“Please forgive me, your highness! I didn’t meant to make that rack of armor fall, honest! I’ll do anything you ask of me! Just don’t execute or exile me, please! I have a wife and three fillies!” Ink Binder lowered himself to the ground, his eyes filled to the brim with tears of remorse. The sight was so pitiful, it took everything in Princess Celestia’s power to stifle an exasperated sigh.
This marked the fifth pony to beg for mercy today. Ink Binder was tasked with transporting a set of books to her personal library, when one of the cart’s wheels broke, causing it to swerve and topple a rack of Royal Guard armor. All of this occurred, just as Celestia had turned the corner, to witness the mishap. She knew that it was just an accident, but Ink Binder thought otherwise--he acted like he’d just committed a heinous, unforgivable crime and was now at the solar matriarch’s mercy. Sighing inwardly, Celestia forced a smile, in an attempt to reassure the sobbing pony.
“The day I punish one of my subjects for something as trivial as accidentally knocking over some armor, is the day I decide to eat my own crown.” she lifted Ink Binder’s chin, her voice warm and soothing. “I’m not going to punish you in any way, shape, or form. All is forgiven, my little pony.”
Ink Binder exhaled in relief, the consolation washing over him like a tidal wave. He wiped the tears from his eyes and rose to his feet, his hooves holding firm now.
“Thank you so much, your highness, you won’t regret this!” he backed away from her, bowing his head on the way out the door. Once the door shut, Celestia allowed a frustrated sigh to bypass her lips.
“What did I do to deserve this?” she muttered to herself. The solar princess slipped into her bedroom, closing the door behind her and leaned against it. She sighed, removing her crown to examine it. Staring into her own reflection, Celestia spotted the frown creeping on her features.
Why must my subjects all fear me?
That was the question she’d been asking herself many times now. Just what happened to her subjects? Every time a guard misplaced their spear, or a gardener trimmed the plants too much, or if one of her advisers accidentally bumped Philomena’s cage, Celestia would have to endure minutes, even hours on end, of grovelling, pleading, and begging. She just didn’t understand it; she took no pleasure in seeing her subjects ridicule themselves in front of her, sacrificing their dignity and self-respect over what she considered to be minor offenses, at best.
Celestia sighed once again. She’d wished that some of her friends from long ago, or even her sister, were still around today, just to have some semblance of a normal conversation with. None where she was portrayed as a deity or a royal figure, but just... normal. The memory of Luna caused Celestia’s heart to ache. Her forceful banishment of her own flesh and blood still lingered on her mind from time to time. She tried not to dwell on that fateful night, but she could not help but think about Luna at every dusk and dawn. The mere sight of the moon shook Celestia to the core with grief and sorrow, ranging from long silences to tearful outbursts.
Her train of thought screeched to a halt, when her ears picked up the loud bang of a cannon being fired.
What was that?
Suddenly, her glass window exploded into a shower of shards, eliciting a gasp from the princess. The glass rained on the carpet, paving the way for a blue-colored lump, barreling across the floor with the occasional bounce, where it landed in Celestia’s royal bed, becoming tangled in her silk sheets and plush cushions.
The bundle thrashed and kicked, fighting its way free of the sheets’ grasp. Celestia could only watch, incredulously, as a blue unicorn wrestled themselves from her blankets and sat upright on the mattress. The unicorn appeared to be male, clad in a torn up lab coat, a helmet strapped around his head, along with ash and soot decorating his fur. His eyes blinked rapidly behind a pair of slightly bent glasses. The unicorn scrambled to his hooves, coughing as he dusted himself off, before adjusting his crooked spectacles.
“Well, that is undoubtedly the last time I shall be testing that formula, though, I must admit that it launched much farther than I’d initially anticipated. Fascinating!"
It was then, that the unicorn’s eyes found Princess Celestia, who still hadn’t moved from where she stood, her eyes wide open in shock. Under most circumstances, the pony in the unicorn’s position would have been overtaken by a wave of embarrassment for having barged in on a royal figure such as Celestia, unannounced and in such an unorthodox way, no less. Instead, the unicorn beamed at the princess, not looking bothered at all.
“Why, hello there!” the unicorn’s features were stained by a jovial smile, distracting from his faint English accent.
“H-Hello?” Celestia sputtered to get the words out. It had been such a long time since she’d been genuinely taken aback and seeing how cordial this intruder was behaving, only further flabbergasted her.
“How are you doing this fine day?” the unicorn inquired.
Celestia blinked, “Fine, I suppose. Yourself?”
“Oh, just terrific!”
“Um, are you okay? You seem to have taken quite the fall there.”
“Ah, yes,” the unicorn surveyed the ruin he’d unintentionally wrought upon the royal bedroom. His eccentric grin melted into a bashful grimace as he rubbed the back of his cranium. “I seem to have broken your window, too.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Oh, bugger. Sorry about that, but I, unfortunately, lack a means of compensation for the damages. I’m sorry for that, as well.” the unicorn shut his eyes, shamefaced.
“It’s… fine, no harm done.” Celestia consoled.
The unicorn’s ignominy evaporated, almost instantly, replaced by his jolly grin, once again.
“Well, that takes a heavy burden off my shoulders! Thank you!”
“You’re welcome…?” Celestia cleared her throat; where did she leave that prim and proper princess facade she’d been known for? She was perfectly composed just a few moments ago, but this sudden turn of events made it agonizingly difficult to muster it again. The entirety of this situation was just absurd, and the pony before her acted as if it were par for the course.
“Do you know where you are? Who I am?” she finally asked.
“Why, I’m in Canterlot, of course! I’m not blind, after all; your face is on our currency, your deeds have been recorded in our newspapers, and your fame is unrivaled! Either you’re Princess Celestia or an amazon pony named Tinsel, who taped a pair of wings and a horn to her body, while dressing up like a nudist knight!”
A nudist knight, that phrase repeated itself in her head, like a broken record, while her eyes perused her attire. The temperature in Celestia’s cheeks rose, a reddish tint painting her face.
The unicorn continued, “Do you know who I am?”
Celestia snapped her head to the stallion, swallowing her mortification just enough to reclaim the equanimity befitting of an elegant ruler.
“No, I don’t think I’ve made your acquaintance, yet.”
“Well, then, I suppose some introductions are in order!” he clapped his hooves together, removing his helmet, revealing a frizzled mane. He bounded off Celestia’s bed, landing in a dramatic pose, complete with his hoof stretched outward in declaration. “I am the scientist formally known as ‘Neon Leopold Liger Contraption Cortex’; but everypony else just calls me Neon Cortex. Personally, I would love if they referred to me as such, but nopony ever does. It is a sad fact that I must live with.”
Celestia couldn’t believe it. She’d seen many things in her time, ranging from beautiful, to horrifying, to just plain weird--and this Neon Cortex character was getting to the top of her ‘weird’ list within the few minutes they’d known each other.
“Excuse me, luv, but are you alright?”
Snapping out of her internal pondering, Celestia blinked down at Neon, taken slightly aback.
“For a moment, you looked to be off in your own world. Are you alright?” he inquired with a tilt of his head.
“Yes, I’m fine. I was just thinking, is all--wait, did you just call me ‘luv’?!” Celestia’s face burned again.
Neon nodded, “Why, yes, I did, m’lady! It’s just a case of my old English roots creeping up on me. Forgive me if you were perturbed, ‘tis merely a figure of speech when referring to a mare.”
Celestia let out a relieved sigh, “Oh, then yes, I’m fine, thank you.”
Before their conversation could continue any further, the doors to Celestia’s bedroom swung open, a pair of Royal Guards bursting in.
“Your majesty, we heard a commotion! Are you alright?” one of them asked. They paused, noticing the trail of glass splayed across the rug. Their eyes surveyed the room, spotting Neon, who gave a friendly wave.
“‘Ello, there! Top of the morning to you, good chaps!”
The guards raised their spears, the tips mere inches from Neon’s neck.
“State your business!” the second demanded.
“My good guardspony, I was propelled into this room by pure happenstance, and by ‘happenstance,’ I mean a failed experiment involving nitro and a cannon. To spare you the details, I was blown halfway across Canterlot, where I landed in the room of our good princess, Celly! She’s been remarkably lenient, in regards to the damages!” he glanced over at Celestia. “Is that alright, if I call you Celly?”
“Absolutely not,” growled the first guard, “you will treat the princess with the proper respect!”
“I have treated her with nothing but respect, my good gentlecolt!” Neon asserted, narrowing his eyes.
Princess Celestia cleared her throat, acquiring the attention of the guards.
“Guards, everything’s alright. This was simply a misunderstanding. Rest assured, I have the situation under control.” she affirmed.
“But your highness, all the evidence proves otherwise,” the second guard objected, “this stranger crashed through your window and could have injured you, or worse!”
“Well, had I actually crashed into her, Celly would have received, at worst, minor bruising.” Neon corrected.
“So, you admit that you were intending to bring harm to the princess?!” the first guard pressed his spear against Neon’s throat.
“I never said that! I simply calculated a statistic!”
“Why don’t you be silent, fool?!” the second hissed.
“Why don’t you learn not to point sharp objects at other ponies, based on cockamamie assumptions! And I have a name, it’s Neon Cortex! The least you could do, is address me as such!”
“We shall address you however we wish, intruder!”
“Well, if we’re going to play like that, then it’s only fair I address you however I wish, too! Guard on the left, your name is Scruffy; guard on the right, your name is Dino.”
“Why you disrespectful--”
“Enough!” Celestia’s voice boomed, silencing all three belligerents. The guards stood at attention, though still held their spears against the intruder’s neck. Neon rubbed his throbbing ears as he’d been standing beside Celestia when she’d inserted herself into the conflict.
“Guards, I appreciate your intentions and I know that you’re only doing your jobs, but I’m perfectly capable of handling this situation. I don’t think Neon appreciates being demeaned like this.”
“I appreciate this even less,” Neon muttered, tapping his hoof against the spear tips.
“Guards, lower your weapons.” she ordered.
“But your highness--”
“Lower your weapons.” she stressed, her voice now more stern.
The guards reluctantly withdrew their spears from Neon’s neck.
“Good,” Celestia’s tone relaxed a little, “I will handle it from here, but inform the clean-up crew that I may require their assistance later.”
Nodding, the guards departed, leaving Celestia and Neon alone again.
“I do apologize for their behavior,” Celestia smiled at Neon, “they mean well, but they can take their jobs just a little too seriously at times.”
“Think nothing of it, luv. I should have expected such a welcome after an entrance like that, but I must ask again, is it alright if I call you Celly?”
“You may, if you so wish.” Celestia giggled.
“Why, thank you, m’lady! I shall not take this gift for granted, I assure you!” Neon’s genial grin returned.
“You consider letting you address me by a nickname as a gift?”
“But, of course! It’s not everyday that a princess allows some random bloke from River Valley, refer to her by an alternative lable!”
“You’re from River Valley?” Celestia’s interest peaked slightly, “That’s quite a ways away from Equestria. What brings you all the way out here?”
“Well, I was quite renowned for my research back in River Valley, which garnered the attention of a few scientists over here. When I was offered the opportunity to work at the research center here, in Canterlot, I figured I may as well broaden my horizon a little, so I took the job. River Valley was nice and all, but it’s quite welcoming to be in a region that actually receives sunlight more than twice a week.”
“Interesting. What do you research?”
“Oh, a little astronomy here, a little mythology there, a dash of psychology, and a pinch of alchemy every now and again!” Neon chuckled, his eyes looking off to the side in fond remembrance, “But, if I had to pick a major field, it’d most certainly be chemistry!”
“Would any of those fields have anything to do with why you crashed through my window?”
“Technically, yes, but it’s quite a story.” Neon smiled sheepishly.
“I have time,” Celestia smirked, using her magic to set up a table, along with two chairs. She sat herself down and gestured to the chair parallel to hers.
“If you insist.” Neon shrugged and slipped into the seat. “A fair warning, I tend to ramble sometimes, so don’t feel shy about letting me know when I do.”
“Very well, now please, tell me how this all came about.”
“Straight to the point, eh, Celly? I like that!” Neon nodded and cleared his throat. "Now, where do I begin?"
“Neon, are you sure this is a secure location?” asked Newton Brisk, his magic flipping through notes, eyes darting back and forth as he skimmed through them.
“What?” Neon called out from the interior of the cannon, currently occupied with scrubbing the inner tube.
“I said are you sure this area is secure?!” Newton cried louder.
“Why would I want beer?” Neon’s muffled voice answered. “I don’t even like alcohol!”
“No, I asked if this area is secure?!” Newton made sure to stress each word, hoping that this would make his query more clear.
“We don’t need deer, Newton, this has nothing to do with the wildlife!”
Newton buried his face in the clipboard, dragging it down his face in exasperation. He scratched his chin, then his mind clicked; perhaps if he said something that sounded similar to what he actually meant, maybe Neon would get the message.
He took in some air, then bellowed, “I got crabs from a mare, after a few shots of beer!”
Once the words began to leave his mouth, Neon had already pulled himself out of the cannon, his ears now fully understanding Newton’s words. He shot Newton a stunned look, his assistant stopping with his jaw wide open, his face now a shade of flustered cherry.
“At least you’re proud to admit it?” Neon scrunched his nose in uncertainty.
“N-No, that’s not what I…” Newton bit his lip, tongue rolling on his inner cheek, “you know what, let’s just drop it.”
“That would be intellectually beneficial,” Neon concurred, “now, let’s get this started, shall we?”
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
“I’ve never been more sure since the time we discovered that meteorite just outside River Valley’s border! Now, prepare for launch!”
Neon levitated a helmet on his head, strapping it around his chin. Newton took his station, at the rear of the cannon, the string ready to be pulled, now that the gunpowder was in place.
“Ready,” Neon declared.
“Alright, here goes nothing.” Newton gripped the string and yanked it.
“FOR SCIENCE!”
The cannon exploded with a bang, catapulting Neon across the horizon. Newton blinked, then looked through his notes.
“I don’t think that was gunpowder,” he muttered, “gunpowder shouldn’t do that.”
He picked up the canisters of what he assumed to be the gunpowder and read through the lables.
Gunpowder.
“But that can’t be, I know gunpowder was powerful, but there’s no way that it could…” Newton’s eyes caught an anomaly; the top right corner of the lable was peeled back slightly, revealing another lable behind it. Using his magic, he peeled the fake lable away, discovering the true name of the substance they’d just used. When he did, his heart sank into his stomach.
Nitro.
“Oh, Celestia, help me…”
Celestia thought she was dying inside, she just had to be. She didn’t know if it was possible to die of laughter, but Neon’s story was beginning to convince her otherwise.
The mess from the window had long since been cleaned up and replaced with a brand new frame, but Neon continued his recounting and Celestia remained attentive. As he went on, the princess found herself captivated by the scientist’s theatrics and methods of storytelling, greatly exaggerating his features to near comical proportions, which served in the comedy of the whole tale. By the time Neon had finished, Celestia’s laughing fits were rampant, barely allowing her enough air to breath.
“Neon, I fear your may have ruined the word ‘crabs’ for me, forever!” she sputtered in between frenzied giggles.
Neon merely sipped his tea, a naughty smile decorating his face, but not the least bit of guilt present.
“It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ruined a word for my colleagues; I’ve also ruined ketchup for those back in River Valley.”
"I would love to hear that, but I don't think I can take much more," Celestia said, taking deep breaths.
“Yes, I’m afraid I must be going,” Neon said, looking at the clock, “my assistant may be wondering about my whereabouts and condition. Boy, will this be quite a tale for him!”
Celestia tilted her head, then read the clock herself.
6:49.
“Oh, good heavens, I hadn’t noticed how much time has passed!” she raised a hoof to her chin.
“Ah, well, you know the old saying, that time flies by when you’re having fun?” Neon winked.
At that moment, a realization dawned on Celestia; she’d just had a conversation with this eccentric pony, not on matters of importance, or one full of groveling or pleading, but one of relative, albeit humorous, normality--with a pony that was anything but normal.
“Well, now, I believe the time has come for me to take my leave, a new day begins tomorrow!” Neon scooted out of his chair. “But, I may return, if you so wish.”
Celestia nodded, her lips curling into a smile, “You are always welcome here, Neon.”
“Then one day, I shall return!” Neon proudly proclaimed. “It was lovely to meet you in the flesh, princess.”
The scientist headed for the door.
“Do you know your way out?” Celestia called from her seat.
Neon froze, “Well, now that I think about it, no, and I don’t think the guards will be too keen on having me wander the castle blindly."
“Well, then, I’ll take you to the exit myself.” Celestia said, rising to her hooves.
“That would be greatly appreciated, thank you!”
“It’s nothing at all,” she joined Neon’s side, leading him into the halls.
“Oh, and Celly?”
“Hm?”
“Crabs.”
Celestia exploded into another fit of laughter.
