“See,” Applejack chided, “milk is good for you. It’s got all kinds of nutrients in it. Everypony from Manehattan to Saddle Arabia’s got the ability to digest lactose. What d’you think’s in mare’s milk?”
“Applejack, I ain’t talkin’ about facts-”
“You hush your mouth, Big Mac. You’re always takin’ your fancy mathematics and beatin’ me over the head with ‘em, and you can’t even accept the simple facts of life? What d’you got against milk?”
“I got nothin’ against milk, Applejack-”
“Then what? What’s wrong with what I’m doing? You know as well as I do that nursin’s better for babies than feedin’ ‘em otherwise. They get all defective if you don’t feed ‘em that way.”
“I know that, Applejack-”
“You don’t want Applebloom to end up defective, do you?”
“All I’m askin’ is for you to keep her from gettin’ defective in private, Applejack!”
Applejack looked around. It was market day, and downtown ponyville thrummed with activity. By an aged fountain, a red-faced stallion proudly hoisted a ripe tomato into the air; next to him, a tuft-maned colt bickered with a group of pegasi over the price of broccoli. Voices filled the air: fillies gossiping about the arrangement of a flower bouquet, mares griping peevishly about the rising cost of gemstones, squeaky-voiced foals begging for sweets.
In the middle of the hubbub, Applejack was sprawled out on a park bench. With hind legs spread, Applejack had guided an infant Applebloom’s mouth towards one of her pink, perky nipples.
Applejack’s face soured. “Nursin’ ain’t hardly a crime, Big Mac. It ain’t like anypony’s complained about it.”
“Only ‘cause they ain’t paid you notice, Applejack. As soon as somepony takes a gander-”
“-Then it’ll be their problem. They shouldn’t go around tellin’ nursing mothers what they can and can’t do, just ‘cause they ain’t got the ability to digest lactose no more.”
“I’m pretty sure they ain’t gonna be arguing with you outta jealousy, Applejack.”
“Then what? Are they gonna think it’s unnatural, or somethin’? From an evolutionary perspective, this is downright ad-van-ta-geous, Big Mac. You’d think us ponies would have the ability to digest lactose if it weren’t good for us?”
“You ain’t gotta tell me how evolution works, Applejack! I already know all that stuff!”
“Clearly, you don’t. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be arguin’ with me about it.”
“It’s a question of decency that I’m arguin’ about, Applejack.”
“You think decency’s worth more than strengthening bones and managing proper neurological function and blood clotting? You think indecency’s worse than osteoporosis and hypocalcemia?”
“Okay, time out.” Big Macintosh sighed, rubbed his eyes and pressed on. “How much readin’ did you do on this whole subject?”
“Basic biology, Big Mac.”
“You jes’ wanted to pick a fight with me. You learned all them facts just so you could use ‘em against me.”
“I’m just bein’ a good mother! There ain’t nothin’ bad about-”
Abruptly, Applejack winced. Big Macintosh turned back towards the crowd, looking for a judgmental set of eyes. Surprisingly, nopony was giving them so much as a glance.
“Don’t fret none, Big Mac. She’s just bein’ a bit of a biter, that’s all.”
“See? And that’s the other thing, Applejack. I don’t want you goin’ and gettin’ yourself hurt. Are you still gonna be doing this when she’s school-age? How long’s it gonna take before I have to worry about the health of my sister?”
“How long’s it gonna take before you start worryin’ about the health of your daughter?”
“Applejack, don’t argue with me. Please. I don’t want to be made out like some sort of villain.”
“Then let me do my thing!”
“Then don’t do it in the middle of town!”
“I can’t control when Applebloom gets hungry!”
“Can’t she wait for just five minutes? Just until you can duck into a bathroom real quick to do it?”
“What if she can’t wait for five minutes? I ain’t gonna have her die massively faster just ‘cause you want me to haul off somewhere before I feed her. Besides, bathrooms are filthy. I ain’t gonna expose her to all those germs if I can help it.”
“Lying on the middle of a public bench ain’t exactly sanitary, either!”
“At least it’s quicker. If she’s gonna live longer than the population as a whole, it’s gonna be ‘cause I was a good mother and I made sure she had a regulated diet. I’m gonna make sure that she gets the correct number of calories, I’m gonna feed her the healthiest, most nutritious food I’ve got, and I’m gonna be Health Conscious about the whole thing.”
“You really think floppin’ on your back and spreadin’ your legs at the drop of a hat’s gonna make things any better for us?”
“Why not? You were all keen on havin’ me flop on my back and spread my legs after mom n’ dad died. You didn’t have no problem with tryin’ to make babies back then, so why’ve you got a problem with keepin’ the one we got all healthy?”
“Please, Applejack, can we not talk about that in public?”
“I keep tellin’ you, there ain’t no way anypony’s gonna notice us-”
“Excuse me?”
Applejack and Big Macintosh looked up. Standing next to them was a unicorn neither of them recognized, with a disheveled white-and-purple mane and a concerned look on her face.
“I’m sorry to bother the two of you, but-”
“This ain’t no problem! We can move!” Big Macintosh sputtered, a look of absolute horror on his face. “We didn’t mean-”
Applejack glared at Big Macintosh and gently stroked Applebloom’s head. “Shush, Big Mac. Go right ahead, ma’am. What’s the bother?”
“Two plus two equals five, right?”
“...Huh?”, Big Macintosh replied.
“I’ve just been puzzling over this all day. Two and two make five, correct?”
“Um…”
“Yeah,” Applejack cut in. “Of course two and two make five. Anythin’ else?”
“Oh, not at all! I just wanted to be sure. Thank you!” The unicorn beamed, turned away from them and trotted back into the crowd, mumbling under her breath. “So that means five minus two equals two, two minus five equals negative two, negative two plus five equals two…”
Applejack and Big Macintosh stared at the mare as she disappeared into crowd. For several seconds, the two of them lapsed into stunned silence.
Finally, Applejack cleared her throat. “I guess she don’t recognize sarcasm when she hears it.”
“Nnnnope. I guess we finally agree on something.”
“Probably didn’t get enough vitamin B12 in her diet when she was young.”
“Oh lord, will you stop, already?”
“She probably don’t get enough soy or quinoa, either. Maybe she don’t get enough vitamin D, either. You figure she gets enough vitamin D?”
“I don’t care if she gets enough-”
“Not enough Iodine, maybe? Something made her go all plumb crazy.”
“You’re driving me plumb crazy.”
“I think you already went well off on the train to crazy town. You ain’t got no respect for your family at all. You ain’t got no respect for your daughter’s well-being, and you ain’t got no respect for my ears, what with you going and hollerin’ at me about all this dumb stuff. It’s always gotta be about you, ain’t it, Big Mac?”
“Why don’t you got any respect for anypony else here? Think of how embarrassed somepony’s gonna be when they look at how you’re acting in public!”
“Ponies get drunk in public. Ponies smoke tobacco in public. Both of those are legal, n’ both of those are bad for you. I’m doin’ something that’s good for somepony else, and it’s legal. I think I’m bein’ a right paragon of morality, Big Mac.”
“There ain’t nothin’ moral about showin’ off your privates in public-”
“Brazen lies and propaganda, Big Mac. It’s as natural as natural could be. You might as well be sayin’ that pornography’s bad, or somethin’.”
“At least I don’t go around lookin’ at pornography in public.”
“So you do look at-”
“I don’t look at anything! Don’t put words in my mouth!”
“Fine.”
“Fine.”
The two lapsed into silence. The crowd continued to throng around them, utterly oblivious to the Appleclan spectacle and completely unaware of the argument that had erupted between them.
Eventually, Applejack shifted her hips.
“I think she’s just about done.”
“That’s good, I guess.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“Hey, Applejack?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“I do wanna be a good father, you know that-”
“Yeah, I do. I ain’t ever really doubted that.”
“Not from day one?”
“Not from day one.”
Gently, Applejack began to disentangle Applebloom from her teat. “I don’t reckon I’d try to raise a baby if I didn’t think it’d have a good father. I don’t care what Granny Smith says, either: You’re the best father around. You’re the best father i could ever get.”
“Really?”
Applejack chuckled. “Eeyup.”
“Well - thank you, Applejack.”
“If you get osteoporosis and hypocalcemia, though? Don’t come cryin’ to me.”
“Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Applejack, are you still goin’ on about that?”
“Eeyup.”
Author's Note
There's a strong moral lesson to be learned, here:
Always drink your friggin' milk.
Seriously. It's really good for you.
