My story doesn't begin in Equestria. My journey starts in a land called Pokyo. Pokyo was a migrated country ruled by dragons for decades. The fate of this land was shifted with the introduction of samurai and would change further when ninja's starting popping up. Even after the inhabitants still worked incredible hard. Over the early years traditions seemed to become the stable of Poyko. One of the most important values was having honor. Even when Pokyo entered into the modern age honor was still regarded as the most important value to have. Another tradition among ponies was to obtain a similar cutie mark as one's parents.
I am an earth pony named Kawaii Critic. When I was a colt I had an honor most others would dream of in meeting the dragon emperor. My father's matchmaking cutie mark allowed him the good graces to help the emperor find a worthy royal dragoness. My father allowed me to come along so that I might obtain a similar cutie mark. We walked over this this nice red carpet. I looked up in amazement seeing giant chandeliers evenly spaced out on the ceiling. We stopped at the edge of a long set of stairs. I looked up seeing the long green and white dragon his expression seemed be stern. He was looking right at me. My father bowed first and I did so as well. After that my father spoke on mostly about potential candidates while I was briefly introduced. I was surprised by the emperor's humble nature.
After our discussion my father and I returned home. He was expecting me to get my mark in the next two meetings. After my other studies and a quick meal he allowed me to go outside. I walked outside to a sidewalk and stopped in my tracks. On the other side there was green colt standing there looking at me. I was a bit nervous being the first younger pony I would get to talk to. I took a deep breathe.
I tilted my head slightly and spoke, "Konichiwa."
The green colt seemed to jerk his head back a bit. His wild white mane swayed just a bit as he asked, "What?"
I was a bit surprised for my first pony encounter to be with one that spoke english.
First I tilted my head down just a bit to single an apology then I spoke, "Hello."
The colt's face seemed to change into this smug demeanor as he bluntly pointed out, "You're a blank flank."
I took a moment to look at my brown flank and I sighed, "It's fine. I'm not in a rush for that."
The colt questioned, "So what's you're name blank flank?"
I properly introduced, "I'm Kawaii Critic. But you can just call me Kawaii."
The green colt gawked back once more, "Yuck. Even I know Kawaii means cute. That's a stupid name."
I smirked and decided to tease him back, "Ok, hulk, What's you're name then?"
The green colt posed firmly as he introduced himself, "I'm Rice Bun."
I laughed, "Ha, good enough to eat."
Rice Bun walked over and asked, "Hey want be friends?"
I nonchalantly nodded, "Sure."
I spent any free time I had with Rice Bun. This was around the time when video games were distracting us. It only took short while before we were playing more games them for spending time with my father for my mark. The world's within the games became our teachers molding us. When it snowed for the first time I saved up some bits and bought blue jeans and a grey hood. We started to get in a lot more trouble around this time. The streets felt a lot closer to home. We learned about slang and how to hustle from these slick stallions. We were making money conning Ponies and Stallions out of their bits pretending to be homeless and starving.
During the spring my father got hold of me. He told me about an upcoming Samurai festival. This was the first and last time I would wear more traditional attire. My father grabbed my hair and wrapped it with two little strands on the other side spiking out. He also cut my tail to have one thick curled line left of black hair. I was set to prepare a Haiku in front of a large crowd. It was also a competition. I spent what time I had inside focused and determined. Of course my father wouldn't be allowed to help me. This event caused me to become a bit more reclusive.
I performed and won third place. It was one of the highest honors I would ever achieve. For the first time I felt like I was getting my life together. It didn't take long after to see Rice Bun and for that shine to soon be overlooked. I could see it when I returned home that my father wanted me to do better. He didn't have to say words nor did he. The moment I saw the emperor for the second time I felt a little sick of it. The uniform, the clear sense of over politeness. I wanted nothing to do with this. I didn't care to explain my feelings. Instead I met up with Rice Bun returning to my jeans and hood.
He asked, "What's been going on bro?"
I replied, "I want to pull a prank on my dad. So since he technically hasn't met you yet, I figured I'd invite you in my place and once my dad returns, I'll kiss you."
Rice Bun backed up, "Whoa, Why would you wanna do that?"
I winked at him and replied, "It's obvious, it's se he thinks we're in love for hearts and hooves day. After all he's big on the love thing."
Rice Bun came up and shook me and asked, "You know you're asking me to kiss another colt right?"
I explained, "Relax, it's just a short playful kiss, completely harmless."
Rice Bun quickly answered," Fine!"
So Rice Bun and I were waiting for my father to return. My father entered into the house. As soon as he saw use I turned to Rice Bun and kissed him right on the muzzle. I saw Rice Bun blushing for a moment then glance to see my father storm outside. I was a bit still in the moment. Rice Bun seemed so nervous as he started to walk out without saying anything else. I had no idea this would be the last time I would see Rice Bun. In a few moments a stallion came by and told me I was disowned and brought shame to the Kawaii family name. I was put out to the streets I had started becoming familiar with. I went back to the stallions that taught me about hustling. I learned a bit about martial arts and even learned a little spanish.
When I wondered the slums of Pokyo I came across a spray painted mantra that would change my life forever.
I read, "Lie to get a job. Cheat at video games you've beaten and steal that very special ponies heart away."
After that I turned to see a young pink filly that was also in the streets. My heart was racing. I was already mesmerized hopelessly falling in love. It was in that moment where it felt like everything I learned vanished. I couldn't find any words. I didn't feel worthy of them anyway. So I left and found a place to seclude myself. I would see her from time to time in the distance but never gained the courage to ask her out. Before I knew it she would move on as well. I started to do Capoeira for more bits. When I wasn't working I was writing. I had heard about Equestria which became my goal.
Even when rained I was deep in the slums. That mysterious filly became a part of a story I was putting together. As soon as I had enough bits I took a boat and got a ride over Equestria. I knew this was my chance to start anew. However I could not escape my obsession. Writing consumed me to the point of thinking I was going to get my cutie mark. As I aged I found and bought bigger jeans and a bigger hood. I as so used to this look and warmth at that point. I found a place to call my home. While I was here I branched out only a bit trying my hooves at singing. I went to go further my education. I was Stallion introduced me to Metal. Metal became the music I listened to while I wrote. Everything I was doing seemed to become so interconnected. I found myself mingling with more mares which brought out more of the feminine charm.
Even with all that my obsession was only getting worse. It got to the point where a teacher even called me out.
One of them said, "You need to stop writing and join us."
This one thing shut me down so bad that I started to seclude myself again. My story was turning into a novel based on new superheroes. I guess I felt I needed one in my life at this point. All I wanted was to finish but all I ever heard was stop or you won't succeed. It became less about finishing the story and more about wanting to prove a point. I was so drawn in that I was neglecting to edit. It was always about moving forward. At the time I could only see the good of this story and why I felt it needed to exists. Looking back I would say I barely got by and things would only get worse when college came around.
That is to say not all of it was bad. I took on acting. I was able to share a talent I had before and expand on it. Those colt tricks were just the tip of the iceberg. There were also courses that were a nightmare to be a part of. Overall I still was more reclusive because I knew I wouldn't be seeing any of the ponies or stallions in the future. By this point I had fully rewritten my novel hating everything that I wrote in highschool making it my third rework. This time around I took a creative writing class. I was so anxious that I had to go first and share my idea. Then it happened again.
One young stallion said, "You'll never see your book published and on the shelves."
Those words stuck with me even when I returned home. I could never see the rage because I had bottled it up.
It didn't help that an advisor said, "You will never publish a book"
That was the last straw. It was expensive but I still had money left over. So I went forward and got my book published. This was the best and worst moment all at the same time. It took me a while to notice the mistakes and to see my book end up getting no attention anywhere. This was my biggest failure. I was like a ghost trying to reach out to the world around me but no one gave me a chance.
I spent so much of my life over this one thing. I cried myself to sleep as I fell into a minor depressed state. I hated myself and my actions and I would wish I could go back. Even in the dark days that followed I still tried to find optimism through music and other means. I came across Youtube so I started a little late but I reviewed games, movies and shows. Just to be safe I created other personas using that acting to my knowledge. I even got my cutie mark but I didn't celebrate because there was no one else to celebrate with face to face. I was even a bit ashamed. I kept trying to reach out day by day but that writing urge has returned. Not every day is dark but I still have many fears I had all those years ago. My story isn't over yet and that is what fills me with both fear and determination.
