The Billy Mays Chronicles

by UltimateRuin009

Rating: mature
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Sex
Length: 3332

A story full of stories for when I'm having a brain fart and want to be stupid.

These are the troll chronicles of Billy Mays as he exploits Equestria using the powers of many things, mostly troll to have his way with anything in his path, k? k.

If you hate stupidity in any form, walk away from your laptop/mac/pc computer right now for this is all you will get in this. Nothing else.

Also a crap load of language is used here. So watch out we got a badass over here.

Published 2012-06-13 14:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-12 02:14:58 UTC

Billy Mays and the Coke Dream.

Billy Mays and the Coke Dream.

Once upon a time in the magical place known as Equestria, Princess Trollestia had come up with a wonderful idea to piss everypony off. "I know how to solve my boredom," said Princess Trollestia "I will make everything fucked up as much as possible, because I'm a bored little pony yes I am."

"Now, let's take a look at the magical land of science and technology, otherwise known as 'Merica." She looked into her subconscious because fuck you she's the princess, to look into her mind and see shit from other dimensions. She noticed one individual human man because she apparently knows everyone in our world so lets fuck logic in the asshole and keep reading good people.

"In later news, Billy Mays dead due to smoking too much coke and other substances that are bad for your body." said a random reporter person. " This is indeed a travesty, RIP you bastard, may your soul know eternal substances."

"Yay! The perfect person!" exclaimed Princess Trollestia. The guards looked at her, with their faggotry armor and their faggotry looking wings that made them look like total gary stu's.

"Yo bitch calm yo ass down or I'll come in there and shut you ass up!" shouted the black pegasus pony, yes, pegasi ponies are black in this story.

"TO THE MOON!!" shouted Princess Trollestia. With a pop the guards were gone, even Luna for old time's sake. "Ha, now that that bitch is gone nothing shall stop me from bringing Billy Mays into Equestria for chaos to happen!"

"Yo bitch that's my job!" screeched a pansy draconeques. Discord was always such a pussy, never did his evil shit right, Trollestia exists to do what Discord failed, troll the fuck out of everypony. "I'm just too busy being a pansy prick to everything...bitch..."

"TO THE MOON HOMO!!" shouted Princess Trollestia. Just like the guards the faggot monstrosity left the world and on to the next Celestia deity. "Now, Bill Mays, arise!"

Just like how the guards disappeared, Billy Mays appeared just the same way. "Whoa, where the high holy fuck am I?" asked the coke head Billy Mays.

"You shall make my little ponies into your lovely substance which you people call coke." said Trollestia. "But first you have to have the sexy times with me!" And they did, and it was completely wrong and defiled the fundamental logic of nature.

"That was a disturbingly good time you crazy fucking horse," said Billy Mays "I hope its really a girl of my race that I fucked and not a horse."

"lol nope." said Trollestia. She had a big grin on her face when she said it.

"FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" shouted Billy Mays. He went and punched the roof with his elongated arm like a boss and escaped using super man powers. Because fuck you he thinks he's high and has powers but thanks to Trollestia he does. Explanation over, now on for more mindless shit.

It was a gay day in the gay ponyville as the gay ponies and their gay lives because everything was completely gay. (Gay also means happy smartass) Than all of a sudden, Billy Mays with a hard on came into town, it was fucking huge and if a picture was drawn of the scene your eyes will melt and the artist would have to die.

"I'm looking for humans to have the sex with for Trollestia was horrible." said Billy Mays.

"Fuck you Billy Mays! No one likes your coke!" shouted a random mare. Two seconds layer Billy Mays was already on it. Just like Trollestia it was an abomination of nature. Afterwards Billy Mays decided it was enough bestiality for one day.

"I must go, my people need me..." And with that, the superman theme song opened up and Billy Mays was flying away like superman, like a boss.

"Oh that Billy Mays, him and his coke powers." said Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy didn't give a fuck what he was doing, just so long as she wasn't apart of it, paranoid bitch. Billy Mays decided to fly into the sun and have it explode and EVERYONE DIED!

The End :3

But wait nigs! This story don't end yet! So shut the fuck up and calm down!! NOW!!! For Charlie Sheen came in on the scene with Billy Mays as they smoked mountains of coke with a shitload of bitches and mares as they all wore bikinis that would be illegal to wear in America because we need to keep "decency" and stupid shit like that. Because I don't know the government is kinda stupid like that and shit.

"YO BILLY MAYS!! I NEED MORE GOD DAMN COKE!!" shouted Charlie Sheen.

"SURE OH BUDDY OH PAL O MINE HERE'S SOME COKE RIGHT HERE!" shouted back Billy Mays as he handed the coke out to Charlie Sheen, purely because fuck you its Billy Mays.

"THANKS BUDDY! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD BY THE WAY!!" shouted Charlie Sheen.

"I THOUGHT SO TOO BUT A TALKING HORSE CALLED TROLLESTIA AND I HAD THE SEXYTIMES AND NOW I'M LIKE FUCKING SUPERMAN!!" shouted Billy Mays.

"FUCKING A HORSE IS WEIRD SHIT DUDE!!" shouted Charlie Sheen.

"YEAH BUT IT HAD WINGS AND A HORN SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK REALLY WENT DOWN!!"

"YOU WANNA SHOUT LOUDER LIKE THIS!!??"

"HELL YES SIR!!" The coke heads screamed as loud as they could as it shattered the eardrums of many and made many babies cry from pure pain and exhaustion. They both calmed down as they decided to stop sniffing more coke and decided to hang with the mane six.

"YO MARES YOU WANT SOME GOOD OL FASHION COKE??" shouted Charlie Sheen

"Um...No thanks..." said Fluttershy...shy bitch...

"WASN'T A REAL FUCKING QUESTION!!" and with that Charlie went and put a ton of coke into Fluttershy's nose and she died from having to sniff so much coke at once.

"AH DAMMIT MAN YOU KILLED FLUTTERSHY!! WHAT THE FUCK???" screamed Billy Mays.

"DUDE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, SHE WAS BEING TOO SHY AND NEEDED SOME COKE TO LIGHTEN UP!!" shouted Charlie Sheen.

"WELL THEY AREN'T US SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!" screamed Billy Mays.

"OKAY!! BY THE WAY A DRAGON'S BEHIND YOU!!" and there was. The dragon evaporated from the coke beam of legendary awesomeness from Billy Mays's nose, for you know, he has coke powers.

"THAT'S ALL FOR NOW FOLKS! COKE ISN'T GOOD SHIT SO DON'T GET INTO IT OR ELSE YOU'LL END UP LIKE CHARLIE SHEEN HERE!!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP BILLY MAYS!!!!" Then they went into a massive fist fight of epic proportions.

*Disclaimer* Okay, this was incredibly stupid, but honestly it wasn't meant for quality, this was meant to be stupid and the whole celeberty thing was just a random idea to go with. I'm sorry I offended anyone, I just wanted to bring the lulz. But if you enjoyed it good!

Billy Mays in the Revenge of Steve Urkel

Things were relatively calm in the inhospitable lands of the center of the Earth, nothing was being touched, and everything within and out was sacred as can be. All of a sudden, Steve Urkel went and punched the core. Everything started shaking as the strange little man started laughing.

"Did I do that?!" hysterically laughed the nerd.

He put his hands on the core and allowed himself all the power necessary to kill gods, even his bitter, white rival. "That honkey thinks he can steal the spotlight from me, I'll fuck his shit good, and I'll fuck it hard."

But then suddenly, Charlie Sheen came the absolute hell out of nowhere, he had eyes as red as the blood from a virgin pussy being penetrated and a moustache as white as snow. Little as the black man knew, that moustache was actually cocaine.

"WHAT THE FLIPPING FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU PERMAVIRGIN FUCK!!??!" shouted Charlie Sheen. Steve Urkel remained unchanged by the coke head's outburst.

"I am here to reclaim what's mine, and that is the whole damn world you white fuck." declared Steve. He held up one hand and pointed a finger at Charlie. "NIGGER BONER ATTACK!!" His finger elongated, and penetrated Charlie through the head, where he never had the chance to tell Jessica how he felt about her.

"DID I DO THAT?!" laughed Steve Urkel, now drunk with power. "Not even Charlie could stop me, no coke head fuck in this entire galaxy can stop me!"

Bam, Trollestia came in.

"What the flying shit face pickle nosed chink do you want, Trollestia?!"

"Billy Mays's dick doesn't satisfy me anymore, nor does his coke, I demand a black man's shaft!" exclaimed Trollestia. Then they did the sexy times, now it was worse with a small, gross black nerd. "That was good, now kill Billy Mays!"

"K."

Meanwhile, Billy Fucking Mays was covered in a mountain of coke alongside of Fluttershy's dead body, crying while he shoves more coke up her snout.

"BREATHE DAMN YOU!!! BREATHE!!!!" screamed Billy Mays. When he had realized that all was lost, he threw her body at the sun, and saw it explode with ecstasy. "Stupid fucking horse..."

Steve Urkel then came in, covered to the very bone with nice clothing and shit that was supposed to be scary looking and started rustling Billy's jimmiez. "Hello...old friend..." ominously said Steve Urkel.

"Steve Urkel." said Billy Mays. "So you have escaped from the prisons of the moon, which was on the sun, which was in the center of a black hole so that you can fight me?"

"No, I escaped from the prisons on the moon, which was on the sun, which was in the center of you momma's vag because I have so much black SWAG." He was then assaulted with a coke beam, which just sent him flying right through a mountain.

"ONLY I TALK ABOUT MY MOMMA LIKE THAT YOU DISRESPECTFUL CUNT SUCKING FUCK SHIT!!"

"WANNA PLAY IT LIKE THAT HUH CRACKER?!?!? THEN ITS TIME TO GO DRAGON BALL Z ON YOUR ASS!!!!"

Then they had a fight. This fight got so intense mares and people alike that were within a million mile radius were having their ovaries explode because of the gar that was taking place. Men turned gay, cats and dogs were negotiating a fish treaty so they can know the outcome of this fight, and Irish men stopped having sex with sheep just so they can watch this epic fight go down. All of a sudden, King Kong flipped them off. They both knew what they had to do.

"WE CAN'T LEAVE THIS LITTLE MONKEY BITCH WALK AROUND GIVING US THE BIRD URKEL!!!!" shouted Billy Mays.

"YOU'RE RIGHT, WE CAN'T, WE HAVE TO KILL HIM." shouted Steve Urkel. After two minutes of a montage fight, they finally killed the beast. "Did I do that?" asked Urkel innocently.

"FUCK YOU!!" shouted Billy Mays. They went back into their epic fight again, this time their epicness landed them in Canterlot where they started to through unicorns at each other to try to hurt the other. Sadly, these attempts were all in vain as all it did was have the ponies literally explode from the sheer awesomeness of the sun's rays.

"WHY IN THE NAME OF TALOS ARE THESE PONIES EXPLODING?!"

"WHO THE FUCK KNOWS, BUT LETS KEEP FIGHTING ANYWAYS AND SHOUT REALLY LOUD!!'"

"OKAY I'M COOL WITH THAT!!!" They continued their fight. Then Discord came in and started dry humping everything.

"EVERYTHING FEELS GOOOD!!!" screamed Discord. Steve Urkel went up to him and beat the shit out him, raped him, then killed him by showing him his pecs. The god of chaos died from the rays of Steve Urkel's pecs, and turned to ash.

"Did I do that?" asked the young nerd innocently.

"WE'RE NOT DONE YET!!" shouted Billy, whom went up and sucker punched Urkel all the way to Mars where they continued their fight.

Out of their wits and out of energy, the two of them decided to delay time to talk.

"Why did you come back to Equestria of all these stupid planets?" asked Billy.

"You see, when Allah sent me here on a mission, to destroy all buildings with aeroplanes." said Steve Urkel.

"Surely there must be more than just a nine-eleven joke behind your motives."

"Yes, I am your son Billy Mays, you abandoned me after you found out that your first wife gave birth to me. She always wanted to tell you that it was something that caused my skin to turn into what it was instead of a black man that made love to her, but you killed her with a coke beam, leaving me to the streets where I had hopelessly fallen in love with a stupid hoe. I then killed her so I can join the circus and that was when I met the spirit of Allah. Me and him lol'd at the muslims and then-" He said no more as Billy Mays had cut off his child's head with his own penis.

That was when he realized he didn't want anything to do with Equestria, and soon went to make a republic on Mars. He called it the "Imperial Coke Empire." and named his first city after the black man that fell to his penis, SUIAF City. It is an acronym for "Steve Urkel Is A Faggot", a pun Billy Mays laughed so humorously at.

Trollestia then unleashed another evil, only for Billy Mays to kill him.

Billy Mays reads Twilight

(Author's Note)
Okay, I hate Twilight series. A lot. There are few things that have me say how bad I think this series is in general just horrible. I shall respect your opinion of Twilight so long as you don't get butt hurt over this story.
If you are a fan of Twilight, do not continue forward reading this chapter. That is the final disclaimer, now welcome to the shit storm of Billy Mays.

Today was only another day for the life of Billy Mays. Recently he has been at his wits trying to deal with his daily routine as ruler of the Imperial Coke Empire with great care. Recently it has grown redundant. In the mornings he eats breakfast covered in cocaine, in the afternoons he eats lunch covered in cocaine, and in the evenings he eats dinner covered in cocaine, and in between those meals he snorts cocaine at least three times. So basically he's been doing the same stupid shit as he did on Earth, but he's also governing the Empire with an iron fist.

A bit ago, he allowed free speech within his dominion on Mars, this of course caused many things to happen. One of them came up as the internet being invented, which was then made for pornography to be made and a website called "", and the other ninety-nine percent of the internet made almost entirely of porn. As if it were to happen by chance, fucking pussies had to come in and complain about the situation of the internet.

"Like, err. mah. gerd. Pornography is for perverts!" said every stuck up bitch on Mars involving the situation.

Billy Mays decided that his jimmies were rustled enough, so he went on to have cause the "Moral Fag Massacre", because he was just tired of ponies and other races alike stand against internet porn.

"If you do not like internet porn, please don't try to ruin it for other ponies, me especially because I absolutely approve of it." declared Billy Mays in a speech. He then went about to take away the right of free speech to anypony that went against internet porn. The other races were free from harm because no one gave a fuck about them.

This of course caused many complaints, and even cults that trifled with dark magics that would be better off undiscovered to try to banish Billy Mays from this plane of existence. Yes of course they could have tried the direct route and try to kill him, but fuck man, not even Steve Urkel could, what chance would a simple civilian do?

"Oh yes, any assassination attempt you make on me just means one more kitten that gets slaughtered, surely you don't want to have a kitten die because you think my laws are unfair do you?" From that point onward, the Imperial Coke Empire had been at a relative peace for the next two months.

But then of course one day one of those cults decided to put Stephanie Meyer in charge of one, and then they invented the super popular book series, "Twilight". Then soon released many sequels following up on the original book.

Now over night, the fandom around "Twilight" had grown much more larger than it should have, and yes, by more than just one person. Billy Mays tried to ignore it, tried to acknowledge it exists but trying to ignore it in general proved to be jimmy rustling levels of difficult. He decided to stop being a bitch about it and actually read the book series.

"Edward, lick my cunt you sparkly f-vampire." read aloud Billy Mays.

"Hell no, I only like real pussy, not this blue waffle shit you disgusting bitch."

Sadly, all of that was in his head. What was really in the book was full of faggotry beyond anything he had thought could exist in the universe. He went out for blood, with nothing but the clothes on his back and a machete in hand, he went out hunting for Stephanie Meyer.

He punched open the house of said author, and started breaking shit with his sword in hand. "I AM HERE FOR THE HEAD OF STEPHANIE MEYER, AND EVERY COPY OF TWILIGHT SHE HAS EVER RELEASED." screamed Billy Mays. Little did he knew, the moral fag ninjas came the fuck out of nowhere, with cigarettes in their mouths so they could seem bad-ass.

"I thought I banned these for good, and made them illegal, because they make you fucking retarded." said Billy Mays.

"But Billy Mays, you don't know of our plans..." said a ninja.

"What plans?"

"Well you see, our glorious leader of the Empire, for too long you and your coke-snorting face have done nothing but decrease the amount of people that are stupid with your rash motives. But now...Stephanie Meyers has decided our future with these wonderfully stupid books, and its time for you to pay for your actions." The ninja wanted to say more, but then she got decapitated.

"Catchphrase." said Billy Mays, right before he killed everything in an ejaculation explosion.

This was it, he stood across the room from where him and Stephanie Meyer were standing, her sucking multiple black dicks per second while Billy Mays stood there, contemplating to join in or just walk away.

"Billy Mays, by now I'm aware you know of my plans for Mars."

"Yes, but please, tell me your plan without a thousand dicks in your mouth please."

"Fuck you, this cum dumpster is empty and it needs to be refilled."

"I did not make an empire for this sultry mess of a person to live in it."

"Well too fucking bad, what are you going to do?" He killed Stephanie and all of the men in the room without mercy, and walked out.

The weeks that followed involved a daily crackdown of internet faggots that love Twilight openly admit they like it, all until the social norm was to NOT like Twilight, like it used to be. Then when all the moral fags and Twilight fags were killed, he burned all the books, and any historical recording of it ever existed until all traces of it was burnt away from the minds of the populace, and from history itself. A celebration was not taken place for an event, for it would bring Twilight back into the light and that was it.

Point of this story is: Twilight sucks, don't read it.