"Why Are We Even Here?"

by colt alchemist

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 1311

A satirical approach to the hie genre. Three friends find themselves in the world of Equestria. There they make new friends and go on all kinds of wacky adventures. But the big question is, why are they even there?

Three friends find themselves in the world of Equestria. There, a friendly yet nervous mare decides to take them in and help them in any way possible. And NO! It's not Fluttershy. However, being trapped in a strange new world is the least of their worries. Now, Seth, Marcus, and Rachel will make unusual new friends and go on all kinds of wacky adventures. Not always making sense and changing the situation every time. But they still want to figure out the major question that's on everyone's mind:

Why are they even there?

This is my attempt to take a satirical approach to the hie genre. Just another fic I'm writing for fun. Might add more tags depending on how it goes. Hope you like it, thanks.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-14 03:40:02 UTC

Ch. 1 The strange start.

At the outskirts of Ponyville, a small and interesting village in Equestria, laid an unconscious stallion.  This particular stallion was an earth pony with a tan fur coat and messy black mane and tail. He was of medium height and weight and looked nothing more than an average Joe one would spot in the hallway of a school. His body began to stir and his eyes scrunched. They suddenly shot open and the stallion found himself sitting upwards.

“Huh? What!?” he exclaimed. “What is this, where am I?!”

He scanned his surroundings and started to pant rapidly. It wasn’t long until he figured out he was sleeping on the hard, dirty ground. The sharp pain in his back kicked in the moment he sat up. He let out a groan and cracked his back.  His confusion rose as he spotted the little village that was nearby. His head tilted at the sight of it.

Ok, what’s going on? He thought to himself. First I get done with baseball practice, then watched a crappy movie at my friend’s house, and now I’m suddenly in a place that looks like a coloring book for three-year-olds. Good thing I decided to monologue in my head and not out loud like some kind anime protagonist. Wait, doesn’t this count too?

His thoughts were disrupted when he saw two bright flashes in the distance. They seemed to have come from the village. They were shining a bright blue color then slowly faded down. This made the stallion even more curious.

“What the hell?” He wondered.

Should I head on over there and risk some unnatural force coming by and unreasonably attack me? He thought. Or stay here where it’s perfectly safe and no harm can come to me whatsoever?

He began to weigh his options. He was missing his friends and had no idea where they were, but then again he really didn’t feel like moving. Seeing how he just woke up and is still a little tired and confused. After some deep thinking, he came to an answer.

“Ah screw it!” he got up and prepared to walk to the village.

However, when he got up, he just flopped back on the ground. His face hit the dirt, making a loud THUD!

“Dammit!” he yelled.

He lifted his face and noticed that he left a face-shaped crater in the ground. He was not amused by this. He got back up and noticed that his face-shaped crater didn’t look, well, normal. He began to wonder why he had a horse face rather than his normal one. He spotted a pond nearby and walked over to it. He looked down and saw his reflection. He looked at his pony face for a while, confused at his own reflection.

“Ok seriously, what the hell?” he wondered.

He had no idea how to react to this. He could freak out like any other person or he could just simply deny the fact that he somehow turned into a small horse. He looked at the water some more until he finally came to a conclusion.

“I’m just going to assume this is some kind of weird dream and play along for now,” he said to himself. “Good thing I decided to announce it to myself for no real reason.”

He then turned from the pond and made his way towards the village. On the surface he was calm and didn’t care about this new reality. On this inside, well….

What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? What the f#cking hell?!

He entered the village and scanned his surroundings, again. For the most part, it looked pretty normal. There were ponies who looked similar to him walking around, nice little homes and cottages, and the weather was also good. However, this was still a lot to take in.

“Ok, why am I in a village with tiny horses? And how did I become one? Why can’t I remember anything?”

“Maybe you have ambrosia,” a pink pony said next to him.

“Don’t you mean, amnesia? And no I don’t have that.” He corrected.

His eyes widened when he realized there was a talking pink pony right next to him. He just stared at her while she smiled back at him. She just popped out of nowhere? There were no footsteps, or hoofsteps. He didn’t even see her coming. And that is not a joke for you all to enjoy!!!

“I know I keep saying this a lot but, what the hell?!” he exclaimed.

“Hiya! I’m Pinkie Pie! I noticed that you’re new in town! And if you’re new then you have no friends, and if you have no friends, then that must mean you’re lonely. Don’t fret, I will be your friend and make sure you never feel lonely again. Oh! I’ll even throw a party for you, so you can-“ she trailed off.

She was talking so fast that the stallion couldn’t keep up with what she was saying. She was just so hyperactive, he couldn’t stand it. He just stood there quietly as she kept her mouth running like a motor boat.

“So, what’s your name?” she asked.

The stallions eyes were so wide from her constant talking, he didn’t have time to come up with a response. He couldn’t believe that there could be someone, or something, who talked more than the Micro Machines guy. There were no words.

“Seth,” he answered.

“Really? That’s a weird name,” she giggled.

“And Pinkie Pie isn’t? Honestly I could feel the taste of cake in my mouth at the very mention of that name,” he remarked. Pinkie just laughed.

“That’s funny,” she laughed. “Oh! I have to plan your party! I’ll see you later, Sethy. Bye!” Like that, she zipped right out of his sight. Leaving him stunned and confused.

“Well that was pointless,” he commented.

Putting that aside, he decided to continue his journey into the village and find the source of the blue light.

“Alright, I guess we’re doing this,” he said as he walked further into the village.

He kept on walking to see if he saw anyone familiar. Which would be hard for him seeing how everyone here was a small horse and he got the idea that humans didn’t exactly exist in this world.

“This place looks so colorful and cheerful. I don’t like it,” he said he rubbed his eyes.

He really didn’t like how bright and colorful this village was. It’s actually not that he doesn’t like it, he just didn’t care for it. The whole village looked like a cheesy starting point in a fantasy game. He didn’t know where to look.

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious.”

No problem.

Anyway, he only spotted the lights from a distance, but had no idea where they came from. He looked all around and couldn’t spot anything that looked even close to a light source, like a lantern or some kind of firework machine. He looked all around, from a bakery that looked like a gingerbread shop, to an apple farm, to a big fancy boutique that looked like a merry-go-round. He started to get frustrated as he couldn’t find out where the source of the light was. Then again, he couldn’t find something that was already faded away. He stopped and grunted in annoyance.

“Ok seriously, what is going on here!? Why am I pony? Why am I even looking for the source of those lights?”

“Look out!” called a voice.

Seth looked to his right and grew even more agitated when he saw a huge fruit cart flying right towards him. It was falling so fast he couldn’t react in time, he only had a millisecond to think, but no time to move at the last second.

“Oh, F#ck me.”

Crash!

Ok, this is the worst dream ever!