Dysfunctional

by Syeekoh

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Sunset Shimmer, Slice of Life, Dazzlings, Equestria Girls
Length: 1195

Sunset Shimmer finds out just how dysfunctional the Dazzlings are.

Adagio Dazzle displays how she deals with Sonata's foul temperament, much to Sunset's horror.

Aria is still a zombie. We're not sure what's up with that.

Published 2016-02-14 20:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-14 20:00:02 UTC

Just the Most

“I will rape your throat with a rusty tire iron!”

Sunset Shimmer stared at Sonata, who had just ejaculated that phrase, then back at Aria, who was munching on a raw lamb shank. “Does she always yell like this?”

Aria took a bite out of her lamb shank and chewed slowly. “Only when playing online video games. Otherwise, she’s ‘kay, I guess.”

Sunset Shimmer nodded slowly, then looked back at Sonata. “Sonata, the first step to reformation is to use clean language, understand?”

“Okie dokie!” Sonata said with an innocent smile. The corners of her mouth then turned down. “What? FlyingChicken fucking fragged me?” She growled. “Oooh, I’m going to no scope their faggot ass into next Tuesday!”

“Sonata―”

“I know, don’t cuss. Didja think I forgot?” Sonata said with a giggle.

Sunset hummed. “She’s not the sharpest, is she.”

Aria ripped off a chunk of lamb shank. “Nope.”

“And why are you eating raw meat? Don’t you know that causes disease?”

Aria slowly chewed the meat in her mouth, then swallowed. “Only thing I can taste.”

“And why is that?”

“Zombie.”

Sunset wore a tight-lipped expression. “I suppose that would explain your pallid coloration. When did this happen?”

Aria shrugged. “Just woke up like this one day. Everything tasted like cardboard and then Adagio suggested I eat raw meat. She figured out I was a zombie from that.”

“Uh… uh huh.” Sunset nodded slowly. She would have to talk to Adagio about the ethical ramifications of turning her friends into the undead. “By the way, shouldn’t she be back by now? I asked her to get a movie we could all―”

“Headshot, bitch!”

“Sonata, language.”

“Okie dokie!”

Sunset rubbed her face. “Listen, Aria, reformation is a group effort. You’re going to have to call her out on it, too.”

Aria chuckled. “Why? What’s stopping a little foul language going to prevent?”

“Because,” Sunset said as she ran her fingers through her hair, “it’s a systemic process that starts from the smallest of things, like if you leave a window broken in a neighborhood it creates an atmosphere that enables crime.”

“Now,” Aria said as she finished off her lamb shank, “I read that study and it appears to have been flawed. You can’t just predict a looming crime wave over broken windows. There are other societal and economic factors at play. Maybe the reason the window doesn’t get fixed is related to the area’s poverty level, which is a better factor for criminality than whether or not a window gets repaired.”

“That’s besides the point,” Sunset said through clenched teeth, “the point is reformation is a holistic process and in this scenario the poverty in display is a poverty of values. It’s easier to make bigger changes in oneself if you build off of smaller changes. From these smaller changes we can enact larger changes in your lifestyle.”

“Or you just have to get hit with the right rainbow,” a sultry voice opined.

Aria and Sunset turned their heads to see Adagio Dazzle, holding a film box in her hands. Sunset glared at Adagio.

“I’ll have you know that that rainbow wasn’t the only factor in my reformation.”

Adagio chortled. “Sure seems like it.” Sunset opened her mouth but was shut up by Adagio’s open palm. “Anywho,” she said as she waved the movie box around, “I acquired a digital video disc of one of those silly romantic comedies that’s in vogue with today’s youth.”

Aria looked up. “Do you mean DVD or Blu-ray?”

“What’s the difference?” Adagio asked with a pointed glare in Aria’s direction.

“Well, Adagio, we have something that plays Blu-ray.”

Adagio glanced at the back of the box. “Lookie here… it’s Blu-ray.” Adagio grinned. “It seems my supernatural luck is still paying off in spades.”

“Yeah, right, supernatura―”

“I will spit roast your pets and eat them for lunch!”

Sunset stared open-mouthed at Sonata. “Language!”

“I didn’t cuss, though!” Sonata smiled.

“...I guess not.” Sunset leaned back into the couch. “I suppose it’s a step in the right direction.” It seemed Sonata’s outburst had diffused the tension between Adagio and Aria as they both visibly relaxed.

Adagio lobbed the movie to Sunset. “Well, put it in.”

Sunset moved to stand up before Aria grabbed her arm. “No, don’t! Not while Sonata’s playing!”

“Why not?” Sunset asked.

Adagio snorted. “Last time I tried to interrupt her playing she stabbed Aria.”

Sunset gasped “W-w-what!?”

“Or tried to,” Adagio said as she sauntered towards Sonata’s couch and patted her on the shoulder. “We’re immortal, so it didn’t puncture, plus it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because she’s undead.”

Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose. “I wanted to ask you about that―”

“Fucking shit, my team fucking lost!” Sonata threw the controller onto the ground and pulled out her phone. “Let’s see, FlyingChicken killed me…” she said as she typed the name into the phone. “And FlyingChicken is…. fucking Scootaloo!?”

Aria nodded towards Adagio, who stood up and reached behind the couch.

Sunset gasped again. “Sonata, doxing people isn’t polite behavior!”

“I don’t give a shit that fucking cunt fucking fragged me so I’m going to hunt her down tear out her entrails and lynch her with―”

Sonata’s tirade was cut off by a swift baseball bat to the head, wielded by Adagio. Sonata slumped to the ground unconscious. Adagio’s chest expanded and contracted a few times before she put the bat back behind the couch. Sunset stared at Adagio, her mouth locked open.

Adagio Dazzle took a few more deep breaths. She then looked at Sunset Shimmer, whose mouth was still wide open. “If you don’t close it, flies might get in,” Adagio snarked.

Sunset slowly closed her mouth. She then opened it again, then closed it. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Look who’s cussing now,” Aria said.

Sunset stood up. “I don’t give a shit!” She strode towards Adagio and stared her in the eye. “Friends don’t hit their friends in the head with fucking baseball bats!”

“What would you suggest we do?” Adagio said, her breath tickling Sunset’s face. “Let her eviscerate Scootaloo?” Adagio walked towards where Sunset was sitting and picked up the video. “This is really the best option. Sonata goes bloodthirsty, I clock her in the head hard enough that she forgets the last five minutes, we don’t talk about it again.” She popped the game out and the movie in. “Besides,” she said, “it’s not like I’m going to kill her.”

Sunset took a few measured breaths. “There are other ways to talk people down.”

“You ever try to talk down a thousand year old monster?” Adagio said as she walked back towards the couch and sat down. Sunset glared at Adagio. Adagio smirked. “That’s what I thought. Now we can talk about appropriate problem solving skills after the film if you’d like.”

Sunset stomped towards the couch, sat down, and crossed her legs.

Aria inhaled. “You know, I heard that if a woman’s legs are crossed, it means she doesn’t want to fornicate with―”

“Shut up,” Sunset spat out.

“Just trying to lighten the mood,” Aria said with a shrug.