AUTHOR’S WARNING
This fanfic has some mild swearing and alcoholic and sexual suggestions. If you have any problem with such things, it is advised you read it with caution. Either way, have fun and hope you enjoy the tales of a drunken pony.
The saloon hall was illuminated by the mid-afternoon sun that poured through the wooden windows. A blue male pegasus worked on the counter, mixing drinks and spinning bottles in the air with great accuracy. Every once in awhile a cyan colt pegasus with glasses would cheer in awe of the bartender’s incredible skills. However, the two pegasi were not the only inhabitants of the saloon, for a big dark brown unicorn sat there, drinking quietly. His muzzle was red as the color of his tangled mane and he wore a western hat and vest. The stranger emptied his cup in one big gulp and slammed the glass on the wooden counter. He dried his mutton chops moustache with the back of his hoof and looked at the blue pegasus.
“WAAAAAAITER... REFILL!”, yelled the drunk pony.
“Aren’t you overdoing it a bit?” asked the bartender.
“Ya can NEVER have too much to drink, pal!”
The bartender let out an exasperated sigh and turned a yellow bottle over the stranger’s glass, letting the brown liquor inside flow. As quickly as it was filled, the glass was emptied and slammed once again on the table.
“That’s the stuff!” exclaimed the unicorn, smacking his lips.
“Glad you liked it,” replied the pegasus with a smile. The unicorn looked at him with woozy eyes and attempted to reply, failing to notice the twitching on the bartender’s left eye. Come on, Sloe, you know the drill! Bartender’s rule number 6: ‘Fill his cup, be polite, keep a watching eye. If he starts trouble, get him out on the double’.
“Hey pal, what’s yer name?” asked the drunken pony.
“Sloe Gin Fizz. And yours?”
“Name’s Bowlegs.”
“So, Bowlegs, what’re you doing here? It’s pretty early to be drinking,” asked Sloe as he grabbed a glass with his hoof and cleaned it with a washcloth.
“Ain’t never too early tah have some booze! But, yeah, Ah have a reason ta be drinking.”
And I’m sure you’re gonna tell me, right? thought the bartender.
“And Ah’m gonna tell ya what it is, just pour me another, would ya?” Sloe Gin rolled his eyes and poured another shot of liquor in Bowlegs’ cup. The stallion raised his glass and gulped down the beverage, letting out a huge burp at the end.
“Pardon me,” said the Bowlegs. “Ya know what? Ah like ya Sloe. Yer a nice guy. Me and ya, we connect, pal,” commented the drunk, looking deep into the eyes of the bartender pony, much to the the pegasus’ discomfort. “So, waiter, here at this table bar. Yer probably tired of hearing hundreds of tales of lost loves.”
Oh Celestia, no! Not another broken heart drunk!
“Well Ah’ll have ya know that mah greatest love is getting married TODAY!” yelled Bowlegs, hitting the counter in anger. “She sent me a LETTER to tell me and broke mah heart into pieceeeeeeees! WAAAAAAAAAHHH,” howled the unicorn before hiding his face behind his hooves and bawling like a newborn colt.
“HEY, CAN YOU LOWER THE WATERWORKS A BIT, MATE?!” yelled the pegasus with the glasses.
“YA SHUT YER TRAP OR AH’LL SHUT IT FOR YA!” rebuked Bowlegs. The young pegasus’ eyes widened and he cowered in fear, grabbing a menu to hide his face from the aggressive stranger. Sloe was just as surprised at the sudden mood swing. He coughed.
“Well, she seems like a real bitch, if you ask me,” Good. Bartender’s rule number 11: ‘Stay on the drunk’s good side to avoid a fight’, thought Sloe. However, the drunken unicorn looked at him a curious expression.
“Who’s a bitch?” he asked.
“The mare. You know, the one who sent you the letter?”
“Ah got a letter?”
“You just told me about her!”
“Ah did?”
“The one getting married? Your greatest love?!”
“That wench!” growled Bowlegs as he slammed his hoof on the counter. Sloe winced as he saw the damage the stallion’s strike had done to his counter.
“But ya know, Ah ain’t even mad about that. Celestia be mah witness, Ah ain’t,” said the unicorn as he stood upright and raised his right hoof. However, the ginger stallion started tilting backwards until he fell on his back, producing a loud thumping sound. Bowlegs placed his hooves on the wooden board and with some difficulty, lifted himself off the ground. “What Ah’m mad about is the fact that she... stole mah truck.”
“She stole your truck? That’s weird.” asked the Sloe.
“Ah know, right? What kinda cold-hearted, selfish skank steals a stallion’s only prized and most beloved possession?”
“But trucks make an awful lotta noise and smoke. How the hay did she steal a truck from right under your muzzle?”
Bowlegs shrugged. “Musta done so when Ah was in jail. Can you fill ‘er up?” he asked pointing to the empty glass.
“Here you go,” said the Sloe, filling his cup. Suddenly, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “Wait a minute, jail?!”
“Eeyup,” Bowleg answered as he emptied his glass. “Ah was arrested for some petty little crimes. Ya know, pickpocketing, shoplifting, armed robbery, smuggling--”
“That’s not what I’d call ‘petty’, Bowlegs,” interrupted the bartender.
“-- sexual harassment. And let me tell ya sumthing, pal: she was a beauty! An earth pony with an orange coat and a dandy golden mane. And she had quite a juicy plot, perfect for some fine spank--”
“You can stop right there.”
“Pfft. Queer,” said Bowlegs. He saw a metal bucket from the corner of his eye and spat a powerful shot of saliva, which caused a powerful metallic bell-like sound. “But ya know, after Ah left the joint, Ah was set on becoming a proper citizen. Ah sincerely thought Ah was going to regenerate. Working honestly with a wife taking care of home. A normal life to grow old in peace, ya know?” He looked sadly into the empty glass and sniffed. “But if destiny wants it this way, whatever! AH AIN’T NEVER LEAVING THIS BAR!” announced the stallion as he leaned backwards and met the hard, cold floor for a second time.
Sloe felt his left eye twitch yet again.
Bowlegs rose from the floor and pointed to an object on the far left. “Correct me if Ah’m wrong, but that’s a trash can over there, right?”
The blue pegasus turned his head and saw a simple, plastic trash can with a black bag. “Yeah, what about it?”
“Much obliged...” said the drunken unicorn. A brown aura surrounded the trash can as the stallion levitated it towards him and grabbed it firmly with both of his hooves. He shoved his head inside it and...
“BLAAAAAAAARGH!!!” barfed Bowlegs with a roaring sound that sent shivers down Sloe’s spine. The young glasses-wearing pegasus from before jolted out of the place with a paler coat than when he came in.
“Sir, don’t you think you had enough?” asked Sloe. It was high time he got rid of the drunk.
Bowlegs raised his head, his face slightly paler, his moustache dotted with vomit stains. He wiped the remaining spew from his muzzle.
“Ya’re right. Ah had enough.”
The church was filled with ponies of all sizes and colors and all remained silent as they watched the spectacular wedding that occurred in front of their very eyes. A stallion chewing a stalk next to the altar tried his best not to cry. Noticing he was failing miserably, a big unicorn covered in scars levitated a tissue to aid the pony. Princess Celestia stood in front of the bride and groom as she spoke.
“If anypony here present knows of a just cause that these two should not be joined in my Holy Permission, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”
Suddenly, the front doors burst open and a brown unicorn with a ginger moustache wobbled inside.
“Alright everypony, put ‘em up!” yelled Bowlegs as he entered.
The crowd started muttering, confused by the stranger’s unexpected appearance. Out of nowhere, an unknown pony pointed a hoof towards the drunken unicorn.
“But you’re not even armed!”
“Ah’m not?” asked the ginger stallion, looking around him for his weapons. “Ya’re right, Ah ain’t. Alright then, DON’T put ‘em up. Ya’ll can keep ‘em down. But Ah have something ta say!”
The room kept silent.
“Can anypony tell me where’s the little colt’s room?” asked Bowlegs as he held his crotch and hopped on the spot. Dumbfounded, the guests pointed their hooves to the left.
“Much obliged,” thanked the ginger unicorn with a nod before dashing in the general direction.
“Well, that was weird,” commented the groom, a cyan earth pony with a brown mane. He noticed his bride shake slightly from the corner of his eye. “Do ya have any idea who was that fella?”
The orange cowmare bit her lower lip and looked away. “Nnope. No idea at all!” she turned towards Celestia. “Pardon me, your Alicorniness, but would ya mind getting us hitched already? This fancy gown here is too tight!”
AUTHOR’S NOTE
Rules are rules, and as such I shall follow them. First off, this is a fic based on the SALT Colab prompt. Why am I posting the link? Well, because it’s part of the rules of the Colab, but mainly because they deserve it. I think I’d be nowhere near writing fics if it wasn’t for their editing skills. If you need help with your fic, go to them for help. They simply rock at their work. And they are much faster than EqD. They are also much more patient, although they can be really mean. But it’s part of their ‘tough love’, so suck it up, authors!
Now, about this story. This was a BLAST to write. I got the idea out of 2 songs, both are Brazilian and they talk about booze and women. The first is called “Garçom” (Waiter) from Reginaldo Rossi. It talks about a guy who got a letter from his love saying she’s getting married and it’s crying his eyes out at the bar, telling his story to the waiter. The second is called “Ela roubou meu caminhão”(She stole my truck) from the AWESOME rock band Matanza. It talks about a guy who got out of jail and finds that his woman stole his truck and left him. He proceeds to go to the bar to get wasted, as Matanza’s songs always seem to do. Not kidding, they can be reduced in 3 categories: women, booze and violence related stuff. But go check the songs. If you don't understand portuguese, at least watch the videoclip, it's pretty funny. Also, come on, Jimmy is Bowlegs personified!
A bit on characters. Bowlegs was the hardest name to come up with. I thought of doing something truck related, gave up on that. Then I tried drink related, gave up on that two. Then I found synonyms for wobbly, and BAM! Found his name. His ginger mane and moustache are a reference to Matanza’s singer, Jimmy (LOVE YOU, MATE). Sloe Gin Fizz is a drink, very fancy, that I liked. It’s sweet, has some blueberries on top of it, really nice. The glasses wearing pegasus is... ME! It’s my ponysona, which has no image so far, but I should be getting one from a friend soon (she’s a kickass artist).
SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT TIME! You liked this story? Check out Violet Fire then! It’s a romance, okay, but it’s got comedy. It doesn’t have booze or Bowlegs in there, but hey, it’s still pretty funny at times.
And finally, here’s a challenge: can anyone tell me who are the characters at the wedding? Leave your ideas in the comments below. Don't worry, I read them all, so noone's going to be left out.
(Wow, this is a very long author’s note O.O)
