RGRE: Dungeon Crawlerby Dark JavaChaptersChapter 0: The Anon out of spaceChapter 1: Weekend in PonyvilleChapter 2: Snake DungeonChapter 3: Fast timesChapter 4: 3d Maneuver PonyChapter 0: The Anon out of spaceAuthor's Note Hello everyone, here's my attempt at writing a classic fantasy adventure with ponies and anon and the gender rolls and hoo whatzit. Away! Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic nor any of the characters depicted in the show. Chapter 0: The Anon out of space Twilight flew swiftly over the Canterlot streets, her diminutive draconian assistant clinging tightly to her back as she navigated the busy post-workday traffic. It was slightly easier in the air but she still sent a few Pegasi scrambling out of the way, looking on in bewilderment in the wake of her shouted apologies. Twilight swooped down into the gated courtyard sprawling in front of a massive tower. It was obvious from the unmoving bodies of the four guards scattered loosely about that something was wrong. Twilight flapped her wings frantically as she landed a bit too fast, hooves skidding on the ground. Spike immediately leapt off her back and ran to the nearest downed guard. "They're just asleep," He reported, "must have been a spell." Another Pony landed- a brown-coated Pegasus stallion wearing chainmail barding and sporting a fearful expression despite the imposing winged battleaxe that adorned his flank. A member of the air patrol. "Oh, Miss Sparkle, thank goodness you're here! She got into the sanctum, we couldn't touch her. She just started throwing spells and-and-" Twilight stopped him by putting a reassuring hoof on his shoulder and prodding him to sit down. "It's alright. Just calm down and tell me what she looked like." Twilight said in a measured but commanding tone. The Pegasus took a deep breath, "Light blue Unicorn with...um, whitish hair I think? She kept calling herself the Great and Powerful-" "Trixie" Twilight finished for him, annoyance clear in her voice. "A-are we going in now or waiting for backup?" The Pegasus asked timidly. "It might be dangerous. Sit tight out here and wait for the others." He seemed relieved at this plan and scrambled off with a quick "Yes, princess" Twilight motioned to spike and the two started toward the tower's entrance at a trot. The sanctum fit right in with the surrounding Canterlot architechture. The only outstanding thing being the gigantic beanstalk that had sprouted from inside the top chamber and partially dislodged the wood-shingled conical roof, increasing the building's height by about a dozen stories. A mighty battle had been fought and lost in Celestia's court against the botanical society to have it cut down. They started up the wide marble steps that swept up to a set of glass-paned silver doors. The doors stood open, the enchantment that normally sealed them against threats both corporeal and magical had been unraveled. "Be careful not to touch anything," Twilight said to the dragon at her side, "This is the biggest arcane repository in Canterlot. It's where we store dangerous or weaponized magic items." "What do you think Trixie is after?" Spike asked. "No telling. But she'll likely blow the place up if we don't get to her soon." They passed the threshold into the sanctum's dank interior, lit by the slanting afternoon light pouring in from high windows. It had the atmosphere of a big library but rather than books contained tall shelves packed full of items. Vases, lamps, scrolls, trinkets and every other nick-knack imaginable. Racks lined the walls and held wands, weapons and even broomsticks. Twilight darted off, zig-zagging between shelves and aisles until they came to the center of the room. Spike almost rear-ended her when she stopped abruptly. They had located the great and powerful burglar herself. Trixie stood at a big polished oaken podium, using her magic to frantically flip the pages of a huge inventory catalog back and forth. The sour look on her face hinted that she hadn't found what she was looking to pilfer yet. Her eyes snapped up from the book. "Trixie!" Twilight shouted, "What in Tartarus are you doing?" "Oh, you aren't required here, Sparkle" The Unicorn said with a dismissive wave of her hoof, "Trixie merely came here to conduct some research. I have much greater ambitions than your cute little Alicorn trick." "That's what we call a crime," Twilight said as her horn began to glow. "You attacked those guards out there and entered a forbidden area!" "They were insubordinate. Acting like a Pony of MY repute wasn't allowed in here!" The catalog in front of the blue Unicorn slammed shut to punctuate the statement. "But you're not allowed in here." Twilight replied, shaking her head. "Nopony is. Again, it's called a FORBIDDEN area for a reason!" "Stay out of our way!" Trixie shouted, grasping the catalog in front of her with her magic and sending it spinning across the room. Twilight and Spike dove in opposite directions to avoid the flying book. It slammed into a big coppery cauldron tucked between two shelves and dislodged the lid with a loud clang. There was a loud piercing cackle as a Pony rose from within the cauldron's interior in a flowing glob of shadow. Jet black with long, scraggly black hair and what appeared to be a set of goat horns, the creature raised its hooves. "Ahhh! After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Eques-" Spike quickly slammed the lid down on the creature. The cauldron rocked a back and forth a couple times then was still. Next the podium came flying towards Twilight but smashed against the barrier that shimmered to life around her. Twilight dropped the shield and returned fire with a barrage of magic darts. The streaking projectiles wouldn't do any real harm but would still convey the sensation of being pierced and hopefully convince Trixie to surrender. None of them landed however thanks to sheer luck as Trixie juked left and right, one of the magic needles embedding itself in a shelf before poofing into white sparks. Trixie reared up on her hind legs. She fell forward onto a standard posture, horn glowing brightly as she did and tracing a crescent of energy that surged forward. Twilight grunted with effort as the ethereal blade crashed into her shield. The force of the impact rushed around her and dislodged several artifacts from their shelves behind her. Items crashed to the ground and the sound of shattering glass as something priceless was destroyed. Twilight spread her wings and rose, preparing to send another salvo at Trixie but the Unicorn whipped a carpet off a shelf and took to the air herself. The Ponies circled each other in the generous airspace provided by the vaulted ceiling, splashing the walls with bright flashes of light as they exchanged bursts of magical energy. Trixie however, did not notice Spike scale one of the bookshelves until she swooped close enough for him to blast the underside of the flying carpet with dragonfire. With a shout she careened downward in a trail of smoke. Trixie wiped out a table and somersaulted over a chair. Her momentum somersaulted her across the floor until she came to a halt upside down against a tall square object covered in a curtain. She scrambled to her hooves as Twilight touched down in front of her, wings spread wide and head lowered. A bolt of energy slammed into Trixie too quickly for her to shield and propelled her backwards into the mirror. This dislodged the curtain and it fell like a waterfall of fabric piling atop her. Instead of her own reflection, Twilight saw a shadowy shifting entity within the mirror. Two red eyes blazed from the darkness as it watched her. Her mouth dropped open and she began to walk toward it in a dreamlike daze, eyes dilating until she had almost no pupils left. "Twi!" Spike rushed up behind her and straddled her neck, taking hold of her horn and pulling her head away from the mirror. As soon as Twilight broke eye contact with the cursed mirror she exhaled and coughed, frost emitting from her nostrils as if it were suddenly very cold. It disappated. "Th..thanks, Spike. They really ought to review their containment procedures here." Without looking, she urged the curtain back into place. She darted her head around in search of Trixie and spotted the tail end of her cape disappear around a pillar. Trixie hopped backwards from the orb of light which deposited Twilight and Spike a few feet away from her. "Give it up!" Twilight ordered. Trixie spotted a more preferable option sitting in a rack on the wall. A staff carved out of bright red polished coral with a conch shell attached to the top of it. She seized it with her magic and brought it around to point shell-first at Twilight. Trixie laughed, "The scepter of the sea is going to make you a real wash-out!" "Lame!" Spike jeered as he peeked around from behind Twilight. The staff emitted a deep rumbling sound like that of an enormous ocean wave- faint at first but rising in volume until...a trickle of water squirted from the shell, followed by a rather confused turtle. It flopped onto the floor and made a mad dash for a hiding spot. "Bucking cheap knockoff!" Trixie shouted, slamming the scepter to the floor. A beam of violet energy slammed into her a second later. She sagged but managed to stay on her hooves. Her horn glowed and Twilight prepared to call up her shield again, but instead of an attack there was a loud pop. Smoke billowed up, obscuring the immediate area. Trixie breathed hard as she galloped up the spiral staircase, not bothering to look down. She reached a landing and burst through a set of doors into the sanctum's second floor. Trixie clambered to a halt and glanced around the room, blinking a couple times. It was empty. She took a few steps in but from the sound of her hoofsteps realized she was walking on a metallic surface. The floor consisted of shiny coppery plates while the upper part of the room was occupied by brass gears, chains, counterweights and other components as if it were the interior of a gargantuan clock. A pair of arms supported big crystal balls that must have been the size of a carriage each, slowly orbiting the room in opposing directions. A curious device but definitely not what Trixie was looking for. She cast about for a door or another staircase but found nothing. "Come on! Where could they have stashed it?" She muttered to herself. A flash of purple light brought Trixie once again face to face with Twilight. The Alicorn's horn and eyes alike flashed with a brilliant light. The beam of energy punched straight through Trixie's shield and sent her flying across the room. "Trixie...it's over" Twilight said, "Half the Canterlot guard is outside by now. You aren't going to get away with whatever you were trying to do here." The words were like weights to the not so great and powerful-feeling Trixie as she climbed to her hooves. She hung her head. Then slowly she rose to meet Twilight's gaze, horn glowing. The two Ponies began a furious exchange of magic, blue and purple beams flickering and bouncing off opposite-colored shields like a spastic thunderstorm. The machinery above them began to pick up speed as the battle reached a fevered pitch, rattling its housing and sending cogwheels spinning fast enough to strip their gears off. It was only when a chunk of brass machinery crashed to the floor between them that the two Ponies ceased their fight and noticed the commotion. "Run! It's going to-" Twilight didn't get a chance to finish as the two crystal balls exploded simultaneously in a cascade of sparks and glowing crystalline glass that scattered in a spiral pattern due to the motion of the arms. The two spinning arms sagged then and ripped themselves free violently, hitting the floor with a loud metallic clang that vibrated the entire room. The machinery in the center of the ceiling shrieked as it was wrenched free and compressed into a spot where reality seemed to swirl inward on itself. Twilight dove onto Spike and summoned her shield against the pelting bits of machinery but soon noticed a sound rising above the ripping metal- a voice...no, it was somebody screaming. Trixie heard the screaming as well, growing louder and louder until it was all around her- or on top of her to be specific. A bipedal entity appeared in the air before her, its lanky body stretched with its arms raised. One of his feet stepped down as if trying to find solid ground that was no longer there. Instead, his foot found her head, crumpling her hat. The two of them froze for a brief second of weightless silence and then gravity seemed to catch up with the creature. At the same time, the void above collapsed with a thunderclap that blew out every single window in the room. When the shower of glass, brass machinery and other debris finally ceased, Twilight came out from under her wings to find Trixie knocked out cold in a tangled heap with whatever had come from the void. Chapter 1: Weekend in PonyvilleSomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.Chapter 2: Snake DungeonAs I did on many a saturday morning, I awoke with a dull headache, cotton mouth and all the other wonderous symptoms of a night out drinking. But then all of a sudden-books. Books everywhere. I looked about the strange room before recalling it was Twilight that had brought me home. She was nowhere in sight but apparently had let me have the bed. I had also been carefully tucked in. Oh, that horse. Downstairs, she was curled up on the couch. Her head lay on her folded up forelegs and one purple wing stretched out draping over the coffee table. She had apparently been in a wrestling match with her blanket and pillow, which were discarded on the carpet. I stepped over quietly and carefully took hold of her wing, gently guiding the appendage along its range of motion back into a folded position. I then draped the blanket over her and as a final touch, I took up an empty coffee mug on the table and hung it by the handle over her horn. Perfect. A couple hours and a hike later, I clambered through a knot of wild underbrush with the compass clutched tightly in one hand. The vegetation here held a slick moist feeling- not out of place in the humid and dank Everfree. The field in front of me was covered in similarly soggy vegetation and wooden detritus but looked a bit too flat compared to the dense trees that squared it off. I ventured into the tall grass for a few paces before my foot fell upon stone tiles concealed where they had sunken into the earth and been covered by the grass. The compass worked its magic and a memory flashed into my mind. A huge snake's head painstakingly carved from solid granite, mouth yawning wide to expose a staircase leading downward into the dark. A table heaped with steaming pots and beakers. A dagger being dipped into a vase of caustic green liquid. I glanced down at the compass as the runes within faded from their white-hot glow. I found the entrance behind a pair of tall willows that had grown up to envelop it back into the forest. The smooth stone was eroded, looking rough and pockmarked with any detail it once had worn away long ago. It retained the rough shape of something that -could- have been a snake's head at one point if you squinted at just the right angle. With flashlight in one hand and trusty crowbar in the other, I ventured once more into the breach. Twilight sat outside her bedroom door, hoof frozen midway as she reconsidered knocking. According to a nearby clock it was still early- 8 on the dot. She began to pace back and forth. I shouldn't bother him, but I want to make sure he's alright. He had a lot to drink last night... She bit her lip, watching the inert door as if it would reveal some sort of answer. The thought of a male sprawled out on her bed spreading his microbes all over the place was equally thrilling and awkward. What if he was in there putting up pink curtains and throwing potpurri all over the place? "Hey, Twilight?" A voice called from the stairwell. She hadn't noticed Spike until he spoke. "I wasn't spying!" Twilight shouted. "Err...okay?" The dragon said, "There's a couple of guards out front that want to speak to you." There were indeed a couple of guards waiting on the doorstep, clad in full goldsteel armor. "Princess?", one of the mares spoke, both of them bowing quickly, "We've got a lead on those Gryphon bandits. One of our air scouts spotted them heading into an old dungeon just inside the Everfree. We'd appreciate some ah, magical artillery." "Are they really that dangerous?" Twilight asked. "It's been rumored that they've actually committed murder" she replied, nodding. Twilight's eyes narrowed, "Okay, let's go." The snake dungeon was pretty bland as far as these old places were concerned. The corridor weaved back and forth in gentle curves that must have mimicked the shape of a snake's body and there were no visible doors or other distractions. A Pony skeleton leered out of the darkness into the circle of illumination provided by my flashlight. It was half crumpled against the wall. Such sights were not unheard of in the dungeons but I halted. The skeleton's bones creaked as its head began to turn, the sound disturbingly loud down here in the dingy silence. I wielded my crowbar, poised to smash the thing. A mossy green snake suddenly slithered out of the skeleton's empty skull, which fell and smashed apart on the floor with a hollow pop. I kicked a rock at the snake and the creature decided to retreat, disappearing into a gap between the bricks. The final chamber came into view after one final sharp curve of the corridor. It was open with a high arched entryway, flanked by two pillars carved into the likeness of a couple of cobras coiling toward the ceiling. These statues had endured the elements a little better and their eyes still twinkled with inset emeralds. I had to give the sculptors credit-they managed to make them look menacing. The circular chamber beyond was wide open but mostly empty. I had expected a chest but instead found a sarcophagus situated on a podium in the maw of another stone snake's head. The two fangs from the snake's head extended down on either side of the sarcophagus, making it impossible to manipulate the lid which I confirmed was too heavy to lift after attempting to pry it directly up. I went to work with the crowbar and a hammer pulled from my pack, chipping away at one of the aged stone fangs. It put up quite a resistance but finally snapped off. I worked the lid open by prying and pulling until it was maneuvered off the side of the sarcophagus. It fell to the ground with a loud thud. Laying there in the sarcophagus was a dessicated corpse. Papery scraps of skin clung to the bare white bones, all of it covered in a powder- whether it was dust or the byproducts of rot I could not say nor did I care. It was humanoid but as I examined the reverse-jointed leg bones, it was obvious that it was not a long-lost relative of mine. Placed on the hollow chest of the creature was what must have been the artifact- a long and thin dagger held in a leather sheath. I reached down and tenderly plucked the artifact up. Flashlight in mouth, I unsheathed the weapon. It began to ooze with a greenish substance that seemed to well up from invisible pores on the blade. A dagger of venom most likely, not that I was an expert at identifying these things. A noise reached me from the corridor outside. I whirled around to the entryway. Luckily, the source of the footsteps revealed themselves before my imagination had time to conjure up all sorts of creeping horrors stumbling toward me in the near-darkness. Four strangers filed into the room, the look on their avian faces instantly recognizable as predatory. They fanned out and one sauntered forward, large green eyes piercing as she looked me up and down. It was hard to tell in the dingy light where her feathers ended and fur began since both were a glossy jet-black color. She wore a cloth vest and a mace strapped across her front side. The gryphon whistled, "Well well. I knew these dungeons had booty in them but this is ridiculous!" Her cohorts laughed at that while I stood to face them squarely. I crossed my arms and tried to exert an air of confidence. "Ladies? I don't believe we've met" I said. "The name's Stormlight" The black Gryphon said, "I heard you back in town talking to that old dried up bag of a unicorn. Said you were pretty good at finding artifacts." She paused to extend a viciously sharp talon and scratch at the floor. "Now the way I figure it, you don't have a horn..." "On his head anyway" One of the other gryphons mumbled causing a round of suppressed chuckling among them. "...So that means this little talent is coming from somewhere else. Why don't you be a good boy and hand it over. Things could get ugly down here for a stallion all by his lonesome. Some bandits could come barging in and do...well, all manner of unseemly things to him." I unzipped my hoodie and shrugged out of it leaving my top half clad only in a less restrictive plain green t-shirt. "Oh no," The black Gryphon said, "You wont get off that easy. Hand the detector over first, then we can have some fun." She saw what I was really intent on doing when I drew the crowbar and held it at the 'bash some skulls' position. The Gryphons apparently detected some humor in this and they laughed heartily. "Alright, enough screwing around. Grab him." Stormlight ordered and two of the Gryphons stepped forward. The one in the lead- a grey-feathered and squat looking catbird, broke into a trot toward me. I feigned a swing at her and she reared up, arm poised to grab my weapon. But instead, I flipped the crowbar and smacked her in the side of the head sharply. It was enough to rattle her and send her stumbling backwards. I crouched and swept a leg out from under the other Gryphon with the crowbar's curved side. She grunted as her head smacked the stone. Stormlight watched all this with her beak agape but then unstrapped the mace she carried and passed it off to the third henchgriffon, this one tall and a bit skinny with messy rust-colored feathers. She swung the mace low a couple times trying to clobber my knees as I backed up, the stone snake's head behind me looming up from the darkness to cut off any further retreat. The skinny Gryphon pressed forward. I brought the crowbar up to block a vicious swing of the mace, replying with a short jab to the Gryphon's midsection and a boot to the chest to send her onto her back. A flash of black feathers approached from my right side. A talon closed around my crowbar while another sized one of my arms, pain shooting through it as the claws dug into exposed flesh. I was then lifted off the ground and swung around, but was thankfully released while my crowbar remained in Stormlight's grasp. Stars exploded across my vision as my ribcage was introduced to the big stone snake's head. Stormlight landed and loomed over me, tossing the crowbar aside. Her henchmen had regrouped and encircled me where I lay propped up on an elbow after having the wind knocked out of me. Blood streaked down my right arm from the puncture marks and it stung terribly from supporting the weight of my upper body. "Heh. I guess you're not just a pretty face after all" Stormlight said. She motioned to the skinny Gryphon holding the mace and she handed the weapon back to her boss. The smooth coppery head looked particularly solid. "Sorry. I'm not really the chivalrous type." Stormlight said, raising the mace on high. "Me neither" I said. Before Stormlight could turn my head to pulp, I remembered the ancient technique of the 'cunt punt'. Standing over me, she had left herself wide open for the maneuver. My kick landed perfectly on target betwixt the Gryphon's legs. Her eyes bulged and her beak fell open with a shrill sound of agony. She dropped the mace, which had been held directly over her head. The heavy ball of metal fell directly on top of her skull with a loud thunk. Two of Stormlight's cohorts each seized one of her arms and held her as she crumpled backwards. I scrambled to my feet as Stormlight shouted and cursed, rolling about on the floor in pain. "Skin him alive!" Stormlight shouted, her voice booming off the walls of the dungeon. Her compatriots were blocking any escape route and I didn't imagine outrunning them would be an easy task. With a lump in my throat, I took a step backward as they approached. But then my foot sunk into the floor. The tile I stepped on had depressed with an audible click. There was a deep rumbling sound from behind us that grew in intensity until it felt like an earthquake. Chunks of stone and dust were dislodged from the ceiling as the wall sunk to reveal a steep upward slope. A thunk echoed as something very large was released from some hidden cache. A huge boulder appeared, tumbling down the ramp but it was immediately obvious that it was no ordinary boulder. Instead, the giant ball that sped toward us was composed entirely of snakes of all sizes, colors and species. They filled the dungeon with a cacohphony of ravenous hissing. The wriggling mass must have been approaching the size of a house I guessed. "Jesus slaphouse Christ!" I shouted. A line of carriages thundered through Ponyville, a dozen in all, upsetting the normally quiet and peaceful saturday morning. Screwball perched herself atop the lead carriage, mouth wide as she played the part of a siren though it was more akin to an air raid alarm. On the scene, a cordon had already been set up around the dungeon. Guards patrolled the woods while Pegasi orbited the area. The carriages screeched to a halt in the field, disgorging groups of armor clad guards. A guard captain, a russet-coated Unicorn, stood near a command tent that had been set up. Her voice amplified with magic, she shouted in the direction of the dungeon. "Alright, come out with your hooves up! We've got the place surrounded!" "What's the situation?" Twilight asked as she and Spike approached the captain. "WE'VE GOT THEM-" Twilight's mane was blown back as the captain answered with a still-amplified voice. The captain's horn ceased glowing and she cleared her throat, voice no longer amplified, "My apologies, Princess. I meant to say we've got them cornered but we've had no contact yet. I'd say they are planning on going down fighting." The words were scarcely out of the captain's mouth when there came a commotion from the dungeon entrance. Four Gryphons flew out into the daylight and found at least two dozen crossbows pointed in their direction. "Oh thank Celestia, the guard!" one of the Gryphons squawked, throwing herself at the hooves of the nearest guardspony. "Please. Take me to jail, I did it! Just get me out of here!" "No! It was me, I was the mastermind all along! Take ME!" Another of the Gryphons pleaded to the bewildered guards. Stormlight crossed her arms silently and hung her head with a look of disgust as she and her fellows were quickly clapped in irons. A human lumbered out of the entrance shouting for the Ponies to clear the area. Noone reacted until a few seconds later when shouts rang out and guards went running and flying off in all directions. The dungeon's entrance seemed to explode in a geyser of stone, dirt and wriggling snakes. "A-Adam? What are-?" Twilight followed him as he ran across the field, vaulting fallen logs and boulders while waving his arms madly. But she then saw the abomination of snakes speeding toward her. Lowering her horn, she did the only thing that came to mind in the moment and sent a powerful beam of destructive energy into the mass. The force of the beam blew the nearby tent away and overturned a couple of carriages in its wake. The explosion cracked like thunder and could be heard for miles around. Fluttershy sipped her tea as she sat at the kitchen table of her cottage, enjoying the pleasant warmth of the sun streaming in through the window behind her. thud thud thud...wham! Fluttershy turned to the strange sound of something falling outside. "Oh. It's just raining snakes that are on fire" She said calmly to herself. She took another sip of tea and slowly slid down off the chair and onto the floor. She walked over to the refridgerator, opened it and climbed inside. She shut the door. A refrigerator would be an okay place to live, she decided. Things at least made sense in the refridgerator. Chapter 3: Fast timesAuthor's Note This is the designated clop chapter. May write some more later on if its any good. Feels a tiny bit rushed but meh. More dungeon antics soon to follow. Chapter 3: Fast times "This is all my fault" Twilight said as she paced back and forth back in the library. I watched her from the couch, bandages around my injured arm. "I wish you'd stop saying that" I said, "I'm fine-" She ceased her pacing and looked at me, "No. I didn't make sure you were settled in well enough. It's unacceptable." "That's not your job" I told her, "I can work just fine, I just wasn't so lucky looking for jobs up in Canterlot. I tried warehouses, the mines, even the guard. They just looked at me like I was crazy. What else could I do, strip?!" Twilight shot me a very serious look, "I promise you won't have to do that. I won't let that happen." "I was kinda joking.." "Come stay with me. We can find you a more appropriate job down here." I scratched my chin thinking the offer over. It would eliminate a leg of the train ride I normally had to take when off to conduct business. "I don't know, I'd feel like a big ole mooch" I said slowly. "It's no trouble" Twilight assured, "I can clean up the basement and you can take my room-" I grimaced, holding up my hands. "No, no. Stop, zip it and flip it. If I'm going to stay here then I'll take the basement. I was born in one after all." "If you're sure," She said, a hopeful and damn adorable smile blooming on her face. "So you will stay with me?" I nodded. "And I hate to start making requests off the bat but can we just tone down this overprotective stuff a bit? I really don't need a lot of catering to." She nodded, "Okay. I'll clean a space out for you right away, then we can send a carriage for your stuff-" I motioned to the backpack on the opposite end of the couch, "Already got my stuff." "That's everything?" She asked, taking the pack up in her magic. I stood and grabbed one of the straps to keep her from running off. "You're already doing it. Zzztop it. You haven't listened to a thing I've said have you?" I noticed another of Twilight's friends watching us from a doorway. Rarity stood with a tight grin on her face. "Sorry, Spike let me in. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" She asked Twilight with a teasing twinge to her voice. Twilight dropped my bag, a slight blush on her cheeks, "Er, n-no not at all." Twilight and Rarity sat in the library's kitchen, two cups of steaming tea between them as they watched the human outside. He worked on an old bookshelf that had been dredged up from the basement. Spike was assisting in the operation. "Adam is rather feminine, isn't he?" Rarity remarked. Twilight nodded her agreement. She watched the human scratch the beard that had sprouted on his chin in the week since he had moved in. He maneuvered another board into position, spare nails held in his teeth. "Yes. But I'm just glad he's not out there dinking around in those old dungeons." Outside, Spike shouted when a spider crawled out from some hidden recess of the bookshelf. Adam immediately moved to deal with it, hammer held in hand. wham! "Stay still you eight-legged freak!" He shouted. "Well you certainly charmed him quickly" Rarity said, "Don't let Rainbow Dash get to you. He seems perfectly nice." Twilight knew she was referencing Dash's assertions to anypony who would listen that she had seduced the lone human in the land. As she put it, he "Craved the V" "That's not what this is" Twilight replied, annoyed. "We're just roommates. I'm keeping him away from having to steal old artifacts and associate with criminals. That's it. Stallions and mares don't have to be..you know, physical all the time." wham! "I didn't mean to insult you" Rarity said. "I'm just helping him." Twilight repeated, sipping her tea. "Spike!" Adam called, "I need a cremation over here- wait, don't hit the varnish! Oh god! Ah shit!" He ran across the yard in the other direction holding a flaming can at arm's length. "I suppose the dear needs it." Rarity said. Life in Ponyville was peaceful enough and I found myself falling into the alluring harmony of a routine. Twilight had me watch the counter during business hours performing all the expected duties of a librarian- mostly keeping track of the books that our sparse customers came to check out. It was better than nothing but still felt a little too close to busywork for my taste. I attempted to balance it out by being on point with any miscellaneous chores or home improvement that needed doing. Before I knew it, a couple weeks had passed and the arrival of another quiet friday found me posted up in my designated station at the counter. This was what I hated about routines- it seemed to put time into overdrive. 10:00 AM I groaned inwardly as the first customer of the day trotted through the doorway. Reluctantly, I cleared away the napkins and other remnants from the bagel and iced coffee that bookhorse had dutifully provided. I had already gained a fan of sorts among the patrons of the library. Peach Fuzz was her name and awkwardly staring at me over top of books that she pretended to read was her game. Unicorn type, tall among the ponies she was, with an unkempt reddish mane and a light pink coat that fit her name perfectly in texture. I had mitigated the staring a bit by putting the money earned from the dagger of venom to use. I had ordered a nice new long-sleeved shirt from Rarity. The woolen garment was a pleasant deep blue and after snipping off the lacey bits it fit my strict utilitarian tastes perfectly. As a side benefit, it made my chest and arms less visible to prying pony eyes. Peach Fuzz gave me a hearty good morning which I returned with a considerable amount of summoned enthusiasm. She seemed to be unaware of the volume of her voice more often than not. I pretended to study the book ledger intensely while Peach Fuzz went to browse a shelf that she selected at random. Today, however, she dispensed with the half hour or so of aimless browsing and went straight for the approach after only a couple minutes. With the grace of a rusty shopping cart she rolled up to me with an unblinking smiling face, bumping into a rack of paperbacks and nearly overturning it. "Sorry" She calmed the swaying rack with her potato magic. "It's fine" I put on my best public relations face, "How can I help y..." I trailed off as I caught sight of something. Dangling from Peach Fuzz's mouth was what I could only identify as the string to a tea bag. The paper tab swayed in the air below her jaw. "Hey you uh...I think you have something caught in your teeth" I pointed out, gesturing to a corner of my own mouth. Her green eyes widened. "Oh yeah." I watched as she withdrew from her mouth exactly what I suspected- a tea bag. "I chew on these 'cause my dad won't let me have soda. I make my own tea as I go" She explained, beaming at me like she had just revealed the secrets of the universe. "Ahh I see. Well that's a thing," I replied with feigned interest, "What can I help you with today?" A solid two minutes of silent fidgeting was the response. I was feeling an eye twitch coming on. "Umm. So, um. y-y-you're really pretty do you have a marefriend." Peach Fuzz choked out at last, phrased like a statement rather than question. It took me by surprise but she could not see the look of shock since she was occupied staring at the floor. I felt a pang of sympathy for her. fuck sympathy and lie your pants off My brain shouted. "I actually do at the moment. I'm sorry." "That's okay," She was still addressing the floor, "If she's ever mean to you come tell me and I'll smash her with katana pattern alpha-gamma!" "I will certainly do that." I promised. With a bellowing shout akin to a donkey braying, she absconded from the library swinging the tea bag around like a flail. 11:30 AM Applejack swung in to check out a single book- "Citrus Fruit: Elimination and Prevention" 1:50 PM I flipped through a glossy magazine- "True Baker Stories" featuring headline articles such as "Bake to Thrill" and "Eight Ponies, Seven Muffins- a harrowing tale" I was alone in the library, accompanied only by the constant ticking of the wall clock. The door whined as it swung open and a familiar blue Pegasus hovered inside, a book tucked under an arm. "Heyyy" Dash greeted. "Good afternoon" I returned while she flopped the book on the counter. "Daring Do and the Primal Caverns" I repeated the title as I marked it as returned in the ledger. The cover depicted the titular character in some deep cavern, swinging a torch to ward off what looked like crystalline scorpion type creatures. A stallion with long, flowing golden hair clutched her leg in fright. "Heh. Are these books any good?" I asked. "I like 'em" Dash said. She hovered up to eye-level, resting her forehooves on the counter. "You want to know what my favorite part was?" "What's that?" She leaned forward, "The part where the sexy librarian kisses the awesome pegasus." I smiled and gave a laugh. "Hmm...mediocre" "Ouch, dude. I made that up on the spot, c'mon." Dash leaned further forward and our mouths met. There was a brief but furious battle of the tongues and then she separated. "Doing anything tonight?" She asked. "Nah. Want to meet at the usual?" She nodded, "See you there." 3:45 PM Alone again with my thoughts, I found my fingers tapping the object in my pocket rhythmically. The compass. I kept it close out of habit but it felt like ages since I had touched it. My hand slithered into the pocket and I noticed not for the first time, how flawlessly smooth and round it was. It had to be a perfect shape, I just knew. No memories came to me at the moment but I had faith in the thing. The magic within it had to be perfect as well, to be worthy of inhabiting such a geometric wonder. "Adam?" I nearly jumped at Twilight's voice and found her suddenly standing next to the counter staring at me, a stack of books floating in her magic. "Oh, hey boss" I smiled at her. She chuckled, "You were really zoned out there. I don't blame you on days like this. Anyway, it's a quarter past four. You're off." A quick look at the clock confirmed as much. That was actually pretty weird. I knew a half hour hadn't passed, it shouldn't have been even five minutes. I cleared the counter off and stowed the ledger in the appropriate cabinet in somewhat of a daze but the promise of the weekend swept the strange occurrence out of my mind. A few hours after night swept over the land, I sat in the Ponyville park. I'd never be caught dead in a park at night back on earth but with the threat of rabid hobos removed from the equation, it was relaxing. The blanket of shadows was nice and cozy, a courteous shroud of anonymity to do kinky things without scrutiny. Rainbow Dash sat atop me as we continued the oral wrestling match from earlier. She ran her hooves up underneath my shirt and her hooves kneaded my chest while I massaged her backside, each hand full of warm flank. The moonlight mushroom made an appearance, sprouting angrily from my open zipper and pressing against dash's soft lower stomach. She lifted herself up and I aligned the docking as she lowered herself on me. The cool of the night air gave way to tight moist warmth. "Ready?" She whispered in the darkness. I gave her buttocks a sharp slap and my fingers pressed into the mounds of flesh in response. She wrapped her legs around my torso anchoring herself as she began to thrust. I grunted at the jackhammer-like assault. Dash increased her pace, intimate parts clutching at my own harder and faster. "ooof!" I let the sound escape as she drove her knees into my sides, making it clear there were no brakes on this ride. I broke our kiss and panted for a few seconds before she placed a hoof on my cheek and turned my head back towards her and another smooch. I shifted my hands to her hips when the yogurt catapult became ready to fire. She arched her back and raised her face to the sky. I darted one hand to her throat and held a firm, non-strangulating grip. Her eyes opened in surprise. "Y-yeah!" She cried. And in one final thrust, I came within Rainbow Dash. Some out there across the multiverse would call me a subhuman degenerate. Others would applaud me for accomplishing a dream. I cared not a whit for either as I emptied into her in spurts of ecstasy. She gave a contented sigh, the iron grip around my torso slackening. Dash slumped forward and planted a few kisses down my neck as we caught our breath. "Sweet....no-thing!" I whispered in her ear and she softly laughed. "You're a goof" She told me. I don't know how long we sat connected in the dark when something caught my eye. Across the grassy soccer field in front of us, a street lamp illuminated a wash of the park, the far side obscured by the black silhouette of a tree line. Something stepped into the light. "Hey Dash?" I asked. "Yeah, babe?" She asked dreamily, raising her head. "There aren't supposed to be timberwolves here, right?" "Of course not. No way-" And then she turned around. "We should probably go" I said as something stepped forward, glowing yellow eyes blazing. The creature might have been a timberwolf at one point in time, but something had gone horribly wrong. A lump formed in my throat. Chapter 4: 3d Maneuver PonySomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Chapter 0: The Anon out of spaceAuthor's Note Hello everyone, here's my attempt at writing a classic fantasy adventure with ponies and anon and the gender rolls and hoo whatzit. Away! Disclaimer: I don't own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic nor any of the characters depicted in the show. Chapter 0: The Anon out of space Twilight flew swiftly over the Canterlot streets, her diminutive draconian assistant clinging tightly to her back as she navigated the busy post-workday traffic. It was slightly easier in the air but she still sent a few Pegasi scrambling out of the way, looking on in bewilderment in the wake of her shouted apologies. Twilight swooped down into the gated courtyard sprawling in front of a massive tower. It was obvious from the unmoving bodies of the four guards scattered loosely about that something was wrong. Twilight flapped her wings frantically as she landed a bit too fast, hooves skidding on the ground. Spike immediately leapt off her back and ran to the nearest downed guard. "They're just asleep," He reported, "must have been a spell." Another Pony landed- a brown-coated Pegasus stallion wearing chainmail barding and sporting a fearful expression despite the imposing winged battleaxe that adorned his flank. A member of the air patrol. "Oh, Miss Sparkle, thank goodness you're here! She got into the sanctum, we couldn't touch her. She just started throwing spells and-and-" Twilight stopped him by putting a reassuring hoof on his shoulder and prodding him to sit down. "It's alright. Just calm down and tell me what she looked like." Twilight said in a measured but commanding tone. The Pegasus took a deep breath, "Light blue Unicorn with...um, whitish hair I think? She kept calling herself the Great and Powerful-" "Trixie" Twilight finished for him, annoyance clear in her voice. "A-are we going in now or waiting for backup?" The Pegasus asked timidly. "It might be dangerous. Sit tight out here and wait for the others." He seemed relieved at this plan and scrambled off with a quick "Yes, princess" Twilight motioned to spike and the two started toward the tower's entrance at a trot. The sanctum fit right in with the surrounding Canterlot architechture. The only outstanding thing being the gigantic beanstalk that had sprouted from inside the top chamber and partially dislodged the wood-shingled conical roof, increasing the building's height by about a dozen stories. A mighty battle had been fought and lost in Celestia's court against the botanical society to have it cut down. They started up the wide marble steps that swept up to a set of glass-paned silver doors. The doors stood open, the enchantment that normally sealed them against threats both corporeal and magical had been unraveled. "Be careful not to touch anything," Twilight said to the dragon at her side, "This is the biggest arcane repository in Canterlot. It's where we store dangerous or weaponized magic items." "What do you think Trixie is after?" Spike asked. "No telling. But she'll likely blow the place up if we don't get to her soon." They passed the threshold into the sanctum's dank interior, lit by the slanting afternoon light pouring in from high windows. It had the atmosphere of a big library but rather than books contained tall shelves packed full of items. Vases, lamps, scrolls, trinkets and every other nick-knack imaginable. Racks lined the walls and held wands, weapons and even broomsticks. Twilight darted off, zig-zagging between shelves and aisles until they came to the center of the room. Spike almost rear-ended her when she stopped abruptly. They had located the great and powerful burglar herself. Trixie stood at a big polished oaken podium, using her magic to frantically flip the pages of a huge inventory catalog back and forth. The sour look on her face hinted that she hadn't found what she was looking to pilfer yet. Her eyes snapped up from the book. "Trixie!" Twilight shouted, "What in Tartarus are you doing?" "Oh, you aren't required here, Sparkle" The Unicorn said with a dismissive wave of her hoof, "Trixie merely came here to conduct some research. I have much greater ambitions than your cute little Alicorn trick." "That's what we call a crime," Twilight said as her horn began to glow. "You attacked those guards out there and entered a forbidden area!" "They were insubordinate. Acting like a Pony of MY repute wasn't allowed in here!" The catalog in front of the blue Unicorn slammed shut to punctuate the statement. "But you're not allowed in here." Twilight replied, shaking her head. "Nopony is. Again, it's called a FORBIDDEN area for a reason!" "Stay out of our way!" Trixie shouted, grasping the catalog in front of her with her magic and sending it spinning across the room. Twilight and Spike dove in opposite directions to avoid the flying book. It slammed into a big coppery cauldron tucked between two shelves and dislodged the lid with a loud clang. There was a loud piercing cackle as a Pony rose from within the cauldron's interior in a flowing glob of shadow. Jet black with long, scraggly black hair and what appeared to be a set of goat horns, the creature raised its hooves. "Ahhh! After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Eques-" Spike quickly slammed the lid down on the creature. The cauldron rocked a back and forth a couple times then was still. Next the podium came flying towards Twilight but smashed against the barrier that shimmered to life around her. Twilight dropped the shield and returned fire with a barrage of magic darts. The streaking projectiles wouldn't do any real harm but would still convey the sensation of being pierced and hopefully convince Trixie to surrender. None of them landed however thanks to sheer luck as Trixie juked left and right, one of the magic needles embedding itself in a shelf before poofing into white sparks. Trixie reared up on her hind legs. She fell forward onto a standard posture, horn glowing brightly as she did and tracing a crescent of energy that surged forward. Twilight grunted with effort as the ethereal blade crashed into her shield. The force of the impact rushed around her and dislodged several artifacts from their shelves behind her. Items crashed to the ground and the sound of shattering glass as something priceless was destroyed. Twilight spread her wings and rose, preparing to send another salvo at Trixie but the Unicorn whipped a carpet off a shelf and took to the air herself. The Ponies circled each other in the generous airspace provided by the vaulted ceiling, splashing the walls with bright flashes of light as they exchanged bursts of magical energy. Trixie however, did not notice Spike scale one of the bookshelves until she swooped close enough for him to blast the underside of the flying carpet with dragonfire. With a shout she careened downward in a trail of smoke. Trixie wiped out a table and somersaulted over a chair. Her momentum somersaulted her across the floor until she came to a halt upside down against a tall square object covered in a curtain. She scrambled to her hooves as Twilight touched down in front of her, wings spread wide and head lowered. A bolt of energy slammed into Trixie too quickly for her to shield and propelled her backwards into the mirror. This dislodged the curtain and it fell like a waterfall of fabric piling atop her. Instead of her own reflection, Twilight saw a shadowy shifting entity within the mirror. Two red eyes blazed from the darkness as it watched her. Her mouth dropped open and she began to walk toward it in a dreamlike daze, eyes dilating until she had almost no pupils left. "Twi!" Spike rushed up behind her and straddled her neck, taking hold of her horn and pulling her head away from the mirror. As soon as Twilight broke eye contact with the cursed mirror she exhaled and coughed, frost emitting from her nostrils as if it were suddenly very cold. It disappated. "Th..thanks, Spike. They really ought to review their containment procedures here." Without looking, she urged the curtain back into place. She darted her head around in search of Trixie and spotted the tail end of her cape disappear around a pillar. Trixie hopped backwards from the orb of light which deposited Twilight and Spike a few feet away from her. "Give it up!" Twilight ordered. Trixie spotted a more preferable option sitting in a rack on the wall. A staff carved out of bright red polished coral with a conch shell attached to the top of it. She seized it with her magic and brought it around to point shell-first at Twilight. Trixie laughed, "The scepter of the sea is going to make you a real wash-out!" "Lame!" Spike jeered as he peeked around from behind Twilight. The staff emitted a deep rumbling sound like that of an enormous ocean wave- faint at first but rising in volume until...a trickle of water squirted from the shell, followed by a rather confused turtle. It flopped onto the floor and made a mad dash for a hiding spot. "Bucking cheap knockoff!" Trixie shouted, slamming the scepter to the floor. A beam of violet energy slammed into her a second later. She sagged but managed to stay on her hooves. Her horn glowed and Twilight prepared to call up her shield again, but instead of an attack there was a loud pop. Smoke billowed up, obscuring the immediate area. Trixie breathed hard as she galloped up the spiral staircase, not bothering to look down. She reached a landing and burst through a set of doors into the sanctum's second floor. Trixie clambered to a halt and glanced around the room, blinking a couple times. It was empty. She took a few steps in but from the sound of her hoofsteps realized she was walking on a metallic surface. The floor consisted of shiny coppery plates while the upper part of the room was occupied by brass gears, chains, counterweights and other components as if it were the interior of a gargantuan clock. A pair of arms supported big crystal balls that must have been the size of a carriage each, slowly orbiting the room in opposing directions. A curious device but definitely not what Trixie was looking for. She cast about for a door or another staircase but found nothing. "Come on! Where could they have stashed it?" She muttered to herself. A flash of purple light brought Trixie once again face to face with Twilight. The Alicorn's horn and eyes alike flashed with a brilliant light. The beam of energy punched straight through Trixie's shield and sent her flying across the room. "Trixie...it's over" Twilight said, "Half the Canterlot guard is outside by now. You aren't going to get away with whatever you were trying to do here." The words were like weights to the not so great and powerful-feeling Trixie as she climbed to her hooves. She hung her head. Then slowly she rose to meet Twilight's gaze, horn glowing. The two Ponies began a furious exchange of magic, blue and purple beams flickering and bouncing off opposite-colored shields like a spastic thunderstorm. The machinery above them began to pick up speed as the battle reached a fevered pitch, rattling its housing and sending cogwheels spinning fast enough to strip their gears off. It was only when a chunk of brass machinery crashed to the floor between them that the two Ponies ceased their fight and noticed the commotion. "Run! It's going to-" Twilight didn't get a chance to finish as the two crystal balls exploded simultaneously in a cascade of sparks and glowing crystalline glass that scattered in a spiral pattern due to the motion of the arms. The two spinning arms sagged then and ripped themselves free violently, hitting the floor with a loud metallic clang that vibrated the entire room. The machinery in the center of the ceiling shrieked as it was wrenched free and compressed into a spot where reality seemed to swirl inward on itself. Twilight dove onto Spike and summoned her shield against the pelting bits of machinery but soon noticed a sound rising above the ripping metal- a voice...no, it was somebody screaming. Trixie heard the screaming as well, growing louder and louder until it was all around her- or on top of her to be specific. A bipedal entity appeared in the air before her, its lanky body stretched with its arms raised. One of his feet stepped down as if trying to find solid ground that was no longer there. Instead, his foot found her head, crumpling her hat. The two of them froze for a brief second of weightless silence and then gravity seemed to catch up with the creature. At the same time, the void above collapsed with a thunderclap that blew out every single window in the room. When the shower of glass, brass machinery and other debris finally ceased, Twilight came out from under her wings to find Trixie knocked out cold in a tangled heap with whatever had come from the void.
Chapter 1: Weekend in PonyvilleSomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
Chapter 2: Snake DungeonAs I did on many a saturday morning, I awoke with a dull headache, cotton mouth and all the other wonderous symptoms of a night out drinking. But then all of a sudden-books. Books everywhere. I looked about the strange room before recalling it was Twilight that had brought me home. She was nowhere in sight but apparently had let me have the bed. I had also been carefully tucked in. Oh, that horse. Downstairs, she was curled up on the couch. Her head lay on her folded up forelegs and one purple wing stretched out draping over the coffee table. She had apparently been in a wrestling match with her blanket and pillow, which were discarded on the carpet. I stepped over quietly and carefully took hold of her wing, gently guiding the appendage along its range of motion back into a folded position. I then draped the blanket over her and as a final touch, I took up an empty coffee mug on the table and hung it by the handle over her horn. Perfect. A couple hours and a hike later, I clambered through a knot of wild underbrush with the compass clutched tightly in one hand. The vegetation here held a slick moist feeling- not out of place in the humid and dank Everfree. The field in front of me was covered in similarly soggy vegetation and wooden detritus but looked a bit too flat compared to the dense trees that squared it off. I ventured into the tall grass for a few paces before my foot fell upon stone tiles concealed where they had sunken into the earth and been covered by the grass. The compass worked its magic and a memory flashed into my mind. A huge snake's head painstakingly carved from solid granite, mouth yawning wide to expose a staircase leading downward into the dark. A table heaped with steaming pots and beakers. A dagger being dipped into a vase of caustic green liquid. I glanced down at the compass as the runes within faded from their white-hot glow. I found the entrance behind a pair of tall willows that had grown up to envelop it back into the forest. The smooth stone was eroded, looking rough and pockmarked with any detail it once had worn away long ago. It retained the rough shape of something that -could- have been a snake's head at one point if you squinted at just the right angle. With flashlight in one hand and trusty crowbar in the other, I ventured once more into the breach. Twilight sat outside her bedroom door, hoof frozen midway as she reconsidered knocking. According to a nearby clock it was still early- 8 on the dot. She began to pace back and forth. I shouldn't bother him, but I want to make sure he's alright. He had a lot to drink last night... She bit her lip, watching the inert door as if it would reveal some sort of answer. The thought of a male sprawled out on her bed spreading his microbes all over the place was equally thrilling and awkward. What if he was in there putting up pink curtains and throwing potpurri all over the place? "Hey, Twilight?" A voice called from the stairwell. She hadn't noticed Spike until he spoke. "I wasn't spying!" Twilight shouted. "Err...okay?" The dragon said, "There's a couple of guards out front that want to speak to you." There were indeed a couple of guards waiting on the doorstep, clad in full goldsteel armor. "Princess?", one of the mares spoke, both of them bowing quickly, "We've got a lead on those Gryphon bandits. One of our air scouts spotted them heading into an old dungeon just inside the Everfree. We'd appreciate some ah, magical artillery." "Are they really that dangerous?" Twilight asked. "It's been rumored that they've actually committed murder" she replied, nodding. Twilight's eyes narrowed, "Okay, let's go." The snake dungeon was pretty bland as far as these old places were concerned. The corridor weaved back and forth in gentle curves that must have mimicked the shape of a snake's body and there were no visible doors or other distractions. A Pony skeleton leered out of the darkness into the circle of illumination provided by my flashlight. It was half crumpled against the wall. Such sights were not unheard of in the dungeons but I halted. The skeleton's bones creaked as its head began to turn, the sound disturbingly loud down here in the dingy silence. I wielded my crowbar, poised to smash the thing. A mossy green snake suddenly slithered out of the skeleton's empty skull, which fell and smashed apart on the floor with a hollow pop. I kicked a rock at the snake and the creature decided to retreat, disappearing into a gap between the bricks. The final chamber came into view after one final sharp curve of the corridor. It was open with a high arched entryway, flanked by two pillars carved into the likeness of a couple of cobras coiling toward the ceiling. These statues had endured the elements a little better and their eyes still twinkled with inset emeralds. I had to give the sculptors credit-they managed to make them look menacing. The circular chamber beyond was wide open but mostly empty. I had expected a chest but instead found a sarcophagus situated on a podium in the maw of another stone snake's head. The two fangs from the snake's head extended down on either side of the sarcophagus, making it impossible to manipulate the lid which I confirmed was too heavy to lift after attempting to pry it directly up. I went to work with the crowbar and a hammer pulled from my pack, chipping away at one of the aged stone fangs. It put up quite a resistance but finally snapped off. I worked the lid open by prying and pulling until it was maneuvered off the side of the sarcophagus. It fell to the ground with a loud thud. Laying there in the sarcophagus was a dessicated corpse. Papery scraps of skin clung to the bare white bones, all of it covered in a powder- whether it was dust or the byproducts of rot I could not say nor did I care. It was humanoid but as I examined the reverse-jointed leg bones, it was obvious that it was not a long-lost relative of mine. Placed on the hollow chest of the creature was what must have been the artifact- a long and thin dagger held in a leather sheath. I reached down and tenderly plucked the artifact up. Flashlight in mouth, I unsheathed the weapon. It began to ooze with a greenish substance that seemed to well up from invisible pores on the blade. A dagger of venom most likely, not that I was an expert at identifying these things. A noise reached me from the corridor outside. I whirled around to the entryway. Luckily, the source of the footsteps revealed themselves before my imagination had time to conjure up all sorts of creeping horrors stumbling toward me in the near-darkness. Four strangers filed into the room, the look on their avian faces instantly recognizable as predatory. They fanned out and one sauntered forward, large green eyes piercing as she looked me up and down. It was hard to tell in the dingy light where her feathers ended and fur began since both were a glossy jet-black color. She wore a cloth vest and a mace strapped across her front side. The gryphon whistled, "Well well. I knew these dungeons had booty in them but this is ridiculous!" Her cohorts laughed at that while I stood to face them squarely. I crossed my arms and tried to exert an air of confidence. "Ladies? I don't believe we've met" I said. "The name's Stormlight" The black Gryphon said, "I heard you back in town talking to that old dried up bag of a unicorn. Said you were pretty good at finding artifacts." She paused to extend a viciously sharp talon and scratch at the floor. "Now the way I figure it, you don't have a horn..." "On his head anyway" One of the other gryphons mumbled causing a round of suppressed chuckling among them. "...So that means this little talent is coming from somewhere else. Why don't you be a good boy and hand it over. Things could get ugly down here for a stallion all by his lonesome. Some bandits could come barging in and do...well, all manner of unseemly things to him." I unzipped my hoodie and shrugged out of it leaving my top half clad only in a less restrictive plain green t-shirt. "Oh no," The black Gryphon said, "You wont get off that easy. Hand the detector over first, then we can have some fun." She saw what I was really intent on doing when I drew the crowbar and held it at the 'bash some skulls' position. The Gryphons apparently detected some humor in this and they laughed heartily. "Alright, enough screwing around. Grab him." Stormlight ordered and two of the Gryphons stepped forward. The one in the lead- a grey-feathered and squat looking catbird, broke into a trot toward me. I feigned a swing at her and she reared up, arm poised to grab my weapon. But instead, I flipped the crowbar and smacked her in the side of the head sharply. It was enough to rattle her and send her stumbling backwards. I crouched and swept a leg out from under the other Gryphon with the crowbar's curved side. She grunted as her head smacked the stone. Stormlight watched all this with her beak agape but then unstrapped the mace she carried and passed it off to the third henchgriffon, this one tall and a bit skinny with messy rust-colored feathers. She swung the mace low a couple times trying to clobber my knees as I backed up, the stone snake's head behind me looming up from the darkness to cut off any further retreat. The skinny Gryphon pressed forward. I brought the crowbar up to block a vicious swing of the mace, replying with a short jab to the Gryphon's midsection and a boot to the chest to send her onto her back. A flash of black feathers approached from my right side. A talon closed around my crowbar while another sized one of my arms, pain shooting through it as the claws dug into exposed flesh. I was then lifted off the ground and swung around, but was thankfully released while my crowbar remained in Stormlight's grasp. Stars exploded across my vision as my ribcage was introduced to the big stone snake's head. Stormlight landed and loomed over me, tossing the crowbar aside. Her henchmen had regrouped and encircled me where I lay propped up on an elbow after having the wind knocked out of me. Blood streaked down my right arm from the puncture marks and it stung terribly from supporting the weight of my upper body. "Heh. I guess you're not just a pretty face after all" Stormlight said. She motioned to the skinny Gryphon holding the mace and she handed the weapon back to her boss. The smooth coppery head looked particularly solid. "Sorry. I'm not really the chivalrous type." Stormlight said, raising the mace on high. "Me neither" I said. Before Stormlight could turn my head to pulp, I remembered the ancient technique of the 'cunt punt'. Standing over me, she had left herself wide open for the maneuver. My kick landed perfectly on target betwixt the Gryphon's legs. Her eyes bulged and her beak fell open with a shrill sound of agony. She dropped the mace, which had been held directly over her head. The heavy ball of metal fell directly on top of her skull with a loud thunk. Two of Stormlight's cohorts each seized one of her arms and held her as she crumpled backwards. I scrambled to my feet as Stormlight shouted and cursed, rolling about on the floor in pain. "Skin him alive!" Stormlight shouted, her voice booming off the walls of the dungeon. Her compatriots were blocking any escape route and I didn't imagine outrunning them would be an easy task. With a lump in my throat, I took a step backward as they approached. But then my foot sunk into the floor. The tile I stepped on had depressed with an audible click. There was a deep rumbling sound from behind us that grew in intensity until it felt like an earthquake. Chunks of stone and dust were dislodged from the ceiling as the wall sunk to reveal a steep upward slope. A thunk echoed as something very large was released from some hidden cache. A huge boulder appeared, tumbling down the ramp but it was immediately obvious that it was no ordinary boulder. Instead, the giant ball that sped toward us was composed entirely of snakes of all sizes, colors and species. They filled the dungeon with a cacohphony of ravenous hissing. The wriggling mass must have been approaching the size of a house I guessed. "Jesus slaphouse Christ!" I shouted. A line of carriages thundered through Ponyville, a dozen in all, upsetting the normally quiet and peaceful saturday morning. Screwball perched herself atop the lead carriage, mouth wide as she played the part of a siren though it was more akin to an air raid alarm. On the scene, a cordon had already been set up around the dungeon. Guards patrolled the woods while Pegasi orbited the area. The carriages screeched to a halt in the field, disgorging groups of armor clad guards. A guard captain, a russet-coated Unicorn, stood near a command tent that had been set up. Her voice amplified with magic, she shouted in the direction of the dungeon. "Alright, come out with your hooves up! We've got the place surrounded!" "What's the situation?" Twilight asked as she and Spike approached the captain. "WE'VE GOT THEM-" Twilight's mane was blown back as the captain answered with a still-amplified voice. The captain's horn ceased glowing and she cleared her throat, voice no longer amplified, "My apologies, Princess. I meant to say we've got them cornered but we've had no contact yet. I'd say they are planning on going down fighting." The words were scarcely out of the captain's mouth when there came a commotion from the dungeon entrance. Four Gryphons flew out into the daylight and found at least two dozen crossbows pointed in their direction. "Oh thank Celestia, the guard!" one of the Gryphons squawked, throwing herself at the hooves of the nearest guardspony. "Please. Take me to jail, I did it! Just get me out of here!" "No! It was me, I was the mastermind all along! Take ME!" Another of the Gryphons pleaded to the bewildered guards. Stormlight crossed her arms silently and hung her head with a look of disgust as she and her fellows were quickly clapped in irons. A human lumbered out of the entrance shouting for the Ponies to clear the area. Noone reacted until a few seconds later when shouts rang out and guards went running and flying off in all directions. The dungeon's entrance seemed to explode in a geyser of stone, dirt and wriggling snakes. "A-Adam? What are-?" Twilight followed him as he ran across the field, vaulting fallen logs and boulders while waving his arms madly. But she then saw the abomination of snakes speeding toward her. Lowering her horn, she did the only thing that came to mind in the moment and sent a powerful beam of destructive energy into the mass. The force of the beam blew the nearby tent away and overturned a couple of carriages in its wake. The explosion cracked like thunder and could be heard for miles around. Fluttershy sipped her tea as she sat at the kitchen table of her cottage, enjoying the pleasant warmth of the sun streaming in through the window behind her. thud thud thud...wham! Fluttershy turned to the strange sound of something falling outside. "Oh. It's just raining snakes that are on fire" She said calmly to herself. She took another sip of tea and slowly slid down off the chair and onto the floor. She walked over to the refridgerator, opened it and climbed inside. She shut the door. A refrigerator would be an okay place to live, she decided. Things at least made sense in the refridgerator.
Chapter 3: Fast timesAuthor's Note This is the designated clop chapter. May write some more later on if its any good. Feels a tiny bit rushed but meh. More dungeon antics soon to follow. Chapter 3: Fast times "This is all my fault" Twilight said as she paced back and forth back in the library. I watched her from the couch, bandages around my injured arm. "I wish you'd stop saying that" I said, "I'm fine-" She ceased her pacing and looked at me, "No. I didn't make sure you were settled in well enough. It's unacceptable." "That's not your job" I told her, "I can work just fine, I just wasn't so lucky looking for jobs up in Canterlot. I tried warehouses, the mines, even the guard. They just looked at me like I was crazy. What else could I do, strip?!" Twilight shot me a very serious look, "I promise you won't have to do that. I won't let that happen." "I was kinda joking.." "Come stay with me. We can find you a more appropriate job down here." I scratched my chin thinking the offer over. It would eliminate a leg of the train ride I normally had to take when off to conduct business. "I don't know, I'd feel like a big ole mooch" I said slowly. "It's no trouble" Twilight assured, "I can clean up the basement and you can take my room-" I grimaced, holding up my hands. "No, no. Stop, zip it and flip it. If I'm going to stay here then I'll take the basement. I was born in one after all." "If you're sure," She said, a hopeful and damn adorable smile blooming on her face. "So you will stay with me?" I nodded. "And I hate to start making requests off the bat but can we just tone down this overprotective stuff a bit? I really don't need a lot of catering to." She nodded, "Okay. I'll clean a space out for you right away, then we can send a carriage for your stuff-" I motioned to the backpack on the opposite end of the couch, "Already got my stuff." "That's everything?" She asked, taking the pack up in her magic. I stood and grabbed one of the straps to keep her from running off. "You're already doing it. Zzztop it. You haven't listened to a thing I've said have you?" I noticed another of Twilight's friends watching us from a doorway. Rarity stood with a tight grin on her face. "Sorry, Spike let me in. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" She asked Twilight with a teasing twinge to her voice. Twilight dropped my bag, a slight blush on her cheeks, "Er, n-no not at all." Twilight and Rarity sat in the library's kitchen, two cups of steaming tea between them as they watched the human outside. He worked on an old bookshelf that had been dredged up from the basement. Spike was assisting in the operation. "Adam is rather feminine, isn't he?" Rarity remarked. Twilight nodded her agreement. She watched the human scratch the beard that had sprouted on his chin in the week since he had moved in. He maneuvered another board into position, spare nails held in his teeth. "Yes. But I'm just glad he's not out there dinking around in those old dungeons." Outside, Spike shouted when a spider crawled out from some hidden recess of the bookshelf. Adam immediately moved to deal with it, hammer held in hand. wham! "Stay still you eight-legged freak!" He shouted. "Well you certainly charmed him quickly" Rarity said, "Don't let Rainbow Dash get to you. He seems perfectly nice." Twilight knew she was referencing Dash's assertions to anypony who would listen that she had seduced the lone human in the land. As she put it, he "Craved the V" "That's not what this is" Twilight replied, annoyed. "We're just roommates. I'm keeping him away from having to steal old artifacts and associate with criminals. That's it. Stallions and mares don't have to be..you know, physical all the time." wham! "I didn't mean to insult you" Rarity said. "I'm just helping him." Twilight repeated, sipping her tea. "Spike!" Adam called, "I need a cremation over here- wait, don't hit the varnish! Oh god! Ah shit!" He ran across the yard in the other direction holding a flaming can at arm's length. "I suppose the dear needs it." Rarity said. Life in Ponyville was peaceful enough and I found myself falling into the alluring harmony of a routine. Twilight had me watch the counter during business hours performing all the expected duties of a librarian- mostly keeping track of the books that our sparse customers came to check out. It was better than nothing but still felt a little too close to busywork for my taste. I attempted to balance it out by being on point with any miscellaneous chores or home improvement that needed doing. Before I knew it, a couple weeks had passed and the arrival of another quiet friday found me posted up in my designated station at the counter. This was what I hated about routines- it seemed to put time into overdrive. 10:00 AM I groaned inwardly as the first customer of the day trotted through the doorway. Reluctantly, I cleared away the napkins and other remnants from the bagel and iced coffee that bookhorse had dutifully provided. I had already gained a fan of sorts among the patrons of the library. Peach Fuzz was her name and awkwardly staring at me over top of books that she pretended to read was her game. Unicorn type, tall among the ponies she was, with an unkempt reddish mane and a light pink coat that fit her name perfectly in texture. I had mitigated the staring a bit by putting the money earned from the dagger of venom to use. I had ordered a nice new long-sleeved shirt from Rarity. The woolen garment was a pleasant deep blue and after snipping off the lacey bits it fit my strict utilitarian tastes perfectly. As a side benefit, it made my chest and arms less visible to prying pony eyes. Peach Fuzz gave me a hearty good morning which I returned with a considerable amount of summoned enthusiasm. She seemed to be unaware of the volume of her voice more often than not. I pretended to study the book ledger intensely while Peach Fuzz went to browse a shelf that she selected at random. Today, however, she dispensed with the half hour or so of aimless browsing and went straight for the approach after only a couple minutes. With the grace of a rusty shopping cart she rolled up to me with an unblinking smiling face, bumping into a rack of paperbacks and nearly overturning it. "Sorry" She calmed the swaying rack with her potato magic. "It's fine" I put on my best public relations face, "How can I help y..." I trailed off as I caught sight of something. Dangling from Peach Fuzz's mouth was what I could only identify as the string to a tea bag. The paper tab swayed in the air below her jaw. "Hey you uh...I think you have something caught in your teeth" I pointed out, gesturing to a corner of my own mouth. Her green eyes widened. "Oh yeah." I watched as she withdrew from her mouth exactly what I suspected- a tea bag. "I chew on these 'cause my dad won't let me have soda. I make my own tea as I go" She explained, beaming at me like she had just revealed the secrets of the universe. "Ahh I see. Well that's a thing," I replied with feigned interest, "What can I help you with today?" A solid two minutes of silent fidgeting was the response. I was feeling an eye twitch coming on. "Umm. So, um. y-y-you're really pretty do you have a marefriend." Peach Fuzz choked out at last, phrased like a statement rather than question. It took me by surprise but she could not see the look of shock since she was occupied staring at the floor. I felt a pang of sympathy for her. fuck sympathy and lie your pants off My brain shouted. "I actually do at the moment. I'm sorry." "That's okay," She was still addressing the floor, "If she's ever mean to you come tell me and I'll smash her with katana pattern alpha-gamma!" "I will certainly do that." I promised. With a bellowing shout akin to a donkey braying, she absconded from the library swinging the tea bag around like a flail. 11:30 AM Applejack swung in to check out a single book- "Citrus Fruit: Elimination and Prevention" 1:50 PM I flipped through a glossy magazine- "True Baker Stories" featuring headline articles such as "Bake to Thrill" and "Eight Ponies, Seven Muffins- a harrowing tale" I was alone in the library, accompanied only by the constant ticking of the wall clock. The door whined as it swung open and a familiar blue Pegasus hovered inside, a book tucked under an arm. "Heyyy" Dash greeted. "Good afternoon" I returned while she flopped the book on the counter. "Daring Do and the Primal Caverns" I repeated the title as I marked it as returned in the ledger. The cover depicted the titular character in some deep cavern, swinging a torch to ward off what looked like crystalline scorpion type creatures. A stallion with long, flowing golden hair clutched her leg in fright. "Heh. Are these books any good?" I asked. "I like 'em" Dash said. She hovered up to eye-level, resting her forehooves on the counter. "You want to know what my favorite part was?" "What's that?" She leaned forward, "The part where the sexy librarian kisses the awesome pegasus." I smiled and gave a laugh. "Hmm...mediocre" "Ouch, dude. I made that up on the spot, c'mon." Dash leaned further forward and our mouths met. There was a brief but furious battle of the tongues and then she separated. "Doing anything tonight?" She asked. "Nah. Want to meet at the usual?" She nodded, "See you there." 3:45 PM Alone again with my thoughts, I found my fingers tapping the object in my pocket rhythmically. The compass. I kept it close out of habit but it felt like ages since I had touched it. My hand slithered into the pocket and I noticed not for the first time, how flawlessly smooth and round it was. It had to be a perfect shape, I just knew. No memories came to me at the moment but I had faith in the thing. The magic within it had to be perfect as well, to be worthy of inhabiting such a geometric wonder. "Adam?" I nearly jumped at Twilight's voice and found her suddenly standing next to the counter staring at me, a stack of books floating in her magic. "Oh, hey boss" I smiled at her. She chuckled, "You were really zoned out there. I don't blame you on days like this. Anyway, it's a quarter past four. You're off." A quick look at the clock confirmed as much. That was actually pretty weird. I knew a half hour hadn't passed, it shouldn't have been even five minutes. I cleared the counter off and stowed the ledger in the appropriate cabinet in somewhat of a daze but the promise of the weekend swept the strange occurrence out of my mind. A few hours after night swept over the land, I sat in the Ponyville park. I'd never be caught dead in a park at night back on earth but with the threat of rabid hobos removed from the equation, it was relaxing. The blanket of shadows was nice and cozy, a courteous shroud of anonymity to do kinky things without scrutiny. Rainbow Dash sat atop me as we continued the oral wrestling match from earlier. She ran her hooves up underneath my shirt and her hooves kneaded my chest while I massaged her backside, each hand full of warm flank. The moonlight mushroom made an appearance, sprouting angrily from my open zipper and pressing against dash's soft lower stomach. She lifted herself up and I aligned the docking as she lowered herself on me. The cool of the night air gave way to tight moist warmth. "Ready?" She whispered in the darkness. I gave her buttocks a sharp slap and my fingers pressed into the mounds of flesh in response. She wrapped her legs around my torso anchoring herself as she began to thrust. I grunted at the jackhammer-like assault. Dash increased her pace, intimate parts clutching at my own harder and faster. "ooof!" I let the sound escape as she drove her knees into my sides, making it clear there were no brakes on this ride. I broke our kiss and panted for a few seconds before she placed a hoof on my cheek and turned my head back towards her and another smooch. I shifted my hands to her hips when the yogurt catapult became ready to fire. She arched her back and raised her face to the sky. I darted one hand to her throat and held a firm, non-strangulating grip. Her eyes opened in surprise. "Y-yeah!" She cried. And in one final thrust, I came within Rainbow Dash. Some out there across the multiverse would call me a subhuman degenerate. Others would applaud me for accomplishing a dream. I cared not a whit for either as I emptied into her in spurts of ecstasy. She gave a contented sigh, the iron grip around my torso slackening. Dash slumped forward and planted a few kisses down my neck as we caught our breath. "Sweet....no-thing!" I whispered in her ear and she softly laughed. "You're a goof" She told me. I don't know how long we sat connected in the dark when something caught my eye. Across the grassy soccer field in front of us, a street lamp illuminated a wash of the park, the far side obscured by the black silhouette of a tree line. Something stepped into the light. "Hey Dash?" I asked. "Yeah, babe?" She asked dreamily, raising her head. "There aren't supposed to be timberwolves here, right?" "Of course not. No way-" And then she turned around. "We should probably go" I said as something stepped forward, glowing yellow eyes blazing. The creature might have been a timberwolf at one point in time, but something had gone horribly wrong. A lump formed in my throat.
Chapter 4: 3d Maneuver PonySomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.
