Luna, Interrupted

by Adda le Blue

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Other
Length: 3003

—in which nopony minds their own business.

The first of what I hope will be weekly entries to the Word of the Week Quickfic Challenge group! This week's Word is castellated.

Princesses talk, and some have grown worried about Luna's seclusion. They make an effort to rectify this. Luna, of course, is displeased.

Published 2016-03-04 00:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-04 00:10:01 UTC

Castellated

"Sister..."

The Princess Luna looked up from her three-course meal. At the other end of the full-length dining table sat her royal counterpart, the Princess Celestia. "Yes, sister?"

Celestia poked at her bowl of Cheery Oats with her spoon, pushing them under the surface one at a time as if pondering the previous day's delightful meeting with the courtesans. "How are you feeling?"

Luna squinted at her sister, a streak of white and springtime colors at such a distance. "I am well...?"

"Good, good," she said with a smile. She slurped some Cheery Oats out of her spoon and rested it beside her bowl, her eyes on her sister. "You wouldn't happen to be feeling... unfulfilled?" she tried.

"Unfulfilled?" Luna repeated, unsure if she'd heard her sister correctly. She poked her mashed potatoes with her fork. "Sister, I promise you that my days of resentment are far behind me—"

"No, no, not like that," Celestia said hurriedly. "You know I trust you more than anypony else in the world, Luna." Luna shrugged, and she continued. "I meant that perhaps you could be feeling... You know."

"I do not," Luna admitted. She too let her cutlery float to rest on the table. "What are you trying to ask, sister? You are usually more tactful than this. Is something wrong?"

Celestia's mane twitched. "I wouldn't say that. However, you must admit that your... lifestyle seems, at least from an outsider's perspective, perhaps a lonely one. When did you last spend time in the company of another?"

A faint blush rose in her cheeks. "We don't mean to pry, sister, but one must wonder if your nights are the lonelier."

Celestia barely even cocked an eyebrow. "I mean no offense, Luna. I simply mean to say that... well, the other princesses and I have been talking—"

"Wonderful," she interrupted with a sigh. "An overbearing sister, the Princess of Love, and a filly barely old enough to be called a mare have decided that We lack companionship in the night."

"Oh, don't be so old-fashioned, Luna!" Celestia said with a smile. "It's not healthy to spend your days and nights alone."

"We like being alone!"

"But it's not healthy," she insisted. "Listen, Luna. We're not trying to set you up with anypony. We just think it would be wise for you to..."

"Find a consort?"

It was Celestia's turn to blush. "No—"

"Go on a date?"

"No—"

"Throw caution and duty to the wind and become entangled in a whirlwind romance of limitless passion?"

"Mayb— Luna, will you please listen?" Celestia pleaded. "All I ask is that you meet with us tonight, just after sunset."

"We refuse to discuss Our love life with three overgrown fillies!"

"Cadance is already on her way from the Crystal Empire..."

Luna glowered at Celestia. "You won't leave this alone, will you?"

Celestia stared back smugly. "Twilight's train arrives in two hours."

With a huff Luna turned back to her supper. "After sunset, you say?"

,',

The grass and stone walls were tinted orange by the light of tall torches and candelabras scattered about the courtyard. Twilight Sparkle stood between two cozy beach chairs, each big enough to seat two of her, with a pitcher of what looked like raspberry lemonade but could have been anything if Cadance had ordered the pitcher.

Luna reclined in one of these beach chairs with a glower and a tall glass of whatever. "Will this take long?"

Twilight jumped. "No! No, I'm sure it won't. I mean, how hard could it be to find... true love...?"

Luna rolled her eyes at her sister, who lounged in the other chair with an air of serenity, and took a sip of— Yes, it was lemonade. Part of her hoped it was spiked. "What is the plan?" she asked. "I hear Princess Cadance has concocted a scheme to find Us the perfect stallion. Is she expecting to delve into Our fantasies and find somepony that meets Our standards?" She allowed herself a smirk. "Perhaps she expects to set Us up in a series of events like the plot of a trashy novel."

"Um... More like the process of elimination," Twilight conceded.

Luna's eyes snapped open. "What?"

The door crashed open. Princess Cadance pranced in. She barely gave Luna a glance before turning toward the door. "Look what I've found!" she exclaimed. "Get ready for the best night of your life! Come on in, everypony!"

One after another, the line of stallions came pouring through the door like spilled molasses. They were blue, white, golden; calculating, smug, terrified; almost all giving her a once-over she wasn't sure she appreciated. "What did you tell them?" Luna whispered.

"Only that a certain Princess of the Night would meet her suitors tonight," Celestia assured her.

"Suitors?" Luna hissed. "No matter what you three discussed, We have no plans for marriage! We are wed to the land!"

"As am I," Celestia chuckled. "That doesn't mean you can't consider marrying a pony too."

"Well?" Cadance called. Luna turned to find her pacing before the stallions, who stood rank and file, three by five. The ones in the back looked, for the most part, rather peeved. "What do you think, Princess Luna? I've summoned perhaps the fifteen best and brightest stallions in Canterlot and the surrounding regions," she said with a smile. "Except for Shining Armor, of course."

"Of course," Twilight agreed.

Luna looked from Twilight to Cadance, then shrugged. "You are expecting Us to choose one of these fine stallions to be our..."

"Companion," Celestia and Twilight supplied.

"Date!" Cadance yipped excitedly.

"But all of them are strangers to me," she complained. A second glance made her reconsider. "Aside from the big red one in the back."

"Eeyu— Eeyes'm."

"But the rest?" She pointed a hoof at a gray-coated unicorn stallion. "That one is clearly only here for my throne."

Twilight flinched. "He— He has high aspirations!"

"He'll do whatever it takes to win your affection!" added Cadance.

"He'll have to get through me first," Celestia muttered darkly.

"And this one," Luna continued, "has a face to match the first one's heart."

"But he has a heart of gold," Celestia admonished her.

"And pockets full of it, too!" Cadance crowed.

"He's not... ugly, per se," Twilight said nervously. "He's... rugged."

"Weathered," Celestia added.

Cadance traced a hoof over her own cheek, following the path of one of the stallion's scars. "Dangerous," she cooed with heavy-lidded eyes.

"Yes, you are so optimistic." Luna's hoof kept moving, and stopped suddenly. Her jaw dropped. "Look at him!" she cried. "He is huge!"

Celestia looked at Cadance, and the two of them looked at Twilight.

Twi just blushed. "He's, um... castellated†?"

"Those biceps! That chest!" Cadance said, her voice thick with forced enthusiasm. "He must the strongest, bravest warrior in the land..."

"Other than Shining Armor," she and Twilight said in tandem. They shared a giggle, and the sisters shared a roll of the eyes.

"I suppose it couldn't hurt to ask him... You!" Luna called to the pegasus.

After they found him hiding under a sofa halfway across the castle and sent him home with a pat on the shoulder and a patronizing smile, the Princesses gathered once more in the courtyard. The smiles of the line of suitors, now one short, seemed a little forced. Twilight had her nose buried in a book with Courting and You scrawled across the front cover. Even Cadance had lost her enthusiasm.

"Luna, I don't know what you want me to say," Celestia sighed. "Cadance has gathered the finest, most eligible bachelors in the Canterlot region. There must be somepony here who is worth your time!"

"More brave souls like the last, surely," she muttered.

Cadance stood and stretched. The suitors' attention shifted away from Luna as she arched her back. "We know you're used to doing things differently, but can't you try to live a little?"

"There it is again!" Luna cried, making all others present flinch. "Why do the three of you think We must be so old-fashioned? Why do you suppose We cannot be as progressive as Our sister, or as fun as a Princess of Love, or as hopeful as a filly? We will find love at Our own pace, and that is final!"

As Twilight put two and two together and started into a speech about her adult status, Celestia noticed a glimmer in Cadance's eye. She cocked her head, curious.

Cadance winked. "Princess huddle!" She ushered Celestia and Twilight a few yards away and set up a soundproof dome. Luna watched them in sullen silence as they whispered to each other. Occasionally a head would poke up out of the pony pile and stare at her before submerging once again. Luna wished she could read their lips at the very least, since Twilight certainly seemed to be shaking her head more than necessary. She was even waving her hooves.

Finally the dome dispersed, as did the three Princesses. A defeated Twilight Sparkle dashed toward the door and teleported away, her destination unknown. Celestia walked past more sedately, though she did give Luna a weird look along the way, and began speaking to Luna's suitors one by one.

Cadance threw a foreleg over Luna's withers. "Don't worry, Luna," she said with a wink. "Auntie Cadie's got you covered."

"But I am your auntie," Luna protested weakly.

"You're not my real auntie!"

,',

Luna looked from princess to princess with nervous eyes. "Why did we have to move inside?" she asked. "Why did we have to move to my quarters?"

Celestia looked away. Twilight blushed brightly. Cadance just stared at her, grinning like a sugar addict in a life-sized gingerbread house.

Luna couldn't meet her gaze. "Sister," she whined, "We do not feel safe." Celestia's eyes traced an interesting pattern in the ceiling. "Sister—"

There was a knock at the doors. "They're here!" Cadance squealed. She found her way across the floor, stumbling drunk on power and mirth. "Here... heehee... Here are your new suitors!" She pushed the doors open.

In marched a line of five ponies. Unlike the last, these were five familiar ponies.

"Hey, Princess!"

"Evenin', Princess."

"Whee! It's time for Princess Luna's Coming Out of the Closet Party!"

"Um... h-h-he-hel—"

"Bonsoir, Princess Luna!" Rarity called from the back. "I trust we find you well? I hope the evening's events haven't left you too weary for more... revelry, as it were."

Luna's head tipped sideways.

Twilight cleared her throat. "They were the only mares I could find on such short notice," she explained to nopony in particular.

Luna's head righted itself, then tipped to the other side.

Cadance just stood beside the doorway, her smile slowly shrinking. "Surprise!" she exclaimed. Pinkie Pie, of course, joined in as if on cue.

Luna's head righted itself, and this time it seemed keen on staying upright. "Get out," she said softly.

"I know, right?" Pinkie Pie said, showing off a smile like flashing white death by sharks.

"We meant—"

"So!" Cadance cut in. "I get it now. All that talk of being a progressive mare? I totally understand what you mean. I must admit that I'm no stranger to it myself, though that's obviously over now that I have Shi—"

"We know," Celestia groaned, still staring at the ceiling.

"So, anyway," she continued as if uninterrupted, "I thought these lovely ladies might be more your style!" She beamed and took a step toward Luna. "What do you think?"

Luna let her eyes roam over the mares present: Rainbow Dash, whose cocksure sneer was betrayed by a sheen of nervous sweat; Applejack, whose heavy-lidded gaze was perhaps too thoughtful for comfort; Pinkie Pie, who was busy being Pinkie Pie; Fluttershy, who had apparently taken Luna's words as an order and gotten out, leaving a single yellow feather in her place; and last but not least the lady Rarity, the most beautiful mare in Ponyville according to the lady Rarity.

"Sister, is this why you were so troubled by our attempts?" Celestia asked uncertainly. "Don't misunderstand. Our subjects and I have become rather more accepting in recent times. If you are indeed... a mare's mare, then I will accept you as you are with open hooves."

Luna's gaze continued onward to Princess Cadance, who smiled so brightly in her misplaced but sincere attempts at love-making, or whatever one would call it. She looked to her dear sister, the Princess Celestia, who tried her hardest to smile back. She gave a pleading glance to Twilight Sparkle, who followed in her mentor's hoofsteps and took an interest in the ceiling tiles.

"All of you are here to find love for me?" she said softly.

"Sure," Rainbow Dash said too proudly.

Rarity gave her a gentle smile. "We only have your best interests at heart."

"We care about you, sister." Celestia closed the distance and pulled Luna into a hug. "Don't you see that?"

Luna saw it very clearly. "Out," she commanded. "Get out, all of you. This charade has gone on long enough."

Suddenly Celestia was forced aside and her vision was filled with pink and four damp eyes. "Don't tell me you're not a lesbian," Cadance pouted sullenly.

"But the party just started!" whined Pinkie Pie.

"Whatever you're looking for, I'll find it!" she pressed. "I'm the Princess of Love. My reputation is on the line!"

"Hang on a sec! Are you saying I'm not cool enough for a Princess?" Rainbow said forcefully. Luna noticed a relieved tilt to her eyebrows.

Celestia sulked in the corner. "I told you not to push her."

"Why must you be the ones to find love for Us?" Luna stood tall, starlit mane tossing and tail whipping back and forth. "We are not going to jump into the hooves of anypony – stallion or mare – who is given to Us on a platter. We will not force anypony to join Us for long, boring nights of tea and small talk unless they wish to join Us. How could We find true love if We do not search for it? We have known loveless relationships before, and We will not endure it again. If We are to find companionship, let it be as nature demands: a slow journey of growth from kinship to romance, both hearts slowly filling with warmth and tenderness until—"

"Until they both explode in a big gooey mess of lovey-dovey snuggle-kisses!"

Luna looked at Pinkie Pie with a grimace of disgust. "Quite. You all have Our sincerest gratitude, but... I will not rush into things. If I am to find love again, I will find it myself." She looked over the heads of the crowd and met the eyes of a guilty Twilight Sparkle. "Please see your friends to their quarters, and then return to me. I shall require an aide if I am to complete the night's work on schedule."

"Are you sure?" Pinkie asked sadly. "I could do tea... or coffee instead... or milkshakes..."

"It probably wouldn't work with a farm gal like me anyway," Applejack mused.

Luna motioned toward the door. "Good night, everypony."

They filed slowly out the door, ushered along by a red-faced alicorn. Rarity winked as she passed the sisters by. "Bonne nuit, Princess."

"Bonne nuit, Lady Rarity," Luna said with her first sincere smile of the night. "Best of luck finding your princess."

An embarrassed chuckle escaped her. "Prince, I think, though can you blame a mare for the occasional flight of fancy?"

To Luna's surprise, her sister followed close behind Rarity with her shoulders slumped and Princess Cadance in tow. "I'm sorry, Luna," she said softly. "I suppose Cadance, Twilight and I are guilty of our own flight of fancy. The three of us only want what's best for you."

"And I shall find it someday, sister." She bowed her head. "Good night."

"Goodnight, sister."

Cadance gave her one last pouty-face before she followed the others out the door. "I think Applejack likes you—"

"Good night, Cadance..."

A golden glow tugged her through the doorway. "Mail me!"

,',

Princess Luna, almost alone at last, had taken it upon herself to lie down and relax before her night began in earnest. She tried to clear her mind, to focus on the scritch-scratch of quill on parchment, but it was no use. She opened her eyes and watched the quill dance across the night's documents, held in the purple glow of another's magic. "How could you let this happen, Twilight Sparkle?" she whined. "You know how those two can be when they get together."

"I couldn't stop them!" she said loudly, her attention mostly on Luna's paperwork. "It was all I could do to keep them from setting you up on a blind date!"

She burrowed her head deeper into the pillows. "But why did you involve your friends?"

"I'm sorry, Luna. Cadance needed single mares, and they were the only mares I could reach who wouldn't spread rumors. Besides," she said as she inspected the vanes of her quill, "they... already knew."

"They knew?" Luna closed her eyes and pressed a hoof to her forehead. "It was all an act? Twilight Sparkle, this has gotten out of hoof! Must we continue to keep our love a secret?"

Twilight squeaked and threw a hoof over Luna's mouth. "Shhh! Don't say it so loudly!"

Princess Luna glowered at her as Twilight poked her head out the doors and scanned the hallway for guards or unexpected guests. She wasn't sure how long Twilight's nervousness about this would persist. She wasn't sure how long she could avoid telling her sister about their bond. Still, even after such a trial, she was sure that life with Twilight Sparkle would be worth the wait.

She was also sure, as Twilight came back from the doorway and snuggled into Luna's waiting embrace, that Twilight Sparkle would pay dearly in her dreams that night.

Author's Note

† Castellated (adj): built like a castle

No regrets; only bad jokes.