"WHADDUP?! IT'S DASHIE!!! And welcome to My Little Pony, Friendship Is Magic! What the fuck??!!"
"Okay ya'll so your boy has a story for why he's playing this shit. So I woke up this morning, got some breakfast, cleaned up, got ready for the day. The usual. But when I heard a knock on the door and went to answer, nobody was there except for a cardboard box. I'm like "What the fuck? It's not my birthday yet.""
"So I open the shit, and it turns out somebody sent me a copy of a My Little Pony Virtual Reality game. What the FUCK? Is somebody playing a joke on me? Is somebody sending a message? Who the fuck do they think I am?! I'm not into this pony shit! YO BOY NOT!"
"But I figured you know what, let's give this shit a try, because your boy ain't one to back down from a challenge."
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO-"
Dashie started rocking back and forth and shaking his head like a crazy person for a few seconds.
"LET'S DO THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!"
After Dashie hooked up the VR system, the game started up.
"Okay ya'll here we go."
Pitch white, then, Dashie found himself in an open grassy field.
"Alright we're here. Damn, this place is actually kind of pretty. What are my controls?" He moved around a little. "Okay." He jumped. "Aight, good so far." He punched the air. "HOLD UP, I can punch motherfuckers in this game? Nice! Wait a minute." He punched again, and saw that instead of a hand, he had a hoof.
"What the fuck?" Dashie saw that there was a pond nearby, so he went over to it and looked at his reflection. He was now an Earth Pony stallion with a light brown coat and short black mane. His cutie mark was an orange video game controller. He was still wearing his beanie. "I'M A FUCKING PONY?!"
He quickly got over it. "Alright whatever, this is my little fucking pony after all. Do I have an inventory or something?" A little menu popped up. "Okay so I got my beanie and a map. Great. Can we see where I am?" The map opened. "Okay so down to the south of your boy is the Everfree Forest, and to the north up ahead is someplace called Ponyville." Dashie scrunched his face up. "Ponyville. The fuck kind of ridiculous-ass name is that? Could these motherfuckers really not come up with a more creative name?"
Dashie saw a little something off to the side on the map. It was close to where he was. "What's that?" He turned his head to see a cutesy little cottage not too far off. "Let's go check that out I'm curious." Dashie went over to the cottage. There were birds and annoying bugs everywhere.
Dashie knocked on the front door. "Hello? Anyone at home?" He felt something hit him on his back ankle, so he turned around and looked down. Before him was a white rabbit. "What the? A bunny?"
The rabbit was glaring up at him. Its arms were crossed and it was tapping its foot in an annoyed manner. "Uh, mah boy, I don't like that look you're giving me."
The rabbit kicked Dashie and blew a raspberry at him.
"What the?! Motherfucker!" Dashie kicked the rabbit like a football, sending it flying. "BOP, bitch! That's what yo bitch-ass get!"
"ANGEL! NO!" Fluttershy came running out of her house. She passed Dashie and knelt before Angel's crippled and bleeding body. She broke down crying.
Dashie blinked. "Uh, I think that was her pet. Did I fuck up? Hey baby girl you alright?"
"Why would you do such an awful thing?!" Fluttershy demanded.
"Because he was an asshole and had it coming."
Fluttershy gave Dashie The Stare. "Say you're sorry you big dumb meanie!"
Dashie wasn't impressed. "This bitch is talking about some 'say you're sorry' bullshit. Bitch, I just saved you a lot of trouble by killing that bunny bitch!"
Fluttershy ran off crying to Ponyville. Dashie chased after her. "Oh shit she's gonna tell on me! Baby girl wait up!" Fluttershy was long gone, leaving a huffing and puffing Dashie behind.
"Fine! Go tell everyone about me! See if I care! Stupid bitch."
On his way to Ponyville Dashie passed by the local school. "What's this a school? Ya'll know I don't fuck with math."
He saw two fillies bullying three other fillies. "Ha ha! Blank flank! Blank flank!"
"Now that's fucked up," Dashie said. He approached them. "Hey kids, bullying is not okay."
"Go mind your own business fatty!" Diamond Tiara said with a sneer.
Dashie physically recoiled. "WHAT?! Did this little bitch just call me fat?!"
"And what kind of Cutie Mark is that? It looks stupid," Diamond Tiara continued, digging herself deeper. "And what's that dumb hat you're wearing? It's super ugly, just like your face."
Almost too calmly, Dashie smiled and started shaking his head. "Oh ho ho, that's it. You dun fucked up. Oh little biiiiiitch~" Dashie suddenly delivered an uppercut to Diamond Tiara's face, sending her flying through the air. "BOP, bitch! That's what yo bitch-ass get!"
Silver Spoon ran off screaming and the CMC cheered. "Thanks mister! You sure showed her," Apple Bloom said.
Dashie smiled and nodded. "Anytime kids. Stay in school and don't do drugs."
Dashie left. Not ten seconds later Cheerilee exited the schoolhouse. "What the hell?!"
Dashie was now in Ponyville proper. "Aight ya'll we're here in Ponyville. Man, this place is really colorful." He looked around. "So, what am I supposed to do now? Is there something I have to do? Is there even a plot to this?"
"Hold it right there!"
Dashie turned to see the Mane Six glaring at him. "Oooooh shit! It's going down!"
Rainbow Dash got all up in Dashie's face. "Listen here punk! Do you know who you're messing with?!"
"No, I don't know who you are and I don't really give a fuck."
"I'm Rainbow Dash! Fastest flier in Equestria!"
"Bitch please, I'm Dashie!"
"There can be only one Dash!" Rainbow Dash punched Dashie in the face.
"Oh! It's on now bitch!" Dashie punched Rainbow Dash in the face, knocking her down. "Bop, bitch!"
"Yer gonna pay!" Applejack yelled, rushing forward.
"Oh you want some too? Well guess what!" Dashie punched Applejack in the face. "Bop, bitch!"
Rarity gave Dashie a karate kick to the face. "Take that you ruffian!"
"Oh hey come on baby girls do we really have to fight? I'm sure we could smooth all of this over if you give me some of that," Dashie tried and failed to give them a seductive look, "Puh."
Rarity's face contorted with disgust. "You uncouth BRUTE!" She tried to hit Dashie again but he dodged and knocked her down.
"Bop, bitch!"
Pinkie Pie hopped forward. "You're funny!"
Dashie pretended to look humble. "Heh, well, not to toot my own horn, but I've got over two million subscribers."
"Wow! That's impressive!"
"Really? So you gonna give me the puh?"
"No fuck you." Pinkie turned around and bounced back to the group.
Dashie dropped his jaw. "WHAT?!"
"Formation girls!" Twilight exclaimed. "We have to use the Elements of Harmony against him!"
"Aw hell naw!" Dashie ran off, the six ponies chasing after him.
Dashie rounded a corner and hid behind a random dumpster. The ponies passed by. "Oh shit ya'll, we gotta sneaky sneak."
"Psst!"
Dashie turned around to see a small dragon with purple and green scales waving at him from behind a corner. "Psst! Mah boy! Over here!"
Dashie went over to him. "Who are you supposed to be?"
"The name's Spike. I'm part of an underground rebellion fighting against the evil pony empire."
"Oh! So that's what this game's about!"
"Uh, yeah. Look, we're low on fighters, and you're being chased by the bad guys. Why not join up with us?"
"Sure thing little dragon dude."
"Cool! Just follow me to our secret base." With that Spike ran off.
Dashie followed him. "Hey ya'll, I guess you could say I'm chasing the purple dragon. Ha! Get it? Because he's purple? I'll stop."
Spike led Dashie to the library. "Our secret base is under this building."
Dashie warily looked at the tree-building. "A library? Ya'll know I don't fuck with books. Whenever I go anywhere near a book, something bad happens to me. Just watch."
Dashie entered the library. Spike closed the door behind him. "So uh, is there like a hidden trap door for your secret base? Where is it?"
"Right here."
KER-THWACK
Dashie hit the floor and he lost consciousness.
Meanwhile in the real world.
"Oh shit! What the fuck? I just got knocked the fuck out! Did Spike just betray me? Damn son!"
Dashie paused and saved the game.
"Aight ya'll I'm gonna end the gameplay right here! So, that was My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic. This shit was surprisingly dope, so I might do another video later. I love you guys, Imma see ya'll tomorrow! Holla at ya boy!"
Dashie started lapping his tongue for a solid ten seconds. "Is it weird yet?" More lapping.
"YEAH!!!"
Twilight beamed. "Good job Spike! You caught Dashie all by yourself!"
Spike gave a smile and patted the shovel that was next to him. "Yeah, I have my moments."
"The girls and I are taking Dashie to Canterlot for interrogation. Do you want to come along?"
"Sure thing Twilight! Let me just pack a bag and I'll meet you by the train."
"Okay, see you there."
As soon as Twilight closed the door Spike whipped out his phone and dialed a number. "Hey boss, I got him. I got Dashie. I'm taking him to Canterlot right now."
The voice on the other end said, "Good job mah boy! I'll be sending Donkey Kong over to give you some extra muscle until I can get there. But when I do get there Dashie's gonna be fucked! HA-YAYK!"
Author's Note
This is just a crack fic that will have a grand total of three chapters, nothing more.
Seriously though Dashie is my favorite Let's Player. I used to be an avid watcher of Markiplier, Pewdiepie and Two Best Friends, but after discovering Dashie they all just seem so... tame. But Dashie? He always gets a laugh out of me in every single one of his videos.
