Rarity Sips Tea

by Super Trampoline

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 1506

Rainbow Dash thinks she's a ukulele, Super Trampoline doesn't think he's funny, and Rarity thinks she's summoning monsters from the Horseshoe Bay Resort and Casino kitchen pantry. The third entry in an increasingly stupid series

Rainbow Dash thinks she's a ukulele, Super Trampoline thinks at least three people will like this story despite how stupid it is (and he's probably right), Rarity thinks loud sipping will bring about the end times, and someone on the Charmin twitter team thinks corporate will let their puns pass, but that has nothing to do with this story.

However, guitar picks do have something to do with Bob Ross, as you will find out if you read this story.

The third entry in an increasingly stupid series, the second of which I didn't even finish yet.

Published 2018-02-13 03:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-13 03:00:06 UTC

A Hole Knew Chapter

"Hey, Fluttershy," Rarity said, as they sat in their weekly spa, talking about stuff, except it was mostly Rarity talking because Fluttershy is literally the only pony nice enough or maybe doormattish enough to let her prattle on and on and on and on about random crap.

"Yes, Rarity," Fluttershy replied, secretly receiving a crotch massage from that one fish that cleans the mouths of other fish, because this story being rated Teen, I can throw in completely saucy extraneous details like that one and no one can stop me except my mom yelling at me that she's disappointed I did get anything done but she's at a doctor's office right now.

"Let me offer you a piece of advice"

"Okay, I'll let you." Fluttershy, I might add, was wearing a coating of water-proof something on her fur. I don't even know what. There are like a ton of things you could coat skin with, but the fact that she is a horse and thus has fur makes things a little more complicated. After all, part of why animals die after an oil spill is because the oil coats their fur and feathers and removes their insulating properties or something I'm not really sure; that might only apply to sea otters. Fluttershy would probably know. Anyway she was coated in some waterproof substance because she was afraid she might melt otherwise. See, she recently had discovered she was a candy pony. This is a callback to the first story in this shamefully stupid series, creating the illusion of narrative cohesion. Maybe I'll thread all these plots together in the finale, Pinkie Pie holds a Mad T Party, but I wouldn't count on it. Fluttershy didn't want to dissolve in the water, despite the fact that she hadn't been dissolving in the water for the previous 23-or-so-depending-on-headcanon years of her life on account of having a normal layer of protective skin, but she decided to be on the safe side, because you never know the water could be super acidic or super basic or super scalding or something. Of course, Rarity would probably be writhing in agony were that to be the case, but on the other hoof, maybe it was in fact the case and Rarity was just a robot like her sister. Not that robots function very well in water either. However, what should have settled the matter permanently was the fact that the wrasse (some research confirms that is in fact the type of fish I am talking about, although not the only one) currently doing things to Fluttershy's snatch that I can't describe in more detail without bumping up the rating of this story although that would make for a creative clopfic was doing quite fine in the water and if the water was indeed inhospitable to general animal life, this would not have been the case.

"Don't ever give Twilight Sparkle Vyvanse and the Alicorn Amulet at the same time."

"Oh," Fluttershy replied. "Why would you ever give her either of those things? She's terrifying enough sober."

"It's a long story," Rarity replied between sips of her tea she had brought into the spa.

"I've got time," Flutter replied, her cheeks slightly flushed. "I've also got a fish."

"I can see that. Anyway, let me tell you the story of why you shouldn't give Twilight Sparkle a pharmaceutical ADHD and weight-loss drug, and an artifact of considerable danger at the same time. It all started long ago, that is to say, thirty-seven hours ago."

"Okay, I'll let you."

Thirty seven hours ago, it was a different, simpler time. The scary portal to between Earth and Equestria hadn't opened yet. This story hadn't been finished yet. Bob Ross wasn't dead yet.

"Don't you see, Rarity," Twilight said, proudly, "because I am the most powerful creature in local existance, I can literally bend reality to my will. I can declare that green is now blue, and all who challenge such declaration I shall randomly either torture until they say otherwise or kill, and I will choose which ponies to do which with at random, and soon no pony shall dare challenge my declaration. I'll make really petty changes with rather minimal effects to reality as well, like declaring prepositions can go above all in parts of a sentence where while technically they make sense, they are kind of akward. An example of this would be 'There is a dragon with gold teeth that wants to eat cheese burgers because his mother abandoned him in that cave over there.' In this example, what's akward is that 'in that cave over there' has been rendered ambiguous by moving it to the end of the sentence. Because I've declared prepositions no longer have to follow the rules of making as much sense as possible, we are unsure whether the dragon is in that cave over there now, or whether his mother abandoned him there some time ago. Such is the havoc I'll reak. As I was saying earlier before I distracted myself with prepositions, and whether 'to' even is a prepositional phrase, I'll make lots of stupid rules like that. I'll also ban Tuesday."

~~Can Super Trampoline talk on the phone with fellow fanfiction author Phoenix Quill and write a crappy story at the same time? Who knows. Let's find out.~~ So anyway, Twilight had gone a touch bit mad in the ol' cranium. Why had she gone mad? Prescription medication of course. As Tree Hugger would gladly relate, smoke a harmless herb and you're a pariah, but load up on weird pills and magic supplements and you're a patriotic supporter of capitalism, because of course any hamfisted transfer of a political situation in America over to Equestria must be perfectly valid. This is my story after all. So anyway, Twilight had some pills with a bad effect on her but i can't really remember what that effect was because I started writing this story several months ago. The point is, they made her crazy. ~~Shoot I don't really know where I was going with this subplot. Of course, this being a teen-rated story, I can say "shit" instead of "shoot". Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit! By the way I got off the phone with Phoenix a while ago.~~

So Twilight was doing stupid crazy stuff and also apparently got the Alicorn Amulet somehow. ~~I'm not even sure how, because I forget what happened at the end of the second trixie episode. Is that one "Magic Duel", or is that the first Trixie episode? I can't even remember.~~ Let's just say Twilight stole it from where ever it was hanging out, because let's be honest, Twilight's a freaking princess; all she has to do is ask and she can get in anywhere she wants. It sure would be a shame were she to abuse this power. Like she does in this story.

So anyway Twilight decided to demonstrate her new powers and madness by going to the human world and killing a universally-loved person. Bob Ross seemed like an ideal candidate, but he was dead unfortunately. Twilight fortunately or unfortunately depending on your point of view had some crazy powers now though so she raised him from the dead, causing many Christians and Jews to believe she was the messiah come back to earth. Now there's a can of worms. But then she snapped his spine in half halfway through his latest painting, like one would snap a guitar pick. Ouch.

"Thankfully, when she came back to Equestria, we were waiting for her with a bunch of ketamine in tranquilizer darts and we sent her reeling into a k-hole mighty quickly. The whole experience was mighty stressful for all of us, which is why I booked an hour massage instead of half-an-hour this morning."

Fluttershy looked on, drained from 17 wrasse fish-induced orgasms. "Wow, that was a weird story, Rarity. I suppose I ought to tell you about the time I stole the alicorn amulet." She winked.

The End

or is it?

Author's Note

The truth is that this story is a test to see if FanofMostEverything will read everything I write no matter how stupid it is. I hope he doesn't because my Goddess this story is stupid. I'm literally only writing it so that my next story, "Lesbian Horse Sex", is my 69th story. Actually that's not true I'm actually writing it because writing something is better than writing nothing. Had I not written this, some other story would have been story number 68 instead.

Also

"One more thing," Rarity added, sipping rare "eh" tea. "Twilight also abused her powers by making Jake Shimabukuro strum Rainbow Dash like a Ukulele. Fortunately, Rainbow really likes human belly rubs."

Author's Note

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