Stephen Colbert Saves Equestria
Prologue: A Bear of a Problem
“And that’s our show, ladies and gentlemen! Thank you all for watching!” Stephen was met with the familiar, deafening applause of the audience as he rose from his swivel chair and took an exaggerated bow. The cheers only continued as he left the stage, and he could still hear his fans as he entered the backstage area. He was met with the faces of the stage crew and technicians, each of them wearing a huge grin as they congratulated him on another outstanding show.
“Good job, Steve! You really had them in the palm of your hand!”
“Nice segment on the poisoned cheese doodles!”
Stephen’s face reflected theirs as he slapped their outstretched hands. Congratulations were flung through the air like confetti as he parted the techie sea and walked towards his dressing room, his name spelled out above the polished wooden door. He pushed his way in and closed the door. His dressing room contained all the normal possessions one would imagine to find in Stephen Colbert’s dressing room: The room length mirror allowed ample space for him to perfect his luxurious hair, the bear skin rug and chair, both made from bears that he had personally ended with his bare hands, gave the room that special touch of Colbertness, and the life sized portrait of Steve riding his prized pet eagle on the opposite side of the room. Yes, it was all rather quaint, and it served him well. He picked up a book from the mirror’s counter and fell into the chair, carefully avoiding the claws that protruded out on the armrests.
He had just begun to read when he felt a strange tingling sensation in his lower body, causing him to look down at his legs. He raised an eyebrow as he saw that they were currently enveloped with a glowing white energy, energy that was quickly travelling up his body. Stephen calmly put his book down and waited for the energy to take effect. Obviously, this was some sort of magic spell, which must have meant that someone, somewhere, needed his help. A common and obvious solution to people’s problems, and Stephen was more than happy to help out whatever poor soul needed him. He felt the magic travel up into his torso and eventually make its way into his head. In a blinding flash, Stephen Colbert was whisked away from his comfortable dressing room, headed for the unknown reaches of the universe, and perhaps even the multiverse.
*********
“Concentrate, Twilight!” Princess Celestia shouted, both her and her student’s horns ablaze with the respective colors of their magic. The duo stood inside a large white tent with a grassy bottom, and they were currently focused on a singular point on the ground. Various books and scrolls littered the interior of the tent, their pages open to spells of teleportation that dealt with extra dimensional travel. The spot that the two were focusing their magic on began to pulsate with energy, and a second later, the form of a bipedal creature could be seen as the energy began to take shape. The energy slowly gave way to reveal the strange animal. It was wearing a black suit and a white undershirt, and around its neck hung a loosened red tie. Its shoes shone with the intensity of a thousand suns, but even they couldn’t compare with the perfection that was the animal’s dark, manicured hair. It ran a hand through its shimmering hair and adjusted its glasses as it stared at the two ponies that had just transported it into the tent. The ponies gawked at the strange animal, but it didn’t seem to share their amazement. It gave them a warm smile and introduced itself.
“Pleasure to meet you!” it said with an outstretched hand. “My name is Stephen Colbert, roguishly handsome newscaster and freedom warrior of America.” Princess Celestia let him take her hoof in a greeting, too shocked to do anything else. This mystifying creature, though friendly, wasn’t what she had in mind when she and Twilight had cast their spell.
Stephen’s eyes narrowed as he looked at the two strange horses staring at him, then smiled brightly as recognition struck. “Hold on, I think I know who you are!” Twilight and Celestia shared a baffled look before turning back to Stephen, who was now visibly giddy. “You’re Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia, aren’t you?”
Their mouths dropped as he eagerly awaited a response. Celestia was the first to recover as she addressed the strange being. “Uh… yes, that’s correct. I am Princess Celestia, and this,” she pointed a hoof towards Twilight, “is my student, Twilight Sparkle.” Stephen’s grin only grew wider as Celestia spoke, which she found just a bit disconcerting. “My apologies, but I do not know what you are.”
“Oh, that’s easy!” Stephen burst into a triumphant pose, putting his balled up fists on either side of his hips and looking to the sky with a face that would no doubt inspire confidence in all who gazed upon it. “I am a human, part of the dominant race of Earth, defender of all things holy and protector of the innocent!” His hair, inexplicably blown back by nothing, was a display that put Celestia’s mane to shame. If a picture was worth a thousand words, his portrait right now would be worth the entire English language.
The ponies weren’t very impressed. “Uh huh…” Twilight said, looking to the princess with confusion. If this was some sort of spell, it wasn’t having any discernible effect. “Okay. Mr. Colbert, was it? You’re a human?”
“You bet your purple flank I am.”
Twilight, a hint of red on her cheeks, motioned Celestia over to a spot in the corner. The two conversed in secrecy while Steve waited patiently. “Princess, what’s a human?”
“He reminds me of an ape, though taller and less hairy.” Celestia risked a glance at him. He waved with a smile at her. She forced a small smile back before quickly returning to Twilight. “Whatever he is, the spell must have gone wrong.”
“But how?” Twilight reached for a discarded book and flipped through it. “We checked and rechecked all our calculations. There couldn’t have been a mistake!”
“Excuse me?” Twilight and Celestia bumped heads while turning around. They rubbed the throbbing pain in their heads as Stephen spoke. “I couldn’t help but overhear your little problem. If there’s anything you need help with,” he struck another pose, similar to the one before, “then you’ve called upon the right man for the job!”
The pose only elicited blank stares from the ponies. Somewhat deflated, Stephen looked around the inside of the tent, eventually coming upon one of the numerous scrolls that decorated the ground. “Hmm,” he muttered, reaching for it. “I assume you were trying to teleport something to your world, but by your looks, I’m guessing I’m not what you were expecting.”
Celestia approached, no longer wary of him. He had taken no hostile actions against them, and he seemed perceptive enough to converse with, even if he was a little overly excited about the whole situation. “That is surprisingly correct, Mr. Colbert.”
“Please, call me Steve. Mr. Colbert was my father.”
“As you wish, Steve.” Celestia moved closer, intrigued by the human. “I must ask, how do you know so much about us? I am certain we have never met.”
Even though he knew this was coming, it still wouldn’t be easy for Stephen to explain. “It’s a complicated story, princess. You see, back on Earth, there’s a show about all of you.” He spoke slowly, so as to not confuse the ponies. “It’s a great show, and I have to admit, I’m a huge fan of it.” Celestia was staring at him with vacant eyes, causing Steve to sigh. “Just think of it all as magic, and I’m sure it’ll make sense. Magic explains most of the stuff in your universe anyways, right?”
Twilight, who had been withdrawn from the two, cautiously stepped up to the princess’ side. “You seem to be taking this very well.” She was examining his dark outfit as she talked, wanting to learn everything about him, albeit from a safe distance.
Steve gave her a hearty chuckle. “Oh, this kind of stuff happens all the time. I’ve gotten used to it by now.”
His response only served to further puzzle Twilight, but she decided that it would be best to ignore it for now. There were other, more pressing matters at hoof. Or hand, in his case. “Well, the reason you’re here is because Equestria is in a state of panic.” Steve, who had up to this point been a cheerful person, suddenly turned serious, his full attention on Twilight. He had a concerned expression as she continued. “You see, we’re in trouble. Big trouble.”
“I’ve seen plenty of trouble back on Earth,” Steve said, adjusting his tie. “What kind of trouble? Political ideologies clashing? Religious nutbars run amok? Tainted snack food?”
“Ursas.”
Steve’s eyes went wide as he took a step back from his new acquaintances. “You… you mean… bears?” He managed to stammer out.
“Um… yes?”
Steve turned away from them. The two ponies looked to each other, wondering what he could possibly be doing. Celestia reached out to touch him when he flipped back around, causing both of the ponies to yell and jump back. From out of nowhere he had procured a set of sunglasses, which were currently set over his normal glasses. “You’ve called the right man for the job, my little ponies!” he boomed out triumphantly. “It just so happens that I am the de facto champion of bear wrangling, bear strangling, and all around bear pummeling!” The ponies were astounded by Steve’s sudden transformation, and were watching helplessly as he started to storm out of the tent. “You two stay here! I’ll take care of those bears for you!” Before either of them could stop him, he marched outside, his hair once again blowing heroically with no discernible source of wind.
Twilight and Celestia stared at each other with mouths agape. They quickly came back to their senses as they heard a commotion brewing outside, and they ran to the tent’s entrance, knowing full well that they would find a particular human behind it.
Stephen Colbert Saves Equestria
Chp 1: Where We Stand
Twilight and Celestia burst out of the tent and found themselves underneath the bright, early morning sun, though its joyful nature was diminished by the situation at hand. All around them were tents similar to the one they had just run out of, though theirs was the biggest, considering it was the princess’ tent. The camp was located on a large field between Canterlot and Ponyville, the gleaming towers of the former sticking out of the mountainside. Since the camp was situated on the Canterlot end of the field, the only thing anyone could see in the direction of Ponyville was the foreboding tree line of the Everfree Forest. There came cries and conversation from all over the camp, but a good deal of ponies had gathered just in front of the two. Pegasi ponies hovered above their earth bound compatriots, and a patch of perfectly manicured dark hair could be glimpsed now and then through their wings.
Celestia and Twilight had to shove their way past the ponies hoping for a chance to meet with the bizarre creature, eventually meeting up with him in the center of the ring of ponies. His eyes were still hidden behind his set of sunglasses. “Hey, girls!” He said with a friendly tone when he caught sight of them. “I was off to take care of that bear problem when I got rushed by these ponies.” He chuckled. “Guess I can’t get away from the crowds.”
The two ponies were stunned by just how well he was taking the entire situation. “Stephen,” Celestia asked sternly, “do you understand the severity of the situation?”
“Of course! You two have a bear problem, I’m a bear problem solver!” His teeth were visible in his wide grin, each one like a self-contained sun, their gleam was so magnificent. “You worry too much. I’ll just pop in, round up a few new pelts for my collection, and be on my merry way.” He turned to the adoring crowd and waved, eliciting cheers from those in the front row.
Twilight pulled Celestia away from the star struck human and conversed quietly with her. “I don’t think he knows exactly what we’re dealing with, Celestia.”
Celestia took a quick look at Stephen and agreed. “That much is for certain, though he more than makes up for it with his enthusiasm. If he is indeed who we hope he is, then he very well may be our last hope.” She glanced around at the crowd of exuberant ponies, noting that they seemed happier now than they had been ever since their Ursa troubles started. “We must get him away from these prying eyes.” Twilight nodded in agreement, her horn lighting up in a purple aura. Stephen, who was in the middle of autographing a piece of paper for a particularly zealous aquamarine unicorn with a pen he procured from his suit, was enveloped in the same purple magic, and a second later, vanished from sight. The pen dropped and the paper floated down to the ground, much to the dismay of the unicorn.
Celestia stood to her full height, easily dwarfing the earth bound ponies and even some of the lower hanging pegasi. “Attention, my little ponies,” she belted, “please go back to your positions! All will be explained in due time!” There were disappointed groans throughout the crowd, but they all dispersed without incident. Sighing with relief, Celestia swiftly returned to her tent, making sure that none of her subjects got the sudden urge to investigate just what their leader had hidden.
“Really, all you had to do was ask,” came Stephen’s unmistakable voice, a hint of annoyance over its usually joyful tone. “I hate leaving a crowd hanging.” He brushed a speck of dust from his suit.
“Of course,” Twilight said, trying to keep him from rushing back out to the adoring masses, “but you need to wait here, at least until we get everything sorted out.” She caught sight of Celestia and her face lit up, relieved that she wouldn’t have to contain the universe’s most glorious creature alone.
“She is correct, Stephen. You’ve already made enough commotion as is, and until we know exactly what we’re going to do with you, it would be best to keep you out of sight.” She peeked outside and, when satisfied that they were going to be left alone, floated one of the discarded books on the ground over to him.
“What’s this?” He asked as he took it from her magical grasp. Celestia telekinetically flipped the book open to a page with the image of a translucent, dark blue Ursa.
“That is what we are facing.”
Stephen regarded the picture for a moment before looking back at Celestia. “Ursa Minors?”
Twilight walked over and flipped the page, revealing another Ursa, though this one was purple in color and, given the reference points in the picture, much larger than the previous one. “This,” she began, placing a hoof on the page, “is what the real problem is. An army of Minors, led by this Major.”
Stephen stared at the picture, taking in every detail of the monstrous beast. “Amazing, that’s the second biggest bear I’ve ever seen in my life!” Celestia and Twilight shared a baffled look, to which Stephen replied, “Trust me, you don’t want to know about the biggest one. Suffice to say that particular day ended in plenty of ruined suits and one heck of a decorative carpet.”
“Um, right…” Twilight said, ignoring the reminiscing human. “Your previous exploits aside, this is serious. There’s a reason for all the tents you saw out there.”
“I am afraid that’s correct.” Celestia pulled the book from Stephen’s hands and floated over a dusty and wrinkled scroll. He unrolled it to find a map of Equestria and the surrounding lands. “Several days ago, a few of the pegasi from the weather team of Ponyville reported a vast gathering of Ursa Minors west of the Ponyville.” She pointed the location of the Ursas out on the map for him. “They continued east, until eventually arriving at the town. Luckily, we were able to evacuate everyone from there before the Ursas could make contact. What you saw out there were the evacuees from Ponyville, plus the royal army.”
“Hmm… I assume they’re still there?”
Celestia shook her head. “Worse. A few of the pegasi sent out on recon have reported that they are continuing their march eastwards.”
“We have sentries flying around out there, watching for any sign of them,” Twilight chimed in, “but so far, they’re still moving through the forest. Based on my calculations, I estimate we have a day, maybe a day and a half before they reach our camp.” Twilight finished her thoughts to find one Mr. Colbert lost deep in contemplation. “Uh, Mr. Colbert?”
Stephen’s head jerked up, his thoughts lost in whatever humans thought of. “Oh, sorry girls, I was just wondering how I’m going to make a cape out of that Ursa pelt.” His words drew only unbelieving stares from the two ponies now questioning whether or not all humans crafted apparel from creatures big and small. “I’m only joking!” he confessed, although he was still secretly deciding just how ‘in’ the constellation look was that season.
“This is no time for jokes, Stephen. Ursas are terrible creatures, capable of destroying an entire building with a single step.”
“So you’re in the middle of a regular Thursday?”
“What?” Once again, the ponies couldn't appreciate his impeccable humor.
“Never mind,” he said, waving the funnies away with his hand, “I get the picture. Bears bad, ponies good, go smash bears.”
“That’s it in a nutshell.” Twilight deadpanned.
“If you are truly who you say you are, Mr. Colbert, then you must help us overcome this menace.”
“Princess, I’m everything everyone says I am, everywhere, everytime.” The undeniable truth of this sentence was enough to satisfy the princess, even though she didn’t actually know it at the time. Her subconscious had been overwhelmed by the sheer essence that Stephen Colbert expelled at all times. Later historians would call this essence ‘Colbertness’, and with its discovery and subsequent transformation into usable energy, all poverty, crime, and war would be eradicated from the universe.
But that’s a story for another day.
Compelled by the force she didn’t understand, Celestia could do nothing but agree with the strangely compelling human. “Alright, Stephen, I believe you are who we were looking for. I just hope you know what you’re getting into. Twilight, assemble the other Elements. I believe it is time they met Mr. Colbert.”
