Horses Before Ricks

by dereturd

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Narcotics, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Science Fiction, Comedy, Other, Starlight Glimmer, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Discord, Violence, Dark
Length: 4300

Rick and Morty, are now spending a shit time on Equis Prime.

With the Galactic Federation gone, Rick and Morty planned to make rainbows return to their neighborhood for some reasons. So they find planet 5E4960 and travel there.

And when they do travel there, they're now stuck for 2 weeks because Rick's portal gun won't work. They also have to put up with the ponies' shit.

edit: This got featured on the 'Popular Stories' list in 5/3/2017, just after it's release. :D

Published 2017-05-03 10:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-05 07:10:07 UTC

"Fucking piece of shit portal gun!!"

"Rick?" Morty called out, still in his jammies. He was down because Rick yelled out his name, and if Rick calls out Morty's name, Rick definitely needs his help. Or company. Or his cloaking.

"In the garage!" Rick yelled back, Morty followed the voice's intructions and walked into the garage. He found Rick fiddling his laptop and his stuff. Morty walked in closer and was now beside Rick.

"What do you need Rick?" Morty asked.

"We gotta go to a planet and *urp* and-and collect some rainbow essence, Morty." Rick answered, he faced the side and grabbed his portal gun, cranking the setting to the location of the said planet.

"Um, what planet exactly, R-R-Rick? And why do we need to collect rainbow essence?"

"We need to go to Equis Prime, it's out of the *urp* grid of the galaxy, so it would take the gas of my *urp* ship to get there. So we're traveling by portal, and we need rainbow essence to make rainbows return to this neighborhood. Ever since you're birth, M-M-Morty, *urp* there was a solid colorful rainbow for a record of five seconds."

"Wait, why do we need rainbows?"

"Beca-*urp*-use, I need it for my research Morty. So go change to your casual and let's go."

"Alright alright!" Morty said, running back to his room and started changing his attire. While Rick leaned by the wall and drank more from his flask.

Starlight was just finishing the last batch which was a part of her experiment. She then took the tubes and placed it inside the cooler to cool. After closing the container, she then leaned on the wall, took off her goggles and gloves, and gave a big long sigh after wiling the sweat from her forehead. "Well, that finishes that. I better go check Twilight to see how her.. star gaze is doing." She said to herself.

Boy, do ponies have the habit of talking to themselves.

She closed her bedroom door to see Twilight. She was very sure that nopony will interrupt her experiment.

Rick and Morty walked through the portal which led to a.. turquoise bedroom with a purple carpet sporting the floor. The portal behind them disappears as Rick took his first glance at the cooler. While Morty gazed around the bedroom. What caught his eye was the mirror. Filled with pictures of.. equines? Bonding?

"Rick? What the hell is this planet?" Morty asked Rick, who was taking the last tube inside the cooler. Rick acknowledged his name from Morty, so he responded.

"I don't *urp* know Morty. All I know is that this was *urp* out of the Federation's hands a long time ago, and i-i-it has sunshine and rainbows in it." Morty wasn't impressed with his explanation of this planet. So he gave another shot at asking.

"Um, anything else Rick?!"

"Look Morty!" Rick yelled angrily. Startling Morty. "I don't give a shit about this planet's origin. What matters is that we need something really important to use for the-the-the thing we need to do! So we got our shit, and we're done! So let's get the fuck out of here!" He yelled, saying that also had saliva dripping along his mouth.

After ranting at Morty, he grabbed his portal gun and started to shoot portal. But the result was just green liquid spitting out from the tip. He raised a brow, after that he pressed the trigger again. Again and again. But to no avail the portal gun didn't work. He got pissed. The gun was working, the interdimensional plasma was there, the dimension bar was telling the supposed dimension they were supposed to go to, and the gun wasn't jammed.

"Morty, hold the-*urp*-se tubes." He said, giving Morty the tubes as he takes them one by one with delicacy. After that, Rick returned his mind to the portal gun. It was rare to make it have malfunctions, and the solution sometimes is to smack at it because, it works. So he pounded at it, three times. After that he pulled the trigger again, only to make it spit out goo. "Great." He muttered. He grabbed a screwdriver from his lab coat, and started taking off the plating of the gun to reveal the insides. He inspected the gun, and there wasn't anything wrong with it. He was very confused from the look of his face, so he placed and screwed back the plating and smacked the portal gun again. Before gritting out his teeth, and yelling,

"Fucking piece of shit portal gun!!"

"Hey what's the racket-?!" The purple unicorn gasped at seeing the intruders in her room. With the duo staring at the equine.

"Um, we come in peace?" Morty said.

And the unicorn let out a damsel in distress scream.

Author's Note

I need something to get me back at writing. So here it goes.

I'll upload Why So VG? later, so don't worry.

"Shit!"

And Starlight let out a damsel in distress scream. As Rick said, "Shit!" After, Rick and Morty reacted by jumping out into the window and fell for a while until they got caught by a tree while Morty kept screaming for his life.

"Run Morty! We gotta get the fuck outta here!!" Rick yelled while Morty replied by screaming.

Starlight went to the window and watched the two bipedal beings sprint for safety. She then remembered her tubes, she wuickly scurried to her cooler and opened it only to see ice and no tubes. "Oh no.." She mumbled in worry.

"Starlight!" Twilight called her name, as Starlight's scared face looked over to Twilight, who was concerned about her recent call. "Are you okay?" She asked. Her pupil only nodded, Twilight came and held her shoulders. "It's okay, what happened?" She asked.

"They took the tubes!" She replied.

"Oh no." Twilight said in worry. "What did they look like?" Twilight asked.

"Bipedal and clothed."

"You are joking, right?"

"I'm not!"

"Well, we have to investigate quickly. Before they do something wrong with the experiment." Twilight said as she looked out the broken window.

"Shit Morty! We got company!" Rick informed the running Morty. Both were running to hide themselves from the ponies and the Timberwolves up their asses. Rick didn't have much on him since he thought he can get this over with, and fast. But the universe has mistaken his plan and disrupted it. So they were running until they lose their stamina and get chomped on by the Timberwolves.

"Can't you just kick the shit out of them?!" Morty asked frantically.

"I've been to a planet with the same wolves as these shit heads, and they're heavier than usual! So take my advice and give me one of the tubes!" Rick demanded. Morty didn't reply but he tossed him a purple tube. Rick then threw the tube as the glass impacted on the ground, creating a purple puddle of goo. The Timberwilves then stepped onto the puddle, which then a worm came out of the earth and swallowed the four Timberwolves. Afterwards it retracted back to the puddle which then dried out after the worm last made with the air.

"I think we.. lost them." Rick said, as they kept on panting. He then leaned and sat down on the nearby tree to rest. Morty only knelt down and gently placed the tubes on the small rock beside him. After a moment of breathing, Morty finally spoke.

"Rick, what do we do now?"

"We wait out for the day, or we could, run back to the town. While we were falling I saw a town ahead, and we were running away from it. We can walk back there, it's just a few minutes. As long as we don't r-r-run into wolves, or fungi ants, or arachnids."

"I-I don't want giant spiders up my back!"

"Well stop whining and let's start walkin' Morty."

Authorities were swarming Twilight's castle. From Royal Guards to detectives to the Princesses. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna and Princess Cadence. All of them in Twilight's castle. The commotion is mostly coming around Starlight's bedroom. The detectives, even the greatest of them, have no clue how the hell did the two beings enter Starlight's bedroom without causing noise or attraction in the first place. From the description, they didn't look like they have the capability to teleport anywhere.

A detective just ended his conversation to Twilight, Starlight and Spike about their findings. The grey pony walked away as the three Princesses entered the room and spoke to the three with Celestia starting the conversation first.

"I take it, there's no plausible theory on how the culprits managed to sneak in without any noise huh?" The white coated pony asked.

"Yeah, and since they took our chemicals, they would use it for destructive or harmless purposes." Twilight replied.

"Let's hope for the best." Celestia reassured.

"In the meantime, we should try and find a way on their whereabouts. I can try and find them through dreams." Luna said.

"Auntie Celestia here would send out drones and scouts throughout the forest if they happen to not camp out the night." Cadence said. Celestia happily agreeing by nodding to her suggestion.

"We will take care of this Starlight. You three go rest. Let us handle this." Celestia said, taking her hoof to Starlight's shoulder.

"Thank you Princess Celestia." Starlight thanked, as the two ponies and the dragon started their rest while the guards and police cleared out of the building.

'Why does the one in the lab coat look familiar?' Luna thought.

"Rick, could we stop for a while and eat or somethin'?" Morty whined, making Rick groan.

"Morty, i-*urp*-if you wanna hunt. Go ahead. But don't come and find me after roasting a grape noodle or whatever." Rick replied, drinking again from his flask. After moments of walking, the duo heard a low growl near them. Rick sure had to diss on Morty this time. "Jeez, are you really that hungry?"

"That wasn't me!" Morty yelled, as the growl had more volume in it. Both looked around cautiously and worryingly. They both have no way of defending themselves, and they're limited to the chemicals they stole since they only have 3 left. A yellow pair of eyes stood out in the dark. They quickly noticed the bright overlay, they started to step away as the eyes started to come out and reveal a.. lion with bat wings, and a scorpion tail on it's back?

Rick knew what the hybrid was and mumbled what it was. "Manticore." With that said, they ran and the manticore roared. The roar was really loud. I mean, REALLY, loud. It can be heard all the way into town. The manticore galloped, it was fast. Fast enough to catch up to the duo. Morty knew he had to save themselves, so he had tubes on his arm, and on the other hand is an orange tube. He was about to throw it when Rick stopped him. "Morty no! We can't have rainbow essence if you throw that!"

"Are you crazy Rick?! We're gonna die if I don't throw this-! WOAH!!" Morty screamed, as the manticore grabbed Morty by the shirt. He was flailing him around, it was about to rip off Morty's shirt. Rick then had to make a move by dropkicking the manticore. Making him drop Morty and get staggered. Rick then grabbed Morty as the duo ran far to a safe distance. Where they could have time to talk before the hybrid would take a chunk.

"Do you have the tubes?" Rick asked. Morty raised his shirt and still had two tubes. "Where's the other one?" Morty opened his right hand and it was still intact and the chemical was still there. "Good. We should try and stay here for a while."

"What?! Why?!" Morty yelled but the tone was still low.

"Because that manticore is an alpha. It has a darker coat and did a loud ass roar. It also has a loud sense of hearing. So one snake hisses, the alpha's head twitches." Rick informed.

"Aw jeez." Morty said.

ROAR!!

The manticore basically jumpscared the two, and there was nowhere else to run. Either way they were sitting. They try to get up, the manticore will just swipe them.

"Well, it's over Morty." Rick muttered, who was nonchalant at the current scenario as Morty was horrified at his statement.

Suddenly, the manticore POOFED away by a pop. The duo were relieved but confused, it meant that there was another entity nearby. So they're guard was up the charts.

Then there was a tall looming shadow behind them. Rick was worried, Morty was scared. So it looks like they were left with a choice to only look behind them. They both turned tail only to see a draconeques taking a scaring stance. Which then thrusted forward and attempted to scare them.

"Boo!"

Morty yelped and retracted, while Rick looked at the familiar draconeques. He now remembered. He spat out his name then.

"Discord?" Rick asked.

"Rick?" Discord asked back.

"Discord!"

"Discord?"

"Rick?"

"Discord!"

"Rick!"

"Discord?" Morty asked. Weirded out by the situation. Rick and.. to Morty it looks like a chimera, know each other?

"Morty! Meet Discord! Discord, meet my grandson Morty!" Rick introduced, as he grabbed and pulled Morty in front of the draconeques. Morty took a quick glance and sheepishly smiled and waved at him.

"Ugh... Hi?" He said. While Discord stroked his beard, before smiling and remembered him.

(1)"Oh! Hello Morty! I am, Sair Disscordè!" Discord said, as he now wore a french waiter costume while giving a french accent to introduce himself. "Or you could call, me Discord for short." He said, popping back to normal. "I'm the Lord of Chaos!"

"What?!" Morty suddenly shrieked out.

"You're grandfather here has mentioned you time to time! Boy I'm so glad we met!" He said. Elongating his claw and wrapping it around Rick's neck.

"Why, are you even here *urp* Discord?" Rick asked.

"Oh! Well this is where I live!" He exclaimed. Discord snapped his paws where in front of them showed a portrait of Discord's house.

"Wow, big surprise huh?" Rick said.

"Um, how did you two even meet?" Morty asked.

"I'm glad you asked, M-M-Morty." Rick said, putting his hands on Morty's shoulders. "We go waaaayyy back! To him it's been 4 years but to me it's been 5000 years ago!"

"WHAT?!" Morty suddenly shocked from Rick's explanation.

"Don't worry, I'm still 81. Our time goes slower than his."

"Oh."

"Anyway, we um, met at a party. A party that only consisted of four."

"Hey, that was Bill's idea."

"Either way, it was still a great party."

"Um, who were invited exactly?"

"Well, the guy who *urp* invited us was, a yellow triangle with black arms and legs with only one eye, a top hat and a bow tie, aaand he was a dream demon." Morty, still getting shocked from what Rick's encountered. He thought he's seen it all but Rick's seen beyond. "He invited Discord here, and another guy who was.. a fat ass skeleton. With a blue hoodie, black shorts, and pink slippers. He also likes ketchup and puns."

"Remember his jokes?" Discord said.

"Yeah. Good times. And then he invited me. It was a good party and all, and we had fun." Rick said, finishing his explanation. "I'm also sorry for not inviting you to my party back at Earth. Have you heard that?" Rick added.

"Yes I did. Don't be sorry, Abradolf Lincler was there so I won't bother." Discord said.

'I regret knowing about this.' Morty thought as the two old friends laughed. The 14 year old teenager then remembered what they were supposed to do. So he had to yell it out loud. "RICK! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE REMEMBER?!"

"Yeah yeah." Rick said, he was about to open his mouth to talk to Discord until a sound, similar to a jet flying by interrupted them. Rick let out his 'W' face as the sound booms across the forest. The trio pondered and stopped for a moment, until Morty broke the silence.

"Um, what the hell was that?" Morty asked.

"Oh! The reason I'm here in the first place is that-"

"JUST GET TO THE POINT!!" Morty rudely interrupted and yelled at Discord.

"Jeez Morty, calm down, the spirit of chaos is getting there." Rick said, taking out and took a swig from his flask.

"Anyway, the reason why I'm here in the first place is to do Celestia a favor. There was a break-in at Twilight's castle and I was told to find the theives. So I guess I found the theives! But in case I didn't find them, the scouts and drones are looking around the forest to find you two themselves." Discord explained, while he told them the scenario he reenacted his sentence word per word.

"Woo, this is really important to them. Anyway, can you take us to your place?" Rick requested. Discord willingly obliged by nodding, so with a snap of a finger they were poofed to Discord's living room. Rick was surprised, not that his house was reverse since he had already been here, but because of his loyalty even though they haven't hanged out that long and was willing to go against Celestia's instructions. Was that the name Rick heard? He doesn't care.

"Alright M-*urp*-orty. Go do some thing while I, sort this out." Rick said, heading down for the basement to check on his portal gun. Morty doesn't have much to do since he forgot his tablet or his laptop. So he figured he'd talk to Discord. Who was floating and swimming around him. All while he was listening into his thoughts on his next move.

"I see that you are planning to talk to me! Old Discord! Boy, it's been a while since I've spoken to someone that's not pony." Discord said, Morty stucked on the last word that Discord said. He decided to ask him as he sat down on his sofa. When he made contact with the comfy couch, he sank deeper into the furniture and screeched a little. He went back to his decision and asked him.

"Um, pony?" Discord just sat along with him but he didn't sink into the couch.

"Yes, we are in a world of ponies. Where they believe, friendship is magic. Have you seen that at
East once on your Interdimensional TV?"

"No, and jeez, sounds like a five year old world."

"It kinda is. But! Let's talk about you!" Discord popped in front of Morty but as a small version of him. Sitting on a couch with popcorn beside him.

"This is gonna be really awkward." Morty mumbled.

Rick walked down the basement stairs and came into a dark room. He knew the switch beside him was a fake, he remembered the real switch was on the floor so he stomped his foot onto the concrete floor and the lights opened. Revealing a different kind of lab, but still held some similarities. Such as the metal shelf on the side with, instead of a Meeseek's Box, it held a Fleaseeks Box, his time travel stuff was replaced with 'Paradox Stuff', and the monster hat he had back at the garage, was replaced with a replica of Sauron's helmet but was labeled: 'Skyrim DLC helmet'.

Anyway, Rick went onto his set of monitors and opened it. He logged in, good thing it wasn't Windows 10. He opened a secret panel on the desk and revealed some sort of USB. He plugged that in on his portal gun. A new window opened on the monitor and it showed the stats, history, charge and model of his portal gun. Sadly he can't fiddle around with the settings of the software because it's pirated. He was thinking of buying himself a paid version. Or just steal it from the destroyed Citadel of Ricks. He looked at the stats, and it showed the real problem of his portal gun.

It was because of magic.

He remembered, they were on a Pony planet. Equis is filled with magic. It was everywhere, and it was conflicting with the portal gun's in-works. So they can't portal home. "God fucking dammit." He muttered, pounding his desk with an angered fist. There was only two ways to get home. It's to either find an anti-magical area around the planet. Or he could command the A.I of his ship to fly to this floating rock in space. But, it would take an estimated time of.. "1 week and a half." Rick said, as he just calculated the time.

He needs to plan this properly so that nothing will cause any trouble to him. So he would make amends with the ponies, get along with them, buy some time until the ship would come and pick them up. That is if Rick picked 'Plan B'. But he's going with 'Plan A' first. So he, Morty and Discord would need to trek to a place where there's no magic in an area. Or he could tell Discord to make an anti-magic dome or something.

Yeah, that plan would work. He needs to prepare immediately.

But not without getting high first.

".. and that's the story of me living on another dimension while my other body is rotting in a backyard." Morty finished, with Discord wearing a brown suit and tie with a notepad on his paw and a pencil writing around on his notepad. Surprisingly, Morty finds it comfortable talking with Discord. They shared stories to each other, and interacted with each other just for a while.

"Well, you have to get used to it more often. I'd do the same if I were you but.. I've been on that rodeo." Discord said, inspecting his claws.

"What?! You've migrated to another dimension?!" Morty yelled with shock and surprise in his tone.

"Yes. Several times. Not that because my orginal world is nothing but ash, well.. it was one time. But for other purposes. Right now this is the 59th time I've done this." Discord said, as a glass of chocolate appeared in front him. He sipped on it, but the glass itself was decreasing, not the delicious looking milk.

"Wow, what a waste of chocolate." Morty commented.

"Hey, the glass taste like chocolate." Discord said.

CLANG!!

The sound of metal banging came from the basement. Morty jumped from the sudden loud noise while Discord looked at the basement door with no emotion whatsoever.

"W-w-what was that?!" Morty asked.

"Probably just Sam." Discord said, continuing to drink the glass out of the.. well glass. I think?

"Ugh..." A loud groan was heard from downstairs. This time Discord was lookign at the door with surprise.

"Your right. Maybe we should look down." Discord said, as the two rushed down to see Rick sitting on the wall with a bunch of crystals, equipments and glass shards on the floor with a red powder on the table. Morty rushed to Rick while Discord checked the metal shelf to see a green septic eye still swimming around his cylindrical home. "Oh good! Rick didn't destroy Sam's home." Discord said, properly placing back the cylinder container bsck on the shelf.

"Are you kidding me?! Can you help me here Discord!!" Morty yelled. As Rick groaned. His eyes opened revealing the same color red as the powder on table on his eyes. The red in his eyes quickly faded as Rick was no longer high.

"Don't bother, Rick just took a drug called Korax-sys. It makes you very pleasured but for the cost of your energy. It's just for a short time don't worry. By now the effects have worn off." Discord explained, on his claw was a blue arm cannon he was just about to put back on the metal shelf.

"Thank God.." Morty sighed in relief. Knowing that his grandpa is not in danger.

"Morty.." Rick said. As he tried to stand up. "Discord.. we're going to.." Rick sighed. He can't handle sleep right now. So he took a syringe filled with a chemical from his pocket and stabbed himself with it. He suddenly shook off his sleepiness and went back to being fully awake. "Woo, anyway. We-we-we're going to find an anti-magic area so we can *urp* portal home."

"Oh, do you? I have a room that is anti-magic." Discord said.

"Really?" Morty said.

"Well.. not really." Discord walked up to the main room as Rick and Morty followed suit. They turned to a door near Discord's meaningless umbrella rack. Discord opened it to reveal a medium sized room filled with black and grey sound foam on the walls and a grey carpet on the floor. In the center of the room was a machine that was touching the bright, bubbly, white dome. Making the dome even bigger. "This thing is still making the anti-magic bubble. We just need.." Discord then had a mailman attire with a calculator on his paw. "Bah," He then ripped off his costume into oblivion. "we need 12 hours more until this thing can fully charge."

"Alriight! In the mean time, let's just find an anti-magical area around this planet." Rick suggested.

"I know one!" Discord yelled out.

"Where?" Rick asked.

"You'll see. Let's prepare for now. I heard there's dangerous creatures around the area."

Author's Note

(1) I don't know how to say: "Disscorde" so I just added "è". I'm not taking a smash on French people, just don't know how it works.

Also, I planned to make a detailed scene of Rick making the drugs. But sadly I won't do it.