All Manner of Meanderingsby ValhuirChaptersOn HumanityOn Rock FarmsOn Pranks and Big BadsOn Big BoomsOn Humanity“What is my world like? Wow, you really started with a softball question there, Princess.” The purple alicorn known as Twilight Sparkle had the grace to at least appear to be embarrassed at that statement. “Well, I ask, because you're nothing like the humans from the other side of the mirror. I know about humans, at least biologically, but I was wondering how different your world is from theirs.” “Stop right there,” I said. “First of all, I doubt, honestly, that the humans you mentioned before, and my brand of Homo sapiens, are even related. For one, we don't come in rainbow colors, just varying shades of brown and beige, with only a little hue difference thrown in for good measure. Second, it's likely to be VERY different. The world you told me about seems to be more of a divergent reality of this one – too many counterparts, for example.” Oops. Now I'd done it. I saw her eyes open wide and an excited smile threaten to split her head wide open. “Divergent as opposed to paralell? That's amazing! If we could isolate the moment of divergence, we could possibly...” “Erm... can we get back to that later?” “Oh... right. Well, I guess you could just give me a sort of overview?” She glanced down at her supplies, and I'd hazard a guess that she was ensuring she had enough ink and parchment, as well as a few spare quills. “Yes,an overview of a world with over seven billion people, and a recorded history dating back several thousand years. It'll only take a few months, honest!” I snarked at her. “S... s... seven billion? As in, a thousand times seven million?” I grinned. “Give or take, yep. Remember, there are no other sapient species on our planet.” “But... but how do you FEED that many pon... people?” “Ahhh, the wonders of technology,” was the only answer I gave her. “Anyway, let's start with anatomy and biology, then move on to psychology, sociology, and history...” It's a good thing Spike kept us fueled with coffee and snacks. I could tell the little guy was not interested in how many stomachs humans had, or how the biceps muscle not only operated in a human arm, but also why it was socially considered a sign of physical strength. About an hour and a half later, I had exhausted all I could think of on the basic anatomy of a human being. I know I got a few bone names wrong, and I'm not exactly a doctor, but hey. “So... that's that. Sorry it's not in too much of an order, guess you could collate your notes when you can find the time.” “Of course!” Twilight said, her eyes brightening. “Which will give me plenty of time to study my notes further. Now what can you tell me about the common psychology of your people?” I was silent for a while, pondering how best to answer that question. “Well... a lot of human psychology comes from both our cultures, and from how we evolved.” “Evolved”? Her face was scrunched up in mild confusion. “What do you mean by 'evolved'?” “Well, the generally accepted scientific theory for life on Earth is that over thousands of generations, a species will undergo changes to best suit its environment, and its place in that environment. Over enough time, a single species can completely change, or even split into different species if the environment or place in that environment is different enough. That's known as 'evolution'. There are those that do not accept that, citing religion and saying, 'it's only a theory', not realizing that using the term 'theory' in science is only one step shy of 'Law'.” “Thousands of... okay, I know I'll regret saying this, but how old is your world?” I looked at her. “How old is my world, or how old is life on my world?” “B-b-both?” She was wincing, like she was not expecting to like the answer. “Our planet was thought to be about four and a half billion years old. The earliest signs of life were at four billion years ago, but life really started flourishing in what is known as the Cambrian Explosion, about five hundred million years ago. And as for humans, we currently think the first early humans appeared about two million years ago.” I then grinned at her. “We're just young'uns, on a geological scale.” *THUD* Just great. “SPIKE! Can you bring me a glass of water and a towel?” -=*=-=*=- Twilight dabbed the last of the water off her face as she glared at me. “You could have found another way,” she said. “Aww, poor wittle gwumpy pwincess not wike a widdle wawa?” Her horn started glowing. “Stop. You don't wanna know what I will do if you don't.” An evil grin crept across her face. “On second thought, please continue. I have some new spells to try out. You know, the ones Discord taught me?” “Oooookay, moving on. So, humans evolved from a species of plains-dwelling apes. So, yes, Rainbow was right to an extent, we are related to monkeys. Closer related to chimps and orangutans, though. We developed an upright posture to help keep a lookout, or so we think, and developed a hunting method relatively unique to us. We simply never stopped chasing our prey.” “But you're not really that fast – even I can outrun you,” she protested. “Fast? Who needs to be fast. I said we. Never. Stopped. Before I start this example, please remember that our prey species were not sapient.” I stretched a little, hearing the joints in my shoulder pop as I considered how to phrase things. “So, we have an antelope. It's fast, very fast, and can even outrun the big cats. All of a sudden, this weird tall, skinny ape charges at it. Of course it'll run. Then, when it thinks it's far enough away, it settles down to rest. “Well, no sooner has it started to collect itself, than the ape is back, still chasing it. So it runs away again. Every time the antelope thinks it's far enough away, the darn ape is there. Eventually, it's too tired to run anymore, and... well, the overall term is 'persistence hunting'. I may not be in the best of shape now, but when I was younger I'd run seven miles a day easy for PT in the mornings when I was in the Corps. And that's not even getting into Marathon runners, who run a little over twenty-six miles in a single race, or the hyper-marathoners, who run hundreds of miles per race.” “Th... the... THE POOR ANTELOPE!” she bawled. “TWILIGHT!” I snapped, and the tears suddenly stopped. “It was just an example. Humans haven't hunted that way for thousands of years.” Once again, she looked embarrassed. “Oh. Right. So how does this apply to human psychology?” “I gave you the answer right there. A lot of human psychology can be originated from the fact that, with a clear goal and desire for that goal, humans just do not give up.” I shrugged. “A person might give up, but a group of humans won't give up until we are practically beaten about the head and shoulders with the fact that something might be impossible – and even then some of us keep trying. And if we find out why something is impossible, that leads us to figuring out how to make it possible.” “And this explains how you were able to develop technology without magic assistance, wow. Well, then, besides that, how would you say humans compare to ponies in personality?” I was silent for a while, thinking. “Twilight, you know that game Spike plays with Snips, Snails, and Pipsqueak? The one about using dice and stuff to pretend to be a pre-Discord era adventurer?” “Yes?” she asked. “You know the alignment system it uses? It has two axis – a moral axis, from good to evil, and a 'harmony' axis, from Law to Chaos? Well, both races can potentially be just as selfless and good as all get out, and the average pony is about the same as the average human. But... well, where about the only pony you've told me about I would actually call 'evil' was Sombra, there have been countless evil humans through the centuries. “Hitler. Pol Pot. Stalin. They were evil writ large scale. They committed atrocities even Sombra would pale at. In fact, for most of recorded human history, the heroes weren't the most morally upright or inspiring people – they were the ones who fought the best and killed many enemies.” She shuddered. “That's horrible!” “It wasn't all bad. Some of the greatest of the heroes were also good men and women. King Arthur was a legendary ruler who balanced skill in battle with wisdom, and the concept of real justice and not 'eye for an eye' justice. He may or may not have actually existed, but he represented an ideal we still hold for over a thousand years. Joan of Arc was, removing the religious elements, a woman who sought the freedom of her people from an oppressive foreign power. More recently, the fictional heroes most celebrated by our culture are beings of great power, who use that power to protect the innocent, right great wrongs, and stand as a bulwark against disaster. “The fact remains, not every human is good. There are those, however, who declare our entire species irredeemably evil having been swept up in the morass of our so-called 'news media'. If a human meets thirty people, and twenty nine are polite and kind while one is rude and cruel, they will only remember the rude and cruel one. We read about evil deeds and dark things, so we can think to ourselves 'Oh, goodness, thankfully none of that happened to my friends and family.' Our news media caters to that, telling us about the darkest, most disastrous events leavened with the occasional tiny grain of hope with a so-called heartwarming story.” I sat there for a moment, thinking. “Truth is, despite what most people think, mankind is slowly but surely getting better. As of the time I left Earth, the number of people who died in war per year was at its lowest point in recorded history. Teen pregnancy was at its lowest ebb, and the number of people who lived in what could be called 'abject poverty' had been literally cut in half over the preceeding ten years. Public acceptance for people who were different was at an all-time high, and every year our overall societal enlightenment grew by more than the year before.” Her quill had fallen silent. “So you're saying that humans aren't perfect, but that they're getting better.” I shrugged. “Isn't that the goal of any sapient species? To be better as beings and as a society than the generation before?” She smirked. “Not if you ask the Diamond Dogs. They want to have more gems than the previous generation.” “Give them time, you highness,” I said. “Give them time.” She nodded, and picked her quill up. “Okay, so now, history. Let's start with the oldest actual writings you have.” “Well, we could go further back thanks to anthropology, but the earliest extant writings were, I think, from a place called Sumeria...” Author's Note Yes, I finally decided to add some musings to this site. The above short story was pretty much inspired by all the "HOOMANS IS EEVIL!" bits I've seen in various other stories and other sites, and could theoretically fit in any number of typical "Human in Equestria" stories. Future chapters could be shaggy dogs, feghoots, philosophical musings, or even headcanon. You have been warned! On Rock FarmsIt wasn't a quarry. Of course it wasn't a quarry. No matter the fact that they dug rock out of the earth for use in construction projects, paving stones, and the occasional neolithic structure (“In case of Stonehenge Emergencies!” had declared Pinkie Pie), it wasn't a quarry. It was a rock farm. Naturally. Respectable Earth Ponies work on farms, not in quarries, after all. Neither was it a mine. Nope, it definitely wasn't a mine. Of course it wasn't! It wasn't a dark, smelly hole in the ground that could cave in on them at any moment. Never mind that they provided ores to various industries, as well as crystals and gems for all sorts of purposes. It was a rock farm. Naturally. Only Diamond Dogs dug in dangerous mines, after all. So it was only natural that on my visit to Pinkie Pie's family, I saw something that just HAD to make sense. Well, it just HAD to. Otherwise, I'd think I'd finally flipped my lid. Pinkie's father was wearing a yoke, very similar to Big Mac's. He wss dragging a plow being guided by his wife, while the rest of the family was sprinkling sand, iron filings, and shattered geodes into the furrows. A rock farm. And I'd arrived around planting season. -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- “Now, son, life on a rock farm is different from those other farms, y'hear?” Igneous Rock Pie was talking in a rather animated way for him – meaning only slightly slower and less excited than a typical pony trying to explain calculus. “Planting season takes a few weeks, yes, but growing season lasts three years for the slabs, four for the ores, and six for the gems.” I nodded, as Cloudy Quartz served dinner. Pinky dove right in to the greyish... whatever it was, while the rest of her friends did what I did, and try to figure out what it was before trying a bite. “Ah thought rocks took a lot longer to form, mister Pie?” asked Applejack. “Oh, they do, young lass, they do – without Earth Pony Magic, of course. Tomorrow is Stamping Day, y'see.” Right. Magic. Explains it all, I suppose. But I had to ask. “Stamping Day?” “Yes, don't you know,” said Cloudy. “Why do you think we asked Pinkie back for this week?” “Even Maud will be back tomorrow,” insisted Limestone. Igneous looked at us. “Now, you Pegas... Pegasuseses... you folk with wings, you Unicorns, you little dragon, and you... whatever you are, you need to stay indoors on the morrow, y'hear me? This is Earth Pony Magic, and you others have been known to cause weird things to happen.” “An' what will I be doin'?” asked Applejack. “Just think of it as bucking the ground, of course!” declared Pinkie. She glanced at my almost uneaten grey mush. “Are you gonna eat that?” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Sure enough, Maud was back from studying for her Rocktorate shortly after dinner had finished. I wondered why she, of all the sisters, wore eyeshadow, then shrugged. Maybe she'd met a handsome petrolith at school, then I chided myself internally for such a rude thought. I sat on my pallet in the Pie Guest Room. It was huge, actually large enough for all of us (sans Pinkie, who was supposed to be back in her old room), but none of the beds were large enough for me. So there I was on the floor, on a pile of overlapping blankets. Pinkie had joined us a short while back, mostly because, as she said, “With all of my friends at home, I finally get a sleepover like it was elementary school!” I glanced at Spike. He glanced at me. We both rolled our eyes. Twilight opened her mouth and inhaled, but before she could speak, Spike said, “No, Twilight. No checklists, no books, no guides, and no manuals. This place is boring enough as it is, it could use a little spontaneity.” “Why, Spikey, how rude! Just because things are a little... well, a touch... umm, drab, doesn't mean we have to be so blunt about it!” Rarity's scolding did seem a mite half-hearted, it should be said. “I agree with Spike, this place is BO-RING,” declared Rainbow Dash. “And I can't even leave the house tomorrow? PSHAW!” “Don't worry, silly,” said Pinkie. “After Stamping Day, you can do whatever you want!” Twilight perked up a little. “How many Stamping Days have you had since you've been at the farm?” “This'll be my first!” she declared. “Planting Season is a few weeks long, then growing season a few years, then Harvest is twenty years long!” THUD< “Spike, go get a glass of water.” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Stamping Day was... weird. It was like watching an interpretive dance to a bongo beat, as all of the Pies, and Applejack, practically pronked all over the field. Bouncing on all four hooves, they seemed to land harder than they should. Meanwhile, Igneous was shouting directions. “Over there! That furrow needs a flattening!” “Those geode seeds need to be deeper, Marble!” “Limestone, move away from the durn boulder! You've already Stamped that area fifty times!” Twilight was scribbling furiously, drawing diagrams and taking notes. Fluttershy was staying well away from the windows, probably hoping no little critters got Stamped, and Rarity and Spike were playing checkers in the middle of the living room. “BORED!” suddenly shouted Rainbow Dash. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at Rainbow. Rainbow blinked. “Aren't you guys bored, too?” she asked after a few moments. “Not really, no,” I said. I had my Game Colt, after all, a gift from Princess Luna on my second anniversary of arriving here. It may have been magically powered, with game crystals instead of cartridges, but it was fun. “Not really, dear,” said Rarity, turning back to the checkerboard, one hoof to her chin in thought. “umm... no?” Three guesses who said that, and the first two don't count. “Bored? But... but... Research! Aspects of rock farming never fully documented! Academic paper published! KNOWLEDGE!” Twilight was up on her hind hooves by this point, surreptitiously being steadied by Spike. Rainbow blinked. After a few moments, she settled down on the floor. “Oh.” A few more moments passed. Igneous's voice drifted through the window, slightly louder than before. “I said get away from the durn boulder, Limestone!” Finally, Rainbow slumped towards the stairs. “Eh, it's naptime, anyway. I'll see you guys at dinner.” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Dinner was just as it was the day before, but with Maud present at the dinner table. “Good job, girls,” declared Igneous. Twilight was practically thrumming with energy. “So is that the end of planting season? Do the Harvest Seasons for the different crops take longer than each other? Why is Limestone obsessed with that boulder? Why does Maud wear eyeshadow? Are you actually related to the Apples? What do you do during growing season?” Igneous blinked. “That was... remarkable.” Cloudy quartz laughed slightly. “I do think I heard all of those questions. Now, let's see... Yes, that is the end of planting season. Yes, the harvest seasons take different amounts of time – gems don't take as long to harvest, and slabs take the longest to harvest. Limestone is theBorn Guardian of Holder's Boulder, which acts as a sort of lens for Earth pony Magic on Stamping Day. Maud is currently engaged to a wonderful Pegasus colt named... oh what was it... Saltwing? Sore Wing?” Rainbow Dash planted both front hooves on the table. “Soarin'? The WONDERBOLT?” Cloudy nodded. “Yes, that was him. And please take your hooves off the table, dear.” Rainbow's jaw dropped, but she complied, and lowered her hooves back to the ground. She was muttering something to the effect of “Pinkie Pie... brother in law... Wonderbolt... Soarin'... had my chance dangit...” “Yes, she wants to look pretty for her beau,” added Cloudy. “And as far as I know, we are NOT related to the apples except by marriage. If we were, poor Marble's heart would be broken. And so would your brother's, Applejack.” “EEP!” squeaked Marble, who darted under the table. “Say WHUUUU?” shouted Applejack, eyes wide. “Yes, they've been seeing each other when they could since that last Hearthwarming, don't you know.” Igneous nodded. “And I do think it is bedtime. There's a lot to do tomorrow, you all better get your rest!” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- We were headed back to Ponyville the next day, and the entire Pie family saw us to the train station. “Pinkie, Maud, dears, it was good to have you back,” said Cloudy. “Mm-hmmm,” agreed Marble. Twilight bluhed slightly. “Thank you, it was wonderful being here. But... you never did answer my last question last night!” “Oh,” asked Cloudy. “What was it?” “What do you do for the three years of Growing Season?” Igneous nodded, and took a solemn expression. “What do you expect we do?” Twilight blinked. “Umm... work hard? Do... something, I don't know what, to keep lithovores or something away from your crops?” “T'ain't no such thing as lithovores, 'sides dragons,” said Igneous. “Nope, we do the most important thing of all as dedicated rock farmers.” “And what's that?” Using one of Pinkie's tricks, Igneous pulled a huge pile of luggage out from behind him. “Vacation time! Three years in Las Pegasus ought to be enough!” Author's Note Something in my head ever since I heard the phrase "Rock Farm" On Pranks and Big BadsThe carnage was almost unimaginable. In fact, it was all Twilight could do to keep her hayfries down. “Wh... what happened here?” Chief Inspector Ratio Shades started to bow, then remembered his briefing on the relatively new princess. “Well, ma'am, we can't be certain, we can only go on the evidence present, and the... testimony of the Draconequus.” “The... Discord?” SNAP! < “You rang, oh pretty purple princess of proper partnership and prestidigitation?” Discord glanced around, slightly confused. “Sparkle-butt? Sparkle-butt?” “...gmf mff mmm...” After glancing down, Discord chuckled. “Oh, silly me. I forgot I was wearing my hippopotamus legs. And hips. And torso. Oh, and that you were in the landing zone.” Tiny butterfly wings sprouted from his nostrils, which carried him up, and off of the battered and bruised form of Twilight Sparkle. “... thnkfff...” “Don't mention it!” The wings flapped once more, then abruptly vanished. But even as Twilight's eyes grew wide in fearsome anticipation, Discord remained floating where he was. His torso and legs also reverted to his abnormal state of 'normal' with a puff of ragweed pollen and the sound of a thousand dying stars autotuned to play the Prench national anthem. “So,” asked Twilight as she clambered to her hooves, alicorn healing rapidly kicking in, “what happened here?” “Well... would you believe a prank gone horribly, horribly wrong? And it wasn't my fault, honest!” For once, Discord actually looked honest. “Seriously, this is all a big misunderstanding!” “Ponies are DEAD, Discord! How can this be a misunderstanding!” Twilight's horn and eyes both began glowing with eldritch power. “Start. Explaining. Now.” Ratio Shades interrupted. “Begging your pardon, ma'am, but I should note that the evidence fits what he told me before you got here, so at least give his story an open mind.” “Right.” The glow faded, but the glare didn't. “Your story, Discord?” -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- It's all Sombra's fault. Or what was left of him, anyway. Yes, yes, I know he's dead, but that didn't really stop him last time, now, did it? It was a Tuesday, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and I was taking a shower of ten penny nails, when I felt a knock on the door of my frontal lobes. Curious, I walked out of the shower, and answered it. Surprise, surprise, there was a big black cloud of mist, with glowing red eyes and a horn. “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” “Sommy, old bean, how are you doing? It's been a while, come in, pull up a neuron or two! Synapse chips? Seratonin dip?” “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” “Right. You want that?” “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” Roger dodger, you crazy old codger!” Now, I know what you're saying. 'But Discord, oh wondrous and noble master of all chaos, he was asking for crystals! Why are you forgetting the letter t?' And the answer? I was all out of tea, had some wonderful Earl Grey earlier that afternoon. So even though I could say a t sound, I couldn't hear it. That's my defense and I'm sticking to it. Meanwhile, out in the Badlands, dear sweet Chryssie was doing whatever Changelings do on their days off, probably trying to seduce someone's husband, or making home repairs with resinous goop. Well, whatever it was she was doing, I interrupted it. “CHRYSSIE, MY DEAR!” It was just plain rude that she chose that moment to start blasting magic at me, and having her drones spit goop at me. I yawned, then hacked up a hairball that floated into space and formed an interstellar empire before destroying itself in a nuclear conflagration. Huh? Don't worry, your species will find out about 'nuclear' things in about another two centuries or so. Anyway, I yawned, and walked out of the goop. “Now, Chryssie, is that any way to treat a pair of old friends?” “Friends?” she asked. “HARDLY! The last time you came near my hive, I had four drones making the most awful music and trying to grow long hair. And what the hell is a hand, anyway, and why would someone want to hold it? Wait... pair? Who else is with you?” “Oh, he's... a secret admirer! In fact, almost the only thing he says is YOUR name! He sais 'Chrysssallllisss...' all the time!” Her eyes narrowed. Which is a real shame, if she was going to do that she should have blinked side to side instead of that boring up and down. “You're the only one here. Where is this so-called 'secret admirer'?” “Right here!” I said, and headbutted her. Fortunately for her, I had made my horns soft as foam rubber. Unfortunately for me, she didn't have the same consideration, and boy did that smart. However, it did let me open a door and poor good ol' Sommie into Chryssie's head. The fireworks were spectacular. The ones that whistle, the ones that burst and then burst again, and even one that burst, shooting in the air and apologizing for whatever it did to make its quen angry. Oh, wait, that one was a drone. Well, when one of them blew open the side of the hive, I got up out of my lawn chair... yes this one right here... and put down my popcorn. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere,” I said, snapping my fingers. Well, that's when I found out that, while Cerebus had grown used to me coming by to taunt Tirek, he had most assuredly not gotten used to Chrysalis and Sombra fighting for ontrol of the former's body. I swear, I think it took half my sausage stores to calm him down. As the guards rushed in to try to impose, ugh, order on the situation, I took advantage of the opportunity to slip down and taunt Big Red some more. Huh? No, by Big Red I meant Tirek, not the big red apple pony. The pony is actually smarter, of course, and is a lot better sport about taking a joke. So, anyway, I poofed down to his cage, and leaned on the door. “Heya, Tirry! Thought I'd stage a reunion of the Big Bads!” “Oh, great. You again. And you were more of my sacrificial lamb than a 'big bad'. By the Seven, you were even beaten by six ponies that had only ever touched greatness once before!” He grinned. “You may have once been a threat, but now you play the part of a pet to the most pathetic pony of all!” This irritated... okay, it totally cheesed me off. So I took the cheese off my snout, and grinned. “Oh, no, not just the two of us.” “What do you mean?” Just as luck, or chaos, would have it, this was when the brouhaha managed to reach us. Chryssombra was fighting hirself as much as the guards... what? Yes, hirself. Nor herself, not himself, hirself. Really? I most certainly CAN make up words if I want to, and I didn't even do it there! That word exists on at list fifteen other worlds, so it's perfectly valid! Now, where was I... Right. So Chryssombra smashed into Tirek's cage, somehow smushing THROUGH the bars, and around Tirek. I think he actually swallowed some of it. Anyway, there were now three minds in one and a half fused bodies, and none of them could agree on anything. They didn't fit in the cage anymore, and Tirek's main gun of stealing other beings' magic was kinda burnt out for the next few centuries, so this was the perfect opportunity to play another prank. SNAP! < -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- Twilight Sparkle was covering her face with a hoof. “Okay, Discord, then what happened?” “Well,” said the draconequus, “here we are.” “What happened?” She looked around the red, somewhat lumpy morass, and shuddered. “They didn't... explode, did they?” “Oh, no no no no, twinklebutt. Have you even noticed where we are?” Twilight looked around, and saw the classic signs of the one type of room she was, truth be told, actually a little scared of. To be exact, she was in a kitchen. “ Umm... a restaurant?” Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah! Discord put his trombone away, and shook his head. “Miss Sprinkles, we are in the production facility for Sorghum brand Trot Dogs and Trotwurst.” The Inspector chose to speak up. “Never liked trot dogs, myself. They use all the worst, disgusting bits, like stems and seeds.” Discord recoiled. “Why, my dear Inspector, I hate the stems and seeds, as well!” He winked. “But the rest of it is good, if you know what I mean.” Twilight stomped a hoof. “Focus! So we're in a trot dog plant. Did they explode here?” “Inspector, if you please?” The stallion nodded, and dipped a hoof in the reddish mass, then tasted it. “Yep, just like you said. Ketchup.” “And... and the chunks?” “Just trotwurst.” “But Tirek... and Sombra... and Chrysalis...” Discord waved a finger, then watched as the finger bade farewell. “At at at at... they're where they need to be, actually.” “Honest?” “Scout's dishonor. Heck, I'll even do Pinkie's salute... err, oath on this one. How did it go? Oh, yeah, 'Hot crossed buns and hope for pie...' ” he started, running a talon over his gluteus maximus. “Oh, just... never mind, Discord. I'll see you back at Fluttershy's,” she grumped, though secretly relieved nobody actually died. “I trust you'll show up at the Precinct to pay the usual property destruction fine?” asked the Inspector. “Same bat-time, same bat-channel!” nodded Discord. With that, the ponies left, leaving Discord alone. Well... not quite alone. “Silly ponies, even ones with wings, still never look... up,” rumbled the hindbrain of the lord of chaos. Glancing up, his three victims were still in place, having been extracted from each other. Tirek and Chrysalis were bound and gagged, while Sombra haunted a mason jar. “Now, you three tried to hurt Fluttershy. So did Starlight Glimmer and I, but hey, we reformed. You haven't, and you never will. “Sombra, you're too far gone to even understand. Chrysalis, you'd just eat any incoming affection, and you, Tirek... you rejected friendship on more than one occasion. So now that my silencing spell is up, it is time to teach you why harming Fluttershy, or even trying to, is a bad idea...” And nobody heard a thing. Author's Note Not a DARN thing. On Big Booms“BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Rainbow Dash was literally rolling on the ground in front of me, holding her stomach as she laughed. Specifically, as she laughed at me. “Rainbow, it's not nice to do that!” insisted 'Derpy' Hooves. Not that it helped much, as Pinkie Pie was also laughing, and Applejack was fighting back a few snickers herself. Twilight stepped up next to Derpy. “Exactly! Girls, how was he supposed to know Ditzy's cutie mark wasn't bubbles, it was a spell cannon targeting array?” /O=== --------------------------* *--------------------------===O\ DERPDERPDERPDERP! The sudden, bizarre noise almost literally threw me out of my bed. I fumbled for my glasses, and glanced around. About the only thing I noticed was that it was morning, maybe a little earlier than I normally wake up. Shrugging, I started for my bedroom door to head on out and start the day. DERPDERPDERPDERP! “Waaaagh!” *thumpthunkdrubbadrubbaboomphboomphCRASH* DERPDERPDERP! “Oh dear, are you alright?” I glanced up from the landing at the bottom of the stairs. Twilight and Spike had both heard me fall, and as bad as falling down wooden stairs might be, nothing trumps falling down rock hard crystal stairs. “Whazzaderp?” was all I could manage. A purple glow surrounded me, and gently set me on my feet. I wobbled for a moment, then recovered myself. Spike reached up and held my belt to make sure I could stand, then we headed into the breakfast kitchen. Yes, the breakfast kitchen. Durn castle has like four kitchens, one for each meal and one for midnight snacks. We all took seats around the kitchen island, as Spike started doling out pancakes. “So... what was that noise just a few minutes ago?” I asked. “Noise?” Twilight blinked. “Oh, you mean the spell cannon.” “Spell.. cannon?” “Yes, spelll cannon.” I sipped some apple juice. Twilight watched me. Spike poured syrup on his pancakes. “Twilight... what's a spell cannon? What the HECK would you need a cannon for that you couldn't handle by yourself?” I gestured to her wings. “Not only do you have those and your nifty hat rack, you and your friends are the incarnations of the most powerful force in Equestria!” DERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERP! “Asteroids.” “... Right.” “Seriously. See, our planet used to have two moons. This balanced our system, and nobody needed to control the sun and moons.” Twilight produced a collapsible pointer, and pointed at a diagram, drawn on a whiteboard I hadn't even seen her pull out. It had two moons and a rather cartooney sun (with a smiley face on it) circling what I assume to be Equus. “Okay,” said Spike, “I'm outta here. Lectures and breakfast don't mix. I'll be at Rarity's!” “However, roughly three hundred years before the first Hearthswarming, an unknown force, possibly a rogue comet, slammed into the smaller of our moons.” The diagram changed to a rather cartoonish sketch of one of the two moons blowing up. “The Unicorns realized the entire system was destabilizing, and created the spells used to redirect the sun and remaining moon. From then, history proceeds as you've already learned.” “So these asteroids being shot down by...” I began. DERPDERPDERP! DERPDERP! “... the spell cannon are the remnants of that moon?” I finished. “Exactly.” She set the pointer on the table, and I realized the whiteboard was now nowhere to be seen. “And Ponyville happens to be the location of the most decorated spell cannon team on Equus!” “I hate to ask, but who's on it?” She tapped her chin. “Well, Thunderlane is the loader, and Rarity operates the breech...” “And the spotter and marksman?” DERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERP! “WOOHOO, MUFFINS!” Author's Note Yeah. I know.
On Humanity“What is my world like? Wow, you really started with a softball question there, Princess.” The purple alicorn known as Twilight Sparkle had the grace to at least appear to be embarrassed at that statement. “Well, I ask, because you're nothing like the humans from the other side of the mirror. I know about humans, at least biologically, but I was wondering how different your world is from theirs.” “Stop right there,” I said. “First of all, I doubt, honestly, that the humans you mentioned before, and my brand of Homo sapiens, are even related. For one, we don't come in rainbow colors, just varying shades of brown and beige, with only a little hue difference thrown in for good measure. Second, it's likely to be VERY different. The world you told me about seems to be more of a divergent reality of this one – too many counterparts, for example.” Oops. Now I'd done it. I saw her eyes open wide and an excited smile threaten to split her head wide open. “Divergent as opposed to paralell? That's amazing! If we could isolate the moment of divergence, we could possibly...” “Erm... can we get back to that later?” “Oh... right. Well, I guess you could just give me a sort of overview?” She glanced down at her supplies, and I'd hazard a guess that she was ensuring she had enough ink and parchment, as well as a few spare quills. “Yes,an overview of a world with over seven billion people, and a recorded history dating back several thousand years. It'll only take a few months, honest!” I snarked at her. “S... s... seven billion? As in, a thousand times seven million?” I grinned. “Give or take, yep. Remember, there are no other sapient species on our planet.” “But... but how do you FEED that many pon... people?” “Ahhh, the wonders of technology,” was the only answer I gave her. “Anyway, let's start with anatomy and biology, then move on to psychology, sociology, and history...” It's a good thing Spike kept us fueled with coffee and snacks. I could tell the little guy was not interested in how many stomachs humans had, or how the biceps muscle not only operated in a human arm, but also why it was socially considered a sign of physical strength. About an hour and a half later, I had exhausted all I could think of on the basic anatomy of a human being. I know I got a few bone names wrong, and I'm not exactly a doctor, but hey. “So... that's that. Sorry it's not in too much of an order, guess you could collate your notes when you can find the time.” “Of course!” Twilight said, her eyes brightening. “Which will give me plenty of time to study my notes further. Now what can you tell me about the common psychology of your people?” I was silent for a while, pondering how best to answer that question. “Well... a lot of human psychology comes from both our cultures, and from how we evolved.” “Evolved”? Her face was scrunched up in mild confusion. “What do you mean by 'evolved'?” “Well, the generally accepted scientific theory for life on Earth is that over thousands of generations, a species will undergo changes to best suit its environment, and its place in that environment. Over enough time, a single species can completely change, or even split into different species if the environment or place in that environment is different enough. That's known as 'evolution'. There are those that do not accept that, citing religion and saying, 'it's only a theory', not realizing that using the term 'theory' in science is only one step shy of 'Law'.” “Thousands of... okay, I know I'll regret saying this, but how old is your world?” I looked at her. “How old is my world, or how old is life on my world?” “B-b-both?” She was wincing, like she was not expecting to like the answer. “Our planet was thought to be about four and a half billion years old. The earliest signs of life were at four billion years ago, but life really started flourishing in what is known as the Cambrian Explosion, about five hundred million years ago. And as for humans, we currently think the first early humans appeared about two million years ago.” I then grinned at her. “We're just young'uns, on a geological scale.” *THUD* Just great. “SPIKE! Can you bring me a glass of water and a towel?” -=*=-=*=- Twilight dabbed the last of the water off her face as she glared at me. “You could have found another way,” she said. “Aww, poor wittle gwumpy pwincess not wike a widdle wawa?” Her horn started glowing. “Stop. You don't wanna know what I will do if you don't.” An evil grin crept across her face. “On second thought, please continue. I have some new spells to try out. You know, the ones Discord taught me?” “Oooookay, moving on. So, humans evolved from a species of plains-dwelling apes. So, yes, Rainbow was right to an extent, we are related to monkeys. Closer related to chimps and orangutans, though. We developed an upright posture to help keep a lookout, or so we think, and developed a hunting method relatively unique to us. We simply never stopped chasing our prey.” “But you're not really that fast – even I can outrun you,” she protested. “Fast? Who needs to be fast. I said we. Never. Stopped. Before I start this example, please remember that our prey species were not sapient.” I stretched a little, hearing the joints in my shoulder pop as I considered how to phrase things. “So, we have an antelope. It's fast, very fast, and can even outrun the big cats. All of a sudden, this weird tall, skinny ape charges at it. Of course it'll run. Then, when it thinks it's far enough away, it settles down to rest. “Well, no sooner has it started to collect itself, than the ape is back, still chasing it. So it runs away again. Every time the antelope thinks it's far enough away, the darn ape is there. Eventually, it's too tired to run anymore, and... well, the overall term is 'persistence hunting'. I may not be in the best of shape now, but when I was younger I'd run seven miles a day easy for PT in the mornings when I was in the Corps. And that's not even getting into Marathon runners, who run a little over twenty-six miles in a single race, or the hyper-marathoners, who run hundreds of miles per race.” “Th... the... THE POOR ANTELOPE!” she bawled. “TWILIGHT!” I snapped, and the tears suddenly stopped. “It was just an example. Humans haven't hunted that way for thousands of years.” Once again, she looked embarrassed. “Oh. Right. So how does this apply to human psychology?” “I gave you the answer right there. A lot of human psychology can be originated from the fact that, with a clear goal and desire for that goal, humans just do not give up.” I shrugged. “A person might give up, but a group of humans won't give up until we are practically beaten about the head and shoulders with the fact that something might be impossible – and even then some of us keep trying. And if we find out why something is impossible, that leads us to figuring out how to make it possible.” “And this explains how you were able to develop technology without magic assistance, wow. Well, then, besides that, how would you say humans compare to ponies in personality?” I was silent for a while, thinking. “Twilight, you know that game Spike plays with Snips, Snails, and Pipsqueak? The one about using dice and stuff to pretend to be a pre-Discord era adventurer?” “Yes?” she asked. “You know the alignment system it uses? It has two axis – a moral axis, from good to evil, and a 'harmony' axis, from Law to Chaos? Well, both races can potentially be just as selfless and good as all get out, and the average pony is about the same as the average human. But... well, where about the only pony you've told me about I would actually call 'evil' was Sombra, there have been countless evil humans through the centuries. “Hitler. Pol Pot. Stalin. They were evil writ large scale. They committed atrocities even Sombra would pale at. In fact, for most of recorded human history, the heroes weren't the most morally upright or inspiring people – they were the ones who fought the best and killed many enemies.” She shuddered. “That's horrible!” “It wasn't all bad. Some of the greatest of the heroes were also good men and women. King Arthur was a legendary ruler who balanced skill in battle with wisdom, and the concept of real justice and not 'eye for an eye' justice. He may or may not have actually existed, but he represented an ideal we still hold for over a thousand years. Joan of Arc was, removing the religious elements, a woman who sought the freedom of her people from an oppressive foreign power. More recently, the fictional heroes most celebrated by our culture are beings of great power, who use that power to protect the innocent, right great wrongs, and stand as a bulwark against disaster. “The fact remains, not every human is good. There are those, however, who declare our entire species irredeemably evil having been swept up in the morass of our so-called 'news media'. If a human meets thirty people, and twenty nine are polite and kind while one is rude and cruel, they will only remember the rude and cruel one. We read about evil deeds and dark things, so we can think to ourselves 'Oh, goodness, thankfully none of that happened to my friends and family.' Our news media caters to that, telling us about the darkest, most disastrous events leavened with the occasional tiny grain of hope with a so-called heartwarming story.” I sat there for a moment, thinking. “Truth is, despite what most people think, mankind is slowly but surely getting better. As of the time I left Earth, the number of people who died in war per year was at its lowest point in recorded history. Teen pregnancy was at its lowest ebb, and the number of people who lived in what could be called 'abject poverty' had been literally cut in half over the preceeding ten years. Public acceptance for people who were different was at an all-time high, and every year our overall societal enlightenment grew by more than the year before.” Her quill had fallen silent. “So you're saying that humans aren't perfect, but that they're getting better.” I shrugged. “Isn't that the goal of any sapient species? To be better as beings and as a society than the generation before?” She smirked. “Not if you ask the Diamond Dogs. They want to have more gems than the previous generation.” “Give them time, you highness,” I said. “Give them time.” She nodded, and picked her quill up. “Okay, so now, history. Let's start with the oldest actual writings you have.” “Well, we could go further back thanks to anthropology, but the earliest extant writings were, I think, from a place called Sumeria...” Author's Note Yes, I finally decided to add some musings to this site. The above short story was pretty much inspired by all the "HOOMANS IS EEVIL!" bits I've seen in various other stories and other sites, and could theoretically fit in any number of typical "Human in Equestria" stories. Future chapters could be shaggy dogs, feghoots, philosophical musings, or even headcanon. You have been warned!
On Rock FarmsIt wasn't a quarry. Of course it wasn't a quarry. No matter the fact that they dug rock out of the earth for use in construction projects, paving stones, and the occasional neolithic structure (“In case of Stonehenge Emergencies!” had declared Pinkie Pie), it wasn't a quarry. It was a rock farm. Naturally. Respectable Earth Ponies work on farms, not in quarries, after all. Neither was it a mine. Nope, it definitely wasn't a mine. Of course it wasn't! It wasn't a dark, smelly hole in the ground that could cave in on them at any moment. Never mind that they provided ores to various industries, as well as crystals and gems for all sorts of purposes. It was a rock farm. Naturally. Only Diamond Dogs dug in dangerous mines, after all. So it was only natural that on my visit to Pinkie Pie's family, I saw something that just HAD to make sense. Well, it just HAD to. Otherwise, I'd think I'd finally flipped my lid. Pinkie's father was wearing a yoke, very similar to Big Mac's. He wss dragging a plow being guided by his wife, while the rest of the family was sprinkling sand, iron filings, and shattered geodes into the furrows. A rock farm. And I'd arrived around planting season. -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- “Now, son, life on a rock farm is different from those other farms, y'hear?” Igneous Rock Pie was talking in a rather animated way for him – meaning only slightly slower and less excited than a typical pony trying to explain calculus. “Planting season takes a few weeks, yes, but growing season lasts three years for the slabs, four for the ores, and six for the gems.” I nodded, as Cloudy Quartz served dinner. Pinky dove right in to the greyish... whatever it was, while the rest of her friends did what I did, and try to figure out what it was before trying a bite. “Ah thought rocks took a lot longer to form, mister Pie?” asked Applejack. “Oh, they do, young lass, they do – without Earth Pony Magic, of course. Tomorrow is Stamping Day, y'see.” Right. Magic. Explains it all, I suppose. But I had to ask. “Stamping Day?” “Yes, don't you know,” said Cloudy. “Why do you think we asked Pinkie back for this week?” “Even Maud will be back tomorrow,” insisted Limestone. Igneous looked at us. “Now, you Pegas... Pegasuseses... you folk with wings, you Unicorns, you little dragon, and you... whatever you are, you need to stay indoors on the morrow, y'hear me? This is Earth Pony Magic, and you others have been known to cause weird things to happen.” “An' what will I be doin'?” asked Applejack. “Just think of it as bucking the ground, of course!” declared Pinkie. She glanced at my almost uneaten grey mush. “Are you gonna eat that?” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Sure enough, Maud was back from studying for her Rocktorate shortly after dinner had finished. I wondered why she, of all the sisters, wore eyeshadow, then shrugged. Maybe she'd met a handsome petrolith at school, then I chided myself internally for such a rude thought. I sat on my pallet in the Pie Guest Room. It was huge, actually large enough for all of us (sans Pinkie, who was supposed to be back in her old room), but none of the beds were large enough for me. So there I was on the floor, on a pile of overlapping blankets. Pinkie had joined us a short while back, mostly because, as she said, “With all of my friends at home, I finally get a sleepover like it was elementary school!” I glanced at Spike. He glanced at me. We both rolled our eyes. Twilight opened her mouth and inhaled, but before she could speak, Spike said, “No, Twilight. No checklists, no books, no guides, and no manuals. This place is boring enough as it is, it could use a little spontaneity.” “Why, Spikey, how rude! Just because things are a little... well, a touch... umm, drab, doesn't mean we have to be so blunt about it!” Rarity's scolding did seem a mite half-hearted, it should be said. “I agree with Spike, this place is BO-RING,” declared Rainbow Dash. “And I can't even leave the house tomorrow? PSHAW!” “Don't worry, silly,” said Pinkie. “After Stamping Day, you can do whatever you want!” Twilight perked up a little. “How many Stamping Days have you had since you've been at the farm?” “This'll be my first!” she declared. “Planting Season is a few weeks long, then growing season a few years, then Harvest is twenty years long!” THUD< “Spike, go get a glass of water.” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Stamping Day was... weird. It was like watching an interpretive dance to a bongo beat, as all of the Pies, and Applejack, practically pronked all over the field. Bouncing on all four hooves, they seemed to land harder than they should. Meanwhile, Igneous was shouting directions. “Over there! That furrow needs a flattening!” “Those geode seeds need to be deeper, Marble!” “Limestone, move away from the durn boulder! You've already Stamped that area fifty times!” Twilight was scribbling furiously, drawing diagrams and taking notes. Fluttershy was staying well away from the windows, probably hoping no little critters got Stamped, and Rarity and Spike were playing checkers in the middle of the living room. “BORED!” suddenly shouted Rainbow Dash. Everyone stopped what they were doing, and turned to look at Rainbow. Rainbow blinked. “Aren't you guys bored, too?” she asked after a few moments. “Not really, no,” I said. I had my Game Colt, after all, a gift from Princess Luna on my second anniversary of arriving here. It may have been magically powered, with game crystals instead of cartridges, but it was fun. “Not really, dear,” said Rarity, turning back to the checkerboard, one hoof to her chin in thought. “umm... no?” Three guesses who said that, and the first two don't count. “Bored? But... but... Research! Aspects of rock farming never fully documented! Academic paper published! KNOWLEDGE!” Twilight was up on her hind hooves by this point, surreptitiously being steadied by Spike. Rainbow blinked. After a few moments, she settled down on the floor. “Oh.” A few more moments passed. Igneous's voice drifted through the window, slightly louder than before. “I said get away from the durn boulder, Limestone!” Finally, Rainbow slumped towards the stairs. “Eh, it's naptime, anyway. I'll see you guys at dinner.” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- Dinner was just as it was the day before, but with Maud present at the dinner table. “Good job, girls,” declared Igneous. Twilight was practically thrumming with energy. “So is that the end of planting season? Do the Harvest Seasons for the different crops take longer than each other? Why is Limestone obsessed with that boulder? Why does Maud wear eyeshadow? Are you actually related to the Apples? What do you do during growing season?” Igneous blinked. “That was... remarkable.” Cloudy quartz laughed slightly. “I do think I heard all of those questions. Now, let's see... Yes, that is the end of planting season. Yes, the harvest seasons take different amounts of time – gems don't take as long to harvest, and slabs take the longest to harvest. Limestone is theBorn Guardian of Holder's Boulder, which acts as a sort of lens for Earth pony Magic on Stamping Day. Maud is currently engaged to a wonderful Pegasus colt named... oh what was it... Saltwing? Sore Wing?” Rainbow Dash planted both front hooves on the table. “Soarin'? The WONDERBOLT?” Cloudy nodded. “Yes, that was him. And please take your hooves off the table, dear.” Rainbow's jaw dropped, but she complied, and lowered her hooves back to the ground. She was muttering something to the effect of “Pinkie Pie... brother in law... Wonderbolt... Soarin'... had my chance dangit...” “Yes, she wants to look pretty for her beau,” added Cloudy. “And as far as I know, we are NOT related to the apples except by marriage. If we were, poor Marble's heart would be broken. And so would your brother's, Applejack.” “EEP!” squeaked Marble, who darted under the table. “Say WHUUUU?” shouted Applejack, eyes wide. “Yes, they've been seeing each other when they could since that last Hearthwarming, don't you know.” Igneous nodded. “And I do think it is bedtime. There's a lot to do tomorrow, you all better get your rest!” -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- -=~*~=- We were headed back to Ponyville the next day, and the entire Pie family saw us to the train station. “Pinkie, Maud, dears, it was good to have you back,” said Cloudy. “Mm-hmmm,” agreed Marble. Twilight bluhed slightly. “Thank you, it was wonderful being here. But... you never did answer my last question last night!” “Oh,” asked Cloudy. “What was it?” “What do you do for the three years of Growing Season?” Igneous nodded, and took a solemn expression. “What do you expect we do?” Twilight blinked. “Umm... work hard? Do... something, I don't know what, to keep lithovores or something away from your crops?” “T'ain't no such thing as lithovores, 'sides dragons,” said Igneous. “Nope, we do the most important thing of all as dedicated rock farmers.” “And what's that?” Using one of Pinkie's tricks, Igneous pulled a huge pile of luggage out from behind him. “Vacation time! Three years in Las Pegasus ought to be enough!” Author's Note Something in my head ever since I heard the phrase "Rock Farm"
On Pranks and Big BadsThe carnage was almost unimaginable. In fact, it was all Twilight could do to keep her hayfries down. “Wh... what happened here?” Chief Inspector Ratio Shades started to bow, then remembered his briefing on the relatively new princess. “Well, ma'am, we can't be certain, we can only go on the evidence present, and the... testimony of the Draconequus.” “The... Discord?” SNAP! < “You rang, oh pretty purple princess of proper partnership and prestidigitation?” Discord glanced around, slightly confused. “Sparkle-butt? Sparkle-butt?” “...gmf mff mmm...” After glancing down, Discord chuckled. “Oh, silly me. I forgot I was wearing my hippopotamus legs. And hips. And torso. Oh, and that you were in the landing zone.” Tiny butterfly wings sprouted from his nostrils, which carried him up, and off of the battered and bruised form of Twilight Sparkle. “... thnkfff...” “Don't mention it!” The wings flapped once more, then abruptly vanished. But even as Twilight's eyes grew wide in fearsome anticipation, Discord remained floating where he was. His torso and legs also reverted to his abnormal state of 'normal' with a puff of ragweed pollen and the sound of a thousand dying stars autotuned to play the Prench national anthem. “So,” asked Twilight as she clambered to her hooves, alicorn healing rapidly kicking in, “what happened here?” “Well... would you believe a prank gone horribly, horribly wrong? And it wasn't my fault, honest!” For once, Discord actually looked honest. “Seriously, this is all a big misunderstanding!” “Ponies are DEAD, Discord! How can this be a misunderstanding!” Twilight's horn and eyes both began glowing with eldritch power. “Start. Explaining. Now.” Ratio Shades interrupted. “Begging your pardon, ma'am, but I should note that the evidence fits what he told me before you got here, so at least give his story an open mind.” “Right.” The glow faded, but the glare didn't. “Your story, Discord?” -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- It's all Sombra's fault. Or what was left of him, anyway. Yes, yes, I know he's dead, but that didn't really stop him last time, now, did it? It was a Tuesday, which has absolutely nothing to do with anything, and I was taking a shower of ten penny nails, when I felt a knock on the door of my frontal lobes. Curious, I walked out of the shower, and answered it. Surprise, surprise, there was a big black cloud of mist, with glowing red eyes and a horn. “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” “Sommy, old bean, how are you doing? It's been a while, come in, pull up a neuron or two! Synapse chips? Seratonin dip?” “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” “Right. You want that?” “CRYYYYYSSSSSSAAAAALLLLLLLSSSSS.....” Roger dodger, you crazy old codger!” Now, I know what you're saying. 'But Discord, oh wondrous and noble master of all chaos, he was asking for crystals! Why are you forgetting the letter t?' And the answer? I was all out of tea, had some wonderful Earl Grey earlier that afternoon. So even though I could say a t sound, I couldn't hear it. That's my defense and I'm sticking to it. Meanwhile, out in the Badlands, dear sweet Chryssie was doing whatever Changelings do on their days off, probably trying to seduce someone's husband, or making home repairs with resinous goop. Well, whatever it was she was doing, I interrupted it. “CHRYSSIE, MY DEAR!” It was just plain rude that she chose that moment to start blasting magic at me, and having her drones spit goop at me. I yawned, then hacked up a hairball that floated into space and formed an interstellar empire before destroying itself in a nuclear conflagration. Huh? Don't worry, your species will find out about 'nuclear' things in about another two centuries or so. Anyway, I yawned, and walked out of the goop. “Now, Chryssie, is that any way to treat a pair of old friends?” “Friends?” she asked. “HARDLY! The last time you came near my hive, I had four drones making the most awful music and trying to grow long hair. And what the hell is a hand, anyway, and why would someone want to hold it? Wait... pair? Who else is with you?” “Oh, he's... a secret admirer! In fact, almost the only thing he says is YOUR name! He sais 'Chrysssallllisss...' all the time!” Her eyes narrowed. Which is a real shame, if she was going to do that she should have blinked side to side instead of that boring up and down. “You're the only one here. Where is this so-called 'secret admirer'?” “Right here!” I said, and headbutted her. Fortunately for her, I had made my horns soft as foam rubber. Unfortunately for me, she didn't have the same consideration, and boy did that smart. However, it did let me open a door and poor good ol' Sommie into Chryssie's head. The fireworks were spectacular. The ones that whistle, the ones that burst and then burst again, and even one that burst, shooting in the air and apologizing for whatever it did to make its quen angry. Oh, wait, that one was a drone. Well, when one of them blew open the side of the hive, I got up out of my lawn chair... yes this one right here... and put down my popcorn. “Maybe we should take this elsewhere,” I said, snapping my fingers. Well, that's when I found out that, while Cerebus had grown used to me coming by to taunt Tirek, he had most assuredly not gotten used to Chrysalis and Sombra fighting for ontrol of the former's body. I swear, I think it took half my sausage stores to calm him down. As the guards rushed in to try to impose, ugh, order on the situation, I took advantage of the opportunity to slip down and taunt Big Red some more. Huh? No, by Big Red I meant Tirek, not the big red apple pony. The pony is actually smarter, of course, and is a lot better sport about taking a joke. So, anyway, I poofed down to his cage, and leaned on the door. “Heya, Tirry! Thought I'd stage a reunion of the Big Bads!” “Oh, great. You again. And you were more of my sacrificial lamb than a 'big bad'. By the Seven, you were even beaten by six ponies that had only ever touched greatness once before!” He grinned. “You may have once been a threat, but now you play the part of a pet to the most pathetic pony of all!” This irritated... okay, it totally cheesed me off. So I took the cheese off my snout, and grinned. “Oh, no, not just the two of us.” “What do you mean?” Just as luck, or chaos, would have it, this was when the brouhaha managed to reach us. Chryssombra was fighting hirself as much as the guards... what? Yes, hirself. Nor herself, not himself, hirself. Really? I most certainly CAN make up words if I want to, and I didn't even do it there! That word exists on at list fifteen other worlds, so it's perfectly valid! Now, where was I... Right. So Chryssombra smashed into Tirek's cage, somehow smushing THROUGH the bars, and around Tirek. I think he actually swallowed some of it. Anyway, there were now three minds in one and a half fused bodies, and none of them could agree on anything. They didn't fit in the cage anymore, and Tirek's main gun of stealing other beings' magic was kinda burnt out for the next few centuries, so this was the perfect opportunity to play another prank. SNAP! < -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- -=~=- Twilight Sparkle was covering her face with a hoof. “Okay, Discord, then what happened?” “Well,” said the draconequus, “here we are.” “What happened?” She looked around the red, somewhat lumpy morass, and shuddered. “They didn't... explode, did they?” “Oh, no no no no, twinklebutt. Have you even noticed where we are?” Twilight looked around, and saw the classic signs of the one type of room she was, truth be told, actually a little scared of. To be exact, she was in a kitchen. “ Umm... a restaurant?” Wah wah wah waaaaaaaah! Discord put his trombone away, and shook his head. “Miss Sprinkles, we are in the production facility for Sorghum brand Trot Dogs and Trotwurst.” The Inspector chose to speak up. “Never liked trot dogs, myself. They use all the worst, disgusting bits, like stems and seeds.” Discord recoiled. “Why, my dear Inspector, I hate the stems and seeds, as well!” He winked. “But the rest of it is good, if you know what I mean.” Twilight stomped a hoof. “Focus! So we're in a trot dog plant. Did they explode here?” “Inspector, if you please?” The stallion nodded, and dipped a hoof in the reddish mass, then tasted it. “Yep, just like you said. Ketchup.” “And... and the chunks?” “Just trotwurst.” “But Tirek... and Sombra... and Chrysalis...” Discord waved a finger, then watched as the finger bade farewell. “At at at at... they're where they need to be, actually.” “Honest?” “Scout's dishonor. Heck, I'll even do Pinkie's salute... err, oath on this one. How did it go? Oh, yeah, 'Hot crossed buns and hope for pie...' ” he started, running a talon over his gluteus maximus. “Oh, just... never mind, Discord. I'll see you back at Fluttershy's,” she grumped, though secretly relieved nobody actually died. “I trust you'll show up at the Precinct to pay the usual property destruction fine?” asked the Inspector. “Same bat-time, same bat-channel!” nodded Discord. With that, the ponies left, leaving Discord alone. Well... not quite alone. “Silly ponies, even ones with wings, still never look... up,” rumbled the hindbrain of the lord of chaos. Glancing up, his three victims were still in place, having been extracted from each other. Tirek and Chrysalis were bound and gagged, while Sombra haunted a mason jar. “Now, you three tried to hurt Fluttershy. So did Starlight Glimmer and I, but hey, we reformed. You haven't, and you never will. “Sombra, you're too far gone to even understand. Chrysalis, you'd just eat any incoming affection, and you, Tirek... you rejected friendship on more than one occasion. So now that my silencing spell is up, it is time to teach you why harming Fluttershy, or even trying to, is a bad idea...” And nobody heard a thing. Author's Note Not a DARN thing.
On Big Booms“BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Rainbow Dash was literally rolling on the ground in front of me, holding her stomach as she laughed. Specifically, as she laughed at me. “Rainbow, it's not nice to do that!” insisted 'Derpy' Hooves. Not that it helped much, as Pinkie Pie was also laughing, and Applejack was fighting back a few snickers herself. Twilight stepped up next to Derpy. “Exactly! Girls, how was he supposed to know Ditzy's cutie mark wasn't bubbles, it was a spell cannon targeting array?” /O=== --------------------------* *--------------------------===O\ DERPDERPDERPDERP! The sudden, bizarre noise almost literally threw me out of my bed. I fumbled for my glasses, and glanced around. About the only thing I noticed was that it was morning, maybe a little earlier than I normally wake up. Shrugging, I started for my bedroom door to head on out and start the day. DERPDERPDERPDERP! “Waaaagh!” *thumpthunkdrubbadrubbaboomphboomphCRASH* DERPDERPDERP! “Oh dear, are you alright?” I glanced up from the landing at the bottom of the stairs. Twilight and Spike had both heard me fall, and as bad as falling down wooden stairs might be, nothing trumps falling down rock hard crystal stairs. “Whazzaderp?” was all I could manage. A purple glow surrounded me, and gently set me on my feet. I wobbled for a moment, then recovered myself. Spike reached up and held my belt to make sure I could stand, then we headed into the breakfast kitchen. Yes, the breakfast kitchen. Durn castle has like four kitchens, one for each meal and one for midnight snacks. We all took seats around the kitchen island, as Spike started doling out pancakes. “So... what was that noise just a few minutes ago?” I asked. “Noise?” Twilight blinked. “Oh, you mean the spell cannon.” “Spell.. cannon?” “Yes, spelll cannon.” I sipped some apple juice. Twilight watched me. Spike poured syrup on his pancakes. “Twilight... what's a spell cannon? What the HECK would you need a cannon for that you couldn't handle by yourself?” I gestured to her wings. “Not only do you have those and your nifty hat rack, you and your friends are the incarnations of the most powerful force in Equestria!” DERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERP! “Asteroids.” “... Right.” “Seriously. See, our planet used to have two moons. This balanced our system, and nobody needed to control the sun and moons.” Twilight produced a collapsible pointer, and pointed at a diagram, drawn on a whiteboard I hadn't even seen her pull out. It had two moons and a rather cartooney sun (with a smiley face on it) circling what I assume to be Equus. “Okay,” said Spike, “I'm outta here. Lectures and breakfast don't mix. I'll be at Rarity's!” “However, roughly three hundred years before the first Hearthswarming, an unknown force, possibly a rogue comet, slammed into the smaller of our moons.” The diagram changed to a rather cartoonish sketch of one of the two moons blowing up. “The Unicorns realized the entire system was destabilizing, and created the spells used to redirect the sun and remaining moon. From then, history proceeds as you've already learned.” “So these asteroids being shot down by...” I began. DERPDERPDERP! DERPDERP! “... the spell cannon are the remnants of that moon?” I finished. “Exactly.” She set the pointer on the table, and I realized the whiteboard was now nowhere to be seen. “And Ponyville happens to be the location of the most decorated spell cannon team on Equus!” “I hate to ask, but who's on it?” She tapped her chin. “Well, Thunderlane is the loader, and Rarity operates the breech...” “And the spotter and marksman?” DERPDERPDERPDERPDERPDERP! “WOOHOO, MUFFINS!” Author's Note Yeah. I know.
