Tales from the Borderlands: Equestria Edition

What? What is this? This power? It feels wonderful. Even better than Moxxis' Vibra-Pulse. Ummph! I'm such a bad role-model.

"Athena? Athena! I'm seeing eye movement. Get the doctor!!

"Uuunnh. What happened?" Ching! "And why an I all chained up?" I asked.

"Well welcome back to the land of the living Athena! It was very hard to keep you alive. Your heart stopped twice and you had multiple seizures. You also had severe third degree burns and lost some of your blood through osmosis!! Imagine that." The doctor said. "As for why you're chained up, well, I heard you're a criminal. AND, a mercenary. So does that answer your question?"

"I suppose." I sighed. "But what happened? And... osmosis? How is that possible?" *sigh* "I've been asking that question a lot lately." I looked at the doctor.

"I think I'll let the princess answer that one ma'am." And stepped aside, revealing the princesses.

"Hello Athena." They both said. "How are you?" Luna asked.

"Well, I don't know. You want to tell me what happened first?" I responded.

Celestia sighed and looked at me. "You- You- You.... Oh I can't say it!!" She exclaimed.

"Say what? What!?!?" I shouted.

She looked defeated and said, "You Ascended. You are now an elemental being with a magical capacity like we've never seen in a mortal. Tartarus you may not even be mortal anymore."
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"BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!! You're kidding right. Right? You're just fuckin with me! That's pretty good! Magical capacity. HA! Magic didn't even exist where I lived! How would you even know I have magic now?" I ranted.

"Because here in the world where we DO have magic, we can test that kind of thing. But the most obvious sign would he around your neck." Celestia said.

"Around my-" *gaaaaaaaaaasp* Around my neck was my scarf. Well, my new scarf, I should say. My old scarf was brown with white stripes. My new scarf was blood red with glowing
gold stripes and it was...........(Hold for dramatic effect)

flowing!!!

"Wha! Get it off! Get it off!!!"

One of the nurses went to grab it. "NONONODON'T!!" Luna yelled, a little too late.

She touched it and it felt like I was being rubbed. Down there. I yelped and backhanded the nurse so hard she flew into the wall.

"OhmygoshI'msosorry!" I shouted as I ran up to check on her. Then, a few seconds later, a spear was pointed into my face.

I followed the shaft and at the end of it was a guard that looked suspiciously like that swift guard that I killed.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to see if the lady I just bitchslapped is OK." I said to him.

"Oh, so NOW you care about ponies well-being, hmm? What about my brother you killed!?!?" He yelled.

"Ah-HA! I thought you looked familiar! So that was your brother? I must say he had a little more balls than you seeing as how he formally challenged me. You just came up from behind me and pointed a spear at my head." I said with a smirk.

"Shut it before I jam this spear up your-

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Celestia yelled. "I will not stand and idly watch as one of my Solar Elite degrades himself!! Stand down Quick Spear!"

"At once Princess!" He shouted and stood up straight.

"Much better. Now, if Nurse Redheart is alright, I would like to introduce you to your new caretaker and teacher. *Ahem* You can come in now!"

The same purple girl from before walked in and looked at me uneasily. She then turned to Celestia and said "Do I have to do this? I don't feel very safe knowing what she can do."

"You'll be fine Twilight. You have a whole regiment of guards at your castle and we have her weapons. All you must do is house her, and teach her how to use her new powers. You don't even need to teach her combat magic! Just basic spells and maybe some healing spells if you're up to it."

She sighed and looked at me, then said "Alright. I'll try."

"Wonderful!" Celestia said. "You may go now if you feel like it."

"Very well." Twilight said. "Shall we?" She asked me and put out her hand.

"Fine..." I said, and took her hand as we flashed to the front entrance of her castle.

"You better not try anything funny." She said.

"Right. I'm now back in training and you expect me not to try anything? Funny." I responded.

"Ugh! You know what I mean! Just, try not to kill anyone else. Please?" She said.

I sighed. "I suppose. Your training will be payment I guess."

"Payment?" She said while looking at me funny. "Oh! Right, you're a mercenary. Well, I guess that works."

"Good. Now, can we get started? I'd like to experience what using magic is like." I said.

"Very well. Let's go out back. That will be your training area."

We walked around the base of the castle to an area that looked like it had been made by a nine year old.

"This is to be my training area? It looks like it was just thrown together! By a child!!" I complained.

"Well for one, it actually was just thrown together. And for two, it also was just thrown together by a child." She said.

"Hey!" Shouted a young voice. "I'm not a child! I'm 12 years old!" We turned to see a small purple and green boy looking at us with a sour face.

I snickered and said "Well if your not a child, and you're not yet a teenager, what are you?"

"I'm a.... I'm a uhhh... You know what I mean! And what are you supposed to be? Some kind of hairless pony?" He shouted.

I looked around, confused. "Last I checked ponies don't stand on two legs. Or talk."

The purple girl, Ahem, pony, looked at me. Apparently offended. "Well, I hate to break it to you, but here in Equestria, humans don't exist. So think about that before you go talking about people like they're animals." She said.

It took me a moment to respond. "Well, girl. If humans don't exist in Equestria, then what am I? Also, before you go judging people who aren't from this world, maybe you should try filling them in on basic information before accusing them of being offensive."

"First of all," she started "my name is Twilight. And secondly, if you wanted to know something, you could've just asked, and I would've been happy to fill you in. Lastly, for future reference, we as a species are known as ponies. So if you're going to treat us like we are animals, just know that we can treat you like the myth you were." She finished.

I stood and stared for a moment. Then I smiled. "Good to see you've got some balls after all." I held out my hand. "Athena."

She stood wide eyed, then shook her head and smiled back. "Twilight." And shook my hand.

I let go and said, "So. Where do we start?"