Chapters The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
It was 6 am on Thursday in Ponyville. Celestia's sun was just being raised, and the bright beams of warm, welcoming light were spreading across Equestria. They peeked through curtains, assisting cockerels and alarm clocks in waking the pastel-coloured equines from their peaceful slumber. In one particular house, a unicorn uttered slurred curses as the blinding beams of light fell across her face and she tried to bury her pounding head further under the covers.
"Ughh.. Curse that sun, and that sun princess.. Ooh my head.."
The mare muttered similar phrases as she pulled herself out of bed, wobbling slightly as she stood up. She was an average-sized unicorn, with a white fuzzy coat, a perpetually messy crimson mane, deep orange eyes, and an eyepatch over her right eye. Her cutie mark was a crosshair in the centre of a wheel of fire. Though it varied, she usually wore an assortment of cuts and bruises. Her name was Fanta Shock, and she was in the middle of what must be the worst hangover in Equestria. From her point of view, anyway.
Fanta stumbled downstairs, dragging her limbs to the kitchen. She stood and blinked at her kitchen tiles for a while before picking up a mug in her magical orange aura. A few minutes later, the disgruntled mare was sitting down at the table with her coffee and breakfast, holding a newspaper up in front of her face and reading it. Or rather, trying to make sense of the words swimming across her vision, like some sort of relay race. She was just about to give up, when there was a thunderous hammering at the door.
Fanta carefully got out of her chair, headache fading as the coffee worked its magic, and stiffly trotted to the door. She opened it, and her eye was instantly blinded by the warm, loving rays of gentle sunlight.
"BLASTED SUN!"
She yelled, catching the attention of her unfortunate neighbours. Fanta squinted, realising that there was no one at her doorstep, save a cardboard box. Groaning, headache back in full force, she dragged it inside and slammed the door.
After another strong coffee, Fanta sat on the floor with the box. She quickly inspected it, discovering no markings or return addresses. She sighed, got up, and fetched a stick from its corner in the kitchen. Using the stick, Fanta carefully opened the box. This proved to be a wise choice – confetti and streamers blew everywhere, giving her living room a delightful assortment of paper decorations. Thoroughly revolted by this, the grumpy equine inched closer to the box, and fished out the envelope from inside.
It read: "HEY THERE!! You're invited to my Nightime Mega Party Extraordinaire! Be at Sugarcube Corner at 9pm this Saturday! Don't be late! :3"
Fanta never could figure out how to tell the annoying pink speedster that she was definitely not interested in parties, sleepovers, birthdays, cake-hopping relay races, or discos. Unfortunately, her protests would always fall on deaf ears and she'd end up being dragged to the social event anyway, so it made sense to just attend like everypony else.
She checked around her house for anything out of the ordinary, in the hopes that she wouldn't find anything and could go back to bed. Fanta checked her living room, dining room, letter box, phone – there was a new voice message. She must've been asleep. Or at the tavern. Possibly both. Either way, she picked up the phone and listened to what the message had to say.
"Hey, Ms. Shock! It's Cheerilee, I was just calling to make sure you hadn't forgotten that you're on school duty, this Thursday. The students get to school at about six thirty, don't be late!” *click*
Fanta's uncovered eye twitched. She looked at the clock. 6:28. She had two minutes to get to Ponyville's school, and those two minutes were being wasted on pointless exposition. She practically flew out the door, slamming it behind her as she galloped down the street.
Author's Note
This is my first ponyfic - I hope you enjoy it so far! I hope to be adding lots more chapters. Suggestions and criticisms are more than welcome! Edit: Chapters 1 and 2 have been updated with corrections and sentence adjustments.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Fanta arrived at the schoolhouse with seconds to spare, panting heavily as Cheerilee placed a check list and pencil in her hooves. The purple earth pony disappeared inside the red building, presumably to finish preparing her lessons for the day ahead. Fanta sat next to the gate leading in and out of the schoolyard, gripping her list and pencil in her magic, awaiting the hordes of offspring that were soon to become her charges. She was not disappointed, as within a few minutes, a pair of earth pony fillies came into view.
One had a dull grey colour scheme, while the other was pink, purple and white. Fanta checked their cutie marks and located them on her checklist, ticking the boxes that represented their attendance. The two fillies kept their distance from the intimidating-looking unicorn, but Fanta didn't care. She'd never got on with kids, they were just bundles of hyperactive energy that would later grow into bigger bundles of significantly less energy. Fanta momentarily entertained the thought of writing a book to keep her deep thoughts in, but extinguished it when she remembered that she hated writing. Over the next 10 minutes, clusters of happy colts and fillies slowly streamed into the schoolhouse, all giving the unicorn a wide berth. Fanta wondered if it was her eyepatch or her grumpy expression that made her look so scary. This chain of thought was rudely interrupted by a white unicorn filly galloping down the lane, trying to reach school before the bell went, and not looking where she was going.
Fanta lay dazed for a moment, before jumping up and looking around, eventually noticing the filly. She trotted over to her, and gently nudged her with a hoof.
"Hey - you alright?"
The foal nodded, groaning and getting up. She then looked up at Fanta, who had her cold, steely gaze set on her. This proved to be a mistake, and the poor filly started to well up.
"I-I'm s-sorry.."
If Fanta was any other colour, she'd have gone pale. Not only was she bad at comforting ponies, she could get into trouble with Cheerilee. And she did not want to be in trouble with Cheerilee. Anyone who commands the respect of hyper foals probably hunts dragons and demons for sport.
"Uhh.. H-hey, kid! Want to hear a joke?"
Fanta put on her 'winning smile', which loosely translated to 'desperate grimace', and the tiny unicorn looked up.
"O-okay.. *sniffle*"
A bead of sweat trickled down Fanta'a forehead. She had to make this joke good, before the little angel started crying again.
"U-uhh.. Why did the colt bring a ruler to cooking class? To measure out his ingredients!"
The unicorn filly gave Fanta a poker face so good, she could probably beat every champion in Las Pegasus. Fanta gulped. Now she was the one feeling intimidated.
Thankfully, the little foal broke into a grin, giggling as she said,
Fanta inwardly made the decision to avoid this filly. She was obviously of some higher intelligence.
The filly opened her mouth to speak, but quickly thought better of it and bounded into the schoolhouse. Fanta checked her on the list as present, and headed inside to give Cheerilee her equipment back.
She was hoping she could go home now, but in the back of her mind, she knew her day had just begun.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 3: Lunch, Falcons and Sandwiches
Chapter 3: lunchtime, falcons and sandwiches.
Fanta was worried. Cheerilee had let her sleep in the staffroom at the back of the school for a few hours, but lunch break was coming up. The way Fanta saw it, the little angels were still dozy from waking up, which was why she didn't have too much trouble counting them as they went in. Now, they would be fully awake, and ready to stretch their legs after some listening to the boring mumbo-jumbo that the teacher had been feeding them.
She made her way into the schoolyard and observed her surroundings. A playground, with swings and slides. A box with toys like jump ropes, and some number squares on the ground for jumping in. Good, nothing too explosive or dangerous. She had never cared much for playgrounds as a filly, much preferring to climb trees and shoot erasers into her teacher's coffee.
The school bell rang, and Fanta steeled herself for the worst. This would be a test of her courage and skill. She was not disappointed, as a steady stream of giggles and excited tiny hooves burst out of the schoolhouse, scattering into the yard and sitting on benches and slides with their lunch boxes. Fanta could feel them looking at her, their inquisitive eyes tracking her every movement. She tried to ignore it, sitting down with her lettuce and sunflower sandwich. As the foals began eating their own lunches, she could hear the murmurs being passed between them.
"Is she a pirate? Look at her eyepatch!"
"She looks really grumpy, I wonder why?"
"She tells really bad jokes, listen to this one she told me..."
Judging from the giggles she heard in that direction, she guessed her sense of humour wasn't that terrible after all.
Fanta peered up at the clock tower. There were ten minutes of break left, she had to make sure nothing went awry for just another ten minutes. Her dreams of getting off lightly were shattered when she heard a colt yell:
"Hey! Give me back my lunch!"
Her head snapped around, eye locking in on the foolish bird that had just stolen her charge's sandwich. She may dislike kids, but she'll be damned before she fails a mission.
She took off after the bird, absentmindedly wondering if she was taking school duty a bit too seriously.
The avian thief landed on a thatched rooftop, seemingly pleased it had pulled off a heist so flawlessly. It did not expect Fanta to clamber up the side of the cottage in question, grab the bird in her magic, and pry the sandwich from its talons. The bird, confused and frustrated, flapped away as soon as it was released. The unicorn stood triumphantly on the rooftop, before remembering that roofs in Ponyville are not particularly sturdy, and she should probably get down.
Upon her return, she was hailed as a hero, and she returned the colt's sandwich before going to her corner to finish her own. Her privacy was duly invaded by a dozen curious foals who had thought up a ridiculous number of questions, and wasted no time in pestering her over every little thing. Thankfully, just before she was fully convinced that they were actually all assassins assigned to end her career as a mortal being, Cheerilee called them in, and suddenly the hordes were back behind their desks.
The unicorn nodded in dumb awe, relieved as Cheerilee disappeared back into the classroom. She sighed, and turned to eat her sandwich.
About a mile away, a small falcon was pecking at the remains of a lettuce and sunflower sandwich. He realised he now had a death warrant on his head, but it was worth it to hear the growls of frustration emanating from the direction of Ponyville.
Author's Note
Look! A third chapter! This one is about tiny horses!
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 4: In Which Fanta Attempts to Conclude her Bad Day.
Chapter 4: In Which Fanta Attempts to Conclude her Bad Day
3 pm. Outside Ponyville's schoolhouse, a white unicorn mare stood proud, waiting for the final bell to ring. She was praying it wouldn't give her a headache.
The school bell chimed out happily, telling everypony within earshot that their little angels were on their way home. Fanta readied her checklist, ignoring the brand new throbbing pain in her skull and concentrating on the foals running past her.
As she checked them off her checklist, she remembered when she was a young filly, always doing things she wasn't supposed to. She had been a favourite in Canterlot playgrounds for her eyepatch, though.
Snapping out of her daydream, she continued checking foals off her list. One cutie mark she hadn't seen yet. No wait, three cutie marks – they just looked the same. She groaned and quickly scanned the crowd of young ponies, who were all much less afraid of her now, even going so far as to peer at her eyepatch as if it would reveal its secrets if it was looked at long enough.
Not seeing the three cutie marks, she sighed and started a quick round of the school premises. She checked under the slide, around the swings, under a bench, in the toy box... Nothing. Starting to get worried, she went inside the schoolhouse. In the back of her mind, she hoped Cheerilee wouldn't feed her to some kind of eldritch abomination from Tartarus that she likely kept as a pet.
"Uhh, Cheerilee?" Fanta asked, sweat trailing down the back of her neck.
"Yes?" The purple mare looked up at the pony who had interrupted her as she marked a colt's workbook.
"Umm... These three ponies are missing from the group that just left. The ones with the weird badge cutie marks." Cheerilee tensed, then relaxed.
"It’s okay. Those three left by their own means. You know the slide? They ride a scooter up that and jump the fence." Cheerilee grinned. "But thank you for coming to me with this, you're an honest pony."
Fanta nodded, putting the checklist on a desk as she turned to leave. She stopped halfway out the door, and mustered the courage to say something.
"Hey Cheerrilee... Can I interest you in a drink?" Fanta somehow suppressed a blush as Cheerilee blinked and looked up.
"Sorry, dear. I have lots of work to do. Maybe later?" Fanta glumly nodded and trotted out of the schoolhouse. As soon as she did, she sighed. At least now, she could maybe get some sleep.
Half an hour later, Fanta crawled into bed. It was only late afternoon but she'd decided she deserved some sleep. She'd battled birds, a hangover, and a schoolhouse full of hyperactive foals. Clearly, she was not cut out for any line of work concerning the care of schoolchildren.
Fanta closed her eyes, waiting for the bliss of sleep...
Miles away, the princess of the moon was on an expensive date with her attractive coltfriend. She mentally received the notification that somepony was trying to sleep, and checked through her magical records of that pony. Oh yes, this pony is the one that keeps trying to sleep in the afternoon. No. Go do something with your time, you lazy mare. She smiled at her date, ignoring the sleep request and not feeling guilty at all.
Back in Ponyville, Fanta's eyes flipped open. She was now understandably irritable, and needed to take it out on somepony. Or something. She promptly sent a bedside lamp out her window and on a collision course with next door's garden. Their grass needed more colour, anyway. She grumped and stomped her way downstairs and stuck her head in a cupboard, searching for something to drink. Unable to find anything, she backed up and unlocked her front door. Her temper had quickly shifted from 'mildly irritated' to 'angry equine' within a couple of minutes, and she slammed the door shut behind her for the second time that day.
"GET OUTA THE WAY!!" Her head snapped to the left, just in time for her eye to register an orange pony on a scooter barrelling mid-air towards her. Today was just not her day, she thought, as the scooter made contact with her head.
Author's Note
See! Another chapter! :D
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 5: Hospitals are a Mercenary's Least Favourite Place.
Chapter 5: Hospitals are a Mercenary's Least Favourite Place.
Fanta woke up and immediately wished she hadn't. The familiar pale colours on the ceiling, the crisp stiffness of the bed she was lying on, and the sharp, sour smell of cleaning fluid told her all she needed to know. She was in hospital. Again.
Fanta hated hospitals. They were sterile and full of people who pampered you, but only in the ways they thought were suitable. The unicorn sighed and put a hoof to her face, feeling her bandage. It felt like she'd been knocked unconscious, so she probably only had a bruise.
Fanta's eye registered movement and she slowly looked down to see a forlorn foal at the bottom of the hospital bed. The orange and purple filly was sobbing softly. Fanta recognised her as the pilot of the scooter and let out a sigh. What was it with her having to deal with all these kids, recently?
"Hey, kid." The filly looked up, her big, watery eyes almost making Fanta cringe.
"Errr.. It's fine, kid. Really. See? I'm fine." Fanta made the mistake of nodding, which left her with a throbbing headache.
"B-but I-I hit you w-w-with my s-scooter and..." The filly blubbered and sobbed, and Fanta very, very slowly facehoofed.
"Kid, these things happen. Ya can't go back and change the past, so don't worry about it. I just need to esca- I mean... heal up and rest. Got it?" The filly nodded, mercifully not noticing Fanta's blunder.
"C-can I give you a hug?" A hundred thousand warning sirens went off very loudly inside Fanta's head. She hated hugs, she was paranoid that the hugger would try to stab her or something. Although, if it'll calm the kid down... She sighed.
"Yeah, fine. Just a quick one." The filly carefully hugged Fanta, and left.
Fanta glared at the nurses grinning to themselves in a corner. They must think she was going soft. She'd show them. She looked at the time. 8 pm. It would be dark soon, perfect for her to sneak out. She'd wait another hour.
A few seconds later, Fanta was bored. She turned to the patient next to her, a green unicorn stallion with a brown mane, who was reading a Daring Do book. Ah, the Daring Do books. She had never liked reading, but that series was the only one to ever really interest her.
"Hey." The green unicorn looked up, and smiled.
"Hey there. What's your name?"
"I'm Fanta Shock."
"Ahhh yeah, I heard the nurses talking about you. You like to escape from hospitals." Fanta raised an eyebrow. Maybe she could get some more information to aid in her escape.
"Yeah, that's me. Did they say anything else?"
"Nah, nothing that could help you." The green unicorn grinned. Fanta was almost starting to like him. Almost.
"Ah well, worth a try. What're you in here for?"
"Me? Oh, problems with my magic. They think I might've taken a hit, and are keeping me in for observation." He chuckled.
"And you?"
"Oh, I got hit by a scooter." The stallion nodded in appreciative sympathy. Two nurses had just come in, and were starting to unlock his bed so they could wheel him away. He turned to Fanta as they left.
"Good luck, and watch for more scooters next time!" They disappeared behind the closing double doors.
"Well that was weird," Fanta mused, and turned to the bed on her other side. A creamy-yellow earth pony lay in this one, with streaks of purple in his mane. He seemed to be asleep and Fanta couldn't be bothered waking him, so she resigned herself to devising a plan of escape.
42 minutes, one toilet break, and two cups of water later, it was coming up to nine o'clock. Fanta was ready. She was coiled, waiting to pounce. The clock hit nine, and she rolled up in her blanket, and fell to the floor. Moving like a caterpillar, she shuffled across the floor of her ward and peeked through the crack between the doors. Just as planned. The doctor was coming to make his rounds. Discarding her blanket, she waited next to the doors, pressed up against the wall. The doctor, who was tired and just wanted to finish up for the night, walked through the doors and straight past Fanta, who slipped in behind him as the doors closed.
Now she was in the corridor. It was empty for now but she knew that could change at any moment. She looked for a hiding place and saw a laundry cart full of clean (thank goodness) blankets and bedsheets. She dived into it and covered herself up. Now, the hard part. She focused on the wheels of the cart, slowly making them turn, moving the cart down the hallway. Fanta had never been much of a magic-user, despite being a unicorn. She'd always preferred to use her head rather than her horn and, as such, her magic was considerably weaker than most other unicorns. Still, she managed to move the cart, inch by inch, to the next set of double doors. She peeked out carefully through the laundry , realising they were locked. Silently cursing herself, as she couldn't pick the lock without risking detection. Fortunately, the doctor was on his way back from his rounds. He had apparently missed Fanta's disappearance and, judging from the tremendous yawn he let out, Fanta could see why. However, if he spotted her now...
The doctor strode right past the innocent cart of laundry, and unlocked the doors. Putting the keys back in his coat pocket, he yawned and went through the doors, making sure they shut with a click. He nodded, satisfied, and went to his office so he could start packing up to go home. Meanwhile, a white unicorn was grinning to herself as she looked at the keys she'd stolen. Magic was handy, sometimes. She waited until she heard the doctor say goodnight to the nurse at reception, and the doors sliding closed.
Fanta unlocked the big double doors and slipped through, abandoning the cart. This was the home stretch and the most difficult part of her escape. She could slip by reception by crawling around the main desk, out of sight of the nurse. However, the nurse would see the motion-sensitive doors open, look up and see Fanta crawling on the floor.
She needed to be smart about this. She looked around. Another cart, a vase of flowers, and some leaflets. Nothing helpful. Fanta turned her head to look at the doctor's office. He'd left his door ajar, and she could see a vase of flowers in there. Slowly, a plan formulated in her mind...
Fanta slowly levitated the keys she had stolen and scooted them across the floor into the doctor's office. Sweating with strain, she carefully lifted them up to the vase, and placed them on the edge of the vase's mouth. The extra weight caused the vase to topple, and smash on the floor. The nurse behind the desk shot up and ran to the doctor's office. Fanta took this opportunity to run for the door, breaking into a gallop as she cleared the threshold.
A few blocks down the road, she stopped for breath. She wondered if there would be any serious repercussions for her escape and guessed probably not. The hospital has a ridiculous amount of ponies escape, almost on a yearly basis. She looked up at the stars. She briefly pondered suing Luna for indirectly getting her into this mess but decided against it, choosing instead to slowly trot home.
Slipping under her sheets, she let out an exhausted sigh, and curled up to sleep. She hoped she wouldn't have to deal with anything tomorrow, but something in the back of her mind was telling her that she wasn't going to get off so easily.
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 6: Fanta Shock and the Invasion of the Door-to-door Salesponies.
Fanta regained consciousness. She must have been a few minutes earlier than usual, as the sunlight had not yet reached her eye. She sat up, yawned, and climbed out of bed.
A few minutes later, Fanta made a hesitant move towards the stairs. Nothing had exploded, hit her head, or caused her injury in any way. Something was very, very wrong. She gingerly tip-toed to the kitchen. No landmines. No foals trying to take off her eyepatch. She approached the counter and made herself some cereal. No nurses. No dragons. She put the bowl of cereal on a table and went to a mirror so she could look at the damage the scooter had done. Slowly unwinding the bandage, she breathed a sigh of relief as she saw that it was only a lump and a bruise. It would go down soon. The unicorn sat at the table, slowly eating her cereal, waiting for something to jump out at her. Maybe she was still asleep? Her hoof slowly prodded her bruise which gave her a harsh assurance that yes, she was awake.
Fanta finished her breakfast and sat down with a mug of coffee. This was so weird. Normally by now, something had whisked her up into some ridiculous adventure and she was fighting for her life against foals or chasing dragons through the Everfree. Yet this morning, nothing had happened.
To Fanta, this was almost worse. Then she remembered that a nice, warm bed with a comfy mattress and a pillow fluffed to perfection awaited her upstairs. She smiled and climbed up the stairs, slipping back into bed. She sighed contentedly, and closed her eye.
Exactly forty-two seconds later (she counted), Fanta heard a knock at her door. Letting out a disgruntled moan of annoyance, she dragged herself out of bed and down the steps. Making her way to the door, she unlocked it and gave the stallion in front of her a death-stare.
The stallion in question, a white Pegasus with a blue-and-yellow mane, grinned at her.
"Can ah interest you in some-"
"No." Fanta slammed the door and went back to bed. The stallion, momentarily stunned but undeterred from his mission, knocked again on the door. Fanta opened it, wishing she knew a spell that could summon the armies of Tartarus. The stallion smiled and offered her some dustpans at a bargain price.
Fanta bought one and held it aloft in her magic. The Pegasus, realising his mistake, took off flying, desperate to get out of range of the angry unicorn. Fanta carefully judged the distances, took aim, and threw the dustpan with all her might.
Meanwhile, in a well-concealed hideout constructed from twigs and leaves, a falcon was just waking up. This particular falcon had somehow gained an awareness of himself and had taken it on his shoulders to make the life of that sandwich-rescuing mare a misery. He had been hatching a plan, a plan that would quite possible get Fanta evicted from Ponyville. A plan so dastardly, no one except a truly evil creature could have devised it. He did not, however, plan for the dustpan that crashed into his hideout, sending him into the air and over the horizon with a startled squawk.
Fanta grumped. The dustpan was supposed to have gone straight through the tree and bring down the salespony. Oh well. She shrugged and went back inside, only to hear a knock on the door. Deciding to ignore it this time, she shook her head and went back up to bed.
"Fanta!" Well. The salespony wouldn't know her name. She opened the door to discover her neighbour on her doorstep. Her neighbour was nice enough – she was a light grey unicorn with a smooth violet mane, but she always kept her cutie mark hidden under something, like a dress or some bags. Fanta secretly suspected she was a spy, or a jewel thief, or something ridiculous like that.
"Salesponies! Salesponies everywhere!" Her neighbour (Fanta could not recall her name) was jogging frantically on the spot and moved aside so Fanta could see behind her.
It was carnage. There were salesponies everywhere, running from door to door, bothering everyone with their useless wares and services. Fanta's eye twitched. Her bad mood was slowly starting to come to a boil and she turned to her panicking neighbour.
"Does that purple pony with the glorified glasshouse know what going on?" The purple-maned unicorn nodded.
"Yeah, she heard the screaming." Fanta was fortunate to live in an area where the ponies weren't so... easily scared. She shrugged, tripping up a salespony who was speeding by her and pinning them down.
The mare in captivity looked up at Fanta, and offered her a digital watch. Fanta shook her head, then stopped and thought.
"I'll buy one if you tell me where you all came from, deal?" The mare enthusiastically nodded, and pointed towards the Tartarian portal on the other side of town.
1,342 years earlier
Luna opened the gates to the castle. The army of salesponies and cold callers streamed in, hundreds of bargains and special offers being flung like confetti at a wedding. Calling forth her magic powers, she scooped them all up into a ball and gave them the Angry Luna Look™, which was very scary indeed.
"I SENTENCE THEE TO TWO THOUSAND YEARS IN THE PITS OF TARTURUS FOR ATTEMPTED FRAUD AND ALMOST BRING EQUESTRIA'S ECONOMY TO ITS KNEES!!" The Royal Canterlot Voice rang out, a portal opening underneath the crowd of ponies and sucking them to their fate.
"Well, that is that over. With any luck, those vile ponies will have learned their lessons in 2,000 years." She trotted off to go and annoy her sister.
Present day
The mare smiled up at Fanta, having recounted her story. Fanta tilted her head.
"So how did you escape Tarturus?"
"Oh, we tried selling stuff to Cerberus so he kicked us out. Like these bargain dog trea- mmmph!!" The mare protested through Fanta's hoof which was securely stuffed in her mouth. The white unicorn shook her crimson mane and looked at her neighbour.
"Err, so... Has that Sparkle mare got a plan, or anything?" The grey unicorn nodded.
"She's going to show them Equestria's biggest door, which they will rush through and fall into a trap." Fanta was starting to wonder how this Sparkle pony got into politics with loony ideas like that.
She sat on the unfortunate salespony and dried her hoof on the grass.
"Eww. Conpony saliva." Fanta sat and thought. If the invasion of these salesponies escaped from Tartarus once, they could do it again. She needed a way to silence them… permanently. Or maybe knock out their memory. Anything to stop them going door-to-door with bootleg discord lamps...
Fanta continued sitting and thinking while she came up with a plan. Then, she had a great idea. But she needed to talk to this Sparkle person, if she was really an alicorn.
Twilight Sparkle was having a rather eventful Friday. She had dismissed thirty-nine different ponies from the castle doors today and there seemed to be no end to them. She was putting the finishing touched on her 'Giant Distracting Door' spell, when she heard a knock at the door. Timidly opening it, she saw a white unicorn with a crimson mane, an eyepatch, and a very grumpy expression.
Fanta sighed and pushed her way past the alicorn, amid protests and 'what are you doing here?’ She sat in the nearest chair and eyed the princess.
"You're Princess Sparkle?"
"Yes, but what're you doing in my house?" Twilight was rather annoyed at this point.
"And you're the one who came up with the giant door idea?"
"Yes, but what ar-"
"If they can escape once, they can do it again." She raised her eyebrow at Twilight, who was getting flustered.
"As a group, could they escape from the moon?" Twilight went quiet, calculating the average magical output of an average unicorn-out-of-three ratio based on the national average amount of ponies in a given area.
"Err... No, I don't think so. Even if they all used the same escape spell at once, they wouldn't be able to break the magic field that surrounds the moon after casting the To-The-Moon spell." Twilight grinned, proud of her deduction.
"To the moon?" Fanta blinked.
"Yeah, that's what Princess Celestia named it after banishing Nightmare Moon!”
Fanta was starting to think that the royal sisters were funny in the head. Twilight was starting to think that this strange pony was an anineigh character. Fanta thought Twilight was an egghead.
A few minutes later, a giant door appeared near Ponyville. It glistened with magical aura and every salespony, con-colt, and cold caller's eyes were instantly drawn to it. You could practically hear the bargains rush through the streets towards the door. Once they were all gathered around it, they felt themselves being picked up in a magical field. They glowed as they were lifted up, up, up into the sky, never to be seen again.
Fanta walked through her front door, sat in her living room. The rest of the day had been her helping with relief efforts, as 'requested' by Princess Sparklepants. She'd never got her head round how a town of panicking ponies could cause so much upset and destruction, but hey. She groaned and got up. Walking to her kitchen, she shoved a slice of bread in her mouth and chewed on it as she climbed the steps to her bedroom. Sitting down in the centre of her room, she looked around. She'd grown up in this house and it hadn't changed much since her parents left. The walls were devoid of pictures and photo frames. Her room had some drawings of a half-baked plan to steal Luna's underpants, which had never come to fruition due to the fact that Luna does not wear underpants.
She swallowed the last piece of bread, and climbed between her sheets, hoping for a night of restful sleep.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 7: Pinkie Party Preparation
Fanta opened her eye and groaned. The sun was just on her eyepatch, thankfully not blinding her like it usually does. Rolling out of bed, she stretched her legs and cantered downstairs. Tonight was the pink creature's big party thing, so Fanta was going to have to spend all day today avoiding Pinkie and preparing herself for the party.
After breakfast, she peeked outside. No scooters. No salesponies. Good. Taking a wary few steps, she made her way out of her house. She paused, waiting for something to hit her. When nothing did, she decided it was safe and trotted away towards the market.
[-Pinkie POV-]
Pinkie Pie shot up. She was excited, today was her big party! She zipped downstairs and got herself some cereal to go with her bowl of sugar. She was happily crunching away on the sickeningly sweet breakfast, when she heard someone enter Sugarcube Corner. Looking up, a sunglasses-wearing stallion dressed in royal guard armour approached the counter.
"Hiiii! Welcome to Sugarcube Corner, where all the sweetest ponies come to eat!" Pinkie giggled and grinned at the guard.
"You are running a part tonight, correct?" The stallion grunted in a monotone voice.
"Yeah! Why? Do you wanna come?! I normally invite ponies, but for you I can-"
"The royal guard will be using the back room during the party. Understand?" Pinkie faltered slightly at being interrupted.
"But why? Aren't there a bajillion othe-"
"I said, do you understand? You have no choice in the matter, Miss Pie. Comply or you will be detained."
Pinkie felt a chill go down her spine. The chill stopped for tacos halfway down, then continued until she got a tingle in the tippiest tip of her tail. She nodded glumly at the guard, her pinkie sense internally screaming at her to say no.
[-Fanta POV-]
Fanta Shock was trying her very best not to assault the mare in front of her who was charging five bits for a pack of hairbands. Grumbling, she accepted the trade and stomped off to the next stall. This particular shop was her favourite. She went up to the counter, and grinned at the rugged stallion behind it. His stall advertised asparagus, Fanta's least favourite food.
"I'll have three bundles of asparagus, I have to cook some soup." He chuckled and nodded, putting three bundles of green tubes before Fanta.
"You haven't done soup in a while! Having someone over? Oh, that'll be 20 bits." Any other pony would've fainted at the extortionate price, but Fanta just nodded and paid him.
"Just making sure I have enough for anypony who comes over to visit." The stallion laughed and patted her head.
"You haven't changed a bit, Fanty." Fanta blushed and grumbled.
"Neither have you, Teach. You still smell of lemon." The stallion stiffened and narrowed his eyes at Fanta.
"I thought you said you'd never mention that again?"
"And I thought you said you'd never pet me again!" They growled at each other, then stopped and chuckled.
"Oh man, just like the good old days. Remember when you threw the live grenade backwards?"
Fanta blushed and mumbled.
"It was my first day..."
"Still funny, though. Anyway, you should get along and cook your soup. Just don't catch my shop in it, alright?" Fanta rolled her eyes and trotted off, waving goodbye. The stallion grunted and turned to his next customer.
"Agent Drops, how are you?"
[-??? POV-]
Meanwhile, in an extra storage room at Sugarcube Corner, a small group of hooded ponies had gathered.
"Is the ritual ready?"
"Yes."
"Is the pink one blocked out? She must not see our work." One of the ponies shuffled to the door, checking the magical seal on the lock.
"It's clear." The pony's eyes glinted from under the cloak.
"Good. Then, let us rehearse the plan, one more time..."
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 8: Fanta does not like Parties.
That night, after the moon had been raised, Fanta slowly made her way across the street towards Sugarcube Corner. She slid through the double doors and braced herself for the inevitable onslaught of hot pink fur and sugary grins. After a few minutes, she opened her eyes. No pink demon. No proffered cupcakes. No deep, sparkling bright blue eyes and perfect, enthusiastic smile. Fanta shook her head and took this rare opportunity to slink into a corner of the bakery.
The party was already in full swing. Tables were piled high with cake of all shapes and sizes and colours, a DJ was playing some electronic music on her mixing table, and mares and stallions were everywhere, having a good time. Fanta felt sick and the music hurt her ears. She sighed and made her way over to a couple that she recognised. The two mares were having a great time and welcomed Fanta into their discussion concerning mint cake and marzipan icing.
After a few minutes, Fanta excused herself. The two mares nodded, knowing Fanta well enough to know that she needed to be given a bit of space. She slipped past Big Mac and looked over a stand of brownies. Something was wrong. That pink creature was nowhere to be seen and she was always the life and soul of the party. Fanta had very accurate hunches and this one was telling her that something wasn't right at this party.
Her eye scanned over the sea of faces, mentally blotting out heads with horns. That just left Pegasi and Earth Ponies, so she scanned the crowd again, this time looking for pink. Nothing.
Frustrated, Fanta threw a brownie at what looked like an alligator toy sitting on the counter. It fell off and hit something which squeaked. Fanta blinked.
"Pinkie has an alligator, right?” She mused to herself. “Dummy, I think its name was." She ducked under the table, carefully weaving through the forest of hooves until she could peak around the corner of the counter.
A pink mare was curled up, clutching the alligator to her chest, looking at Fanta with big scared eyes.
Fanta was having to comfort too many ponies lately. This was way out of her area of expertise.
"Hey, Pinkie. You okay?" Pinkie shook her head, and pointed towards a door that looked like the entrance to a storage room.
"Th-they d-didn't want my strawberry sliceeesss! Weehh-mmph!" Fanta stuck Gummy in Pinkie's mouth, muffling her bawling.
"You're upset because a pony doesn't want to eat your strawberry slices?" Pinkie nodded and spat Gummy out.
"And they're scary ponies, they're probably practising some kinda evil magic, but I mean, come on! Who doesn't like strawberry sli-mmmph!" Gummy was once again used as a Pinkie muffler. Fanta was fully alert. If there were ponies practising some kind of evil spell, everypony at this party could be in danger. She pushed Gummy further into Pinkie's mouth to keep her quiet for longer and took a small, grey box with a red button on it out of her mane.
"Sorry Pinkie, party is over." She pressed the button.
Outside Sugarcube corner, some asparagus bundles were half-buried in the ground. As Fanta pressed the button, the bundles exploded. They blew a fairly small hole in the ground, but made an overwhelming noise, accompanied by a bright white flash of light. This woke ponies, scared stray animals, and sent the partying equines inside Sugarcube Corner into stunned silence. Then they remembered that they were supposed to be terrified and started screaming and running everywhere.
As the mass of ponies fled through doors and windows, Pinkie turned to Fanta.
"Were those fireworks?"
"Nope! Flash-bang grenades!" Fanta grinned.
"Flash-bang gre-whats? Mmmph!" Fanta stuffed Gummy (who was silently protesting) into Pinkie's mouth and chucked her over the counter into the throng of terrified ponies.
"Now, to stop whatever they're doing..."
Hearing a bang outside and muffled screams from just outside the door, the cloaked figures looked up from their chanting.
"What was that?" One asked, a mare's voice coming out from under her hood.
"Sounds like we've been interrupted." A grizzly voice emanated from a hood across the room.
"It mattersss not. Continue the sssssacrificcce." A forked tongue whips out from under the hood of the pony at the head of the circle of cloaked figures.
"One of you check we sssssstill have sssssomething to offer." The pony nearest the door nodded and left, closing the door to the small room behind them.
The cloaked pony looked up and down the hallway, then started to make their way to the terrified-pony-filled dining area. The last thing they heard was a soft whistle, then a *CLANG*. Then their vision went black.
Fanta hoof-pumped, and sped over to her fallen prey. She pulled off the cloak and put it on. She then checked over the limp body, picking up the slightly dented frying pan in the process and hiding it under the cloak.
"Stallion.. Cutie mark is some bubbles and a chocolate bar.. Nothin' special. Hmm." She pulled the cloak over her head, and slowly opened the door to the small room.
It was roughly ten metres by ten metres. There were no windows, only one door, and the floors and walls were bare of any normal bakery items. Most noticeable were the four other hooded figures, gathered around a chalk circle on the floor, full of shapes and diagrams that Fanta didn't recognise. The ponies looked up at her from the rhythmic monotone chanting they were doing before she came in.
"Well, Bubble Bar? Issssss the coasssst clear? Are there ssssacricessss left?" The figure at the head of the table rasped at her. She nodded and took her place adjacent to the pony on the other side of the room.
"Good. Then let ussss begin again." The raspy pony made some guttural noises, and started chanting in an old style of speech that made Fanta's horn tingle.
"He who rulesss the dark world, and hasss vowed to return and ssslay the alicornsss of day and night-" The other ponies joined in, and Fanta mouthed the words. This was not good. She had absolutely no clue what was going on but she didn't like the sound of it at all. She had to do something, and fast. Slipping a hoof under her cloak, she readied her frying pan, formulating the best way to take out every pony in the room, except the leader. She wanted answers before the royal bomb squad arrived.
Flinging out her hoof, the frying pan sailed towards the pony opposite, landing with a *CRACK* as it knocked her down. Fanta jumped forward, grabbing the frying pan in her front hooves and sending the pony next to her flying with a well-aimed swing. The next pony tried to dodge, but Fanta hit them on the side of their head, knocking them out cold. Satisfied, she turned to the leader of the group.
"Who are you, and what are you doing?" She pointed the frying pan menacingly at the cloaked figure's head.
"You sssimpleton. Look down." Fanta glanced downwards at the chalk circle, which was now glowing with fierce, orange energy.
"Awww ponyfeathers." She cursed, before ink-black tendrils rose out of the glowing symbols on the floor and pulled her into a portal, raspy laughter echoing in her ears as she was sucked into a black abyss.
Author's Note
Changed the POV thing again - hopefully it comes off a bit cleaner this time!
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 9: To Tartarus and Back
Fanta groaned, and shifted slightly. She snorted as the stale air filled her lungs and rolled over on the cold, hard ground. Much to her surprise, her legs sounded like chains when she moved them. Frowning, she moved again. Yup, that was the noise of rattling chains. How peculiar. Slowly moving her head, she looked down at her hooves and saw they were shackled to an iron ring in the floor. Ahhh that makes more sense. She slowly stood up and looked around. She was chained to a huge stone platform to which numerous rope bridges were connected, leading to other platforms like hers. They all seemed to be floating, the dark grey of the stone silhouetted against the blood-red sky. Moving slowly to the edge of her platform, she looked down. Below her was more sky and more platforms. After a few moments, her sense of depth perception returned and she realised that this place was actually cylindrical in shape. The diameter must be at least a hundred miles, with those eerie, crimson-sky walls. Were they even sky? Come to think of it, where was she?
She shook her head, trying to clear her mind. The last think she remembered was that rasping laugh as she was pulled into the portal.
"Aww, hay. I was used as a sacrifice when I stepped on that magic circle thing, wasn't I?" She facehoofed, and turned to explore her own platform. It was circular, with the occasional stain of... She tried not to think about what the dark stains in the stone were. Looking up, she saw more platforms. How many were there?
Squinting, she could see some different platforms at the very top of this hellish cylinder. They looked blue and shined like crystals. She could also just make out a bridge leading to what looked like a door, with the shadow of some large creature visible on the underside of the crystalline bridge it occupied.
That's when it hit her. She was in Tartarus, the underworld, the place where ponies and other creatures were imprisoned and punished. The feeling of cold dread crawled up her spine like spiders going for her neck, her breathing deepened as she tried to blot out the unimaginable horrors that- Actually, come to think of it, for all the torture and pain that was supposed to be happening, it was awfully quiet. Gingerly peeking over the edge again, she observed that there were no ponies on the platforms below her.
As she pondered this, she heard a voice behind her.
"Miss... Fanta Shock, right?" She spun around, even with chains shackling her, she could best any eldritch creature! The checklist-wielding, pale green pegasus stallion wearing a headband adorned with plastic horns, and a fake red tail with a spike on the end, raised an eyebrow.
"You alright, Miss?"
Fanta blinked in disbelief.
"Am I alright? Am I alright?! Where are the torture devices? The burning pits of sulphur? The haunting screams of the souls doomed to spend eternity in this hellish abyss?!" Fanta wheezed and snorted angrily, rage shooting out from her eye.
"We don't do much of that anymore, Miss." The stallion sighed.
"Ponies are usually good at heart, so much so that we only get a single soul here every few years. All the dark torturers and demonic flayers quit centuries ago. Cerberus is only here because his contract doesn't run out for millennia to come." The stallion flipped through the checklist he was holding as he spoke.
"And I'm dressed like this because I burned a pony's house down, and the boss was so understaffed when I got here, he said I could skip eternal torture if I worked for him." He looked up at Fanta.
"You only brought an eyepatch and a frying pan, right? We left your eyepatch on, but we had to confiscate the frying pan." Fanta pouted as he checked his list.
"Hold on, you're not put down for any crimes! What're you doing here?" He raises both eyebrows, which looked rather unnatural.
"I was tricked and used as equine sacrifice so an ancient evil could arise and destroy the diarchy." The stallion chuckled at this.
"Well, Miss. Looks like you get to meet the boss." The chains disintegrated, and Fanta stood up, wary of her escort.
"What's... What's your name?" Fanta asked.
"Ashen Furnace. Appropriate, huh?" The stallion yawned and headed down a bridge that descended downwards, and she followed.
A few dozen bridges later, Fanta flopped, panting, on the cool stone of the platform she currently occupied.
"Tired already?" The stallion rolled his eyes.
"We're almost there, come on." Fanta's eye twitched, and she spun around to face him.
"YOU SAID THAT TEN PLATFORMS AGO!!" The stallion nodded.
"But we really are almost there, this time. Look." He gestured to a floating building a few platforms away. It was shaped like a modern office building from Manehattan, with revolving doors and well-cleaned windows. Shaking her head in disbelief, Fanta stood up, and they continued down the bridges and platforms, until they reached the main doors.
Stepping in, it was much like a hotel check-in interior, with potted plants and carpet that was a tasteful shade of red. The purple unicorn behind the desk, dressed similarly to Ashen, looked up, and put down her video game.
"Tartarian hotel services, how may I help you?" She chanted in a sickeningly sweet voice. Fanta cringed.
"I'll let Berry Pond take care of you, now." Ashen nodded and left Fanta to her fate.
"Uhh.. I was used as an equine sacrifice and brought down here?" Fanta warily replied to Berry's enquiry.
"Ahhh yes, well first you-"
"Excuse me, Tartarian Hotel services? Who do you offer services to?" Fanta interrupted.
"Oh, anypony, honey! We get creatures from all different places and dimensions who need a place to stay between universes!" Berry grinned.
"Now, as I was saying, you go through those doors, take a left, go straight until you reach room forty, then go right, take the lift to floor thirteen, then take a left, give back the left and go straight on right, take the next lift to floor twenty-six, then jump up and down on the spot three times, take fifty paces forward then open the big double doors, then repeat the whole process! The second time around, make sure to do four jumps, or your soul will be entrapped by the hotel! Then, just go through the next set of doors, and you'll find the boss!" Berry smiled sweetly, not out of breath at all.
Fanta nodded dumbly, and slowly trotted over to the doors at the end of the hallway.
5 hours later, a white unicorn kicked the double doors so hard, they smashed out of shape. This unicorn was a mare, with an eyepatch over one eye, and a crimson, dishevelled mane. She was covered in dirt and scratches, and her single orange eye was staring daggers at the single occupant of the room. Really, really sharp daggers.
The centre of her seething hatred was hunched over a computer, tapping at the keys with clawed hands. Looking up at the irate invader, they sighed.
"If yer here to complain, thae complaints desk is doonstairs, lass. Ah dae'nt take complaints up 'ere, uh've got tae mich werk tae dae." Fanta blinked, feeling like she couldn't speak due to the thickness of the figure's accent.
"I was unwillingly sent here as sacrifice, and I-" the creature perked up, and stood on its hind legs.
"Sacrifice, y'say? That would explain th'weird email ah got yisterday, askin' me tae overthrow the alicorns... Ach well, ah s'pose it'd be a nice change. Gimme yer soul, lassie." The creature stepped forward into the light, revealing themselves to Fanta.
The creature was twice as high as Celestia, with a ridgy, carapace-like skin that moved like a huge suit of black, dull armour. The hands were claws, and the creature possessed a black tail covered in barbs. The head was built like a helmet, with fiery red eyes burning out at her, and two cruel, twisting horns spiking out of holes in the shell-like exoskeleton. A lump formed in Fanta's throat, and she stepped back, searching the room for weapons.
The room itself was not unlike an office, with a computer on a desk, filing cabinets, pictures depicting eldritch abominations celebrating birthday parties, that sort of thing. What caught her eye was a cabinet on the far side of the room labelled "confiscations". She quickly formulated a plan, as the creature swung a clawed hand at her. Dodging under his attack, she weaved between his legs, leaping at the computer. As he turned around, she hurled it at him, and it smashed against his head, resulting in a grunt of frustration as he pulled it off. By that time, Fanta had opened the cabinet and retrieved a weapon to defeat the monster.
The creature shook his head. Next time, he'd just buy a normal PC, those gaming ones were heavy. He looked up at the mare above him, weapon raised.
"Aw, hoots."
CLANG
CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG
Every worker in the hotel heard the noises ring out across the underworld, shock waves borne of pain and frustration shook the souls of all nearby, instilling fear as they cowered behind desks and lava-filled coffins, terrified of the war being waged on the boss's floor.
After a few minutes, the clanging stopped. Tartarus was silent as everyone waited for the victor to arise, and proclaim their dominance over the other.
On floor 52, the creature stood stoicly, staring defiantly at Fanta. It moved to speak, and then one of its horns fell off.
"Wha-" it stuttered, as its dark, twisted carapace helmet broke apart, and fell off.
Fanta's eye twitched, and her pupil constructed until it was barely visible. Her hoof holding the dented frying pan shook slightly. The creature's head, though deformed and withered, was the head of a cow.
A. Cow.
Fanta spoke through her gritted teeth.
"What is your name?" The creature, dazed at having received so many blows to the head, thought for a moment.
"Moocifer!"
CLANG
A few minutes after the final sound rang out, reception's lift opened, and Fanta stepped out. She was holding the frying pan in her magic, as well as another item that sent all the staff ponies in reception running for their lives.
She slowly walked out the front doors, and started to make her way up the rope bridges and platforms, on her way up to the gates of Tartarus.
Shining Armour sighed. His men were swarming all over Sugarcube Corner, looking for clues as to the whereabouts of two ponies. A pink pony, one of Twilight's friends, had told the soldiers that there were five ponies in cloaks, even though he'd only arrested four, on grounds of using forbidden magic. The pink mare had also told him that a white unicorn with crimson hair and an eyepatch had helped evacuate the building, with splash-fang ice creams (which he guessed were flash-bang grenades), but she went missing after investigating the room full of cloaked ponies. He turned to hear the report of two of his sentries, when a grating noise, like opening a long-forgotten door, filled the air. Running inside Sugarcube Corner, his head spun around, searching for the source of the noise. He spied a bright light coming from the room that the summoners had been using.
Spear raised, he burst through the door, stopping in his tracks. His jaw dropped, and he took a step back. In front of him were the gates of Tartarus. The dark powers emanating from the evil gates made his horn hurt. The ritual must have worked, a creature was coming to lay waste to Equestria! He shouted for his men, and started is during orders. As they lined up in a defensive line around the portal, the gates opened. Out stepped a white unicorn with a crimson mane. As soon as she'd crossed the threshold, the gates slammed shut and faded away.
Flabbergasted, Shining pointed his spear at her.
"A-are you Fanta Shock?" His voice sounded weak, like a kitten's. What kind of creature was pulled to Tartarus, and then walks out alive?
The mare nodded, dropping something at Shining's hooves. Every guard in the room went into a stunned silence, staring at the object as Fanta slipped past them, and made her way home. Shining picked up the almost-destroyed frying pan by the handle, staring at the cruel, twisting black horn inside.
As Fanta crawled into bed, she sighed and curled up. Surely, next week would be easier. This week had been (literally, in some cases) hell, and she just wanted to rest. Closing her eyes, she drifted off to sleep.
Moocifer, covered in bandages and pony aids trying to apply more, looked up at his boss.
"Uh'm sorree, the wee lass wess tae quick fer an ol' demon like mesel'-"
"It's alright, Moocifer. I understand you haven't fought anyone for millennia." The other occupant of the room smiled up at Moocifer and he had to grip his knees to stop them from knocking.
"However, this cannot be forgiven. This Fanta Shock must be dealt with as soon as possible." Moocifer nodded quickly.
"I understand, but what're ye gonna dae aboot 'er?" He was sweated profusely, soaking his bandages.
"Why, I shall send someone else after her, of course. I am a princess - I have many... Connections."
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 10: Clues and Further Adventures.
Celestia's sun was rising over Ponyville, warm rays spilling into every window. Miles away, in some ancient ruins located in a dense jungle, a long mouth filled with sharp teeth grinned. The large head covered in blue fur turned to his irate captive, who was tied to a sandstone column.
"You'll never get away with this!" Her brave voiced echoed across the chamber.
"Ahhh, but you see, Miss Do, I already have..." The figure laughed maniacally, yellow eyes flashing in the morning sun.
Back in Ponyville, Fanta was brushing her teeth. She had been through a hectic few days and was hoping to get some time alone today. She decided to stay indoors, peeking out of her window to see what the morning was like outside. She raised an eyebrow at the crowd of ponies down the street. There was something... off about them. Something out of place. She didn't remember any parades being scheduled this time of year, so it must be a public announcement or something. She squinted and realised what every pony in the crowd had in common: they all had really poofy manes.
Mane trends were commonplace in Ponyville, but seeing everypony have the same poofy manestyle as Pinkie was unnerving. Fanta, however, preferred her own hectic and dishevelled manestyle(she liked to call it rugged). She groaned, downing the last of her coffee and stepping outside. Her curiosity was too much to fight against. She wanted to know what was going on with the crowd.
Trotting down the street, she slowed down upon nearing the crowd. Close up, they weren't acting like normal ponies. Their eyes were glazed over and their heads and ears kept twitching, as if scanning for something. As soon as Fanta drew close, their heads snapped around and locked onto her. Fanta was not comfortable near crowds and around a hundred ponies staring intently at her was much, much worse. The really scary part was when they hissed and started chasing her, shoulders chugging like pistons on a train. Turning tail, Fanta fled back to her house, slamming and locking the door behind her. What was going on? She could feel the ponies outside scratching at her door with their hooves and wailing loudly. The noise was deafening, impeding her thought processes.
"Okay... Everypony is trying to get me, they're all mad, and I apparently can't get a break." She grumped, then yelled in surprise as a mare leapt through the kitchen window, glass flying everywhere. The mare seemed unhurt and ran at Fanta as soon as she got her bearings. Her approach was abruptly discontinued as a white hoof clocked her in the side of the head, sending her spiralling into the kitchen table. Fanta grinned to herself, checking the mare was unconscious. She sighed when she heard another pony creeping up behind her. Thinking fast, she grabbed a nearby chair.
"Take a seat!" She yelled, the chair sailing straight into Big Mac's face and knocking him on his backside. Fanta decided it was time to exercise the better part of valour and beat a hasty retreat upstairs. Pushing a chest of drawers to the top step, she peeked around it to see two ponies in pursuit.
"Sorry guys, this one is gonna hurt." She gave the heavy piece of furniture a solid shove, sending it tumbling down her stairway, colliding with the two unfortunate ponies and ushering them back to the bottom of the steps with an almighty CRASH.
Nodding with satisfaction, Fanta fled to her bedroom and shut and locked the door. Opening the window and clambering out, she got a firm grip on the gutter pipe and crawled up onto the roof. She carefully peeked over the edge of her thatched roof, just in time to see the poofy-maned ponies all climbing through the broken window. She sighed and looked up at the sky. Strange things had happened in Ponyville before, but this was certainly the strangest... Maybe aside from Discord's momentary reign. And the evil black vines. And-
Her train of thought was interrupted as she heard a hissing noise behind her. Spinning around, Fanta only just registered the minty green unicorn before she was tackled and sent tumbling off the roof. She frantically bucked the mare away from her and hit the ground rolling. Shaky and bruised, she took off down the street at a gallop.
"Quick - in here!" An open door with a friendly face was suddenly visible and Fanta lost no time in diving through the doorway before it closed. Panting softly, she looked up at her new surroundings.
The walls were a light blue, with pictures of really, really cute cats all over them. The furniture looked comfortable, and there was a large desk with books and scrolls piled high.
"Are you alright, Miss?" Fanta turned to look at her saviour, a blue Pegasus mare with a mane in black and yellow stripes, a pair of thin-rimmed glasses, and a grey scarf wrapped tightly around her neck. Her cutie mark was a bright red heart with a black feather on top.
"What's your name?" Fanta regarded the mare carefully.
"It's Fanta. Fanta Shock. And you?" The pegaus grinned and held out a hoof.
"Snuggle Feather, pleased to meet you, Fanta!" Fanta had to fight the sickening feeling in her throat. She'd heard some sickeningly sweet names in her life, but this one was extra... Lovely. Ugh. Why couldn't everyone have a cool name like her? She put on her friendliest smile and shook Feather's hoof.
"Yay! Now we're friends!" Fanta's heart sank as Feather adjusted her glasses. "Ooooo, you have an eyepatch!" Fanta sighed.
"Yes, don't touch it. Shouldn't we be more worried about the zombie apocalypse happening outside?" Snuggle blinked and nodded.
"Yes, yes. I'll explain what's going on." Fanta's attention was suddenly on the Pegasus. What did she know? Was she behind the whole thing?
"It's cats!"
Yeah, okay. She's innocent.
Fanta groaned and prompted Feather to explain further. She invited Fanta to look at her desk. It was probably a nice desk, but it was currently buried under books, scrolls, and cat photos. Feather pushed everything onto the floor and picked through the mess to find some select documents and objects.
"Before we start, would you like some tea? Coffee, maybe?" Feather seemed like a good hostess.
"Coffee will be fine, thanks." Fanta could feel a headache coming on. Today had been too much already. As Feather zipped off to the kitchen, Fanta looked through the documents on the desk. A map, some cat encyclopaedias, and a photo frame. Looking closer, Fanta could make out Feather, along with a blue-green unicorn mare with a hot pink mane. Before she could ponder this further, Feather returned with a tray laden with small cakes and cups of hot liquid.
After some cake, Feather explained everything she knew to Fanta.
"You've noticed how everypony in town is wearing a poofy manestyle? Well, they're hiding cats in their manes. Hey, no need for that look! Legend tells of some really smart cats who can telepathically affect ponies to do their bidding. It was believed they had all been banished to another dimension, but apparently not. And now, they're latched onto the heads of everypony in Ponyville!" Fanta mulled this over.
"Why isn't Sunlight Twinkle among the... controlled?"
Feather giggled. "You mean Twilight Sparkle? She and her friends went to Canterlot for a few days, something about a birthday?" She shrugged and sipped her tea.
"Anyway, the mind-cats have a drawback - they need someone to follow. They may be intelligent, but if they aren't receiving orders telepathically then they lose all focus and will flee until united again."
"So they become a bunch of scaredy cats? Sounds easy enough. Who's in control?"
"Well..." Feather tapped her chin. "I have a theory. Since no ordinary pony is capable of telepathic communication, you'd need to be a princess or something to control them. And since it's definitely not the princesses that leaves the 'bad guys'. And the one most obsessed with cats is…?" Fanta was still trying to compute all of this. After five minutes, Feather got bored.
"Ahuizotl! The evil mastermind in the Daring Do books?" Feather lit up as she said this. "I can tell you all about- mmmph!" She mumbled in protest through Fanta's hoof.
"I really don't need to know about your book. Just tell me where this... Cheese Burrito is, and I'll be on my way." Fanta seemed to put her hoof in people's mouths a lot. Maybe she should carry a pacifier around with her, instead.
"Cheese... Burrito...? Ohh, you mean Ahuizotl! He's in the ancient jungle, through the Badlands."
Fanta groaned. She'd heard of the Badlands, a wilderness where no friendly life grew. Strange things happened there, and explorers who went in search of adventure rarely came back. If they did somehow make it back, they would be hospitalised in the crazy ward, screaming out stories of vast metal boats and otherworldly creatures that would tell them of the end of all things. She had always actively avoided it, hoping to keep what little remains of sanity she had.
"Errr... What other routes are there?" She grinned nervously and Feather checked the map.
"Well, we could go through the swamp! It's a little longer, but probably won't kill us. We could even check out the survival training camp!" Fanta raised an eyebrow at this. "There's even a program for colts and fillies, they've built a big campus in the middle of the swamp to teach the younger generation survival techniques!" Feather looked through some news reports located on the floor. "Wow, attendance rates from the foals is pretty high this year..."
A few days later, Fanta and Feather stood on the border to the Badlands. They were wearing saddlebags, as well as larger packs on their backs, and wide-rimmed sunhats. No way was Fanta going near kids, if she could help it.
"Fantaaaaaaa. Why did I have to coooommmee?" Feather had whined most of the way here before being threatened with a hoof. The rest of the trip, she had been silently pouting. Getting out of Ponyville had been easy, turns out that the mind-cats still love giant piles of catnip, which Feather had an abundance of. Thankfully, no other towns between the Badlands and Ponyville had been invaded by the telepathic equines, and getting travelling supplies for their venture across the wilderness had been pretty easy.
"Because you're the only cat fanatic- I mean, expert that I know of! Err, you're going to be super helpful and help me defeat Cheese Toastie!" Fanta nodded with an air of finality.
"Ahuizotl, y'mean." Feather stifled a giggle.
"Oh- just shush and come on." They started their trek across the barren wasteland.
"Fanta?"
"Yes, Feather?"
"I have to go potty."
"......"
Miles away, under the warm canopy of jungle, Ahuizotl was staring into space. Daring had been watching him for some time, and still couldn't figure out what he was up to.
"Ahuizotl, what the hay are you doing?" The ancient beast blinked and turned to look at her.
"Miss Do, I am conversing with my minions. I require... Silence." With a distinctly evil giggle, he looked away.
"Oh? How? And why would you need minions? Are you getting weaker, dear?" Daring's favourite taunting voice seeped into Ahuizotl's ears and he growled.
"Fine, since you aren't going anywhere ever, I may as well explain. I-" A sudden, immense presence filled the throne room, and Ahuizotl's words caught in his throat. Daring frantically looked around, her bonds preventing her from fleeing. She spied a pair of pure white eyes glowing from the shadow of the main doorway.
"Now, Ahuizotl. Maybe you should keep your mouth closed, if you like remaining on this plane of existence." An eerily warm, smooth voice came from the shadow. "We wouldn't want to spill any secrets now, would we? Your previous plans always went up in flames - it would be a shame if you had to as well." Ahuizotl nodded. His posture was like that of a child who had been caught committing the most terrible of crimes. From where she was restrained, Daring could see him shaking. The eyes disappeared, and the atmosphere in the room lifted slightly, silence taking its place. Daring could not speak. Ahuizotl resumed staring into space, his paws sweaty from fear.
Author's Note
I'm quite proud of this chapter.
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 11: Daring Do and the Case of the Grumpy Unicorn
Fanta stared into the small fire pit she had dug out. They had been trekking across the Badlands for two days and it was starting to take its toll. Looking up, she saw the moon and stars were out. She idly wondered if that lazy, good-for-nothing moon princess could see her. She looked over at their tent. Snuggle Feather was happily occupied, playing with some tiny plastic toy cats. Fanta inwardly cringed.
Many miles away, down a dark corridor, a tall figure was slowly walking. The figure suddenly stopped, as the shadows around them started to creep towards them.
"How are the plans proceeding?" asked a ghostly voice, emanating from the shadows themselves.
"They are going fine - the little complication is being taken care of, as we speak. I... still do not see why I could not solve the problem myse-"
"Silence." The shadows seemed frustrated. "You are needed here. Let the dogs take care of the trespasser."
"O-of course, Master." The tall figure nodded, and the shadows seemed to retreat. The figure unhurriedly continued down the corridor as if nothing had happened.
Back in the Badlands, Feather was sleeping peacefully. Fanta, meanwhile, was being kept awake by Feather's admittedly cute snores. She sighed and crept out of the tent.
Looking up at the stars, she wondered how she was going to beat this Cat Scratching Pole or whatever his name was. She'd had to listen to her companion natter on about the books, her stalking the author, and the details of each trap. She sighed again. The trip had been a torment, but at least she had something to occupy herself with. The journey was long, but she had been considerably less grumpy. She shook her head and grabbed a carrot from her pack, trotting back to the tent.
The next morning, Feather woke up with a carrot inserted into her mouth. She sleepily ate it, then turned to check on her bed-mate. She saw her companion outside, beating the living daylight out of a changeling. Feather nodded, guessed that she had a few more precious minutes to rest, and rolled over in her sleeping bag. Her nap was quickly cut short as an unconscious changeling crashed into the tent, knocking Feather out the other side. She squeaked, fumbling for her glasses and, upon locating them, barely had time to register the changeling warrior speeding towards her. With another squeak she instinctively ducked and the warrior tripped, sailing over her and crashing into what used to be a tent. After a few more minutes of pained yelling, buzzing, and cracking of carapaces, the changelings fled the war machine that was Fanta.
Feather peeked out from under her hooves, to see Fanta standing over her with a blank expression. Feather giggled nervously and stood up.
"Are they all gone?"
"Yep."
"Phew!" She stood up.
"Should we continue? I mean, those changelings were stopping us for some rea-" she looked round to see Fanta already packing the rucksacks.
"Are you even listening to me?"
"Nope."
"But-"
"Help me pack, or I'll leave you to the bugs."
"Ugh, fiiiiine. You're so mean, Fanta."
"Yep. Learn to love it, kid. Learn to love it."
"Don't call me a kid!"
The next morning, they arrived without incident at the borders of the jungle. Feather looked up at the dense foliage of trees and exotic plants.
"Do we reeeaaally have to go in there?"
"Yes, Feather. We do. You said so yourself, this is where Ahuizotl's little fort is, so that's where we're headed."
"What if I told you that his fortress was actually underneath Ponyville?"
"I'd tie you up and leave you here because, if that was the case, we'd have come all this way for nothing." Fanta rolled her eye to look at Feather. "Where's his fort, Feather?"
Feather grumbled and pointed at the heaving green jungle.
"Good. Then let's go." Fanta slipped into the bushes.
"Vamanos, Dora!" Feather muttered under her breath, before following the white mare into the tropical maze.
The jungle was thick and valiant, trying its best to force the pair out of its domain. Fanta, however, didn't care in the slightest and pushed on anyway. Feather was following Fanta, not sure if the jungle or the unicorn were more terrifying. After hours of fighting the waves of humid air and legions of angry vegetation, Feather spoke up.
"Errr, Fanta?"
"Yeah?"
"What're we looking for? You've been staring at the floor this entire time, and not going in any particular direction. It feels like you're looking for something."
"I'm looking for a trap, Feather."
"A trap?"
"A trap."
"Aren't we supposed to avoid those?"
"Mhm. Not this time."
"W-what DO YOU MEAN, 'NOT THIS TIME'!?"
"I mean in this instance, we're looking for- ah. Come stand on this tripwire."
"You're out of your mind!"
"Absolutely. Now, the tripwire?" Feather growled in frustration, stomped over to Fanta and slammed her foot on the tripwire.
"Are you happy, you whacko?!"
A net shot up from under their hooves, scooping them up and leaving them suspended from a tree. Feather awkwardly twisted her head to give Fanta a dark look. Fanta grinned in return, and patted Feather on the head. If Fanta didn't know better, she'd have sworn she heard Feather purr.
A few hours later, Fanta and her accomplice were brought before Ahuizotl. Feather was simultaneously in both the middle of a fangirl moment and a heart attack, and Fanta didn't give a monkey’s about the whole situation. Ahuizotl was having a great time and Daring Do was humming the recent Crystal Empire music hit, 'The Spike-Spangled Banner'.
"Muuuahahahahaa! So, foolish mares, you dared to trespass on my property, and now, you shall pay the price!" Ahuizotl broke into another fit of laughter, suddenly interrupted by a small voice.
"Did you... Um... Mumble mumble..." Fanta looked over at Feather, who was trembling with fright.
"What did you say, little pony?" Ahuizotl leaned in, his eyes narrowed to slits.
"I... I said... I-is this really your property? Like, we weren't aware that this land was owned by any party other than the Crowns, do we didn't know we were trespassing." Feather looked up at Ahuizotl, who was too stunned to speak.
"What do you mean, is this my property? Of course it's my property! I'm the king of the jungle!"
"A-actually, the lion is the king of the jungle." Upon hearing this, the lion (who also happened to have a PHD in business and law) in the corner started to sweat, and slowly backed away.
"Enough of this! Throw them in the dungeon, and throw Miss Do with them!"
'Miss Do' meanwhile, had been thoroughly enjoying Feather's little outburst, stifling her giggles as hard as she could as she was untied and dragged unceremoniously to the dungeon.
"So." Daring picked herself up, and stretched. "Who are you two? I hope you're not more devoted fans."
"I-I'm a fan of your books! But... That's not why we're here." Feather spoke up, then looked at Fanta. "Should you tell her, or should I?"
As Feather recounted their tale, Fanta looked back over their adventure. Feather had grown up so much in the last few days, and Fanta herself had perked up a bit, leaning more on sarcasm than grumpiness. She looked up at Feather and Daring, who were occasionally looking over at Fanta and giggling to themselves, talking in hushed, excited whispers.
She tried not to think about it.
Her single eye trailed over the dungeon walls. She couldn't see any loose tiles, and the door was solid steel. To make matters worse, the guards had confiscated her frying pan.
"Fanta?" She looked round, to see Feather sitting next to her. "Can I ask a question?"
"Sure, why not."
"Why did you let us get captured?"
"So that we could be taken to their base without searching for it."
"Ah."
The dungeon was silent.
"Fanta?"
"What now?"
"Why are you doing this?"
Fanta raised an eyebrow at Feather.
"How do you mean?"
"I mean, why're you going on this whole adventure? You could've easily moved to Canterlot or Fillydelphia, away from those cat-ponies, but instead you try to save Ponyville. Why?"
Fanta looked at Feather with an odd expression. "You sure you wanna know why, kid?"
"Yeah, that's why I asked."
"Oh, right. Um..." Fanta hoofed at the ground.
"I like Ponyville. Well, I don't LIKE like Ponyville, I just dislike it less than everywhere else. Like, Canterlot is full of snobs, and so is pretty much everywhere else. In Ponyville, you can live pretty much anonymously, it's not expensive to live there, and it's pretty stress-free. Except, of course, for that hot pink abomination."
"Did you just say Pinkie was hot?"
"Yeah. I mean, no! NO!!"
Feather wiggled and squealed, rolling around on the dungeon floor.
"Pinkie and Fanta, sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-mmmph!" Feather's mouth was suddenly full of Fanta hoof.
"I MEANT HOT PINK AS IN THE COLOUR, YOU DUMB BLUE HORSE!!" Fanta was going a rather hot shade of pink herself. "How could anyone think that Pinkie is attractive? Who could love those bright blue eyes, that joyfully poofy mane, that always-happy manner that you just can't help but fall in love wi-...." Fanta decided to be quiet, while Feather winked at her.
"Have you two quite finished?" They looked up at Daring, who was tinkering with the door's lock using a chip of marble she had found, probably fallen off the ornate designs on the walls. The door clicked open, and Daring looked at them.
"Do you two want to make out and get it over with, or shall we go?" The pair stood up, one blushing in seething fury, the other gleefully planning a blind date for her companion and her sugary crush.
As the trio snuck down the hall, they could hear Ahuizotl's maniacal laughter from somewhere up ahead. They peeked into every room, but strangely enough, couldn't find any of his minions. Eventually, they stumbled into the Jungle God's own bedroom. They started to search it immediately, looking for clues on beating the mind-cat menace. Daring was looking through some trinkets on a table, Fanta was skimming through tomes, and Feather was bouncing happily on the bed.
"Wheeee~!"
"Feather come and help- Hey, Fanta. Come look at this."
Fanta dropped the tomes in a heap, and trotted over to Daring.
"Hey, they have those in the bigger cities. I think they're called computers. Why would a jungle god have one?"
"No clue, but it gives me a great idea." Daring grinned as she loaded up Hoofle, and typed something into the search bar. Fanta grinned. Feather bounced and took no notice of the two plotting mares.
Ahuizotl's day was going from bad, to great, to terrible. His captives had been reported missing three hours ago and his cat minions couldn't find them anywhere. Even his top hunter tiger, Mr Mumbles, hasn't come up with anything. Suddenly, the room darkened. Sweat trickled down his neck as the shadows enveloped him.
"So... You betrayed me." The ghastly voice spoke from the shadows.
"No, wait! My captives have only just escaped, I can find-... Wait, betrayed?"
"Yesss. Betrayed. You were seeking to overthrow me."
"I-I was not!"
"Oh yeah? Look what I found in your browser history." The computer appeared in the darkness, floating towards Ahuizotl.
"You look at my browser history?! How DARE you!"
"Shut up and look at the screen, traitor." Ahuizotl growled and logged into his Hoofmail account, and accessed his search history. He went pale as he looked at the last few searches. 'How to overthrow boss', 'whack your boss 2', and 'coupe d'état for dummies' were the top three, and the list went on down the page, all similar searches to that one.
"I-I didn't search those, I swear!"
"You always were such a poor liar, Ahuizotl."
A dark, evil presence opened behind Ahuizotl, the gates of Tartarus summoned to claim another victim.
"WAIT! IT WASN'T MEE!"
"Even if you're telling the truth, you have proven yourself useless anyway. Goodbye. Oh, and Ahuizotl?"
The Lord of Cats was clinging to his throne, his grip slipping as he stared into the two bright yellow eyes in the shadows.
"Next time, try turning on private browsing."
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!" The doors slammed shut as Ahuixotl disappeared inside them, and faded away. The shadows lingered for a moment, but slowly retreated into their natural positions.
Meanwhile, in the dungeon across from their original cell, the trip relaxed.
"Now that he's taken care of, the mind-cats will be leaderless!" Feather giggled.
"I must say, Miss Shock[MF7] . Your idea to hide in the cell across was a brilliant one. They'd never think to look for us here." Daring praised.
Fanta yawned. "I'm going home."
"Ooh, would you two like to stay the night at my place?" Daring offered. "It's not too far from here."
Fanta shrugged. Feather's face had gone a deep red, and she nodded enthusiastically.
"Okay, I guess that's settled. Follow me."
Lyra Heartstrings woke up. She groggily groaned, and rolled over. It took her a few minutes to realise she was outside, on the street. She sleepily stood up, and shook her head. To her surprise, a rather shocked-looking purple cat fell out of her mane. She squeaked and backed away from the traumatised feline. Looking around, she saw other ponies pulling identical cats out of their manes, looking at each other in shock. She sighed. Time for yet another Ponyville clean-up. She grimaced, her mouth tasted of cat food. She saw her best friend.
"Hey, Bon Bon! Come give me a hand with all these cats!"
"Don't you mean hoof?"
"Oh! Um, yeah!"
An ivory white pony lay in her soft feather bed. Suddenly, she shot up. Her room was engulfed in dense, sickly shadow, save for the huge silver eye looking down at her. She caught her breath, and calmed herself.
"W-what do you want?"
"Just letting you know your foolish feline-obsessed underling has failed for the last time."
Celestia sighed. "I told you he was unreliable."
"The past is the past." The great eye loomed closer, searching the ivory mare's soul with its unblinking gaze. "Have you given in, my dear? Does your sister know of our... relationship?"
"Luna? No, of course not! A-as long as you leave her alone, she'll never find out."
The darkness rasped and cackled with evil glee. "Oh Celestia, you're so easy to toy with. I'll leave Luna alone. Just hold up your end of the bargain."
Celestia nodded, and the darkness faded back into the shadows. She sighed, and got up. She needed something to take her mind off of her problems. Opening her fridge, she levitated out a bottle of forty-thousand-something year-old red wine.
'Time spells are over-powered.' She thought, as she poured herself a glass.
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 12: Fanta and the Daring Town Hall Heist
Fanta Shock woke up. The sunlight blinded her, and she fell out of bed with a crash. She smiled, missing the familiar burning sensation, before standing up and going downstairs. As she munched on her cereal, she thought over the last few days. Clearing up Ponyville had taken some doing, but all the cats were now locked up. Feather was back in her house, Daring was writing another story in the jungle, and all was right with the world.
This worried Fanta as it meant that inevitably, something bad was going to happen.
She decided to stay indoors today. It was too dangerous out there. If she stayed inside, she might actually get some peace.
She checked around her home, making sure she had no appointments or anything else needing doing. She nodded in satisfaction and picked up the small notebook on her table. This was her logbook. She opened and it and sighed, flicking idly through the blank pages.
Fanta Shock was a mercenary, a hoof for hire. She would lend her skills (mostly grumpy attitudes and drinking cider) to anypony who could afford her. The last job she'd had was saving a kitten from a tree and she'd gotten two bits for her hard work and clawed fuzz.
Fortunately, as she was an on-the job-worker, Ponyville’s council was willing to pay her rent and food for her, so she didn't have to worry about that so much, but she got incredibly bored. It did have the advantage that she could laze around, and therefore she would always be open to work, should Ponyville, or anypony else require her services. After Fanta was put to work a few times, her grumpy attitude was apparently insufferable, and she had been removed from every job she'd been assigned to. Eventually, Ponyville council decided to just leave her alone, and let her be hired by those with darker intentions, such as assassination or robbery. However, she hadn't done a 'job' in months, not counting the school run. She hated having to rely on government money, and really wanted to be employed in her profession of choice(bashing ponies and monsters with frying pans).
She was about to go back to bed when she heard a soft whisper, like a leaf touching the floor after falling off a tree. She instinctively ducked as an crossbow bolt buried itself in the wall above her head with a solid thwack.
She rolled behind her couch, and breathed through her mouth so as not to give away her position. After waiting a few moments, she peeked around the side of the couch, following the bolt's trajectory with her eye until she spied an open window. Cursing to herself, she crawled on her belly, into the kitchen.
A few moments later, a small bush creeped out the back of Fanta's house. It slowly hopped its way down the street, desperately thinking up places to take refuge.
Snuggle Feather woke up. She yawned and propped herself up on some pillows, and petted the cat on her lap.
"C'mon, Dust. Let me free."
Dust looked at Snuggle with a blank expression, then jumped off the bed and slinked out. Feather shook her head and climbed out of bed.
In the kitchen, Feather poured a huge sack of cat food into an equally huge food bowl. A dozen or so cats scampered over, and started their morning meal. Feather got herself some toast. As she sat down, she heard a scratching at her front door.
"Must be Sugar stuck outside, again. I'm coming, sweetie!"
Feather jumped up and trotted to the door, opening it to reveal a piece of shrubbery that seemed to be out of breath.
"I'm sorry, we don't want your business, Mr Bush." Feather started to close the door.
"It's me, you featherbrain!" The bush spoked in a hushed whisper.
"I know who you are, Bush! And I've told you before, your business is not welcome-"
Fanta poked her head out of the bush, looking up at Feather with a very annoyed expression.
"Mr Bush... I can't believe you'd kidnap one of my friends just to satisfy your evil- mmmmph!"
Feather squeaked through Fanta's hoof.
"Would you shush for just a moment? I need somewhere to lay low, and your house is the safest place I can think of."
"Mmmmm. Mmph, mm-mmmph!" Feather muffled happily, dragging Fanta into the house by her hoof.
The bush was abandoned outside, and eventually left to conduct its own business.
Fanta sat on the couch, and was immediately covered by what must have been several million cats. Half an hour of coaxing by Feather and some cat treats later, Fanta just had one remaining on her lap. A jolly little tabby with a love for life, laps, and sleeping. Fanta sighed and petted the happy cat.
"So, why do you need to lay low?"
"I was attacked by an archer today, probably a hired hitmare."
"Why hire a pony to hit themselves?"
"No, they're hired to hit other ponies."
"Oh... Why?"
"Because they're paid to."
"Oh. Who would want to hit you?"
"Let's see, a heretical cult, a bovine demon, that one kid I covered in paint in magic kindergarten, plenty of ponies."
"Paint?"
"He said that I was blank and boring and that he needed more colour in his life."
"Heh, oh. I get it."
"Good. Anyway, I'm hiding out in your... lovely abode, until I can find the hitmare and dispose of them."
"You're going to put them in the trash?"
"Errr... Yeah, let's go with that."
Feather sipped her tea.
"So, what are you going to do? How will you find them?"
"I'm going to act on a hunch, and sneak into town hall to steal the job records on all the local mercenaries I can."
"Isn't that illegal?"
"Yup."
"Is this the part where I try reason with you, knowing it will only make you more determined?"
"No, this is the part where you listen to what I have to say, and do what I tell you."
"How come you get to be the leader?"
"Can you knock out a pony from fifty paces, using only one eye and a ceramic frying pan?"
"No, but-"
"Exactly, now hush and listen to my plan."
Feather grumbled as she trotted towards town square. This wasn't fair, how come she didn't get to be the leader? Mumbling under her breath, she came to a halt in front of town hall, and flopped on the floor, half-heartedly yelling in agony. Mayor Mare rushed out, followed by two guardsponies. She joined the group of ponies around Feather, and leaned over her.
"Are you alright?"
Feather wailed again, and looked up at the Mayor.
This caused a rather enormous uproar, with several mothers carrying Feather on their backs, the mayor running after the crowd in hopes of some good press, and the guardsponies running after the mayor to guard her.
This left town hall and the surrounding area almost completely abandoned.
Fanta waltzed her way over the doors, and slipped inside. She galloped through offices, looking for the main filing room. Eventually, she poked her head into a circular room with tall filing cabinets covering the walls. A little investigation uncovered a reference book in a cupboard, and she opened it with a grin, looking under 'M'.
Meanwhile, Feather had been rather enjoying the whole ordeal, nurses and doctors fauning over her, the citizens and townsponies waiting outside, and a super comfy bed. Eventually, the doctors all had to go and get some results from some machine, as they said they were confused about the lack of baby in Feather. She took this opportunity, as instructed by Fanta, to leave through an open window.
Fanta was buried under a pile of files and getting nowhere. She grumbled, and shoved some pieces of paper out of her way. Only having one eye made reading a slow business, and she was beginning to lose hope. Her hunch was, that in order to pay her rent and whatnot, town hall must keep records of her so they know where to send the funds.
Suddenly, a word caught her gaze.
'GFH'
Gun for hire? She opened it, and after scanning the paper, smiled gleefully, pulling the paper out of the file, rolling it into a tube and securing it with a rubber band. Hiding it under her mane, she fled town hall as quickly as she could.
Feather was quietly snoozing on her couch, buried under several cats. They shot off her in a massive feline explosion when Fanta slammed the front door on her way in.
"So great leader, how did it go?"
"Fine, got the info, left a big mess for the pink terror to clean up."
"Pinkie? How do you know Pinkie does the filing?"
"Cupcake sprinkles, everywhere."
"Ahh." Feather nodded, and curled up for more sleep. Fanta rolled her eyes, and took out the piece of paper to read it again.
'GFH and Mercenaries'
She snorted, and mentally crossed Odd Job off the list. That just left Sharpened Pencil.
"Gotcha. Hey, Feather?"
"Zzzzz..."
"Oh. Right. Never mind."
Celestia combed her flowing mane, looking forward to the sweet promise of sleep.
"Celestia..." A voice echoed around her.
"What do you want?"
"How is the problem being taken care of?"
"I hired a mercenary to take her out."
"Gooood. I hope you picked a good one, I'd hate for your sister to get hurt... Or for our deal to go south."
Celestia forced a smile. "The problem will be taken care of."
"Goood..." The echo faded, and Celestia was alone again. She bowed her head and sighed.
"Luna, what have I done?"
Author's Note
This one took awhile, but I quite enjoyed writing it! Criticisms are welcome. The next chapter will be out in a day or so.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 13: The Game
In a small apartment, located in the east corner of Ponyville, an orange mare with a dirty brown mane was sitting on a dingy couch. She had a thin wooden shaft between her hooves, and was tying a sharp metal spike onto one end. When she had finished, she picked it up in her mouth and deposited it in a specially designed saddlebag, which she could easily reach into while she was wearing it. Her target had slipped away this time, and was likely on the run in Ponyville. This had gone from a standard assassination to a game of cat-and-mouse.
She grinned. She liked games. Especially ones with a payout this big.
In a quaint house in the north corner of Ponyville, two mares were plotting. One of them was Fanta Shock, the grumpiest mare to ever beat a cow-demon to a pulp with a fairly inexpensive frying pan.
Then again, she was probably the only mare to ever do that.
Right now, she was conversing with another mare, Snuggle Feather, a Pegasus with a ridiculous name, a love of cats, and possible ties to the criminal feline underworld. That last one is just a rumour, though.
They were discussing their situation. Fanta could feel something big rushing towards them head on, and Feather was talking about cats.
Fanta was not too fond of cats.
"Anyway, my fourteenth favourite cat species is the- mmmmph!"
"Feather, shush. There is a murderous, bloodthirsty mercenary out there, and I don't care about cats right now."
Feather's eyes welled up with tears. Fanta mentally facehoofed.
"Listen, we know that this Sharpened Pencil has a crossbow, so they can hit us from a distance. Now, crossbows are less and less accurate the further away you get, so they must have been pretty close when they shot at me, but still far away enough to give me a second's warning from the crossbow's bolt whistle, yes?"
Feather nodded.
"Okay, so if they were a unicorn, I would've heard that low note magic auras make at that distance, right? So they can't be a unicorn, which means they won't blast us with magic or anything if it comes to crossbowless combat. It's also important to note that they must have an ammunition limit. They can't carry an infinite number of bolts."
Feather raised her hoof, and Fanta pulled her hoof out of Feather's mouth.
"S-so how are we going to stop them? Like, we can't let them get away, or they'll just make more bolts, right?"
"Right. So we need a way to take them out when they run out of ammo."
"Like, take them out on a date?"
"What? No! They're trying to kill us!"
"Aaaactually, they're only trying to kill you. They don't seem to have any quarrel with me."
Fanta pondered this, and nodded.
"Yup, you're right. You don't have to help if you don't want to."
This was very uncharacteristic of Fanta, and she wasn't sure why she was giving Feather a way out. If it had been anyone else, she would've made them help.
"Nah, you're my friend! Of course I'll help!" Feather smiled happily.
Fanta raised an eyebrow. Friend? What was she, an element of harmony? She shook her head and continued talking.
"Okay, fine. So we're going to need a plan. One that'll stop her in her tracks."
"She's a train?"
"I swear, I will use you as live bait!"
"Eeek!"
A hectic chase around the room ensued, several cats joining in just to enjoy the fun, everyone eventually collapsing in a fuzz heap against the wall.
Feather and all the cats were asleep.
Fanta was pinned under a Pegasus and several cats.
The following morning was a Saturday. It was still very early. A fog had been scheduled for today, and had promptly been delivered. Almost no one in Ponyville was even awake yet.
Almost.
A shadowy mare, face hidden by the thick fog, strolled through the streets.
She walked quickly, but not quickly enough to arouse suspicion from anypony who saw her.
On the other side of town, a mare was speeding through the streets, clearly not caring whether she was seen or not.
Neither mare knew where the other was.
The game had begun.
Fanta ran through Ponyville. She had a plan, but it had to be executed carefully. She reached town square, and dove behind an empty apple cart. Looking around, she could make out some empty crates, the scent of the fresh fruit still clinging to them.
Looking around first, she started breaking it apart, holding up the base of the crate in her magic. It was good quality wood, but not too heavy. She strained slightly, not used to using her magic for anything more than the odd menial task. It was a solid piece of wood, no holes for stray bolts to fly through. Satisfied with her makeshift shield, she stalked her way around the unopened stalls, looking for her stealthy enemy.
She was hoping that Pencil had heard her breaking apart the crate. Then, at least, she would know where her opponent was.
Fanta breathed through her mouth, her sensitive ears flicking to and fro, listening for the dreaded whistle of a bolt. Her ears registered a solid click some distance to her left and she brought up her shield. The bolt buried itself in the apple cart a few feet away from her with a thwack.
The unicorn grinned. She knew where her opponent was, but they didn't know where she was. Another bolt sailed dangerously close to her head, and she silent cursed. Her magic aura must be giving her away. She would have to dispose of it. Gripping the base with her hooves, she tossed it like a frisbee towards her assailant before slipping behind a stack of empty crates.
She heard a smashing noise in the distance, indicating that she had missed her target. Another bolt dug into the ground where Fanta had been. Pencil was a good shot, she'd give her that.
Making her way quietly back onto the streets, Fanta ducked around a corner as another bolt sailed past her. Taking off, Fanta ran down the street. She had to test a theory. Dodging another bolt and running into an alleyway, Fanta waited on the other side, concealed by a barrel. She picked up a small pebble and threw it at another barrel on the other side of the street, the contact resonating with a hollow thump. A muffled complaint came from the barrel, and another pony, blueish in hue, crawled out.
At that moment, Fanta's attacker rushed through the alleyway, and upon spotting the other mare (who was Feather, acting as live bait), sat down on her haunches and brought up her crossbow. Feather squealed and took off flying.
The armed mare (presumably Pencil) watched Feather go up and shrugged, placing her weapon in her mouth and slinking down the street.
Fanta grinned. Pencil didn't have magic, and just as Fanta had suspected, she didn't have wings (Fanta had checked as the mercenary ran past her barrel). Which means she was an earth pony. An earth pony that had a hoof-operated crossbow, meaning that she couldn't fire while moving. She had to sit down to aim and fire.
Fanta followed Pencil, mulling over this new Information and hoping Feather remembered the rest of the plan.
Feather, on the other hand, was still shaking from almost dying by crossbow. She hated this plan, but she'd promised Fanta she would do her best and Feather did not break a promise. She flew back into the middle of town. The fog had cleared a little, but not much. Making a forty five degree turn towards the sky, she eventually bumped into the most important part of the plan that she and Fanta had stolen last night, hovering above the market square.
Down below, Fanta was choosing a nice, sturdy crate. She started tearing it apart, making as much noise as she could. Hearing a click, she brought up the remains of the crate to block the crossbow bolt that angrily buried itself into the wood. Peering into the grey fog, Fanta could make out the distinct shape of Pencil, walking confidently through the grounded cloud. Pencil stopped about 30 metres away from Fanta, sat on her haunches, and raised her crossbow.
"Any last words, Miss Shock?" Pencil grinned.
"Yes, actually. FEATHER, NOW!!"
Pencil fired, Fanta bringing up the crate to block the bolts. Seconds later, there was an almighty crash, along with a honking noise reminiscent of a piano's keys being pounded by a steamroller.
Fanta looked round the makeshift shield, and sighed in relief.
"Alright Feather, phase three!" She called up to Feather, who yelled an acknowledgment and drove the air van back to the mail depot.
Pencil opened her eyes. She then immediately closed them to block out the brightness of the white ceiling. She could hear a sharp beeping now, but she was having trouble smelling anything, like there was something over her muzzle. Hearing another sound, like a muffled singing, she opened her eyes slowly. Her eyesight adjusted, and she could see the stallion in a lab coat looming over her with a warm smile.
"Hello Miss Pencil, you gave us quite a scare!"
Pencil muffled a response, the doctor picking up on the confused tone in her voice, though he could not understand the words.
"Miss Pencil, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you were involved in a terrible accident. Some hooligans stole a mail van - you know, the one the Pegasi use to deliver heavy packages? They flew over town market and dropped a grand piano on you. If two mares hasn't found you and brought you here, you'd be in even worse shape." He gestured to somepony in the room. A white unicorn and a blue pegasus stepped forward, their faces painted with worry.
"Will she be alright, doctor?" The unicorn asked, her voice gravelly and stricken with concern.
"She will be fine - she's broken a lot of her bones, so she'll need to stay in hospital for a few months, I reckon. She will, however, make a full recovery." The doctor smiled. "Would you three like some time alone?"
The unicorn and pegasus nodded, the earth pony tried to shake her head, but to no avail. The doctor left.
Fanta and Feather stood either side of Pencil. Fanta removed the bandages covering Pencil's mouth, allowing her to talk.
"Who sent you to hit my friend?" Feather asked, a bit more aggressive than usual.
"I-I don't know! I just got a letter, offering me 400 bits for your assassination, along with a document that said you are an enemy of the state! I don't know any more than that!" Pencil knew there was no point hiding anything, now that she was at their mercy.
Fanta tapped her chin, and nodded.
"Mm, well we would prefer if you didn't come shooting after us again - showing my superiority as a combatant is tiring." She turned to leave. "Come on, Feather."
Feather trotted after Fanta, and Pencil was eventually left alone.
She growled angrily through her bandages. No one had ever humiliated her like these two had. She had the advantage in almost every regard, those numbskulls weren't even armed! And yet they'd sentenced her to months of imprisonment in a nice, clean hospital!
"I'll get you for this, Fanta. Mark my words." She muttered under her breath, as the doctor came back in.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 14: A Saucer of Moonlight
Between this world and the next, there is a short gap. In this gap, things lurk that would drive normal ponies mad. Dark creatures of evil, and beautiful beings capable of wreaking havoc on a universe unlike any other.
Nightmare Moon is an example of one of the dark entities slipping through the gap. It used Luna as a host for its evil work, before being banished back to the gap by the Elements of Harmony.
A beam of light searched through the gap, spirits and creatures fleeing before its blinding gaze. All fled except one. It stared into the light, an evil grin spreading across what some might call its face.
"You're back. Is the host still alive?"
Another creature descended, the white light blinking out. "She's alive. Not happy, however. Soon that meddlesome unicorn will be dead and we'll be free to take over the living world."
"I have no faith in that mercenary. We should kill her ourselves."
"We went through thi-"
"WE DON'T HAVE TIME. THE FUTURE DOESN'T LIE. We must kill Fanta before she ends us!"
"... Fine. You can have your way. I'll leave it with you, but I’m warning you: if you fail, it's on your head."
"I won't fail."
Fanta looked around her new room. She had just finished unpacking, and patted her bed.
"... Smells of cat."
She turned around. There were three cats standing in her doorway, staring at her. She smirked. "Aww, poor little puss-puss can't get through the anti-cat wards! Who's a dumb little ca-"
One of the cats held up a match, tucked into its tail. Fanta stared.
"... What are you-"
The cat lit the match on the wall, looking at Fanta with the innocence you'd expect of a pyromaniacal feline.
".... I will tell Feather."
The cats looked at each other. The one with the match blew it out, and all three disappeared down the stairs.
"I live in a house with about half a million furry psychopaths, and one horse who adores every one of them. Why did I think this was a good idea?"
Fanta had moved into Feather's house, for safety purposes. After the attack by Pencil, she'd not wanted to take chances.
"Faaaantaaaaaaa!"
Fanta groaned. "What do you want?"
"It's breakfast time!"
Fanta's uncovered eye blinked, and she yelled down the stairs, "IT IS EIGHT O'CLOCK AT NIGHT, YOU MORON!"
"It is?" A few seconds elapsed. "Ohhh, it is! Early breakfast time!"
Fanta slammed her door and went to bed.
She woke up. Something had woken her up. After years of almost dying, she had developed a sort of early warning instinct just before something exploded, threw pointy things at her, or possessed her.
And, variably, all of the above.
She threw herself towards the door, smashing through it and curling up on the floor.
A few seconds passed, and she opened her eye. ".... Guess it was a false alar-" and then her bed was vaporised in a blazing white explosion, along with her bedroom and several knives she'd concealed in the wallpaper. She blinked in disbelief as she heard someone mutter, in a deep and echoing voice, "Damn, I missed."
She took off running, barging into Feather's room, scooping up the sleeping Pegasus, and launching them both out of a window with seconds to spare, as the top floor of Feather's house was blown into matchwood. The pair picked themselves up, groaning gently.
"Fanta.. Are you my marefriend?" Feather burbled groggily.
"No, you featherbrain! We're being attacked by..." She looked up. She stared. Then she threw Feather as far as she could, and tossed herself the opposite way as a smouldering crater appeared where they had been standing. "We're being attacked by an Alicorn!" Feather woke up as she heard this, and the pair began their frantic run through Ponyville.
They weaved in and out of back alleys and through gardens, beams of deadly magic following them wherever they ran, erupting flower patches and obliterating everything from fences to cottage walls. Though it was early in the morning, nopony stirred in the wrecked houses. Fanta banged on a few doors with her hoof, but got no answer. Even the sounds of wanton magical destruction weren't enough to move Ponyville from its slumber. The pair eventually gained sufficient ground on their attacker to take cover underneath a lean-to. Feather panted, out of breath. Even Fanta was worn out, she'd never had to run from an Alicorn before.
"Wh-what do we do? We can't take on an Alicorn!" Feather groaned. "And why won't anypony wake up?"
Fanta pondered this, as the violent creature tore through Ponyville looking for them.
"I think it put everyone to sleep."
"Why would it do that? Can't Alicorns blow up cities with their scary magic?"
"Yes... I think I have an idea of how to fight it."
"You do? How?! It's magical and glowing! You can't even look at it for more than a few seconds!"
"Trust me. Now, here's my plan. You know that kitchen decor shop on Hoof Street..?"
The Alicorn vaporised a row of carts with its magic. "WHERE ARE YOU?!"
"Over here, twinkle horn!"
The rage-filled creature looked down at the trembling blue Pegasus on the ground below. "Can'tcatchmehahahaha!" The terrified Pegasus took off running. The Alicorn rolled its glowing eyes. They surely didn't think it would be stupid enough to fall for that? Whatever the case, the annoying blue thing would likely lead it to a feeble trap, where Fanta must be. The Alicorn took off after the Pegasus, lazily following it from the sky, a smug smirk across its blinding white lips.
Fanta, meanwhile, was in the Ponyville schoolhouse. "Where the blazes is it.. Come on.. Ah!" She picked up a circular cutout. "Perfect."
Feather was not having a good morning. She had not had any tea, the cottage was now a bungalow, and there was a god-like creature with unimaginable power chasing her through the streets of Ponyville. She wondered how the hay she'd got into this mess as she neared the trap location, the sun peeking over the top of the distant mountains.
She ran into the kitchen decor shop, slamming the door behind her.
Above, the Alicorn raised an eyebrow. Was Fanta in there? It charged the magic in its horn, ready to reduce the shop to ground level, when she heard a shout behind her. "Oi! Moony!" The Alicorn whirled around, just in time to see the irritating Pegasus behind it, holding a huge cardboard cut-out of the moon. The Alicorn faltered, something deep and unwelcome inside it stirring. As it was so distracted, it had no way of stopping the 200 miles-per-hour cherry red no-stick base titanium frying pan from making quick, brutal, painful contact with the back of its head.
Author's Note
Ernagersh finally done.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 15: Fanta Takes Manehattan
Ponyville was in a state of distress. At 3am in the morning, everypony had suddenly woken up. Princess Luna was discovered a few minutes later, lying unconscious in the middle of a street, next to a cardboard cut-out of a moon. She had been rushed to the hospital, and Celestia had been discreetly summoned by Twilight. Nopony could work out what had happened and the only two ponies who'd been there had travelled to Manehattan before anypony had realised they were gone...
The apartment was dingy.
Fanta did not mind, it was infinitely nicer than the boxcar she'd used to travel here in, but it still felt... unclean. Feather really didn't like it, and was spraying bleach all over the walls in an effort to remove the sticky black marks that called the apartment their home but to no avail.
She sighed and stared angrily at the marks. Fanta felt something, a tiny twinge somewhere inside her that demanded to be heard. She thought back for a moment to some brochures Feather had slipped into the box during their ride to Manehattan. She groaned internally, and cursed herself for feeling bad for Feather, then spoke up. "We... Could go... To a carnival?"
Feather squeed, and bounced up and down, somehow nodding at the same time without her head falling off. Fanta rolled her eyes, and pulled her out the door. They were careful to avoid main roads, no wanting to attract too much attention. They alley they were going through suddenly opened up into a flamboyant world of ecstatic colour.
Manehattan carnival was in full swing. Huge floats trundled through the streets, music blaring everywhere. Ponies crowded to see the floats, and just as many flowed through the stalls lining the roads. Local businesses both big and small were showing off their goods to anypony who stopped to look.
Fanta and Feather kept away from the floats (mostly because Feather had a distaste for loud music), and walked around the stalls instead. Feather impulsively bought everything with sugar on it, and Fanta kept a look out for ponies who'd want to do her harm.
She was not expecting Feather to suddenly pull her into a tent, to be welcomed by the kind of voice Fanta knew all too well - the voice of a shrink. "Welcome to Manehattan psychology and therapy, how may we help you?" Fanta cringed, and shot a questioning, desperate glance at Feather, who pointed at a sign that said, "free therapy sessions!" Fanta cursed the universe under her breath, something she would later admit was not a smart move.
The pair eventually made it to the second floor. They checked out each door. Each had a "do not disturb" sign hanging on it, except for two at the end of the corridor.
Fanta and Feather looked up at the two doors, each with a gold name plaque. Feather stepped through the left door, which left Fanta with the door on the right. The name plaque read, 'Sigmare Freud'. Fanta grumbled, angry that Feather had talked her into this, and barged in without knocking. The office was exactly what you'd expect from a business like this - not too small, not too large. The wood panelling on the walls and the red carpet made it feel comfortable, but not too familiar. The furniture was all wood - Fanta couldn't see a single metal object in the entire place, save of course, the hands of the clock, which ticked at a volume level that was loud enough to be heard, but you only heard it if you wanted to hear it. There was a single potted plant, with an immaculately clean pot and shiny, healthy leaves. This office wasn't decorated, it was crafted. Crafted by ponies who knew exactly how to get inside somepony's mind.
And it was empty. Fanta was about to leave, when the door opened behind her. "Hello, Miss Shock."
Feather settled into the lounge chair, grateful for the rest. The stallion sat at the desk looked on with distaste as Feather's hooves, sticky from eating free food, rested on the spotless lounger. He resisted the temptation to sigh. "Hello there. May I ask your name, Miss?"
"I'm Feather! Though you can call me Snuggle if you prefer." Feather wiggled happily in the chair. Last time she'd done this was with Pinkie, and it was great fun! She'd never even known about her secret obsession for raspberry cupcakes until Pinkie had shown her!
The stallion rolled his eyes, and leant forward. "How long have you had these feelings of... Anxiety?" He murmured, as his horn silently lit up.
"Anxiety? But I feel... Fine... I guess..." Feather's ears drooped, her lips slowly curved downwards. The stallion grinned, his horn going out.
"How do you know my name?!" Fanta span around, poised and ready for battle.
"How do you know me?"
"Oh, where do I begin? You wouldn't believe how few ponies wear eyepatches. And there was the business with the cultists, wasn't there? The Royal Guard is keeping things all hush-hush, but my sources have told me that you were directly involved. Something to do with a mysterious door?" Fanta silently glowered. "My point is, you are by no means unknown." Freud tapped her lips thoughtfully. "I understand you do not use magic?"
Fanta leaned forward, a slight smile on her lips. "Why do I fight, Miss Freud? Because I want to live."
"Freud, have you heard of the term, 'survival of the fittest?'"
"Of course."
"It's garbage."
"Oh?" Freud leaned forward with interest.
"Maybe in the Everfree, survival of the fittest makes sense. But not in Equestria. In this land, to survive, you must help. Tirek's brother helped us, we survived and he gained many new friendships. Celestia rainbowed Nightmare Moon, she suffered for 1,000 years. To survive, you must be cruel. To live, you must fight, and not just for yourself. Plus..." Fanta leant back on the chair. "Fighting is fun. Often tedious, but mostly fun."
"I see... You fight for your friends. How noble."
"Friend. And she'd get herself killed if I didn't save her, she's a complete dimwit."
"I see." Freud smiled.
Fanta blanched. She'd done it again; been opened up by a pinch. On one hoof, she admired Freud. The mare was smart. She knew how to get under a pony's skin.
On the other hoof, she wanted to throw the therapist through the window. She decided it would be best to leave. She got to her hooves. "Well, this has been lovely and all, but I must be going."
Freud tilted her head. "So soon?"
Fanta nodded, making for the door. "I... Have a train to catch." She slammed the door behind her before Freud could argue. Feather wasn't in the corridor. She knocked on the door that Feather had gone through. No response. Worry brushed her mind, as she listened.
She heard something. She backed up a few metres. Then she charged.
Feather was scared. Anxiety flooded her mind, her limbs shaking as sweat dropped off them. Her vision was going grey. Life felt meaningless. Worthless. Why did she bother? Nopony really liked her. She was annoying. Impulsive. Deadweight.
And the door came off its hinges, taking the stallion with it, as well as his desk, and going straight through the back window, three stories until the mass of stallion and expensive wood hit the floor. Fanta paid no attention, she had grabbed Feather, and was searching her eyes for signs of life. "Are you okay? What happened?" She frantically whispered.
Feather sniffled. "I feel... So sad... Please help me... P-please..."
Fanta scooped up Feather, and ran.
"She will okay." The doctor looked up from his clipboard. "She was mentally affected by magic - a particularly nasty dark magic. Opened up anxiety, depression, all sorts of nasty mind bugs. She'll be fine, but keep an eye on her. She needs to rest."
"I'm alright... Feeling a bit like... I was invaded. It's scary. I thought I got rid of my anxiety long ago, Fanta." Feather hugged her knees.
Fanta patted her. "Anxiety can pop up when we least expect it. Just don't let it beat you, Feather. You are always stronger than your anxiety." Feather nodded in response. Fanta inwardly cringed, steeling herself. "Feather, I'm here for you. I'm your frie-" she was cut short by Feather's hug. "... There, there." She patted her friend's back. "Come on, before the doctor comes back and I have to hit him hard enough to give him short-term memory loss. Plus..." Her smile twisted into an evil grin. "We've Gotta rack up some property damages."
On the other side of Manehattan General Hospital, a unicorn calmly listened as her injuries were discussed with her by a nurse, who eventually told her that she was free to go, as long as she replaced the ice pack regularly, and didn't sleep for a few hours. Freud nodded, thanked the nurse, and left. She took the next cab back to the carnival. She went into the 'free therapy' tent, and stepped into the now-empty reception. She made her way back to her office and sighed as she passed the ruined therapy room. Sitting at her desk, she reached into a file and pulled out a sheet of paper.
'Award of Excellence, Freud's Mental Institute and Research. 100% patient recovery success rate.' The paper read.
Freud picked a spare pair of spectacles out of a drawer, her face expressionless as she picked up the phone. "I'm sorry, Miss Shock. But you and your friend can't tell anypony about our secret." She dialled a number, pondering what she should have for tea.
Feather and Fanta were still sat in hospital. The doctors didn't want the pegasus to be moved yet, and Fanta had offered to stay. Feather was currently asleep, and Fanta was reading a newspaper. The headline read: 'OFFICE MYSTERIOUSLY EXPLODES! Magical Battle or Invisible Angry Bear?!'. Fanta snorted, and looked up as the doctor came in.
"Yeah?"
"There's a stallion here to see you, he says it's important."
Fanta paused. "Doc? If I go see this pony, would you mind staying with Feather?"
The doctor nodded. "Sure."
Fanta stepped into the foyer. Her fur bristled. There was a doctor in the corner, his back to her. There was a nurse behind a desk, and the stallion she'd heard about, standing in the middle of the room. "Ahhh, Miss Shock."
"What do you want?"
"This."
The stallion lunged forward, a concealed knife slicing through the air. Fanta wheeled back, bringing a hoof up to clock him in the jaw. He stumbled, and fell back. The doctor and the nurse stood up, both wielding knives. The trio growled at Fanta, advancing slowly.
Fanta sighed. At least it wouldn't be hard to get them medical treatment afterwards.
The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
The street in front of Manehattan General Hospital was quiet. A few ponies meandered past, a group of friends having a night out.
One down, two to go.
Fanta swung her hind hooves up into a roundhouse kick, sending the mare over the reception desk and into a wall. The other stallion lunged with a knife but Fanta grabbed his arm and threw him over her shoulder into a shelving unit. Fanta could hear the mare coming up behind her. She grabbed a trolley full of empty plates, swung it around and sent it flying full force into the mare, giving her a first class trip through some double doors and into a vacant operating room. The mare crashed into the operating table and went limp.
Fanta turned to face the last pony. He jumped at her. Too slow. Fanta sidestepped and sent her hoof straight into the side of his head, knocking him out like a lamp. He fell to the floor.
Panting, Fanta looked around. Wouldn't be long until somepony meddled, so now would be a good time to make a getaway. She ran back to Feather's room, and greeted the doctor. "Doc, there's a medical emergency in the foyer, you should get there quick!" The doctor sped off like lightning and Fanta scooped up the confused Pegasus. "We're getting out of here."
The sun rose over Manehattan. Freud was sitting in her office, sipping a cup of tea, calmly eyeing the headliner on the newspaper. 'MYSTERIOUS BEAT-UP AT HOSPITAL - GANG WAR GONE TOO FAR?" She contemplated this, reading the article.
Freud nodded. She set her glasses on her desk. She knew exactly how this was going to play out. She started to sort through her files for the day. Fanta wouldn't go to the police. This had become a personal matter to both of them, and Fanta would want to settle this herself. She would probably leave Feather at their apartment for safety. And that is her first mistake.
Freud allowed herself a smile, and got down to work.
Rubber Glove was tired.
She was the cleaner for the first and second floor at Sigmare Freud's mental institute and it was a tough job. The ponies who worked there only wanted the best when it came to office cleanliness.
Fanta made sure that the rope was secure and donned the clothes of the poor cleaner. She stepped out of the cleaning cupboard, pulling a heavy trolley after her, piled high with plastic bottles and brushes. She made her way to the goods lift, and pressed 'up'.
The lift stopped and Fanta pushed the trolley out. She slowly lugged it across the hall, passing the cordoned-off remains of the office were Feather was attacked and finally reaching Freud's door. She knocked.
"Come in."
Fanta kicked the door in, knocking the stallion standing behind it out cold. He fell to the floor and a burly pegasus mare sprang, only to be sent flying upwards by a swipe from a mop. She whacked her head on the ceiling, fell to the floor and lay still.
Fanta calmly placed the mop back on the trolley, and faced Freud.
"Cut it! Explain to me what the heck you're pulling here, before I knock your lights out."
"... Very well. We have about twenty minutes, then you must leave."
"Why so little time?"
"Because, in twenty minutes, I am going to put a crossbow bolt through your friend's head."
"If you haven't left the building in twenty minutes, I won't be able to stop the sniper from firing at your friend, will I?"
Fanta growled. "Tell me what the hay you did to my friend, Freud."
"A simple spell; it increases anxiety and depression in the brain. It works easiest on pegasi, interestingly. Most of my patients are pegasi."
Fanta snarled. "And what do you expect me to do? Nothing?!"
Freud smiled. "No. You have a strong sense of justice. So, you know that your friend ending up dead would be... Highly unfair. If you want to keep her alive, then you will stay very, very quiet."
Fanta glowered. "I'll get you for this, Freud."
"Please, don't forget to close the door on your way out."
Fanta growled audibly all the way down the stairs, scaring the reception staff as she passed them. As soon as she was out of the building, she smirked. Reaching into the knotty mess of her mane, she pulled out a small camcorder. Sure, the actual video would be mostly crimson hair, but as long as the audio was intact. She started running.
Freud looked at the radio on her desk. She sighed. It was unlikely that Fanta would take her seriously. She would have to take out both of them. She almost felt bad. The Pegasus had about three minutes to live, and Fanta would join her soon after.
Two minutes.
Fanta screeched to a halt. The police station looked very quiet. Looking around, she looked for a way in. Finding one, she started doing some stretches.
Officer Dimple was a simple stallion. Happily married, with two adopted foals. He was waiting for his shift to end so that he could celebrate his fifth anniversary with his husband. He had a plan that involved buckets of petals and a romantic movie. He smiled fondly.
Occupied as he was, he was completely unprepared for the taxi cart that smashed through the double doors of the police station, landing more or less in front of him. After the initial shock, he and his fellow officers separated, looking for a culprit. Dimple was the only pony to notice the camcorder, tucked into the seat. "Hey, guys! Look at this!" He gingerly picked up the camera. "There's something on it... Listen!"
A few seconds later, a crossbow fired. It was a remarkable weapon - a Prejudice MK II vine-wired bow with a stainless steel spring, with an accurate firing range of 127 metres. This particular weapon had been outfitted with a short range scope. The bolt, a smooth varnished wood bolt with a polished iron tip, whipped through the air, straight through the window of a room in an apartment block on the other side of the street. It pierced the blankets of a bed, straight into a lump that clearly had yellow and black hair poking out. The lump lay still.
The sniper, an experienced stallion who worked for one of the many Manehattan gangs, smiled. Tonight was an easy job. He liked the easy ones. He turned around just in time to duck under the white hoof aimed at the back of his head. He jumped, putting distance between himself and his attacker. "You! You're the mare I'm supposed to hit next!"
"Sorry hun - you're not hitting anyone tonight." Fanta grinned. The sniper tilted his head in confusion, before a sharp pain stabbed through his skull, and he fell to his knees. The next few seconds were a dull blur. He heard voices. ".... No, no, no! You didn't hit him hard enough, you blue flapping moron! Like this!"
And then he was out.
The Ponyville Express chugged through the countryside. Fanta and Feather sat across from each other. Fanta was reading a newspaper. Feather was trying to unwrap a lollipop. And she was failing.
"...... Faaantaaa?"
"No."
"You don't even know what I was going to ask!"
"You want me to open your lollipop wrapper."
Feather tapped her hooves together. "Actually, I was wondering something. I know Freud got caught and all..." She gestured to the headliner of Fanta's paper, 'THERAPY SCAM REVEALED'.
"But?"
"But... Why? Why did she run a company like that?"
Fanta put down the paper, and sighed. "Feather, some people are jerks. Remember the guy who shot the dummy of you in the apartment?" Feather nodded. "Well, he's a jerk. Freud's a jerk. They just use others for their own gain."
Feather nodded, and thought about this. "I'm glad you're my Friend, Fanta."
"Why? Is it that I'll beat up anyone in my way?"
Feather shook her head. "No. You're just nice. You may not admit it 'cuz you wanna act tough, but you're nice."
Fanta hmm'd. Then she smiled. "Thanks, Featherbrain."
"No problem, Fantastic!"
"CALL ME THAT AGAIN AND YOU'RE GOING OUT THE WINDOW."
Freud looked around her cell as the door closed behind her. Bare walls. Simple bed. She looked down at the handcuffs on her hooves. None of this bothered her.
What bothered her was that she felt angry. After almost eleven years of feeling barely any emotion, anger felt like a cold shower. It overwhelmed her. She needed to escape. She needed to exact her revenge on the foolish filly who had dared tussle with her.
"Enjoy your life, Miss Shock. You don't have much of it left." She allowed herself a tiny, malicious smile. "Not much left at all..."
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The Misadventures of Fanta Shock
Chapter 17: Fanta's Fright on Nightmare Night!
Nightmare night. One of ponykind's most celebrated holidays, full of sweets and spooks and, more often than not, a friendship problem.
Ponyville was busy. The mayor was wearing her rainbow wig, Fluttershy was hiding in her cottage, and Twilight and her chums were in the castle, bobbing for their own apples and swapping ghost stories.
The rest of Ponyville was gathered in the town centre. Every year, something new and fantastical was introduced to the Nightmare Night celebration. One year Granny Smith's scary maze took the biscuit, and another year it was the unforgettable participation of Princess Luna. This year, two rather unwelcome ponies had shown up to strut their stuff. Ponyville looked at the creamy-yellow stallions with suspicion. Flim and Flam were known for their con-jobs, fooling ponies into buying truly useless products, or using dirty tricks to beat out the competition. This year, however, they seemed more confident than ever. The crowd gathered around town hall, staring at the two unicorns and their spooky surprise, currently obscured from view under a sheet. The crowd was quietly murmuring, all except for a unicorn and a Pegasus, at the back of the throng.
Fanta Shock hated Nightmare Night. It was a holiday all about gathering candy and giving it to a statue, or sharing it amongst your friends, or giving it to kids. She strongly believed this to be a waste of perfectly good food, and besides, she hated sharing. And kids.
In short, she hated this holiday.
Feather, on the other hand, was the larger equivalent of a filly constantly on a sugar rush. She was solely responsible for Fanta being here, who had only agreed to come because she knew that Feather would direct all the younger ponies to her newly-rebuilt house for snacks if she didn't. For the occasion, the Pegasus had dressed as a sheep.
"Do we really need to be here?" Fanta growled.
The Flim Flam brothers tapped a microphone, to get the attention of their audience. "Welcome!" Said Flim.
Fanta didn't like this. Even Feather seemed cautious. The rest of the crowd seemed subdued, or shocked. Flim's horn lit up, flicking some kind of internal mechanism to activate the creature. The eyes flicked on, blue dots in the eye sockets. Steam flowed from the nostrils, as it lifted its head to stare at the crowd with lifeless eyes. It slowly, deliberately leaned forward, the jaw lowering, as if to speak...
The next few hours were much the same as any other Nightmare Night. Foals and ponies went around for candy, and the robot pony waddled around. Colts ran up to it, it would say "boo" in its pathetic voice, and they would squeal with delight and run away for a few minutes, before doing it all again.
Fanta watched the automaton as it played. It was just a huge toy, why did it bother her so? She couldn't ignore the itching feeling that it was... Wrong, somehow. She shrugged to herself, grabbed Feather and pulled her out of the wooden apple-bobbing tub, preventing her from drowning for the third time that evening.
The robot pony stared at Fanta. It had no conscience, no thoughts of its own. A useful vessel in any amount of ways. It kept staring at Fanta, a line of programming peeking out of its core files, implementing itself and triggering a new set of commands. The robot's eyes flashed, the new program asserting itself. The sensors in the horn brushed over Fanta, silently confirming her identity. The eyes flicked to a bright red.
Then it crouched.
Feather was not listening to Fanta. Nightmare Nights were for fun, not being yelled at! So what if she drowned, there were at least three lifeguards in the town square!
Then she remembered that they weren't really lifeguards, and felt very silly.
Fanta grumped as Feather plastered her with "yes, I will be more sensible next time" and "of course, how silly of me". She knew the Pegasus wasn't listening. She toyed with the idea of locking Feather in a box next year, when something inside her head clicked, and she ducked.
Something large and silver sailed over her head, straight into the 'Nightmare Night kiss-the-mayor booth'.
Fortunately the booth was never popular, and the mayor was bobbing for apples elsewhere.
Fanta pulled Feather up, and both of them turned to face the next evil creature that needed a frying pan to the face. Fanta was not at all surprised when the robot rose from the rubble, and was already in the process of delivering a flying kick sandwich when it moved its head aside. Fanta made hard contact with the rubble of the ruined booth, breaking it up even further. She span around, angry that she had missed. The flying kick never missed. The robot stood, facing her. Both combatants were prepared to fight to the death.
Feather rolled her eyes at the needless drama, and chucked the tub full of water over the robot, expecting it to fizz and fall over, so that she could have her candy already.
It didn't fizz. It didn't fall over.
"Feather, get everypony away. I'll handle this." Fanta yelled, as she stared down the evil machine. It gazed at her with those emotionless red eyes. She sprung, her movements a blur as her hind hooves swung up, ready to deliver a freshly made roundhouse double kick to the robot's face.
Her hooves connected, but it was like hitting a solid steel wall. She yelped in surprise as the resultant force flung her backwards, onto her back. With a smooth hop, she was back on her feet, just in time to register and avoid the steel hoof driving towards her head. The next few seconds seemed like years, with kick after kick being delivered, both opponents dodging attack after attack. Ponies had gathered to watch the deadly contest, silently observing with bated breath. Both fighters got in some solid hits, and it wasn't long until a visible injury was made. A graze on Fanta's cheek, made by the vicious horn of her attacker. She took a backwards jump to give herself some space, panting heavily, as the seemingly unharmed robot stared at her, devoid of all emotion. She may have only taken a scrap on the cheek, but her body ached from the metal machine's attacks.
Logic circuits.
Fanta ran. She ran faster than she had ever run before, because she knew that her pursuer didn't tire and could probably make Rainbow Dash look bad in a hoof race. She ducked as the automaton dived at her again, those hard hooves sailing millimetres over her skull. She quickly turned down an alleyway on her right, a shortcut to the fountain.
Feather grabbed the basket of toy spiders, and started flying towards the fountain. She longingly gazed at Apple-bobbing tubs below her, but she shook her head and flew on.
Beat robot now. Get candy later.
The robot skidded to a halt. Fanta stood in front of the fountain, a tired smirk on her face. Tin Mare lowered itself, preparing to charge.
The robot twitched. It clicked a few times, its voice burbled, and it fell to the ground, the electronic life gone from its body. Smoke billowed from its nostrils, and sparks flew from under the frying pan buried deep, deep inside the monster's mechanical skull.
Fanta grinned, panting as she nursed her wounds. "Guess your logic circuits couldn't handle so much rubbish, eh? Heheheh..." Feather helped her up.
".... That's really dumb, Fanta."
"Hey, it worked!"
Flim and Flam sighed. They hated Ponyville. They always ended up in trouble, this time they'd even gotten themselves arrested.
And subtly stole the key, later dropping it in Ponyville lake.