOWS YOU’RE INTO HER! ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?!”

The crowd cheered.

“I SAID ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?!”

The crowd cheered louder.

Cheerilee looked around. She saw her colleagues, her students, her friends, and her enemies—all together, or at least most of them, cheering on her. Cheering on them.

Then she looked at Big Mac. Big Mac, shy and quiet, the man who barely talked, who would only listen, willing to stay in the middle of such a crowd, just for her.

He was smiling, with the sweetest smile she’d ever seen.

A thousand little, secret memories she’d shared with Big Macintosh came back to her. Small moments, all platonic in theory, but never really platonic. Always hinting towards something more.

“C’MON, GIRL! RUN TO HIS ARMS ALREADY!”

Cheerilee felt her legs itching. She wanted to do that, really. Just go to Big Mac, and—but no. “It’s… It’s not allowed,” she managed to say, although her voice was drowned by the crowd. “We should just wait…”

And then, a hand fell on her right shoulder.

“Trust me, lass,” Dusty Book said when Cheerilee looked at him, and his voice was young again. “Trust your instincts. Be crazy. Live. Be one of’em. This is what youth is all about. For glory. For destiny.”

A second hand, this time on Cheerilee’s left shoulder.

“What the hell is going on,” Principal Celestia said. “What is happening. Why is that student not in detention. He punched my car.”

And that’s all Cheerilee needed.

Tears running freely down her cheeks, she let out a great laugh and ran towards Big Macintosh, who was waiting for her with open arms. When she got there, he twirled her around—the crowd cheered—and then they looked at each other’s eyes.

There were a thousand things to say, but they didn’t need to. They knew it all already.

Sometimes, everything seems to work just right. When such a great event takes place, everybody feels part of it, no matter how little they did for the whole deal. It’s not about who helped the most. It’s about who was there, who felt it.

In that moment, at that specific time, it wasn’t just Big Mac and Cheerilee hugging. It was the whole crowd, the whole high school. They were one, all the same, even though most of them had no idea what was really going on.

A thousand hearts bloomed with spring when the two lovers finally joined their lips, and the ecstasy was like lightning, hitting the crowd hard and fast. Women cried. Men hugged. Enemies made amends. Lovers held hands. Celestia forgot about her car. Children believed Santa was real again.

A thousand people filled with courage, cheering as one, around a couple that had needed them more than anything.

And among the ruckus, the Three Amigos, the ones who had made it all possible, patted each other in the back.

“We did it, guys.”

“We made it.”

“We’re awesome.”

And then, Norman saw that Dash was flying down the roof, clapping at the couple, cheering like one more person in the crowd, and made a decision. Today was the day everything was possible. Today was the day Big Mac got a girlfriend.

“Rainbow Dash!” he yelled, his voice as neutral as ever.

Dash turned.

Norman raised a fist.

Time slowed down, as the greatest bro in the world looked upon Norman. And even though she had wings, even though she was more awesome than anything Norman would ever be, she smirked.

She raised a fist.

And they fistbumped.

“Rainbow Dash,” Norman repeated.

“Yes?”

“You should make out with your gang.”

Time stopped.

Dash’s smirk seemed to freeze.

Their knuckles were still touching.

“…Dude,” she said.

“Hm?”

“Yes.”

Author's Note

A shame the EQG background characters aren't more popular. Curly Winds, Norman, and Wiz Kid, folks.

Written in one go, while sick. It's so dumb. I love it. BLAM!