Discord Vs Cartoon Physics

by Stevebond1990

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Crossover
Length: 4395

When Discord broke free he rendered the Laws of Science and Magic void, what if there was someone who took advantage of this

A Human turned pony hybrid finds himself in Equestria, when he sees what Discord's doing to the world he realises that the world is now like a cartoon. Taking that logic a step further, if the 'Normal' rules of Magic and Science don't apply, then could anyone shape the world to their Will, seeing as the rules that would normally stop them aren't working.

After a quick experiment, the Human seeks the assistance of the one pony with experience in shaping the fabric of reality, Princess Luna.

Together they conspire to derail Discord's plans.

Published 2017-01-09 03:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-01 04:28:34 UTC

It Begins

Chapter 1:

It all began with three fillies tussling around a statue... I know the statue has a story that started long before that but frankly I don't have time to look it up then write it here.

This statue was in fact an enemy of the Pony Princess' encased in enchanted stone, the aptly named Discord.

Where the ponies strived for Order, Discord lived for Chaos.

Now, personally, i have nothing against mixing things up a bit and playing a few pranks as long as they're in good taste and not dangerous, Discord was like that for a long time but he then became a dark shadow of his former self, presumably after realising ponies no longer found his antics funny but routine.

Well Discord went off the deep end and soon started to play steadily more viscous pranks until ponies got hurt and he then started messing with the fabric of reality itself.

Case in point, it's raining chocolate milk and an hour ago it hailed marshmallows.

That was when the Princess' stepped in, the Great and Glorious Celestia and her super cute sister Luna.

There's one more sister at this point but she was in charge of a country to the North far outside Discord's sphere of influence.

At first they tried force... think Wil E. Coyote trying to catch the Roadrunner and you get the picture, then they turned to some kind of Magical Superweapon and ended up with a life sized garden ornament... which they then left in the castle gardens.

The Lord of Chaos is now free and the new operators of that weapon are out looking for it after Discord swiped it.

So much for the Almighty Celestia.

Now, I could trust the main cast to recover it and not miss... ooooooor I could find a way to stack the deck in our favour.

Now where is the blue ball of cuteness.

Now, Discord has seemingly suspended the usual laws of science, nature and magic in favour of being able to basically do what you want if you focus hard enough.

I now have a rock from Earth's moon to give to my marefriend.

Oh that's right... Ahem! Hello, my name is Ruyter and I am a former Human living in Equestria.

I'm not the first, apparently Discord's past antics weakened the barriers between Worlds and occasionally someone falls through.

On arrival every Human becomes a pony, griffon or zebra, no one knows why, it just happens.

Still confused? Just do what I do. Blame Discord!

Now, I arrived about six months before the whole Nightmare Moon thing, only I wasn't an ordinary pony.

I am a Boer, a pony/zebra hybrid. Such unions are normally between Earth ponies and zebras, but the other races aren't unheard of, I myself apparently have Unicorn ancestry.

My coat is the colour of starlight with faint zebra stripes, my mane is a dull gold and I'm built like Shining Armour, only slightly shorter.

The real gem is my Magic being a blend of Unicorn and Zebra, I can do nearly everything a Unicorn can without a horn, only my Magic isn't as strong and takes a bit more concentration.

Also, multitasking like Rarity can is as bad an idea as letting the Cutie-Mark Crusaders into Pinkie's helicopter.

My Emblem (Cutie Mark to the mares) is a blue heater shield with a tree in a meadow with the sky glowing orange at the horizon but fading to dark blue above the tree, and right above the tree is a shooting star.

No, normal conventions for names and cutie-marks don't apply to Zebra's and their descendants for some reason. Have to admit I was looking forward to some cool tribal design like Zecora's.

Anyway, I have been a guest of the castle since I arrived and started to get to know Luna after she was saved, though it took a bribe of chocolate gateaux to get things rolling, after that?

I'm a sci-fi nerd and I had an interest in the space race, Luna loves the ideas now open to her thanks to a thousand years of advancement.

Next year we start on Equestria's version of Sputnik.

Where was I? Oh yes, looking for the cutest Alicorn.

I'm running through the halls of the old castle, in the process of being restored after I reminded Luna one bad night wasn't enough to justify tossing away centuries of culture and History.

Not to mention finding her diary and returning it without peeking got me a kiss and a cuddle.

I trip and skid on my face into the old throne room, as I groan I hear a flutter of wings and an angel descends upon me.

"Ruyter, art thou unharmed?"

I smiled softly, pretty in pink has yet to break Luna of her olde tyme-y speak, "just a little bruised, there's a present for you in my saddlebags."

The lump in the pack lights up with the burnished gold of my magic and lifts out of the pack, popping the flap, it gets about a foot before a blue field grabs it.

"This comes not from Our moon," Luna noted, I stifled a giggle as she took out one of those eye glass things jewellers use to appraise gems.

"It's from my moon," I grinned as she her eyes widened in shock and the eye glass shattered on the floor.

"What... bwah... How did you manage this?" the look on her face tipped me over rolled onto my side laughing.

"Discord, actually," I told her as she went from pouting to frowning, a clear danger warning, "I noticed he's suspended the normal laws of magic and science and decided to have a little fun."

"But thou wouldst have had to reach between Worlds to recover this?" Luna pressed, "it is beyond even Our power?"

"The normal rules don't apply luv, and that's a gift for you... oofph," I grinned, then just held on for the ride as she flew over to me, swept me up and pulled me into a tight hug twenty feet off the floor.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou,"the Moon Princess mumbled emphatically into my mane.

"Anything for you, luv," I told her happily as she lowered us to a safer height, "Now, while I was experimenting I got thinking. Celestia has placed her hopes on the Elements and sadly they are dancing to Discord's fife."

Luna hung her head, "This... is true."

"However, with the normal laws, and therefore limits, of Magic taken care of by Discord," I gave her a roguish grin, "I thought that perhaps the one pony in Equestria with experience shaping worlds might be persuaded to turn the menace's own game against him."

She arced a perfectly sculpted eyebrow almost Vulcanly, "and how mightest we do this?"

My grin turned positively feral, "my dear, we use my knowledge of cartoons to turn his world so far of kilter he'll be in no state to bother the Element Bearers."

"Pray tell," she said, tilting her head cutely, "what are cartoons?"

By the time I'm done she's giggling uncontrollably, oh Discord... He'll have nightmares to the tune of 'The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down' soon.

Author's Note

I understand the first part might seem odd but it's meant to be a voice-over narration.

Raising The Curtain

Raising The Curtain

"Good Luck Everpony!" Discord crowed, then disappeared with a flash, waiting until the six mares had entered the soundproofed maze then flashed back.

He looked at the spot the ponies had just left and flicked his claw.

In a flash, five more Discords floated in front of him.

"You all know the plan?" he queried, feeling tugs of amusement and anticipation from the five new parts of his consciousness.

"We do, and it will be Gloriously Chaotic!" they crowed, then proceeded to deliver increasingly silly salutes and flashed off.

"I love it when a plan comes together," Discord sighed, faux wistfully, he then looked up to a window he knew lead to the Throneroom and spied a flash of multi-coloured hair.

"Oh poor Celestia," he sighed, then cackled, "you thought it was bad before? Now you've got me in Stereo!"

He whirled his paw and flicked, there was the momentary familiar vertigo when he felt himself wrenched sideways...

He'd just saluted Discord Prime and flashed away when he felt a jerk and found himself going upways and down ways, longways and shortways, inways and outways...

Thump!

And he face planted into a costume trunk.

"Costume trunk?" Discord murmured as his eyes stopped rolling on the floor and he popped them back in, then glanced around, "I'm in a theatre?" He closed the lid and plopped himself on the trunk.

Curious, noponies ever interrupted his flash travel before, he didn't even know it was possible...

"Discord!"

His head whipped round at the sound to reveal a small pony that looked much like Sparkle butt's assistant... but ponified.

"Oh thank Celestia, I've been looking all over for you," the purple and green unicorn gasped out, "There's a crisis!"

"What Crisis?" Discord wondered as memories that were his yet not filtered into his brain, he was a veteran actor turned costume supervisor and general handyman really.

A piercing Shriek left him near the rafters clutching the pony for dear life.

He shuffled back with Spike, Spakle butt's former/current/future? assistant and the MC of the theatre, one Hermit Frog.

"Nyehh! What set Rarity off this time?" Hermit asked as Rarity trotted past towards a gofer that tried to bribe her with cake.

Splut

Discord winced, Celly would mourn that cake.

"I'm not sure, I was just going over her schedule when she went quiet."

"What's wrong with the schedule?" Hermit asked.

They froze solid as Rarity trotted past, then a costume designer flew into the laundry basket on the other side of the room.

"I don't know, I hoofed it before she could get me," the colt said caught between fear and lust as he watched the white unicorn mare storm through the theatre, Discord had to admit it was a most captivating yet terrifying display.

A lot like when Celly used to chase him after he pranked her now he though about it.

"Definitely some Platinum blood there," Discord murmured, then turned to the MC who had just spoken, "I didn't catch that?"

"I said do you think she's discovered her dress size?" the dark green coated and light green maned Earth pony asked.

"Please, I've woven such a web of lies she doesn't know her dress size, her weight or even how old she is," Discord drawled.

Not to say the mare was fat, in fact she was at the upper end of average, but her figure was... plusher then most, and thus she was sensitive about her figure.

Do. Not. Call. Her. MarshMallow.

An orange Pegasus filly who was another of the gofer's slid to a stop in front of them.

"Scooter, are you alright?" Hermit asked.

"Did you find out what set Rarity off?" Spike pressed.

"Ow," the filly rolled onto her stomach to show her wings bent in a manner they weren't supposed to but thankfully not broken.

Unthinkingly Discord reached forward and popped the wings back into place, wincing at the yelps coming from the filly.

He might be Chaos incarnate but he wasn't a monster, contrary to Celly's beliefs he did have standards, he help off of permanent damage and left children alone altogether.

"Thanks," the filly gasped, blinking the tears out of her eyes, "she couldn't find her element, she won't go on stage without it"

"She's the next act!" Spike gasped.

"It's fine, we just swap Trixie for..." he trailed off as Bunsen and Beaker walked past with a light blue pony on a stretcher wearing a hat that covered her face with chocolate, icing and mushy peas leaking down the sides, "oh come On! That's two acts we just lost."

"What about Gonzo?"

A Blue furred something with a big nose was carried past with what looked like the contents of the Gentlecolts locker room sock basket jammed in his mouth.

"There goes that plan," Scooter... (She turned to glare at the audience) sorry, Scootaloo, quipped.

"Wait, Discord's been entertaining for longer than all of us right? He can step in!" Spike suggested excitedly.

Hermit looked at Discord, "I don't know, Gonzo's act isn't for the faint hearted."

"Come on, He's been doing this so long there's nothing he hasn't seen or done!" Spike countered.

Discord preened at the praise.

"I'll be having words with that colt," Discord muttered as he took another step.

Gonzo had planned to recite the twelve times tables...

On a tight rope...

Twenty hoofs above the stage...

Holding a one ton weight in his left hoof.

"There's chaos and there's stupidity," Discord murmured as he stepped further along, finally stopping in the right spot and sitting down on the rope.

He opened his mouth to address the audience and stopped, he looked up at the weight in his claw then at the wire, "how did I do that?"

A cough from Hermit brought his attention back, "Mares and Gentlecolts, I Will Now Recite The Twelve Times Table For You, While Suspended Above The Stage And Holding This One Ton Weight Over My Head!" He Announced.

"One Times Twelve Is Twelve..."

"Two Time Twelve Is Twenty Four..."

"Three Times Twelve Is Thirty Six..."

Getting harder to hold this weight, "Four Times Twelve Is Forty Eight..."

A delighted squeal and the light pounding of manicured hoofs distracts him, he glances over to see that mare has found her Blasted Element.

"Five time Twelve is Sixty Four... wait, no it isn't," he lets go of the weight and starts counting on his fingers, "Twelve, twenty four, thirty six, forty eight..."

"Errr... Discord?"

"Yes?" he looked to see Spike tap his hooves together, point at his claw and paw and then above him.

A shiver visibly went down his back, he looked down to his paw and claw and flexed them.

"If my hands are here, then what's holding up the..." he trailed as his body went cold.

His gaze inched slowly upwards until it locked on the underside of the two thousand Ib weight, sitting right above him unsupported.

"Mummy..."

CRASH!

Spam And Grannies

Author's Note

Warning: This Chapter contains Griffons dressed as Vikings, Spam and SoarinDash.

Spam And Grannies

He'd just flashed away from Discord Prime and arrived...

Not where he was supposed to be.

Discord craned his neck but found himself scratching his antler.

"Where in Equestria am I?" he wondered, something was very wrong.

He watched as a pair of stallions, dressed in a fashion he would associate with Bucklyn toughs, hurried along, casting furtive glances in all directions and clearly looking to avoid attention rather than with the Alpha Tough mentality one would associate with such specimens of stallionhood.

"What in Aunties' name is going on?" Discord wondered, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye but dismissed it as a glance only showed a quartet of old grannies, he then spotted a phone box, "now there's a thought."

He glided over and entered the box, pulled a sixpence out of his personal hammerspace and put it in the slot as he lifted the receiver, "hello, Operator? Ponyville-24267 please?"

There was a banging on the door, "Wait your turn, I'll only be a minute."

"Hello, is that you Discord?"

"Prime? It's Discord, I'm a bit lost," Discord said sheepishly.

"You're supposed to be in Canterlot, or at worst Ponyville... How did you end up in Fillydelphia?" Discord Prime asked incredulously.

"I just landed here, I don't know why..." he looked over his shoulder as the door was forced open, "do you..."

Clang!

"Discord? What's Happening? Dis..."

Discord felt hooves wrench him out of the phone box as stars filled his sight from the preceding handbag between his horn and antler.

He forced himself free and drew himself to his full and terrible height, only to pause as he recognised his attackers as the grannies he'd seen earlier. Big Mistake.

A second handbag sung up between his legs and his body locked in Pure Male Agony as the contents of his happy sack suddenly shot into his body to snap back like balls on elastic string and rebound off the iron horseshoe in the handbag still lodged between his thighs.

There wasn't time for a repeat as a second handbag impacted his face, sending him to the floor, followed by another, and another and another...

Once it stopped Discord could barely comprehend anything but pain, only vaguely aware of the grannies reaching into his pocket space and pinching everything they could sit into the phone box, now on it's side, before closing the door, lifting it on their shoulders and trotting off, cackling like witches.

He had no idea what was going on, one second he was in the mess hall listening to a VD lecture from Spitfire when he was suddenly flank over fetlock in the dustbins behind the Fields Evening Club in Filly.

How did he know? He got chucked out last time he was on leave when Comet Chaser had a cognac too many and tried to flirt with the lounge signer, Temptation.

Emphasis on Tried.

One thing he noted was how subdued Barbell and Track Ballast, two local 'Tough Stallions' were, another was an odd creature lying in the street that had clearly gone a few rounds with Blackened Deck, the local boxing champion.

He stopped to peer at the creature, it looked oddly like one of the statues in the garden of the Canterlot Palace.

A scream from ahead split the night and he took to the air to get there faster.

As he reached the end of the road he saw a gang of... grannies, cackling loudly as they ran back the way he came, turning the corner his breath caught in his throat.

Below was a young Pegasus mare, her tail and short cut mane a riot of colour, her slender, toned form a warm cyan.

And she was lying in a pile of her own feathers.

He glided down and dropped next to her, he lowered his head, "Hello?" the mare shied away, "Hey, it's ok. I'm not going to hurt you."

He gently wrapped his right foreleg around her barrel and took her left hoof in his, "Now, where does it hurt?"

"M-m-my W-wings!" She said, trying hard not to sob, "They -p-plucked my w-wings."

He glanced at her wings, bare with blood starting to seep out where the stems of her feathers normally sat, a look around revealed a café nearby that was, strangely, still open.

"There's a café just over there," he told the mare, "we're going to get you up, into the café and see about bandaging those wings, ok?"

The mare nodded, bit her lip and stood up, it took several minutes and some gentle coaxing but they were in the café and he had just finished bandaging her wings.

"There, all done," he said, smiling as he put away the first aid kit the waitress had given him, "how do they feel?"

The mare flexed her wings with only the slightest wince, "They feel better, thanks," she then turned and sat down properly, "You're pretty good at this."

He blushed lightly, "well, I kinda have to be, given my job and my... well, I'm a bit clumsy when I'm flying."

"Really?" the mare coked her head, "oh, I'm Rainbow Dash, The..."

"Fastest Flyer in Equestria," he filled in with a smile, "I was at the Young Flier Competition, I saw you do the Rainboom, "name's Soarin by the way."

"You were there?" Rainbow repeated skeptically, "I don't think so, I'd remember seeing a cute guy like you."

He had to fight his blush this time, "well, I was in uniform at the time and I was knocked out by that unicorn after her wing spell failed."

Rainbow stared uncomprehendingly for a second, then squeaked "You're A Wonderbolt?"

He couldn't help but laugh, that squeak was just too cute, "I get that a lot, there's a reason modern uniforms only show the muzzle, mane and tail."

"But how can you be a clutz, you're a Wonderbolt?" Rainbow accused.

Soarin rubbed his neck sheepishly, "well, I get what the Boers call tunnel vision, it means I tend to focus in on one thing while I'm flying while blocking everything else out."

"You're pulling my hoof," Rainbow protested, Soarin gathered from her expression something similar happened to her.

"Eeyup," he confirmed, grinning as her jaw dropped, "see, I get so focused on my flying I lose track of the environment."

He started rubbing his hoof in a circle on the table, "one time my section were providing aerial escort to a troop train coming back from Stalliongrad and I decided to show off."

He leaned back and placed one hoof on the table and the other he held above it, "see, I decide to do a wing roll over the train, simple enough and it starts fine," he mimes his flight path with his hoof, "The problem was I was so focused on my flying I didn't notice the train reach a bend in the tracks," he mimes the train turning into his flight path, "so as I straighten up i fly head first into a thirty ton tender, somersault over the coal rails and end up buried to my flank in the coal..."

He couldn't resist a chuckle as Rainbow rolled around on the floor holding her sides, her laugh music to his ears, "it took four of them to dig me out."

Eventually her chuckles subsided and she rolled upright, she looked at him and he found himself lost in her beautiful cerise eyes.

She tapped him on the chest, breaking the spell, "hey, I don't just kiss random colts, no matter how cute, buy me dinner first," she joked.

He just chuckled, "may we have the menu please, waitress?"

Her jaw dropped, "you know i was joking?"

"Well, why not?" he shrugged, "it's obvious we get on well, maybe even like each other, so why not give it a try and see how we go from there?"

Rainbow blushed and looked away as the waitress came over, "ok, but no mushy stuff."

He chuckled as the waitress opened her copy of the menu.

"What would you like?" the waitress asked, "we've got Egg and hay bacon,
Egg, sausage and hay bacon,
Egg and Spam,
Egg, hay bacon and Spam,
Egg, hay bacon, sausage and Spam,
Spam, hay bacon, sausage, baked beans and Spam,
Spam, egg, Spam, baked beans, Spam, hay bacon and Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam,
And Spam."

"What's spam?" Rainbow asked.

"It's a processed food Griffin's make," Soarin hastily covered.

Suddenly a group of Viking Griffins starts chanting "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, SPAM..."

He looks away as the waitress tries to calm them, he notices something Rainbow's holding, "what's that?"

Rainbow clutches the item, "um... it's granny Smith's purse."

"Isn't that an apple brand from Dodge?" Soarin asks, scrunching his muzzle.

"It's also my best friend's grandmother," Rainbow said sheepishly.

"You Stole It!" Soarin accused.

"I'm the bearer of the Element of Loyalty!" Rainbow defended, "When Discord broke lose he stole the Elements and my friends and I had to find them, when we entered the maze it felt like the world fell out from under me, then i hit the floor and my Element bounced off my nose."

"Then those grannies mugged me," the exuberance drained out of her and she plopped on her flank, "I tried to get it back and it took everything i had not to let go when they..."

He winced as her wings gave a futile flutter, "ok, I'm sorry."

"Are you ready to order?" the waitress coughed impatiently.

"Egg and hay bacon," Soarin ordered, then looked at Rainbow.

"Egg, hay bacon and veggie sausage," Rainbow ordered.

"What else for a pony, dear?" the waitress muttered sarcastically, then headed back.

"Well, is it in there?" he asked.

Rainbow opened the purse and tipped it, a bright blue gem fell into her hoof.

"I don't believe it?" she gasped.

There was a roar of motorcycle engines, a squeal of tires, a yelp, engines revving, then the squeal of bikes roaring away at high speed.

He turned back to Rainbow, who was closing the purse when the door slammed open.

There, with a tire track down his body, was Discord, he braced himself against the door frame.

"Is there... a... doctor.. in the.." his laboured breathing ceased as his eyes settled on the gem in Rainbow's hoof.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" he roared and, forgetting his injuries, lunged at Rainbow.

"BUCK. OFF!" Soarin Roared, taking flight he shot forward with a powerful sweep of his wings pivoting mid air he slammed his hind hoofs into Discord's chest with enough force to punch through a half inch thick steel plate.

Discord was thrown onto the table where the Vikings were dining, the vikings jumped from their seats as the table was upended and over a dozen plates of spam and other stuff were tossed into the air and came down over the Draconequus sprawled over the table.

He climbed upright, wiping spam from his eyes and muzzle but found himself faced with a dozen Angry Vikings.

"Um.. nice vikings," Discord said placatingly, he gulped loudly as the angry Vikings drew weapons including, axes, swords and an egg whisk.

He'd just made it to the door when Rainbow called out to him, "Hey Discord? Catch!"

Discord reacted and caught the object thrown at him, before he could look it over the Vikings charged.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"

Discord was instantly through the door but froze just outside.

"That's Mah Purse! Git Tha Varmint!"

"MUMMY!"

Soarin just hovered as the Vikings charged out after Discord, who in turn was running from the Grannies who roared past on their Motorcycles.

"You know?" he said to Rainbow as the waitress brought their food, "I almost feel sorry for him," then as he sat down at the table to eat his eyes caught Rainbows wings.

"Almost."