Why Is The Rum Always Gone?

by Forgotmyusername

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other
Length: 4802

A swashbuckling adventure of ponies and a certain displaced Captain on the high seas of Equestria

There is a bedroom in one of the towers of the Castle of the Pony Sisters, superbly preserved under many layers of spells meant to keep it safe and secure, waiting upon the return of its occupant. Decorated in navy, violet and black, it is a safe guess as to whom it used to host in its glory days.

The east-facing windowsill is of no particular immediate significance. Like all the others, it holds objects from a bygone age, relics of past adventurers who found themselves at odds with the Sisters and fell against them. However, upon this particular windowsill rest two nondescript items that differ from all the others in that room. To anypony who were to see them, nothing about them screams that they are from another world. They lay there, safe in their inconspicuousness, silently waiting.

The ship in a bottle and the tricorn hat sit on their windowsill, from which can be seen, with an extremely good eye, the city of Baltimare and Horseshoe Bay, waiting for their master to reclaim them.

Edit - As suggested by the comments I should note that this story will not be up for crossovers with other displaced. Yet.

Published 2016-03-15 05:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-09 23:03:50 UTC

Chapter 1

For many centuries, the Everfree Forest never been regarded as the safest place to venture. Only recently had it begun to give up its secrets, and then only to the few ponies brave or foolhardy enough to venture under its dark foliage. It had never been fully mapped, though not for lack of trying. Several times had the pegasi had a crack at this task, flying safely above the treeline and noting where the paths they could see led, but each time the maps had been different, the many paths through the woods seeming to change to confuse and entrap the unwary.

Ironically, this had made places already within its borders some of the safest places on Equus. Many an old doomsday weapon, held in lost bunkers now far beyond the reach of even the most daring archaeologists and adventurers were lost forever. Know where something is, and you can take it. If you don’t know where your treasure is however, how can you ever find it?

This fact was not lost on Princess Twilight Sparkle, Grand Magus, Element of Magic, Knight of Harmony, Master of the Grand Library at Ponyville, and several other titles besides (none of which she would ever call herself by), as she made her way back home from the most well known structure in the Everfree Forest – The Castle of the Pony Sisters. At her side, one of her greatest friends, Applejack the Honest, walked, straining under the weight of the cart full of books, tomes and grimoires.

Under advisement from both Celestia and Luna, Twilight was carrying out the task of emptying the ancient bookshelves from the ancient ruins. As some of the books held there were probably incredibly dangerous, possibly outmatching even some in the Forbidden Archives in the Starswirl The Bearded Wing of the Royal Canterlot Library, all three alicorns agreeing that Twilight should take possession of the old archives, lest some enterprising soul run the risk of finding and reading something that could summon a Thing that Should Not Be.

Applejack sighed in gratitude when they finally entered Twilight’s castle courtyard and she was able to unhitch herself from the cart. “Lemme tell ya Twi, ah’m glad that’s the last of them. I think my back might break if I do any more heavy liftin’ today” she groaned, slowly rotating her legs one by one to get the blood flowing again. “Ah think I’m gonna have a nice long bath when I get back to mah house.”

No sooner had the words left her mouth that a small and very localised rainstorm suddenly fell on her from above. Applejack suppressed the startled jump she felt, and would have begun to blame Discord and his peculiarly good sense of comic timing if she hadn’t recognised the barely suppressed sniggering coming from somewhere above the cloud. Thankfully, the rain wasn’t too cold and was quite refreshing, so she just chuckled and called out “Or Rainbow Dash could jus’ do that. Thank you Rainbow!”

“You’re welcome!” replied Rainbow Dash, as she peeked over the edge of the raincloud, her signature grin plastered all over her face. “I saw you coming back and figured you might be wanting a shower!”

Twilight chuckled at the antics of her friends. “So long as you know you’re cleaning up the mess, Rainbow Dash.” Rainbow pouted at this. “It isn’t fair to leave everything to Spike, especially since he’s going to be busy helping me organise all of these.” Twilight gestured to the immense pile of books.
“Yeah, I’d rather be outside than helping with all that” Rainbow replied. “No offence, but I think I’d go mad if I had to help with sorting out all those boring old things”
“I wouldn’t be so sure” Twilight smiled. “There are some adventure stories in here as well.”

Rainbow’s ears twitched at this. She quickly stopped the rain shower and moved it out of the way of Applejack, allowing the warmth of the sun to begin drying the latter off, before zipping over to the cart. She picked one off the cart at random. “Ooh, are there any Daring Doo books here?” she enquired, quickly glancing at the title, sticking her tongue out at it and tossing it back on the pile.
“No, Daring Doo wasn’t around a thousand years ago!” Twilight groaned at her friend’s obliviousness of history. “There might be something like that though, just let me organise all of these and then I’ll find you a good story to try.” No sooner were the words out of her mouth however than Rainbow let out an excited little squeak. She was holding a book with an odd looking skull and two swords crossed underneath it motif.
“Look, I found one!” She glanced at the title. “Set Sail and Conquer. It’s about pirates!”

Twilight grabbed the book in her telekinetic grasp, blew the dust off, and opened it at a random page. She flicked through it, then, with a quick nod, passed it back to Rainbow. “That’s fine. Just don’t take any others until I’ve had a chance to make sure they’re not dangerous.”
“Fine, fine” replied Rainbow, already chuckling with excitement. She’d already read all the Daring Doo books and another wasn’t scheduled to be out for a few months at least.

As Spike trotted out of the castle and began to assist Twilight in organising the books for shelving and Applejack trotted off towards Sweet Apple Acres, Rainbow flew towards her cloud home, book in hoof, ready to read stories of adventure on the high seas.

~

It had been a hard afternoon for Spike, but he wasn’t tired. He was shelving new books, something that he only rarely got to do – he was usually reshelving the entire library due to a whim of his big sister’s. As he turned a corner on his way to get some more books off the cart, he ran into a cyan blue wall. He looked around, past the mare in front of him, and around the room. He gasped.
“What?” asked Rainbow.
“You came in through the door! You didn’t use a window, or the wall! Who are you and what have you done with Rainbow Dash?” Spike replied, with as much sarcasm as he could muster.
“Har har” Rainbow laughed. “I’m looking for a book, can you help me out here?”
“Sure. What are you looking for? Have you finished that one Twilight gave you already?”
“No, but it’s given me an idea for something I wanna try. I need a book about drinking.”
Spike looked quizzically at her. “What do you mean?”
“The book kept going on about something called Rum. I want to try some.”
“So why do you need a book?”
“ ‘Cos I want to make some! Why else do you think? I need a recipie!”

Spike gave Rainbow a sidelong look. He thought for a moment, then asked “So why do you need a recipie? Just get some from somewhere.”
“Well I tried that” Rainbow replied. “Problem is no one in Ponyville has any. I even asked Berry Punch, but she only stocks that fruit cider of hers. And she’s never really happy to part with any of the fun stuff.”
“Well...” began Spike. “Can you keep a secret?”
Rainbow looked interested. “Sure! What is it?”
“You’ve got to Pinkie Promise not to tell anyone! Especially not Twilight, I really don’t need her finding out about this.”
Rainbow was getting really excited. “Sure I can! Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”
“Good” Spike looked hard at her, then pulled her ear close to his mouth, then whispered “I’ve got some.”
Rainbow pulled back and looked at Spike in surprise. “You’ve got some? But you’re only a kid! How have you got some?”
Spike chuckled. “Well, do you know what rum is?”
“Yeah” replied Rainbow, “it’s this alcoholic drink made from sugar isn’t it?”
“Correct answer! Next question, do you know how we dragons breathe fire?”
Rainbow thought for a minute. “No” she answered slowly.

Spike went into lecture mode, something he very rarely got the opportunity to do. “Well, we dragons have a special organ that collects fuel to power our fire breathing. For most dragons, they stock up on lava when they go on the dragon migration. It’s why so much fighting happens during the migration, everydrake is trying to get rid of the last of their fuel reserves so as to fill up with fresh stuff. However, I don’t go on the migration, use my fire more often than most dragons do and need to keep my flames small, so I don’t burn anything down. So when we were still in Canterlot, I came up with a solution to my problem with Princess Celestia – a rum flavoured solution. Basically, since alcohol is flammable, it can be used as fuel, and therefore dragons can’t get drunk! So with Princess Celestia, I tried loads of drinks and settled on rum as the drink that I like best that gives me the most fuel. I get several bottles every month to keep myself fuelled up.”

“Cool! So why do I need to keep this a secret?” Rainbow asked.
“You saw Twilight after two mugs of hard cider” Spike replied with a deadpan face. “Do you really want to deal with her further gone than that?”
Rainbow laughed. “I get it. I completely understand. So can I get some please?”
Spike nodded. “I’ll give you one bottle. If you like it, you can keep it. But one bottle only, you’ll have to get your own after this.”
“Thanks Spike, you’re the best!” cheered Rainbow, a grin plastered all over her face. “Can you go get it now? I’ll be out of your scales before you can say ‘drink’!”

Spike nodded, looked around carefully, and led Rainbow into the castle, looking out for a certain purple pony princess all the way.

~

It was with a certain amount of resignation that Twilight looked at the form of Rainbow Dash looking guiltily up at her.
“I really should have guessed that you’d end up spilling something all over the book, I really should. Why do I let you get away with these kinds of things again?”
“Because we’re the bestest of friends?” Rainbow replied hopefully.
Twilight sighed. “So where did you get the rum from anyway? I didn’t see any alcohol the last time I was at your house”
Rainbow had planned for this. “I got some from Canterlot?” Twilight seemed mollified by this. “Look, I said I was sorry. I mean, it’s not as if it was one of those big spellbooks, right?”
Twilight nodded. “You know what? I’m glad it wasn’t. Who knows what might have happened if you’d done that. You might have set fire to the library, given yourself another head, or released something the princesses locked away for a long time.”
“Yeah” laughed Rainbow, “At least nothing bad can happen with a storybook”.

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Now, had Pinkie been nearby, she would have mentioned right there and then the way her right ear twitched and revealed that somepony had said something they’d later come to regret. On this information Twilight would have thought over the preceding conversation and started looking in more detail at the book that was currently soaked through in rum. She might have noticed the way the ink from the pages had not just soaked into the paper but had seemingly drained right out of the book. She might have sent a letter to the Royal Sisters asking about the book and what might have happened, and the sisters might have taken steps to stop the events that unfolded.

But Pinkie was nowhere near Twilight’s Castle at the time, she was up in Canterlot hosting a birthday party for Fancy Pants, and so put her ear twitch down to one of the nobility saying something whilst drunk. And so nopony even thought to head into the Everfree one last time that day.

Luna’s old tower room in the Castle of the Royal Sisters has four windows, each facing the cardinal directions. The east-facing windowsill is of no particular immediate significance. Like all the others, it held objects from a bygone age, relics of past adventurers who found themselves at odds with the Sisters and fell against them. However, upon this particular windowsill rested two nondescript items that differed from all the others in that room. To anypony who were to see them, nothing about them screams that they are from another world. They lay there, safe in their inconspicuousness, silently waiting.

The ship in a bottle and the tricorn hat sat on their windowsill, from which can be seen, with an extremely good eye, the city of Baltimare and Horseshoe Bay. And on that particular evening, with the moonrise shining through the east window and the sunset shining through the west, a hand reached down and picked up the tricorn hat.

Author's Note

This is a pilot - what do you think? Do you want more? If so, I'll keep going, so please let me know what you think, and if there's enough demand, I'll keep going

Chapter 2

The city of Baltimare has what historians only stopped calling a chequered past after the First Escape of Discord and the chess board appearance of the local Ponyville area. It was first founded when a travelling fish-griffon pranked a noblepony by telling her that the seaweed in the Horseshoe Bay was a local delicacy, which backfired slightly when Her Royal Highness Princess Celestia was seen trying some at a royal banquet one evening several weeks later.

Celestia would later admit to not actually enjoying it and just keeping her smile running as usual, but by that point the court had seen this and all immediately started asking for it (assuming it was an acquired taste and that they just didn’t get it at the time). The town would grow into a joint pony-griffon fishing port and later trading city, with the shipyards of Baltimare crafting some of the finest seagoing and later air-ships in all Equus.

It also had a reputation as a pirate town, given that nobody in Equestria paid much attention to what happened on the seas beyond the horizon, meaning that so long as no one asked too closely about where your cargo came from, any ship could dock there. And in any town where pirates make port, there will be taverns and pubs to accommodate their tastes for food and booze.

Like all good back corners, the corner of The Timber Heart pub was shrouded in shadow and smelled slightly of wine. Many stories have been told involving that particular corner, including one about a griffon ranger, 4 breezies and a magical piece of jewellery that the barman thought was rather funny, even if it did cost him several pillows.

Pitching Moment wasn’t much for history, so didn’t really care about the legacy of the corner she was sat in. The light grey unicorn with blue-white striped hair and cloud for a cutie mark was much more interested in seeing whether the solution to her problems could be found at the bottom of this particular bottle of wine.

So engrossed was she in her studies that she failed to notice when the pub’s door opened and she completely ignored the character who entered. She didn’t notice as the pub’s newest patron headed up to the bar, collected a drink, and headed towards her.

“You’re in my spot” the figure announced after standing in front of her for a few moments. At this, she looked up.

Her first thought was ‘minotaur’. Her second disagreed with her first and pointed out the fact that minotaurs usually have horns. Her third also mentioned that they’re also usually a bit bigger, and would probably have to stoop down in a room with a ceiling the height it was. Her fourth noted that minotaurs don’t usually wear that many clothes. Her fifth grew exasperated with her and nearly shouted at her that minotaurs are blue, not slightly off pink.

Her sixth was that she’d been staring for a while and should probably reply to whatever the not-minotaur was.
“What?” Yeah, that’d do it

“That there is my seat” said the not-minotaur, smiling strangely at her. “There are many like it, but that one is mine.” It dawned on the slightly inebriated Pitching Moment that he was trying to take her seat away from her.
“What do you mean ‘this is your seat’?” she asked, slightly annoyed. “I don’t see your name on it.”

“Sure it is! It’s carved underneath the table, just to your left there!”
Pitching leaned over to look. As she did so, she was suddenly pushed so that she overbalanced and fell to the floor. As she stood up, the figure stole the chair and sat down. Pitching whirled around. “Hey!” she shouted.

The figure put down his drink, a large rocks glass filled with what looked like whiskey, his hat and a plate of hay fries, the latter of which he pushed towards Pitching with a “Ok, here you are”.
Pitching spluttered for a moment, before settling herself down in the chair opposite where she had been sitting and taking one of the hay fries. “What do you want?” She asked.

“Who says I want anything?” the stranger replied. “Maybe I just want to sit and drink! Goodness knows I’ve not had a drink in… well far too long at least,” he continued as he took a swig of his drink. “Oh yeah, that’s the stuff.”
“You sit at my table without asking and steal my chair, whilst I’m sitting in it I might add. You clearly want to speak to me. What do you want?”
“Believe me or not, this is actually my seat, or at least used to be,” the stranger repeated his claim. “I’ve been out of town for a while. Why are you here?”

The question reminded Pitching of why she was halfway through the bottle in the first place, and she slumped back to her original position of slouched over the table from her new seat. “Why should you care?” she grumbled.
“Hey, I see someone drinking as much as I usually would for breakfast, I’m gonna want to know why! So, come on, have at me. What’s got your tail in a twist?”

Pitching sighed. “I just got kicked out of the only job I ever wanted ‘cos some stupid asshat up in Canterlot decided that he didn’t like the airship I built for him.”

The stranger cocked his head sideways. “Airship?”
“Yeah, I design airships for a living, over in the Ember-Air Shipyards. Or,” she sighed again, “I used to at least.”
“I didn’t know someone could fire you over something like that.”
“That’s what I thought too, but when I went to the guard about it they said that it wasn’t their problem,” Pitching grumbled, a stormy look on her face.

The stranger looked like he was thinking hard about something. He took a long pull from his drink, looked slyly at Pitching, and asked, as innocently as possible, “Can I see your design?”

Pitching lit up her horn and levitated out the satchel she’d left underneath the table, and withdrew a blueprint, spreading it out for them both to see.

The stranger looked over the drawing with an appreciative eye. “That’s an interesting design. I’m betting that it wasn’t a griffon that rejected this design.”
“Right” Pitching agreed. “We did manage to sell the airship to a griffon mercenary thankfully, but the original client viewed the hawk-head design as an insult, so forced the company to fire me.”

The stranger leaned back in his chair, took a sip of his drink, then leaned his head back, obviously thinking about something. “How much does it cost to have a custom airship like that one built?” he asked after a moment.

“That one was 30,000 bits,” Pitching replied. “It really all depends on how large you want it though, I’ve worked on projects that can be anywhere from 10,000 all the way up to 250,000 bits, although that one was commissioned by Princess Luna after her return.” At this, the stranger looked puzzled.

“Luna? She was away?”

At this, Pitching gave him her best ‘you serious?’ look.

“Hey, I said I’ve been out of the loop didn’t I?” the stranger continued quickly.
“I suppose…” Pitching replied. “Ok, so you know the Mare in the Moon?” The stranger gave her a blank look. “Seriously? Every foal in Equestria knows the story!”

The stranger looked down at himself and back up at her with his best ‘not a pony’ look.

Pitching took a moment to suspend her disbelief enough so that she could believe that someone could have not heard about this. “Basically, Princess Luna went crazy just over a thousand years ago and tried to declare eternal night, calling herself Nightmare Moon, but Celestia beat her and sealed her in the moon for a thousand years.”

“The hell? I thought those two were inseparable!” the stranger muttered, mostly to himself.

“Well, as it turns out, Luna’d gotten possessed by some evil nightmare spirit or something so wasn’t herself,” Pitching continued. “Fast forward to a couple years back, she gets out of the moon and tries again, but this time the Elements of Harmony blasted her with the power of rainbows and friendship and turned her good again. Anyway, airships hadn’t been invented back in her time, so we got to build one for her!”

“That I understand,” the stranger chuckled. “It was all waterborne ships back in those days.” He went back to staring at the ceiling, occasionally sipping his drink, lost in thought. Pitching watched him for a few minutes, before going back to her own.

She was halfway through the plate of hay fries and her thoughts had meandered back towards interesting faces a certain prince could pull if she dunked a bucket of mud over his head when the stranger spoke up again. “So, what are your plans now?”
“Huh?” Pitching looked at him like he was crazy.

“Are you going to look for a job with another company?” he clarified his earlier question.
Pitching’s face fell back to its unhappy mode and she slumped back to the table. “I already asked around, and the prince has made it quite clear that no company that hires me will get any royal commissions ever again, so nopony will.”

“Prince you say? There’s a male alicorn now? And he’s that petty that he’ll ruin somebody’s life over an airship design that he didn’t care for?” the stranger sounded offended on her behalf.
“What? No, Prince Blueblood. He’s like, the head of the nobility or something? I don’t think he’s actually a prince, just calls himself that to appease his ego.”
“Ah, just a massive tool,” The stranger chuckled.

After another drink, he gave her a calculating look, then spoke again, almost hesitantly. “How hard would it be for you to build your own airship?”
Pitching looked at him like he was mad. “What are you drinking? I can’t afford my own airship!”

He gave her another look. “Ok, let’s say that you had all the money in the Royal coffers. Could you build it?”

Pitching opened her mouth to retort, but then the idea took root. “I guess you could…” she responded after a moment. “You’d need to get the materials pre-cut and delivered, order the tools and equipment and hire a workforce to help build it. You’d have to rent out dock space or build your own, either would be just as costly as each other really, but I suppose it would be possible.”

The stranger thought to himself for a minute. “She’d need to be the fastest thing in the sky, able to outrun the fastest pegasi at full speed,” he began, speaking slowly, almost to himself. “Quiet too, so that she could approach a sleeping dragon without waking it up. She wouldn’t need to be too tough, but she’d still want to be able to take a few mana bolts from a war mage or a dragon’s fire a few times before needing to be repaired. She’d want to have a fair amount of hold space for cargo while at the same time having just as much if not more defensive armament than a mercenary escort ship. And… let’s say ten crew members but operable by only two or three if needed.”

Pitching wanted to exclaim how silly the whole concept was, but as he spoke, ideas crept into her mind. Deck layout and engine locations, balloon envelope styles and decoration, flight systems and weapon mountings. Once the stranger had finished speaking, he sat back and watched as her eyes flicked left and right as slowly in her mind’s eye, an image of the airship she could build with those specifications slowly came into focus. It would be the greatest ship she, or anypony for that matter, had ever built.

“How much would it cost?” the stranger whispered just loudly enough for her to hear, but deep as she was in thought she didn’t realise he’d said anything. Her train of thought had well and truly left the station now and was accelerating down the tracks at breakneck speed. Material amounts and costs started adding themselves up, labour and the cost of a dock for the length of time required added itself to the figure.

“It’d be 300,000 bits at least, probably closer to 4 actually” she muttered.

“Capital!” exclaimed the stranger, shocking her back to reality. “I’ll provide the money, you provide the plans and we can go from there! Sound good to you?”

“What?” Pitching spluttered. “Are you serious? You have that kind of money?”
“…Not right now, but give me a couple of days and I’ll have that money.” He smiled at her. “So, are you in or not?”

Pitching blinked a few times. The thought occurred to her that if he was lying then she really had nothing to lose at this point, but if he wasn’t… “I’m in.”

The stranger put his hand up to his face and spat in his palm, before reaching out and grabbing her forehoof before she had a chance to pull it away. As soon as he let go, she pulled her foreleg back and wiped it disgustedly. The stranger ignored her protests as he got to his feet and downed the rest of his drink. “I’ll be back at this table same time next week. You bring your designs, I’ll bring the money, and we can go from there! We good? We’re good! Right then! Pitching Moment, I’m looking forward to our partnership!”

As he moved to pick up his hat, Pitching Moment managed to get a word in. “I think you’re crazy, but to Tartarus with it. I’ll see you in a week. Hang on, you never gave me your name! What do I call you?”

The largest smile Pitching Moment had ever seen spread across the stranger’s face. “This is a day in the history books for you, Pitching moment.” The smile broke into a grin as he twirled his hat in his fingers before placing it on his head It seemed to Pitching Moment as if this was something he’d been waiting to say all his life. “You will always remember this as the day that you met, Captain Jack Sparrow!”

Author's Note

So as it turns out FimFiction is a thing. Probably shouldn't have forgotten about it. Other standard excuses about "Sorry I've been away, real life shenanigans" and all that baloney. I really want to know what happened 3 weeks ago now, because there's been pretty much no comments left for a good year and then suddenly a whole bunch all at once. If you're wondering, that's what reminded me about this story.

Jack's not going to be in character for the entire story. This is intentional as he is a displaced, although that's mostly just to allow me to not keep him in character and to allow him to make any references he wants.

The idea for this story first came about in the pre-Starlight Glimmer days, and is therefore set before she joined the show. I may bring her in later, I may not. Depends on where we go from here.

Finally, for anybody interested, I was going to put in the drawing of the airship Pitching Moment designed, but FimFiction doesn't like pictures for some reason. Instead, here's a link to DeviantArt so you can see it there instead. Recognise it? Good!