Where am I?

"Deadlift tiiiiiiimmmmme ahhh!"

*sigh* "Here we go again." I said as I took out Aspis. "Hey! Deadlift! Whadda ya say I just not kill you and you give me Janeys digistruct key!?!"

"Not gonna happen girlie! That Springs turned me down, called me an Asshole, and to this day, still thinks I'm a Dick! Now why would I give her anything she wants?" He ranted.

"Because if you do I won't kill you again?" I said.

He just laughed like it was the funniest thing he'd ever heard. "You think you can kill me again? Well think again missy, because there is now way I'm even giving you a chance to kill me agai-ain-ain-ain......"

"What the hell?" I muttered. Dead lift tried to make words but nothing came out, so he just got a creepy grin on his face and pulled out a mysterious weapon.

I threw Aspis at him, but he just took it and kept charging the weapon. He waved goodbye and shot me with it... And that was the last time I saw Elpis, Pandora, or John.

In Equestria

"Uugh. I fell like a kraggon just puked me up. Where am I?" I looked around to see I was in a forest. "Well, I'm DEFINITELY not on Elpis. Or Pandora for that matter. So where am I?" I got up and started to wander.

*snap!* I whipped around and aimed my rifle at the source of the sound. It was a lion. With wings? And a scorpions tail. It roared at me and started circling. "Damnit. Oh well. It's not like I haven't killed worse." So I pulled out my Breach Major Tom and shot it three times. It fell to the ground in a crackling heap.

As I continued on with my wandering I decided to check my reserves. Luckily I had a hammer space backpack, so I had all the ammo and weapons I'd need for the next year or so. Not that I planned to stay that long. Where ever I was. Eventually I came to a tree that had been hollowed out with a door and windows. As I walked in I noticed tribal masks and what appeared to be a potion brewing cauldron. Great I thought. Looks lime there's psychos here too. I started to leave, but when I turned around I saw a tall woman painted like a zebra. We stared at each other for a while before she said "Who are you I must know, who intrudes upon my abode?"

I was caught a little off guard by the rhyming but answered "I am Athena. And you are..." Tense, as I thought she was another psycho.

"Zecora." She said.

"Zecora. Odd. But that's beside the point. Can you help me?" I said.

"That depends on what you ask, and we will see if I am up to the task." She responded.

"Okay. Two things: One. Can you stop rhyming. Two. I need to know where I am." I said.

She sighed and said, "I suppose if I must, and to fulfill your second request, you are in Equestria."

"Is that the name of the planet, or the territory?" I asked.

"That is the name of the territory. The planet is called Equus."

"Equus?" I've never heard of this planet. Maybe it's time to do some research. "Alright, I'll bite, where can I do some research? No rhyme intended." I said.

"If research is what you want then the best place to go would be Princes-"

"NO!" I shouted. "Sorry. No royalty." And she just looked at me like I was crazy.

"Why?" She asked. "Princess Twilight is quite literally the princess of Friendship."

Now it was my turn to look at her like she was crazy. Then I burst out laughing. "Are you SERIOUS!?! Hahahahahaaa!! That's- hoo! That's a good one. But seriously, is she princess of the territory or a district of it?" And once again I just got a blank stare. "Wait. You're serious." She nodded. I just face-palmed. "Wow. That is something I never-EVER expected to hear. I've heard of Giant Kraggons, A guy who called himself the Merriff, and even an alien, Three Faced Sentinel! But that, that just kinda disappoints me."

"Well, her name may be different from where you came from, but here she is one of only four Alicorn Princesses." She said.

*sigh* " Very well. Take me too your leader."

"Well, she's not the leader of the country, but I'm sure you'll meet them soon enough."

In Ponyville

Just before we got out of the forest I saw the edge of a town. I put my hood and an Oz mask on. Can't have a whole town, small as it may be, knowing a mercenaries face. I was drawn out of my thoughts when I noticed Zecoras footsteps had stopped. I turned around. "What is it?" I asked.

"This is as far as I go." She said. "I have much to do and little time to do it. I bid you farewell. Just find the giant crystal castle." And she left.

I wandered through town for a while, looking for escape routes and what allyways were and weren't dead ends. I had seen the castle from the edge of town, but you can never be too cautious. Eventually my walk around town came to an end as I approached the castle. Two guards were standing in front of the doors and tensed up as I approached. "Halt!" The one on the right said. "Who goes there?"

"Just a girl looking for help from the princess." I said with my Oz mask-altered voice.

"You don't sound like a girl. And I don't see a tail on you either. Are you from another country?" The one on the left asked.

"Indeed I am." I said. Athena, at your service." I said.

"Well, Athena, I'm afraid we cannot let you in." Righty said.

"And why is that?" I incurred, waiting for Lefty to respond.

And sure enough, Lefty spoke up. "Because it is our job to protect the princess,and we cannot simply let some wanderer in a hood in."

I smirked. They were only armed with swords and shields. This is too easy. "Are you sure about that?" And drew my sword.

"Are you challenging us?" Righty said.

"Well, I wouldn't consider you much of a challenge, but I'm feeling generous, so yes." I retorted.

They brandished their swords and Lefty said "Hmph. Cocky aren't we? What do you say we kill it Thunder?"

"I'm all for it Swift." Righty/Thunder said.

I simply stood with my sword and waited. Thunder and Swift charged me at the same time. I waited until the last moment and drew Aspis. As they hit it with strike after strike the inner blades began to spin. Eventually Aspis was fully charged and I let it loose. It hit Thunder and ricocheted at Swift, but Swift raised his own shield. It shattered, but didn't go through. As I caught it he took out a whistle and blew into it three times, then rushed over to what was left of Thunder.

"Thunder!!" He shouted. Then he looked at me with fire in his eyes. "I'm gonna kill you for that. You hear me!?! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!"

I just chuckled and said, "You and what army?"

Just then the main doors burst open and he stood up and said "This one." As twenty guards poured out of them. They circled around me with swords out and waited. I simply sheathed my sword and said, "You all have one chance to run before I melt you."

One of the guards yelled,"With what, your mind powers?" Causing him and the rest of them to laugh.

I even laughed myself and said, "Hoo! Mind powers! That is not my fortė. But I know someone who could." And paused before I continued, waiting for them to stop laughing. "No. I'LL melt you with acid. So, last chance." I said menacingly. When they all stood still I said, "Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh wait, you won't be able too." I jumped in the air and with a burst of Oz I slammed back down, creating a ring of acid thanks to my Dahl Oz kit. They all screamed as they dissolved. "Ahh. I just love the screams of my enemies in the morning." Just then I heard a scream that sounded different from the rest. I turned to the doors and turned to see another painted woman. "What is it with these people and painting themselves?"

She looked at me and said, "This is just my natural coat!"

Coat? Was all I had tome to think before something amazing and terrifying happened. She sprouted wings. Wings!! Then her horn-horn!?! started glowing and I was blasted off my feet. The last thing I heard was "Spike? SPIKE!! Take a letter. Tell the princesses that I require their presence immediately."