Life Outside The Cave

by Calum Hooke

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Other, Self Insert
Length: 4870

A philosophically bent human in Equestria story, SI-ish.

A philosophically bent human in Equestria story.

What do you do when almost everything you thought about the world is challenged, when you cant even be sure if what your seeing or hearing is even real at all?

That's the million dollar question isn't it.

Published 2016-02-13 00:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2017-06-14 09:25:40 UTC

Solipsism and Breakfast

I reached the landing at the top of the stairs and went into the bathroom, there I quickly washed my face and hair with plain water and combed my hair with my fingers, my hair was in an undercut style with the sides and back being short and the hair on-top of my head remaining rather long by comparison, I looked rather more presentable after my hobo shower but my state of dress would ruin any chance I had of being considered decent.

I walked back down the corridor and made my way to the main room of the unique abode, it was in a circular style the walls being covered in books of every size and shape on any conceivable topic of the times, sitting on a round table in the center of the room was a bust not of anyone I would have feasibly recognized but from the rest of the room I could deduce that it may have had a similar meaning to a bust of Pallas perched above a chamber door.

Inside the room was 3 doors, the one I just came down leading towards the ground floors bathroom and the basement, The front door leading outside to the street, plus the archway which lead to the kitchen which was next to a staircase leading to the more personal abode of my patron and her, assistant? brother? child? it was kind of confusing to be honest, in my introductions they made it a habit to show a professional air but quite rapidly afterwards it was quite easy to see they were a lot closer than mere acquaintances.

I strode into the kitchen and greeted them both, “Mornin you two, what’s up?” I questioned civilly in my own, unique here accent.
“I’m making pancakes.” exclaimed the younger male, “Would you like some?”
I chortled, “Well I didn't just come here to talk.” I said taking a seat, “Yes, thank you”
The head chef had been anticipating this response it seemed and immediately placed a stack of food in front of me, he was exceptionally diligent, there was butter, jam, sugar, a tea cup and a fresh pot to use it with, there was just one thing missing.

“Do you have a knife and fork? It's kinda hard to eat with just my hands.”
“Hands? Oh yeah right sorry” he placed the utensils down on the table next to me, I quickly thanked him and began pouring myself a cup of the tea, it seemed to just be a typical black brew, I took a sip and realized I needed something else too, I stoop up with the cup walked to the fridge and added some milk.
“Why are you doing that?” questioned the girl who until now had been buried nose deep in a book while sipping her own tea, I hadn't even been sure up until now that she had even noticed I entered the room.

“This is how I’ve always had my cuppa.” I replied, “Milk and no sugar.”
“That's, weird” she stated turning back to her book, she looked a mess I had to wonder if she had gotten any sleep last night.
“Did you sleep alright?” I questioned her while placing a multitude of delicious toppings onto my food, while hoping she would actually answer me the first time rather than force me to use her name, which I wasn't sure I remembered correctly.
“After you fell asleep last night Twilight spent the whole of the night pouring over books trying to find anything on humans.” the serpentine butler explained, thankfully reintroducing her name, ‘I really need to make a better effort on remembering names.’ I thought for what must have been the millionth time.

“Spike, I didn't stay up all night” she sheepishly said, “Oh sorry I forgot that you were muzzle first in a book drooling when I came downstairs.” he riposted.
By now I had finished off the pancakes and the tea, taking both over to the sink to rinse them I asked another question, “So what are we going to do today?” It was the pertinent question, from all my conversations with Twilight she didn't want me to leave her sight, almost worried I would disappear back to the vapors from which I had seemed to have sprung.

“I thought I would show you around town, and introduce you to my friends.” she said excitedly, “You're lucky you got here when you did a couple of months ago and everypony might have been too scared to speak to you.”
“So Spike still would’ve spoken to me?” I asked, the language here felt very weird and confusing to me.
Thinking this question meant in jest she plowed on with her own, “How are you holding up?”
A simple question and I undoubtedly knew what she meant by it but decided to drag it out anyway, “Do you want the pleasant answer or the truth” I jested cocking a grin, she narrowed her eyes at me and I conceded to her request. “I’m tired, sore and, confused, with hardly anything to my name and I still can't tell that this is or isn't just some fever dream.”
“You think this isn't real?” She said shocked, “Of course this is real!”
“Okay then prove it, prove that this is all real and not a product of my own brain, that everything I’m seeing, hearing, touching, smelling or, tasting isn't just a hallucination.”
She was smart, almost dangerously so, the look of concentration on her face trying to work out a solution was powerful enough to set the table on fire and yet, she couldn't do it, it was impossible.

“I can’t.” she said “There is nothing I can say or do that couldn't just be rationalized away as your brain making it up.”

“That’s the problem, unfortunately this is something nobody can help me with, it's something I have to decide for myself” I state, shaking my downturned head. “But thankfully in the end it doesn't even matter, if this is a dream then there's nothing to lose by playing along and if it's real then by playing along everything works out just fine.”

“Twilight this has been a problem for Human philosophers for about 2300 years.” I explained turning to face her, “It's called solipsism, meaning roughly ‘alone with myself’, there are people in my world that believe the whole universe and everything in it, including memories were created just last Thursday and there is no way to prove them wrong no matter how ridiculous it seems to everyone else.”
“Spike did you get that!” Twilight exclaimed newly energized “Human philosophy, how exciting.” she looked ecstatic and was staring at Spike who with quill and scroll in claw was copying down every word I said. “Yes Twi.” he drawled bored.

“Okay.” I said weirded out by this animated display, “Though to be honest that isn't the thing that upsets me the most, It’s my lack of property” I explained gesturing towards my lack of attire, “I have no shoes, no shirt I was brought here with just the things I was sleeping with and, no cigarettes” I mumbled this last part, the rational part of my brain knowing that the first things were more important, the rest of me really wanted a smoke.
‘You know maybe this is a good thing too, ‘The things you own end up owning you. It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.’

“Well if you need some help buying essentials I can help.” Twilight smiled “Anything to help you feel more comfortable.”
‘Wait what, what’s with all the generosity, in the past 24 hours she's given me a place to stay, food and now she's taking me shopping, what's the angle.’
“That’s alright Twilight I think you’ve done enough.” I said flatly trying to see how she would respond to this.
“It’s really no trouble Princess Celestia gives me way too much money as it is” she explained with a smile on her face.
“Oh so there's some nepotism in the royal court is there.” I jabbed “Well alright then, thanks Twilight, I have just the thing to repay you.” I ran back to the basement before she could say anything grabbed the Kindle and went back upstairs. “Here take a look at this.”

Twilight grabbed it in her magic turning it around and examining it, “What, is this?” She questioned.
“It’s called a Kindle, It’s a portable way of storing and reading books, this one has about three-thousand five-hundred books on it give or take a couple of hundred.”
“Oh no” Spike said terrified, She had managed to figure out the controls, unmoving the only thing that gave us the impression she was even still alive was the gentle pressing of the buttons as she read.
“So what do you want to do Spike?” I directed to the draconid companion who was still trying unsuccessfully to get Twilight's attention.
“Sigh, want to play a board game?” Spike questioned as we walked out of the kitchen.

Battleships and Confusing Mathematics

While Twilight sat comatose in the kitchen Spike walked over to the shelves in the children's or I suppose, the foal’s section of the library and began to search, Hungry Hungry Hippos, Monopoly, Twister, Candy Land, Connect Four and, Scrabble were all here plus a version of what looked like Battleship called ‘Cloud Bucker’.

“Want to play this one?” asked Spike holding up the Battleship clone.
“I would play anything here that isn't Candy Land.” I answered with a smile, we walked over to the reading table in the middle of the library and unpacked the game board.
Taking a cursory glance at the rules it was quickly apparent that the rules made the game exactly the same as Battleship, each player had 5 pieces and a grid to place them on, there were red pegs shaped like birds for hits and white pegs for misses, the names of the pieces were different however, The largest cloud shaped piece was called a Cumulonimbus the next largest was called a Cumulus and so on.

“Hey Spike, why are all the pieces named after clouds?” I questioned, these long names didn't seem beneficial to a game designed for an early entry level.
“Apparently it was originally designed to help educate the Pegasi foal’s about different types of clouds.” He explained, I wasn't too sure how successful that would be, apart from the sizes of the pieces they looked identical.

The board was set up now, I had my pieces spread out around the outside on the board with my two largest pieces touching one another at 90 degrees in a corner.

I won the game, Spike’s strategy seemed to be just picking places at random till he got a hit and then searching near there till he finished bucking what he was aiming for.

By the end of the first game this is what the board looked like.

“Hey Spike, How come you only shoot at random?” I questioned.
“Shoot? You mean buck don’t you?” he rebuffed with a confused look on his face, after replying the affirmative he stated, “How else will I figure out where you are?”
“Look at how I've been playing, what do you see?” I inquired.
“Well you made a diagonal box in the middle.” he pointed out.
“There are two things I did that are obvious” I elucidated, “The first is I targeted the center of the board first, because of the shape of the Cumulonimbus it’s very likely at least one part of it will be near there, I got lucky and you happened to have lots of pieces near there.”
“Huh, I never noticed that.” Spike stated, “What about how you were going like a checkerboard, if you were trying to figure out where in the middle I was why only buck half the squares?”
“That’s my second point, what’s the size of the smallest piece?” I questioned.
“Two spaces, easy.” He replied instantly.
“Exactly, and seeing how the smallest piece is two spaces large I don't need to check every space just every other space, until I get a hit.”
Spike looked excited but for what reason I couldn't discern, that was until he spoke up.
“I’m going to beat you now Twilight, I know your trick!” He yelled excitedly.

It was at this exact moment my hostess decided to enter the room, Kindle floating behind her.
“What trick?” Twilight asked.
“We were just playing Batt … Cloud Bucker and I gave Spike some strategy advice.” I replied stumbling over the name.
“There was never any trick there, just probability and math, anyway why are there even more books on this than you said there were?” she interrogated gesturing towards the Kindle.
“Wait more books.” I repeated, “I said there were three-thousand five-hundred, how many books are there?”
“I counted them all out and there's about six-thousand six-hundred.”
‘That's … really weird where could an extra three-thousand two-hundred books come from, unless.’
“Twilight what base of mathematics does Equestria use?” I queried.
“Base eight for everyday use of course, what does that have to … Oh.” Twilight finished with a burst of realization.
“Yeah my species uses base ten because of the fact we have ten fingers.” I said wiggling them for emphasis, “Why would ponies use base eight.” I asked confused.
She replied quickly, “Foals learn math by counting on their legs, if the knee is bent it's a two and if its straight its a one.”
“Huh, interesting.” I replied, this was going to get very annoying and confusing.

Just then came a knocking at the door, Twilight cantered over to answer it.

Animals Alliteration and Afterlife

Twilight opened the door with her magic revealing a butter yellow mare with pink hair. “Hi Fluttershy, what can I help you with?” Twilight asked eagerly with a happy smile on her face.
“Hi Twilight, Angel wasn't eating his breakfast and I’m worried he may be sick, could I borrow your copies of the ‘Aggregated Animal Analysis Almanac?”
‘What is with that name.’ I thought, 'It's awful alliteration annoys and astonishes.'
“Sure.” Twilight answered, “They're upstairs, I was reading them last night.” she turned around galloped up the stairs to retrieve it.

“Oh my, what kind of creature are you?” Questioned Fluttershy from well inside my personal space, she had leapt towards me at a speed competing with that of Olympic athletes the second she noticed me.
“He’s a human.” Answered Spike on my behalf still packing up our game. “Twilight found him in the woods.”
“You don’t mean the Everfree forest right?” Fluttershy inquired looking nervous and casting frightened glances at me.
“Nah, she found him wandering around the Whitetail woods, carrying a blanket.”
“Oh, well I’ve never heard of a human before.” Fluttershy stated.

“I have a name Spike and really that's unsurprising, as far as I know I’m the only one here.” I told the empty air right in front of me.
“Uh, Spike where did Fluttershy go?” I questioned, wondering how such a brightly colored equine could just disappear like that.
“She’s over there, behind the door.” Spike elucidated while pointing over to the door into the kitchen.
“Huh okay, what does she do for a living?” I asked trying to ease some sense of normalcy into the room.
“She’s an animal caretaker.” Spike replied “She helps ponies find pets and helps them take care of the ones they already have.”
“That can be a very tough job, she must really enjoy it to keep doing it.” I stated. “Fluttershy, would you like to hear a poem? It's about some of the animals from my home.” I said in a raised but measured tone so as to make sure she heard me.

Slowly, trying to appear as small as possible, she strode into the room and took a seat as far away from me as possible.
“Okay, this poem was written by a man named Banjo Patterson it was released in a book he wrote named ‘The Animals Noah Forgot’ roughly, … 120 years ago.” I explained after some quick math. “Just give me a second to remember the whole thing.” I requested and after a short while started reciting.

The strongest creature for his size
But least equipped for combat
That dwells beneath Australian skies
Is Weary Will the Wombat.

He digs his homestead underground,
He's neither shrewd nor clever;
For kangaroos can leap and bound
But wombats dig forever.

The boundary rider's netting fence
Excites his irritation;
It is to his untutored sense
His pet abomination.

And when to pass it he desires,
Upon his task he'll centre
And dig a hole beneath the wires
Through which the dingoes enter.

And when to block the hole they strain
With logs and stones and rubble,
Bill Wombat digs it out again
Without the slightest trouble.

The boundary rider bows to fate,
Admits he's made a blunder
And rigs a little swinging gate
To let Bill Wombat under.

So most contentedly he goes
Between his haunt and burrow:
He does the only thing he knows,
And does it very thorough.

After I finished Spike looked like he was sleeping and Fluttershy looked much more relaxed, she immediately began interrogating me.
“What's a Wombat look like? I’ve heard of Kangaroos before, the royal gardens have them but I’ve never heard of a Wombat." she asked meekly.
“You have Kangaroos here? Huh, Well Wombats are quadrupedal, short-legged marsupials, they can be found almost anywhere in the wild, they are very adaptable and they're herbivores, the reason they dig is to either make homes or to get at a plants roots.” I explained

“And what about dingoes? Why is there a fence to keep them out?” She asked again.
“Dingoes are the descendants of working dogs brought over from another land a very long time ago, they are the apex predator of the Australian outback, the fence in the poem is known as the ‘Dingo Fence’ it was built in order to keep dingoes out of the more populated areas, as they were killing sheep, the fence is about 5000 kilometers long.” I answered.

“Um, kilometers?” she queried.
“Do you use miles here?” I asked receiving an affirmative answer I replied. “It would be about 3000 miles”.
“Wow, a fence that large would reach to Baltimare and have some distance left over.” Twilight stated as she came down the stairs.
I smiled a toothy grin. ‘This was a nice conversation.’

“I..I just have one last question” asked Fluttershy. “Do you, um eat … meat?”
‘Damn I have no idea how they’ll react to this.’
“Y-yeah humans are omnivores we eat cereals, lentils, vegetables, fruits and well meat.” I replied hesitantly, wondering if I should have lied.
“I thought so, It’s your teeth I noticed them when you smiled.” Fluttershy continued. “What are you going to do for food now?”
“Well I won't be eating any ponies before you jump to conclusions.” I replied snippily.
“That's an extremely specific denial you know.” Twilight said eyes narrowed.
“O..okay it’s just that I take care of lots of animals and not all of them can only eat plants, so if you need some um, food I might be able to help.” she graciously and nervously offered.

“That’s an extremely kind offer Fluttershy but where do you get it from?” I asked.
“Oh there's some fisher-ponies that help me out so I can feed my friends” she explained happily which soon turned downcast. “And when one of my animal friends is about to pass away they tell me to give them to some other animal.” she replied almost in tears.
“Fluttershy your friends are being extremely generous.” I told her.
“Yeah, they would give Rarity a run for her money!” Spike helpfully added.
“I know but I still miss them, I can't watch after I give them away.” she wasn't about to cry now but it looked almost as if she felt ashamed.

“Fluttershy, ‘Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.’ Your friends generosity in their final moments mimics teachings of my own world.” I told her. “Certain groups of Buddhist people when they die, have their bodies fed to vultures in order to give even after death. They believe that in sustaining another's life the world itself will recognize their good deeds and their soul which has already left the body will be in a better place because of it. Once the soul has left the body all that remains is flesh.”

I walked around the table and gave her a hug.
“Thank you” she stated. “Oh, I never asked your name.” I just smiled and laughed.

Clark's Third Law

“You can call me Al.” I told Fluttershy.

“It was nice meeting you Al, we’ll have to talk again sometime.” She responded with a sheepish smile that I returned. “It’s really time for me to go though, thanks for the books Twilight, I really hope whatever is bothering Angel isn't serious.”

“I’m sure it’s nothing serious Fluttershy, perhaps they just weren't hungry.” I reassured “It was nice meeting you too.” Fluttershy quietly left the building behind her closing the door as she left.

I took a look at Twilight who had already returned to the Kindle, “Bye.” she stated not looking upwards from the device unaware that her guest had already left.

“Twilight.” I asked snapping my fingers trying to get her attention, “Hello, Earth to Twilight.” she jumped.

“Yes, What's happening?” she brusquely responded, “Where did Fluttershy go?”

“Fluttershy is gone Twilight.” I said removing the tablet from her magic, “And I’m sure this needs to charge.” I informed her.
Sleeping in the basement I hadn't left it near a windowsill like I normally would in order to catch the morning sun and before that It had been tied into my doona to carry it easier.

“How do we charge it?” she questioned. “Please tell me it does not require something you don't have with you.” She asked looking a little worried.

“Nope its simplicity itself.” I informed “If we just leave it with this panel here in direct sunlight it will be charged again after a while.”

“That's a handy enchantment, I have to admit when you said It needed to be charged I was worried we wouldn't be able to use it any more.” Twilight stated.

“What do you mean ‘we’ Twilight.” Spike snarked.

“I might find a use for it again Spike though I’ll probably be more interested in the pages in the walls for a while now, and as far as enchantments go it’s nothing supernatural, just materials science.”

“Could you please tell me how it works?” asked Twilight curious, as she spoke I walked up to the windowsill next to the east facing wall ready to place the Kindle down in the light.

“I can do my best.” I informed as I walked back to my seat the device still within my grasp.

“Okay so the way I understand it.” I said placing the solar panel face up onto the table, “Is that within the panel are two layers of silicon with the tiniest parts of silicon connecting up with 4 other parts of silicon and so on throughout the material, are you with me so far?”
I asked the two, Spike making quick notation and Twilight nodding along urging me to continue.

“Okay so the top layer of silicon has extra amounts of a tiny particle known as electrons which is what carries electrical charge, electrons are things like lightning for example, while the bottom panel has extra spaces for these electrons to sit into.”

“But.” Twilight questioned, “If that's the case what's stopping these electrons from just falling into the holes on the bottom layer?”

“Well they have.” I informed, “But not entirely, after a few of the holes had been filled it created a layer between the two sheets of silicon so more electrons couldn't find their way through. Anyway when the panel is left in the sun, photons which are small particles of light hit the panel and can knock the free electrons loose creating a hole for an electron, the hole moves to the bottom layer while the loose electron is collected by the metal grid along the top of the upper panel and is directed to the positive end of whatever is it you would like to power, the electron continues after that to the negative end of the device and goes back to the bottom layer of the panel filling a hole and ending the cycle.”

“Are you sure this isn't magic? It sounds pretty fantastical.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I’m one-hundred percent certain it isn't magic.” I said “It’s kinda funny one of my favourite writers wrote that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable to magic, I guess its all relative it doesn’t seem super special to me because I’ve had things similar to this my entire life.”

Now I had recollected the Kindle and placed it at its home for the moment, “So it won't last forever will it.” Twilight stated. “Eventually the bottom layer will have been filled or the top layer won't have any more electrons to let go.”

“Yeah that’s right, it will take a few years for that to happen we can cross that bridge if we get to it.” I told the purple unicorn, “So what's the plan of action today?”

“Well I wanted to go introduce you to all my friends.” Twilight elucidated, “We have already met Fluttershy so we are on schedule the only question is who do you want to meet first? Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash or Rarity.”

“Can we go see Rarity, please Twilight.” Spike pleaded positively giddy.

“Might as well, we'll get to all of them eventually I’m sure.” I affirmed to the pleased drake and his purple caretaker.

Author's Note

Hopefully I can find a schedule to keep this going, still interested in doing so, It's pretty cathartic getting words down onto metaphorical paper, cant find the drive to get a substantial number of words down at a time, I could work on it for a few days and put a 3000 word chapter out but at the end of the day I like publishing what I've done.

Prologue

Plato’s allegory of the cave, an idea that everything we; see, hear, smell or, touch is limited by our phaneron. We can’t see all there is and we don't know what else there could be. These limitations preclude being able to see the world in certain ways when our preconceptions might be challenged.

I used to think this snippet of information interesting but ultimately useless, I was sure that the way I saw my world matched with what other people saw, we had the same names for chairs, phones, shovels and the colour red, even if spelling differed from place to place, I was a realist.

But now, well.

“Are you going to get up or not?” I heard from outside the door, ‘The new landlady, I thought to myself, acts quite a bit like the one from my childhood.’ and chuckled.
“As soon as I untangle myself from the doona.” I replied
“And how long does that take? You said you were awake 10 minutes ago” she stated dryly through the closed door,
the question was rhetorical and she trot up the stairs from the basement legs sounding from the steps.

It was just as well I had this doona, one of my few remaining possessions, the bed I had slept in that night was decidedly small, the frame and already existing blankets being better sized for a child than a 20 year old man, I had moved the mattress to the floor in the night so my legs wouldn't hang over the end.

The other possessions I still owned was a kindle with a solar panel placed into its cover, expensive but useful in it own way, I enjoyed reading and when travelling the convenience of a power-point wasn't always a guarantee, the flannel pyjama pants I was still wearing and the briefs underneath, I wasn’t the most possessive person but this complete lack of property was mildly depressing to me

I stood up onto the wooden floor, placed the mattress back onto the bed frame and walked towards the door, the smell of pancakes drifting down the stairs and through the cracks surrounding the edges of the portal.

Author's Note

So this is the first work I have decided to upload to the net, I’m not sure how long I will continue this, whether it will continue or just be an exercise but I will write at the very least a few chapters.
This story could be seen as a sort of self-insert, ‘write what you know’ kind of deal, but I think I’m humble enough to not create any kind of wish fulfillment fantasy, but as I write more feel free to call me out on it if you want. :)