Formula Fangirl

by ParodyAndDarkfall

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Twilight Sparkle, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 2638

Hilarity ensues when Twilight tries to develop a mathematical formula that defines a 'fangirl moment'.

When Rainbow Dash has a feeling inside her that she describes as a 'fangirl moment', Twilight takes it upon herself to develop a mathematical equation that will help her find out just what this feeling is supposed to be.
Epic artwork by Alyssa HartWick. Go check her out here!

Published 2016-02-24 20:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-26 19:41:41 UTC

The Question

Twilight never intended for this to happen. She had planned a nice, relaxing day free of any princess appointments. The only visitor she had scheduled was her friend Rainbow Dash, and as Princess of Friendship, Twilight had decided long ago that she would always make time for her friends.

This was the one time that Twilight wished she could've broken that oath.

It started out simply enough. There was a knock on the large, crystallized palace door. Twilight, knowing better than to answer it directly, decided that it would be better to open it from afar, utilizing her magic. As she had expected, Rainbow Dash flew at top speed into the palace. She crashed into a tall crystal pillar farther down the hall.

"Hello, Rainbow." Twilight called. "You wanted to see me?"

There was silence for a moment before Rainbow's head popped out from underneath the rubble. "Hey, Twi!" She shouted from across the room. "How are you today?"

Twilight chuckled softly as she said, "I'd be a lot better if you wouldn't break something every time you come to visit."

"Sorry," Rainbow cried. Then, she unexpectedly shot upward out of the rubble. Just as she was about to hit the ceiling, she did a nosedive for the floor. Just as she was about to hit the floor, she leveled herself so that she was flying right at Twilight.

Twilight barely had time to jump upwards as Rainbow shot like a cannon towards the door.

"Ooooohh." Twi winced as she looked onward at the rainbow-maned mare, whose pelt and hair were now ragged from the crash. "I'll start a bath for you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Thanks for the bath, Twi," Rainbow said.

"No problem, Rainbow," Twilight replied. She cut off the bathwater and allowed her friend to hop inside. "So, why'd you come here, anyway?"

"Oh, I just wanted to ask if you saw the new Daring Do movie yet." Rainbow had instantly perked at the question.

"Oh. Is that it?" Twilight was trying her best to hide her disappointment. "No, I haven't gotten around to it yet. Why, is it any good?"

"It's better than any good," Rainbow exclaimed. She shot into the air, sending water and soap flying everywhere. She quickly retreated back to the tub, leaving Twilight sopping wet and covered in suds. "Oops, my bad."

Twilight gave her a death glare, but then quickly made it vanish. "No problem. Nothing a heat spell won't fix." She cast a warm glare from her horn, and instantly, the water around her began to disappear, leaving her just as dry as before. "Please, continue your summary."

"It was incredible! They even managed to get A.K. Yearling herself to write the script AND play Daring. The effects were really good, too. I had a real fangirl moment just watching it, you know?"

That was it. The one sentence that would change the course of Twilight's life forever.

"No, I don't know," Twilight said. "What's a fangirl moment?" She had a look of pure confusion on her face.

"Oh, come on, Twi," Rainbow guffawed. "Surely you've felt one before."

"Maybe I have and I just don't know the name," Twilight thought hopefully to herself. "Describe it for me," she said aloud to Rainbow.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain. I've heard that it's different for everypony, but for me, it's something along the lines of this."

"Yes, go on." Twilight had teleported away to her lab and retrieved some scrolls and quills to document her findings. "I'm ready now."

Rainbow looked at Twilight in awe for a few moments before realizing who it was she was talking to. "Well, first, you get really excited about something, usually something that you see or hear."

"So, this emotion is perceptible to the senses," Twilight muttered. "That in itself is valuable intel. What happens next?"

"After that, you get so excited and worked up that you get kind of sick to your stomach. But it's a good kind of sick."

"And... you like feeling sick like this?" Now Twilight was especially confused.

"Like I said, it's hard to explain. Anyway, the feeling only lasts a few moments, but it's a very memorable event. I usually don't forget a single one of these moments for a few weeks."

Twilight was scribbling away. She suddenly stopped, looked Rainbow dead in the eye, and asked, "Why is it called a fangirl moment? Why not a fanboy? Are mares the only ponies effected by this emotion?"

"Huh," Rainbow said. "I... don't actually know. I doubt that boys don't ever feel it, but maybe mares just experience it more often?"

"Maybe..." Twilight said doubtfully. "But why? I have to run more tests."

"Tests? Twilight, I hope you aren't planning something crazy," Rainbow remarked nervously.

"Oh, this isn't crazy." Twilight pulled a thick book from underneath the tub.

"You keep a reference guide to the scientific method... in your bathroom?" Rainbow questioned.

"Of course," Twilight said. "Who doesn't?"

"Um, actually..." Rainbow didn't get the chance to finish.

"The first step in the scientific method is to Find a Question. My question is this: What Causes A Fangirl Moment?" Twilight said triumphantly. "I need to get started right away!"

She galloped out of the bathroom, leaving a confused Rainbow Dash alone in the bathtub.

The Research

As Twilight trotted away from the bathroom, she pulled out her Scientific Method book once more and started reading aloud. "Now that I have my question, I should start step 2 of the Scientific Method: Do Background Research. I already have a little from what Rainbow Dash told me, but I should probably check my books for more information." And with that, Twilight set course for the castle library.

After about 10 minutes of searching her library, Rainbow Dash stormed in and interrupted Twilight. "Ok, what are you doing?"

"Research," Twilight said simply. She didn't want petty questions interfering with her findings.

"Research on what? Twilight, you know that a fangirl moment doesn't qualify as a real emotion, right? I guarantee you won't find anything in any of your book-"

"Found something!" Twilight shouted. She levitated an ancient-looking book above her head in triumph.

"Seriously?" Rainbow was aghast.

"I think so. It's titled 'The Secret Emotion'," Twilight said enthusiastically.

Rainbow Dash's eyes widened suddenly. "Is the cover made of pony hide?"

"Looks like it," Twilight replied happily. "That means that this is a really old book. I wonder if it states the author." Twilight looked in the back of the book at the final page. Her eyes widened so that they were bigger than Rainbow's. "No way! It says that the author is Starswirl the Bearded! I thought he only wrote scrolls! Could this be a secret novel that he wrote? The title does imply this. But maybe he just titled it as such to make it seem intruiging-" Twilight stopped herself suddenly. "I felt it," she murmured.

"Felt what?" Rainbow thought she already knew what it was that Twilight felt, but she also felt the need to humor her friend.

"A fangirl moment! I think I just had one! It's exactly like you described it!" Twilight looked very excited. "But this doesn't mean that I can be through finding background research. While having field experience will be useful in my report, I can't just let the opportunity to cite this ancient, forgotten text go to waste." Twilight muttered this last part to herself.

Rainbow Dash, of course, groaned her disapproval. "Field experience? Report? Twilight, what exactly do you plan on doing with all this useless information?"

Twilight grunted. "I'll have you know that anything Starswirl the Bearded studied is not useless. This could be a breakthrough in science. Just think of how much knowledge is in this ancient text alone!"

"Fine. You can go have your dork-fest, but count me out of it. I don't want your egghead disease to rub off on me." With that, Rainbow Dash flew out of the room in a huff.

"Fine! I don't need your help reading this book! I can do it on my own!" Twilight screamed after her. Her only reply was the heavy bang of the palace door slamming shut.

Still angry at Rainbow, Twilight cracked open the ancient text and began to read. A few paragraphs in, she began taking notes.

"Yes, this does seem to describe the feeling Rainbow spoke of," Twilight muttered to herself after filling in a whole notebook full of research. "And there's even an unfinished research project that Starswirl himself designed. If I can just fill in these last few variables with solid facts, I'll officially be able to continue this ancient project." She glanced up away from the book and towards the ceiling. Light was filtering through a window, casting a dim glow over her. "I've been doing this for hours. I need a break," she realized. It was now well past noon, and she had been in the library studying since about an hour after breakfast.

She walked out of the library and into the dining hall, only to find that somepony had already laid out a spread of food for her. "Probably Spike," she thought to herself.As she ate the pre-prepared meal, thoughts about Starswirl's book flowed around inside her mind. She was very excited to get started on his project, but she knew that much preparation would be needed. She pulled out her Scientific Method guide once more and turned to the third step.

"Construct a Hypothesis," she read aloud. "This is an easy one. But it should probably wait until morning." Her meal finished, she trotted out of the dining hall and retired to her chambers for the night.

The Hypothesis

The following morning, Twilight woke up refreshed. "Time to start the day," she said to herself as she got out of bed. She walked out of her chambers and into the long, narrow corridor that led to her office. Once inside, she glanced at her schedule, which was hanging on the wall beside her desk. Upon seeing its contents, she gasped.

"My day was supposed to start an hour ago!" Twilight moaned. "And I'm not free again until supper! I'm not going to have time to continue the experiment today, after all!" She flopped down on the floor in dismay before coming to a startling realization.

"Wait, if my day was supposed to start a full hour ago, then maybe there's still time to call in sick! Ponies will be able to clarify that I was late for some of my meetings, which will prove my statement!" Twilight was astonished by her own deviousness, but she didn't have time to revel in her own twisted mind. She cast a voice modulating spell on herself before picking up the office phone that sat on her desk.

"Hello, Prinshesh Sheleshtia?" Twilight's spell made her voice sound super congested, which was what she needed for what she was about to do.

"Larry? I told you not to call this number anymore!" Celestia shouted into the phone. "I told you that we're through and I meant it!"

"Thish ishn't Larry, Prinshesh," Twilight replied. "Thish ish Twilight Shparkle."

"Oh." Twilight could practically feel Celestia blushing as she said this. "What's the matter, Twilight? You sound sick."

"I am shick, Prinshesh," Twilight groaned. "I don't think I can shome to work today."

"Oh, that's too bad. Don't worry, you get some rest, and I'll call all of your appointments and let them know what happened." Celestia sounded deeply concerned.

"Blesh you, Sheleshtia." Twilight said.

"You're the one that should probably be blessed, Twilight." Celestia said this last part with a giggle. "I have to run now, Twilight. I have quite a few calls to make now." And with that, the line went dead.

The moment Twilight heard the telltale beep, she cast the spell off of herself. "Now that that's out of the way..." she murmered to herself.

She made her way back to her bedroom, where she had all of her notes from the previous night. Just as she was about to begin forming her hypothesis, there was a very loud knock on the palace door.

Groaning, Twilight made her way toward the door. Upon opening it, she let out a scream.

"Surprise!" Pinkie screamed.

"Pinkie Pie! What are you doing here?" Twilight screamed.

"Princess Celestia told me that you called in sick today, so I thought I'd come and bring you some soup! It's SOUP flavor. Your favorite!" Pinkie beamed up at Twilight.

Quickly doing damage control, Twilight cast the voice spell on herself again and messed up her hair a little bit. "Oh, yesh, Pinkie," Twilight moaned. "Thanksh sho mush for she shoup."

"No problem," Pinkie said. As she began to walk away, the pink-haired pony suddenly leaped up into the air, screaming "WAAAAIT!"

"What?" Twilight said. She tried to cover up the fact that her heart had just leaped up her throat, but felt that she was failing.

"You don't have the strength to eat that soup by yourself! You need someone to feed you!"

"I shan feed myshelf, Pinkie," Twilight replied.

"I don't believe you!" With that, Pinkie leaped at Twilight and shoved the soup violently down her friend's throat. Most of the soup spilled out of Twilight's forced open mouth, but a few small droplets found their way through.

"All done!" Pinkie cried cheerfully.

Meanwhile, Twilight was on the floor gagging. She had always secretly hated Pinkie's infamous soup-flavored soup, but up until that point had managed to keep it a secret. She hadn't been prepared for a surprise soup tasting, especially not a forced one.

"Well, gotta bounce! Hope you get better, Twilight!" And with that, the neon mare began to hop into the distance.

"Phew," Twilight sighed. "She didn't notice."

Twilight quickly shut and bolted the castle doors. She didn't want anypony else to think that the castle was open to the public.

She teleported to her office, and, at long last, cracked open her notes.

"What's a good hypothesis?" Twilight wondered to herself. After thinking for a long moment, she finally came up with one.

"I hypothesize that upon completing Starswirl the Bearded's lost work, I will be able to fully comprehend the meaning behind a fangirl moment." As she spoke to herself, Twilight wrote the hypothesis down on the final page of her notes. After doing this, she levitated her Scientific Method guide up and opened it up to step 4.

"Test Your Hypothesis," Twilight read aloud from the book. "This one might be harder. But I'm up for the challenge." She put the book away and pulled out Starswirl's notes. "But first, I have to fill in these missing facts with data from my own notes." She began comparing the two sets of notes, until, at long last, she found the answer to the missing variable.

"4! Of course! The answer was so simple, I was too smart to see it!" She leaped up and began flying around in circles. "I can't believe that I can start working on Starswirl the Bearded's lost invention now!"

As she landed, her legs began to wobble. "Or, maybe..." she began to feel a little faint. Her stomach was hurting. She hadn't eaten or drank anything all day. "It can wait till morning." With this, she collapsed into an exhausted, hungry heap on the cold castle floor.

Author's Note

This is a good trick to use if you want to get out of work for the day.

:rainbowderp: Hello? Who's this?
:pinkiesick: It's me. I can't make it to work today. I've got a cold.
:rainbowhuh: Sorry to hear that. You just take it easy. (hangs up)
:pinkiehappy: Suddenly, I feel a lot better!

:pinkiegasp: Oh, boy! The pizza's here!