"Look, I- I can explain…"
"I'm sure you can," Twilight growled through gritted teeth.
"It's… it's a great explanation," Rainbow Dash insisted. "Promise."
"It'd better be; you've destroyed most of my front door and the surrounding wall."
"Oh, it is. You'll be in shock when you hear it, it's that good of an explanation."
"I'm waiting," Twilight said primly.
Rainbow held up her hooves. "Ok, so, it all started this morning when I went to Sugarcube Corner for breakfast…"
* * *
* * *
Rainbow Dash burst through the door. She tossed her mane and held her head high. "Good morning, Ponyville!" she shouted.
Mrs. Cake looked up with a wry smile. "Good afternoon," she returned.
Rainbow glanced back at the clock. Sure enough, it read a little after one. She shrugged and turned back towards the counter. "Well, if it's afternoon, then it's time for afternoon cake! I'll have a slice of your famous red velvet cake."
"Coming right up!" Cup said cheerfully.
Rainbow soon got her cake, and carried it over to a nearby booth. She set it down, sat down, and adjusted it until it was directly centered in front of her. She picked up her fork, spun it once around her hoof, and then gently and methodically slid it through the frosting on top of the slice.
And then she scooped up a good third of it and shoved it into her mouth, spraying frosting and cake crumbs all across the table. "So good," she breathed as she dug her fork in again.
"Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow swallowed and lifted her head. "Bon Bon?"
"I need you to come with me," Bon Bon said quietly.
The only thing odder than her request was her outfit; she wore sunglasses that covered most of her face and a large watch on her wrist. Rainbow looked down. "I'm still eating, but-"
"Bring it with you," Bon Bon ordered. "I need your help."
Rainbow blinked. "What could be more important than afternoon cake?" she asked.
"How about the safety of all of Ponyville?" Bon Bon challenged.
That was enough to make Rainbow Dash pause. "Like, all of Ponyville?"
"And the surrounding areas," Bon Bon confirmed.
"But afternoon cake," Rainbow insisted.
Bon Bon scowled. "I don't have time for this," she muttered, and she pulled something from her saddlebag and tossed it on the table. It looked like a shooter marble. Rainbow squinted... and then it flashed once.
Rainbow slumped over, fast asleep. Bon Bon ducked under her and slid her onto her back, tossed a couple of bits on the table for a tip, and carried her out.
* * *
Rainbow slowly came to. She groaned and rubbed her head. Was she on grass? Where did Sugarcube Corner go? "What happened...? And where's my cake?"
"I couldn't carry the cake and you," Bon Bon shrugged.
Rainbow shot to her hooves. "But afternoon cake!" she protested.
Bon Bon grabbed her tail and yanked her back. "I'm glad to see your priorities are in order," she said flatly. She spat out her tail. "What I'm going to tell you is more important than cake." She took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled slowly. "I'm actually Special Agent Sweetie Drops, a forcibly-retired secret agent of a top-secret Equestrian monster-hunting agency."
"Right, and I hunt ghosts in my spare time." Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Oh, did you know that Fluttershy is a professional wrestler on the weekends? It's true. She's 'The Quivering Wonder'."
"I'm serious," Bon Bon hissed. "We got shut down a few years ago by order of Celestia herself."
Rainbow laughed, but decided to humor her. "Ok. Let's say I believe you. You're a secret agent. What's your… 'mission'?"
For the first time, Bon Bon seemed to hesitate. "I'm not actually on assignment. Technically, I'm not supposed to get involved with anything. But you never forget your training, and when I saw the signs, I knew it; and I knew that a strike team from Canterlot could never get here in time. It was up to me."
"Knew what?"
Bon Bon took a steadying breath. "There's an uprising of zombie ponies in the Everfree Forest."
Rainbow blinked. "Oh… kay… Bon Bon, I'm pretty sure zombie ponies aren't real."
"Oh, they're real," Bon Bon assured her. "And they're usually the product of some dark magic."
Rainbow squinted. She seemed to be telling the truth. Either that, or Bon Bon was a really, really good liar. Frankly, she wasn't sure which answer she preferred. "So why did you foalnap me and bring me along?"
"Because you're the only other pony in town that has sunglasses," Bon Bon deadpanned.
"Really?"
"No, you idiot! Because you're the fastest pony in Ponyville and I need your speed!"
"Now you're speaking my language," Rainbow said, her ears perking up. "What do you need me to do?"
"Basically, I need you to stay alive."
Rainbow's ears dipped slightly. "Run that by me again?"
"I need to get in. You're the fastest. You can probably get me in and out quickly enough so I have time to get in, lay the charges to blow the lab up, and get out before Lyra even knows I'm gone."
"There's a lab?"
"The zombie ponies didn't just spontaneously appear, Rainbow," Bon Bon scowled. "Do you know how much work goes into making a zombie pony?"
"No idea," Rainbow answered honestly.
Bon Bon paused. "Fair enough," she conceded. "Look. There's a bad pony out there who wants to make a big mess. Will you help me stop him?"
Rainbow thrust her chest out. "Stopping bad ponies is what I'm best at," she answered. "I'm in."
"Good," Bon Bon said, "because we're there." She jerked her head to the side, and sure enough, Rainbow could see out into the Everfree Forest.
She blinked. "You knew I'd accept?" she asked, feeling cheated somehow.
Bon Bon merely shrugged. "Come on, daylight's burning."
* * *
Rainbow Dash peered through the underbrush. There in a little clearing sat a small castle, complete with stone walls, little towers, and huge, wooden doors.
And on the top of the exterior wall stood an honest-to-goodness zombie pony sentry, complete with rotted skin, yellowed eyes, and shuffling movements.
"This is it," Bon Bon whispered, checking her watch that wasn't really a watch. "This is where the traces of magic all originate."
"Wow. How many castles are there in this forest?" Rainbow wondered aloud, not really expecting an answer.
"We know of four," Bon Bon answered anyway, "but there's huge swaths as yet unexplored."
Rainbow stared at her.
"It was low on our priority list," Bon Bon defended herself, misinterpreting her stare. "We had other things to worry about, like monsters escaping from Tartarus and vamponies and such."
"Wait. There are such things as vamponies?!"
"We can have that conversation later," Bon Bon said curtly. "The plan is we go in, we get out, I blow it up, nopony is the wiser. Now remember, we've got to be really, really quiet; or else…"
Rainbow jumped. "Ow!" she shrieked.
Bon Bon sputtered. "What did I just-!?"
Rainbow started slapping at her flank. "This is- what the-?"
Bon Bon understood instantly. "You sat on an anthill?!" she hissed.
"Well, it's not like I meant to!" Rainbow shot back, slapping the last of the ants off.
One of the zombie pony guards on the walls turned. He opened his mouth and made a loud shriek. The doors creaked open, and more zombie ponies began working their way out towards where the two ponies were hidden.
"Welp," Bon Bon said grimly, pawing against the ground. "Hope you know how to defend yourself."
"I do."
"Good. Aim for the head, nothing else kills them."
"Not the heart?"
"They're animated by magic, Rainbow," Bon Bon said, readying her hooves as the first zombie pony neared. "They don't need hearts." She demonstrated this by driving her left hoof into the nearest zombie pony's chest. It kept moving… until she drove her right through its skull. "They do need nerves and muscle fibers, so I guess you could rip their whole nervous system out; but that's probably not feasible."
"Yeah, probably not," Rainbow agreed, turning around and bucking a zombie pony's head right off.
Unfortunately, there was another behind it to take its place. And another behind it. And another behind it.
Soon, Bon Bon found herself backed up against a tree. She looked around, but didn't see Rainbow Dash. She cursed under her breath. This was not going as planned. And if she came back with Rainbow Dash as a zombie pony, she was probably looking at a life sentence for contributing to the death of a national hero.
This somewhat morbid train of thought was interrupted by an explosion of color and sound, knocking her skidding backwards and slamming her into a tree. She barely managed to remain upright.
The zombie ponies fared much worse; the ones that weren't immediately blown apart or blasted backwards fell to the ground and began seizing. She looked up to see a circle of rainbow extending outward.
"A Sonic Rainboom?" she murmured, running a hoof through her mane. "Huh. Always thought that was an old pony tale."
Rainbow landed and, with no small amount of pride, asked, "So, how did I do?"
Bon Bon looked around at the twitching zombie ponies. "All things considered, I'd say you did really well. How did you know to do that? How did you do that?"
Rainbow shrugged. "I just thought, if they're animated by magic, maybe I can overload them with a burst of magic. And as for your second question, I'm just that awesome."
Bon Bon stared. "Huh. That's… actually good thinking."
Rainbow buffed a hoof against her chest. "I have my moments."
But any more congratulations would have to wait. "Come on, before a second wave shows up."
* * *
The two mares sneaked quietly through the castle. More than once, they only avoided detection because of Bon Bon's quick reflexes, pulling Rainbow Dash out of the way of patrolling zombie ponies.
Soon, they arrived at the main laboratory. At least, that's what the sign said.
Rainbow reread the sign. "So… 'Main Laboratory', eh? Wonder how long it took for him to come up with that."
"Most bad guys aren't particularly bright," Bon Bon said grimly. "That's what makes them so dangerous."
Rainbow raised an eyebrow. "Well, he does have a castle, so he's got that going for him."
Bon Bon glared. "Rainbow, there is a zombie pony apocalypse just waiting to happen. Waves of undead ponies shuffling through towns eating the flesh of living ponies, controlled only by their hunger. Tell me that sounds like something a smart pony would do."
Rainbow raised her hooves in mock defeat. "Fine. He's a nutcase. Let's go shut him down."
"Smartest thing you've said all day," Bon Bon muttered, reaching into her saddlebag.
"What's that?"
"It's how we break down doors," Bon Bon answered, pressing the marble against the doorjamb. "Now stand back," she ordered, covering her eyes.
Rainbow squinted. It was a marble! "What am I standing back fr-?"
Her question was answered when the marble exploded, with a lot more force (and a lot more light) than Rainbow had expected. She stumbled backwards, blinded, as Bon Bon burst into the room. Rainbow blindly stumbled in after her.
Bon Bon scowled. Apparently, this bad guy was known to her. "Professor Distressor," she spat.
"Seriously?" Rainbow asked, still blearily rubbing her eyes. "He's a professor? Where did he go to school, Funny Farm U?"
"Ah, Special Agent Sweetie Drops," Professor Distressor turned around from his elevated platform. He stood in front of what could only be a control panel. "I'm afraid I must inform you that you're too late! Again!"
Bon Bon smirked. "That's what you said last time, and last time I checked, you still don't have an army of basilisks."
Rainbow blinked. "There are such things as-?"
"Shut it, Rainbow!" Bon Bon scowled. She turned back to Professor Distressor. "And you're still no longer in possession of the Amulet of Brichein."
Rainbow's ear perked up. "Didn't Daring Do find that?"
"Ugh. She would take all the credit for that," Bon Bon grumbled.
The rest of Rainbow perked up as well. "So you've actually worked with the Dar-?"
"Enough!" Professor Distressor shouted. "It is time for my zombie ponies to walk the earth! And there is nothing you can do to stop me!"
Rainbow looked around. Now that her vision had cleared, she could see rows and rows of coffins. All of them had forcibly opened, with gashes and scratches along the edges. Each of them bore a pony. She gulped. "Bon Bon...?"
"Yeah, I saw them," she murmured. "I'm just hoping he hasn't-"
Professor Distressor reached back and pressed one button on the panel behind him. There came the sound of electricity buzzing, and some of the occupants of the coffins began to twitch.
"And he has," Bon Bon finished, lowering herself into a more defensive stance. "Great."
Rainbow pawed against the ground. "Oh yeah? We'll see about that!"
Bon Bon gasped. "Rainbow, don't-!"
But it was too late; Rainbow had charged. Triumphantly, Professor Distressor smirked as he hit a button and the magical shield lowered…
But Rainbow was faster than the shield. She dove down, slid along the base of the platform just underneath the shield, travelling fast enough that it didn't even pin her tail as it fell. She rose up and, before he could even react, drove her hoof into his face. Professor Distressor dropped like a sack of rocks.
Rainbow shook her hoof out and looked at Bon Bon. "Now what?"
Bon Bon blinked. "Ok. Uh… I hadn't exactly expected that to happen so easily."
"What were you expecting?" Rainbow had to ask.
"Oh, you know, more monologuing, being taken to a holding cell by zombie ponies, escaping because they're pretty stupid, and then blowing up the machine right at his moment of triumph."
"Yeah, that would have made for an awesome story," Rainbow agreed.
Bon Bon took a steadying breath. "Ok, well, now, you'd probably better get that shield raised, because right about now the zombie ponies here are going to start coming to life and the zombie ponies outside are going to start suspecting something, and I'd really like to not have my back exposed."
Sure enough, two doors on each side opened. Zombie ponies stuck their heads in, and, seeing Professor Distressor unconscious on the ground, began to moan and make their way over to Bon Bon. The ponies in the coffins began to rise, sniffing out for fresh meat.
"Hey, I wasn't even the one who knocked him out!" Bon Bon protested even as she held up her hooves in preparation for another fight.
Rainbow knew Bon Bon needed her help. She quickly looked over the control panel. There were so many buttons and switches on this thing! "How do I get the shield lifted?" Rainbow called.
"Weren't you watching which button he pushed to lower it?" Bon Bon demanded as she punched the first zombie pony.
"Yes! …no?"
"Ugh!" Bon Bon grumbled, and it wasn't because she'd smeared brain matter on her hoof. "It's that yellow button right there!"
"Which yellow button?"
"The big yellow button!" Bon Bon shouted as she kicked yet another zombie pony.
"There are five big yellow buttons!" Rainbow protested.
"Then start guessing!" Bon Bon howled over the angry moans of the zombie ponies. "But whatever you do, don't press the little red one!"
"What about the red one? Press it first?"
"No! Rainbow!"
Rainbow chuckled as red lights began flashing and an alarm began blaring. "Oops?" she offered.
Bon Bon looked back and gave her a sympathetic look. "Rainbow, that's the self-destruct sequence initiator," she said.
"Why does he even have that button?"
"There's maybe three minutes on this one. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Well, don't be!" Rainbow shouted. "I got into this mess, and I'll get myself out!"
"There is no stopping this!" Bon Bon shouted back. "Once it's initiated, there's no un-initiating it! That's the point of a self-destruct sequence!"
Rainbow shook her head. "Then go!"
"But-!"
"Go!" Rainbow shouted again. "Get out of here! And if I don't make it out, tell my friends I died a hero!"
Bon Bon saluted, and then turned and sprinted around the zombie ponies and out the door.
Rainbow looked around the little control panel. There had to be something she could do! She looked around and started pressing every button she could get her hooves on. Nothing seemed to work, and she was starting to get desperate. She threw her head back and exhaled… and then her eyes widened.
The shield didn't go across the ceiling.
Filled with renewed determination, she picked up a chair, flew upwards, and began smashing it against the ceiling. Bits of wood and other debris began raining down, but still she swung, tearing through the stone paneling itself.
She was barely able to see the first glimmer of light outside when the whole room exploded.
* * *
Rainbow Dash slowly opened one eye. Was she in Elysium? It felt like she was flying. This wasn't so bad, really. If she had to be dead, then this really wasn't such a bad way to be, with the wind always rushing through her mane and tail. She closed her eyes, enjoying the feeling of flight.
"Hi, Dashie!"
Weird… that had sounded just like Pinkie Pie. Rainbow opened her eyes again, and sure enough, there was Pinkie Pie, waving at her from her position on top of a roof.
That was weird. That had almost looked like Berry Punch's house. And that building looked exactly like Rarity's house. And that little orange pony looked like Scootaloo on her scooter, with her friends bouncing along behind her in a wagon.
Maybe she wasn't actually dead at all.
Suddenly, it hit her. She was alive. The shield must have contained the explosion, and forced all the explosive power upwards. She must have been blasted right through the ceiling like a pony cannonball and sent hurtling through the air; and now, she was flying over Ponyville. She couldn't help but laugh, relieved that she wasn't actually dead. There were still so many things she wanted to do with her life!
And then it occurred to her that if she were alive, and she was flying, she should probably watch where she was going.
She looked up… and her vision was suddenly filled with purple crystal.
Oh, horseapples!
* * *
"And that's how I ended up crashing through your front wall," Rainbow Dash finished.
Twilight raised an eyebrow.
Rainbow held her smile.
Twilight raised her eyebrow higher.
Rainbow dropped her head and exhaled. She looked down at her hooves, and then looked up at Twilight through her mane. "I was flying too fast, got distracted, and wasn't watching where I was going?" she tried.
Twilight sighed and massaged her temple with a hoof. "Fine," she said. "Just… be more careful next time."
"I will!" Rainbow saluted.
Still shaking her head, Twilight turned back around and headed back inside.
As soon as she disappeared, Rainbow dropped the salute and glanced over. "You were right," she said, still slightly surprised. "Telling the truth actually worked."
Bon Bon grinned from her position behind a tree. "Told you."
Rainbow walked over, and then hesitated. "You're not going to, like, wipe my memories with another one of those marble things or something, are you?"
Bon Bon gestured at her bare forehead. "Fresh out of memory spells," she said wryly. "And anyway, they're only good for short-term memories. Your little unconscious flight segment means your memories are permanent. Nothing we could do, now."
"Nothing?" Rainbow asked suspiciously.
"Short of a lobotomy, that is."
Rainbow laughed. "I think I'll pass."
Bon Bon cracked a smile. "Fair enough."
The two walked back through town, back to where Bon Bon lived.
Rainbow stretched her wings as they slowed to a stop in front of the gate. "I gotta say, that was fun; but I don't think I'd like to do that every day."
Bon Bon hesitated. "Don't be too hasty," she said as she turned to head back for her house. "Just… you might want to check your mailbox when you get home."
Rainbow blinked. That was an odd instruction. Still, she'd heard weirder. As soon as Bon Bon was inside, she spread her wings and took off.
When she got home, she got herself a quick snack, and then checked her mail. Though the mail had already come this morning, there was a letter inside, hoofwritten, with no return address. Rainbow raised an eyebrow and brought it inside.
And then she opened it.
Miss Rainbow "Danger" Dash,
By virtue of your experiences with former Special Agent Sweetie Drops and your contact with the pony known as Professor Distressor, you have been selected and recruited to become a member of the Equestrian Bureau of Investigation, Deep Cover Unit (DCU). This position will require you to complete various missions as assigned, but these should not be often or intensive enough to interfere with your daily civilian life, nor will they interfere with your current position as a member of the Wonderbolts Reserve. Your first mission, should you choose to accept it…
