Normally, Twilight Time consisted of either a recap of previous lessons and the observation of progression, or Twilight reciting things either from memory or direct from book. But today, things were different.
“Whoa! Is Pinkie Pie taking over today?” asked Scootaloo.
The door to the castle library was barred by a net, which was containing thousands and thousands of coloured balls.
Twilight entered the hallway. “Good afternoon, girls. Our Twilight Time activity will be a little different today. I’ve turned my library into a ball pit, and Spike, Nyx, and Owlowiscious are all hiding in it. I challenge you three to find them. When you find one of them, bring them to the surface. The first Crusader to find someone in the ball pit wins.”
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were so enthusiastic about this challenge that they overtook Twilight as they climbed the stairs to the upper hallway.
“Don’t start until I get up there!” she called to the fillies as they zipped upstairs ahead of her.
Apple Bloom made it to the inner balcony first.
“This is so much better than having to tell Twilight my sapling hasn’t grown one bit,” she said ambivalently.
On one hoof, she would have liked some more schooling on plant growing. On the other, this was sure to be a good change of pace.
Soon, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were ready to dive from their respective book cases into the ball pit.
“On your marks!” called Twilight. “Get set! Go!”
They plunged in. Apple Bloom paddled downwards and shoved balls aside, her head darting this way and that. All she could hear was the sound of clunking plastic at first, but eventually she heard voices. At first she thought this might be her fellow CMCs.
“We’ll get there, Amber. Between what Twilight salvaged from the Blackout Shelter and what she appropriated from Pulp Puree’s lab, I know we’ll find a cure.”
As soon as Apple Bloom realised that it was Starlight’s voice she was hearing, her face hit a net. It wasn’t the same one she and her friends saw in the entrance hall. This one was keeping the balls out of the castle lab.
“Hey, Apple Bloom,” waved Amber Aldis.
“Find anyone yet?” asked Starlight Glimmer.
“I wouldn’t be down here if I had,” replied Apple Bloom.
“Better get a move on, then,” said Amber.
So Apple Bloom turned herself around and paddled towards the center of the library.
The next several minutes were uneventful, and Apple Bloom quickly felt that the novelty was wearing off. She heard no shouting from either Scootaloo or Sweetie Belle that indicated that they’d located someone in the pit. The next thing Apple Bloom found as a book about the properties of artificial flavours lying on the floor.
“Looks like Spike left one behind while he was cleaning,” she said.
Now that she’d gotten to the floor, she had an easier time manoeuvring forward as she pushed the plastic balls aside. She slipped at one point, and realised when she looked back that she’d tripped on another book. Ironically, it was entitled “A Guide to Preventing Domestic Accidents”. It seemed to her that there were several books on the floor. She didn’t think much of it as she carried on exploring the library full of colourful balls, but then the third one she found on the floor caught her eye.
“Planting Like a Pro?”
She decided to skim through it quickly to see if she could find anything useful, as she was still a bit disappointed in herself about her countless failed saplings.
Twilight was flying above the pool of balls, keeping her ears open.
“Marco!” she heard Sweetie Belle yell.
“No, Sweetie! You’re not allowed to do that!” Twilight called.
“Won’t help ya!” Scootaloo’s voice arose. “I found Spike!”
“Polo!” called Spike.
“Scootaloo wins!” declared Twilight. “Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, there are two hiders left!”
“Alright!” replied Sweetie Belle.
“Scootaloo, Spike, whereabouts in the room are you?!” asked Twilight.
“Don’t know!” Scootaloo responded.
“All I can see is balls!” added Spike. “And this book about battle fatigue!”
“I found a book about frostaceans!” said Scootaloo. “How come there are so many books lying around, Twilight?!”
“Oh. Well, I transformed all of the books in the library into little balls!” Twilight answered. “I guess I missed a few!”
She heard a surprised yelp that could only belong to her adopted daughter.
“I found Nyx!” called Sweetie Belle.
“Sweetie Belle gets second place!” declared Twilight. “Apple Bloom, you may be last place, but you can still try and find Owlowiscious if you like! … Apple Bloom, can you hear me?!”
Apple Bloom heard nothing. She’d found a page in Planting Like a Pro about growing rituals that greatly peaked her interest.
“For generations, earth ponies have performed a variety of rituals to great effect. Some have considered the use of growing rituals time consuming and difficult, which can already describe the planting and farming process and industry. But others have found that the effort is well worth it, as their crops have flourished and their hobbies and/or livelihoods thrived. Ritualistic methods turned out to be particularly beneficial to those who implemented them at a young age.”
Apple Bloom grew excited, but before she could read on, Starlight appeared from behind a wall of coloured balls.
“Found her!” she called upwards.
Then next thing Apple Bloom knew, she found herself teleported alongside Starlight to the top of a book case. The first thing she saw was Amber looking slightly bitter. No doubt she was thinking about her unique spell that she could no longer safely perform. Apple Bloom looked around, still holding Planting Like a Pro. Twilight was flying towards her, and Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, Spike, and Nyx were standing atop case tops just like she, Starlight, and Amber were doing. She quickly realised that she’d gotten side-tracked, and that Owlowiscious had yet to be found.
“How come you didn’t answer us, Apple Bloom?” asked Twilight. “We were worried there.”
“Sorry, Twilight. I found this on the floor, and… well, I thought it could help me,” said Apple Bloom.
“Oh. Is the seed you planted three weeks ago not doing well?”
“It’s just a little green stick poking outta the soil in the basin,” admitted Apple Bloom. “I haven’t been able to grow anything decent since that one time.”
“So did you find any methods you wanna try out?” asked Twilight, grinning at the book Apple Bloom was holding. “Like planting the seed in sand? Or leaving the plant in a dark room overnight?”
Apple Bloom glanced to her right and realised she wasn’t the only filly holding into a book that she found.
“That!” she pointed the book Sweetie Belle was holding.
Twilight turned around and jumped.
“Growing Rituals?! Oh, no! That’s a book from the restricted section.”
She magiced the book from Sweetie Belle.
“We have a restricted section?” asked Spike. “This library’s only one room.”
“The restricted shelf,” Twilight corrected herself.
“I wanna try one of those,” Apple Bloom reached out for the book.
But Twilight kept it out of her reach. “You don’t want anything to do with what’s in this book.”
“But this one…” Apple Bloom held up the book she’d found, “said that the really hard ones work well for young ponies like me.”
“Well I don’t think you’ve read the whole…”
“Please let me look at those, Twilight.”
“No! These rituals aren’t worth it,” insisted Twilight.
“But everything we do has an effect. Right, Starlight?”
Starlight shuffled.
“Twilight, come with me,” Amber jumped into the ball pit.
Twilight, a look of confusion and disdain on her face, dived into the pit after Amber; keeping Growing Rituals with her. Apple Bloom watched with disappointment as Starlight jumped into the pit as well.
“She ain’t gonna let me try anything just because of that Love Poison situation,” she groaned, remembering that mishap on Hearts & Hooves day.
“We did kinda mess that up, didn’t we?” sighed Scootaloo.
“Well, we didn’t mess up the concoction. We just didn’t know it was a poison,” said Sweetie Belle. “If Apple Bloom reads all the instructions and notes, she shouldn’t have any trouble with those rituals.”
“Twilight says those rituals are no good, and we should take her word,” Nyx insisted. “I think she was right to keep that book from you, Apple Bloom.”
“I don’t think she’s keeping it from her,” said Spike. “I think she’s proofreading it so see if there are any in there that are worth doing.”
Apple Bloom hoped Spike was right.
Twilight, Amber, and Starlight returned from within the ball pit several minutes later.
“Sorry to keep you all waiting,” said Twilight.
She passed Growing Rituals to Apple Bloom, who quickly grabbed it. She saw that there were two rubber bands binding pages to the front and back covers. Only a few pages in the middle of the book were free.
“Amber remembered a project she did in magic school that came from this book,” said Twilight.
“I didn’t have much trouble with it,” said Amber. “And I didn’t even have to use magic to carry out any of the instructions. So… nothing’s changed.”
She frowned a bit, and then perked up again.
“The point is, I think you can pull it off.”
“But you’re to stick to the pages that aren’t bound to the hardcover. And stick to the instructions exactly as they’re written,” warned Twilight. “Can you promise me that?”
“Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” promised Apple Bloom excitedly.
“Very well. You can start tomorrow and we’ll see how you do next week,” smiled Twilight. “Now then, where’s Owlowiscious hiding?”
Apple Bloom opened Growing Rituals to the band-free pages as soon as she, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle left the castle that evening.
“This collection of ancient practises can be used to grow any kind of plant, from flowers to trees. Step 1, fetch a bucket or basin and fill it with soil. Step 2, place the seed you intend to plant on top of the soil in the container. Step 3, push the seed into the soil with a feather stolen from a pony without his or her knowledge.”
“Oh, darn! I can’t take a feather from you now. You’ll know it was me,” grumbled Apple Bloom.
Scootaloo cringed. It didn’t happen often, but she hated when somepony plucked one of her feathers. They carried on reading.
“Keep the feather in the soil after you’ve pushed the seed in. Step 4, with the rest of the soil in the bag, make a castle. Like a sand castle, but with potting soil.”
“A castle?” Sweetie Belle tilted her head.
“Casa de Bloom,” chuckled Scootaloo.
“We’ve got plenty of potting soil at the farm,” Apple Bloom grinned. “So I’m all set there. Step 5, go to a forest clearing with a bag of nuts, throw the nuts all around, and wait for squirrels to work their way to you.”
“Fluttershy ought to have peanuts at her cottage,” said Scootaloo.
“Let’s just hope she doesn’t get mad that you’re gonna overfeed her squirrel friends,” said Sweetie Belle
They read on.
“Take the closest empty nut shell to you and place it on top of the feather like a hat. Step 6, take a deck of cards, shuffle them, and draw a card. Repeat this process until you draw a six of cubs.”
“I guess we know why this is step 6,” chuckled Sweetie Belle.
“Once you draw a six of clubs, use that card to flick the nut shell hat off of the feather.”
As they read on, they found the steps more and more bizzare and inexplicable, but not beyond Apple Bloom’s abilities.
Author's Note
Inspired by "The Primitive Sergeant" from George Carlin's book "Brain Droppings".
In the morning, Apple Bloom confided in Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle about who she should try and steal a feather from. They thought it ought to be one of their classmates.
“Who’s the least likely to feel anything?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Probably Rumble,” replied Sweetie Belle. “He stubs his hooves so often, he hardly even swears anymore.”
Later that morning however, their plans changed. Cheerilee announced a pop quiz. This gave Apple Bloom an idea. Once the students had one quiz paper each, Cheerilee began counting down from five to mark the start time.
“5, 4, 3, 2…”
“Ow!”
“1. Begin!”
Apple Bloom was sitting next to Nyx, and had plucked one of her feathers. Nyx had only looked around for a second before remembering she had a limited time to fill in her quiz paper like everypony else. No one heard her yelp, and the subject of the test was a difficult one. Apple Bloom hoped that Nyx would be so distracted by the tough questions that she’d forget all about that brief pain in her left wing. This wasn’t the case.
“Did you see somepony take one of my feathers?” Nyx asked Apple Bloom after quiz time was over.
Apple Bloom gulped. If Nyx found out it was her, she’d be off limits for the ritual instructions.
“That was me,” piped in Scootaloo. “Sorry, but I lost my quill and I was in a rush.”
“Oh. Well, it’s alright. It didn’t hurt too much,” said Nyx, rubbing her left wing.
Apple Bloom was relieved; not only because Scootaloo had stepped in and diverted Nyx’s suspicion, but because Nyx didn’t seem to realise that Scootaloo needn’t have harvested a feather from anyone accept herself.
When Apple Bloom got home that afternoon, she began the process. She took a basin, a bag of potting soil, one of the seeds that Twilight had given her, and the small black feather she’s obtained on class.
“Fill the basin with soil… place the seed on top…” she recited as she carried out the first few instructions. “And… push the seed into the soil with the feather you took. There. Now build a castle with the rest of the soil in the bag.”
The thing about living on a farm is that there is bound to be an immense supply of soil for planting. There was so much soil left in the bag Apple Bloom used that when Applejack arrived at the shed two hours later, she couldn’t even get to the door.
“Apple Bloom, what kinda nutball shenanigans have ya got goin here?!”
“This is for Twilight Time,” replied Apple Bloom from atop a turret.
“Granny!” Applejack turned her head. “Come look what your granddaughter did!”
Granny Smith sauntered over and inspected the castle.
“Well, you did a mighty fine job, Applejack.”
“Not me! Her!” Applejack pointed crossly at Apple Bloom.
“Well, you did a mighty fine job, Apple Bloom.”
“Thanks, Granny,” Apple Bloom grinned.
“You wasted all this potting soil!” complained Applejack.
“Not really. The book doesn’t say I have to keep this castle standing. I just have to make it,” said Apple Bloom.
“Well then, you can put all this soil back in its bag,” Applejack ordered. “It’s gonna rain tonight, so get a move on.”
Apple Bloom groaned. She was already worn out, and she knew she’d exhaust herself once she was done dismantling her castle. So she decided to carry out the next steps tomorrow.
“And so falls the kingdom of Apple Bloom,” sighed Granny Smith as she watched the castle being demolished.
After school the next day, Apple Bloom got herself a bag of peanuts and ventured into Whitetail Woods. Before long, she found a clearing, and she began tossing peanuts all around her. It was then that she realised she was going to be there for a long time. Hours. The squirrels in Whitetail were rather reserved. They were quick to eat the peanuts that were the furthest away from Apple Bloom, but as the circle shrank, it did so at a creeping slow pace. Apple Bloom sat as still as she could, wearing the warmest smile she could muster. She was glad to see that the squirrels kept coming back, but the time it was taking them to make their way to her was lengthening. The sky was red by the time half of the peanuts were eaten. Just when Apple Bloom’s patience was about to run out, more squirrels were coming and making quicker work of the circle of peanuts. Apple Bloom grew concerned because some of the squirrels weren’t eating the peanuts on site; they were taking them away to their boroughs. She was worried that the squirrel that claimed the peanut closest to her would scamper off with it. Thankfully, when it finally happened, Albert stuffed his face right there and left the empty shell on the ground at Apple Bloom’s hooves. It was dark when Apple Bloom returned home. She placed the empty peanut shell on the top of Nyx’s feather in the basin, and went straight to bed, wishing she’d eaten some of the peanuts herself.
She woke up in the morning to an awful racket outside. There were equine voices to be sure, but most of the noise was a sort of squeaking. Apple Bloom’s jaw dropped when she looked out of her window and saw what the trouble was.
“They followed me home!” she cried.
There were specks of black, red, grey, and brown all over Sweet Apple Acres, which Apple Bloom couldn’t mistake for anything other than squirrels. She raced down the stairs and out the front door. Applejack and Big McIntosh were standing close to the barn next to a stack of buckets they were going to use until they discovered that there were a lot of intruders in their apple trees.
“What do ya think of this, Apple Bloom?” Applejack groaned when she saw her little sister come outside.
“Uh… this might be my fault,” Apple Bloom confessed. “I was feeding squirrels in Whitetail Woods yesterday.”
“Did ya see them follow you home?” asked Applejack.
“No, I had no idea.”
“Well… Fluttershy should be coming to give us a status report soon,” said Applejack.
Apple Bloom was glad her siblings weren’t mad at her, but she felt silly for not seeing this coming.
Shortly, Fluttershy arrived from the field of golden delicious trees.
“None of them have made nests in any of your trees,” she told Applejack and Big McIntosh. “So Crosspatch, Lazybug, and I are leading them off your property now. You’ll be able to start applebucking before lunch time.”
“Thanks, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “No harm done, Apple Bloom.”
“That’s good,” sighed Apple Bloom.
She didn’t stick around to watch Fluttershy, Crosspatch, and Lazybug send the squirrels packing because she had planned to spend the morning carrying out step 6. This one was bound to take a long time. The book said she was to shuffle a deck of cards, draw one, and keep doing this until she drew a six of clubs. So she fetched her go fish deck and began shuffling and drawing. Several unsuccessful draws later, someone knocked on her door. Apple Bloom said her door was open, and in walked Lazybug.
“Hey, I heard you’ve got some kinda planting project going,” he said.
“I’ve had this project going since before you and your sister got outta that composter,” said Apple Bloom. “I’m just trying a new method now.”
“I see. So do you need any water?” Lazybug held up his spritzing bottle.
“Uh…”
“Or did your plant get plenty in that rain we had two nights ago?”
Apple Bloom didn’t know how to respond. She set her deck down and looked in the book Twilight gave her to double-check the instructions. She found that there was nothing in there about watering the seed; and also there were no guidelines for how much sunlight to give it. Apple Bloom couldn’t see how a plant could come to be without water. The only one she could think of was a Viana.
“Uh, I’m fine, thanks,” she said at last.
“OK,” said Lazybug, spraying himself with his spritzing bottle. “Well, those squirrels are all gone now. Wanna hang out?”
“Sorry. I’m busy.”
Lazybug watched as Apple Bloom recommenced shuffling.
“Practising a card trick?” asked Lazybug. “I know a good one. Wanna see?”
Apple bloom was going to decline at first, but decided she’d take a break.
“Name a card,” said Lazybug as he took the deck from Apple Bloom.
“Uh, six of clubs,” said Apple Bloom.
She realised at that moment that she hadn’t actually checked the deck to make sure there was a six of clubs in there. Lazybug shuffled the deck a few times without looking at it, and then drew a card and showed it to Apple Bloom.
“Tada!”
“Wow! How’d you do that?” asked Apple Bloom.
Lazybug placed the card back on the top of the deck and passed it back to Apple Bloom.
“My mom taught me it. I just… uh… well, it’s hard to describe,” faltered Lazybug. “My mom explained it good. If you wanna learn it, you should probably ask her. Well, good luck with your trick.”
And he left.
Lazybug’s good luck wish was a jinx. Apple Bloom could not draw the card she needed no matter how many times she shuffled.
“I know it’s in here,” she kept grunting to herself.
For days, whenever Apple Bloom wasn’t at school, she was shut up in her room either shuffling and drawing, or sleeping.
“The sooner I draw that darn six of clubs, the sooner I can come out and move on,” she said to anypony who told her she was wasting her time.
By the time Apple Bloom found the card she desperately wanted to see, it had been a week since Twilight had given her Growing Rituals. And she didn’t find it in the deck. She found she was reaching the end of her tether, and flipped through the deck to confirm that the six of clubs was in it. She was enraged when it didn’t turn up. She turned her bedroom upside down in a vain attempt to find it, and then burst out into the hallway.
“Sorry,” she said after bumping into Big Mac. “But have you seen any six of clubs’ lying around?”
For a split second, she thought this was a stupid question.
“Eeeyup.”
“You have?! Where?!”
Big Mac led Apple Bloom to his bedroom and pulled a playing card off his bedside table.
“Where did you find this?!” demanded Apple Bloom as she swiped the card him.
Her big brother pointed out of his window to the entrance to the Apple family’s property.
“It was lying in the dirt,” he said.
Apple Bloom smacked her forehead. “Lazybug was all wet when he showed me that card trick. The card musta got stuck to his hoof.”
She left Big Mac’s room without another word, added the dirt specked card back to the deck, and recommenced shuffling. She went on shuffling and drawing for hours, brimming with frustration. In the hour leading up to Twilight Time, she smiled for the first time that day when she stopped shuffling for the umpteenth time and saw that the card on the top of the deck was dirty.
“Finally!”
Apple Bloom was so worked up, that instead of flicking the peanut shell off the feather with the card like the book instructed, she beat it off and upset the basin.
“Oh, great!” she roared. “How’s that gonna look when I show Twilight and Amber?”
She cleaned the dirt and replaced the seed and feather, and carried the basin angrily down the stairs. She stopped and seethed at the bottom when she realised she forgot the book. Winona bounded up to her and barked happily, quite oblivious to her bad mood.
“Hey Winona, can you go fetch my book from my bedroom floor?” asked Apple Bloom.
Winona rocketed up the stairs. Apple Bloom managed a smile again for a little while, until Winona returned with the item she was ordered to fetch.
Apple Bloom arrived at the castle before Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle did, and showed Twilight, Amber, and Starlight her basin.
“Oh,” Amber looked slightly disappointed.
“Yeah. I only got as far as step 6,” groaned Apple Bloom. “The worst step. In fact, all the steps are really stupid. I was starting to think you lied to me about this ritual.”
“Well, I never said it worked,” shrugged Amber. “I just said I didn’t have trouble with it.”
“You never had anything with it!” snapped Apple Bloom. “You made it up!”
“Not just me. Twilight and Starlight wrote it too.”
Twilight and Starlight flinched at the look Apple Bloom gave them.
“Did you look at the pages we closed off?” asked Starlight.
Apple Bloom told them that Winona carried the book to her with the bands in her mouth, and that she had bit down a little too hard.
“Blank!” she slapped the empty first few pages of Growing Rituals. “You erased all the pages and wrote your own instructions in it!”
“Apple Bloom,” said Twilight, “we didn’t want to you do any of the actual rituals in that book.”
“Then why didn’t you just tell me that?!” demanded Apple Bloom. “Couldn’t you have just said ‘Apple Bloom, you cannot perform any of the rituals in this book’?”
“We thought all you needed was some confidence,” said Twilight.
“Confidence?!”
Twilight ducked as Apple Bloom chucked the mostly blank book at her.
“I’ve never been so frustrated in all my life! I spent hours making a top soil castle and taking it down, waiting for squirrels to eat all my peanuts, and shuffling that stupid deck of cards for days! Days! I’ll never play go fish again! Oh and guess what. You morons forgot to include a step about watering the flippin seed! I shoulda known you were tricking me!”
And she kicked the basin, shattering it and upsetting soil all over the floor.
Apple Bloom collapsed onto the dirty floor after her rant. She didn’t feel as angry as she did seconds ago now, but she still resisted when Twilight reached out to help her up.
“I’m sorry we caused you so much grief,” said Twilight.
“So are we,” said Amber.
Starlight nodded.
“Like we said, we thought you could build your confidence if you thought the ritual we made up was working,” Twilight went on. “We didn’t think to include the only thing plants really need.”
“It was kinda fun making up those steps,” Amber chuckled.
“But we didn’t mean for them to be time consuming and frustrating,” put in Starlight.
Apple Bloom glanced at the three horned ponies for a second before looking sulkily back at the pile of potting soil.
Twilight sighed. “Do you want to know what kind of things you’d have to do if you were to perform a real growing ritual from that book?”
“Oh, you’re not gonna tell her any of that, are you?” Starlight squinted uncomfortably.
Apple Bloom sat up. Starlight covered her ears.
“I’ll whisper it,” said Twilight. “Just one of the stages in that ritual on page 34.”
“Uh, I think step 4 on page 17 is tamer,” said Amber.
“Hmm. Yeah, you’re right,” agreed Twilight.
And she whispered something into Apple Bloom’s ear.
“And farmers did that?!” cried Apple Bloom in horror.
“The ones who fell for it,” said Twilight. “Growing Rituals isn’t an instruction manual, Apple Bloom. It’s a historical account of a tissue of lies by one of the most sadistic figures in Equestrian history. He claimed he’d had success with many of these rituals when ponies asked him how he always grew the most and the best crops. He thought it was funny that so many of his competitors were struggling to either grow decent fruits and vegetables, or trying to keep up with them. He wrote down a list of evil deeds and encouraged ponies to try them, just so he could watch everyone perform the depraved acts he wanted to see happen as he lived out his retirement.”
Apple Bloom shuddered.
“I know this won’t mean much coming from me,” said Amber Aldis, “but I think this goes to prove you can’t always believe what you read.”
Apple Bloom stood up. “I’m sorry I snapped at you guys.”
“And I’m sorry I gave you those phony instructions,” said Twilight. “I shouldn’t have given you false information for your Twilight Time activity.”
“That’s alright, Twilight, I’m real grateful that you’re still willin to teach me, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle stuff even though we all have our cutie marks now,” said Apple Bloom.
“Oh, thank you,” smiled Twilight. “It’s a pleasure.”
“Speaking of Twilight Time activities,” Spike spoke from an open doorway, “how good has Sweetie Belle gotten lifting a broom with her magic? Cause I’m not cleaning that up.”
Author's Note
Twilight had been left out of my title cards lately, hadn't she?
