Spike Can't Stop Making Puns

by PRlNCESS CADENCE

Rating: everyone
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2595

Once Spike gets on a roll, everyone in Ponyville gets a massive headache.

Spike the dragon is known for many things, but his wit is not one of them. He lives for the simple things like making ponies laugh, but for the love of Celestia! Can someone please shut him up?

Published 2016-02-17 05:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-17 05:30:01 UTC

Spike Can't Stop Making Puns

Sunshine poured into the library, filling the scenery with a bright luminescence. Birds chirped outside, weather ponies were removing clouds from the sky, and completely unaware of it all was a cozy dragon, still asleep in his tiny bed.

“Spiiiike!” Twilight called from downstairs. “Breakfast is ready!”

“Hnnuuuhhh…” Spike mumbled, trying to hold onto his dream before being pulled back into reality. “Five more minutes. I have to save the capital.”

“I guess I’m going to have to eat all these pancakes by myseeeeelf!” Twilight waited for the sound of Spike ruffling his way out of bed, but heard nothing. “And the gem syrup!”

“Huhwhat?” Spike said, launching his head out of the covers, still trying to open his eyes. “Twilight! You’d better not be eating breakfast without me!” Spike quickly made his way down the staircase to see Twilight waiting for him at the kitchen table with a stack full of pancakes on the table and a couple of oranges for her. “What’s with those?” Spike asked, pointing to the fruit.

“Oh, these? It’s just a new diet Rarity and I are trying. It’s supposed to help your metabolism kick in quicker, but I’m still not sure how the vitamins in oranges are supposed to do that. Mainly I’m just emotional support for Rarity.”

Spike chuckled. “Orange you glad it’s not a seaweed diet?” Twilight began giggling hysterically. “Or if you’d like some land plants delivered, you can always calliflower!” Twilight was practically falling off of her chair in her frantic laughter.

“Stop! Stop! I can’t take anymore!” Twilight could barely compose herself as she used her magic to place a stack of pancakes onto Spike’s plate. “Anyway, how did you sleep last night?”

Spike looked around the kitchen, trying to find a way to set up his next joke when suddenly, he found the perfect prop! He quickly ran to the open utinsel drawer, pulled out a cheese grater and replied, “I slept grate!”

Twilight's insesent laughter had died down into a few small chuckles, hoping Spike would get the memo and come eat his pancakes. Sure enough, hearing some more laughter out of the purple mare, he quickly took his seat with his head held high. As Twilight carved into her orange, Spike began carving pieces of his blueberry pancakes.

“Hey, could you pass the syrup?” Spike said, pointing to the syrup dispenser. With a bright smile, Twilight used her magic to pass the container over to her dragon assistant. “Thanks, Twi. You’re a gem.”

“Eheheheh,” the unicorn murmured. “Because it’s gem syrup… and I’m the gem.”

This was beginning to get ridiculous. Spike had been awake not even five minutes, yet he’d already made four puns! Maybe if she just kept quiet, Spike would forget all about it and go back to normal.

“Isn’t the weather nice out today?” Spike asked. Rather than answer him and fuel any material for his next joke, Twilight quickly shoved the entire orange in her mouth, which she hadn’t even finished peeling. “Uhhh… Twilight? I think you’re supposed to take off the skin first.”

“Hrrffmrrdhhr.”

“What’s that? I couldn’t hear you with that orange in your mouth. If you’ve got something to say, you may as well spit it out.”

Twilight felt her face burning in the annoyance of her normally soft-spoken dragon. Rather than lose her temper, though, she calmly swallowed the orange, turned to Spike and said, “You know what, Spike? I think Fluttershy was saying the other day how much she’d like to have you over.”

“That’s a great idea!” With one large bite, the dragon swallowed his entire stack of pancakes whole and wiped the remaining gem syrup off of his face. “I’ll catch you later Twilight! Thanks for breakfast!”

“Have fun at Fluttershy’s!”

“Oh, and by the way, Twilight,” Spike said as half off his body was out the door. “I adoor you.”

Then, as soon as the door was shut behind him and she knew Spike was out of earshot, Twilight collapsed with her head resting on the table as she groaned loudly. “That boy ain’t right.”

***

Knock, knock, knock!

Spike stood on Fluttershy’s doormat, rocking back and forth on his heels as he tried coming up with new source material. “Hey, Fluttershy. Ice to see you this morning. No… Oh, shy Flutterhi! No, that’s no good either.”

Suddenly, the door to the cottage opened up, revealing the timid yellow mare from behind who began smiling brightly. “Oh! Hello, Spike!” Fluttershy exclaimed quietly. “What brings you here?”

“Oh, just thought you might need a hand with those animals. Just doing my neighborly duty and helping out when I can.”

“My, that’s awfully nice of you! I guess I could use an extra pair of claws around the house.” Fluttershy turned around awkwardly, hoping Spike couldn’t see the furniture all knocked down from one of Angel’s earlier fits. “Why don’t you come out back? I think I know just where to get you started.”

Fluttershy quickly walked out the door and guided the dragon into her backyard, where all kinds of woodland critters were gathered around for breakfast. “Wow, I never knew you took care of so many animals, Fluttershy!”

“Oh, I wouldn't really call it taking care of them.” Fluttershy floated up to a flock of birds that all perched themselves onto her hooves and mane. “They just come by whenever they need a friend to talk to. Isn’t that right, Petunia?” One of the birds chirped a song in response.

“Cool! So where did you need me to get started first?”

“Well, I think Marco over there could use a fresh pail of water.” Fluttershy then gestured to a happy sealion, clapping his fins together and barking with glee.

“What’s that? Just one pail for a big guy like that? That’s the sealiest thing I’ve ever heard!”

“Umm, he’s a sealion,” Fluttershy mumbled as she came back down to the ground, unsure as to whether or not Spike was making fun of her. “I guess if he’s thirsty we could give him a second pail.”

“Awww don’t worry, Fluttershy,” Spike continued, grabbing the pail and heading over to the water spout. “I’m just kitten around.”

“Umm… OK.” The yellow mare shot a quick, quizzical look to her rabbit friend, but Angel shrugged in as much confusion as Fluttershy was in. “Oh, and can you give Henry some new water too?” The pegasus then pointed to a frog lounging in a cup filled with water. “He doesn't drink much. It’s mainly just to make sure he has something clean to swim in.”

“Do you name all your animals? That’s actually quite ribbiting.”

“Yes? Maybe? I…” Fluttershy began to shrink and back away, but Angel gave her a firm kick to the leg to get her attention. She then looked down at the rabbit, who was tapping his foot angrily on the ground and pointing to the road. “Oh! Actually, Spike, I think I can handle things from here. I’m sure Rarity could use some help, though.”

“Rarity?” Spike dropped what he was doing and made a swift turn towards the exit. “Thanks for letting me help out, Fluttershy! Let me know if things get impawssible to handle out here.”

Fluttershy wore the biggest smile she could muster as she waved the dragon out of her backyard, and as soon as she knew Spike was gone, she collapsed onto the floor next to her rabbit. “You wouldn't want to help me out a little, would you?” Angel responded by jumping into Marco’s water pail like it was a hot tub. “I didn’t think so…”

***

“Ugh. Is this really necessary?”

Rainbow Dash grimaced as Rarity placed a frilly white hat on her head.

“Necessary? Is anything in life really necessary?”

“Kinda.”

“Oh! I think I know just the one!” Rarity scavaged through the pile of hats lying on the floor beside her before picking out the perfect powder blue sun hat. “Et voilà! Oh, Rainbow Dash! You should see how gorgeous it looks on you!”

“That’s great. Why am I doing this again?”

“Because the spring is coming, and I need to find a way to block out the sun while still staying one step ahead of the upcoming trends.”

“Riiiiight. Uhh… Is there a reason why I’m the one trying out your hats?”

“Well, you don’t expect me to get a proper opinion by trying them on myself do you?”

“...I don’t?”

Knock, knock, knock!

“Oh!” Rarity exclaimed. “That must be Pinkie Pie stopping by with the refreshments for our picnic this afternoon!” With a newfound pep in her step, the white mare pranced her way to the door, but when she opened the door, instead of a party pony out front she saw a small purple dragon. “Spike? What are you doing here?”

“Just stopping by to see if you needed some help with picnic preparations,” the dragon responded with a smile. “How’s about I lend you a claw?”

“Well, I don’t see why not. Come right in.”

As soon as Spike made it to the main room of the boutique, however, he began laughing at the sight of Rainbow Dash wearing an exuberantly feminine sun hat. “Wow, Rainbow Dash! That hat's really captivating.”

Rainbow Dash glumped irritatedly in her spot. “I’m taking this off,” she said, throwing the hat back into the pile.

“What’s all this about?” Spike asked, gawking at the sea of head accessories.

“Rainbow Dash here is helping me try out the newest line of season fashion,” Rarity replied with a smile. “I was thinking about bringing one of them to the picnic, actually.”

“You sure this isn’t overkill? It seems like a hatastrophe to me.”

Rainbow Dash and Rarity looked at each other in confusion. “Like a what now?” the pegasus blurted.

“Oh, nothing. Say, are these all spring hats?”

Rarity cocked an eyebrow, a little impressed to see him notice. “Yes, they are, actually.”

Spike laughed loudly. “I didn’t know we were doing winter cap up already!”

Rarity groaned internally as Rainbow Dash collapsed onto the floor. “This is how I’m going to die,” the pegasus spoke bleakly. “Surrounded by hats.”

“Errrr perhaps we should move along to preparing for today’s festivities,” the white mare said, levitating Rainbow Dash to her hooves against her will. “Spike, would you be a dear and look for a blanket while we put these away?”

“No problem!” Spike had been to Carousel Boutique enough times to where he knew where just about everything was, but as soon as he opened up the linen closet, he saw dozens of different blankets stacked on top of each other. “Hey, Rarity? Was there a color or fabric you had in mind? I’m drawing a blanket here.”

Rarity and Rainbow Dash shared uncomfortable grimaces, trying to think of something to say without leading him up to another terrible joke. “Erm, any kind is fine, darling.”

“Really?” Spike asked, pulling down the top blanket from the shelf. “I woulda guessed you’d have one especially picked out.”

“Yes, well, we’re running rather low on preparation time as it were.”

“Huh. Never took you as one to fold under pressure.”

“Uggghhh!” Rainbow Dash groaned loudly. “Can somepony just chop my ears off already?”

Rarity quickly stepped in front of Rainbow Dash before she said something she’d regret later. “What I think Rainbow Dash is trying to say, dear, is that maybe you could slow down on the puns for a bit?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Spike shrugged. “There’s not much around here to work with anyway. Sorry if that kinda comes off as a blanket statement.”

Rarity kept Rainbow Dash from making an outburst long enough for them to finish up cleaning, hoping that maybe once they arrived at the picnic, Twilight would be able to take care of him from there. The way there, though, would be excruciating. Any time Spike tried to start up a conversation, he would be met with an awkward silence. The two mares really didn't want to be rude, but they knew if they led him into another terrible joke, they wouldn't be held accountable for their own actions.

“Hi, girls! Hi, Spike!” a pink earth pony said bouncing up and down once they get to the rendezvous point. “Sorry I didn’t come by with the drinks earlier. I was gonna bring punch, but then I remembered how much Rarity likes lemonade. Then I thought I should bring everypony something, but I didn’t want us to feel separated by drinking different drinks! So instead I--”

Rainbow Dash put her hoof to Pinkie Pie’s mouth, afraid that if she talked any faster she might accidentally create a sonic rainboom. “I’m sure whatever you brought is fine.”

Fortunately for them, all the other girls had already arrived, and as soon as Twilight saw the looks on Rarity and Rainbow Dash’s faces, she quickly approached them, talking as discreetly as she could. “How was he?”

“He’s been somewhat of a handful,” Rarity whispered, “but nothing we couldn’t handle.”

“He’s still doing it, isn’t he?” Rarity’s silence told her everything. “OK. I’ll be sure to have a talk with him if he tries bringing it up again during the picnic.” The minute she turned her head, though, she saw Spike turning to Applejack and making conversation. “Oh, dear.”

“Hey, Applejack!” Spike exclaimed. “What’d you bring for the picnic?”

“Oh, jus’ some stuff from the orchard,” the orange pony replied proudly. “Picked ‘em mahself this mornin’.”

“You know something? I’ve never seen you with any vegetables before. It’s like you don’t carrot all.”

“Well… I…”

“Spike,” Twilight said firmly. “Can I speak to you for a minute?”

“Hey, Pinkie Pie!” Spike didn't even bother looking in Twilight’s direction as he moved onto his next victim. “I heard you brought some punch. Why don’t you hit me up with some?”

“Actually,” Pinkie began, “what I brought is kind of a mixture of punch, lemonade, apple juice, chocolate milk, regular milk--”

“Spike!” Twilight’s voice was beginning to grow angrier. “I said I wanted to talk to--”

“Wow! This stuff sounds strong. I bet it really packs a punch.”

“SPIKE!!!” Everypony looked up to see Rainbow Dash glaring angrily at the baby dragon. “I swear, if I hear one more pun come out of your mouth, I think I’m going to explode!”

Everypony sat in silence for several moments, waiting to see what would happen. After taking a few moments to lull it over, however, he looked Rainbow Dash in the eye and said. “Jeeze. No need to blow up at me about it.”

“Deliveryyyyyy!” Their eyes all suddenly turned to see a gray delivery mare with crooked eyes descending from the sky. As soon as she touched base with the ground, she turned in Twilight’s direction and said, “I have a delivery for a Miss Pinkie Pie.”

“Oh! That must be the epipens!” Suddenly, everypony’s eyes focused on Pinkie, who shrugged in return. “What? It’s in case the punch is too strong.”

“Boy, let me tell you,” Spike said walking up to the delivery mare. “You just saved me from a punishment right there.”

“Oh, really?” the bubbly mailmare said with a giggle. “Glad I could help, but I’ve really gotta get to my next delivery. I’d better not drag-on any further. See ya around, Spike!”

Spike, however, just looked on as the mailmare soared away. After several long moments of silence, he finally turned to the other girls and said, “Sheesh. That girl needs some new material.”