Three Rednecks Hunt the Tantibus
“I’m sorry, Twilight. Could you say that again?” Larry the Cable Guy asked. “I’m pretty hammered.” He was sure he had heard her correctly but hoped he was wrong.
The panicking unicorn let out a frustrated sigh and repeated, “I was supposed to be pet sitting Angel, but he found his way into the castle’s basement, and Fluttershy will be here any second.”
The human blinked at Twilight. “Nope, I heard right. A hell demon is loose in the maze of never ending despair.”
“Please, Larry, I need your help. I asked Bill, but he said he slipped a disk while he was on the can . . . whatever that means. And Jeff took his truck to pick up blinker fluid. I’ve never heard of that, but I’m sure it’s important.”
Before the fat redneck could ask if she really bought that load of bull-crap from his “friends,” Twilight renewed her pleas. “I’ll distract Fluttershy while you look for Angel.”
“I’m sorry, Twilight, but I’m not nearly drunk enough to consider what you asked me to do.” He pointed to the massive pyramid of beer cans. “Besides, that bunny is bucking evil, and he hates me. He told Discord to turn my blood into chocolate a month ago. Now every time I get a nose bleed it’s like I’m eating a s’more.”
The alicorn glanced at the entrance to her castle nervously. “I’m sure he’s sorry for that. But you should be able to find him pretty easily. The basement isn’t that big and scary.”
Larry stared at her. “Didn’t Daring Do go down there?”
“Yes,” Twilight replied slowly.
“Well? Did she ever come out?”
The pony cringed. She was hoping that he wouldn't bring that up. “Uh, I’m sure she’s fine. I think there’s several ways in and out of the basement. Besides, you won’t be down there alone. Spike is looking for Angel, too.”
Larry dragged his hand slowly down his round face. “Oh, great. Now I gotta find him before the furry jabberwocky does.”
Twilight didn’t say anything. She just looked up at him with big sad eyes.
“Luna, damn it. Fine, I’ll go down there. If I don’t come back from this, tell Bill and Jeff that I was the one who put their hands in the water glasses as they slept. Heh, heh, heh. Man they were pissed.”
Twilight smiled brightly at Larry. “I knew I could count on you. Here’s a walkie-talkie. Spike has the other one with him. He should be checking in any time now.” At that moment there was a hesitant tapping on the front door. “Gotta go! Thank you. I owe you one.”
The redneck gulped as he stood before the basement door. He did not want to do this at all, especially since he had been up most of the night with Rainbow Dash watching slasher fics. Flashlight in hand, the cable guy descended the stairs to the musty abyss. Down he went into the depths, his flashlight punching through the blackness like a long bright spear. Each wooden step creaked mournfully as he put his weight on it. Larry halted. He could have sworn he saw something. He panned his light to the ceiling. Above him hovered what looked to be a shimmering blob of night. It quickly retreated into its ebony surroundings. At that moment, the radio burst into static life.
“Violet Star, this is Skaladrax. Come in, over.”
Spike’s booming voice over the two-way radio elicited a scream of terror from the human. The flashlight went tumbling down the stairs. Larry gasped into the radio, “Skaladrax, this is Booze Hound. What’s your twenty?”
“Larry, uh, I mean Booze Hound, where’s Violet Star?”
“She’s stalling Hippie Queen in front of your stack of bricks.”
A long pause followed before Spike replied, “What does that mean?”
“It means Fluttershy’s at the front door wondering where her pet rabbit is. Now where are you?”
Only silence answered the human as the seconds dragged on. “Skaladrax, come in. What’s your twenty, good buddy?”
At first only static answered his question before a scratchy, high-pitched voice replied, “Sorry, Booze Hound. I was paying the water bill. I found the rabbit, and I’m doing a flip-flop now. You should be in my back pocket in a short short. Lot lizards are on me tonight.”
Larry stared at the dull lights on his radio in confusion. He had been working on Spike’s trucker lingo, and he was pretty sure they hadn’t covered what a lot lizard was. Also, it sounded like Spike had been hitting Pinkie’s helium tanks again. The red neck pondered this as he reached the bottom of the staircase. As his feet touched the floor, the human sank up to his knees in mud.
“What the hell?” Larry asked as he tried to struggle out of the muck. Not bothering with the radio lingo, Larry yelled into the two-way, “Spike, I’m in more trouble than a T-Rex in a row-boat. I think that furry bastard set, a, trap, for . . . ” Larry finally stopped transmitting when he heard his words being echoed from right in front of him.
“Funny you should say that,” the high-pitched voice replied. And with a click of a light switch all was revealed.
Larry’s jaw dropped in horror as he gazed up at a very large and very angry Angel Bunny. In one large paw was Spike’s radio. In the other was Spike, or what was left of him anyway. Floating above and behind the mutated rabbit was the same oozing darkness he had seen earlier. However, Larry’s attention was focused completely on the monster rabbit’s gaping maw. The killer bunny let loose a roar and closed his jaws around the fat human’s head.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Jeff. Jeff Foxworthy, are you even listening to me?”
The redneck in question started and banged his long legs on the small desk. “Ow, damn it all, uh, Golden Corral. Is that the answer?”
Twilight blinked at the human. “This is an Equestrian history lecture, not a lecture on American cuisine.”
Foxworthy rubbed his tired eyes and yawned. “Are you sure? What was the question?”
“What year did Princess Celestia become ruler of Equestria?”
Jeff thought about this for a moment before answering. “Golden Corral would sure hit the spot right now. Do you know that if you get the buffet, you can fill up this . . .” Jeff yawned again before continuing, “this crappy little take home box for like ten bucks or whatever that thing costs?”
The alicorn faced-hoofed, “Bill, do you know the answer?”
Bill Engvall took a pull from his gallon jug. The human seemed to barely contain himself in his desk as he replied way too fast. “Wha-what was the question? Wait let me think. Is it about Sun Butt? A.k.a Princess Celestia, the Princess Celestia? The pretty, perfect, porcelain pony perched ponderously on Canterlot’s peachy peaks?”
Jeff gave his friend a sleepy look. “Bill, what the hell are you drinking?”
“Pinkie’s brew.”
Twilight’s mouth fell open in shock. The last time she had that, she almost died of a heart attack from just one sip. From the looks of Engvel’s container, he had had two quarts worth so far. “Why would you do that to yourself?”
Bill’s eyes started twitching uncontrollably. “I can’t sleep anymore. I won’t sleep anymore. Every time I do I get nightmares. Bad nightmares, the kind I wouldn’t wish on Satan, Tirek, or Barrack Obama. In my dreams a glittery black blob keeps floating around making a perfectly good dream go FUBAR in a big way.”
What his fellow redneck just said made Foxworthy sit up and take notice. “Me too. My dreams start out great, but this flying dark purple crap comes out of nowhere and turns everything creepy. And I mean Grade A Five Nights at Freddy’s scary.”
Twilight pulled at her chin in thought. “Interesting. You two are experiencing very similar nightmares.”
At that moment a very loud snort filled the air. All eyes turned to Larry the Cable Guy who was snoring in the back of the room. “Spike, I’m, I’m, in more trouble than a, than a, a T-Rex in a rowboat.”
Bill bobbed his head up and down enthusiastically and pointed. “Yep, yep, yep he’s having a nightmare, uh-huh, definitely, I can tell.”
Jeff ran a hand through his unkept hair. “I don’t know Bill. Just because we’ve been having bad dreams whenever we get some shuteye doesn’t mean he does too.”
Twilight nodded. “I agree. I am sure that this is all a coincidence. Now back to the lesson. Princess Celestia inherited the throne in the year . . .”
“Ah, buuuck!” Larry the Cable Guy screamed as he fell over backwards, toppling his desk.
In an instant Larry’s friends were by his side.
“Are you alright?” asked Twilight.
Larry gulped down several lung fulls of air before answering. “Oh my God, you sent me down your basement to die.”
Jeff rolled his eyes. “It was a dream, dummy. Twilight’s castle doesn’t have a basement.” The lanky human turned to the pony and asked, “Or does it? This place is kind of weird.”
Twilight shook her head.
The fat human blinked at this piece of news. A few moments later he smiled and let out a huge sigh of relief. “I’m alive, ain’t I?”
After helping Larry to his feet, Bill asked, “Did you see it? Did you see it? Did you see the flying burnt cookie?”
The cable guy gave his hyper friend a strange look. “What’s he on?”
“Mountain Dew times thirty,” Jeff replied while fighting back a yawn.
“Larry, I’m sorry that you had a bad dream, but as to Bill’s question, did you see a floating black . . . thing in your dream?”
The human’s eyes widened. “Yeah, I sure did. That thing looked kind of like Luna’s mane, except it was as dark as night and had bright specks like stars on it.”
Everyone stared at Larry for a long moment.
“Larry,” Jeff said dryly, “that’s exactly what her mane looks like.”
“Idiot,” Bill muttered.
Twilight rubbed her temples. “Meet me in the map room.”
A few minutes later the rednecks, alicorn, and Spike gathered around the enormous map of Equestria.
Twilight cleared her throat and said, “Spike, take a letter please.”
“Sure, Twilight, what do you want to say?”
“Dear, Princess Luna, my human friends are all having odd nightmares about a strange, uh . . .”
“Just call it a blue smoke thingy,” Larry said helpfully.
“Blue smoke thingy,” Twilight continued. “I know you’re very busy, but when you have the chance, please let me know if you have any idea what this could mean. Yours, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
With that, Spike rolled up the scroll and sent it away with a breath of green flame. Not more than two seconds later, the Princess of the Night materialized in the map room.
“Which of you saw the creature of blue smoke in your nightmare?”
Jeff raised his eyebrows. “Dang, that was quick. Are we in trouble?”
Before Luna could answer, Bill started bouncing up and down. “Me, me, I saw the blue fart! It was awful. The thing just jumps into other things and makes them want to kill ya. I mean, good God. What the hell did we all get into? We . . . .” All at once the hyper Engvall stopped jumping and slowly sat down on the floor. “Oh no, I’m coming down,” he said morbidly.
Larry took off his cap and combed his hair with his fingers. “Princess Luna, I think I speak for my fellow bumpkins when I say that we’ve all seen the smoke demon for the last few nights. And each time we see it, our dreams turn sour.”
She nodded. “The ‘demon’ of which you speak is called the Tantibus. It is a creature of my nightmares. It escaped from my slumber three days ago. Why did you three not mention your nightmares to anypony else before now?”
“Cause we’re men,” Jeff responded drowsily. “The rule of thumb is to wait at least two weeks until we ask for help on anything.”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Princess, how did the Tantibus escape from your dream?”
Luna frowned. “The Tantibus is like a parasite. My dreams must no longer be enough for it. Now it must be looking for others to corrupt.” The more the alicorn spoke, the more panicky she became. “It must have learned of you three from seeing you in my dream.”
Larry held up his hands. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out. You were dreaming of the three of us? Was it good?”
The Princess of the Night pressed her lips together and stared at the redneck. “It was tolerable.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Spike chimed in, “If all the Tantibus is doing is giving these three nightmares.”
“Hey, if you want this thing, I’d be more than happy to give it to you, since you know, it’s not a big deal and all,” Bill snarled from the floor.
“No, this is a great problem. I did not realize the Tantibus was powerful enough to escape my dreams. If it’s power keeps growing, it could escape into the real world. It could turn all of Equestria into a living nightmare.” When Luna was done speaking, she looked absolutely terrified.
* * * * * * * * * * *
That night, the three humans found themselves in Twilight’s sleeping quarters. Bill was the first to break the awkward silence. Hugging his John Wayne plushy he asked, “Uh, so what’s supposed to happen?”
“As the three of you slumber here, I will pursue the creature into whatever dream it infests,” answered the dark blue alicorn.
Jeff sighed. “Well, boys, let’s get this over with. And, Larry, if you put my hand in water while I’m sleeping, I swear to you no one will find your body.”
Larry smiled. “You’re still mad about that? I keep telling ya it was Discord.”
Ignoring the human’s banter, Twilight asked the older Princess, “What can Spike and I do to help?”
“Nothing, unfortunately. This task is something I must do alone. Only I can move from dream to dream.”
“A few shots of Jack Daniel' or Johnnie Walker would be nice,” Bill suggested.
Spike frowned. “Who are they? Are they friends of yours? Why do you want to shoot them?”
“Guys, we need to introduce the ladies and Spike to Jack and Johnnie if we get through tonight,” Larry declared.
“You will survive the night. I promise you that,” Luna said resolutely. “Now dream my friends. Dream of laurels yet to be won, songs yet to be sung, and of labors yet to be done.”
Very soon all three humans were asleep.
* * * * * * * * * * *
“Congratulations!”
Jeff Foxworthy rubbed his eyes at the sudden bright light. After blinking away the blurry after images, he found himself at the entrance of a huge Walmart.
“Granny Smith, what are you doing here?”
“Who cares? You’re our one trillionth customer. That means you get to spend a trillion dollars on whatever you want in the store. Here’s your gift card.”
She shoved into his hands a square piece of plastic worth more than the GDP of several countries. Tears of joy began to fall from the human’s face as he said, “This is the best day of my life.”
The old pony smiled warmly. “That’s nice, dear. Now get your shit and get out.”
Jeff’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as he backed away from the Walmart greeter. “Uh, yes ma’am.”
He happily began cartwheel-ing down the aisles. His mind buzzed with possibilities. He was so enamored with his newfound fortune that he crashed into a pony stocking beauty products.
“Ow, sorry about that, buddy, I . . . wait a sec, ain’t you Rarity? One of Twilight’s besties?”
“Yes, sir. And you must be our trillionth customer. Oh, this is so exciting. How may I help you today?”
Jeff scratched his chin as he looked around the store. “Uh, I would ask why Walmart is in Equestria all of a sudden, and why I’m the only customer here. But let’s go to the check out. I’m gonna buy Walmart.”
“Excellent choice, darling. Now right this way to the checkouts.”
Grinning from ear to ear Jeff followed the pony back to the store entrance.
“May I see your card?”
“Yes, you may.” As soon as the redneck handed the card to Rarity, the stuff of pure nightmares appeared right beside the fashionista.
Jeff stared at the smoke monster while Rarity was running his transaction. The beeps and whirs of the credit card machine caught the attention of the creature. It drifted closer to investigate.
“Oh, no you don’t,” Jeff yelled as he lunged over the counter, much to the unicorn’s surprise.
But he was too late. The Tantibus was passing through Jeff’s body and into the credit card machine.
Rarity gasped in horror. “Oh no, out of all the possible things that could happen this is The. Worst. Possible. Thing. I’ll have to call tech support.”
“What?” Jeff asked as he struggled to get his head out of a wastebasket behind Rarity’s counter.
“Human, hold still,” a familiar voice commanded.
The wastebasket was lifted from Jeff’s head. Jeff shook his head and spat out a coffee filter. “Princess Luna, what are you doing here?”
“This is a dream, remember?”
“No, it’s not. I just won a trillion dollars. I got the card to prove it.”
As soon as the Redneck turned around, the credit card machine had turned into a twenty foot tall monstrosity. The creature had a computer monitor for a head, and the image in the screen smiled as it held his card over a paper shredder. Jeff cried out in horror as metallic fingers let go of his hopes and dreams to be devoured by cold, unforgiving teeth. Luna blasted the enormous monster back to the pieces from which it formed.
Whirling on the alicorn, Jeff yelled, “Damn it, couldn’t you have done that a bit sooner?”
Luna ignored him as she kept firing bolts of magic at the Tantibus. But the smoke monster was too quick. The dream creature dove into an open box of Cheerios and was gone.
“It has jumped into another dream. I am sorry to leave you here, but if I am to stop it, I must follow it to where you cannot.”
Jeff sighed. “Alright, you go on ahead. I think I’ll stay here and see what they got in the bargain section in the back.”
“Sir?”
Jeff turned around to see a very perturbed looking Princess Twilight in a Wal-mart vest.
“Is your friend going to pay for the damage she has done to my store, or are you?”
The redneck gulped and smiled nervously. Half a heartbeat later Jeff bolted for the exit. “Wait for me, Princess!”
* * * * * * * * * * *
“On your feet, Mississippi. They got the McDonald boy in that saloon. I don’t intend to keep him waiting in there any longer then I have to.”
Immediately Engvall stood up catching a second wind. He broke open his side by side shotgun and loaded two shells into the breaches. “How many guys you think are holed up in there, Duke?”
John Wayne eyed him sternly. “Why do you keep calling me that?”
“No reason. I, I’m just glad to be workin with ya, that’s all,” Bill stammered on the verge of having a fangasm.
“Well, I’ve been called worse, but for the last time, my name is Cole Thornton. Now come on, let’s slip around back.”
Bill nodded as both he and his childhood hero crept closer to the back of the saloon. In front of the door, a lone guard stood vigil.
“I wish I had Bull and his bow and arrow here,” Cole muttered.
Bill was about to suggest an idea on how to dispatch the sentry when his eyes grew wide in surprise. The creature was hard to make out in the night, but Bill could still see the monster. Oozing its way out of a nearby rain barrel, the smoke demon made its way to the back door of the saloon. The gun toting guard seemed not to mind as the creature approached him. Instinctively, Bill brought up his weapon and aimed it at the Tantibus.
“He’s too far away, Mississippi,” Thornton hissed as he pushed down Engvall’s shotgun.
Bill stared at his childhood hero. “Wait, can you see that thing?”
“See what?”
Bill didn’t answer. He was too focused on the Tantibus passing through the thug. Instantly, the bandit’s hands were changed into two Gatling guns.
“Get down, Duke!” Engvall screamed as the bandit looked their direction while his gun-arms started to spin.
Cole was the first to recover as he aimed around the corner of the building. Thornton pulled the trigger on his lever action rifle, and to his surprise, Princess Luna leaped from the barrel right at the warped bandit. Both humans watched in awe as Luna blasted the bad guy out of his boots. Not skipping a beat, the Princess did a midair U-turn and landed right in front of Bill. “Human, which way did the Tantibus go?”
Engvall shook his head and scratched at his beard. “Uh, I don’t know. I lost track of it when that terminator noticed me and John.”
John Wayne looked at the alicorn and then dug out a bottle of whiskey from his jacket. Wordlessly the gunman uncorked the drink and drained what was left of the contents. When he was done he said, “When I tell my friends a flying unicorn saved my back side, I want them to think I was drunk, not crazy.”
Bill was about to make introductions, when a pair of automatic glass doors materialized on a nearby post office. John, Bill, and Luna all aimed their weapons at the anomaly. The doors opened, and out stumbled Jeff Foxworthy.
The lanky human dove through the portal dodging violet magic darts. Moments later, the doors closed and all was still. “Hoo boy, that was close.”
Bill blinked and lowered his scattergun. “Jeff? Where did you come from?”
“Walmart. I won a trillion dollars, and then that blue bastard dropped my card into the shredder.” Foxworthy then looked at Luna as Bill helped him to his feet. “Twilight is kind of mad that you wrecked her store, by the way.”
Luna gaped at the new arrival in disbelief. “No, this cannot be. How are you here in the dream of another?”
Jeff was about to offer an explanation when he caught sight of John Wayne still pointing a rifle at his head. “Oh. My. God. Are you him? Are you the Duke?”
Cole Thornton looked at Bill and back at Jeff. “Apparently.”
“I don’t have time for this. By now the Tantibus has fled to another dream.” With that, the alicorn took off into the night.
“Come on, we gotta follow her,” Jeff commanded.
“To where? We don’t even know where that thing went,” Bill whined.
“Are you kidding me? We’ve been the Tantibus’s play things for the past three nights. He’s visited the two of us. That only leaves fat white Albert.”
Bill nodded and turned his attention to John Wayne. “Duke, come with us. We could use your help.”
Cole shook his head. “I can’t. Someone has to rescue the McDonald boy.”
Engvall thought for a moment before a wide grin split his face.
“What are you smiling about?” asked Thornton.
“Turn around and find out.”
Cole obeyed, and there at his feet was the McDonald boy alive and well, along with half a dozen thugs trussed up like turkeys. Thorton wanted to ask how this happened, but the dream walkers were long gone.
Three Rednecks Hunt the Tantibus
Discord sighed in boredom. “Larry, I could make all this water disappear, and we could just pick up the fish.”
The redneck eyed the chimera. “I should have known you’d be the dynamite using type.” The Cable Guy took a sip a beer. “You guys are real assholes.”
Discord shrugged. “Eh, maybe, but what’s the point of trying to catch sea creatures with a stick, twine, and hook? What is it about humans that make them want to do things the hard way?”
Larry scratched at his beard stubble as he stared at his bobbing fishing cork. “I never thought I’d live to hear you of all people say, ‘What’s the point?’ ” The human took another sip of beer and put down his fishing poll. “When was the last time you just sat back and did nothing?”
“Well, uh, . . .”
Larry nodded. “That’s what I thought. You’re always starting shit, doing things other people want you to do, or getting turned into something for the shit you started.”
Discord glared at the redneck. “What’s your point?”
The cable guy snickered. “Doing that for forever sounds tiring. If I were you, I’d come out to a place like this, crack open a few cold ones, and let the fish bite or not bite.”
The chimera scoffed at what Larry had said, but then he turned it over in his mind for the next few minutes as he stared at his own fishing line.
“Larry.”
“Yeah, bud?”
“Do you think I should marry Winona?”
The human spewed beer all over the boat. The question had caught him completely off guard; beer was coming out of his nose and eyes. Larry took a deep breath and wheezed, “Oh man, that was a good one. You got me good, brother.”
Discord glared at the human.
“What?” asked the cable guy. After a few seconds it dawned on the human. “Wait . . . ah crap, are you serious?”
“Yes, I am.”
“But, uh, what about Fluttershy? I thought the two of you had a thing goin on.”
Discord sighed. “I don’t think it’s going to work out.”
“Why not? What happened?”
“I ate her,” the chimera replied happily. “She was delicious.”
For a moment Larry and Discord looked at each other. Larry felt a chill go up his back. He slowly nodded his head. “That’s a pretty good reason why it’s not going to work out.”
“My thoughts exactly. Larry, you’re such a good friend. You’re so understanding.”
Discord turned around and cast his line into the ocean. Larry got a good look at the chimera’s back. Slowly, Discord’s body was being changed by the shimmering black mass that was the Tantibus.
Frantically the human looked around, but there was nowhere to go. No land in sight for miles.
“Larry, could you be a pal and impale yourself on this tiny itsy bitsy hook? The fish aren’t biting. I think I need more bate.”
The human turned to look at his “friend” when to his undisguised horror, Discord had transformed himself into a T-Rex. The dino was looking at Larry with a mixture of excitement and anticipation.
The human scratched his chin, his mind racing. “Uh, sure. But how . . .”
Larry was interrupted when someone behind him yelled, “Head’s up, Larry!”
The next thing the cable guy knew, a rope was around his midriff. The fat human looked up at the T-Rex in confusion before he was pulled out of the boat going thirty miles an hour. Larry was dragged tumbling above and under the ocean. Just when he thought he was going to black out, the ride stopped.
Coughing up water, Larry wheezed, “Guys, I think something’s wrong with Discord.”
“You think? Maybe you should give him some of that Prilosec you’re so proud of. That’ll cure him right up,” Bill said as he helped Larry onboard his enormous jet ski.
Foxworthy who was on a neighboring jet ski held up a hand. “Shut up, you two. Do you guys hear that?”
The three rednecks looked where the water began to boil. Luna jumped out from that spot as majestically as a dolphin. All three humans clapped their hands at the display.
The alicorn looked down at the trio in surprise. “How are you doing this? How did the two of you get to this one before I did?” Luna asked pointing at Larry.
Bill nodded towards Jeff. “Ask him. He’s the one who dragged me here.”
Ignoring the others, Larry leaned over the side of the jet ski to see what was in the saddle bag. Miraculously he pulled out exactly what he hoped would be in there: a set of binoculars. Turning around , he put the spy glasses to his face, and his breath caught in his throat.
About a mile away on a small spec of an island, the T-Rex was grinning maliciously. The chimera’s eyes blazed with the Tantibus’s black magic. By itself this would be terrifying enough on a normal day, but it was what the chimera held that was really worrisome. Using a pair of human-like arms, Discord brought to bear a gargantuan M1 Garand with a scope.
Before Larry could scream a warning, he saw a flash from the muzzle of the weapon. The next thing he knew, he was awake in Twilight’s bedroom screaming, “He’s got a Garand! We’re all dead!”
In an instant, Twilight and Spike were by the red neck’s side. “Larry, it’s alright. You’re awake now.”
The cable guy blinked a few times and then sagged back down in his soaked bed. After drinking a cup of water offered by Spike, Larry said breathlessly. “Man, I’ve never sweated this much since I ate that ghost pepper jerky at the Tulsa gun show.”
“I take it Luna hasn’t captured the Tantibus yet?” asked Spike.
Larry shook his head. “That thing is kicking our asses all over dreamland.”
Moment’s later, Bill Engvall began to stir and wake. “What happened?”
“Ol' Tanny shot us with an M1 and killed us,” Larry answered.
“Wait, what? That thing was a T-Rex last time I saw it. How could a T-Rex use a rifle?”
“It grew arms, Bill. That thing can do whatever the hell it wants to in a dream.”
Twilight looked very confused after hearing this exchange. “Were you two having the same dream?”
“Kind of,” answered Bill. “From what Jeff told me, which is pretty freaking weird even for Jeff, the Tantibus passed through him in his dream. And since that happened, Jeff can dream walk just like Luna.” Engvall frowned. “Speaking of Foxworthy and Luna . . .” Bill looked at his friends in question. The alicorn had a wispy strand of magic coming from her horn and going into Jeff’s head. She was not sleeping but was perspiring from concentration.
“How long has she been like that?” asked Bill.
“Two and a half hours,” answered Twilight.
Larry whistled, very much impressed. “How much longer can she . . .”
Before the Cable Guy could finish his sentence, Jeff’s eyes popped open. “Ahhh, cut it off!” Foxworthy flailed out of his bed in a tangle of sheets.
Luna’s last link to the humans was severed; she opened her eyes and landed on the floor in defeat.
“I am so sorry. I have failed you. It will be back the next time to infect your sleep.”
All three rednecks groaned in unison.
“But as long as none of you dreamed of nopony else, the Tantibus should still be in your dreams, and I will be able to catch it.”
The humans averted eye contact with the Princess of the Night, wondering who should be the first to break the news to Luna.
“Uh, Princess, over the last few days I may have dreamt of pretty well all of Ponyville at one point or another,” Larry said at last.
“Me too,” admitted Jeff.
“Uh, me too, and a lot of dead movie stars,” Bill chimed in.
At this new revelation, Luna’s heart froze in her chest.
“But that mean’s the Tantibus could be turning everypony’s dream into a nightmare,” said Twilight, her voice laced with panic.
“It is far worse than that. Infecting all those dreams gives the Tantibus more and more power,” Luna said nervously. “Soon it will be able to escape into the real world and infect Equestria with its nightmare plague.”
Larry cracked his neck with his hands and replied, “Well, what are we waiting for? Bill, break out the Nyquil. Jeff, go downstairs and bring up three of Twilight’s books.”
“Which ones?”
“Any of them. They’re all drier than week old toast. We need to go to sleep fast.”
“Hey!” the Princess of Magic said indignantly.
“Make it four, Jeff. I’m coming too,” Spike said determinedly.
“Hey!” Twilight said again.
“Hold on a cotton picken minute,” Bill said. “How in God’s name are we supposed to find this thing? If it’s not in our dreams, then we’re S.O.L. It could take days to hunt down this black fart if it’s in someone else’s head.”
Bill’s comment crushed what little hope remained in the room.
“What does S.O.L mean?” Spike asked suddenly.
Before anyone could answer the baby dragon, Twilight piped up, “What if everypony was having the same dream?”
Luna thought about this for a moment. “I can create shared dreams. But for so many ponies at once. I have never done anything like that. The amount of power it would take . . .”
Jeff waved off her concern. “Ah, heck. You can do it, Luna. I mean giving everyone the same dream can’t be harder then raising the moon every night, right?”
The dark alicorn shook her head. “I appreciate your confidence, human, but you have no idea what you’re speaking of. I shall make this attempt, but all of you must go back to sleep and hope that I can create such a dream.”
And with that, the rednecks, Spike, and Twilight laid down and soon entered Luna’s realm.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Bill opened his eyes. He was in Ponyville. He looked around to see many strange things like flying books, beer cans drinking other beer cans, and Larry driving the largest tank ever.
Popping open a hatch, Larry poked his head out and yelled, “Get on board, little chillen. There’s room for many and more.”
Engvall grinned and climbed aboard the massive vehicle. “Where’s Luna and the others?” asked Bill.
“Middle of town. Come on. Grab onto one of them 50 cal’s and hold tight. This thing might have a fat ass, but it moves quicker then Dashy.”
Before Bill could ask another question, the tank teleported into the center of Ponyville.
Other town’s people were coming out of their houses and looking around at the strange scene before them.
“Ponies!”
The call came from Princess Luna. Encased in a shimmering ball of magic, the alicorn struggled to maintain the dreamworld while talking to her subjects. The ponies bowed before the Princess of the Night.
“There is no time for bowing, my friends. There is something coming, something terrible." Luna’s eyes widened in terror as she pointed to some object in the distance. “No! It is already here!”
From out of nowhere, a monstrous black cloud loomed over the horizon.
Larry put down his binoculars as the cloud thundered ever closer. Pushing the transmit button on his radio, he said, “Skaladrax, I’m gonna need some Willie Pete up here.”
“What?” came the reply.
Larry rolled his eyes. “White phosphorous. We’re gonna toast this bucker like a marshmallow, and then were gonna eat it with graham crackers and chocolate.”
“Uh, okay.”
Not waiting for orders, Bill opened fire on the Tantibus. The rounds passed harmlessly through the smoke monster.
Off to Engvall’s side Luna yelled over the din of machine gun fire. “I am so sorry. I brought this upon you! But I will end it now!” Mustering all the energy she could, she fired magic lightning at the smoke monster. The attack pushed back the black cumulus, but Luna quickly ran out of power and could not capitalize on her success.
Seeing the alicorn falter, Larry screamed down into the tank, “Now, damn it!”
“Firing!” Granny Smith shouted back.
Engvall paused in his shooting as he recognized the voice. “Was that . . .” Moments later, the tank’s dual 88 millimeter cannons fired. The incendiaries flew straight and true but detonated prematurely when a flock of flying books got in the way. As the ashes tumbled to the ground, Bill noticed that Luna was gasping for breath.
Abandoning his 50 cal, Bill ran up to the alicorn and asked, “Luna, what’s up?”
“It’s taking all my strength to hold this massive dream together. I wish I didn’t have to ask this, but you and your friends must stop it.”
Bill could feel his balls shrink in fright as he saw the Tantibus turn several houses into mansion monsters. But despite this he said, “No problem. You just keep doing whatever you’re doing. Everything is going to be okay.”
Granny Smith called from the tank. “Hey youngun, we’ve run out of ammo.”
“How’d we manage that? We’re in a dream. That’s like saying Mexico ran out of refried beans and tacos.”
The old pony rubbed her chin. “If I had to guess, I’d say Princess Luna is having trouble holding together this dream.”
When Larry heard this, he poked his head out of the tank’s cupola and brought up his binoculars. Bill, dual wielding two chainsaws was fighting side by side with John Wayne, Robert Mitchum, Lee Van Cleef, and several other ponies in a desperate battle defending Luna from a horde of nightmares. The alicorn looked like she was about to collapse from exhaustion. The redneck turned his binoculars towards the Tantibus. It had just torn another rift in the dream fabric, and Twilight's pony friends were fighting to keep it from escaping.
“Skaladrax!” Larry called down into the tank.
“Yeah, Booze Hound?”
“Broken talon! Get Foxworthy and his crew in the fight.”
Immediately Spike transmitted this message into his radio.
“It’s about time,” came the reply.
Moments later, the sky filled with hundreds of dragons. Jeff led the charge on a huge red, white, and blue wyrm. In one hand he wielded a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag and in the other an M16 rifle.
Intense fighting surged above and in the town for several more minutes until finally Luna gave a despairing cry. “I, I can’t hold this dream together for much longer. I’m so sorry, my friends. This is all my fault. I’m no better than the Tantibus.”
No sooner had Luna uttered these words, the monster attacked in every direction. Foxworthy and his dragons were knocked out of the sky, Larry’s tank was destroyed, and Bill’s movie star idols were killed again.
Popping the emergency hatch, Larry, Spike, and Granny Smith all stumbled out of the Murica XXXL Super Abrams.
“Thank God for American made dream armor,” wheezed the Cable Guy.
“What happened?” Spike asked dizzily.
“I don’t know, but we should go check on Luna,” Granny replied.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Climbing out of the twelve-foot deep crater he and his mount made when he crashed through a monster house, Jeff looked around and spotted Luna and Bill. The alicorn had tears running down her face as Engvall tried to start up his remaining chainsaw.
“I’m telling ya, Princess, that thing is feeding off the bad vibes you’re giving off right now,” Bill said as he yanked on the starter rope on the saw’s engine. “You gotta think positive like me. Work you sucky bucky piece of . . .”
“If that is so, perhaps that is how it grew strong enough to escape in the first place,” replied the distraught alicorn.
Jeff looked off in the distance. The Tantibus had morphed itself into a colossal human, armed with a celestial weed eater. Slowly but surely it was slicing away at the slim fabric of reality that separated the waking world from the dream realm.
When Engvall saw this, he immediately abandoned his attempt to start his broken saw. “What do you mean? Do you feel like crap every night? Uh, if it’s girl trouble, maybe I should get Twilight.”
“No. I created the Tantibus to give myself the same nightmare every night. . .to punish myself for the evil I caused as Nightmare Moon.”
Bill blinked as he took in this new information. “You were in a heavy metal band and did some stuff. Is that what you’re saying?”
“No, dummy,” Jeff said as he limped his way over to the pair. “She used to be Nightmare Moon. Her sister had to banish her to the moon for a thousand years because of several understandable unfortunate misunderstandings.” Foxworthy’s voice trailed off because he was running out of ways to put a good spin on Nightmare Moon.
Engvall stared at his fellow redneck in surprise.
“What?” Jeff asked. “The History of Equestria is the only book in Twilight’s bathroom.”
Bill shook his head and turned his attention back to Luna. “Why the hell would you do that to yourself? That’s worse than playing roshambo with Big Mac when he has his shoes on. You couldn’t have been that evil.”
“I created it to make sure I never forgave myself for how much Equestria has suffered because of me. It seems I have not learned my lesson. I’ve only made my ponies and you suffer more.”
Bill sternly replied, “Honey, listen. That was a thousand years ago. No one cares what you did back then. I don’t even remember what you did yesterday.”
Jeff nodded. “He’s right. I don’t remember or care what anyone did yesterday.”
Bill pointed at Foxworthy. “You see?”
Luna, however, was unconvinced. “You humans have no idea what I’ve done. I’m no better now as I was then. Because of me, everypony is doomed.”
Engvall nodded. “You’re right. I don’t know what went down years ago. I don’t know what’s going to happen if that thing breaks out of here. And I sure as hell don’t know if I want to be around when it does. But I do know one thing.”
The alicorn tearfully looked at the human.
“I know that you are not that pony from a thousand years ago. That pony is dead. If you were her, then the Tantibus would already be sipping our brains through a bendy straw. But that is not gonna happen because of you. You have my respect for doing what you do every night. You watch over us and protect us just like you’re doing now. So I don’t give a damn what you did hundreds and hundreds of years ago. I don’t know that pony and I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is what you do now. Do you believe me?”
Luna stopped crying and her eyes grew big in wonder. Just as the Tantibus was about to walk through the hole in unreality, Princess Luna smiled and said, “I do.”
The monster stopped in mid-step and whirled around, a look of shock on its distorted face. Immediately the rift to the waking world was closed, and the dream creature began to shrink. The Tantibus grew smaller and smaller until it was the exact size as its creator. Luna’s creature looked at the princess for a moment before walking forward and was absorbed by the alicorn. Luna looked at Bill and Jeff in immeasurable gratitude. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. We had to chew through a library, but we got here.”
Jeff and Bill turned around and saw Larry, Spike, and Granny covered in paper cuts.
Before anyone could say anything else, the rednecks were waking up in Twilight’s bedroom.
Twilight groaned. “What happened?”
“Luna did it,” Bill answered. “Apparently, she has issues from a thousand years ago, but with a little tough love, she saw the light and, uh, I guess she ate the Tantibus.”
Both Twilight and Spike looked at Engvall skeptically.
“It’s true. Saw and heard the whole thing,” Jeff said coming to his friend’s aid.
“Hey, where’s Larry?” Spike asked.
Everyone looked around, and sure enough the Cable Guy was missing.
Moments later, they heard the jolly man coming up the stairs. The next thing the group knew, Larry was kicking open the door, bottles in hand yelling, “We won guys! Let’s introduce the ladies and children to Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam!”
Immediately everyone shushed the redneck and pointed to Princess Luna who was sleeping soundly in the middle of the room.
Getting up from his bed, Jeff placed his blanket over the alicorn’s sleeping form.
“Let’s celebrate downstairs,” he whispered. “She’s had a long night.”
