The Day He Came Home

Chapters

Burning Homes (And Other Felonies)
Interior Design (For Your State of Mind)
Memories (Both Good and Bad)
Philosophy (A Guiding Principal)
Hard Questions (But No Answers)
An Endless Wall (Of Texts)
Into The Depths (Of Dispair)
Darkness (And Rebirth)

Burning Homes (And Other Felonies)

"You're dead Shimmer! Ya hear me!"
"We're gonna have some fun with you tonight!"
"Ya parents ain't gonna recognize ya!"

Prison hall scare tactics. The scared straight of the adult variety, hauling a heavily shackled stallion through the cell blocks, letting the boys inside take a gander at the new meat. A sound strategy to be sure; heck, if you minus the ensuing assaults and violent sodomy, it was practically a flawless system.
Drag this reprobate far from the public eye and cast him down with the cut-throats, villains, maimers and murderers; My kinda people.
Really though, the idea that these milk drinkers thought they could scare me was ludicrous. This wasn't my first stop-off in a county dungeon, and I guarantee it won't be the last.
Well okay, if I had it my way it would be, but you know what they say about best laid plans. I mean I assume you do; never liked school me, just going off what I read in stolen library books and on bar napkins. A wealth of information at my hooves. Wouldn't mommy and daddy be proud.

"SHIMMER! You screwed us over, now we're gonna do the same to you!" Ahhh, how nice. Old friends and new, all in one place. This will be a sleepover to remember. And me without a camera. Funny really, I hadn't seen that Minotaur in years.

"Actually your sister was the one doing the screwing; I was too drunk to bring my A-game." What was his sisters name again? Bloody cider haze, a Minotaur? What was I thinking!

" You Son Of A..."

"Couldn't stay for breakfast, you know how it is, once you vomit in bed it kind of sours the romantic ambiance. But hey I wrote her an apology." Or at least I'd thought about doing that, probably... maybe.

The wall of muscle and stallionhood overcompensation rammed his head into the bars of his crammed cell. More power to him, if he could break through these crystal walls, underground no less, then he deserved to be free. Still the guards apparently didn't share my sentiment as they discharged their crystal horns into the cell. Funny, it wasn't often the crystal unicorns made their presence known. I feel so special.
You could smell the charred Minotaur hair from the far end of the hall. Well at least it made the Diamond Dogs in the neighboring cell happy, speaking of which...

"No-Bite remember you. Yellow Earth-Pony steal hoard!"
"... And leave rest of Rover-pack with Dragon!"
That one takes me back. A giant green lizard with a serious thorn up its ass, half a dozen scared shitless dogs and one devilishly handsome earth pony with a kings ransom in stolen jewels and plundered gold. All buried in a deep hole in what I refer to as, my retirement plan. You know, when the lifestyle of stealing from the rich and giving to me loses its appeal.
I'm thinking sandy beaches, pineapple drinks, a earth pony on my left and a zebra on my right. Don't knock it till you try it. I'm a survivor of that 'Out of Zebrica' fever, if you know what I mean. What can I say, I got a type.

A pity I had to leave those Dogs with the scaly saver of shiny things, they made for a nice distraction. But hey, you drag your feet, you get left in my dust.

The guards drag me through another gateway and pat down point. You gotta wonder if this is how the lonely guards get their rocks off. Then I'm rewarded with another crystal tunnel full of cells containing, you guessed it, folks that wanna kill me. Well okay not all of them. A few made promises of a painful night and one stallion was planning a nice game of touch hoofball in the showers later, so that should be fun.
Lets see, what else? Ah yes, more screaming. A few jeers about mommy dearest, Celestia rest her soul. More screams and a joke about a crushed pelvis, lovely.

Eventually I found myself chained to a chair in an interrogation room. Nice and spacious really, so much polished crystal everywhere. Its a wonder the Dragon migration doesn't roll through here and strip the city bare.

"Has the prisoner been restrained?" Why I'd recognize that dumb hoofball jock sounding voice anywhere. Be still my beating heart, the 'Bro Prince' of the Crystal Empire has deemed to grace me with his most excellent and bodacious presence.
The crown Prince himself excused his guards out the door behind him and took a seat opposite me. At a cold metal table no less. How out of place.

"Daylight Shimmer; Or as your known around the 'Canterlot Special Crimes Division', Enemy of the State number twenty-three. Your reputation proceeds you, yet seeing you here, in chains, with no place to go except in a cell... I have to say, I'm disappointed. Still, I hope the guards were respectful when bringing you in. I've already had a group ask me for a few minutes of one on one time with you."

"Mares I hope."

"Well then your in for a disappointment." Always start off with a joke. Always have and its served me well this far. Then again 'this far' is a dungeon. But hey, at least it looks pretty.

"You know what I like most about your dungeon, Princey? The decor. Everything's so shiny and hard, like Sapphire Shores after a Grammy award speech. And yet you managed to find the single ugliest table an Equestrian flea market has to offer, and stuck it smack dab in the middle of the room. You gotta admit, it does mar the otherwise oppressive prison feel just a smidge."

"I never took you for an expert in interior design, Shimmer."

Shining Armor, Celestia's gift to hormonal teenage mares across the land. Took the earth itself and molded it into his image, and then slapped a giant sausage underneath for good measure. Or so the mares-only locker room legend goes.

"You don't spend half your life bending lonely mares over without learning a thing or two about furniture. Fun fact; pinewood, not exactly the sturdiest wood. I mean there I am, hunched over this pegasus when suddenly, 'Crack!' Down we go. Splinters everywhere. And I do mean everywhere."

"Did you rob her afterwards? That's what you do isn't it? Use ponies then rob them blind," Leaning over the table for drama. Awkward pause, ending in three, two, one. "I should know, this prison alone is full of them. Ponies, Minotaurs, Griffons, Zebra's, creatures of many races... all out for your head on a pike."

"Even you?" His eyes betray his outwardly mask of calm indifference. He wanted a piece of me; if he was locked up in here, he'd come at me with a soap bar full of razer blades and not think twice.

"I don't hold a grudge Shimmer! I'm better than that. That's why I live out there and your stuck in here." He kicks back in his chair with a look of smug self satisfaction. I hope he enjoys it. I was being nice before, now though, the metaphorical gloves are off.

"You know... now I think about it, I did rob that mare. She wasn't blind per say, but she did have the most bucked-up eyes I've ever seen."
A damn good lay though. I wonder if she's still single, might take a few days, maybe a nice muffin basket but I could bring her around. After all, how long could one mare hold a grudge?

"I know the mare you're talking about; I checked up on her a few times when I served in the Canterlot guard." Ohhh, goody. His face is turning red.

"And? Don't keep me in suspense, Princey. How's her filly doing? She ever get over that bed wetting phase?"

"Phase?! She was only one year old! And her mom... you destroyed her faith in other ponies!"

"And here I thought we parted on such good terms." My turn to kick back and grin. Let's see how far I can push this guy.

"You drained her life savings and left her with nothing! The poor mare & her foal had to move in with friends, and pick up a second job."
I shrug at him; you feel that shining, that's me getting under your skin.

"Meh, take it from a guy who spent three years as a racketeer for fat and slimy stiffs in suits. A little poverty never hurt anypony. Heck, it'll be good for the kid. Teach her just how nasty the world can be. Can't just point a happy-rainbow-laser at your problems and expect them to go away. But you'd know all about that wouldn't you. Pardon my Prench, but... is it true you fucked a Changeling queen?" Seems I've struck a nerve. Ol' Princey looks like he could fly over this table and tear me apart; but he won't, not with his people watching behind the two-way mirror. Oh how powerless he must feel.

A full minute of silent stares and Armor finally has something to say.

"Why? Why do you act like this? Putting ponies down. Turning on those who called you friend. Your partners in crime aren't worth a damn, but what about all the other innocent people? The victims you've robbed, used, betrayed and for what? Another hidden stash of stolen property and another mark on your already bright red file," My favorite color, FYI. "With your intelligence, you could make a real difference in the lives of others..."

"Intelligence? Okay let me stop you right there Princey. What you call intelligence, I call skill. I picked up everything I know from real world experience. Most I got from high school was a migraine!"

Princey smirked and tossed down a few files from inside his dress shirt. Was he carrying those around the whole time we've been here?

"Oh we've seen your report cards too; dropped out of Canterlot Academy one autumn morning with a 'C' average across all subjects. Add to that a brand new faculty type writer, seventeen boxes of pens, the entire contents of the school trophy case and 'our' headmistress's wig."
And there it is, no more beating around the bush. He finally acknowledged the elephant in the room. Shiny's gone wide eyed, like dinner plates. Poor guy wants to take back that last part so bad. Sorry Princey, my turn now.

"AH-HA! I knew it! You remember me don't you. After all these years, we finally talk face to face and you act like we've never met. Mr Goody forehooves Shining Armor. It's been a while. Hey, you still hang out with those Fantasy/RPG nerds?"

"Frequently... That means allot, Mr Dropout."

"I'll have to take your word for that."

"..."

Half a second later we're laughing like fillies at a carnival. I'll admit it felt nice. Its not often I laugh without somepony in tears or bleeding.
A sobering thought to be sure. Princey wiped a tear from his eye and straightened his face, good thing too, I almost didn't recognize the trussed up modern major general for a second.

"Getting back to the subject at hoof. That little stunt you pulled at Canterlot Academy was the first in a lifetime of penalties ranging from casual misdemeanors to today's tour-de-force, which may very well gain you an audience with Princess Celestia herself. Attempted theft of an ancient relic is not something the rulers of Equestria look kindly upon. I mean really? The crystal heart? In the middle of the day, in a crowded courtyard filled with pedestrians, all of whom would lay down their lives to protect the object that keeps their city and by extension their families safe. You must have known you'd get caught!"

Armor looks to me expectantly. I don't actually know how to respond. Why did I do it in the first place? I wasn't even half way down the street from where I'd nabbed the heart before a mob of crystal ponies used me as a makeshift trampoline. It was right there though! Floating completely unguarded, like a hearths warming present in an unlocked house. How could I resist?!

"Well it sounds pretty stupid when you just spell it out like that." Armour doesn't say anything, he merely stares at me, like I'm a jigsaw with a half a dozen missing pieces.

"I'm bored Princey..." The words came out before I could register exactly what it was I was saying. Guess its my turn to look stupid... er, stupider. Armor actually looked surprised for a moment. Guess he found a piece he didn't know was missing.

"Oh really... is that a fact. Is that why you did this? Everything you've done, you justify with... 'Because your bored?' Seems like a pretty flimsy excuse, all things considered. What, you needed a challenge or something? Has the notion of robbing banks and knocking over small businesses lost its zeal? Or is this another plea for attention from the Princesses? If that's the case, you might just get your wish."

Right, right and right again. All of the above. Full marks; show the stallion what he's won.

"I stopped being the one who takes orders years ago, Princey. I was just a newb back then, now ten years later and I've scammed and conned with the best of em'. And I don't have to justify anything, because it is what it is. I lie, cheat and steal because I can, its what I'm good at. I don't know why, I just do what I do. As the scorpion once said to the drowning frog... 'Its just my nature!'"

Speechless, Princey is speechless. I think that's worthy of an imaginary applause. In all seriousness though, if this was Armor's way of breaking through to me, it was failing spectacularly.

"Twenty-Eight years old and already wanted in numerous realms across the 'Planet', for a list of crimes that'd put 'Rampart the Soul Eater' to shame! What would your parents say if they could see you now?" Dick move, bringing the family into this Princey. Couldn't come up with a retort? Nope just change the subject.

"They'd probably be proud of me. Dear old dad would say something along the lines of... 'Smekkle, razzergar, flegle, shloke' then burp and pass out in a puddle of his own bodily fluids. And Mom? Well she wouldn't say anything, and if she did I'd run for the hills; you know what they say about when the dead speak."

If it wasn't obvious by now, I don't like my parents. What did they ever do for me? Their practice child. They drank while I was still growing in mom's baby cannon. I asked for something to bring for show and tell... they gave me a black eye. Mom tried to leave me in Princess Celestia's castle but kept getting lost and finding me again. And dad's birthday present to me was a fixed deck of cards, which he used to con me out of my last five bits. But now their either dead or about to be, and the only thing keeping me from a stolen fortune and greener pastures is a prince with a face as punchable as his suit is frumpy. What a tool.

"Oh we're well aware of your families past discrepancies, seems criminal behavior runs in the family. Parents married early, eloped to Las Pegasus and hitchhiked back to Canterlot with what's left of their bits only a few weeks later. Had you and screwed you up in ten years, then eight years after that, they lost you and tried to claim life insurance which they didn't have. And then there's your sister; I can only imagine how much your influence messed with her head..."

There comes a time in everyponies life, when all the day to day problems just seem to build and build until they reach a boiling point where even the slightest provocation could set you off. For me, right here and now, it was less of an annoying, 'ohhh I'm angry' custard pie to the face and more like a 'You're Fucking Dead' sledgehammer to the bollocks.
He busted my balls, you might say.

"You Do Not Say Anything About My Baby Sister! You got that, you piss poor mishmash of a high school jock and prince charming, stereotype!" Wow, he nearly fell out of his chair. If I wasn't seeing red right now, I'd maybe enjoy this.

Behind me I heard the doors burst open and felt the familiar tingle of magically charged horns inches from the back of my head.
Now my usual tactic in this situation would be to run in a serpentine and hope the enraged mare or her husband can't aim. But seeing as I was chained to a chair which in turn was bolted to the floor made this a moot point.
Unless they're really that bad a shot, though at this point that seems unlikely.

"Wait, wait don't fire!" And here comes my knight in Shining Armor to save my backside; I wonder if his parents were psychic or something, how else do you explain a name that oddly specific. "It's alright, head back to your post... I can handle this one, he's giving me everything I need." I was? Huh, I wonder if this is how all those loose lip mares felt when they gave me their bank details over a bottle of sangria.
The tingle of magic faded, followed by the sound of hooves moving away and the closing of a heavy door.

"Age eighteen, you up and vanish from Canterlot and commit a slew of crimes across Equestria and beyond; Five years later Sunset Shimmer, 'Your Sister', betrays her teacher, 'Our Princess' by the way, and flees Canterlot Castle never to be seen again; Then a few months ago, she springs up out of nowhere and escapes to another world with 'My Sister's' crown in her hooves. Now with all that in mind, can you honestly tell me that you had no impact on your sister's life what so ever?!"

I still remember the day I read about my sister swiping that sappy purple princess's crown; I hadn't laughed so hard in my life, I think it actually made the bar owners nervous, which in terms of Griffons, is a huge accomplishment. I'd never felt so proud of her in all my life. I was ten when my sister was born and she'd stuck to me like glue ever since. I took care of her, protected her from bullies, mom and dad included. And in return, she made me laugh. The best friend a pony could ask for. Finding out she'd robbed Princey's sister was icing on an already delicious cake.

"I took care of her for eight years Princey! Even when she got her scholarship and moved into Sun-butt's castle, I still saw her once a week, on the dot. While mom and dad played toss the bottle in between punch-ups; I was reading her bedtime stories and cracking dad across the face when he got too close. I was there for her, buddy! Always! Do you know she once stuck a long range teleport spell on me, anywhere I was she'd pop-up right there next to me, almost got me in trouble a few times. But regardless, I was always there."

"Oh really, you mean like just after her eighth birthday when you up and disappeared from her life, without a single 'Goodbye' or 'Take Care'? Princess Celestia couldn't bare to see her upset, in the end she told her you were doing missionary work in the south-seas, and blocked her teleport spell when she tried to run away, just to find your sorry hide. Though in retrospect we probably could've used that spell in your coming years! I guess that's hindsight for ya."

"What did she tell her I was doing down south exactly?

"Something about building homes in Zebrica, I believe."

So Sunny doesn't know about my record? This is a surprise. A pleasant surprise. I have to fight to keep the grin from my face, this is too good to be true. My sister, my wide-eyed baby sister still thinks I'm a 'Good Guy', if you will. Maybe before I plan by beach side retirement, I'll track down that multiversal-mirror and pick the girl up. Her and me against the world, just like it used to be. I'll save her from that otherworldly prison and together we'll buy a lodge by the sea. Parties every night and lounging every day, just like we always dreamed.
I guess good things do come to those who wait.

"Building homes in Zebrica... nah, I was the one burning em' down. Zebrican warlords pay good money for those services. That's where Celestia's foreign aid budget is going by the by. Funny story Princey; this one Warthog I met, lived in a luxury mansion surrounded by servants and fine food, while he paid guys like me riches to burn down the homes of his citizens. They were mud huts and scrap metal shacks mind you, but they went up good."

"You're just adding to your file at this point Shimmer, so please, do go on..." Oh smug Shiny; after this day, you'll never see me again. But lets not get ahead of ourselves.

"So one day I'm invited to drinks with the guy, and he arrives carried by six zebras on this weird green couch with poles. Anywho, we're sitting there, sipping our wine and he says to me... 'Do you know why those savages toil in their own filth, while we dine like kings?', I say to him, 'Simple, because we're strong and they're weak.' But then he turns to me and he's says, 'Oh no, the savages have strength in abundance.' So I'm left wondering, well what could it be, and what he said really put things into perspective, he says... 'It is because they are weak willed. They pray to a god who will never answer and wait for a miracle that may never come. But you and I? We refuse to wait, we take that which we know we deserve. We make our own miracles, and if the game we play turns against our favor, well we either change the rules and keep playing. Or throttle the other players until we win.'"

It was a good memory. Because he was right, I shouldn't wait and hope for the best. I had to make things happen. I shouldn't follow the rules, I should've been the one making them! And that in turn opened my eyes to a new way of thinking entirely.
Princey looks like he just got told his foalhood pet died. Sometimes I envy the normies and their narrow minded way of thinking. Doomed to a life of drudgery and following orders whilst I'm sitting pretty on a nest egg that'd give the Dragon emperor himself the shakes.

"Ten years since I last saw you Daylight; Ever the sociopath even to this day. Don't get me wrong, you were a thug back in school but now? Now your something else entirely. A criminal, a thief, a liar..."

"Have I ever once cited myself as anything else? I know what I am, I'm a dirt-bag plain and simple. Only difference between me and a few notable others of my ilk is that I admit it. Though I must say I prefer the term 'realist' if you don't mind. Sounds a little more sophisticated."

"Daylight, I'm gonna be frank... We've been filling out your psych profile this entire time. The Equestrian government believes wholeheartedly in the notions of 'Reforming over Imprisonment', but with a record as blood red as yours, its becoming less and less likely that you will ever see the outside world again. And from what your telling me, the things you have to say... if your not at least in a cell by the end of the day, then chances are you'll be spending the rest of your natural life in a padded room."

"Maybe we could share one. You look about ready yank your mane out, my friend." Boy did he ever. I couldn't tell if he was frustrated or confused or both. With a wife as fine as his, you'd think he'd be doing his job every day with a giant grin plastered across his face.

"Let's wrap this up Shimmer, we both know how this is going to end. Tell me how you could possibly see yourself as a realist..."

How much time had passed since I'd been brought in here, at this rate I'm gonna miss playtime with all my old friends.
Suppose they'll have to wait... 'C'est la vie' as they say in Prance.

"Can't you see the irony that's draped over this realm like that ugly blue coat your wearing?! You guards-ponies, the princesses, your precious sister; Your lives revolve around the spread and worship of 'harmony', yuck, makes me sick just saying it. And all those out there who don't follow this misguided belief like me or who don't fit your traditional mold of the 'Good Guy' are branded as villains! Punished because we don't meet your standards. And if your solution was to lock us up, fine! We didn't follow your precious laws, its only fair we pay for it. But no, if we break the rules, your solution is to quote/unquote 'reform us' as if their something fundamentally wrong with who we are that needs to be destroyed."

"What the buck are you talking about? What standards? What's wrong with reforming criminals like you?" Armor was leaning close, good to know I have his full attention.

"Think about it Armor! The high and mighty Alicorns think they can simply shoot feel-good magic at their alleged enemies and magically make them good! And if the magic of harmony isn't available, you normies threaten and break us down piece by piece, until conforming to your ways is all we have left! Take Discord for instance, born into a world that did not understand him. But would you ponies accept him for who he is? Did you think he might have been happier being his natural born self? No, you imprisoned him in stone and leave the poor bastard essentially buried alive for over a thousand years. Maybe longer if he hadn't broken free."

"You're defending Discord? He was literally turning the world upside down. Putting thousands, if not millions of lives in danger."

"The strong rule while the weak follow, Princey. But I see your point, need another example? A bit more on your level? Alright, I got a good one; See I hooked up with a hot piece-of-tail last year in Baltimare. A Pegasus call-girl by the name of 'Lightning Dust'. After we'd done the deed, several hours later ah-he-he; she told me all about how she'd been kicked out of the Wonderbolt Academy, thanks in no small part to your sister and her friends. Not only that, but after word got out about her 'Endangering the Princess's Student' or something, she was blacklisted from not just the Academy but any job affiliated with the Cloudsdale elite, which if you don't know rules out most of Cloudsdale and beyond. Apparently the opinion of a Princess was worth more than that of a lowly mare who only wanted to prove herself. I don't know if you've ever tried to get a job after years of training to do one job that you then can't do. According to Lightning Dust, its impossible!"

The mention of his sister got Princey's frown back in position. One thing the two of us share, nopony talks bad about our sisters.

"I read about that in the paper; that mare created a tornado that endangered not only the other cadets, but also my sister and her friends. If Rainbow Dash hadn't been there, they would've fallen to their deaths!"

"Oh yes, all those non-flying ponies in that tiny balloon. On an active military base! Without permission! During exercises literally called 'Cloud-Busting'! Your sister and her buddies illegally enter military airspace, and get into an accident because of it... and your telling me its the cadet's fault?! The one who's assignment was to 'clear the skies'. Because of your holier than thou sister and pals, Lightning lost her home, all her possessions and was forced to service dirt-bags like me to eat another day."

"Well, I guess you have a heart after all." There he goes again, avoiding the issue!

"That's all you've got to say? No gasp? No cries of 'Oh why sister? Why?'" Wow, and I though I was cold.

"I'll admit it sounds like this mares had a bad way of things. But as you'll soon find, actions have consequences. Lightning Dust was reckless and she paid for it with her career; I'm sure if she apologized to Twilight and the others she could get her second chance, like all... offenders."
Villain! I can see it in his eyes, he was going to say villain. Did my jaw hit the floor? No, it passed the floor a while ago, I'm pretty sure its hit bedrock by now.

"Apologize?! After your sister screwed up, you want the real victim to smash her last bit of pride, walk up to the ones who ruined her, hat in hoof and beg for forgiveness!"

"Most ponies who truly have no other options would do that in a heartbeat!"

"As a pony who's been in that position, We'd Rather Die!"

And back to the silence. Look at me becoming all sentimental, I'm actually starting to miss ol'Dusty. I wonder how she's doing.
After a brief pause where he shuffled the papers into a manila folder, Princey spoke up.

"How long were you a call-girl?" I wanted to keep a stern face so bad, but I couldn't help it. I laughed, and hoped beyond hope that it wouldn't debase the point I was trying to make. Its sad really, after I've retired I might actually miss this clown. "For the record, I'm sorry your friend's life has gone the way it has."

"Well I wouldn't really call her a friend per-say; I kinda dined and dashed while she was asleep if you know what I mean." This guys expression yo-yo'd back and forth so much today, he'll definitely need an aspirin later.

"Well then what was the point of that story in the first place!"

"Because Princey; I could list of the many failings of your preconceived notions of black and white, good and evil, heroes and villains till the sun goes down. You wanna hear about your sisters biggest fuck-up? Track down 'The Great and Powerful Trixie', boy does she have some stories to tell. But my point is this, your kind brainwashes my kind with empty promises of a better life or in some cases with magic rainbow beams; You claim to represent friendship, you hold yourselves up on a pedestal, so high you can no longer see the droves of people you claim to represent."

"Enough about Princess Twilight, Shimmer! Now let's wrap this up, we've got papers to process and you've got a cell-block full of friends waiting on you. Why do you care so much about ponies being reformed? This world would be a much better place if we all stood for friendship and unity instead of living for the self." I can agree with that, this inane jibber-jabber has gone on long enough.

"Oh would you open your eyes Princey! Your kind deems yourselves as the way 'things are supposed to be' and anypony who doesn't embrace friendship or meet your worth, must be evil and there for persecuted until they change. Without ever considering that we like who we are. No, if your kind says we're evil for being ourselves then we must change! And what you fail to realize is that your kind needs my kind as much as we need yours!" Shiny waved a hoof at the window, probably signalling somepony on the other side and turn to face me.

"You've got a minute... Why do ponies who follow Princess Celestia's rules need ponies who break them?"

And here we are; the million bit question at last. I'll admit I was hoping to drag this out a tad longer, but he found the right question faster than I had expected.

"..."

I pity he'll never find out the answer.
Inside my skull I can feel the all too familiar sensation of a teleportation spell leeching out and washing over me; Odd, the unicorn I hired in case the plan went belly-side wasn't supposed to do this for a few more hours but if this made for a good exit, who was I to complain.
And yet, something feels wrong. The magic is almost familiar yet different. Like a sensation I'd long since forgotten and am experiencing again after so long a time.
I hadn't felt something like this since the first time Sunset... Oh my Celestia!

My laughter was instantaneous, loud to where I wouldn't be surprised if the other inmates heard me. A black aura surrounded my person. Vaguely I could see Princey leap back in surprise as the door behind me swings open, revealing several heavily armed ponies no doubt. But I didn't care. I was getting out of jail early, just not the way I had originally planned.

"Sorry Armor, but my rides here! A different driver maybe, but if it means I don't have to look at that corn kernel stuck in your teeth, its still worth it. See you in the funny pages..."

Sunset, my dear sister.

"I'm coming home..."

And on that note, I was away. No more Princey, no more chains and no reforming spells. My world became a pageant of bright lights and colors; and I face it all with a grin that would not fade. I could feel my sisters pull much clearer, the closer I drew to her.
Can you say 'deus ex machina'? My favorite term in the Equish language.

If this doesn't put me in the history books, nothing will.

Author's Note

Read and Review. Well clearly you've already read it or else why are you down here? Hell, there's a point. Why do folks write read and review at the bottom when they have to read to get to this part in the first place? I've never stopped and thought about that till now. Oh well, derp de do. :derpytongue2:

Interior Design (For Your State of Mind)

When I first planned my daring escape from one of the most... moderately well-guarded prisons in all of Equestria. At no point did I take into consideration that my emergency teleport to freedom, would result in my person being sent tumbling across a vile puke-green carpet, nearly getting set alight by several poorly placed candles and rolling headfirst into what appeared to be a second-hoof dresser. As I'd told Shining Ass-hat mere hours ago, I know a thing or two about interior design.
I have the strangest hobbies.

Of course, by the laws of comedy, a lamp fell over which knocked over a series of picture frames which hit a vase which promptly fell on my head. Hilarious.

xxx

I regained consciousness several hours later in a daze. Rubbing my now bandaged and wildly throbbing forehead, I found that I'd been moved away from the decrepit dresser to a maroon couch that looked as though it'd seen its fair share of nights in a dank back alley.
Having lived on the street for the better part of a year before I'd truly honed my craft, I can confirm that an abandoned couch makes for a excellent bed. Although in my experience the couch was either taken by another homeless bum or infested with parasites. And believe you me, I have zero tolerance for anything that's small and feeds on me in my sleep. Little jumping bastards.

The apartment I found myself in was well-lived if nothing else. From my place on the stained maroon couch, the wall it faced had a black box with wires coming out that fed into the wall, and a small wooden coffee table. Ahead of me was a door and the dresser I'd crashed into; not one of my more grandiose entrances. Also a ring of black dust on the floor with an all too familiar symbol in the middle. A sun split in half. My sisters cutie mark, which was also the back portion of mine. Though mine had a broken heart over it; so clearly whatever ritual had been performed, I think I could guess whom the caster might be.
The area behind the couch was where the place really opened up; pictures on the walls, a cabinet full of drawers and more pictures on top. A hallway with multiple doors on both sides and most unique, an open kitchen with a breakfast bar and stools separating one room for the other.

Again, I'm an interior design whore. And yet that's still not my weirdest kink.
'...'
'...'
This place could really use some flowers. Maybe that's what the vase was for?

Even more surprising was the well dressed monkey that walked in from the hall; I maybe would have noticed that earlier, but you know... the room and all. And it was holding an ice pack in its... hands? So I guess its a very considerate monkey. Oddly enough, the monkey looked equally surprised to see me. Or at least it did for a moment before it barreled over the couch and ungracefully dived onto me... for a hug? Strange, most animals usually run away when they see me.

"Light; Oh Celestia I'm so happy to see you!" And it talks! Less than a minute of consciousness and I'm being hugged by a talking monkey in people clothes. Perhaps that blow to the head got me harder than I thought, or maybe I'm being violated in a cell-block right now and this was just my way of dealing with it. Seems like something my mind would come up with.

The monkey grabbed my face with its doodads and looked straight at me with its big blue shiny eyes. Familiar eyes. Eyes I could swear I've seen before, a long time ago in a distant memory. Like a far forgotten dream drifting along the periferie of my subconscious.
Shakesbeard be damned, I'm the real poet in this monkey house!

"Light, its me Sunny. Remember, your sister?"

By Celestia's tasty flanks; Somepony made a monkey outta my sister!

"Sunset?"

And back to the hugging. At least now it actually meant something, besides the awkwardness of having hugged an ape. My dear sister, here! Alive and well. Ecstatic does not do my attitude in this situation justice. Naturally I returned the hug tenfold. Although something felt... off about it.

"Sunny?! I can't believe it. You're... You're..."

"Here Light! I'm here, and I'm so happy to see you." Indeed she was, underneath this peculiar monkey exterior was my bright eyed and bushy tailed... Wait. Why couldn't I feel my tail? Short answer, it was gone.

Bringing my hooves to my face I was shocked to find my hooves, weren't hooves anymore. And the rest of me?! Don't even get me started on the rest of me! Now as you can probably imagine, my reaction to this was calm, collected, subdued and... your not buying this for one second are you? Alright fine, I freaked the fuck out!

"Now Light, try not to freak out, you see..."

"FUUUUUUCK!" See, told ya.

My fur, almost nonexistent save for a few patches here and there! My glorious red and yellow mane was much shorter at the back, now just a messy clump on my head. My Earth-Pony muscles were almost half their original size. And speaking of half the size, my stallionhood...

"SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" I've heard of shrinkage when under stress but dear Luna! What kind of sick, horrible, twisted world was this anyway?!

I knocked Sunny to the other side of the couch in my mad scramble to stand, after which I promptly fell flat on my ass. This must have scared her because in her mad dash to get to me, she slipped on the discarded ice pack, fell forward and unfortunately, knocked me right in the bandage. Breaking out of prison has always been a headache for me but this was just too much.

xxx

(STOLEN) From the Journal of Prince Princey Shining Armor (12/15/03:AN)

Dear Journal: Would it be safe to call this day the biggest failure in my military career? Given the many failings I have had to live with under my belt, it would be a particularly bold claim.
What with the 'Changeling Invasion of Canterlot' taking place at my wedding.
My almost marrying a Changeling Queen during the aforementioned wedding.
Not realizing my fiancee had been abducted before the wedding.
Allowing my sister to be ponynapped by said Queen near the wedding.
... Basically allot of bad things befell my wedding day.

And that's not getting into the times the Crystal Empire almost fell; the audience almost getting crushed during the Equestria Games and losing my magic to Tirek and that traitorous Discord! With all that in mind; its hard not to question my real worth as a leader.
I knew what I was getting into when I chose to pursue a relationship with Cadance, and yet... Sometimes I wonder if I'm really capable of handling the role I've been given. I mean really? Me? A prince? I never asked for this yet I knew it would be something I'd have to deal with.
In my hooves I hold the lives of not just a city of ponies, but an entire pony race. Almost an endangered species even!
The crystal ponies depend on mine and Cadance's leadership. So why is it that when I took the responsibility of returning one of Equestria's worst criminals, I let him escape!

Not on purpose you understand. But it was long after we had collected and completed the offenders psych-profile that he had made his escape. A feat that we are still attempting to understand. The perpetrator quite literally vanished in a black haze, that means magic was involved and powerful magics at that. A situation made all the more confusing simply because the perp in question, is an Earth-Pony.
Their strength may be unparalleled, but an escape from magic restrictive shackles, in a dungeon made of crystal, underground! Such a manoeuvre has never been achieved before.

Our in-court mages scoured the interrogation room within which he had been held, from top to bottom. But unfortunately, whatever traces of magical residue they had found were, for lack of a better term, completely alien to them. Were it not for common sense, our mages would likely have spend the past three hours debating the existence of life and magic beyond the stars. Fortunately for all concerned, that didn't happen.

The prisoner in question... 'Daylight Shimmer'; Many a mares own personal demon. Had been, and I'm ashamed to admit this, a fellow student at Canterlot Academy, the high-school I attended many years ago. Even now, I still remember the way he used to treat anypony that got too close. I think that was probably the reason the thugs of the school turned their attention on me and my friends back in the day. They tried some of their tricks on Shimmer at first and... well, lets just say they wouldn't try a stunt like that again. A stay in Canterlot General gives a pony ample time to think, but for whatever reason, be it fear or otherwise, they never turned him in.

I don't know if Daylight kept up this wall of his to protect himself, maybe because of his home life, or to stay strong for his sister. Really, who could say? Whatever the case may be; the same day his cutie mark sprouted up on his flank, was the day his life as a somewhat innocent pony came to an end. A heart, cracked in half and surrounded by a blazing sun of red and yellow. Identical to his sister's actually.
Cutie marks have always stood for what a pony is best suited for. I protect those in need. Cadance embodies love itself. Twilight is a master of magic and Celestia raises the sun that keeps our world alive. All important and all for the good of everypony. But his mark? A broken heart within his sisters cutie-mark? What could it mean?

Before his escape, I asked Daylight why he believes ponies who follow Princess Celestia's rules need ponies who break them. He disappeared before he could answer. The guy acts as though ponies like myself and Twilight are no better then those we punish. Taking a stance against the Elements of Harmony being used on the likes of Discord and Nightmare Moon I can sort of understand. Even to Celestia the effects that the Elements have on those they are used against are still a source of mystery even to this day, hence why they are treated as a last resort. But then he brought up ponies that, in his eyes, have been wronged by, as he put it, my kind.
I've decided to dig a little deeper into the mares he mentioned to me, if nothing else, to sate my curiosity. If ponies were suffering due to the actions of either myself or ponies I know, ponies who I might add, I would never accuse of such things without good reason. It is my duty as both a guard and a prince of Equestria to see that these claims of crimes, are investigated and resolved. And while I have my doubts given where these claims originated, a little side investigation couldn't hurt.

In the mean time, the Crystal Guard will continue their search throughout the Empire to find and recapture the escapee as well as any who may have aided in his escape.

It has been a long day, and I'm tired.
You know, its funny really. Today was the first day I'd actually spoken to Daylight Shimmer. He has a Trottingham accent. I never would have guessed.

xxx

Waking up the familiar strangle hold of Deja-vu, I once again found myself on the couch in what I could only assume was my sisters apartment. Either that or it's her boyfriend's place? Dear Luna I hope not! I don't wanna kill anyone yet, I just got here. Or perhaps her girlfriend? Annnnnd that's taking me down a bad train of thought; I don't need to be thinking of my sister crouched over another weird monkey-girl-thing, all sweaty and moaning and thrusting and... No! Fuck you brain, think of something else! Quick!

... I should repaint this place, I'm thinking a nice ocean blue with some laminate flooring. Maybe rip out this dirty old carpeting and... Really gods above, I couldn't get a cutie-mark in design?! No, instead I get a mark that looks more like a prison tattoo.
Funny, I never actually got one of those. I was never in there long enough to find out how.

I must say though, when you look past the chipped white ceiling and the stained furniture the place was actually kind of cosy. Not that it matters much, as soon as Sunset comes back from wherever she's disappeared to, we can port back to the real Equestria and from there its back to the retirement plan. Sandy beaches, here we come. Maybe we'll party in the Ibex Nation? Or heck, we could stop off in Zebrica. I never did make it with a Giraffe, always chickened out at the last minute, they're just so tall... but damn they have some fine legs.

Speaking of which; I didn't notice before, what with the whole body horror moment and all, but I'm wearing clothes. Which is especially weird considering I wasn't wearing any when I was ported here. Did Sunny put these on me? Or does her spell come with added modesty?
After a few agonizing minutes I was able to stand upright without falling. Hazarding a feel of my head, I noticed that my bandage had been replaced. That was nice of her.
Now as for these clothes, judging by my reflection in the kitchen mirror. My face... is still gorgeous. Though my hair was an unruly mess.
I wore some fancy black shoes, I could only imagine what my back hooves looked like for such weirdly shaped shoes. Black pants and a matching black vest over a white shirt. A red tie, which I loosened bloody fast, I'm allot of things but I'm no stiff. And a tan duster coat over it all. With a small version of my cutie-mark on both collars?
How strange. I mean really, why did I just self-explain everything I was wearing? It seemed important before but now, kinda pointless. Maybe Armor was right, I do need help.

Nah.

I heard somepony yawn as a door opened somewhere down the hall. Sunset stumbled around the corner of the kitchen entrance, rubbing her tired eyes; gone were her black jacket and other clothes, instead she wore what appeared to be thin purple pajamas and... bunny slippers.
All with her cutie-mark on them... seriously what the fuck? Why does everything we wear have our marks on them? This is starting to bother me.

Sunset blinked her red bloodshot eyes a couple times, before they grew wide and she dashed right at me.

"Wait!" I threw my arms out in defense, awaiting the possible head trauma that could follow. Apparently Sunset got the message as she ground to a halt less than two steps in front of me. "Before we get back the teary hugs and memories of times long since past, please try to avoid the head. Mom and dad always said I was thick skulled, but even the heaviest wall must yield eventually."

Sunset awkwardly took a step back and held her arms around her waist, looking away.

"I'm sorry."

Well shit. How could I resist that forlorn puppy dog expression? Call me sappy but... yeah I hugged her. Which she was happy to return.

"Meh, don't worry about it. You headbutt about as hard as dad, and that guys got a skull made of glass." Its true, one time in a fit of whisky fueled rage, the git tried to butt heads with me and knocked himself out. I'd be angrier about that, except I stole his wallet afterwards. Bought myself a carton of smokes and a lady-boy hooker. Yes I said Lady-boy, believe me I didn't know at the time. Worst Pranksgiving Ever.

"Lets not talk about dad... or mom actually." I could agree with that, the less said about them, the better. "Six years of hell before I moved into the castle, even longer for you."

What is 'hell'?

"And now here you are Sunny; all grown up and pretty as ever. Kinda surprised you look 'this' different but hey, who am I to judge."
Sunset looked herself over and then back at me, liked she'd forgotten for a minute that, 'Oh yeah, we're monkeys now.'

"Oh... right. Sorry about that too. You see, when a pony comes to this world, a sort of change happens. Basically our bodies adapt to fit in with the environment and native species. They're called 'Humans' by the way." Wow trippy. Guess I owe that Unicorn in Ponyville a few bits.
"Don't ask about the clothes, I was wearing mine when I arrived here too and I still can't figure out the how and why." Got it, don't ask about the clothes.

"Okay sis, listen. I have a ton of questions so, can we flip through these real fast so we can get back to the whole, 'big hugs and warm memories deal'? Cause that sounds pretty nice about now." Sunset looked up at me and grinned. I hadn't noticed till now, (a phrase I'll probably be using a lot), that Sunny was actually shorter than me. The top of Sunny's head reached my shoulder. Just like old times.

"You got it Light. Quick fire round... Go!" Me and Sunny used to do this all the time back when she was preparing for her entrance exams and I was working hard to not get forced into summer-school. Seriously, Fuck high-school!

"Okay, ummm... How did you get here? To this world I mean."
"Through a magic mirror that lets out at the base of the statue outside my school."

I'll make note of that for later.

"How did you buy an apartment? You must have been only twelve at the youngest when you came here."
"I lived in the high-school for a few months till I turned thirteen and enrolled myself, I brought this place with gems I borrowed from home and sold. I told the landlord I was a midget and he let me rent the place right away. I guess he didn't wanna seem bigoted cause he didn't even ask me for proof of age or anything. Humans are weird when their reputation is on the line."

Not to mention their livelihood. But playing to a ponies... I mean humans fears and weakness. And adapting to a bad situation. Clever girl.

"How did you bring me here?"
"I haven't been able to use my teleport-to-you spell since Celestia put a block on my horn, so I couldn't run off and find you, after you left By The Way," I had a feeling she'd be pissed about that. Still, she seemed to move past it, for now at least. "So instead I reversed the spell. Instead of bringing me to you, it did the opposite. All I needed was a few Equestrian runes, written in black ash. Some candles for focusing and my own personal magic touch."

So there's magic in this world too. Interesting.

"Wait, so you can still do magic without your horn?"
"I get my magic from the power of friendship." Straight faced. She actually said that sentence with a straight face. Please, to whichever all-powerful being is listening, don't let my sister be a believer in harmony. "You see, my friends get their magic in different ways. Pinkie Pie gets it when she's happy. Rainbow Dash when she's excited. Rarity when she's being creative. And so on... but mine comes from when I feel close to my friends... and you, well you're the first friend I ever had."

Why do her friends names sound so familiar? Maybe its the repeated blows to the head, but I could swear I've heard the name 'Rainbow Dash' recently. But in what context?

"Why have you never come home to Equestria?" Let's see if she's being honest.
"I... Oh Light, I'm so ashamed." Great now she's upset again. Way to go, Daylight!

Sunny sank to her knees, burying her head in her hands. "While you were off building better lives for the Zebrican's; I became a bitter and cynical she-demon inside. I ran away from Celestia's teachings and bullied and threatened a whole school when I arrived here." That's my girl.

"Then I betrayed all of Equestria! I stole Princess Twilight's crown and tried to lead an army to attack Equestria. And I turned into a real She-Demon on the outside!" I actually didn't know that part. Gotta say, once again I'm impressed. My baby sister leading an army against Sun-Butt, its almost enough to bring a tear to the eye. Apparently it was enough to bring tears to hers as she bawled into her hands. Tossing aside my own manly pride, I sat on the cold tiled floor and pulled her over to me and naturally Sunny latched on like an octopus. I hate seeing her upset, though I have to admit, I missed feeling needed for something other than a heist or a shake-down.

"And even after everyone I hurt, Twilight still forgave me and cured me with her magic..."

I spaced out after that part.

Twilight Sparkle! Twilight Bucking... no, actually screw the kiddie swears, 'fucking' Sparkle! There we go. Used her magical 'Element of Harmony' bull-shit, on 'My Baby Sister!' I couldn't believe it! Still can't! She brainwashed my sister with fucking rainbow-happy-beams! How dare she! How Dare She! I thought Sunny seemed clingier since I got here, but I didn't get why until now.

"... and without my friends there to support me. I never would've made it. But I promise you, Light. I'll find a way to redeem myself and face Celestia again, somehow... someday."

My sister was always a sweetheart, but she had a bad-girl side that saved her cute little butt more times than I can bare to think. It saved her from being a pushover. It let her stand up to mom and dad during those rare moments when I wasn't there. It gave her the skills to be underhanded and get ahead in the world. That's what was missing. That edge she held before, that drive to be better and improve. Now, she was just this brainwashed monkey with a misguided belief in friendship and harmony. Completely dependent on other people, and without them... she turned into this sad empty shell.

Oh Sunny, what have those harmony worshiping conformists done to you?!

"Bro-bro? Can you ever forgive me?" Oh Luna, she actually held my hooves... I mean hands in hers and looked me straight in the eye. What is this, poorly written community theater?! Well, better start acting. Big smile, and...

"It's alright Sunny. Of course I forgive you. You're my best friend and you always will be. Nothing will change that."
I wasn't lying, but fuck did I ever hate talking like that. I wanted to tell her that she'd had her brains scrambled by her purple mountain majesty... yes that was a fat joke. But I couldn't know what her reaction might be. Discord used to be my idol. The very definition of, 'It's okay to be different. Be who you want to be and not what society tells you to be.' But now, if anypony talks bad about Sparkle-Butt or her friends, the guy reacts like a dog on a leash. Whipped, I guess you could call him. So who knew what Sunny might do. No, this will require a different approach.

As my words sunk in, Sunny leapt into another hug, knocking us both to the floor. Normally I'd be okay with this, but Sunny's deformed state of mind at the hooves of ponies I despise has me too enraged to enjoy the squishy human hug. Took everything I had not to sprout a frown that would give King Sombra the shakes.

"I just can't believe it was all for nothing."

"Huh?" That caught my attention. "What are you talking about?"

"Anon-a-Miss!" Damn! Looks like Sunny's still got some venom after all. She practically spit those words out.

"Is that one of your human phrases?" Her glare at the floor told me... it was not.

"No. She... or he's the one who's... Who's Ruining My Life!" Holy Shattered Ear Drums, Bat-Mane!

"Whoa! Okay calm down Sunny!" I grab her arms and force her to face me. "Now explain to me, slowly and calmly. Who's trying to ruin your life?" Sunny took a deep breath and sat in front of me, cross-legged? How'd she do that?

"Alright... It started about a week ago. You see, ever since Twilight and her friends stopped me and became my friends," Don't vomit, don't frown, just listen. "I've been working hard, day after day to make things right with everyone at the school. Later I'll even tell you about the time I helped stop a group of rampaging sirens."

"I hope you do." I really do. Sounds like a fun weekend.

"Anyway, after the siren incident, people at the school were finally starting to like me, aside from my usual group of friends. I was happy, and I felt so accepted. I was spending more time with my friends and... I didn't feel so alone anymore. But then one day, after a sleepover at Pinkie Pie's house, this... Anon-a-Miss just popped up online and spread a personal secret about our friend Applejack."

Online? What line? And what was the secret? Not that I care, I'm just a sucker for embarrassing secrets.

"After that it only got worse, Anon-a-Miss started spreading secrets and rumors about each of my friends everyday. Then to makes matters worse-er still, the students started sending rumors and secrets about everyone else to Anon-a-Miss."

Blackmail, slander and revenge most foul. Dear Luna, I have got to get a drink with this Anon-a-Miss! Sounds like my kinda human. And I have to say, from a professionals point of view, this is an impressive spiral of self-inflicted, self-indulgent, self-destructive defamation.
Ingenious really, this Anon-a-Miss human, starts the proverbial ball rolling with a few strong talking points and then, when it gains headway, the others outside looking in throw-in their own contributions, most likely seeking to become a part of the drama, to a point where these 'others' are the ones doing the real work. And all Anon-a-Miss has to do is pass it along. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant.

"And then they all turned the blame on me!"

And now it is no longer brilliant.

"What are you talking about?" Serious face, back on.

"M-My friends, they turned on me. They said... t-they said it was my fault! That I'm the one spreading their secrets. They said I hadn't changed. Light, they accused me of being Anon-a-Miss!" Sunny sobbed into my chest, it took me a minute to register that she'd even hugged me. My previous admiration had been replaced with blinding rage. Some (and lets not beat around the bush here) Dead Mother-Fucker! Had the audacity to blame their crimes on my sister! Fuck no, they did not do that! Nopony could be stupid enough to incur my wrath!

"Now everyone at school hates me! M-misses Cake won't let me in her cafe anymore. Anon-a-Miss is still out there and the worst part is I can't ask Princess Twilight for help, because some students took my journal." Urge to kill, rising! Rising! Rising!

"You were robbed!" How I managed that sentence through my anger shakes I'll never know. Sunny turned away from me, but I wasn't having any of that! I turned her around to face me, I suppose I still retained some of my Earth-Pony strength because she put up very little resistance.

"Sunny! You'd better be completely honest with me! Don't sugar coat it and don't cover for anypony! Now tell me... Did They Hurt You?!" Waiting with bated breath. This is the definition right here.

My guts did a triple somersault as her head slowly rose and fell in a nod.

Looks like I'll have to put those retirement plans on hold... for now.

Author's Note

Well that just happened. Now I'm gonna go watch the Civil War trailer again. Does that date this? Meh, who cares.
'Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can...'

Memories (Both Good and Bad)

Saints of the divine! A more glorious sight I have never seen. Hooves to the heavens; for I have bared witness to the pinnacle of creation.

"SUNSET! Sunset, Come Here. Quick!"

The sound of clattering plastic bottles was followed closely by a door flying open and rapid hoof-steps dashing down a somewhat vacant hall. Sunny ran up the the back of the couch, dripping wet and wrapped in a white towel she held shut round her midsection. Why do humans even wear clothes in the first place?

"What! What is it?"

After Sunny's crying session last night I'd opted to change the subject. I asked about this, 'Online' thing she spoke of, and well... suffice it to say, she opened up a whole new world to me. That's what? The second time she's done that, in one day. The things I've seen on this laptop, computer box is nothing short of amazing. Historical records, music of all nations, technological advancements unheard of in our Equestria, shopping, videos of humans banging like the monkeys they are. Did allot of research on that last night, wink-wink. That and so much more led to me getting around, oh I'd say, an hour of sleep at best.

But this, this blew all of that out the water.

"It's a Cat playing a Keyboard!" The single most amazing thing ever! Yet for some unknown reason, she didn't seem impressed. Because of the wet hair in her eyes? Yeah, that must be it. Maybe I should play it again?

I'm gonna play it again.

Sunset was not amused. She looked like she wanted to say something, or swear given her expression; twice she marched off in a huff only to stride back with renewed vigor. Better change the subject, she doesn't find a cat playing a keyboard interesting, somehow? What about this?

"Okay, check this out... Look, Charlie bit his finger!" Now that's humor. And it makes you think.

Sunny's expression changed to a small smile.

"Bro, how long have you been surfing the net?" You can go surfing with a net? What will these humans think of next.

"Oh I'm not really one for swimming. But this 'Online Inter-Web' is fascinating. Its like the worlds most well assembled library; Millions of books, Art, Technology, Games, and the videos... oh so many videos. Any information you want with a few clicks and button taps. If I were you, I'd would never stop using this." When Sunny first showed me, I had to ask if this device was legal. This would make crime so much simpler.

"Yes well, I have school." That brings up an interesting point.

"Hey listen," Turning back I noticed she's starting to shiver. "This whole... going to school deal. When you got here, you knew as much about this place, as I do now. But you've had about, what? Six years to learn what you need to know. And now, with this Anon-a-Miss character and you getting beaten and mugged; I have to ask, why do you still go back there?"

Uh-oh, a sad sigh. When its from a family member, (one I actually like.) That is never a good sign. Sunny looked away, her wet person forming a damp circle on the carpet.

"Oh no; Sister dear. Don't tell me..."

She's gonna tell me something I don't wanna hear.

"Light, they're my friends!" Celestia be damned, I knew it! And I responded the way I do to most infuriatingly stupid things... well okay, the second way I respond. I wasn't about to stomp on my sisters head like I would a dying fox stuck in a bear trap. No, instead I started pacing.

"Sunny... You are my sister. And I love you, I really do. But... your loyalty to these, these... traitors. Is nothing short of brainless!" Sunset reached out to me with her spare hand but I batted it away. I was in no mood for her indoctrinated, friendship and harmony crap!

All night, in-between the numerous distractions the inter-web has to offer, and believe me there are a lot. I searched for a quick fix. I searched through so many possibilities magic or otherwise, yet none were viable. Too many dangling threats and/or dead ends. Too many variables.

Money was an ever present issue. Apparently the monetary cost of reprogramming far outweighs the consequences faced by the victim.
And ponies say I'm the criminal. This was the best kind of evil, the kind that can hide in plain sight behind a veil of righteous intent.
"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." Something that came up on the 'Online'. Wise words indeed.

Another was the state of this world's magics, or lack thereof. I've sifted through pages upon pages of urban legends and slight-of-hand parlor tricks, and... that's all there is. Nothing about spells or hexes, although those would be off the table regardless, (Former Earth-Pony and all.)
No counter charms or wards to place, and time-travel? Pure fiction. Wherever my sister and her friends get their magic, its not from here.

So with all that in mind. What is a 'human' to do? My sister is a brainwashed puppet, so dependent on her friends that she'd take them back after all this! After a betrayal of this magnitude. She would still take them back. Fuck, she probably wouldn't even demand an apology. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she gave them one, for whatever reason.

Fortunately I know the truth. I know she doesn't mean to be this way.
My sister would never take it on the chin like this.
My sister would fight back.
My sister would make them pay.

Thank Luna I was told how to clear my browsing history. Guess Sunny's worried about what I might find. In her state of mind there's no telling what she might do if she found out who I really am, or what I'm trying to do.
Maybe if she was acting herself? Who could say? Perhaps. She'd certainly be more willing to return to Equestria with me. But if what she's saying is her real honest truth, then even after I find and (discretely) 'dispose' of this Anon-a-Miss, she'll still want to stay here.

Here! As in 'not with me'.

Oh, nonononono! That is something I cannot allow. It isn't fair to her or me.

I did not work through day after agonizing day for the last ten years of my life, scrimping and saving every ill-gotten payment and stolen fortune, double-crossing every ally and partner I came into contact with... only to lose my sister at the final hurdle, to Twilight Fucking Sparkle!
It seemed so close! Our escape from our shitty life at home. My chance to make up for so much lost time between us. Our dream, the one we'd talked about all those nights; when mom and dad were tearing the house apart and I was trying to put Sunny to bed and guard her door at the same time.

Our dream is what got us through.

A beach. A big house. And fun, All The Time! I promised her these things, and I intended to deliver in full. Its the least she deserves.
I will fix her. I'll do everything I can to make this right. I won't lose it all, because a prissy purple princess decided that my sister would be better off as harmony's personal bitch! Fuck that!

And if I can't fix this... maybe there's another way. But one thing at a time; first things first, Anon-a-Miss needs to die. Quietly and without witnesses. A quick one-two punch. Even then, that's not much good if I can't find my target. To do that, I need to get inside Sunny's school.

"Light, please. I know your mad at them. I am too." Of that I am highly doubtful Sunny. "But you have to understand; I had nopony. Facing a world where I finally understood how alone I really am... or was. Where my family had all abandoned me and I had nopony to turn too, my friends were there for me. And I need them now, just as much as I need you."

A guilt trip. From a place of truth of course, but I'm not the kind of pony who'll take something like that, no matter its legitimacy. Sorry about this Sunny, I'll make up for it a thousand times once we're back in Equestria.

"Abandoned? You wanna talk abandoned? Okay then, lets talk about how I admittedly left you, yes I did do that, but in the care of Princess Celestia. The ruler of a nation. In her giant castle, safe from mom and dad's drunken hooves. Now school was going nowhere for me, thanks in no small part to a home life that make the conditions in Zebrica look down right tolerable. So you know what I did? I went out and I signed on with the peace core." I'm lying to her for her own good. Just have to keep telling myself that.

"I worked till my hooves cracked, all day under Celestia's burning sun, because I wanted to make you proud." More lies. But at least that got a reaction. And a good one at that. If there was such a thing as emotional boxing, that hit would've been a low blow. "Should I have written to you? Believe me I tried. Maybe said something before I left? Yes of course I should've. But I couldn't do it."

"Well why didn't you?" Sunny's voice was quieter than before.

"Because you were my only friend. And if I'd had to look you in the eye and tell you I'd be gone for as long as I was, I don't think I could've left." Well at least that's the truth. "But I wanted to show you, prove to you that other people don't define who you are. That it's the choices we make and the willingness to stand up for those choices, that make us who we are. And finally, I wanted to come home one day and take you away, to a better life. Like we always talked about."

Realization hit Sunset like so many emotional punches, each in quick succession. Had she truly forgotten the dream? Was my sister really that far gone?

"The big house, by the beach. You said we'd learn to swim, and..."

"And play." Can't let her forget that.

"Yeah, and have fun all the time." Sunset offered a weak smile. "I haven't thought about that in years."

"Its all I thought about... and its actually what I was thinking about, when you snatched me from the train." And we're back to the lies. Sunset looked surprised by this. Guess she hadn't thought about where I might have been when she ported me. That'll make this tale easier to tell.

"Oh, I assumed you knew. What with you casting the spell and all. I was on the Canterlot Express, traveling back to stuffy old Canterlot to visit my baby sister." Ohhh, and its a knock-out.

"You were?" Don't grin, don't give it away.

"Of course I was. I came back because... well. I missed you." And now an innocent smile to finish her off. Why does it hurt my face?

Hugs, we're hugging. While she's in a towel. And dripping wet.

Now while I've nothing against a hug and as for the towel, we never wore clothes in Equestria so I couldn't care less about that. But I detest wet clothing. Years of occasionally sleeping in the rain showed me that.

"I missed you too, Light." Backing up I noticed she'd left a wet imprint of herself on my coat, but she didn't seem to care. "That's actually one of the reasons I brought you here. You see, every year I've spent Hearths Warming alone. Called Christmas here, by the way. And I thought... maybe we could spend it here together." Hmmm, what a charming notion. Hearths Warming is only two weeks away. That would give me ample time to hunt down Anon-a-Miss, and possibly turn my sister around to the idea of leaving.

"Two things I gotta say Sunset; One, another reason why I came to visit was to spend the holidays with you." Sunny smiled ear to ear, I knew that'd get on her good side. "And two..."

"Yeah?"

"Your towel's falling." During the impromptu hug, the top of her towel had fallen to where her hand was holding it shut. Why this made her shriek and run back to the bathroom, I have no idea. Must be a human thing. From the bathroom I could hear her shouting.

"Light, you jerk! Why didn't you tell me!" I thought I just did.

"Hey Sunny."

"What?!"

"Why do you have udders?"

I had to dive over the couch to avoid the barrage of shower bottles that were thrown my way. Yeesh, what have I done wrong now?
Well, at least she wasn't crying. And after yesterdays trauma, I'd consider this a step in the right direction.

xxx

(STOLEN) From the Journal of Prince Shining Armor Ass-Hat (12/16/03:AN)

Dear Journal: Its official, the Canterlot Special Crimes Division is furious with us. A prisoner escaping from jail is a serious offense in of itself; But it is the how and the circumstances surrounding his escape that has the 'CSCD' in an uproar.

They are accusing the Crystal Empire Guard of taking bribes, shady dealings and internal corruption. They're accusing 'My' ponies, my citizens of freeing Daylight Shimmer, and that myself and Cadance are, or were, involved. Given that we attended the same school as the escapee, I can understand where they might reach that conclusion. A wanted criminal escapes from a high security prison, within an empire ruled over by two of his former school mates.

The logic is definitely there. Although what sort of motives they might charge us with is beyond me.

No doubt Princess Celestia will be informed; here's hoping she can talk some sense into her ponies. Even now, we've received word that a team of internal investigators will be departing for my empire in a matter of days. We'll do what we can to locate Daylight before they arrive and alleviate any mistrust between our societies.
The crystal ponies hold themselves and Cadance in the highest regard, and I'd hate to see what might happen if a team of outsiders come in and start throwing around wild accusations.
Maybe it's their old fashioned nature, but when their fair and just leader is threatened, the crystal ponies will defend their home and leaders to the death. Makes you wonder really, maybe if Sombra had treated them better, maybe he'd still be sitting atop the throne today.

Our search for Daylight has uncovered one lead. Witnesses interviewed by our task-force for bringing him in, revealed that a second pony, a unicorn with a distinctive dotted line and 'X' cutie-mark, arrived with Daylight two days ago and that the two were sighted in a tavern near the edge of the inner circle.
The task-force should be moving in for a speedy arrest as I write this entry.

We can only hope this pony has some information we can use.

xxx

I successfully coaxed Sunny out of the bathroom and, after a period of awkward glances and somewhat rude mutterings, we set out the front door to start the day. From what I'd heard of Sunny's school life, letting her walk to and from her school alone was not an option. I made myself explicitly clear on that front.

I must say though, Sunny's apartment complex looked like it had seen better days. Its design choice appeared somewhere between the reign of King Sombra and the feather flu plague. What I'm trying to say is, the place looked like shit; Chipped plaster, exposed wood floors, peeling yellow wallpaper and the cliche buzzing of flies against a blue light hanging in the entry way. Sunny deserves better than these squalid surroundings.

As we made our way out the double doors, a grey haired old gentleman who appeared to be well into deaths clutches, hobbled his way through a door marked 'Landlord'. His legs and cane wobbled with each step, it'd be painful to watch if I were a more concerned pedestrian.
But I learned long ago not to misjudge the elderly, if they've got money on their side they can be a force to be reckoned with. Though judging by the state of his establishment, the human's either too ancient or cheap to be much of a problem. On the off chance something might happen of course.

"Sunset my dear. Off to your studies I take it?" Strange, the old human seemed harmless enough; sure he stuttered as he talked and he took what felt like minutes to form a complete sentence, but he didn't seem threatening. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, I'd expected someone a bit more... I dunno, bigger? Balder? Fatter I guess?

"That's right Mr Planter. Me and my brother from... out of town are off to study now." Sunny acted friendly enough to this guy. So much for expectations.

"Oh, well pleased to meet you sir. I swear you midgets grow so fast. Why they call you little people I'll never know." Oh now I get it, he's senile. Well that or a moron.

"The pleasure is all mine good sir. I'm afraid we are a bit pressed for time, so we'd better be off." I shook the old codgers hand, which is still a strange form of greeting; I mean what's so wrong with a good old-fashioned hoof bump?

Anyway, the old man waved us out and we were off down the road. And her building? Just as ugly on the outside. Broken gutters and decrepit brick work were the least of this place's problems. From what I could tell as we trudged through the unkempt snow covered grounds and through the iron gate, I happened to take a passing glance at the buildings base. The side of the building was sinking. Very slowly mind you, and really with a landlord like the old fart back there it's no wonder this problem hadn't been addressed. This has probably been going on for a while.
I could warn the guy... then again, what better excuse could there be for a change of address than ones residence collapsing in on itself. But something told me that could be a ways off. Still, food for thought.

"You know Sunny, I did wonder how you got away with that whole 'midget' excuse." Sunny grinned back at me sheepishly.

"Yeah, about that. See I had to lie for a few years, but after that the landlords mind started to go. I'm glad you caught him on a good day, some days he has no idea where he is. His grandson usually comes round every so often so I wouldn't worry about him." Goody, more people to meet and act nice around. This good guy act may come naturally where Sunny's concerned, but all these other a-holes? I just don't care.

"That's good Sunny. Family is important after all."

"It really is," Sunny turned to me, walking backwards as she talked. How she does that without falling I'll never know. "I'm happy you decided to come with me today. But are you sure you'll be able to remember the way back? I don't think Principle Celestia will like it if a twenty-eight year old is hanging around outside her school. And I get the feeling telling her you're my brother won't count for much right now."

"Sunny, if your Principle has a problem with you than take it from me, she's got..."

And then it registered exactly what Sunny dearest had just said. "Did you say 'Principle Celestia'?" Sunny seemed confused for a moment before it seemed to hit her as well.

"Oh bro, did I forget to tell you? In this world Princess Celestia is a high school principle."

"Your joking... sis please tell me your joking."

Sunny shook her head. Fantastic... just, there are no words to describe the unbridled joy I'm feeling. I'm sure the only thing larger than my grin at this moment is the volume of my laughter. Sunny actually looked scared, although that's probably because I was curled up in a ball on the floor holding my sides.

Princess Celestia. The mare who's image had adorned my dartboard for many of my adolescent years. The pasty white narwhal with an incredible ass who held up a veil of peace and harmony by holding the world hostage with the sun itself... has been downgraded to a meager high-school principle. How's that for poetic justice!
Our Sun-butt holds court with royal delegates, this Sun-butt holds assembly with acne ridden teenagers.
Our Sun-butt eats the finest Equestrian foods, this Sun-butt eats second class cafeteria swill.
Our Sun-butt rules the nation and possibly the world, this Sun-butt rules the faculty lounge.
I don't care if it gets me in trouble. This I have to see for myself.

It took me a few minutes to compose myself, but I'm sorry, hearing that my mortal enemy had been reduced to a minimum wage stooge was nothing short of five star comedy. Sunny however didn't seem to fully grasp the humor in this.

"Bro-bro, are you okay?" I wiped a stray tear from my eye as Sunny helped me to my feet. To say this day has taken a turn for the better would be an understatement.

"Yes, yes... sorry about that Sunny. That came as, somewhat of a shock as you can imagine." Sunny nodded as we continued down the winding streets; quiet suburbia giving way to pathways of people and businesses advertising their wares through window displays.

"It is a tad jarring at first, but you'll get used to it. Who knows, you might meet the human version of somepony you know from Zebrica."
Oh sweet gullible Sunset, you make this nice-guy mask so easy to bare.

"Maybe sis... Maybe." It was more than a little tedious taking note of each street name and easily recognizable shop for the walk back. I just know I'm gonna get lost the first time round. After a few minutes I notice that I had inexplicably become the tallest person on the street; the crowds of people had thinned out to groups of jabbering teenagers. Sunset wearily glanced about at all the young humans and walked much closer to me than she had before. If this is what she was like with me here, I shuddered to think how she must have felt on her own, or what she'll be like in school where I can't protect her.

To our right a grey hand flew forward and smacked Sunny over the back of the head. Sunny winced and placed a hand over her head, before I could intervene two young punks shoved her into my side and proudly strode past. One with orange skin and a picture of a dumbbell on his backpack, the other shorter and fatter one was grey with a... hoofball on his jacket? They have hoofball here? Oh well, I can wonder about that later, right now its time to indulge myself; as my favorite saying goes... Bitches Get Stitches!

"How's it going Anon-a-Miss?! Who's secrets ya gonna give up today?!" The ugly round one had a slight limp in his left leg, most likely from a prior sports injury. That could be a good spot for my opening blow. Sunny's pace dropped ever so slightly, her position next to me withdrawing ever closer to behind me.

"Just leave me alone you guys! I told you, I'm not Anon-a-Miss!" By Discord's Beard! Sunny was really letting these punks talk to her like that? Cowering under their smug, filthy, shit-eating grins. The Sunset I used to know would have clobbered these guys by now. The taller orange one looked just as angry as his soon to be dead friend.

"You told the whole damn school I've been juicing! Now Coach Iron-Will won't let me play until I get my piss checked!" This one had long hair, seemed to get in his eyes every so often. A cheap shot, but hey, at least he won't see it coming.

"I'm telling you, it's not me!" Sunny had moved halfway behind me. If the fact that these two degenerates were upsetting my sister wasn't disheartening enough, the two of them stopped, blocking the pathway ahead, leaving little room for those few students still mulling around to get by. Two a few feet ahead of us stopped to watch, one rainbow haired girl with an amused smile on her face. And the other, a downright gorgeous lady with a clear sense of style, and a lovely pair of legs to match. Although her expression before she looked away was one of... shame? I'd have to remember that for later query. The taller guy seemed puzzled that I'd stopped as well, though the shorter one hadn't noticed.

"How did you know my mom cheated on my dad?! Who told you?!" The shorter one advanced on Sunny who ducked behind me. I made to block his way but the taller one put a hand on his shoulder. He look at me wide eyed for a moment; no surprise really, he was staring at mine and Sunny's identical hair colors. I suppose someone was bound to put two and two together.

"Uh, Dude..." The tall one muttered through gritted teeth, but the short one shrugged him off.

"Not now! Come on, don't hide from me Sunny; lemme see that smug face of yours!" Sunny shrieked as the short one dashed around me and violently yanked her toward him.

He'll regret that decision for the rest of his natural life.

My strong hand found its target, the bastard's throat. Acting on instinct, the short guy released his grip on my sister's arm, both hands clawing at the object that held his neck in a vice like grip. I love it when my enemies struggle, it makes the resulting brawl so much more satisfying.

"Hey, let go of him!" His friend charged at me like a mad bull. I'll admit I had to be careful; I'd never fought in this body before, and I'd spend the better part of the previous night learning just how capable this gangling body truly is. Fortunately, the tall sack of crap telegraphed his moves more clearly than an excitable wrestling announcer. This was gonna be easy.

In one swift move I kicked straight up, connecting with the fucker's face. He was a hoofball player, of course he'd go straight for an offensive tackle; Amateur! And down he went, a red boot print stretched across his pained face and blood dripping nose. The guy collapsed clutching his face and moaning; Pathetic, assaulting a woman is something I will never allow! But to not even put up a fight? These clowns are a waste of air!

The shorter guy in my grip was turning purple, and my hand was getting tired. Mustering my inner Earth-Pony spirit and mimicking a move performed by myself and a now imprisoned Minotaur a few years back. I grabbed him by the bottom of his jacket and with both hands, sent the bastard flying down the sidewalk. The sexy purple haired girl screeched and pressed her back against the store wall she'd previously been leaning against. The rainbow one however; she was in awe.

"It's a fastball special!" What that meant or why she shouted it, I don't know. What I do know is, the portly motherbucker rolled across the pavement and tried to up and run. Dumb-Fuck, does he really think I'm gonna give up so soon.

I knelt down and sprinted forward. Surprising fact about these humans, when they run... they're fucking fast! I launched myself right at the tubby guy before he'd reached his second step. Tackling the bastard I brought him down hard. A few feet back I heard the rushed steps of my sister, if she were in her right state of mind she'd take a few easy tension draining hits out on the grounded tall guy; But she wasn't... I hate Twilight Sparkle.

Gripping the fucker by his neck, I hoisted him into the air with one arm. Gotta love that earth-pony strength.

"I'm only gonna say this once so you'd better listen you bastard! If I ever see you raise a hand in anger to a lady again, I'll do more than crush your windpipe! If you think I'm dangerous now, your dead wrong." I brought the guy close, close enough to smell the beads of sweat that ran down his filthy little neck; close enough that he could hear me whisper. "I once burned a pony alive on a pile of his friends bones. Took three minutes for him to stop screaming; how long do you think you'll last?" I breathed deep, gleefully inhaling the scent of coppery blood and salty tears. A dark side is a terrible burden to bare, and when an opportunity to free the beast so willingly presents itself... well, who am I to question providence.

Life is a series of bitter failures, of moments both embarrassing and malicious, made only somewhat tolerable by a few fleeting pleasantries and delusions of achieving something more. But really, when all is said and done... which memories stick with us the most? The good or the bad?

I dropped the little guy to the ground, the contents of his pants should provide a soft and wholly unpleasant landing. But he'll remember and it will follow him, a constant pang in the back of his head. During every achievement, every victory, during every high point in his future. This will follow. It'll be as if I'm right there with him, an unrelenting virus tainting his happiest moments with this constant reminder. That right here and now, I reduced him to the level of a hapless infant, stripped him of his pride and left his dignity in ruin.

A tugging on my free arm returned my mask of semi-decency to its appropriate place. A shame really, I was having such fun. All a mere appetizer of course... sating my apatite for my main meal. What I've inflected upon this juvenile, I will perform tenfold on Anon-a-Miss. But for now, the mask goes back on. The beast is collared.

"Wait, Please Stop!" Sunny's cries brought me back to reality, or whatever counts for reality in a world of sentient apes. Gazing down at the quivering jellyfish, I felt compelled to put on a show for the one excited and two frightened girls.

"Take it from me, Little man; It takes a sorry excuse of a man to bring harm to an innocent, but it takes an even weaker man to cut and run when his conviction wavers. You have the audacity to accuse my..." Better rephrase this, less my search for Anon-a-Miss should find itself impeded. "This young lady of an offence to your person, and your follow through is to attack her?! I should report you to the proper authorities right now!" Let's hope this bluff pays off. I'm not in the mood for killing any guard-humans that may come asking unnecessary questions.

"I-I'll tell them... Tell everyone w-what you did to us!" The fool spat a glob of red spittle on the sidewalk. Time to see if my threats are as convincing in this human form.

"Oh will you really? And what will you tell them? How you and your muscle bound compatriot both verbally and physically assaulted a young woman walking alone to school? Who's aid I came to only after I heard her scream because you lay a hand on her for a second time." He was starting to quiver, his eyes darted toward the two girls both of whom refused to meet his pleading expression. Gotcha.

"I don't know about you, but to me that sounds an awful lot like harassment and unprovoked assault. Now I am more than certain that neither of you want a mark as weighty as that in your file. Might even earn you a police record; not something aspiring sports jocks such as yourselves need when college enrollment time comes around."

The guy made to cut me off but I was having none of it. "Now your friend over there never touched this girl, but rarely will prosecutors take the word of an accused male assailant at face value. In fact how much do you want to bet that when the time came for questioning, that your schoolyard chum over there would sell you down the river to clear his own reputation? Let's not forget, its the word of two young male thugs against that of a distressed young woman and three witnesses." I turned to the two ladies in question.

"Something tells me you two both have a good conscience between you, unlike these degenerates. And would never allow the two of them to get away with something like this... would you?" The two girls appeared unsure, looking first at one another then over at Sunny who crossed her arms and turned away; Something else to remember. Time to play on the weaker of the two.

"Because only a sick, despicable creature would stand by and watch a defenseless girl be harmed. Which I'm sure is why you stood by, to get involved and protect your classmate? Right?" That got her. The lovely lady appeared shaken, she definitely would have stood by and watched, I could tell by her stance a few minutes before. Seems it just occurred to her what a terrible thing that would be to do.

"O-oh my... of course. We would never stand by and... a-and watch as these ruffians assault our... friend." Curiouser and curiouser, she was hesitant to call Sunny her friend. Seems there are a few more missing pages to this story than once thought. Clapping my hands together, I shone my champions grin upon the dear girl. The little guy scrambled over to his friend and hoisted him to his feet. One final pleading look to the girls gave him no recompense, the two puny men knew the obvious, they weren't going to win this one.

"I had a feeling you were a good one. It takes a special kind of person to stand in defense of their friend in the face of danger. My dear..." Lets bring it on home. Looking the attractive one in the eyes I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"You're a good person. Thank you." Boom, putty in my hooves. The blush on her face was told me all I needed.

The little punk awkwardly shuffled up the sidewalk, towards what I assumed was the towering school in the distance. They won't talk... overwhelming facts and consequences are the ultimate deterrent of petty criminals. The secret, one I'd had to learn the hard way, was to accept said facts. And not give a fuck!

"Well I... you are quite welcome sir. Uhhh S-sunset darling, why don't you walk with us. In case those miscreants try anything else."

Sunset seemed taken aback by this. But her slowly forming smile told me this was at least a pleasant surprise.

"Really? O-of course Rarity. I... thank you... sir." Sunny smiled and silently worded 'Thank You' to me again before rushing to her friend's side. The rainbow one refused to look at me the entire time, she clearly wasn't happy that my sister had joined her former duo. Though it seems my words had given her pause for thought. Conflicted, you might say.

As was I. Reuniting my sister with her friends went against my plans entirely. Still, broken foundations make for shaky structures. And much like trust, it is both hard to build and oh so easy to break.

Watching the two girls walk alongside my sister, guilt-ridden into playing nice, as opposed to the two beaten and bruised thugs helping each other walk toward the school; the irony struck me like so many thousand volts. The two wannabe criminals had more loyalty toward one another than the two supposed nice girls did to someone who I assume they once called their best-friend. Give the guys a little credit, they had at least been honest about their intentions, but the girls? One had lied directly to my face whilst the other wouldn't so much as meet my gaze. Guess no matter which world you go to, the goody-goody types are still hypocrites.

Shame... I'd so wanted to 'get to know' this, Rarity.

Dusting myself off, I followed behind the girls at a snails pace, careful to keep my distance. I still had to meet this world's living mockery of my archenemy. And Anon-a-Miss was at the forefront of my mind.

I meant what I said to those opportunistic punks. It takes a sorry excuse of a man to harm an innocent. I will not pretend otherwise.
This is who I am, the pony I was born to be. I hurt people... because I can. And the only way I'll stop, is when I have what I want. And what I want, is my sister's undying love and unwavering loyalty.

So you better watch out, Anon-a-Miss. Daylight Shimmer's coming to Canterlot High!

You won't survive the experience.

Author's Note

Yeah yeah, longer wait than usual. You know how it is... vying for a job position, (Secured BTW) :pinkiehappy:
Re-watching Future Diary again. (Did I mention I love that anime?)
And it was my birthday yesterday, so I partied extra hard! And paid for it after.
(Some real 'need to know' information right here.)

Philosophy (A Guiding Principal)

Canterlot High; the building's post modern take on pre-established Equestrian architecture would make even the most scholarly of artistic scribes blush. The three story establishment boasted traditional Canterlot progression combined with that of new age human design.

I could make love to this building.

What can I say? I live to ruin the moment. Even for myself.

Several students hurried through the school doors, each fearful of the consequences that the late bell would bring. Ah, to be young again. Sunny and the two girls disappeared through the double doors.

'What? Not even a goodbye kiss? An awkward sibling peck on the cheek sure, but still a little something wouldn't hurt.'

Oh well, next time.

The walkway around the so-called portal statue had been swept clean of snow and a fresh layer of grit sprinkled over top. Clueless apes, they can mass manufacture vehicles propelled under their own power but can't form the most basic of weather manipulation spells. Granted I can't do that either, but still...
Word to the wise, fire salt is a much more effective ice remover than rock salt. Highly intelligent species indeed.

Absentmindedly, my thoughts fell upon the two petty thugs I'd tossed around. Good times... those three minutes ago. In all reality, they got off lucky! If this were Equestria, I'd have made them dig their own graves. Or strung 'em up in the leafiest tree, which is much harder than you'd think with just your hooves and a rickety ladder. But who doesn't look back on their twenty-third birthday with fondness.
When checking for bodies, no one ever looks up, at least until winter when the leaves (and myself) are gone. It sends a message and its a hilarious surprise for the local fillies.

Trudging up the grit covered steps toward the entrance of these hallowed halls, my exposition heavy thoughts were torn asunder by the comical squeal of what appeared to be a college graduate falling ass over head. Black ice, AKA: 'Hades-Piss' as dad would say.

I'd take pity on the unfortunate human... But really it takes all I have not call out somepony on their own stupidity, be they a notorious drunk who complains he has a hangover the following morning, or a careless showmare who wedged her trailer into an alley and couldn't get it back out. What was her name again? Meh, it doesn't matter.

As the dazed human, clad in his argyle sweater and foggy glasses when about gathering his various papers, all of which had scattered to the winds and judging by the sheer number of sheets flying this way amit the winter breeze, it had to have been a pretty sizeable stack.

Now despite all evidence to the contrary, I am nothing if not a gentlepony. So naturally the only respectable thing to do would be to assist the hapless ~~fool~~ fellow. And pocket the black leather wallet he'd yet to notice had fallen out of his jacket. Opportunistic? Perhaps, yet there it was, just sitting near the bottom step with that 'come hither' look. And now here it is, sliding oh so nicely into my coat.

I snatched up a few of the papers nearest my person, after all, who would question a 'helpful' soul of wallet theft. A plain sight alabi I'd picket up from an escort in 'Prance'.

Chasing a random paper as the breeze teasingly yanked it out of reach, the fumbling fool took notice of my 'assistance', for which he seemed grateful.

"Um, t-thank you, Sir. This... This isn't quite how I thought I'd start my first day."

'First day' he says... Now there's a thought. No self respecting janitor comes to work in an argyle sweater on his or her first day; which must mean this clown is a teacher. Looking down at a paper which had wrapped itself around my leg in the breeze, the words 'Assigned Substitute Teacher' caught my attention.

Quickly glancing back at the disheveled individual, who from the looks of things was attempting to scale the school statue; I speed read the 'Work Placement Form' in greater detail. And in fact that's exactly what it was, a work placement from the 'Department of Education and Standards' Canterlot branch.

Oh and FYI, the dork's name is 'Dizzy Dreamer'. Guess it doesn't matter what world you come from; parents can't name for shit. Yuck, I use shit far to often in my vocabulary, I can do better than that. Still, I did wonder what caliber of teacher this school considered 'qualified' if they were willing to hire someone who fills out his forms in pencil.

But the sloppy organization of this gangling marionette was no concern of mine, I had bigger issues at hoof, like trying to find a way...

Into the school.

Bingo!

Universe, I'd tongue you if I could. It seems once more the stars have aligned and shown me the way. Which is not something I'd normally say. I've never liked the idea of destiny and my life being pre-determined; I'll charter my own course thank you. With slight-of-hoof so masterful it'd give even the greatest of magicians cause to pause, I placed the document inside my coat. Hopefully my penmanship is still legible in this form, I'd hate to resort to mouth writing. Hoof and mouth disease, thy name is poor hygiene.

The substitute jumped down from the statue, grasping the illusive paper with a triumphant grin on his face. Shuffling the remaining papers in my own hoofs, I handed him the stack.

"Thank you so much, Sir. Really appreciated." Oh, that dopey grin on his face is really starting to bother me.

"No trouble at all, my friend; So, I take it you're the new substitute I was told to meet?" His grin faltered somewhat but didn't vanish. This one shouldn't be too difficult to convince.

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry. I-I didn't mean to make a bad first impression. Ahehe, I would have brought my briefcase but, well I couldn't close the thing." Must. Resist. The urge to be Snide.

"Whoa, hey don't worry about it. Accidents happen. Besides I'm glad I caught you," Time to bring this one home. "The schools closed for the day."

Apparently this came as a surprise to the sub, which it probably would to anypony who'd chased half-a-trees worth of paper across a damp, snow covered courtyard.

"Wait, what? But today's my first day. I was told to be here by the department of education just this morning."

Time to practice lying through my teeth for the week.

"Oh, you haven't heard? Principle Celestia's gone into labor. Her sister admitted her to the hospital early this morning."

That got him to shut up.

"Labor? You mean..."

"I know, right? We were all surprised, she hid it so well." Mouth agape. That's right, play it cool. Big smiles, everyones happy.

"You're kidding."

"My word is my bond, my friend."

The sub made to speak but caught himself, did I miss something?

"But, I saw kids going inside the school." Damn, he was right.

"We're sending them away as soon as they get here." My lies have held true thus far, I just need this clown to leave so I can get to work.

"Well, then what am I supposed to do? And can I have your name." Why you little worthless know-it-all.

"Of course, my friend. My name's Daylight and I'm the new... I mean, one of the new substitute teachers."

"Oh, you're starting here as well?"

"Oh yes, I've been in the substitute teaching profession for years now." Now to get rid of this guy. "And I was told over the inter-web that normal classes will be resuming tomorrow. So feel free to head on home and we will see you here bright and early."

I could only pray that this lie would stick, if this guy had the bright idea to venture inside, my entire charade would be ruined.

How fortunate then that my powers of persuasion once again held true.

"Damn, and I had my whole day's schedule planned out. Listen, Celestia has my motel number, send her my best wishes and could you ask her sister to give me a call about this?" I patted the guy on the back, gingerly leading the guy toward the faculty parking lot.

"I will do so immediately, and believe me, the staff and I appreciate your understanding at this time." A quote most often used during one of my 'friend's' insurance fraud schemes. A lucrative trade that swiftly went south once the Canterlot Mint caught wind of our... less than reputable clientele. And my pocketing fifteen-percent. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing what so ever, I just wanted to brag.

Still, my needless pandering seemed to alleviate any desire the sub had to enter the school so at least that went over well. I waved the sucker off as he drove away in his beat-up looking yellow automobile. I made a note of the numbers and letters printed on a plate attached to the back. If my ruse went over well with principle fat-ass, then the sub would pose a significant obstacle tomorrow. And since chances were pretty low that I'd find Anon-a-Miss within a day, that leaves me with only one option.

I need that teacher out of the picture.

But one step at a time.

xxx

I begrudgingly tightened the red tie around my neck along with the chocking hazard that is the top button. If I'm to con an entire school of these apes, I'd have to look and act the part. Which shouldn't be too hard, I could pull off the laid back teacher trying to be hip with the kids, facade.

The act of doctoring the form I'd procured was a simple one; thankfully some absentminded student had dropped a pencil in their mad rush for the school doors. To my chagrin, it was pink, and glittery, but hey beggars can't be choosers.

The double doors of the school yielded to my mighty arms, revealing the sizable lobby within. Trophy cases ripe for the plundering. Stairs leading to multiple floors. Hallway after winding hallway. And the always inane jibber jabber of both pre and post-pubescent teenagers basking in what they consider being their golden years, blissfully unaware of the cold unforgiving world that lies in wait beyond these lockers.

Granted I fucking hated high-school and was all too happy to leave. But hey the majority had smiles on their faces, and from my experience, if you enjoyed school, chances are good you won't like adulthood.

And that's another thing, allot of the students appeared oddly fixated on these small plastic blocks they held within their hooves. What did Sunny call them... phones I think. Did I even need this facade? From what I'd seen of these dullards, I could shine a light on a wall and have them at my mercy. Was I like that when I went off on a ramble? Yeah probably, maybe I should invest in one of those phone things. Not that it'd do me any good back in Equestria, but still, food for thought. And there am going off and leaving my body to stare into space. Really should work on that.

Well, I'm already here. Might as well explore.

The sweaty, awkward social mass that is the student body dashed this way and that like hamsters in a cardboard box. I'll give these human apes this, they're at least easier to tell apart than ponies. Many times I'd smacked a familiar mare on the rump, only to find it was somepony with a slightly lighter shade of color for their coat.
If the ensuing fights with their dates or brothers taught me anything its, 'Know your mare, Before you reach down there.'

As I made to turn a corner, I swiftly retreated back the way I came, albeit one or two steps.
Sunny and her two... companions? Stood to talk by a wall of lockers, and from the sound of it, things were getting rather heated.
Making out as though I were lost, I strained my weaker human ears to ~~eavesdrop~~ ~~spy~~ make sure Sunny was alright.

"How do you not understand? I'm innocent, why would I throw all my hard work away for a stupid webpage?" That was clearly Sunny, she sounded distressed.

"I dunno, why did you single out me, Rarity and the rest of our friends when you first got here, out of everyone else in the school? Because its in your nature, that's why! The real you!" A raspy voice spoke up, most likely rainbow tomboy from earlier. I'd be mad at her, but this supposed 'Real You' was exactly the kind of person I wanted Sunny to remember being, so credit where credit is due.

The sound of heavy footsteps fading with distance signaled the rainbow one's departure. Clearing the air, a small feminine cough broke what could have become an awkward silence.

"Sunset... Look, it's not that I think you haven't done some good. I've witnessed your willingness to change first hand... but, unfortunately, All the evidence points squarely towards you."

"Let's go, Rarity!"Gotta give the Rainbow one credit, she has a powerful set of lungs on her. I guarantee shes a screaming in the sack.

"No, Rarity please..."

"I'm sorry, Sunset. But unless you can prove otherwise, I'm afraid I simply can't bring myself to trust you again. You hurt each of us and this school one time too many." The elegant bitch could be heard strutting off in the direction of her 'possibly-a-lesbian-but-maybe-not-friend' before her voice called back down the hall.

"Also you should wear a scarf tomorrow... It... its supposed to be chilly out." Her footsteps disappeared in a much hastier, clip-clop manner than before.

"But... W-what about friendship?" Or trust for that matter. Poor Sunny, she deserves better than these hypocrites.

At the sound of my sister sadly sighing to herself I made to go comfort her; Unfortunately I found the corner that led to her blocked, by the most oddly dressed hall-monitor I've ever seen since this nerd back in high-school brought his replica claymore into school, to quote/unquote 'Defend the halls from evil'. But from what I heard, these so called forces of evil took the form of several jocks juicing on 'Red Nectar'. And suffice it to say, the forces of evil got him before I could.

This hall-monitor on the other hand was apparently going for the whole, Spoiled Princess motif. Her whole outfit screamed, 'Muggers Retirement Fund'. And judging by the rather exquisite diamond tiara atop her head, clearly this was something she was well aware of. Buck, she trumpeted her own self worth as though it were an intrinsic part of her being that all needed to know. Why does that sound familiar?
Hands on her hips, clad in a glittery gold jacket that cut off higher than one would expect on such a small ape; The girl looked at me expectantly.

"Uh, Who are you?" Time to pour on the old Daylight charm.

"Oh, please excuse me, my dear. I'm afraid I may have gotten a smidge turned around, would you be so kind as to point me in the direction of the principle's office." She seemed to give me the once over. Not that I could blame her, who would want an eye-full of this?!

"And why would I do that?" Oh, she has the fire in the belly. I like this one already.

"Well your sash does read 'Hall-Monitor'" The girl looked down at the white and red sash wrapped around her torso and groaned, apparently having forgotten she was on duty. Motioning with one hand she lazily beckoned me to follow. And truly this school was as gargantuan as the outside had led me to believe. For the route we took involved two flights of stairs, several hallways that all looked the same, a stop at every mirror so the girl could adjust her tiara ever so slightly and then a long, very frustrating walk back when she remembered the principle's office was near the main entrance.

"Say, girl..."

"Its Diamond, actually! Diamond Tiara." Wow, it must have taken her folks a whole ten seconds to come up with that one.

"Diamond then. Don't you think that sash somewhat mars the overall appeal of your ensemble." She shot me a puzzled expression before actually smirking a little. What? Can't a guy appreciate fashion? All it is is design, only instead of furniture in a room, its clothes on ~~ponies~~ people.

"Ugghhh, I know right?! I mean it was either this or detention. But come on, what am I? A crossing guard? A milk monitor?"

"Or a beauty queen?"

I joke, but the young ape looked up me with wide appreciative eyes. Which believe me, on a non-pony, with those beady human eyes, is just plain creepy.

"You really think so?" I had to bite my tongue. If only this girl were a few years older; I'm allot of things... a liar, a dirtbag, a cheater, a swindler, a pig, a pony, an Earth Pony, a hired hitpony, a one time cross-dresser, a male stripper, a member of the gay and lesbian alliance because I'll find out who I am for myself, Dad! a farmer, a lover, a father, a brother, a sister (Like I said, one time Cross-dresser), But I am not... wait... what was I thinking about again? Damn, I've lost my train of thought.

"U-uhh, yeah sure. Whatever."

Diamond had this strange sort of spring in her step after that, as she brought me to the office doors.

"So... Are you meeting someone? Or picking someone up? Or..."

"If this goes well. I might just be your new substitute teacher." Diamond's bottom jaw hit the proverbial floor. I have that effect on ladies.

"Y-you, but your so..."

"Young? My dear, I'm Twenty-Eight."

Diamond blushed and whispered something she probably thought I wouldn't catch. "I was gonna say hot."

"Say what, Princess?" I had to laugh, it's not often I'm the one getting undressed by someponies eyes. When it comes to mental undressing, I'm like a shark in shallow water, I find my morsel and go in for the kill, so to speak.

"N-Nothing, gotta go. Late for class..." Annnnd she's gone. Too bad, I was enjoying her company. That devil may care attitude, the style, that commanding voice... reminds me of me. Back when I wore that wig and dress for a whole summer. Except without the constant sexual advances of a SaddleArabian nobleman and his entourage. But, that's a story for another 'Red Nectar' fueled night.

xxx

(STOLEN) From the Journal of Princey Shining Armor (12/17/03:AN)

Dear Journal: Today we brought in the suspect for questioning. And as you'd expect from somepony in his so-called 'profession', he sang like a love-struck canary.

The duos basic plan had been to pass off the crystal heart whilst the other provides a distraction and then use the ensuing snow storm as a cover to escape. Hardly the most avant-garde heist ever conceived, yet the real tip off came when he named, not one, but four prison guards they'd paid off should the worst happen. Which, unfortunately, it has.

Words escape me at this time. Ponies tasked with protecting my wife and future child, my citizens and my city... taking bribes. I hoof picked those guards myself, they were some of the best, from the best. And now they're being held in the detention cells. My office was in shambles by the time I finally calmed down.

To complicate matters further, they're four of the ponies I'd accepted from the Canterlot Guard. I'll give Daylight this, he knew better than to attempt bribery on a Crystal Guard. According to his not so loyal associate, they combed the city for the better part of a week, specifically searching the cheaper and more out of the way bars, and then targeting the guardponies on shakier financial ground, the ones with families or a serious amount of debt. One of mine and Cadance's more heavily criticized laws was the increased rate of payment for non-Crystal Ponies to own homes with in the Empire. Whilst still within Equestria's borders, we stand as a sovereign nation and as such, especially given our peoples history and old-timey views, they don't appreciate outsiders coming in and treating their home like a tourist trap. They saw it as foreigners forcing their new world cultures and ideals on them, which I can confirm, they do not want. And unfortunately that left the ponies who'd had to move their families here, with far less income than they would have had back in Equestria.

Really, it fills me with pride that myself and Cadance have won over their trust and love. But it all threatens to come crashing down if word of this betrayal leaks out. Ponies, guard ponies no less, from outside the empire, taking brides and plotting the release of prisoners. By Celestia, the Crystal Ponies will be in an uproar. And then where will we be? Riots? Strikes? Attacks on outsiders? Who knows, they may very well call for a defection from Equestria entirely.

The internal investigators should arrive by the end of the day. The fact that it was the work of ponies outside of the Empire should quell their accusing hooves. Although where that leaves us in the investigation is unknown. For all the accomplice had to say, he had no information on Daylight's whereabouts. He actually seemed surprised that he'd escaped.

We'll question the accused guards for information. And they will talk, they know exactly what awaits them within the cells they once guarded. Former guard ponies rarely survive on the inside, amongst those they themselves helped lock away.

I can only prey, Luna, they have something we can use.

Daylight Shimmer... Where are you?

xxx

The reception area that leads to Principle Celestia's office was, for lack of a better term, Fucking-Depressing.
The receptionist had this whole, 'This is as good as its gonna get for me.' look about her. And there were so many child-pandering motivational posters, including an admittedly adorable one of a cat hanging from a tree.

I will hang in there, baby!

Waving a hand in front of the receptionist to get her attention, she motioned for me to go through before returning to her dead-eyed stares. Such a strange woman.

Now Celestia's office. Wow, where was all this... color in the reception area? The walls were a sky blue, the sun shined in through the double windows illuminating the room perfectly, and placed either side of this huge well polished wooden desk were two healthy vibrant green plants.

The principle glanced up as I marveled over the gorgeous interior. And you know what? I wasn't laughing.

I don't know what kind of magic spells this world could weave, but this Celestia... Well, let's just say, if I were a wolf, I'd be howling right now. Hatchachacha!

Really, talk about getting knocked six ways from Sunday, the mare is gorgeous! For a monkey I mean. And I thought that Rarity girl was a knockout, but Celestia... Damn! And tall, height wise I'd say we were about equal.

"Oh, hello there. Do you have an appointment?"

She's holding her hand for you to shake... Shake her hand. Equestria to Daylight quit staring at her rear and shake hooves... I mean hands!

"Uh... hmm, oh sorry!" I shook her hand with added gusto, hopefully salvaging some shard of my shattered dignity. "My names Daylight; I'm here on behalf of..." Shit, what did that form say? "The Department of Education, regarding the substitute position."

I handed her my form and took a seat opposite her. I probably should have been paying attention to what she was doing... but that ass!
Wiz Bam, Thank You, Maam!

"Well, all appears in order, although I would appreciate it if in the future you could fill out these documents with a pen." She smirked at me, eyebrow raised. Thank... other Celestia, she found it funny. Time to throw on my acting face again.

"Ahhh, yes. You see, this job came somewhat out of the blue. And what with my getting used to these new surroundings and my place of residence, of all things, a pen escaped me." The two of us shared a laugh at that. At least this Celestia wasn't as much of a tight-ass as the other. Mmm, how tight could it b... No, not the time for that.

"Oh, believe me, I know the feeling. Its always the smallest things that slip my mind." Celestia turned to her computer box and tapped with record speed at the buttons on the little board. "Hmm, alright, so Mr. Daylight... Ah, Dreamer. That is a lovely name."

Fuck that was close! I didn't occur to me until she said it. I only filled in my first name to avoid any connection to Sunny, besides our hair. I guess that computer-box must have me, or rather that other guy, down as 'Mr.' Dreamer. And thank Luna that that was the case. Otherwise, I'd be screwed before I even started.

"A-hehe, w-why thank you. Its been in my family for... generations."

"These qualifications are very impressive, I can see why the 'DoE' would send you. Thank you for showing up at the last minute like this, our Philosophy professor had an unexpected pregnancy in the family and had to fly home, so you're really helping us out. Although, am I correct that this is your first teaching position working with senior students?"

Shit, Philosophy? Well, that's just great, how much sudo-philosophical bull am I gonna have to pull from my ass to get through these next few weeks.

"Oh yes, but its no trouble at all. As a wise man once said, 'If we are not a little bit uncomfortable every day, we're not growing. All that's good lies outside our comfort zone.'"

Celestia smiled and stood to shake my hand. "That is so wise. I can see why you majored in philosophy."

Sucker, I got that one out of a fortune cookie back in Equestria.

"Now I just need to quickly confirm a few details; This is your up to date contact information isn't it?" Peering round that the screen, I knew that none of this was correct. However, I also saw an opportunity.

"Did I forget to call you? My family invited me to stay so I decided against the... 'Sleep Easy Motel'" So the real sub's staying in a motel, I need to write down this information. "Here's my current address... however, do you think I could get a copy of this? I'm a tad 'OCD' about my personal information, I'm sure you understand." I handed her the address sheet that Sunset had written for me, should I ever get lost.

"I understand, I'll print you a copy. Its a wonder how anyone can feel safe online in this day and age, especially with all these hackers, trolls and now this 'Anon-a-Miss'..."

There are trolls in this world? How do they fight them without magic?

Oh yeah, and Anon-a-Miss.

"Beg your pardon, Principle Celestia. But, I can't say I've ever heard of this Anon-a-Miss character." Play it cool, you shouldn't know Anon-a-Miss is a person yet, this is supposed to be news to you.

Celestia sighed, and turned to retrieve my information which had miraculously appeared from her 'HD Laser-Printer' box. Sounds dangerous.

"I'm afraid you've arrived at a difficult time in this school. As you'll probably soon learn, one of our... less than trustworthy students, has gone out of her way to spread rumors and personal information all across the school. Why we've had more than our fair share of... difficulties this past year alone, but now this." Principle handed me my papers and turned to stare out the window. "It's such a shame, she was doing so well... but I suppose old habits die hard. My sister is pressuring me to expel the student indefinitely, but for now, I still have my doubts."

Damn twitchy eye, gonna give me away one of these days. "You sounded almost certain before... why do you have doubts?"

Celestia offered a small smile and leaned against her desk. Funny, I'd never once thought of Celestia as being, laid back, yet here it is clear as day.

"Because... I made a promise to a young friend to watch out for her. And although her friends have unanimously joined the 'Sunset is Guilty' bandwagon that's circling the school, for the moment I remain skeptical." I never thought I'd say this but... I'm with Celestia on this one. And sometime in the past, the pony me is shuddering with disgust and doesn't know why.

"Oh, but listen to me prattling on. Come with me, I'll show you to the classroom you'll be using. Your first class should be arriving soon."

Walking past the unresponsive receptionist, we retread the route Diamond Tiara had led me earlier.

"Principle Celestia; If I may, what does this school do to combat this bullying nonsense?" That's right, act like your a neutral party. Learn what you can. Analyze the situation and weigh your options, that's what 'they' taught you.

"Please, you only need to refer to me as 'Principle' when we are amongst the students. In private, you can call me Celestia." A first name basis already, somepony up there must like me.

"Alright, Celestia then." She has the nicest smile... and the finest ass, I've ever seen.

"It is unfortunate, but for now, all we can do is run damage control. Breaking up fights, dealing with hurt feelings and smothering any harsh rumors the teaching staff hears tell of in the halls. Without proper evidence, we have no one to punish fairly or a way to stop the students from sending Anon-a-Miss further information."

"Have you tried confiscating their phone boxes?" Celestia gave me a strange look. Have I said something wrong already? Apparently not as she laughed soon after.

"Phone boxes? You truly are a son of Trottingham aren't you." I guess my accent gave me away. It wasn't my natural way of speaking by any means, or at least it wasn't when I was born. But I did spend many years working for the mob on the isle of Trottingham. To this day it remains my favorite corner of Equestria, once you get past the rainy weather and rowdy hoofball hooligans it's a lovely place to live. Or hideout.

"Well, we tried banning phones, but the parents wouldn't have it. Fair enough, they complained of student safety and risk of theft, but aside from banning their use in the school there isn't much else we can do."

Soon enough we reached the classroom, all the way on the top floor between the Prench, or rather French language classroom and a janitors closet. Hazarding a peak through the window I sighted a few familiar faces. This overly pink girl was chatting it up in the corner with the rainbow girl from earlier, and the same could be said of Rarity who was gabbing it up with another girl up front and said 'girl' had a rabbit poking its head out of her bag. I'll probably have to deal with that later. But it was the other back corner that broke my little black heart, or what was left of it.

Sunny, sitting alone with this defeated look on her face, staring at her hands as though she didn't have a friend in the world.

Celestia tilted her head behind my own and caught who I was looking it.

"Oh dear. That's Sunset Shimmer, the one I was telling you about. Seeing her like this, its hard to imagine her as the one behind all this drama. The poor girl tries so hard, sometimes I swear the school rules hinder us more than they help." I nodded in agreement.

"Well, I'll leave you to your students. I assume you've gone over our current curriculum? Should you need any further assistance, feel free to visit me in my office. And good luck." She patted my shoulder and left. Good talk there teach.

I took a deep breath and touched the door. If I step through, I'd be committing myself to this life, however temporary it might be...
The substitute would have to be dealt with, tonight. And his motel room would need to be cleared of evidence. Like he was never there.
I'd have to pay close attention to each and every student, if I was sure of one thing, it's that Anon-a-Miss is someone in the school.
Celestia was someone who's good side I intended to stay on. I'd have to butter her up every once in a while.
And of course, I'd need help. Or better... fall-guys. Or girls, I'm not picky.

Diamond Tiara would be a good start.

A smile inched its way across my human muzzle. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained."

Throwing the door open, I confidently strode in as the students snapped back to reality and hastened back to their desks. Ignoring the shocked, surprised and dreamy looks I was receiving from Sunset, the rainbow one and Rarity respectively, I wrote my new persona across the blackboard with a piece of white chalk.

'Mr. Dreamer'

Facing 'My' students. I shot the room a winning grin.

"Students... Class is in session!"

xxx

Author's Note

Yo every-body, or pony or whatev's.
Apologies for the amount of time I've been away, still getting used to the new job and hours and such...

BTW... for those who PM'd me, my favorite characters are Trixie, Lightning Dust and Diamond Tiara, because I'll take freedom over harmony any day. No Orwellian futures for me thank you. Soylent Green is Ponies! And that's no good. (High-five if you got that one.)

Hey, here's a conundrum for ya.
Lightning makes a tornado (with Rainbows help) and put Twilight and co (who flew onto an active military base during exercises literally called cloud busting, pretty sure that was illegal) in danger and Lightning loses her career. Meanwhile, Rainbow turns into a vigilante superhero, almost sold her friend into slavery and demolished a factory that literally makes the weather (for her pet tortoise!!!) ... But apparently she's still Wonderbolt material! I guess if you're a main character you're immune from answering for your mistakes? :twilightoops:

Because Friendship... is only for main characters.

Hatchachacha!

Hard Questions (But No Answers)

“The best thing for being sad is to learn something." Starswirl the Bearded had said that. As true today as it was back then.

"That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics," Such as myself, but they didn't need to know that.

"Or know your honor trampled in the sewers of baser minds." I'm happy to see Sunny immersed in my speech. I'd like to say she was my most interested student, yet there was this one red-maned girl wearing a black turtleneck in the back row, hastily taking notes. I suppose I just inspire a strong work ethic in these kids... or maybe this one was a teacher's pet, either way, I'm not complaining.

"There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it." Why did that make the rainbow one laugh?

"That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

Turning to face my class as I finished writing the quote upon the blackboard. For the most part, my first stint as the substitute philosophy teacher was going well. The majority of the class was paying attention; Aside from the first five minutes of class in which Sunny wore a shocking expression, she soon adjusted enough to take in what I was saying. Rarity hasn't taken her eyes off me since class began, the rainbow one hadn't written anything and the constant mewing coming from the quiet girl's backpack is getting on my nerves. Every so often I'd see the small rabbit's head poke out the opening of her bag and duck back inside. I had to wonder what the protocol is for this situation. I wouldn't imagine a student bringing a pet to school being a common occurrence. Then again, you know what they say about the quiet ones.

Out the corner of my eye, I spotted the rainbow one jotting something down on a piece of pink paper. And I have a pretty good idea where and whom it came from. She'd been tossing that crinkled paper around the class for the last twenty minutes whilst my back was turned, apparently having forgotten about the large mirror in the top left corner of the class to prevent just such an incident. A few times it was passed to Rarity, hitting the girl in the back of the head. Once to the girl with the cow-pony hat and several times to the pink one.

In the middle of the back row, the red-maned girl raised her hoof.

"Yes, Miss... uh." Quickly I glanced over the student register. "Ah, Moondancer."

"Umm, Yes. That quote was taken directly from 'The Once and Future King' a classic of Arthurian legend. Do you apply the teachings of Merlin to your own career as an educator?" She wasn't wrong, except in Equestria, the story is called, 'The Great and Powerful Starswirl', as for Merlin... Well, that one was obvious.

"Why yes, indeed I do. I find a direct approach to teaching works wonders. And as for my gruff exterior I only get tough," I noticed the rainbow girl ball up the pink paper and toss it to her smiling pink-haired friend. "When the situation calls for it; A very good question, Moondancer. Positive expectations are the mark of the superior personality."

Moondancer perked up considerably after that. A proud smile adorned her face as she returned to her note taking. What saps, a little compliment here and they're eating out the palm of my hooves... damn it, I mean hands! The pink one tossed the note back, I'd put up with it thus far, but now I'm getting annoyed.

"And that in of itself is another branching path in philosophy, the positive outlook leading toward a positive outcome. Causality if you will, is derived from..." Honestly, I was just spouting off whatever popped into my head. But the important thing is, I sound enthusiastic and that in of itself made the students eager to hear more. Much like with most politicians, it doesn't matter how many valid points are made, as long as one can inspire trust and an air of authority, nothing else matters.

The rainbow one made to toss the paper ball again, but I'd put up with this for long enough. She wants to make a mockery of my class, and to a slightly lesser extent, yell at my sister? Well, I'll show her, no more Mr. Nice Dreamer. Turning on my heels I pointed directly at the rainbow girl, who had her arm raised to throw.

"Miss..." And back to the register.

Wait, her name is Rainbow Dash?! As in the Elements of Harmony, Rainbow Dash?! Oh, I'm going to enjoy this.

"Rainbow Dash. What are you passing around back there?" The entirety of the class turned to see their classmate, red-faced and red-hoofed. Rainbow sat back in her seat and mumbled.

"W-what? No! It's, uhh... My notes. I uh, made a mistake..." How indignant. Thank you, former philosophy teachers word-of-the-day calendar.

"Really, how wonderful. Well then please, Miss Dash, I'm sure we'd all love to hear your take on today's lecture," I do so love to watch her squirm. You're either born a talented liar or you aren't one, period! "Would you care to share with the class?" Some of the students snickered whilst others whispered amongst themselves. Was I being harsh? Yes! I know all too well how it feels to be called out in a room of one's peers.

However, she also upset my sister so, 'Bring on the Pain!'

"Oh, I get it, stage-fright? I understand. It's okay to be afraid Rainbow." That must've struck a nerve as the girl leaped to her hooves.

"Who are you calling scared?! I'm Rainbow Daring Dash, the single Most-Awesome, Most-Amazing, Most... uhh, Coolest athlete at Canterlot High and don't you forget it... Sir." Apparently, it only just dawned on this braggart that she is, in fact, talking to a teacher.

Rainbow sunk into her seat, groaning to herself. The cow-pony-girl seemed concerned but I paid her no mind, her misguided loyalty would eventually run its course as such things often do. Instead, I focused on her sly, grinning desk neighbor, a silver-maned girl wearing a stylish starry patterned cloak.

"Miss..." That's it, when I'm done with the real Mr. Dreamer tonight, I'm going over each class roster so this doesn't keep happening.

"Beatrix; That's a great name by the way. Would you be so kind as to read that pink piece of paper in Miss Dash's lap."

Miss Beatrix smiled and yanked the paper from Rainbow's clutches.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie... Would be delighted to, Sir."

The Great and Powerful Trixie, I'd forgotten all about her. Now this is a surprise, one of the most pleasant surprises since arriving in this world actually. In my dealings across Equestria and beyond, I'd occasionally come across one of Trixie's live magic shows. And I'll admit, I enjoyed them. We Earth-Ponies can't do magic, or at least not the grand slam magic of rainbow-happy-beams or weather making, so it was a rare treat to see what new tricks she had up her sleeves.

And then she did a performance in Ponyville and well... that was the end of that. Twilight Oh-so-Perfect Sparkle and her Friendship hit-squad ruined her career and I'd only heard of her through the rumor mill since.

I wish I'd talked to her at least once, she was the only performer I'd actually paid to see. With stolen money of course, but hey, it all went to her in the end. So yeah, I'm happy to see her again.

"Ahem, this is what, Rainbow Trash, has to say." I could've corrected her and told the class that her friends had also written on the note. But it was funnier this way.

"Can you believe this guy? Seriously, How. Young. Is. He?! Next paragraph." I'm pleased she added that last part in there, nice touch.

"And is it me or does he remind you of someone? Next paragraph." That was from the pink girl.

"Well I don't know about you girls," Trixie snickered and I had a good idea why. "But I find him quite charming."

The entire class erupted into a fit of giggles and outright laughter. Rarity was blushing intensely and the cow-pony-human was shooting a death glare Trixie's way. But that was nothing compared to the pure, unfiltered hate that Rainbow Dash was radiating. Whether it was toward Trixie or myself I wasn't sure. Trixie wiped a tear from her eye and continued.

"And," Trixie had to take a moment to catch her breath from laughing. "I wouldn't m-mind seeing w-what's under that fabulous suit."

The classroom lost it, there was laughter. Tears, from the aforementioned laughter. And a few cheeky blushes; Sweet Celestia, at least a few of them are over eighteen... Nope, can't afford to get distracted. Cannot afford a scandal while I'm hunting Anon-a-Miss.

Holding back a laugh of my own, I walked over and retrieved the note from Trixie. Rainbow had sunk so deep in her chair she was almost on the floor, I'd never seen somepony glow so red. Really, I couldn't tell who was more embarrassed, her or Rarity.
Sunny on the other hoof didn't seem nearly as impressed. She had this conflicted look about her, she seemed annoyed at me and yet I'd definitely seen her laughing. Meh, she'll see the funny side of it after some thought. Karma and all that nonsense.

"Why thank you, Miss Dash. But I'm afraid honoring such a request just would not be proper. Never the less, I appreciate the compliment." The fact that I patted her on the head as I turned got a few laughs in, just as the bell rang. I'll admit, for what I thought would be a humdrum hour of boredom, it was actually a lot of fun. And now to secure my place as a student favorite.

"Well class, that's the final bell, now it says here that I'm supposed to assign you homework," The room collectively moaned, and not the good kind of moan either. "That being said, I don't believe in homework. If you can't learn this stuff while you're actually in school, then clearly it's the school that's failed you." I held the door open for the students to leave.

"Now get outta here, and have a great day." The collective cheer from the students was music to my ears. Give a dog a treat and it'll roll over for ya. As the students filed out of the class, I received thanks from some, high-fives from others, a hoof-bump from the pink one, Trixie and the student I'd dubbed 'Headphones and Sunglasses'. And a hardy glare from both stetson girl and the malcontent whom I will henceforth refer to as 'Rainbow-Trash'. What can I say? I know a good insult when I hear one.

That, of course, left only one student, leaning casually against my desk. Sunny dearest had a determined look upon her brow, fortunately for myself, however, I'd already anticipated this outcome and had planned my response accordingly.

"I suppose you have one or two... hundred questions?" Locking the door behind me, I braced myself for the coming onslaught.

"Oh, really? Why would you think that? Nonono, it's perfectly normal for your peace-core serving older brother from another world to suddenly adapt to having two fewer legs,"

"Well, between you and me I always was the most adaptable one. I never thought I'd be able to go on after they discontinued 'Crystal Cola' but I survived."

"You're still going off about that? That was over a decade ago!"

"Hello, it was the ultimate cola, it was see-through. I could be walking, go to take a sip of my beverage and suddenly I'm accosted by a deranged, homicidal maniac, next thing I know... stabstabstabstabstab! But if I'm drinking 'Crystal Cola' I'll see him coming. Then who's doing the stabbing?"

It just makes sense.

"... Hopefully not you. Anyway; After only one day here, suddenly my pacifist brother is beating up two humans, two athletic humans by the way,"

"Self-defense classes, sister dearest. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Especially in Zebrica."

"And now he's suddenly standing at the head of my class, lecturing everypony about how Humpty-Dumpty tried and failed to conquer the wall that was his own ego which led to his 'great-fall'." Awww, she was listening.

"That egg built his own proverbial wall with his insurmountable false bravado. In the end, he could not best it, and so he fell. Such is the outcome of all who claim to be more than they are."

"You got along well enough with Trixie. And she's more of a show-off than anyone!" Oh, hooves on her hips, I'm so intimidated.

"She's a magician correct... O-or some sort of actress, I assume judging by her attire." Nice save dumb-ass.

"Yeah..." She gestured me to go on. Easy enough.

"So it's only natural that she'd build herself up; you know... maintain her persona."

"I... guess that makes sense. But did you really have to be so hard on Rainbow?" Walking over, I cupped Sunny's face in my claws.

"Oh, my dear sweet trusting sister. What have these human-monkeys done to your poor brain."

"W-what?" She backed up. "I told you, nothing! She's my friend, they all are, they saved me from a life of evil and..." As she fumbled to find the next word, a thought dawned on me.

I've always assumed the harmony stones simply re-wrote their intended targets mind, forcing their user's will and obstinate beliefs upon those deemed 'villainous' or 'evil'; but could there be more to it than that? To the untrained eye and the more gullible fool, the stones merely presented the target with another's point-of-view. Those of us with a trained eye who stopped to ponder the outcomes of the element bearers various conflicts, however, who refused to simply grin and turn the page like the ending of another chapter in a marked down, discount bookstore novel, knew better. One minute Nightmare Moon's ready to forever block out the sun, the next, she's tiny, whimpering and apologizing in the corner of a rundown old castle. If the elements of 'Laughter' and 'Loyalty's press interviews are to be believed.
Nopony knows where they came from, who or what made them or what their true motivation and purpose are.

And yet the Princesses and element bearers command them like a child commands a lit torch. The sense of strength and safety that accompanies fires light can often blind those to its natural destructive power, and a lit match when held in idle hooves can swiftly become a raging inferno. The Princesses follow the elements every beck and call, all of them mere puppets on strings, strings that only a rare few can see.

"The word you're looking for, Sunny, is 'Freedom'." Sunny shook her head, waving her arms awkwardly in front of her.

"No! I... Look, they took me in when no-one else would. They care about me." How assertive, that being said my back and forth was going nowhere fast. Sunny was wrapped around these humans hooves tighter than a Manehatten virgin on prom night.

"Then where are they now? If they cared that much about you, why abandon you at the drop of a hat? Were they your friends... or were they honoring the requests of a magical pony princess that arrived on their doorstep?"

Hard questions.
But no answers.
At least none that could calm the waves of anguish that spread about her face.

As the tears rolled down her cheeks, I realized I'd gone too far, too fast. It may have been the truth. But too much of anything at one time can have serious repercussions.

"Y-you don't understand..." I moved forward to hold her, but she ducked under my arm, sobbing as she unlocking the door and dashing down the hall.

"Sunny, wait..." Too late.

Perfect. Just perfect!

Jackass!

xxx

(STOLEN) From the Journal of Princess Shining Armor (12/17/03:AN)

Dear Journal: This has been quite a day.

The move to arrest the corrupt officers has not gone unnoticed by the general populous. Even now, reports are flooding in regarding the internal investigators, their purpose unknown to my citizens as they moved to apprehend the four corrupt guards. Unfortunately, this means a public announcement will have to be made if only to alleviate their concerns.

While I am not at liberty to disclose the names of those possibly involved in Daylight's escape, I can reveal that the investigators sent by the Princesses are all 'Thestral' by race. 'Batponies', as they are more commonly known. However, they tend to see that particular moniker as a derogatory slur.

They arrived via train several hours ago. The presence of ~~Bat~~ Thestrals within the city, armed with purple nightguard armor and crystalline tipped swords, (Centuries old weapons specifically built for conflict with the Crystal Ponies). These Crystal Ponies to be precise! What was, several lifetimes ago for the ponies of Equestria, was a mere year and a half ago for the Crystal Empire. Old memories to the world are still burned fresh in the minds of my citizens.
If intentional, then this is a great offense to the Crystal People, myself and Cadance. If not, and this is merely an oversight, then this is still something the Princesses will have to answer for.

I am, ~~Worried~~ ~~Concerned~~ uneasy with Daylight still on the loose. As such I have placed Cadance and my unborn foal under the watchful eye of Private Flash Sentry. My wife is in the early stages of her pregnancy but I'm not taking any chances, and while she was adamant that we contact Twily and her friends, I'm still against it. If that deviant's still somewhere in the Empire, I don't want him getting within ten hoof steps of my sister, especially considering his venomous opinion of her.

His words still bite at me...

"Your kind deems yourselves as the way 'things are supposed to be' and anypony who doesn't embrace friendship or meet your worth must be evil and there for persecuted until they change. Without ever considering that we like who we are. No, if your kind says we're evil for being ourselves then we must change! And what you fail to realize is that your kind needs my kind as much as we need yours!"

What did he mean? What possible good could come from criminals? Why do ponies who follow rules, need those who break them?

Why do heroes need villains?

Cadance had more than a few things to say about, Shimmer. But that can wait until later. For now, the final interviews should be wrapping up, and Cadance and I have a public announcement to prepare for.

Hopefully, our Crystal Ponies will listen to reason.

xxx

How many times did I knock my head against the blackboard? Well, when I finally snapped out of it, the room was rotating at an alarming speed and the ground was rushing to meet me.

Also, I hadn't actually wiped off my teachings from the previous lesson, so my usually fabulous mop now had a dusty white streak on the front. Perfect, as if I have time to shower with my already packed schedule.

Also, there's an old lolly-pop under the desk.

And allot of dust. Gross.

"Uh, Mr. Shimmer?" Allowing momentarily for my eyes to adjust, I placed a shaky claw on the sturdy desk and heaved myself up, wobbling on shaky legs before falling back into the deathtrap that was the swivel chair. A chair that spins? What new spawn of high-speed madness is this? I tried sitting in it before, spun around several times and was nearly flung across the room.

My head fell to my shoulder, as my gangly body went limp like a ragdoll tossed into a corner. Allowing my eyes a momentary respite to adjust to the wider scope of the classroom, the various swirls and blotches of color gradually took the form of twenty or more students, each of which bore expressions ranging from concerned to feigned-disinterest. The students themselves appeared younger than the previous occupants of those desks. Specifically, my attention fell upon the seat warmer currently filling Miss Rarity's place.

Miss Diamond Tiara seemed worried as she stood, trying to peer over the desk at my limp form. Dawww' how sweet.

Funny thing is, I don't remember this class coming in.

In fact, how long had I been hitting my head?

"Oh yeah... I'm teaching a class. Ha, lost the plot there." Surprisingly, my lame joke had no effect on the students. Everypony's a critic.

Several of the students exchanged confused glances amongst one another as I got my bearings, taking note of the small but noticeable crack on the blackboard, as well as the throbbing in my head.

"Umm, Sir. Are you alright?" Diamond's a good kid. I'm gonna give her an 'A' for... I don't know, politeness? I guess.

Shrugging, I reached up and massaged my temples.

"Huh? Oh, yeah sure... Umm, free period. Do what you want." I waved the students off as they stared with anticipation, wondering whether or not this was allowed. Diamond, however, took this in stride, standing and strolling over to my desk, casually leaning against it like some sort of obedient secretary. Her bold display prompted her fellow classmates to chat and mingle amongst themselves. I'll say this, the mood certainly lightened once doing actual work was off the table.

"Hey, Teach... Why were you banging your head?" Looking back over her shoulder at me, she offered me a stick of pink gum. Which I was grateful for.

"Thanks; Nothing major, not really." I shrugged and leaned back, coolly blowing a pink bubble.

"Must be sorta major... you were hitting your head for five straight minutes when we came in." Diamond moved back, taking a seat on my desk. "Come on, talk to me."

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. An irritating pinging sound filled my poor throbbing head as a red haired girl fumbled with her phone-thing nearest the door.

"Hey... Uhh, Diamond, what's her name?" I gestured at the girl who promptly tossed her phone into her bag, smiling apologetically.

"That's Apple Bloom, she and her dweeby friends are always causing trouble," Diamond leaned back, crossing her legs and tilting her head all the way back to meet my gaze. "Real bad types, those 'Crusaders'"

"That's. Not. True!"

Both Diamond and I turned our attention to the tomboy, boldly making a stand in an ugly puke-green pair of three-quarter-lengths. I might've taken her more seriously if she weren't sporting the ghastliest t-shirt I'd ever seen. Really? The Rainbow Dash fan club? These truly are dark times.

"Yeah, she's the troublemaker!" Another girl rose from her seat, a petite little thing with a clear eye for fashion. Around the class, others began to take notice.

"Sweetiebelle and Scootaloo, the other... Crusaders." Diamond groaned at that last part.

I shrugged and threw my arms behind my head. That 'pinging' noise filled the air again, although this time, it came from three separate locations. Ironically, from all three of these, 'Crusaders'. Ignoring it for now, I turned back to Apple Bloom.

"Apple Bloom. Miss Tiara here isn't the one assaulting my ear-tubes with that obnoxious noise that seems to be emanating from your persons." Diamond shot the girls a coy grin, but I ignored it. My head hurt, and that 'pinging' wasn't helping.

"I don't know what ya'll are talking..." The 'pinging' sounded again like some techno chorus from the depths of Tartarus. "... About." She chuckled nervously, her mits fumbling around inside her bag.

Diamond turned to me, her small smile and batting eyes gave away her morally dubious intent. I wouldn't have been as annoyed if it hadn't worked. But I couldn't resist, she's like a young me. Except with udders.

"Sir; usually teachers confiscate phones when they ring in class." It's the eyes, I can't resist those batting eyes.

"What a good idea... Apple Bloom!" I said, leaning up in my chair, catching her by surprise as she fumbled with her bag, clearly trying to find something. "Your phone please." I held up and expectant hoof, gesturing her to hoof it over.

"What?" Why she sounded surprised, I'll never know. When I pulled this sorta crap in school, I got a detention, a psychiatrist recommendation, and a beating when I got home. Granted, the beating was a given anyway, but still. One of the minor gripes that spoke legions of the sort of world Equestria had become, was how something as minor as standing up to a teacher, was seen as something that required professional help. Admittedly it wasn't the first time I'd done such a thing but... they were asking for it. I had to laugh at myself, I couldn't think straight with this constant ringing in my head.

"Hey, you can't do that... y-your just a sub!" Scootaloo quickly clapped a hoof over her mouth, realizing whom she'd just insulted.

Diamond gasped, as did a number of the observing students, their mutual conversation winding down to an uncomfortable silence.

"Did you hear that? Ohh, she insulted you, Sir!" Diamond pointed an accusing hoof Scootaloo's way. The 'pinging' resumed once more; I couldn't take much more of this.

"Scootaloo, go... I dunno, sit in the corner. And Apple Bloom, phone, now!"

Begrudgingly, Apple Bloom fished out her phone and walked past a smirking Diamond, dropping the peculiar device in my waiting hoof. "Come find me at the end of the day and you'll get this back." I placed it flat on the desk, groaning as it not only pinged but also vibrated, rattling slightly across the solid wood counter. While Apple Bloom was respectful enough to quietly return to her desk, Scootaloo, was less inclined.

Out the corner of my eye, where most interesting things tended to occur, I sighted Sweetiebelle tapping at her own phone in her lap, occasionally shooting Diamond a dirty look. I wonder why? What was she up to?

"B-but you can't just..." The tomboy looked back and forth between her friends, hoping for some form of support. Finding none, she sighed, dragging a chair over to the corner, nearest my person and sat facing the wall.

When the rattle sounded again , pounding the inside of my skull like a great many sledgehammers, followed by a birds tweet that sounded across the room, I hoofed the phone to Diamond. Other students phones gave off similar bird noises, although after Scootaloo had been made an example of, others were unwilling to risk the same.

"Hon, can you turn this thing off?" Diamond smirked as we each blew a pink bubble, both of which popped once contact was made with the other. Winking, she took the device and repeatedly tapped the screen. This alarmed the Crusaders for whatever reason, but I wasn't too concerned. I'd made my authority known, if they had a functioning brain between them, they'd remain quiet. The class resumed their idle chatter, several students occasionally snickering in Scootaloo's general direction.

Diamond's tapping stopped; leaning across the desk slightly to get a look at her face, she sat staring, mouth agape at the phone screen.

"Diamond?" I questioned. "Something the matter?" Her face turned a steadily deepening shade of red. "What? What is it?"

Don't mistake that little, panicked wording as me caring. I merely wanted an end to this meaningless teenage melodrama that was, one adult attempting to placate a room full of loud brats, plus one Diamond.

"That, Bitch!" she muttered to no-one. "Look." She hoofed the phone to me.

Barely making out what she had to say, I gripped the phone and took a look at the screen.

Diamond Tiara & Silver Spoon: Hot and Heavy in the Homeroom.

The message was followed by a picture of Diamond locking lips with another girl, a girl from this class as a matter of fact. One sitting at the front of this very class actually, looking up at Diamond with concerned eyes.
This 'Silver Spoon', in the picture, was dressed in a pink dress and lilac sweater, sitting at her desk with Diamond Tiara sitting on top. One hoof was up Diamond's shirt, an outline of her hoof clearly visible over Diamond's chest area whilst the other cupped her cheek.
Appearing equally passionate in the image, Diamond had one hoof holding the back of Silver's head whilst the other delved inside the top of Silver's dress, repeating Silver Spoon's motions. Adding to the already voyeuristic feel of the picture was the fact that it had clearly been taken through a window from the opposite side. Ahh memories.

Celestia, I wish I had a copy of this. But what really got my attention, was the little box and name that came after the words 'Posted by...'. The little box showed a stylised swirl of colors, Sunny's colors. My colors!

And the name... 'Anon-a-Miss'.

"Holy..." I started, before Diamond leapt to her hooves and sprinted out the door. "Diamond?" Myself and Silver Spoon said in unison. Looking over at her, she looked at me then at the door and once again back to me. Confliction spread across her face as others in the class took notice of Diamond's swift exit.

Nodding my head in the direction of the door, Silver Spoon shot me a grateful smile and dashed out after her... marefriend? Or whatever they call it here.

The device must act as some form of communicator between other phone owners. Beneath the picture was a steadily rising number of human claws pointed up, as well as growing amount of lewd messages, including, but not limited to...

See, I told you she was a rug muncher. LOLZ

She deserves it, #just-desserts

Aww, two stuck up bitches found love. JK XD

I'd still do em'. And they'd let me. #pimplife

Which ones the man in this relationship? lol :-p

I could go on and on, it certainly didn't stop there. Moving my hoof across the screen, the things it presented moved beyond the screens borders, revealing more slanderous tabloid trash similar to the Diamond and Silver story. In fact, there were a lot more like this, some 'posted by...' Anon-a-Miss, others by various humans.

I looked up from the phones, gazing around the awkwardly silent class, students all looking to me expectantly. All except Apple Bloom. The young red head stared straight forward, hooves gripping the edges of her desk as a nervous bead of sweat descended down her face. Momentarily her eyes darted to me before retreating forward once she caught my gaze.

Why was she so nervous out of everypony else?

Rising from my seat, I took five steps towards the door, each step a break in the stiffening silence. The hinges on the door emitted a long drawn-out squeak as I held it open.

Looking up at the clock, I noted that another five minutes were left in the lesson.

"Class, go do... whatever! I need to go see Princess Celestia about... something. Go!" The students didn't need to be told twice as they hurried out the door, to go where? I didn't know or care actually. I needed to know more about these phone message communications and how to do them myself. Anon-a-Miss was here, in the school. If I could fathom the infinite complexities of this device, I could use the information available to find the true identity of Anon-a-Miss. Or at least narrow it down to which class he/she's in.

Mental Check List
- Learn how to use a phone.
- Check on Diamond. (Not because I feel bad, just because I feel like it.)
- Make up with Sunny.
- And dispose of a Substitute Teacher.

Soon I'd have Anon-a-Miss at my mercy; the phone buzzing once more in my human claws.

Author's Note

You know what folks, something that's occurred to me recently.
No joke. Why do the Main Six judge others so harshly so quickly? Aren't they supposed to be the good guys?
I'm serious, in 'Boast Busters' Trixie says one line (promoting her own show btw) and suddenly the main six are acting like she's the second coming of Tirek the Destroyer. And by the end, she gets her home, her reputation and lively hood ruined, while the real villains get either moustaches or no blame at all. And when she comes back both times, they never try to apologize. Or accept some form of responsibility.
Then there's Iron Will, the guys running an honest business, but when one of their friends acts like a jerk, they blame him instead of the one tossing out personal insults.
Same for Rainbow in Mare-do-Well, her friends didn't even try to talk to her before they ripped the rug out from under her hooves.
I wouldn't complain so much except it seems they haven't really learned from their past mistakes.

In case you haven't figured it out, my most hated trope is (Protagonist-Centered-Morality). Just because they're the main characters, shouldn't mean they're automatically in the right, no matter what they do.
(Apologies for the great wall of text.)

An Endless Wall (Of Texts)

The winter weather brought with it, chattering teeth, intermittent shivers, and a whole plethora of disease and bacteria. As such, a crowded building packed to the ceiling with sweaty, loud, hormonal and otherwise rowdy teenagers, was not the ideal place for a stallion on a mission such as myself. All around the school, students clung to their removed layers, fearful of losing said property. Whilst the cold and frost battered the outside, the inside, as well as all those within were subjected to the vile whims of that most evil of human-kinds creations... The Central Heating Apparatus.

In simple ponies terms, 'Cold makes humans dress warm, school building's heater makes humans dress down.' Leaving them lumbered with bundles of thick clothing that their lockers could not hold.

'Fucking Hot!' I guess would be the appropriate maxim. These poor apes, if only they had fur such as my fellow ponies, or their simian relatives.

Without Diamond Tiara to act as my guide, and no way of knowing which way or where she'd gone, I was left to find the teachers lounge on my own. A monumental task given the sheer size if the school proper. Already I was greeted by the occasional snickers and hushed murmurs of the Anon-a-Miss post; Rumors and hearsay spread like wildfire passing from student to student. It was fascinating to observe. As a teacher, or rather an otherworldly escaped criminal posing as one, I am privy to a first hoof exposure to the machinations of the more cynical minded students. Half truths to flat out lies were offered, like bits to an escort pony, in the hopes of continuing to be a part of the drama. Accusations of Diamond and Silver engaging in sexual activities of a group nature was a much-discussed topic from what I could hear. Another was the infuriating and often repeated, "Yeah I took the picture, then I did em' both. They asked me to..." I wouldn't have been as irritated if Every. Single. Student hadn't believed them. But sure enough, each and every time they bought it, hook-line-and-sinker. If it added to the scandal, actual facts need not apply, at least in their eyes.

"Maudie~" Well, that loud squeal effectively derailed my train of thought. I would have turned to yell if I didn't recognize the voice.

Turning back, I had precious few seconds to throw myself against the row of lockers behind me as Trixie charged passed at Mach-ten. Gleefully she flung her arms around the shoulders of a tall, plain looking mare.

"I missed you sooo~ much." Then she nuzzled her cheek. Strange, my kind nuzzles as a form of greeting and mutual affection, but with humans, it just didn't look right.

"Trixie, my darling. Every moment we are apart, is another heavy stone upon my soul, gray and many, that only your tender touch may clear."

Was that poetry? Because if so, then that was the most unintentionally hilarious poetry I have ever heard. Not because it was bad, I'd call it average at best, but the delivery, now that was another beast entirely. This... Maudie spoke with a monotone, stoic tone of voice. Everything she said sounded like she was reading from the world's most boring technical manual. Yet Trixie seemed to melt with each word.

"Oh Maudie, you're so articulate." Maudie wrapped Trixie in a tight embrace, her expression unchanged; I guess opposites really do attract. Funny, I would never have taken Trixie for a filly-fooler. Meh, I won't judge, I have enjoyed their company many-a-time... filly-foolers I mean. And believe you me, when they say 'Look but don't touch!' You really shouldn't touch. Fuck, I've still got the scar on the back of my head from the lamp they tossed on my mad dash over their garden fence. Funny how my tail didn't make it into this world yet this scar remained.

It's true what they say; Sometimes painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know.

Hmm, I could use that in my next lecture. Dear Celestia, one day here and I've already gone native.

Funny, this is the longest I've spent in the presence of two filly-foolers without slipping an 'I.O.U' into a G-string. They never once laughed but I thought it was funny.

"Oh, Mr. Dreamer." The sound of Trixie's voice snapped me out of my reminiscing, as is often a requirement whenever I have filly-foolers on the brain.

The show-mare dragged her marefriend towards me, arms linked as though this 'Maudie', was somepony that I just had to meet. Unfortunately, I don't have time for any more of this sweet, saccharine shit, pushing this facade is physically and mentally exhausting. Not to mention all this smiling is starting to hurt my face. And yet despite my edging away, she persisted, dragging her like arm candy around like an excitable mare introducing their special somepony to their parents. Maudie seemed as uninterested as I.

"Mr. Dreamer. Allow Trixie to introduce you to the jewel of her life, her... I mean, my girlfriend, Maud." In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that 'Maudie' was a cute pet name. That being said, 'Twinkle' is the most common first name back home, so 'Maudie' wasn't exactly eyebrow-raising in regard to names.

Maud and I held our gaze upon one another, an unspoken staring contest taking place whilst a half confused/ half nervous Trixie stood by the wayside, her eyes darting back and forth, unsure of what to do.

Seeing everything blur then descent into tunnel vision, I was forced to yield this match to Maud. I gotta hoof it to her, this mare is a staring champion , her bored expression didn't falter once. Smirking, I held out my hand to her, "Pleased to meet you, Maud." She did not respond.

Her stoic expression masked eyes that saw all. I could feel her emotionless stare, tearing away my disguise, revealing my true self, my darkest secrets on display for her to rifle through and dissect at her leisure. My breath caught in my throat as the spawn of darkness, known to the mortal plane as 'Maud' took a step forward. A bead of sweat ran down my face, the closer she approached, the more exposed I felt. And those eyes, that cold, dead-eyed stare. Like the predator's gaze of a midnight owl plunging into the dark, moments before it ends an unwary vole within its razor-sharp talons.

Another step; as she closed the gap, my hoof still dangling awkwardly in the air, I could make out each of the small freckles on her cheeks, almost unnoticeable against her otherwise flawless skin. Wordless step after wordless step brought her closer still; fear drew my mind back to alcohol-fueled stories of sailors adrift alone in the harsh unforgiving sea, and I wonder... was this the same fear they felt as the black, soulless eyes of a Great-White approached from the dark waters beneath.

She raised a hand, empty eyes shrouding her true intentions. This is it, no time to compare more animals, here it comes. One touch from this soulless reaper and the depths of Tartarus will be all I know. Flinching as my eyes clamped shut, I threw up my hooves in self-defense, if she wanted my life then she'd have to fight me for it.

However, my swift death never came.

Opening my eyes I was greeted by the blank stare of Maud, her paw held out awaiting another, like a dark specter ready to make some Faustian bargain for my immortal being.

"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Dreamer." Dear Celestia! Every word from her human muzzle is so utterly devoid of... Everything! I suppose that's what unnerves me the most. With everypony I've ever met I could read them and know all I need just from a few glances and a peek in their eyes. It's a skill that has saved my life on more than one occasion, but with this 'Maud' I was left blind. Everything about her is plain; No crumbs or stains to indicate her eating habits or bruises that might give away her behaviors. Even her stance was unreadable, I couldn't tell if she was serious or joking, she could be gearing up to tear my head off and I'd be caught completely unaware.

Awkwardly brushing off the flinching, which was by no means cowardly thanks to the universal law of 'because I said so', I wearily shook Maud's hoof. Biting my cheek, I quickly withdrew; does this Maud girl punch rocks for a living? Her grip is like a blacksmith's vice. Or those bear-traps my old crew and I set up to catch fleeing refugees in war-torn 'Her-Kuush', gotta hoof it to those Cyclops, they treat their own like garbage but they'll pay through the snout for a little expert 'Foreign-aide'.

Trixie appeared visibly relieved that we'd finally greeted one another, after what I can only assume was five solid minutes of averted gazes and emotionless stares.

"Well Trixie, Maud, as much as I would love to stay and chat, I'm afraid I have somewhere I need to be. Oh, I wonder, could either of you possibly tell me where I might find the teachers lounge?" Trixie stopped to think, but her marefriend continued to stare at me. I really didn't want to be here, not with this Maud character. Every sugar-coated word I offered whilst under her gaze made my spine quiver... its like she knew I was lying, like she could just tell.

The question was, how?

Hoof on her hip, Trixie snapped her digits together.

"Trixie remembers now, Sir." 'Sir', I will never get tired of hearing that. "It's two double doors on the top floor, down the hall from your classroom actually."

I'm swearing internally.

I clapped my hooves together before patting them both on the shoulder in passing. And with Maud watching me leave like a crocodile observes a careless river-traveler, I was quick to get out of there.

"Ah, excellent. Well then, I must take my leave. Have a good day ladies." On that note, I speed walked down the hall and stopped a few steps around the corner, releasing a breath I didn't even realize I was holding. I will forever remember this day, as the day I discovered what it means to feel fear once again.

I have seen the face of darkness, and her name is 'Maud'.

"What was that about, Maudie?" Trixie's voice echoed down the vacant hall. I'd say I don't want to eavesdrop... but I do.

"There is something... off about that man," Oh you have got to be kidding me! "I can't place my finger on it, but my 'Maud-Sense' is telling me he's bad news."

'Maud-Sense'? Sounds like something out of a creatively bankrupt comic-book. Meh, I prefer Bat-Mane anyway.

"Your families special abilities?" Hmm, runs in the family I see.

"It varies from person to person; we'd better find my sister, she might have the same vibes." Sister? Trixie audibly sighed as the sound of two sets of hooves faded into the distance.

"Pinkie Pie, joy. Just bare in mind when she tells you, the teacher made me do it." Wow, thank you, Trixie. Throwing me under the friendship express like that.

"Made you do what?" I heard Maud ask as they finally moved out of earshot. So, Pinkie Pie, the excitable pink one from my class and my worlds Element of Laughter, is related to this Maud-She-Demon. And she has extra-sensory abilities? Either that or her family were gifted people readers; for now, who could say?

xxx

The long and arduous climb to the top floor had taken its toll on what little energy I had left. The last time I'd eaten anything was two days before my arrival in this teenage cesspool of zits and almost rhythmic tapping, continuously drumming their sweaty, dirty meat claws against their phone boxes. And these young ones wonder where their acne comes from.

Perhaps I should have made base camp in the second-floor janitors closet, continued to the summit in the morning. I jest, though after tracing the length of these stairs, up and down like a yo-yo for the umpteenth time, I could do with a break, at the very least it might have improved my throbbing head. That was what you did after a head injury right? Sleep?

Nearing the top of the stairs, an all too familiar buzzing and subsequent bird chirp sounded from within my pocket. It's a shame Diamond wasn't able to turn the damned thing off.

Removing the device from my pocket, a message was illuminated on the screen.

"User has been logged out of 'MyStableApp' due to inactivity. Please log back in to resume."

Logged Out? Damn! I had access to Anon-a-Miss's playground this whole time. Perfect! Oh well, it was only the MyStable of young Apple Bloom. Not like I'd get anything useful from her... right? Welp, too late now. Maybe Sunny could help me obtain a 'MyStable' of my own.
Speaking of Sunny, where exactly had she run off to? And Diamond for that matter. Why do most women I talk to nowadays, end with them running away in tears? I mean we ponies are no stranger to bursts of over-emotion, heck, I once witnessed three ponies incite a riot at the 'Manehatten Flower Show' because one of them misplaced their shears.

So many ponies injured; So many cash registers emptied. Sometimes ponies just invite crime.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, ponies and humans, too emotional for their own good.

The brass handle to the teacher's lounge door shifted effortlessly in my grip; remarkable things these human hooves. So much easier than opening a door with one's pony hooves, or worse, our mouths. Hoof and mouth disease, thy name is everypony. Sweet Celestia, I'm easily distracted today. Perhaps it was the prospect of introducing my alter-ego to my fellow educators, fooling two teachers and a hoof full of students was one thing, but an entire room full of trained scholars? Who knew what questions might come my way? Up until now, I've been working this Daylight Dreamer persona on the fly. Making it up as I go along.

In my youth, back when I was black-eyed, rat-tailed and always equipped with a sloppily written excuse note from my parents explaining my injuries. I often wondered what the inside of the teacher's lounge might look like. I'd usually have a good view of the door from my seat opposite, sat outside the guidance councilors office.

I envisioned large comfy chairs, buffet tables of food and a pinboard that rated each student by IQ and what you can see.

I was kinda stupid back then.

Instead, the room consisted of two dirty windows on the far wall, a sink and refrigerator on the right and a gray metal table and chairs to the left. And instead of the baker's dozen of teachers I'd expected, there was only five.
A cranky old geezer in a brown pullover and topped with a bad hairpiece stood motionless in front of the open refrigerator.
A cheerful, pink maned woman sat opposite a big burly human with a mohawk at the table, the two of them engaged in pleasant conversation.
A well-dressed man in a red fez and bow tie moved from the corner, a book labeled 'A Brief History of Time' held tight in his hooves. He grinned at me as he left, I don't know why, but there's something very... Trottingham, about him.

Although the real draw of my attention was the lovely firm rear attached to the navy blue maned individual leaning out the window, a lit cigarette in her hoof. Tight cream pants around a supple seat and a smoker? If she knows how to pour a drink, I'm hers.

Boldly striding forward I leaned out the window next to her. Curious eyes regarded me for a moment before returning to the students playing hoof ball in yonder field behind the school.

"Ahem... kinda funny isn't it?" The human raised her eyebrow for a moment but chose instead to respond by taking another drag of her cigarette. I rubbed the back of my neck and continued. "Cause, ya know... We used to be just like them, and now it's like staring into an anthill. They have their own way of doing things, but for the life of me, I can't understand what they are."

The woman turned back to me, her eyes giving me the once over before a small smile graced her lips.

"How so?" Well, she's interested in conversation, so at least the ice has been broken.

"Have you heard about all this 'Anon-a-Miss' drama? I swear, I've only been here for one day and already I've had to break-up a fight and had a student run out of class, in tears, because of something called 'My Stable'. It really makes you think. Whatever happened to simply talking? Now it's all, a few taps on a screen and 'boom' a students social standing is over." The woman exhaled a sizable puff of smoke out the window, coughing a few times before she looked at me a solemn look upon her brow.

"Ah yes... Anon-a-Miss. Believe me, Mr... um. I'm sorry, I don't believe I got your name."

"My mistake, I'm Mr. Dreamer. The substitute philosophy teacher. A surprisingly popular class I must say, not that there's anything wrong with that, its just I've never known students, teenagers no less, to be that interested in the musings of life." Neither was I actually, though I must admit the subject does grow on you after a while.

The woman's smile returned as she bumped her hoof against mine. Always refreshing to see a Down-to-Equestria teacher.

"Well... and please don't take this the wrong way. But from what I have seen and heard over 'Public' postings on 'MyStable' and hushed whispers in the halls, Philosophy is largely considered... a drop class." An awkward silence between us threatened to end the conversation as well as the promise of a potential boning in the janitors closet once the proper groundwork has been laid, but I am nothing if not persistent.

"One of many extracurricular classes the students must choose from, believe me I know. It's just that where I come from most would opt for 'Foreign Languages' or some sort of sport." Well, it was a half-truth. I didn't actually know which classes most students opted for, I hadn't stayed that long. Although given the sheer number of ponies who spoke in 'Gryphon Tongue' it was an educated guess.

"Oh really," Glad to see I've got her full attention. And wow-wee, her udders were immaculate, like two bouncy sweater melons. I mean I'm not really into dairy cows or minotaurs or really anything that needs a support bra. But I'm willing to try anything once. Plus there was this one messed up looking yellow pony from... I wanna say 'Balitmare', and unlike pretty much everypony everywhere, she had two of the biggest, dangling... "Mr. Dreamer?"

Oh shit, I drifted off again. Really living up to the whole 'Dreamer' name.

"Huh? Sorry, I was uh," Don't say checking your chest! "Distracted by... your cigarette. Mind if I bum one of those?"

The woman looked from her hand to me and casually drew one from a small silver cigarette case attached to her belt. Good, I like a mare that comes prepared. Taking the end in my lips, we connected the tips of our cig's together. So if the 'Prench' kiss both cheeks, and the Yaks of the North nuzzle their noses together, then surely in some culture this could be considered a kiss of sorts. A very urban, back street, hush-hush wink-wink sorta kiss, but still, beggars can't be choosers.

"So you're a smoker too?" A stupid question to ask in hindsight, but hey, I was making small talk.

"Was it so obvious?" She chuckled a little before taking another puff. I'm impressed, this lady has experience, she didn't hotbox it, she took that smoke down the windy valley and back again. "Let me tell you, my sister tried to get me to quit a few years back, it was a nightmare! I was snapping at everyone I saw, I gave students detention for something as small as loitering, and one time I got so desperate for a drag I tried to smoke a three-year-old, hand-rolled cigarette I found under my desk."

Damn, this bitch is hardcore!

Breathing deep I exhaled like a pro, feeling the tension fly away, along with the smoke ring I made. It'd been days since my last cigarette so this came as a much welcome relief.

"Hey, nice." I'm glad she was impressed, few ponies could make the ring last as long as I. "I'm Vice Principal Luna by the way."

Two seconds later I was coughing up a small fog. This whole time I'd been talking with Princess Luna?! Or rather her human counterpart. Honestly, I had to cough to keep from laughing. Again, in one world she controls a giant chunk of rock in the sky as well as the many stars and the tides. But here, she controls cheap store-brand coffee and the whole buildings supply of paper clips.

Although that does raise the question... Who rules this world?

But then I remember that I don't care.

"A pleasure... (Cough) to meet you, Principal Luna."

I felt a hoof rubbing my back as I turned to find it belonged to Luna.

"Please, call me 'Luna' when the students aren't around. Otherwise, I'll feel like an old fuddy-duddy." The two of us shared a laugh. You know I have to say, Princess Celestia and Luna seemed much easier to talk to in this world. I'd only met ol'Sunbutt once before I began my new life. It was... not pleasant.

But that's a story for another time.

For a good long while, the two of us conversed about all things education. Our favorite teaching methods, myself favoring the laid-back 'I'm one of you guys.' approach. Whilst she preferred the 'Tough but Fair' way of doing things. Admirable. We also shared a common fondness for the color red, an affinity for jazz music and a love for risk-taking that borders on the erotic. Oh if only I could get this woman to see my way of thinking, I can scarcely imagine the sheer length of our crime sprees as we plundered Equestria for all its worth. And when we're inevitably caught, we'll call it a crime of passion and go out in a hail of magic and explosions. Yeah, lots of lovely explosions.

Still, all good things must come to an end. The double doors opened revealing the sumptuous Sunbutt of, well, Sunbutt as she backed through the doors, two pink boxes held tight in her hooves.

"I'm back for lunch. And I brought donuts." The five of us not holding donuts voiced our appreciation as we each clamored for a confectionary from the table. Tia took a cruller, Luna went for a ring with chocolate icing, narrowly edging out the pink-maned woman by inches, and I went for one with strawberry filling...

What? There's no reason, I just like it! I don't have to have a reason behind every little thing I do, that's stupid.

Who am I talking to?

Anywho, Tia looked over at me and raised her donut into the air. "A toast, to the new sub. May his knowledge brighten the lives of our students, at least until Professor Magnet returns from Los Pegasus." Great, now all eyes are on me, thanks Sunbutt. Luna leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Sorry, she gets like this every time she goes to the bakery."

Clearing my throat, I turned to face my expectant colleagues.

"Hmm, I guess all I can say is... Here's to what I hope will be an eventful few weeks." With that, I raised my pastry into the air as the others did the same, followed by a chorus of 'hear-hear', except the old guy who merely grumbled as he took a bite of his almond-topped croissant. Did I expect to be here for more than a week? No, not really. If all goes well, I'd have Sunny back in Equestria by Hearths-Warming and my buried plunder unearthed from the Everfree Forest floor. Provided a dragon hasn't dug it up and eaten it.

"Well said, brother." The burly human male gave me a firm punch on the arm. "Nice to see some new blood around here. I can tell just by lookin'atcha that you know exercise. Right? Tell me I'm right." And another arm punch. Thankfully I felt no pain, despite my arm hanging limp by my side, devoid of feeling. I think he severed a nerve. Thank the gods I tossed my cigarette out the window or we'd have a pretty serious fire on our hooves.

"Trust me, I'm no stranger to the jogging track or the weights set, Mr..."

"Will; Coach Iron Will." The two of us clapped our hooves together in a tight hoof shake. Up close his muscles are much more pronounced, seriously, this human was build like a dairy cow on steroids, or some larger variation of the aforementioned bovine.

"Now this here is, Miss Cheerilee. Our longtime English teacher and on again/off again librarian." He was, of course, referring towards the short, pink-maned woman. Who, from the front, was actually much younger than her mane style lead me to believe. And calling Miss Cheerliee short, is like calling Princess Celestia 'A bit bigger than most ponies.' Understatement of the year. In height, she was only an inch taller than Sunny, at best.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. Dreamer." And she has such dainty human hooves. Like a plush doll.

"Likewise, my dear." I shook her hoof with gusto, shame she's not my type, I'll bet she's into some nasty razza-mataz. She's got that reserved look about her. "And what's your name good sir?"

The old codger didn't respond, instead, he grumbled something and returned to his croissant. Well, Fuck. You. Too old man! Rude old people, one of my top three pet peeves. Right up there with 'Standing behind a fat pony on a hot day' and 'Ponies who label those around them as Good and Evil'. I wanted to push this, but thankfully for him, Celestia intervened.

"Oh don't mind Mr. Doodle."

"It's Cranky!" The old man interrupted. And boy did he live up to his namesake.

Also, 'Doodle'. Hilarious.

"Right, right. Mr. Cranky." Was... was she snickering? Celestia you cheeky minx. Luna wasn't holding out much better, from my peripheral vision I saw her cheeks turn red as she held back a laugh. Mr. Cranky groaned and moved away to the bubbling coffee pot.

As normal conversation resumed, an all too familiar buzz vibrated from within my pocket, fishing it out I found an illuminated box that read...

New Group Text Message: slide to continue...

Looking up, I noticed Celestia and Luna conversing, about what? I don't know. However, it was enough to wipe the smiles from their muzzles so I can only hope it doesn't involve me. Coach Iron and Cheerliee seemed rather invested from their positions on the sidelines so that just left me and Doodle, and something tells me, he's not up for talking.

Gently I slid a claw across the phonebox screen. I moaned internally as a faint but noticeable claw smudge was left in its wake. Disgusting. But ultimately necessary as the screen went blank, swiftly replaced by a white screen with a large stack of boxes in three different colors. Before I could begin to read, a violet box appeared with a buzz, underneath an orange box. In fact, allot of these were mostly orange and violet with the exception of a few yellow boxes that you had to slide a claw down the screen to see.

And oh me oh my, what a plethora of juicy delights this wonderous device did reveal unto me. Starting at the top, I read down towards the latest box to appear. An interesting form of communication, these phone boxes. Each box was marked with a name and time. Was it sick reading back and forth messages from those three little brats from earlier. Kinda... but then again they did interrupt my class, and personal privacy has never stopped me before.

Scootaloo 09:34am - Hey girls, ya see Diamond Tiara bk there?

Diamond Tiara? What are they talking about? She was at the front of my class. Also 'bk' what's that supposed to mean?

Sweetie Belle 09:36am - IKR?! Can you hear what's she's saying 'AB'?

These must have been during an earlier class, given the time. But again, 'IKR'? 'AB'? Is this some sort of super sophisticated human code? Those three twerps must be smarter than I gave them credit for.

You 09:40am - OMG! Can U believe it?! She's sayin' a teacher called her a beauty queen.

Huh, I guess that makes sense. A capital 'U' can be used in place of the word 'You' to save space. And to think, my old Equish teacher used to give me detention for doing that. But here, it's an accepted part of their written language. Now, what could 'OMG' possibly mean?

Sweetie Belle 09:42 - Srsly? OMG WTF.

And now they're just writing gibberish.

Scootaloo 09:43 - Shes such a liar! We should def send the picture now.

That got me to pause. A picture, what picture?

You 09:45 - No Scoots, we said we'd save it!

Save it? Save it for what? What are they blathering about?

Sweetie Belle 09:47 - Why not, AB? After this, she'll never bully anyone again.

Hey, if you're all too weak to deal with it then get the buck outta her way. Law of the jungle ladies, history favors the strong.

Scootaloo 09:49 - Yh, we're doing the scool a favor.

For starters, that's not how you spell 'school'. Secondly, 'Yh'? I'm gonna look all this up on the inter-web computer box later. Moving the screen down, skimming through what amounted to a series of 'Should we do this?' and 'We should do this!' I finally found something different, and yet so painfully familiar.

You 11:05 - Why's the teacher banging his head?

Yeah, this was my class. Speaking of which, do I have to pay for that? The blackboard I cracked.

Sweetie Belle 11:07 - He's been doing this since we come in.

Since we 'came' in, you moron.

Scootaloo 11:12 - LOL, he fell over!

Why do I keep seeing 'LOL' today? What could it mean?
Little Old Lady? I'm not old.
Lick Orange Lollies? I hate suckers.
Look Of Love? I don't like that song... No, that was a lie, I do.

You 11:17 - YeeHaw, we get a free period.

Sweetie Belle 11:23 - Should we call someone? He cracked the blackboard.

Hmm, the time skips forward quite a ways after this. Then again, I did offer them a free period, why would they need to use these phones-boxes when they could speak freely. The next one picks up just before I sent everypony packing.

Sweetie Belle 11:45 - That's it, I've had it with Diamond Tiara. Soz grlz, I'm posting the pic!

Again with this picture? What picture? Apparently, it has something to do with... Diamond Tiara... Oh, Buck! And just like that, the pieces fall into place. Applebloom and her friends...

Must have sent that revealing picture to Anon-a-Miss!

Scootaloo 11:55 - I can't believe you did that. That was so awesome, Diamond's gonna taste her own medicen. Lol XD

'XD'? Oh whatever, no time for talk of code or pointing out that 'medicine' has another 'i' in it. This is concrete evidence, I mean it doesn't prove who Anon-a-Miss is, but at least I can bust those three brats. All I have to do is show this to Principal Celestia and watch the drama unfold.

Sweetie Belle 11:59 - I can't believe the sub took AB's phone, and why'd he call the Principle 'Princess Celestia'?

Shit! Did I do that? Luna dammit! I mean I could play it off as a slip of the tongue, but damn, I should not be making mistakes like that! I can only hope they don't read too much into it. But then again, it's their word against mine. And in my experience with these things, the higher authorities within the school justice system tend to favor the educator.

Scootaloo 12:10 - SweetieBelle, this is Applebloom. Stop Texting! I left my phone unlocked!

Sweetie Belle 12:11 - So what? Teachers can't go through our phones without a good reason so who cares.

Scootaloo 12:13 - I forgot to close the MyStable page!

That's where the message boxes stop. Why would she be scared that she left her silly MyStable open? Big deal, so I won't read about the many ways these human-apes can butcher the Equish language or whatever else they put on these things, something tells me I'll get over it.

"Mr. Dreamer?" My inner damage control was interrupted by the voices of Celestia and Luna, gesturing for me to rejoin the group.

"Sorry; Little side business I've got going on." I finished my donut and returned the phone to my jacket, probably best to test the water before I commit to this, if Miss Sweetie Belle is correct then I don't wanna accidentally screw myself over due to a lack of student/teacher communication. No sense revealing myself over a phone-box device, no matter its complexities.

"I know whatcha mean. I coach baseball on the weekends." Strange, I never would've pegged Coach Iron Will as a baseball fan. He seems more of the heavy-weight, cage-match wrestling type. All within the circle of teachers, Mr. Cranky included, looked to me with varying degrees of curiosity as Celestia spoke.

"Luna tells me you've had a... less-than-pleasant morning." Her tone is serious and yet her face conveys real concern. Weird beings these humans, so much easier to read than ponies but at the same time, they're so eager to force these feelings down and throw on a false grin. Which ironically is their biggest and therefore most obvious giveaway.

"If you count breaking up a fight, interruptions from an unruly student and another having a full-blown breakdown as 'less-than-pleasant'. Then yes, I have had better starts to the day, so to speak." Best to keep things vague for now. No need to point out that I may have had a hoof in those first too. Not bad for my first day.

"I take it the last one involved Diamond Tiara?" Well, that was surprising.

"Yes, how'd you know?"

"It's all the students are talking about right now." Celestia sighed and leaned against the table. "That poor girl, things are bad enough with her home life right now without this, 'Anon-a-Miss' making things worse. I mean, outing someone's sexuality like that?"

Wow, Celestia really cares about her students. I've never known a teacher who'd do that. Also, what was that about her home life? I'll have to look into that later.

"That poor girl. I can't believe 'Anon-a-Miss' could actually be a member of the student body. How could someone be so... heartless."

You know, in all my years, even I've never been referred to as heartless. Maybe that why hearing it now really drove the point home, as well as my resolve. Anon-a-Miss must be found, but for now, I can settle for proving who really sent the picture.

"Don't act so surprised Cheerilee, we all know Anon-a-Miss is really Sunset Shimmer."

... Damn it Luna! And to think I was gonna bang you!

Celestia turned to her sister and then the teaching staff all of whom were nodding in agreement. Well, Cheerliee was more hesitant, but she still nodded all the same.

"Everyone, for the hundredth time. We can't be sure that it's her yet." But Luna wasn't having any of it.

"And I'm telling you for the two-hundredth time, sister. All evidence points squarely in Miss Shimmer's direction. Let's not forget the previous five years of drama that delinquent brought upon this school and it's students." As much as I wanted to hear more about this alleged 'drama', sounds like a good laugh, I wasn't about to stand around and have somepony accuse my sister of something she did not commit. But Celestia beat me to it.

"And let's not also forget her past six months of perfect behavior, excellent grades and..." She looked my way for a brief moment. "Her other, shall we say, services to the school." The other teachers chimed in with their own stories of Sunny's exploits, for both good and ill. But I'd had enough of standing on the sidelines and decided to throw in my two bits.

"I may not have as much experience as everyone else in this room, however, from what I've seen, Miss Shimmer has been victimized, bullied and harassed by the student body on several different occasions. I mean does she even have any friends?"

"Doubtful... she most probably lost them after she spread their personal secrets online." It's amazing how Luna can just throw my 'real' points away without so much as a brief consideration. Apparently, Celestia shared this sentiment.

"Lulu, that doesn't make any sense. As I've told you before, why would Sunset go out of her way to hurt the very friends she's worked so hard to keep? And even then, why would she do it in a way that so obviously incriminates her? It doesn't add up." Thank you, Celestia, for being a voice of reason. Luna faced her sister, as a lioness would against a rival for dominance.

"Oh please, sister! Miss Shimmer was always a little full of herself. Parading around the school, acting like she owned the place. You'd think she were royalty with her behavior. Do you have any idea just how many students I've had to console? How many students have transferred schools, just to get away from her abuse?!" Oh Luna, if only you knew what your counterpart has accomplished! Hmm, there's a thought, what did Luna do in this world that could rival 'Nightmare Moon'?

The other teachers voiced their own opinions of sister dearest, not one of them positive. And all the while, there stands Celestia, like a soldier on the battlefield, surrounded on all sides by an enemy she cannot fully understand.

"Look, all I'm saying is I've known allot of students that fit that distinction," This is your first time as a teacher, remember! "They made us study a six-month course on what to look out for, and from what I've seen, Miss Shimmer fits the description of an abuse victim to a tee." Bravo brain, bravo.

Celestia nodded in agreement, good to know I've got somepony on my side. Although I must admit, the counter-productivity of my own actions has not escaped my thoughts. I mean my endgame is to bring Sunny home with me and 'boom' happily ever after. Yet here I am, trying to prove Sunny's innocence. I could let my sister suffer this abuse and wait until she inevitably came running back, so why don't I?

Because she's my baby sister, the one thing my parents gave me that made home worth coming back to. The same bubbly filly, who run up to me one gray autumn evening with a black eye and a big grin, who told me in flawless detail about how she'd 'finally' stood up to her bullies at school, and won. I was so proud of her that I used what little money I had left to buy us both ice-cream. We ate mint-chip atop the Canterlot wall and watched the moon rise over the horizon. Ahhh, sweet memories.

"A victim?!" Again, Luna? These interruptions are getting tedious. "Mr. Dreamer, while I have not doubt that you may have witnessed a plethora of crocodile tears emanating from Miss Shimmer's vicinity," Geez, does this woman take a dictionary to bed? "I must remind you that you don't know what Sunset Shimmer is truly capable of." If only you knew, Luna. That being said, if she were talking to someone, not in the know, that sentence would come across as poorly written and cheesy. Like a half backed writer, vying for somepony to call him 'deep' and 'powerful', when really he's grasping at low-hanging fruit.

What the buck am I talking about?

"Well, I did prevent her from being assaulted by two two young thugs outside. Or has the definition of victim changed in the last twenty-four hours? My dear~." Really drew out that last part. But why shouldn't I? Luna's being an ass. Although judging by the group's expressions, I may have dropped this proverbial bombshell, a little too soon.

The group exploded in a cascade of questions and off tangent speeches declaring the failing state of education.

Okay technically that last one was all on Cranky, but from what little I could hear, it was pretty much just him denouncing the use of technology and a decree that we should all 'Go back to the way things used to be.' so I paid him no mind.

"What happened?"
"Why is this happening in our school?!"
"Was it anyone from the football team? I can't afford to cut anyone right now!"
"Are you alright dear? And on your first day."

That last one was Cheerliee, such a nice thing to say. Whichever student she beds as a desperate break from the monotony of daily life is gonna be one lucky S.O.B.

"Quiet!" Goddamn, Luna sure has a set of lungs on her. "Now how about you 'calmly' tell us what happened." Well, I was hoping to avoid this, but alright, I'm sure I can keep my little contributions to these events on the down-low. Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself, have to appear involved but not to involved, after all, I did only start today and therefore have no bias when it comes to the students.

"Alright, now first off, the fight I mentioned took place a little ways away from the school before I technically started here. So I wasn't sure if that counted or not."

"Doesn't matter, if it involves our students we want to know about it. Please continue..." Wow, Luna's attitude is like a candle, either she's burning or she's chill, it's like there's no middle ground with her. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, I don't know.

"I see... anyway, I had to break-up, what I believed to be, an attempted assault by two large male students against the young girl. They grabbed her and she started screaming so a chased them away. And the whole time, these other two girls, they just stood by and watched."

A stunned silence echoed throughout the teacher's lounge. Even Cranky quit flapping his gums.

"Your joking. This... at our school!" Celestia finally broke the quiet. "What happened?"

"Well, they made a lot of threats, grabbed Sunset and raised a fist against her, then I ran up and..." Watch what you say! "I guess I must've surprised them because they dropped her and ran off towards the school. Then the two girls came over and offered to walk her the rest of the way. But I accompanied them on the off chance they tried anything themselves, I mean it's not like they were in any rush to help when she actually needed it, and you can never be too careful with matters such as this."

Celestia raised a hand to speak again but was cut off by her sister.

"Could you identify these students? I will not tolerate physical bullying within my school!" Gotta tread carefully here, word this right and I'll have earned the principles trust, both of them. Word this wrong and I'm implicating myself and inviting the possibility of a further investigation into my... outside of work activities.

"I may be able to, I know for a fact that the two males involved were wearing sports attire." All attention in the room momentarily shifted toward Iron Will, who let out a hushed, 'Damn it!'. "The other girls were members of my first class. One had rainbow hair and the other seemed rather fashionable."

Most looks of worry, aside from Celestia and myself, were immediately replaced by relief, 'Are you kidding?' expressions, and dull surprise.

"Ah, I think I see what's going on." Luna walked up to my left and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry to tell you my friend, but the most likely instigator of this violent act would be Miss Shimmer herself."

"Wha..." I made to say, before a slap on the back cut me off.

"Whoo, you had us worried for a second there, my friend." Now I see why the coach is a fan of baseball, with his strength I have to wonder why he's still teaching gym class. Guy damn near knocked the wind out of me and everything. Cheerliee walked over and helped me regain my balance.

"Mr. Dreamer, those girls you mentioned are Miss Rainbow Dash and Rarity Belle. They're both very gifted students." So that's an excuse?

"And while you may not be aware of their... shall we say, history at this school, believe us when we say, they would never be so petty as to allow another student to be harmed. Even one who has hurt their trust." Well, at least now I know where Cheerliee and Luna stand on this.

"Ladies, I know what I saw!" Again, Luna made to cut me off.

"And I'm telling you, you don't know the full story. I do believe that Miss Shimmer has done enough to incur the fury of her classmates, but I'm sorry... I refuse to believe that Miss Dash or Miss Belle would stand idly by and watch a student..."

"And I'm telling you, I know what I saw..."

"No, it's what you think you saw, but in reality..."

Thankfully this conflict of belief vs fact did not come to blows, thanks in large part to Celestia's timely intervention. Turning her sister by the shoulder to face her, Celestia's normally calm demeanor was replaced by the stern seriousness that her princess counterpart was known to wear. At least when non-conformists are around.

"Sister, you cannot judge one student on pure speculation whilst ignoring claims against others for the exact same reasons. We have no proof against Sunset Shimmer aside from personal history, most of which has been punished, redeemed and forgiven. Meanwhile, we have the testimony of a new teacher, with no personal bias and a witness. I believe we should call Miss Belle and Miss Dash in and hear their side of the events in question and make an informed decision."

Now that was a mouthful. Bravo Celestia, bestill my beating black heart, I think I'm in love. Luna slapped a hoof to her face and groaned in frustration.

"Sister, if we spend much longer just 'gathering information 'Anon-a-Miss' will either delete the account, eliminating all the evidence. Or she will continue her fear-mongering and more physical confrontations will occur, both on and off school property, if Mr. Dreamer is to be believed." Although it was clear from her tone of voice that, no, she did not. "Let's call in Miss Shimmer, deliver punishment where punishment is due and be done with it."

"I'm telling you, Luna, without actual proof, I will not hop aboard the 'Sunset is guilty bandwagon'."

That's good.

"However, in regards to this 'alleged' fight, unless one of the students in question comes forward, I'm afraid there isn't much we can do."

That's bad.

"What?! Why? Isn't my testimony enough. I saw what happened with my own eyes." What kinda school is this?

"Yes... but by your own admission, it did not take place on school grounds. We can give them a stern talking to and a lengthy stint in detention if it involved another student. But aside from that, I'm afraid our jurisdiction ends at the sidewalk outside."

Oh, you have got to be shitting me! Really? You're gonna do nothing! I take back what I thought about this place, this world is more like Equestria than I gave it credit. Giving praise to the deemed, 'Good' and 'Very gifted' whilst those of us who actually need help are thrown to the wayside.

Who has time for a student being repeatedly harassed because he doesn't have a cutie-mark? When one of the attacker's parents is on the school board.

Why should the city guard believe a ponies parents are abusing him and his sister? When the accuser swore at Princess Cadance one time. And got him detained for it!

Why should a Princess tell 'ANYPONY' that her student has disappeared? When she can just lock her means of escape away, find a new student, days later and act like she never existed!

Do I have issues? Yes, but I should just accept that by now.

A knocking rapped at the Teachers Lounge doors, drawing everyone's attention away from the ethical debate of 'Circumstantial Evidence v Probable Intent'. Celestia poked her head out the door for a moment; words were exchanged, followed by a startled exclamation of concern from the other side.

"Mr. Dreamer. Could you step out here for a moment?" And all eyes on me again. Now, what have I done?

"Now please!" Oh shit, she's serious.

As I approached the door, I had to wonder... What does Maud sound like during sex?

And on that note, time to face whoever's beyond that door.

Will this day never end?!!

Author's Note

Fuck me, that took a long time! But finally, we have another chapter done and dusted, I'll update sooner next time. Really should have added a 'Maud' tag, (And one for Diamond Tiara actually.) Damn this five character limit. As for the lack of a Stolen Diary Entry, you'll see why, next chapter.

A word to the wise my horned, winged and/or earthbound bros, with regards to my previous A/N about Protagonist-Centered-Morality, don't expect things to always go my guy's way. (I'd hate that as much as you.) Also, you're gonna see why I've built my guy up as the villain he really is. (Remember: Up until now... He's been playing nice!)

(And now for something to lighten the mood. Because Derp :derpytongue2: )

Has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was kinda funny.

Into The Depths (Of Dispair)

My heart caught in my throat; well actually it was more like my heart leaped clean out of my throat and performed a rousing song and dance number on my head. Complete with top hat and cane. Because top hats make everything better.

'Mental note: When I assemble my next disguise, include a top hat.'

Bidding my fellow educators farewell, I braced myself for the adrenaline-fueled punch-up that would ensue between myself and whatever passed for this world's version of the Royal Guard. The first rule of survival when going incognito, 'always hope for the best but expect the worst.'. Were they there? Who could say? But it's always best to be ready.

Taking a deep breath as Celestia gestured for me to pass her by as she held the door, behind my back, I cracked my... What do I call those things in my human hooves that crack? They're all bumpy and hard and stuff... meh, whatever.

To my surprise, however, there was not a heavily armed platoon of well-equipt mercenaries waiting for me on the other side. But rather, a small and somewhat anxious, young lady. Silver Spoon.

Hmm, I don't know whether to feel relieved, insulted, or both. On the one hand, no one's on to me, but on the other... well, my ego yearns for attention.

"Mr. Dreamer. Miss. Silver Spoon here has a... small situation, that we believe you could be of great assistance with." One day here and already I'm sorting through your messes, Celestia. You're lucky I'm fond of this little one. Or else I'd introduce you to my little friends, 'cuffs and collars'. That being said, with a little persuasion and a few drinks, I still might. Bow chicka wow wow.

"Oh really? Well, naturally I'm happy to offer any assistance necessary to a student in need. Even if it is my first day here." I couldn't stress that last part more if I tried. A shame then that my added inflection sailed clean over her head.

"Wonderful, in that case, I can trust you to be," She leaned close and whispered, "Discreet." Her tone of voice convey the 'hush-hush' nature of whatever Silver Spoon's problem might be.

"I understand, Even if it is my first day." If she missed the point before, raising my voice slightly certainly hammered it home.

"Ahh, yes. We should probably talk about that later." I nodded in response; satisfied, Celestia turned to Silver Spoon, a kind smile brightened her motherly face, much like a cherry atop an already delicious brownie, or one of those small decorative umbrellas in the world's fruitiest cocktail.

"Now then, Sweetheart. Would you mind telling, Mr.Dreamer, what you told me?" Laying it on a little thick there Celestia, this girl has gotta be what? Fourteen?

"W-well... M-Mister Dreamer, it's about Diamond." I figured as much.

"You see, h-her mom tracks her MyStable account, and well, since Diamond follows Anon-a-Miss, when the picture of... the two of us... was posted..." Okay, I think I know where this is going.

"I assume mommy dearest didn't take the news well?" Silver nodded, confirming my suspicions. An abusive mother, a subject I know all too well. Celestia turned to me, her smile faltered, replaced quickly by a serious frown. Now while frowning was an all-to-common expression from my world's Celestia, this one didn't sit right with me. For the first time, I'd much rather see Celestia smile.

"Miss Tiara's mother is... somewhat of a touchy subject in this school. She hasn't gotten over being unable to buy her daughter's way into our rival school, Crystal Prep." Celestia almost spat out that last part, you could feel the venom seething just beneath her creamy skin.

Silver nodded in agreement, "She blamed our school, she said the teachers were incompetent and she was going to... umm," Celestia offered the girl some assistance. "Blacklist, dear." Silver shot Celestia an appreciative smirk. "Oh right, Blacklist the school and see the teaching staff replaced." Gotta love it when rich people don't get their way. Well, that's what they get for having more money than me. How dare they!

"That was years ago, however. Spoiled Rich builds herself up as the supreme authority when in reality there's very little she can really do." Ironic hearing this from Celestia.

"Now she's on her way here; I was trying to calm her down, Diamond I mean, but then her mom called and just started screaming at her." Oh, if not for my accursed persona, I could very easily settle this with a length of rope, a kitchen knife and a well-forged suicide note. But alas, my hunt for Anon-a-Miss takes priority.

Contrary to popular belief amongst the countless Ponies, Griffons, and others who'd hunted me down in the past, I am not, in fact, a serial killer. I am a 'Killer-for-Hire' who gets a lot of business, there's a difference. See I don't kill for pleasure unless payment afterward counts. Nor do I kill because of some pre-conceived notion of balancing the books. I have and will kill to further my own ends, to protect what little I do care about, which in retrospect isn't that much, and for that sweet chink of gold bits knocking together at the bottom of a bit-bag.

Killing is a means to an end, one I'm just so damn good at... and in a world devoted to friendship and harmony, that is a terrifying trait indeed.

Celestia exhaled sharply and pinched the bridge of her nose, I can understand where she's coming from, overbearing parents are the worst, especially when they work themselves into a frenzy. Not my parents of course, no their attention was more often than not focused on the bottom of a bottle.

"Mr. Dreamer, I need to mentally prepare myself and the other teachers for Spoiled Rich's arrival, would you be so kind as to go with Silver Spoon and bring Diamond Tiara to my office?" Celestia turned to Silver, "While we will need to discuss what happened in the picture in question," Silver blushed as her eyes took a sudden interest in the floor. "Please reassure Miss Tiara that we will not permit any unruly behavior on her mother's part and that my office is a safe-space." I nodded in agreement, she smiled in return and withdrew into the warm coffee scented embrace of the teacher's lounge.

Silver gestured for me to follow. As we made our way through the halls, the evidence was clear, lunch was winding down and the banshees-wail that is the school bells ring was imminent. Students loaded themselves with books and other required stationary, waving goodbyes to friends and special someponies with other places to be.

For the most part, the walk was a silent one, the obnoxious commentary in my head acting in the same capacity as a narrator for the play that is my life, its voice recounting each step I retread for what felt like the hundredth time this day. I would stop to question whether this thought itself was merely another line of awkwardly worded dialogue from my invisible brain buddy or rather my own internal philosophical ruminations, but fortunately for all involved my brain shut itself off just as my foot tried and failed to locate the ground, and suffice it to say, when one's body goes on autopilot, one must be sure that it is in a place where one knows where everything is. Take, for instance, the unexpected left turn we'd taken down a dark hallway which led to an equally dark stairway. And as you can imagine, thanks in no small part to a curse by the criminally under-worshipped 'God of Comedy', I found myself on the ground faster than a flightless pony from Cloudsdale. I mean I assume, I've never been myself, merely hearsay and conjecture from winged casual acquaintances.

What I'm trying to say is, I fell down the stairs.

As the world ceased its infernal spinning, I felt a pair of paws pulling at my forehoof, Silver's paws to be precise.

"Are you alright, Sir?"

D'Awww, how considerate. A pity she has to die to protect my reputation... No, that would contradict the very thing I was internally monologuing about before this unfortunate spill, and while I am no stranger to hypocrisy, I am not, nor will I ever be a 'self-hypocrite'.

"Quite, my dear. Now if you wouldn't mind, I would happily accept your assistance with standing..." Silver Spoon looked to me, oddly bewildered for a moment before replying.

"Ummm, are you asking for a hand?" Oh yeah, hooves are called hands here. Good thing those comparisons only manifest in my, at times, deranged mind, because that sort of reverse terminology could become confusing for any would be mind readers in the school.

"Indeed." I retorted, taking her hand in mine. Huh, soft.

Dusting myself off, I took stock of our poorly lit surroundings. The pitch black stairwell led down into the middle of another long hallway, stretching both left and right, several doors stood along both walls in each direction, all closed and presumably locked, save for one slightly ajar at the end of the hall, barely visible against the dim blue lights that hung from the ceiling.

"Say, Silver Spoon?"
"Yes, Sir?"

"Why is the lighting down here so... sub-standard?" Surely this can't be safe for students.

"You don't know?" She seemed surprised by this, if only for a moment. "S-sorry, it's just, I thought one of the principals would've told you." Evidently, they did not, or maybe they did and I just wasn't paying attention.

"I don't suppose you'd care to enlighten me?" Silver Spoon nodded and led the way down the hall. This whole area was a stark contrast to the rest of the school. Everything above ground was a pristine marble white, but down here, everything was painted in multiple shades of blue and was desperate need of a good dusting.

"About ten years back, before Diamond or I came here, Principal Luna petitioned the school board for planning permission to build this sub level, it was going to be used for after school activities and such, but the school board said 'no'. Well as you can imagine, Principal Luna didn't like that her decisions were ignored, so do you know what she did instead?"

I shrug in response. Obviously, I did not know what happened, but given that it's Luna, I think I can hazard a guess.

"I don't know the details, but I heard she did some shady stuff with a cheap building company and told them to send the superintendent the bill."

"No,"

"Oh yeah."

That's it? Well, that's hardly an attempted conquest of Equestria.

"If that's the case then why is she still working here?"

"Principal Celestia begged them not to fire her, in the end, she paid for the work and the interest, in exchange Principal Luna got suspended and came back with way less pay than before."

Hmmm, Celestia reduced to begging. Not that I can blame her, we all do things we're not proud of for the benefit of our siblings.

"And Celestia? What happened to her? That sort of money doesn't grow on trees." Or does it?

"They had to move in together; paying all that extra interest cost the both of them a lot," Makes sense, although how Luna planned to get away with this was anypony's guess. Walking by, I tried my hoof at one of the doors but yielded nothing. The door was locked tight, and the viewing window revealed only darkness. "And in the end, the school couldn't even use the new space since the school board called it a 'fire hazard'."

"Obviously, I mean there's only one stairway. One spark and boom... chargrilled children. Still, seems like such a waste."

"Principal Luna was... going through some things. Principal Celestia wouldn't tell us what, but for a while, Principal Luna was a totally different person." Yep, that sounds more like Looney Mooney.

"Well, that begs the question... why is she still employed here?" Silver paused to ponder this for a brief moment before shrugging and testing the door we'd arrived at. Right at the end of the hall.

"I think the Principals have deep roots in the city. That sort of reputation and respect has a lot of weight behind it. Believe me, I know." I do believe her, the power and influence a reputation can provide is both a significant advantage and an exhausting weight to bare. It's hard to maintain and oh so easy to lose.

Well, enough with the history lesson. Silver pushed open the door and timidly stepped inside, within, the blue lights from the hall surrendered to a series of dull red safety lights emanating from the bottom of a rusty metal staircase. Cobwebs stretched across the ceiling, the red lights of the lower levels casting their sinister shadows along the stairs. Now I'm sure neither of us were awaiting a giant spider to descend from on high, or long spindly spider legs to extend from beyond the gap behind the stairs... even so, Silver latched on tight to the back of my coat.

"Nervous are we?" Silver shot me a dirty look and let go. "Can't blame you really, after all, who knows who or what could be hiding down here," I noted a weary murmur, but chose not to call her out on it. "For all we know, all the previous teachers could still here. Thriving on a steady diet of basement moss and sprinkler fluid."

The bottom of the stairs was followed by another flight of stairs, and beyond that, a door with a busted handle. From the looks of it, someone probably removed the screws, as it hung loosely by one.

"Silver, just how often do you and Diamond come down here?" I inspected the door itself, sure enough, it opened with a gently push. "And is this something I need to tell the teachers about?" Because if a kid gets hurt after I've come down here and said nothing, Celestia'll have my ass.

"Sometimes, b-but we're really careful I swear..."

"And what exactly do you do down... here..."

The door opened to reveal large dank boiler room. No actually, largely didn't this room justice... massive, was the more appropriately descriptive. From the sheer size of the place, it must extend across the entire length of the school. Support pillars extended up into the distant ceiling, surrounded on all sides by industrial piping, the ceiling itself was a stretch of rusted pipes and ironwork. Large metal boilers were scattered about the room, connected by pipes and hanging wires that would surely be considered a fire hazard, which gave the place an almost maze-like appearance. It could be so easy to get lost down here.

"Oh me, oh my... Silver, just how far down are we?" Silver wondered ahead, leaning against the adjoining wall before grabbing hold of a thin string tied to an old fire extinguisher, that from the looks of it, hasn't seen use since the heyday of human engineering, whenever that was.

"Pretty far, Diamond and I... kinda took the handle off when we were... umm..."

"Playing hooky?" I said with a smirk.

Silver blushed but said nothing. Opting instead for me to follow as she trailed the string into the metal jungle.

"Hey, no complaints here. We all need to get away from the monotony of public education from time to time."

"T-thanks, sir. I think this whole room is way under the school. The last stairway got torn down when Principal Luna had the school built, when they connected it to the new hall, someone lost the key. When Diamond heard about it, she thought we could come down here to get away from it all." Fair enough, but this hardly seems the place for underage romantic entanglements.

"But, I don't really like it down here. It smells funny, the pipes hiss, and one time we got lost. "

"Hence the string?" Silver nodded.

Red lights illuminated very little from their placement on the walls. Red lighting filtered through steam from cracked piping, bathing the room in a haunting red haze. Any moment now, I anticipated a movement in the distance or a figure lurking behind the steam. Steam that only seemed to worsen as we moved forward, in both thickness and heat. From up top, a drop of water landed on my forehead, and if the state of the soaked floor was any indication, a lot of the piping up top was doing the same.

"Say, Silver... I get why you'd tell Celestia about the situation, but why'd you need me to come down here?" Silver looked away and rubbed the back of her neck. Was it something I said?

"It's embarrassing, but... me and Diamond watched that movie 'Nightmare on Elm Street' a few weeks back, and... I just couldn't come down here after."

I have no idea what that is. But it sounds like something I should check out. I was going to ask where I could find this movie, but I was cut off by a drop of water in my eye. Flicking it away, I noticed the ceiling wasn't in much better shape than the floor, the ironwork holding it up there must be an engineering marvel.

"This much steam can't be good for the foundations." Noting a distinct sheen of water running down the pipes and equipment. "Last thing you kids need is the school caving in during class time." Moving on we passed under the source of the steam. A wailing pipe running up a support beam was spewing out the hot vapor, though there was nothing to be done about it at present, it would take an extension ladder to reach it, and I don't like ladders. Too many bad falls in my time, no need to add another to the list.

"I think that's why the girls locker room never has any hot water." Silver mentioned. Frankly, I was bemused that kids her age actually used the school showers, in my old school we used to just throw on deodorant and try not to sit near a fan till we got home.

"Amazing, a big beautiful building up top, yet beneath it hides a deep, dark, dank secret." I've known many a pony with that same problem.

Eventually, the steam lessened to thigh height before cascading through a metal guard rail and down to who knows where like a vaporous waterfall.

"Diamond!" Silver leaned against the guard rail and called out into the darkness below. The fact that this place went down even further was surprise enough for me, let alone how Diamond could come down here on her own. Heck, I've burned down houses, and this place is giving me the willies.

The area down below had no emergency lighting, but the faint glow emanating from the light showed that the next level was only seven feet down. The sound of scampering feet caught our ears from below, I caught a glimpse of a small figure running in the opposite direction, but the sound was silence by that of a slamming door.

"I know where she is... Diamond, wait!" Throwing any notions of anxiousness behind her, Silver dashed to the left and down a small metal staircase, a deep 'drum' of someone hitting the side of an empty metal contained reverberated throughout the place as she too disappeared. And as for myself, well it was either stay here on my lonesome, or get the future prom queens upstairs before Diamond's mom arrived.

"Leave Me Alone!" Shouting from downstairs hastened my decision. Quick as a flash, I darted down the stairs, past what looked to be a giant square vat of some sorts plus several rows of pipes before coming to two identical doors, I could just make out Silver's form leaning against the one on the right.

Catching my breath, I made to reprimand Silver but instead tripped on something hard attached to the ground. Not that Silver was paying much attention at that particular moment.

"Diamond, please come out." I could make out the sounds of someone talking, but I wasn't close enough to hear. Looking back, I found the source of my fall to be a metal bar next to a sunken metal square embedded in the ground. Curiously I knocked my foot against it and sure enough, it sounded hollow.

"She won't be furious, Dia, I promise I'll be there too..."

The murmuring from inside continued, but my interest was elsewhere. Dusting myself off and kneeling down, I gripped the handle with both hooves and attempted to pull, it moved about at inch before something halted it movement, better positioning myself I tried again, yet my attempts yielded no results.

"I will, I won't leave you I promise... and so will Principal Celestia and Mr. Dreamer and..."

"I'll do what now?" Giving up on the handle for the moment, I walked over and sat on the other side of the locked door. At least from here, I could better make out Diamond's voice on the other side.

"Mr. Dreamer? You're here too?" A shaky voice asked from within.

"Nah, I'm actually the boogeyman, I was just doing my rounds and I heard there were two victims... I mean, children down where they shouldn't be."

"Oh, haha. And we are not children!" I haha'd right back, I really couldn't care less what these two did in their spare time, though I do appreciate a firm attitude toward authority.

"No, you certainly are not my dear. Heck, I've only known you for one day and I already like you more than most of the people here." Diamond said nothing, but Silver motioned for me to continue. "So, listen Diamond. What's it gonna take to get you outta this... uh, closet?"

"It's where the old workers left their tools." Silver added.

"Leave me alone, I won't see her like this."

"Kiddo, I'm sure you can clean up before your mother gets here..."

"I'm talking about Silver Spoon."

Huh, didn't see that one coming. Silver placed her head against the door, I couldn't be sure but from the sound of things, Diamond was doing the same thing. If my head weren't spinning from, not one, but two consecutive falls in the space of ten minutes, I'd be vomiting internally. If that doesn't paint a picture, I don't know what will. Too much cutesy in one day.

"Dia, I don't care how you look. You know that, right?"

"I know, I-I just... I don't want you to see me this way."

"Diamond... she's seen me fall down a whole flight of stairs... if she has a low opinion of anyone today, it's gonna be me."

There was a noticeable pause from Diamond's side, to where I began to wonder if she'd heard me. But, sure enough...

"Did you seriously fall down the stairs?" I made to respond but was instead met with a series of giggles. Silver joined her and pretty soon the pair were laughing up a storm at the expense of yours truly. Oh, if they only knew who's shadow in which they currently dwelt.

"Silver... w-was it funny?" Silver laughed and slapped her knee.

"C-can you imagine a peacock... falling down the stairs? In look and sound." Their laughing filled the warm air once again, although my patience was growing thin. At this point, the entire situation felt like a skipping record.

"The God of Comedy is not one to be trifled with, my dears. And now that my dignity is back where it belongs, at the bottom of the basement stairs, how about we get you both outta here?"

The shuffling beyond the door resumed momentarily but was soon replaced by the fumbling of tiny hands on a metal lock. The two of us, Silver and I, took cautious steps back as the door opened. In the dim light, we could just make out the trembling form of Diamond emerging from the darkness. Tears had messed her makeup, the low lighting doing her little favor, though Silver didn't seem to mind. Quite the contrary, as she ran over and embraced her... Girlfriend? Lover? Bed buddy? Who can say?

Gently, Silver stroked Diamond's mane and shushed softly into her ear. Moments like this, however rare, remind me of Sunny and I growing up. Those uptight Canterlot snobs never could accept the girl for her genius that clearly outshined that of their uptight, trust fund banking offspring. I'd best check that she's alright when we're done here.

Eventually, Diamond's tears subside as Silver's gentle rocking of the two came to a stop. Diamond sniffled then chuckled a little as Silver dabbed the distraught filly's eyes with a hanky.

"There... you look prettier without eyeliner anyway." The two smile at one another, before slowly moving closer together, inch by inch shortening the distance between the two. Then, running on whatever romantic tension was fluctuating between them, they embraced, lips locked in a manner that would be most pleasing... if they were older. I'll do allot of things, but even I draw the line when it comes to kids.

The kiss didn't last too long, the two split after a few seconds, parting their lips whilst their arms remained firmly locked around one another.

Diamond sniffled and turned her head, although Silver was having none of it and took Diamonds cheek in her hand, resuming eye contact.

"I... We... M-my mother, she won't..." Silver promptly placed a finger on Diamond's lips and shushed her.

"We'll do this together."

"B-but she won't listen..." Diamond argued.

"Then we'll make her listen!" Silver retorted.

"She'll pull me out of school..."

"Then I'll sneak over when she's busy."

"They'll keep us apart!"

"Then we'll run away together!"

It continued like this for several minutes, before the ever pressing thoughts of Principal Celestia wormed their way to the forefront of my mind. No doubt she'd be waiting for us. Clapping my hooves, momentarily silencing the pair, I hastened to point out the obvious.

"Well, dears, whatever the pair of you choose to do is your business... And I mean that. No matter what happens, never conform to someone else's standards of what should and should not be. Otherwise, you're not living life your way. You're living life how 'they' deem fit." Yeah, I'm sure that was the gist of what Celestia wanted me to tell her.

And now to bring this emotional rollercoaster to a halt.

"No matter what happens, I'll be right behind you... now what say we get out of hee~"

I didn't get to finish that sentence as I... you guessed it... tripped on that damn lever again!

Diamond's laughter had slightly more volume than I had first anticipated, though that was understandable given that before we'd had a solid wood door between us. But, to reiterate, she was indeed laughing at my expense... hoo-ray.

Tiny feet tapped against concrete, as two pairs of hands helped pull me to my knees.

"You were right Silvy... he does sound like a peacock." Oh hardy har har,

"Are you okay sir?"

I rubbed my face and absentmindedly brushed off my jacket, a wet patched confirmed that I had, in fact, landed in something. Something that would, most likely, leave a stain.
...
On my one outfit!
...
Terrific!

"Okay, Diamond, Silver... Before I break this confounded lever off its hinges, I gotta know, where does it lead?"

Silver and Diamond looked at each other for a second before Diamond reached down to the hinge and pulled out a small metal rod that I hadn't spotted before.

"Oh, that's easy." Unimpeded by the metal piece, Diamond effortlessly yanked the handle back as the hatch opened, stopping at a vertical angle. Diamond tossed the metal piece somewhere behind her and pulled out her phone, a few taps, and swipes brought forth a light from the device. Gripping the edge of the open square hole, I dipped my head inside. Illuminated by the phone light, the darkness surrendered the room's contents, it was a sizable space, wider than the hatch itself, perfectly shaped. The whole place was barren aside from a busted water pipe in the corner spraying a loud deluge of water into an open grate, leading to who knows where. And in at the other end of the room, a large metal door stood rusting on the wall, looking like it hadn't seen the touch of a living being in many years.

"Diamond... what is this?" I struggled to ask.

"Nothing important really... It's just an old storage room from back when the school was built. The door doesn't open though," she said, pointing to the second of the two doors where we'd previously stood. "I've tried. I think there used to be a wood crane for lowering things down, but I guess it was removed over the years..."

Diamond had more to say, and was clearly knowledgeable about this school's history, maybe her ancestors attended this fine institution? But whatever factoid she spouted off, sailed clean over my head.

I peered down into the depths, and I saw... opportunity.

Wicked ideas took hold, wicked, twisted, naughty ideas.

And suddenly, my problems seemed like a distant memory. For here, in this under-underground, four by four space... I found inspiration.

Inspiration... for revenge.

"S-sir? Are you alright? What's so funny?" How queer, I hadn't even realized I'd been laughing.

"Oh, no reason child. Now how about we close this up, before somebody gets hurt." The girls nodded in agreement and placed the lever and hatch cover, back into place.

As we made our way to the exit, plans began to form. Wheels within wheels. To protect my sister, my identity, and a fitting end to Anon-a-Miss.

But first...

As we exited the dim red stairwell and into the darkened blue corridor upstairs, I stopped the girls at the exit.

"Now girls, I just want you to know, no matter what happens, with Celestia, your parents, and whomever this Anon-a-Miss clown is... I'll be there for you, both of you. But in order for me to do that, I need you both to do something for me," The girls both asked what it is they could do, and I knew I could count on them for what lies ahead. "I need you two to promise me that you'll never go down here again,"

The pair seemed hesitant, fortunately, lying to children was a skill I'd mastered what feels like a lifetime ago. Kneeling down to their level, I told them in a hushed tone...

"I'll let you help me track down, and expose Anon-a-Miss. So, what do you say?"

Any ounce of trepidation the girls may have had faded instantly, bright smiles replaced their previously glum demeanors.

With a high hoof, or whatever it's called here, we sealed our pact. "We're in!"

If my smile were any wider, I'd be institutionalized.

It wouldn't be the first time.

Diamond's mother would hardly be an obstacle, more of a distraction than anything. And the girls were eating out the palm of my hand, how much I'd involve them in all of this could be decided later. For now, my gaze looked ahead, far ahead, to a time yet to occur. To an unsuspecting substitute teacher, to a rainbow haired girl, and to a troll with no clue as to what nightmares they have wrought!

Author's Note

Well, it seems my plan to freeze myself until Christmas backfired royally... oh well, time for easter I guess. Gimmie a little time (just a smidge) to get back into the swing of things, and well be back on schedule.

Also, the Armor Diaries return in three chapters time. So there's that.

If I've made any grammar mistakes, be sure to let me know, I'm editing these myself at the moment. So, that should say it all.

Darkness (And Rebirth)

"Wakey-wakey, Mr. Dreamer!"

I can't be sure if it was the fall, or the half a dozen 'White Russians' that set him off. Needless to say, the human's failure to stand upon quivering legs was swiftly followed by a hasty evacuation of his stomach. All over the floor.

Because don't all great stories start out that way?

In a way, I almost pitied the poor fool. Hastily spitting bile into a pool of vodka and possibly expired cream. We've all been there. But, I had a job to do, and that job didn't involve him... At least, not anymore.

Imagine his surprise, wearily rising on those bamboo stilts he calls 'legs' as he clutched his throbbing head, only to be greeted by my glorious grinning visage. I mean, there are worse sights to see after a drunken night on the town. Believe me, I know. Though the fact that I was several feet above him beyond a square hole in the ceiling, grinning down through the darkness, was probably what threw him through a loop.

"Ah, you're awake finally. That's good, that's very good. Buddies like us shouldn't part on such sour terms."

It was, amusing to say the least, to watch the dawn of bitter-realization spread across his monkey face as he took in his new 'accommodations'.

"'Come into my parlor' said the Spider..."

XXX

The scene calls to mind visions of my squandered youth; I recall an especially merry morning during an unseasonably warm fall. It was our first day back after a somewhat uneventful summer of sibling-bonding and unwarranted petty-vandalism; my class was due to showcase our 'Personal Project Presentations' before our peers. Something about 'raising self-confidence' and supporting our fellow ponies, and all that other sugarcoated drivle.
Now, this class was hardly what one would consider special, that is if you don't count Princess Celestia's niece being a member of the student body as 'special'. Except perhaps, for one minor detail. Our teacher, 'Ms. Summer Songheim', a learned and greying Pegasus from a bygone era, never traveled without the company of a special somepony. A small yellow canary named 'Winthorp', whose penchant for tweeting at decibels that could shatter glass, had long become the bane for many a struggling student around exam time.

It was the beginning of our final year, and as one would imagine, extra emphasis on 'succeeding' was hammered down the throats of every student. And suffice it to say, it was an added degree of stress that most could do without.

My project was positively inspired in its simplicity. A day by day report of the rising crime rate within Canterlot's residential neighborhoods. Nothing newsworthy like, for instance, an illegal Red Nector den. Or a magic shootout between several disturbed individuals and the Royal Guard. Meer trivialities, easily overlooked by the ignorant masses. Vandalism, break-ins, the occasional pick-pocketing, real hard-hitting journalism to be sure.

Was it vain to report on my own sinful deeds? Stupid even? Oh Celestia, yes. But by that point, I'd already received the full extent of my Royal court-mandated psychiatrists, 'Help'. And had reached that beautiful threshold between suicidal pessimism, and the flourishing misanthrope that would one day blossom into the happy-go-lucky psychopath you know today. If only they'd paid attention and seen the signs.
As one would imagine given such a subject matter, even one as tame as this was met with fear and vocal outrage by the class proper. So coddled had Celestia's subjects become, that the merest suggestion of urban upheaval had the students in a panic. Imagine, students, fearing the end times because somepony had differed from 'the status quo'.
'Sheltered' would be another descriptive. A trait ingrained into the core of everypony nowadays taught to believe that 'bad things' in general, were a rarity, that the powers of love and friendship would thwart.

As one would imagine, the teacher was quick to reprimand your humble narrator. Subject matters of a criminal nature, no matter how petty the offense, are deemed 'illicit'. A big no-no for the impressionable student body. Gag.

Oy vey.

And so, with bitter disdain and grim dignity, it fell upon yours truly to pay his dues and cleanse the classroom that I had dared sully with my 'disgusting words', as teacher dearest did say.

Had they know the perpetrator of such dastardly deeds stood in their midst, no doubt more punitive measures would've been applied, yet as it stood, the dullards were none the wiser.

So, there I am. A young-ish school pony of eighteen whittling away at his dwindling youth and precious afternoon, clapping erasers together out a second story window. All the while my activities were serenaded by the whimsical octaves of the delightful seed-necking bastard who's ower had condemned yours truly to this afternoon of fun and frivolity. Whistling its limited existence away, blissfully unaware of the cruel world that stretched beyond the bars of its gilded cage. Stopping every so often to admire itself in its little mirror, before returning to its little swing and reciting another rousing chorus for its audience of one.

Hardly a punishment, I hear you say... damn voices. Oh, but if only the headmistress had been so inclined. Far from it actually; My month of newly acquainted responsibilities ranged from taxing afterschool detentions of slapping erasers and sweeping floors to polishing windows, all four floors of the building I might add. And just when my hooves couldn't take the strain, it fell upon me to feed the class pets of every homeroom.
An ornery old Owl for the newbies, who refused to eat unless he was fed between the oddly specific hours of five-past-five and eight-past-five.
A Chameleon for the following year, and believe me, his escape record dwarfs our own to this day.
A Tarantula for the middle sect... a massive orange monster with a mean streak equaled only by its insatiable appetite.
A Giant Snail for the penultimate grade; after all, what screams responsibility more than a mollusk too fat for its own shell?
And finally, our Canary yellow... Canary. Oh, what a whimsical managery our school budget did yield.

Lucky simpletons, there would be no meal awaiting me at home. Such is the deserved life of a worthless failure, as my mother would say before she struck me a chancing blow on my way up the stairs, back down into firey cauldron of alcohol-fueled rage and moral degradation that was my father. A battering awaited me, of that there was no doubt. What sort of world ignored the cries of children in need as an implausibility, what manner of self-proclaimed guardspony disregarded the pleads of two frightened foals as 'immature stories'. Children should sleep on their beds not under them... How vain to view the world through Celestia's oh so perfect lense, at what cost?!

Damn them, damn them all.

It had to have been at least six-thirty in the afternoon by the time the pet feedings came and suffice it to say, the owl would be going hungry that day. The chameleon tried and failed to make a mad dash for the math-room door, but the little weasel had yet to contend with the likes of an overworked earth-pony with a temper thinner than our headmistress's hairpiece. I'd already tossed the snail a slice of lettuce, and that was all he'd be getting from me until he shook off those unsightly pounds, a snail should not weight more than a pissed off adolescent.

Which just left the spider, and my yellow whistling tormentor.

I remember exactly what finished me that day; beyond the back-breaking labor whilst the easily amused school janitor looked on, momentarily breaking away from counting his pay and joking at my expense to point out that I'd missed a spot, before indulging in a 'well-deserved' nap. And the teachers, can't forget the teachers, riding my toned ass for hours at a time with diatribes of how I would forever be a failure to my peers and all those who'd ever been foolish enough to waste their time with a lost-cause such as myself.

No, what finally set me off, the very last straw that broke the proverbial camels back... was when, as I placed the little plastic container of birdseed inside the cage... it bit me.

The selfish little chirping, squawking. whistling, exam ruining, attention seeking, son-of-a-jewel-encrusted-whorse... bit me.

Was it red? The blood on my hoof. It was all I could see. My favorite color. I looked down and felt it wash over me like a cold shower. A balloon filled with water bursting, so much trapped inside, finally became more than its limitations could contain.
The feeling was indescribable, it was as though a part of me had been set free.
As the chameleon did change shades so too did I change. My colors washed away like water over wet paint, revealing something new beneath... What had I become?

Then the frantic chirping and flapping returned. My eyes peered beyond the cage at the tiny pest inside, knowing it had seen me... I mean, really 'seen'...

Us.

And we knew what we had to do.

It's a funny thing really, the awakening, as we'd once called it. We'd opened our eyes for what felt like the first time, we saw the world and the world stared back. Only this time it all seemed, so very very small. The world shrank and withdrew, it was the worlds turn to be afraid.

We returned to 'Winthrop' momentarily, with a gift.

Such a curious name... the Goliath Birdeater.

A brand new friend, oh wouldn't Celestia be proud? We were spreading friendship and harmony; for the first time, it all made sense. A sigh we'd been holding in for what felt like a lifetime escaped our lips, accompanied by a single tear running ice cold down our cheek.

The life-delusion was lifted, and in waking, we were reborn.

Our thoughts strayed beyond the immaculately polished windows, across the city skyline to where our heart lies. Our baby sister, safe and content in a castle baring all the accouterments one could ever need to make it in this very nasty world.

Sunset.

Our sister, our only family worth a damn. The one thing our parents gave us that didn't hurt us. The one soul to look upon us with nothing but love and kindness, and see somepony... something more than what our parents, my teachers, Celestia, or society expected. Something worthwhile.

We would gift to her the world on a silver tray.

But first, we would have to seize the world. And we couldn't do that in Canterlot.

Money would be an issue, how fortunate then that our esteemed educators had the foresight to predict our rebirth, and wisely saw fit to turn a blind eye to our idol hooves. Leaving a delinquent alone in a school with naught but an apathetic codger for supervision. As a wise pony once said, you reap what you sow.

In our darkest moments; when the quiet becomes too much to bear, and the voices deigned to grant us but a moments peace. We will forever remember the moment the panicked shrieks fell silent. And that unholy 'HISS~' as our final breath escaped. A life in a gilded cage brought to a horrifying conclusion. Blissful ignorance died to feed a monster set free. Ripped down from its pedestal into the waiting, smiling jaws of reality.

We didn't close the cage during or after. At the time, we floated, adrift in a tempest of emotions, the weight of the world abandoning me... There was no caging the beast, we see that now.

...

In our nightmares, we are the canary.

We gaze down into the many waiting eyes of the beast, its limbs reaching, beckoning us closer, its jaws wide and hungry... we feel the world as we knew it, the great lie falling away, our eyes are open... And we scream.

...

In our nightmares, I am the beast.

I gaze up and see... hope? I reach out with everything I have, to see it, to touch it, to... taste it.
It sees me, I smile and it screams. So delicious. Its a part of me; I will carry the life it's bestowed upon me, upon us, with thanks for the rest of our days. Our eyes are open... and we cry.

...

Whatever shambles passed for our life could not continue. We'd peered beyond the veil and something was staring back. We could see Celestia's great lie spread out before us like some twisted tapestry, and knew what we had to do.

We stole whatever might earn us so much as a hoofful of bits, and either pawned or sold the lot over the remainder of the evening. There was little the janitor could do; by a most fortuitous of happenstances, the unfortunate custodian fell victim to an unexpected spider bite, and in his resulting fright, took a tumble down a particularly tall flight of stairs.

We escaped our gilded cage aboard the ironically titled 'Friendship Express' that very night, but as somepony... something, far different than anything we could have possibly imagined. We were free. But at what cost?

In the end, it doesn't really matter.

What matters is... We're free! And we're back. Back for good.

And you.

You're here to see it all through with us.

XXX

"We breathed in the musty, dank, mildewy essence of our trap... our lair... our web."

"Peering down into the darkness we see our prey, the first of many."

"A sigh escapes our parched lips; sometimes the memories, the dark moments leave us drained and broken, but at that moment... this moment... wherever it is we're telling this story from... we are so renewed with purpose, and so very very happy to share this, our story, with you, Mr. Dreamer."

"He cowers like the canary. He screams for help at a world that will not listen. Shouts empty threats at the lunatic narrating to himself... he calls us insane."

"We call it, the beast."

"But dear Mr. Dreamer. You're probably wondering why your lovely narrator brought you here, and what series of events lead you... to us?"

"Well, then we shall tell you, dear listener."

"But first, permit us a moment to collect ourselves. It is quite rare that we find ourselves with such a captive audience, especially one so literal, our story tends to leave us rather emotionally taxed."

"I cry for what I once was. We scream at what we have become."

XXX

Author's Note

Back... Back in black.
Where's he been? What's he been up too?
Personal stuff (Surprise-Surprise)
"I'm tired of partying." {Obligatory Joke}
(Narrative use of 'our' and 'we' as a descriptive is moment exclusive, bouts of madness and all that.)