Anthrexia: A New Element

by BattleSwine

Rating: mature
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Nurse Redheart, Adventure
Length: 98546

There are plenty of girls that I would have been happy to wake up next to after a bender, but not this one. Now I'm lost and alone, and I think I'm going nuts. I only know one thing, I've got to get back,and I don't care who or what gets in my way.

Flesh of the King still remains, Blood of the King runs in his veins.
Once an evil thought destroyed, soon becomes an evil employed.

Why me? Of all the people who would have appreciated suddenly waking up in Equestria with no memory of how they got there, in Pinkie Pies's bed of all places, why me? Now, there's some sort of ancient prophecy involving vengeful demigods, ancient kings, the redemption of the human race, and here I am, stuck smack-dab in the middle of it all.

This is seriously going to screw up my day.

Praise for A New Element:

Fantastic story. Super funny and just plain good overall. -Zarose

Yup, more of this lovely drug is needed. -Aru

I find this to be very hilarious!!!!! -The Valeyard

Cover art courtesy of my good buddy Komodo23

Published 2012-06-12 13:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-12-13 21:55:27 UTC

...And So it Begins

Author's Note

Dramatic reading of this chapter (by me) can be found here: Chapter One, Son

...And So it Begins

A New Element
by BattleSwine

The hallways of Sanctum, the inner chambers of Tartarus, the very heart of evil itself. The halls looked as if they hadn't been graced by a living creature in centuries. Suddenly, at the end of the hallway, a door opened, and seemingly by themselves, the torches sprang to life, breaking the silence. A small figure materialized out of the darkness, skittered through the hall, tripped over something unseen with a small squeak, crawled to it's feet and resumed it's scuttling. It reached the end of the hall, and the door opened on its own accord.

` As the figure exited, the torches flickered out, and the hallway resumed its ancient silence.

The door to the chamber opened and the tiny frame of Deceit stumbled in, breathing hard, as if he had run a long ways. It was all for show, of course, trying to appear small and weak. But, then again, he was the Spirit of Lies and Deception. It was his job.

A massive cauldron full of phosphorescent green liquid, the only source of light, stood in the center of the chamber. There was a medium-sized female draconequus hovering above it, bathed in it's luminescence. Two other figures sat outside of the glow's reach, a large one sitting on a throne, and a thin one hunched over what appeared to be a pile of stones.

"Ahh, dear Brother, quite nice of you to join us," His sister Cruelty's singsong purr greeted him. "We were just getting started. How has Equestria been in our absence? It can't have changed too much, we've only been gone for a few millennia."

She paused, and her feline face hardened. "You've been gone for millennia. You were supposed to report back if something of importance happened. You can't tell me that nothing happened in the three thousand years since we were forced from our thrones to skulk in this dreadful pit!"

She landed daintily and kicked a rock at the wall. It ricocheted off and rolled to the feet of the hunched figure, who promptly collected it and added it to the already enormous pile of rocks it sat upon.

"As a matter of fact, I could tell you that. I could tell you that nothing at all happened since Discord was encased in stone and us left to rot in Tartarus. That statement would be truth." The Spirit of Lies ran a forked tongue over his scaly lips. "But, if I said that Discord was NOT recently freed from his prison, did NOT attempt a coup on Equestria, only to NOT get foiled by the Elements of Harmony once again, THAT would be a lie."

At this, yet another figure revealed itself from the gloom. It stood slowly from a throne carved from solid rock, chiseled painstakingly with bare claws over the course of a thousand years, simply out of boredom. Despair turned to her brother and sister.

"If that is the case, then we must accelerate our plans. Cruelty-"

"Hold on, I think I missed a step," Deceit interrupted. "Plans?"

"Yes. If what you said is correct, then, we will be able to completely skip Step One, and proceed with Step Two. Cruelty, send word to the Changelings, we may be in need of their services soon." Despair padded up to the luminous green cauldron. It glowed brighter in her presence. She began to stir it with a talon, and images swirled in its depths. After a few seconds of silent stirring, she settled on a single picture. "Ah. He's perfect. Strong, handsome, and he won't ask too many questions."

"I'm back, shall we begin?" Cruelty chimed in, returning before anypony realized she had left.

"So we shall," Despair concurred.

"Okay, but I still don't know what we're doing." Deceit reluctantly agreed.

"Soon, Equestria will be ours once again." Greed put in, finally turning away from his impressive rock collection to contribute. The four draconequi gathered in a circle around the cauldron, which began to glow with a blinding whitish-green light, humming audibly. They all held out a single hand, paw, or claw over the image in the center.

An image of another world.

In unison, they all snapped their fingers, once.

The sound echoed through the chambers of Tartarus like a thunderclap.

. . .

Mmmh. Hmmh. What? Oh. OW.

I awoke with a pounding headache, literally pounding. Every beat of my heart pressed a hot iron against my forehead, right between my eyes. I sat up with a groan. Quit whining, John. You're used to this. Take stock, collect your thoughts. Question one: Where are you?

It looked pretty early; the sun was just barely rearing its ugly head over the horizon. I was in a small room, with a window. In a pink heart-shaped bed. There was alot of pink. Pink walls, pink carpet, pink furniture, pink sheets. Pink hair. Yup. A small head of pink curly hair emerged from the covers beside me, silhouetted by the rising sun, obscuring the owner's face.

Alright, a one night stand, that was a reasonable explanation. I got piss-drunk at some club, found some equally piss-drunk chick, she took me home, we had sex. It had happened dozens of times before. Judging from the pink locks, she might be a stripper, or maybe, Morgan Freeman forbid, a hooker.

Hmm. Probably not a hooker. For one, I wasn't that desperate. For two, a hooker wouldn't have stuck around after I payed her. Three, I was in someone's house. Hookers don't have houses, they live in brothels or something.

Ok, so it was definitely a stripper. Which meant I wasn't paying for it. Maybe if I played my cards right, I could get a Round Two from this. Alright, John, play it smooth. Be affectionate. Chicks love that romantic crap. Closing my eyes against the partially-obscured sun's brilliance, I leaned across the bed and whispered breathily in her ear, "Good morning, Beautiful."

I felt a slight tremor in the bed as she awoke at the sound of my voice. Then I kissed her on the cheek.
Instead of the soft skin I expected, I felt the impression of short, downy hair against my lips. Dear God, if I slept with a dude, I'm going to kill myself with a flathead shovel.

I slowly opened my still sleep-encrusted eyes. Instead of one of the two options I had envisioned; A hot stripper whose face-obscuring hair I had kissed, or a large bear of a man whose soft stubble I connected lips with, I was greeted by something else.

Something not human.

A large, curly head of pink hair. A soft pink coat. Dainty little hooves pulling the sheets up to a too-long neck. A short muzzle that was curled into a crooked smile. It was the spawn of Satan himself.

Suddenly, its cartoonishly massive eyes shot open with an audible snap. It turned it's head slowly to regard me with giant, baby-blue orbs.

We both screamed at the same time.

I flew about three feet in the air, bringing the covers with me. We both landed in a heap on the floor, unveiling the creature in full splendor. It jumped to its feet so it stood on all fours on the bed.

No, not feet. Hooves. Now that it was fully revealed, I recognized the creature to be some sort of tiny horse, only standing to about my mid-chest. But it was PINK! And now it was talking! Or, more specifically, shouting, down the stairs to someone named Cake.

"Mr. Cake! He's climbin' in my window! He's trying to snatch me up! He's tryin' to rape me!" It screeched, in about half the time it probably took you to read that.

While said equine had its one-sided shouting math with the elusive Mister Cake, I was attempting to gather my shit for a hasty retreat. Shirt. Pants. Belt. Shoes/socks. Jacket. Goddamnit, where the hell were my BOXERS?

Forsaking my undergarments in favor of speed, I yanked my pants on. Looks like I was going commando for now. I was about to throw my shirt on when something struck me from behind and latched on, prompting the mini-horse to cheer, "Yeah, get'um Gummy!"

On instinct I reached back and yanked it off with a sickly pop. What I held in my hand by the tail appeared to be a tiny, toothless alligator. Not wanting to hurt it, I tossed it lightly onto the bed with the horse. I pulled my shirt on, grabbed my jacket and dashed for the stairs.

When I got to them, however, I cracked my head against the low door-frame, misjudged the placement of my feet on the too-small steps, and then proceeded to roll head-over-heels down the staircase. By the time I got to the bottom, my headache was considerably worse. I landed sprawled out on my back.

A second horse, this one yellow and a bit taller and thinner, stood over me menacingly. He carried what appeared to be a baseball bat in his teeth and was wearing striped red and white pajamas, of all things.

"Dear Celestia! Pinkie, what the hay is this thing!?" He called, his voice a bit muffled by the bat in his mouth.

"Y'all better hide your kids, hide your wife! Hide your kids, hide your wife! He's rapin' everypony out there!" She replied.

"What the hell is going on!?" I asked, quite reasonably, as I climbed to my feet, still unsteady.

"It talks!" The pink horse, whom I must assume was Pinkie, exclaimed from the top of the stairs.

"Why are we yelling!?" The gangly horse, who I had to assume was Mr. Cake, inquired through his mouthful of bat.

Before I could hear the pink one's answer, I stumbled to the door, and yanked it open with a pleasant ding. I only looked back for a second, and then, in my haste, promptly slammed my face into the low door frame, my forward momentum sending every part of my body but my head out the door. I fell on my back, knocking the wind out of me.

After a few seconds, my vision cleared just enough to make out the hazy, concerned faces of Pinkie and Cake. The ringing in my ears subsided, and I could hear a high-pitched creaking noise, like the squeaking of hinges. Hinges.

"Aw, fuck."

I finally blacked out when the heavy wooden door slammed on my head.

. . .

For some reason, I woke up in the hospital. Last night must have been crazier than I thought. Whatever painkillers they they were giving me were intense, fuckin' pink ponies and shit, I must have been out of it. The bed seemed a little too small, and I wasn't hooked up to anything, but I had a thick gauze bandage over my forehead. They probably didn't even know I was awake.

"Nurse?" I called out tentatively.

This prompted a rhythmic clacking down the hall, high heels. Hot nurse, hot nurse, hot nurse, hot nurse... I prayed silently. As the clicking got closer, I took the opportunity to examine my memories.

For some reason I still couldn't figure out what happened last night, just hazy details. And that dream was throwing me off, too. It was so vivid. I was watching too many cartoons, if I was seeing the characters in my sleep. But those cute, pastel-colored characters were one of the few innocent things left in my life. I relished those days when I could just sit around and watch their shenanigans over a bowl of cereal or a bag of chips, forget about all my problems and pour what's left of my soul into that perfect little world.

But, in the end, it was always short-lived. Reality always checked in and I would have to remember that I will never be as happy as those little figures in the screen. In a cartoon, problems resolve themselves in an episode or two, in reality, they lasted for years. In a cartoon, no one ever dies, families never split up, they love and laugh and sing songs.

In a cartoon, anything was possible, in reality... not so much.

Speaking of the impossible, what happened next would stretch my definition of the word. The clacking of heels drew closer, and eventually something entered. I'll give you three guesses what it was. A hot nurse? Nope. A friendly doctor? Guess again. A mildly creepy orderly? Sorry, better luck next time. The correct answer was:

A fucking horse.

In a fucking nurses cap.

If I wasn't confused before, I was now. I stood gaping at the white horse for what seemed like minutes, it attempted to get my attention, but I wasn't ready yet, so it just shifted awkwardly while it waited for me to snap out of it. Eventually, I shook my head and sighed, "Goddammit."

That basically summed up the situation and my feelings on it. I had been in more than a few bad situations, and eventually you just need to stop fighting and try to wait out the storm, accept what comes. "Alright, spit it out. I know you can talk."

The nurse regained it's composure. "Oh, good. I was worried you had gone into shock." I had to assume it was female.

"I did, for a second, there."

She nodded, and continued, "Not surprising, considering what you've been through. When Mr. Cake brought you in, Pinkie Pie was practically in hysterics, raving about how you tried to rape her."

I saw her curiosity war with her professionalism. Apparently curiosity won.

"What was that all about, anyway? Don't worry, doctor-patient confidentiality." She brought a hoof to her lips and made a zipping motion across them, then flicked it like she was throwing the zipper away.

"The pink one? I don't remember much, but I assure you that I did nothing sexual with said pink one."

"Oh, good. If you had, I think a few of the stallions around here would have had a few words for you. She's quite a character. Very likable." She looked at the clipboard hanging on the end of my uncomfortable mini-horse bed. "Now that you're awake, maybe we can fill a few holes in your information. Now, we know that you're a Minotaur, but-"

I interrupted her "Hold up, I'm a what, now?"

"A Minotaur. That's the only naturally bipedal species we know of, and you're obviously a biped. Maybe the concussion was worse than we thought. We don't know what happened to your horns or the hair on your chest." She ran her eyes over my features. "Or your face. No offense."

"I'm not a Minotaur. I'm a human. I'm also supposed to look like this, thank you very much." As an attempt to preserve my sanity, I had removed the barriers around my psyche, making me open-minded in the broadest sense. I was open to anything they could throw at me. Just who they were, I was still trying to figure out.

"A Hew-min? I'm not familiar with that species. That explains a lot, though. Lack of horns, your legs..." She trailed off, then said uncertainly, "I'm Nurse Redheart by the way. I guess we should do a medical analysis or something. As far as I know, we don't have any files on Hew-mins. And I don't see any reason why we shouldn't fill out this clipboard right."

"Humans. There's no pause in there." I corrected her, then answered, "I guess you should. I'm feeling a little better. " I was trying to ignore that she was a horse and focus on the talking part. My mind was hanging by a thread. I closed my eyes and focused on her voice, replacing her tiny horse with a hot nurse. Yeeaahh, that's better. Now, answer the nice nurses questions. "Alright, shoot."

A few questions in, it was apparent that she was not used to this new species thing, I'm sure she was a good doctor, normally, but when it came to the unknown, she was feeling in the dark.

When I couldn't tell her my 'Leyic count,' she cried out in exasperation, "I'm not getting paid enough for this research stuff! I'm not Twilight Sparkle!"

At this she smiled. "I'm not Twilight Sparkle. Ooh, she's gonna love you! She really enjoys researching new things! You just sit tight, I'll have Derpy send a letter right away!"

I opened my eyes just in time to see the little white horse dashing out of the hospital room.

"What?"

...And It Gets Worse

"Hello, Derpy!"

"Hiya, Twilight! I brought you a letter!"

"Don't you always?"

The letter in question appeared to be from Nurse Redheart. It was stamped with a big red URGENT on the front. Well, that explains why they sent Derpy. She may not be the most graceful mare, but when it came to the mail, she was the best, hooves-down. Twilight slit the letter open with her magic and read:

Twilight, if you're not doing anything, I would suggest you get down to the hospital right away. Today Pinkie Pie and the Cakes dragged in something that is, to say the least, a very interesting specimen.
P.S. He's a big one.

-Nurse Redheart

Incidently, Twilight had planned this to be a checklist day, and there was nothing on her schedule for the next two hours. She needed something to fill the hole. "Thanks, Derpy," she said, magically tucking a bit into the mailmare's saddlebag.

"Anytime, Twilight!" The mare saluted and flew off, accidentally knocking over Mister Withers awning with a misplaced wingtip. Twilight smiled and shook her head, then turned back into the doorway and called up to Spike.

"Spiiiiiike! I've got to go down to the hospital later! It's going to be a very busy day!" She was answered by a sleepy but confirmative grumble. It was the scheduled checklist day, after all, of course he woke up early. But he wouldn't be happy about it.

After they both had their morning coffee, they were feeling a bit more energetic. Spike astonishingly so.

"Qwill?" Twilight asked, floating a spare qwill to her writing desk.

"Check!"

"Parchment?" The parchment was already on the desk.

"Check!"

"Extra Ink?" She asked, floating a bottle of dark liquid over Spike's head.

"Check!"

"Extra, Extra Ink?" Spike raised an eyebrow, but checked it off nonetheless.

"Check!"

"Is that everything on the checklist?"

"Yup!"

"Great! Now that we've completed the checklist of things we need to create a checklist, we can make my checklist of the things I have to get done by the end of the day! Ready?"

"Ready!"

"Item one: Create checklist of the things I have to accomplish by the end of the day!" She finished with a massive grin, fully aware of her trolling. Spike sighed and slumped to the ground. Suddenly, a loud screaming could be heard out the window. Twilight instantly recognized her friend Pinkie Pie's voice, but she coundn't quite make out what she was saying. Soon, Mister Cakes voice could be heard as well. She turned to Spike. His dragon hearing was better than hers.

"Can you figure out what they're saying?"

"No, Pinkie's talking too fast, and Mister Cake's not talking loud enough."

"Well, I hope they work it out. We've got to pick up an order of cupcakes later."

Spike paused, then asked hesitantly, "Uh... Twilight? What's 'Rape' mean?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

By the time they finished their checklist, it was mid-morning. They were behind schedule, so without further ado, they set off to actually accomplish the things the checklist implied. About a quarter of the way through, it became obvious they wouldn't finish if they didn't improvise. So Twilight suggested that Spike drop off her cape at the cleaners and return the blackboard she borrowed, while Twilight ordered new parchment and quills from the stationary shop and then visited the hospital.

And so Twilight Sparkle began her short trot to the hospital. Ordering the parchment and quills had only taken a few minutes, she was a regular customer, after all. And she did come by almost every week, if not more. She could have sworn she just placed an order a few days ago. But, then again, her sudden obsession with checklists used up a lot of parchment. With that chore done, that left her with almost an hour to study her new specimen!

It seemed like the ideal day for it, all sunshine, not a cloud in the sky. Normally, she would have made a quip about how Rainbow Dash actually got up early to clear the clouds, but Twilight knew she didn't give Rainbow enough credit. Besides, it was too nice a day for disparaging comments. As Twilight walked leisurely through the market, she noticed how busy it was, a lot of bits changing hooves, a lot of gossip exchanged. Everypony seemed to be having a productive day! Especially Twilight. After the visit to the hospital, she planned on meeting up with Spike for a quick lunch, then heading down to Sugarcube Corner, to pick up the cupcakes for her picnic with the girls later.

When the lavender pony arrived at the hospital and got a visitors pass, she noticed that the normally-quiet hospital was a bit more crowded than usual. Of course. It had been barely been a week since Discords attack on Ponyville, there would be a few side effects from the ancient magics released in that final showdown. One of the voices stood out above the others. A deep, masculine voice growl with a soft, but insistent voice that Twilight recognized as Nurse Redheart.

"You shouldn't be out of bed yet, John! Look at your legs!"

"My legs are fine, Red. I already told you, they're supposed to bend like that."

Interesting. Twilight stopped outside the doorway to listen some more.

"HEY! Don't take that off! You need that!"

"No, I don't. The cuts aren't even bleeding anymore. You guys did a good job." Crack. "Other than the casts. For the third and final time, my legs are not broken, this is how they look normally." Crunch! "Did you try to shave my pants off? This is not fur, it is a removable covering. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY GODDAMN BOXERS?" The last exasperated exclamation made Twilight jump.

"That's everything that Pinkie could find in her room that wasn't hers! What were their names? Maybe they're trying to win the Golden Hooves or something?"

Long pause.

"That's not the kind of boxer I meant... Never mind. I guess I'm going commando. Again." There was a slight shifting of cloth, a zipper zipping, a soft snap, then the sound of a curtain opening.

"How do I look?"

"Like an alien."

"Too bad I forgot to bring my laser."

Nurse Redheart giggled. Twilight decided it was time to reveal herself. She walked in confidently, turned to the white pony, and said "Hello, Nurse Redheart. You said you had a sample for me to study?" The nurse, surprised by the unicorn's sudden entry, started slightly when Twilight spoke, then gestured with a hoof to the figure across the room. Twilight hadn't noticed it in her attempt to make a good, confident first impression. The purple unicorn turned to address the newcomer and was struck dumb.

It was... unlike anything Twilight had ever seen. In all of the books she had read, in all of the adventures with her friends, this creature in front of her was a complete unknown. It's most prominent feature was the fact that it stood upon two legs. Only a few creatures in Equestria could stand on their hind legs comfortably, this... thing was not among them. It looked almost as if it were as confused as she was, those beady, staring eyes. Then it shifted its body to the side, without moving its legs, almost as if to get a better look. It bared its teeth and advanced on the ponies. Twilights horn flared and she wrapped a protective fore hoof around the pale mare next to her, "Be ready to run, I think it's about to charge."

The creature stopped at this, and looked even more confused, its eyes started to search the room. Twilight, keeping her eyes to the beast, whispered into Nurse Redhearts ear, "Keep still, I think its vision is based on movement." At this, the creatures eyes snapped back to the pair. It bared its teeth in a wicked smile and growled, in a deep baritone:

"Clever girl," It said with mock reverence. Then it chuckled at its own joke. Twilight recognized the voice as the one she had heard outside. She blanched. Redheart had been talking to it before Twilight even arrived! Talking to it like a normal pony, it hadn't been chained up or anything! It was probably perfectly harmless, and Twilight had acted as if it was a monster! Her face, neck, and probably entire body, turned a bright scarlet as embarrassment flooded her. She removed her foreleg from the nurse, and realized she had been covering Redhearts mouth with a hoof. If it were possible, Twilight would have gotten redder. Nurse Redheart instantly began talking.

"Twilight Sparkle! I'm surprised at you! You, of all ponies, I thought would understand! We found this poor guy hurt and all alone, confused and without a friend in the world, beaten and..."

"Red," The creature chimed in sternly, "I think she understands, and besides, you're talking about me like I'm a freaking lost puppy. And I told you earlier to quit looking at me like that. It's making me uncomfortable." Indeed, the motherly nurse was giving it a look of adoration that would have melted even the coldest of hearts. Unfortunately, it was wasted on the creature. It just turned to look at Twilight.

"Now tell me, miss, are you, pray tell, a fucking unicorn?"

Twilight was confused.

"Ummm, yes, I'm a unicorn, although I have no idea what 'fucking' is."

The unknown sat back on the bed with a heavy thump. With her fight or flight instinct fading away, Twilight took this opportunity to examine the creature more more closely. As the adrenaline seeped out of her body, the features that looked grotesque earlier, gained a sort of art to it.

It had a short, hay-colored mane on his head. While its eyes were small, on closer inspection, they were the perfect size for its face, and they were the darkest, prettiest blue she had ever seen, deep and mysterious, like the ocean. On the side of its head it had these cute little round ears that were laid flat to his head, probably out of fear. That little fleshy triangle in the middle of his face... she couldn't figure out what it was until she noticed that it flared slightly when he took a breath. Surrounding the slit under its nose that she assumed was its mouth, there was a ring of fur that reminded her of the beards some stallions grew.

Its shoulders were broader than any stallions she'd ever seen, and it was wearing some sort of thin, black cloak that ended at its waistline. The creatures flank and legs were a sort of lightish-blue in color. Twilight eyes lingered over its knees. Apparently they were supposed to bend that way, but she couldn't blame Nurse Redheart for being concerned. They looked painful.

Only a moment had passed. The thing let out an exasperated sigh, and brought a hoof to its face. Twilights jaw dropped. That wasn't a hoof. At first, she thought the appendage looked a little like Spikes claws, or maybe like a minotaurs trotter, but then she counted the digits. One-two-three-four-five. Five.

It slid the appendage down its face until just the tips of the... digits were touching the bottom of its jaw. She noticed that they had little caps on the ends of them that looked a little like hooves. Tiny ones. It dropped them to its knee and started to speak again.

"Alright, so I passed out drunk and woke up in the land of magical ponies and unicorns. I've found myself hungover in stranger places. Well, maybe not as..." It trailed off when it noticed Twilight still staring at the... whatever it was. The thing at the end of its foreleg couldn't be called a claw or a paw. It picked up the appendage and wiggled the digits. Twilights eyes followed, wide. The creature chuckled again.

Still smiling, it explained slowly, like it was talking to a filly, "This is called a hand. Humans use them to move stuff around." It demonstrated this by picking up the vase full of flowers on the table next to his bed, then setting it down. It chuckled again.

Twilight didn't like being talked down to and laughed at like an ignorant foal. "Yeah? And how was I supposed to know that? What are you anyway? Some kind of shaved diamond dog?" She could almost hear the whooshing noise of the insult going right over its head. It just kept smiling, that infuriatingly cute smile, with those sharp little teeth in the corners...

Redheart stepped in before the Twilights mane caught fire again. "That's what you're here to find out, remember? New specimen, studying? Is any of this ringing a bell?"

"Oh, right..." It wasn't like her to forget things, but there was something, unsettling about this creature. It made her feel weird. Trying to ignore the biped, she aked Nurse Redheart, "Where did you say you found it again?"

"According to the Cakes, he was in Pinkie Pie's bed, of all places" At this, Twilight raised an eyebrow.
Noticing Twi's expression, the creature frowned and stated simply, "No."

The unicorn shook her head and moved on, "I'm going to need my supplies if I'm going to be studying it." She glanced at the creature again, "Scratch that, I'm going to need everything. It'd be best if I just took it home. When does it get out?"

The creature stood up suddenly, its previous frown had deepened into a scowl.

"Two things, Lady. I'm a 'He', not an 'It'. Get it right. And you're high if you think I'm going anywhere with some random bi... chick, who I just met." Twilight was surprised by his sudden ferocity. He looked like he wanted to attack her, but he stood his ground.

Redheart stepped in. "John, calm down. I know you've had a traumatic experience, and you probably aren't feeling very trusting of anypony right now, but you trust me, don't you?"

It... He closed his eyes and sighed. "Yes."

"Then trust me when I say, Twilight Sparkle will not hurt or mistreat you in any way. Will she?" The Nurse turned to the unicorn. She nodded.

John's eyes snapped open and he smirked. "You say that like she could."

Twilight definitely did not like his attitude. It almost reminded her of Trixie. Her feelings were getting all mixed up. She wanted to study him, and learn everything there was to learn about him, but she also wanted to walk out right then. Of course, the former option won. She was Twilight Sparkle, after all.

He sighed again and spoke. "So, what's the plan, then? Do I just walk out with her?"

Nurse Redheart answered him, "If it were up to me, you wouldn't be walking out at all. But, since I'm sure Twilight has been looking forward to this, my shift ends at 11. I'll leave you with her till then, then I'll pick you up, at say... The Hay Barn?"

"Actually, that works perfectly, I was planning on meeting Spike there for lunch at eleven"

John chimed in, speaking like on of those annoying Valley Mares, "Like, OHMYGOD, you two are, like, SO in sync right now? Spooky." He dropped back into his normal voice. "But seriously, though." He shook his head "I guess I'm okay with that. All of my plans for today got thrown out the window when I woke up in Pinks bed."

Twilight vowed that she would get the whole story from him sooner or later.

"It's settled then."

...And Then I Realized

It wasn't a dream. I knew that much. My dreams were painful, but not THIS painful. My head still hurt like a bitch from the hangover, and now it was even bitchier from the various collisions with the door frames. I thought horses were supposed to BIGGER than people.

Speaking of horses, these creatures didn't look much like 'em. Like I said before, they were too small. The first mini-horse I met, what did they say her name was? 'Pinkie Pie?' Yeah, she had been bright pink. This unicorn, 'Twilight Sparkle' was purple. Reds mane was pink, but I had assumed she'd dyed it. But then again, you couldn't blame me. Most of the girls I met had dyed their hair, why shouldn't a sapient horse be able to? Anyway, they were small, their coats were unnatural colors, et cetera, et cetera. And the eyes, man. They were WAAAY too big, like, as in, their brain shouldn't fit it their skulls. But I digress.

Red was, to say the least, concerned. "Now, make sure that if anything feels wrong, you come see me right away!"

So far, she'd been the only horse I'd met that hadn't immediately become aggressive toward me. Quite the opposite, in fact, she was fussing over me like a newborn baby. It was hard to get annoyed at such a nice girl, but after being asked about ten million times if I'm comfortable, if I'm hungry, If I need to go to the bathroom, it was getting harder and harder to share space with her. Especially since I've been through worse.

"I'll make sure to do that, Red." She giggled at her new nickname, and the way she laughed reminded me of my mom. I bit my lip to keep away the memories. The last thing I needed was to start bawling in front of these things.

To distract myself, I decided to take stock of my inventory. I put my hand into the right front pocket of my pants, and pulled out the familiar black-screened device. I slid to unlock, then checked the basic information. No bars. No GPS. I shook my head again.

The unicorn looked with interest at the tool in my hand as I browsed through my various apps. Eventually, She got up the courage, or the gall to ask what it was.

"This," I turned the glowing screen toward her, "Is a smartphone."

Now, she was interested. "What does it do?"

"Smartphones do many things. For example, right now, my smartphone is telling me that it is useless." To her obvious disappointment, I turned it off and slipped it back into my pocket. I had a feeling I wouldn't be getting any calls for a while.

I tried my back pocket. Wallet. I pulled it out and checked the contents. Couple hundred bucks. ID. Driver's licence. Credit card. Condom. Spare condom. Spare spare condom. All of it, useless. And yes, I keep three condoms in my wallet. Don't judge me.

The purple one was absolutely fucking ENTHRALLED with the items in my wallet. She didn't even hesitate this time before she started bombarding me with questions. I sighed, and told her,

"Listen, Sparks. I know I'm all new and interesting, but if you could hold your questions until AFTER I get out of this damn hospital, it would be much appreciated." I turned to my favorite nurse and winked at her. "No offense, Red. Maybe we can hang out sometime when you're not on-duty, hmm?" She blushed.

While Twilight blinked at her new nickname, I pulled on my coat. I felt something press against my chest. I raised an eyebrow and checked the front interior pocket. My fingers touched cool metal. Could it be...? I pulled the object from the pocket. It was...

My hip flask.

"Oh, thank Morgan Freeman and all his disciples," I breathed, and took a quick swig. Oh, heaven. The vodka burned my throat as it went down, and I felt better almost instantly. Sparks looked like she wanted to ask me another question, but a glance from me, and she swallowed it. I seriously wasn't in the mood for a game of twenty questions right now. I needed to get out of this hospital soon. Extended time in places of healing had made me nervous ever since the incident with the fireworks. Red seemed nice enough, though.

"Alright, Sparky, let's roll out before you fuckin' explode. See you later, Red." I replaced the flask in my coat pocket, and cast one last cursory glance about the room to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything. Unfortunately, despite everything, I still couldn't seem to find my fucking boxers. Trapped in the land of magical ponies without underwear. It was one of the strangest predicaments I had ever found myself in. Well, at least I have booze.

We walked out, or in Sparky's case, trotted out. I signed out at the front desk, earning a few stares from a couple of horses in the waiting room. Twilight stopped me with a hoof before I could walk out. I raised an inquiring eyebrow, addressing the unicorn. "What now?"

"I'm going to need you to stay with me when we go out there, and if you get lost, ask for directions to the library. But I'd prefer if you stuck with me. The ponies around here trust me, so if you're with me, they won't cause a scene or bother you too much."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever you say. Why the library, though?"

"I live there."

"You live in a library?"

"Yes. Why? Is there something wrong with that?" She answered, starting to look angry again. I sighed.

"Alright, Sparks. I know first impressions are hard to erase, and we haven't exactly hit it off, but you sound like a nice girl and I would rather be your friend than your enemy. So, if you're willing, maybe we could have a do-over?" I gave her a winning smile and held out a hand. I was about to explain the gesture when she put her hoof in my hand and shook it firmly.

As we exited the hospital, I attempted to alleviate the tension by starting a conversation. "Alright, cool! So, you live in a library. Are you a librarian, or just a VERY dedicated student?" I'd intended the latter to be a joke, but she nodded.

"I'm both actually. Princess Celestia put me in charge of the Golden Oaks Library while I'm here studying the magic of friendship. I'm her best and most faithful student!" she added with pride.

"Modest, too. Kidding." She'd started to get red again, and I didn't want to upset her so quickly after the do-over. "Who's this Celestia person? Red said her name a few times."

The unicorn just stared at me.

"What?"

"You're joking, right?"

"The one time I'm not."

"Princess Celestia is the Co-ruler of all Equestria, along with Princess Luna! She raises the sun every morning? You must have hit your head pretty hard, John... How many hooves am I holding up?" She held up a hoof.

"One. I did hit my head pretty hard, though. Maybe that's why the name sounds so familiar..." Indeed, much of this place was ringing tiny bells in my head, but I couldn't quite put my finger on whatever it was. Equestria, Ponyville, Celestia. DING DING DING. Whatever, I'd figure it out later. We continued walking, I cast, glances around every once in a while, trying not to look too attentive while also taking in EVERYTHING. The houses appeared to be about 17th-century style, not very modern, but they weren't living in mud huts. We walked into what I assumed to be some sort of market square, and I got a nice, blinding faceful of the damn sun again. Since I was still hungover, this was worse than it sounds.

"Ugh..." I groaned, shielding my eyes with one hand and reaching for the right pocket of my jacket with the other. To my own surprise, I found a pair of glasses in it. Sunglasses. Aviators.

"Sweet! I love these glasses!" I exclaimed, spinning them in my hand once, then putting them on over my eyes. "Nice..."

The discovery of my glasses reminded me that I had a whole other pocket, I searched through this one too. My lighter, a box of cigarettes. I shook the box, then opened it. I had a few left. I took one out and showed it to Sparks.

"Do you know what this is?" I asked. We were still walking through a market square full of mini-horses.

"No. Why? What is it?"

"Good." I nodded once, not answering her question. This was good for two reasons: One, smoking is bad, and innocent pink ponies did not belong doing it. Two, believe it or not, I had been meaning to quit. I tucked the box back into my pocket, tucked the cigarette in my lips, and lit that sucker. Smoke 'em if you got 'em, I thought. Sparky's eyes widened as I brought the lighter up to my face and lit the little cancer agent. I dropped the lighter back into the pocket as well, then took a long pull, French inhaling. As I blew the smoke out my nostrils, my little purple friend started asking very obvious questions.

"Is that SMOKE?"

"Yes."

"Are you a DRAGON?"

"No."

"Then how are you breathing it out?"

In answer, I waved the still-burning cigarette at her.

"So, you are purposely breathing in smoke?"

"Yes."

"Isn't that BAD for you?

"Yes."

"Then, why do you do it?"

"Because I'm addicted. This is my last one, though, so, hopefully I'm done. And before you ask me a crap load of questions, I'm not going to explain the flask, or this," I waved the cigarette again. "Because, according to you, this place hasn't been graced with either of them, and I'm gonna keep it that way. Just because I'm a pathetic druggie bastard, doesn't mean the rest of you have to be."

Sparky looked taken aback. Again. Geez, if everyone around here is this fragile, I might as well hide myself. I can't even have a serious conversation with a magical unicorn without her staring at me like I killed her family. Dammit, John, play nice.

"Look, I'm sorry I'm being such an asshole. It's just that the concussion, plus certain choices on my part, have left me with a splitting headache. It'll go away eventually. Ask me something else." I attempted to placate her. She immediately became excited again, and started spewing questions af fast as I could answer them. I'm really going to regret telling her to do that.

After what seemed like hours to me, but was probably only, like, two minutes, we finally got to our destination: Ponyville Public Library. Sparky stopped walking. I was field-stripping the cigarette butt, removing the paper and tobacco so I could save the filter, which is not biodegradable. I was still walking as I did this and accidentally bumped into her ass. Being as her ass is at my crotch level, I expected this to be extremely awkward, but she didn't seem to notice. I honestly was too hungover to care, so for the whole of this next conversation we were in the doggy-style position. She just turned and gestured to the building in front of us.

"Well, here we are! Golden Oaks Library!"

"Yaaaay..." I tossed the paper and leftover tobacco off to the side and put the filter in my pocket to throw away later. I looked up, and what I saw would irrevocably change my life forever. I found myself looking up at...

A library.

But not just any library. It was...

Twilight Sparkle's library.

My mouth dropped open and I turned to the purple unicorn, pointing at her.

"You're Twilight Sparkle!"

She looked at me like I was crazy, and to be honest, I was halfway there.

"I thought we'd already established that..." She recoiled slightly at the manic look in my eye.

"You're the pony from the... library... and the..." Actually, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to tell them that
they're from a TV show. "Never mind."

"Ooooookay, insanity aside for the moment..."

"DON'T WORRY TWILIGHT! I'LL SAVE YOOOUUUU!" A high-pitched voice interrupted us.

Bitch senses... tingling... I took a single step back in time to see a pink blur streak by, inches from my face. It landed on its hooves a few feet away. I recognized it as the first pony I'd come in contact with... the dreaded Pink One.

I chuckled. "Nice miss, bitch."

The Pink One, of course, was furious. "Twilight, get away from him! It's too late for me, but you can still save yourself! RUN!" Sparks just kind of just stood there, confused. Pink rounded on me.

"I don't know how you escaped, but I'm bringin' you back in! Ponies like you disgust me, taking advantage of helpless mares! And Twilight! You would take from her the thing that she's been saving for her first special somepony? You monster!"

Sparks snapped out of it, then blushed, "Pinkie! You said you wouldn't tell anypony!"

Before I continue, I'm going to reiterate, that, at the time, I was hungover as a bitch, recovering from a concussion, still in shock from finding myself in a land of magical ponies, and I had now once again had the pleasure of meeting the crazy pink whore who now seemed thoroughly convinced that we had unconsensual sex. Suffice to say, I was sick of this shit.

"You know what, Pink? FUCK YOU! I wouldn't rape you even if you wanted it! Do you think I asked for this? If you've got a fucking problem with me, why don't we settle it? I'm not afraid to hit a lady." I took a fighting stance. She looked pretty fast, and a small target, but I thought I could take her. Turns out I wouldn't have to.

Sparkles was in between us before Pink could retort.

"Hey! Don't either of you two think that this has gotten a little out of hoof?" She glared at me. I glared right back. Pink snorted like a horse, but relaxed a little. "Now, Pinkie, can you tell me exactly what happened?"

And so she did. And I managed to ignore the whole thing. Here's how it sounded in my brain:

"Well first I was asleep and I was dreaming about..." Ellie Goulding, take me away from this place. I began bobbing my head to the beat as I magnificently ignored the mares, so enthralled in their petty conversation.

I had a way theeeeeen, losing it all on my oooown,

I had a heart theeeeen, but the queen has been overthroooown,

And I'm not sleeping now, the dark is too hard to beat,

And I'm not keeping now, the strength I need to push me,

"And then, I woke up, and he was there, so I screamed and he screamed and we were both screaming..." Holy crap, is she still talking?

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stoooone,

You shine it when I'm alooone,

And so I tell myself that I'll be stroooong,

And dreaming when they're gooone!

"And then he hit his head on the door and I was gonna ask if he was ok but then I remembered he raped me
and he deserved it..." She hasn't taken a breath yet...

Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home,

Calling, calling, calling home,

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stone,

Shining, when I'm aloooone!

"And then he was talking and I was confused so I asked Mr. Cake but then he got up..." I wonder if anybody else plays music in their head when they ignore somebody...

Noises, I play within my head,

Touch my own skiiiiin, and hope that I'm still breathing,

And I think back to wheeeen, my brother and my sister slept,

In an unlocked place, the only time I feel safe.

"And then he knocked himself out and I wanted to get back at him but Mr. Cake wanted to make sure he was ok so we took him to the hospital..." I don't like the sound of that...

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stoooone,

You shine it when I'm alooone,

And so I tell myself that I'll be stroooong,

And dreaming when they're gooone!

"And I was gonna go to the hospital to make sure that he was put behind bars when he was better but Nurse Redheart told me he was released this morning..." Ugh...

Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home,

Calling calling calling home,

You show the lights that stop me, turn to stone,

Shining, when I'm aloooone!

"And I got really scared so I started looking for him and I saw him and he was gonna rape you so I tried to tackle him but he moved..." Sweet Jesus, this is the longest rant ever...

Lights, lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights, lights,

Lights, lights, lights.

"And then it's now." She took a big breath after that, then sat back on her rump, squeeing slightly. Sparky turned to me.

"John?"

"In all of my years, I have never pleasured anybody without their consent, be they man or woman, human or pony. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." I frowned. "Do look like a rapist to you?"

She facepalmed, er, facehoofed. "I don't know what you look like, John. The last time I ignored Pinkie, the town got overrun with parasprites. Tell you what Pinkie, I'll keep him under surveillance, while you go get 'checked out' You know what I mean, don't you?"

Cotton Candy scowled. "I already did, the test was negative. They said I was overreacting."

"HA!" That was me.

Sparky rolled her eyes, then looked apologetically at her friend. "Sorry, Pinkie. I'm going to have to take a professional's opinion on this one. If he does try anything, I think I can take him. Remember the Ursa?"

This seemed to satisfy her, though she didn't appear happy about it. "I'm still going to get him back, though. And I'm not going to throw him a 'Welcome to Equestria' party, either!" And with that, the tiny pink horse stuck out her tongue at me, blew a loud rasberry, then disappeared.

"This isn't over, is it?"

"Not by a long shot."

I closed my eyes, pinched the bridge of my nose, and heaved a huge sigh. "Let's just go inside." She sighed, too, and shook her head. I followed her to the door. Her horn flared and the door opened. I wasn't surprised. I didn't remember much about the show, to be honest. I generally only watched cartoons when I was drunk, high, depressed, or an unholy combination of the three. But I could recall basic details, unicorns have telekinesis, the purple ones name was Twilight, and she had a pet lizard or something.

You couldn't blame me for not recognizing it sooner. Everything was realistic here. I could count the individual hairs on Spark's back. But that image of the library brought it all back. I had to give that a minute to sink in: I'm in a cartoon. Wait a second... If I'm a human male... and this morning, I woke up in Ponyland with no memory of how I got there... then there is only one logical conclusion.

I am the main character in a badly-written fanfiction.

I REALLY hope I don't end up fucking a cartoon horse.

The door closed behind me, snapping me out of my silent revelations. I heard the door lock, and the blinds close. We were bathed in a cloak of darkness. Now, I was nervous. I'd played enough video games to know that nothing good ever happens when the door locks behind you. Suddenly, Twilight placed a gentle hoof on my chest, her weight pressing my back into the door. She gave me a strange look, then licked her lips.

"Now, let's get you out of those clothes. I wanna see what you REALLY look like."

ಠ_ಠ

Oh, please, God, no.

...And I Get Naked

ಠ_ಠ

Oh, please, God, no.

"Ho, ho there, girl, not on the first date!" I joked, but on the inside, I was very, very scared. I had two problems with my current situation, in no particular order:

She had dropped no hints, I had had no idea she was into me. Take me by surprise, why dontcha.

She's a goddamn horse.

She looked hurt. "What?"

Shit, now I hurt her feelings. "Well, don't you think we're taking this a bit fast? Maybe we should, like, go on a
few dates or something? Hmm?" Yeah, right. I'm not fucking a horse.

Why is she confused now? "Are you asking me out?"

"Says the girl who just pinned me to the wall and is trying to take my clothes off."

More confusion. "I don't understand."

A glimmer of hope. Maybe... this isn't the rape scene? Maybe.... maybe it's just culture shock? I searched my memory. In the show, they didn't wear clothes most of the time, so the concept of constantly being clothed might be new to them.

I attempted to explain. "Well.... humans are used to being clothed all the time. there's a reason we call our privates 'privates'. Generally, we only remove our clothing for..... potential mates."

"Oh.... OH!" She turned bright red. It was kinda cute in a completely non-sexual way.

"Uh.... Sparky? Could you get off? Of me?" She immediately obliged, launching into full explanation mode.

"I didn't mean it like that! I'm not going to mate with... Well, not that you're ugly, but I hardly know you! I just
wanted to get an accurate sketch, because finding a new species is a big thing that everyone should know about-"

"Hey. Shh." I put a finger to her lips. Oh, get your mind out of the gutter, you bunch of pervs, I was just trying to get her to shut up. Her voice wasn't annoying per se, but she was talking really fast and it was kind of high-pitched. Not good for a hangover.

"You had me scared Sparky. I thought I was going to get raped. Why did you close the blinds?"

"You were acting very sensitive to the light, so I thought that might make you more comfortable. Guess it did the opposite, huh?" She gave a nervous little laugh.

I sighed. "Don't worry about it, you caught me by surprise, is all. I'd be happy to pose for a sketch." I'd actually modeled for an art class back in college. It wasn't horrible, though for alot of girls I think it was just an excuse to look at my dick. I don't think that's the case for Sparky. Or, at least I hope not. Hard to tell, she's excited enough.

"You would really do that for me? Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!" She started jumping around me in circles, shouting 'yes'.

"Sure, I mean, we're both adults here, right? Purely scientific interest, right?"

Wait.

"You are an adult, right?"

She laughed. "Of course I'm an adult! I'm 22!"

"Great...." I started untying my shoes. When I got them off, she started staring.

"Twat?"

"Your hooves come off?"

"Not hooves, shoes. Our feet are kinda soft, so we wear them when we walk around. Think of them as....
artificial hooves."

Next, shirt. In a single movement, perfected from five years of being an eligible bachelor, I pulled my shirt off, revealing my, (if you ask me) rather muscular chest.

Now she was staring again. "If you're gonna do that every time I remove an article of clothing, I'm not gonna do this."

She looked away. "Sorry."

"Fine, I'll bite. What?"

"Well.... I... I...."

"C'mon."

"I thought you were male, but I guess not." She turned red again.

"I am male. I have a dick." I gave her a look. With my eyes, not of my dick, ya pervs.

"B-But, you have teats!"

"What are you talking about?"

She pointed with a hoof toward my pectoral muscle.

"Your point? Dudes have nipples, too."

"No, they don't."

"Yes, they do."

"No, they don't."

"Well, human males do, okay?" I finished, facepalming. It's too early, and I'm too hungover for this shit. I barely
got my shirt off and she's arguing with me about my own anatomy, for Chrissakes.

I pulled off my socks and unbuttoned my pants. Of course, she had something to say about that, too.

"Why is there a lock on that?"

"It's a button. It keeps them from falling off."

"Why do you wear so much clothes?"

"Tradition, I'd say." Short and simple. But, of course, she wasn't going for that.

"You have a tradition based on a nudity taboo? That seems a little strange..."

"Well, to elaborate, we lost our fur, so we put on clothes, and now we feel naked when we take them off."

"Why'd you lose your fur?"

"You ask a lot of questions. The answer is: No idea. It was a long time ago. Evolution."

"Pricess Celestia said that questions are a sign of an active mind."

"Well, congratu-fucking-lations to her. Me? I'm still hungover. So please, hold your questions until after the
demonstration." I sweeped my arm dramatically before jumping in the air, grabbing the hems of my pants, yanking them
off, then landing on my feet with them in hand. I'd perfected this trick in high school. Apparently, Sparky found it impressive, she started ~~clopping~~ clapping her hooves, and laughing. I bowed sarcastically and dropped my pants to the ground. Then again, there isn't much I don't do sarcastically.

"Ta-da. I am now indecent." She finished ~~clopping~~ clapping and looked at me expectantly. I guess holding true to her 'Hold questions until after' promise.

. . .

Pinkamena Diane Pie was sitting in her room with the lights off, a manic grin on her face as she gazed lovingly at her tools. She picked one of them up, a long shiny number that was sure to do some damage. She licked the sweet, salty nectar off of it as she contemplated the large gynecologists table she had installed. She didn't know who, or what this 'John' thing was, but she did know one thing:

They were going to have alot of fun together.

. . .

A sudden shiver ran down my spine.

"What? Are you cold? I know a few spells that could-"

"No, no... I just had a weird chill there..."

"O...kay... Well, back to business." With her horn, she levitated a notebook with a similar emblem to her ass-
tattoo. Actually, the same emblem.

"That custom? It matches the mark on your butt." I gestured between the notebook and said mark.

"It's called a cutie mark, and yes it is! I've been saving it for a special occasion!" She flipped it open.

"I'm flattered." I said, toning down my sarcasm till it almost sounded genuine. She just floated a pencil to the
paper and looked at me expectantly.

"What, you want I should strike a pose?" I struck a ridiculuously lewd pose. "I want you to draw me, Twilight.
Draw me like one of your French mares."

The sudden movement caused my penis to start wagging back and forth, which caused her eyes to follow it,
which was kind of funny. Until she opened her mouth again.

"Does it always... hang like that?"

"Yep."

"I can kind of see why you wear clothes all the time, now. Just... stand like you normally would, I guess."

I complied. She began to draw. Now, I would say that during these minutes I contemplated how I got here and
what I was going to do now. But then I would be lying. Ever since I dropped out of college, I'd taken my life one day at a
time. It made it easier to dodge the curveballs sent my way by God or Morgan Freeman or whoever was in charge. Or,
maybe now it was this Celestia chick. Whatever. So, basically I just stood there with a somber expression until she
finished up the sketch.

"There, that goes in the archives... Now, I'll need one of you clothed to send to the princess." She slid the
notebook onto a small secluded shelf, possibly her personal works.

"Why didn't you do that before I got naked?" She blushed when I asked.

"I...I guess I was just excited."

"..."

"..."

"...Sweet Jesus, that sounded wrong." I began putting my clothes back on. I gestured to the bookcase. "Can I
see the sketch?"

I'd already managed to get my pants zipped and buttoned by the time she answered.

"I guess..." She seemed reluctant.

She floated the notebook over and grabbed it out of the air. The sketch was crazy accurate. It even had parts labeled. I had to correct her on a few things, though.

I tossed the notebook back to her, then pointed at my blonde hair. "Hair, not mane." I pointed at my
nose. "Nose, not snout."

She raised an eyebrow as she made use of the eraser. "So, you call your manes hair? Your hair, would then be
made of hair?"

"I heard you like hair."

"What?"

I slipped back into my shirt. "Nothing. Is my dick really that big, or did you 'Enlarge to show detail'?"

"I tried to be as accurate as possible. Is it normally smaller? I'd guess you're about average for a stallion." Her
voice dropped as her face fell. "Not that I would know."

She's comparing my penis size to that of a horses. I should be flattered. "Yeah, I heard what the pink one said."
She turned red again. She's embarassed. I sit down in a chair to tie my shoes. My mouth commits insubordination.

"Listen, Sparky. I take it you're embarassed about being a virgin. Don't be. I lost mine to some fucking slut who
dumped me when I stopped buying shit for her. And if you don't count anal, I lost it to some bitch who left me when I
wanted to get serious. Hang on to your cherry, Little Girl, and save it for someone who'll pop it gently."

. . .

Brain: SOULDAMMIT MOUTH, I'LL HAVE YOU COURT-MARTIALED!

Mouth: Is there a problem, Brain?

Brain: YES! I DON'T CARE IS THE PROBLEM!

Mouth: If you don't care, why is it a problem?

Brain: But I... It... You... The horse... Fuck you.

Mouth: Eat a dick.

Brain: You eat a dick, you're the mouth.

. . .

I finished tying my shoes. "Not that it's any of my business."

. . .

Mouth: Better?

Brain: A little. You're still a dick, though.

Mouth: No, Dick is a dick.

Dick: You rang?

. . .

You ever just get a boner for no reason at all? She shook her head, still looking at the ground. "It's not that. It's just that I've never... gotten to that point with anypony... I've never even had a coltfriend before..."

. . .

Brain: Don't do it... You're just digging a hole, bro... DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT!

. . .

"From where I'm sitting, you seem like a nice girl. Dateable. That just means you need to take the initiative.
Make the first move once in a while. The guys probably think you're shy, or they're being polite. That's how it was on
Earth."

. . .

Brain: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Mouth: Lolumad?

Heart: Now give her a hug! Everybody likes hugs!

Brain and Mouth: STFU!

. . .

She brightened somewhat. "You... You think I'm dateable?"

. . .

Mouth: (About to reply, closes before he can do any more damage.)

Brain: Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! Why'd you ask? Why'd you even say anything?

Mouth: I will admit, not what I expected.

Dick: I'm going to hide now. Good luck, page me when you need me.

Heart: I swear to Soul, if you idiots break this innocent creatures little heart, we will feel the guilt until our dying
day.

Brain: (Sigh) Fine. Mouth, damage control.

. . .

"Sure... You look... nice..."

. . .

Brain: You... are a fucking idiot. Words cannot describe my hatred for you in this instant.

. . .

Sparky giggled and began drawing again. I struck a slightly thoughtful pose in the chair. This time I was actually
thinking.

How did this shit get so awkward? It's not that they're ugly, they're a different species. I can understand in an aesthetic manner, but... no. Now I'm trying to console one and give it relationship advice, when literally not one of my relationships has turned out. Why the fuck am I here? What the fuck is going on? If it's ten times better than the leading brand, WHY THE FUCK ISN'T IT THE LEADING BRAND?

"Twilight, I'm going to go outside for some fresh air." I stood up and left without waiting for an answer. I unlocked
the door and opened it, stepping onto the welcome mat, closing it behind me. Why do the doors have handles?

No, if you value your sanity, do not think those thoughts.

. . .

Twilight sketched the creature, trying her best to get his features correct. It was unlike drawing a pony in almost every way, and for some reason, that made it fun. Many ponies would have just taken a photo of him, but not her. A sketch was much more personal. Just as she was putting the finishing touches on his clothes, he stood and said he was going to go outside. He was already gone before she could protest. She drew the button of his 'pants' and surveyed her work. It was fairly accurate, though the eyes were a bit too big.

She began to write a letter. Spike was out running errands, so she wielded the quill and parchment on her own.
Taking them in her magic, she began to write.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing this letter to bring to your attention an anomaly. As I am certain you are aware of, the fact that Ponyville is on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and as a result, we see quite a few strange things out here, the most
of which, a creature that calls himself a 'Human'. Enclosed is a sketch I drew of this creature. His name is John. I will be researching him as much as possible while he is here. Please respond with your thoughts.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

She rolled the note into a scroll and tucked it away. She would give it to Spike to send when they went to lunch.
Speaking of lunch, she had to fetch the guest of honor. With her magic, she opened the front door and called to
him. "John?"

. . .

I had become slightly detached. But I had put down a few ground rules.

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.

3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.

4: Thou shalt not ask questions.

5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!

Short, simple, easy to remember. Five simple rules to keep me suave, sane, and sappy. I just finished
memorizing the list when I heard a certain bookish mini-horse call my name hesitantly. "John?"

"Yah?" I called back over my shoulder without turning around.

"Um... We're supposed to meet Spike and Nurse Redheart at The Hay Barn in a few minutes, so..." I heard her
walk up behind me.

I sighed heavily. "Alright, then. Allon-sy, Madamoiselle."

...And A Few Queries Are Made

“How long until he gets here?”

“I don’t know Spike, he should have been here by now. Oh, I hope nothing happened to him...” Nurse Redheart fussed. The young dragon and she were currently biding time at a table in the Hay Barn, receiving pointed looks from one of the waiters every few minutes.

Finally, Redheart’s crowd-scanning paid off. “There he is, Spike!”

She pointed a hoof down Mane Street, and sure enough ,the strange biped could be seen, weaving through the market-day crowd with what appeared to be a lavender sack of potatoes slung over his back, drawing much more attention than he had this morning.

Indeed, several ponies screamed and fled.

Setting the lavender deadweight down in the chair beside him, the creature took a seat in the last available spot, filling the tables four chairs.

“Whatsup-whatsup, Miss Tasty.” he said, an obvious greeting. He grinned his sharp teeth, obviously in a better mood than he was this morning. However, his smile quickly vanished beneath a curtain of green fire.

“Spike! What are you doing!?” The dragon said nothing, just continued spitting flames at their guest, who raised his arms to protest his face, falling backward in his chair. Spike jumped up on the table, spraying John until his cheeks turned deep purple and he paused to take a breath. Redheart knocked him lightly off the table with a hoof, careful not to hit him too hard, before tending to the human. Amazingly, he appeared unscathed, his body outlined by charred wood, but without even a speck of soot on his jacket.

“John, are you alright?”

“Woah. That was weird.” He had apparently noticed his lack of being-on-fire as well. He stood and examined his still-glowing outline on the floor. Then, he did the unthinkable. He simply shrugged, righted his chair, and sat back down.

“Fire-breathing iguana. Now I’ve seen everything. Also, ‘Fire-Breathing Iguana’ sounds like a good name for a band.” Only now did he seem to notice that the entire resturant seemed to be staring at him. He frowned. “Take a fucking picture, it’ll last longer.”

One of the ponies in the restaurant actually pulled a camera out of nowhere and snapped a photo of the of the biped. John sighed and grabbed a menu.

Spike, who had finally managed to claw his way back onto the table, breathed smoke from his nostrils as he demanded, “What did you do to Twilight, you...” He paused and tried to think of the worst insult he knew. “You JERK!”

John sighed again, and set his menu down. “The iguana talks. I stand corrected, I haven’t seen everything.”

He answered Spike’s question. “I didn’t DO anything to her. I just told her I was an alien, and she said something along the lines of, ‘Holy shit, John, you’re an alien? That is so cool, that I might lose consciousness.’ and then she passed out.”

The nurse looked at him concernedly. “Now why would you tell her a silly thing like that?”

“Because it’s true. Here.” He pulled out that strange black device he always carried with him from his pocket, holding it up for her to see.

“Have you ever seen anything like this? Anything like me?” He tapped at the device and it began to glow. He tapped it a few more times before showing her its face. A mottled blue, green, brown and white sphere turned slowly on an axis, strangely-shaped continents spinning endlessly in a sea of stars.

“This is my planet. We called it Earth. It’s in the Sol system, Milky Way Galaxy. Heard of it? No? Didn’t think so.”

. . .

Honestly, it was making me a little homesick. I’ve haven’t even been here for twenty-four hours and I already miss that mudball.

I swallowed the pain and locked it in that special chest where I keep all of my real emotions. I turned the phone off and tucked it back in my pocket, explaining further.

“I showed Sparky the same thing, she made a couple weird noises, then keeled over.”

Honestly, the only thing I was currently sure of was that I wasn’t on Earth anymore. Nothing seemed right here. Not only was it the fact that I saw mini-horses with wings pushing clouds around (including the gay blue one I saw from the show) That kind of shit just plain doesn’t happen on Earth. But I had a feeling in my gut that this was not the planet I was born on. It’s difficult to describe.

I sighed. “But don’t worry, I’ll show you a trick I learned from my friend Dutchy.” I dipped my fingers in my water glass. I then flicked the water at Sparky’s unconscious face.

“Excito.” Her eyes flicked open with a gasp. She was about to start yapping again, but I covered her mouth with my own wet palm. “Before you say anything, I just want to remind you that we haven’t eaten lunch yet, and questions can always be answered later.”

She nodded and I removed my hand. She took a deep breath. “Okay. Lets eat, then.”

“Coolio.” I picked up my menu again, ignoring the glares from Fire-Iguana. Flipping through it a few times, I looked toward the kitchen. “Is this some sort of vegan restaurant?”

“What do you mean, John?” Red inquired from behind her menu.

“There’s no dairy or meat products on this menu. There isn’t even any eggs or fish.”

“Dairy or... Meat products?”

“What the hell are Hay Fries?”

“Hold on, ‘meat’ as in...” I heard her swallow loudly before finishing in a tiny voice: “Flesh?”

“Um, yeah, what else would it mean?” I lowered my menu to look her in the eyes. They were terrified. “Though I guess it makes sense, now that I think about it. You’re all herbivores.”

“And you’re not?” Spyro finally joined in the conversation. “Celestia said I’m a minerovore.”

“Nope, omnivore. You name it, I’ll eat it.” I grinned, baring my teeth. “You don’t get pearly whites like these babies from crunching on carrots. Speaking of which, you guys have cheese curds here? I fucking LOVE cheese curds!”

Red was really pale, which was weird, not only because her coat was white, but because she’s a nurse, wouldn’t she deal with blood and guts all the time?

“Besides, I don’t eat stuff that talks, so you don’t need to worry.”

A waiter approached the table. “Miss Sparkle, I’m afraid you’re going to have to take the creature outside, it’s disturbing our other patrons.”

I piped up before Sparky could answer. “If the other patrons are disturbed, they can rightly piss off. Now if you’re through insulting me, I’ll have the fried cheese curds”

The waiter seemed to be surprised that I could talk. I glared at him and he wrote my order down, and as he took the others orders.

Sparks ordered first. “I’ll have a daisy sandwich.”

Barney Junior next. “I’ll have an order of hay fries.”

And finally, Red. “Just a salad for me, thank you.”

The waiter wrote all this down, cast me a fleeting, fearful glance, and cantered away. I turned to Red. “Is everyone here but you an asshole?”

“An... asshole?”

“I’d explain, but I don’t think it proper table conversation. It’s a term for someone who’s not very pleasant.” I’d decided to start defining things in childs terms, because of their naivety.

There was an awkward silence. I leaned back in my chair and put my hands behind my head, staring to the open sky. I saw a bird fly above me, green and gold. I’d never seen one like that before. I felt something spark inside me, like a little animal stirring back to life. It took me a second to put a name to it, and when I did, I was surprised at the results.

It was my curiosity, long dead to the world.

“Alright, let’s play a game, to make this fair; I ask a question and get an answer, And in return, you ask a question and get one. That way, everyone learns, and I don’t get overwhelmed.”

Sparkles seemed a little taken aback at this. She put her head in her hooves and thought of a good one. “You’re really an alien?” I guess that’s all she could think of.

“I think so. Nothing I’ve seen here really makes me think ‘home’, and if the closest thing you have to human here is the beast from the labyrinth, I get the weird feeling I’m a fish out of water. Scratch that, a fish in space. On fire. With tits, while I’m at it.” I slapped my forehead suddenly. “Aw, FUCK. If I’m the only human here, where am I gonna find TITS?”

“Um, is that your question?”

“No.” I sighed and thought for a second, before pointing at the green and gold songbird, who had landed in the decorative hedges that bordered the restaurant. “What kind of bird is that?”

Once again, she seemed taken aback, but answered me nonetheless. “I believe that’s a Green Jay, Veridicitta cristata. It subsists mainly on seeds, nuts, and insects, and migrates into the northern-”

“Green Jay? And since he’s a bird, he’d be a Green Jay Pecker. I think I’ll call him Aaron Rodgers.” I then chuckled quietly to myself. To my surprise the bird flitted off its perch in the hedge and alighted on my pointed finger. However, my new equine acquaintances seemed more confused by my cheesehead humor than by the birds behavior.

“Holy shit,” I said quietly. It just sat there for a moment, cocking its head to one side before hopping up onto my head. “What do I look like, Saint Francis?”

It chittered a few times before settling down in my hair like a nest. It didn’t seem to plan on moving soon.

Sparkly McGee seemed uncertain. “Can I ask a question, now?”

“Sure, ask away.” I replied, careful not to move my head too much.

“How did you get here?”

How did I get here? For the first time today I began racking my brain for details. They came back in little chunks, like someone had been rummaging around in my head and didn’t do a very good job of cleaning up.

I was at the bar...

More of a pub, really...

Dutchy was there...

He was singing a song, one of those classics Dad always liked...

Now, John at the bar is a friend of mine...

Lana was there, too...

She was sucking some guys dick in the mens room...

She thought I didn’t notice her sneaking away...

I always do...

Then, I saw the girl with the red eyes...

Probably contacts...

I was working the bar and she didn’t order a drink...

She ordered me...

Two can play at that game, Lana...

As I led her up to my room, I saw Dutchy being dragged away as well...

By some black-haired beauty in a leather singlet...

He always was into some pretty kinky shit...

Speaking of kinky shit, I think my new girlfriend has a forked tongue...

She hurls me onto Dutchy’s bed...

She’s no longer giving me bedroom eyes, her eyes are instead full of...

OWOWOWOWOWHOLYFUCKICANFEELMYFUCKINGMINDTEARING

. . .

Suddenly John clutched at his head and began grunting loudly. His chair scooted backward as his legs kicked involuntarily. His eyes shot open and there was an ancient, dark light in them. His grunts became words:

“Red eyes, dreaded lies, red balloons in sulfur skies,” He growled. Twilight quickly pulled out a quill and notepad, scrawling everything he was saying. Other than that, everyone at the table was too shocked to move.

“A cosmic clown, the chaos crown, he turned this world upside down.” He coughed wetly before continuing, his hands curled into claws.

“But, he’s not done, with his fun. Nay, his devilish tricks have just begun.” The claws that were his hands once again flew to his face.

“For his childish game, he’ll take the blame; The Chosen One cannot be tamed!” John flew into a coughing fit, grabbing a napkin and hacking into it. All of this had been rather quiet, his chair scooting back being the loudest part. Those in the restaurant who had noticed were pointedly ignoring him.

He continued his fit for a good minute before removing the napkin. It came away black and sticky. He took one look at it and said simply “Well, thats not good.”

Stuffing the stained napkin into a pocket, he continued as if nothing had happened. “Sorry, Sparky. I can’t... It’s not there anymore. All I remember is... AHHFUCK!” He clutched his head again. The next part came out as a whisper:

“Red eyes...” He winced “The goddamned bitch had red eyes...”

He let out a tense breath and steel entered his gaze. “Someones been fucking around in my head. And I intend to find out who.”

And then there was another awkward silence.

“Um...”

Spike broke it by turning to Twilight. “What just happened? Was that normal?”

The nurse jumped up, making flustered noises, and began taking the humans temperature, prying his jaws open to look down his throat, basically, everything but telling him to turn his head and cough. Over all this, John heard Twilights head hit the table with a soft thunk as she murmured, “He’s TOO weird. I’ll never understand him.”

. . .

The nugget of wisdom was out before I could stop it.

“My dad always said, ‘If you bite off more than you can chew, shove some in your cheek for later.” Fuck.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“If a problem is too big, take it a little bit at a time.” I replied numbly, having asked the same question eight years ago.

We’d completely forgotten our game, I was too distressed, she was too excited.

“What’s your family like?”

Don’t cry. Don’t cry, you fucking pussy. I answered her in a soft monotone. “I have a brother named Michael, he’s four years younger than me. Dutchy is like the big brother I never had, and his sisters might as well be my sisters, too.”

“What about your parents?” She asked it so nonchalantly, not knowing how sharply she was twisting the knife in my heart.

“My parents are dead. They were murdered five years ago.”

I hastily wiped a bit of moisture that had been gathering in my tear duct.

Red stopped checking my pulse. “Ohh, poor little guy.” She wrapped me in a tight hug.

“Red, please stop hugging me.” I shifted, trying to squirm out of her grip. Twilights eyes were sad, too.

“That’s horrible. What happened?” My hands clenched into fists on the edge of the table.

“Some cunthole fucking cultist... tried to make it look like a goddamn accident... Fuck it, I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. Ask me something else.” Like I said, I forgot whose turn it was.

“Um, what was that poem you were reciting earlier?” She seemed to be trying to change the subject.

Poem... “Poem?” I have no memory of this poem.

She gestured to a page of paper on the table. I slid it over and read it.

Red eyes, dreaded lies, red balloons in sulfur skies

A cosmic clown, the chaos crown, he turned this world upside down

But, he’s not done, with his fun. Nay, his devilish tricks have just begun

For his childish game, he’ll take the blame; the chosen one cannot be tamed

“When did I say all this?”

Band Name answered me. “You don’t remember? It was like, two minutes ago.”

Red shuddered in her embrace, nuzzling my shoulder. “I thought you were having a seizure... and then you started coughing...”

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the stained napkin, studying the strange black fluid. It smelled... disgusting. A bitter, oily scent that made me immediately think THIS STUFF IS BAD AND WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BAD.

“So, I wake up in the magical land of talking ponies, get accused of sexual assault and get a concussion, I can’t remember anything from last night, and if I try to, I get a migraine and start speaking in rhyme. Then I start coughing up black shit and forget what I said. According to the poem, there’s someone with red eyes who tells lies, fucked the world up, and is now trying to screw with me. And of course, the chosen one gets involved at some point.“

Spark was mumbling under her breath. “Red eyes... dreaded lies... chaos crown... If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that sounded like Discord. But he was turned back into stone a couple weeks ago.”

“I don’t know who that is, but I’m assuming they’re a cocksqueeze.” I noticed the waiter approaching with our food. “Bottom line, shit’s fucked, and it’s not entirely my fault.”

Author's Note

I am EXTREMELY sorry about the wait, guys. My computer got fucked up and not only did I lose all my progress on all of my fics, but I couldn't access any of my writing software. I switched to Google docs, and got my comp fixed, so now here we are. In addition, I made a few minor edits to previous chapters, so I might recommend a reread. Nothing major changed, but I fixed a few grammar errors and changed a few details that might have come back to haunt me. So, enjoy.

...And Then I Promptly Fled

The meal really wasn’t that bad. My cheese curds tasted kinda weird, but I guess I’d get used to it. Would I have to get used to it?

How long am I gonna be here?

Whatever. Might as well have fun while I am.

...

Oh, shit, Red’s choking.

“Oh, no you don’t, I owe you money.” I stood and moved behind her chair, placing a fist under her diaphragm, and my other hand over that. I heaved her upward and Red made a strangled noise.

“John, what are you doing?!? You’re hurting her!” Twilight stood as well and her horn started glowing. It fizzled out and her eyes widened.

“Come on, Red, don’t be that way. If you die, I’ll feel bad.” I gave another heave and finally, the half-chewed cherry tomato rolled lazily out of her mouth and back onto her plate. She coughed once and took a big gulp of her water. I ran a hand through my hair and a smile came to my face.

“Whoo, Jesus. You had me worried, sister. Next time you want to swallow something, chew it first.” Red seemed to recover, and before I knew it, she had her hooves around my neck and was peppering my face with kisses.

“Oh, John! You saved my life!” She managed to say in between pecks.

“It’s... It’s fine, really... No big deal... Seriously, cut it out.” I gently pushed her away. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”

It was only then that I noticed something was wrong with Twilight. She was just staring at me, mouth open, eyes wide.

“Um... Twi? You okay?” She snapped out of it, shaking her head.

“What are you?” She said in a whisper.

“I’m a human, Twilight. We’ve discussed this.” I knelt down and looked into her eyes, checking for dilation. “Are you okay?”

Suddenly, her horn glowed and she fired a bolt of magic directly into my face, blinding me. I blinked a few times to adjust and when I could see again, I noticed Twilight’s eyebrows were furrowed and she had a manic gleam in her eye.

“What are you?” She repeated, louder this time. Her eyes began to glow white and she fired another, stronger blast. Again, all I felt was a light puff of air, though now I heard a distinct crackling noise, like a drop of water flicked onto a hot pan.

I looked behind me and saw a comically John-shaped outline charred onto the hedges that made up the walls of the open-air restaurant. Great, now we’re causing collateral damage. I’m not paying for that. Twilight began charging another spell, her horn throwing off sparks.

“WHAT ARE YOU!?!” She screamed. If she lets that loose, she’ll blow the whole place apart! I needed to do something.

On instinct, I reached out and wrapped my hand around her stubby little horn. The charged magic dissipated at my touch and Twilight gasped.

“Sparky? Calm. The fuck. Down.”

“John...L-let go of my... Hah-horn!”

“Fine, but only if you calm down, and quit trying to kill me. Not only is it not working, but its annoying.” I stopped cupping her horn and noticed that her face was flushed. I disregarded this and continued. “Now, take a deep breath and tell me what’s the matter.”

She did exactly that; “John... You’re... I don’t know how, but somehow, none of the spells I’ve been casting on you have been working. At first I thought it was my fault, but now I’m thinking... John, I think magic might not work on you.”

To this startling revelation, I responded by waving my hands halfheartedly and going, “Ooooh.”

Red, whose face was also slightly red, turned to me. “John, you don’t understand, but this is a big thing. Magic isn’t something you can just NOT be affected by. It’s like...”

“Gravity?” I guessed.

“Exactly! It’s a universal force, like gravity.”

“It makes sense Twilight would be upset, considering you just basically defied one of the Laws of Magic. That doesn’t give you the right to touch her like that, though.” Spike looked a little perturbed, to be honest.

“I don’t know why everyone’s so embarrassed, I just grabbed her horn. It’s not like its an erogenous zone or something.” I mean, that’d be ridiculous. “Right?”

Their silence was the only answer I needed.

“Uhm... Sorry, Sparks. I didn’t know.” The question is, did I just do the equivalent of grabbing her tits or grabbing her dick? Nevermind, I’d rather not think about it.

Apparently all of this had caused quite a commotion, because our waiter decided to hassle us again. I didn’t notice him until I felt him tugging on the hem of my pants leg.

“Is there a problem, Garcon? Because I’m kind of busy.”

“Monsieur, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to pay for your meal and leave.”

“Why.” It wasn’t a question, but a prompt.

“I think you know why, sir. You’ve done nothing but disturb the other patrons since you arrived here. The ponies came here to enjoy good food, not be bothered by... you.” Twilight and Red tried to interrupt, but I held up a hand to stop them.

“Really? Well, maybe it’s not the patrons who are disturbed, but you, friend. I’d like to speak to the manager, your xenophobic behaviour has offended me, and were I not currently on a fine outing with two upstanding ladies, I would challenge you to a duel.”

The waiter looked taken aback, for a moment, but apparently decided it would be easier to let the manager deal with me. He went into the kitchen and soon returned with a green unicorn stallion in a brown vest and fedora. His ass-tat appeared to be a bowl of mashed potatoes.

“What seems to be the matter, Maitre Dee?” He asked in a pleasant Irish brogue as he looked me over with a raised eyebrow. I crossed my arms as Dee explained.

“Ever since this creature got here, he’s been causing a commotion and distracting our other patrons from their food. In addition, he seems to have damaged the floors and hedges. several of our customers complained of him acting lewdly to Miss Sparkle, so I asked him to leave and he was quite rude to me.”

“In my own defense, the floors and hedge were not my fault.”

The green pony looked from me to Dee and back again. He cantered over to the mark on the floor and rubbed it with a hoof. “Ah, nuttin’ but a little soot, is all. I’ll have Bussy clean it up later. As for the hedges, they needed trimmin’ anyways, so no harm done.”

“But-But Cole! He was fondling Miss Sparkle right in the middle of the restaurant!”

“So what? What’s a little rub on the horn once in awhile between friends? Oy know for a fact what you and Bussy do in the storeroom after ya close up.”

“But... Hey!”

“You need to loosen up, Maitre. I swear, your flank is so tight that if you farted, only diamond dogs would be able to hear it.” He turned to me and offered a hoof, which I gratuitously shook. “Colcannon’s the name, but me friends call me Cole. Yeh’ll have ta forgive Maitre Dee. He’s a Canterlot boy, bit too big on fancy ‘etiquette’ and a bit too small on fun, but he’s a darn fine waiter.”

“John Salem. Nice to meet you, Cole. You run a nice establishment here.”

“Yes, Oy’m mighty proud of ‘er. Tell ya what, if yer a drinkin man, stop by later tonight and ya might like ‘er even better.”

Alcohol? “I just might do that, Cole.”

“Well, if that’s it, then Oy won’t keep yeh any longer. Dee, yeh can take yer break, now, if yeh want.” And with that, he disappeared back into the kitchen.

Dee sighed. “Cole is right, I do need to loosen up. I keep forgetting that I came to this small town to relax. For what it’s worth, Mr. Salem, I apologise.” Then he left, too.

“Well, that worked out nicely.” I reached into my wallet and pulled out a twenty and a few dollars tip, before I noticed Twilight and Red using what appeared to be gold coins. “Aw, shit, I just realized none of my money’s going to work here!”

“Is that what that green paper is? Human money?” Twilight seemed a little too excited over something as mundane as a twenty-dollar bill. “How does you banking system work?”

“Probably the same as yours, considering. I’ll tell you all about it later, but right now I have to worry about the meal I just ate that I can’t pay for.” A problem that was quickly solved when Red pulled out a few more coins and set them on the table. “Thanks, Red.”

“It’s the least I can do, considering you saved my life. Or did you forget?” Honestly, in all of the commotion, I had.

“Like I said, it was no big deal. And you can’t tell me that ponies never invented the Heimlich Maneuver.” Again, their silence was the only answer I needed.

“Well, that’s just plain unsafe. How do you save somebody who’s choking?”

Twilight answered me, of course. “Generally, there’s a unicorn around who can remove the blockage. Sometimes this can be difficult, though, as telekinesis is mainly sight-based.”

“Interesting, and not entirely irrelevant.” I checked my watch, which, despite this being an entirely new world, still appeared to be on time. “However, it’s almost noon now, so...”

“Noon!? Spike! We still have to pick up the cupcakes at Sugarcube Corner!” And then the mare known as Twilight galloped out the door, a little purple lizard literally on her tail.

Red glanced at my watch, then gave me a disapproving look. “It’s only half-past eleven.”

“What can I say? I wanted to get rid of her before she started blasting again.”

. . .

“C’mon, Spike, if we don’t pick up the cupcakes on time, the Cakes might give them to another customer, and then we’ll have to wait for another batch, and then we’ll be late for the picnic, and then-”

“Uh, Twilight?” Spike interrupted, looking at the clock tower. “You do realize it’s only, like, eleven-thirty? John needs to reset his watch.”

Twilight was relieved beyond words. “Oh, thank Celestia! Who knows what would have happened if we’d been late! Do you still have the list?”

Spike once again pulled out the impossibly long checklist. “Yeah.”

Twilight started walking again, though at a more leisurely pace. “Alright. How are we doing, Spike?”

“Let’s see... We’ve already dropped off your cape at the cleaners, returned the blackboard you borrowed from Cheerilee, ordered new parchment and quills from the stationary shop-”

“Hmm. We just placed an order for those a few days ago.”

Spike looked back at the trail of paper behind them. “I can’t imagine why we go through so many of them.”

“Sounds like we’re ahead of schedule! What’s next?”

Spike checked the list again. “Cupcakes!”

“Oh, yeah! How could I have forgotten?”

. . .

“You know what, Red? I’m in a really fuckin’ good mood.” The prospect of alcohol combined with the fact that my hangover was all but gone had me walking on sunshine. We were just walking down the street, enjoying said sunshine. My unfriendly appearance seemed to keep curious souls away, and according to Twilight, I really wasn’t the strangest thing to happen to Ponyville.

“Well, that’s wonderful, John.”

“Red, this is gonna sound weird, but I actually feel a little lighter. As in, like, weight.”

“But you just ate!”

“I know, that’s why it sounded weird. Come to think about it, it felt like this ever since I woke up this morning. I think Equestria might have lower gravity than Earth.”

“Equestria is the country, John. The planet is called Eden.”

“Good to know. Maybe I’ll-” I was interrupted by a loud crashing in a nearby shop and a piercing cry. I acted on instinct.

“John! Where are you going?”

“Damsel in distress!” I called over my shoulder. Wasting no time, I ran in the general direction of the source of the noise and made it to the door of the building in record time. The screech once again pierced the air.

“Horrible, HORRIBLE!”

With a cry of “Hoowah!” I nearly kicked the door off its hinges. I was about to draw my gun when I realised I didn’t carry one anymore. Damn, that would’ve looked cool as shit. I settled for scanning the room and calling out, “Is everything all right?”

“No! I need help right this instant!” Well, at least she’s direct.

The place looked like a mess. There was fabric and ribbons strewn everywhere.

I looked around a pile of fabric to see a little white unicorn laying on a red sofa, looking faint. Her ass-tat was three gemstones and she seemed vaguely familiar

“You alright?

“HOLY MOTHER OF-” She fell off her couch and onto the floor at the sight of me.

“Easy there, Drama Queen, I’m here to help. What’s the problem?”

Though she seemed taken aback, whatever her dilemma was seemed more important. “Well, I should think that would be obvious. Look at the state of this place!”

That’s it? “Is that it?”

“What do you mean, ‘That’s it?’ If somepony walks in and sees the state of this place, imagine what they’ll think of me! My reputation would be ruined!”

“...I think I’m gonna leave now.”

“Wait! You can’t expect a dainty little filly like me to clean this whole boutique all by myself, can you?” She fluttered her eyelashes at me.

“...”

“I’ll make it worth your while.”

“Fine, but only ‘cause I’m a nice guy.” I picked up a roll of fabric.

. . .

“That should be fine, John. Can’t let it get too clean. Thank you for being so helpful.” There was still a few items scattered about, but it was way better than before. Not that Rare had been any help. As soon as Red caught up with me, they just set themselves up on the couch and gossiped while I cleaned the place.

“Well, if that’s really it, then I’ll get going.”

“Oh, nonsense. Come have some tea with us!” Red and Rare seemed to be pretty good friends, considering. Go figure. Red had explained my whole backstory and everything to her, and judging by the enthusiasm she was receiving the information, it would be all over the village by sundown.

“I really should get going. New world to explore, and all that.” The pair of mares gave me one look and I changed my mind. “Fine, but only for a few minutes.”

I’d barely pulled up a chair when Rarity slid a pile of gold coins across the table to me. “For your trouble.” She explained with a wink. I scooped them up and tucked them in one of my many pockets, nodding.

“So, tell me, John, how are you liking Eden so far?”

“It’s definitely different. It’s like... Every time I see something that reminds me of home, something else happens to remind me I’m not there.” They seemed a little disappointed by my answer. To my own surprise, I felt the need to make them feel better.

“But it’s definitely not the worst place I’ve ever been. I got off to a rocky start, but I can’t help but think my stay here will be a pleasant one.”

“Well, that’s good to hear.”

. . .

“See ya, Rare!”

“Goodbye, Rarity! Thank you for the tea!”

The mare Rarity waved to us from the steps of her shop. I couldn’t help but smile, having just met yet another person whose presence I could stand. Maybe being here wouldn’t TOTALLY suck ass. I noticed Twilight trotting down the street, toward us. I quickly dragged Red in the opposite direction, hoping she hadn’t noticed me.

I can practically hear all of those butthurt... brownies? Bronies? I think that’s it. I can practically hear all those bronies yelling at me for being ungrateful, but you know what? I never asked for this shit. Being transported into a magical land of ponies might be some basement dweller’s wet dream, but not me.

This beautiful, perfect world doesn’t need a stain like me on it. I’ll just end up hurting people. Ponies. Whatever-the-fuck.

I need to get out of here. I need to leave.

And before I do that, I need a place to hide.

“John? Is something wrong? What do you mean, ‘You need to leave’? You just got here!”

Had I said that out loud? “I mean... I just... All these people staring at me is making me nervous.” I lied quickly. In reality, the townspeople seemed to be pointedly ignoring me, just like in the restaurant, but Red immediately sprang into action.

“I’ll... I’ll take you to the park! We can relax there! Nopony will stare at you there!”

“Sure, I don’t care.” But she had already wrapped her little pink tail around my hand and was dragging me down the road.

. . .

The park was nice. Too nice.

Too perfect.

I don’t belong here.

The grass beneath my butt as we sat on the side of a hill was lush, green, and beautiful. There weren't any candy wrappers or beer cans strewn about. There weren't even any sidewalks or dirt paths. What they thought of as a park, was actually just a green, slightly hilly field with a couple of young ponies playing with a ball.

As I said, Red and I were sitting on a hill overlooking the small valley that reminded me of the field behind the playground at my elementary school. I’d had my first kiss there. Except rather than a plateau of wood chips and too-easy-to-fall-off-of equipment, there was a small forest behind us, providing shade.

Everything seemed so familiar, but yet so different. It was tearing me apart.

“John.”

“...Yeah?

“I don’t think you’re upset because ponies were staring at you.”

I worked up the courage to look Red in the eyes. She could read me like a book. Just like Mom could. I turned away, biting the tears back again. God, I missed them so much.

I wish Mike was here. He was always the mature one. When Mom and Dad died, I became his legal guardian, but he was always the one taking care of me.

“I’m sorry, Red. It’s just... so much. I’d explain, but I don’t think you’d be able to help even if I did.” I concealed wiping away my not-quite-tears by reaching into my jacket for another cigarette, my second in Equestria so far. This fucking world is making me feel like a fucking pussy.

As I lit it up, I felt Red pat me on the shoulder. “I think I know what’s wrong. Every day, I see ponies come into the emergency room, see what they've been through, and I wonder; ‘What did they do to deserve this?’ But, in the end, those ponies have the strength to push on, and everything works out.”

With a gentle hoof, she turned me to face her. “John, I know you never wanted to be here. But as long as you are, I promise to do everything I can to make sure you’re happy.”

I gave a small smile. Simply knowing that someone here cared was something I hadn't been expecting. It was nice. Back on Earth, true friends were few and far between, and getting harder to find every day. For someone to accept me so quickly was an alien concept to me.

So imagine my astonishment when Red leaned forward slightly and kissed me on the lips. My jaw dropped, which she mistook as an invitation to stick her tongue in my mouth. Now, I don’t know a lot about pony culture yet, but I’d seen several ponies kissing in town, and unless I’m sorely mistaken, it was not a between-friends thing.

And besides, I have a girlfriend. A cheating whore of a girlfriend, but still a girlfriend. Facebook says so.

After a few seconds, (That were likely long for her in a good way, but were definitely long for me in a bad way) she broke the kiss, giving me the purest, most innocent smile in this world or the previous one. I saw a convenient distraction in my peripheral vision. I pointed to it.

“What the hell is that?”

And then I promptly fled.

. . .

John, I know you never wanted to be here. But as long as you are, I promise to do everything I can to make sure you’re happy.

Redheart felt true sympathy for this creature. However, those generous words were followed by one of the most selfish acts she would ever perform in her pony life. And the most courageous.

She kissed the terrifying, two-legged meat-eater on the mouth. His saliva had a bitter, ashy taste to it, and when his mouth opened slightly to let her in, she felt his soft little tongue, his pointy but not quite sharp teeth, the ridged roof of his gums.

At the time, she felt this was what was the best course of action. He was lost, alone, and confused. He needed a friend, he needed to know that someone here accepted him for what he was. The action was born purely of compassionate instinct.

When the kiss was broken, however, she was proven wrong. The look on his face was an almost indescribable mixture of surprise, anger, panic, and fear. His eyes flickered and he pointed across the valley.

“What the hell is that?” An instinctive reaction, she glanced at the horizon, where a large rainbow mushroom cloud could be witnessed. She turned back, only to find John no longer there. The only trace of him was a still-glowing cigarette butt and a distant crashing in the woods.

Realizing the greatness of her mistake, Nurse Redheart reached out feebly toward John before collapsing to the ground in a sobbing heap.

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

~~2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.~~

3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.

4: Thou shalt not ask questions.

5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!

Author's Note

He broke the rules! Ponies are gonna be mad!

...And It's Getting Really Hard to Come Up With Chapter Names

Heart: My Soul, what have you done?

Brain: I... I don’t know. I didn’t know what to do... so I had us run.

Dick: You did the right thing, Brain.

Mouth: I’m taking Heart’s side with this one. There’s nothing wrong with a little kiss. Dutchy was always kissing us, and there wasn’t anything wrong with that. Not every sign of affection has to be sexual, Dick.

Dick: Ugh, don’t remind me. Besides, it’s my job to be gutter-minded, I’m the dick.

Heart: Never mind that. The point is, that was an asshole move, and something needs to be done about it. Go back.

Brain: No. To go back now would be even worse. We all need some time. I’ll just keep wandering around in the woods until we feel better.

Heart: Fine. But there will be words with that filly sooner or later.

. . .

What is wrong with me?

“WHY DO I HAVE TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP!?!” I screamed to the forest, punching a tree. The foot-thick pine rattled and needles rained down on me as I felt the jarring, cold pain of my knuckles splitting open.

I punched it again, leaving red spots in the bark. No matter what I do, or where I am, the only thing I can do right is hurt people.

What appeared to be a cross between a lion, a bat, and a scorpion, apparently drawn by my emotional turmoil, appeared out of the underbrush near me.

“And just what the hell do YOU want?”

The creature growled threateningly at me.

“Yeah, well. Look me in the eyes, motherfucker. Either put that stinger in my neck where it belongs, or fuck right off. I’m not in the fucking mood to fuck around right now.”

To my own surprise, the creature whimpered and backed away. I pondered this for a few seconds. It’s likely the creature is not actually afraid of me... but instead afraid of... something much bigger.

I turned around, only to find a pair of blood-red eyes inches from mine. Giving it a quick look-over, the monster appeared to be a massive snake, almost as thick as my waist and long enough for its tail to reach all the way across the clearing and scorching the shrubs thirty feet away. It’s red eyes sent a chill down my spine, and a golden crest flipped up on its head as a menacing growl bubbled out from between its blackened lips. With a sudden revelation, I realised this guy exactly matched the description of a basilisk, the king serpent of old. It all made sense now, if Unicorns and Pegasi exist here, why shouldn’t other mythical creatures?

I’ve always been sort of an animal whisperer. I can tell what a lesser creature wants or needs by the way it moves and breathes. And I could tell that, unlike the scorpion-lion-thing, the basilisks growl wasn’t a ‘Get out of my territory’ growl, but instead an ‘I’m gonna eat you alive and digest you slowly’ growl. As the creature reared back to strike, my hand darted forward and grabbed the dangly red things under its chin.

“Oh, Honey, you picked the wrong day to piss me off. Squeal for me.”

One Needlessly Violent Murder Later...

The basilisk now lay twitching on the ground, an unnatural crink in its neck and a yellow fluid that I assumed to be its blood flowing unbidden from its mouth. I pulled out my Aves and put them on.

“Cock-a-doodle-doo, Motherfucker.”

Y’know... cuz a rooster’s crow is one of the only things that can kill a basilisk... Yeah, Mike made me play too many fantasy RPGs. Though the knowledge may come in handy now that I’m stuck in a fantasy world, of sorts.

It’s too bad Mike can’t be here, he’d probably love it. He’d also probably know how to get us both home. He was always the smart one.

Oh, Mike. I wish you were here.

I sat down on a nearby log and lit a cigarette to replace the one I’d left behind in my hasty retreat. For the first time in years, a tear rolled down my cheek. The creature I now recognised as a greek Manticore approached and touched my hand with its nose. On impulse, I reached up and pet its mane, and what do ya know, it started purring like a housecat. “Yeah, you just act tough, Fluffy. I actually am.”

“Indeed.” With a start, I looked up towards my most recent kill. My new manticore friend backed away and hissed at the newcomer.

I thought I was hallucinating. A creature who appeared to be an amalgam of other creatures, like if some psychopath had cut apart a petting zoo and glued it back together wrong.

It had a long thin body of a snake and a matching pit viper head. It stood upright, a tiny claw on its hip. All of its limbs were scaly and reptilian, though I could tell one of its pseudo-hands was a chameleon grasper, the other a gecko’s paw, and its legs were both didactyl raptor feet. The whole thing was a little less than two feet tall.

“Who the hell are you? Or, more appropriately, what the hell are you?”

“As for who I am, my name is unimportant. As for what, I’m the same as you: A kindred spirit. We share a goal, Human.” It’s voice was smooth and comforting, like silken sheets.

“Human. You know what I am. Without me telling you.”

“Of course I do. Our people were once allies, though it has been too long since I’ve seen one in the flesh.” It jumped off the dead basilisk and slunk to the center of the clearing. “Last I heard, the Solar Queen was organising your fellows into concentration camps.”

“I wouldn’t know anything about that. I just got here.”

“Yes, you did, and I’m sure you’re scared and confused, but don’t worry, we’ll get through this together, won’t we?”

“Ugh, you sound like Red. Unless you can get me home, or even a stiff drink, I’ve got nothing to say to you.” I stood and turned to leave. Frankly, I got the weird feeling he was bullshitting me. Solar Queen? Concentration camps? Ooh, I’m so scared. I deal with shit like that on my way to real problems. Like where my underwear are.

“Actually, I might be able to help you on the former. I have powerful friends in powerful places. They might do a favor for a favor, if you catch my meaning.”

This caught my attention. “What kind of favor?”

“My friends require certain... items... of importance. Items that would best be retrieved by you.”

“Didn’t your Ma ever tell you stealing is wrong?”

“To be fair, they were taken from us first.” Ah, so my new serpentine acquaintance has a stake in this, as well. Don’t commit to anything.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Ah, of course. No need to make a decision right away.” He held up a paw and began swaying it though the air. At the same time, his skin began to pulse with bright colors. The whole effect was so distracting I didn’t notice the thrashing in the underbrush to the right. I felt myself slipping away into those pretty colors...

“In fact, I suggest that you sleep on it.”

...and I’m gone.

. . .

A Few Minutes Earlier...

“La la la la la...” Fluttershy sang as she gathered flowers for her lunch. She’d finally managed to work the kink out of Mr. Bear’s back, and worked up quite the hunger while she was at it, and if she ate too much at the picnic later, her friends might think she was a pig, not that there was anything wrong with pigs, she was sure they were all wonderful, anyway, she didn’t want to eat too much at the picnic, hence the flowers.

Fluttershy’s mental insecurities aside, when Mr. Manticore roared in agony near the edge of the forest, she was so startled that she threw the entire basket into the air and hid behind the nearest stump. When the flower explosion cleared, she peeked out from behind the stump before berating her lion-like friend. “M-M-Mr. Manticore! P-P-P-please don’t scare me like that!”

Mr. Manticore mewled plaintively and tugged her tail. “It’s important?”

The manticore nodded and gestured to the forest. “Your friend is in danger?”

It nodded again and growled. Fluttershy raised an eyebrow. “You want to lick my what?”

The beast facepawed and growled louder. “Oh, I thought you said something completely different. In that case, there’s no time to lose!”

And so, the shy pink-maned pegasus pony and the massive melodramatic manticore fled into the Everfree Forest. A few minutes of thrashing about brought them to a clearing. Just as they broke through the underbrush, a bright flash blinded them both. Fluttershy’s vision cleared just in time to see a tall, two-legged creature toppled to the ground, cracking its head on a fallen log. Wasting no time, Mr. Manticore dashed to its side, using his horns to scoop the strange creature up onto his back. Fluttershy was a little distracted.

By the dead basilisk.

The manticore moved to her side, still carrying their rescuee. A tear ran down her cheek. “What happened?”

A tiny sound gurgled out of the greek monsters throat. “It attacked you and then this... creature saved you? It would have had to be really hungry to attack you.”

Mr. Manticore inclined his head and grumbled. “And then another weird creature appeared? And it reminded you of Discord? This is pretty serious...”

She seemed to notice the biped for the first time. He appeared to be fast asleep, but he was bleeding badly from various wounds on his head. Some of them were old, but the one on the back was new. The creature had a strange aura about him, almost... foreboding. But he was hurt, and it was Fluttershy’s job to help hurt animals.

She turned to the manticore. “We’ll take him to Zecora’s. It’s closer, and she might know what he is.”

She looked at the biped uncertainly, before picking up the pair of sunglasses on the ground. “Maybe.”

In response to this, the creature grunted and rolled in its sleep.

. . .

Fluttershy knocked on Zecora’s door with a hoof. Please be there, please be there. Zecora wasn’t the most reliable medicine mare, she was often out gathering ingredients, or so deep in meditation that she could completely ignore knocks on her door. Several times before, the yellow pegasus had simply left without a word rather than interrupt the zebra. But this was important.

There was an animal in danger.

The creature gurgled again. He was bleeding hard from his head, and his forelimbs had been scraped red and raw. It must have been some sort of circus animal, he was wearing a costume. He must have escaped into the Everfree forest and got lost. She’d heard of strange creatures being captured across the ocean and being brought to Equestria, but that was extremely illegal.

But it was no wonder he escaped, he must be very tough or very sneaky to survive in the Everfree forest for that long. Even fifteen minutes among the enchanted trees could be dangerous to those who aren’t careful.

After an agonizing wait, Zecora finally answered the door. “Ah, Fluttershy, what a surprise! Why is there such panic in your eyes?”

“Zecora! I found this poor thing out in the woods and I need a place to put him and also need to borrow some bandages because he’s bleeding!” Fluttershy blurted before she could stop herself. “Uhm...if that’s okay with you...”

“Of course, let me banish this unwanted guest, then we’ll allow your friend to rest.” She returned to the hut, and a few seconds later, a brown colt stumbled out, followed closely by the resident zebra. She shouted after him, “Now, I hope this little mess has been sorted, I am not some lovestruck mare to be courted!”

She gestured for Fluttershy to come inside, and the manticore followed. She was less panicked now that they were safe at Zecora’s. “Who was that?”

Zecora shook her head. “Just a smitten colt who bothers me to no end. But never mind that, let us see to your friend.” Mr. Manticore laid the animal on the floor and began snuffling at him worriedly.To the zebra’s and the pegasus’ surprise, the creature spoke.

“Mmm. Five more minutes, Payback.”

Zecora took a closer look at him, before jumping back and exclaiming, “Kidole Pepo!”

“What is it, Zecora?” Fluttershy peeked out from her sudden hiding place inside Zecora’s cauldron.

Zecora, in her distress and haste to convey the information, forgot the Zebrican tradition of rhyming when speaking other languages;

“A Kidole Pepo, a Fingered Demon. In the Time Before Peace, they came in the night and stole young zebra foals away and transformed them into monsters. But that’s not possible, they went extinct after the Time Of War. Where did you find him, Fluttershy?”

“He was just in the woods when Mr. Manticore led me to him. He fell down and hit his head on a log.” She gestured to his head wound, which was currently bleeding all over Zecora’s floor. His blood was a darker shade of red, and it didn’t have the rainbow sheen pony blood had. “Speaking of which, we should probably bandage that up. Mr. Manticore, could you hold his head for me, please?”

The manticore used his tail to prop the demon’s head up while Fluttershy used her mouth to wrap the borrowed linen bandages around it. Every time her snout brushed his face, he giggled in his sleep.

“Heh-heh. Quit it, Payback, that tickles.” He didn’t seem to be pained by his wounds at all.

When the pegasus was done tending to his wounds, she leaned him up and glomped him with her hooves. “How could he be a demon who kidnaps foals when he’s so cute?”

The zebra couldn't deny that the creature was appealing, with the funny, round ears and his golden tuft of hair, but it was just a ruse to lull one into a false sense of security, Zecora was sure of it. Since she was a foal, the elders of her village had told cautionary tales of zebras who wandered the Zavannah alone, how they would be taken away and turned into monsters, then returned to the village they came from, to haunt their friends and family. She shivered at the thought.

“Fluttershy, could you be a dear and not go so near? I’d suggest a healthy dose of fear, his murderous intentions are clear.” Zecora remembered the rhyming tradition as she noted the basilisk blood that was staining the creature’s garments. He had killed, likely to fuel his carnivorous rage. And to murder a basilisk was a nearly impossible feat. He was a demon and a monster.

“But wook at his widdow face!” She moved the demons jaw up and down to simulate speech. “Zecora! I ruv rou! Prease take care ruv me until I wake up?”

Zecora was slightly disgusted at this display, and slightly confused at Fluttershy’s suggestion. “What?”

Fluttershy explained, “Zecora, I have a picnic to attend soon, and I can’t bring this ‘demon’ with me. He’s too heavy, and he’s asleep. Also, since you know so much about him, it only makes sense for you to keep an eye on him. You know, if you’re not doing anything...”

“No, absolutely not! The demon shall not stay in my hut!”

“I’ll give you five bits.”

“If you make it ten, you can count me in.”

And so it was settled. Until both mares noticed the demon was awake. Their eyes widened as it leaned up and looked first at Zecora, then at Fluttershy. Then it spoke in a thick growl that made their coats stand on end:

“Did you just sell my ass for chump change?”

Author's Note

"Hey, you know those two characters you have trouble writing for?"

"Yeah, Fluttershy and Zecora."

"Why don't we put in a really long dialogue section between them?"

"That's possibly the worst-"

"Too late."

...And The Bartender Says, "Hey Buddy, Why The Long Face?"

“The Bannered Mare. References within references. Whoever’s writing this stupid fanfiction needs to stop with the pop culture and come up with some original material.” I punctuated this sentence by punching myself hard in the gut. After I caught my breath, I corrected myself. “I mean, ‘I find the popular culture references to be witty and entertaining!’”

. . .

I decided against any further fourth-wall-breaking. All it would bring me is pain and insanity, whereas the least I could do to whoever’s writing this is make his readers lose their immersion.

Anyway, the bar was called ‘The Bannered Mare’ according to the sign above the door, which depicted what I could only assume was an attractive female pony giving bedroom eyes and covering up her naughty parts with a flag. I don’t get it. Why would it be considered lewd to cover up what’s already hanging out most of the time?

I looked over the pub again. It was the restaurant from this morning except, the sign was different, there were colored lights and a bouncer out front glaring at a long line of ponies. I had barely glanced at him when he caught my attention and waved me over. I waded through the small sea of quadrupeds, earning a share of dirty looks, which I ignored.

“Are you...” The burly black stallion checked his clipboard. “‘John the Human’?”

“I’m a human, and my name’s John, so, yeah.”

“You’re a VIP guest of the co-owner. Go ahead in.” He set the clipboard down and waved another guest over. I did as he said and went ahead in.

The doors swung open like a classic spaghetti saloon. The raucous bar patrons quieted down upon noticing me, until you could’ve heard a fly shit himself. The DJ stopped spinning with loud scratch of vinyl, all of the ponies on the dance floor stopped dancing, the ones at the bar stopped drinking, and I’m sure the ones in the bathroom stopped pissing.

I tried to play it cool. I adjusted my jacket and walked calmly to the bar, my footsteps echoing like thunderclaps. I sat in one of the stools, which only came to my knee. The bartender, a green stallion with an eyepatch and a bottle of booze for a cutie mark, stopped polishing a glass and cantered over to me. He leaned a hoof on the bar and spoke to me in a rough Scottish accent.

“So, yew must be that tew-legged lad that me brother was talkin’ aboot. Ah heard you got a wee bit more’ah Twilight then ye could handle?”

I chuckled. “You did, huh? Been here less than a day and I’ve already got chicks practically throwing themselves at me. Too bad they all have more legs than eyes.”

He laughed a deep belly laugh. The kind that makes everyone in the room instantly relax. I was kinda just relieved that he didn’t get offended at my eye comment.

“Ahahahahaha! Well, I’d gladly trade places with yeh, boyo. She’s a right bonnie that one. Shame she’s such a scunner, or I’d have at that wif two shakes o’ me tail.” He chuckled again as he shook his head. “So, ‘John’, what’re ye after? Feelin’ drouthy?”

Finally. “A little. Tell ya what: Surprise me.”

He smiled, revealing slightly rotted teeth. “That’s what I like ta hear.” He pulled out several bottles and a cocktail mixer.

“Well, that’s what I like to see.” I smiled, too, revealing my perfectly white smile. He mixed a few promising liquids together as the bar began to regain the ruckus it had before. None of the patrons approached me, but they stopped glaring at me, so I guess it could be worse.

He poured an oddly bright-colored drink from the mixer. He added an umbrella and pushed the tall glass towards me.

“It’s green.” I observed.

“And all the rest of the colors, too. It’s called a Tonic Rainboom, boyo.” As he said this, the drink began changing from green to blue, then blue to purple, purple to red, red to yellow, then back again.

“Well ain’t that interesting.” I took a sip and smacked my lips twice, searching for the familiar bite of alcohol. It tasted delicious, like exotic fruit, but I didn’t come here for taste. I came to get drunk. “There’s no booze in it, though.”

“Booze?” I felt the cold spike that preceded disappointment pierce my heart.

“Y’know... Alcohol. What kind of bar is this?”

“Alcohol is for disinfectin’ wounds, boyo, not fer drinkin’. I don’t know what kind of bars they have where yew come from, but we don’t serve medical supplies here.” The confusion on his face made my heart sink.

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

~~2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.~~

3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.

4: Thou shalt not ask questions.

5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!

I pulled out my flask before slamming half of the drink quickly. I poured the contents of my flask into the glass until it roughly reached the top, then used the umbrella to stir it. The barkeep watched as I took another sip and savored the burn of the two-twenty-proof vodka as it went straight up my sinuses. I’d gotten a case of it as a birthday present from Dutchy two years ago. He special ordered it from a friend of his in Russia because it was the only thing that could even hope to get him drunk. He must have a liver made of steel or something.

My head twitched slightly as the heavy liqueur clashed with the fruitiness of the drink. “That’s better.”

“That’s alcohol? And you’re drinkin’ it?” The bartender looked more curious than anything else. “Gie’s a shot, then, lad!”

“Have at ‘er, my man.” He picked up the glass and took a tentative swig. He shuddered so hard he almost dropped the glass.

“Ho, that’s a right scunner, that is! You got some peaches, sonny.”

“I guess it’s an aquired taste.” I shrugged and took another swig. He nearly fell over laughing.

“Ya know what, John? I like you. M’ names Single Malt, but me mates call me Scotch.” He stuck out his hoof, which I shook. I was still a little bummed that they didn’t serve alcohol, but that wasn’t his fault.

It was this fucking worlds fault.

None of the other ponies would talk to me, so I pretty much just talked to Scotch the whole time. Every few minutes he’d dash away to serve drinks, but in between he told me about how him and his two half-brothers owned the place jointly.

“Cole wanted ta run a family resturant, and I wanted ta run a bar and grill. Hunter didn’t want to be tied down ta either, so he suggested we split it. So, now I run the bar at night, Cole runs it during the day, and Hunter handles the funds, advertising, and such.”

“Cool. Like a time share, except you’re making money instead of losing it.”

. . .

Alcohol: (Enters and gives Mouth a hug.) Well, ain’t you a sight for sore ethyl! Soul, it feels like its been forever since I last saw you guys!

Brain: It’s been like... less than a day.

Mouth: (Motions to Brains seat.) Well, make yourself comfortable, buddy. We’ve got a long night ahead of us.

Brain: Hey, that’s my chair!

. . .

“Alright guys, ten o’ clock! You know what that means!” The DJ, Disco Ball, announced, prompting the crowd to cheer in response.

I leaned over and whispered to Scotch, “What happens at ten?”

“Every Saturday and Sunday, DB picks somepony from the crowd to sing a song. It’s actually pretty popular. Normally he goes for ponies who haven’t been or before, but he’ll pretty much pick anypony who catches his eye.”

The DJ pulled out a list. “Let’s see... Do we have a ‘John the Human’ in the crowd tonight?”

Shit.

. . .

Alcohol: Sounds fun! Let’s do it!

Mouth: Al, we suck at singing. Like, really bad.

Brain: For once, I agree with Mouth. We are physically incapable of engaging in this form of reverie. Let’s just order another drink and pretend we don’t exist.

Alcohol: You guys suck, I’m going for it!

. . .

“That’s me!” Well, now I’m fucked.

I stood up and weaved through the crowd toward the stage. Climbing up it in a single step, I stood before the crowd who less than an hour ago, had been in a similar silence as I walked in. I’m sure they all remembered me, though the silence was more curious than suspicious this time. Disco Ball played it cool.

“So, tell us a little bit about yourself, John the Human?” He used his telekinesis to levitate the mic to my mouth. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention he was a Unicorn.

“Just John, please.” I swallowed. I always get nervous on stage. “Well, where do I start? I’m a human, a creature not native to this planet. I have absolutely no idea how I got here.”

“So, you’re an alien, then? Like from the comic books?”

“Sure, I guess you could say that.”

“You’re not gonna take over Eden and enslave all ponykind, right? Cause that would kinda ruin my day.” He tried to make it sound like a joke, but I detected a note of genuine concern in his voice.

“Nah, I’m just gonna see if I can find a way home. But while I’m here, I might as well party with the ponies, right?” Scotch clapped and cheered and soon the rest of the crowd did, too. “Right?”

“So, what kinda music you have where you come from, John?”

“All kinds. Here’s a taste of what humans have to offer.” My vodka-addled mind seemed to have forgotten one teensy detail: My singing voice sounds almost exactly like a dying toad.

The reason my voice sounds like I’ve been smoking four times as long as I have is because; A few years ago, on my quest for vengeance, I recieved a small... injury... to my throat. I’ll get to the details later, but the point is, one of the bullets tore through half of my vocal cords, and the other grazed my spinal cord, causing massive nerve damage and nearly paralyzing me. Doctors say it was a miracle I survived. I don’t believe in miracles.

But, of course, I was half pissed up, and I wasn’t going to disappoint my new fans, was I?

“You don’t happen to have a guitar around, do you?

DB quickly fetched me a guitar and a stool. I spent a few seconds tuning it, and spoke into the mic again. “It’s been a while since I’ve done this, so sorry in advance.

“Now, this is a song of youth and love, in the genre of Rock-and-Roll, a classic back home. This is Bryan Adams’ ‘Summer of 69’”

I cleared my throat and began playing. Oh god, it’s gonna suck.

“I got my first real six-string,

Bought it at the Five-and-Dime.

Played it ‘til my fingers bled,

It was the summer of sixty-nine.”

. . .

Vinyl Scratch listened to the strange creature play his song. It was unlike any ponies voice. Like the crooning of a spring peeper, it brought back memories of growing up in this small town among these little ponies. The words of dreams and aspirations, combined with the creatures rough voice had her mind spinning. She found herself unconsciously thinking of what would happen if she put it through a mixer, maybe auto-tune...

No. She came here to relax, visit her family, not work. She glanced at her little brother up on stage nodding his head to the human’s music. He’d done her proud, adding in a drum kit and synth at the exact right moment. But even pride for her youngest sibling couldn’t keep her shaded ruby eyes off the alien creature for long.

Dang. He’s kinda cute.

Vinyl had always been contrarian by nature. She lived to go against the norm. What was less normal than an alien?

Wait... was she contemplating rutting an alien? She shrugged. I’ve bucked worse-looking things than that. She concluded, grinning.

Most ponies didn’t know, but Vinyl Scratch, aka DJ PON-3, was a nymphomaniac. And a master seductress. And tonight, she craved something out-of-this-world.

“Standin’ on your Mama’s porch,

You told me that you’d wait forever,

Oh, and when you held my hand,

I knew that it was now or never,

Those were the best days of my life.”

“Hey, Daisy, gimme a hoof up, will ya?”

. . .

Mouth: (On phone) Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Yes, I know... Well, take it down and try again, and tell Larynx I can’t hold his hand through every little thing. No... Fine, I’ll tell him. Yeah, thanks. (Hangs up phone, addresses Brain) Well, the guys down in Throat are doing the best they can, but theres only so much they can do with Larynx encased in a half an inch of scar tissue. Trachea’s trying to pick up the slack, but we can’t keep this up much longer. Oh, and Al?

Alcohol: Mmmmnyes?

Mouth: Epiglottis told me to tell you that you’re a dick.

Dick: Why does everyone use my name as an insult?

. . .

Luckily, my second random boner of the day was hidden in the fold of my pants.

Besides that, my throat was reminding me why I don’t sing. It feels like I’m trying to swallow a tennis ball.

The effort for one of my Dad’s old favorites was worth it, though. I’m more suited for Nickelback than Bryan Adams, anyway.

I haven’t played a guitar in years, but for some reason the crowd still cheered me on, like I was a real rock star. Cross that one off my bucket list, then.

One of the ponies actually stood on another's shoulders to get a better look at me. Her shades were what made her catch my eyes. She had a blue spiky mane and a white coat, I couldn’t tell what her... Okay, I’m sick of calling them Cutie Marks, I mean FUCK, before today, I wouldn’t have even thought of using the word ‘cutie’ let alone naming a fucking STAPLE OF MY SPECIES CULTURE AND BIOLOGY after it!

So from now on, I shall alternate between tramp stamp, ass-tat, and maybe anal emblem should the situation call for it.

Anyway, her anal emblem was not visible to me at the moment. She noticed me noticing her, and, in an obviously significant gesture, she lifted her tinted glasses, exposing her rose-red eyes.

Then she winked.

And I winked back.

“Standin’ on your Mama’s porch,

You told me that you’d wait forever,

Oh, and when you held my hand,

I knew that it was now or never,

Those were the best days of my life.

Oh, yeah!

Back in the summer of 69!”

I finished up the song and the crowd became quiet. Red-eyes got down from her friends shoulders, but my gaze followed her. She went to the corner of the bar and sat down. I’ve always considered myself to be a good reader of people, and I guess ponies are people, too, because everything in her pose said, Come and get me.

Well, I guess could politely explain that I’m not into ponies. Boner notwithstanding.

. . .

“Scotch! D'eux, s'il vous plaît!” I held up two fingers, and in response, two glasses of grape juice slid down the bar. Only in advanced stages of shitfacedness do I resort to French. I assume it’s a subconscious defense against saying embarrassing things while I’m soused. I picked up my glass and immediately downed half of it. “So, you called for my attention, Mademoiselle?”

“Hey, who’re you callin’ a Mademoiselle?” she said, feigning anger. I laughed. I like her already. She graciously took the grape juice as I mixed mine with vodka, despite my use of français telling me I’d had enough. “That was a pretty rockin’ jam there, sweet cheeks. You a musician?”

“Nah, I’m more of a John-of-all-trades.” I chuckled at my shitty joke. I was drunk, okay? “How about you?”

“Yeah, dude! I DJ at a lot of parties and stuff, but you can’t beat me behind a mixer!” She didn’t sound prideful, she sounded like she just got tickets to the coolest concert ever and I was invited. “Normally, I work up in Canterlot, but I’m visiting my fam. Small town pride, y’know?”

I did know, I grew up in one. I was about to regale her with tales of my escapades in the Central Wisconsin Village of Onawash (Pop. 562) when she looked over my shoulder and did the pony equivalent of cussing like a biker. “Ah, Mother-rutting haunch-sniffer!”

“What? Qu'est-ce qui se passe?” I turned around to see what she was looking at. I just saw a lot of ponies doing exactly what we were doing; having a drink and chatting. Oh, there he is.

A pink stallion with a broad chest was approaching us, grin on his face and flanked by two more stallions. “The guy with the ugly mug and a pair of his butt-buddies?”

“His names Lady Killer. His talent is supposedly seducing mares. I turned him down when I was visiting a few months ago, and now every time I come down, he keeps trying to get me in his bed. Big pain in the rump, if you ask me.”

“I’ll take care of him.” My stool scraped as I prepared to start a bar fight.

. . .

Balls: YEAH, KICKIN’ ASS AND MAKIN’ MESSES!

Brain: And where in Souls name have you been?

Balls: In the latrine, PUKING MY GUTS OUT because of all the FUCKING GODDAMN PINK in this COCKSUCK EXCUSE FOR A WORLD! ALSO, ALCOHOL, LONG TIME NO SEE!

Brain: Like I said earlier, less than a day. And you’d better keep your hormones in check-

Balls: (Interrupts) MOTHERFUCKER, I AM HORMONES!

. . .

I swear I just felt my balls drop, a good sign. “What’s crackin’, Lady? I heard you and your little rump-rangers were cruisin’ for a bruisin’.”

“What? My name is Killer, and who are you?” He gave me the up-down. “Oh, you. That was a pleasant... noise you created up there.”

Oh, he did not just insult ‘Summer of 69’.

“Yup, it was. Listen, Lady, I’m gonna level with you. The girl I was just talking to? You’re nothing to her. Run home and let real men get the girls all excited. And take your merry fudge packers with you.” I think I got him. His nostrils flared and he pawed the ground.

“You... You thing, how dare you speak to me like that!” And then, I shit you not, he yelled, “Get ‘im, boys!”

Lady charged me first. He reared up on his hind legs and shot a hoof at me. I quickly twined my arm around it and shifted my footing. Using that leverage and my superior weight, I launched his head at the bar. Hard. He collided with it in an explosion of teeth and weird rainbow pony blood. I let him go and he slid to the floor with a gurgle.

His little chode stroker friends just stared at me, jaws dropped.

“Boo.” God, I always wanted to do that. They spun simultaneously and tried to run, I caught them, a tail in each hand, “Oh, no you don’t, I’m gonna teach you a little lesson in the value of friendship.”

Yanking them backwards, I grabbed them both under their bellies, lifted them over my head, and did a double suplex through a table. I got up and dusted myself off. Then I checked out the mess behind me.

The solid oak table had snapped like balsa. I shrugged and turned to Scotch, who’d watched the whole thing with wide eyes. I clarified, “I’m not paying for that.”

“Only one rule concernin’ barfights in the Mare: Losers pay for damages.”

“Friggin’ dope. Shame they broke so much of your juice stock.” I winked.

“What... Oh!” He laughed, then shouted to the patrons, pointing at my victims. “Another round on these poor sods here!”

I chuckled as I got back to my date. “I don’t think he’ll be bothering you anymore.”

“Dude...you’re nuts!” She laughed like a loon, and in my drunken state, it was infectious. when we were done, I got the conversation back on track.

“So, you’re a DJ?”

“Yeah, like I said, high-end stuff, nobility, even royalty sometimes. But you gotta remember your roots, yeah?”

“Hell yeah. Heres to that.” We clinked our glasses and I downed a little more ill-advised alcohol. “I just realised I don’t even know your name!”

She wasn’t used to having to introduce herself. “Vinyl. Vinyl Scratch.”

“Now, who’s ready to PARTY?” Disco began spinning what was clearly a dance mix.

“Yeah, I own this beat,

You can call me the king or the ruler.

Felon on bass, getting hoarse at the mic!

We’re getting twenty percent cooler!”

I immediately began nodding to the beat. “This is, like... really catchy.”

Vinyl was getting really into it, swinging her tail and tapping her hooves. “YES, this is my favorite song! Wanna dance?”

. . .

Alcohol: Chill, Bros. We can totally dance.

Brain: Not with you around, we can’t.

. . .

Next thing I knew, Vinyl and I were out on the dance floor. Apparently, pony dancing is a lot less exciting than human dancing. They kinda just stood there and shuffled their hooves to the beat.

. . .

Alcohol: Aww, look at them, they’re so cute, it’s like they’re all shy or something. Alright, class is in session, watch and learn.

Brain: I do not approve of this.

. . .

Imagine a drunk, 6 foot, 9 inches, 400 pound white dude partying hard, lazers all around him, Vinyl Scratch across from him in awe, a small circle of quadrupeds cheering him on like he wasn’t drunk and white.

Imagine it, because that’s all the description you’re going to get.

However, the fast songs quickly ended and I actually felt the night become tender as Disco Ball put on a slow song. I asked Vinyl with my eyes if she still wanted to dance, and she nodded.

“I close my eyes and breathe again,

The minutes bend, as they turn into years.

My mind begins to drift away,

Don’t make me stay in here.”

. . .

Vinyl knew she’d have to pay Deeby back somehow. She’d been the one to nonverbally suggest the slow song to him while she and the human danced. Maybe take him to a concert... No, focus, Vinyl. It was obvious he couldn’t slow dance the way a pony would, so he leaned down and whispered in her ear, “So, how do you want to do this?”

She felt his hot breath on her neck, the musky, dry scent of his jacket. He was so close to her, and thanks to her little brother, they would be closer still.

“Any way you want.”

“Alright.” He held out his hand, and she put her hoof in it. He gestured to his shoulder. “Now put the other one here.”

She obliged and wrapped her hoof around his rock-like shoulder muscles. His hand stroked down her back and came to a rest on her rump. “Hold on,” he warned, then, to her surprise, he pressed her body to his and picked her up. Her hind legs swung beneath her and their faces were mere inches from each other.

His deep blue eyes met her rose-red ones as he did a modest two-step. His scent enticed her and calmed her.

What the hay was going on? She was supposed to be the one seducing him, not the other away around! She needed to get it together.

But she couldn’t deny the wetness between her legs, or the way her hooves trembled as they walked back to the bar when the song was over.

. . .

“So, anyway, that’s how the human reproductive system works. It’s definitely more complicated than it seems, hey?” It had seemed like an odd and specific request, but hey, I wasn’t embarrassed. Drunk as a skunk, but not embarrassed.

“Yes, fascinating...” She leaned forward until I could smell her breath, a tingly scent, like the air before a lightning strike. She whispered in a vixen’s voice, a siren’s song.

“In fact, I’d love to see a demonstration.”

“...”

“John?”

“Sorry, I spaced out for a second, there. What’d you say?”

“I said, I’d love to see a demonstration.”

I frowned and held up my index finger. I then held up my other hand, pointer touching thumb, forming an O. I moved my finger in and out of the O repeatedly.

“A real demonstration, John.”

“I don’t know how to illustrate it any clearer without showing you myself. And for that, would need a human female, of which there are none.” I shrugged.

“Oh, for Lunas sake!” She grabbed my hand in her mouth and began dragging me across the club. “Scotch, I’m borrowing your back room!”

“Wah! What are we gonna do in the back room?” I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going. Or my hand in her mouth, for that matter. She dragged me in and locked the door behind without answering me.

I’m gonna go back on that old saying, ‘ Nothing good happens when the door locks behind you.’ No time is that truer than now. The look Vi was giving me was almost predatory. She needed a lot less force to push me over than Twi did, due to me being a lot less steady on my feet.

“Heh-heh... Vi? Um... Hey, that’s tender!” Her push had knocked me against a crate full of bottles, now she hopped up on it as well, bending me over it backwards. As I lay prone over those crates, her forehooves over either side of my head. She set herself down on my stomach. Just as when we dancing, I was struck by how little she weighed.

“Now, where is it?” She began shifting herself around on my belly.

“Where is what?” Maybe this was some sort of pony welcoming ritual. Because that’s the only reason I could think of that she would take me into the dark back room and pin me down.

Don’t get me wrong, I could’ve easily thrown her off at any moment, but even among humans I was extremely strong. Almost freakishly so. I didn’t want to hurt her.

I didn’t want to hurt anyone any more.

Whatever she’d been feeling for, she seemed to have found it, she stopped squirming.

She leaned forward, and met my lips with hers. Unlike Red, who’d been tentative, Vi seemed to have no reservations at all about my odd, flat face. On the contrary, she was rather exuberant about it.

She pulled away, leaving a small string of saliva between us. Rolling her tongue around in her mouth, she smacked her lips and smiled. “Hm... weird. But I like it.”

“What the... fuuuuuck...” My jaw quivered in its place on the floor.

“Do you get it now, John? Now, take your weird leg-things off, my magic isn’t working for some reason.”

. . .

[The various organs are all gaping, except Alcohol, who is clapping excitedly.]

Brain: What in Soul’s name have you got us into?

Alcohol: Well, what I’m getting us into should be obvious, now Dick, be at the ready!

Dick: How about ‘Not a snowballs chance in hell’? You’re stretching this ‘Whiskey-dick’ thing a bit too far, I’m not doing it. Even I have standards, asshole.

Alcohol: Oh, come on, all the other fan fictions are doing it!

Brain: Stow that mindless fourth-wall gibberish, right now! I will not tolerate any of the parts under my command to be put inside an animal!

Heart: Now hold up, that’s a little-

Brain: No. For Dick’s sake, and for the sake of the moment, Vinyl Scratch is an animal. (Turns to Alcohol.) You will be forcefully removed from the premises, you’ve caused enough damage for one night.

Alcohol: (Laughing hysterically.) Ha ha! You think this is the last of me? Ha ha! It doesn’t matter what world you live in, what body you’re in command of, I will find you, and I will KICK YOUR ASS! HAHAHAHAHA! (Continues laughing as he’s dragged away by Liver and Kidneys.)

Brain: (To Liver.) Have Bladder keep an eye on him until he can be properly discharged. (To Mouth.) I don’t care what you have to say or how inebriated we are. Get. Us. Out. Of. Here.

Ass: (Enters.) Good evening, gents. I’ve heard my name called several times in the past few minutes, and was wondering if I could perhaps be of assistance?

All: NO!

Ass: I’ll take my leave, then.

. . .

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. What the fuck.

“Oh shit. What the fuck.”

She stopped licking my ear for a second. “What’s wrong, baby? Am I too heavy? We can try a different position, if you want.”

“No, no... Bad girl, bad girl. What the fuck. Bad girl.” I picked her up with shaking hands. She seemed to misinterpret my stern reprimands for eagerness.

“Ooh, yes, I’m a bad girl, and I need to be punished!” She hit me with another sexy look and a wiggle of her hips.

“Oh God, Morgan Freeman, fucking fuck.” I set her down on a juice crate, and she turned around and presented herself.

“Call me whatever you want, I’m the one being punished.” Her tail lifted slightly. I grabbed it and pulled it down. I didn’t want to see that.

“I have to go... get my... virginity. I’ll see you in... I’ll see you.” I quickly turned and kicked the door down, fragmenting the frame near the lock. I ran up to Scotch behind the bar and dropped the bag of gold coins that had been my payment from Rares in front of him.

“I must go. My people need me.”

“I don’t think ya bought that many drinks, lad.”

“Yeah, I also think I broke your door.”

“Alright then, if ya need ta go, I won’t keep yeh.” He shrugged, as if property damage was a part of his nightly routine. For all I knew, it was. I was interrupted in my thoughts by a buxom blue-haired broad calling my name.

“John? John, where are you going?”

“I’m going to Disney World!” I fled out the front doors and booked it back to Twilights house, praying to all the gods of all the religions that Vinyl Scratch didn’t follow me.

. . .

She decided not to follow him. Let him think he was safe. “I love it when they play hard to get.”

“What did you do to ‘im, lass? He ran outta here like a diamond dog with its tail on fire.” He knew her well enough to know that her face was flushed from arousal rather than embarrassment.

“I gave him a little taste of what’s to come.”

. . .

“You lost him?” Dusk had fallen. Twilight had not. She was in fact, quite steady on her hooves as Nurse Redheart gave the news of John the humans disappearance from her care. She sighed. “Alright, what happened?”

Redheart swallowed the lump in her throat as the guilt leapt up again. “We went for a walk, to get away from town, you know, and he started talking about how lonely and scared he was and, I guess I sort of...”

“Yes..?”

“Kissed him.” She said, louder this time.

“You... kissed him.” Nurse Redheart cringed in anticipation of a marvelous ass-chewing that was surely in store for her. “What was it like?”

Redheart was taken aback. “Excuse me?”

Twilight pulled out a piece of parchment. “What was it like when you kissed him? How many tongues did he have? Are his teeth as sharp as they look?”

“Umm... It was really hot, Like temperature-wise. I keep thinking he has a fever, but maybe humans just run hotter than ponies. He only has one tongue, but it’s really small and kind of weird shaped. It’s almost pointy, but it’s really soft. And his teeth, well... they’re definitely not as sharp as they look, but they’re pretty sharp.” As the nurse relayed this information, her sadness and shame began to disappear.

Being a nurse, she also noticed that Twilight was showing textbook signs of arousal.

“What did he taste like?”

“Kind of ashy. Maybe because of those smoke-sticks he uses.”

“Hmm...” Seeming to be intellectually satisfied, at least, Twilight slid the parchment into a notebook that bore her cutie mark and replaced it onto a shelf across the room. “Well, I guess we’ll just have to find him again. I won’t be able to locate him magically, I’ve tried, but we could follow his physical trail if we needed to. Assuming he’s still in the forest.”

“Do you think he’s okay?”

“I know he is. From what Fluttershy’s telling me, he can take care of himself. His Null-magic field must have protected him from the basilisks magical attacks, giving him an opening. And before you start, Fluttershy, it’s okay, you didn’t know.” Fluttershy sat in the corner, mortified that she’d let such an important creature get away.

The girls were still gathered in tree library after Princess Celestia’s visit and were getting each other up to speed on the human situation. Twilight and Redheart did most of the talking with Fluttershy chiming in a bit near the end. Rarity, of course, had shared a rather stimulating conversation with the creature, as opposed to Pinkie Pie, who seemed to have nothing good to say about him. Rainbow Dash had caught a glimpse or two of the human during her weather duties, which was still more than Applejack, who’d been working all day and hadn’t even known of the human until the meeting they were having at that moment.

“Rainbow, I suggest you comb the skies for him, he’s not easy to miss. Fluttershy and Applejack, you should ask around the forest, see if any of the animals have seen him. Rarity and Pinkie can ask around town, and me and Nurse Redheart will stay here in case he comes back. Everypony got that?”

General assent was passing around the room when there was a knock on the door.

“Now who could that be?” Twilight said, as she went to answer it. before she could however, the knob turned of its own accord.

The door opened, revealing John on the other side. He scooped her up in a tight hug and twirled her around.

His voice sounded oddly slurred. “Oh God, Twily, it was horrible. My dick touched a pony vagina."

. . .

Michael Salem awoke in a cold sweat. He turned to his wife, snoring peacefully beside him. The frogs and bugs made an imprssive din outside his window, having their last hurrah before the cold hit. It was that wonderful time in Wisconsin between summer and winter, the time when the world calmed down and got ready for a long nap.

All was peaceful.

But all was not right.

Michael felt a tug on the string in his heart that connected him to his brother, the string that had held them together even when their parents had died and their family had nearly been torn apart, the string that always told him something was wrong even when his more protective sibling wouldn't.

Something was wrong now.

John, where are you?

Author's Note

A lot of music in this one.

Post in the comments how you think John was dancing in the club or even post a video!

Like and Favorite if you enjoyed!

...And Now You're Gone

For Arthur

Hang in there, little buddy

John, where are you?

"Honey, I'm sure John's fine. Maybe he just lost his phone or something?"

"No, Ari, you don't understand. John isn't fine. I've called him twice now, and it keeps saying he's out of range."

"So? That happens all the time."

"Not to John. I don't know what calling plan he uses, but he always says I can call him whenever I need him and he'll be there. That's not the sort of promise he takes lightly." John had a worldwide, zero dead-zone phone service. I don't know where one would get such a thing, and whenever I asked, he say it was a secret.

My brother has a lot of secrets.

"Besides, I won't be long. I'll probably be here before you get back from work. I'm just going down to Madison to check on him. I'm sure he's fine." I hope he's fine.

Ariel leaned up and kissed me on the cheek. "I'm sure, too, baby. Be careful on the highway, okay?"

"Of course, babe. Have fun at work."

"Always."

I'm a lucky guy.

. . .

The drive took almost three hours. The rain didn't help, but at least the highway was mostly clear. The gas shortages have been keeping a lot of people off the roads lately.

I visit John pretty often, but never on a whim like this. Ever since he gave me Mom and Dads house, he moved to
Madison with his friend Dutchy. I call him every few days and he visits almost every weekend.

Ariel was an only child. She couldn't understand the knife of dread that pierced my heart even as I drove down the cloud-darkened streets of the city that had become my older brothers home. She couldn't understand the fear that lanced my soul when I went to John's apartment, only to find it locked.

I knocked and waited. He should be at home. He normally sleeps this time of the day.

I waited for a long time.

With no other way to get in, I decided to try finding him at the bar where he works. I walked out the apartment building and was almost to my car when I was jumped by a gang of homeless people. They wanted my wallet, so I calmly pulled out a few hundreds and passed them out, shaking each of their hands and telling them to buy themselves something nice.

They waved goodbye as I pulled away. The random act of kindness did little to ease my feelings.

I pulled up to Dirty Mike's Bar and Grill, the most recent establishment John had been earning petty cash in since he retired from his 'Secret Job'.

Not that he needed to work any more. Ever since he retired, John had more money than he knew what to do with. Hence the three grand that was currently on my person, which was just a percent of a percent of my 'Christmas Gift' from last year.

John's 'Secret Job', as he'd been calling it since I was a teenager, was exactly that; a secret he'd kept from me since the day he came home with a strange Dutchman and a pair of bullet wounds in his neck.

That was the first, but definitely not the last time, that I feared my older brother would die.

. . Flashback Time, Motherfuckers . .

I chewed a hot pocket as I screwed around on the internet. I was a bit of a multi-tasker, I was simultaneously writing a 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!' fan fiction, coding a zombie survival video game, watching a Japanese cartoon, and listening to Now You're Gone by Basshunter.

Needless to say, I'm a lot less single-minded than my brother.

It had been less than a year since Ma and Dad died, John had dropped out of college and moved back in to take care of me. I distracted myself with the normal teenager stuff, spent hours at a time on the internet, did my best in school, and hung out with my then-girlfriend-now-wife, Ariel.

John took it harder than I did. He'd moved into my parents room. Sometimes, he'd keep me up all night with his constant pacing, a habit he'd gotten from Dad. He'd stay in there for days at a time, only coming out to say goodnight and work at the bar in town. But he paid the bills, bought groceries, and helped clean the house, so I couldn't complain.

Tonight was a little different, though. I drove home from school, dropping Ariel off on the way. He'd been in the kitchen, washing the dishes, his tan arms clashing with the white bubbles. He was singing along with the radio, obviously in a good mood.

"I kissed a girl, and I liked it,

The taste of her cherry chapstick.

I kissed a girl, just to try it,

Hope my boyfriend don't mind- Hey, Mike!"

"Hey, man." I set my backpack down on a chair, and started digging through cupboards on an epic quest for munchies.

"How was school?" He continued without looking up

"Sucked balls, as usual." I stuffed a cookie in my mouth and grabbed another.

"Well, hang in there, buddy."

"Ariel makes it better."

"Hmm?" He turned the radio down with a bubble-studded hand. "Who's Ariel?"

"My girlfriend?" I said through my cookie before swallowing. "I thought I told you about her."

He turned off the radio and flicked water at me, then dried his hands. "Was I drunk?"

"Maybe."

"Probably." He threw the towel at me and sat down in one of the chairs. "Pop a squat, little man. We gotta talk."

"Oh, shit, not this. John, you realize they have classes for this, now, I know 'the birds and the bees' and all that."

"I know, I know, gimme some fuckin' credit. I'm talkin' ground rules, buddy." He began ticking off fingers. "Rule One: Don't ask, don't tell, meaning, if I don't ask, I don't wanna know. Rule Two: No hanky-panky while I'm in the house. I don't pork girls while you're here, return the favor. Rule Three: Protection. All the time. No exception. I'm not taking care of your spawn. Other than that, have fun, and don't get caught. How long's this been going on? What base you at?"

"Almost all year." I laughed and willed my face to stop being so red. "Second."

He slapped me five. "The tits. Nice. Real talk though, I gotta leave in an hour. I'll leave money for a pizza or something."

"What's going on?"

"Biz."

"Kinda biz?"

"None-a yo biz." To this day, he hasn't told me what happened after he left. He did as he said and left some money, however, I ordered Chinese as opposed to pizza. I considered inviting Ari over, but it seemed in bad taste, since John essentially just gave me permission to have sex with her. So I went on the Internet.

I couldn't sleep, so I ended up cruising the web for a long time. At about a quarter to one, a car pulled into our driveway. It had begun raining, and I hadn't noticed it.

Now, who could that be?

I ran down the stairs to the door and opened it. I didn't like the look of the stranger who got out of the car that looked suspiciously like my brothers. He ran around the car and helped someone out of the passenger side.

I pulled my glasses out of my pocket. I'd inherited Mom's nearsightedness. Putting them on, I saw a familiar shock of golden-blond hair and an equally familiar black leather jacket. John?

. . .

John hated lying to his brother.

But he had to. To protect him.

Ever since that day, nearly a year ago, now, he'd been lying to Mike. He told him that he'd gotten a job as a bartender, when in reality, they were living off Mom and Dads life insurance. He told Michael he was getting better.

He wasn't.

But it was going to get better, now. He had them pinned. Almost a year of tracking, scheming, reading newspapers, going to the library, fucking around on the internet, hundreds of dollars in bribes, gallons of blood in torturous beatings. The loving father-figure he was to Michael was the polar opposite of the vengeful, bloodthirsty beast he became at night, when his little brother thought he was working. In a way, he was.

All of it for the medallion.

A golden sheep impaled on a golden sword.

He'd found it on the ground near where his parents died, where they were murdered. On the back he found a code. The code started the journey. And now he was going to finish it.

Build a bridge of blood all the way to Heaven.

Yeah, I'll build you a bridge to heaven. With blood, if you want it.

The drive took four hours, and it started raining in the middle. He pulled up to a seedy motel directly out of every shitty horror movie, and tonight, he was the antagonist, and they would be the helpless victims.

The Cult of the Sacrificial Lambs were the lambs now, and John was the tiger. He stepped out of his car and pulled up his hood against the rain. He went around to the trunk and opened it. And used a key from his pocket to open the silver case.

He'd spent a long time choosing his weapon. He'd eventually decided on the Desert Eagle. He'd obtained it through perfectly legal means, and waited the required period. Said it was for home defense. Luckily, the guy hadn't asked why one needed a silencer and hollow-point rounds for home defense.

He'd made his choice partly because it was ironic. The Cult of the Lambs got stared in Israel, and the Deagle was an Israeli weapon. Born of the desert, die by the desert.

But he'd mostly chosen it because it was the biggest damn handgun he could get his mitts on. I don't want to kill them. I want to destroy them utterly.

His hands shook with nervous excitement as he screwed on the silencer and tucked the Deagle into his jacket. He then put two spare clips into each back pocket, and put the box of bullets in his other jacket pocket. Finally, justice would be served. Finally he would get his revenge.

The Lambs were careful. Careful and cunning. They made every one of their sacrifices look like an accident. John had done so much research in these months, he probably knew more about them than their own members. The medallion and the code had been the key. Even now, as it bounced against his chest, he thanked the poor sod who'd been his deliverence. They'd gotten sloppy leaving evidence like that.

John Salem entered the hotel with murderous intent. It was exactly as you'd expect a dingy motel to be. Puke-yellow, peeling wallpaper, ugly, stained maroon carpets. The pretty lady behind the counter smiled.

"I'm sorry, but we don't have any vacancies right now!"

"I've got a room in reserve. Here's my key." I pulled out the medallion and dropped it to the desk. It jangled and her eyes widened when she recognized it. Everyone in this hotel was a Lamb, in one way or another.

She reached for a hidden button under the desk. John grabbed her wrist. She looked into his eyes, terrified.

"There's no need for that." He pulled back his hood, eyes tender, and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

Then slammed her face-first into the desk. She rocked backwards, blood spurting from her nostrils. John pulled out the Deagle and pointed it at her. She was still terrified.

"Don't worry, I'm sure they'll have plenty of vacancies... in Hell."

Clack

Clack

A pair of roses bloomed on the hostesses chest, spraying little red ink dots over the desk.

John calmly reloaded the Deagle. Killing his first human being wasn't as hard as he thought it would be.

He leaped over the desk and stuck his hand down her shirt. After a bit of groping, he found what he wanted. He pulled out the bloody medallion, identical to his. He tucked it into his pocket, followed by his own, then checked the desk and drawers for any more information. In a locked drawer, which was quickly broken open, there was a notebook with the Symbol of the Lamb on it.

Flipping it open, John found dates and pictures. The pictures appeared to be taken from afar, and some of them had big red X's through them. Sifting through them, he found many people he didn't recognize. The last two pictures to be crossed out didn't surprise him. But they still hurt.

Johnathan C. Salem, Sr.

Bellefille L. Salem

The dates underneath the pictures were the same day they died.

John tore up the pages with his parents pictures on them. The fact that the Lambs had their likeness on hand was an insult to their memory. He was considering burning the notebook when he noticed the first person without an X.

Laura T. Rodriguez

The date underneath her picture was today.

They were going to kill her tonight, here in the hotel.

John didn't intend for that to happen. If there was a ritual happening tonight, all of the members would be present. John couldn't let this opportunity slip though his fingers. He lit the notebook on fire with his cigarette lighter, and dropped it in the trash can. He wiped a leftover tear from his eye and grabbed his gun from the table.

Now, he had to find the door. The hotel itself gave the Lambs a constant supply of money and victims, but John doubted they conducted their rituals in any of the rooms. There was likely a basement, hidden behind a false wall or cellar door.

After almost fifteen minutes of knocking on walls and checking under rugs, John found it. A false wall in a janitor's closet. He decided politely knock before knocking really hard.

"The Lion chases the Lamb, but there is no need," came the answer from the other side. The proper reply was: 'For the Lamb offers themselves willingly. John, however, didn't know this, so instead he replied:

"Well, the Lion is sick of the Lamb's shit," and proceeded to put his foot through the false wall. He felt it connect with flesh, and grinned. The guard had been directly on the other side.

Using the false wall's new window as a handle, John tore the entire structure off and threw it aside. He entered the small room and it was like entering a new building entirely. The dingy, peeling walls were replaced with gray stone, and the flickering, exposed light bulbs were replaced by fancy golden candelabras.

The guard John kicked was curled up on the floor, holding his stomach. John strode to him and grabbed the collar of his maroon ceremonial robes, lifting him completely off the floor. He pressed the silencer to the man's throat.

"Alright, little birdy, sing for me. Where's the sacrifice?"

"Who are you?!?" The young man bellowed, terror in his eyes. John pistol-whipped him savagely.

"Class is in session, I suggest you pay attention. Where. Is. The. Sacrifice?

The guard spat out a tooth. "Downstairs. The ritual's already started."

John grinned again. "Good job, you passed the final exam. Here's your gold star."

He pulled the trigger, blasting red paint all over the boring gray walls. He dropped the guard, who was now drowning in his own blood, to the floor, and began looking for the stairs.

Down said stairs, Brother Steve had the familiar, blocky golden dagger in his palm. With Brother Herman passing on tonight, he had taken over the ceremonies. Brother Herman and the sacrifice lay together on the stone table, naked. The old man had his eyes closed and was unrestrained, as opposed to the sacrifice, who chewed her gag as her eyes rolled about the room fearfully. Brother Steve stroked her head soothingly. "Be still, little lamb. The sacrifice goes to heaven, too."

Brother Herman took a deep breath. "Enough dawdling, Brother. Send the lamb and I to the lion's jaws."

"Yes, Brother Herman." The gathered cultists began to chant in the old tongue.

"بناء جسر من الدم على طول الطريق إلى الجنة"

"Build a bridge of blood all the way to heaven."

Brother Steve spread his arms, dagger in his right, medallion in his left. His eyelids fluttered as the words filled him.

"لا ذبيحة واحدة يمكن أن تذوب خطايا الرجل."

"No one sacrifice can dissolve the sins of man."

Brother Steve raised the dagger over the tribute. His eyes closed, so did hers, and tears ran down her face. He felt a sliver of apprehension, but quickly brushed it away. For Brother Herman to go to Heaven, this young woman had to die.

"يجب أن يكون الطعام بين فكي الأسد ولحم الخروف."

"The jaws of the Lion shall be fed the flesh of the Lamb."

Clack

Brother Steve felt a strange force, like someone had punched him in the chest.

"I can't believe you guys started the party without me!" Brother Steve looked toward the intruder, who brandished a smoking pistol. Surely he hadn't?

He brought the hand that held the medallion to his chest. Only when he saw that it came away bloody did the pain of getting shot hit him. As the life bled from the wound in his chest, he gently set his medallion and knife down before falling dead to the floor.

"Haven't you guys ever been to a party before? You blow out the candles, THEN you cut the cake." The intruder raised the gun again and shot Brother Herman, who'd leaned up wondering why he wasn't dead yet, in the face.

Sister Melissa grabbed the dagger from the offering table. "Murderer!" She screeched as she charged the man. "He was about to ascend!"

He caught her arm just as she was about to plunge the dagger into his heart. His grip was like steel, and Sister Melissa felt the bones in her forearm crack as the stranger spoke through gritted teeth.

"Me, a murderer? If I'm a murderer, what are you? Me killing your boyfriend and your grandpa there was no different than when you killed my mom and dad, and all those other people in your little notebook."

"They were sacrificed! They went to Heaven!"

"Then you can join them." He pressed the gun to her soft belly, causing her to gasp slightly.

Clack

Clack

Sister Melissa slumped to the floor. He aimed the pistol again. Only one of the cultists took cover behind the stone table.

Clack Brother Alistair began breathing through a hole between his eyes a split second before he fell to the floor with a dry thump.

Clack Sister Susanna clawed at the beautiful red flower on her chest before it's lead roots ended her struggle and she succumbed to the darkness.

John tucked the pistol into his jacket where it belonged. "I don't particularly feel like reloading. So let's make this a little more personal, shall we?"

The man knelt and picked up the knife Sister Melissa had tried to kill him with. He took a second to close her eyes.

"Now, let's play a game. If you manage to touch the door behind me, you get to live." He didn't really plan on letting any of them touching the door, and even if the did, he'd kill them anyway. But the robed cultists that remained didn't know this. They thought they had a chance.

The ritual forgotten, the first contestant stepped up to the plate. He was a little taller than John, which was an impressive feat.

"Our brothers and sisters have suffered dishonorable deaths by your hand. When I touch the door, my hand will be stained with your blood." He pulled a ceremonial knife from the folds of his robes. "Prepare to do battle."

"Are you gonna attack me, or talk about it all day?"

Brother Joseph bellowed a battle cry and charged at John. He felt a pain in his wrist, then a stinging sensation in his neck, then nothing at all. His body fell against the door, the new stump on his wrist leaving a smear. John shook the severed hand from his new knife, then threw it at Brother Andrew. It stuck fast in his neck, and he gurgled and fell against the wall.

"Two contestants left. I think this calls for a bonus round. You have two choices: Fight me, or fight each other. Winner gets to live."

The remaining cultists looked at each other. Suddenly, Sister Josephine tackled Brother Justin and began to claw his face. Grabbing his temples, she slammed his head against the stone floor until he stopped screaming, stopped struggling, stopped breathing.

She stood, breathing hard, and began crying. Her voice was hoarse from screaming apologies to her victim. She felt a pair of comforting arms wrap around her from behind, and leaned into them. It was only when she felt the knife slip between her ribs, did she wonder exactly whose arms they were.

John gently laid the last of his victims on the floor. He felt a strange nothingness in his soul, not an emptiness, but an absence of emotion. The warm pleasure of a job well done leaked through him, but other than that, he felt nothing for these people. As he'd trained to fight them, tracked them like a bloodhound, even as he painted himself red with their blood, they'd been the object of his revenge, his hatred.

Now that'd he'd slaughtered them, it wasn't the same. They were a job that needed doing, trash that needed taking out. He felt nothing for them.

John felt nothing.

He dropped the knife and checked on Laura. She seemed to have fainted. He undid her restraints and began gathering the cultist's medallions. He'd kept the first medallion as evidence to himself that his parents hadn't been victim to a random accident, but victims to a sacrificial cult's rituals. Now he needed them to remind himself that, tonight, people had died by his hand.

"What are you doing?" John spun, surprised at the voice. Then he mentally kicked himself. The cultist who'd hidden under the stone table crawled out and dusted himself off. John pulled out his pistol and fumbled to reload it. The cultist spun and kicked the gun and clip across the room. "No need for weapons, vriend, I'm not one of them."

John didn't bother trying to get the gun. He had a feeling it would just get knocked out of his hands again.

"Really? Then who are you?"

"Sir Doctor Inspecteur Sebastian Lied van de Rivieren, at your service." He spoke all his titles with total seriousness, and in an obviously Dutch accent, probably Amsterdam.

"I'm going to call you Dutchy, rather than remember all that." Dutchy rolled his eyes and continued.

"Americans." He grumbled under his breath. "Alright, fine, Dutchy it is. Now answer my question: What are you doing?"

"Collecting their medallions."

"May I ask why?"

"I... don't know."

"Well, I'm going to ask you to stop." He pulled the cloak off over his head, revealing a man who looked a little older than John. His short, black hair had silver streaks in it, and a matching short salt-and-pepper beard cloaked his chin. A massive, ragged pink scar cut his face in two, going from the upper right of his head, all the way down to the base of his neck on the other side. He wore a brown trench coat over a red plaid button-up and a pair of rancher boots poked out underneath his faded blue jeans. "And then I'm going to ask you why you're here."

"Revenge."

"Who'd they get?"

"Parents."

"You don't talk much, do you?"

"Less than most."

"Ahhh, the strong-silent type. What's your name?

"John."

"Salem?"

"How'd you know?"

"You're not the only one who read their little red book. For what it's worth, I'm sorry your family fell victim to these varkens. I would ask you to remain uninvolved, but it's a little late, now, nee?" Dutchy pulled out a jade dragon carving that he'd hollowed out into a pipe. He began calmly packing it. "Well, now that I know why you're here, I should probably tell you why I am. I'm an operative for a company known by the acronym UNJO, which stands for United Nations Justice Organization. A misnomer, given we're not affiliated to the United Nations. We've actually been around longer."

"So, you're a secret agent. A spy." John wasn't surprised. When he began his search for the Cult of the Lambs, John entered a world beneath the skin, a world where conspiracies were real, and big brother was always watching.

"No, I'm not an agent, I'm an operative, there's a difference. But, yes, I am a spy. I was planted to track this coven's movement's, then dispose of them. Thank's for doing my job for me, vriend." He lit his newly-packed pipe and took a puff. "And congratulations as well. You've managed to impress me, not an easy feat."

John was about to ask what he meant when they were interrupted.

Brother Justin finished reloading the intruder's pistol, pulling back the hammer with a click. Brother Shawn had been a traitor, and their entire coven was slaughtered by a single person. From his vantage point on the floor, he watched as the traitor and the stranger had a nice chat, mere minutes after his brothers and sisters had been slaughtered before his eyes. He aimed the pistol at Brother Shawn. His betrayal was unforgiveable.

"Die, infidel." Brother Shawn's eyes widened when he noticed the gun barrel pointed at him. But, as he pulled the trigger, the stranger stepped in front of him.

John stood there as the bullets tore through his neck. He felt himself being pushed aside. He heard a gunshot.

"Nee!" Sebastian pulled out his own gun and shot the surviving cultist in the forehead. John stumbled slightly from Sebastian pushing him, but remained on his feet, blood leaking from the base of his throat. The cultist surely dead this time, he rounded on John.

"Domkop! I could have dodged that!"

John opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words, a sickening gurgle and a copious amount of blood came out. He rocked on his feet for a second before falling into Sebastian's arms. Surprisingly, the Dutchman could hold his weight.

"No, do not speak." Sebastian probed the wound with a finger. John gurgled in pain. "Ach, this is not good. We will need a professional. Not a civilian hospital... Ah, I know just the person for the job."

He reached up and pinched his earlobe with bloodied fingers. "Nest, this is Cobalt Cobra, over... Mission was a partial success, I need a cleanup crew ASAP, several bodies and an unconscious civilian, over... Negative, Nest, one of the Lambs escaped, I'm going to hunt him down. I'll may be out of contact for a while, over... Cobra out."

He threw John's arm over his shoulder. "That should buy me a few hours. We need to get out of here, do you have someplace safe?" John pointed at Laura, still passed out on the stone table.

"The cleanup crew will be here before she wakes up. They'll take care of her, but we need to be gone before they arrive. I ask again, do you have somewhere to go?" John nodded and pointed up the stairs. Dutchy helped him climb them into the office on the first floor. One of the bullets had lodged in his spine, his body refused to obey commands from his brain. Somehow, he managed to quickly write down some directions on a pad of paper make it to the his car. Sebastian staunched his throat-hole with a towel from one of the guest rooms.

"Much as I hate to leave my baby here, do you have your keys?

John handed his key ring to Sebastian, and they tore down the road mere seconds before the cleanup crew arrived.

. . .

Why did he come home with some stranger? And why is he limping?

I yanked the screen door open and ran to him, the gravel stinging my bare feet and the rain soaking my back. Lightning flashed and I saw that his arm was around the strange man, a bloody white towel pressed to his neck. The stranger had a massive, disfiguring scar over his entire face.

"WHAT DID YOU DO DO MY BROTHER?" I shouted. I reached the man, and tried to pull him off John. An iron arm twisted around both of mine like a tentacle, then pinned my neck in an unbreakable grip. It didn't hurt, but it was uncomfortable. He didn't even have to let go of John to do it.

"Be still, de kleintje, help me get your brother into the house. We will talk, then. He's lost a lot of blood." He had an odd, but obviously European accent. John smacked him softly in the chest.

He let me go without another word. Not knowing what else to do, I moved to John's other side and put his arm over my shoulder. I looked at his face as I supported him. He was smiling, despite his obvious pain. He tousled my hair weakly. When did I start crying?

We got into the house and set John down in a kitchen chair. "Hold the towel to his neck, keep the pressure. I need to make a call."

"Now? He's bleeding!"

"We need someone to fix him. I'm a doctor, but not that kind of doctor. I'll make a call, then we'll stabilize him, ja?" I did as the strange man said and held the towel to my brother's throat. The man stepped back and pinched his earlobe. He began to speak in French.

Of course, I understood every word. "Patch me in to Doctor Ivoire, secure channel... Hello, Èbène? Yes, I need your assistance... Yes, bring your tools... No, your other tools... Èbène, please, not so many questions, my new friend is bleeding out and you're the only one I can trust... Of course, anything you want, my dear."

He turned to me again. "The doctor is on her way. How is he doing?"

John gave a thumbs up. I glared at the stranger for putting him in this state. John obviously couldn't talk because of the throat wound that, for all I knew, this man had given him.

"Ah, but where are my manners? My name is Sebastian, you must be John's brother?" He extended a hand that had a pink scar circling the wrist

I looked to John for wisdom. He nodded. It's okay, Mike, he's a friend.

I shook Sebastian's hand, still holding the towel to John's neck. "Well, Sebastian, my name is Michael, and if you don't mind me asking, what happened to my brother?"

He looked at John, who shook his head and pointed toward himself. I'll explain. Sebastian turned back to me. "That is probably something you two should discuss alone. I will go and wait for Doctor Ivoire."

I realized that we couldn't discuss anything if John couldn't talk. "Sebastian, could you grab a pen and a piece of paper for John? I would, but I'm kind of keeping him from bleeding out. There's some on the desk in the living room."

"Oh, yes, I forgot."

When he got the pen and paper, John began scribbling in his curving, loopy handwriting.

what do you want to know

"Why are you bleeding from your neck?"

I got shot

"How in the hell did you get shot?"

that is a long and painful story that Im not going to tell you

just know that I helped Seb do a really dangerous job

and that mom and dad can finally rest in peace

I tried my best not to scream at him. "John, you need to let it go. I miss them, too, but the truth is that they're gone and can't come back. It's not fair, but there isn't anything we can do, and obsessing about it isn't healthy, for you or me."

one day when youre older Ill explain all the way

but for now you can hate me if you want

A tear ran down my cheek. "John, I could never hate you. You're all I have."

dont make my cry because if I start

sobbing its going to hurt really bad

"I'd give you a hug, but I'm a little busy keeping your blood in your body." He smiled sadly. I chuckled, then sobbed. It was tearing me apart to see the strongest man I'd ever seen, bleeding and unable to even walk by himself. "Don't die, John. I already lost Mom and Dad, I can't lose you, too."

I promise that I will never ever die

"The doctor has arrived. Gentlemen, may I present to you, Madame Èbène Ivoire. Michael, She's going to fix your brother." At first, I thought he was kidding. Surely a woman of such beauty would be married to a doctor, not one herself? She was the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen, and she wore a cliche' white lab coat over an elegant form-fitting black dress. Simple makeup, complete with classic rouge-red lipstick, accented her already beautiful face, and a pair of square glasses perched on her delicate nose.

As if this wasn't enough to get my teenage hormones raging, she held a large black bag in front of her with both hands, causing her arms to squish her boobs together in that special way that all guys and lesbians love.

"Merci, Sebastian. I'm assuming zis is ze patient?" Her accent reminded me of my grandmother, which rather than turning me off, somehow made her more enticing. She quickly set her bag down, pulling out a pair of rubber gloves and putting them on.

"Doctor, I'm ready for my check up!" I blurted suddenly, then flushed red.

"Aww, you are cute. But non, you are too young for me, petit goujon." Guys obviously hit on her all the time. She handled that like a champ.

"Hey, I'm legal!" I exclaimed, scandalized.

She laughed. "Si mignon! Be a dear and help Sebastian lift ze patient onto the table."

I blushed again and did as she said. Despite my brother's situation, I was having trouble keeping my eyes off her. She pulled out a syringe and flicked it. "Alright, bel homme, Sebastian already explained what happened, I'm going to put you under sedation, c'est bien?"

John nodded, blatantly staring at her tits. So it wasn't just me. She put the needle into the side of his neck. The wound was in the front, where his chest met his throat. I removed the towel, and saw that it was not one wound, but two ragged round holes, as if a vampire or a giant spider had bit him.

"Ahh...de toute beauté. What was the caliber of the bullet?" She used a flashlight to look in the holes, sounding extremely pleased, despite the man dying in front of her.

"It was a Mark XIX Desert Eagle, chambered with .50 Action Express hollow points."

Doctor Ivoire's eyes widened behind her glasses. "He should be dead!"

Sebastian nodded gravely. "I know."

She opened John's mouth with a gloved hand, and what seemed like a gallon of blood and saliva spilled onto the table. She shivered, and her legs smacked together oddly. "He should definitely be dead. A normal human would be."

Instead of asking what she meant by that, I opted to grab John's hand. I squeezed it and he squeezed back in his sleep. Doctor Ivoire spent the next few minutes digging around in the wound. The wound began to bleed a little more when she pulled the first bullet out, so she clamped a few arteries shut. For some reason, I smelled something I hadn't smelled since I was last making out with Ariel.

Female arousal.

And Doctor Ivoire was the only female in the room.

Sebastian wiped sweat from her forehead. She smiled as she informed me, "I'm doing the best I can, but the wound is very bad. There is going to be scarring, and the second bullet is in his spine. There is a chance ze nerve damage was too great and he will spend ze rest of his life as an invalid. I will not know until I remove ze bullet. Allons-y!"

She enthusiastically plunged the forceps into my brother's open neck. He began to violently spasm on the table as his nerves were violated. I had to help Sebastian hold him down.

Finally, after almost a full minute of induced seizuring, John fell limp and Doctor Ivoire triumphantly held up a mangled chunk of lead. "Je l'ai fait! I've done it!"

She set the bullet on the tray with the other one and inspected the wound again. "I have ze good news, and I have ze bad news. Ze bad news, ze nerve damage was as bad as I thought. He will not walk by himself again."

Thank God, he's going to live.

"Unless," She continued. "I use my special treatment. And in order to do that, I need Sebastian to do me a favor."

Sebastian rolled his eyes. "Of course, Èbène, we already discussed your payment. You brought your tools, I assume? So, administer the treatment, as I'm sure we're all getting impatient."

I was on the other side of the table, but I plainly saw him reach over and squeeze her butt with his left hand, which was missing its ring finger. She purred, delighted, and reached into her bag of tricks, this time pulling out another syringe, bigger than the last. It was full of a creamy-looking, off-white fluid.

"What's that? It looks like..." Semen.

"I know what it looks like. It is my treatment, I call it Touche de la femme. Sebastian will explain, my English is not good enough."

Sebastian did as he was told. "Èbène will be injecting your brother with, as everyone but her calls it, 'The Miracle Cure', or just Miracle. Miracle is a substance composed of unaligned stem cells and proteins. The stem cells will absorb your brothers DNA and use it as a map to rebuild his throat. It is very expensive to produce, and it isn't perfect."

She pushed the plunger down and stated proudly, "Ze latest batch has only twenty-five percent chance of ze cells becoming cancerous!"

"You're joking, right?" She hummed as she began closing the wound. "Right?"

She sewed him up, and John came to as she wrapped gauze around his neck. The whole surgery had taken less than an hour. "Before you speak, don't. Even with ze Touche de la femme in your system, you will need a few days to heal. No talking."

John nodded. He pointed at his chair in the living room. I need to sit down.

I helped him up and helped him walk to the living room. "Doctor Ivoire? He's not gonna be like this forever, will he?"

"Non, petit garçon, I injected ze Touche de la femme directly into the wound. He will be healed in a few days. I will leave my number in case zere are complications. And please, call me Èbène."

John had me fetch the pad of paper from the kitchen. until then I could use a drink

Surgery over, Sebastian helped the good doctor out of her coat. "Très bon! Zat is a good idea. Alcohol will numb ze pain and disinfect your throat. Do you have any wine?"

just boxed

Mike could you get it please?

I fetched the box of wine from the fridge. Sebastian laughed when he saw it, and helped himself to a glass. "Wine in a box! Now, I've seen everything! Ahh, Americans..."

Mike you should get some sleep

Ill call school write a note to excuse you from school tomorrow

but you'll need to take it there.

"Are you sure you're gonna be alright?"

Ill be fine go to bed

I didn't go to bed. I went up the stairs and waited, listening. I could only hear what Sebastian and the doctor were saying, since John couldn't speak. They made small talk for a few minutes, but suddenly Sebastian brought up something that confused and concerned me.

"John, do you remember the offer I made you in the car on the way here?"

I heard John scribbling something.

"Now that you are capable of doing so, what is your answer?"

John wrote something, crossed it out, and wrote something else.

"How old is he now?"

Scribble, scribble.

"Then you have nothing to worry about, John. You can call him any time you want, you can visit. Hell, I visit my sisters all the time!

Scribble, scratch.

"As I said, you have nothing to worry about. We take care of our own."

Èbène chimed in, speaking French and sounding drunk. "Oh, you two are boring me, all you do is talk. Sebastian, I'd like to be paid, now. The wine, it makes me so horny!"

I raised an eyebrow. John wrote something.

"Good, you won't regret it. Now that that's settled, do you have a guest room? Èbène and I must retire for the night. And I believe my dear wants her payment for the night, hmm?"

Èbène growled and John wrote his final note for the night.

"Thank you very much, John. Again, you won't regret your decision." Oh, shit, he's coming up the stairs. I quickly, but silently padded back to my room. For the next hour, I endured the sweet siren song of Sebastian and Èbène having what sounded like very rough sex in John's old room.

When they were done, I heard a knock on my door and the now-familiar sound of Sebastian's voice. "Michael, I know you are awake. May I come in?"

I stood up from my bed and let him in. I'd opened the door only to notice he wasn't wearing a shirt, and was covered in blood. "Holy shit! You're bleeding!"

"Perceptive, aren't you? This is what I get for putting a woman's needs ahead of my health."

"What do you mean? Did Doctor Ivoire do that to you? I thought you guys were just..."

"Of course. And we were. Èbène is a rare and precious gem who needs very special treatment. I do my best to tickle her fancies."

"I still don't understand."

"She suffers from hematolagnia. I'm one of the few who is willing to tend to her needs."

"Hemato-what?"

"She likes blood."

The gorgeous doctor suddenly became slightly less attractive to me. Slightly. "Whatever. What did you need?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you." He sat down and patted the bed beside him, being careful to not get blood on the sheets. I sat down next to him. "Michael, I'd like to tell you a story."

His eyes grew distant. "Once upon a time, there was a man. He was a kind and loving man, and one day he decided he wanted to help people for a living, and devote himself to the needs of others. But his father told him that helping others was pointless, and that he would only get himself killed. He did not listen. He defied his father, and became so good at helping others, he gained the attention of the worlds greatest men and women, and he joined their ranks.

"And so, the man traveled the world. Many good things happened to the man in his travels. He saw things that had not graced the eyes of mortals in a thousand generations. Tasted foods fit for the gods, heard songs that made him shiver in ecstasy. He made love to hundreds of men and women around the world and touched the hearts of children everywhere.

"But bad things happened as well. He killed dozens of men and women and children, and watched even more die by the hands of others. He had his heart broken, he was tortured, beaten, burned, and cast aside. He killed his best friend, he watched his twin brother die in his arms. He felt anger, sadness, vengeance.

"He also experienced happiness, relief, contentment. Love." He sighed and came back to Earth. Then he looked at me. "Do you know what true love is, Michael?"

"I like to think so." Leave it to some weirdo who talks like Goldmember to make me doubt myself.

He continued as if I hadn't spoken. "True love is when you are willing to give everything you have and everything you are for another human being, without second thoughts or regrets. I know what true love is, Michael. The man from the story was me."

He stood, and I suddenly felt very small before him. "Sometime soon, your brother will tell you something you will not like, maybe even hate. All I can ask of you is to do as I did, and love your brother truly."

"What's he going to ask me?"

He patted me on the shoulder. "All in good time. Just remember; We were all put on this Earth for a reason, Michael. I know my reason. I think I can help John find his."

And with that, he swept out of the room and closed the door, leaving me confused in the growing light of the dawn.

I got a few hours of fevered sleep, and when I woke up, Sebastian and Èbène were nowhere to be found. I began thinking the whole thing had been a crazy dream, until I entered the living room and found John passed out in his chair, his shirt still bloodstained and gauze around his neck. I grabbed the note explaining the situation from the desk and brought it to school, then headed back, only to find John sprawled out on the floor, waiting for me to come home.

"You fell down." John nodded.

"And now you can't get up." He nodded again.

I spent the next few days off of school, taking care of John. Within four days, he could speak again, though in nothing more than a low growl.

"Here, put me in a chair, buddy, we gotta talk." He still wasn't strong enough to walk by himself, but he was getting better. Setting him down, I leaned back, my spine popping.

"If nothing else, hauling your fat ass around is giving me a good workout." We shared a laugh.

"Yeah, sorry about that." He sighed. "I'm sorry about a lot of things."

"Mm-hm. Like what?"

"I'm sorry for all the lies I told. I'm sorry for getting shot up and making you worry. I'm sorry for not getting a job, and getting drunk all the time. And I'm really sorry for what I'm about to tell you."

"What?" I'd been dreading this moment since Sebastian warned me about it those days ago. And now it was finally happening.

"I'm leaving." He wouldn't look me in the eye. "When you go to college in the spring, Sebastian's going to help me get a job at the company where he works. I can't tell you the details, but I have something that needs doing.

True love is when you are willing to give everything you have and everything you are for another human being, without second thoughts or regrets

I love my brother too much to see him suffer like this. So, I did the hardest thing in the world for me to do.

I let him go.

"John, I trust you enough to know what's best. If this is what you need to do, then I support it."

"Thanks, buddy. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"But, in return, you need to honor the promise you made to me.

"Which one?"

"The one you made when I asked you not to die."

He made to stand up. I tried to help him, but he waved me off. Then, for the first time since he'd been shot, he stood on his own, to his full height. He looked me in the eyes.

"Michael, I promise that, no matter what, I will always come back to you. I will always be there when you need me, no matter the challenge I have to face, because no hardship, no pain or suffering, is worth letting you down." He pulled me into a tight hug.

"I promise that I will never, ever die."

. . .

"Hey, Mike!"

"Hey Mike! Is John around?"

The other Mike scratched his chin, stubble crackling. He was at least a decade older than me, had a big old beer gut and a balding head. But he was nice. "I haven't seen him since last night, and I just got here a few minutes ago. Some chick dragged him into the back room, and I assumed they went home together. Why?"

The knife of dread pierced my heart again. "Could I see the back room please?"

Mike threw an arm around my shoulder. "Sure, man! It's before business hours, nobodies in there."

"Thanks."

He led me into and around the bar. "Mind if I ask why, though? He gone missin?"

"Well, he wasn't at his apartment, and he's not answering his phone"

"Well, that's not like him at all."

"I know." He unlocked the door to the back room and waved my in.

I couldn't understand what I saw. There was a cot in the corner, and it was torn all to hell. There were scorch marks on the wall, and several boxes had been overturned, as if there'd been a struggle. I moved to the side of the cot.

"Now, what the hell did he do to my back room? Ugh, this is gonna take forever to clean."

I inspected a burn mark on the wall. It gave me a bad feeling. "I don't think it's what John did, but what someone else did to him. Why is there a bed in here?"

"Andrew's parents kicked him out, so I've been letting him stay here till he finds an apartment. Why? What do you think happened?" I checked under the bed, only to find a badly shredded, burned piece of fabric.

I pulled it out and immediately recognized the pattern. I held up the Limited Edition Darth Vader boxers, which were John's favorite. And before you ask, I lived with the guy for eighteen years of my life, I know his boxers when I see them.

"I don't know, but these were his."

"Holy shit..." He took one look at my face and put his arm around me again. "C'mere, you need a drink."

"I don't drink." He plopped me in a stool and set an open Sun Drop in front of me.

"I know, gimme some credit, Mike." He patted me on the back. "I'm gonna call the cops. We'll find him, man."

I wasn't so sure.

John, where are you?

Author's Note

New longest chapter! The words are OVER NINE THOUSAND!

...And No Matter How Hard You Scrub

His voice sounded oddly slurred. “Oh God, Twily, it was horrible. My dick touched a pony vagina."

"What?"

"Vinyl Scratch. At the bar. She tried to touch my pee-pee." He made an odd noise at the back of his throat and hugged her tighter, nearly crushing her in his iron grip.

"J-John? You're crushing me..."

He set her down, and put his forehead in a hand. "Sorry. I get... huggy, when I'm drunk."

Twilight caught her breath. She still felt an odd, cool sensation where his arms touched her. It wasn't entirely unpleasant. "Alright, now start over from the beginning."

And so, John spun a tale of singing and dancing, drinking and being merry, fights and a blue-haired seductress. He nodded at the good memories upon finishing. "All in all, a productive night, as far as I'm concerned. I'm kinda just hoping she doesn't try to find me. That'd be awkward..."

"Speaking of awkward..." He turned to Nurse Redheart. She cringed, expecting a reprimand for earlier that day, when she'd taken advantage of his distress and kissed him. Instead, she felt his arms, like tree trunks, wrapping around her and picking her up, hugging her close. "I'm sorry, Red. I shouldn't have run out on you like that. I just... I need some time to adjust, okay?"

She felt his lips brush her cheek. Then, his hot tongue dragged up her ear. He sighed. "Oh..."

The mane six's jaws dropped as, for the second time that day, John the Human locked lips with Nurse Redheart.

. . .

I ran my hands down to Red's butt and gave it a squeeze. "Mmm..."

I felt her arms wrap around my shoulders, and she pressed her mouth harder to mine. I ran a hand through her hair and breathed in her sweet scent. I pressed my member, tight in my jeans, against her belly, making sure she felt how hard I was.

Oh, God, I was so hard.

"John..." She breathed.

"Lana..." I replied, pressing her chest harder to mine, to better feel her breasts.

Her chest was flat, her sternum hard, unlike my girlfriends soft, luxurious D-cups. The spell was broken. She was a pony again.

"John?" She leaned back in my embrace, wondering why I'd stopped.

"I'm sorry, Red, I really am. It's just not doing it for me." I gave her a last peck on the lips and set her down. I smoothed her mane and turned away. The other ponies in the room were staring. "Take a damn picture, it'll last longer."

Pinks actually pulled out a camera and took a picture, blinding me. I yanked it away and threw it against the wall.

Twilight completely ignored this. "John... what the..."

"Leave it alone, Twilight."

"Um... okay. What happened with Vinyl Scratch, then?"

"Kinda like what happened between me and you earlier today, except she meant to do it." She blushed at the mention of the earlier misunderstanding.

"Well, there has to be a reason all of these mares are feeling oddly attracted to you."

As she pondered this, I turned in a circle, checking the room. Rares and Shy were there, and of course, my best friend ever, Pink. Other than Red and Twi, there were two more ponies there, both from the show.

The rainbow-haired one and the cowboy one. I held out my hand. "We haven't been introduced; I'm John the Human."

Cowboy Pony replied first. He shook my hand enthusiastically. "Well, shoot, John, we might as well already be friends, considerin' how much Twi's been talkin' 'boutcha! Mah name's Applejack!"

"Well, it's nice to make your acquaintance, Applejack, I see my reputation precedes me. I'm just glad I'm not alone among all these girls. All this female energy make's a guy uncomfortable, am I right?"

"Umm, yeah..." He looked confused.

"Whatever." I turned to the other guy, the pegasus. "I think I know your name... Rainbow... Flash?"

"Actually, it's Dash, but you were close! Fastest flier in Equestria!" He flew into the air and flexed his arms.

"That's interesting, you're very interesting." I pulled out my flask and shook it. There was only a little bit left. I downed it. "Alright, now that we're all friends, I'm tired, so I'm gonna go to bed."

I tucked the flask back into my jacket, then proceeded to smash Twi's coffee table by violently falling asleep on it.

. . .

He tucked his odd silver bottle back in his coat, and then collapsed onto Twilight's coffee table, causing it to disintegrate under his titanic weight. He let out a soft, growling purr. A snore.

Applejack voiced what was on everypony's mind. "What the hay just happened?"

"I think he fell asleep."

"Let's rape him!" Everyone looked at Pinkie. "What?"

Rainbow Dash clocked her over the head. "Rape is never funny, Pinkie."

"I wasn't trying be funny..." She grumbled, rubbing her cotton candy locks. Nurse Redheart moved to John and opened his mouth, sniffing his breath.

"As I thought. Alcohol sickness. Help me roll him over, please?" Applejack attempted rolling the human over with extreme effort.

"Fella's heavier'n he looks, Dash, gimme a hoof, here." When the ponies finally managed to flip him over, Redheart began digging through his coat pockets. She pulled out his odd, silver bottle and opened it, sniffing. It reminded her of scraped knees and paper cuts. Alcohol.

"Why was he drinking alcohol? Is he trying to poison himself?" Redheart shook her head, at a loss.

Twilight remembered something he'd told her earlier about the contents of the flask. "He told me it keeps him regular. Maybe alcohol is important to human biochemistry, or... or..."

Rainbow brought her back to Eden. "Rather than wonder, let's just wake him up and ask." She dropped from her perch, and prepared to kick the creature in the head.

"Um... Rainbow... I'll do it." Fluttershy knew her friend had a strong kick. She leaned close to the human's ear. "Um, John? We need you to get up now."

"Mmm... but Ma, I just graduated, can't I sleep in for five minutes?"

"No, John, you have to get up." Grumbling, the human obliged, getting to his hands and knees. He looked at Fluttershy.

"Good morning, Ma." He held up a finger and hooked her under the chin. "Give us a kiss."

He leaned forward and pecked her on the tip of the snout. She eeped and fled the room. John giggled drunkenly.

"She's real cute, that Shy." He shook his head and stood, swaying. "Holy shit. Goddamn."

Twilight chalked this up as another one of those weird things he did that would probably never be explained. "Um, John, you've been acting strange. Is there a reason why?"

"Well, partly because I'm a pan-dimensional traveler, and partly because I'm drunk off my ass. Do you have a shower?"

"You're... drunk?"

"Yeah, soused, boozed up, buzzed, crocked, inebriated, plastered, sloshed, tanked, tipsy, three sheets to the wind, wasted. You see, you drink alcohol, and your brain gets all derped up like this. Do you have a shower?"

"Um, yes, upstairs, straight across the bedroom."

"Good. Thanks." He scooped her up in another hug before stumbling up the stairs. Fluttershy re-entered the room, now that John was gone. He made her feel funny.

If Twilight had fingers, she would have pinched the bridge of her nose in frustration. Failing that, she settled for a loud sigh. She turned back to the gathered ponies.

"All right. Well. We found John, he doesn't seem hurt, so... crisis averted, I guess. You can all go home, if you want."

All the ponies but Redheart filed out, saying their good-nights.

The nurse hung back, glancing up the stairs to where the Human disappeared. She sighed and turned to Twilight. "Make sure to contact me if the alcohol sickness doesn't improve. And don't stress yourself out over him, either."

Shaking her head, she moved to the door before turning around again. "Take care of that human, Twilight."

A few seconds after she left, Spike entered. He tossed a letter onto the writing desk and flopped down onto his favorite ottoman. "Hey, Twilight. What was Nurse Redheart so upset about?"

"Spike, where have you been? I haven't seen you since Celestia came by!" She checked the clock above the door. "And it is WAY past your bedtime!"

"Relax, Twi, I've stayed up later than this before we got Owlowiscious, and besides, it's not like I need more sleep than I already get." His eyes glazed over slightly. "The things I have seen, Twilight. The things I have seen..."

"You spent an hour catching and subsequently eating a butterfly, then took a nap in a field until you got hungry again and wandered back."

"It was a grasshopper, but other than that, you're spot-on. What's for dinner?"

"It's one o'clock in the morning, if you want something to eat, you're making it yourself."

"Harsh."

Twilight giggled. Leave it to the little dragon's antics to cheer a mare up.

. . .

I entered the bathroom and removed my shirt. I checked my reflection, flexed a little. I'd gone in the woods before heading back to town, but all the Tonic Rainbooms were making me have to piss like a racehorse. Upon seeing the state of Twilight's throne, however, I needed a confirmation, first.

"Twilight! There's something wrong with your toilet!"

"What? Theres something wrong with my toilet?"

"Yeah, it's like... a baby toilet. Also a couch." What I meant was, the device itself was wood and brass, and had a cloth cushion for a pony to support itself whilst engaging in activities. The entire structure, however, was obviously far too small and flimsy for my human body.

The procedure would've required too much finesse for my drunkenness to allow, so I decided to just pee in the shower.

I peeled off my slightly dusty pants and tossed them in the corner with my shirt. I'd taken off my jacket after I entered the house. That was all my clothes. All my possessions.

I took my shower. Alone with my thoughts.

So alone.

I miss Mike.

I took care of him after Mom and Dad died. Their deaths hit me hard, but Mike Helped me through it. He helped keep me from going insane. He gave me something to come back to.

I calmly washed my short blond hair with Twilight's lavender-scented soap.

Whenever I went out and got drunk, he made sure I got home safely. When I came back home one night full of holes, he'd been willing to fight Dutchy to help me. No small feat, he's an intimidating guy.

I dried off with a very small towel and attempted to wrap it around my waist. I checked the mirror on the wall.

As I looked into the mirror, I noticed something in the corner.

The odd lizard creature from the forest stared at me from the mirror, reclining on a pile of towels. "Hello, John. Settling in nicely, I see."

I turned around, only to find the image in the mirror didn't match the real thing. The towels were barren of any lizard-like chimeras. "How...?"

The creature in the mirror inspected his claws. "I'm using the mirror's reflective surface to communicate with you. It would be too dangerous for me to actually appear with Celestia's little lackey so close."

"Hey, don't be a dick."

It raised a brow. "Oh? Don't tell me that you actually care for the little witch? You're nothing but a specimen to her, John. A frog in a jar, waiting to be dissected. Mark me, my human friend, nothing good comes from associating with ponies."

"They've been a lot nicer to me than you have, snakeskin. How the hell do you know my name, anyway?"

"Come now, John, considering the commotion you've been making around town? It would be a trick for me not to know your name by now. Speaking of which, your little magic friend has told Celestia of your appearance here. She's on her way right now to dispose of you."

"I can handle myself."

"Precisely my point. Regarding that, have you considered my offer from earlier?"

I hadn't really devoted any thought to the subject, being somewhat distracted. I thought of Mike. He probably didn't even know I was gone. If I do what lizard-lips says and get back to Earth quickly, he won't have to miss me, and I can pretend this whole thing was just a bad dream.

"I'll do anything within reason if it'll get me home."

"Good man. Your mission is simple: We need you to take back the Chaos Crowns, six ancient artifacts that were stolen from my people by Celestia several millennia ago. She and her sister feared any power that rivaled their own, so they turned my oldest brother into a statue and imprisoned the rest of my siblings in the pits of Tartarus. I was barely able to escape. Only recently was my brother freed and the spell holding my family hostage broken, unfortunately, it was immediately re-cast. My other brother and sisters were freed however, and we need the crowns to save him and protect ourselves from the Princesses wrath."

Chaos Crown... Where have I heard that before?

"Cool story, bro. But why do you need me again?"

"The Crowns are heavily protected, even me and my siblings powers combined couldn't get through. I'm sure you've discovered the ability unique to your species: Immunity to magic. This immunity renders you invisible to detection spells, and capable of passing directly through even the strongest of wards with no protest."

"So, you want me to steal these 'Chaos Crowns', and then you'll send me back to Earth?"

"Yes, they are imperative to both our needs and yours; my family and I are not powerful enough to send you back on our own. We need their power, and so do you. I believe the Human term is, 'Win-Win'.

"Fine, then. I won't make any promises, but I'll look into it. If I see any crowns that look particularly chaotic, I'll nab 'em and bring 'em to you, capische?"

"Wonderful! However, if you find the Crowns, I shall come to you, as I doubt you could find us at our current hiding place. Good luck, my champion!" In the mirror, the creature opened the window and a pair of reptilian wings unfolded on his back. He waved goodbye and flew away into the night. When I looked back, the window was closed and had no sign of being opened at all.

I still don't trust the little fucker.

Call me suspicious, but my instincts were screaming, and my instincts have been keeping me alive for years. When they speak, I listen. But, if there's no other alternative, I may need to improvise a little in order to get back home in one piece. And I have to get home. For Mike.

John, where are you? His voice echoed in my head, frantic and fearful in a way I'd never heard it before.

"Mike? Is that you? MIKE!"

. . .

"Mike? Is that you? MIKE!"

Twilight heard a loud crash from the upstairs bathroom. "John? What are you doing up there?"

There was a loud thump and a bellow of pain. What if he's in trouble?

Twilight sprinted up the stairs, and hesitated before the closed bathroom door. He's probably naked in there!

Why did this thought send a shiver down her spine?

She shook it away and opened the door. John was seated on the floor, nude as she'd predicted. Her mirror was smashed and his Human blood painted the tiles deep crimson. He stared at his hand, which was cut and bleeding from the broken glass. Hearing her enter, his head snapped sideways at an unnatural angle, and he spoke in an ancient, dead voice.

"Flesh of the King still remains," He clawed at his chest, leaving streaks of his own blood across it, then trailed his hand down his arm, leaving a stripe of. "Blood of the King runs in his veins,"

"Once an evil thought destroyed," He attempted to stand but stumbled, catching himself on the counter. "Soon becomes an evil employed,"

"He shall come in the night, awaken in the day, and consort with the creature he was born to slay." He finally managed to stand. "But the lies will fall on deaf ears, Deception's heart, his blade will pierce!"

John spread his arms, blood dripping from his cut palm and a manic smile on his face. "His heart shall be shielded by his pain, blood shall spill in torrential rain, the greatest evils shall be slain, the Human race shall rise again!"

He bent over at the waist and vomited a putrid black liquid over the floor.

"Ow!" He stood up again and checked the cut on his palm. He looked at the floor, then at Twilight. "I don't remember eating that."

He sighed. "I started spouting poetry again, didn't I?"

"It's getting worse."

. . .

John had to take another shower, then he fell asleep on the guest bed across from Twilight's. The mare herself remained awake, studying John's poem, as well as the black liquid he'd regurgitated. It was almost enough to fill a large jar and it swirled around in it's container under it's own power. Sometimes, it formed human faces that she didn't recognize, and they would whisper terrible things to her. She tried to argue with it, but it refused to listen.

"Why do you obsess so over these silly pursuits, Twilight? Your friends find it obnoxious."

"What are you? How do you know my name?"

"You pursue knowledge doggedly, but to what avail? Everything written eventually fades, everything learned is eventually forgotten. It is pointless."

"Shut up."

"No matter how many books you read, no matter how many spells you learn, he will never love you, Twilight."

Rather than giving the jar a swift kick, like she wanted to so badly, she instead wrapped it in a blanket and stuffed it in a drawer. Turning her head to the poem, she mulled over it's meaning for the hundredth time.

Red eyes, dreaded lies, red balloons in sulfur skies

A cosmic clown, the chaos crown, he turned this world upside down

But, he’s not done, with his fun. Nay, his devilish tricks have just begun

For his childish game, he’ll take the blame; the chosen one cannot be tamed!

Flesh of the King still remains, blood of the King runs in his veins,

Once an evil thought destroyed, soon becomes an evil employed,

He shall come in the night, awaken in the day, and consort with the creature he was born to slay.

But the lies will fall on deaf ears, Deception's heart, his blade will pierce!

His heart shall be shielded by his pain,

Blood shall spill in torrential rain,

The greatest evils shall be slain,

The Human race shall rise again!

The first two verses was likely talking about Discord, or perhaps some other draconequus. Were there other draconequi?

The next verse chilled Twilight to the bone. Was this poem a prophecy? Was Discord going to return?

It also spoke of of a Chosen One, perhaps Twilight herself, but likely John. The flesh and blood lines confused her, as did the ones about evil, but the coming in the night and awakening in the day described his coming to the world well.

Twilight could not figure out what the rest meant. She sighed and closed the notebook that bore her cutie mark. She blew out the candle and worked her way up the stairs by the moonlight filtering in through the windows. The candle in her room was still lit. When she entered, she noticed that John was still awake, sitting on the bed and looking through his wallet. His shirt, socks and shoes were off and neatly stacked beside the bed, but he still wore his pants. His rounded, smooth musculature caught the shadows nicely, and his face sparkled in the candlelight.

Seeing her enter, he wiped his face and the sparkles disappeared. "I wasn't crying."

"Sure."

"Seriously."

"Whatever you say, John. Regardless, do you want to talk about it? It might help."

He sighed and wiped his face again. "That's what they say, isn't it?"

She opened the notebook again and magically pulled her hair into a bun. Conjuring a quill and a pair of reading glasses she didn't need, she jumped up onto the bed and curled up, getting comfy. This display prompted a small smile and a chuckle from John.

"Heh. That's a good look for you, Twi. Cute."

She blushed at the compliment. Stallions didn't often compliment her on her looks.

. . .

D'aww, wook at her with her cute widdle glasses!

Girls hate it when you squeeze their buns, but I REALLY wanna squeeze that bun.

. . .

He reached over and softly squeezed her bun. "Honk. Sorry, I couldn't resist."

Twilight cleared her throat and readjusted the bun. "Alright, then. You should start with what's bothering you. What were you sad about when you were cr-"

"I wasn't crying." He reminded her.

"What upset you so badly?"

John apparently wasn't very good at expressing his feelings. "Alright. Well. I'm just here, in this world, don'tcha know, and... I don't know If I'll ever get back. I got out my wallet and I saw the family picture, I saw Mike and... I'm worried I'll never see my little brother again. You got any brothers or sisters, girl?"

"Just one. My older brother. I haven't seen him in a while."

"How would you feel if you were in my position? Stuck on some weird planet where nothing makes sense, and there's a good chance you might never see any of the people you love again?"

Twilight was beginning to understand to scope of John's plight. Never able to see Shining Armor again? Never again able to hear Fluttershys tiny voice, or Pinkie Pie's laughter? John must have had friends he loved back on earth, too. "I'd feel absolutely terrible."

"And I can't do anything about it. I don't remember how I got here, almost all the locals won't even look at me, and Mike is probably worried sick."

Twilight took off her glasses. This was beyond her expertise. What would Princess Celestia do?

"Princess Celestia!"

John leaned up at her outburst. "Hm?"

"Princess Celestia might know how to get you home!"

"What makes you think that?"

"She's an immortal ruler with the power to raise the sun, maybe she knows how to make a portal or something? I don't know, John, but I just have a feeling she'll be able to help you. I'll write a letter to her right now!"

. . .

"Is my carriage ready?"

The Peppermint Butler was struggling to keep up with the long, purposeful stride of his princess, currently she was giving him a rather unfortunately good view of her rump as she hurried through the halls of her castle to her personal armory. "Of course. Goldenrod Squad is ready to move on a moments notice, your armor is prepared, and the ballistae are loaded and stallioned."

"Good." She reached the door to her personal armory and opened it with her magic. There her armor stood, in all of its glory. I was golden, and it curled and flowed, shining bright like the sun itself. It had been nearly four thousand years since she'd last donned it, yet it was well-maintained and was just as beautiful as ever. "Peppermint, if you please."

Peppermint shrugged out of his coat. "Your wish is my command, Highness."

He removed her regalia gingerly. Most ponies didn't know this, but the royal garments burn with the fire of the sun to mortal hooves. Few were allowed to see a princess without them. Peppermint marveled at his princesses wild beauty when the pieces were removed. She was the most noble and beautiful creature she'd ever seen. He didn't deserve to look upon her, let alone be her butler.

He picked up the chain mail shirt in his teeth and pulled it over her head. He helped her put her hooves through the sleeves and buckled the skirt to it. The plate mail was belted on and the weapons were sheathed soon after.

"You will be careful, Highness?"

"Even if I'm not, I have my butler to take care of me."

"Highness, you don't mean... I... I shall accompany you?" Peppermint hadn't dared to hope.

"Of course, Pepper. We will both have a chance at vengeance this day."

Peppermint's pale face stretched into a wide grin, clearly displaying his sharp, carnivorous teeth. There was a reason why the Peppermint Butler never smiled.

"Then I shall fetch my best coat." Of course, the situation called for fancy dress.

It isn't every day that one meets their maker.

. . .

John fell asleep to hopeful thoughts.

At least, Twilight hoped so. So far, the Human's emotions had been very difficult to read. Nonetheless, his grumbling snore resonated though the room quietly, like the purring of a content cat.

She pulled the notebook from the shelf and gazed at it again. It's not like she was going to get any sleep anyway. Not with such an exciting specimen snoring softly in front of her.

Truly exciting.

She opened the notebook to the page where she'd sketched him naked.

Why did she have these feelings? What was wrong with her?

What would the Princess think?

These questions, nor their answers, did nothing to put out the burning flame of desire in her heart, or the raging inferno between her legs. She looked at the Human's accurately sketched penis, she imagined the spear-shaped head piercing her, filling her with the glorious pain and pleasure of her first intercourse...

I'm having sexual fantasies about an interdimensional alien. Twilight Sparkle realized this and accepted it.

She considered going to him, waking him up, and asking for sex. Then she realized this might not be a good idea. She considered attempting intercourse while he slept. Then she realized this also might not be a good idea. So, she did what any shut-in, horny virgin would do.

Masturbating to an image of John was easier once she committed to it.

His hands ran up her body, like warm tingly spiders, taking her breath away. His hot, smoke-scented breath whispering to her, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Absolutely," She'd reply.

The fur about his mouth would tickle her lips as he kissed her passionately, she would feel his teeth, pointy, but not quite sharp, his tongue, soft and hot. His hand would run down and around her rump, and his long, rounded fingers begin pleasuring her in both her holes. Those hot, foreign objects, so strong, moving gently back and forth within her forbidden forest, lubricated by the sweet-smelling rain that fell within. He wouldn't break the love-seal. Not at first.

"Ah! Not so fast! At this rate, I'll..."

"Well, we can't let that happen right away, can we?" He'd kiss her again, softly, tenderly. He'd gently position herself over her and hold her tightly.

"I'm going to enter you now. And I'm not leaving until you cum." He'd say, in exactly the way she always dreamed a stallion would. Just like Bloodletter said to Aortic Valve. He'd enter her slowly, carefully, so as not to hurt her. the spearhead of his penis would part her hymen like a scalpel, painlessly and bloodlessly. He'd go in and out and in and out, filling her and leaving her wanting more. She would feel him get closer and closer until neither of them could stand it any more, and then they would cum together.

"Twilight!" He'd scream in ecstasy, as his love filled her from the bottom up.

"John!" She'd say softly, wrapping her hooves around him.

And there they'd lay, basking in the afterglow they created together.

. . .

People are often surprised to find out that I'm a light sleeper. Maybe it's because I'm so big, or maybe I just seem like a really mellow person, but people often just assume I sleep like a rock. But often I'm woken up in the middle of the night by the smallest of noises.

This time, it was a quiet whisper from Twilight. "Absolutely,"

Who the fuck is she talking to this late at night? I leaned up and turned my head. Twilight's hoof was between her legs, and there was a notebook on the bed beside her.

A notebook with her cutie mark on the cover.

Her hoof began to rub faster. "Ah! Not so fast! At this rate, I'll..."

As I recall, there are nudies of me in there.

Her body tensed up. "John!"

Only nudies.

It took a moment for my sleep-addled mind to process this.

ಠ_ಠ

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOD SHE'S SLAPPING THE CLAM AND I'M THE OBJECT OF A HORSE'S SEXUAL FANTASIES WHAT THE FUCK

-Crack-

. . .

Twilight rode the wave of her afterglow for a few minutes. She opened her eyes and put her notebook away. Now she could sleep in peace. A quiet night before the long day that await her.

Quiet night.

John wasn't snoring anymore.

Twilight looked to the absence of noise that was the human. There he lay, fully awake. His mane was mussed and his jaw was nearly on the floor. He'd seen everything, she knew it.

"John... I..."

. . .

Brain: (Screaming.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Mouth: (Rocking back and forth in the corner.) Get them out, get them out, I can feel them fluttering around inside me, like pretty little butterflies, blue ones, yellow ones, red the color of blood, warm, tasty blood...

Dick: (There is an audible popping noise as his mind fizzles out, and he falls to the floor, unconscious.)

Balls: (Sobbing.) You know, (Sniff.) I never wanted this job, (Sob.) when I was little, (Sniff.) I always wanted to be a dancer. I had a cute little outfit and everything.

Ass: (Puffing indignantly on his pipe.) My word, how indecent! I understand that ladies have their needs, but they should satisfy themselves in private! I mean, really!

Heart: Aww! She likes us!

. . .

His mouth closed slowly. Then it opened again, before closing once more. He looked at Spike, who slept peacefully. He looked out the window at the moon shining through. He looked back at Twilight, who'd frozen with her hoof between her legs. He nodded sagely.

He laid his head back on the pillow.

His soft, purring snore permeated the room once again

. . .

Mike actually convinced me to have a beer or two before I reminded him I needed to drive home. Apparently, someone needs to be missing for at least forty-eight hours before the police get involved. But I felt in my gut that John might not last that long, wherever he is.

My passenger door suddenly opened and an old friend entered. I was driving down the highway at seventy miles and hour. "Hallo, Michael."

I jumped at his sudden, very unexpected entrance. "Sebastian! How the fuck-"

"Well, I wasn't going to try to flag you down! You're on the autobaan!"

"My point exactly!" I sighed and chalked it up as 'Typical Sebastian,' entering a movie car at highway speeds and acting as if he did it everyday. Hell, as far as I know, he does. "Whatever, what do you want?"

Sebastian made a pouty face that did not fit on his grizzled, scarred features. "Oh, Michael, you cruel boy! Is that any way to treat your old friend? Het brutaliteit!"

"You jumped into a moving car for a friendly chat?"

"Damn you and your logic." His face became serious. "As you know, Johnathan has gone missing. Do you know his whereabouts?"

"What makes you think I'd know? I've been looking for him all day so far!" I sighed.

Sebastian looked out the window, frowning. "Then the situation is worse than I thought."

He was silent for a few seconds. Then he turned to me again.

"Michael, I promised your brother I wouldn't get you involved, but this is very important; Johnathan is strong, intelligent, and well-trained, he could survive any situation thrown at him, especially if he had incentive. And I can assure you, he is alive. If he was dead, we could find him, but his tracker will not respond, and he does not answer phone calls. It is as if he dropped off the Earth entirely. Which means there are only a few places he could have gone."

"Wouldn't 'dropped off the Earth' imply he disappeared?"

"People don't just 'disappear,' Michael. Not to me. If you do not know where John is, then I have a very busy night ahead of me. I will find your brother, Michael, I promise." He gave me a pat on the shoulder and changed the subject. "So, how are you and Ariel going? Goed?"

"Yeah, pretty good, We've been thinking of getting a pet."

"Ooh, a pet? I'd recommend a pig!"

"A pig?"

"Yes, of course! Very popular back in Europa. Intelligent, easy to train, no shedding, no leg-humping. But on the subject of humping, how is de seks?"

My face turned red. "What? The what?"

"The sex, Michael, how is it? Did it change now that you're married? Is it better? Worse? Does she let you go to new places? Hijg! Don't tell me you haven't yet?"

"Of course we have, Seb! Before we got married, even. She's very good in bed! Now that we tied the knot, well, I guess it happens a lot more frequently, pretty much every night."

"Anything interesting?"

"Pretty vanilla, I suppose. There's also... oral, sometimes. Mostly on my end." My cheeks got red again. My three C's: cooking, cleaning, and cunnilingus. Not that I mind.

"Ah, a gentleman! Goed, zeer goed. Have you considered my offer for the spel met drieën?"

"I dunno, Seb. I mean, I just got her to myself, you know, I'm not sure I'm willing to share her just yet."

"Aww, je bent niet leuk. I could make you both feel heel goed."

"I appreciate the offer, though. Maybe another time?"

"Bedankt, vriendin. To be honest, I've been thinking of settling down myself. John convincing me to retire was probably the best and nicest thing he could have done for me, if only I could find a fijn stuk van aars like your Ariel. Something to come back to, ja?" He elbowed me in the shoulder. I smiled and nodded.

"I'm sure you'll find her, Seb. With your charm and... good looks... I'm sure you're probably rolling in honeys!"

He took the jibe as a serious compliment. "Hm. Sometimes, that is the problem. Niettemin, until then, I shall continue my life of lechery!" He opened the door, letting in the wind of the car's speed.

"And speaking of lechery, give this to your wife!" He grabbed my shirt and pulled me in for a passionate kiss.

When he was done, I wiped my mouth. "Sebastian, what did I tell you about sticking your tongue down my throat?"

He leaned out of the car and called over the wind, "You should have learned by now, Michael: I never fucking listen!" And with that, he laughed and launched himself out of the moving vehicle, shutting the door behind him.

I couldn't help but laugh, too, despite the situation. Sebastian is like that.

. . .

Sebastian rolled to his feet, then watched as his best friend's brother faded into the distance. Despite his light conversation with Michael, he was not happy. Quite the opposite, he was very upset.

He pulled out his phone and called Èbène. "Michael was a no-go."

"Damn! He would not lie to you?"

"Never. Give Donovan a call, and Echo, if you can get a hold of him."

"I'll see what I can do. We're going to need everyone?"

"Not everyone, my dear, just the ones who care. We can't risk word of us getting back together reaching the Big Man. He would do his best to thwart us, and you've seen his best."

"I've always wondered, why does the Big Man hate John so much? It can't just be just some sort of alpha-male rivalry..."

"Big Man fears what he cannot control, and he hates being afraid. It is why he always hated me."

. . .

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Dinner's on the table!"

"Ooh, my favorite! Are you going to join me?"

"Of course, just lemme finish up this part... Done." I took off my glasses and wiped my face. Ariel entered the room, and wrapped her arms around me, pressing her breasts on my neck from behind my desk chair.

"The Final Stand? You only do this one when you're sad..." The Final Stand was a video game I was working on where the main character has to survive the alien apocalypse and is forced to watch his friends be killed off one by one.. And she was right, I could only get the dreary feeling of the game right when I was upset about something.

"You couldn't find him, could you?" I nodded. "Oh, baby..."

"Sebastian promised that he'd find him, and you know how Sebastian is. Speaking of which, he wanted me to give you this," I leaned up and gave her a long kiss, not unlike the one Seb gave me.

When we finished, she minimized The Final Stand and beckoned me with a finger. "Come downstairs, I have a surprise for you."

I went down the stairs into the living room. There was a teenage girl waiting for me, with small duffel bag at her feet. She was Japanese, probably about sixteen, wearing bright colored clothing, and totally kawaii. She didn't notice me, due to her eyes being closed and her head being wrapped in massive headphones. "Um, Honey? Who's this?"

Ariel came in from the kitchen. "This is Nakami Oroshi, from my math class. She's going to be staying with us for a while."

"Not that I mind, but why?"

"She's having trouble at home, and she doesn't have anywhere else to go." Ariel gently nudged the girl to get her attention. She opened her eyes and took off her headphones. "Nakami, I'd like you to meet my husband, Michael."

Nakami stood and turned to look at me. Then she squealed and hid behind my wife. "That's Michael Salem!"

"Um, yeah. That's me."

Nakami glared at Ariel. "Mrs. Salem, how come you never told me you were married to THE Michael Salem, the CEO and president of CountUp Studios?"

CountUp Studios was an online company I started by borrowing money from John, and is now the largest completely internet-based entertainment organisation in North America, and possibly the world.

I didn't plan on getting famous with it, I just realized that there was so much good, creative stuff in the online community that wasn't being represented, so basically, I hired a bunch of prospective artists from various fields, threw them in a pile, and said 'go'. The whole thing pretty much snowballed from there, as we needed to hire more and more people to keep up with demand. We did video games, movies, music, novels, and even live showings. While much of our content was not mine, and thanks to my contributors, the company pretty much ran itself, every once in a while I'd lead a project and it would immediately shoot to the top of the traffic list.

"Well, you know our last name, but other than that, you never asked!"

Disregarding this, Nakami ran to me and held out her hand. "Mr. Salem, my name is Nakami, and I'd gladly have your babies!" She blushed red and began stammering. I smiled.

"That's nice, but I already have someone for that."

"Wait, NO! What I meant to say was, I'm your biggest fan! I have all your games and stories! I'm subscribed to your Vlog and I'm following you on Twitter!"

"Well, it's great to meet you, Nakami. From what I hear, you'll be staying for a while?"

"Um, yeah, my mom found out my dad's been... running around, and, well, she kicked him out, but now, all she does is cry all the time. And it's not like she's been the most faithful either."

"I take it you don't want to take sides?"

"Yeah."

"Well, if you're gonna be staying here, we're gonna have to get you used to my cooking!" I gestured to the kitchen.

"Wow, you're just as nice as you are on the Internet!" She observed as I set her a place.

"I try." I winked at her, getting a bright red blush for my efforts

Dinner was far from quiet, Nakami barely gave my any time to my food, what with her interest in my company and my in general. Then, after dinner, she convinced me to tuck her in and give her a good night kiss. I even read her a short excerpt from Butterfly Kisses by Michael Salem, (my only romance novel so far) for good measure.

"Yoi yoru, Nakami.'

She giggled at my Japanese, and that was that.

I went to my bedroom and peeled off my clothes. Ariel was still in the bathroom.

"Yeah, Nakami's a bit of a handful, huh?"

"Tell me about it, babe. Thought the kid would never get to sleep."

"I think she likes you."

"Now, what makes you think something silly like that?"

Ariel, exited the bathroom, completely nude and bouncing. No matter how many times I see her naked, it still takes my breath away, and probably will until the day I die.

"Well, let's see, just off the top of my head; You're nice, you're handsome, and a true gentleman." She backed me onto the bed like a prowling tiger. "You're funny, your glasses are cute, you have nice teeth, a soft voice, and gentle hands."

"Your abs are yummy, you have a nice butt, and pretty eyes." She laid a quick peppering of kisses up my neck. "You have sensitive nipples, you know how to treat a lady, and you have a great... big..."

"Heart?" I supplied with a grin. Ariel giggled. Nailed it.

"No, silly. I was going to say, you have a great, big, throbbing cock, and I want it inside me, right now."

I reached for the condoms on the bedside table. "Your wish is my command, your highness."

She grabbed my reaching hand and guided it away from the condoms, and instead, to her breast.

"Not tonight. It's going to be special from now on."

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life."

...And It's WAY Too Early For This Shit

Dawn of the second day. Who the hell knows how many hours remain.

Well, actually a little past dawn. More like eleven-thirty. I pulled my shirt on and borrowed Twilight's hairbrush to get my hair straight. I pulled on my socks and shoes, too. Even though I was safe at Twilight's, I felt antsy leaving any of my stuff just lying around. So, I went downstairs to fetch my coat.

Spike and Twilight weren't in their beds, so I had to assume they were the 'early riser' types. I scooped up my coat from the living room and strolled into the kitchen, where Spike was cooking lunch. Twilight sat with a mugful of coffee.

I pulled up a chair and sat down.

Looooooooong. Aaaawwwwkwwaaaard. Siiiiiiiiiileeeeence.

Spike placed a stack of sandwiches in the center of the table. Twilight broke the silence. "Oh, shoot, Spike! I just remembered that we're out of jam! Could you get some from the cellar, please?"

"Yeah, sure, Twilight." The dragon left, leaving me alone. With her.

Twilight levitated a jar of jam out from under the table. "Listen, John, about last night..."

"I really don't wanna talk about it."

"I just wanted to ask if this will affect our friendship."

"It won't if you let me forget about it already!" I rubbed my temples. "Look, if it means that much to you, it's not the first time that I've seen someone in a private moment like that, and it's not a big deal. Even I have needs, but honestly, up until this point, I didn't think that you people were capable of that sort of thing, what with the hooves and all!"

"John, when you say it like that, you sound kind of racist."

I shot out of my chair and grabbed her by the withers, shaking her. "Don't you understand, Twilight? YOU! ARE! A! HOOOOOORSE!"

I set her down and ran out of the kitchen.

. . .

Spike came back with a jar of jam. "Oh, hey. You found the jam. I guess we didn't need a new jar after all! Where was John going in such a hurry?"

Twilight had her head in her hooves. "I think I broke him."

. . .

They finally broke me.

I can't take it anymore.

I need to get out of here.

I flung open the door, only to see a pair of stallions clad in gold armor about to knock. While they had an authoritative feel about them, they seemed surprised at my sudden appearance.

"Are you John the Human?" one of them asked.

. . .

"Highness, the ballistae are set up and the guard have surrounded the library and cleared the streets. However, the extraction team has yet to report the safety of Miss Sparkle." Peppermint checked his pocket-watch impatiently.

"We won't move until Twilight and Spike are safe, understood?" Celestia was fully clad in armor and had a beautiful, determined look in her eyes.

"Of course, Highness. Their well-being, and that of the townsfolk is of the utmost concern. On a similar note, is collateral damage to be avoided as well?"

"As much as possible, but it is not priority."

"Excellent. What is our plan of attack?"

"The Guard are mainly to control the townsfolk, and to clean up our mess. We will use the ballistae to keep him pinned, then you will move for the kill. If all else fails, I will subdue him myself."

"Good. Simple, overwhelming force. It is very fitting, don't you think, Highness?"

"Agreed, Peppermint."

. . .

"Are you John the Human?" one of them asked.

"Um... No?"

He pulled out a piece of paper and checked it. "You match his description rather accurately."

"Gimme that." I snatched the paper away from him. On it was a very detailed sketch of yours truly. I stuffed it in my mouth and slammed the door. "Mo pholiphitors!"

I swallowed and ran back into the kitchen. "Twilight, they found me!"

Twilight and Spike were both pinned down by gold-clad stallions. I snarled. "GITCHER FUCKIN' PAWS OFF THEM!"

Twilight bit one of the stallions on the hoof. "John, RUN! They're going to-"

The armored pony wrapped her face with his hoof again and dragged her out the window. They won't hurt her. Run, my instincts told me. So, I about-faced and ran up the stairs. My UNJO training had memorized the layout of the house, and there was no back door. I'd need a window. Bedroom.

I vaulted Twilight's bed, then dived out the window without breaking stride.

"America!"

I rolled to absorb the shock, then continued running. I cleared the street in less than a second.

"There it is! Out the back window!"

I used my momentum to run up a wall and grab a gutter, then I pulled myself up onto one of the roofs.

"Now it's up on the roof!"

"He's fast!"

Ever played Assassin's Creed? The shingles clicked beneath my feet as I leapt from roof to roof. Several pegasi in gold armor caught up with me and started hounding me, trying to knock me off. If only I had my gun...

I could at least scare them by firing a warning shot. I reached a rather flat house to defend myself on. A pegasus dive-bombed me.

I caught him by the throat and snarled. "Fuck. Off."

He stared back, paralyzed with fear, not even bothering to understand the words. I tossed him away, and continued running. The pegasi gave me space after that. Then I noticed the airships.

Four of them, like crosses between blimps and whales, and each carried a giant, loaded crossbow underneath.

I heard a yell, too distant to make out, the a loud Kuh-chung! as one of the crossbows fired.

I used it's whistling to judge its distance and dodged at the last moment. The javelin tore through the roofing beneath my feet. Unfortunately, the impact loosened the shingles, and I stumbled. Just enough to completely lose my footing. I tumbled from the rooftop and into the alleyway below, landing hard on my back.

"Oof!" I stood and tried to catch my breath.

I looked up and out of the alleyway into the marketplace, empty due to all the commotion. If I went there, there would be greater visibility and more room to fight, but I'd be wide open to the crossbows, whereas if I stayed between the buildings, I'd have cover from the crossbows, but it'd be cramped, and I might get cornered or lost.

I decided to risk the javelins. I paused for another moment until the pain in my spine subsided, then dashed into the clearing that was the Ponyville Marketplace. The whale-blimps turned slowly to face me. I noticed that the one that fired on me wasn't reloaded yet. It must take a while to reload a giant crossbow. That gave me an idea.

[Feel free to begin playing the epic music of your choice at this point.]

"C'MON, YOU FOUR-LEGGED FUCKS! GIMME YOUR BEST DAMN SHOT!" I bellowed at them, making sure they heard. I ran to the middle of the marketplace and waved my arms. They seemed to take a hint.

Kuh-chung!

Kuh-chung!

Kuh-chung!

The blimps were at enough of a distance that, even though they fired almost simultaneously, the javelins would reach me at different times. I breathed in deeply and concentrated.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

The whistle preceding my impending impalement was it's own downfall. Jump up, stiff palms down, arc spine upward. Push.

I pushed down on the javelin, driving it into the ground between my legs, rather than into my stomach. I vaulted backwards off of it, using it's momentum to flip me out of the way. No time to celebrate, though.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Number Two was on its way. Wait until it's close, squat down, left palm to ground for stability, right fist up. Concentrate.

The two-inch thick dowel of hardwood that was the body of the bolt shattered like particle board above my head, the two pieces spinning away to the cobblestones behind me. I stood and dusted myself off.

sssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Final shot. No more fucking around. Shift footing outward for greater stability, right arm backward, left hand forward.

The iron tip of the enormous arrow pierced the skin of my palm.

And then it stopped. A lightning bolt of pain rocked up my arm all the way into my chest, before dissipating in my ribcage. The javelin clattered to the ground. I checked my hand. There was a small cut, about an inch long and bleeding slightly. I shook it to relieve any lingering pain.

. . .

"That's... impossible..." Celestia's gaped at the sight before her. The Human. Alive.

"Highness?" Peppermint hadn't seen the Princess look so surprised in several centuries.

"He just stopped three fully-drawn ballista bolts with his bare hands. No normal Human could do that."

"Perhaps he is not a normal Human? Their magic is very powerful." Peppermint gestured to himself.

"You mean, he is some sort of super-soldier? The vanguard of their invasion?" Her brow furrowed.

"That does seem like something they would do. Send a single, unstoppable soldier to make demands before the main force arrives." Peppermint gazed back at the human from their vantage point on the rooftop, out of sight, but ready to intervene at a moment's notice. But why would he run? he thought to himself.

"Then it is good I have you here. The ballistae, apparently, are no longer effective. You know what to do."

Peppermint cracked his neck. "With pleasure, your Highness."

. . .

The blimps turned back and flew off. Little bitches.

I was about to walk away when golden-armored soldiers started pouring out of the alleyway on either side of me. These ones appeared to be the no-wings no-horn kind of pony. Normal ponies.

They had spears on some sort of rotating apparatus on their sides. Within seconds, I was surrounded by an impenetrable wall of faceless, silent mooks bristling with pointy objects. I was about to pick a random direction to become my door when I heard a voice.

"I did not think the human race to be so arrogant as to send a single man against all of Equestria and expect to succeed." A white pony in a fancy jacket leapt over the spear-studded wall of stallions. He smirked at me. "But, then again, I've overestimated your kind before."

"You know about humans?" My stance relaxed a little.

"Of course. I've fought them." He circled me, slowly and calmly.

"Are you sure we're talking about the same humans? Because I definitely didn't know anything about you guys until I got here." Something about this guy had me on edge. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"Oh, I'm absolutely certain. How could one forget that smell, like the dried flesh of loved ones, and the chemical stink of your disgusting, unnatural magic? It pulses from you like blood from an artery."

"Alright, I get it, you're a monologuer. Can we save this for another time? I'm about to become a living pincushion, and I need to get the hell out of Dodge."

"Oh, no, these fine young stallions won't kill you. They're just keeping you from escaping."

"Well, they're not doing a good job, considering I could probably do exactly that by picking a direction and walking."

"Your arrogance is misplaced, Human."

"On the contrary, pony, considering you brought this many guys to take me out, I must be a pretty big deal. I think that your arrogance is misplaced. Big, bad human, and they send one guy to take me on?"

"No, Human, they sent me!" He shifted his footing to a predator's stance and opened his mouth, revealing a large set of sharp fangs.

"Well, that's definitely new."

He leapt at me with the ferocity of a jungle cat, and I threw out my arm to protect myself. He clamped onto it. The teeth failed to penetrate through my coat, but he had a powerful bite. I grabbed him by the throat and tried to pry him off.

"Hey! Looking's free, but touching's gonna cost you!"

He let go and wriggled free of my grip. "What kind of clothing is that? Obviously not normal skin... perhaps some sort of enchanted material..."

I rubbed the worn surface of my coat. "Oh, you like? One-hundred-percent leather, with a little bit of nanocarbon for strength. Souvenir from my UNJO days, they're real cool about the 'casual workplace attire' thing."

"Hmm. Interesting." He stooped his neck and bit my leg.

"Okay, I really didn't want to hurt you, but you're starting to piss me off. I don't even wanna fucking be here."

I shook him off and lifted him up by the mane. I punched him in the gut and gave him a knee to the solar plexus. I let him fall to the ground, then scooped him up with my foot, launching him into the air. I then caught him mid-flight with a spinning roundhouse kick, sending him flying head-first into the nearest house.

Surprisingly, rather than making a bloody splat, he put a large hole in the wall.

. . .

"Princess! What's going on? Why are the guards attacking John?" The pegasus troopers had successfully extracted Twilight and her young dragon assistant, and deposited her safely on the rooftop, away from the fighting.

Celestia stared straight ahead as she stated matter-of-factly."The guards have been specifically ordered not to attack the Human. Without the proper equipment or training, they would just get themselves killed."

"K-killed?" Twilight's voice broke as she looked back toward the marketplace. She gasped as she watched John launch the well-dressed pony through the Quill and Sofa store. Then, she watched the pony pull himself from the rubble and launch himself at the Human again, clamping onto John's neck with his mouth, like some sort of predatory animal.

"Yes, killed, Twilight. There are not many ponies in my service who could take on a human, and even fewer that I could trust to do the job. Unfortunately, Peppermint seems to be having difficulties, I may be forced to intervene." John held Peppermint by the neck and was beating him savagely across the face. "I must go assist my butler. I promise that I will do my best not to kill your new friend."

"Why would you kill him? He's just defending himself!"

"You will understand soon, Twilight, but I do not have time to explain. Besides, he still needs to tell me where the others are."

The Princess of the Sun took flight, and headed straight for her oldest enemy, and her greatest fear.

. . .

"YOU." Smack.

"WILL." Smack.

"NEVER." Smack.

"SPEAK." Smack.

"OF." Smack.

"MY." Smack.

"MOTHER." Smack.

"AGAIN." Smack.

"Look me in the eyes, you little shit, that's right. Now, say you're sorry before I get really mad." The little pig-fucker spat out a tooth and swallowed a mouthful of blood, eyes full of contempt. Unlike most ponies, whose blood was sort of off-white shot-through with rainbow, this guy's blood was straight black. That, plus his sharpened teeth had me convinced he wasn't normal.

"I apologize for insulting your mother." He was oddly composed for a guy who just got his ass handed to him.

"I'm not sure why you're telling me that. Tell my mom, she's the one you called a 'bipedal spawner of monsters'."

"I, Peppermint the Butler, do humbly apologize to the Human's mother for my hurtful statements previously." I wrapped my free hand around one of his hind legs and twisted. He screamed as the bones popped and the limb bent backwards.

"Count yourself lucky that I'm trying to make a good impression, otherwise I'd have done more than break your leg." I dropped him to the ground just as another pony arrived.

This one was much taller, almost tall enough to look me in the eyes. She was pure white and was wearing golden armor like the guards. Oddly, she had wings and a horn, something I hadn't seen before, usually it was either or none.

I greeted her casually. "Hey, what's goin' on?"

This seemed to throw her off. "Hello..."

"You with these assholes, sugar?" I jerked my head toward the guards that surrounded us. They'd been still as statues since they showed up.

"Ah, yes, they're my Solar Guard. I sent them here to keep you from escaping while Peppermint... Peppermint!"

Her eyes suddenly jumped to the pompous douche-pony whose clock I just thoroughly cleaned. He became sheathed in a yellow glow as she levitated him nearer to her. He cringed at the sudden movement.

I decided to let them have their moment.

"High...ness..." He reached up with a hoof and stroked her muzzle.

"Save your energy, Peppermint. It's going to be alright." The yellow glow intensified.

"No... Highness... You will need... all of your strength... to fight him. He's like... Nothing I've ever seen." His eyes closed and he went limp. Drama queen.

The tall one set him down gently and turned to me. "You will pay for what you have done, Human."

"Oh, calm down, I just broke his leg. Nobody ever died from a broken leg."

"Nonetheless, you've hurt my friend, and that cannot go unpunished. Prepare for battle."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." I rolled my neck and bounced on my toes. She pawed the ground like a bull before charging me, horn-first. Bad idea.

I sidestepped and wrapped one arm around her long neck, and the other around her middle. I shifted my foot back, redirecting her forward momentum into upward momentum. Still holding her, I turned her in mid-air and brought her down on my knee, hard. The impact sent a shock through my leg, but a loud clang told me that I'd put a literal dent in the armor.

But I didn't stop there, not while she was stunned. I grabbed the collar and the hem of her armor and stood up, lifting her fully. She was lighter than she looked, even though she was covered head-to-toe in metal. Digging in my heels, I began spinning her, SM64-style. Once I'd built enough momentum, I released her, sending her crashing through the phalanx of guards. They scattered like bowling pins.

She rolled to her feet and turned to face me. She looked pissed.

"Drop your weapons and get to a safe distance," She ordered her soldiers. The cleared out as quickly as they appeared, leaving their spears behind. Within seconds, every one of the dozens of said spears was being levitated in a yellow glow.

And aimed directly at me.

I sighed.

. . .

Twilight couldn't stand her two friends fighting. She needed to do something. She turned to the nearest guard, hoping for a response.

"You! Fly me down there!" she barked. The guard didn't respond. "Fine! I'll go myself!"

However, just as she was bout to leap off the building, the guard wrapped his hooves around her. "I'm sorry, Miss, I've been ordered not to let you leave."

"Let go of me! My brother's the Captain of the Guard!"

"Well, then, you can take it up with him when this is over, but for now, orders are orders."

"I'm really, really sorry!"

The guard what about to ask what she meant, when Twilight bucked him in the face and then blasted him off the roof. Spike took this as a cue to turn his guard into a living, green blowtorch. He jumped away from the flaming stallion and onto Twilight's back. "We are gonna get in sooooooo much trouble."

"That's not important right now! We need to get them to stop before they kill each other!" She cast a 'Light as a Feather' spell and jumped from the roof, hitting the ground running. She sprinted to the marketplace as fast as she could.

John held a cart above his head to protect himself from the projectiles that were being hurled at him. When the barrage ended, he tossed it aside and scooped one of the spears up, hefting it. He took aim and hurled it at the Princess. She tried to dodge, but somehow, his normal throw was faster and more accurate than her magic-assisted ones. It caught her directly in the wing with a gut-wrenching thunk.

Celestia cried out and fell to the ground, however, she quickly recovered her feet and yanked the spear out with her magic.

"Aww, did the poor widdle pony lose her air superiority? That's just too bad."

She tossed the spear aside, her wound already beginning to heal. Twilight had never seen the Princess bleed before. Her immortal ichor was silver, like melted metal. "Not for long, Human. Besides, I don't need to fly to defeat you."

"Big talk from someone who's been doing it the whole time. Can you back that little statement up, sunshine?"

Celestia snorted and charged him again. John met her halfway, this time catching her by the horn, then spinning and wrapping his tree-like arm around her neck. Unlike with Twilight, it wasn't an accident. He twisted Celestia's giant horn to the side. Twilight could barely hear the bone cracking over her Princess's scream of agony.

"Stop it! Stop fighting!" She cried, but they couldn't hear her.

Celestia kicked backwards, directly into John's genitals, causing him to let out a huff of air followed by a small squeak. He doubled over at the waist, wheezing. Celestia kicked again, knocking him onto his back.

"Stop it!" Twilight screamed. Again, they couldn't hear her.

Celestia pounced on the human, pinning his arms. However, as she failed to pin his legs, his foot kicked up and buried itself in the Princess's vagina. Using this as a distraction, he worked his hand free and punched her in the face with enough force to knock her off.

"STOP!" This time, Twilight's voice echoed so loudly that Spike nearly went deaf. Up until that moment, he'd only had eyes for the epic battle in front of him, but as he wrenched himself away, he noticed that Twilight's eyes glowed white with pure power, and her face was a blank mask.

This had only happened twice before in Twilight's life. She was but a vessel, as the power of gods was forced through her pitiful mortal form. The power was so immense, that if Twilight had been capable of fear at that point, she would have feared it would tear her apart.

Twilight Sparkle held eternity in her hooves. The sky darkened as Rainclouds formed above the unicorns head. The Princess and the Human watched Spike jump clear just as she began to hover above the ground. John and Celestia both ran to her, their battle forgotten.

"Twilight!" They cried simultaneously.

John reached out to touch her, but stopped himself at the last moment."The fuck is wrong with her!?"

There was a glint of genuine fear in Celestia's eyes.

"It seems our fighting has upset her to the point that her emotions have taken control of her powers. If Twilight were a normal Unicorn, we would take cover and let her have her tantrum, but I fear with the amount of magic that Twilight commands, such an event could destroy all of Ponyville, you, me, and Twilight included." She looked sideways at the Human. "Well, maybe not you."

"Hmm. You got a point, sugar." He grinned. "If that's the case, then I'm about to do something either really stupid or really smart."

John leaped up and pulled Twilight back to the ground. He wrapped his body around hers in a tight hug. She was so small for something so powerful. John could actually feel the energy emanating from her.

Why does he care? thought Celestia. The torrent of magical force caused by Twilight's meltdown would have been ample time for him to escape, and he wouldn't be affected by the destruction in the slightest. The explosion would erase his trail, and anyone stupid enough to try to follow him, so why did he bother?

His null-magic field slowly began to leech the destructive force away, just as he'd hoped. The white light seeped from her eyes as they drifted shut, and the dark clouds in the sky disappeared.

The little Unicorn slumped in John's arms, a dead weight. She whimpered. "Please... just... stop fighting."

"It's okay, Sparky, if you don't want us to fight, we'll stop." He stroked her mane soothingly. She opened her eyes, and stared into his deep blue ones, deep like the ocean. He was so handsome.

"John... I..." She couldn't bring herself to finish.

John set her down and laughed his deep, crackly laugh. "Holy shit, that was fuckin' intense!"

He turned to Celestia and grinned. The Princess flinched as he thrust his hands toward her.

"Well, sugar, you heard the lady! Cuff me!"

Author's Note

The title is ironic, because it wasn't very early at all.
In fact, by most people's standards, it was rather late.

...And Important Things Happened

"Y'know, I can break these cuffs."

"You can't break those cuffs."

Snap.

"You broke the cuffs..."

. . .

I walked out of the shower, reveling in the steam and humming to myself.

Me and Ariel had our early morning quickie and then she left for school. It was an inservice day, so the teachers had to show up, but not the students. She always found them annoying, apparently they never got anything done anyway. When she gets done, I'll have some of those brownies she likes waiting for her.

Until then, I figured I'd hang out with Nakami for a little while. Being with me seemed to take her mind off the situation with her parents, and she was a rather interesting little girl.

"You don't shave down there?" Speak of the devil.

"Nakami! Friggin' knock!" I yanked a towel off the rack and wrapped it around me before she could see any more.

"Sorry. But I thought you were supposed to shave down there?"

"What? No! Only porn stars do that. Wait, why am I even discussing this with you?"

Suddenly, Window Sebastian. "Actually, the shaving of the pubic hair is more a matter of personal choice. For example, I've met porno sterren who do not shave, and normal people who do. I, personally, find shaving to be uncomfortable."

"Dammit, Sebastian, I have a door!" He was crouched in my windowsill, calmly conversing with me on the second floor of my house. "I'd appreciate if you would use it!"

"Aww, but if I used the door, I would not get to see you naked!" He stepped down from the sill and turned to Nakami. "Who is your friend?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. Knowing Sebastian, he's not going to leave until he does whatever he came to do. Best to satisfy him so he can get around to that. Don't get me wrong, Sebastian is a very good friend of mine and I'd go to hell and back for him, but hanging around with him hurts my brain.

"Sebastian, this is Nakami Oroshi. She's been staying with me and Ariel."

"And you let her see you naked? Naughty, naughty! What if Ariel catches you?"

"Hey, it wasn't my idea." I adjusted my towel, frowning. "Now, if you could both please get out, this bathroom is two-hundred percent over-capacity."

"Oh, calm yourself, Michael, this will only take a moment. All of the preparations are in place to find your brother, the team is being gathered as we speak, and we've marked various locations to-"

"Are you sure we should be discussing this in front of..." I motioned to Nakami, who looked really confused.

"Ach, let her listen. I'm done keeping UNJO's secrets." His face darkened. "There has been a change in the Organization since I left. My retirement has prompted many Operatives to leave as well. The Big Man is getting desperate, holding tight to what he has. Gathering my team will take time, and up until that point, we will be vulnerable. We must tread carefully."

"What does this have to do with John? Or me?"

"Everything, Michael. It has everything to do with you and John. Telling you what I know would put you in danger and make you a target, but you and your brother are very important. As in, 'Fate of the World' important, so take care of yourself. In the meantime, I'll have my little girl keep an eye on you."

He took a bow and backed out the window nonchalantly. Nakami ran to the sill and checked outside. "He's gone!"

"Of course he is, he's Sebastian. Now, please get out, so I can get dressed."

. . .

Sebastian pulled out his phone as he sped down the highway. He switched to Italian. "Ragno, are you in position?"

"Of course, sir. My crew and I have a plain view of the house and the surrounding area." Ragno Tessitore hung upside down from a tree outside the Salem household. She and a half-dozen other former Operatives were scattered about the property, keeping surveillance on the whole area. She herself had a pair of binoculars trained on Michael himself, who was very hot, and currently very naked.

"Did you receive the list of Operatives loyal to the Big Man?" Sebastian turned off on the next exit, heading toward Green Bay.

"Yeah. You sure this is all legit, sir?" Ragno unzipped her pants and began to play with herself, because perché diavolo non?

"Of course, approved by Èbène herself, you know how good she is with people." A car attempted to pass Sebastian and he allowed it. He was in a hurry, but he was also a gentleman.

"With all due respect, sir, that's just your nice way of saying she's a huge slut." Si, flex those arms, you delicious hunk of man-meat, naturalmente nessuno sta guardando!

"Easy, girl. Now, if any of the people on that list even show up in the same zip code as Michael, I don't even want to be able to find a body, am I clear?" Sebastian checked his watch.

"I'll try, sir, but you're awful hard to outsmart." Michael wiped off his glasses and put them on, more fetish fuel. Oh, yes, Ragno would have a hard time getting this one out of her head.

"I have faith in you, Ragno. Also, I want you to take especially good care around Michael. He won't like that I'm assigning guards to him without his knowlege, especially if they're endangering themselves at his expense, so keep your presence to a minimum."

"What of the girl? And his wife?" Ragno had a team of two each following the Mrs. and the young Asian girl.

"They are to receive the same treatment, of course. They are all very important to me." Sebastian pulled into the airport and grabbed his bag. He'd already purchased his ticket.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" Quasi non ci...

"Ragno, for the last time, I'm not your superior officer, and I never was. You're lucky I put up with all of your 'sir' bullshit."

"Sorry, sir, I just... I'm behind you no matter what, but are you sure you know what you're doing? All of this sneaking around, reinforcing potential targets, allocating our resources, gathering people... the Big Man's going to think you're preparing for war."

"Oh, my dear, sweet Ragno, what if I am?" She could hear the grin in his voice just before he hung up.

Ragno shuddered once from the thought, then again from her orgasm. Without taking her eyes off Michael, she pulled out her gun and pointed it at the teenager who had been staring at her.

"If you value your eyeballs, or any of your other balls, you will keep walking and forget what you just saw." The young man adjusted his backpack and kept moving, a red blush on his face. Ragno hoisted herself higher in the tree, so as to be better hidden.

Sebastian sighed with relief as he sat down on the bench and waited for his plane. Things had been moving so quickly the past few days, he'd barely had a moment's rest. Why did John have to pick now, of all times, to disappear off the face of the earth? It would mean days of delay, dozens of fires to put out, and a hundred more headaches for Sebastian.

Sebastian heard a little girl crying near him. He'd always considered himself a very paternal man, and he hated crying. He stood and attempted to find the source.

A small girl, about eight or nine, and a man who who was too young to be her father, but obviously related. The man knelt in front of her and was trying to calm her down. Sebastian cleared his throat to get their attention.

"Hello, my name is Sebastian, and I'd like to show you both something."

He reached up and pulled his left eye out of it's socket and turned it so it was looking directly at the little girl. He donned a silly voice and thickened his accent. "Oh, hello! I didn't see you there!"

The child stopped crying and began to giggle. "Eww, gross!"

He wiped the eye off on his shirt "It is glass, here, you can hold it if you want."

She took the eye gladly and began to roll it around in her hands. Her guardian turned to him. "Um, Sebastian, was it? Hey, um, thanks for calming my sister down. We're heading out to visit our parents and she was scared of going on a plane."

"It is alright, my friend, I consider it my duty to help damsels in distress. What flight are you on?"

"119 to Japan."

"Ah, what a coincidence! That is the same flight I am on!"

"Well, we are at the same gate. If you don't mind me asking, why are you going to Japan?"

"Well, you could say that I'm visiting an old friend." The Dutchman's eyes became distant and he smiled.

"May I have my eye back now, sweetie?" Sebastian knelt down in front of the little girl and held out his hand. She gave it back to him. "Thank you very much. And do not worry, no matter what happens on that plane, if the pilot falls asleep, or if one of the engines blow out, or if we get attacked by flying tentacle monsters, I will make sure everyone is safe. Do you believe that?"

It wasn't childhood naivete that made her nod her head.

. . .

Honestly, I was a little insulted. I just took on four battle-airships, some sort of predator pony, and their fucking queen, and they act surprised when I snap their flimsy cuffs like a toy. I mean, really.

Oh yeah, did I mention the tall pony I fought was this 'Princess Celestia' character everyone's been talking about?

So I broke the cuffs, and the pones were trying to find a way to 'detain' me. Until then, no one was allowed within a few feet of me. So I found a nice piece of rubble to lay down on and maybe take a little nap.

Now that I was apparently no longer a threat, the gold-covered guards were a bustle of activity. Some were enraptured in the conundrum of my containment, whereas others were gathering the townspeople for some reason. Maybe they're having a party in celebration of the capture of the horrible beast.

Pony parties probably suck, with no booze and no drugs. The only fun part would have to be the sex, and I won't be partaking in any of that, no sir.

Twilight was as near to me as was allowed, but she didn't speak, at least at first. After a few minutes she initiated conversation. "Why did you do it?"

I opened my eyes and leaned up from my prone position. "Hmm?"

"Why did you save me? Save the town? The Princess told me what happened."

"Whatever." I laid back down. "Look, I saved you and the town, and reasons are unimportant. Just be happy about it, okay?"

"No, I can't just be happy about it, John!" She jumped up on my rubble and stood over me. "This morning, you could barely look at me, and so far, you haven't given me any reason to think you give a flying feather about me, or Ponyville, or anything at all! Argh, you're just so frustrating!"

I shot up and snapped at her. "I don't know, okay!? I don't know why I saved you! I don't know anything anymore!" I sat back down and reached for my cigarettes. I pulled out the box, only to find it empty.

"Well, that's just fucking great." I tossed the empty box aside.

Suddenly, Celestia. "Twilight, I suggest you step away from the human."

"Well, if it isn't Her Royal Highness. Come to gloat, have you?" Twilight hopped off my rubble and put some good distance between us.

"Actually, no. I think we both know that the victory does not go to me. In fact, I wanted to discuss the terms of your surrender." She looked curiously for my reaction.

"No terms. I don't have any demands, and I refuse any of yours. I just kind've figured there was no point in fighting when neither of us know what we're fighting about, am I right?"

"Yes, I will admit, I was a bit hasty in my attack, but you must understand: The only humans I've ever known were evil, greedy creatures. This is the first time I've ever actually been able to hold a civil conversation with one."

"I dunno, sister, it just seems like there's a whole lot of misanthropy going around on this planet. I'm not sure I like it." I closed my eyes and laid back again.

We were interrupted by one of the Goldiers. "Princess, the Elements and all of the witnesses have been gathered. We are prepared for the purge."

"Good. Twilight, when I say to look at my horn, do not." And with that, Celestia moved to the center of the marketplace and clopped her hooves to get everyone's attention.

"Ponies, of Ponyville, if you would, please direct your attention to my horn." They all did as they were told. I guess the Princess trained them well. Celestia's horn began to glow blue for a few seconds before flashing once, brightly.

I rubbed my eyes to clear away the blindness, and when I opened them, I noticed that the gathered ponies had gone all dead-eyed.

Celestia spoke loudly and clearly, making sure they all heard.

"The Human surrendered itself peacefully without any fighting. No guards and no battle airships were involved. The damage to your homes and businesses was part of a Human farewell tradition and will be repaired by the royal contractors within the week. You all had a good day today."

The light came back to the citizens eyes and they started to disband. Many of them were in a better mood than before. Celestia walked back toward me and Twi. I spoke before she did.

"Did you just deneuralize the whole town, Men-in-Black-style?"

"I erased their recent memories. I would erase you completely if I could, but unfortunately, the spell has a twelve-hour maximum. Luckily for you, I left their feelings toward you neutral. You will have to earn their trust, just as you will have to earn mine." She noticed the guards bringing out a large, heavy-looking pillory, obviously with me in mind.

"You can start by answering this question honestly: Will it be necessary to restrain you while we travel to Canterlot?"

"That depends, sister: Am I a guest, or a prisoner?"

"I recognize that your aggression was an act of self-defense, but your species has done terrible, terrible things to mine. I will explain further when we arrive at the castle, but until then, I will be wary of you. If you do anything to lose the tenuous trust you created when you gave yourself up, I will react accordingly. Do you understand, Human?"

I turned around and looked behind me. Then I looked back at her, frowning. "I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Because I don't know any guys named 'Human'."

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Do you understand, John?"

"That's better." I grinned. "Yeah, I'll be good, but first, I just remembered that I have a promise to keep."

. . .

I fetched my basilisk skin bag from the tree it was hidden in.

"John, what are you doing?" The Princess was a little ticked about the delay. "Is that a basilisk?"

"Basilisk skin. A little souvenir from helping a friend of mine. Speaking of which..." I cupped my hands to my mouth.

"FLUFFY! DADDY'S HOME!"

As expected, the Persian monster charged out of the forest like a bat outta hell. He tackled me to the ground and started licking me furiously. I started to wrestle with him playfully. I always kinda wished I could have a lion or a tiger as a pet when I was a kid. I suppose this is close enough.

Fluffy jumped off me and wagged his giant scorpion tail, grinning like a moron.

"What? Whazzat? Fluffy wants a treat?"

He roared and clamped onto my leg. I laughed. I love this guy already.

"I'll take that as a 'yes!'" I reached into my bag and pulled out some of the pre-cooked basilisk meat. "Can you catch for me, buddy? Go get it!"

I tossed the chunk into the air and Fluffy leaped twenty feet in the air to catch it. He fluttered back to the ground and nuzzled me, having eaten the entire chunk in a single bite. I scratched him behind the ears.

"Daddy's gonna have to go away for a while, okay, buddy?" He half-whimpered, half-growled, and glared at Celestia and her guards. "Easy, boy. I just gotta have a nice, friendly chat with the nice Princess. Can you be a good boy until I get back?"

He licked me from my neck to the top of my head, then ran back into the forest, which I took as a yes. I turned back to Celly. "Well, that's my last loose end. So, where're we going?"

"How in the sun's name did you manage to tame a Manticore?!" For the first time, Celestia seemed genuinely surprised for the first time I'd seen her. "To tame a True Monster like that... you'd have to be..."

"It was kind of easy, actually. I just pulled his ass outta the fire yesterday, and now the little guy can't get enough of me." I tied the basilisk skin shut and wrapped it around me. It was actually kind of cool, the material was really strong, and really convenient; I just stuffed what I needed to carry in the bottom and then tied the rest around me like a sash.

Celestia shook her head. "Moving on, we will be going to Canterlot. We have many things that I would prefer to discuss in private. Also, I have a task for you. We will discuss it further when we arrive at the castle."

. . .

"Well, girls, I guess I've gotta be going. Fluttershy, make sure Fluffy doesn't eat anybody important. Spike, RD, AJ, I'm counting on you guys to take care of my girls until I get back, got it?" It had become obvious to me that these guys and gals were a group. They seemed to be together whenever something important was happening.

I did plan on coming back. Fluffy was here, and Ponyville had some significance as the place I'd arrived in Equestria. With luck, whoever sent me here would be back to receive their beating.

I waved goodbye to the guys and gals who'd become my good acquaintances, and realized that Red wasn't among them. I felt a little twinge for some reason.

I stepped on the train and it lurched sideways on it's track. Even on Earth I weighed a lot for my size, plus my null-magic field cause many things to stop functioning, which was why I couldn't use a pegasus carriage or a blimp.

So train it was. The car was empty, so I picked a random seat and reclined in it. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

. . .

"That will be 1200 yen, sir."

Sebastian paid for his meal and checked his watch. The prison transports ran like clockwork, his window would be very small. The Operative left the noodle shop, then swung around the corner. Jumping up to catch hold of a sign, he kicked his legs and vaulted up to a fire escape. He then climbed to the roof of the building, and waited.

In exactly ten seconds, a large, reinforced van would turn and drive down the street. It would move quickly but still manage to follow the law to the letter. A full second after that, the driver of said van would hear a soft, almost imperceptible thump, as if a cat had jumped onto the roof. Too many late nights at the bar, he would guess.

The van pulled into the Nigeba Nai prison's hangar. In less than five seconds, two men would enter to inspect the van for stowaways, and in at least thirty seconds, one of the guards would check his pocket, only to find his key card no longer there. However, by that time, Sebastian would be long gone.

Halfway across the prison, actually. He would incapacitate all three of the guards in his way, then use a SkeletonKey to get through the door to the cell control bay. He would open Cell 0124, then make his way there.

Soon after he did all these things, Sebastian opened the door to 0124. The room appeared to be empty.

"Stop playing games, Echo, I'm here to retrieve you."

A voice came from the corner. "If you're here on Big Man's agenda, I think I'll stay where I am, thank you very much. These bars aren't just to keep me in."

"I retired, Echo. This is purely personal."

"Personal..."

"Of course. Johnathan has disappeared, and I need all of the help I can get."

"I want a good meal and a proper bed."

"Deal. I know just the place."

. . .

Spike and the girls watched the train pull away with the human on board. Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack and asked the question that had been bugging her since she'd met the strange creature.

"Does he think that we're colts?"

Author's Note

End of Arrival arc

The title is ironic because this is a filler chapter.

...And It's Just My Luck

There are people all around. Shadows without faces. I'm adrift in a sea of the unknown.

Except for one. A woman. Her hair and eyes were a pale green, and she was naked. She didn't seem... solid. I felt as if I tried to touch her, my hand would pass right through her. Despite this, her presence was powerful and significant.

She frowned and beckoned, as if she didn't have all day. I followed her.

She led me to a clearing in the shadows. A little girl slept there, no older than four or five. She looked so small and helpless. I knelt beside her and shook her awake.

The little girl sat up and rubbed her eyes. Her hair was long, almost to her knees, and was reddish-black, like blood under a full moon. Her skin was pale, almost pure white, and when she opened her little eyes, they were a bright, bloody crimson. All of this would have been unsettling, if she hadn't been the most adorable little girl I had ever seen.

Her face remained placid as she stood and wrapped her tiny arms around me, and pressed her soft little lips to mine, slipped that tiny tongue in between them.

I hugged her close. She was even more alone than I was.

I held the little girl in my arms and turned to the woman with the green hair. She brought her hand to my cheek tenderly, although her face was still a frown.

Come. Find us.

"I will."

"I'm sorry, sir, you will what?" My eyes shot open. The ticket guy stood before me, looking a little scared.

"Oh, sorry, I guess I was talking in my sleep. Thanks for waking me up."

. . .

"Twilight, You wrote in your letter that you were planning to research this Human. May I see what you've unearthed so far?"

Twilight was taken aback, she'd expected the princess to leave immediately after John. "Oh! Of course, Princess."

They retreated to the library, where Twilight began digging through the organized chaos to find everything she had on the Human. She brought out the notebook, which Celestia began to absently flip through, stopping on certain pages to raise her eyebrow.

When Twilight brought out the jar of mysterious black liquid, however, she glanced at it for but a moment before shouting, "Twilight, get away from that!"

Twilight quickly did exactly that. "What's wrong?"

"Liquid Shadow. Darkness Incarnate. Mendaciis et non inferamus crimen ánimam meam." Celestia had backed as far away from the jarred substance as physically possible without actually leaving the room. "Where did you get this terrible thing, Twilight?"

"From John, he, um... spit it up."

Celestia pondered this a moment. "My student, by associating yourself with this Human, you have taken a massive risk. His kind have a tendency to cause great change, and often not for the better. Because of my history with them, I cannot trust my own judgement. I must rely on you to keep me in check, can you do this?"

"But, Princess, there's so much I don't understand-"

"Then perhaps, it would be best If I explained from the beginning. Sit down, my student, for it is a very long story."

. . .

Èbène Ivoire growled and adjusted her big hat. Brazil's sun was doing murder on her pale skin, and when the modified seductress said she liked it hot, she definitely didn't mean this hot.

The sooner she found Vex and brought him back, the better. Speak of the devil...

The Scotsman's bright red hair stood out among the natives. Èbène cut around the beach and hid in the crowd. Vex had surrounded himself with civilians, though likely not on purpose.

She would wait until he was alone, then she would strike. Although waiting would require her watching him make out with his Brazilian boyfriend even longer.

The Siren found it hopelessly ironic that the one man she wanted, was the one man she could not have.

It was not even that he was gay, she's seduced gay men before, and straight women. Something about Donovan made him invulnerable to her natural, or perhaps artificial, charms.

She sang softly under her breath as she stalked her prey. Handsome, tender, soft, why do you look right through me, thinking... No, I can't deny my feelings, growing strong, I try to keep believing, dreaming on.

And every time I see you, I cry, 'More!' I wanna pull you closer, closer, closer, but you leave me feeling frozen.

She tracked them back to their condo.

"I had a lot of fun today, Donovan." Romero, Vex's new boyfriend, was young and naive. Just the way they both liked them.

"Me too. In fact, I was kind of hoping we could... have a little more fun. If you're interested." Donovan raised an eyebrow.

Romero tore his gaze away from the beautiful view out the windows, and turned to the beautiful man in front of him. "I thought you'd never ask."

They met in a passionate kiss that would have made any straight couple jealous. Donovan slipped his hands into Romero's swim trunks and grabbed hold of the treasure within. The Brazilian gasped at his touch.

"You're already hard. Do I turn you on that much?"

Romero swallowed. "More than you know."

Donovan gently led him by his penis through the doors to the bedroom.

They both slipped out of their swimwear. Romero resisted the urge to cover himself; it was his first time naked in front of a lover.

"Relax, Romero, I'll be gentle. Would I ever hurt you?" Donovan knelt in front of him and looked up at him, those bizarre yellow eyes full of... so many emotions.

"I'm sorry, I... Ah!" The young man gasped as he felt himself enveloped in something hot and wet. A muscular tongue moved up and down and around and...

He didn't last very long. He was a virgin, after all.

Donovan swallowed and licked his lips. He smiled up at Romero and opened his mouth to speak.

"As much as I'd like to see more, I'm afraid zat I must borrow Mr. Vex for ze moment."

Both men turned to the gorgeous woman who had just entered. Even though he just came, and was thoroughly homosexual, Romero's dick was instantly hard again. Like, literally instantly. If you were seeing this rather than reading it and picturing it in your mind, the action would have been so sudden it would have been accompanied by a comical sound effect, such as the clatter of a diving board, or a sword unsheathing.

Èbène, being a lady, ignored this. "Donovan. Sebastian sent me to retrieve you."

Donovan stood up. "Èbène, I left that life behind. I've moved on, as you can see. Not even Sebastian can pull me away from it." He gazed at Romero. "Away from him."

"Sebastian suspected you would say zat. He also told me to say, 'Lead us not into temptation.'"

Donovan's eyes widened at this. Then he frowned and recited the final line. "But deliver us from evil."

"Gimme a moment to pack my stuff." Donovan picked up his trunks from the floor and began to grumble to himself. "Why did it have to happen now, of all the times..."

"Donovan?"

Donovan stopped packing for a moment and embraced his lover. "Oh, Romero... I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for? What's going on?"

"Something very important. Something that could decide the fate of the world as we know it."

Romero's fear quickly became anger. "I'm not a child, Donovan, you can tell me what's happening!"

"No, I can't, Romero. Ever since Lucy..." He took a deep breath before continuing. "I promised myself that I wouldn't put anyone I love in danger ever again because of what I do. What I did."

Romero thought about what to say next. "I love you, too." was all he could come up with.

It seemed to be enough, as Donovan wrapped him in a tight hug and kissed him, long and hard. He then slipped on a T-shirt and scooped up his backpack before breezing out the door.

"Come on, Èbène." He looked back only once. "Before I change my mind."

. . .

I stretched widely, my back cracking and my arms tensing. I'd woken up rather early this morning.

Well, at least for me.

My stomach gurgled, but I ignored it for now. There were more pressing matters. I stepped off the train, and a contingent of guards immediately surrounded me. I smiled benignly and put my hands on my hips.

"Aww, did you guys miss me?"

A guy with blue hair approached. "I've been ordered to detain you until the Princess can speak with you."

"Celestia? I already talked to her."

The Unicorn smiled and shook his head. "No, the other Princess."

"What other-"

"WHERE IS HE!? WE SHALL TEAR HIM APART!"

"Aw, fuck."

. . .

The Human would die. The Human would taste bitter death as surely as the moon would rise tonight.

It was all he, nay, all any of his kind deserved.

He had obviously worked some sort of magic to convince her sister to allow him to travel alone and unguarded, and now the monster stood alone in her courtyard, waiting to be slain.

The monster that killed her parents.

. . .

"I'm going to hide in the train now." I said matter-of-factly, before doing exactly that.

About two seconds after closing the door, I needed to grab on to something, as the train picked that moment to learn the art of interpretative dance.

After a full ten seconds of extremely loud noise and the birth of several dozen bruises, the several-ton train rolled to a stop. Then the wall of wood and metal froze into solid ice before cracking and shattering, revealing what I assumed to be the other princess. A cold gust of wind blew into the cabin, causing me to shiver.

She had a horn and wings, like Celestia. Unlike Celestia, she was a deep blue in color, and seemed to be smaller, and also unlike Celestia, she didn't seem to be aware I was a friend.

And she didn't look afraid, either.

"Hey, uh-"

"Clausæ usque in irrumabo. There will be no talking, no spells from you, Human. You will die."

I only hesitated to roll my eyes before spinning and planting my foot onto the other side of the cabin. I laid my back on the floor and kicked hard, sending me quickly sliding across it and closing the distance between us. I swung my legs up and grabbed her by the head, flipping over her and using my superior weight to drag her with me. Arcing upward, I wrapped an arm around all four of her legs and placed my knee under her chin.

Four hundred pounds of pure man drove the princess's horn into the ground like a roofing nail.

"I kicked your sister's ass less than an hour ago. What's stopping me from kicking yours?" I growled at her. She growled back at me. The ground began to softly rumble. I pondered this.

"Aw, fuck."

The dirt underneath my feet exploded, sending me soaring twenty feet in the air and sending the princess flying away from me. I smashed into a statue, knocking the wind out of me, before falling into the pond below it.

I resurfaced and calmly shucked off my jacket. It was soaked, and therefore heavy. "Is it okay if I call a time-out?"

I was forced to duck as a spell blew up the statue over my head. "I guess not."

I leapt over the wall of the pond and picked up the still-intact head of the statue. Spinning to build momentum, I hurled it at her. She knocked the several-hundred-pound chunk of marble aside as if she were swatting a fly.

"I'd make the obligatory joke about giving you head, but you probably wouldn't get it."

"Consumat tua priapo, te monstrum deformis!"

"Case in point."

A snake of water leaped out of the pond and became a undulating ball over my head. I plucked at my soaking T-shirt and deadpanned. "Oh, no, God forbid you get me wet. That crap only works on witches, honey."

The ball fell on my head and stayed there, suspended in her magic. She used her magic to freeze it nearly solid, except for a few inches around my head where my null-magic kept it liquid. I wedged my fingers under where it met my neck and tore it apart.

"I'd make the obligatory 'brain freeze' joke, but that'd be a little childish."

"True humor can only be found in irony." She picked up another glob of water and it shaped itself into a sword before freezing solid. "A Human weapon to kill the last Human."

She hurled it at me, impaling just below my shoulder. She gave a cry of exultation as I spun in the air from the force of the blow.

I stood up and yanked the sword out and began stalking toward her. I'd let her hit me. "Yah, real clever, sweetie. Do you even realize how much ass I've had to kick to survive a day and a half here? How much ass I kicked even before I got here? I single-handedly took down a thousands-strong cult of murderous zealots. I've been shot, stabbed, scarred, burned, and beaten. All I ever asked for in life was to be loved, WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"

. . .

Luna couldn't believe her ears. The Human had just used the Royal Canterlot Voice. Only those with Royal blood can command the pure authority of the Royal Canterlot Voice.

A sparkle on the Human's face drew the Princess's attention to his eyes. He was crying, and the cold blue fury that burned behind his irises only meant one thing: This man did not fear her.

This man feared nothing

Instead, Luna felt a spark of fear ignite in her own chest.

. . .

It felt good to let myself go. Ever since I got here, I'd been holding in my emotions, keeping myself in check.

This Princess had made a big mistake by pissing me off.

. . .

Luna conjured the Bloodforged Hammer from her personal armory. "Stop!"

"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!" The world shuddered when it heard the Human's pained war cry. He raised the Icicle Blade above his head as he charged his immortal foe. He knocked the ancient hammer from her magical grip with a single blow, then booted her in the face, flinging her backward.

She sprawled to the ground. She felt the Human's foot plant itself on her neck, his hot breath in her nose. She didn't dare open her eyes as he whispered, "You think that killing me will make all the pain go away? Well it didn't for me, and it won't for you. Vengeance isn't a cure for grief."

She waited for the killing blow that never came. Instead, he stabbed the frozen sword into the dirt beside her head, scooped up his jacket, and walked away.

The princess of the night curled into a pathetic ball and began to sob.

There she lay, for many long minutes, until Celestia and Peppermint arrived.

"Sister! What happened!?"

"Your Highness! Are you all right?"

Celestia had finally arrived. Her story had taken longer to tell than she'd expected. She'd seen the carnage, and assumed the worst. They'd found Luna curled into a ball and sobbing.

"Peppermint! Tend to her!" She ordered. But he was already there. His leg had healed minutes after it was broken, though his pride had not.

Luna waved him off. "I'm fine, Peppermint. I'm just..."

"Shaken." The butler supplied. He'd been teaching her to talk like a modern pony. He sometimes had trouble, himself. "What happened?"

"I... I tried to kill him, but... he was too strong."

"I understand. He fights like a demon, and feels no pain." Peppermint wrapped her in a soft hug. Ever since her real brothers died, he'd been a poor substitute, but he did his best to support her.

"Why did you try to kill John, Sister? Did you not receive my letter?"

"I thought he'd brainwashed you, or forged the letter. I simply couldn't imagine you, of all ponies, making peace with a Human. I thought it would be better to kill the Human and end this mess before it started." She shook her head.

"Oh, Luna, how can you both underestimate and overestimate him at the same time? He does not have the ability to brainwash a pony, and even if he did, and did it to me, how could you stand a chance? No offense meant, of course."

"I know, and when you say it out loud like that... it does sound a little silly." She sat back on her haunches and sniffled a little. "How have you fought them, Sister? Peppermint? They are so powerful, to kill even one would be nigh-impossible."

"You were very young when they arrived, Luna, too young to fight them. You don't know what they were like. I can tell you this much: John is far from an ordinary Human. All Humans were strong, but he did things that should have been impossible, and I did things to him that would have killed the Humans of old."

Luna's eyes shot open as she remembered something. "He used the Voice."

Celestia and Peppermint looked at each other, horror painted on their faces. "Peppermint! Find him and bring him here, I don't care what you have to do or say!" she ordered.

"Yes, Highness!" Peppermint barely stopped to bow before galloping away at speeds too great for a normal pony.

"Luna, if what you say is true... if John is a Royal..." The tired, immortal ruler shook her head low. "Gods help us all."

"Perhaps we have nothing to fear, Sister? If what you said is true and his intents are pure, perhaps he can be convinced to fight with us, rather than against?"

Celestia gasped as it clicked, it was all coming true! She whispered Twilight's poem to herself;

"Flesh of the King still remains, blood of the King runs in his veins,

Once an evil thought destroyed, soon becomes an evil employed."

John Salem was not their enemy. But if he was not, who was?

. . .

Humans had killed someone dear to Celestia and her sister. I had no doubt about that. Suppressing the history of mankind in Equestria, deneuralyzing of their subjects, all of it was an attempt to suppress their own memories.

I looked into Celestia's eyes and I saw what I am now, a creature who soaked itself in the blood of it's enemies, only to realize it did nothing to ease the pain of loss. I'd looked into that Luna's eyes and saw what I used to be, an animal, consumed by a need for its own idea of justice.

I need to be alone. I need to think. But most of all, I need a drink.

Hey, that rhymed! Ugh...

I was in a bit of a daze, to be honest, barely paying attention to what I was doing. I stole a cup of what appeared to be some sort of soft drink from somewhere, and searched for somewhere to consume it in peace.

I found myself on a tall rooftop. I let the wind blow through my hair and felt the sun on my face. It felt the same, but it was not. This was Celestia's sun, Celestia's wind.

I can't ignore it anymore, I can't keep pushing it away. I walked to the edge of the rooftop and looked down, down on all those people and I felt jealous of them. No matter their petty troubles, their silly mundane worries, at least they knew where they were going, what they were doing. At least they belong here.

I need help.

"Dad?" I shook my head. I can't believe I'm doing this. "I hate to bother you, you deserve your rest, but... I'm lost, Dad. If you can hear me all the way out here... I could really use a hand."

The wind swept through my hair. The sun warmed my now-stubbled cheeks.

I could really use a hand.

I looked at my hands. My left palm was bare, pristine, perfect. But my right was stained by a yellow birthmark in the center. The lines were so clearly defined that it almost looked like a tattoo, but I'd had it since I was a baby, and you can't tattoo your palms. It was a golden, five-pronged crown.

Daddy?

Yeah, Junior?

Your hand is like mine.

Oh... Here, sit down, little buddy. You know those hero stories you like to read?

Yes, Daddy.

Well, this mark means that we're like the heroes in those stories. We're special. We have a destiny.

Daddy, what's a destiny?

It means that there's something very important we have to do.

Daddy, what's my destiny?

Well, that's the thing about destiny, son: You don't know what it is until it's already happened.

"Is that it, Dad? Am I supposed to be here to be here?" I bit back tears and clenched my fist over that mark, that damn mark that always marked me as different. What did it mean? Am I less human because of it? How could Dad know so much, but yet so little? So much fear and pain over that little bit of pigment in my palm.

Except it was so much more than that.

I picked up a chunk of stone from the roofing beside me. I clenched my fist again.

The stone became gravel. I clenched a third time. The gravel became sand.

What am I, Daddy? Why am I like this? Why do bullets not shatter my bones, blades not pierce my skin? Why do have the strength of ten people my size? Why was I born a monster shaped like a man?

Why?

Why?

Why?

These emotions opened a little door in my soul, a little door that shouldn't have existed, and something got out.

Something beautiful.

"There once was a man who was taken away,

By a woman of mystery too sure he would lay.

He awoke to the sounds of a young woman's cries,

Until he rolled over and saw a pair of blue eyes.

The Human was dumbstruck and so he did flee,

By doorway and staricase, 'twas not meant to be.

Enter, Nurse of Redheart!

Enter, Light of Twi!

Enter, John the Human, trying not to die!

At the Nurse's romances, the Human did frown,

She cried her damn eyes out when he turned her down.

He melted his sadness with song and with dance,

If only these mares would get out of his pants!

All girls have urges to be grabbed and touched,

To have some nice sleep is asking too much.

Enter, Mint of Pepper!

Enter, Queen of Pones!

Enter, John the Human, please don't break his bones!

This world was too dainty, too soft and too nice,

If it kept him here, it would soon pay the price.

Only fools would keep John in a cage,

Only fools would not fear his rage.

As surely and certain as night took the day,

He'll find those bastards and he'll make them pay!

Enter, John the Killer!

Enter, John the Cad!

Enter, John the Human, just don't make him mad!

The Human reflects on his thoughts and his fears,

The lives that he's taken throughout all his years.

He thinks of his father, his mother, his brother,

Reasons he breathes, he can think of no other.

John may be clueless and answers he lacks,

But he swore to his brother he'd always come back."

I slapped a hand to my mouth. Was I just singing? What was that song? I'd never heard it before, but it came as easily to me as if it had been my favorite childhood tune.

"How interesting. I've never seen a Human do that." I started and turned toward the sound of a voice. None other than Peppermint the Butler stood on the roof near me. He didn't approach me, though. I guess he learned his lesson. "I'd have thought it impossible, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. You truly are an interesting specimen."

"I wasn't singing. I mean, I didn't mean to do that." I sat back down.

"Precisely, however, we won't dwell on it. Your spontaneous burst into song is none of my business."

"Fine. Why are you here, then? You gonna try to kill me again?" I swilled the drink in my bottle before taking a swig.

"Not at the moment, no. I'm simply here to talk." With just a hint of distaste, he sat down beside me. I raised an eyebrow.

"And what could you and me possibly talk about?"

"I understand the emotions you're going through. I've gone through them myself."

"You don't know me." I turned away from him. What was he talking about?

"I know you're not a normal Human. And I'm not a normal pony. That's something we have in common." I looked back at him. He smiled, showing gleaming, white, and extremely sharp teeth. He blinked with a transparent eyelid that slid sideways across his suddenly slit-pupiled eyes.

"I was created to be the perfect pony killer. I can look like them, I can talk like them, I can walk like them, right up until the moment I needed to strike. But, with a little convincing, I decided to rebel against my masters, to fight for Harmony instead of Chaos. I refused to let what I was define me, and I learned that even a monster can have the heart of a stallion, or a man, as it were. And now, I couldn't be happier."

"Cool story, bro. What does it have to do with me?"

"My point being, John, no matter how helpless you feel you are, there is always a choice." I nodded thoughtfully before offering him my soda as a peace offering. He slammed the last of it down, then bit the bottle in half.

"The silica is good for my hooves," He explained. "Now come. I'm sure the Princesses are growing impatient."

"What makes you think I'll come along?"

"Where else would you go?"

I shrugged. He had a point.

Author's Note

Rewrite

Does it please you, Mistress?!? Does it please you when I dance?!?

...And You Can't Handle The Truth

Dirty Mike, (not Mike Salem, two different people) as he preferred to call himself, pulled the final stool off the bar and sighed happily. He'd made a killing last night. And the night before that. And the night before that, too. It seems that as the world fell apart, a man had only one true friend: Alcohol.

Which Dirty Mike was happy to provide.

Don't get the wrong idea, the bartender was not a sadistic man, or even a greedy one. Quite the opposite, in these trying times, his honesty, generosity, and wisdom marked him as an upstanding member of the community. He was always one to call a taxi for someone too drunk to drive, or dish out a little friendly advice to someone who needed it.

He was just sitting down to have a cigarette when there was a knock on the front door. He chuckled at his own expense. "Figures, just as I'm opening up."

He heaved himself up tiredly and answered the door. Now, Mike was a worldly man, he'd been to six countries, and every state but Texas, but none of that could have prepared him for what was behind that door.

She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He had to resist the urge to fall to his knees before her.

He regained his composure when a redheaded man stepped in front of her. He spoke with a soft Scottish accent. "Easy, Èbène, don't give him a heart attack."

The most noticeable feature about this man was his strange yellow eyes. He stepped in between Dirty Mike and the beautiful woman. "Sorry about Èbène, matey, she has that effect on people. We were expected, yeah?"

"Um, not exactly, no." Mike shook his head. "I don't know who either of you are."

"We're friends of Sebastian's and John's. You could say that we're a 'group'. If Sebastian isn't already here, he'll be soon." Mike decided to roll with that and let them pass.

"Well, then, can I get either of you a drink?"

"Ooh, do you have any wine?"

A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door. When Mike opened it, he was greeted by a floating Subway sandwich.

Like, literally, it was a goddamn sandwich, and it was fucking floating.

"Anata no ki o, watashi ni demashou! Watashi wa koko ni watashi no natto o ofu ni tōketsu shite imasu!" The sandwich swore at him before brushing past into the room.

Sebastian followed soon after, scolding it. "Ekō! Watashi wa watashi ga saisho ni iku yō ni anata ni itta! Anata wa, Maikeru no shinzō hossa o ataeru!"

He stopped and patted Mike on the shoulder. "It is good to see you, Michael. You will have to forgive my friend, he isn't good with people."

"The sandwich?"

"No, the guy holding it. His presence in a room tends to go unnoticed."

"You mean there's an invisible guy holding the sandwich?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying."

"I need a drink."

"Good idea."

Several drinks later, Mike had settled down enough to talk. "Now, can someone please tell me what in God's name is going on?"

"In good time, Michael, but first things are first. You were the last person to see John before he disappeared, ja?"

"Um, yeah...? Where are you going with this, Seb?"

"Don't worry, Michael, I'm not accusing you, I'm just trying to figure out where he went."

Mike rubbed his chubby, stubbled cheeks. "Listen, man, all I remember is that he went into the back room with some chick and never came out. Me and Mike went in there earlier today, and all we could find a bunch of burn marks and a pair of torched underpants."

"Hmm, intriguing. Do you mind if we see?" Sebastian rubbed his chin before heading to the back room without waiting for permission. He opened the door to the back room and turned to his comrades.

"What happened?" He asked them simply.

Èbène stepped forward. She sniffed the air daintily. "He was drunk... and aroused. The woman he was with did not feel the same. She smells disgusted. Her pheromones smell... wrong. Old and fake. She definitely wasn't human, but she was trying to be."

Sebastian turned to his former lover. "How about you, Donovan?"

The Sixth closed his eyes and concentrated. "John was spiteful. He's been hurt too many times. He was not driven by passion or love. The woman's mind was ancient and... very cruel. She needed John to carry out some sort of plan, but she didn't like it."

He walked to the bed. "There is residue of Meridian travel here. She brought him somewhere very far away, too far away for me to see. She left his underwear as a link. I need them."

Donovan held out his hand for the charred clothing. Mike went to get them from where he'd left them earlier today. He handed them to the Scot. He scrunched them in a fist. "I can see him... far away... a... a place... "

Donovan's eyes shot open and he fell backward. Sebastian caught him as he continued to speak. "Rex nostra semitam pavimentabit. Sinito omnes homines gaudeant."

His eyes closed and he went limp. Sebastian laid him down and translated. "The King will pave our way. Let all mankind rejoice. But who claimed him, the Serpent or the Dove?"

Mike felt the cigarette being plucked from his mouth. It floated across the room and stubbed itself against the wall above the cot, igniting hidden fuel. The dark room brightened as an image of a draconequus burned itself across the plaster.

"Hebi." Echo said.

Mike snapped out of it, yelped, and fetched a fire extinguisher. After that, he needed another drink. Sebastian didn't even let bother himself by asking this time.

"Michael, there are things in this world you do not understand, would not understand, even if I explained them to you in great detail. All I ask is that you trust me, as a friend, and as a fellow human being when I say: John is alive and well, and you will see him again. Can you do that for me?"

"Seb, I trust you to hell and back, you know that." The bartender sighed deeply. "If there's such a thing as a honorable man on God's green earth, you're him, and if there's anything I can do to help you out, all you have to do is ask."

"Dank u, Michael. It is a shame that sort of trust is so hard to find these days." Sebastian took a long drag of his pipe, before pulling a stack of pamphlets from beneath his coat. "As a matter of fact, there is something you could do for me. Would you pass these out to your patrons, please?"

Mike flipped through one of them and raised an eyebrow. "Are you starting a cult?"

. . .

"Alright, so the white one is Celestia, she's older and controls the sun, and the blue one is Luna, she controls the moon."

"Yes, it isn't that difficult."

"Easy for you to say, especially since they both tried to kill me before saying a single word to me. It's all starting to blur together into a mindless mash of violence." I absentmindedly reached for my cigarettes before remembering I ran out. Yet another great addition to what was turning out to be one of the worst days of my life.

"Then you should feel right at home."

"Excuse me?"

"I can see it in your eyes, and in the way you fight. Conflict has stained you in ways that will never wash out. Which makes you perfect for what the princesses have in mind."

"And what, pray tell, is that?"

"Why don't you ask them yourself?"

Pep-the-But and I rounded the bend into the train station where I'd arrived in the city I now knew as (shudder) Canterlot. The princesses seemed to be cleaning up the mess that Luna and I had made. And what a mess it was.

The train car had been returned to the track, but that couldn't disguise the giant, ice-encrusted hole in its side. There were massive gouges in the earth almost a quarter mile to the side of the track where Luna had thrown the car with me inside, as well as a twenty-foot crater where she'd violently detonated me off of her. The fountain was obliterated and many of the surrounding buildings had scorch marks.

"Well, Luna, you sure know how to show a guy a good time. We'll have to do this again." I grinned as both alicorns started and whipped around. Nice to know that they could be snuck up on.

Luna gained an expression of deep suspicion, while Celestia wore one of more subdued curiosity. Luna didn't seem ready to speak yet, so Celestia was the one who greeted him. "Hello, John. We were just talking about you."

"Good things, I hope."

She gave her sister a look I couldn't read, then Luna answered, "The best. Would you walk with us?"

I nodded and followed as they turned away, the cleanup job apparently left to less important ponies. We walked for quite a while without saying anything, the princesses in front of me, Peppermint behind. I took this as an opportunity to admire the city of (shudder) Canterlot. Freaking renaissance architecture. It appeared to be a lot more regal and castle-y than Ponyville. The palace or whatever appeared to be in the center of the city which was... hanging off a mountain.

"Uh, Princess?" I was having trouble thinking of a degrading nickname for her, so for now, I'll just use that. "My null-magic field isn't going to like, shut down the magic holding the city up or anything, will it?"

Luna snorted condescendingly. "Ridiculous."

"Wasn't talking to you, Moon Pie."

"Luna, be nice." Celestia turned her neck to face me, still walking. "Exactly how much knowledge of the interactions between our kind do you have, John?"

"Only what I could glean from a Saturday morning children's cartoon."

"..."

"Which is to say, if you'd asked me two days ago, I would reply, 'Magic ponies don't exist.'"

"Ah." She said simply. "To answer your question, no, the platform the city rests on, and the city itself to some extent, was constructed without the use of magic. Even if it wasn't, I doubt a single human has enough null-magic to topple it."

"Hmm. I hope I'll get the whole story of that sometime."

"You will, John. You have a right to know. I don't know why you were not taught of our history, but I do know that I do not teach it to my subjects for a very good reason. And you should be glad I do not, or they would react to you with overwhelming hostility rather than measured curiosity."

We entered the palace without fanfare, and the blue-maned pony who'd greeted me when I'd stepped off the train bowed to the princesses and glared at me. "I take it we won't be needing the dungeons?"

Celestia shook her head. "Not at the moment, no."

Luna frowned. "But it's always good to be prepared."

I held out my hand to shake. "I don't think we've been introduced, I'm John, and contrary to popular belief, I haven't tried to kill anyone since I got here."

The pony grunted and shook it. "Shining Armor, Captain of the Guard. I believe you put one of my best pegasi in the psych ward."

"Did I really scare him that bad?" I briefly recalled grabbing a pegasus by the throat and telling him to fuck off. I could have done worse, given the circumstances. "Well, I can't be punished for the fallacies of pussies."

Shining Armor grunted again, still glaring at me. Peppermint nudged him with a hoof and jerked his head toward a door. When he didn't take the hint, he cleared his throat. "Captain, I'm sure that the Princesses and John have much to talk about. Shall we find other business to attend to?"

The Captain nodded wordlessly and followed the butler through one of the big doors, leaving me alone with the princesses.

I grinned. "I don't think he likes me very much."

Luna snorted again, not very princesslike, this one. "He's not the only one."

"Luna. Be. Nice." Celestia got right to business. "John, in order to understand what I'm about to tell you, you must forget whatever you've been told about where Humans come from."

"Cel, unlike most people who try to preach that they know all that human origin bullshit, I get the weird feeling that you were there. Just tell me what I need to know."

She motioned for us to begin walking again. "Roughly fifteen thousand years ago, a massive meteorite struck Eden near the place you now call Ponyville. At the time, very large amounts of this area were untamed wilderness. It took nearly fifteen years for your kind and mine to finally make contact, and by that time, the Humans had built a small, feudal community, and the vegetation they'd brought with them had grown out of control. This vegetation would eventually become the Everfree forest, and their buildings would become the ruins within."

"My mother, Univera, was the one who made first contact. We embraced your kind with open hooves, and the races of Eden rejoiced to welcome a new culture to our planet. You were a powerful and honorable race, and your ruler, King Paterex, was a good man. I remember when I first met him, he smiled and said I was cute. I was a child, then, and Luna hadn't been born.

"Paterex had a wife named Feragina, and four children. The eldest son, Fraterlex, the elder sister, Sororeverax, the younger son, Fratermutis, and the younger daughter, Sororivita. They simply called themselves Royals, and they were to the Human race what Alicorns are to Ponykind; Leaders, guardians, and teachers.

"Under their leadership, Humans expanded quickly and soon outgrew the Everfree, so the Crystal Guardians of the the north used their magic to create a new continent in the Eastern Sea. They named it New Huma, after their home planet. They spent millenia there in peace, perfecting their own magics, maturing their culture, and expanding their friendships.

"Then, one day, trade between our nations stopped. A military blockade shut down all communication from New Huma to the outside world. Soon after, Human troops invaded the Crystal Empire. The Guardians fought bravely and to the last one standing, but the humans were too strong, and in too great of numbers. Their advanced technology more than made up for what few weaknesses they had.

"And so began the longest and bloodiest war that Eden has ever seen. We didn't know what prompted the attack at the time, but Eden was in a golden age, and none of us were ready for it. With the Crystal Guardians decimated, our strongest military defense was gone. After that, the Humans marched upon the Sussian Expanse, driving the Boarock into hiding. When they reached the Cervian Forest, they found it empty, the Wisp Deer seemingly disappeared into thin air.

"After months of destruction, the extinction of dozens of cultures and species, all that was left was Equestria. It was then that the reason behind the attacks was finally brought to light: Queen Feragina had been murdered, and her children seemed to think that it was the fault of the non-human species, that they had been responsible for their mothers death. The King, in his grief, had locked himself away in his castle, allowing his children to rage across the landscape of Eden, unopposed."

We stopped walking. Celestia hung her head, and I could feel the weight of her grief like a chill in the air. "One by one, they killed them all. My father, my brothers, my older sister, and finally my mother, who sacrificed herself hiding Luna and I from the Human's wrath. "

I noticed where we had walked clear through the castle and into a garden of some sort. I sat down on a bench near yet another fountain. Its bubbling filled the air for nearly half a minute as neither I nor the princesses said anything. For once, I didn't know what to say. She cleared her throat and continued.

"I was not in a good position. Human forces now occupied Canterlot, my people were being systematically slaughtered by the thousands, and I had an infant sister to take care of. But now, I wielded the same weapon that my enemy did: Anger that burned with the fire of the sun, fueled by a grief deeper than the ocean. I rallied the last of Equestria's military, and with the help of a double agent, I attacked strategic Human settlements and checkpoints, whittling them down, year by year, little by little, until finally, the Solar Guard stormed Canterlot, allowing me to finally destroy the monsters who killed my family.

"When Paterex received the news of his children's deaths, he contacted me and begged me to kill him as well. I refused. I believed there to be no more fitting punishment for his neglect than to feel the same pain I did, living forever burdened by the pain of losing his family in his heart. I told him to gather his people and leave Eden forever. He did as I asked. He built a portal and left, taking his beaten and broken people with him. He did not say goodbye, or where he was going, or even apologize. He just left."

She looked at me, her face unreadable, gauging my reaction.

I stood and approached her.

I looked her in the eye.

I wrapped my arms around her,

and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry."

Author's Note

Michael is a rather common name. I personally know three Michaels.

There, now that we've got all that exposition out of the way, we can finally start doing shit, I promise. Also, I've been thinking of doing a "Dramatic Reading" or whatever the hell they call it for this story. People always tell me I have a good voice. But I'd hate to go through the trouble and not have anyone listen to it. Give me your thoughts in the comments.

...And I'm Beside Myself

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose the people that you love like that. What it's like to be a child, and then suddenly have to grow up. I know what it's like, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy."

"Thank you, John." Celestia said, wrapping a hoof around him. "If you'd asked me a few millennia ago if I would willingly embrace a Human, I'd have thrown you in the dungeon."

"...Can we stop, now?"

"Yes, please."

John broke the hug and cleared his throat loudly. "So, now what?"

"I've been alluding to this task all day, and the time has come to finally reveal it to you." She cleared her throat as well, before entering the hedge maze, motioning for John and her sister to follow. "When the Humans occupied my country, they built large, underground bunkers to fall back into in the event of an insurrection. These bunkers were protected by stange fields that caused great pain to any magical being that tried to enter, as well as internal defenses should the fields fail. Over time, these bunkers fell into disrepair, and their defenses did exactly that, allowing us to salvage the technology within. Upon further investigation, many of the bunkers revealed various machines and apparatuses that would allow the humans to live within them for a very long time, even if they were cut off from all outside resources, including oxygen. I suspect that this is how the original colonists survived when their home planet was... compromised."

We were deep in the maze, now. It hit me that if Celestia and Luna flew away, I might not be able to find my way out. "You may not realize, but you stand upon an ancient battlefield, the last battlefield of the Human War. The blood, Human and Pony alike, is too thick here for even time to wash away. So, I cultivated this maze, and now, I use it to hide my kingdom's greatest secrets. Among these secrets, I hid the remains of the Human race." They came to a wall of leaves. The princess tapped her hoof, and it parted before her.

It opened into a peaceful clearing. It was circular, and at the center was a statue bearing four statues. Celestia gestured widely. "It was in this clearing that I vanquished your kinds last protectors. Their immortal weapons still lie here, waiting to be claimed."

John had stopped listening. He moved to the base of the statues. His eyes seemed to be drawn to Fraterlex in particular.

Noticing this, Luna spoke up. "What is it, John?"

John studied Fraterlex's face for another moment before speaking. "He looks like me."

The princesses paused for a moment, studying the statue as well. They gasped in unison when they realized that John and the firstborn prince were mirror images of each other. Disregarding the fuller beard, longer hair, and different clothes, the lines in their face and the broadness of their shoulders were exactly the same.

John reached into his jacket for something, only to find it not there. "Fuck. So, what does this mean? I mean, these statues are accurate, right? Because the other dude looks like Mike, and the chick with the axe looks like Ari. The chick with the shovel..."

His eyes squinted before he frowned. "The girl from the dream."

The princesses looked at each other. Celestia turned and headed in the other direction. "Follow me. You may explain as we walk."

John nodded his head, his brow furrowing as he loped after her. "Well, Mike is my little brother, he's four years younger than me, and Ari is his wife. They got married... six months ago, now? As for the other girl... I've never seen her before in my life, but I dreamed about her last night. Was that shit prophetic? A glimpse into the future or whatever?"

Luna spoke up. "There is power in dreams, John, but the dreams of man are not my domain. You will have to interpret it for yourself."

"In other words, 'Fuck if I know'." John pondered this for a moment. "So what do you think me being the reincarnation of Conan the Barbarian over here means?"

Celestia pondered that for a moment. "I believe it means exactly that, you are the reincarnation of, if perhaps not Fraterlex then one of the other Royals. The only way to confirm it is if you were to attempt to wield one of the Orbis Vulgate, the World Tools. Which one you wield, would depend on you."

"Well, then, let's not keep ourselves in suspense." He made a shooing motion with his hands. "Follow the pretty pony."

Brushing off the compliment, Celestia led him to a separate clearing. She started as she remembered something, and turned to the Human following her. "I must warn you, John, you will not like what you see here. When the Royal children died... it did not make for an attractive scene, and for reasons you will see, their corpses could not be disposed of properly. You must understand that..."

She trailed off as John brushed past her into the clearing.

. . .

Celly talks a lot. I brushed past her into the clearing. There were a few different coloured... orbs, or spheres, scattered about. Four of them, about thirty feet in diameter. I wasn't close enough to get a very good look at any of them.

Celly piped up. "The way I understood it, Humans have been around for a very long time, hundreds of thousands of years. Their civilization has risen and crumbled more times than they could count, their has history been erased and rewritten dozens of times over. During the time of peace before the Human Wars, I was told that the Vulgate were ancient tools of unimaginable power, crafted by a Human civilization even older and more advanced than the one that appeared on Eden. I don't know exactly how many there were, but I do know that the most powerful of them all were wielded by the Royals."

We approached the closest sphere. It was transparent, so I could see inside. When I did, my heart skipped a beat and I couldn't breathe. Then I was hyperventilating, and my pulse was too loud in my ears.

Frozen inside the sphere, eyes open in surprise, both arms torn off and a gaping hole in his chest, was my little brother.

Except it wasn't. My brother is very distinctive. Some found his silver hair and flat black eyes repelling, others found them appealing, but the corpse in front of me had neither. His hair was a mossy greenish-grey, and his eyes were a bright purple. In addition, he sported a short, triangular beard at the tip of his chin, whereas Mike kept himself clean-shaven.

"I assure you, this is the worst of it, John. The other three are not nearly as recognizable."

I caught my breath, in too much emotional shock even to speak. Finally, I swallowed. "Who was he?"

Celestia moved next to me, her presence comforting, despite the fact that I knew she was the one who'd killed this man. She described him with a slight reverence, the way a warrior speaks of a respected adversary. "Before you lie the remains of Fratermutis, the avatar of death and change. He wielded Temparic, the Warpscythe, said to have been forged from a shred of the very fabric of the universe. Temparic imbued its master with power over space and time. When I killed him, the scythe projected some sort of time-freezing spell. Only the one worthy of wielding the Warpscythe can break it."

I took the hint. There was a visible barrier between the frozen time and the moving time outside. I reached out to touch it. It was solid.

"That only makes sense." I muttered to myself. The matter in the sphere was frozen in time, as at rest as physically possible. And objects at rest, stay that way. I wasn't getting at that scythe without breaking the force field first, and that wasn't happening. I spoke a little louder. "Well, girls, I don't think that's me. I never liked scythes as weapons, anyway. Too long and artsy."

"The vulgate weren't intended to be weapons, John. They are tools, how they are used depends on who's using them."

I pondered this as I tried to break through the impenetrable wall of foliage protecting Sororivita and her Lifecleaver, AKA Vitaxe. Every time I tried to break through the thick sphere of plants, it would grow back thicker. After a minute or two, I gave up. I'm just glad I didn't have to see the body. I love my sister-in-law as much as I love my brother. Seeing two dead relatives in one day? No fun.

I plucked a few thorns from my hands. "I guess that one isn't mine, either."

"No offense meant, John, but you don't seem like an avatar of birth and growth."

We came to the wall of white fire that protected Sororeverax and her Trutrum, Candorax. I stuck my hand through the field without a problem, but when I pulled it out, it was burnt red and the skin was peeling. "Alright, well, I'm not going in there."

That only left Gravic, the Fallhammer. Celestia seemed to have thrown Fraterlex into a cliff face, collapsing it on top of him. I clambered over a large chunk of rock. In the center of the collapse, there was...

There was a...

That is a black hole.

That is a goddamn black hole.

The orb was almost twice the size of the other ones, and near it, many of the rocks from the cliff face floated endlessly, seemingly unaffected by gravity. The largest chunk, the size of a small building, was suspended directly above the sphere.

Inside the sphere looked like a rip in space. A black vortex swirled within, streams of light flowing into it's core. By far the most dramatic of the security systems. I grinned. "Ooh, shiny. I pick this one."

Celestia, always ready with some exposition, followed me over the rock. "Proceed with extreme caution, John. Wielding the vulgate is not something you choose. It is something you are chosen for."

I vaulted over the rock and approached the sphere. I gave Celestia one last look. "What happens if it doesn't choose me?"

"I'm sorry to say that I don't know, John. You're the first human on Eden in thousands of years. That alone makes me believe you were put here for a reason. But if I'm wrong..." The immortal princess turned to her sister, unable to finish.

Luna did it for her. "There is a good chance that you will be killed."

John took a moment to absorb this. Then he shrugged. "Well, I got kicked out of the Marines for having suicidal tendencies. That's gotta count for something."

He spread his arms wide, closed his eyes, and fell backward into the void.

. . .

After watching John disappear, Gravic's security field swallowing him like a great, hungry beast, the princesses sat, staring at the place where the Human had stood for what seemed like quite a while.

Luna, being more impatient, broke the silence first. "What shall we do hence?"

Celestia checked the position of the sun, which was quickly going down. "We will give him... an hour. Then I will lower the sun and you will raise the moon, and he will be on his own."

. . .

Deep beneath the Earth, in a dark, metallic bunker where few human beings have tread, an ancient, primordial creature stirred.

The black lenses of its mask flashed as a tall, thin, dark man appeared before it in a burst of purple light and a puff of air. The creatures thick bodyguard, Thor, tensed momentarily before realizing that it was only Hermes, appearing out of thin air as he always did.

Thor and Hermes exchanged a nod, but neither dared speak before the Big Man did. They were both very powerful, but not nearly as powerful as their employer.

The Big Man stood, the servos in its armor whirring, breath hissing from its mask like air from a newly opened crypt. It was not a large creature, but it moved slowly, deliberately, as if every twitch of its body carried massive weight, or perhaps great pain. When it spoke, its mask altered its voice so it could not be traced or recorded, making it deep and removing any lilt or accent.

"Report, Hermes. You would not be here if there was not news."

"As you instructed, I've been tailing Operative Rivieren, your former second-in-command. There has been a new development." The Operative pressed a few buttons on his gauntlet, and a recording of Sebastian played, echoing in the underground chamber.

"Are you sure we should be discussing this in front of..."

"Ach, let her listen. I'm done keeping UNJO's secrets. There has been a change in the Organization since I left. My retirement-" Hermes cut the recording off nervously. Sebastian's retirement was still an upsetting subject to the Big Man.

"Operative Rivieren has already not only compromised top secret information protected by our Organization, but the existence of the organization itself." If Hermes dared show emotion in front of the Big Man, he would have cringed: He hated being the bearer of bad news. Surprisingly, the Big Man remained placid. It simply nodded.

"Ah, of course, I expected no less of him. He was always an independant spirit. A less sentimental fellow might have installed an obedience chip in him, like I did with Thor here." The Big Man gestured to the bigger man, who chuckled outwardly, while internally, he screamed. "But, unfortunately, because I did not, the second most dangerous man on earth is at large, and apparently, actively opposing me. The only logical course of action would be to simply kill anyone whom he has given information, both to keep them silent, and as a warning."

That was the only logical course of action, so of course, Sebastian had countered it. "Unfortunately, Operative Rivieren has only bestowed classified information on individuals whom he has assigned guards to, reside in his personal sanctuary zones, or are otherwise protected. None of the operatives loyal to us are skilled enough to do the job."

The Big Man was silent for a moment, tapping its thin fingers on the granite desktop as it thought. Finally, it spoke: "What about the ones who are not loyal?"

Hermes, who didn't really understand what his boss was getting at, remained silent.

The Big Man nodded, as if Hermes had agreed with it. It tapped on a keyboard hidden in its desk, and Hermes' gauntlet chirped in response. "I've sent you the dossiers of several neutral parties that the Organization has been monitoring. They are all deadly, they are all unstable, and they all have nothing to lose. Do with them as you will, but take care; they are all useful assets to me."

Hermes, requiring nothing more formal than a nod, disappeared in a puff of fuschia to carry out his orders.

"Thor. Leave me."

Thor nodded and left up the elevator, as it was the only way out of the office. The Big Man waited for the airlock to stop humming, for the room to become silent again. Then it took out the crinkled, ancient photo. The noise that struggled through the filter of the Big Man's mask could have been a sigh, or a sob.

. . .

Holy shit.

What the hell. I'm back at Mike's?

I'm... home? Was it all just a terrible, terrible dream?

I ran to the window, but it was so dark out, I couldn't really see past the sidewalk. I tried the front door, but it wouldn't open. Mike must have locked up.

Something is wrong.

Mike has an apartment above the place, and he's a light sleeper. He would have heard me banging around. I can't imagine anywhere else he could be, he rarely leaves the bar.

I checked the window again. Wait, where are all the streetlamps? And why are the lights on inside? Mike always made me turn them off when I locked up...

So, I guess I'm still working.

I went behind the bar and made myself a rum and coke. For a few minutes I waited and listened to the radio.

The bigger they are,

The harder they fall,

How can I know what is real,

If I can't feel at all?

I heard the toilet in the men's room flush and the faucet run for a short while. Two men came out of the bathroom, a thick trucker guy in jeans and a flannel, and a thinner guy wearing a suit. Flannel had a thick, brown, braided beard, and Suit had a big, waxy black barber mustache. They sat down next to each other and looked at me. After a moment, Flannel pointed at my rum and coke and said, "Two of those, please."

His accent was difficult for me to place until I realized that he hadn't spoken English at all. It was a strange feeling, understanding a language that I've never heard before, but not the strangest, so there you go. I made the guy his fucking drinks.

So tell me the truth,

Have I gone too far,

When my eyes burn like torches,

And my heart's black as tar?

They both took a swig of their drinks as I apologised for the shitty ambience. "Sorry about the song, guys. I lost the remote for the stereo."

Flannel raised an eyebrow. "Do you not like it?"

"It's really weepy, isn't it? Like angsty-teen-cry-your-eyes-out-and-write-depressing-poetry kinda weepy." I shrugged. Suit grimaced, and Flannel looked hurt.

"I wrote this for my wife the night before we both died."

I frowned as I thought about this, the frown slowly deepening into a scowl as the song continued to play.

Don't tell me I'm wrong,

I'm singing this song

I'm lost in my heart,

So tear me apart,

Reach into my soul,

The darkest of holes,

Burn out the part of me,

That makes it so hard to see.

I grabbed Flannel by the collar of his namesake with my left hand and slammed his head against the bar. Then, in one swift motion, my left hand clutched the rum and smashed it over Suit's cranium, jerked Flannel back up and pressed the jagged end of the bottle against his thick neck, drawing several small dots of blood.

"I assure you I'll have no more of this tomfuckery. You're going to tell me the meaning behind this cocksuck jamboree, or you're gonna need a bib the next time your boyfriend cums down your throat."

You say that you care,

So don't tell me lies,

You say that its hopeless,

So I'll lay down and cry.

His face stretched into a grin.

A grin that looks just like mine.

His face melts like candle wax, his shirt and the bottle become sand, slipping through my fingers, slipping, the bar disappears, whipped from reality by the wind, the floor rots away and becomes hands that are dragging me down, down, and all I hear is my own voice echoing in my ears:

You'll do.

Author's Note

I'm a busy man, gosh.

...And I Close My Eyes And The Flashback Starts

You'll do.

Fuck you, you prick! Let me out of here! What the fuck is happening?

Shut up and listen. I have much to tell you, and nothing you can tell me will matter. Powers beyond your understanding have dipped their fingers into our existence, and humanity has once again been brought to the forefront of their minds. The path we take next will depend on a handful of people, one of which is you, and all of which are close to you.

The blackness that had swallowed me retreated, and I wasn't at Mike's anymore. I was in some sort of castle tower, a single room with a single door and a single window looking out into blue sky. The cotton was pulled from my ears and I heard the clang of metal and screams of effort and pain. A battle.

My instincts kicked in and I dashed to the window, my boots clicking excitedly on the stone.

Peering out over the railing, I saw the streets of Canterlot that I walked down not a few hours ago, war-torn and destroyed. The building I'd drank my soda on wasn't there, replaced by a taller, rounder building. Or, it would have been taller, had it not been sheared off and toppled over onto some sort of crawling war machine, crushing it like a giant metal spider. The surviving members of its apparently human crew were fighting off a smaller force of ponies and unicorns. Despite the humans having better weaponry and numbers on their side, the ponies seemed to be winning through sheer tenacity. A human with purple hair fired energy blasts from a cannon he had slung over his shoulder, but the ponies nimbly dodged out of the way, sometimes being missed by mere inches, until finally a pegasus penetrated his guard and savaged his throat with a pair of talon-like claws. The dog-like humanoids under his command were quickly overwhelmed after the loss of their leader.

Similar scenes unfolded all across the landscape stretched before me as hopelessly outnumbered and outgunned groups of ponies, unicorns and pegasi, all wearing armor painted to match the colors of the buildings around them cut down the human troops. Along with the pegasi wielding their metal bird-of-prey talons, the magical horses were armed with other weapons I'd never seen before, ponies shod with thick, wrought-iron war hooves, unicorns wielding razor-sharp scissorblades with a deadly accuracy that could only be achieved by magic. The equines were obviously extremely well-trained, darting through the rubble of their former city like deer through a forest, their human enemies seemed surprised by the ponies ferocity. Despite this, some seemed to be putting up a good fight with a wide variety of weapondry; I saw a woman wearing thick armor wielding something that vaguely resembled an assault rife, fire green crystalline projectiles into the chest of a pony who had been advancing upon a man in a robe carrying a staff. The man nodded thanks to her, then turned and conjured fire from his hands to ward off a flock of pegasi who were harrowing a group of dog-men armed with swords and small one-handed weapons that resembled pistols.

I heard a shout behind the door at my back. I whipped around just in time to see myself, wearing an unrecognizable style of golden armor draped with furs, burst through the door, cursing in that wierd-ass language that I can't recall ever hearing or learning, but could understand nonetheless.

"Fucking taurshit! That's what this is! A clusterfuck from the beginning to the end!" Fraterlex walked right through me like a ghost and planted both hands on the railing behind me, as if he was about to hop over it, land a hundred feet below, and join the losing human forces.

I realized this was like that scene from Harry Potter; I was looking into someones memory of the final battle of the Human Wars.A surprisingly unfamiliar sensation, but UNJOs memory-sharing technology was far less vivid, tending to leave a user with vague impressions rather than actual experiences.

Fratermutis, wearing the same black cloak reinforced with chain mail and bits of silver plate metal and looking a lot more alive than when I last saw him, followed after his brother, a little more stoic, but obviously just as angry. "Treacherous, primitive, four-legged, handless animals. Just like them to wait till the moment before the planet was ours to pull another thrice-damned Alicorn out of their collective asses."

The sisters entered the room together, Sororeverax in front, Sororivita bringing up the rear. Like their statues, they resembled the girl from the dream and Ari, respectively, but with different hair color and styles. Sororeverax, with her gray hair tied in a bun and wearing a simple white dress, looked elegant and polished, but seemed to seethe with a cold, lethal rage. Sororivita seemed to be the only one who was not furious, quite the contrary, she blindly followed her sister, watering her dress made from living plants with her tears.

Fraterlex's fingers dug into the stone railing so hard that it began to crack. Sororeverax went to his side and placed a delicate hand over his. "Lex."

His eyes softened and he gazed into hers a little bit longer than I thought was appropriate, then turned to his brother. "We must do something. Our troops are being slaughtered by the hundreds, we cannot win a war and kill this alicorn. We must find a way to contain her while our civilians get to the bunkers."

"She is of another kind. Not all can resist magic the way Royals do, and the amount of ambient energy she's throwing off rivals a star in its power." The anger in his face became despair as this sunk in. "A solar flare knocking on our doorstep, overloading the auras of innocent civilians whilst we are forced to watch."

"If that is true, we must keep her as far from the children as possible." Lex turned to his oldest sister. "Vera, they are safe?"

Vera glanced at her sister, who sniffed and attempted to regain her composure. Looking back, she nodded. "They are with Father. He knows."

"You told him?"

"They are his grandchildren. He will take good care of them, no matter what."

Closing his eyes, Lex leaned back over the railing and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Huma help us all if we get out of this."

"We may need His help sooner than that." Sororivita spoke for the first time, her voice shockingly soft amid the sounds of battle. She pointed at the horizon, where a thin contrail could be seen tracing across the sky, quickly approaching. "She comes."

Lex leaned back from the railing and slipped Gravic into his hand, giving me my first good look at the thing. Defying physics, the head seemed to grow larger and heavier when it was held, going from the size of a doorstop to the size of a cinder block. The head itself seemed to reflect no light whatsoever, making it look like a boxy black hole with an ornate handle. The gilded chain attached to the end of the grip writhed like a living creature, unwinding itself around Fraterlex's waist and coiling tightly around his forearm. "Steel yourself, Vita. This is a fight that can only end in death."

The contrail continued to come closer as the other Royals readied their vulgate. They stayed like this in silent preparation, waiting for their enemy to reach them. Imagine their surprise as it began to pass right over them.

Vita's eyes widened. She cried out two words before dashing out the door at a speed far too fast for a normal human; "THE CHILDREN!"

"Vita, wait for me!" Without hesitating, Fratermutis followed his sister. Vera was about to leave as well when Fraterlex caught her arm.

"Lex, we do not have time to-" She stopped short when she saw the look on her older brother's face.

His voice was soft, and his eyes tender, a sharp contrast to the Fraterlex of a few minutes ago. "I wouldn't take any of it back."

Vera took his hands in hers and gave him a sad smile. "Neither would I."

The siblings met with a passionate, sexual kiss that dropped my jaw, bugged my eyes, and stimulated my gag reflex. I knew there was something fucked-ass-backwards about these kids.

. . .

I followed them because I felt like I should, and I had nothing other than that to go on. Stone hallways whipped past the Royals and I in a blur, and we exited the castle into the cityscape to the north. The advancing army to the south was only tangible here as the muffled sounds of battle that managed to mount the peaks of Canterlot Castle. Vehicles and people crowded the streets, but it was eerily quiet, the only sounds were the screams of death over the rooftops, and the orders called out by the human and semihuman guards, politely directing the refugees to their designated shelters. Oddly, I noticed that those taking shelter were all pure, none of them bearing any features more inhuman than oddly coloured hair or eyes. Hmm.

The buildings gave way to the upward sloping hill that became the base of the cliff face I'd approached with the royal sisters. The Royals and I sped past a stream of people, thousands strong, who were flooding into a cave in the cliffside across the field. We arrived at the floodgate into the mountain and veered away from the refugees to a meeting place where various leaders of the human forces were holding some sort of counsel.

The assembled council appeared to have no human members. Many of them were badly injured. A man with a dog head and tail was missing both eyes and the tip of his ear, but these looked long-healed. A recent injury had split his jowl down the side, making his lower lip hang down and exposing several sharp teeth. He also bore several cuts and a the hair on his neck was singed, exposing soft pink flesh underneath.

Next to him was a creature that stood on two legs with a posture akin to a persons, but a long neck and a draconic head poked out from what I thought was a cloak made from dragon skin, but actually turned out to be a pair of scaly wings, folded about himself, covering his person. Dripping red blood from beneath this scaly curtain told me that the dragon-man, too, was wounded, though I barely needed the hint, what with the shrapnel still sticking out of half his face.

After him was a creature that seemed to be designed along the same lines, built on the frame of a human, but seemingly mixed with another animal as well, in this case a bird. What bird exactly, an eagle, or maybe an owl? Unlike the dragon-man, the bird-man's face was disturbingly human, rendered even more so by the fact that his entire beak seemed have been recently ripped off, leaving him with a pair of red, fleshy, toothless lips. A pair of tawny wings jutted from his shoulders, the feathers scorched in some places.

Following him in the semicircle, were a few more recognizable, if less fantastic creatures; a tall, regal woman with pointed ears, a stunted man with a thick beard, a nine-foot-tall Minotaur missing one of his horns, a female Centaur wearing a quiver strapped between her bare breasts, and, to my surprise, a small, grey donkey, with pair of wings sprouting from his shoulders, and a stubby horn poking out of his head.

Entering the circle, Lex gently grabbed the dog-man by the chin and inspected his wound. After a moment, he released him, satisfied. "Romulus, we don't have any time for pleasantries. How many can we save?"

When he spoke, his voice rumbled deep in his chest, and his speech was slurred; he would periodically pause to slurp up a mix of blood and drool. "The council has convened. It was a clean, surgical attack. They snuck in through one of the outer entrances of the Warren, and entered when the sun was high; many of us were above-ground. From the tunnels, they were able to slip right through the outer defenses." His ears laid back and he hung his head. "My mate and pups are dead, along with countless others. The Aviary is lost. The Anubi shall fade into the void. We have failed you, and paid the price."

Lex turned to the bird- and dragon-men, a look of disbelief on his face. "Is this true?"

The dragons deep, chocolaty voice answered. "The Aviary is in possession of the enemy, and Niner died protecting the eggs. Farvran and I only escaped because Roland sacrificed his life to save us. He wished to join his bond-mate, and I do not blame him; I dearly wish to join mine as well."

The Avan looked at the dragon, and together they sighed. The bird-mans beak-less lips parted, and in his high, crackly voice said, "Too many eggs smashed, too many females slain. The Wyvern may survive, but the Avan are lost. There is nothing that can be done, now."

Lex turned to the line of refugees, which was quickly disappearing deep into the ground. "I'm afraid to ask, but were we all hit so hard?"

The woman with the pointed ears shook her head, drops of multicolored blood winging off the tips of her hair. "They knew they would not survive a trek through the elves forest, and our elders stand by their consul; moving the last of our continental forces to Canterlot was a good decision, but we did not expect the handiwork of a double-agent. They could not have entered the Warrens any other way. It is the only explanation for this tragedy."

The short man piped up, scratching idly at the half-dozen arrows embedded in his shoulder. "Of course not, you know full well I didn't connect the mines to those damned caverns in the first place, for that exact reason! How my grandfathers would roll in their graves, if I let any of your kind in my charge come to harm, and the dwarves eradicated by a bunch of handless heathens; No, we have stuffed as many Pures into the mines as we could, far away from those cursed stones."

The minotaur's report followed. The herds and farms were untouched, as they contained no pure humans, but the prisons deep in the mountains, like the Aviary, had been connected to the Warrens. As such, they were now overrun with guerrilla pony warriors, who had immediately begun to free the POWs, human criminals, and dangerous animals within, many of which immediately turned on their captors with gusto, creating even more chaos on the battlefield.

The centaur detailed that most of her kind were ferrying civilians out of the combat zones, and providing support for the other races, but they were no warriors; it seemed that with the loss of the Anubi and the Avan, the brunt of the human military force, there was little that the other races could do but get as many humans as they could into the bunkers and wait for the ponies to starve or leave, an unlikely prospect if they took the farms as easily as the rest of the city, and it seemed their attack would not end until either every pony or every human was dead.

Lex listened to all this, and his frown deepened with every word. Finally, he turned to the donkey, and it spoke. "When two blazing infernos collide, they burn each other out, but after destruction comes rebirth, and without an end there is no beginning. It may take a long time, and you may lose hope, but always a forest springs up, full of life, and from the remains of chaos, harmony may begin to take root."

The Royal nodded at this cryptic advice, then looked to the refugees, the flood thinning to a trickle as the humans were herded into the bunker, until all that was left was an old man and two kids. The old man was wearing a dark robe and his salt-and-pepper hair and beard looked like they hadn't been trimmed in a decade. His face was wrinkled with laugh lines and pocked with scars. For a moment, the man seemed familiar to me, but that was impossible.

He stopped walking and turned to look at the assembled council, peering at each of them in turn, his eyes lingering on the Royals. As his gaze passed over my incorporeal form, I looked into his eyes, and I perceived a sadness that seemed almost inhuman in its depth.

After a moment, he approached, slowly, as if each step pained him, until he was close enough that I could hear his labored breathing. In both hands he held that of a child, a boy in his right, a girl in his left. They both looked about five years old, old enough to understand that their world was falling apart. At first, I wondered who they were, but then I looked closer. The boy had grey hair like his mother, but his eyes were a deep blue like his fathers. His cousin had red hair like her mother, but hazel eyes like her father. Both of them looking cute as a button. Both of them the product of a brother and sister fucking.

The old man looked at the Royals.

The Royals looked back.

The old man sighed. "When your mother passed from this world, it lost its meaning to me. I was foolish to think your lives had stopped as completely as mine had. It was foolish of me to leave you alone, with no guidance. Take your children, hide in the bunker and let me fight her. I will reap what I have sown."

Fraterlex shook his head. "No, Father, you will only get yourself killed. Only the four of us fighting together stand a chance. Take the children, hide them and hide yourself. You are the only one I trust to take care of them."

"You are cruel to me, my son. You ask me to cower and hide, to continue living in a world without my beloved, to watch as my children are killed?"

"I would only ask it of you, because how could you not?"

"Fitting how my sentence was given by the Avatar of Justice and Penance, my oldest son. I will care for these children, better than I did my own."

"Thank you, Father. Whatever happens, I will be content knowing that my son and niece are safe with you."

The words could barely leave their lips, heavy as they were with things unsaid. A distant father and his neglected children, struggling to say goodbye. Which is why I was surprised to see the four Royals moved as one to embrace their father and children. They sat silently for a few moments, enjoying each others presence one last time, for the first time as a family.

Paterex broke the hug and took the children's hands once again. "Time is short. Adam, Eve, say goodbye, and then you must come with me."

The children, apparently too terrified to speak, waved their final goodbye to their parents, who all returned the farewell with sad smiles. With that, the King turned and headed for the bunker. He stopped only once. Looking back, he asked, "Why did you name them after my parents? I cannot imagine you having much respect for those names after the stories I told."

The Royals looked at each other for a few seconds before Vita spoke up. "Because we knew that no matter how much pain they caused you, you would still love them. Not because you have to, but because that is who you are."

The King seemed taken aback by his youngest daughters answer. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but thought better of it and walked away, disappearing into the mountainside. The door banged shut with an echoing clang, and the air was briefly permeated with the grating noises of the locks sunk deep into the mountain sliding into place. Just from the scale of the door, and the sound of the mechanisms, I guessed the bunker was so littered with redundancy, no matter how you tried to get in, it would be difficult.

The noise of the battle in the city had died down, and the muffled noise of other bunkers closing rolled over the hills, like some kind of spastic drum player. A centaur sped away from the city toward the council and the Royals, bearing news: Any humans left alive were safe in the bunkers, and the Equestrian forces were being held back at their gates. With no humans left to kill, the ponies were losing their initial ferocity, and with no humans left to defend, what was left of the Human forces were making a comeback. The tide of the battle could easily turn in either direction, but the threat of the Alicorn that I knew was Celestia still loomed overhead, like the angry eye of Sauron.

A few tense minutes passed, none of the assembled party willing to put down their weapons, nothing to do but wait for this Alicorn who seemed blessed with a power beyond what her species possessed.

A cloaked figure, obviously a pony, emerged from the city, accompanied by soldiers of the same race. They marched across the field, and came to a rest far enough away to anticipate attack, but not prevent communication. The human council looked confusedly at Celestia above. The cloaked pony came forward and addressed the Royals in a familiar voice, speaking English. "I have come to negotiate your surrender."

Farvran's eyes narrowed, and the Avan hissed, spraying blood from his savaged face. "Candy Striper!"

The pony laughed and threw back his hood. His pale fur and red stripes marked him as none other than Peppermint, the princess' butler. Now it was my turn to look confused. "Are you surprised?"

The assembled lieutenants all voiced exclamations of anger; Romulus and Farvran looked ready to attack him. In contrast, the Royals regarded him coolly, and Lex replied, "Not that there was a traitor in our midst. Nor, even particularly, that it was you. You are a Monster, after all, a servant of chaos."

"Chaos is a gentler master than your kind. Not that I would know, I serve Celestia, the most powerful of the remaining alicorns. You may hide in your holes as long as you like, but you've made yourself the enemy of an immortal. She will wait as long as she needs to."

Lex scoffed, the concerned father was gone, in his place, a confident warrior. "We are not defeated yet. The real battle hasn't even begun."

"Indeed it hasn't, but if you will not surrender, there is no need for my princess to soil her hooves with this filth you've hurled her way."

The elf-lady spoke quietly. "So you are a hypocrite as well as a traitor. You are the work of human hands just as we are, but like a spoiled child you have rebelled against your creators, in the hopes you can improve your position at the loss of theirs."

Peppermint shook his head, smiling his carnivorous teeth. "Humanity has tampered with the workings of Tartarus, and doing so have orchestrated their own demise. I am an example of the hideous power that lies beyond the black gates, and the terrible fate that awaits those who seek to use it for their own gain."

With this, he threw himself down on the ground, his front hooves spreading as the horrible, gut-wrenching squelch of bone sliding over bone permeated the post-battle silence. The pony's interlocking teeth grated against each other as he grimaced, obviously in great pain. Underneath his cloak, his body rippled unreally, rear legs lengthening, spine extending, and the cloak began to split , exposing angry red flesh dusted with pale white, downy hair. The transformation traveled up his body into his back, his forelegs pawed the ground, and his voice distorted queerly as his throat and chest rearranged themselves. I recoiled as his hooves peeled back to expose four long, thin, lobster-red fingers. He straightened, standing upright on two legs. The hood of the cloak fell back, revealing an ugly, squashed horse face frilled by a pair of curling horns. The muscles responsible for his transformation still pulsing along his body, his newly-formed shoulders rippled and the cloak exploded. A pair of fan-shaped wings unfolded themselves, and a gout of fire erupted from his mouth as Peppermint roared his frustration to the world.

There Peppermint stood, in all his putrid glory, a real-life demon from Hell, smoke pouring from his maw. His back hooves remained, quivering behind the shreds of cloak that still hung from his new waist. His muzzle, too, remained, oddly stretched, but still there, and his face was now framed by a pair of goat-like horns, and a short, whispy white beard had grown under his chin. His upper body was that of a man's, misshapen but muscular. His forelimbs now ended with clawed hands, one of them pointing a finger accusingly at the human leaders. His voice rippled through the air like a miasma, deep and echoing.

"Gaze upon me and despair, for I am an evil monster, brought into the world for no purpose but to destroy what is just and good!" He roared again, then visibly calmed himself, and when he spoke again, the dark voice was tinged with condescending sarcasm. "Do me one last favor, my most merciful masters; If you truly cannot bear to part with your lives, would you do me the justice of taking mine?"

He moved with the same impossible quickness I'd seen before, too fast for a normal human to see or even react. The human lieutenants jumped to a similar action, drawing weapons and bearing arms. The elven woman literally teleported behind him and ran him through with a bright green blade. He reached over his shoulder and grabbed her by the head, and flung her bodily into the dwarf man, who was bowled off his feet. The dwarf seemed to have the worse time of it; when he had his wind back, he could be heard berating her, "Oh, bloody hell, Nirine, you never hear of dwarves getting tossed about like that!"

The Avan and the wyvern arced to either side of the abomination, as if they were going to pincer him, but at the last moment, Farvran leapt up, and the dragon opened his mouth. From it, a torrent of blue fire I could only compare to military-grade incendiary bombing burst forth. Jerking his head to the side, Peppermint spat a red fireball that was dwarfed by the dragon's. It resisted the flood for only a second, but was overwhelmed quickly, and I thought it was the end of it.

The wyvern hovered in the air for a moment, an impossible amount of flame still pouring from him. When it ended, he tucked his wings and landed gently on the ground, his unhinged jawbones rolling back into place. Before him, the soft grass of the hill was a dying inferno. Where Peppermint had stood, the very dirt had melted into a solid, puckered sheet of black glass. A curled, glowing figure shifted visibly underneath, dying.

Or, so I thought. The light beneath the solidified soil intensified, and the entire lump began to rise out of the ground. A loud roar of effort boiled out, as well as fire. With a ear-shattering crack, the chunk shattered in two, the pieces flung outward. Peppermint, who was soot-blackened and dirty, but apparently unharmed, sank his claws into one and threw it at the wyvern. The dragon-creature stalled in midair to avoid it, squalling.

Peppermint tore the elf-woman's green blade from where it had stuck in his chest, then took to the air. His fan-like wings beat so fast they blurred, chopping up wind like helicopter blades. He darted right for the Avan, who had pulled up from the pincer attack to avoid the surprise inferno, and the bird-man whipped a bronze blade from it's scabbard to cross swords with the demon. After they traded several blows, it became clear that Farvran was the better swordsman, but then Peppermint spat a black liquid that could have been either poison or acid into his eyes, grabbed him around the neck with his two barbed, prehensile tongues, and bit his head off.

Farvran's headless body thumped to the ground, and Peppermint swallowed, a gigantic lump slipping slowly down his long neck. Then the elf was behind him again, though this time she had what looked like a bundle of steel cables in her hand. Before he could spin to meet her, she'd shoved the bundle into his wings. They caught and ground to a painful halt, the fragile bones snapping apart spectacularly. The devil fell to the ground painfully.

A long, green spear materialized in the she-elf's hands, and she drove it through through the raw wound her sword had made. Peppermint let out a pained screech, which was cut off short when the head of the spear exploded. The iron-hard flesh of the creatures abdomen rippled with the force, and the elf was spattered with a fountain of black gore, but Peppermint only seemed stunned.

The dwarf-man charged in then, swinging what appeared to be a war-hammer made from an anvil in a high arc over his head. Despite the exploding spear in his chest cavity, Peppermint caught the blow deftly on his horns, deflecting it to the side. With a sweep of his paw, Peppermint clipped the dwarf beneath the legs and launched him over his shoulders, directly into the elf. They collided, and the demon was free once more.

Peppermint spun and vomited a plume of fire over the pair, and the elf teleported away. The dwarf was not so lucky.

"SODOR!"

"NIRINE!

"BYTHEGODSPUTITOUT!" The fireball that the dwarf had become charged off, before tripping and rolling on the ground. The elf-woman teleported to the dwarf's side, conjuring mists of water from her hands to douse him.

I seemed to be the only one who noticed Peppermint slip an odd, pistol-like weapon from the shreds of his ruined cloak and aim it at the elf. There was a soft piff and the weapon discharged a tiny, glass dart, which embedded itself in her flesh. She did not seem to notice, and Peppermint was soon once again occupied, as he was charged by the drake, the centaur and the minotaur all at once.

The glass dart shattered, and I saw a tiny, green crystal glinting at me from the wound. The dwarf seemed alright, but now, the elf reached back and felt the tip of the crystal, her eyes snapping open in shock. She whipped around with a furious look on her face, which became an expression of agony as the crystal began to spread over her body. "No!"

The dragon and the minotaur were holding Peppermint by the arms while the centaur slashed him with a sword. He spat poison in her eyes and elbowed the drake in the shrapnel wound on his face. The minotaur struggled to restrain him, but he was laughing.

"You think your humans are so pure? Look at me! Look at this!" Peppermint pointed at the elf with his free arm. She had fallen to the ground, writhing as the crystal continued to spread. "You think them awful, terrible things, but they all were created by human hands. Humans only use their knowledge to control, and that which they cannot control, they destroy! Open your eyes!"

The little grey donkey, who'd been avoiding the fighting and staying out of sight, leapt into the fray. He bellowed two words in the loudest, most resonating voice I'd ever heard. "HOLD HIM."

The little donkey's horn began to glow with an otherworldly red light as he approached Peppermint, who for the first time began to show a shred of fear as the drake and the centaur moved to help restrain him. "CANDY STRIPER, WHO HAS TAKEN THE NAME PEPPERMINT, YOU HAVE COMMITTED CRIMES AGAINST YOUR CREATORS AND FELLOW CREATIONS. YOU HAVE BETRAYED YOUR PURPOSE AND THE TRUST OF YOUR FELLOWS. AS RECOMPENSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS, I, PEDRONUS THE SHREWD, SENTENCE YOUR SOUL TO BE CONSUMED BY THE DEMON-OF-THE-PIT AZERAK THE UNQUENCHABLE, AND YOUR BODY TO WANDER, LIFELESS FOR ALL ETERNITY."

Pedronus began to chant in a guttural tongue , and the red light flowed from his horn, forming a portal in front of Peppermint, who continued to struggle. A massive creature with the head of a squid and the body of a snake flopped partway out of the portal, but in a deep, primal part of me, I knew this was just a tiny portion of the real thing. I couldn't tell what color it was, and it emitted a sound I coudn't quite grasp, but I knew it was laughing. It was happy, and for no good reason.

The squid-snake snapped taut, launching itself at Peppermint and wrapping its tentacles over his mouth and nose. Pulses of light began to run the length of the demon as it sucked out Peppermint's soul. He reacted the way you would expect, screaming and writhing, the former still audible despite the inter-dimensional abomination covering his mouth.

Meanwhile, Sodor was tending to Nirine, their roles reversed. Her body was mostly encased in the green crystal, only her face, contorted with pain, and her right arm was free still. Sodor babbled nearly incoherently as he ran his hands over her, desperately searching for a way to help. "Now you just hold on, Nirine, Pedronus is going to sort the devil out, just hold on, we'll get you fixed up after the battle, don't look at me like that, you're going to be fine..."

Nirine placed her free hand on the dwarf's cheek, and it began to harden there. "Sodor... Remember to water my plants."

Nirine closed her eyes and the green engulfed them. The crystal began to fade to white and crumble to dust.

Shaking, the dwarf stood. "Fuck." He turned to the devil, whose soul was still being sucked.

An otherworldy rumble shuddered from the portal. Peppermint's fighting was becoming weak.

Everyone was watching the portal, but I looked up.

Celestia was coming.

The fury of the sun slashed down like lightning, severing Azerak's soul-sucker. The demon-of-the-pit did not scream, instead, there was a sort of anti-noise as the otherworldy limb fell to the ground and rotted to mush in seconds.

The anti-noise became an anti-voice, a quiet scratching in the deepest part of my ear. To swallow the sun would only give me a burnt tongue; I'll not fight this one, Pedronus. Release me.

Pedronus sighed, and the portal closed.

In the center of the clearing, a star blazed. Celestia was silent, in the same armor she'd fought me in, though now she was armed.

The armor had more pieces to it, a helm in the shape of a bird's head, and a pair of sheathes on either side. Her front hooves had a pair of the pegasi war-talons and the back were weighted with heavy, spiked battle-hooves. Aside from the fact that she seemed to literally glow with power, her normally rainbow-ripple mane had become a crown of blazing fire, and dirt was starting to melt into glass under her hooves. She looked dangerous.

"Peppermint, are you well?" Celestia's voice shook with concern. She'd been worried about the damn thing.

"No, but I am alive... on the outside." The creature replied hoarsely from where he'd fallen to the ground. His angry red skin had paled to a soft pink, and he was visibly shuddering. He didn't look like he was getting back up.

"Close enough."

The helm swiveled on her long neck, and there was another pause as the expressionless slit stared at the royals.

Fratermutis broke the silence. He allowed a grim smile. "Have you come to kill us all, Little Star?"

She snorted softly, like a laugh that didn't quite make it.

"No, I've come to make you all beg for death. We'll see how I feel after that."

Author's Note

It was plenty long a while ago, but I didn't want to end the chapter in the middle of a flashback.

...And Little Did I Know

Fratermutis broke the silence. He allowed a grim smile. "Have you come to kill us all, Little Star?"

She snorted softly, like a laugh that didn't quite make it.

"No, I've come to make you all beg for death. We'll see how I feel after that."

Then, several things happened at once.

The Dwarf hefted his hammer above his head and charged Celestia, bellowing Nirine's name. The minotaur and the centaur both hesitated a moment before emulating him, splitting off to either side to surround her.

Celestia's dual scissor blades whipped from their scabbards, spinning like saws. One spun toward the minotaur and barely missed his head, neatly lopping his remaining horn off close to his skull. He barely had time to bellow protest when the blade spun back and decapitated him. The other blade had gone in the direction of the centaur, and she caught it on her sword. The blades stuck for a moment, before Celestia grunted softly, and the scissors halved the bronze blade like paper. The horse-woman danced back from the spinning death trap, dodging once, twice, before the blade darted down and separated her human half from her horse half. They both fell to the ground spewing blood, and somehow, the horse body continued huffing and kicking long after the human half had gone limp.

The Alicorn herself met the dwarf's charge head-on, as in literally blocking his blow directly with her forehead. She deflected his attack to the side and continued the spin, to buck him with her heavy war-hooves. He caught one in a meaty fist, though by the cracks she'd broken every bone in it. Her free hoof smashed into his face again and again, and finally she kicked free and the dwarf fell, his brain clearly visible between the cracked plates of his skull.

"You're running out of slaves to die for you, Humans."

The Wyvern swooped down and landed before her. The little white donkey was clinging to his back. "If dying for your family is slavery, then I will call myself a slave and be proud. Now, Pedronus!"

The Donkey grunted and a glowing red blade of magic extended from his horn. He stabbed it into the back of the wyvern's neck, and the creature inflated like some grotesque balloon animal, his neck and body thickening and lengthening, rips forming and glowing with magic. The wyvern cried out and something internal gave, his reptilian body was torn though like a shed skin, hanging loosely from whatever being had materialized within. Fire spurted from the tears, and the behemoth swayed drunkenly, like a puppet missing strings.

Pedronus still rode on the glowing creature's back, and like before, he shouted an accusation with deep, booming command. "CELESTIA GALAXOS-UNIVERSA, HIGH PRINCESS OF PONYKIND, SUPREME LEADER OF THE HOOVED PEOPLE, VESSEL OF HARMONY, TAMER OF DISCORD, AND SHE WHO RAISES THE SUN, YOU HAVE COMMITTED TERRIBLE CRIMES AGAINST THE FELLOW INHABITANTS OF YOUR PLANET, INCLUDING THE HUMANS AND THEIR KIN, THE SHADOW DWELLERS, DRAGONKIND, SPIRITKIND, THEY WHO WALK ALONE, AND YOUR OWN PEOPLE. YOU HAVE KILLED AND DESTROYED WAYS OF LIFE AND ENTIRE CIVILIZATIONS, THOSE CLOSE TO YOU AND ACROSS THE EDEN. AS RECOMPENSE FOR YOUR ACTIONS, I, PEDRONUS THE SHREWD, PRINCE OF NOTHING, SON OF NESTORUS, THE LAST KING OF THE DONKEYS, SENTENCE YOUR BODY AND SOUL TO BE CONSUMED BY THE BEAST-OF-THE-INFERNO PAINTRAIN THE FIREBRAND."

Again, a kind of not-voice scratched at the base of my skull.

Is it hot in here or is it just me?

The shed Wyvern skin snapped taut and pillars of fire exploded from the tears. A pair of bright nodes where there used to be eyes cast a bright light on Celestia.

Here's where I make a joke about fighting fire with fire.

"Pedronus... What have you done? What have you unleashed?" Celestia clearly gaped behind her stoic helmet, backing away. I agreed. I would not have liked to fight that thing.

"Do whatever it takes to kill her, Paintrain," was the little white donkey's reply.

Sure thing.

The fire-balloon-wyvern-corpse-demon moved with ridiculous speed for something so large. Celestia seemed to have a difficult time reacting, let alone trade blows with the demon, so she streaked away in the opposite direction. Any time she would seemingly gain some distance, it would just speed up, as if it wasn't affected by the rules of our reality.

Finally, she rocketed up into the sky, seemingly trying to draw him away from the city or into space or something. Which was disappointing, because after a few moments, even the massive form of Paintrain shrank to a nearly-invisible speck.

Then it exploded.

The fireball took up a greedy spot in the sky, dwarfing a thunderhead approaching from the west. After a few seconds, the cloud shuddered, then began drifting in the other direction, as if it had been scared off by the detonation.

It took nearly ten seconds for the sound to hit us. It rippled through the air like a physical wave, though all that reached the Royals was a strong, hot wind, and a soft whistling noise, like a tea kettle left on too long.

"Are they..?"

"So much energy, I can feel my aura tingling. Surely the demon self-destructed to fill his charge." Lex shook his head, before his youngest sister attracted his attention. "What's wrong, Vita?"

Sororevita clutched her breast, breathing heavily. She seemed barely able to form words. "She is still alive!" she cried.

Lex looked up again. "That's impossible! Paintrain is a level ten malevolent entity, he is the fires of Tartarus! He should've chewed her up and swallowed her, then washed her down with a few thousand mortal souls! How could she have killed him and survived? She's just a child!"

Vita shook her head. "We were blind, Lex. We draw our power from the people, the collective soul of humanity. We are strong when they are strong. We were fools to think she was the same. I see it now, Lex, it's backwards. The ponies draw their power from the Alicorns, the Alicorns draw their power from the gods. And now the gods are angry."

Realization dawned on Lex's face. "We thought that by destroying her subjects, we would make her weaker, but we were only focusing her power, funnelling it. Huma help us all."

There was a small flash of teleportation, and Celestia joined us once again. Her body and armor were intact and her eyes were closed. Around her body, a sort of spectral afterimage glowed, tendrils of light whipping around randomly. Several tendrils held a small white donkey tightly in their grip. He struggled against them, swearing inaudibly. The tendrils whipped, and the donkey spun away, landing several miles in the distance. A thick orb of gold surrounded her, and some kind of simplified pony made of light whirled about her, it's edges blurred by a corona of energy. For a second, the entity looked at me and I felt a chill. Could it see me?

It looked away, at the Royals, and narrowed it's light-eyes. Then it merged with Celestia, and her eyes opened. They were flat gold, glowing with energy, like Twilight's had not so long ago. Celestia's own voice echoed in my head. Her emotions have taken control of her powers.

The voice was totally unlike the demons, which had been dark and subtle. This one was bright and keening, layered over Celestia's in my head, even though her lips didn't move. The entitie's power could be glimpsed through the connection, and it was so vast that it actually hurt a little.

Your god cannot help you now. You have hurt my children. You have made a mess of my home. You will be punished.

The four royals gaped at her. Pedronus flew close again, the waves of power rolling off him were massive, but nothing compared to the god's. It spoke to him.

Do not interfere, child. You meddle in matters you cannot even begin to understand.

"HOW DARE YOU! I AM THE LAST OF THE ONALLOCORNS, HEIR TO THE FALLEN KINGDOM OF JAKASINUS! MY FATHER WAS NESTORUS THE TITAN, THE LAST GOD-KING OF THE DONKEYS, MY MOTHER MARINAIA-OF-THE-SIREN-SONG! I STOPPED BEING A CHILD THE DAY YOUR FATHER KILLED MINE, AND NOW YOU DARE TELL ME NOT TO MEDDLE?! I'LL SHOW YOU MEDDLING!

A charge of pure white magic gathered at the tip of Pedronus' horn; clearly putting into it everything he had, it released as a giant, white-hot orb, careening at Celestia with extreme speed.

One of her light-tentacles whipped out and caught the ball gently, cupping it like a baby. She held it up to the light as if to inspect it.

An impressive charge, considering how little of my essence lives within you. But you are still mine, Pedronus, no matter how much you wish it was not so.

She wrapped the titanic ball of energy in her tentacles, compressing it. When she opened them, a living dove fluttered out, circled her once, then flew away. She watched it for a moment, seemingly entranced. Pedronus stomped his hoof, roaring, gouging a hole in the earth.

The god's glowing eyes snapped back to him, and narrowed in anger. With sudden violence, her tentacles whipped out again, wrapping around his neck and hooves, pulling him off the ground. His wings flapped powerfully, churning wind, but he was no match for her.

"No! Let go of me!"

You are a child, ignorant and blind. Your father was warned, if his people rebelled again, they would be exterminated. For their sake, it is fortunate you are not their king.

Her appendages snapped down again and again, slamming the jack brutally into the dirt, again and again. I lost count how many times. Finally, after an eternity, she stopped. The little broken donkey hung limply, but his eyes burned brightly with hatred, and he still struggled against the unbreakable light bonds. I was surprised he was still conscious; she'd dug down to the bedrock with his body. He spat soil, teeth, and silver blood.

"Is that... all you've got? C'mon... I'm not dead, yet! Let's... let's go again..."

The god ignored him. Her appendages went taut, racking the jack. He grunted, and I could hear his abused skeleton straining, crackling against itself. Consider this a reminder.

His right wing tore from it's socket with a sickening squelch, and finally Pedronus screamed, first high with agony, then trailing off into a low keen of despair. Then he sobbed, once.

While Celestia had been distracted punishing Pedronus, the Royals had taken position. Now they struck.

"Leave him alone!" Fraterlex leaped up and swung his hammer in a high arc over his head. The dark head, enlarged to nearly the size of a fridge, collided with the sphere surrounding Celestia...

...and stopped dead.

"...Impossible..."

The god giggled girlishly and swung a tentacle at him. He blocked with his hammer, rocking backward on his heels, and like an oiled machine, Mutis and Vera took his place, scythe and shovel spinning in unison. Lex fell back and asked his youngest sister seriously, "Vita! What manner of sorcery is this? We should be cutting through that shield like butter!"

The youngest royal shook her head again, "I don't know! It looks like she's just... absorbing our auras, like no matter how much of her magic we negate, there's more to take it's place. Could her power be limitless? Is that possible? This is unreal..."

Lex stared at his siblings attacking the pony-god, and his eyes hardened as she giggled again. She was playing with them.

"Brother, if we opened the Ley Gates... the power of the people... we could..."

"No. It cannot come to that, not again. We will defeat her together or not at all. ROYALS! TO ME!"

Mutis and Vera flipped out of Celestia's reach, joining their brother. The Royals joined hands in a circle, grasping each others weapons.

Gravity

Time

Light

Life

When the void comes, we will meet it.

Together.

WE ARE ROYAL. WE ARE HUMAN.

Chunks of earth began to break free, twirling like planets in orbit. Time stopped.

The god giggled again, which was cut short when a thick, dense beam of energy shot from the group and collided with her sphere. The beam began to slowly cut through the shield, until she focused her tendrils of light into a similar beam, beating it back. They pushed against each other, unstoppable forces meeting immovable objects.

Celestia won.

The Royals were bowled apart like pins. She pounced.

Enough.

The royals seemed only slightly fazed. The oldest and youngest took their turn distracting Celestia, Lex dealing heavy blows with his hammer, Vita darting in to block any returned by the alicorn.

"Brute magic isn't going to win us this one, brother." Fratermutis spun his scythe, breathing heavily. "We need an alternate strategy."

As he said this, Vita missed her parry, and a spear of light cut through her stomach.

All four Royals cried out together.

Vita fell back, clutching her midriff. Vera, wasting no time, leapt back into the fray, but the god, heartened by her successful blow, redoubled her efforts. "Tis! A little help, please?"

A whip of light struck Vera across the face, lifting her off the ground and spiraling her into the air. Another whip snapped into Lex's crotch with an audible crunch, rocketing him twenty feet straight up.

Enough. I tire of this.

Lex got almost a full second of hang time before painfully hitting the ground. "Speak for yourself," he grunted, an octave higher than before. He cleared his throat. "Royals! Fall back to the cliffs!"

The Royals split in different directions, and Celestia seemed unsure of which one to follow. The humans took full advantage, disappearing into the mountainside. In my memory-specter form, it was not difficult to follow.

They met in a little cave with trinkets strewn about and child's drawings on the walls.

Tis kicked one of the toys softly and chuckled. "Remember these?"

Vera smiled and gestured at the walls of the cave, pointing out one in particular, depicting four human stick figures holding hands in a circle around a stick-pony with wings and a horn. "Remember this one?"

Vita giggled, clutching her stomach, her injury apparently only minor. "She made us sit still for almost an hour, and look how it turned out...."

Lex ran a finger down the drawing, almost tenderly, his eyes lingering on the stick-pony in the center.

"Well, you know what they say about old friends; they make the most bitter enemies."

"What in Tartarus are we going to do?"

"The Eye is watching New Huma. The government, the aristocrats, the last of the factories and the farms, those are all going to be essential if we survive, and if we don't, they'll be that much more important."

"The Eye's gaze stays where it is. The nukes are primitive and slow, not to mention dirty and spiteful, barely worth the thought. We only have one option, the Ley Gates. We can open them and fuel our attack with the fear and anger of twenty billion human souls. "

"Boys? I don't know about you, but I've never done this before. How can we be sure it will work?"

"We can't, Vita. All we can do is try to follow in Dad's footsteps, and hope we're strong enough."

Lex took Vera's hands in his. "Even if we live through this, we won't be the same when we come back."

I decided to go outside. I walked out of the cave, and the demon-Celestia was still searching, casting some sort of scanning beam from her horn. It was probably only a matter of time until she found them.

"Hey!" I yelled, waving my arms at her from the mouth of the cave. She didn't turn. I guess she can't see me.

A blast of white light shot from the cave, streaking towards the god-pony. It collided with her with far more force than any of the blows she'd recieved earlier.

This just seems to piss her off.

Vera, Avatar of Light and Truth, seemed to have taken the form of a living corona of photons, vaguely female-shaped. I had trouble looking directly at her. She moved instantaneously, striking faster than even my eyes could see.

Next came Tis, Avatar of Change and Time. His form appeared to be a rip in space-time, and he didn't so much move as shift, appearing suddenly on the battlefield and phasing in and out of visual range.

Vita, Life and Growth, also seemed to have a shifting form, first appearing as some sort of fleshy wolf, but as she got farther from the cave, her form reshaped itself into a winged serpent. She spat fire and magic in a rainbow of colors, trailing it behind her as her speed blurred her.

Finally, Fraterlex, Justice and Penance. He was a swirling black shadow, and as he passed, his aura tore chunks of stone and detritus from the land around him, and they began to orbit him, curling in on themselves to form tiny planetoids.

The four abstract concepts began to circle Celestia, increasing in speed until they blurred together into a ring of whirling color. Seemingly in response, Celestia's light grew more intense, until my poor mortal eyes could barely make out what the fuck was happening.

There was a loud tearing noise that came from everywhere and nowhere. I couldn't grasp the true nature of Celestia's attack.

If this whole thing hadn't been some sort of spectral vision, the flash would have burned my eyes out, and in all likelihood, I'd be dead. The next parts, I didn't so much see as feel. I sensed the death of the Royals as I knew the rest of humanity had.

The youngest, Vita, died first. Celestia's magic swallowed her, burning and corrupting her, drowning her. Her essence was already weakened from witnessing all the death that day, and when it came in contact with Celestia's hate and rage, and the death within Celestia's own heart, it simply wilted and died, like a spring flower killed by an unexpected frost. She died without a mark on her.

Vera died next, her light burning bright against Celestia's, until the two were hard to tell apart, and then I realised that I couldn't tell them apart. Celestia's immortal soul had burned Vera's out, like two wildfires clashing.

Fratermutis fought valiantly, but he was his own undoing. She somehow faked him out and sent him in two directions at once, his own power over time tearing him into pieces.

Fraterlex tried to kill her by sacrificing himself, imploding on himself and trying to suck her in.

It didn't work.

There was a sort of reality-snap as normal physics sprang back into place like a rubber band. At that point I realized how close this fight had come to tearing the very fabric of the universe apart.

Colors returned and I saw that Celestia still hovered over the battlefield in god-form. The bodies of the Royals fell where they would rest for the next six thousand years, the security systems in their weapons taking over to preserve their masters.

My spectral self began to dissolve. My last glimpse of the memory was Celestia's face. It's hard to read horse emotions, but I swear she was crying.

My feet hit the wood floor of Dirty Mike's as they had before. I stood, numb for a moment.

I poured myself another drink.

"Now do you understand, John?"

I looked at Lex, dumbfounded. "Fuck no, are ya goofy?"

Lex and his companion, who he still hadn't introduced, facepalmed simultaneously.

"Well, allow me to clarify; My mother was murdered and my father went into a depression that lasted several hundred years. In that time, my siblings and I initiated a cleansing war against all non-human inhabitants of Eden. That may sound awful to you, but similar wars have been fought on Earth, against far more human opponents. We killed their leaders, hoping it would topple their civilization, but we overlooked one detail. With her dying breath, Celestia's mother hid her and her baby sister in the Ethereal, a dimension of pure, endless magic that Humans are physically incapable of entering. My theory is that she and her sister absorbed so much ambient magic in the Ethereal that they became tied to it, and capable of tapping into it's magic at any time. We'd created our own worst enemy; a creature capable of tapping into enough magical energy to overload even a Royal's aura."

"Ok, I got that much. Get to the part that actually has something to do with me."

"I'm getting there. Celestia organized the last of her race into a formidable fighting force, and like so many global takeover attempts, our forces were spread thin. She didn't even bother trying to take her country back, she headed right for Canterlot with a thirst for Royal blood. You just witnessed the results of that."

"Yeah, you got your asses kicked."

"I guess I couldn't have said it better myself. After we died, Father had no fight left in him. He surrendered with no terms and used the Meridian we'd built in Canterlot to take the rest of Humanity to the nearby seed-world that would eventually become Earth. I have no memories beyond that. Gravic preserved my memories within himself, in the hope that humans would one day return to Eden. Fraterlex would be pleased to learn that they have. This planet is the closest thing humanity has had to a home since Huma was destroyed. You are the reincarnation of Fraterlex, and by claiming Gravic as your weapon, you've activated the Royalty genes hidden within you. You will be the vanguard to our return."

"What if I don't wanna?"

"Then you're a fool, and you'll be sorely disappointed. Even creatures as powerful as us are still slaves to providence. Or did becoming stranded on an alien planet of magical horses figure into your plans somehow? If so, I'd love to hear it."

"Point taken. I still don't understand a lot of this, in fact, I'm taking this remarkably well for someone with no prior knowledge of what's going on, so I'm just gonna take this opportunity to ask you a few qustions. First, if you're dead, then how are you talking to me, and a follow-up question, who is this and why is he not talking to me?"

"I am what you would call a 'ghost,' basically, I'm a dead creature with no soul whose memories are being sustained by an alternate power source, namely Gravic, which brings me to your next question, this gentleman is Gravic's representation of himself in your mind. He can't talk because he's a hammer, duh, but he has to be here because his life force is sustaining me. As far as memories go, I have nearly Lex's full life other than unobtainable natal memories, but I have none of his personality or morals. We built this astral plane to have a true conversation with you, and to explain a few things."

"Well, you've explained it, and I don't really care. Fuck you and your stupid ancient war, fuck Eden and all it's bullshit, and especially fuck Celestia. I want to go home, drink a beer, smoke a cig, and go to sleep in my own bed and not wake up. I definitely don't want to get involved in any ancient prophesies."

"Well, get over it. If you'd take a moment to think, you'd realize that I'm not particularly invested in your actions, I'm dead. I don't even have a soul. So, listen up, if you want to go back to Earth, you'll have to re-activate the Earthen Meridian, and to do that, you'll need the treasure hidden within the Canterlot Vessel. That's the sealed bunker Celestia was talking about. The Meridian will open a Ley Gate between Earth and Eden, allowing humans to travel back and forth instantaneously. Your return to Earth will spark attention, and soon enough, humans will be flooding back to this planet in droves. If you truly wish to return home, our goals are one and the same."

I sighed, feeling helpless for the first time in a long time. "Fine, If that's all you want me to do, I'll do it, but I'm not happy about it. I seriously just wanna go home. Anything else is secondary to me."

"I'm a fucking ghost, I can't be happy about anything. I'm just telling you what Lex would tell you."

I shook my head, at a loss and still extremely confused. "This isn't really a solution, Casper, I'm not exactly much closer to my beer and cigarette. Celestia isn't just gonna let me walk into the place, especially if she knows what I plan to do."

"I don't mean to sound indifferent, but that's not really my problem, is it? Oh wait, nevermind, I did mean to sound indifferent. Be creative, you're a Human, and a Royal, I'm sure you'll figure it out. In the mean time, feel free to take advantage of this simulation. I believe the beers are where they were, and you'll find the cigarettes in their usual spot as well."

I narrowed my eyes at him, grabbing three beers from the fridge and snagging the pack of cigarettes from the drawer. I lit one and cracked one, handing the other two to the other two. "So, what happens now?"

"We can just hang out for a while, if you want. I will dissipate when this simulation ends, and time is doesn't exist here. You will be returned to Eden, and your mission will begin. In the mean time, wanna watch the game?"

"Yeah, actually. I'd like that."

. . .

Brain: Well, that was wierd.

Mouth: This beer tastes like dreams.

(Door opens, DNA enters)

Brain: Officer on deck!

DNA: At ease. We just got a private communication from outside. I have orders to activate the Royalty protocol.

Brain: The Royalty protocol? I wasn't informed.

DNA: Neither was I, but apparently it's a thing. Do you remember all that extra equipment they installed back when we were in wet dock? Apparently, this is what that's for. (Hands Brain a thick folder of documents) And I thought we were already non-standard; We're supposed to double structural support and efficiency, increase brain function, metabolism, the works.

Brain: (Eyeing the documents shrewdly) Well, I guess we better get to it.

Author's Note

I hate this chapter (and the previous one to an extent), I hated writing it and reading it isn't a treat either. But unfortunately, I felt it was necessary, and now it's finally fucking done, so I can get back to the good part.
I sincerely apologize for making you sit through the previous ten thousand words, we may now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

And A Skeleton Popped Out!

I came back to my body in a rush, gasping as true sensation returned to my limbs. I was soaked with sweat and my back was killing me. My head swam with a slight buzz, apparently that booze had been realer than I thought. Gravic the Fallhammer was in my hand.

I rolled over and stood, stretching. The defense field had dissipated, and in the center of the circle of fallen rocks was what appeared to be a sphere of dense bone the size of a fist. Fraterlex's remains. After a moment of thought, I picked it up and stuffed it in my pocket. At the very least, I could bury it, if I could burn it, that'd be great.

After a bit of looking around, I found that Celestia and Luna had left, which wasn't surprising. The sun was long set, it had clearly been several hours since I had first touched the hammer. I took this as a sign to not waste time, it's not like I need their fucking permission to explore a human ruin that by all rights belong to the humans, i.e. me.

Lex's ghost had given me directions to the Canterlot Vessel, which had been sealed after all the humans had left. It was apparently one of the largest of it's kind, built into the cliffs beside Canterlot, which were rich with gems and crystals. There were several entrances, one of which was nearby. I beelined to it.

Sure enough, a carved slab of rock that was actually a door revealed itself. It was well-hidden, if someone had just been passing by, they would have thought it was simply a section of cliff face, but Lex's ghost had pointed out what to look for; symmetrical cracks in the rock that gave it away. I touched the door, and was surprised to find a synthetic voice speaking Old Humish or whatever the fuck the pink text is.

"Welcome, Your Highness. The Canterlot Vessel is currently in security lockdown. Would you like to bypass the lockdown?"

"Um, yeah."

"Royal bypass confirmed. Warning: Primary automated security systems have been shut down due to atrophy. Secondary security systems are not capable of recognizing human beings and will attack on sight. Do you still want to proceed?"

"Great. Yeah, let's go."

"Confirmed. Please enjoy your stay."

"I'm sure I will." I sighed. Typical. The door slid open quietly, revealing a drilled tunnel going straight down and a dusty ladder attached to the side. I swung myself into the hole and began to descend, only to have the door slide shut above me, plunging me into darkness. "Great."

The voice chimed in my ear again. "Sarcasm detected. Is there a problem, Your Highness?"

"Well, it's dark as shit and it smells like something fucking died in this hole, but other than that, I'm alright."

"Sarcasm increased. Unfortunately, this facility is running on emergency power, and most illumination has been shut down, as well as the primary maintenance systems. As a result, it seems that aphotic ecosystems has formed in several of the larger chambers of the facility, which would account for the odor."

"Gross. How long is this fucking ladder?"

"The tunnel you are currently in is an emergency exit, and is one of the shorter tunnels of it's kind. At your current speed, you will reach the main service tunnel in 63 heartbeats. If you'll pardon my asking, is this your first time visiting the Canterlot Vessel? Your DNA does not match any Royal signatures in my database, and you do not seem very familiar with the facility."

"You could say that. I'm from Earth, actually, apparently I'm descended from Royals or some shit, I dunno, I wasn't fucking paying attention. I was told all of this by Fraterlex's fucking ghost, and a hammer. Are you a ghost, too?"

"I am a digital construct embedded into this vessel's systems. I am responsible for maintaining the vessel's function and aiding humans in it's operation. Is there anything in particular I can assist you with?"

My boots touched soft dirt. I couldn't smell any cave gas or anything, just the soft scent of earth and rot, so I lit my Zippo and let my eyes adjust to the light. The cavern was carved from solid stone, with broken lights set in the ceiling. Loamy soil covered the ground. The tunnel extended in either direction away from the ladder. "Where do you guys keep all the treasure? I was told there would be treasure."

"Anything valuable to be kept in the vessel would likely be near the central control chamber, in the center of the vessel. Is there a specific item you would like me to locate?"

"I was told it could activate the Earthen Meridian."

"There are no objects within my database that match that description."

"Shit. I don't know, you're the ancient computer that has all the answers, don't you have anything I can work with?"

"The First Oracle, Pithia of Delphi, was visiting the vessel when Celestia attacked human-controlled Canterlot. This was when I was told to prepare the vessel for the arrival of the human populace. I have record of her entering the vessel, but not of her leaving. It is likely that she still rests in the central control chamber as well, as she remains off my sensors, and that is one of the few areas within the vessel where I have limited surveillance."

"How does some lady's six-thousand-year-old corpse help me activate the Meridian?"

"Pithia was an Oracle, the first and most powerful of her kind. They are constructs, of sorts, similar to me, but infinitely more complex. Oracles were heavily utilized in the war against the ponies, their strategies and tactics were almost clairvoyant in their brilliance, and their knowledge in all things seemed nearly boundless. The vessel you stand in and many of it's kind were her design. If Pithia still exists, the operation of a Meridian would be a simple task for her."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, sighing. "All I'm trying to do is activate the Earthen Meridian. I was told that what I need to do that is hidden in this vessel. I don't care what form that McGuffin takes, as long as it works. Now, please, take me to it."

"Continue down this tunnel until you reach a split, then take the left path. "

The left path took me into a larger chamber, and now I could tell where the stink was coming from. Bioluminescent plant life, indeed, it looked like Avatar and Sanctum had some hot, nasty sex in here. Smells like it, too.

Between the soft blue and white glow of the plants, the flicker of a campfire could be seen. I walked to it. Sure enough, a set of three bone-thin humanoid figures squatted in a semicircle around it. Scratch that, did I say bone-thin? I meant actual bones. They're skeletons.

I hate cliches.

"Intruder alert. Identify."

"John Salem, Onawash, Wisconsin. Uh, kneel before the king?"

"Unauthorized. Removal in progress." They were on me in less than a second, skittering like insects through the brush and latching onto me. Damn, they're fast.

"Fuck-ass!" I cried, cursing on instinct. Not my finest work, but I was distracted, so there you go. They tried to wrestle me to the ground, but they were weak as skinny children, which made me actually laugh out loud. Then, after they seemed to realize that wasn't going to work, they all pulled what appeared to be crystalline knives from within their rib cages. These knives actually gave me cause for concern, in moments I was covered in cuts on any exposed skin. I remembered Gravic.

I reached to my belt, grabbing the handle, but it slipped out and fell to the ground, and suddenly the skeletons lost their grips and smashed to the floor.

I was confused for a moment, but then I remembered, the Fallhammer. The foliage around me had folded and snapped to the ground as well. Stop, hammer time.

I picked up the hammer, breaking the spell. The skeletons remained in pieces.

"So, uh, where do I go now?"

"Utilize the personal lift at this chamber's center. It will take you to Central Control directly."

"Sweet, thanks, toots."

Author's Note

Hey, I remembered my password!

...lucky me....

And It's A Bad Motherfucking Day To Be A Spider

The lift took me down, down through the vessel, for an even longer time than the ladder did.

"How fucking big is this place?"

"The vessel extends 231 kilometers below the surface of Eden."

"Jesus fuck-off Christ, that's like 150 miles! How fast am I going?"

"The lift you are currently occupying has just begun it's deceleration cycle down from it's max speed of 750 kilometers per hour."

"Double Christ."

I waited a few more moments, and the lift deposited me at the entrance of a tall chamber. It was dark, by the flickering light of my Zippo I failed to see the walls or the ceiling.

"Suck my dick!" I called into the void, hoping to gauge the size of the cavern by the echo. It was a solid three seconds before the returning call of "My dick, my dick!" answered out of the abyss. And with it came a terrible chattering, like a band or maracas strung up on twanging clotheslines.

"What the fuck?" I said out loud, in a whisper. The chattering continued for another second, and then stopped, all at once, echoing eerily. I was getting genuinely creeped out at this point, suppressing a shiver down my spine as I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other.

The floor beneath my feet was all I could see for a long time, the same featureless, gray shale, occasionally dotted with a fossilized sea creature. I thought of my poor little lighter and came to a decision. This was a really long fucking cavern and I can't remember when I filled this thing last. I stopped walking, and closed my eyes, then flicked the only light I had shut.

The chattering started again, and I began to genuinely panic.

"Computer lady? Cortana? Siri?"

"If you had bothered to ask, you would know that my name is Mancala."

"Mancala, I'm sorry, I need your help, please. I'm going to shit myself if I don't get some context to what the fuck is going on."

"The sensors I have access to indicate the life forms that have taken residence in the chamber are eusocial and colonial to some degree, and avoiding you by a wide margin. It's possible they have an aversion to you, as a Human Royal you represent a significant threat. I will activate emergency lights to lead you to primary control access. From there you can initiate a full reboot of the vessel, which will flush the local biosphere and reseed from scratch."

A little red light flicked on in the distance.

"God bless your fucking soul, Mancala. If it was possible, I'd kiss you."

I took off at a full sprint, following the beacon. I didn't feel like much of a significant threat. To my horror, the chattering got louder as I ran.

Just as I was reaching my limit, the light started to get closer. Tears in my eyes, I could see the little light, my savior, my saving grace...

I tripped.

My leg is fucking caught on something! It's got me!

I was launched upward, I don't know how high, I can't see.

I could feel the thing, trying to bite me. It's teeth were blunt, like a person's, and as I pushed it away I felt a fleshy nose and a mass of curly beard. I pulled my knife, my last ditch effort, and I must have got an eye. The bastard screeched and leaped off me, knocking my wind away.

I gasped, rolling to my feet and running for my actual fucking life in the dark.

Oh my God in Heaven hear my prayer, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil...

Running to that little light. It was set in a circular stone slab at waist height, I nearly bagged myself on the console.

"Mancala!?!"

The light flicked from red to green and a palm print glowed on the console. I slapped that motherfucker.

"Royal signature accepted. Full system reboot in progress."

A sphere flashed into being, a shield of some kind, we've all played the new Halo. Beyond the field, nuclear fire raged, incinerating the aphotic biosphere that had come into being in the absence of Human maintenance. The monsters, in the light of their destruction, were big fuck-off spiders with hairy faces that were definitely not human. Maybe a little fleshy, but nothing like the melting old man face I'd imagined.

I guess the dark does weird stuff to your head. At least now I don't have to imagine the melting part.

"So, Mancala, how long is the reboot or whatever gonna take?"

"It will take less time if you would stop wasting my processing power on inane questions. I've been running on point-zero-zero-one percent power for six thousand years; you can wait five minutes while I spin up the reactor and burn out some of this gunk. You'll find I clean up quite nicely."

"Cleaning up is what I'm talking about, I'm gonna need a fresh pair of pants. Seems I've pissed myself."

. . .

Dick: My bad, guys. Bladder's on my team, I'm supposed to keep him under control.

Brain: I don't think any of the previous situation was in our control. Valiant effort, boys.

. . .

Mancala wasn't lying, she did clean up nicely. Not just the giant underground cavern part, though that was very nice to look at as well. Seeing a Human for the first time in days was refreshing, especially after what I'd been though. The woman was short, and plain-looking, with brown hair and a heart-shaped face; She kinda looked like a soccer mom. Without breathing or blinking or even moving very much, she explained that the pretty woman who brought me some fresh pants was a robot, controlled by her. The robot-lady spoke in Mancala's voice, leading me through the bunker. "What do you think, Your Grace?"

"It's gourgeous, Mancy. You're gourgeous." Crystalline lamps had sprung to life along the ceiling, illuminating the gigantic space. You could have easily fit a pair of football stadiums end-to-end in this chamber that is supposedy the control room. Big, trundling machines folded out of trapdoors, and seemed to be laying down sod, beginning the process of covering the stone floor. "Why are they doing that?"

"The interior of the vessel is designed to be a perfect, sustainable ecosystem built around Human beings. I have been in standby for a very long time and I would very much like to have some Humans living inside me again. It is my purpose, after all, what point is there in an empty vessel?"

"Hate to disappoint you, toots, but I'm the only one here." I shook my head, daunted by the sheer scale.

"We'll see. In my experience, where there is one Human, more tend to follow. In that vein, I have taken the liberty of awakening the Oracle of Delphi. She will be arriving momentarily."

Another trapdoor opened in the floor, and a box that could only be described as a casket was hoisted up. There's gonna be a fucking dead body in there.

I hate when I'm right.

The casket slid open with a hiss, allowing the smoky smell of dried flesh to escape, and revealing a clearly female mummified corpse. She had been stored wearing a blue dress with gold adornments, there were dried flowers and trinkets with her as well. "Oh, man, she's dead as hell, is this her?"

"Pithia died in the Reckoning, felled by a unicorn soldier as she led civilians to the bunker. Her body was recovered and stored here. The Oracle had not chosen a new host, and decided to remain within me during the Culling. Apparently she foresaw herself serving some sort of purpose here."

I reached out to touch the corpse, on instinct, as if I could glean some knowledge from a touch. Little did I know.

The moment I touched the mummified hand, it jerked with movement, and before I could pull away, it had me, the corpse pulling me close and screeching "LET ME IN!"

It wasn't really a negotiation.

. . .

Celestia didn't need prophetic dreams or magical clairvoyance to sense that John had done it.

The tremors from the mountain shook the castle down to it's base. Waking from a feast-induced coma to the rumbling of a wing of the castle collapsing had put Celestia in a particularly unforgiving mood. It was bad enough that Humanity had resurfaced, and was now on the fast track to once again becoming a potential threat to her species,

But couldn't he at least accomplish it in a timely manner, during business hours?

The Celestial Sisters flapped laboriously together over the cliff side, gliding over the hedge maze, looking for him.

They found him in a clearing nearly a mile from where they had left him, wearing different trousers and a haunted look. He'd made a little campfire and continued to stare into it as they approached, as if searching for answers.

"So, John, how did things go?" She asked him casually, deciding to just let him react how he would and deal with it.

"I shut down the anti-magic field. You should be able to get in, now." He still didn't move.

Celestia turned to go inspect the Vessel, but Luna hesitated. "John, what happened?"

"I learned that this isn't over. Not by a long shot." He stood up and crossed his arms, shadows covering his cheeks. "I wanna go back to Ponyville. I need to talk to Twilight, and I made a promise to a monster."

And We Get Some Breakfast

The sisters insisted that I stay for dinner, assuring me that they would have me on the first train back to Ponyville. I obliged, my head in a fog.

Pithia of Delphi was moving in.

Ugh, why could you not have been older? I detest young hosts. So many annoying thoughts flying around, so few neat memories to organize.

"I'm not exactly pleased about it, either."

"I'm sorry, John? Did you say something?"

"No, I'm just talking to myself." Thank God, there's coffee.

Stop doing that. You don't believe in God.

I poured myself a cup and ignored the Oracle. The breakfast was buffet-style and surprisingly thorough considering my watch said it was four-thirty in the morning. I piled on eggs and decided to try the hay bacon. Sitting at the long table, I buttered some toast and waited for somebody to say something.

Celestia took a graceful bite of pastry and chewed, surprising me by speaking with her mouth full. "So, John, we're going to need to talk about your continued presence in Equestria. You are certain you wish to go back to Ponyville?"

"Yeah, I've never been a big city type, really. My long-term plan is still to go home to Earth as soon a possible." The sisters looked at each other, and Celestia swallowed awkwardly. Luna's fork squeaked on her plate as she telikinetically cut her waffles.

Celestia phrased the next question gently. "Did you have a plan in mind to accomplish that?"

"The same way Paterex got there. The Earthen Meridian."

The Meridians were apparently a sort of faster-than-light transportation system, used by humans since before they'd arrived on Eden. Pithia had explained it to me, something about forming quantum tunnels using transitive links. Basically, it was like a teleportal, you could move a certain amount of matter a certain distance, so long as you had a station on either end. Unfortunately, the Vessels, the source of the Meridian's energy, had been running on emergency power for several thousand years. Luna spoke, in exclamation as seemed to be her habit. "The Meridian? I thought that it no longer functioned."

This was a bit of a lie of omission. On top of Paterex's promise to shut down all human activity on Eden and never return, the Sister's still attempted to sabotage the Meridian system. They'd failed, but apparently I'd need to move some rubble. As if a slew of handless savages could damage Human engineering with Victorian-era technology.

"Stop being racist," I said out loud. Luna was taken aback, so I changed the subject quickly. "What I mean is, they haven't been damaged as badly as you thought. Sadly, the kind of move I need is going to take a few months to prepare. About eleven."

Three hundred and eighteen Edenic days, a little less than eleven months, but who's counting?

"I'll be counting every minute."

Celestia stifled a belch and I suppressed a laugh, and she gestured at me with her fork. "You have to understand that we can't just let you run amok in our kingdom. There are species on Eden that still worship your kind as gods, you're a diplomatic incident waiting to happen."

"I agree, and I still want to be involved in this planet's crap as little as possible."

"Eat," She said, gesturing again with her fork. I'd piled eggs on my toast but I'd just been staring at the hay bacon as if I could glean it's answers. I yielded and bit into the toast. It was pretty damn good. Celestia, satisfied, levitated a pair of hay bacons and stuffed them in her mouth, speaking with mouth full again. "I will grant your request for political asylum in my country on one condition."

I tried the bacon myself. "And what condition is that?"

The Princess swallowed heavily, her long horse throat squelching audibly as the food slid down it.

"I want you to become my student."

. . .

The hay bacon was shit, it tasted like fucking grass, and I should've expected it. I'd never considered the possibility that I'd died and gone to actual Hell, but now it was a very real and scary possibility. They say that the Lord works in mysterious ways, Satan probably does, too.

You are not in Hell, and people say that because they want to believe in Him. You, however, need to stop wasting precious mental energy on hypothetical contemplation. Your predicament is very real.

So, to explain the Pithia of Delphi situation, it seems that the Oracle has merged herself with my being, fueling her essence with my body's life force in a very parasitic manner. I could feel her rummaging around in my memories with a reckless thirst for information. I could sense her mind somewhat as well, and I now understood why they called her a clairvoyant. The lady (she was indeed a lady, she was a living human once,) was seriously smart, like ten-steps-ahead-of-everybody-in-the-room smart. Wall-street-one-percent-sociopath smart. And with a few thousand years of wisdom to back that up, it had been easy for her to play me like a fiddle.

It seems Earth's savagery has ruined Mankind's solidarity. Our goals are one and the same; you wish to return home, and I wish to guide you there. Since I ascended to noncorporeal form all I have sought is the assimilation of data and distribution of it among my fellow humans, and I can see from your memories that what remains of humanity is in desperate need of knowledge. Our return to Eden was inevitable, just as our return to Earth together is.

"I don't trust parasites."

"I beg your pardon?" Fireheart, the scholarly Earth pony who was quiding me through the Drakery, stopped walking for a second and turned to me, Confused.

"Nothing, sorry. Just thinking out loud."

"Well, as I was saying, there are dozens of dragon species to choose from. The Nesting Consulate provides a few dozen every year for training, and the rest are found abandoned, all are stored in the Drakery until it is time for them to hatch. Her Highness has informed me that you've met Spicheal already, he was quite a fine specimen, was he not? He was the only Jaded Topaz we had at the time, but we were trying to match Miss Sparkle's natural coloring. Obviously we won't be able to do that for you, but I was thinking I would just let you pick one. It's not like we have a shortage."

I didn't really understand what he was trying to say to me, so I continued to ignore him.

Don't worry, I'll pick you a good one. The Oracle directed me to a black and red egg that Fireheart identified as a Charred Ruby. He's wrong, this egg is no dragon at all. This is a wyvern egg, the coloring is a clever mimicry, note the counter-clockwise markings? No, this is a breed that we in the business call a Bloody Mess.

Images of massive, deadly lizards flashed through my head as I touched the egg, feeling dumb, and it started to shake, rattling and exploding like in Harry Potter. I picked shell from my jacket and inspected the steaming, spitting baby creature.

It was two feet long, looking very much like an infant Alduin. She was jet-black with red frills, her eyes were open, and she looked pissed.

"My goodness, where are her front legs?" The Dragonkeeper seemed like he was going to faint.

"She's perfect just the way she is, thanks." I scooped the little creature up into my jacket, and she seemed to like it there, despite still seeming pissed off. Flustered, Fireheart changed the subject, handing me a book on the basics of dragon husbandry and breezing through the important sections. Apparently, baby dragons are capable of taking care of themselves a few hours after hatching, she'll hunt and eat small animals until she's a few weeks old, then her teeth will harden and she'll start craving mineral nourishment. Apparently, that's when she'll start talking.

So, carrying a mind full of ancient knowledge and a fresh, new wyvern under my jacket, I boarded the train back to Ponyville, this time a big cargo hauler that had apparently been deemed sturdy enough to hold my weight. I watched the little wyvern sleep, talking to the voice in my head. I decided to call her Scarlet.

I got off the train and headed to the forest. I had a promise to keep to a monster.

I called to him, "Fluffy, come meet your new sister!"

He had apparently missed me, bounding to my side and licking my hands. He snorted when I showed him Scarlet, and then left for a few minutes, returning with some kind of fat, striped bird in his jaws. Before long, I had it roasting over a fire, and me and my little monster family had a nice, real breakfast with meat, and love, but more importantly, meat. For the first time since I'd arrived in this world, for the first time in a long time, I had hope.

Hope is all well and good, John, but do you know what rhymes with hope?

The Oracle of Delphi, with mental direction, led me down a short but ancient game trail and into a bowled valley, and in her infinite clairvoyance, to a wide field of tall, leafy plants. I smiled, singing softly as I went to work in the early morning light, "La-da-da-da-da..."

Maybe the next eleven months wouldn't be so bad; after all, we get by with a little help from our friends.

Author's Note

WHEAT BIX N MILK BABY

And I Said Yep, What A Concept

Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Spike, Rarity, and Fluttershy were trekking through the Everfree Forest on their way to their mutual friend John's alleged hiding spot in the woods. Applejack and Rainbow Dash weren't coming because they actually had real jobs. The Human had become somewhat of a local legend in the past month, after returning from Canterlot with a baby dragon and failing to speak to any of them for the following week. After that, he had begun sporadically visiting town and their places of business. He'd commissioned Rarity to make him a few outfits in Human dimensions, paying her up front in Equestrian gold, but had never been in to pick them up, hence Rarity's involvement.

He'd visited the library to pick up a few books, signing up for a library card and giving his street address as, 'The woods on the trail past Fluttershy's house.' He'd been wheeling a cart of mechanical parts, wires and tubing, and apparently had even gone so far as purchasing sound equipment from Vinyl Scratch and baking supplies from Sugarcube Corner, despite the scandal that had happened shortly after he'd arrived. He'd never picked up his actual card, hence Twilight's involvement. Spike was along because he wanted to meet the dragon, and there were bugs and small animals to chase in the woods.

Fluttershy lived down the trail and wasn't going very far for this visit. She wanted to check up on Mr. Manticore and see the baby dragon. She also brought some home-made muffins. Pinkie Pie, despite her sexual assault allegations falling flat, had been seeing a trauma therapist, who had recommended that she face her attacker and reconcile with him. She had brought cookies.

As the group followed the path, they began to hear sweet music echoing through the trees, a mellow bass guitar and a charcoally voice,

Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me...

They came into John's clearing, greeted by a quaint cabin resting on the hillside, and a glittering pond fed by a small creek. He had been busy in the past month; now, they knew why. He'd been settling in.

I ain't the sharpest tool in the she-ed...

The Human sat, reclined on a lounging chair beside the pond. He wasn't wearing his shirt, and his trousers had been cut off unevenly at the knees, exposing the downy hair on his legs and his misshapen, flat ankles. His dragon was curled up on his belly, and there was a glass tumbler in his hand filled with ice and off-color liquid. A dirty magazine lay over his face, and he seemed to be snoring.

"Uhm, does anyone wanna wake him up?" Twilight asked, trying to ignore the clothed mare on the front of the magazine. Her friends shook their heads, and she sighed, poking the Human in the outstretched leg with a hoof.

"Guh," He awoke, pornography sliding from his face and spilling his drink. The dragonet on his stomach rolled off with a growl, and immediately pounced on Spike, attacking him playfully. Catlike, they streaked off, screeching and chasing each other. John blinked blearily at them for a moment, then seemed to register that he wasn't alone. "Sparkly, Shy, Rares? What are you doing here? Pinky."

They looked at each other, the four of them equally disarmed. He rubbed his face and leaned up, putting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it with his little spark-box that he used to make fires. He puffed for a moment and Rarity finally found her voice. She levitated the clothes that had been her big project last week from her saddlebags, depositing them in his arms. "Well, It's good to see you, too, John, and how are you at that! I've brought the clothes you ordered. I normally don't do deliveries, but since they were such unique pieces I had to deliver them myself. I hope that the fabrics I chose are to you liking, I tried to keep your lack of fur in mind."

Twilight spoke up, also levitating something at him, a bundle of books with an envelope on top. "I brought the library card that you signed up for last week, and some of those books that you put on layaway. Some of them are in Equestrian, I didn't know you read Equestrian?"

"I didn't sign up for a-," He stopped short and corrected himself, "Oh yeah, I did do that, didn't I? I suppose you could say I took a crash course."

Pinkie picked up the basket that her and Fluttershy had shared, jumping and stacking it on top of the clothes and the books in his arms. Fluttershy was eyeing Mr. Manticore, sleeping in a hut beside the cabin. "Fluttershy made you some muffins, and Mrs. Cake wanted me to bring you these cookies."

"Well, holy crap, thanks, guys. I'm gonna take these inside, anybody want some tea or something?" He stood and walked to the house, throwing the rest of his drink and ice on the grass. They seemed hesitant to follow him. "No, yeah, come on in."

The inside of the cabin was cozy despite being scaled to human size and nearly twice the size of what they were used to. He gave them the dime tour of the two-room-one-bath, apologizing gruffly for the furniture. "I haven't been entertaining much, so I've just been kinda been doing what works for me."

They each pulled up a hewn log to the tiny table while he stoked his woodstove. The inside of the cabin smelled skunky and drying plants hung from the walls and ceiling. He started a pot of tea and got himself a fresh drink from the icebox.

. . .

1: Thou shalt not fuck cartoon horses.

~~2: Thou shalt not make the cartoon horses cry.~~

~~3: Thou shalt acquire undergarments.~~

~~4: Thou shalt not ask questions.~~

~~5: Thou shalt acquire ALCOHOL!~~

I really hadn't been expecting company. It's always only after somebody shows up at your house does one realize that they don't have real chairs. I'm feeling that pretty hard right now, all-in-all I was a bit embarrassed about my whole state of affairs, but it's not like they had any kind of standard to judge me on.

I made myself another vodka-and-lime while the tea steeped, putting the clothes and books in my bedroom. I pulled a log-chair up to the table and tried a cookie. They were still warm.

"So how's everybody doing?" I asked, immediately regretting it.

"My therapist says that I've been making progress!"

"That's good to hear, Pinky, I'm proud of you." The gossip around town was that she'd forgotten why she'd started going to therapy in the first place, and I wasn't about to remind her. Just as I'd feared, the exchange was followed by an awkward silence of the most uncomfortable variety.

Twilight cleared her throat. "So, Princess Celestia told me that you're one of her students now, too? What has she sent you to Ponyville to study?"

"Was there supposed to be a specific subject? I thought she was just giving me a dragon so we could keep in touch. Looks better on paper, I imagine, if we're somehow affiliated. Otherwise, I suppose I'm supposed to study human history on this planet."

"Well, have you made any progress?"

"I feel like I've learned everything there is to learn at this point. A lot of it seemed to be laid out pretty plainly." Sparky smiled and shook her head sympathetically, I imagined she'd been there before.

I poured the tea and encouraged the girls to have some of the goodies in the basket. It was early to be swilling vodka, but my hangover had quickly turned into hair-of-the-dog day drinking, and then a powerful nap. I hadn't been sleeping well lately, for the past two and a half weeks I had been setting up a homestead out here in the Everfree Forest, the most normal place on the planet, apparently. The cabin had been the easy part; I was exhausted all the time because my body was pulling double shifts. I would pass out, and the Oracle would hijack my body and go run her own errands, setting up equipment that I didn't know how to use and apparently library cards that I would refuse to use.

If I let you drive all the time, we'd still be sleeping under a tree. I'm trying to be productive and you are being ridiculously obstinate, particularly in assimilation of data. You are Royal, you do not need sleep.

I'd stopped responding to the Oracle verbally, after all, it was my body and I was in charge of it. If she wanted to whine in my head, that was fine.

As much as I hate to admit it, Pithia had been of great help in my transition period. From the beginning, she had diagnosed me as a habitual smoker, and more concerningly, a chronic alcoholic. In the interest of my full functionality, my new brainmate had done me a favor and found a quick way to feed my chemical addiction; the first time I fell asleep with her in my brain, on my fourth night in Equestria, I woke up in a fresh-dug basement next to a well-built distillery. A map to a large field of wild potatoes and numbered instructions on how to work the machinery were nearby.

By the sixth night, a cabin had been finished and furnished, to the point where there was tasteful art on the walls, and soap in the bathrooms. A potbelly stove had been erected in the living room and a comfortable bed beside it, and in the attic there was complex machinery fed by solar panels. Delphi explained that it was sensory and communication equipment, and I had only nodded, numb.

It was rather easy, John. You've been taught all your life to ignore what you are, and I've been spending all of mine using every resource available to me to move forward. Your bones and muscles are twice as dense as a normal Human, you can move four times as fast, and your auric abilities, when honed, have cosmic potential. Yet here you are, subsisting on a diet consisting purely of meat, alcohol, and marijuana, doing nothing but drugs and laying around all day when you could be training, raising an army, hell, you could get a real job and that would be more productive. While you stagnate getting high and drunk and wallowing, I am making steps toward claiming your rightful throne as the King of Humanity. It is my place as the Grand Advisor to make sure that everyone plays their part in Humanity's destiny, including and not limited to wasted, burned out, hick inbred trash Royalty, with all due respect, Your Grace.

I couldn't find any guns. I'd stopped trying to hang myself from the trees around here, none of them were strong enough to support my weight. The local cliff, a sheer hundred-foot drop, had only knocked the wind out of me. I might have twisted my ankle, but it healed right away. When I tried to drown myself, Pithia of Delphi would save me as soon as I lost consciousness. All of the bleach and paint thinners I could find were child-safe, somehow, and I couldn't find anything sharp enough to cut me.

If it's any consolation, you are the worst host I've ever had the displeasure of inhabiting. As amusing as they are, you futile attempts at suicide will only be met with failure. You are as immortal as they come, and you had better get used to it, kiddo.

My current plan was to drink myself to death, which had so far been pleasant, if not successful; I would awaken, hungover, to whatever task I had been given for the day by the Oracle. Instead, I would fuck off, make myself a drink and run off into the woods with my pet manticore, to kill and eat anything that couldn't get away. Usually by the fifth vodka-and-lime, it was pretty easy to pretend that my brain wasn't infested by a body-stealing parasite. Maybe my liver would give out, eventually. Mike would understand.

By all means, continue to use the gifts that I have given you to use responsibly in a manner that counteracts our mutual goal. I will continue to make progress despite you, as I have done for you, and your predecessors in eons past. I am the Oracle, Pithia of Delphi, the Sight of Sight. You are John Christopher Salem, of Onawash, Wisconsin, and you will be the King of Humanity whether you like it or not, damn you, so learn to fucking like it.

I took a long drink, finishing my glass, and tried to focus on what the ponies sitting at my table were talking about. Pinkie was talking, "-I was thinking of bringing Charlie along, who where you bringing along, John?"

"Huh?"

Pinkie turned to Rarity, "Oh, you didn't invite John, yet?"

Rarity finished chewing her bite of cookie before speaking, dabbing her mouth telikinetically with a napkin. "I would have invited you, darling, but I don't know how to get a hold of you all the way out here, you don't have a mailbox out here, do you?"

Twilight shook her head, glancing out the window and saying matter-of-factly, "I don't think you do. If you want to get mail, you've got to go to the post office and apply for a mailbox."

Rarity poured herself and Fluttershy cups of tea, and seemingly unconsciously, started another pot with her magic, helping herself to the leaves. She told me, "You're allowed to bring a plus-one if you'd like."

I blinked, still not understanding. "What?"

Rares shook her head patiently, realizing I hadn't been paying attention. "I was wondering if you'd like to come to my Nightmare Night party on Friday? It would be a great opportunity to socialize, rather than hiding out here in the woods."

"Oh, right. I'd love to come, Rares. Nightmare Night, what is that, like, Halloween? Friday, October 31st? Should I wear a costume? I don't have anything made up, it's kinda short notice."

"Twilight said you might not be familiar with Nightmare Night, so I took the liberty of making you a costume. I'm surprised, do you have a similar tradition on Earth?"

"Yeah, it's called Halloween, or All Hallows Eve if you're a cunt. Kids get free candy, adults get drunk and fuck. Basic holiday stuff," My guests looked at each other and I realized that I might be coming off as slightly rude due to drunkenness. I changed the subject, "What kind of costume did you make?"

"Oh, we'll keep it a surprise, shall we?" She held out her teacup for me to clink, and I did, and the Fluttershy got to talking about her costume, and we all listened politely. We all talked like friends for almost two hours, and as the sun was getting low, the ponies bid their goodbyes, Twilight calling for Spike as they left. I sent them each away with a dime bag of my best "tea," and a bottle of John's Finest, the latest batch that had actually been palatable. Scarlet returned to me, out of breath but happy, and I was feeling a lot of that friendship that they were always talking about on the show.

"Spike, Spike!" She said, parroting, as she had begun to do lately. I Imagine she'll be up to sentences by this time next week. To give her something to do, I decided to pen a quick letter to Celestia. I went to the desk in the corner of my cottage, and using a half-sheet of the same thin, specialty paper that I had been rolling with, and a ballpoint pen from the bank, I scrawled in what I hoped was hard-to-read script:

Most beloved Sunbutt,

I hope that you are well. Despite your numerous warnings, I continue to peddle poison to your people in the form of mind-altering substances, such as quickly-distilled potato vodka and schwaggy ditch weed. My army of dissidents grows every day, and I have a dastardly plan to hit up the party that Rarity has offered in hopes of ever further reaching my clutches into your hypothetical pudding bowl. Also, enclosed is one marijauna cigarette, sent in hopes of you chilling the fuck out.

Your most hated nemesis,
John C. Salem Jr.

I signed it and taped a marijauna cigarette to the bottom, rolling it into a scroll-like tube and taping it. I lit a second cigarette, calling my little wyvern to my side, "Scarlet! Torchy, torchy!"

I tossed the scroll and she ignited it, putting it up in smoke in a fraction of a second. The smoke drifted quickly out the door, and I followed it, intent on a quick bath in the creek. I padded down the hill beside the cabin in my bare feet, coming to a stop by the creek bed. There was something in the water.

The serpent swam to the shore, crawling up on mismatched legs. The lizard-thing that had tried recruiting me for some bullshit the first week I'd arrived. I'd honestly forgotten about him. "What do you want?"

"You've been doing very well blending in, John, but now is the time for action. I have a task for you, should you-"

I Interrupted him, "I'm gonna have to stop you right there, dude. I'm not doing any stupid tasks for any fucking body, I thought I made that clear last time. I don't need your help and I don't need your snakey ass coming around here all the time and bugging me about dumb shit."

He seemed offended, and rightly so, I'd been trying to offend him. "John, I suggest you mind your tone. I have powers beyond your understanding-"

"Well, why don't you go run your own fucking errands, then, dickface, and get off my dick while you're at it!" I had had enough of his shit. Focusing my mind, I called Gravic from inside the house to my hand. Tearing through wood and mortar, the Fallhammer came to me, and I swung it over my head, aiming for the fucking lizard. To my surprise, I found my target, crushing his little snake body into the dirt.

He spat blood, eyes pitiful, "Why, John, why did you kill me?"

I spat on him. "I don't need a reason to kill you."

He smiled. "Good, because I'm not dead, and your rebuke is noted."

He disappeared in a puff of smoke. I shook my head, and for once, the Oracle had nothing to say. I took a bath in the creek and went inside and had a nightcap, reading by the light of my stove. When I fell asleep, my body stood and went about it's nightly rounds under the Oracle's control, but I dreamed of my home, and of my family. As much as it hurt to dwell on the past, it was the only thing keeping me going, now.

Author's Note

Is Shrek still a relevant meme? I like to think that Shrek is still a relevant meme.

And Only Shooting Stars Break the Mold

Celestia had just finished lowering the Sun, and was settling down to read a report, when a scroll from one of her students appeared from the fireplace. Her expectant smile quickly turned into a frown when she realized it was from John. The frown deepened as she read it. She plucked the cigarette from the page with her magic, going to her desk and getting a quill and parchment.

John,

I'm sure that these sort of shenanigans are hilarious on Earth, but from one ruler to another, I must ask that you stop this. I am a busy mare, if you don't have anything important to tell me concerning the well-being of the country, or a development in your studies of Humanity, do not send me a letter.

Your generous hostess,

Celestia

P.S. Luna said she was invited to Rarity's party, as well! What, was my invitation lost in the mail?

She tossed the letter derisively into the fire, going to the door to dismiss her guards. "Could I get some privacy, please?"

"What's wrong, Your Highness?

The guard's concern was heartwarming, but unneeded. It wasn't a good habit for him to be questioning her. The Princess answered sarcastically, "I just thought I'd have myself a little pee on the rug, and your presence is making it hard to get a stream going. Go get some coffee, colts, and be back in an hour."

Her scathing reply had the effect she intended; Her guards looked at each other, bowed to her, and made a hasty retreat. She went to the window and opened it, putting the cigarette to her lips and lighting it with her magic. Then she went back to reading her reports.

A few minutes later, a reply belched itself from the fireplace.

Dear The Princess,

Yeah, sorry about all the spam, I've just been bored all week. I know that I've failed to mention this, but there's this shady dude that has been bothering me ever since I got here, trying to get me to help him do some shady shit; He wanted me to steal Chaos Crowns from you. I didn't listen to him because I really had better shit to do, but just now, when he was bothering me, I smashed him with my big, black hammer, and he just sat there and took it. Now he knows I'm not on his side. I thought that I could take him on or possibly ignore him, but I'm starting to become concerned that this is out of my field of expertise. I'm gonna draw a picture of him on the back of this.

Let me know what you think,

John

P.S. Would you like to be my plus-one?

Celestia read the letter, her frown deepening until she got to the post-script, then she smiled. She flipped to page over, looking at the drawing, nearly burning a hole in the carpet when her jaw dropped. The she flipped the page over a second time, reading the post-script again and smiling. She grabbed her quill and wrote a second letter.

John,

I wish you would have brought this to my attention sooner; We could have coordinated costumes. As far as Deceit, he is a Draconequus, one of several who have been thorns in my side for thirty thousand years. His elder brother, Discord, was freed from his stone prison last month, we've been dealing with magical fallout ever since. It's likely that he may have freed some or all of his siblings during his time in control of Ponyville. I will have Twilight Sparkle and the Elements of Harmony deal with him, should he show his face again. Contact me again with details about the party, but later, I'm trying to get some work done.

Your Princess,

Celestia

She tossed the letter into the fire, forsaking her reports for the moment and going to the window. Luna would return soon from raising the moon, it hung low still in the sky, the night young. She puffed for a while, enjoying the mellow, organic buzz. Perhaps she would go flying, she'd ask her sister if she'd like to come.

She was interrupted in her stargazing by a streak of light cutting across the sky. She frowned again; Luna hadn't scheduled a meteor shower. The shooting star cut in a parabola across the night, flying backward at high speed and impacting hard into the Everfree Forest, catapaulting chunks of eden and arboreal debris for nearly a mile in every direction. Celestia's jaw dropped, her cigarette falling to the floor, and burning a hole in the carpet.

For some reason, her thoughts went to John. No, there's no way... but still...

The Princess of the Day dashed out onto her balcony, leaping over the railing and catching her weight on her wings. She had a bad feeling about this. She had to know for sure.

Then she looped back around and picked the cigarette up, so that her quarters weren't aflame when she returned.

. . .

I was catching some decent Zs in the back of my own mind, while my body sat on a log, watching a screen and taking notes. I felt the Oracle get really excited about something, disturbing me from my sleep and her from her notes. I awoke with a clipboard and pen in my hands and a fading buzz.

"Aww, damn it."

Aww, damn it.

I hate you so much.

"I hate you so much."

For once we're in agreement. I know that you like to take your time fucking around and generally making an obstacle of yourself, but we really need to make preparations for impact.

Yeah, you and your preparations. I went downstairs and made myself a drink, checking my dragon-mail. Scarlet was up, as she was many hours of the day and night, a habit she must have learned from me, but there was a scroll by her little basket-bed. I opened it, reading as I took large sips of my screwdriver and trying to tune out the parasite. I went to my desk, about to write a nonsense reply, when Delphi stopped me. Tell her about the draconequus, Deceit. It is important that she know he's pursuing you. That will just bring the heat down on us. The draconequi are an integral part of this planet's magical ecosystem, it won't do you any good meddling in nonhuman matters. Yeah, fine, I wrote the letter, even drawing a picture on the back. To fuck with her, I invited her to the party on Friday as my plus-one. I called Scarlet, "Scar, baby girl! Daddy needs his torch!"

"Torch! " She called back, running up from the basement. She loved burning stuff, my little pyromaniac, "Burn!"

I tossed her the letter and she incinerated it, then she ran for the door, informing me, "Gotta go! Gotta go!"

I opened the door for her, because she didn't have arms, and she ran for the woods to take a shit. She came back with a scroll in her jaws. I took it, praising her, "Good girl. Did you wipe?"

The look in her little red eyes told me no. "Go wipe."

I read the letter while she ran back to the woods. To my horror, Celestia had accepted my invitation, telling us nothing in the letter that the Oracle apparently hadn't already known. I was surprised that apparently Twilight and her friends were some kind of magical superheroes; It really seemed to me like they didn't get out much. Scarlet returned, clean and full of energy, so I tossed the letter with the others and went back upstairs to check on the Oracle's shit, finally.

You've already wasted far too much time. Our window is closing fast, and you need to move. According to my scanners,
impact will be in ten and a half minutes time. What impact? Why is this so important?

In ten minutes and twenty-eight seconds, a shipping drone full of contraband is going to break ground ten miles northeast of here, we don't have time for your questions, you need to move your ass or you're going to be feeling the 'heat' that you're so worried about. Alright, fine. I looked at Scarlet.

Yes, you can bring the fucking wyvern, but if you drag your ass any more, Equestrian authorities are going to impound my communications equipment and Celestia will blame you for endangering their airspace. Whatever, I can run a half-minute mile. I put on my jacket, calling to my dragon as I left the cabin. "Scarlet, uppy."

"Uppy!" She cried, taking her favorite place on my back, hooking her feet in my belt and her wing claws over my shoulders, looping her neck over my shoulder to watch the path as I ran in the direction the Oracle indicated. It was only about three minutes in did I realize that I'm quite out of shape, this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought. High school track had been a long time ago. I paused a moment to catch my breath when the fucking thing came streaking by overhead, impacting another two miles down the path. Even here, many trees had broken branches, some had been snapped at the roots as I got closer. Still winded, I kept running, reaching the crash site just as my vision was starting to blur. Call Gravic before you pass out, I'll need it.

"Naw, I'm good," I said, calling the Fallhammer to my side as I inspected this 'shipping drone". The crater was rather small for such a large object, the drone itself was hilariously unadorned, shaped like a rounded bullet and dirty gunmetal grey, about the size of a minivan. I stuck Gravic to the side like a fridge magnet, and he seemed to understand my intent, lowering the weight of the capsule to nearly nothing so I could move it out of the still-smoking crater. Just move it out of the crater and into the woods a ways. I shifted the drone into the woods, pulling my hammer from the side and dropping it to the forest floor I was directed to a panel on the side, burning myself on the still-hot metal as I opened it to a switchbox-like set of levers. I hit the one I was told to, and the surface of the drone shimmered, becoming transparent. Some kind of cloaking field.

Now, go get a rock. Any one will do. I did so, finding a decent-sized one in the woods, returning to the crater. Drop it in the crater, there's your meteor. There's no way she's gonna believe that.

I did it, anyway, not really caring either way. I tossed the rock into the center of the crater. Just as I did this, Celestia herself appeared at the edge of the wood, face incredulous. "John?"

I pointed at the rock I had just dropped, trying our luck. "Well, there's your problem."

. . .

Celestia joined John at the lip of the crater, looking in.

"That's it?" she asked, incredulous.

"I think so, I don't know. It seems kinda cold, doesn't it?"

"It doesn't look like any meteor I've ever seen." She picked up the rock in her magic. It was gray and shaped a little like a wide doorstop. She eyed him suspiciously. "Did you have anything to do with this?"

"Well, it wasn't my idea to bring flaming rocks down from the sky," he answered, and it sounded like he was being honest. She inspected the rock again, it was cool and gray, lacking pits or defects, by all appearances it was an ordinary weathered forest stone. She almost tossed it into the trees in frustration. Teleporting it back to her personal chamber instead, she turned to the Human, "What are you doing here?"

"Same as you, I imagine, checking out the crash site. It kinda happened right on my doorstep." He pointed to the smoldering crater, eyeing where the meteorite had been. "You sure teleporting that thing around is safe? It might have, like space radiation on it, or something."

"It might be a living creature, or a message, or an evil, malevolent entity bent on conquering the planet, either way, It's definitely not normal. As if I don't have enough on my plate without mysterious missiles falling from the sky." John must have picked up on her frustration, because when she looked back at him, his eyebrow was elevated, and there was a concerned look on her face. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth from a wooden case, lighting it and asking her,

"You alright?" The lines of his mouth and beard were lit up with soft red-orange glow, and a horrible memory resurfaced; Human faces, twisted in anger, faces lit by buildings burning, her home going up in flame. As quickly as it came, it went, leaving her only with a strong feeling of loss and sadness. Fear. It was all starting over again, and with all the time she had spent preparing, thousands of years of patience and personal sacrifice, here it was, time again to fight her old enemy. Nearly a month ago, Discord had returned, and by himself, had turned her kingdom nearly upside down, literally in some cases. Waves of Chaos magic had rolled from Ponyville like thunderstorms for nearly three days straight, the Guard struggled to contain the worst of the fallout, but even Canterlot and the Palace had been affected. The Princess had taken a big risk entrusting the Elements to Twilight and her friends, but it had been a risk that had paid off tenfold. Luna had been returned to her, the Nightmare Moon spirit exorcised from her with little injury.

The girls had almost been consumed by Discord's power. Returning Twilight's letters had been a last-ditch effort on Celestia's part before intervention, and she shouldn't have let it go that far. How she would have stopped him without the Elements was a mystery to her, she and Luna together had been defeated and nearly killed without their power.

The Elements were designed to overload the target with Harmony magic, essentially killing them with kindness. Discord's punishment was proof of his hazard; The only way to stop him without ending his life outright was to freeze him forever in a stone prison. His return was proof he could escape, and it seemed he had freed his brothers and sisters from Tartarus, now as well. Things just kept going from bad to worse, and they had been for centuries, now.

"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," She replied, though she badly wished she was home at the palace, or that Luna was here to comfort her. John might have believed her or might have not, instead changing the subject,

"Do you... want a drink? I could show you my house."

Something about his offer sounded oddly appealing. She was curious about how John had been living these past few weeks. He had been keeping an annoyingly thorough correspondence since they had parted ways, but it was difficult to tell how much had been genuine updates, and how much had been random nonsense generated by the unstable mind of a lone human living in the woods. "I think I do. Lead the way, John."

He nodded tersely, puffing on his cigarette. The path was long, a nearly ten-mile hike back to his house, and Celestia briefly considered how fast he must have run to make it to the crash site before her on foot. Timber wolves circled them just outside their line of sight, but Celestia could hear them and taste their Chaos magic on the wind. They didn't come any closer; An Alicorn and a Royal Human walking together was more than a challenge for common forest predators. When they reached the cabin, she appraised it briefly with a professional eye; good location near the stream, high on the hill for better views, the roof had been panelled well, and despite the hammer-sized hole in the wall, the home appeared newly-built and still well-maintained. It was somewhere that Celestia would have liked to live, if she were not a Princess. "You keep a gorgeous home, John Salem."

"Thanks, toots. I can't take all the credit, though." He opened the door for her while his wyvern streaked from the edge of the woods, following quickly after her. He pulled up a hewn log for the Princess, apologizing softly for the lack of furniture. "I have maybe one actual chair, and it's upstairs."

He made them both transparent drinks in glass tumblers. Wary, she sniffed the glass. It smelled tangy and clearly alcoholic. "John, when you said 'drink,' I thought you perhaps meant water, or tea."

He had gone to the icebox, smoke mixing with condensation as he peered inside. "That's because you don't know me very well, though I could see how you would think that. I'd have to make some tea, otherwise I've got water, juice, milk..."

"Just a glass of water will be fine, thank you." She said, sipping the vodka-and-lime. It was tart, with a lot of sour to mask the starchy flavor. It wasn't bad. "You know, there's been a prohibition on ingestible alcohol in Equestria for nearly three hundred years."

John was looking at her ear, ignoring her words. He pointed, "Were you actually smoking that?"

With her magic, she reached behind her ear and found, to her surprise, the cigarette she'd started earlier, tucked away still. Holding it up, she shrugged and admitted, "You sent it in hopes of it helping me chill the fuck out. Here I am, chilling the fuck out."

They shared a chuckle, her laughing at his silly-sounding Human swearword, him laughing at a Princess cursing. She sipped her vodka, accepting the glass of water graciously as she stuck the cigarette in her mouth again. John pulled out his lighter, sparking it for her. "Lemme get that for you."

He stuck a second joint in his mouth, giving him the appearance of some kind of tusked beast as he smoked each of them from the corners of his maw. He caught her looking and made a funny face, making her giggle again. Then he smiled, for one of the first times she could remember. He began digging in his drawers for something. "I feel like cards. You wanna play some cards? If I can find 'em..."

She cast a Find-It spell, producing a deck of cards from his cupboard with her telikinesis. "How about Poker? There's only two of us, but I'll deal first."

"You read my mind, Princess." He sat at the table, putting on his jacket and sunglasses and grinning around his pair of smokes. He picked up a sack of Equestrian bits laying on the floor, seemingly for Scarlet to play with, setting them on the table, "Can't play poker without chips. I can cover your bets if you didn't bring cash."

"Please, John. I am a Princess, after all." She ashed her joint in the tray on the table as she pulled out her own sack of bits. Dealing each of them three cards, and putting four on the table for a game of Four Chairs, she put up fifty bits in a ten-bit stack.

"Oh, come on, Princess! First time in millennia that you've got a chance to beat a Human, and you're playing like you're gonna lose." The Human counted two ten-stacks of ten-bit coins, sliding them next to the ashtray into the pot. Celestia smirked and took his call, counting out another ten-stack of fives and one of tens. "That's more like it, high stakes for your Highness."

Celestia flipped the four cards on the table and John played a terrible hand, pair of twos, Celestia taking the round with a three pair. She let the pot ride, and John raised to five-hundred bits, shuffling the deck and dealing. She called, flipping the cards on the table and losing, two-pair to straight. John let the pot ride again, and Celestia raised another hundred bits, John calling and losing, flush to straight flush. Celestia took the pot the time, and when John's next bet came in at two-hundred bits, she called and folded, grinning and sipping her drink. This was fun.

John lost the next hand. "I told you you had a chance to beat me for once; I've got a terrible poker face."

Celestia conjured a pair of shades for her face, sliding more bits into the pot and stubbing her roach out in the ashtray. "Raise a hundred. I don't suppose you've got another cigarette to offer a lady, John? My beverage is getting rather low, as well."

John laughed, getting up to fetch one and to freshen her drink. "Always a pleasure... Celly? Tia? You've got one of those names that you can't nick, Princess."

She lost the next round, smiling when he let the pot ride and raised it. "Either of those, but I've always preferred Tia for some reason."

He finished his own drink and one of his darts. "Yeah, 'Cel' or 'Celly' is kinda weird."

They continued like this, playing and talking, mostly about trivial things. John complimented her on the state of her country, how accepting her people had been of him, and this warmed her heart. She often worried for her people , indeed, despite her best efforts, there was still suffering in Equestria; but as he told her this, she realized how odd and backward Earth must be for him tot have turned out this way. Despite this, John gave her an odd sense of hope for herself that she hadn't realized had been gone from her life.

"John?" She asked him, briefly stopping the conversation and taking her glasses off.

"Yeah?" He took his own off, too, but not looking at her, instead focusing on his cards.

"I'm sorry that I killed your ancestors. I'm sure that that makes you uncomfortable to a degree."

He took a long drink from his glass, finishing it and standing to make himself another, then taking a long pull from that. "It's okay, honestly. More than anything, I'm sorry my ancestors killed your parents."

She wondered how he knew that, but decided not to push it. "Thank you for forgiving me, John."

"Hey, what's past is past," he said quietly, and she gratefully allowed him to change the subject.

She had learned from Twilight that John had been orphaned as a young adult, his parents killed very violently and pointlessly, as hers had been, and that he still bore the mental weight of their deaths, as she did. It was clear that he had seen no shortage of heartbreak and conflict, but even now he persevered, finding pleasure in small things. His tenderness with his baby dragon bespoke his true nature; John Salem was a hard, bitter man, riddled with bad habits and demons, but he wasn't a bad one.

As she sat across from him, playing a game of cards, watching him laugh as she took his money, she thought, It wouldn't be so bad, to be friends with him. She had once wielded three of the Elements of Harmony, she knew of friendship and its power, where Chaos seeped and creeped, corrupting, Harmony flooded and exploded, cleansing and renewing. Humanity and Ponydom had been great allies, once, they had given each other gifts that could never be forgotten. It could all be again what it once was, all she had to do was start it, here and now.

These thoughts buzzed in her head, along with a liter of vodka, as she left the cabin almost two hours later, bidding the Human goodbye. She had long ago felt the effects of the alcohol loosening her tongue. "I had a good time , John. A better time than I've had in a long time."

"I'm glad to hear it. I haven't been entertaining much, lately. It's good to know I haven't lost my touch."

"Indeed you haven't. I look forward to spending more time with you. See you Friday?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, the party. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm glad to hear it." He opened the door for her, ever the gentleman, and as she sauntered past him, she paused, turning to lean up and kiss him on the forehead. "Bless you, John the Human,"

She leapt out the door and into the sky, swooping drunkenly and giggling like a schoolfilly.

Before beginning the long flight back to Canterlot, she stopped at Rarity's boutique, not really expecting her to answer at the late hour. Hopefully that would give her some time to sober up a bit; she accidentally clipped Mr. Withers awning with a wingtip as she passed Twilight's library. Trying the knocker on the door, she found herself surprised when Rarity could be heard calling from upstairs in sing-song, "Coming~"

Rarity opened the door, wearing a pink, lacy nightgown. She looked surprised to see her. "Princess, Oh my stars, forgive me, I'm in no state for this,"

"No, please, forgive me, it's far too late, but I was in town and I wanted to ask you about something." Entering the boutique, the Princess noticed there were crops and bridles scattered about on the floor. She cleared her throat, trying to ignore them and stick to business. "I heard from John that you made him a costume for your Nightmare Night party. He invited me along as his plus-one, if you don't mind."

"Of course not, Your Majesty, I would have invited you myself, only I thought you were probably very busy." They sat together on the couch. "I'm sure you know how parties can get, invite two friends, and they invite two friends, and they invite two friends, pretty soon you don't know who's invited and who isn't."

"Yes, of course." She didn't, but breezed past the subject, setting the bag of bits she'd won from John on the coffee table. "What I meant to ask you about was John's outfit; I'd like to commission a costume, as well. If it's not too short notice. Matching John's, if possible, as we're going together."

Rarity ogled the hefty sack of cash, glancing at her calendar, "By Friday, yes, I imagine I could fit that in. I'm glad you're coming, Princess, I was worried you might feel left out, after hearing that Princess Luna was attending. She's Twilight's plus-one, in case you didn't know."

"Well, you imagined correctly that my sister and I are very busy mares, but we do have to have fun every once in a while, yes?"

"Yes, of course you do, Princess! I couldn't imagine you doing without," As if to punctuate this, there was a knock on the door. "Coming~"

"Oh, were you expecting company?"

Rarity gave the Princess an apologetic look. "Sweetie's at the Apples tonight, so I'm... entertaining."

She opened the door, revealing a young, grey colt in a red vest. He greeted her, "Hey, Rares, I brought some sparkling wine."

He noticed the giant, white mare on the couch. "I thought role-play night was on Thursdays... Oh my gosh, that's actually the Princess! Is she here for the orgy, too?"

Rarity ushered Celestia out the door, face going pink. "If by 'orgy,' you mean 'book club,' then no, I'm afraid she was just leaving."

Just as she did, a male voice could be heard calling from upstairs, "Rarity? Who are you talking to down there? I'm going soft, and these shackles are starting to chafe."

The Princess bid Rarity a polite goodnight, heading back to the Palace. She hadn't sobered up at all; her iron will only managing to contain her laughter until a bit past the town limits. When she arrived back at the Palace, Luna was in her quarters, inspecting the rock on Tia's bed.

"Tia!" She cried, as her sister stumbled on the edge of the windowframe, "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, sister. Just a bit... tired." She flopped on her bed next to the stone.

"Drunk, you mean. Where have you been all night?" Luna scolded, trying to be stern but sounding curious, instead.

"Oh, let me tell you about it, sister," She said, launching into her tale. This was one of the reasons she had missed Luna during her banishment; She was such a great listener, and was truly the only other pony on the planet who understood her pain and humor.

Luna shook her head, eyeing the 'meteorite,'; shooting stars were her specialty. "Well, that stone is definitely not a meteorite. I think John was lying to you, he has something to do with it."

"Oh, I know he's lying to me. He really is terrible at it, I told you I spurred his flanks in poker? I'm going to let him keep lying to me, because he thinks I believed him."

"Why would you do something like that?" Luna asked. Celestia peeked at her sister over her pillow, smiling devilishly.

"I think I fancy him," She answered, squealing like a schoolfilly.

. . .

"See you Friday?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, the party. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."

I considered suicide again as Celestia kissed me on the forehead and flew off, chortling at my expense. There was a big sturdy oak on the cliffside over Fluttershy's I could try hanging myself from. I'd look pretty neat silhouetted against the sunset. Scarlet was a big dragon, now, she could take care of herself. Scarlet is a wyvern, and stop killing trees with your pointless suicide attempts. I finished the rest of my drink, trying to poison the parasite within. Oh cheer up, old buddy, I've got something that will turn that frown upside down.

Apparently, this something required me to hike ten and a half miles back to the crater. At least I didn't have to fucking run this time, two joints and I was there. I'm glad that the forest denizens had learned to avoid me for the most part, after killing the basilisk my first week here, I had quickly replaced it as the apex predator in that section of the forest. The fucking wood wolves were annoying, but I had fire.

The crater still smoldered a bit, but was no longer fresh. I still can't believe she bought that. It doesn't matter if she bought it or not, she's going to spend time figuring it out either way. Deniability causes distraction, distraction buys time.

Delphi directed me to the place where we had hidden the drone, and to the switchboard on the side. Turn the cloak off, it's killing the battery. I did, and began the long, arduous hike back to the cabin, sticking Gravic to the side to lower it's weight again. Good thing I brought a lot of weed. Why did we go through all this trouble for this piece of junk? Where did it come from?

This is an automated shipping drone, hailing from Druidia, a human-controlled planet two parsecs from here. It was on a course for Talkahn, a planet that is under siege by military forces from Druidia. Using the equipment in the attic, I hacked into it's faster-than-light navigation systems and redirected it here, because it is carrying communications equipment that will allow us to contact Earth. Did you say human-controlled? Contact Earth? Yes, that is what I said. The sliver of humanity that exists on Earth is but a fraction of the great empire that once existed all across this quadrant of space-time. They have fallen into disrepair and ruin, infighting as their leadership has broken down over these past millenia. That is one of many reasons that you must become the King of Humanity. We are a powerful, wise race, but we can only reach our true potential when we are united.

Contact Earth? Contact Mike? Yes, John, we can contact your brother, as well. If I am right, and I always am, there will be sects of humanity on Earth that remember our former glory, and our history on Eden. Hell, somebody might remember me, specifically. I will contact them and they will likely be able to get you in touch with your brother, but only after we cannibalize this piece of junk for the quantum-linked isotope inside.

Well, that's definitely awesome and everything, thanks a pant load, but that's not the only thing in here, right? It's awful big for a fancy radio. No, the drone is designed to ship war materiel: weapondry, vehicle parts, communications equipment; enough to outfit an orbital-drop squad for prolonged combat.

So, what is this like, breaking into dad's gun cabinet, or taking firecrackers away from toddlers?

Well, metaphor is a poor way of summing up such a complex situation, but suffice it to say; We need the materiel more, and they're just gonna hurt themselves or someone else with it. The drones are designed to be replaceable, that's why they're not manned. They'll receive a malfunction report, and by the time this one is missed, another will be on it's way. The Druidians will continue to fight their pointless war with the Talkahns until it ends in tragedy,
as all wars do. Firecrackers from toddlers, then. Yeah, John, if that's what you have to tell yourself.
Now, crack this puppy open.

I set the craft down beside the cabin, flipping the switch on the panel that I was told. There was a softpop as the vacuum seal was compromised. Refrigerate after opening, I thought. At the Oracle's direction, I removed the first panel and began going through the contents. The part that Delphi wanted was a black, plastic box about the size of a suitcase, the communications array, containing the precious quantum-linked isotope.

She was right, as always, packed away in plastic cases were small arms to outfit a squadron of human soldiers, five, brushed-aluminum carbines of some sort, and three double-action revolvers of the same material. Oddly, both kinds of weapons took the same bullets: Rounded, ceramic slugs in a caseless firing cap. The carbines loaded from the top and looked like they could hold a lot of rounds. There were a lot of fucking bullets, almost half of the space on the fucking thing was taken up by tub after tub of these goofy-ass caseless bullets for these goofy-ass toy-looking aluminum guns. I could hardly fit my fat sausage fingers through the little trigger holes.

The body armor was too small, I didn't even bother trying it on. Maybe I'd string it together barbarian-style later, but for now I moved on to the last portion of the shipment, and this was the one that really made it all worth it to me. Under plastic covers, were the most beautiful pair I had ever seen in my life; Two, gorgeous, aluminum-block, 8-cylinder V-twins. According the directions, the shell of the drone was meant to be re-purposed into paneling for a small, five-man land vehicle, the finished product in the back of the manual looking very much like a smoothly-armored dune buggy.

What do we say when people get us presents, John?

"Thank you, Delphi." I droned obediently as I got to work.

My God, I had been getting so sick of walking everywhere.

. . .

The Palace break room was quiet, empty but for two of the Guard. Pauldron and Lance had been given an odd respite from their boring guard duty: Twenty minutes into the shift, Celestia had dismissed them both, claiming want for privacy and telling them to be back in and hour, by which time their two-hour guard shift would be half over. Lance sat at the table, eating an egg-salad sandwich, while Pauldron waited for the microwave to finish cooking his pot pie.

Pauldron looked at Lance, eyeing the sandwich. "Since when do you eat egg salad?"

"Since I found this in the fridge."

"Dude, that's probably Hauberk's. She's gonna be pissed when she finds out that you ate her sandwich."

"Well she's not gonna find out it was me, because the only ones who know are me and you, and I'm not going to tell her, and I know you aren't either, because Hauberk is a sour cunt, and I'm pretty sure she's the one who put that old egg in your locker that one time."

"That was her? That was messed up. What's up with that bitch and eggs?"

"I don't know, I think she has chickens or something?"

Pauldron checked his pot pie again. Five minutes to go. He grabbed the other half of the sandwich.

"Hey!" Lance protested.

"Consider it a bribe for keeping my mouth shut."

"Well, can I have some of your pot pie?"

"Look at you, haggling with a sandwich that ain't yours. What, you didn't bring a lunch?"

"Well, I didn't really expect a second break in the middle of my shift, we don't all keep food here, you know."

"That's because you eat it. What do you think was the Princess's deal, anyway?"

"Oh, she was definitely jilling it."

"That's what I thought, but I didn't wanna say so out loud."

"Oh yeah, for sure beating her meat. Now give me some of your fucking pot pie."

"Stop it, it's not done yet! There's gonna be cold spots!"

Author's Note

I just want it all to be ogre

And I Finally Break (AKA The Nightmare Before Nightmare Night)

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

...And Apparently, She Decided That Was a Good Time for Tongue-Wrestling

I dreamed. I haven’t dreamed since my parents were killed.

I’m home. My real home, my childhood one, not the dingy apartments I’ve been spending my mid-twenties in. I’m home, and everyone I love is there.

My Dad was in the kitchen, washing the dishes, his tanned, calloused fingers contrasting with the white bubbles. At six-foot-ten and with black eyes, black hair and the build of a 60’s-era Arnold Schwarzenegger, he was an intimidating man. Despite this, he was soft-spoken and kind-hearted, I can’t remember a single time in his life that he raised his voice.

When the semi T-boned them at ninety miles-per-hour, he’d attempted to shield my mother with his body.

My Ma was in the kitchen as well, wearing her favorite apron and stirring a pot of potato soup. She was a petite woman whose golden blond hair I’d inherited. She always wore a constant smile and was the best cook in the world, as far as I’m concerned. Her tiny, perfectly manicured hands were somehow capable of propelling a mixing spoon at Mach 2 if you tried to taste something before it was ready. She’d been talkative and bouncy, and I still blame her for my Canadian accent.

As a result of Dad shielding her in the crash, she’d remained conscious for two and a half minutes after the collision, paralyzed below the waist and fighting a punctured lung.

Mon pépé, my grandfather. He and my grandma immigrated to Canada from France back when they were teenagers, and he refused to speak English in his house until the day he died of a heart attack at the ripe old age of seventy-eight.

Ma mémé, my grandma. She taught me French when I was a kid, a little bit at a time. This came in handy a decade later when she developed Alzheimer's and forgot how to speak English. She also forgot that my dad was dead and didn’t have blond hair. Other than Mike, she’s the only surviving member of my family.

Mike was in the dining room with his fiancee, I mean, wife, Ariel, perched in his lap. I can’t believe the wedding was already six months ago. I also can’t believe he made me best man. Ariel is nice, though. I don’t know her too well, so I’ll have to trust Mike’s judgement. As I walked through the house, warm nostalgia washing over me, my family turned and smiled at me, one by one. They didn’t speak, but I could sense their happiness. I closed my eyes, bathing in it.

I felt a strange presence. I turned around.

There she was. A woman I’d never seen before. Her hair was red like fire, her eyes as green as grass in the springtime. She had a cute little pixie face to match her pixie haircut, and was dressed in a thin summer dress. She was barefoot. She smiled at me and held out her hand.

I was confused, but Dad walked up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

“It’s okay.” He said in that voice that had been so unlike my own, quiet and careful, but yet deep and resonating. When he spoke, the world listened.

I nodded. I reached for the girl...

I felt a soft, furry snout nuzzling me awake. I smiled.

“Mmm. Five more minutes, Payback.” She wanted her morning walk. I wanted to get back to my dream. She’d been so beautiful...

I heard people talking, two women. One of them sounded angry, or maybe concerned. Probably the lezbos in the apartment next door. God, they never shut up.

Payback had moved up to my face, her soft fur brushing my nose. “Heh-heh. Quit it, Payback, that tickles.”

I felt something wrap around my neck and rub its fuzzy cheek against my own. Definitely not Payback.

“But wook at his widdow face!” Something grabbed my jaw and moved it up and down, causing me to softly bite my tongue several times, and snapped me out of my half-asleep state. “Zecora! I ruv rou! Prease take care ruv me until I wake up?”

Upon opening my eyes, I encountered what appeared to be a mini-zebra arguing with a pink-haired primrose pegasus. Mini-Zebra replied to this with an intelligent, “What?”

Yellow Pegasus explained, “Zecora, I have a picnic to attend soon, and I can’t bring this ‘demon’ with me. He’s too heavy, and he’s asleep. Also, since you know so much about him, it only makes sense for you to keep an eye on him. You know, if you’re not doing anything...”

“No, absolutely not! The demon shall not stay in my hut!”

“I’ll give you five bits.”

“If you make it ten, you can count me in.”

As interesting as this all was, I decided to chime in. I turned to the pegasus who made the offer. “Did you just sell my ass for chump change?”

Their reaction was immediate and overdramatic. The zebra did a ninja-flip across the hut, snatching a bamboo staff off a stand, and the pegasus seemed to disappear entirely.

“Whoa, chill there, Stripes. I come in peace and all that shit.”

“Mimi si akageuka na uongo wako, pepo ya uchafu na damu!”

“Kutomba vizuri wewe, basi.” I replied easily in Swahili. Yes, I speak Swahili. It’s a long story. I was a bit rusty, and my accent was nearly impenetrable, but she obviously understood.

She seemed taken aback at my use of what I could only assume was her native tongue. But I was more worried about the pegasus, the shy one that I not only recognized from the show, but remembered was my favorite. I did a miserable attempt at softening my voice.

“Uh, yellow one? You can come out, if you want. I won’t bite.” I nearly slapped myself for my wording. I was almost literally a wolf among sheep. I heard a small noise from inside the cauldron in the center of the hut. I stood, and Stripes thrust the staff at me like a spear. Giving her a stern look, I caught it and yanked it away. I made to snap it in half, but thought better of it and tossed it across the room.

What little courage the poor thing had been hanging onto crumbled away and she backed away, almost entirely across the little hut. I moved to the side of the cauldron and peeked in. It was all I could do to not just reach in and cradle her to me. I’m not normally one to get all baby-talk about cute stuff, but she looked so fuckin’ pathetic, terrified for her life at the bottom of that cold cauldron.

“Hey, come on. I promise I won’t hurtcha.”

“Did you tell that to the basilisk?” She muttered through clenched teeth as she cowered.

“No, I generally try not to talk to things that want to kill me.” Growing impatient, I reached in and grabbed her by the barrel. She seemed to freeze in panic as my arms wrapped around her. “Calm yourself, nothin’ to be afraid of. I just wanna get a good look atcha.”

I set her down on the floor and stepped back. Stripes rushed to her side and looked her over for damage. Though she found none, I became the focus of her next glare, as Yellow peeked out at me from behind her weird emo hair. I cleared my throat.

“There, now that we’ve all become acquainted, I think it’s high time I introduced myself. My name is John Salem, and I’m a human. Or, more appropriately, THE human.” I held out my hand again, not really expecting either of them to shake it. They didn’t.

“Maybe I should explain.” So I did, starting with when I woke up this morning. I just told it how it happened, I didn’t try to sugar coat it. So, of course, I got a few questions.

“-and she thought that I had raped her. So I-”

“Did you?”

“Rape her? Not even in my most inebriated of minds would I find a horse attractive.” I shook my head. “No offense, but personally, I prefer to mate within my species, thank you.”

. . .

“...And apparently, she decided that was a good time for tongue-wrestling. As-”

“Tongue-wrestling? Do you mean like... kissing?”

“Yeah. As I said before, ponies are off my radar, so naturally, I high-tailed it outta there. Unfortunately, the only place to high-tail to was this forest. I ran for a little while, and when I took a break, Fluffy here showed up. He bared his teeth a little, but as soon as King Python shows up, he remembers his place on the food chain: Below me.” The manticore in question chose this moment to rub his head a little harder against my side, his jungle-cat purrs sounding like a roaring chainsaw. I scratched behind his horns. “Yeah, you.”

I looked Yellow straight in the eye. “I’m not saying killing is right. In fact, being a bit of an expert on the subject, I speak from first-hand experience when I say that it’s mostly wrong. But I did what I had to do, and because of that, there are two alive and one dead, rather than the other way around. The death of one to save many can be a hard trade to make, I know because I’ve made it before, but in the end, it can be worth it. Do you understand now?”

She looked down at the floor for a long moment. “I understand. I don’t agree, but I understand. You come from an unforgiving world, Mr. Human.”

I smiled in relief. “Please, Mr. Human was my father. Call me John. And I won’t disagree with you, there. Earth was kind of a shithole, and it’s been getting worse every day.”

She nodded. Quite clearly, she said, “My name is Fluttershy. My special talent is caring for animals. I’m fond of daisies, sewing, and singing. What’s your name?”

Slightly confused, I introduced myself a third time. “Um, okay. My name is John Salem and I’m fond of alcohol, beautiful ladies and... not bleeding to death.”

“I’m sorry it’s just that normally when I introduce myself ponies don’t seem to hear me so a lot of my friends have been asking me to work on my introductions so I don’t always have to repeat myself.”

“I’m sorry, you’re gonna have to speak up, sugar, I didn’t quite catch that.”

“N-Nevermind...”

“O-kay... Well, then, what’s your story, Stripes?”

Apparently for Fluttershy’s sake, she said the next part in Swahili.

“Listen to me, hairless monkey-demon; because you have not, to my knowledge, harmed anypony yet, by the warriors code, I cannot harm you. But if you put one hoof out of line, I will stretch your scrotum so far over your head you will be able to use it as a shelter in a sandstorm.”

“There are a few things wrong with that statement; mainly that I haven’t harmed anyone yet, and my scrotum is going nowhere except back to Earth, with me attached. And if you get within two feet of me, I will shove that stick so far up your tight pony ass that I could batter-fry you and call you a corn dog. Capisce?”

“Your threats carry no weight, creature, for I don’t even know what a corn dog is!”

“It’s a chunk of animal flesh on a stick, dipped in corn-based batter and fried in oil. A tasty snack on my homeworld. We clear, Stripes?” I licked my lips for dramatic effect. She huffed and disappeared into the alcove where her bed could be found and threw the curtain.

“Well. I guess we’re done talking.” With an air of finality, I adjusted my coat and nodded to Fluttershy. “Thanks for the save, darlin’, but I really should be going.”

She looked half glad, half concerned. “Are you sure? I mean...”

“I’m a big boy, Shy. I can take care of myself.” I was careful to duck as I exited the hut. See? I can learn! I paused and glanced back. “You comin’, Fluffy?”

Fluffy practically scampered to my side. I rubbed him behind the ears. Shy stood in the doorway, giving me a concerned look. “Don’t worry, Flutters, I’m sure we’ll be seeing each other again real soon.”

I winked suggestively to keep her guessing before wandering off into the forest with Fluffy right behind me. Or so she thought.

. . .

Nurse Redheart was frantic. She weaved through the Sunday marketplace just as the sales were winding down. Where was Twilight? Finding the unicorn was at the forefront of her mind, until she noticed Big McIntosh trot by with a doll... An amazing, wonderful doll.

She had to have it.

. . .

I was not wandering. In fact, I knew exactly where I was going. Once I was out of sight of the hut, I checked the sun for time and direction. It had almost set by now. I had no idea how far Fluffy dragged me. “Hey, Fluff. You think you could find that basilisk for me?”

He nodded and fled into the undergrowth. I followed.

It really didn’t take long. Forty-foot snakes aren’t easy to miss. “Nice job, buddy. I’ll make you a treat.”

I pulled out my knife and unfolded it. On the mean streets of Madison, it wasn’t uncommon for me to get mugged once (even twice, a couple times) a day. I’m pretty intimidating, but some people just don’t give a shit. Hence.

You’ve seen enough Man vs. Wild to know here this is going. What, did you expect me to become a vegetarian? Not fucking likely. I sawed the head off and peeled the skin free like your girlfriend’s stockings. Oh, you didn’t know she wore stockings? Well, she did for me.

I hung the pelt in a tree. Maybe I’d make some boots or something. I dragged the guts out and Fluffy almost immediately started chewing on them. I set up a long fire pit between two trees and strung the carcass in between them. “How’re them guts, Fluffy?”

He shook shit from the intestines before slurping them down like pink, rubbery spaghetti. “I take that to mean it’s safe to eat.”

I lit the fire and watched the sun go down, turning my dinner every few minutes. About halfway through cooking, a loud “Twilight Sparkle!” echoed through the trees. I shrugged my shoulders and turned back to my dinner. By the time it was done, the sun had set. I had been trying not to think. I just need to survive till I get home.

Speaking of survival, the basilisk was done. I sawed off a chunk of the cooked flesh. I would later learn that basilisk meat was considered a delicacy by the carnivorous population of Eden due to the difficulty in obtaining it. I, however was immune to both it’s killing gaze and it’s poisonous breath, meaning I suffered from no such difficulties.

But for right now, I was just wondering if the meat was poisonous. It was an odd ashen gray, and was flaky like fish. It smelled delicious, but my inner Admiral Ackbar was tapping the inside of my skull insistently.

“Fuck it. YOLO.” My hunger won out as I popped the chunk into my mouth and chewed. Imagine the sweet tang of bacon combined with the hearty body of prime rib. Probably the best meat I’ve ever eaten. And as a born-and-bred Wisconsinite, my diet consists mainly of meat, cheese and corn products, so I’m pretty experienced on the subject.

I began wolfing the meat down like there was no tomorrow. No need to stretch it, there was plenty. Even after I filled myself to bursting, almost three-fourths of the animal remained. I sliced off about a dozen cutlets before nodding to Fluffy, who’d been drooling over it ever since he finished his guts, and he tore into it almost as ravenously as I had.

I folded the basilisk skin, which had been drying over the fire, into a loose bag and stowed tomorrows lunch inside. “You just about done, Fluffy?” He gurgled contentedly, stomach slightly distended. Reminding me every bit of Templeton, he dragged his suddenly fat ass over to me and nuzzled my side. I smiled and sighed.

“Well, Fluffy, It’s nice knowing that there’s another monster on the loose that I can hang out with, but I really should be getting back before Red and Sparky have a conniption. I don’t think that following me into town would be the best idea, either, so I suggest you sleep that snake meat off, and I’ll come find you sometime tomorrow, deal?” He belched loudly in response and I laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Giving him a goodbye rub behind the ears, I turned and began the trek back into town.

There’s a bar calling my name.

. . .

“Princess!”

Celestia was not in the mood for this. All day she’d been running around, playing the pretty, benevolent princess. Smiling for the cameras, answering her subjects pointless, menial questions. For the Gods sake, she was a Mortal God, a manipulator of the forces of nature itself! Why should she care if little Daisy Chain is almost sixteen and hasn’t had her first estrus yet? But apparently it was important enough to bother the rutting ruler of the country about! It’s not like she has a mother around to explain where foals come from or anything!

She sighed for the hundred and forty-second time that day. The kingdom had lived in peace for a thousand years, and that was definitely a good thing.

But you know what they say about too much of a good thing.

Without any war or poverty to worry about, her people have become spoiled. Without an enemy to hate, they’ve turned their hate on themselves.

She was glad she could finally relax. Focus on her own comfort for once. She laid herself tenderly on her velvet cushion in front of the fire.

“Princess?” She cringed again as Peppermint’s high, raspy voice grated against her ears again. Her butler’s throat condition was a result of taking an assassins arrow to it in her stead a few years back. He still bore the scar and now could only speak in a grating falsetto and was only capable of drinking hot liquids, such as tea.

“Yes, Peppermint?”

“Pardon me, Your Grace, but I thought you’d wish to know; while you were off visiting Marexico, we received a letter from Mistress Sparkle.”

“Send for it. I could use some good news.”

“At once, Your Majesty.” He flipped his red-and-white striped mane at one of the younger servants and they scurried off. He continued, “Did you enjoy your trip, Highness?”

“It was successful. The minor drought has been alleviated by the reorganization of their weather teams. In addition, the guard have captured an abandoned dragon egg, a Charred Ruby, judging by the egg markings.”

As usual, Pepper read her like a book. “Yes, but did you have fun?”

“A week of speaking Manish and eating tacos. Yes, of course, I had a wonderful time. My digestive system is a wreck and if I have to hear one more, Si, Princesa, I’m going to scream.”

“Well, at least your capacity for sarcasm is undamaged. You may vent, if you wish.”

“A few thousand years ago, a dry year was the least of everyponys worries.”

“Do not tell me you are bored, Highness?”

“The most fun thing I did today was banish a ‘want it, need it’ spell. That was the most strenuous use of magic I’ve had in days. I have gone beyond bored, Peps. My job as ruler is to keep the balance, but the world is already balanced. What’s the point of having an immortal God-Princess around when the kingdom’s biggest problem is a unicorn with slightly spastic magic use?”

“A rather attractive unicorn. Shame she’s such a spaz.”

“Pepper!” She had no further time to reprimand the head butler, however, for the letter had arrived. The princess sent the newly arrived and eager-to-please servant away. She preferred to read Twilight’s letters alone or in Peppermint’s company. Other than Luna, Peppermint was the only pony left who really understood her. “I wonder why she didn’t tell me she sent a letter.”

“It arrived earlier today as I was cleaning your study. By the by, you really should be more careful with your ink.” Her Majesty rolled her eyes in an unprincesslike manner and proceeded to read the letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

I am writing this letter to bring to your attention an anomaly. As I am certain you are aware of, the fact that Ponyville is on the edge of the Everfree Forest, and as a result, we see quite a few strange things out here, the most of which, a creature that calls himself a 'Human'. Enclosed is a sketch I drew of this creature. His name is John. I will be researching him as much as possible while he is here. Please respond with your thoughts.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

As she read, the princesses eyes grew wider and wider.

“No...” It couldn’t be. “Not again.”

She flipped to the next page, only to find a detailed sketch of the most destructive creature she’d ever encountered. One that existed outside the very bounds of her world itself. Her voice became deadly calm. The sketch caught fire in her telekinetic grip.

“Peppermint, notify Captain Armor to mobilize the guard. I need a battalion of Solar Soldiers and get my armor polished and cleaned. A few ballistae couldn’t hurt either.”

“Princess? If you don’t mind me asking, what did the letter say?”

“The Humans have returned. And there is a good chance they want revenge.”

Peppermint’s eyes widened. Then he shook his head. “No, that’s impossible. The portal was sealed and is under constant guard. Nothing could get in or out.”

“Humans are clever. And spiteful. There must have been some contingency, some loophole we didn’t think of-”

“We’re not even sure it’s really a Human. It could be a shapeshifter, or a Phobo.”

“Nonsense. Humans are immune to all schools of magic, even Illusion. Nothing can magically take the form of a human but another human.” The princess brought out a pen and parchment and began to compose a letter. “I destroyed every record of their existence myself, Twilight wouldn’t have been able to draw one in such detail if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes.”

Celestia looked over the letter.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

The creature you found is a blight on our world, it’s mere existence an insult to the way our universe works. I will be there to retrieve it by sunset tomorrow, until then, do not believe anything it says, do not let it out of your sight, and for the Gods sakes, do not let it touch you!

Princess Celestia

It would have to suffice. There was a lot to do, and very little time to do it. Taking down a Human would require tact, secrecy, and an overwhelming force of numbers. Their immunity to magic and otherworldly biology meant that one Human warrior could be the equivalent of up to a hundred guardsponies, and their upright stature and clever fingers could get up to all sorts of mischief.

The princess shook her head. When the Humans emerged the first time, nearly ten millennia ago, there was a massive uproar that nearly tore the planet apart. She would do anything to prevent that from happening again.

Anything.

Shining Armor burst through the doors to the Princess’s private lounge. He’d only done this once before, and he’d left stammering and red-faced. Now, however, his face was pale and his voice deadly calm as he did a hasty bow. “Princess. You’ve mobilized Goldenrod Squad. May I ask why?”

“An ancient enemy has resurfaced, an enemy older than any history you’ve been taught. Their mere presence nullifies magic, they carry Discords cunning and the strength of a ten stallions. They are nothing like you have ever seen.”

“I am ready, Your Majesty.”

“No, you are not. You will guard the castle and prepare the dungeon while I am apprehending the creature.”

A surprised and hurt look crossed the captains face. “But... Princess!”

“No. I need you here protecting the castle in case my mission fails. Ponies are going to die, Captain. These creatures nearly split the planet in two. Literally.”

The captain sighed. An order was an order. “I’ll fortify the dungeon and double the castle guard in preparation for your return.”

“Good. Dismissed, Captain.” He trotted out with that cold fire in his eyes. That cold fire was why Celestia made him the Captain in the first place.

She tossed the letter into the fireplace. It instantly disintegrated into a puff of smoke and flew out the window as she slumped down onto her velvet pillow. Peppermint, who’d been quiet, leaned over and began massaging her haunches. “Still bored, Highness?”

She sighed for the hundred and forty-third time that day.

“I just had to open my big mouth...”

Author's Note

Yeah, I know, "Two months to write one chapter? That's BULLSHIT!"

Well, I'm having trouble at home, and I'm not getting paid for this shit.

So calm yo tits. Jesus.

And I Get Some Help

Micheal Salem, John's brother, in case you've forgotten, was doing what healthy Humans do; moving on. It had been a month since John had disappeared under mysterious circumstances, seemingly kidnapped by a woman who was not a woman at all, and not a man, either. There had been no fingerprints, no signs of struggle, the only clue a serpent painted in kerosene on the wall.

Mike didn't know who to believe. The police were wringing their hands, having dealt with situations like this before, Chief Rogers kept giving him the same reply when he visited the station: "We're still looking, Mike, and if we find something you'll be the first to know. John was a tough dude, if he's alive, he's doing well, and maybe he doesn't want to be found."

He could tell from the tone of the Chief's voice; she thought he was dead.

Sebastian said that he was 'very confident' that John lived and was doing well, but Mike wasn't inclined to believe Seb without evidence of any kind. Ariel, his wife, put it very politely when she said, "Sweetie, Sebastian is shell-shocked. His best buddy is missing, and I feel like he's the sort who's always going to be chasing ghosts."

It was maddening, though, knowing he was gone. Just like that, without a goodbye or a second glance. All Mike could do was throw himself into his work and his budding family; Ari was two weeks pregnant.

It broke Mike's heart, that his child would never get to see their uncle. He couldn't even remember their last conversation, hell, it could've been a fight, and now, no matter what anybody said, it felt like he'd never talk to or see his brother again.

In a deeper part of him, a part that even he wasn't aware of, he knew that John lived. Despite Sebastian's insistence, Mike knew his brother was in pain.

The day before Halloween, Lana, John's girlfriend, showed up at the home of the Salem's. She knocked timidly, half-hoping no-one would answer. Ariel answered the door, letting her in and offering her tea. Mike listened to her patiently, nursing his mug and feeling numb. He'd never felt that Lana was good for John, and now, he was gone, and she was moving on. She felt they'd been growing apart for months, she was moving back in with her parents. She'd never expected him to just up and disappear. She hoped he was okay.

John had complained of her being unfaithful, but then, he had stayed with her for so long, it was hard for him to say anything. He always said that it's better to stick with the hurt that you know.

Lana left, and Mike regretted not saying anything scathing to her on John's behalf. That was what he would have wanted.

. . .

I puffed weed smoke as I prayed to the machine gods. Then, closing my eyes and clenching my anus, I turned the holy key.

The gentle choir of farts that was the sound of La Etoille-Fille starting and idling was the sweetest music I had ever heard. The car had become my mistress these past few days, I'd been retooling her to run on alcohol; it was a multi-fuel engine, but there had been like, two pints of gas sent with, apparently kerosene meant to be enough to rendesvouz with the supply chain. I'd had to filter a bunch of my vodka and mix it with axle grease from the hardware store to get a viable fuel going.

I'd have to stop there, later, I needed some more parts for my baby, and I needed some mud to fix the hole in my wall. I had spent about twenty thousand gil at the local hardware store in the past month, and I planned on spending more. Money was laughably easy to earn in this country as an alien. It was a heaven of sorts, here in Equestria, nobody ever asked for any kind of registrations or permits, just gold up front, thanks for your time. There was like, one cop in town, and when she saw me carting my home-brewed alcohol and dime-bags of "tea," she'd tip her fucking hat to me, I shit you not. Customers weren't hard to find, we'll leave it at that.

So needless to say, money was no longer an object for me, if it had been in the first place. I was glad to spend some cranking the shit out of my interplanetary cousin's toys. I let the engine run a few minutes, getting out and checking the exhaust. I was glad that the new mix seemed to be burning clean, it had initially been dark blue-black from too much grease. I needed to preserve the parts that I had because it was likely we wouldn't be able to resupply, at least until we got back to Earth. What I had initially taken for a V8 was something more like a V7, I could only count seven cylinders, but it ran at a constant buzz of perfected out-of-the-box efficiency. I had jitneyed a supercharger with a barn fan and chimney piping, but the suck thing about that was it was robbing horsepower. I was hoping they would have something I could rig a turbo out of.

The vehicle was shiny brushed aluminum, the smooth paneling of the shipping drone re-purposed into rounded armor plating. There were bench seats in the front and back, which were some sort of padded plastic, but I planned on reupholstering them with something. The cheapo IKEA buggy that it was, it initially hadn't had interior paneling, but I'd sawed some nice hardwood boards and slipped them over the controls. It felt a bit like a clown car; in the driver seat, which was on the right, my head brushed the ceiling, and in the back seats I had to bend over to sit comfortably.

I checked my watch, it was still early in the morning. I had again failed to get any actual sleep for several days. I was starting to feel like I didn't need it. I needed more coffee, though, my poor machine had been doing overtime. I quickly went inside to jot down a list, calling to my drake and feeding her a note to Twilight asking her if she wanted to grab breakfast or some coffee. I had errands to run in town today, and I tried to get everything done in one trip. I hated Ponyville with an odd, directionless rage that actually concerned me, yet I felt drawn to the town, as if all of the rest of Eden were a vacuous void that I dared not explore. Canterlot had been worse, yet.

"Scar, sweetie, you wanna go in the car?" Scarlet, my little wyvern companion for her entire life, was hard to categorize. Her presence in my house was officially that of a glorified scribe, supposedly she would quickly learn to read and write and be able to send letters directly. In practice so far, it had been more like somebody had dropped a toddler who had been raised by dogs in my lap. She'd been able to run and glide within minutes of her hatching, and had fire-breath that, unlike Spike's, was apparently of both magical and natural origin due to her being both a wyvern and a letterdrake. Which meant that her pyromaniacal tendencies were actually of true threat to me. Despite this, she was my constant companion, mostly out of the fact that if I let her out of my sight, important things would soon become so much ash in the wind.

She leapt into the vehicle, and together, we were off to town.

First stop was Miss Shy. I buzzed down the rough path through the woods, feeling free. Fluttershy was my neighbor, for all intents and purposes; she only lived a few minutes away by flight to her and by car to me. These past few days I'd been hitting her up early in the mornings to wake and bake. The sun was just peeking it's head over the horizon when I knocked on her door, calling in, "Open up, it's the police! Grab your bong!"

She answered the door, wearing a pink nightgown and giggling sleepily, "Tee-hee, bong."

I packed a bowl while she went out to check on her chickens. We had gotten into the habit of wake-and-baking these past few days; that combination of insomnia and early-birdedness that occurs so beautifully in nature. She came back with a basket of eggs in her teeth. I took a long hit to prepare myself for the next question, "How did you pick those up?"

"Just, you know, with my hooves." To demonstrate this, she opened her cupboard and pulled out a pan, setting it on the stove and cracking an egg into it with her hooves. I watched in disgusted awe, and then helped myself to another hit before passing. I started some toast while Fluttershy took a short rip as it rolled, clearing her throat gently.

"So, what're you up to today?" I asked conversationally, trying to change the subject. I took another hit, feeding the cherry and passing back.

Fluttershy answered in the middle of her hit, covering to mouth of the bong and speaking through smoke, "Oh, you know, just gonna hide in my house all day. Avoid Nightmare-Nighters."

"Oh, shit, it's Halloween today! Good thing I'm going to town. Wait, did you say, 'hide in the house all day'?

"Yeah, I don't really care for Nightmare Night. I've got a lot of traumatic memories of ponies pulling pranks on me as a foal, and Rainbow Dash still thinks it's funny."

"Oh, pranks," I said, reminiscing about childhood. I sighed, exhaling smoke and wishing I hadn't left my flask in the car. "I mean, nothing wrong with a little practical joke every once in a while, and Halloween is the time to do it, right?"

She made a face like she didn't wanna get into it. "Rainbow takes it too far, sometimes."

There was a pause in the conversation as she passed the bong back to me, and I hit it. She checked her eggs, flipping them and asking me, "Did you want an egg?"

"Yeah, I mean, if you're makin' em." She gave her plate to me and started two more. The toaster scared the fuck out of me as it spat out two pieces of charred bread, and I remembered I'd been making toast "Would you want some toast?

"Yes, please," she said politely. I started some more, buttering mine and biting into it. An odd thought popped into my head, as they do when I blaze, and I decided to voice it.

"Fluttershy?" I said, swallowing my bite of toast. She turned to me, and before she could respond, I said, "Thanks for being my friend."

She blushed and giggled again, and the sound was like butterflies having an orgy. "You're very welcome, John. Thanks for coming to visit so often. I get a little lonely out here on the edge of the forest."

Glad that part of the conversation was over, I leapt on the new topic. "Why do you live out here?"

"Well, part of it's for my job, I'm the Fog Liaison for Canterlot Weather, I'm supposed to monitor low-atmosphere cloud activity coming from the forest. Most of the time it's pretty quiet, but occasionally something will come up. I've got all my animals, too, and I've found they're better off away from town. Angel gets into shenanigans."

"Well, we all hate shenanigans." I also hated that fucking rabbit. I was hoping to "accidentally" run into him in the woods so I could use him for pie filling. He was just a little guy, though, wouldn't make a very good pie. Maybe he'd be better for a stew. I changed the subject, "Speaking of animals, I've been meaning to ask, could I get some chicks from you? I've been meaning to start a henhouse."

I neglected to mention that I would likely be eating these chicks eventually. She nodded absentmindedly, "I'll put some of these in the incubator later."

I looked at the eggs on my plate. "Wait, so you're telling me these are fertilized? You're just totally fine with eating a potential baby chick?"

She looked at me, and then at the eggs in the pan. "Well, if you're gonna feel bad about that, then you might as well feel bad about all the sperm that everypony wastes, or the flowers and the grass."

"I love how your mind immediately leaps to sperm."

She winked luridly at me, purring, "Mare's gotta eat."

I coughed through my toast, choking on my laughter, "I can't believe you just said that, that's fucking disqusting,"

Flutters was like that, quiet, up until the moment she said something that made the room erupt with laughter. There was an easy companionship to her that even a washed-up, wrecked piece of shit like me could appreciate. She could be friends with a rock, in fact, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if she was. She often joked about sex, as one's aunty or raunchy grandma would.

Unfortunately, this reminded me of another unfortunate detail that was unfortunately sinking in over these past weeks; On a planet where drugs are scarce and virtually unheard of, alcohol is abolished and practiced only in private, there is only the erotic arts to entertain. Despite the abundance of pornography around my cabin, I wasn't attracted to ponies. I had purchased it on principle, and now I mostly read the articles, after failing to find the pictures titilating. For some reason, the ponies in the porn were covered up most of the time anyway.

I regretted leaving my flask in the car. I regretted everything, from the moment I arrived in Equestria, to the moment I entered the Canterlot Vessel. I regretted being born and existing. I just wanted the nightmare to end. "John, I really wish you would see a professional about this," said the voice in my head.

I'm serious. These are unbecoming thoughts of the future ruler of mankind. In addition, I'm extremely sick of hearing your whiny bullshit. This isn't exactly a picnic for me, either, "Uhhh, My name Is John and I'm so sad that I'm stuck in this immortal blonde baby hunk body forever, and on top of it all, I'm possessed by a ghost that forces me to be productive, it's not like she's stuck being a bodyless shadow and having to deal with my whiny baby bullshit, wah, wah."

Yeah, thanks, have fun with nonexistence. I tried to focus on what was in front of me rather than my current existential crisis, as one does. Scarlet returned from the woods, and Fluttershy gasped when she found the baby wyvern had a frog in her throat, literally. "Flugguhshuh, I ghaught a fghog!"

"Spit him out, sweetie." I said sternly, and she did, the amphibian seeming shaken but none the worse for wear. Fluttershy adored Scarlet, obviously, but I tried not to let her eat stuff alive in front of her just out of politeness. I took him outside and tossed him in the pond, telling him, "You're a lucky motherfucker, today."

Scar wanted an egg, too, since I took her frog.

"Don't cook it," she demanded. She was such a perfect little bitchy angel.

"Can you catch?" I asked, and found to my delight that she could; I tossed her a raw egg and she snapped it up, shell and all. She was still growing, but seemed to be slowing down, entering what Fireheart had called the "nymph" stage of draconic development. She would stay about the size of a little dog for a few decades, "Storing magic in her magic fat until she reaches adolescence."

Fucking word-for-word, what he said.

The sun hadn't risen very far when we got ready to leave. I "forgot" a couple ten-bit coins on Flutters' counter for her trouble, and told her I'd come by in a few days with some schwag. "Are you going to Rarity's party?"

"I might make an appearance," she said mysteriously, in a way that meant she'd definitely be there.

I grinned as I started my car and sped away from the cottage. My smile faded as I got further down the trail, remembering that I was headed to Ponyville, a fact that killed my buzz for obvious reasons. Now I have to deal with people.

. . .

Wingnut enjoyed his job at Ponyville Hardware. It was quiet, most of the time, and he wasn't working with food, except animal and dragon food, mostly. There were some candy bars at the front.

The counter was by the door, and ponies had to pass it to come into the store. There wasn't enough traffic that it was ever busy, and customers would often stop to talk to him. That was the most exhausting part of the job. His boss and no relation, Lugnut, would occasionally wheel out of his office in his chair to bark instructions at him. He had only been working there for a week, but it seem there only needed to be two or three workers on shift at a time.

Which made it all the stranger when an odd, ponyless vehicle came buzzing down the street, gently avoiding pedestrians and parking itself in a carriage spot, and an odd, beige creature stepped out on two legs, followed by a paraplegic dragon. Naturally, Lugnut wheeled out on his chair, droning at him, "Wing, this guy's spent twenty thousand bits here in the past month, if he says jump, you better leap, you feel me?"

"Yeah, I feel ya." Wingnut replied, not making eye contact due to staring at the creature. It looked a bit like a minotaur, standing upright on two legs and walking with a swinging gait. It had an odd, flat face, with a snubbed, fleshy nose.

Wingnut watched as the creature loped into the store, pushing the door open with its upper appendage. It had a cigarette in it's mouth, trailing smoke, and it' face was framed by a light hay-colored mane. The dragon darted through it's legs.

"Go pick something out," it said, speaking to the dragon.

"Hello, welcome to Ponyville Hardware!" Wingnut, said, automatically, as he was supposed to. The creature grunted at him, breezing past the counter and grabbing a cart. He headed toward gardening supplies, but soon returned, holding one of their heavy-duty shovels in one paw.

It hefted it, asking, "Is this the biggest shovel you got?"

Despite the creatures alien appearance, it had a strong Marennesota drawl, drawing out it's "o" sounds and shortening consonants. The combination was rather comical, and Wing tried not to laugh, instead smiling and saying, "Sorry, that's the biggest one we have."

The creature grunted again, tossing the shovel in it's cart anyway. It picked up a few more gardening supplies, moving on to Piping, and then into Livestock. Again, he questioned Wing, "Hey, do these chicken coops come all assembled like this?"

"Nah, they come in a box and we put 'em together in the back."

"I'll need one of those, then."

"Sure thing."

The creature grabbed supplies for barn fowl, and stuffed a bag of granulated gemstones underneath his cart, finally moving into Heating and Furnace. He approached the counter with another question, more complicated this time. "So, here's the thing, I'm trying to make a turbocharger, do you know what that is?"

Wingnut shook his head.

"Okay, well, my car out there has an exhaust system, and that system isn't under any pressure right now, because all I have is a supercharger on it. I'm trying to cap something on the end of it that will pull the exhaust through faster, you know, make a seal on there, and pressurize it so it takes the weight off the super." He held up a turbo unit, one of the smaller ones that they used in really long stove and furnace pipes. "I think this is what I need, but I need to take it down to nine millimeters, and I don't see any adapters."

Wingnut knew there was a kit over in piping, so he ran and got it. He had done a lot of furnace units with his dad, and had used it before, though not for this, obviously. "That would be what you need, there's sets for six down up to twelve."

"Thanks, dude." He inspected the kit and threw it in his cart, wheeling up to the counter.

"Yeah, no problem." Wingnut started ringing him up. He had a lot of stuff, the bill climbing up past five hundred bits, and nearing nine hundred after adding the chicken coop and the granulated gemstones. He had gotten sticks for welding, metal piping, and wide plastic tubes. There was paint mixed in, along with rolling brushes and clear coat. There was plant food, rubber hoses, and garden twine as well. Trying to make small talk, Wing asked, "Planning a big project?"

"Trust me, you don't even want to know." The creature set a hefty bag of coins on the counter and began to count platinum fifty-bits. "I should be in the computer, John, J-O-H-N,"

The little dragonet brought a pack of Rocket Shots up to the counter, a dragon treat that was basically a candied firework, and Wing scanned it along with the rest. He was about to make change, but the creature shook it's odd, round head, eyeing Wing's nametag. "Keep it. Are you new here?"

"Yeah, I started last week."

"Oh, that explains it. The creature named John took his receipt, politely bidding farewell, and resolutely going about the business of stuffing his cart and a half's worth of purchases into the trunk of his ponyless carriage. To Wing's surprise, it all seemed to fit, the boxed chicken coop fitting neatly into the backseat.

The odd pair sped away downtown to the rhythmic buzz of the craft's engine. Lugnut wheeled out of his office again, asking curiously, "How much did he get?"

Wingnut looked at the store receipt. "Nine hundred eighty-six bits."

"He must be slowing down, that's his smallest bill, yet."

"Really? What is he?" Wingnut filed the receipt and closed the register.

Lugnut wheeled back into his office, stopping in the doorway. "I think they call him a Human. There was an announcement like a month ago about it, the Princess was involved."

"Huh. Seems like a decent enough guy."

"Yeah, a little weird-looking for sure, but hey, I don't judge."

. . .

"Man, I hate fucking bits. I feel like I'm paying for everything with Chuck E. Cheese tokens." My wyvern and I drove away from the hardware store with our purchased booty. The light vehicle handled differently loaded; I was hoping to finish our errands and unload soon, so I could unwind with a nice Long Island iced tea before I had to go to Rarity's party and deal with people.

Scar stopped licking her firework candy, the sweet fizzling and popping loudly over her question, "What's Chuck E. Cheese?"

"It's like a carnival, I guess, but it's like, in a store. You can have, like, birthday parties and bar mitzvahs there. You play games, get pizza stuff, like that."

"Oh. Well, that sounds pretty cool. Could you light stuff on fire?" Scarlet often told me that her favorite dreams were the ones where the whole world was aflame. She could be a bit one-dimensional at times, but maybe it's my fault for humoring her.

"Depends on what. The staff might frown on certain things going up in flame. You could probably get away with birthday candles."

"Huh," She was about to ask another question, but interrupted herself by belching a tongue of flame and a small note.

"That'd be Twi. Can you read it, or do you need my help?" I was still driving, but she was still learning how to read, so there you go. Having the only car in town was fun because there was very little traffic but the occasional pony-drawn carriage; it was annoying because I constantly had to weave around pedestrians at four miles an hour.

"Naw, I know all these words: She said she's down for tea."

"Cool. Where at?"

"Hay Barn again. That girl is not adventurous."

"No, she is not. Then again, neither am I." I had actually suspected this, and we were halfway there already. I stuck a joint in my lip and leaned over to the passenger side. "Can you light me without setting my beard on fire?"

Apparently not. I wrinkled my nose at the smell of my own burning hair, inhaling and passing.

"Sorry, dude. Still trying to perfect the technique." Scarlet pinched the joint between her wing claws from where she sat with her tail tucked beneath her, puffing on it daintily before passing back. She never coughed: she was a dragon, after all.

By the time we finished the joint, we were at the Hay Barn. I flicked the roach into the bushes, grateful Sparks had chosen this location; I had business here, as well. At night, the Hay Barn became the Bannered Mare, one of John's Finest Ales and Spirits most profitable retail locations. Scotch had conned his brother Cole into turning the nightclub into a speakeasy at my insistence, and their brother Lyp had followed soon after. My fast and easy wealth had come from a simple business practice of creating a market where there was none.

I went into the office and woke up Scotch, passed out on the couch, getting him to fill out order forms the best I could. He blathered blearily at me about lasses and nannies, and once I got what I needed, I left him to his drunken nap. Sometimes I felt bad for taking advantage of him, and by extension his brothers and much of the town for monetary gain, but I spent a shit ton of my profits at the hardware store anyway.

I had all of the equipment we needed to contact Earth. We were just waiting for the quantum isotope to decay. I had been waiting a day and a half already and there were still a few hours left. I was hoping we could get it done before I had to go to Rarity's party.

Twi showed up exactly on time, as usual, dragon in tow. It was a sense of scholarly duty that drove us together; She was trying to learn about Earth. I had just been telling her stories about my life, mundane stuff about society on Earth. I answered her questions the best I could, but I wasn't an expert on anything, by any means.

We sat at a table and I ordered my second breakfast for the day, making small talk with Twi. She gossiped about our mutual friend group often, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were less familiar to me, I had only met them once or twice. They were often busy, which was a shame, because as cool as the girls were, it felt odd to not have any dude friends who weren't also business partners.

It boggled me that Twilight had been given "Friendship" as a subject of study by the Princess. It also boggled me that it was a matter of official government importance that the Princess have personal students that she instruct on lessons in profoundly hypothetical subjects. The juxtaposition of me being assigned with the subject of "Human History," when I was likely more knowledgeable than her in the subject, was asinine to me. It had to be just an excuse for something. Then again, she didn't know about my know-it-all passenger yet.

During a lull in the conversation, I brought up something that was a little difficult to segue into: The state of my decaying mental health. "So, Sparks, I've been meaning to ask you, do you know any good shrinks around here?"

"Shrinks?" She raised an eyebrow, clearly unfamiliar with the term.

"Uh, like a psychiatrists? Head doctor?" I wondered if somehow Equestria had somehow evolved past the need for such things.

"Oh, a psychiatrist! Yeah, Doctor Ball down at Ponyville General is a good friend of mine. That's who I recommended to Pinkie when she was having her, uh... episode."

"Doctor Ball?" I choked back a snicker.

"Yeah, we're in book club together. She had a bit of a strange opinion on Old Mare and the Sea, but she did a good job with Pinkie, and she's always given me good advice." She sipped her tea, dabbing a chunk of her muffin in it and swallowing it.

"Oh, well, thanks." I poured vodka from my flask into my orange juice. It was a bit early still, but it was Halloween, damn it.

"Is everything alright?" She eyed me quizzically.

"Yeah, I've just been... thinking about stuff a lot lately."

"Well, I'm glad that you're getting help. You can always talk to me, too, if you need it." She told me with genuine relief, putting away her notebook and pen. I finished my hash browns and eggs, and Twi finished her muffin. Our infant drakes clawed at each other under the table, whispering secrets.

"Thanks, Twi." She hugged me when I left. I asked if she could take care of Scarlet for an hour or two, and she agreed. I'd pick her up at the library after I went and got my head fixed. Apparently the local hospital not only had a psychiatrist, but one that did walk-ins. Go figure. Explains the mental health of the local populace.

I'm proud of you, John

Like you're not part of the problem, I was beginning to appreciate your silence. I drove alone down to Ponyville General Hospital. The radio in the buggy worked, and picked up local channels, but it turns out that I don't really like pony music. I was still waiting for the verdict from Vinyl on the jack for my phone. She said she could order one, but it might take a few weeks, which was really harshing my buzz, but that's life. I should be thankful that I didn't nee to make one.

When I walked into the lobby, I winced when I saw who was behind the front desk: Nurse Redheart. I hadn't seen her since I had hugged her goodbye at Twilight's almost three weeks ago. I had been doing my best to block the memory out, and here it was, fresh and center stage. She was looking at a chart, and hadn't noticed me, yet. I dreaded every step to the counter.

"Hey, Red," I said, trying to act casual.

She turned at my voice, and to my surprise, she turned back to her chart. "Oh, hey, John. Can I help you?"

I shook it off, not looking a gift horse in the mouth, pun intended. If she wanted to forget about the little incident at the edge of the woods, I would too. "I'm trying to set up a walk-in with Doctor Ball?"

She set the chart down, and checked a clipboard hanging from the wall. "She's on lunch until twelve-thirty."

It was, like, a quarter-after; I could wait. I went outside and smoked a joint, and hey-ho, when I went back inside, Red was on the phone with the good Doctor. "Yes, John the Human. Yes, the Human. Okay, I'll send him up."

She put the phone down on the receiver, smiling cordially at me. "Head upstairs and down the hall on your left, she'll be by Waiting Room A,"

I went upstairs and to the left, stopping beneath the Waiting Room A sign. Picking a seat and picking up a magazine, I waited. I had just barely opened to an article about gluten-free hay when one of the several doors entering into the waiting room opened. A grey pony in pink scrubs held the door open with a hoof. She focused a pair of rose colored eyes on me through golden-rimmed half-moon glasses. Her mane was rolled into tight, purple dreadlocks that were pulled into a ponytail. Her tail was also dreadlocked, but hung free.

"John?" She asked rhetorically, considering I was the only being in the room. I stood and followed her silently though another hallway and into her office. To my surprise, there was no desk. Instead, there were two thick blue mats on the floor. "Would you like to take your jacket off?"

I did, and because it felt appropriate, I took my boots and socks off, too. The room felt very relaxing, there were wide glass windows illuminating the office with gentle, natural light from outside. The walls were a gentle blue, matching the sky. She sat on one of the mats and gestured at the other with a hoof. I sat obediently, crossing my legs. She held out a hoof for me to shake with a natural motion that for once I didn't question, and introduced herself: "I'm Doctor Ball."

"Hi, I'm John Salem."

"So I've heard. I'd just like to say it's a pleasure to finally meet you in person."

"Oh, well, thanks."

"So, what brings you to my office, today?"

To me, the answer encompassed many subjects, so I was forced to be vague. "I've been under a lot of stress, lately."

She nodded her head, like she understood completely. "Well, why don't you lie down and talk to me about it?"

I laid my body down on the comfy blue mat, and thought about where to start. To my surprise, the cieling of the room was painted with a pretty pointilist mural of a tranquil ocean scene. I supposed the beginning was a good place to start.

"Thirty-seven days ago, I was getting drunk one night in Madison, when a freaky chick who I'm no longer convinced was another human being starting making out with me in the supply closet at the bar. I blacked out after that, and I don't think it was the alcohol. Whoever, or whatever she was, she transported me from my home planet, to here, where everything resembles a children's cartoon, and not even one I particularly enjoyed. I know she did this for a reason, a reason that is probably not a positive one on the whole.

"I hate being wrapped up in nefarious plots, and I hate being stranded on an alien planet even more, but I have to admit, it isn't terrible living here. On Earth I had to struggle to survive among my own kind, never finding sympathy even from fellow humans. Here, it doesn't seem to matter who or what I am, there's enough to go around. I don't have anything to complain about as far as comfort goes." You can tell her about me. Gee, thanks for justifying this visit with your presence. Again, I'm serious. As hilarious as your insults are, I am not a figment of your imagination. You share your skull with another sentient life form. Anyone treating you medically should be aware of this, and I am neither qualified nor willing to treat the acute issue that you have.

"I learned about and subsequently explored an ancient human ruin, which was a little traumatizing in and of itself. When I got to the final chamber, I was possessed by an ancient human ghost, who still talks to me in my head and takes over my body at night. That's kinda important." Doctor Ball seemed to be taking this all in stride, simply nodding and expressing sympathy.

"I'm sorry that happened to you, John. I can imagine how that could be very stressful."

"That's not the worst part, honestly. The voice in my head is annoying, but I'm beginning to acclimate. More than anything, I miss Earth and my family. I didn't want to get mixed up in all of this nonsense, and I'm still not sure if I'll be able to get back. I might be stranded here forever, fighting monsters and living in the woods. It's taken us a month just to be able to send a message to tell them that I'm okay, and that was through what I would call a pretty lucky break. I'm gonna have to get a lot luckier if I'm gonna get home."

"Honestly, John, I believe that we make our own luck. I believe that you've gotten this far because you've worked for it. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course, but you seem like the sort of guy who does what he has to. When you see something you want, you take it, and when you see something you need, you get it. That's why you're in my office." We were both still laying down, not making eye contact, but the way she said it struck me.

She was right. As much as I hated to admit it, that's why I was here. I wanted to make it home, in one piece. I had to take care of myself before I try to go back to save Earth and my people from themselves. I couldn't think of anything else to say about that, so I changed the subject.

"My parents died when I was nineteen. It'll be ten years on my next birthday. I think I'm still fucked up about it."

I heard her sigh. "That sucks. I guess when I think about the people who have passed on in my life, they would have wanted me to try to remember the good times, and to try not to miss them too much. I feel ya, though, that's one of those things that is really hard to quantify, and move on from."

"I got into some nasty shit about that, too. They were murdered by a suicide cult. I was trying to take them down and I ran into an international espionage extraordinaire. " The words were beginning to flow easily, it felt as if a significant burden were being lifted from my spirit. "That got me into some even more nasty shit afterward. To put it in simple terms, my past is filled with a lot of sordid events, not to mention blood and death, more than most people are accustomed to. I've killed a lot of people. I've tried to shelter Mike and Ari from the worst of it, but I'm worried that I didn't do enough, that I'll get back to Earth and they'll both be dead."

"Well, we do what we have to do. We all have the instinct to survive and protect the things we care about, even if we do things we regret in the process." The tone of Doctor Ball's voice didn't change, remaining the same level, calm timbre it had been. Either she had dealt with this sort of thing before, or it was some kind of professional or trained thing, but either way, it was working. "As far and your family, Mike and Ari are a world away from you, now. You said that you can get a message to them, I would focus on that."

Again, very sound advice. I looked at my watch. It had been about thirty-five minutes.

"Getting antsy?" she asked. I looked at her face. Her eyes were closed.

"My dragon's at a friend's house. She like to light stuff on fire, and books are quite flammable"

"That's right, you're one of Princess Celestia's students. I'm guessing your friend is Twilight Sparkle, correct? She has quite a reputation around here, as well."

"Yeah, so I've been learning. I kinda wanted to talk to her about his stuff, but for some reason I felt it was out of her scope."

"Your friends will listen to you complain , John, but they won't be able to solve your problems, because they have their own to deal with. Believe it or not, it's my job to help you with this stuff."

"Honestly, I'm glad I came."

"I'm glad to hear that."

"I have one more thing that I've been having trouble with. It's a little embarassing."

"Shoot."

"I'm not attracted to ponies. A lot of them seem to be attracted to me."

"I'm not attracted to colts. A lot of them seem to be attracted to me. You're a big boy, right? Tell them, "No.""

I was silent for a moment. The hardest thing that I had to admit slithered from my lips like a poisonous slug. "I hate it here. I just want to die, and give up. It's so hard to keep going as things are."

Doctor Ball leaned up slowly to a sit, and I followed suit. Her rose eyes looked into mine. "Think about your parents, and your family, when thoughts like that creep in. Your mind is like a garden, and your thoughts are like plants. When you think a thought, you're watering it. Water the good thoughts, John. Water the thoughts of going home. Water the thoughts of your family, and your life. I think you can make it, John."

I looked out the window, and I couldn't help the watering in my eyes.

I owed it to the people that I cared about, alive and dead, to finish this, whether I started it or not.

"Thanks, Doc."

She held out her hoof for me to shake again. "I hope you come back, John. They can set up an appointment for you at the front desk."

I left the office and did exactly that, having Nurse Redheart sign me up for an appointment next week. On the way to the library, as I weaved through pedestrians, I pondered what Doctor Ball said. Scarlet answered the front door, expecting me, an autumn leaf hot-glued to the point of her snout. "Hey, John, guess what I am?"

"Bat, leaf-nosed." Scarlet giggled at my correct guess, I had only known because I had done a similar costume as a child, real leaf included.Twilight was dressed as some sort of wizard, putting the finishing touches on her outfit, and apparently not expecting to know exactly who she was. I noticed Spike's costume and realized why Scar had changed hers: He was dressed as a purple dragon; she had been planning on going to the festival as a black wyvern.

I told Twi I'd see her at Rarity's later, telling Scar in a whisper, "I like your costume better. It's more elegant."

"What're you talking about? Bats are cool. Going as myself would be kinda dumb."

"Yeah, that's what I'm saying, I feel ya."

Speaking of Rarity, we hit her up before heading back to the cabin. I still needed to pick up my costume. She was dressed in a lacy outfit with foam butterflies sewn to the sash. Supposedly, she was a fairy. She displayed my commissioned costume to me proudly.

"You're going to be attending Rarity's super Sp00ky Nightmare Night Bash as the Monkey King from Journey to the West." She said dramatically, gesturing to the folded costume on the table: A red coat with tails and gold buttons, and a pair of fluffy pantaloons with a fake tail coming out the back. To complete the ensemble, there was a fluffy brown hat with big, fake chimp ears coming out, and a crooked bamboo cane.

"The Monkey King? Isn't that a little racist?" I suppressed a smile, picking it up and trying it on anyway.

Rarity gave me a level look. "I can tell you're joking, but it's not funny how many costumes I've had to re-do today. I had to come up with something that matched, and you're a dead ringer for the King."

"Matched? Who am I matching with?" This was news to me.

Rarity eyed me quizzically. "You're matching the Princess, appropriately. She's your plus-one, right? I thought you knew about that."

"I guess I know, now." Of course. I looked the outfit over, and appreciated the effect. The spark of Halloween spirit that had been smoldering in my chest since last night flared. "I love it, Rares. I think I'll wear it out."

She nodded, ushering me out politely. She had to prepare to host one of the biggest shindigs of the season, of course. "When you return for the party, could you possibly bring some refreshments? You know, your stuff?"

"Weed or booze? Both?"

"Of course, darling. See you at six!" Well, okay. I tossed my jacket, shirt, and pants into the backseat with all of our newly-purchased equipment. My Monkey King costume was not only well-made and gorgeous, it was also extremely comfortable.

We finally left town at about one o'clock, driving past Fluttershy's house back to our cabin in the woods, taking our time in the gentle afternoon breeze. Even in the depth of autumn, the air was still a gentle sixty-eight degrees, and apparently it wouldn't get much colder, even in the winter. Despite this, the leaves were turning autumn colors.

It's induced behavior, John. The days will shorten and the nights will lengthen as Celestia and Luna give the other hemisphere of the planet it's summer as we are given our winter in this one. They are gods for a reason. Every year, every being living on this planet is reminded of a time before the Celestials tamed the weather and the sun. The ultimate goal of this is fear.

How does that work? They're not, like, actually altering the movement of the sun and the moon, are they?

They are. Before Celestia's mother and father arrived in this solar system, it was not what one would call habitable. The planet we now call Eden was a cooling magma ball, devoid of water but rich in minerals, and most importantly, it orbited a pink star that radiated the energy commonly known as magic.

Like cosmic starlings drawn to a stellar flame, Galaxos and Universa decided to make the planet their home, reshaping it to their whim. Universa shrunk the sun and repositioned the planet to optimal life-bringing distance, while her husband Galaxos plucked icy asteroids from the belt and flung them by the thousands to the surface, bringing clouds and weather to the planet. These events would forever bind this solar system with magical rituals that have to be maintained, even to this day.

When Celestia says she is "raising the sun," or Luna says she is "raising the moon," they are literally moving the Eden and its moon with their telekinesis. It's not something that would be easy to do, but it's not something that only they could do, necessarily.

Yeah, yeah, we're back at the cabin. Let's check the isotope. Scarlet darted through my legs, beelining to the woods to hunt. "Don't go too far, sweetie."

I walked with similar fervor up to the attic, taking the steps two at a time, but when I opened the door and looked at the mess of machinery and equipment, I couldn't tell what was what.

What's the matter, John? I thought we were gonna check the isotope?

Yeah, yeah, okay. Is it done decaying or not?

It is. That little green light on the isotope container indicates that vacuum chamber has resealed itself.
If you had been paying attention, you would have realized it was red before. I bit back a mental retort as she guided me to the corner of the room, having me set up a chair at an angle from the screen, like I was going to be recording something. Is there a camera in this mess?There is. It's up on the top of the rack, it's already wired into the system. Just hit the red button.

I regretted not changing back into my jeans and shirt, but I wasn't going to waste any more time. I quickly planned what I was going to say in my head. Before you do anything, pick up that clipboard and read what's on there.I leaned over and hit the button, shaking my head and picking up the clipboard as I sat back down.

"Twenty-four, forty-two, eighty-eight, forty-four, forty-eight, twenty, forty." I read in a monotone. Okay,
you're golden, Ponyboy. Thank you very much. You're welcome, your Majesty. Don't call me that.

"Hey, uh, I've been told that whoever is receiving this message can get it into the hands of my brother, Micheal Salem. He looks like me, but he doesn't have a beard, and he has grey hair and purple eyes. He's hard to miss. Thanks for doing that, I guess.

"Mike, I'm in some deep shit, bro, and I might not be back for a while. I hope you're doing alright. Things are so crazy here, I just wish I was home. I feel like I'm in a war zone. Try not to worry about me too much, though, I'm not in over my head, just yet. I just miss ya, little buddy, and I miss, just being on Earth, man. Anyway, yeah, I hope you're doing alright."

I heard Scarlet tromping around downstairs, calling my name. "John?"

Are you done? Yeah, I think so. Alright, I'm gonna send it now, James Cameron. The quantum physics are a little complicated, but for both our sakes, I'll keep it short: It could take anywhere from an hour to a day to get a response. That is, of course, extremely fast considering the message is travelling several parsecs practically instantaneously. Hey, words hurt, you know, and Titanic was pretty good, even thought it's long as shit. I shut off the camcorder, and went downstairs to tend to my wyvern.

She held a scroll in her wing claw, and another of those striped birds from the woods in her mouth. It was dead and only a little mangled, a gift, apparently. I took the scroll to read and told her to go start some water boiling ,so I could clean it for a late lunch. As usual, she jumped at the opportunity to start a fire, and as usual, I swallowed the dread that one of these days I'd find the woods aflame, and her giggling over the roasted corpses. I pushed these thoughts aside to read the letter.

John,

I hope you haven't forgotten we're attending Rarity's Nightmare Night bash together? Should we meet there? I'm not really sure what the etiquette for this situation would be. Write back with your answer, in coherent Equesh, please?

Celestia

It was almost cute. I penned back a quick response, having Scarlet incinerate it. Then I dug around in the cupboard for the bread crumbs. It was gonna be a good lunch.

Tia,

Don't you worry that pretty little head of yours, baby, I'll take care of everything. I'll meet you at your palace, we can chat before we head out, I've had a pretty interesting time these past few days, you could call it a breakthough in my studies of human culture.

J.

I had plenty of time to dread the party. For now, I'm ready for a nice fried bird lunch with my wyvern. As the bird parts cooked, I watched Fluffy chew the bird's guts by the river, being careful not to get bile on his brand new pink collar, courtesy of Ponyville Hardware. Maybe the party wouldn't be so bad. All my friends were going to be there.

Your girlfriend's gonna be there. Shut up, she's not my girlfriend.

If she's not your girlfriend, then why are you going on a date with her?

It's not a date. Shut up.

Author's Note

Sorry for the wait, but never fear,

For Nightmare Night is almost here,

Drown ourselves in limpid tears,

I've been writing this for almost ten years,

When will God grant me the sweet embrace of death

Fuckin

-Fuck