Rainbow Dash's eyes widened. She nearly dropped her phone. "S-say that again?" she said.
"I've got crabs," Sunset Shimmer said morosely on the other end of the line.
"Oh. Um. Ouch?"
"Yeah. It's...it's pretty bad." There was a pause. "So yeah, tell the girls I'm not coming to school today. I've gotta deal with this."
"No kidding. Umm...that totally sucks. Good luck with that." Rainbow disconnected the call and shook her head, shoving her phone back in her pocket.
The rest of the Rainbooms, plus Twilight Sparkle, looked at her expectantly from where they all stood on the front steps of Canterlot High School. "Well?" Pinkie Pie asked.
Rainbow looked around, then leaned in close, beckoning the girls closer. Once they'd gathered in a huddle, she said, "Sunset's got crabs."
There was a long pause.
"I'm sorry, I don't think I heard that quite right," Rarity said.
"Crabs," Rainbow repeated. "Y'know...crabs."
Another pause followed.
"EWWW!" Pinkie said, pulling away in horror.
"Oh my," Fluttershy whispered, covering her mouth with her hand.
"Okay, that's...kinda way more info than Ah needed," Applejack said with a grimace. "Ah mean, if she can't come t' school fer, y'know...good reasons...that's one thing, but that's th' kinda thing Ah really don't need t' know about."
"Actually, it's absolutely the kind of thing we needed to know about," Twilight said, adjusting her glasses. "Rainbow Dash, didn't you borrow a set of pajamas from her the other night? And didn't we all use her towels when we slept over at her apartment?"
"Oh my god I was on her bed!" Pinkie exclaimed, eyes wide in horror. "Nevermind the crabs, what if I was wallowing in stuff! Oh, ew, ew, ew...I need a blacklight! Does anybody have a blacklight?!"
"Pinkie! Calm down," Fluttershy said.
"Can't! Calm down! Starting! To itch!" Pinkie said, clawing through her hair with her fingers and squirming in place.
"I got this," Rainbow said. She reached into Pinkie's hair, pulled out a cupcake, and shoved it into Pinkie's mouth.
Pinkie stopped squirming and clawing. "Mmm!" she moaned through the cake and frosting, chewing noisily. She swallowed, then seemed to melt in place. "Aaaah..."
"You good?" Rainbow asked.
"Yeeeeahhh..." Pinkie shook herself. "Oh my gosh! We need to do something! Poor Sunset..."
Rarity coughed. "I believe this, ah...situation...is best left to a medical professional. And spoken of as little as possible." She glanced at her phone. "Now, I believe we should all get to class before the tardy bell."
"I wonder who she got 'em from?" Rainbow said as the six girls walked up the steps into the building.
"Hey, what if she got 'em from one of us?!" Pinkie gasped.
Applejack slapped her upside the head. "Ah'm pretty sure that ain't th' case," she said.
Out of view at the base of the steps, Snips and Snails rose from behind a bush, the cigarettes they'd been smoking long forgotten and burned to ash clear to the filter. They gave each other a devilish smirk...
* * * * *
"Well, I just got off the phone with Sunset Shimmer," Celestia said as Luna walked into her office. She pulled up Sunset's schedule on her computer, then began texting all her teachers. "She's going to be absent today."
"She's not ill, I hope?" Luna asked.
Celestia chewed the inside of her cheek. "Well, she seems to be the latest victim of teenage stupidity," she said.
Luna gasped. "She's not...pregnant?"
Celestia shook her head. "Nothing that severe. Just a little case of, well..." She chuckled. "Crabs."
"Gah," Luna said, her face pale. "Well, that's unfortunate. But easily dealt with, if attended to in a timely manner. I remember when you had crabs—"
Celestia glared at her. "And I remember the time you quee—"
"SO! I should start my rounds now," Luna said loudly, clapping her hands with the force of a gunshot. She hurried out of Celestia's office, slamming the door behind her.
Celestia smirked.
The intercom light on her desk phone blinked silently, long since forgotten.
* * * * *
"Ha! Trixie knew Sunset Shimmer was that kind of girl!"
"She wasn't back when we worked for her, eh."
"Yeah, we tried so hard to get into her pants, too."
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?"
The boys looked at each other and shrugged. "Why else would we put up with her crap for so long?"
"Because you're idiots?"
Snails scratched his head. "Uhh...good point," he said.
"Can't argue with that," Snips agreed.
Trixie snorted. "In any case, this is news the Great and Powerful TRRRRRRIXIE simply MUST share with the entire school..."
* * * * *
"Dude, did you hear?"
"Hear what?"
"About, y'know...Sunset. And her, y'know...crabs."
Flash Sentry's guitar made a *skrunk!* sound. "Wait, what?"
"It's true!"
"We heard it from a reliable source."
"Dude, you should totally get checked. Y'know, just in case."
Flash frowned. "I broke up with Sunset over a year ago," he said. "And we never even did that." He shook his head. "I don't buy it. She's probably just out with a cold or something."
"Yeah, a butt cold."
"That isn't even where—do you even pay any attention in health class?"
* * * * *
"So which one do you think she got 'em from?" Bon Bon asked.
Lyra looked over the Rainbooms at their table in the cafeteria, a potato chip halfway to her lips. "Hmm...probably Rainbow Dash."
"I bet it was Twilight."
Lyra shook her head. "Nah, she's too..." She chewed on her potato chip. "I bet it takes every bit of willpower she has to even take her panties off to shower."
Bon Bon shrugged. "You never know. I mean, it's always the quiet ones." She perked up. "Hey! Maybe it was Fluttershy!"
"Nah, she's not gay," Lyra said dismissively. "I can tell."
"You can tell."
"Totally."
"Hmm. Yeah, it was probably Rainbow Dash."
* * * * *
"I knew it! I always knew that girl was dirty!"
"She's certainly shown her true colors now!"
"Umm...you know, it's not really a good idea for teachers to talk about their students this way."
"Yeah. Besides, Sunset Shimmer's done nothing but help this school ever since the Fall Formal. She saved the world! And she's, well—"
"And just because a girl catches a, you know, thing, it doesn't mean she's bad. I mean, kids do things, y'know? Even good kids."
"You're right. We shouldn't..."
"You know, my best friend had the clap once. And she was an honor student."
"So who's Sunset, y'know—?"
"Ladies, we shouldn't really gossip about our students..."
* * * * *
"Ten bucks says it was Fluttershy," Celestia said.
Luna narrowed her eyes. "You're on," she said. "I'm certain it's Applejack."
A long pause.
"Is this our life now?" Celestia asked. "Seriously, is this it?"
Luna slumped forward onto Celestia's desk, burying her face in her folded arms. "We need to get laid."
* * * * *
The Rainbooms and Twilight Sparkle stood on the landing outside Sunset Shimmer's apartment. They looked at one another awkwardly.
"So what do we even say to her?" Applejack asked.
"I have no idea," Rarity said. She frowned. "When she hears the entire school is talking about her, ahem, problem..."
"She's gonna kill us," Pinkie moaned, her hair defrizzing.
"It's not our fault," Twilight said nervously. "She-she'll understand that, right? It's...it's not our fault."
"I don't think she'll see it that way," Fluttershy whispered. "She's going to be so humiliated..."
Rainbow Dash sighed. "Well...we'd better get this over with." Taking a deep breath, she walked up to the door and rang the bell. The other girls huddled behind her, trying to hide behind her like a cartoon character hiding behind a skinny tree.
After a long wait, the door locks clicked, and the door swung open. Sunset Shimmer stood inside, wearing the heaviest track suit she owned, her old flame-pattern boots, and a thoroughly miserable expression. Her face and hands were covered with angry red welts. A blue crab was perched atop her head.
Several small land crabs scuttled out onto the landing.
"Hey guys," she said listlessly. She brushed a crab off her butt; it bounced on its shell, flipped over, and snapped its claws angrily.
The girls looked past Sunset Shimmer.
Her apartment was infested with crabs.
Rock crabs, blue crabs, red crabs, snow crabs, spider crabs, fiddler crabs...crabs of every shape, size, and species. Freshwater crabs, ocean crabs, land crabs. Every inch of the floor, every sitting surface, every counter, desk, and table.
As they stared, a giant coconut crab crawled over Sunset's coffee table.
"What. The. HELL?!" Rainbow cried, jaw dropping.
Sunset flicked the crab off her head with an annoyed grunt. "I told you before, I've got crabs," she said. She glanced back into her apartment and sighed tiredly. "Lots of crabs."
The girls blinked. "Oh," Fluttershy said. She blushed. "Umm...we thought..."
Rarity pulled her phone out of her purse and took several pictures of the inside of Sunset's apartment, then recorded a video of the coconut crab locked in combat with an Alaskan king crab over Sunset's TV remote.
Twilight adjusted her glasses. "One question," she said, raising a slim purple finger. "HOW?!"
Sunset blew upward on her hair and kicked a rock crab off the landing, eliciting a gasp and a reproachful stare from Fluttershy. "FedEx," she said simply.
Author's Note
Slapped this together in about an hour to cheer myself up.
Because I was feeling crabby.
