“What?!” Hoops screamed at his alarm clock. “Must have gotten drunk. I can’t remember a thing after… After I drank that beer.” Hoops rubbed his head; his mouth tasted like death. A dull ache was forming in his head. Hoops spoke as if someone was there, but no pony was there. The house creaked and rattled. “Why did Dumbbell have to buy this stupid house for four when it’s just me?” Hoops thought. His friend Dumbbell was rich beyond belief, every day rubbing in Hoops's face that he had gotten his dream job, whereas Hoops had secured himself a low-paying job as a waiter. One day, Dumbbell got married, love at first sight; the wife was Photo Finish, the richest photographer in the world. Hoops could barely afford to even attend their wedding.
That was three years ago. Here, Hoops was 27 and still single. Then there was Rainbow Dash. She had become the best flier in Equestria, a Wonderbolt, an element of harmony: you name it; she'd done it. She would come over to Hoops's house almost every day just to mock him about something new she had accomplished which he had failed to achieve. Hoops's life had gone downhill when he failed the entrance test for the hoofball team. Dumbbell won his place, and his old friend turned on him.
“Mail? Hmm, don’t get that much.” Hoops mumbled to himself. While washing his window he noticed the mail pony had come. Usually he doesn’t get mail unless it’s a bill, and those are only once a month. The sun was at its apex. He had been awake for two hours yet still had not done much, only cleaned his kitchen from what looked like a party: beer and food everywhere. Hoops started walking down the stairs to find his hoof-eye coordination was terrible, but a stroke of luck allowed him to make it down the stairs in one piece. Hoops opened his front door, the sun burning his eyes. He felt like a vampire pony that had just emerged from its coffin. It took a couple minutes for his eyes to adjust to the bright light. When Hoops had finally adjusted, he trotted over to his cloud mailbox. There were a few coupons and some junk mail, mostly worthless paper advertisements he got sometimes when the company needed money. But there was something different this time: a letter on firm paper with lavish postmarks. Hoops turned it over and was surprised to find that such a decent-looking object was indeed for him. He immediately opened it. It read:
Dear Mr. Hoops,
We have noticed that you are alone without anyone to love. You get teased and such. We have been watching you wherever you have gone for the last year, and you have been selected to go on an exclusive week-long cruise spanning all the islands in the Neighcific ocean! Now, "What does this have to do with being alone?" you might be thinking. Well, we take lonely ponies and any other species that are alone in life, take another pony in your case, and ship you two! It’s a secret, but the process is that we put you two in a room together and you must live together. If you two get any farther away from each other than the length of the ship, you will be shocked! By the time the cruise is over, you two will simply have to adore each other! Now, who will be your future love? We have chosen some pony who has it slightly better off than you so it balances out. We have chosen: Rainbow Dash!
See you in a couple minutes!
Shipping Ship Co.
P.S. When you're ready to leave, click the button on the back of this letter!
P.P.S If you don’t come, we will hunt you down.
P.P.P.S. You don’t need to bring anything.
Hoops clenched his head. “No… NO! This must be a goddamn dream!” The name “Rainbow Dash” ran through Hoops's head. The pony who humiliated him was going to spend quality time with him for a week. He looked about frantically but realized there'd be no escape: he couldn’t bail because then he would be hunted down. “At least I don't need anything, and I won't be alone anymore…No, it’s Dash, dammit! Why not some pony else?!” Hoops thought, angrily chucking the letter to the ground, where it landed precisely on the button. “Dammit no! No! No!” Hoops screamed as he suddenly was enveloped in field of magic. When he emerged, he found himself in front the ship. “The S.S. Shipping… Great name.” Hoops mumbled to himself. There was a long line ahead of him for registration.
Twenty sobering minutes later, Hoops had made it to the front of the line. A pony with a disconcertingly cheery grimace locked eyes with him; she looked like she had been one of the ponies from the equal town that Twilight told everyone about.
“Oh! Hello there! Would you please state your name?” The happy pony began.
“My name is Hoops…” Hoops scowled and dipped his head, forcing a frown from the mare.
“Someone doesn’t want to be shipped, does he?" she asked with sardonic laughter in her voice as she scanned her clipboard before resuming her creepy smile. "Well, anyways your partner is already on the ship. Probably in the room you two are sharing!” The pony smiled wider as she looked at him again.
“Thanks…” Hoops reluctantly put a spare bit in the tip jar and walked up the bridge to the boat. The bridge was small and seemed to be metal. It creaked and groaned every time Hoops took a step. On one side, it didn’t sway at all, but the other seemed to rock with the ship. Eventually, Hoops resolved to simply fly over it, annoyed. However, Hoops found himself wobbling with the ship again as he landed on the deck. He took to the air again but found that it made him sicker just to see the ship sway from the air, and he realized that he was not good with swaying things. As the letter had indicated, there were all different kinds of species there: ponies, animals, griffons, and even a couple sea ponies enabling themselves to breathe with magic, and that was just to name a few, for the boat was huge, and Hoops could not stay in the air long enough to take full inventory of those on deck. Hoops glanced at the room key he had collected from the smiling mare: the room was 185 on the main deck. Hoops felt himself inexplicably being gravitated to it, but he fought the urge. He was not talking to Dash. However, a voice in his head exhorted him to go there. It promised him he'd find a prize there if he simply checked out the room. Hoops made his way about the crowd, trying to focus on the little conversations going on among the passengers around him to avoid fixating on the voice in his brain. But eventually, the voice started giving Hoops a headache, chiding him, so he gave into it. Then he realized: it seemed like everything there had some sort of voice speaking to them, too, because everyone was either walking into rooms or struggling to cover their ears. When he had begun to approach the room, the voice ceased.
He didn't realize it, but it had taken a long time for Hoops to find the right room. However, now that he had, he regretted having resisted. It was a grand sight. The room was a two-floor suite. On the first floor he found a kitchen, a sofa, a TV, and a bathroom. Hoops was about to ascend the stairs when suddenly he heard something upstairs also approaching the stairs.
“Shit, it’s Dash!” Hoops thought to himself, frantically searching for a place to hide. The stairs happened to be situated just by the door to the deck, so he didn't have that option. Couldn't believe how stupid a hiding spot it was, but it was the best he had. He jumped into the pantry and shut the sliding door. "At least there are a bunch of snacks in here," he thought as he heard hooves beat down the stairs. The door to the room opened and then quickly closed, and Hoops began to shiver as the hoof beats suddenly steered around and headed in the direction of the pantry. They stopped in front the door.
“Just for the record, the pantry door squeaks.” Dash chuckled slightly, opening the door.
“Great I'm stuck with Ms. Bragsalot.” Hoops rolled his eyes.
The persuasive voice rang again in his head. "Kiss her!" it screamed.
