Star Horse: The Farce Awakens

by Drax99

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Random, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Nightmare Moon, Original Character
Length: 2518

A short time ago, in a bar not too far away...

A short time ago, in a bar not too far away...

Pain leads to hate, hate leads to drinking, drinking leads to waking up with somepony you would rather chew your own leg off to avoid waking. This is not that story, but it came awfully close.

This is a parody, laugh or laugh not. There is no cry.

Published 2016-02-23 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-23 04:00:01 UTC

Help me Poni-Wan, you're my only hope!

“Captain’s log, stardate one-five-sixteen, Captain Rainbow Dash speaking. We are nearing the end of our mission to deliver apples to the starving ponies of the New Appleloosan Combine of...”

“Uh, Sugarcube? Who are you talking to?” The orange pony interrupted the blue pegasus sitting in the flight captain’s chair, while continuing to work on a console built into the wall.

“Uhh, hello Applejack? It’s the ship’s flight recorder!” The rainbow-haired captain exclaimed.

“Oh. It’s broken.” The earth pony replied flatly, before turning back to her work, dismissing her colorful companion.

“Well what the hell have you been working on all day?” The blue mare shot back.

Without turning away from her work, Applejack intoned boredly, “The trans-digital freon converter.”

“And what’s that do?” Dash replied acidly.

“It makes ice cubes.”

“Wait, wait, wait. You mean to tell me, with all the crap that’s busted on this ship, you start with the bucking ICE MACHINE!?” Flying into a rage, the winged mare launched herself from the chair and into the face of the stoic repair pony.

“Looky here, Miss high an mighty. Ah am the ship’s chief engineer, and I decide what needs fixin’ round here!” She paused to adjust the stetson on her head before continuing. “Ah am a proud member of the Apple Family, and a warrior of the D’Quirian Clan. If we go into battle, I’ll be damned to Tartarus if Ah’ma do it sober.”

Grabbing the hat off her head, she slammed it onto the console next to her, then pointed a hoof at her adversary. “Now, seeing as somepony went an drank all the Martinian Firewater, Ah’ve had to make do wit makin’ Apple Daiquiris, and ya kain’t very well make a Daiquiri without ice! So sit your featherbrained plot back in your overstuffed chair and let me git back to work!”

“Wait, the rum is gone?” looking lost, the captain landed on the desk and plopped onto her backside. “Why is the rum gone?”

“The rum ain't gone, but it’s all we got left. Rum, ice, an’ apples. Or at least we had ice until this here contraption up and broke on us. I told ya to buy a new one, but noo! You had to waste our money on Hookers an Blow!” Grinding her teeth, the engineer glared at her forlorn friend. “And those two knuckleheads were so stupid, ain't even know their names. That’s why we fired them!”

“Aww, but Hookers was so cute, and Blow had that hot little jiggle when she walked...” Dash whined. Suddenly she looked up, and idea in mind. “What about the Vodkan Firewater?”

“We used that to trade for the apples on the last run.” Applejack replied, exasperated.

“The Lunarian Degreaser?”

“You mean the Moonshine? Used as degreaser.”

“What in the galaxy could require that much degreaser?” Dash hopped back into the air in frustration.

“Yer marefriend, Rarity.” Cocking an eyebrow, the orange mare pointed a hoof across the bridge to the communications console, where a white unicorn was adjusting her immaculately curled violet mane, while trying to not appear as if she was listening in on the conversation.

Jumping in surprise at being called out, the mare in question turned and faced her accuser. “Oh, well it wasn't exactly used as a degreaser. It was more of a lubricant, of the social kind. Having to dress up in all those silly costumes you bring me can be dreadfully aggravating.”

Getting looks from the other crew, Rarity stopped talking and stuck her muzzle in the air indignantly. “Well, at least I’m not the one playing pattycakes with the ship’s morale officer.” She replied cattily, getting a blush from the engineer.

“Hey! Makin ponies happy happens to be her job. An if gettin my flank paddled by a cute pink mare makes me happy, then she’s just doin’ her job!”

Suddenly the main screen lit up with the pink smiling face of the ship’s morale officer. “And don't forget, the safe word is Cupcakes!”

“I dunno, Pinkie. I read some of those stories you write, and I don’t think cupcakes are very safe with you.”

“Those are private!” The pink mare screamed, as her once curly hair suddenly went limp.

Suddenly the conversation was cut short, as sirens began to sound and red lights flashed around the bridge.

“What the buck now?” Captain Dash yelled out, throwing her hooves in the air.

“Captain! There is a ship approaching. It appears to be trying to dock with us!” The screen filled with a mass of pink and yellow, framing two teal eyes, before the face pulled back to reveal the ship’s weapons officer. “I can have the torpedos ready in a moment, but the phasers should be ready to fire on your command! Lemme rip them apart for the glory of the Celestial Empire!”

“Whoah there Fluttershy, let’s calm down a bit. We don’t even know if they are hostile.” Dash replied, muting the enraged pegasus.

“Guys, what the hay? I thought she was the shy, quiet one!” Looking to the rest of the crew, the captain screwed up her face in confusion.

“Yes captain, she was. But if you remember, a few months back you called her a yellow bellied pacifist. Despite her belly actually being yellow, she took it to heart, and went on a vision quest to find her inner warrior, and become more assertive.” Rarity chimed on, rolling her eyes. Meanwhile, the yellow pegasus continued to rant furiously in silence on the main screen.

“Well I do kinda remember her asking for some personal time, but I thought she was just going off to see her family. What the hay could have turned her into such a bloodthirsty killer?” The captain exclaimed.

“Well, she did go off on a Tequillan spirit walk, to find her inner warrior. She may have said something about a honey badger spirit animal.” Applejack replied, looking nonplussed at the situation.

“Oh, that explains it. The Tequillan cactus juice can make anypony mean as hell. I’m surprised she passed the psyche eval after that place.” Dash rolled her eyes back.

“Yes, well I remember something about you using the psyche evaluations to test out the new trash disintegration systems before we left port.” A purple unicorn made her way onto the bridge, having overheard the last bit of conversation.

“Ahh, Miss Sparkle, so good of you to join us. Any idea what we are dealing with?” The captain turned to the science officer as she made her way to the captain’s side.

“The vessel appears to be an alicorn-class warship, with full trans-warp starswirl drive capability, and a full array of discord-level chaos weaponry.” Pausing to push the purely decorative glasses onto her muzzle, the unicorn took a deep breath before continuing. “The ship is either carrying Celestia herself, or a being of equal power. We can neither outrun it, nor outgun it. In short, we are bucked.”

“Well buck me with a broomstick...” The chief engineer muttered, taking her hat off and holding it to her breast. Immediately the grinning face of the morale officer appeared on the main screen, causing everypony to take as step back. “That’s a figure of speech, Pinkie!” The engineer replied wryly, though lidded eyes, causing the pink pony to lose her grin and end the transmission with a poke of her hoof.

“Fascinating.” Twilight Sparkle commented, emotionlessly, raising a single eyebrow at the orange mare.

“Ah dun wanna talk about it.” The country mare replied.

Suddenly the main screen lit up again, causing the assembled crew to gasp in unison, as a dark visage filled the screen.

“Greetings foals! Prepare to be boarded by your Queen!” The darkly colored face with the glowing cat-slitted eyes grinned, showing a mouth full of pointed teeth. “You have something of mine, and I wish to get it back.”

“IT’S NIGHTMARE MOON! RUN!” Suddenly a door opened on the side of the bridge, ejecting a pink pony with even pinker, curly hair. She screamed as she slowly made her way across the bridge, levitating inches off the floor by way of several balloons tied to her waist. Everypony stopped what they were doing to watch, even the image on the screen, as she slowly flailed her way across the room, and out through another door that opened at her approach. Her departure caused the invading queen to look up at the crew in confusion, to which the captain merely shrugged.

“Luna, I told you we are through. Why can’t you just leave me alone?” The science officer replied, dryly.

“Nonsense! I am your Queen, and our love shall last forever!” The boisterous queen bellowed at the screen.

“The only thing that goes on forever is your flank in my face every time I wake up, because you refuse to even sleep like a normal pony.” Without emotion the unicorn once again delivered her zinger of a response.

“Pah! Many ponies would die for a mere glimpse of my royal flank. You will once again be mine, my Sparkle-Kitten, and our love shall reshape the cosmos! YOU. WILL. LOVE. ME!” The demonic pony screamed at the screen, before another face appeared the corner of the screen.

“Hey!” Fluttershy yelled, and was promptly muted as the captain closed all com channels with a sigh.

“So, everypony prepare to be boarded. It seems Miss Sparkle’s ex wants her back, and since somepony didn't fix the bucking hyperdrive, we can’t get away.” Sighing heavily, the captain hit the button to end the transmission. Looking up she noticed the crew glaring at her, and shrugged. “What? The madmare is gonna either board us or blow us outta the system. Might as well get this over with so I can go back to drinking.”

“Ah cain’t believe ya would turn over a crewmate that easy. Y’all disgust me.” Applejack turned to spit on the deck. A box-shaped device immediately launched out of a small hole in the wall, beeping happily before scrubbing the offending mess from the floor, and returning to it’s hiding place with a happy beep. This was all observed by the present crew, who shared a puzzled look, before turning to the engineer, who merely shrugged.

“You heard the egghead. Either we let her marefriend on board, or get vaporized. I myself much prefer all of my atoms in their current configuration. And besides, it’s her ex, so it’s her problem.” The captain stopped to take a drink from her now empty glass, before frowning, and tossing it over her shoulder. This triggered another visit from the small cleaning bot, who did a little victory lap before disappearing. “Celestia, that thing is cute.” Dash muttered.

Everypony was suddenly brought to attention by the sudden silence of the alarms, and a loud piping signalling a VIP approaching the bridge. Even the captain stood at attention, as the door hissed open to reveal a rather regal black alicorn, decked in silver regalia. Behind her trotted a pony shape, disguised by a form-fitting red body suit.

“So, where is my little Sparkle-Kitten?” The queen exclaimed loudly, causing the crew to cringe at the volume.

“Luna, why are you doing this?” Twilight responded with a weary sigh.

“I missed you, Twilight. Ruling the night isn't the same without you by my side.” Giving a pout, the massive black alicorn gave her best attempt at puppy-dog eyes.

“Luna, how did you think this was going to end? I am your sister’s personal student, whom you tried to assassinate, before plunging the galaxy into civil war. You then proceeded to destroy my home planet, seduce my brother to the dark side, and cut off my hoof! You are insane!” The science officer shot back, finally showing some sign of emotion.

“Damn, that’s hot.” Rainbow Dash muttered.

“What!?” everypony else exclaimed, even the dark queen in question.

“Oh, come on! Are you all honestly telling me you don’t find that kind of power sexy as hell?” The captain shot back, throwing her forehooves in the air.

“Captain, I think we need to schedule a few extra therapy sessions when this is all over.” Pinkie replied sternly from the side of the bridge, where she had reemerged. “Oh, and why is Deadpool here?” she pointed to the bodyguard.

Turning to you, the reader, the red and black costumed bodyguard shrugs. “What? Isn't it some sort of rule that I have to appear at least once at any of these fan events? You can't tell me you didn't see this coming! We have Star Wars, Star Trek, Tripping the fucking Rift. It’s frickin comic-con with ponies, all over again!” Turning back to the ship councilor, “Am I right, Pinkie? Back me up here!”

Gasping, Pinkie sits up with a start, gasping for air as if drowning. Blinking back the sleep from her eyes, she turns to look at the clock, reading 2 o’clock.

“Sweet Celestia, what a dream! That’s the last time I eat chimichangas before bedtime.” Flopping backwards she sighs, and tries to slow her racing heart.

Next to her, the blankets shift, as a dark form emerges from it’s slumber, and begins to rub his eyes.

“Whazzat Pinkie? What’s wrong?” A distinctly human shape emerges from the shadows to stretch.

“Oh, nothing Louie! Just had a bad dream. Go back to sleep.” Pinkie replies, getting a sleepy nod from her bedmate, who immediately nods and flopped back onto his side, snoring softly.

“AAHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Bolting upright in bed, I screamed into the darkness. I quickly swept the bed with my hand, finding myself alone, before releasing a held breath with a sigh of relief. Just me, alone. No crazy pony roommate sharing the bed. What a fucking dream!

“Fuck, that's the last time I do tequila-lime jello shooters before bed.” I swore, rubbing my temples.

Out of the corner of my eye I spot a flash of red and pink, framed in the dim light streaming in from the hallway through my door.

“Dammit Pinkie, stop watching me sleep. It’s fuckin creepy.” I grumbled. “And take off that damn Deadpool costume. The movie was good, but you are taking it too fucking far.”

“Aww...” I heard my roommate groan, before slinking off to her own room.

“Fuck, that girl is creepy sometimes, right Batman?” I muttered to the plush action figure next to my pillow. Of course, I didn't get an answer, because stuffed toys don’t fucking talk. What are you, twelve?

Go to bed, ya weirdo.

Author's Note

What the fuck did I just write? I apologize profusely for both my lack of writing, and my current story, but... Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

This story was brought to you by Castillo Rum ($6 a bottle, what could go wrong?), Yeungling beer, and not enough sleep. Also, 5 hours. Not the dick-sweat-tasting energy drink, THE SONG! (the remix can suck diseased bantha balls)

I take full responsibility for this, since I am too damn impatient to wait for my editors. Sorry!