Equestrian Roulette

by Between Lines

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Romance
Length: 4663

A young adult Spike finds himself stranded on a tropical island with the grown up (and interested) CMC. Will he escape with their friendship intact, or will hormones and drama shred them like so much tissue paper?

For Spike, the life of an assistant is not an easy one. If you're not sorting books, you're doing the shopping. When you're not shopping, you're helping battle the forces of disharmony. When you're not doing that, you're busy crashing airships full of Twilight's 'vacation supplies' into deserted islands.

Today, Spike is enjoying the last one. Now it's up to him to survive and find a way home, which would be simple for a fire breathing dragon…
…if three of the closest mares he knew hadn't stowed away looking for a free vacation.

But surely, four young adults can all stay focused on getting home, and not, say, how the sea water glistens off each other's bodies under the tropical sun.

Right?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2016-02-22 02:00:02 UTC

Shipwrecked your destiny

I don’t know what I was expecting, Spike thought, spitting a thin stream of saltwater from his mouth. It was always like this. Visit a book signing with Twilight, ancient tome brings the bookstore to life. Go vacuum shopping for Rarity, ancient tome brings the vacuums to life. Go hunting for ancient tomes on Celestia’s orders, get attacked by a living vacuum cleaner store for no reason beyond symmetry, so far as he could tell.

And now, the one time his assignment was actually supposed to be fun, and lo and behold, misfortune struck again. He stared dismally out at the horizon, where the half sunk ruin of his airship continued to smoulder as it rested in the shallows. Well, technically it was Twilight’s airship, but she let him drive it whenever she needed errands run, like retrieving her swimsuits for her latest ‘adventure’ that just happened to be at a Maribbean resort. Of course, that plan was now a wash, no pun intended.

Well, slight pun intended.

He sighed as he watched a few boxes of Rarity’s wardrobe float past, one of them sporting a jaunty new jellyfish atop it. Technically she hadn’t asked him to bring her things, but after so many years she didn’t really need to. He wasn’t even sure why he still waited on her foot and claw, but the dance had taken on a sort of nostalgic comfort, even if the ardor behind it had faded away. Of course, if Twilight was going to be upset, Rarity would be devastated by the loss. He decided he should probably look into getting her a reinforced fainting couch before he broke the news to her.

He glanced behind him, away from the beach and towards the jungle at his back. It was a sight straight out of an adventure novel, palms and vines grown together into a thick wall of foliage, crawling up the slopes great fuming volcanoes. Worst came to worst, he could always camp out in the caldera. It wasn’t that the bugs bothered him much, but he didn’t fancy sleeping in the same jungle as a hungry jaguar. He was getting to be big by pony standards, but in the greater world that still didn’t count for much.

He took a look at his claws, then back to the vines, taking an experimental swipe at one of them. His claws stuck fast, and he grumbled, wasting a good few seconds trying to tug his claws back out. Dragon claws were built for climbing, not cutting, a fact never more apparent than now. He tried switching to his fire and blowing a thin jet against the vines, but the moist greenery just smouldered and smoked, all but mocking his efforts. Not for the first time, he cursed his lack of wings.

“Well, this is going to be fun,” he muttered under his breath. He shook his head and turned back to the wreckage floating up to the beach. With any luck, there might be some--

“Oh.” Scootaloo said, freezing as Spike’s eyes found her. She was dripping wet from mane to hoof, her soaked tropical shirt clinging to her lean, compact lines. She managed an awkward grin, quickly trying to shift into a casual pose and failing miserably. “Fancy meeting you here!”

“You snuck on the airship, didn’t you?” Spike found a headache forming just behind his eyes, and pinched his brows to try and soothe it away.

“It’s the Maribbean! Come on, like I’m ever gonna afford to go there myself!” She huffed and flicked her wings, showering off a bit of the water soaked into them. “We hitch in, we hitch out, no muss, no fuss! Nopony would have to know.”

“Yeah, except-- wait, what do--” He groaned and felt that headache grow heavier behind his eyes. “You’re all here, aren’t you?”

“Probably, kinda, sorta, yeah.” Scootaloo sighed. “Sweetie and Applebloom bailed out first, I got thrown clear when we hit. They’re probably further up the beach.” She frowned. “At least, I hope they are.”

Spike gently patted her on the back, his own irritation fading. “I’ve watched you three crash, fall, and blow yourselves up more times than I can count. I’m sure they’re all fine.” He glanced at the jungle, its shadowed undergrowth seeming to wave in hungry anticipation, and gulped. “Still, we should probably find them quickly.”

“Yeah,” Scootaloo said, following his eyes. “Probably smart.”

Spike quickly took the lead, Scootaloo falling in behind. All along the beach, more wreckage lay strewn along the path the airship had taken. The landing had been a decidedly dodgy affair, a last minute turn just barely putting the ship into the water instead of straight into the mountain face. It still bothered Spike how quickly the ship had gone down.

“Hey, Scoots?” He asked, glancing back at her for a moment. “Did you and the girls notice anything? When the ship went down?”

“Besides getting bounced around like a bunch of rubber balls?” Scootaloo rolled her shoulders, no doubt nursing a few future bruises. “Not really. I mean, one minute we were cruising along, the next, there was just this explosion. Maybe a fuel leak? The engine sounded fine.”

“Hmph, alright.” It wasn’t like Twilight to keep unsafe equipment around. If the manual said ‘check once monthly for leaks’ then she checked every month on on the month if she could help it. “Can’t believe an engine would just blow like that.”

“Pretty weird, right? Ah! What if somepony was trying to assassinate Twilight?” Scootaloo flinched as Spike shot her a glare. “What?”

“Don’t even joke about that.” The thought alone soured his mood. It was true that Twilight had made a few enemies in her time, and while he was confident that most were the ‘muahahaha suffer my wrath and monologue’ variety, there were one or two who might stoop to something as sneaky as sabotage.

“Hey, don’t sweat it!” Scootaloo grinned and slapped him on the back. “I mean hey, if they couldn’t even bag us, how dangerous could they be?”

“I said--” Spike scowled at her, but just couldn’t keep it up against that confident grin. Instead, he just massaged his brow again, allowing himself a wry smirk. “Yeah, I guess you’ve got a point.”

“That’s the spirit! And hey, least we crashed somewhere nice!” She swept her hooves wide, briefly hovering on her wings as she spun, encompassing the whole beach in her gesture. “Can you imagine if we’d been flying to the crystal empire? Don’t get me wrong, snowboarding rocks, but sleeping in the snow? Not so much.” Suddenly, her eyes took on a dangerous glint, and she stepped in close to Spike, her side brushing up against his. “Then again, I hear dragons run pretty hot, don’t they?”

“I-I never noticed.” Spike spluttered, his purple scales taking on a hint of red. “Hey, I think I see something!” He was off like a shot, leaving Scootaloo to chase after him with a half-smirk, half pout.

Sure enough, a decidedly burly mass of yellow and red fur sat gasping on the beach, flopped out on her back. Of the three crusaders Applebloom was easily the largest, taking readily after her brother in scale. One of her citrine eyes fixed on them as they approached, and her next pant for breath doubled as a sigh of relief. She waved Spike and Scoots over with a lazy wave of her hoof.

“Ah shoulda known you two would be fine,” she said between gasps. “Wish I hadn’t let Sweetie go looking for you though. Ah reckon now she went the wrong way.”

“But she is okay, right?” Scootaloo asked, relaxing as Applebloom nodded. “I’ll go grab her. You… look like you could use a rest.”

“You try fightin' an undertow while pulling your friend, see how you like it.” Applebloom slowly rolled to her hooves, still huffing heavily. “Sweet Celestia if I never go swimming again it’ll be too soon.”

“You sure you’re okay standing?” Spike asked, sparing a glance for for Scootaloo as she disappeared down a curve in the beach, before focusing on Applebloom. “Really, we’ve got time to rest.”

“And let those two have all the fun?” She took one deep breath, and managed a bright grin. “I worked harder days than this on vacation. Which, I guess we’re kinda on, I suppose.”

“I don’t think shipwrecked qualifies as a vacation,” he spared another glance for the ruin of the airship in the distance. “Twilight is going to be so mad.”

“I dunno, I figure you being alive and all will probably take a bit of the edge off.” Applebloom shrugged. “Sides’ not like it was your fault.”

“What?” Spike asked, surprised.

“Spike, I’ve seen you fly that thing back and forth as many times as I pulled a wagon. Only time I ever crashed, it was the wagon’s fault, and I figure it’s the same for you.” She pulled him in for a quick one-hoofed hug. “You’re fine Spike, I’m sure it was just an accident is all.”

“I really hope so.” He left Scootaloo’s theories of sabotage unsaid. “Either way, we’re stuck here now.”

“That we are, so might as well make the best of it!” Applebloom stretched and glanced at the jungle before them. “Ain’t never bucked a coconut tree before. You think it works the same way?”

“I have literally no idea.” Spike shook his head. Applebucking was as foreign to him as shampoo. He watched as Applebloom walked up to the tree, her eyes sizing it up.

“Only one way to find out. Look out below!” She reared up and gave it a rattling buck, the whole tree shaking back and forth. For a moment, nothing happened, and then the tree began to lean dangerously to the side. It became suddenly aparrent that is was going to capsize right back on Applebloom.

“Applebloom!” Spike acted without thinking, a fact made obvious in that he was about to try and push a pony probably half again his weight out of harm’s way. Fortunately, Applebloom backed up, avoiding danger herself and stopping Spike short as well. The tree thumped mightily to the ground, leaving Applebloom to stare at the drake she’d more or less plowed over.

“Did you… just try and save me?” She raised an eyebrow, making Spike start to flush with embarrassment. Applebloom stared down at him, then started to smile, a blush coloring her own cheeks. “You always were too sweet for your own good.”

“Woah!” Scootaloo shouted, all but barging onto the scene, her shocked expression turning into a lewd grin as she spotted Applebloom straddling Spike. “Well well, don’t let me interrupt~”

“Ain’t interruptin’ nothing!” Applebloom declared, though her cheeks still nearly matched her mane in coloration. “Just a little mixup is all. Palms ain’t no apple trees, that’s for sure.”

Scootaloo let out a low whistle. “No kidding!” She trotted up to the felled tree and gave it a kick. “Jeeze, you kick this over yourself?”

“I didn’t ‘kick it over.’ Just gave it a solid buck and the thing fell over all on its own.” She huffed, her blush more indignant than embarrassed. “I know how to treat a tree… most times.”

“I’m here, I’m here!” It was at that moment that Sweetie Belle charged around the corner, huffing and panting. “What happened? We heard a crash and…” Sweetie belle took in the scene at a glance, then nodded absently as she caught her breath. “Okay, everypony’s fine. That’s good. That’s great. Let me just… yeah…” She flopped over in the sand. “Scootaloo?”

“Uh, yeah?” Scotaloo scratched her head awkwardly.

“Next time, please don’t take off like that. Not all of us are athletes for a living.” The statement clearly applied to Sweetie in particular. Where Applebloom and Scootaloo both ends of the athletic spectrum, Sweetie was best described as ‘marshmellowy.’ Years of standing in singing studios and fine dining had given her a build distinctly ill suited to jungle survival , but perfectly suited to ‘artistic appreciation.’

“Sorry Sweets. Thought somepony might be dying or something.” She shot sweetie a sheepish grin, before letting it turn lecherous again. “Turns out it was just somepony about to go to heaven.”

“Shush.” Applebloom’s hoof caught Scoot’s right behind the ear with an audible smack, which only made the pegasus grin harder. “Don’t listen to her, Sweetie. Just an awkward rescue was all.” She turned to Spike. “Ain’t that right?”

“Absolutely! One hundred percent.” Spike nodded enthusiastically, fervently hoping for the heat in his cheeks to die down sometime this month. “Right now we have bigger things to focus on.”

“Yeah yeah.” Scoots rolled her shoulders. “So, what now? We looking for rescue, or camping out until the cavalry arrives?” She grinned as she looked up at the volcano. “I personally could go for a jungle adventure.”

“No, thank you.” Sweetie shook her head, her curls already limp with sweat. “I’m all for an adventure, but I’m already melting, and the rescue party’s going to check the beach first, right?”

“I figure that’s what I’d do.” Applebloom turned to Spike. “Any idea how long that might be?”

Spike sighed. “Twilight told me I didn’t have to rush her things to her, and I told everyone in Ponyville I might just come back when Twilight did.” He scratched at his head, ducking slightly beneath their gazes. “It...might be a bit.”

“Buck yeah!” Scoots pumped a hoof in the air. “Jungle adventure is officially a-go!”

“Uuuuggghhh,” Sweetie moaned, flopping on her back.

“Shoulda figured.” Applebloom shook her head, then drew herself up. “Well, I guess it’s look for rescue then. But we’ll camp out and gather supplies first, and maybe give Sweetie some time to catch her breath.”

“Thanks girls.” Sweetie waved a hoof exhaustedly. “I’ll just be a minute, promise.”

Applebloom clapped her hooves. “Alright, partners. I’ll start putting us together a shelter. Sweetie, you can help when you’re back on your hooves. Spike, Scoots, you two take a look see. Reckon you two’ll have an easier time getting through that tangled up mess out there than I will.”

“Aye aye, cap’n!” Scoots snapped off a quick salute, before shooting her smile at Spike, and making teasing doe eyes at him. “You’ll keep me safe, won’t you?”

Spike could only roll his eyes and snicker. “You sure you don’t have that backwards?”

Scootaloo burst into laughter. “Maybe! You just keep your eyes on my back…” She winked. “And I’ll keep mine on yours.”

“Oh for the love of Celestia,” Sweetie mumbled. “Could you lower your tail a little?”

Scootaloo turned crimson and choked, coughing for a few seconds. “Okay, maybe I was laying it on a bit thick.”

“No kidding.” Applebloom rolled her eyes. “Maybe we can all keep our heads screwed on straight until after we’ve got a roof over our heads?”

“Yeah, alright.” Scootaloo’s smile returned, but it wasn’t quite so cocksure as before. “Come on, Spike, let’s go raid some tombs or something.”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” He sighed, and turned his eyes towards the smouldering volcano towering above them. “Some vacation this turned out to be.”

Still, as he took at look at the company around him, he found a smile tugging at his lips. Maybe it wouldn’t be the vacation he’d hoped, but he couldn’t have asked for better company on it.

Too Hot to Handle

Being a dragon came with a lot of perks. Sure, dessert could cost as much as an engagement ring, mostly because sometimes they were one and the same, but on the plus side, you were almost never too cold, and certainly never too warm. Ponies, clearly, did not enjoy that particular protection.

“Uh, Scoots, you feeling alright?” Spike asked, hovering hesitantly over her as she lay flopped on her belly. “You don’t look so good.”

“I’m super. Good to go. One hundred percent.” She had her tongue flopped out of her mouth like a dog, her ears and hair plastered flat against her head. “Just slightly melting is all. No big deal. Just need a minute in the shade to cool off.”

Spike glanced up at the thick overgrowth around them. “We’re already in the shade.”

“Really? Somepony should really tell this damn island that,” Scootaloo panted. “It’s like an oven out here. Maybe Luna was onto something with that whole eternal night thing.”

Spike shook his head. “Come on, we’re getting you somewhere cooler.” Without another word, he started to pick up Scootaloo, even as she weakly squirmed in his grip.

“H-hey! Come on, I’m good to go! Just need a minute is all!” She continued to struggle in his grip for a few seconds, before she finally went limp as sweat drenched her fur. “Okay, okay, you win. You do the walking for a while.”

“Just until you don’t look like you’re going to leave a puddle on the floor.” Sprawled across his back, Spike could feel just how hot Scootaloo was running. It didn’t bother him any, but in his experience ponies weren’t supposed to get this warm outside of a fever. “You really should have taken things easier.”

“We’ve got a lot of ground to cover!” Scoots said, wrapping her arms across his chest as she pouted. “I knew I should have brought my scooter.”

“You can’t scooter in the jungle,” Spike pointed out.

“Maybe you can’t.” She stuck out her tongue, before slumping her head beside his. For a moment, it was just the sounds of the rustling undergrowth around them. “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry,” she muttered. “About the beach, I mean. I was kinda out of line.”

Spike’s cheeks flushed. “It’s no problem, I was just, kinda surprised is all.”

“Oh, so you liked it then?” She briefly grinned as his cheeks colored even deeper, before her eyes widened and she winced. “Sorry, doing it again.”

“Yeah,” Spike coughed, fighting the way his heart wanted to race. “You just… never said anything before, back in Ponyville.”

“Yeah, I…” She sighed. “When I washed up on that beach, I was kinda scared, you know? Not like, super scared, I mean. But… a little. I never really could fly that well, so, I mean, it’s not like I could ride a cloud home or anything.” She fidgeted against his back, averting her eyes. “Being ‘stranded’ isn’t really a thing for most pegasi, but I have to think about where I’m going, how I’m going to get there all the time. Not being able to get home…”

Spike was silent, his only response to hold her just a little tighter.

If Scootaloo noticed, she didn’t say anything, but a tiny smile flitted across her lips. “Anyway, I saw you on that beach, with the palms behind you, and all I could think was how it looked like one of those trashy romance novels, the colt posing in the gleaming sunlight, all wet and glistening…” She snickered as his cheeks colored again. “It was just easier to think about it like that, you know? Then we met Applebloom and Sweetie, and… I just really wanted it to be this dumb, silly thing, instead of…”

“I understand.” Spike nodded, then a wicked idea popped into his head. “We could make out when we get back, if that’d help.”

It was Scootaloo’s turn to flush red as a beet, her spluttering driving Spike to laughter. “N-no fair!”

“Doesn’t everybody say ‘turnabout is fair play?’” He snickered even as she bit one of his spines in retort.

“Not when the other pony’s got her brain boiling out her ears.” She huffed and pouted. “Just find me someplace cool.”

“You got it.” His still had that smirk on his face. “With or without makeout-access?”

“Shuttup.” She bit him again. “What does that even mean anyway?”

“I have no idea,” he chuckled.

“Oh Celestia, this is so cliche it hurts and I don’t even care.” As she spoke, Scootaloo rolled over, letting the small waterfall splash all over her belly and face, flailing her legs playfully into the stream.

Sure enough, the two of them had managed to find what could have been the posterchild for all jungle oasis. A bright, babbling stream flowed through a clearing in the trees, cascading down a small cliff just high enough to qualify as a waterfall. There was even a rainbow glinting in the misty spray. Idly, Scootaloo batted it as she swam by, sending it spinning around its radius.

“Just don’t get eaten by leeches or anything!” Spike called down from atop his tree. Around him, various massive green fruits sat ripe and waiting to be plucked. He plucked a few of them, briefly hoping Applebloom would know more about them than he did. They smelled fine to him, but then the dragon definition of ‘edible’ tended to be a bit broader than most. “You know anything about fruit?”

“Depends, whatcha got?” He tossed her down a fruit, and she caught it. She eyed it for a moment, before promptly biting into it and chewing greedily. “Seems good to me!”

Spike nearly choked on his own tongue. “Don’t do that! What if it’s poisonous!” He briefly considered scrambling down, before realizing how absurd it would be to try and stop her from eating the fruit at this point. “You can’t just do that!”

“I just did.” She smacked her lips. “Mmmm, besides, isn’t it like mushrooms that you’re not supposed to eat or something?”

“Yes, you’re not supposed to eat mushrooms, but you’re not just supposed to eat fruit either!” He nearly flailed at her, before remembering he needed his arms to stay in the tree. “You could die!”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “You know, sometimes I forget you’re Twilight’s brother, and then, for some reason, I remember.” She grinned. “Relax a little. It’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

Spike sighed in defeat. “Well, it’s done now. Kind of wish we had Applebloom with us.”

“Oh really now?” Scootaloo’s grin grew even wider. “I’m sure she’d love to hear that.”

Spike flushed. “I thought you said you were laying off.”

“Oh, off me, sure.” She paddled over to the edge of the river and pulled herself out, the water glittering in the air as she shook herself off. “You know she’s into you, right?”

Spike was silent a moment.

“Oh ho ho! You do know, don’t you?” Scootaloo’s grin nearly split her face in two. “And here we thought you were just blind as a bat!”

“H-hey!” Spike scowled down at her. “I just… it’s complicated, you know?”

“Oh? Got your eyes on somepony else?” She made a show of stretching, lean muscles flexing beneath her glossy fur, eyes fixed on Spike like a hungry cat. “Now I know why that teasing got you riled up so fast.”

“I-- just-- ugh!” He clambered down the tree, his tail flicking in irritation. “Could you just be serious for a minute?”

Her grin faded a bit, but she held up her hooves in defeat. “Alright, alright, serious time. What’s up there?”

“I just…” Spike sighed and flopped down at the base of the tree, Scootaloo sitting down just a touch too close beside him. “I don’t know. We’ve known each other so long, and...  I mean, there was something there, but…” He glanced guiltily at Scootaloo, and in that moment her grin disappeared completely.

“...you were never alone,” she finished for him, receiving a soft frown in reply. “Yeah, I should have seen that coming. It’s… kinda been a problem for all of us.” When Spike’s eyebrows rose, she sighed, dropping her head into his lap. “Don’t get me wrong, having such close friends is great, but… it makes private time kind of a problem, you know?”

“You’re really together that… often?” Spike found himself squirming, and not entirely from Scootaloo’s face being where it was.

Scootaloo snorted, her breath brushing against Spike’s belly. “We’ve got a set of matching cutie marks, what do you think?” Her eyes flicked away, off into the middle distance. “Most times I don’t know what I’d do without those two… but…” She bit her lip, her voice dropping to a whisper. “...Sometimes I do...”

For an instant, their eyes met, and Spike’s heart felt like it would leap out of his chest. Right now, they were alone, with nothing between them but Applebloom’s shadow. Of course he felt for Applebloom too, but like he’d said, it was complicated. As she stared into his eyes, he was suddenly reminded of the first time he’d seen her at a grand prix.

She’s been standing there in her racing suit, tight fabric clinging to her every toned curve. But it was her eyes that had caught him. Hungry, bold, and fierce. The eyes of a girl who took what she wanted. The kind of girl who won just because she loved doing it.

Right now, he could see that same fire burning just out of reach. A single breath, a single touch, and he knew it would reach out and consume him. And oh how he wanted to be consumed. And then she blinked, and it was gone.

“R-right, we should be getting back.” She was out of his lap so fast he could have sworn she teleported, leaving nothing but an awkward mix of yearning and guilt in her place. “I’m sure Applebloom’s starting to worry. You know how she is.”

“Yeah, I do.” He took a deep breath, and clenched his claws, willing away the nervous shaking that had entered them. “We should get back.”

For a moment, their eyes met again.

Then they both looked away.

The trip back was made in almost total silence, the speech between them kept to the most cursory observations. That looked like an abandoned village. Stop, I thought I heard something. Wasn’t our beach to the south?

When they finally stepped back onto the white sand of the shoreline, it was a welcome return indeed.

“There you two are.” Applebloom let out a breath, that she’d probably been half-holding the entire time. “You were gone a mighty long time.”

“Got lost,” Scootaloo threw out before Spike could respond. “Didn’t really see anything interesting. A few collapsed huts. We did find a river though, so we’ve got water at least.”

“Well that’s one thing off our plates, I figure.” Applebloom managed a smile. “Speaking of plates, you two find anything good?”

“Just these.” Spike pulled out a cluster of the fruit he’d found, having conveniently stored them in a little palm-leaf bandolier.

“Huh.” Applebloom stared at them a moment. “Well they ain’t no apples, I can tell you that.”

Spike and Scootaloo groaned.

“Hey, just because I know apples, don’t mean I’m the end-all of fruit knowledge.” She huffed and passed it back to Spike.

“Oh! Jackfruit!” The fruit found itself yanked from Applebloom’s grasp by a minty field of magic. Sweetie Belle all but squealed as she got the fruit, quickly wrestling off the skin to get at the flesh within. “I love these!”

“You all know what these are?” Applebloom raised an eyebrow as Sweetie nodded.

“Mmmhmm! Jackfruit! Very popular in tropical curries! But you can totally eat them raw.” She proceeded to prove that fact by digging right on into the fruit.

“Encyclopedia Sweetie strikes again,” Scootaloo snickered.

Sweetie paused just to glare at her. “We’re seriously doing this again. Seriously?”

“Old times sake?” Scootaloo grinned.

Sweetie continued to glare, until she promptly broke into giggles. A moment later the other two had joined her, and Spike found a tension lingering in his shoulders beginning to drift away as he joined in as well. In this one moment, laughing on the beach, he felt like they were all going to be fine. A moment later, he found a hoof on his shoulder, and as he turned to face Applebloom, that okay feeling fell away.

“Hey, uh, Spike?” She glanced at the other two. “You got a minute? We need to talk.”