Scootaloo's Chaotic Family

by Schrodinger's Pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Cheerilee, Random, Discord, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Romance, Princess Cadance, Comedy, Scootaloo, Shining Armor
Length: 46720

Scootaloo gets adopted by Discord. Naturally, hijinxs ensue.

Scootaloo, as we all know, has no parents and lives in the Cutie Mark Crusader's club house. But not for long. No, Scootaloo has finally found somepony who understands her. Somepony who is willing to be a parent!

That somepony is Discord.

How will Scootaloo adjust to her new life as the daughter of chaos incarnate? What will her friends think? Can she convince Cheerilee to be her new dad's special somepony? Will she get her cutie mark?

Story image by AppleCider1412

Published 2012-06-12 22:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-19 12:38:42 UTC

Adoption Papers

There once was a Pegasus filly with shocking purple hair, and a coat of orange. True orange, not light orange, or dark orange, but the perfect expression of orange; orange to its fullest potential. Thankfully, her parents were no slouches when it came to the naming department, and refused to name her anything beginning with ‘O’ or ending in ‘range’. Instead, they named her Scootaloo.

Why?

Because they figured it was a fun sounding name.

Anywho, on the particular day this story began, Scootaloo was hanging out in the tree-house where she lived.

Most ponies who lived in tree-houses actually had trees for houses, but Scootaloo’s tree-house was a house on top of a tree. Not surprisingly, the tree was grateful for not having its bowls removed so that a creature could live inside its corpse, and it repaid its kindness by making sure the poorly constructed tree-house didn’t fall.

The house used to me made by the fine sturdy hooves of Sweet Apple Acres’ number on stallion big Macintosh. He and his sister used it as a club house when they were foals. Now though, three new foals had moved in, and upon finding the club house to be in a state of old age decided to make a few improvements, several of which should have violated the laws of physics but seemed to have worked out well.

Scootaloo lived in this tree house, because she didn’t have any parents. By which I mean, she had parents, but now she didn’t. That’s a polite way of saying they’re dead. Six feet under. Pushing up daisies, long gone, riding the train to Pegasus heaven, to that sweet corral in the sky…

Lost in the CIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!

Sorry, there are no polite ways of saying dead, are there?

Back to the story at hand, Scootaloo’s folks had died soon after she was born. Sometime a year ago, Scootaloo realized that living in an orphanage was boring, and stinky, and it sucked. So she ran away to ponyville. Thankfully, Scootaloo had a couple of friends to look after her. Apple Bloom, the younger sister of the aforementioned Applejack and Big Macintosh, and Sweetie Belle, the younger sister of Applejack’s friend Rarity.

These friends took her to school with them, had fun with her, and sometimes let her have sleepovers with them, which was great fun for Scootaloo, and her stomach, which was starving to death most of the time and doing its best to bring Scootaloo down with it.

On the day of our story, Scootaloo wasn’t paying much attention to her psychotic stomach, and was instead focused on the treasonous rebellion of her eyes. They were crying all over her nice clean fur, and she couldn’t get them to stop.

The reason behind this, was her eyes seemed to agree with one of her friends. She’d gotten into a pretty heavy argument with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom that day. Heated words were exchanged, blows were swung, and in the end, Cheerilee had to cut their field trip short because they were being so unruly.

Cheerilee had threatened to tell their parents. That’s how bad it got. Cheerilee never threatened anypony with their parents.

So Scootaloo was sitting in her house on the tree, W-A-I-L-I-N-G.

But somepony was attracted to her wailing that day, that would change her entire life. Yes! Who should hear her cries for help and poke his head into her clubhouse, but the handsome! The magnificent! The Lord of Chaos! The King of Comedy! The Tyrant of Trash-talk! The Sultan of Slapstick! The Punjab of Punchlines! The One and only Discord! Incredibly handsome master of insanity!

Yes, alright, I have a bit of an ego.

Yes, a substantial ego.

Are you done laughing?

You’re done laughing.

Good. Okay.

No, you can go ahead and laugh a bit more if you want, I’ll wait.

Finished?

May I continue?

Thank you.

Anyway, Discord, the great and powerful no matter what you say, poked his head through the window, curious as to who could be crying. As much as he relished the tears of children, he was a bit put-off that he hadn’t caused these particular tears. It was to his great surprise that he found the tree house populated by none other than one of the fillies who had released him from his imprisonment.

“Pardon me for interrupting.” He said, taking no small amount of pleasure in watching the little filly jump. “But I couldn’t help noticing your face was leaking. Would you like me to call a plumber?”

The little filly’s eyes were as wide as dinner plates – no, I’m not exaggerating – well, how am I supposed to know what size dinner plates are? Who has dinner on plates these days anyway?

Well, I expected her to ask something like ‘what are you?’ or ‘who are you?’ or ‘AAAAAIIIEEEAAAAAGGHH!!!’. The wordless scream would have been my favorite. But to Discord’s surprise, she perked up and laughed.

Discord was shocked, and decided to let himself in. Grabbing the handle of the door, he opened up the wall and slinked inside of the club house. He sat himself down next to the filly, and offered her an ice cream cone made of somepony’s hair. Somewhere in the upside-down-town of Ponyville, Carrot Top noticed the absence of her mane and screamed. “Here, have some carrot flavored ice cream, on me.” Discord said, thinking it was pretty funny the way the filly instantly started eating something which she had no idea was somepony else’s mane.

“So, care to tell me why your face was leaking?” Discord asked.

It was only then that the Pegasus filly realized who she was talking to. “Hey… you’re that statue from the Canterlot gardens!”

Discord nodded. “The name’s Discord. Don’t wear it out.”

The filly frowned. “Statues can’t talk.”

Discord frowned too. “Now what sort of world would it be where statues can’t talk!?” He asked. He stood up, making room for his head in the tiny clubhouse by popping the roof off like a pickle jar. “New rule!” He declared. “All statues, can talk!”

(somewhere in Canterlot, a few fountain statues of ponies with stream of water flowing out of their mouths, suddenly realized they possessed lungs. They coughed and spluttered for a while, before finally choking and falling over into the fountain, while the ponies around them screamed in horror.)

Scootaloo giggled. “You’re a funny statue.”

Discord smiled. He had taken a shine to this filly. He would turn her into something nice – like jello! Jello is so fun, not a solid, not a liquid, just pure edible bounciness. Who doesn’t like jello?

Then the filly began to sniff again. “I had a fight with my friends today.”

“Of course you did.” Discord nodded sagely.

Scootaloo looked at him, confused. “Friends aren’t supposed to fight.”

Now it was Discord’s turn to look confused. “Friends aren't supposed to fight?” He asked. “What sort of crazy upside down world are you living in? Listen. Kid.” He leaned in close, about to impart his millennia old wisdom. “Let me connect some dots for you. Do you fight with strangers on the street?”

Scootaloo shook her head. “No.”

“There you go!” Discord beamed. “If you don’t fight with strangers on the street, then who else is there to fight with then your friends!?”

Scootaloo smiled, apparently following what Discord called logic perfectly. “Hey, you’re right!”

“Of course I am!” Discord beamed proudly. He loved it when ponies acknowledged how he was right in every way. Except on Tuesdays, and every other three hours.

“Hey mister Discord.” Scootaloo had finished off her ice cream cone, and thrown it out the window, where it grew legs and scurried away like some sort of waffle lizard. “You’re a pretty funny guy, you know that?”

Discord scoffed, deciding that accepting the filly’s compliment would be too predictable. “Of course I know I’m funny. What, do you think I have rocks in my brain?” He grabbed one of his horns and opened his head up. A swarm of cutlery ran out, taking their one and only chance to escape the confines of Discord’s deranged mind.

“Well, I suppose I should have seen that coming.” Discord mused as the Pegasus collapsed onto the floor in a fit of laughter.

“So, kid.” Discord slumped back down. “Now that your face is fixed, what do you say? Do you want to come around town and help me prank some ponies?” His face brightened, as he thought of something devious. “Hey, we can start with your parents! How about that, eh?”

Scootaloo frowned. “I… don’t have parents.”

“Oh, don’t try and trick me!” Discord tutted. “Everypony’s got parents. I suppose you don’t want them to meet me, but little did you know –” He took out a scarlet cape with a swirl. “I can summon them! Right, here!”

With a swift tug he removed his cape, revealing –

Two coffins, laid out on the floor.

Scootaloo and Discord both took in the sight. “You know, it’s not often that I’m surprised.” He smiled. “This is turning into a really fun day!”

Scootaloo wailed, and threw herself at the coffins. “Mom! Dad!” She cried, in what Discord thought was an adorable fashion.

Discord savored the tears for a moment, before brushing them off. “Sorry about that.” He said insincerely, as he poofed the coffins away, transforming them into cakes in the process. “So, you’re an orphan?”

Scootaloo glared at him. He didn’t know why she looked so angry. “No, I’m a runaway. Orphans are abandoned.”

Discord stroked his beard, as an ingenius idea popped into his head, probably the best idea he had since the maze ploy. “Kid, how would you like it if I adopted you?”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Sure!” With a snap of his fingers, Discord summoned a series of books on Equestrian law, and put a pair of flashy banana-made reading glasses on his nose. Normally he wouldn’t do something so mundane, but he figured, when you’re spreading chaos it’s worth it to go the extra mile. “I’ve never been a daddy before. This’ll be fun!”

The filly jumped up and down for joy. “Oh boy! Oh boy! I’m gonna have a dad!” She stopped and thought about it for a while. “I’m gonna have a statue for a dad.” Then she began bouncing again. “A magical statue! My dad’s gonna be a magical statue!”

Discord laughed, as he worked his way through books and sheaves of paperwork. Bureaucracy had never been so chaotic before! Within the hour, the two of them had drawn up completely legal adoption papers.

Discord checked his wrist. “Oh my goodness, I’m late!”

“Late for what?” Scootaloo asked, looking up from where she was framing the papers.

“Oh, just visiting a few friends, partying my guts out, and sitting on my throne, cackling madly.” Discord mused. He almost forgot about the filly as he turned to leave, but then he remembered her. “Oh, hey. Don’t wait up, I’ll be back her in time for dinner. Have a cotton candy cloud.”

Discord watched Scootaloo’s eyes light up with the snack. It was the first time he saw somepony happy with his tricks since Pinkie Pie, but then he broke Pinkie Pie. With a cheery grin and a wave, he kicked the wall down flat and used it as a springboard to catapult himself into the sky.

And Scootaloo, the orange Pegasus filly, sat in her tree house with a cloud made of cotton candy that rain chocolate milk.

Discord suddenly returned, poking his head around the corner of the open wall. “Hey Scoots, these friends of yours… if they were animals, what sort of animals do you think they’d be?”

Scootaloo grinned mischievously. “Chickens!”

Discord returned her mischievous grin with interest. “Interstiiiiiiiiiiiiing.” He said, slinking away.

And she waited.

Eventually, she finished eating the cloud.

She still waited.

The sun and the moon zipped up and down in the sky like they were playing a game of tag.

She kept waiting.

She felt what she figured was a sonic rainboom wash over her. Everything seemed to go back to normal.

Pourtant, elle a attendu.

And then her friends came to the club house, and they talked about Discord. Apparantly, he had turned Applebloom into a chicken, but then he turned Sweetie Belle into a penguin. They decided whatever they used to be fighting about was pointless, so they became friends again.

But late at night, as she shivered in the cold of her club house, Scootaloo stared at the adoption papers that she’d framed, and wondered what it would be like to have the Spirit of Chaos as a parent.

Months passed, and Scootaloo found herself at the after party of Canterlot’s biggest wedding in years. She and her two friends had been recommended as flower girls, and they’d done a wonderful job! But Scootaloo had decided, now that the whole wedding thing was over, she needed to talk to somepony.

“Guys, I’ll be back in a minute.” She told her friends.

“Aaaaaaw.” Applebloom whined. “But we need a third pony to dance the ‘jerky turkey’!”

Scootaloo looked around, and saw Spike making his way towards Rarity and adjusting his tux. Scootaloo whisked him away, and brought him back to the Cutie Mark Crusaders. “Here ya go!” She said. “A third dancer!”

“What?” Spike asked, as confused as ever.

Scootaloo rushed off, searching through the crowd. She couldn’t find who she was looking for, but she did find somepony who could help. “Hey Rainbow Dash!” Scootaloo waved.

Rainbow Dash glanced over to her, distracted momentarily from her dance with Pinkie Pie. “Hey Scoots! How’s it going?”

Scootaloo squeezed past a pony couple, causing them to spill their drinks and snort affronted ‘harumph’s. “Rainbow Dash, do you think you can introduce me to Princess Celestia?”

Rainbow Dash grinned knowingly. “Awe yeah, I’m totally tight with the princess.” She picked up the little filly. “Hold on Scoots, most ponies need to book things, like, months in advance to meet her, but you're going to get the V.I.P. treatment.”

They fluttered over to the edge of the party, where Princess Celestia and Princess Luna were looking over the crowd of ponies with smiles on their faces. Scootaloo didn’t even wait for Rainbow Dash to land, eagerly jumping off of her back and running to Princess Celestia.

“Why hello my little pony.” She said, putting on her best benevolent smile.

“Er, hello your majesty.” Scootaloo bowed. Now that she was in front of the princess, she found herself nervous about doing the next thing she wanted to do.

“Hey Princess.” Rainbow Dash greeted her casually. “Scoots here just wanted to meet you. And I was like, ‘sure, anything for my number one fan’.”

Scootaloo gulped. Her mouth was dry. She could sure use a glass of chocolate milk right now. “Um… Princess Celestia?” She asked, as meek as a cat asking a mouse for his opinion on her breath. “I have a… a favor. If you don’t mind.”

“What is it Scootaloo?” Princess Celestia asked curiously.

Scootaloo gulped, and in a fit of panic, she took out her framed adoption papers. “Um… I have a dad who’s sort of in jail… and I was wondering…”

Princess Celestia made a face halfway between a smile and a frown. “Don’t worry little one. One of my own personal additions to Equestrian law, was a law that allows an criminal parent to be excused from prison for two months, under parole, to prove that he or she is worthy of being allowed freedom. As long as you believe your parent is a truly good pony, I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to appeal to the courts.”

Scootaloo blushed, and handed Princess Celestia the adoption papers.

Princess Celestia took them, read through them, and her jaw very nearly hit the floor. She tried to speak, but try as she might she could find only one response to the situation.

…

…

“… That crazy son of a mule.”

Day 1: All Aboard The Crazy Train

Princess Celestia tried everything she could think of to not free Discord.

The law was final. She’d even wrote the law, thinking it would be a fantastic rehabilitation tool. She couldn’t get around the law.

She tried to appeal to the fact that Discord wasn’t fit to be a parent, but the Adoption Society couldn’t prove that he was a bad parent since he’d never had a kid before, or to their knowledge done anything untowards towards kids.

She tried to ask Scootaloo to tear up the adoption papers, appealing to that same logic. But then she learned of Scootaloo’s heart wrenching backstory. Apparently, she preferred Discord to the orphanage.

She tried to get Scootaloo to choose somepony else, anypony else, even Celestia herself, but Scootaloo was set to have Discord as her parent.

She tried to plead that Discord wasn’t really a criminal, just insane. But the old trial records from last millennia clearly indicated his crimes and that they were many.

She argued that Discord wasn’t technically a pony, therefore the law did not apply to him. However, equestrian law states that anypony who was born a pony is a pony (a ruling that prevented murderers from claiming that because a pony was dead, they weren’t technically ponies any more, so it didn’t matter what they did to them).

In the end, there was only one solution.

The solution that Celestia, thanks to her preparedness, had thought up months ago involving two ponies.

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

Princess Cadence and I returned from our honeymoon in a state of bliss. Well, a muted sort of bliss that came with the knowledge that the Honeymoon was over. Not that it was a bad honeymoon... any day where you can save a kingdom from one of the blackest hearts in history and walk away from it is a good one... but staying awake for days on end to confront Sombra was... to put it mildly... not romantic.

I made it a point to whisper sweet nothings into Cadence’s ears as our carriage rode through the land. She deserved it, after the week she'd had. She looked so tired... so frail and thin. I was doing an awful job of protecting her. But I would protect her, or my name isn't Shining Armor.

“I wish we could have stayed in the Crystal Kingdom forever.” Cadence whispered, as I stroked her mane. She had that wonderful romantic smile, only slightly marred from the bags under her eyes. “It's so beautiful... and there's so much love among the ponies now that they've woken up..."

"If you wanted to stay..." I began hurriedly...

"Oh no Shiny." Cadence smiled that beautiful smile of hers. "You have your job. I wouldn't trade you for all of Equestria."

She meant it. My heart soared because I knew that she meant it. "I'm sorry this hasn't been the most romantic honeymoon." I whispered.

"It was romantic enough just being with you." Cadence said with a smile. "Just having you stand by me, awake with me, for four whole days... that was romantic enough."

I smiled back, and kissed her. Starswirl's beard, we both needed it. "Still, when we get home you are going to rest." I said this completely seriously. After being trapped in the Changeling's mines, and the going four days without sleep with only me and some thousand year old coffee to sustain her, she could literally drop dead at any time (she hated coffee, but she needed it, and once the crystal ponies could remember how to brew a decent cup it was extraordinary). She tried to hide it, but we could read each other like a book; which is why I let her try it, since she knew I knew and it made her feel better.

"And to help you with that R&R, I have a present for you." I took out a small box with a cute pink ribbon on it.

She giggled, twirling her mane shyly in her forehoof. "What's in it?" She asked, still unused to accepting presents.

“I was going to save this for when we get home.” Shining Armor whispered. “But I don’t think I can wait any longer to hear your delightful laugh.” He levitated the ribbon loose and opened it for her.

She gasped in delight. “Oh… a crystal seashell…”

“One of the bards gave it to me.” Shining Armor leaned in, and pecked her on the cheek. "It keeps bad dreams away, and if you listen to it at Twilight, you can hear the music of crystals."

She blushed ferociously, and giggled like a schoolfilly. “Oh Shining Armor…”

Whatever she was going to say next, it was interrupted by the coach stopping. “We’re here your majesties.” The Coachpony informed us.

We sighed. “Well, it was fun while it lasted.” Shining Armor grinned. “Time to go back to work.”

“You get to go back to work.” Cadence kissed me on the nose. “I have to laze around the castle waiting for your duties to be over.”

"If you can find a way to rest Cadence..." I moved in and nuzzled her. "I'll find a way to make the rest worth your while."

I opened the door for her, and we stepped out of the coach and to our future.

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

The lovebird's stagecoach stopped right in front of my statue. I watched the pair of them stumble out of the stagecoach, giggling far too maniacally to walk straight. I'd already met Shining Armor... the greatest stick-in-the-mud I've ever met. and Cadence... I immediately pegged her for a ditz. She was just oozing sweetness and adorability.

They were surprised, once they found their bearings, to find Twilight and Princess Celestia waiting for them, as well as an orange coated Pegasus filly. You know which one I’m talking about.

“Hi Twily.” Shining Armor beamed. “Your Majesty.” He bowed to the Princess.

“Oh please Shining Armor.” Celestia waved his bow away. “No need to be so formal, especially now that we're family. You can call me Celestia, or literally anything other than your Majesty.”

“Sorry Celestia.” Shining Armor said, not looking very sorry.

Celestia smiled on them. “I hope you enjoyed your honeymoon you two, as much as you could. I wish I could give the pair of you a well deserved rest after the... recent incidents... but unfortunately, we have a situation here that requires your immediate attentions.”

“Both of us?” Princess Cadence asked, with a smile so bright it almost blinded the sun princess. You'd have to be a pony to understand why she valued work so much. Or maybe she was just jealous she didn't have her own solar sphere under her power and wanted some chance at something important.

... Nah. That level of power-grabbery requires an amount of intelligence I could not detect in Cadence.

“Yes both of you.” Princess Celestia said, presumably assured of her niece's gullibility. She gestured to the young filly. “This is Scootaloo. She has a rather unique problem…”

“It’s not that big of a problem.” Scootaloo said, blushing like a peach.

“Well, a unique situation.” Celestia amended. “It would seem, that during Discord’s last escape, he met young Scootaloo and adopted her.”

The happy couple gasped. “Oh, you poor thing…” Princess Cadence said. “Don’t you worry, he won’t be able to hurt you any more.”

Scootaloo gagged at Princess Cadence’s sentiments. “He never hurt me.”

“It’s not what he’s done that is the issue, it’s what he will do. You remember the law for criminals who have children, don’t you Cadence?”

Cadence gasped in shock. “No… you can’t be thinking…”

“I have tried everything short of rewriting the law.” Princess Celestia said, frowning like Hearth’s Warming Eve got cancelled. “And saying ‘just this once, I refuse to follow the law I myself laid down’ would set a bad precedent.”

“What’s going on?” Shining Armor asked, because he had only memorized the section of Equestria’s big book of laws that he needed to know as Captain of the Guards, mostly the ones involving who to arrest and who not to arrest.

“What’s going on, is criminals who have children are allowed out for a period of two months, during which they can attempt to rehabilitate.” Twilight Sparkle said, in the tone of voice she used to describe something both fascinating and annoying. “Which means Princess Celestia is going to have to release Discord.”

“What!?” Shining Armor yelled. “That’s insane! The last time he was out, he almost destroyed Equestria!”

“That’s why I am putting two of my best ponies on the case.” Princess Celestia said, giving them both a knowing look.

The pair exchanged glances. “How can we help?” Princess Cadence asked.

“In order to ensure Discord does not wreak havoc again, I am putting every precaution I know of into place.” Princess Celestia informed them. “He will not have access to all of his magic; he can only use his magic to help Scootaloo. He will have a house on the edge of Everfree, close to Ponyville, and you two will live with him. Shining Armor… your special talent has always been protection. I charge you now, to protect my subjects from Discord.”

“Of course.” Shining Armor bowed. “You don’t even have to ask.”

“Princess Cadence.” Celestia turned to her pink niece. “You are not as strong as Luna or I, and you've had a rough month. But you are still a member of the royal family, and I know you'll live up to your task. You will, officially, be there as a representative of child services. If Discord proves himself to be an unfit parent, the deal is off, and Twilight will seal him back in stone with the Elements of Harmony. If he somehow regains his full powers and goes out of control, you and Shining Armor must be able to hold him off until Twilight can make it.”

“I won’t let you down!” Despite the somber mood, Princess Cadence was almost bouncing with excitement. She’d never had any royal responsibilities before, and was quite looking forward to it.

“I am so sorry to trouble you two with this after your honeymoon.” Princess Celestia apologized. Again. Yeesh, you'd think Cadence couldn't lick a salt cube without help given the way these ponies were coddling her.

“It’s not the first time I’ve babysat.” Princess Cadence assured her auntie. “Although, it is the first time I’ve had to babysit a demonic statue.”

“And I’m always ready to serve Celestia.” Shining Armor said proudly. “Especially if this way I can serve in Ponyville, and see Twilight more often.”

Then the pink alicorn leaned in to the little Pegasus. “I am a bit confused though.” She said, as if being confused was something entirely foreign to her. “I would have thought, that to prevent you from going to Discord for a family, Auntie Celestia would have given you a family of your own, and parents who aren’t evil monsters bent on destroying the world. Have you considered that option?”

Scootaloo gulped, and looked into Cadence’s eyes, to tell her a story. “When the changelings attacked… me and my friends got lost in the Canterlot hedge maze. We got separated. And I found Discord. He was a statue again… but his face was different. Instead of singing or whatever, it was screaming. A couple of changelings cornered me, and I told them not to come any closer, or he’d hurt them. I didn’t believe it myself, but then I called for him to help. At the last minute, a piano fell on their heads.” Scootaloo gulped back all the emotion in her words. “I don’t think I could think of any other pony I’d like more to be my dad. Even if he is as bad as other ponies say… and all my friends say is he turned them into birds… I want to give him a chance.”

She finished her story with a weak smile, like she was trying to convince herself as well as cadence.

…

To tell you the truth, I actually had nothing to do with that. Some cross-eyed Pegasus happened to be crossing the battle’s airspace and dropped a piano at that moment.

If I weren’t a statue, I would have been rolling on the grass laughing.

But her story seemed to satisfy Cadence, who smiled at Celestia. “I think we should give him a chance.” She said with a clueless smile.

Celestia let rip a withering sigh, and tried to accept the fact that now she had two mares who thought Discord could be redeemed. His nature was a constant state of change, therefore by his very nature he could not change to be a solid predictable state.

Nevertheless, she would follow the law she set down, to whatever crazy ends it might take her.

The five of them gathered in the courtyard, where they’d set up Discord’s statue.

… Yes, I know I switch narrative persons.

What, you want me to keep referring to myself as I? Not very original.

What, you want me to keep referring to myself as discord then? I’m not the Great And Powerful Trixie!

Well, admittedly, I am great and powerful. But I don’t do that third person stuff.

Unless it suits me.

Thank you for your scathing critique of my narrative style. May I continue?

Thank you.

Anyway, Discord’s statue was set up in the main courtyard. They figured it was best not to put everypony at risk, so it was only Celestia, the happy couple, Twilight Dorkle, and Scootaloo. Twilight and Celestia began to cast a spell they lifted from Starswirl the Bearded’s magical works, and began to cast the spell that would restrict my powers.

Of course, thanks to the magic of Canterlot bureaucracy, I was able to retain my powers to help Scootaloo.

I never did find out whether it was actual magic, or just Celestia’s little joke about bureaucracy being magic.

After they were done, Cadence used her magic to shatter my stone prison. I was glad to be free. It was so boring just sitting there, mouth wide open for insects to fly in, staring at everypony who passed by.

Unfortunately, the laws of physics said that Discord couldn’t fly on his tiny wings, and he was in no shape to argue with them. So, he just stretched out, yawned, and examined his foot. It was a magnificent foot; truly, any other pony would be lucky to have half the foot that he did.

“And to what do I owe the pleasure of your company this fine morning?” Discord asked, proudly not letting on how upset he was.

“Discord, it is with much regret that I have summoned you from your well deserved punishment.” Princess Celestia said, all high-and-mighty. “But don’t even think about using magic, because if you do…”

“I’m sorry, I’ve already tried to use magic.” Discord said pleasantly. “Since your face is still making those talking sounds, I’ve already figured out you’ve blocked it somehow.” Then he noticed Scootaloo. “Helloooo, what’s this? The little filly whose friends were a bunch of flightless birds! How you doin’ kiddo?”

“I’m fine, thanks to you.” Scootaloo giggled. For the past several weeks, everypony was telling her how much she’d regret her choices. But now she felt fantastic!

Discord smiled despite himself. “So, what now celestia? If you’re going to punish me worse then turning me into stone, could you possibly turn the filly around? No need for her poor young mind to be influenced by your boring old punishments. Or could I give you some creative suggestions? I have a few ideas about how I want to go out.”

“No Discord, she is not here to witness your demise.” Celestia glared at him. “She is here because you adopted her, and by law, you will be allowed to prove yourself worthy of her.”

Discord blinked. “Are you pulling my leg?” He asked. Then he looked down, to where the tugging was coming from. “Oh no, I am.” He released his leg and hopped in front of the group. “You’re telling me, that you set me free, because you figured I’d rise to the occasion and be a good father?”

Celestia glared. “No. I set you free, because you somehow managed to exploit a loophole in the Equestrian legal system.”

“A total accident, I assure you.” Discord smiled. He turned his attention to the orange filly, and whispered in her ear. “What’s your take on all of this?”

“I think the Princess is funny when she’s flummoxed, and you’d make a better dad then anypony thinks.” Scootaloo whispered back.

Discord stroked his beard, then turned to the mighty god-queen. “So, you’re saying that my choices are reform or be turned back to stone?”

“Yes.” Celestia said adamantly. “There is no other option for you.”

Discord clapped his hands like a foal on hearth’s warming. “Challenge accepted. What are the rules?” He asked.

“You only want rules so you can break them!” Celestia accused. She wasn’t entirely wrong.

Discord motioned for her to continue. With a slight huff, she explained. “The rules are: You will have two months to prove you are an exemplary citizen. Your progress will be judged by Princess Cadence, and she and Shining Armor will make sure you don’t hurt anypony. If she deems you are an unfit parent, you will be turned to stone. If she deems you are a threat to the ponies around you, you will be turned to stone. If you break the rules, you will be turned to stone. You will only be permitted magic to help your daughter and only to help your daughter. Understood?”

“Clear as peanut brittle.” Discord said with a grin. He hawked a loogy into his lion’s paw and held out his paw for Princess Celestia to shake. She eyed it with disdain, refusing his polite gesture.

He shrugged, and held out his hand to Scootaloo, who spat in her own hoof and shook Discord’s paw.

“The train for Ponyville will be leaving within the hour.” Celestia said, all but growling. “I will expect the five of you to be on it.”

“Sure thing.” Discord waved her away, before picking his new daughter up. “So, you’re who I have to thank for saving me from being a boring pile of rocks the rest of my life?” He asked.

“Yep.” She giggled.

“I think that deserves some ice cream!” He produced a cone of rainbow sorbet from out of nowhere.

With the shock that comes when one misses a punchline, Celestia reach up to her head, and realized that her mane was gone, and quickly being eaten by a hungry pagasus. “Discord!”

“What?” He asked, with a debonair wink. “You said I could use my magic for my daughter. Or am I being a bad parent Ms. Cadence?”

Cadence had to stifle a giggle, only managing not to laugh because her husband, who had sworn an oath of loyalty to Celestia, was glaring at the spirit of chaos. “I think I could chalk that up as being a bad example. But if you put Celestia’s mane back, I wouldn’t hold it against you.”

Discord sighed. “Oh fine. Sorry Scootaloo, but the princesses say no ice cream.”

He put Celestia’s mane back. She sighed with relief, only to go stiff again when she realized her mane still had bite marks in it.

“That’s okay.” Scootaloo said, smiling like a kindergartner’s drawings. “I’m more hungry for pizza anyway.”

“Don’t encourage him!” Twilight cried. That girl really needed to lighten up.

With a mocking grin, Discord produce an upside-down pizza. “It’s not made from anypony’s mane, I swear.” He said, as it flashed like the lights in Las Pegasus. Which is what it was made of.

Everypony except for Discord and Scootaloo face-hoofed. It was gonna be a long day, and only two of them were gonna take advantage of every minute of it.

To his delight, Discord found Scootaloo to be a wonderful partner in crime. She would ride on his head, gripping his horns, and laughing at all of his jokes. She didn’t seem to by all that bothered by the ponies who would cross the street to avoid the pair of them, and he wasn’t at all bothered by the weight on his head. It felt good to stretch his legs again, and even if he couldn’t make the world less boring, he could still create his own tiny little maelstrom of anarchy around her.

Of course, they didn’t always break the rules. In fact, when they reached the train, Twilight, Shining Armor, and Cadence all went inside of the train instead of on it like Celestia expected of them. Such rebels!

Any hesitation Scootaloo may have had about Discord being her dad vanished when he decided that no daughter of his was going to go ride any boring old train, and made the train grow orange wings and fly through the night sky to Ponyville.

The exciting train ride tired Scootaloo out. So the trains landed, and he used himself as a hammock for her. He wrapped his tail around Twilight’s horn, and held his other end up with his paw, swinging himself gently as Scootaloo snoozed gently on his stomach. This irritated Twilight to no end, but Princess Cadence was smiling like a Pinkie Pie, and she quickly shushed her so they could keep being adorable.

The sugary sweet scene offered only the slightest of joys to Discord. His powers had been taken away… he’d been reduced to a mere foalsitter! Granted the foal was pretty cool, but this was still an insult he would not stand! Already his mind was taking the measure of his new guardians… looking for weak spots to exploit… Princess Cadence would be all too easy, but it would be fun trying to get past Shining Armor, he could already tell.

Eventually they came to their new house. It was, as promised, right at the edge of Everfree. A Tudor style cottage, with a neat little chimney and rows of neat little rose bushes. There were probably a few rabbits hiding somewhere, ready to pop their cute widdle heads up at the first sign of a musical. The whole thing just smelled of sugar, and not the kind you put in chocolate, the artificial kind that people put in medicine and tofu to trick foals into taking the healthy stuff because it’s good for them.

“It’s so adorable.” Princess Cadence sighed, predictably taken in by the boring cottage.

“It’s a box.” Discord deadpanned. “I know Scootaloo and her parents have been living in boxes for years, but it seems rather boring, don’t you think?”

“It’s a wonderful cottage.” Shining Armor said, putting a defensive hoof around his wife. “And you’re lucky to be living here now instead of the Canterlot gardens.”

Discord sighed, dramatically. “Oh, I know.” He said. “I just thought that a box wouldn’t be a conductive place to raise a kid. Don’t you think so Scootaloo?” He lifted her head and made her nod, waking her up.

“Huh, what?” She asked, blinking her eyes open.

“Hey kid.” Discord gestured to the house. “We’re going to be living in a cake tonight, if that’s okay with you.”

Discord, being the amazing father that he was, had snapped his fingers while she wasn’t looking and transformed that boring old cottage into a triple-layered cake chocolate/butterscotch/sardine cake. The lower levels were painted so they looked exactly like the Everfree forest behind it, giving the impression of the cake being inside the forest except for the door in front. The higher levels were painted in an image of a discarded world; a green sky, flying fish, a cloud raining clouds, and a pair of dragons in gaudy disco suits doing the tango.

“Cool!” Scootaloo clapped her hooves with joy. Cool was by far preferable to ‘wonderful’. “Dibs on the top floor!”

“Dibs on the oven!” Discord joined in the dibbing game. I find that ovens are quite comfortable, provided there’s a turkey inside to sleep on.

“If only.” Twilight muttered. Doubtless she was entertaining some sort of fantasy where she switched the oven on in my sleep. Though, that’s probably the least weird of her fantasies.

Which reminded me. “I seem to recall one of your friends has a sweet tooth.” Discord said. “Would you mind keeping her away from our new home tonight?”

Twilight scoffed. “And how do you expect me to do that?” She asked.

So discord coated her in chocolate, and stuck a caramel apple on her horn. “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” He said with a wink.

It was as if merely thinking about Pinkie Pie caused a chain reaction of the universe that summoned the party on hoofes to them. She leapt out of the bushes behind them, with a battle cry that went something like this: “PIIIIIINYAAAAATAAAAAA!!!”

Twilight screamed and ran for the hills as her friend chased after her, eager to eat away Twilight’s candy coating.

It was an interesting experiment. I helped my daughter by making her a cool house. Then I helped her by protecting the house against those who would otherwise eat it. Looks like I found an avenue of revenge towards the Elements of Harmony after all.

Bite me Celestia. Chaos rules.

Of course, Shining Armor didn’t see it that way. The mean old cranky pants picked the defenseless Discord up by the tail, until he was floating upside down, and they were eye level. “Don’t mess with my sister!” He said, in a voice vaguely reminiscent of Celestia the first time she turned me to stone.

“I was only making sure my daughter didn’t wake up to find our house eaten!” Discord said innocently.

“That was kind of mean though.” Scootaloo admonished him.

“Only because you are unfamiliar in the ways of the heart.” Discord said, patting her on the head. “Trust me, when Twilight realizes that Pinkie Pie is her special somepony, she’ll be pouring chocolate on herself so Pinkie will come hither.”

“How can they be special someponies if they’re both girls?” Scootaloo asked innocently.

Discord grinned. “It’s like how apples usually fall on the ground, but sometimes they fall on pony’s heads.” He explained.

“Oooooooh.” Scootaloo nodded. “I don’t get it.”

Twilight ran past them again, still screaming. “PINKIE, GO AWAY!” She wailed.

“But you’re covered in chocolate!” Pinkie Pie yelled after her, bouncing nonchalantly.

“Or I could be wrong.” Discord admitted, shrugging to Shining Armor. It was an awfully big gesture, admitting to being wrong, but did big brother shiny accept it? Nooooooooo.

“Cadence, I think he’s starting to be a threat to those around him.” Shining Armor said.

Cadence shot Discord an apologetic look, and he sighed. “Look, I couldn’t take away her chocolate coating even if I tried. It wouldn’t benefit Scootaloo, so I can’t do it.”

Scootaloo pondered this for a bit. “Maybe… you could find a way to make it important for Twilight not to be covered in chocolate?”

Discord shrugged. Since he was still hanging upside down, the effect was beautifully weird. “Hey Twilight!” I yelled. “If I take away the chocolate, will you buy Scootaloo a…” He turned to Scootaloo. “What is it fillies want their parents to buy for them these days?” Scootaloo shrugged.

“Yes!” Twilight yelled. “I’ll give her some books if you’ll get rid of this chocolate!”

Discord complied, and snapped his fingers. The chocolate turned into alfalfa.

Twilight and Pinkie Pie took in the unicorn’s new apparel. It certainly wasn’t a Rarity original, but I thought it was stylish. Until Pinkie Pie screwed up her face and went “Ew.”

Twilight sighed. “Well, I suppose this is a slight improvement.” She said.

And then the night behind her was lit up with a thousand devious eyes. The sound of thunder warned Twilight of their approach, and she turned and saw a swarm of voracious rabbits!

“This is so much worse!!!” She screamed, like a little filly. She ran away again, this time followed by a hurricane of cotton tails and buck teeth.

An idea struck Pinkie Pie, and she bounced after them. “Come back!” She called. “You still have a caramel apple on your horn!”

Discord couldn’t help but snicker at the fleeing mare. His snickering was cut short by a glare from Shining Armor. “Oh relax.” He told the uptight stallion. “I honestly did not plan that. If she dies, she won’t be able to give Scootaloo any books.”

He snapped his fingers again, and Twilight appeared in front of them, minus the alfalfa. She ran around in a small circle, before finally deeming herself to be free of any foreign substance that could be eaten by any ravenous creature, and sighing in relief.

Then Pinkie Pie came out of nowhere and bit the apple off of her horn.

“Scootaloo.” Princess Cadence asked. “You do know that what discord did was wrong, right?”

Scootaloo nodded. “Yeah.” She said. “I mean, it was a funny prank, but it was wrong to prank Twilight. Rainbow Dash never pranks ponies who can’t take it.”

Princess Cadence sighed with relief. “At least you aren’t being a bad example.” She told discord with a smile. A former evil tyrant that ponies fear the very name of, and she was just worried about whether I'd be a bad example or not?

Shining Armor stared at her in disbelief. Then, he seemed to decide that if his wife was okay with this, he was sort of okay with this, so he let Discord down. Not nicely mind you, but it didn’t hurt that much. “It’s been a long day.” He said. “We should be getting to bed. There are beds inside of that cake, right?”

Pinkie Pie looked around. “What cake?” She asked.

“That cake.” Twilight pointed.

Pinkie Pie squinted at the Everfree forest. “I don’t see a cake. Just a cake shaped patch of green sky, with a bunch of weird icing pictures floating on it. It’s like something Discord would do.” Then she noticed Discord standing there, and did a double take. “Oh wow! It’s you! Hey, hey, make it rain chocolate again!”

Discord sniffed in disdain. “No.” He said. “An artist never paints a canvas the same way twice.” I may be an unpredictable psychopathic abomination of evil, but I have my standards.

“That’s okay!” Pinkie smiled. “I figured out a way to make it rain chocolate for your welcome-back-to-Ponyville-please-try-not-to-be-evil-we’re-so-happy-Scootaloo-doesn’t-have-to-live-on-the-streets-anymore party!”

Discord clapped his hands. “Yay! You’re invited to the I’m-back-baby-so-anypony-who-wants-in-on-the-crazy-train-better-have-tickets after party!” He glanced sidelong at the sparkle family. “Strictly no unicorns, alicorns, or goody-two-shoes allowed.” He explained.

Pinkie Pie jumped for joy. “Oh! This is going to be so much fun! Excuse me, I have a party to plan! Actually, I have three parties to plan, since I have to plan Shining Armor and Princess Cadence’s welcome-to-Ponyville party first.”

“Strictly no spirits of chaos allowed.” Twilight stuck her tongue out at Discord. Who, being much more mature then her, blew a raspberry at her.

“Thanks for the caramel apple! Byebye!” Pinkie Pie zoomed off.

“You should probably get going too.” Shining Armor told Twilight. “We can handle Discord.”

Twilight wasn’t so sure, but she wished her family goodnight, and they went inside to explore their new house.

It was a very nice two story house. Discord changed things as he went along, knowing that he would never have his daughter be in a boring house. Eventually, after Cadence insisted, Discord went to the third floor to tuck Scootaloo to bed.

The pair of them stared at the bed for a while.

“Do you know how to tuck a pony to bed?” Scootaloo asked.

Discord shook his head. “No, do you?” Scootaloo shook her head.

Discord snapped his fingers. “Well okay then!” He said. “It looks like we’re going to have to improvise!”

For their first attempt, Scootaloo sat in the bed, and Discord folded it in half on top of her. Scootaloo thought it was cozy, but she couldn’t breath well, so they abandoned the idea despite Discord thinking breathing was boring.

The next attempt ended up with Scootaloo bundled in a blanket cocoon and hanging off the ceiling. While this was much more comfortable then option one, she pointed out that she wasn’t actually in the bed, so this was probably the wrong way to be tucked in.

Their third attempt ended up with Scootaloo covered in tree sap. She was decidedly not tucked in.

After consulting Princess Cadence for help, she delightedly told Discord that all ‘tucking in’ meant, was kissing the foal on the forehead and turning out her lights so she wouldn’t have to walk back to her bed in the dark. She patted him on the arm and assured him that any new father would make that mistake, and that he was lucky he didn’t have to deal with diapers.

After she was safely tucked away, Shining Armor reprimanded him for messing with Twilight and warned him not to do so again. Princess Cadence agreed with him, and added that if he felt the need to ship, he should consult with her first, as Pinkie Pie and Twilight would have undoubtedly had a very unhappy relationship had his scheme to get them together worked.

As Discord curled up in the oven, he fell asleep to dreams of sweet revenge against them.

Day 2: Friendship Is Chaos

The mighty Discord, proud and free, sleeps in his humble habitat the stove. Nopony dares approach this majestic and untouchable creature. The immortal glory of the Discord sleeping, cannot be contained by mere photographs, only by a painting, painted by a dying earth pony, colored in paints made from ground unicorn horns, and brushed with the feathers of a Pegasus. And even then, the artist would have to sell his soul at the end, to truly capture the essence of majesty emanating from the most dangerous thing in Equestria.

And yet, Princess Cadence still found it in her to poke her head into my oven the next morning at, of all times, six thirty in the morning.

I was tempted to turn her into Shining Armor’s breakfast. I’m sure I could have rationalized it to benefit Scootaloo in some way.

Apparently, she wanted me to ‘be awake when Scootaloo’s awake, and make her breakfast like a regular dad’. I have since asked around, and realized that except for on special occasions no father does this! They all cheap out and give their kids cereal, because that is the easiest thing in the world for them to prepare so they can feed themselves!

I’m onto your games, Cadence.

Of course, I wasn’t onto her games just then, so I just cracked a few eggs, and poured out a full and complete breakfast.

“Are you sure this is safe to feed a foal?” Princess Cadence asked, suspiciously sniffing the bowl of French toast.

“Well I wouldn’t be able to make it if it wasn’t safe for her would I?” Discord asked.

Princess Cadence decided to make sure by testing each one of the dishes Discord prepared. Sometimes she’d add a pinch of salt, or some other herb he didn’t even know existed. Discord watched, regally, before deciding he wasn’t needed and hung from his horns in the ceiling to go back to sleep.

Only to be woken up seven and three quarters of a minute later by the sound of a certain orange filly opening the door to the kitchen, and the princess’s resulting coos of affection.

“Good morning sweetie, did you sleep well?”

Scootaloo yawned, and smiled. “Yeah. I’ve never slept on a cloud bed before. It was wonderful. But why is my room in the basement?”

The mighty Discord decided the confused glare from the princess was a worthy offering for an answer. “The house changes.” He shrugged, and popped himself out of the ceiling, deciding he may as well not get any sleep as get some sleep.

“What do you mean the house changes?” Scootaloo asked.

Discord shrugged. “I mean the house changes. I thought it would be an interesting experience for you.”

Scootaloo grinned, sheepishly. “Well… yeah… I guess that sounds cool, but could the house not change my room to the basement?”

Discord shrugged. “Sure, I guess. Hey look, breakfast.” He sat down eagerly, and grabbed a plate. He snapped his fingers, and was irritated when the food didn’t come onto his plate singing and dancing. “Could you pass the waffles?”

Scootaloo climbed onto her own seat, and looked at all the confections. She pushed a plate of rainbow polka-dotted waffles towards him. Discord shook his head. “No no, those are rippled pancakes. The waffles are flat.” Scootaloo nodded and pushed what looked like upside down pancakes towards him. He stuck his fork in the pile and shoved it down his throat.

And then he choked.

It turned out, that after a thousand years of shoving whole buffet tables down his throat at a time, and drinking through straws that twirled every which way and sometimes around the globe, he’d forgotten how to eat properly without magic.

Scootaloo leaped across the table and head-butted him in the chest, causing Discord to hork out the pile of waffles. He spluttered for a moment before putting on the most nonchalantingest look he could. “I meant to do that.”

“Did you?” Scootaloo asked.

“Yes. I thought it would be more interesting than just eating.” Discord imperiously tried to sip from his drink, but found that his bendy straw was too long and too twirly, and he couldn’t suck the orange juice up. Taking such a deep breath to try hurt his throat even more, and he star wheezing and hacking.

Scootaloo patted him on the back. “It’s okay.” She said. “I’ve forgotten how to eat once or twice.”

The Princess gasped. “Oh, you poor dear!”

Discord rolled his eyes. Here was this filly trying to relate to him. “I didn’t forget how to eat.” He said, picking up some of the mushed up waffles in his talon. “I just stick out my tongue, put the food on it, then stick it back in.” He proceeded to do just that, and promptly choked on his breakfast again, forcing Scootaloo to save his life for the second time.

“Ugh… I think the problem is the food.” Discord nodded, agreeing with his decision. “Yes, I made this food more you, not for me. That’s why I’m having problems eating it. It’s filly food.” He sniffed and strode imperiously from the table.

Scootaloo frowned. “All right then.” She said. “If you’re not going to eat, I guess I’ll have to.” Looking around, she found an apple that looked a lot like a banana, and peeled it. “I guess I’ll just have to open my mouth wide.” Discord watched, as she hovered over the banapple. “And bite down on a small, manageable portion.” She bit off the tip of the banapple. “Anthen… tchew i’… tua pulp.” She said, through mouthfuls.

Discord observed this spectacle. “Ha!” Discord laughed. “I bet that’s just what you want, isn’t it? This whole delicious breakfast to yourself?” He sat down again, and picked up a drumstick of cereal. Cautiously, he opened his mouth. He moved to take a bite out of it, then caught Scootaloo watching, and took a slightly smaller bite. Then… he wasn’t quite clear what chewing entailed, but Scootaloo took another bite of her banapple just then, and he mimicked her jaw movements.

“Yow!” He spat out his food again. “The food attacked me!”

Princess Cadence moved forward for a better look. “The food didn’t attack you.” Princess Cadence explained. “You just bit yourself with that great big tooth of yours.”

Discord felt around with his tongue. His tooth was sharp. He was quite proud of it. It was sharper then even a dragon’s tooth. He’d once taken a bite out of the moon! Although, that might have been aided by magic.

Actually… a lot of what I did was aided by magic.

And when I realized I couldn’t even eat without it… the prospect of only using my magic for others became a lot more intimidating.

“Don’t worry.” Cadence said patronizingly. “I’m sure we’ll be able to teach you how to eat properly.”

“What do you mean?” Scootaloo asked, batting her eyelashes with an innocence that only came with years of practice. “I thought Discord knew how to eat?”

“Of course I know how to eat!” Discord roared, picking up the cereal drumstick again. “In fact, I bet I can finish this before you can finish your banapple!”

“You’re on!” Scootaloo cheered.

The race wasn’t very interesting, but it was surprisingly fun. Probably because I won. Scootaloo was eating so slow, you’d think she was trying to lose! Meanwhile, I bit myself more then I intended…

Well, only once or twice more…

No more then half a dozen…

Well, I didn’t expect to bite myself at all you see…

Anyway, the point is that I won! Even though Princess Cadence was snickering something about father daughter bonding right where she knew I could hear her as some sort of distractionary tactic. Victory, and my blood, never tasted so good.

After the race, Scootaloo pushed herself away from the table, much to the royal pain’s chagrin. “Where do you think you’re going?” She asked.

“I’m gonna go see my friends!” Scootaloo beamed. “I haven’t seen them since your wedding. I’ve been too busy with everypony trying to get me to sign papers or not sign papers and stuff.”

“But you haven’t even eaten a proper breakfast!” Cadence pushed her back towards her seat at the table.

“I’m not hungry.” Scootaloo protested. “I don’t usually eat much for breakfast.”

This, apparently, was the wrong thing to say. Princess Cadence forced her to eat like some sort of pancake torturer! I tried to intervene on Scootaloo’s behalf, but the pink menace wouldn’t let it go. Especially when my stomach growled at her. I tried to convince her it was because I was so mad my internal organs were growling at her, but she insisted that I eat as well.

And to add to the gall of it, she put a giant marshmallow on my teeth while I eat! As if I weren’t able to eat without cutting myself?

… I am able to eat without cutting myself.

I don’t care what you think.

I am Discord! The laws of physics bow before me! You think I cannot master my own mouth!?

Anyway, by the time we left the breakfast table, Scootaloo was so full I had to roll her out on her red wagon. Shining Armor came in late, and ate a hurried breakfast before following us out. Apparantly, he was immune to her evil eating hypnotism.

“You know, I pity you when you have kids.” I told him. “She’d going to make you get up at the crack of dawn to make breakfast for them. You poor, poor stallion.”

To repay me for my kind warning, he stepped on my tail.

Honestly, I expected more from the Captain Of The Guard then schoolyard bullying tactics.

As we left the house, Scootaloo screamed.

She’d never seen a house with a mouth before.

The House rolled out its tongue so as to allow Scootaloo’s wagon through. Shining Armor hurried out as if the House would eat him at any moment. Over night, the house had changed into a dragon. A dragon with windows, and a door on the back of his throat. “Goodbye Boss, Miss, Sir.” It said.

“You can talk!” Scootaloo explained.

The House seemed to ponder this. “Yus Miss.” It said.

Scootaloo looked at me, as if she was expecting more. Discord shrugged. It’s not like I plan these things.

“But you can talk!” She repeated at the house.

The House nodded. “Yus Miss.” It repeated.

“How can you talk!?” She asked.

The House was lost in thought. “…I ‘ave a mouth Miss.” It pointed out, helpfully.

“Discord, why is my wife inside a dragon!?” Shining Armor yelled.

Discord sighed. “Oh, must I explain everything?” He asked. “It’s like I already explained to Scootaloo, the house changes.”

“I’m going to need a little more than that.” Shining Armor stamped his hoof impatiently.

“That’s so cool.” Scootaloo said, in barely a whisper.

Discord smiled, and decided her saving my life twice before breakfast was an acceptable trade for an answer. So, he summoned a bag and showed it to her. “Can you see what’s in this bag?” he asked.

She looked inside. “It’s a stopwatch.” She said. She was wrong. It was a fogwatch.

“Eh, close enough.” He shrugged. Then he shook the bag, and showed it to her again. “Now what’s inside it?”

“The same thing, only in pieces.” Scootaloo said. This time she was right.

“There are two types of chaos.” Discord explained. “The first type of chaos, is harmony.”

“Harmony isn’t chaos.” Shining Armor said. He was so wrong. He was wrong so hard, he was right. It was a whole circle of wrong-ness.

“WRONG!” Discord cheered. “A wielder of harmonic chaos would have, say brought the bag and the watch together. It would have been a golden bag that opened or closed by clockwork. Or it would have been a bag that could tell time. Both of which are impossible, so don’t you tell me it’s not chaotic! But me, I use the other kind of chaos magic.”

Scootaloo was confused. “What does this have to do with House?” She asked.

Discord showed her the bag again. “Here’s what it has to do with the House. The first thing about chaos magic, and the real difference between what I do and what Unicorns can do, is that chaos cannot create or destroy anything. It’s like taking a deck of cards and shuffling them. They’re the same cards, they’re just out of order.”

“My type of magic takes things apart, makes them go out of order.” I showed her the bag again. “The house is still the same. It still has all of its pieces. It still has what makes it a house; a kitchen, a dining room, a family room, a couple of bathrooms, a couple of bedrooms, a basement, a second floor, doors, windows, infrastructure, personality, etc… BUT! Now, I’ve taken it apart, and I’m shuffling it around, like pieces of a watch in a bag. Sometimes they’ll be in a different order. Sometimes, miraculously, two parts will fit together like they’re supposed to. Sometimes one part will be more prominent then the others. Discorded. Do you follow?”

Scootaloo seemed to follow.

“I don’t get it.” She said.

Eh, she was only a filly.

Discord shrugged. “I made the house talk.” Discord said. “From now on it’ll talk. Hey! Uh… House!”

“Yus Boss?” House said.

“Scootaloo wants her bedroom to be second floor at all times!”

The House pondered this. “A’right Boss.”

“Now come on.” Discord began to roll Scootaloo along on her wagon again. “Let’s go meet these friends of yours.”

Scootaloo suddenly brightened up. “Waitaminute! You said harmony was a type of chaos right?” She asked.

Discord laughed. “Well of course it is! Look at the Elements of Harmony! An obsessive compulsive bookworm who doesn’t even know how important or how old she is, and act’s like she’s your age…”

“Hey!” Shining Armor glared, warningly. Discord rolled his eyes. It wasn’t like he’d made a rule against making fun of her when she wasn’t around.

“… A farm pony with absolutely zero manners, a self-absorbed, generous fashionista who takes as much as she gives, a Pegasus who thinks her picture should be under ‘awesome’ in the dictionary, a shy critter-loving recluse who’s so weak and helpless that she can’t be beaten because she’ll never fight, and… and… Pinkie Pie!”

Discord kicked a stone at his feet. In one of his rare moments of sharing, he confided in Scootaloo. “I once played a game of ‘who can think up the most chaotic thing’ with Starswirl the Bearded. He won on his first go with ‘friendship’.”

“But you can’t use that type of chaos can you?” Scootaloo asked.

Discord laughed. “I should say not!” He said. “I’m a villain! The scourge of Equestria! I don’t bring things together, I tear them apart!”

“But you want to!” Discord froze as Scootaloo clapped her hooves. “You want to make friends! You’re jealous!”

Discord raised an eyebrow. “Listen, Scootaloo, let me spell something out for you.” He said. “I’m a force of nature. I’m ten times worse than a hurricane, a forest fire, and a tsunami combined. Forces of nature don’t get jealous.”

“They don’t eat breakfast either.” Scootaloo said, pointing to the kitty bandaid on Discord’s chin where he’d kept biting himself as he chewed.

“The official story is, I cut myself shaving.” Discord muttered. “Forces of nature can shave. Tsunamis shave all the time.”

“You know what?” Scootaloo asked. “I’m gonna find you a friend.”

Discord chuckled. “Oh, that’s a good one.” He laughed. “Makes sure this friend is funny, and while you’re at it, purple with yellow polka dots.”

Then a pile of alfalfa ran past. Said alfalfa was in the shape of a certain unicorn, and had several bite marks in it. As it ran past it was followed in a race to the death with the fifty deadly bunnies who had not yet given up the chase.

“… Is that the alfalfa you teleported Twilight out of last night?” Scootaloo asked.

“Don’t pay any attention to it.” Discord said, waving it away. “If you do, it might become a running gag.”

“A what?” Scootaloo asked. “It looked like running alfalfa to me.” But Discord decided that it wouldn’t do to answer that particular question, and so he just pulled Scootaloo into town without a word. Shining Armor took one last nervous look at the running alfalfa, and then at the House before following them warily.

Apparently, word had gotten around that the great and mighty Discord had come to town. But instead of greeting him with fanfare and red carpets as was proper, they had doors shut and windows barred.

“Are those… are those ponies wearing hazmat suits?” Discord asked, pointing to the window of a house that apparently couldn’t afford curtains. The ponies in the window ducked the second they realized he was looking their way.

“I didn’t know those were still around.” Shining Armor said with a nostalgic smile. “Canterlot was supplied with anti-magical hazmat suits when Twilight was there studying with the princess as well. Standard procedure to ensure the citizens weren’t spontaneously transformed into plantlife. I’m surprised Celestia didn’t keep her in some remote desert facility for the majority of her childhood.” He glanced at Discord. “Twilight can control herself now, but I imagine after your invasion the ponies of Canterlot found a demanding market for these suits in Ponyville.”

Shining Armor probably meant to jibe him, but Discord felt an overwhelming sense of pride at the fear he’d sown here. Granted, He was disgusted they’d think their little anti-Twilight suits would work against him, but it was the small sort of disgust that comes with a job too well done.

They strolled in relative peace and quiet. The only pony out was a zebra, that didn’t even have the grace to run when Discord went ‘boo’! In fact, she even rolled her eyes! But that made the walk interesting. Peace and quiet was best taken in small doses. Like, really tiny doses. Miniscule.

“This is so cool.” Scootaloo whispered to Shining Armor. “It’s like I have the whole town to myself.”

“Don’t get used to it.” Shining Armor said. “Every battlefield is the quietest just before the biggest battles.”

Scootaloo gave him an incredulous stare that I could be proud of. “This is Ponyville. Not a war zone.”

Shining Armor looked a little bit perturbed. “Discord’s here. That makes it a war zone.”

Discord decided he should use that sometime. It was quite an eloquent boast, should he decide to resume his quest for world domination.

They reached the door to Rarity’s boutique in record time thanks to the minimal amount of traffic. By this point, Scootaloo had finished digesting, and knocked on the door herself.

“So what are you planning on doing while she hangs out with her friends?” Shining Armor asked Discord conspiratorially.

He shrugged. “Follow her around, and turn things into different things I suppose.” Discord said, examining his talon.

Shining Armor shook his head. “Well, the faster to get rid of you I suppose.” He said.

“And what, praytell, do you mean by that?” Discord asked, ignoring his talon for the moment, for the much more interesting sight of a shiny butterfly. Shiny, shiny butterfly.

“I mean most fillies would be embarrassed by their dads following them around.” Shining Armor explained.

Discord glared at him with the weight of twelve thousand moons. “Are you suggesting…” He asked, in a tone that made it clear that Shining Armor should not be suggesting anything in the next century. “… That Scootaloo may be embarrassed by me? So embarassed by me that your lovey dovey will decide I'm unfit to be a parent?”

Shining Armor met his glare. “No.” He said. “I’m telling you.”

Scootaloo knocked on the door again, and Rarity opened it. “Sweetie Belle isn’t home.” Rarity said firmly.

“Do you know where she is then?” Scootaloo asked.

“No.” Rarity said firmly. “And I don’t want you going near her any more.”

“What!?” Scootaloo squeaked. “Why not!?”

“Because of him.” Rarity pointed at Discord. “Because… um… what happened to his face?”

“He cut himself shaving.” Scootaloo laughed nervously.

“Well good!” Rarity huffed. “He deserves worse! And I can’t have anypony who actually wants that monster free after what he did being friends with my little sister! Good day!” She slammed the door in Scootaloo’s face.

Scootaloo was pale and shaky as she made her way back to Discord and Shining Armor.

“Are you okay?” Shining Armor asked.

“She… she doesn’t want me to see Sweetie Belle any more.” Scootaloo said.

“And what exactly is she going to do to stop you?” Discord asked.

Scootaloo frowned. “She’s older than me.” She said, as if it were a rule of the universe that older mares were the boss of younger mares. Discord rolled his eyes.

“Princess Celestia is older then all of your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandparents combined!” Discord protested. “Did you just roll over when she said I couldn’t be your dad?”

Scootaloo’s face brightened. “No! No I didn’t!”

Shining Armor face-hoofed. “I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to be teaching Scootaloo to rebel against authority.” He said.

“So write it in your fatherhood report.” Discord said, waving his comment away. “In the meantime, don’t you have another friend Scootaloo? A certain chicken in a bow?”

“That’s right!” Scootaloo clapped her hooves. “Let’s go down to Apple Acres and find Applebloom!”

Unfortunately, we did find Applebloom.

Found Sweetie Belle too.

The pair of them were in their clubhouse, half-heartedly going over their plans to achieve their cutie marks. Shining Armor and I waited behind, but Discord still heard everything. I have good ears.

“Hey guys!” Scootaloo greeted them. “I haven’t seen you in weeks! What’s up?”

The pair turned to her, shock clearly written in their eyes. Then Applebloom frowned. “We ain’t talkin’ to you.” Applebloom said, turning her back on Scootaloo.

Scootaloo gasped. “But… but you just talked to me right now!” She said.

“Well, we ain’t any more!” Applebloom retorted. She grabbed Sweetie Belle and pulled her so she wasn’t facing Scootaloo either.

Scootaloo’s smile wavered. Tears began to form in her eyes. “But... but why not?” She asked.

“I ain’t talkin’ to Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle!” Applebloom yelled. Sweetie Belle flinched. “But ifn I was talkin’ to her, I’d tell her how Discord turned me into a chicken! How I laid two eggs afore I was turned back to normal, and I still keep ‘em under my bed because they didn’t go away when all the other weirdness went away, an’ I’m scared stiff of them! And how mad I am that Scootaloo’s gone an’ adopted Discord! I’d tell her how I ain’t got no pa either, but I ain’t acceptin’ no adoption offers from no monsters!”

Sweetie Belle flinched. “I… I…” Sweetie Belled stammered, but didn’t say anything more than that.

Scootaloo began to tear up. “Well then… fine! Fine! I thought you two would be happy for me, but you’re just jealous!”

“Of you?” Applebloom scoffed. “Ha! I ain’t jealous one bit!”

“Well, I know when I’m not wanted!” Scootaloo yelled, and she turned tail to them. “And I’m not speaking to either of you!”

“That’s fine!” Appleboom yelled back. “Seein’ as I ain’t speakin’ to you!”

“Yes you are!” Scootaloo ran out of their clubhouse.

Shining Armor didn’t even need my magnificent ears to catch the gist of what was going on inside. “Scootaloo, what happened?” He asked with concern.

Scootaloo sniffed and cried into his shoulder. “Th-they aren’t s-speaking to m-m-m-me.” She wailed.

Discord sighed, and rolled his eyes. Filly drama. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it. The ultimate paradox. “Don’t worry.” He said, nonchalantly. “It’s like I said, friendship is the most chaotic thing ever. It endures.”

Shining Armor glared at Discord as if he told her true love didn’t exist. But she looked at him with adorable eyes,and asked: “R-really?”

“Really.” Discord nodded. “And if the don’t, I can make you some new friends.” He plucked an apple from a tree and held it out for her.

She met the apple’s eyes, curiously.

“I am an apple!” The apple beamed. “Do you vant to be my friend?”

“WAAAAAAAAH!!!” Scootaloo all but screamed, and knocked the apple out of Discord’s paw. “Get it away! Apples should not have faces!”

“Discord!” Shining Armor scolded him. Funny that he should think my name is an adequate threat.

“I’ll get rid of it.” Discord sighed, and picked up the apple. He polished it on his chest, and ate it.

“I regret nozzing!” The apple cried, as it was devoured.

“Oh quit complaining.” Discord grunted. “I’m hurting myself just to eat you, you know.”

“Discord, Scootaloo’s really upset right now, and you’re not helping!” Shining Armor scolded him.

“I’m giving fatherly advice!” Discord protested innocently. "Isn't that what fathers do? They... give advice? Of a fatherly nature?"

“You’re giving her advice of a discorded nature!” Shining Armor corrected harshly.

“Scootaloo?” A shy voice asked.

All three of them turned to the sound. Sweetie Belle was hiding behind a tree, looking nervously at Discord.

“Sweetie Belle?” Scootaloo asked.

Sweetie Belle shuffled. “Um… I can’t really talk to you right now… because Rarity and Applebloom won’t like it. But…” She coughed awkwardly. “I’m happy for you. I wish you would have told us, so we could have helped you, but I’m happy for you.”

Scootaloo smiled like a Pinkie Pie, and tackle hugged her friend. “Thanks Sweetie Belle! Cutie Mark Crusader Best Friends Forever!”

“Ah!” Discord could tell Sweetie Belle was nervous because Scootaloo’s tackle hug had brought her to where Discord could see her. “I… uh… I gotta go Scootaloo… don’t worry, Applebloom will come around… just remember… uh…” Sweetie Belle squeezed out of Scootaloo’s hug. “Family can’t be replaced, alright? Remember that. You can have plenty of parents, but…” She blushed. “Only one… Mom and Dad… Doesn’t have to be Discord… And you’ll always have at least one sister.” Sweetie Belle blushed at her admittance, and rushed back to the club house before Scootaloo could bury her in another hug.

“See?” Discord told Shining Armor. “My advice worked.”

“Your advice was worthless.” Shining Armor snorted rudely. He put a protective hoof around Scootaloo. “Scootaloo’s just lucky that she has such great friends.”

Scootaloo beamed proudly, and Discord rolled his eyes. Such gooey emotions. “Okay, who wants some lunch?” He asked. “My treat? Anypony?”

They ate lunch at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie Pie seemed fine with it, but the Cakes were shaking like a leaf. Discord didn’t even have to pay! Of course, Shining Armor paid anyway. Man, couldn’t he let Discord treat them?

They spent the afternoon exploring Discord’s ability to make inanimate objects talk. The food was generally interesting. Did you know that foods had whole religions about being eaten? There was one atheist carrot that wanted to escape, so Scootaloo had Discord turn it into a bird. But otherwise, the fruits were jovial, to the point of singing a song about being eaten!

Scootaloo was at the crossroads of horrified and entranced.

The doors were pretty boring, although one of them helped prank a pony by playing peek-a-boo with the horrified pony inside of their house, begging Discord to spare her foal. The candlestick they animated kept trying to hit on a feather duster. And a surprising number of tables followed a warrior’s creed, vowing the deaths of toes everywhere.

Unsurprisingly, Shining Armor was a stick in the mud, that kept insisting we turn everything back the way it was after we’d finished talking. And he wouldn’t even let us go near the toilets.

But the biggest surprise that day, was when a pony actually emerged from her house. This mare walked right up to Discord, although he could tell she was a little bit nervous.

“Can I help you?” He asked.

She shuffled anxiously, before gathering up her courage. “I wanted to thank you.” She said.

Discord stared at her.

Shining Armor’s jaw hit the floor.

Scootaloo beamed.

She took another deep breath. “A lot of the ponies in this town are afraid of you.” She said. “Myself included. But… you saved Scootaloo. I didn’t even know anything was wrong… I should have… I would have done something if only I’d known. But I didn’t. You did. So… thank you. Thank you for helping her.”

Discord waved his hand dismissively. “Well, it was nothing really.” He admitted.

Then, to his surprise, the pony jumped up, grabbed one of his horns in her teeth, and pulled him down the ground. With a yelp, Discord found himself eye level to the mare.

“And if you hurt her…” She hissed. “I will personally cover you with gems and dangle you in front of a dragon’s cave. I have diagrams of a dragon’s digestive system. It’s even uglier then you.” And with that, the pony released Discord, and trotted back into her house.

Shining Armor continued to stare at the mare. “I am almost tempted to let you run amok just to see you get fed to a dragon.” He admitted.

Scootaloo was bouncing up and down between them. “That was my teacher!” She said. “Her name’s Cheerilee! Isn’t she great?”

Discord rubbed his aching horn. “Who was she calling ugly?” He asked, sticking his tongue out at her.

“Hey!” Scootaloo jumped even higher. “Hey! She’s purple, and her cutie mark is sort of yellow polka dots. And she’s pretty funny too! She can be your friend.”

“I don’t think that mare will ever be friends with Discord.” Shining Armor said.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be friends with her.” Discord sniffed.

We retreated home for the day after that. Dinner was gumbo. Discord always liked a good gumbo. And he didn’t even have to chew it, which was a plus. Then the royal pains left for their ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ party, casting a force field around the House. Not that it would have done any good, if it was in Scootaloo’s best interests that I leave.

I didn’t have any problems tucking her into bed that night. And as I sprawled across the chandelier to go to sleep, I realized with a whimper that tomorrow Scootaloo would have to go to school.

Day 3: The Welcome Wagon

Discord woke up the next morning to a strange rumbling in his stomach. Not in his stomach per se, but somewhat lower. It was a painful sort of rumbling.

Discord gasped in pain, and tumbled off of the chandelier. Deciding in an instant what his next course of action would be, He crawled his way to the loverbird’s bedroom, instinctively knowing where in the house they were because even in mortal agony he was awesome like that.

Making his way to the foot of their bed, he did his best to put on a face that was not a grimace, and snaked his way above the bed, not even touching his sheets. He was directly above the princess, and about to scream in her ear, where a strong hoof grabbed him around the neck, choking him.

Discord’s eyes met Shining Armor’s, and he tried to grin disarmingly.

It didn’t work.

It usually does work though.

On the ladies.

Shining Armor isn’t a lady, obviously.

Maybe in another dimension where he is a lady…

Anyway, Discord was quickly booted out of the room, and Armor shut the door behind him. “What did you think you were doing?” He asked, menacingly.

“I was going to force her to listen to my dying screams.” Discord groaned. “Your girlfriend poisoned me!”

Shining Armor had the audacity to scoff at his pain! “She wouldn’t do that. I would’ve, if I knew a bit more about poisons.”

“Laugh all you want, I’m dying here!” Discord moaned.

Shining Armor seemed to be struck by a thought. “Discord… you had trouble eating yesterday.”

“Oh cruel fate!” Discord moaned. “Why did Celestia send her most scornful murderers to kill me? Why couldn’t she send somepony who would kill me without the mockery?”

“Oh stop it.” Shining Armor kicked him in the side. “Discord, after everything you ate yesterday, you didn’t go to the bathroom once. Do you think that might be the problem here?”

Discord moaned. “No, I’ve been poisoned. Toilets are for normal ponies. I’ve never had to –” He froze, suddenly remembering that he could no longer cast magic for himself. “Oh, horse apples.”

“Exactly.” Shining Armor nodded. “It’s a natural consequence of eating.”

“I hate consequences.” Discord moaned. “They’re so… consequential.”

And thus, Shining Armor did potty train Discord.

And there was no rejoicing.

It was the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. Ever. Nothing else came close. Whenever I’m humiliated next, I can always look back and say, ‘at least Shining Armor isn’t standing outside the door telling me to relax’.

By the time I got out of the porcelain prison, Scootaloo was already up. Princess Cadence was still sleeping. According to Shining Armor, she’d had a little bit more of Pinkie Pie’s special sauce at last night’s party then was necessary. I reminded myself to thank that mare at tonight’s party.

“Good morning dad.” She said. Beaming on about the fact that she actually had a dad to call dad.

“Good morning kiddo.” I plopped myself on the table.

“Mornin’, all.” House said.

Shining Armor coughed pointedly at Discord, and pointed to the empty table. With a sigh, Discord gestured to the table. “I’ve already prepared food.” He said.

Shining Armor and Scootaloo looked at the table. Scootaloo waved her hoof in front of her and found my invisible treat. “Yay! I found it!” She buried her face in edible air.

Shining Armor hesitantly took a bite out of the air, and made a face. I guess he found the apple I’d made from the air I found in the bathroom that morning. Serves him right.

At the end of her breakfast, Scootaloo looked up. “Hey House?” She asked.

“Yus miss?”

“I woke up in the basement again.” She said. “I thought you were gonna make sure my room was always at the top of the house?”

“Yus miss.” House shook, as if he were nodding. “You wuz in the tower miss. But I flipped up’n’over in de night.”

Scootaloo sighed. “Could you try not to flip upside down again then?”

House pondered this. “Can try miss.”

“Okay.” Scootaloo sighed, and grabbed her backpack. She looked around, as if she were waiting for Princess Cadence to pop out of nowhere and stuff her face again, but the pink menace was nowhere to be seen.

I deigned to follow her out of the door. Like House said, he’d become a magnificent upside-down castle overnight, so they needed my help getting out of the front door. I kicked out the red carpet and if fell upside-down on a stairway made of air.
Where they met with an even stranger sight.

A grey Pegasus with a blonde mane was wrestling the alfalfa pony to the ground.

I knew it would become a running gag.

“Hey Derpy!” Scootaloo greeted her, as she bounced down the carpet. “Whatchya doin’?”

One of Derpy’s eyes rolled towards Scootaloo, while the other remained fixed on the alfalfa. Discord immediately tried to replicate the trick.

“I’m trying to get the mail into the mailbox.” Derpy explained.

“I told you, I’m not a mailbox!” The alfalfa cried. It pointed at a giant spider on a barber pole. “That’s the mailbox!”

Derpy looked at the spider, who hissed at her, then back the alfalfa. “Are you sure you aren’t the mailbox?” She asked. “You seem so much easier to put mail into.”

“I’ll take that mail.” Shining Armor hurried forward. “I apologize for the behavior of our mailbox. House?”

“Sorry Sir.” House mumbled.

“See to it that the mailbox doesn’t attack this mare, alright?”

House shook. “Not sure I can sir. But I try sir.”

“I’m sure you will.” Shining Armor nodded understandingly. “Er… House, do houses eat?”

“…Not sure sir.” House said, in a confused tone.

“Well ask Princess Cadence to see if she can whip you up something.” Shining Armor said in a smugly satisfied tone.

Discord immediately grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Have you lost your little pony mind!?” He asked.

Shining Armor glared at him. “If House can eat, then he probably should.”

Discord pressed his face against Armor’s, looking him straight in the eye. “But if I can’t escape from the consequences of food, how do you think he’ll fare!? Can you imagine a pooping house? Can you!? You’re not getting me to clean up after it!”
Scootaloo giggled. The poor thing was too young to understand what she was dealing with.

“Well I have to clean up after your messes.” Shining Armor glared. “You’re lucky Princess Cadence doesn’t think spontaneously creating life is grounds for being a bad father. If you count the alfalfa thing, Scootaloo technically has two siblings!”

Scootaloo gasped and her eyes sparkled.

“Oh, now you’ve done it.” Discord said, putting Shining Armor down.

“OhCelestiathisissocoolHouseyou’remybabybrother!” Scootaloo squealed with delight.

“I am?” House pondered this. “Yay.” He said tonelessly.

Scootaloo took another deep breath and began to talk at a speed that would make RainbowDash jealous. I’ve never understood how she does that.

“Ohthisisgoingtobesomuchfun,we’llbejustlikeTwilightandSpikeandwe’lldoeverythingtogetherexceptyoucan’tmovebutifyoueverdolearntowalkoneofthesedayswe’lltotallydoallsortsofbrotherandsisterstuff!”

“Yus Miss.” House said. It smiled, but it was upside down so it looked like a frown.

“Don’t call me miss silly!” Scootaloo giggled. “Call me Scoots!”

“… Yus Scoots.”

The filly squealed. “This is awesome! It’s like an actual family! Hey Alfalfa mare…” She spun around in place but the alfalfa mare was gone.

“Don’t worry Scootaloo, we’ll find her.” Shining Armor patted her on the shoulder comfortingly.

“If the rabbits don’t first.” Discord muttered.

Thankfully, Scootaloo didn’t hear, so Shining Armor didn’t have to glare at him tediously.

Had life really become so predictable?

Well, we met more opposition on the way into town this morning. Which is to say that, instead of running into their houses when they saw me, most ponies just stared, and collapsed stiffly when I got in their faces and said ‘boo’.

A lot of them were even wearing those ridiculous hazmat suits.

“Why is the sky all one color?” Discord asked, still trying to replicate what the mailmare did with her eyes. “It’s beginning to get on my nerves.”

“I think it’s all the same color specifically to annoy you.” Shining Armor said, with the most annoying smirk I have ever seen on anypony.

Scootaloo’s scooting slowed, then stopped altogether when they reached the schoolhouse. “Do I have to go to school today?” She asked.

“No.” I said.

“Yes.” Shining Armor said. “Why don’t you want to go to school?”

“I’m worried about what the other ponies might think of me.” Scootaloo admitted. “I mean… if Applebloom doesn’t like me any more…”

“Is that all?” Discord shrugged. “Young lady, take it from me. Other ponies opinions are nothing to worry about.”

“Really?” She asked, looking up at him with bright, hopeful eyes.

“Of course.” Discord smiled. “I used to be a king, remember? Sometimes the ponies loved me, other times all they could do was whine about how they’re suddenly less than an inch tall. Pony’s opinions change with the times, and the only thing you can do about it is dominate them until their mouths stop making those whiny noises.”

Discord thought the advice was rather fatherly. However, Scootaloo’s face fell. Shining Armor glared at Discord, and gave Scootaloo and encouraging pat on the back. “I’m sure you’ll do fine. It may take some time for your classmates to get used to having a celebrity in their class, but just be yourself and pretty soon they’ll go back to thinking of you as just another pony.”

“Ugh.” Discrod grunted. “You say ‘just another pony’ as if it were a good thing.”

Scootaloo beamed. “Yeah, you’re right!”

Shining Armor turned his gaze from where he was glaring at Discord back to Scootaloo. “Of course I –”

“Both of you are.” Scootaloo began to strut in place. “I’m a celebrity now. I’ve just got to show my peeps that they can still be chill with me.”

I think Shining Armor’s heart might have stopped then.

I took advantage of his cardiac arrest to lean forward and pat Scootaloo on the back. “Have a fun day kiddo.” I said. She nodded and flittered into the schoolhouse.

Shining Armor recovered and glared at me.

I, meanwhile, had got my eyes to the point where they were similar to the mailmare’s.

“Hey, Armor, check it out.” I gestured proudly to my eyes as one traced a bumblebee’s path through the sky, and the other looked into both of his eyes.

He was still glaring.

“You try it.” I prompted.

Still glaring.

“No no no, that’s not how you do it at all.” I sighed. “You’re hopeless Shining Armor. Hopeless.”

Still glaring.

“What, is there something on my incredibulous eyes? You know, if you keep making that face, it’ll stick like that.”

Shining Armor sighed and shook his head. “Discord, could you try to be more interested in Scootaloo than in Derpy’s face? Or maybe even just pretend?”

Discord shrugged, and stopped making the eyes. “You know, I think you’re jealous of my newfound eyeball prowess. I thought I was being very fatherly to Scootaloo.”

“Well you’re wrong on both counts.” Shining Armor said, shaking his head. “Come on, let’s get back to House. I have some paperwork to catch up on, and then we have to draft a strategy for catching the alfalfa mare and adopting her… it? And then we have to –”

“I’m bored already.” Discord growled at Shining Armor. I mean, was the unicorn trying to bore him to death? “Come on, let’s go do something fun. Oh, I know! We could go down to Sweet Apple Acres with a few cans of paint. Then on one side of the barn, we could paint a big old pair of doors leading into the barn, and then on the other side we could paint –”

“No.” Shining Armor said firmly, putting his hoof down. “I know you’re evil Discord, but Celestia ordered me to reform you and so help me I will do my best. You are going to be a responsible adult, starting with paperwork!”

Discord sighed. “Fine, I’ll shred up all of your precious paperwork.” I conceded. “But I’ll do that later. For now, fun times!”

“Wait, what –” I never did find out what he wanted to say, because I’d already picked him up and jumped into the air. He gave a panicked scream before we were even a foot off the ground. How odd. You’d think the Captain of the Royal Guards would be a bit less scared of heights.

I never got to find out how he reacted to being carried more than two feet however. Because just then I remembered I couldn't fly.

And also because a frying pan hit my face.

I crumpled to the ground. Not out of pain mind you, but of shock! Discord feels no pain! Wait… I mean Discord feels no shock, it was the pain that brought me down. Which is to say… it only looked like the pan hit me in the face, but I stopped it, and then ducked before somebody broke their kitchenware on my magnificence. Not that I was being nice! Just… being cool. Smooth.

The pair of us looked up (my smoothness had the side effect of dropping three hundred pounds of draconequi on Shining Armor) at the mare who threw the frying pan. She was a green earth pony with frayed white hair, done up in a boring old bun. She was in a cart full of kitchen utensils, some sharp, some heavy, and some that really didn’t look like they could hurt me at all, but I didn’t want to find out how she planned on using the whisk. (Well, I admit I was curious, but not with me as the demonstration.)

She was surrounded by a hoard (Herd? Pack? Pod? Murder? Flock? Pride? Town? Gesundheit?) of ponies, who were all either carrying torches, or carrying pitchforks.

“Oh look, it’s a mob.” Discord grinned. “Mobs are always fun.”

“Where did they get so many pitchforks?” Shining Armor wondered curiously.

“Discord!” The old earth pony called. “Yer reign o’ terror is at an end!”

The ponies behind them cheered their assent, as the two of us stood up. “Hmmm…” Discord wondered. “Let’s see… this is a new mob so I should probably start out slow… should we play ‘Chaos Piñata’? Or how about, ‘Lose Them In The Impossible Maze’? Or maybe we could play ‘Pitchfork Pinball’…”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Discord, I know you’re somewhat new to consequences.” Shining Armor said. “But when pointy things hit your body it hurts. A lot.”

Discord looked at him aghast. “You’re kidding!?” He asked, somewhat hopefully.

“Imagine what happens when you chew, only three times, and then into your vital organs instead of your lower lip.” Shining Armor explained.

That sounded like a lot of pain, even if I wasn’t sure what he meant by ‘vital organs’.

“Charge!” The big red stallion pulled the cart forward, and the mob surged ahead. They were stopped by a force field (colored a rather effeminate shade of pink).

“Alright everypony, listen.” Shining Armor began. “I know that Discord here is responsible for a lot of damage here in Ponyville, but I want to assure you all –”

Discord picked him up by the shoulders and shook him. “Are you mad!?” He roared.

“What?” Armor asked, confused.

“Look,” The Draconequis sighed and set the pony down. “I understand you’re new to the whole ‘angry mob’ thing. Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I have lots of experience. But rule number one: Don’t ever try to talk things out rationally. It will only make things better.”

“…What.” Poor Shining Armor asked, obviously too dim-witted to comprehend the situation he was in.

“This is how you deal with an angry mob.” Discord explained. “He swatted Shining Armor’s horn, making him drop the force field. “Ruuuuuunnnnn!!!” Discord grabbed his hoof and ran, letting the Captain of the Royal Guard be pulled along like a tail.

“WHAT!?” Shining Armor almost broke down crying as the citizens of Ponyville surged forward again.

“Cue chase scene music!” Discord laughed. And surprisingly enough, some old geezer sitting on his porch snorted awake, and began playing a record on the phonograph he had nearby.

Shining Armor was yelling something, I really couldn’t make it out in the excitement.

Goodness, I hadn’t had such a mob chasing me since the times of old! There must have been at least ten dozen ponies after me! Back and forth we went. I had no clue how Ponyville was laid out, but when it’s the master of disorder against a disorganized mob, having no clue where you were is actually a nigh irreplaceable advantage.

As is the way of these things, Discord eventually escaped by diving into a cart of apples in the market.

Discord and Shining Armor hit the bottom of the tunnel with a dull thud. “… What?” Shining Armor asked, unable to comprehend how he ended up in the bottome of a tunnel when he and Discord had just been diving into an apple cart.

“Shush.” Discord scolded him, biting back his irritation at having landed on his head and having felt it. He slithered back to the top of the tunnel and listened intently.

“Where’d he go?” A pony cried.

“I saw him go that way!” A pony lied.

“He can’t have gone far!” A pony tried.

“Get yer hay dogs!” A pony fried.

Discord slithered back down the tunnel. “I think we lost ‘em.” He chuckled.

Shining Armor was investigating the tunnels intently. “Where… did these tunnels come from?” He asked.

Discord poked his head down the tunnel. “Ants?”

“This is a little big for ants.” Shining Armor grunted.

“I dunno, I’ve seen some pretty big ants in my day.” Discord said, exploring the tunnels further. He popped his head out from underneath a bush, and upon observing the angry mob pass by again, he ducked his head back down. “These tunnels must go under the entire town. How interestiiiiing.” He cackled under his breath.

Shining Armor looked around. “These tunnels must go under the entire town.” He noted, in his usual slow-on-the-uptake way. “It might be part of another invasion force… maybe a Changeling hive… or worse.”

“What could be worse than a hive of changelings?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“Oh, all sorts of things.” Discord said, beginning to rattle off a list. “A hive of pony-eating Tiger-Worms, the Windigo King, a coven of pine trees, an Oxford professor, and those are just the sort of things that actually exist…”

“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!” Shining Armor stopped yelled. “Wait. Pinkie Pie. Where did you come from?” He asked.

“Two trees left of Town Hall.” Said Pinkie Pie. And that is why she is my favorite pony.

“No, I mean…” Shining Armor struggled to form a question in the face of insanity. “How did you know about these tunnels?”

“Oh, you mean the secret tunnels that I dug all around Ponyville using my background as a rock farmer? My psychiatrist recommended it.” Pinkie Pie said, with only the slightest giggle to go on as to whether she was lying or not. “Say, how did you two find out about my secret tunnels?” She asked.

Seeing that Shining Armor was about to wilt under the scrutiny, Discord stepped in. “We don’t know a thing about your tunnels.” He explained. “This is all just a dream.”

“Oh!” Pinkie Pie nodded in understanding. “I guess I’d better head back to the spa and wake up then!” And she hopped away down into the tunnels.

“That should not have worked.” Shining Armor shook his head. “Let’s just go home before we’re mobbed again.”

It took them forty tries navigating the maze of tunnels before the pair of them found the right one. Princess Cadence was up, and (gracefully) preparing them lunch by the time they got home. She was rushing about the kitchen with a mint green unicorn, passing foodstuffs back and forth. “I’m glad you er… stallions finally decided to show up.” She said, when she noticed we were there. She probably hesitated in the middle there because I don’t quite fit the ‘stallion’ portion of her greeting.

“Maybe we would come here for lunch more often if your food was fit for a king’s constitution.” Discord held his nose in the air.

Princess Cadence raised an eyebrow (a delicate one) at Shining Armor.

“He’s unused to food that doesn’t come out the other end.” Shining Armor said, not even bothering to hide his impertinent snicker.

Princess Cadence’s eyes softened, as if suddenly Discord was some pony to be pitied instead of a monster. “Oh you poor thing…” She said. Discord had grown tired of the condescension the first day, but now his attitude was buried in the sandpony’s dust and snoring like a log.

Thankfully, her condescending condescension was cut short by a snort of laughter from the unicorn. “Oh my Celestia, you mean he isn’t even house trained?” She chortled.

Discord glared at her. “My house is very trained.” Said he. “Observe.” He dug his toe-claws into the floor and cried; “House! Roll over!”

“Yus sir.” House said. Princess Cadence had just enough time to take to the air before house rolled over. Shining Armor and the other unicorn both raced along the walls, trying to keep upright.

As the house rolled to a stop, the green unicorn grinned. “That was awesome!” She cheered. “I want a house like this!”

I raised an eyebrow. “Well well Princess, who is this most entertaining guest?”

The princess put her (carefully manicured) hoof around the unicorn. “This is my good friend Lyra Heartstrings. She’s one of the S-class Royal Guards posted in Ponyville.”

“That means Special class, and not Special Ed either!” Lyra boasted, puffing up her chest with pride. “If you go rogue, me and my team are gonna kick your flank seven ways to next week!”

“Oh, how precious.” Discord patted her on the head. “The widdle one finks she’s special so she wants to fight da evil monsta.”

Lyra rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah? I heard Shining Armor gave you a run for your money the last time you broke out of prison, and he was only S-class then.”

Discord’s eyes widened, and rounded on Shining Armor. “You told them?” He asked.

Shining Armor shrugged. “No. But I did put a copy of the post-battle report in the training manual, so others could learn from it.” He said, as if ruining the reputation of Equestria’s greatest villain was just something that he did on a regular basis.

Lyra snorted. “Did he really take you by the neck and shove–”

“Oh look food!” Discord cried out, changing the subject.

He reached for a powdered fruit, but Cadence batted his paw away with a wooden spoon. “Oh no you don’t. This food is for House.”

“You’re not trying to feed it are you?” Discord asked. “It might poop.”

Lyra’s eyes widened. “I hadn’t thought of that.” She said, turning to Cadence. “Are we sure this is a good idea?”

Cadence nodded (like a butterfly). “If House can eat, he should eat.” She said. She levitated a pair of hay sandwiches out of a picnic basket. “Here are your lunches. I’m sorry, it was going to be a picnic. I didn’t think finding out what House eats would take so long.”

“I’d rather have what House is eating.” Discord said, pointing. “You can’t trick me with your talk of ‘consequences’. I know you’re poisoning the food slowly to kill me off without suspicion.”

Shining Armor smiled mockingly. Again. Lyra tried to stifle her giggle. Princess Cadence just smiled, so sweetly that sugar spontaneously appeared over the bowl of fruit. Or maybe that was just her magic. “Last night, I went out of town to find somepony you hadn’t given an unhealthy attraction towards a large rock to, and I got her to make this.” She held up the package the cross-eyed mailpony had delivered that morning. Discord took it, unwrapped it, and stared at it.

“It was a custom order.” Princess Cadence said helpfully, as Discord stared at the thing inside the box.

It was some sort of sheath for a sword, encrusted with light traces of rubies and gilded with gold, the same shades of my eyes. I wasn’t sure what the body was made of, only it felt like leather, and tasted like sugar.

“What is it?” Discord asked.

“It’s a tooth sheath.” Princess Cadence explained. “You strap it to your mouth, and it makes sure you don’t kill yourself every time you chew.”

Discord, confused, took the sheath out of the package and tried it on. He got the straps right on his second try, and then looked in his reflection in the sink’s water.

“It looks like my mouth has an eye patch.” He noted.

“Here, chew this.” Princess Cadence (majestically) tossed him a sugar-coated apple. Discord took a few experimental bites, and smiled.

“I approve.” He said. “But I’m not wearing it because it’ll help me eat your devil food, I’m wearing it because it makes my smile look like a pirate.”

“A dashing roguish pirate.” Lyra complimented.

Shining Armor stared at her. “Where did that come from?”

“What, you didn’t notice?” Lyra shrugged. “Ah, I guess you wouldn’t with Cadence right here. Just take my word for it, it’s a very dashing and roguish smile.”

I told you it worked on the ladies.

“You’re flirting with the enemy!” Shining Armor accused Lyra.

She shrugged. “Well, yeah.” She said. “How many times do I get to flirt with an immortal? I mean, there’s Luna, but she’s too… old fashioned for my type of flirtation. Then there’s Cadence, but she already turned me down for you. Then there’s Celestia, but you just keep insisting that we maintain a professional attitude towards our boss even though I know she doesn’t mind…”

Princess Cadence had that smile in her eyes that she had when Pinkie Pie started chasing Twilight.

“But Discord’s public enemy number one!” Shining Armor whined.

“So?” Lyra shrugged. “As I recall, we had a full alert going for Chrysalis, and you still flirted with her.”

…

Oh. Snap.

Lyra became my new favorite pony on principle.

I thought Shining Armor’s glare was becoming permanent, but it turned out he had an even deeper level of glare stored up for when ponies really ticked him off. “S-class Elite Royal Guardspony 2nd Rank Lyra Heartstrings 03891 Ponyville Unit.” He growled, his lack of machismo apparently forcing him to revert to a mother’s habit of calling a pony by their full title. “We will discuss this later. I believe you have a report to file on the ongoing hunt for the Hydra.”

Lyra chuckled nervously and backed away from Shining Armor, as he glared at her with the power of a thousand dragons. She looked to Cadence for some support, but even her (sugary) smile had quickly turned into a (beautiful) frown. “Alright. Okay, yeah, I do have a report to file.”

She trotted out the door. “Oh, Minuette and Twinkleshine send their regard.” Lyra called over her shoulder at Cadence. “They would’ve been here in person but, you know, they’re still in the hospital. Not that what you did wasn’t cool, we all would’ve done the same. But I feel sorry they had to fight me for the bouquet.”

“Come again!” I called after her, and she turned briefly to give me a wink.

Cadence shook her (glorious) head. “She means well… usually.” She turned back to House with a smile. “Okay House, where’d your mouth go?”

We used the rest of the day to try and figure out what House ate. After a long and frustrating search, involving many explosions and the odd barrel of toxic waste, we figured it out.

Ponies. Houses eat ponies.

As it turns out, a pony’s mere presence provides essential nutrients to a house, allowing it to grow a personality. Of course, like other foods, if a pony is left inside a house for too long, the house begins to grow stale and sick, so it expels the pony whose nutrients have gone.

That’s right, ponies are not just house food, they are house poop.

Including me.

Smile all you want, but you’re house poop too.

Anyway, thankfully Cadence’s special talent encompasses all things romantic, and thus she is a master chef (having won three major cooking titles, among various other awards for her gourmet food of romance). It is thanks to this special talent we finished our strange and exciting chore just before we had to leave and pick up Scootaloo from school.

But first, I made Shining Armor stop and by me ice cream.

Not to eat though. I just wanted a hat to go with my tooth sheath.

“You’re hopeless.” Shining Armor said, as I adjusted my cone to achieve the maximum amount of debonairness one could have sitting on an old park bench with Neapolitan dripping down one’s face.

“But you’re so in love with the Princess’ rules you’ll try and help me reform anyways.” Discord said with a smile. “Even if you have to buy me every ice cream cone in Ponyville. You know, if you did, I might just reform…” His eyes sparkled, and he turned to Shining Armor with all the power of a six year old who just figured out what to do in the next five seconds.

“No.” Shining Armor said firmly.

“But I didn’t even ask my question.” Discord pouted.

The pout usually works.

On the ladies.

I think Shining Armor is spending too much time with Cadence. He wouldn’t know a good pout if it fell on his head with an anvil, a piano, a safe, and three comical sound effects. Sadly, even after thinking such a fate-tempting thought, no miraculous piano/anvil/safe combo dropped out of the sky on him.

“Here they come.” Shining Armor muttered.

Discord looked down from his ice cream cone, and saw, to his surprise, that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were walking together. AppleBloom was following at a very wary distance, no doubt still nervous about Discord.

Shining Armor gasped, and gritted his teeth with a righteous fury. Discord raised an eyebrow at him and the pony scoffed.

“Scootaloo’s right eye.” He pointed out.

Discord was surprised, and that didn’t happen often.

Scootaloo had a black eye.

Shining Armor was already on his feet and racing towards them. “What happened?” He asked, as he stopped in front of them.

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon cornered Scootaloo at recess.” Sweetie Belle explained. “They’ve always been bullyin’ us. Our parents said to not get into fights, and Cheerilee just talks to them, which doesn’t make them stop at all. But this time…” Sweetie Belle gulped. “They started picking on her right in front of everypony. And nopony even stood up for her. They all treated her like they didn’t know her any more…”

“They didn’t.” AppleBloom said harshly, not looking at the group. “Nopony knows her. She ain’t told anypony about her parents, until one day when she shows up with pure evil as a pa. If it weren’t for you, none a this would’a happened!” She screamed at Discord. She blushed and growled furiously. “It was mighty mean what Tiara did though…”

“Don’t blame me.” Discord muttered. “I didn’t know she’d be bullied. And I would do something about it, but Mr. Shining Armor here wants to send me back to –”

“Do it.” Shining Armor said, interrupting Discord’s monologue.

“What was that?” Discord asked incredulously.

“Do it.” Shining Armor said. “I have no patience for bullies. As far as I’m concerned, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are free game for you. So long as Scootaloo approves, just try and keep your chaos toned down to a level suitable for foals.”

Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “But her dad’s the richest pony in Ponyville!” She said.

“Not anymore.” Shining Armor said, puffing himself up like some great hero. “I’m Prince Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guards, and if her father thinks he can let his daughter push you around just because he’s the second richest stallion in Ponyville, then he can talk to me about it. Now you do what you’ve got to do Discord.”

I gave him a jaunty wink, and took to the skies. Oh, I hadn’t felt this free in ages! Shining Armor had actually given me permission to go full throttle! Almost full throttle! It didn’t matter, it was freedom!

But alas, I couldn’t take him up on his offer.

No, Discord would never actually do what any pony commanded him to do. That would be preposterous! He really didn’t like those two fillies. He hadn’t even met them and he didn’t like them. Not that he disapproved of bullies, oh no. He was all for the strong picking on the defenceless. One of his favorite past-times was tormenting foals. But he only minded bullies if they didn’t do things like terrify their victims, if they were actually tougher, or smarter, or what have you. Diamond Tiara, no matter how rich her dad was, wasn’t rich herself. And she probably didn’t even have a villain song.

And didn’t she know Scootaloo was Discord’s daughter? Not that he would admit to having any feelings for the filly, but she belonged to him. And Diamond Tiara knew that – she was using it to mock her without consequence! An attack on Scootaloo was an attack on Discord.

But he wouldn’t be using magic on the fillies. Discord may have been an unparalleled magician, but sometimes he just liked to play games. That besides, he knew from experience that most foals were too simple to be bothered by things like being transformed against their will. Simply talking to them would be much crueler. And this would be a great chance to sow some chaos in the fields.

Ponies don’t panic when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If Discord announced that he’d ravage the land for three months, making it impossible for them to grow any food at all for a further three months, then they’d start singing songs about winter. If Discord taught the bullies a valuable lesson in not picking on smaller ponies by shrinking them, then he’d be hailed as a hero.

So no, while Discord would have liked to stuff an apple in the filly’s mouths, and serve them to the princess on a platter, he’d go for the less predictable route. There was unusual punishment, and there was cruel punishment, and only one of them meant precious disharmony.

He spotted the two fillies and dove. At breakneck speeds he caught them, and flew with them into the bushes behind the schools. They screamed of course, but Discord happily tuned them out until he was far enough away in the bushes where nopony would hear them.

“Hello.” He smiled at them.

“Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!” Said each of his teeth, beaming at the fillies with pirate-y faces.

It was in Scootaloo’s best interests to shake them up a little.

The fillies screamed again, and Discord quickly covered their mouths. “Yes, thank you, I’m scary, can we go past the point where you two scream?”

The fillies still tried to scream, and Discord was starting to get annoyed. So, he snapped his fingers and the two of them suddenly accelerated. The moved faster and faster, their screaming reaching a pitch that Discord couldn’t hear, thankfully, though some dogs in the neighborhood might complain. Eventually they began to get tired, and stop screaming, and then Discord let them resume normal speed.

“Are you done?” He asked politely.

“What… do you want…” Diamond Tiara croaked through her sore throat.

“I just want to chat.” Discord said. “Now, let me see. Diamond Tiara… your cutie mark means you have a head for business and leadership, am I right?”

Diamond Tiara beamed, and nodded. Even in the grasp of a sinister monster, ponies still enjoyed being complimented on their cutie marks.

“And you, Silver Spoon… your special talent is bowing down to other pony’s superior mind powers?”

“Yeah…” Silver Spoon beamed. Then she frowned. “Wait… no?”

“Whatever.” Discord shrugged, and turned back to Diamond Tiara. “Now, I have a business proposition for you Ms. Tiara.”
Tiara smiled and sat up straight. “Go on.” She said, primly.

“You see, I have a daughter, Scootaloo.” Discord explained. “Being quite literally the only pony capable of accessing the magic of the most powerful being in Equestria, she has a pretty good life ahead of her. And I think it would be in her… best interests to remain ignorant of how good she has it. So she doesn’t end up like the pair of sniveling spoiled sycophants you two are.”

Diamond Tiara gasped, like Discord had slapped her. But he wasn’t done yet.

“So, in her… best interests, I would like to offer you bits in exchange for your services.” Technically, he did (at this moment) believe it was in her best interests. “In short, I will pay you to continue bullying my daughter, in increasingly agitating yet also discreet ways.”

This wasn’t what Diamond Tiara had been expecting. “You… want to pay us to bully her?” She asked to make sure.

Discord nodded. “Do you prefer payment in bits, or long lost treasures only I know the location of?” He asked.

Diamond Tiara smiled. “You want to pay us… to bully her.” She repeated.

“If you’re good at something, why do it for free?” Discord asked with a laugh.

Diamond tiara laughed. “Let me just get this straight.” She giggled. “You want to pay us… to bully Scootaloo.”

“Brilliant observation.” Discord mock clapped. “Surely being a master detective is just one of your many talents.”

“What about me?” Silver Spoon asked.

“We’re busy talking about important things right now.” Discord haughtily waved her away.

She frowned, obviously not understanding my nuances. “But… what about me?” She asked again.

“Quiet Silver Spoon, I’m in the middle of a business deal.” Diamond Tiara rubbed her hooves together eagerly. “I’m going to want this in writing. None of your magic writing either.”

“Of course.” Discord reached off to the side, elongating his arm. It felt good to shapeshift again. Pulling a non-magicked piece of paper and quill into the bushes from some unsuspecting sap (he secretly hoped it was Twilight Sparkle) he handed it to Diamond Tiara who began to draw up a contract. In about a minute, she was done, and she handed it to Discord.

He examined it closely. “Let’s see… you want me to pay you in standard Equestrian bits… C.E.O. level wages… paid vacations… union dues? Well, alright I suppose. Further Expenses covered by magic… In the event that you get caught, I make it so you don’t get in trouble… Ah, well, no, I’m not going to give you license to use my image for advertising, but other than that, everything looks in order.”

Diamond Tiara made the necessary adjustments and the three of them signed the papers.

Ugh. I hate beurocracy.

But it serves its purpose.

“Now, as for the matter of payment.” I said, rubbing my hands eagerly. This was the good bit.

“We already specified that.” Diamond Tiara noted. “C.E.O. level wages in standard Equestrian bits.”

“Oh of course, of course.” I said with a smile. “But you see, even C.E.O.s get paid in proportion to the quality of their product. I’ll be paying you depending on how you bully Scootaloo.”

Diamond Tiara was starting to get nervous. You could see it in her eyes. “And… how would that…”

“I made a chart to demonstrate.” I said, pulling out a chart and an easel from behind Silver Spoon’s ear to help her. Unfortunately, she had a cutie mark for bossing ponies around, not making money like her father. If she did, then her mind would have exploded. The chart was a detailed list of exactly how much money she would get for performing whichever services. Exactly whichever services. For instance, punching her on 2:30 of a Friday, was more expensive then punching her on 2:31 on a Friday, pushing her would usually be paid higher than actually punching her, Etc. There were ven diagrams, there were multiplying factors, there were loopholes (in fact, the whole thing was made of holes that looped). There were lists of exactly how much would be subtracted, multiplied, or added onto the pay for mitigating factors, such as multiplying a quarter of the reward by 13 if they got Cheerilee to participate in the bullying, or subtracting an amount worth the sum total of all of the ladybugs in the field north of Ponyville if they bullied with less than three witnesses. And of course, the whole chart, or sometimes just sections, would change at irregular intervals. It was a thing of beauty.

Diamond Tiara stared at the chart, a look of pure terror in her face. “What… what language is it written in?”

“Oh this? It’s Equestrian.” I explained with a shrug. “Please tell me your teacher taught you how to read.”

“That’s no Equestrian I’ve ever seen.” Diamond Tiara shivered.

“Hmmm?” I looked at the chart, and then at the contract she’d written up. I hadn’t really been reading the letters. Letters are just lines and scribbles on a page after all. I’d been reading the pattern of intent behind the letters. The pattern that makes ponies see a series of scribbles and think they mean something. But now that I looked at the actual letters, they did look different.

“Huh. What do you know?” I shrugged. “I guess the Equestrian language has changed somewhat over a thousand years of being a statue.”

Diamond Tiara giggled nervously. “Well, the chart’s probably simple enough once you change it to modern equestrian.”

“Oh, I’m not going to change it.” I explained. “And this isn’t the chart. This is just section A1 of the chart.”

And then I unfolded the chart on the easel.

Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened in fear. No, not fear. The dawning comprehension that they are inevitably, irrevocably, increasingly, really really really doomed. It’s an odd emotion that, and ponies cannot seem to express the emotion without gratuitous swearing. But Draconequi language has a name for that emotion.

Nnug.

Catchy, isn’t it?

“Nnug?” Diamond Tiara asked, whatever she wanted to say drowned out by fear and warped into a word that, coincidentally, sounded like the draconequi word for that moment of comprehension.

“As you can see, the two of you are already 20 bits in debt to me for standing her right now instead of bullying Scootaloo.” I noted, tapping the proper section of the giant chart. I smiled my best deranged smile as the pair of fillies gasped in horror.

They’d finally figured it out. I took what Diamond Tiara loved doing the most… and I gave her an impossible schedule for it.

After all, they say misery loves company.

Diamond Tiara shook her head clear. “No… no way. This is impossible!” She screamed.

“Yes, I suppose it is.” I shrugged nonchalantly, and folded the chart up again, handing it to her. “Good luck with that then.”

I prepared to leave, but Diamond Tiara grabbed me by the tail. “Wait!” She cried. “I can’t do this! You can’t make me do this! I’m backing out of the deal!”

“Backing out?” I asked. “Oh Diamond Tiara… what in Equestria gave you the idea that you could back out?”

I whipped my tail, and launched her into Silver Spoon, crashing the two of them into a tree. Then I began to laugh. It was a grand laugh – the best laugh. Back in my day, nobody who heard my laugh didn’t start running. I started low, slowly building up the pressure in all my three diaphragms, until it built up to such power that I couldn’t stop laughing if I tried! All that was missing was dark clouds and lightning!

“Oh, you foals!” I laughed. “You forgot to add an escape Clause! The most you could do is take your paid vacation, and that gives you about a week before I get to fire you! And believe me, you don’t want me to fire you!”

I pressed my face into Diamond Tiara’s. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she stared into mine. “Because let’s get this straight… nopony cares about you two. You’re bullies. You frighten other ponies into thinking you have power, without actually having any power. I have true power, and my sole outlet is currently you two. Shining Armor won’t stop me. Scootaloo won’t stop me. If you tell Ms. Cheerilee, or your parents, I’ll just turn them into root vegetables or something, and I can do that because it would punish you for hurting Scootaloo. You’re all alone. And there are two ways this can go: either Scootaloo’s life is about to get infinitely worse… or yours are. It’s your decision.”

Silver Spoon burst into tears. “I never wanted to bully Scootaloo!” She cried. “It was all Diamond Tiara’s idea! She made me! I was never even her friend!”

“What!?” Diamond Tiara screeched, rounding on Silver Spoon.

“And now it looks like you two have some issues to sort out.” I said, still smiling like a mad stallion. “And so my little ponies… and you two are my little ponies now… toodles.” And with that, I let my laughter build up again, and I kicked them out of the bushes, onto a slippery path made out of toothpaste.

I let my laughter die down to a chuckle as I strolled casually out of the bushes, watching the pair of them slip and slide and bumble over each other, trying to put as much distance as they could between them and Discord even as they argued with each other about Silver Spoon’s last remark there. I may have just ruined their friendship in the bargain. All in all, a job well done.

Discord strolled up to Shining Armor and Scootaloo where they were sitting, Scootaloo licking an ice cream cone. She looked at the fillies running into the distance. “They aren’t transformed into anything.” She said.

“I concur.” I concurred.

“What did you do?” Shining Armor asked.

“I just talked to them.” Discord said with a shrug. “Gave them a stern lecture on bullying. What, did you expect me to, I dunno, turn them to stone?” I snapped my fingers, and big neon signs popped up behind me, saying: ‘Responsible Adult!’. He snorted, in what could have been amusement, but given that he’s Shining Armor, I doubt it.

“Hey…” Scootaloo blushed and pawed at the ground as she walked up to me. “Um… can I go and crusade with my friends?” She asked.

All the more reason to get rid of an annoyance. “Sure thing.” Discord said.

“Um… alone?” She asked again. It occurred to Discord that she probably thought this request would devastate him.

Glancing at Shining Armor, he put on his best pout. “Well… alright.” Discord conceded. “But only if your friends come to my welcoming party tonight.”

“What!?” Applebloom yelped. Sweetie elbowed her, and the earth pony relented. “Yeah. Sure.”

Scootaloo beamed, more from Applebloom’s reaction than from Discord’s, and began to skip around like a giddy schoolfilly. “Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

Discord tried to shush her, but she let out a happy scream. As if they had always been there, the angry mob appeared on the horizon.

“There he is!” The old green nag yelled. “The varmint’s eatin’ our foal’s brains!”
The nerve!

I mean, granted, I’ve occasionally found a nice bit of foal brain to be quite enjoyable, but nothing compared to foal eyeballs in spinach-juice, and I’d have to be really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hungry to eat Scootaloo’s brain.

Who knows where that thing has been?

“For the children!” The old mare cried, and the stallion bucked the wagon she was sitting on hard. The crazy bat flew right at me, swinging a pair of frying pan nunchucks that would have been really cool if they weren’t about to re-introduce his face to the concept of pain.

Thankfully, they weren’t about to do that.

I grabbed the nearest foal I could find by the tail. Swinging as hard as I could, I redirected the old mare to the moon! She soared over the heads of the mob as they began to panic and scatter!

Well, yes I know physics don’t work that way.

It’s called artistic license.

The story is much more interesting this way.

Fine! She undershot and landed on her face in the dirt a good foot in front of me.

Fillystine.

Anyway, the mob was about to charge again, when Cheerilee trotted between us and put her hoof down. “Stop this disgraceful behavior immediately!” She said, using the tone shared only by schoolteachers, parents, addiction recovery therapists, and armed grandparents.

The mob ground to a halt immediately.

“Did ah hit ‘im?” The green mare’s muffled voice rose from the earth.

“Now, Discord is a member of the community.” Cheerilee began lecturing the mob. “And I know he’s done some bad things in the past, but so did you! Caramel, remember when you had a crush on Bon-bon and kept pulling on her mane until she had to cut it? Thunderlane, remember how you copied your homework off of Applejack for years? Pokey Pierce… you graduated before I became assistant teacher, but I’m sure you’ve done things you weren’t proud of too.” The aforementioned unicorn burst into tears. I busied myself with taking notes.

“Now granted, none of you have ever turned Equestria into a strangescape from Luna’s darkest nightmares…” She continued, oblivious to the fact that ‘Strangescape’ had become my new favorite word. “But right here, right now, he’s just spending time with his daughter. And you’re about to begin a brawl in the streets, right in front of the children! Your children! To what? Hurt him? Look at him!”

The crowd looked at me as one. I picked up Scootaloo, kissed her on the cheek, and gave them a thumbs up and the toothiest smile I could give. The mob bashfully looked back at Cheerilee, who hadn’t stopped… squinting at them? I guess she was trying to glare but… I don’t think she knew how.

“We’re sorry.” Pokey Pierce sniffled. He seemed to be the defacto leader of the mob in the nag's absence, because they all quietly mumbled their apologies and dispersed.

The big red pony pulling the cart was the only one who didn’t avert his eyes. He gave Cheerilee a friendly nod and plucked the ringleader out of the ground. “Did ah hit ‘im?” The green nag asked.

“Nnnnope.” The red stallion said, as they departed.

“That was nicely handled Ms. Cheerilee.” Shining Armor said, casually complimenting the mare-who-was-not-his-lovey-dovey-wife.

“Thank you Shining Armor.” Cheerilee said, taking this verbal cheating in stride.

“That was so cool Ms. Cheerilee!” Scootaloo cheered. I had hoped she wasn’t getting involved in this triangle of compliments, but you have to let your kid live and learn from their mistakes. “You’re coming to the party tonight right?”

Cheerilee glanced hesitatingly at Discord, before smiling at the foal. “Of course I will Scootaloo. I wouldn’t miss it.”

Day 3.5: Because Whole Chapters Are Boring!

The party was the lamest thing I’d ever seen. There was Shining Armor, his nerd sister, and his wife the pink menace. There was Applejack, but she was just there to keep an eye on Scootaloo and her friends. Lyra was there, but at the moment she was occupied with a yellow earth pony name Bon-bon. For reasons unknown, the mailmare and the zebra came too. All in all, there were only thirteen ponies. Hardly a party at all. No mosh pits, only food that comes out the other end, and nopony was pulling any pranks at all.

Why, this one time in the past I turned all of Equestria into a balloon! Oh, we had some laughs then. Well, I say ‘we’. Pity one of the unicorns had a special talent for poking things.

I simply walked around the room, sometimes backwards to ease the boredom. I listened into conversations from time to time too.

“…just think it’s fascinating.” I heard Cheerilee say, as I passed her and Twilight. “One of my most famous ancestors left my family a journal, and she claimed to be good friends with a draconequus. I’ve always been curious about Discord and his species. I wish I could instill such curiosity in my students.”

“I think you’re doing a great job with your students.” Twilight praised the teacher. “Why, just this afternoon I had two fillies come to the library looking for a book on Ancient Latin Equestrian. I could never spark that kind of interest in somepony.”

I couldn’t hold in my snicker. It just let itself loose.

Cheerilee noticed, and turned to meet Discord. “Ah, Discord. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

Discord was surprised. “You have?” He asked.

“Yes.” Cheerilee said. “You see, occasionally at school we will have one of the foals bring in a family member, and have that family member tell the fillies about themselves. It was Scootaloo’s turn three weeks ago, and no doubt she’ll want to have her turn on Friday this week, and bring you.”

Discord beamed at the prospect of traumatizing the town's future generations. “Who wouldn’t want to bring me to school?”

Cheerilee shook her head. “I was just wondering… would it be possible for you to not destroy the schoolhouse? Or maybe even not traumatize the little ones with your darkest tales of evil deeds?”

“Moi?” Discord grinned. “Oh, of course I wouldn’t traumatize little children.” He crossed his tail behind his back.

“And I’ll be there to ensure he doesn’t.” Shining Armor rudely butted into the conversation.

“Oh, you don’t need to ensure anything.” Discord lithely balanced himself upside down on Shining Armor’s horn. “I invented schools, I’m not going to burn them down. Not unless I get really bored, and believe me if I got that bored I’d have better things to do than incinerate one schoolhouse.”

And now they were all staring at him. He pushed the air a bit and swung a lazy arc around Shining Armor’s horn.

“YOU expect us to believe that you invented SCHOOLS!?” Twilight asked incredulously.

“But that can’t be right.” Cheerilee looked confused. “My great-great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandmother’s journals said a draconequus called King Anarchy invented…” Her eyed widened as the proverbial bit dropped. “YOU?” She asked.

“You sound almost as if you don’t believe me.” Discord sniffed disdainfully.

“Well, you’re not smart enough to have invented school.” Twilight said. In a serious, no-nonsense tone, that indicated she was not merely doubting him, but outright saying he was lying as a matter of fact.

Discord hopped off of Shining Armor’s horn and began to slink in a circle around Twilight. “Oh, Twilight dear, you seem to have underestimated me yet again. Always so superior in you –”

“Enough.” Shining Armor said.

Of course, he only said it after he’d done the whole ‘grab him in a force field and dunk him head-first into the barrel of apple bobbing’. Discord emerged from the humiliating barrel with nine apples attached to his horns, and one on his tooth.

He popped the apple out of his mouth. “Oh, the art of breaking one’s spirit is so underappreciated these days.” He sighed. Obviously Celestia had briefed him on what happened when Discord talked too much. “Yes, I did go by King Anarchy before I changed to Discord, and yes I did invent scholastic institutions. Although, my version of it was discarded for Celestia’s more popular academic principles.”

He tapped his chin. “And… oh yes, I am actually smart. SURPRISE!!!”

Twilight actually leaped backwards in shock after that last surprise, and the Draconequus couldn’t help but laugh. He hadn’t expected to actually surprise somepony.

“Seriously though…” Cheerilee pressed forward through the barrage of laughter. “You invented school? I’d like to hear more about that, if you could…”

“Now hold on there.” Discord held up a claw. “You said that Scootaloo would want me to do some sort of ‘show and tell’? Since I doubt Shining Armor here will let me tell the precious little cherubs about the fun times I had during the Pegasus wars, I think I’ll save my school stories for then.” He patted Cheerilee on the head.

“But… but…” Cheerilee’s eyes were almost watering. “Knowledge…” She whispered.

Discord chuckled. “Oh no, you’re not going to get me with that Celestia-cursed ‘free knowledge for everypony’ system. In my schools, you had to earn the right to learn.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Twilight said, because she was a Ms. Grumpy P. pants-Mcpantsless.

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Said Princess Cadence, who decided now was the time to (elegantly) join the conversation. “Why, I went to one of the last Anarchist-Institutes-For-Learning when I was a foal, before they all shut down. I believe another of Cheerilee’s ancestors... Puddinghead’s granddaughter was the head mistress at the time. I have a lot of fond memories of that school.”

My eyes widened and I rounded on Cheerilee. “You didn’t tell me you’re related to dear little Puddinghead?”

The teacher responded with an airy “You didn’t earn that knowledge.”

I chuckled despite myself (or maybe because of myself (or maybe parallel to myself (ad absurdium))). “Well, I supposed any family of Puddinghead can’t be too much of a stick in the mud.” I said. “But you’re still going to have to wait for story time.”

“You went to a school founded by Discord?” Twilight gaped at Cadence, who blinked innocently, and responded;

“Well, of course. I never knew Uncle Discord as anypony but a statue, and I wanted something to connect to him with.”

I swear, for a moment the music stopped. Everypony except Shining Armor was staring at her like she’d grown a third head.

“You… I… wha…” Twilight stuttered. I didn’t mean to break her this time, honest!

Cheerilee shook her head. “I see ‘show and tell’ this Friday is going to be interesting.” She said, coming back from being thrown with a wild right hook of ‘nothing-could-surprise-me-after-this’ following through with a deadpan delivery.

Cadence, as usual, seemed oblivious to her friend and family’s consternation. “What’s wrong?” She asked.

Shining Armor gave her a weak smile. “I don’t think Twilight knew about Discord being your uncle.” He explained.

“But why wouldn’t she?” Cadence asked. “I told her all about the Royal Family for a thesis essay she wanted to write when she was three-and-four-fifths.”

“But you never mentioned anything about Discord then.” Twilight said. “Your only true uncle was Anarchy, and he was an alicorn… unless… unless…” We all waited with baited breath for Twilight to come to the inevitable conclusion.

Then Lyra interrupted the scene.

“Unless Discord became her uncle through marriage!” she yelled, beaming. “Celestia, you sly vixen!”

“What!?” Twilight yelped. “No! That’s… Celestia would never do that!”

“Nor would I.” Discord said, more than a little muffled. “I mean… ew. She’s my cousin.” Not that there was anything wrong with that…

“Yeah, Celestia and Discord?” Cadence’s eyes went spacey for a moment, before returning to Equestria. “It wouldn’t work. Not a chance. No way, no how.”

“So how are you two related then?” Cheerilee asked, ever eager for knowledge.

“That’s easy.” Lyra said, taking another swig from a cup of punch. “Luna, you sly vixen.”

“No!” twilight stamped her hoof.

Cadence seemed to ponder this. “No.” She said. “Luna needs a stallion who can be stable and sophisticated. Discord would drive her mad.”

“Why are you talking about this like you’re considering it?” Twilight asked, in some sort of fugue state.

“And why are you braiding my tail?” Cheerilee asked, as she realized Cadence had been behind her braiding her tail for a while now, like some sort of braid ninja.

“Because Discord hasn’t had any romance in over a millenium.” Cadence replied. “Even if it is with Luna, a good rehabilitation method would be to get him into a stable relationship with a mare. And because while your mane looks cute cut short, your tail is just a little bland.”

“The only stallions in this room are the god of chaos and your husband.” Cheerilee pointed out.

Cadence sighed, and dropped her ditzitude. “Dear.” She said, in a tone of voice indicating complete seriousness. “When the Spirit of Romance wants to braid your tail, you let her braid your tail.”

Admittedly, Cheerilee did seem more interesting with her tail done up like so. Even more interesting as she seemed to be resisting the process.

“But yes, Discord is my uncle.” Cadence explained. “I was born two hundred and three years after he was banished, in the year 183 of Celestia’s reign. My mother, Lady Die Rouletta Superstitia Fortunata, was his younger sister, about Luna's age at the time."

"She told me all about him. Before Celestia's reign began, he was Marquis Anarchissa du Differance Randomnny. To hear mom tell it, he was Celestia’s counterpart in a lot of ways. The eldest of the house of Life, against the eldest of the house of Fate. To be born into the royal families is to be thrust into a world of political intrigue, but according to mother only Discord and Celestia have ever ruled the majority of the world for any length of time.”

“Oh please don’t put words in my mouth.” Discord scoffed. If Cadence felt compelled to educate these ponies, he would not have them filling their minds with rubbish. “I was King Anarchy. The hint is in the name. I did not ‘rule’. I simply did what I wished, where I wished.”

The other ponies in the crowd looked at him with mixed expressions of confusion, fear, and lust (that last one was just Lyra). Feeling suitably insulted for one evening, Discord curled up into a loop-de-hoop and rolled away while they continued their ancient history lesson.

As the other ponies continued their boring conversations about ancient history and the genetics and lineages of a Draconequus, he snapped up to attention next to Applejack, who was sitting watching over the children (the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pinkie Pie).

“Hello Applejack darling.” Discord said, looming over the earth pony menacingly.

Applejack barely glanced up. “Howdy Discord. Things got too complex for ya at the grown-up side of the party?”

Discord airily brushed off the insult, and the sharp tips of his talon. “I’m merely here to observe a curiosity.” He explained. “Tell me Applejack, why are you here? Don’t tell me you’ve come to my party because you enjoy my company.”

This caused Applejack to glare up, before she turned her eyes back down. “Ah’m just here to make sure ya don’t turn my little sis into a newt er something.”

“And why aren’t the rest of your precious elements here?” Discord asked, looking around the empty room and spying only two. “Shouldn’t they be here helping you defend Equestria from the big bad monster?”

“Ain’t here fer Equestria, here fer mah sister.” Applejack grinned cockily at Discord. “Equestria don’t need defending from the likes of you. We beat you before, an’ we can do it again. Only this time, yer washed up. You ain’t got a leg to stand on, ‘cept fer Scootaloo. You hurt me real bad, worse than you know, and you hurt mah friends just as bad. The reason they ain’t here, is because they can’ abide to look at you without finishing you off, and Twilight didn’t fancy the three of ‘em goin’ to prison for deicide. Rarity won’t even let Sweetie Belle near you… but ah fer one, ain’t lettin’ Applebloom throw away her friendship just because of a loser like you, and you won’t be here fer more’n a week anyhow before Scootaloo realizes she was just confused.”

…

...

...

The gauntlet. It had been thrown.

They day a boring earth pony farmer stereotype could verbally slap Discord in the face like that without recompense was they day dragons decided that breathing fire was barbaric and everydragon should cudle up to a pony in a meadow of daffodils so they could sing songs about friendship.

NOT! ON! MY! WATCH!

“I’m surprised you’re so brash.” Discord said, not letting a hint of menace creep into his casual voice. “After all, if I recall you lost that round.”

“We didn’t loose.” Applejack looked up, confused. “We beat you. Locked you up in stone…”

“For two months.” Discord reminded her. “Celestia and Luna managed for more than a millennia. And that’s not counting the other bits of chaos I sowed that weren’t made of my magic, and didn’t go away when I did.”

Now Applejack was definitely feeling a shiver run down her spine. She looked at Discord warily. “What other chaos?” She asked.

Discord’s smile didn’t widen, as if he were merely discussing dinner. He didn’t give any superficial hints that what he was about to tell her was false. What he was about to tell her was one hundred percent honesty, and he wanted her to know, right down to the element.

“Oh, where would the fun be if I told you that?” Discord asked. “Needless to say, if Scootaloo hadn’t freed me, I had a few more surprises that might have. And we’ve both seen the future. If I pull out any of my surprises, the Elements of Harmony won’t be there to stop me.”

Applejack held up an angry hoof. “Now hold it right there ya varmint.” Applejack growled. “That vision you showed me wasn’t the future. It was a lie.”

“A lie?” Discord chuckled darkly at the little pony’s naivette. “My dear Applejack, you know how these things go. Good triumphs over evil. The elements of harmony stave off disharmony. Why on earth would I fight honesty with a feeble weapon like lies?”

Discord turned his back on her, and her look of shock and dismay as she realized him everything he’d told her was the truth.

He smugly walked away without a single word.

If he said anything else, it would have been too tempting to mess with her head when she was down.

Instead he strolled up to the foals. “How are you enjoying the party Scootaloo?” He asked with an insincere grin.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle tumbled backwards when they realized a draconequus was looming over them. Scootaloo just smiled. “It’s okay.” She said with a shrug.

“JUST OKAY!?” Pinkie Pie gasped. If another pony sported the look on her face, it would have meant Ragnarok.

“I think the whole party’s a bust myself.” Discord nodded, eliciting a bashful grin from Scootaloo and a look of pure brokenness from Pinkie.

“B-b-b-b-bu…” Pinkie looked like she was about to cry.

“What’d you say that for?” Applebloom yelled, bucking Discord in the shin.

Discord inhaled sharply and yanked his leg out of bucking distance. “It’s true.” Discord said, suavely. “There’s no fun games. Where’s the pin-the-dragon-on-the-pony? Where’s the bobbing-for-secrets? Where’s the Truth Or Dare? The spin-the-bottle? The timberwolf toss?”

Pinkie perked up. “Oh, we can play games if that’s all that’s troubling you!”

“There’s not enough ponies here to play any interesting games.” Discord said, waving the idea away offhandedly. “And the music stinks too.”

Pinkie frowned. “Well maybe if you didn’t scare everypony away you’d have more guests.” She said with a sigh. “I’ve invited every pony in ponyville. This is all that would come. Not even Vinyl would…”

She was interrupted by the sound of the elevator doors opening. Everypony turned to stare at the elevator that had not been there before.

How odd, I wasn’t expecting more guests. I thought it would stop at unlucky thirteen. But then I saw who the pair were, and my smile broadened itself like Pinkie Pie’s.

At the door stood an earth pony and a Pegasus. The earth pony was pure blue, with a musical note for his cutie mark. He was boring. I ignored him. The Pegasus however, was somepony who I’d grown very fond of when I met her briefly during my last invasion. She was completely pink, and had a long wavy blue mane with a white stripe through it. She wore a beanie on her head, and her cutie mark was a baseball and a screw.

Lyra nudged Cheerilee. “My guess is that handsome stallion’s why Cadence braided your tail. Go over there and make kissy faces. Now.” Cheerilee slapped her.

“Screwball! Screwball! Doctor Screwball!” Pinkie Pie cheered, racing over to the pegasus.

“You know her?” Discord asked, surprised. He had thought she was just a figment of his imagination when they’d last met.

“Of course I do silly, she’s my psychiatrist!” Pinkie soared over everypony’s heads, bounding in front of the Pegasus. “I can’t believe you’re here!”

“I can’t either.” Screwball put a hoof to her lip in thought. “How peculiar. How’s the addiction coming Pinkie?”

“Fantastic!” Pinkie jumped in the air. “I did what you said, and hid rubber balls all over Ponyville. And now, I no longer have a desire to sniff felt! It’s a miracle!”

“No, that’s the Screwball method.” Screwball beamed. “But I didn’t come here for a house call.”

“You didn’t?” Pinkie asked looking confused. “But if you’re here… but not for a house call… and you brought your brother…” Her eyes widened. “Are you crashing my party!?”

“Yup!” Screwball nodded her head (or perhaps ‘bobbled’ her head would have been the right word choice).

Pinkie squealed on a frequency only dogs, rabbits, and draconequus could hear. I was confounded by how frequently I was becoming acquainted with the quaint custom of ‘pain’. I hate consequences.

“Oh my goodness, I’ve never had a party crashed before!” Pinkie jumped up and down. “Hold on right there, I have to go get my ‘crashed party supplies’!” And with that, she disappeared in a pink blur.

Discord chuckled. “Well well, I’m surprised to see you outside of my strangescape.” He said, shaking Screwball’s hoof in a manner most unbefitting the god of no-manners. “But then, you did warn me you weren’t one of my creations.”

“Nope!” Screwball said proudly. “I love your work, and I’d love to be part of it, but I’m just a shrink.”

“And you’ve been treating Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked, incredulously. “Um… would you mind if I looked at your credential –”

Screwball rounded on Twilight, and yelled at the top of her voice; “You have OCD!”

“What?” Twilight asked in surprise as she fell back on her rump in surprise.

“Have you ever felt yourself compelled to not leave things lying around?” Screwball asked with deathly seriousness.

“I- well… I believe that organization is the first step to –” Twilight said, trying to explain in her clumsy way.

“Did you ever have a semester in school where you’ve received straight A’s?” Screwball asked, pressing her face to Twilight.

“I-I only ever got A+’s in schoo…” Twilight said bashfully, slowly becoming apprehensive.

“It’s worse than I thought!” Screwball cried, clearly working her way into a panic as well. “Last question! Have you ever had trouble interacting with other ponies? Do you need lists or tallies to evaluate matters of friendship? Have you ever became frighteningly mad after one simple thing on a schedule was misplaced?”

Twilight’s eyes widened with increasing horror after each question. “Oh my goodness!” She gasped. “Maybe… maybe I do have OCD!!!”

“Of course you do.” Screwball said, hoofing her a business card. “I’ll schedule an appointment for you. In the meantime, we’ll get started on therapy.” She took a glasses case out of her hair and handed it to Twilight. “These special glasses will make everything you see distorted. If you can wear these for four days straight, then you’ll be cured.”

Twilight took out the glasses. They were trendy polka dot horn-rimmed glasses. The glass itself was distorted, sometimes thick, sometimes thin, and some sections of the glass were multi-colored. “Oh thank you Dr. Screwball!” Twilight said, putting them on. “I feel like my mind is healthier already!”

She tried to shake her hoof, and immediately ran into a wall.

“Now hold on just a minute there suarcube.” Applejack interrupted. “Ah don’t think this is such a good -”

Screwball rounded on Applejack, hoof pointed dramatically! “You’re a compulsive liar!” She declared.

Applejack just stared at her. “Nnnope.”

“Kleptomanic?”

“Nnnope.”

“You hear voices in your head?”

“Nnnope.”

“Alicorn complex?”

“Nnnope.”

“You play for ‘the other team’?”

“Celestia no.”

“You have a secret obsession with hands?”

“What in the name of Pappy’s stetson is a hand?”

With each passing question the two grew more confused. Screwball stamped her hoof on the ground. “Well there must be something wrong with you!” She exclaimed vehemently. “We’re at a welcoming party for Discord! If you’re here, then by definition you’re not ‘all there’!”

Applejack looked like her brain might be broken. The blue earth pony strode up. “I got this.” He murmured to Applejack. He turned to his sister. “Screwball, I think Applejack isn’t all here; she’s left the crazy part of her back home.”

Screwball nodded like this was the soundest advice in the world. “That sounds reasonable, but now I’m craving grapes.”

“Uh… help yerself?” Applejack passed the platter to Screwball. The delightful Pegasus proceeded to delightfully rub the grapes all over her body.

“…Okay.” Said Applejack. At a loss for any other coherent word, she turned and fled.

Shining Armor sighed, and stepped forward. “Discord, Screwball here it going to be your… court appointed ‘psychiatrist’ for the remainder of your ‘stay’.” He explained, with liberal use of whatever ‘these’ are.

“Good to know.” I said. Good indeed.

“And her brother Noteworthy will be providing the music!” Pinkie Pie chirped back into the conversation.

“I’ll what?” Noteworthy looked to the pink party pony with a propensity for pandemonium.

Pinkie had returned and was passing around ‘emergency crashed party’ brochures and life jackets. “Discord doesn’t like the music. Play that one really random song!”

“Ooooh, I like that one!” Screwball cheered, as she helped herself to the snacks table.

Noteworthy mumbled. “I’mma be old and grey and everypony’ll only remember one song…”

“Hey I know!” Sweetie Belle chirped up. “Why doesn’t Discord sing us his villain song!?”

Scootaloo looked up at me with an adorable wide bright-eyed puppy dog face… one that I found impossible to not turn down.

“I don’t do villain songs.” I said with finality. Naturally, the ponies didn’t pick up on the finality.

“But… every villain has a villain song.” Shining Armor said with confusion. Odds are, he's met his share of villains.

“Yes, yes, a song that comes from their heart.” Discord sighed. “A song that explains their villainous role and so forth. I know. My close… acquaintance invented the villain song, and now every do-badder in Equestria is born with music in their hearts.” I drew myself up proudly. “But I was the first ever villain. I don’t need some song-and-dance to establish my credentials. Everypony already knows how scary I am.”

“Oh we know.” Cadence said with a smile that she probably thought was endearing but totally wasn’t. “But maybe you could sing a song for us anyway?”

I sighed at the wit that was lacking in so many certain royal ditzes that I will not name presently, and pointed to Cheerilee. “Pop quiz teach! What are songs made out of?”

“Notes?” Noteworthy asked, despite my clearly not having addressed him.

“Chords.” Cheerilee said, nodding to acknowledge that she understood what was happening.

“Exactly.” I crossed my arms. “Chords. And I am Dis-cord. You see where I’m going with this? I actually cannot sing. Not anything you ponies would call a song. My Villain Song, the song in my heart, tends to make pony’s heads implode through sheer incomprehensibility, confuse earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns to such an extent that they and reality itself get confused as to which type of pony they are, and spontaneously conceive a child through sheer awesomeness.” I shrugged. “I could sing it of course, but some of you are entertaining enough to be kept alive, and unimpregnated.

“Yeah, given the alternative, I think I’ll start up the song now.” Said Noteworthy, who in a state of panic managed to procure an accordion and begin playing. The music was much livelier than the party’s current fare, and Pinkie Pie jumped in on the first verse:

I was trotting on the rooftops of Atlantis
With a rabid wolverine in my potatoes
When suddenly a gal behind me in my forehooves
Popped right up and cupped her hooves across my eyes!

I guessed, "Is it Mayor Mare or Bigs McLargehuge?"
"Is it Future Twilight or Spitfire?"
"Could it be Flim or Flam or Twist or Bon-bon or Pip?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the cloud!

And as I'm laying bleeding there on the nimbus
Finally I recognize the face of my confetti dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Here, Pinkie Pie opened her mouth. A small cross-eyed alligator I later discovered was called ‘Gummy' emerged, and started singing with Pinkie Pie’s voice.

Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!

I admit, while it wasn’t the most chaotic of songs, it certainly had a pleasant ring to it. And the act of watching the ponies sing it was funny too. Screwball flew upside down and sung the next ‘verse’:

I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Rainbow Dash!

They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go!

And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Steven Magnet started yelling

Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter

Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!

“So, anypony can just make up lyrics, right?” Lyra asked enthusiastically as Noteworthy went in for an accordian solo.

“Go for it!” Pinkie Pie Placed a Precarious Preposterous pot-hat on her head, and Lyra giggled with excitement before continuing on the music.

I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died!

So now I'm up in a hospital with a ghost
By the mare’s toilets
And it's obvious she doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
She tells me that we've got a dress code

Well, she lets me haunt the sick ward anyway
But I get the room next to the snoring diabetic
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming

Scootaloo nudged me, and gestured that she wanted me to come with her out to the balcony. I gladly followed. They were drawing the zebra in to the next verse, and I wasn’t going to start singing under any circumstances.

We walked out onto the balcony her and I. I realized then, how sad she was. I was surprised I didn’t catch it earlier. I am, after all, a professional tearmonger. Not that she was crying; she was just less then what she should have been.

“You seem down.” I said, taking in the balcony view. “Which is odd, because House seems to have transformed into a fifty mile high disco ball when we weren’t looking.”

“Sorry boss.” House intoned.

“I’m not upset.” Scootaloo shook her head angrily. “I just figured… I’m not really good at singing either. Didn’t really want to be in there.”

“You are very good a deception.” I noticed out loud. “But the trick to truly deceiving somepony, is to not lie. I can teach you about it later.”

Scootaloo blushed furiously and looked away. “I… you could really tell? That’s not fair!” She exclaimed.

“Fair is just another word for boring.” I said with no small amount of unconcern.

Scootaloo sighed, and looked out over the Everfree, in a most melodramatic fashion. Glancing nervously over to me and biting her lip she asked; “Why did you adopt me?”

This was not a question I had been expecting. But I could improvise. “Why do you ask?” I asked.

“Well…” Scootaloo started, blushing and looking anywhere but me. “Everypony else keeps telling me how lucky I am. They keep saying I should be glad to be alive, that you should have turned me into some sort of animal. And…” And at this, Scootaloo began to tear up. “…nopony else wants me.” She turned away from me. “Nopony else... Rainbow Dash didn’t even come to the party.”

Well, this filly sure was enamored by Rainbow Dash. “Perhaps that’s why.” Discord muttered.

“Huh?” The filly looked up at him.

“I think part of the reason why I adopted you, is because no other pony would.” Discord explained, curling a tail of comfort around the filly. “I’ve always had a soft spot for the things nopony else appreciates. I mean… look at me. Ponies take one look at me and run.”

Scootaloo looked up at him with wide eyes. “You mean… you were lonely?”

Wide eyed Discord drew back his tail and quickly disabused the filly of her foolish notions. “No! No I was not lonely!”

“You were!” Scootaloo cheered, grabbed Discord’s tail and hugging onto it. “You were lonely!”

“My magic’s strength is directly proportional to how many ponies are fighting.” Discord muttered. “That’s who I am, that’s what I do. I don’t do… loneliness.”

“Well, that’s sad.” Scootaloo said with unwavering finality.

Discord raised an eyebrow. “There’s another thing I don’t do;” He said. “sad.”

“Aren’t there any other draci… draconi…” Scootaloo stumbled, trying to produce the word draconiquus.

“No.” Discord said, idly chewing on a passing cloud. “I am the only Draconequus. All the other species were so boring, I decided to make up my own.”

“Did you ever try to make another drak… another you?” Scootaloo asked.

“Oh yes.” Discord smiled at the memory. It was the only event he could remember that had actually instilled fear in him besides being turned to stone a second time. But looking back on it, it was vaguely funny. “It didn’t work out too well. Long story short, there’s only one of me, and that can’t change.”

Scootaloo looked at him oddly. “How would you make a you anyway?”

“Oh, like I said, my powers involves shuffling the deck. All I needed were the right cards.” Discord’s eyes glazed as his mind returned to the happier memories. “I used to be a boring ugly alicorn. Then I realized my problem was that my horn was boring, and I traded it to the Elk King for one of his antlers. Then Tali Zulu, an antelope warrior, gave me this second horn if I would grant him wings. This talon I got from a griffon before I turned him into a pony as part of one of my zany schemes against Luna…”

Scootaloo deigned to interrupt him. “So you could make me into a you?”

Discord rounded on the filly, glaring at her. “No.” He said simply. “Never. There can only be one of me.” He turned around looking away from her.

Then a silvery voice interrupted the pair. “AltHOugH… iF It Is poWEr tHe yoUNg fiLly DesIrEs…”

A starlit mist crept over the balcony’s edge. A terrified Scootalo stumbled back, and hugged Discord’s tail closer, while the draconequus just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Hello Excess dear.”

The mist formed a cloud… and the cloud opened its eyes. “DiScoRD, dArlIng. I nEVer gOt a chaNcE to Say hELlo on yOuR lASt ouTinG.” Excess hissed.

“Who is that?” Scootaloo whispered. No idea why. Maybe she thought Excess couldn’t hear her?

“This is Excess.” Discord said, gesturing to the cloud. “She’s the one who took control of Luna a thousand years ago. She’s an eldritch being of pure malevolence, older even than my parents, that can corrupt any sentient being to her will through their volatile emotions. In short, she’s my ex.”

“CorRUpt… And imProVe.” Excess hissed greedily. “TeLl me fiLly… HoW woUlD You lIke to Do a sonIC rAinBoOm thE VerY fiRst tImE You flY?”

“Go away, or my dad will make you go away!” Scootaloo said angrily. The effect was somewhat ruined when a tendril of mist sneaked towards her and Scootaloo tripped over her own tail to back away.

“Oh, I can’t.” Discord said nonchalantly. “I don’t know of any being in Equestria who can hurt her without the Elements of Harmony. Don’t worry, she can’t hurt us.”

“Oh DIScord My darLiNg…” The tendril moved to stroke Discord’s face. “I’M so gLad yOU’re bacK… wiTh YOur hElP, wE Can –”

“Help?” Discord raised an eybrow menacingly. “Stampeding Sisyphus, why would I help you?”

Excess paused, like she was only just realizing how her plan was less than well thought out. “WeLl… beCauSE You lOVe mE?”

Discord snorted, then burst into hysterical, manic laughter. He collapsed on the floor, writhing like a snake in its death throes, twisting and turning and chuckling and Ho-ho-ho-ing and sometimes even pointing at Excess like she was the funniest thing in the world and bursting into an even fresher batch of hilarious-mouth-noises.

“WhaT iS so fUNny?” Excess hissed.

“Dad… is she your special somepony?” Scootaloo asked.

“Not any more.” Discord chuckled. “And she still hasn’t figured it out.”

“WhaT?” Excess’s misty tendrils flew back in outrage.

“We did date for a while.” Discord explained. “But… oh, she was just so boring! It was all ‘take over the world’ this, and ‘destroy the world’ that, and ‘set a trap for our old foe Celestia’… I mean, I guess it was original at the time, but it got old real fast. And she wouldn’t even use her powers for fun! She’d only possess Alicorns or ponies in her definition of ‘power’! So, I hatched a scheme that arranged for both Luna and Excess to spend a few thousand years on the moon.”

The mist seethed as Discord chuckled at her. He didn’t really find it funny any more, but the look on her face when he chuckled renewed his mirth. “Let me guess, you want to possess Scootaloo, and thus control me, or else beg me to annoy Cadence to such an extent that you can have a grip in her? Pathetic.”

He knew she hated being ignored, so he turned his back on her and shrugged. “Guess you didn’t learn your lesson from being locked in the same place with the same pony for a thousand years. You’re still boring. Now I’ll drive everypony I can up the wall, and I know I can’t hurt you, so maybe you’ll benefit if you’re smart enough. But just to be clear… I don’t love you.”

“Y-y-yeah, you’re not my dad’s special somepony any more!” Scootaloo said, sticking out her tongue in some small imitation of defiance.

Excess hissed, as Discord idly twirled his fingers through her incorporeal form. “yOU hAvEn’t seEN thE lAst of Me!” She said with a slither. She swore as she retreated, pulling back into the dark.

Scootaloo peered around the shelter she’d made of Discord’s tail. “She couldn’t really have hurt us… could she?”

Discord shook his head. “Nope.” He said nonchalantly. “I’ve never had emotions strong enough for her to manipulate. She probably could have got you, but she’s far too much of a drama queen to possess a filly, even one as powerful as you.”

He curtsied like a girl, drawing his face into a mocking puckered expression as he began to mock her. “‘I’ll get you my pretty, and your little daughter too… once I finish applying this make-up, and oh dear I’m supposed to meet up with Fabio for my diabolical laughter lessons! Oh well, I shall leave you in this easily escapable trap and set my doomsday weapon to deploy at in one hundred seconds. Oops, did I make that too easy for you? One hundred minutes then’!”

Throughout his performance Scootaloo was giggling. Tears leaked onto her face as she tried to hold it back, but Discord could always get a laugh (or at least a scream) if he applied himself. Scootaloo burst into laughter.

“There, she’s not so scary, right?” Discord chuckled at the filly’s mirth and tickled her so she would procure more laughter. “You really have to fix your face sometime. It was leaking again.”

Scootaloo’s laughter petered out, and she climbed up onto discord’s head. She seemed to favor her perch there behind his horns. “Hey, you don’t really want to destroy the world like her, do you?” She asked.

“I assure you, if I ever do destroy the world, it will be like me.” Discord said with a chuckle. “No no, there was a time when I wanted to turn the world into chaos. But true chaos, whether it takes things apart, or mixes things together, always ends up in the same place; unity. If everything were chaotic, everything would be the same. Like a tree standing alone in a field. How could I make that interesting?”

Discord smiled. “Chaos is a game. I could kill the Elements of Harmony without even a fingersnap, but then everything would be too boring.” He used his eye trick to glance up at Scootaloo with his right eye. “Does that make sense? Or am I thinking in six more dimensions than you again?”

“Uh… I think that makes sense.” Scootaloo nodded. I sensed she was nearing an epiphany, but then her next sentences ruined it. “Yeah. And that’s probably why you’re so lonely too. You’ve never played chaos on a team before.”

“You take things too seriously.” I said with a smile and a sigh. “You know what? Tomorrow, you’re going to take the day off school, and we’re going to start the Seventh Great Prank War!”

“Seventh?” Scootaloo asked.

“I’ll tell you later.” I said, with probably more warmth then I meant to say it with. We walked into the house again, just as Twilight had finished up the last verse of the song (something about getting an A+ for late homework). “So, hey, what’s up with that zebra?”

Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that

Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
Everything you know is wrong!

Day 4: A Close Morning Shave

The next morning, I woke up to pain.

Pain is an experience I would rather avoid.

Still, this new no-more-ignoring-consequences life I lead, has led me to get used to it.

I still don’t like it.

But as I got up, I noticed a new sensation. It took me a few more minutes to find the word for it;

Stiff.

As stiff as a board.

“Oh, sir, I am so glad you are awake.” Said the apparently aristocratic alarm clock, which was sitting at the edge of my bed. I was lying on the floor, in a tangle of sheets. I had allowed myself to be convinced that I should sleep like a regular pony for once.

I stood up and felt this strange sensation of stiffness along my spin, as the alarm clock’s ramblings continued. “You did ask me to wake you up on time sir.” It said, pathetically eager to please. “And after you let me move and speak sir, why, it was an absolute honor. I’ve done reconnaissance with the other alarm clocks. The Main Bedroom’s clocks are set to go off in two hours, and Ms. Scootaloo is to be awake an hour earlier.”

“Is her room on the top floor?” Asked I, interrupting the clock’s tirade. I reached up, the motion somehow both painful and relaxing in my state of stiffness, and unscrewed the light bulb from the ceiling.

“Um… well I suppose it is possible that her room changed by now, but when last I was there her room was on the top floor.” The alarm clock said, pleased with himself.

“Good.” I smiled, and picked up the alarm clock. “Then the Seventh Great Prank War begins.”

“Sir, what are you –” These were the clock’s last words. I shoved the light bulb into its mouth and opened up its back.

I never liked clocks. They kept far too careful track of time. Time should be let free of it’s constraints, free to mingle with its minutes, free for the seconds to be as long as they wanted, and the years to be as short. But time was imprisoned, and clocks were both cell and warden. Fortunately, they are easily dismantled. All it takes is one loose cog, and time is set free.

I emptied the alarm clock’s gears onto the bed, and watched as it rolled it’s eyes, and closed them.

Safe from prying eyes at last, I began to fold and contort my body. The stiffness faded, into a mixture of pain and bliss, and before long I was back to my fully nubile self.

Slithering out the window as silently as I could, I took my leave of House and its occupants.

I was tempted – almost sorely tempted – to not go into Everfree. The Apple family farm was close by, as was the cottage of that cheater Fluttershy. But the plan was set. There would be time to prank them later.

I tried various techniques to walking as I went through the Everfree. I could fly in all sorts of shapes and sizes, but walked is rather limited.

So I strolled, I trotted, I skipped, jumped (exhausting), hopped, shuffled, danced, waddled, spun, lumbered, crab-walked, and tip-toed through the forest.

I was considering next whether I wanted to swing through the trees like a monkey, or use my tail as a makeshift pogo stick, when I reached the FUNTIMESWALL.

The Everfree forest was one of my strongest bastions of chaos back in the day, second only the Htnyrbal, my fortress.

Doubtless Celestia took this into account when she moved into the palace right next door so as to better keep an eye on things. Well, I had no time to explore and see just how many of my houses were in ruins. But there were secrets in the Everfree that were protected even from Celestia and her ilk. Secrets like those hidden behind my FUNTIMESWALLS.

The FUNTIMESWALL, spelled with capital letters because 'WHY NOT?' is a wall of brambles that I placed over most of my most prized possessions. A plant that would form a thick wall around something of my choosing, and would only open for those who sought and practiced the art of fun. Since this was in the heart of the Everfree, fun would be the last thing on any pony’s mind. Since I am fun personified, the brambles never even come close to me.

Basically, if anypony can have fun in a place like Everfree, they’re somepony I want to find this place.

Like maybe Pinkie Pie.

Or somepony who’s willing to kidnap toddlers, trap them in some sort of ‘fun room’ where they would have endless fun, and then drag the toddlers behind them in a cart so they would offset the great amount of fun they are not having due to dragging toddlers.

Either way, anypony who crosses the FUNTIMESWALL will be somepony I would want to have cross it.

In the midst of this particular bramble thicket, there was a hole. Hopefully it lead to the mirrorpool, and not the pit of marionettes. Those puppets could get nasty when they’re not fed.

Lucky me it was the mirrorpool! I almost couldn’t believe it was still there except… well, I made it, of course it was still there. Not that I made it; when the Elements of Harmony turn me to stone, every active enchantment I cast gets nulled out. Fortunately, I can influence other ponies to create or power my enchantments.

The mirrorpool was one of my craftier inventions. Forseeing that Celestia may one day bind me with some sort of magical oath, I created a pool that would create an exact copy of anypony… sans any connections. No oaths, no ties of any kind could escape the pool. No friendships, no alliances, no enemies, only the bonds that you’ve made with yourself.

All you had to do was cast the spell.

“And into my own reflection I stare
Yearning for one whose reflection I share
And solemnly swearing not to be scared
At the prospect of being doubly there.”

And at that, a second Discord climbed out of the pool. I shook his hand…

And drained him of the magic he had, not being bound by Bureaucracy.

“What was that for?” The other Discord asked angrily. Then he widened his eyes. “Oh I see, you want to have all of the fun for yourself.”

“You’re a distraction, nothing more.” I explained congenially. “I understand if this upsets you, but, hey, at least you’ll get the pleasure of annoying Shining Armor.”

“An honor I’m sure.” Discord said, smiling at myself. “But I think I’ll just take your powers, and be done with it. After all, I am the true Discord.”

“You came out of the pool.” I pointed out.

“You’re bound by bureaucracy magic.” He shot back.

“I could break the bureaucracy any time I liked.” I replied airily. “But I don’t think even you want the consequences of that.”

“You may not, but I do.” The other Discord grinned. “I’m all for it actually. Discord is the most powerful being in the universe… fear doesn’t suit me.”

“But no fear at all is just boring.” I said, suddenly realizing exactly which cliché was at work here and deciding to nip it in the bud.

I readied a ball of chaos energy behind my back to destroy my evil clone with one fell–

But well, to make a long story short, I’d forgotten that even without my powers at five meters away I can snap my own neck in, like, a quarter of a second.

The pair of us quickly turned to the pool, and recited the poem again. Now, remember, I didn’t make this pool, I only guided the ponies who did, and those unicorns had a real thing for a good rhyme.

Our dopplegangers sprouted up – mine with his head still dangling from his neck – and while I quickly erased the third Doppleganger’s powers into the ether, doppelganger prime blocked me from erasing the powers of Dop4 – that is, the doppelganger of doppelganger prime, whose neck wasn’t snapped.

“Get him!” Cried the Discord copy. “He’s going to steal your powers!”

“Nope!” Said the fourth doppelganger, who promptly decided unpredictability was the better part of Discord, and gave me his powers of his own free will. “I’m being contrary!” He giggled, skipping happily towards the exit. Meanwhile, my second copy of myself had made another clone, and the pair of them were quite a sight what with both their necks being snapped and all.

This was getting out of hand. It was time to use the magnificent brain I possessed, sharpened to a razor’s edge through my family feuds. Four clones of me, each thinking the same way, probably thinking about what I’m thinking right now.

Discord number four? He probably only gave me part of his magic as a ruse to get me to semi-trust him and is now in his way to the outside world. Discord number three is probably hurt that he was born into the world without magic or a functioning neck, so he’s just moping, maybe thinking the situation through and trying to come up with a plan like I am, or maybe biding his time. Discord number two was probably realizing that his efforts to create more than one spirit of Discord would go just as well as mine had; I’d intended to use this pool to sow chaos not to trick babysitters or fight myself. He was probably thinking the same thing; if you’re confused, confuse your enemy so that you’re confused together.

Discord had one advantage over all of these imposters right now – he hadn’t had his connections to the outside world cut off. But that was also a disadvantage. It was possible, even without magic, that one of the imposter Discords would create more chaos than he’d be able to handle in his imperfect state. And being a creature of Discord, he couldn’t see how to the bindings of his prison would result in victory. Besides that sole difference, he and the other Discords were the same; no two copies perfect, of course, each one deliciously unique in their chaos, but each as cunning as the other.

So, off the top of his head, his options were limited to a miniscule seven schemes.

He picked scheme number four, just because.

“Alright!” Discord said, clapping his palms together. “Everybody calm down!”

With a clap of his hands, a bright light filled the room. All of the Discords were suddenly caught in an anti-gravity spell, and all instantly on edge. They knew he couldn’t trap them, his magic wouldn’t let him bind things together. And the anti-magic spell gave them an advantage, allowing them to utilize their wings, which was even more suspicious. The fourth one wisely edged away from the cavern’s entrance, suspecting a spell placed therein under the cover of an anti-gravity spell, and not giving away any hypothetical magic he may have hid from Discord-prime.

“Feeling threatened boss-man?” The first duplicate sneered. “Of course, you’d have to depend on your magic to defeat us, weak as you are. I would propose a contest of chaotic skill, but you’d be much to scared.”

… which was, of course, the response Discord had expected, so the morose Discord and the sly Discord did the unpredictable.

The morose D blew down on the lake, the anti-gravitational spell effecting the water and making it rise. Discord himself had used a spell on the lake, therefore if the lake swallowed him, he would disappear as quick as his clones. The other Discord decided to level the playing field and finally showed some of the magic he’d been storing, casting Discord’s signature spell.

All unicorns have signature spells, spells related to their special talent. Those spells are the easiest for unicorns and alicorns to cast. It was simply an extension of the very power that flowed through them. Discord hadn’t named his spell, but it was an orb of pure chaos. PURE chaos. It was easy enough to cast but impossible to control. Not even he could predict the chaos that ensued – he never used it for fights unless he wanted to conserve magical energy, lest the chaos accidentally favor his foe.

The ball of pure chaos energy shot past him – and hit the pool. The pool naturally absorbed any of its copies back into it, or any of the originals who entered the pool, even when there was only one left. For a moment Discord hoped that the pool would just absorb the spell too, it being an integral part of Discord.

But then, if the pool wasn’t effected by his magic, it wouldn’t have been affected by his anti-gravity spell, as the cunning morose copy had demonstrated. The pool shattered into a million puddles. Even more horrifically, out of the pools emerged teeth, horns, claws, hooves, tails, bizarre copies of Discord with no order whatsoever.

There was no way he’d be able to stuff his duplicates into the pool.

And he couldn’t fix the pool.

When your enemy’s powers are based on disrupting things, the only reasonable strategy was to break more things first.

“NOOOOOOO!!!” I cried to the heavens.

“Booyah!” The magical Discord split his power into three, and gave it to the other Discords.

“This is why you can’t beat us Discord!” Yelled my first duplicate. “You’re nothing but a twisted and warped version of the original! We’re off to spread chaos, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us!” He cackled, and pulled the other two duplicates to teleport, while the discord with the broken neck gasped in shock.

“Wait don’t –”

And the three of them teleported right out of time.

I smirked, and got up brushing off my coat. I was arrogant, and I knew it. The Discord born with a broken neck was also born with a damaged ego, so it only observed, and thought, and didn’t act. The other two underestimated me, especially the one that managed to keep his powers.

But I, for all my arrogance was scar… fri… slightly more wary of them. And that led to their downfall.

I knew it would be impossible to get me back into the pool.

I also knew I did the impossible, and I knew I did the impossible so I’d take precautions against myself.

So I took precautions against their precautions.

When I cast the anti-gravity spell, I pretended that it was a double-bluff to disguise the spell placing a trap that would spring on any who left the entrance, which is why I left the entrance alone. I also pretended it was a triple bluff, allowing the second me to challenge me to a duel of supremacy, a duel in which they knew I would cheat, which was why the second Discord challenged me anyway, to show that he was superior, and why the other two made sure to disrupt my plans to a challenge.
But they didn’t know, (well, I guess the last me guessed at the last moment) it was actually a quadruple bluff, to hide the fact that I tore a discord through time itself, sending whoever teleported outside to a rift above the pool in the past which wasn’t broken.

Usually when a pony travelled through time, it was a closed loop. Everything that happened in the past when people travelled backwards in time, already happened. But I could ignore that particular rule.

When your enemy’s powers are based on disrupting things, the only reasonable strategy was to break more things first.

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

Hopefully it lead to the mirrorpool, and not the pit of marionettes. Those puppets could get nasty when they’re not fed.

Lucky me it was the mirrorpool! I almost couldn’t believe it was still there except… well, I made it, of course it was still there. Not that I made it; when the Elements of Harmony turn me to stone, every active enchantment I cast gets nulled out. Fortunately, I can influence other ponies to create or power my enchantments.

The mirrorpool was one of my craftier inventions. Forseeing that Celestia may one day bind me with some sort of magical oath, I created a pool that would create an exact copy of anypony… sans any connections. No oaths, no ties of any kind could escape the pool. No friendships, no alliances, no enemies, only the bonds that you’ve made with yourself.

All you had to do was cast the spell.

But before I could, a shimmering rift appeared in the air above me. Three identical copies of me fell out of the rift and into the pool, instantly exploding into their essence of magical ether and being reabsorbed by the pool.

“Well there’s something you don’t see every day.” Discord muttered. As he watched, another Discord appeared at the rift and pointed an accusing finger at me.

“All right, listen up me.” I said. “Remember when we tried to make a second draconequus? Same lesson to be learned. There can be only one. If you want to have a day with Scootaloo, you find another way.” Suddenly, an eagle’s talon extended into view, with another eagle’s talon where each individual claw should have been, and swiped at the other me. “Woah, down boy.” The other me said with a smile. “Oh, you beautiful abomination…”

And then the rift closed.

For a moment, I was tempted to go ahead and recite the spell anyway, just to see what would happen. But I decided that I already did what I did to make that future possible, it would be boring to do it again.

So I thought up another way.

Time being of the essence, Discord found it in Scootaloo’s best interests to teleport himself home, as quick as possible. As per his instructions, she was already up and waiting. “Are we gonna go pranking now?” She asked excitedly. She was wearing an old helmet of some kind, all round and green and leafy and boring. And she had black marks smudged under her eyes.

“Of course we are.” Discord said, chuckling at the fillies excited attitude and random accoutrements. “But first, we have to make sure that Shining Armor won’t interrupt us. Come on.”

Scootaloo eagerly scrambled up onto her spot between Discord’s horns.

Discord realized he really should correct her and have her sit on other parts of him instead, just to keep things random. But then, her preference for being in high places might lead her into a position where Discord could one day manipulate her into taking over Equestria, so he let it slide. Also it felt warm and cuddly, but that, he told himself, was most assuredly unimportant.

The pair of them flew into Everfree, straight through the HAPPYFUNTIMESWALL, and into the cave wherein lay the mirror pool.

“Now, all you have to do is recite this rhyme.” Discord said, handing her a slip of paper.

“What’s the rhyme for?” Scootaloo asked, confused.

“This mirrorpool will help us trick Shining Armor.” Discord explained. “I’d have done it myself but – well, I think I may destroy the universe or something if I do.” He shrugged. To him, it was no big deal, the destruction of the universe. Just slightly less fun then they’d have otherwise.

But Scootaloo shuddered, hinting that an actual intelligence rested behind those violet young eyes. She then went to the edge of the pool, and recited the spell.

To her amazement, a second Scootaloo came out!

“Wow!” Scootaloos said, with wide eyes. “This is so awesome!”

“One more time now!” Discord egged her on.

The Scootaloos exchanged admiring glances, and then the first Scootaloo rapidly recited the spell again, bringing another duplicate out from the lake.

“These are your copies Scootaloo.” Discord said, motioning to the other two. “And they will be our distractions.” With a snap of his fingers, Discord wove a spell, and the third Scootaloo clone’s appearance was broken, shattered into pieces, and re-arranged like a puzzle with all the wrong pieces.

When it was over, she looked like Discord.

“Cool!” She said, sounding like Discord too.

“You will have one job.” Discord said, pointing to his imperfect clone. “You will act like me.”

“Uh…” The Scootame raised an eyebrow. “Why would I do that?”

“Because being me means you get to do absolutely whatever you want free of… most consequences.” I explained, after but a brief pause to ponder whether or not to elaborate on the nature of said consequences.

Sure enough, the Scootame began skipping around the cave room happily. “Yay! Yay yay yay yay yay! This is awesome!”

“What about me?” The Scootaloo duplicate asked.

“You will go to school.” Discord explained. And when Scootatwo’s face fell, I elaborated. “There, you will be able to expand your mind…”

“I know what a school is funny-face.” Scootadupe said, sticking her tongue out at me. “You can’t trick me into thinking it’s exciting.”

“But don’t you want to spend the day with our friends?” Scootaloo asked with innocent naiveté.

The other Scootaloo looked back at her inquisitively. “F-friends?” She asked, confusion and worry clear on her features. “You… have friends?”

“Of course we do!” Scootaloo yelped, playfully giving her clone a smack. “How could you forget Applebloom and Sweetie Belle?”

“The Mirror Pool doesn’t make complete copies.” Discord explained to Scootaloo, resting a definitely-not-comforting-no-matter-what-she-wanted-to-think arm on her shoulder. “The mirror pool frees you completely of the bonds you’ve made with others. You still have the bonds you made within yourself, acting as you would act – but acting as you would act if you didn’t have any friends.”

With some trepidation, the Scootaloo wannabe stepped forward. “So…” She asked, hesitantly. “So you’re saying, that if I went to school… I’d have friends?” Oh for crying out loud, the filly was crying!

“Yes, yes, you would have friends.” Discord said, rolling his eyes.

“Awwww, no fair!” The Discord impersonator began to cry too. “I want to go to school! Why can’t I go to school?”

“You kids today.” Discord muttered, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “You flip-flop back and forth so often, I’m surprised any of you find your cutie-marks.”

“Hey yeah!” Scootaloo chirped, clapping her hooves. “Maybe you’ll get a master of disguise cutie-mark!”

The Discord impersonator stopped crying for a moment, as she thought about it. Then she shook her head. “I still wanna go to school.” She said with a mumble.

“Maybe you can make friends around Ponyville!” Scootaloo said excitedly. “There are lots of friendly ponies around here!”

“Ponyville?” The imposter asked, stroking her beard. “You really think I could make friends?”

“Wait! Stop!” Discord frantically cried, placing himself between Scootaloo and her shapeshifted clone. “Bad idea!” He said. “She’s supposed to go around pretending to be me, and I don’t make friends!”

“Because of your magic.” Scootaloo said, scrunching up her face, trying her hardest to think things through. “Your magic is about making discord, and you don’t know how to do anything else. And you’re lonely, you said so last night! Well… kind of… sort of… but if you let her be you for a day, she’ll be able to make friends for you, and then it won’t matter if you can’t make friends, all you have to do is not do your discord thing to them!”

It was a rather feeble argument but… well, it was the most conniving manipulative intelligent thing Scootaloo had said since she’d known Discord. He groused a bit, but decided that encouraging this sort of behavior would prepare her for the political life that awaited her should she take the throne.

He weighed the pros and cons of his set-Scootaloo-up-to-rule plan. It would be playing the long game, and in the end he didn’t want to rule anyway, but it was a pretty poor plan all things considered, and it could be easily undone if her friendship with the Crusaders developed. It might be fun breaking the Crusader’s friendship though…

He looked into three sets of puppy dog eyes, one set coming from the most beautiful face in the world, and the other two coming from Scootaloo. He mentally shrugged, and moved Operation: Queen Scootaloo up to plan D.

He sent a glare at his duplicates way, and muttered darkly. “Just don’t make me look bad.”

“Yay!” Scootaloo yelled, and she hopped onto Discord’s horns.

Discord considered, briefly, merely dropping Scootaloo-prime in the pool and letting her blank slate of a duplicate take her place. But then he wouldn’t have the joy of crushing her friendship with those foals, so he moved Operation: Ace In The Pocket to plan F.

They dropped the two clones at House, who had become, this morning, a lotus flower styled house, with a majority of the rooms on the outside, and open to the winds, covered only by a canvas. Scootaloo waved goodbye to the Father-and-Daughter-for-a-day, and then turned to Discord. “So, who’re we gonna prank?”

“Everypony we can Scootaloo.” Discord said, giggling with an evil glee. “Everypony we… oh, hang on, hold that thought.”
With a look of bored contempt, Discord strode out into the middle of the field, where a stampede was gathering. The alfalfa mare was running through the streets towards House. Ignoring Scootaloo’s astonished gasp, Discord began to count the number of rabbits casing her.

“105…106…107…108.” Discord nodded. “Alright then. Long division.”

With a snap of his fingers, the herd of rabbits screamed. They began to stick to each other, attracting one another like magnets until finally there were two balls of 54 rabbits each. Discord tore up a patch of the ground, and flung it at the rabbits, the strip landing between the two balls. The pack of rabbits now formed a division sign, one ball at the bottom, and above the strip of earth the other ball floated. And then they began to roll away, haphazardly into the distance.

And with a casually extended arm, Discord plucked the alfalfa mare from where she was running into the Everfree forest.

“You wanted us to catch you a sister, right Scootaloo?” Discord asked, slinging the mare over his shoulder like a sack of grain.

“Oh boy you caught her!”Scootaloo chirped with excitement. “Hi there, I’m Scootaloo! I’m your sister!”

“No you aren’t!” The pile of alfalfa snapped harshly. Discord tightened his grip on the struggling green mass. “I’m a vegetable, you’re an animal! We aren’t sisters! And your ‘daddy’ has made my life miserable ever since I was born!”

“Oh, ho hum.” Discord said, mocking a yawn.

But Scootaloo, astonishingly, was beginning to weep.

Discord sighed. He was beginning to have doubts about Scootaloo’s… Scootalooness. There was a time and a place for crying – well, no there wasn’t, but there was definitely an anti-time and anti-place, and that was right here and right now. “Yeah, alright, time for you to learn who your daddy is.”

I channeled my magic into her. The horn disappeared, melting into the steaming alfalfa as two growths emerged from her back to make wings. She gurgled as the magic in her mouth stopped working and formed into actual vocal chords. The empty sockets swirled with magic, and formed shining violet eyes like Scootaloos…

That soon turned into a slate grey.

With a dramatic flair, I conjured a curtain and pulled it apart. “Scootaloo, meet your new sister!!!”I declared, pulling apart the curtain.

The pegasus was green all over – a light green coat with a dark green mane. She no cutie-mark, and she looked more like and older Scootaloo than Discord had planned, but that was okay.

“Woah.” Scootaloo’s eyes widened with delight as she dried her tears and inspected the new pony. “What’s your name?”

“Name?” The green pony blinked oddly, and inspected Scootaloo. “Right. Because when my farmer sewed my seeds, she named all of us.” For a pony who I had only just ‘brought to life’ she held an impressive grasp of sarcasm.

“Applejack names her trees.” Scootaloo explained with a blush.

“Let’s name her Rabbit Bait!” Discord said with eagerness. “Or Sitting Duck! Needs Floss? Oh, how about Target Practice?”

Scootaloo and her sister shook their heads at him. “No, she needs a cooler name than that.” Scootaloo said, deep in thought. It’s amazing how oblivious she could be to my threatening power.

“Green something.” The mare said, examining herself. “I like green, I think.”

“How about, Soylent Green?” Scootaloo recommended, with a light in her eyes.

“What’s Soylent Green?” Discord asked, curious.

“It’s something that’s made of ponies.” Scootaloo explained, hopping around her new big sister. “I snuck into a Manehatten theatre and saw a movie about it once! But Soylent here isn’t made of ponies, so it’s funny!”

Discord and Soylent gave her confused looks. “What’s a movie?” They both asked at once.

Scootaloo looked away bashfully. “Er… forget about it.” She muttered. Transparently attempting to change the subject, she quickly informed Soylent of her goal. “Okay Soylent, we’re taking the day off to do family bonding stuff. Daddy wants to start a prank war!”

“I like your helmet.” Soylent said, smiling and patting Scootaloo on her helmet.

“Thanks.” Scootaloo said, with a smile that could put Celestia’s sun to shame. She took off her saddlebags and began to rummage through them. “I also brought itching powder, rope, suction cups, various dies…”

I decided to interrupt her no doubt fascinating tale of saddlebag exploration. “Well, all that’s fine and well.” I said, tossing her bags aside. “But do remember who I am and what I can do?” Thunder and lightning gathered in the background as I amassed my expositing power.

“The First Great Prank War, between myself and Celestia at the birth of Equestria, Accidentally flattened the world. The Second Great Prank War began with the creation of the Crystal ponies and escalated! The Third Great Prank War unleashed the Windigos, the Dragons, and the Smooze from Tartarus! The Fourth Great Prank War is technically still happening, fought as it was through time, and a great many fruits only exist today because Starswirl stole their seeds from the future! The Fifth Great Prank War ended with every member of the Royal Family being with foal! And the sixth Great Prank War was greater than all of them combined, so terrifying was my pranking might that I was sealed in stone for a thousand years!”

I threw my hands into the air and cackled triumphantly as lightning struck the forest behind me. “This is no mere father/daughter bonding outing Scootaloo! We will bond so hard, Equestria itself will tremble!!!”

As predicted, Scootaloo began skipping in joy with Soylent at the last sentence, but surprisingly she managed to cool down. “Um… that’s great dad.” She said. “But could we maybe… not prank so hard? When Rainbow Dash pranks, she makes sure it’s only a minor inconvenience.”

Ugh, I should have known that it would all lead back to the Element of Loyalty. It was so tiring raising an ungrateful daughter obsessed with one of your enemies.

“Alright fine, we’ll keep the pranks on the downlow.” I said, bowing elegantly. “But you still have the unbridled power of the Spirit of Chaos at your disposal.”

“We follow your lead General Scootaloo.” Soylent said with a smart salute.

I could see the excitement bubbling behind Scootaloo’s eyes. “Alright… first we need to figure out who are targets are, and create a battle plan.” She said, unrolling a map she had in her pack.

I put on a military uniform, and began marking the map. “First priority is the Elements of Harmony.”

“Not Rarity!” Scootaloo yelped. “I want her to let Sweetie Belle play with me! And not Applejack either, I don’t want her to get mad.”

My concession came with much eye rolling. “Fine.” I said. “Four out of six isn’t bad. We also need to prank key strategic points; the Secret royal guards stationed in Ponyville. The Royal food supply. The nobility. And then the princesses themselves. We’ll want to prank them, and Shining Armor last, so we can get away with this as long as we can. Also, there’s an old friend that has unfinished business with me I’d like to visit while we’re out and about.”

“Alright…” Scootaloo said, looking at me suspiciously. I guess even she knew not to trust me with too much of a leash. But she was brave enough to press on, and press on she did. “Now, who has an idea for how to prank Rainbow Dash?”

As it turned out, I didn’t even need any magic to prank Rainbow Dash. We found her laying asleep in a cloud, and we got Soylent to fly up and talk to her. She was a bit odd, even for a plant. She figured the best way to wake Rainbow Dash up would be to poke her nose repeatedly. Not that it was ineffective.

Rainbow snorted awake, and looked at her with irritation. “Who’re you?” She asked grumpily.

“Oh, I’m soylent.” Soylent replied, running an inquisitive hoof through Rainbow’s hair. Rainbow edged away worriedly, but Soylent stayed where she was, swaying in the breeze. “I have a message from Discord.”

At this, Rainbow Dash sat upright and wide awake. “Discord? What? Where?” She asked, frantically shifting her eyes to every angle, but unable to find us because of my amazing camouflage. Scootaloo and I were hidden in a cloud. Nobody here but us clouds.

“The message is; You have been pranked. That is all.” Soylent lazily back flipped down from the cloud, leaving Rainbow Dash in a frantic tizzy.

“I’ve been pranked?”

I had, of course, done nothing to her besides send her the message.

Rainbow began to pace. Well, not pace, but she flew in circles as she muttered. “I’ve been pranked? Me? How? Is there something in my mane? No. So how? Wait, maybe it’s something I don’t know about yet! Maybe he flipped my house upside down! Maybe everypony in Cloudsdale have been set up on blind dates! Maybe he rearranged some of the letters in the Daring Do novel I haven’t read yet! Oh no!” She gasped. “Did he do something to the story I’m writing!!?” She flew off in a rainbow colored blur.

I busied myself taking notes.

Scootaloo giggled and hoof-bumped her sister. “That was great Soylent!” She crowed. “Let’s do Fluttershy next!”

“Wait, we’re pranking Fluttershy?” I asked. From my experience, Fluttershy was a pony who could be scared by her own shadow. I didn’t know Scootaloo had such a ruthless streak.

“Yeah!” Scootaloo said with a giggled. “Fluttershy’s the second most awesome Pegasus in all of Equestria! She’ll probably be a lot of fun to prank!”

There were a lot of misconceptions floating around in her head, but I couldn’t deny her definition of fun!

In the end, I used an old trick I played on Starswirl the Bearded to mess with Fluttershy.

She was out in her gardens when we found her, tending to her chickens.

The three of us, wearing immaculate chicken costumes, snuck up behind her fence. My first idea had been to write her fake letters from a ‘mysterious admirer’ and break her heart later when the truth was revealed, but Scootaloo saw through my idea and dubbed it ‘not harmless’.

Fortunately, her idea had potential too.

I quickly took three rocks, and transformed them into slightly scruffy and malnourished housecats. On the three housecats, I put numbers; 1, 2, and 4. Then I set then loose.

She noticed the second one first. “Oh, hello there little kitty.” She said with a smile, beckoning it forward as she finished feeding the chickens.

Kitty 2 came up to her, followed by kitty 4, and she examined them. “Oh my goodness!” She gasped. “You poor things, were you in Everfree forest?”

The poor things mewed pitifully.

I blinked, and they were ensconsed in warm blankets and sipping tuna soup.

That girl’s power of heart was uncanny.

“Oh no, there are four of you aren’t there?” Fluttershy looked around worriedly. “Oh dear, I hope he’s alright! You three stay here alright? Angel will look after you, and I’ll go and find your friend.”

That was when Scootaloo decided to jump out and yell “Surprise!!!”

Only Fluttershy wasn’t there.

Her silhouette was already flying over Everfree forest, nervously jolting around back and forth, looking for a lost kitten.

I patted Scootaloo on the back and prayed that she didn’t start crying. Again. “Don’t worry.” I said. “We’ll tell her it was a prank later. I’m sure she’ll think it was hilarious.”

“I still think we should have turned her into a flower.” Soylent said, staring vacantly into space. “Then she would have stuck around when we told her how funny it was.”

“But then her pets might have eaten her.” Scootaloo explained with a sigh. “Come on, let’s go prank Twilight.”

“I don’t think Twilight needs our help to make a fool of herself today.” I pointed out.

“Why not?” Soylent asked.

In response, I just snapped my fingers and teleported the three of us to the centre of town.

Ponies were staring interestedly out of their shutters, barely even noticing us. They were too busy staring at the showdown.
Twilight Sparkle, still wearing the glasses Screwball had given her, was stand in the middle of the street, glaring at something off to the side. Applejack and Rarity stood behind her, concerned about their friends vision impairment. On the other end of the street, there was a largish caterpillar glaring at her, wearing a vest, a bowtie, and a striped hat that was three times as big as the worm wearing it.

A tumbleweed rolled between them.

“I don’t get it.” Soylent observed. “That tumbleweed is sure handsome, but why is everypony staring at it?”

“I thought Celestia banished you from Equestria after our last duel.” Twilight said to a barrel of water.

The worm at the other end of the street chuckled. “Well, it wasn’t difficult to use my intellect for things other than embarrassing you Nightlight.” Twilight grimaced at this unaffectionate nickname. “You’re looking at the new Ambassador for the Bookworm race, which means diplomatic immunity. Except technically, you’re not even looking at me. I’m over here.”

Twilight turned, and squinted at a skinny little bucktoothed colt with an oversized camera around his neck. “Is that what this is about? Are you here to challenge me to another duel? Do you really think you can still beat me when it comes to pop quizzes?” The poor colt scrambled backwards wildly, and with a sigh Applejack stepped up and corrected her friend’s gaze.

“No.” Said the bookworm. “I am here to crush you like a bug. That is all you are. Just a tiny bug underneath the ample knowledge I posses which has allowed me to win every pop quiz I have ever had… with the exception of a competition with a CHEATING unicorn.”

“Oh, it’s on Tree-wee.” Twilight growled.

“My name is Trivia, foal!” Trivia snarled, drawing himself as big as he could manage.

“Whatever you say, Trivia Foal.” Twilight said with a snicker.

The bookworm glared at his opponent. “Choose your weapons.”

Twilight magically summoned a quill.

Trivia took a small quill out of his nerd vest.

Twilight summoned another quill.

Trivia took another quill out of his increasingly nerdy vest of nerdy nerdiness.

Twilight summoned another quill.

With a flourish, Trivia drew the last quill out of his vest (who wears vests?).

Twilight magically summoned another quill.

With a psychotic grin, Trivia opened up his suitcase, and a veritable avalanche of quills poured out.

His smile of triumph was cut short, as Twilight elegantly summoned multiple quills in midair. They landed point first in the street, like the arenas of battle of old where swords were placed in the ground for opponents to draw out whenever they needed one.

Trivia pouted, and reached into his hat. He withdrew a quill that was three times the size of him and seemingly made of solid gold.

“This is all very gripping.” Soylent said. “And as much as I want to see two nerds competing to see whose quill is bigger, the day’s getting on, and we’ve only pranked two ponies.”

“Right you are.” Discord said with a tipsy nod as the three of them slunk into the alley behind them. “First Pinkie Pie, and then Canterlot!”

They found Pinkie Pie in Sugarcube Corner, but they were having a difficult time deciding what to do. Considering that Pinkie Pie, according to Scootaloo, surpassed even Rainbow Dash in pranking, they were having trouble coming up with a plan.

“Maybe we could paint her green?” Scootaloo suggested.

“What’s wrong with green?” Soylent asked, looking herself over.

Discord rolled his eyes. “That’s not pranking, that’s vandalism!” He complained. “Alright you two, watch and learn!”

“Wait!” Scootaloo hissed. “Nothing that’ll hurt her!”

Discord sighed, and rolled his eyes. “Fine. But this’ll still be fun.” He said, snapping his fingers.

From where they were, they could see Pinkie Pie. As he snapped his fingers, she suddenly stiffened, freezing in place.
“Ms. Pie…” The stallion currently at the counter was a big red goon… the same one who had been pulling Ms. Kitchen Utensils on her wagon yesterday. How fortunate. “Ms. Pie, those brownies done?”

Pinkie Pie just blinked at him.

Slowly.

“What did you do?” Scootaloo hissed. It looked like she was going into a panic. How adorable.

“Did you replace her brain with the brain of a vegetable?” Soylent asked. She was pressing her face against the window. It was drawing uncomfortable glances from the ponies on the other side of it. “Was it a cute vegetable?”

“No.” Discord said with a chuckle. “It wasn’t a vegetable, cute or otherwise.”

And then the scream came from the second story of the bakery.

I would say ‘right on cue’, but… chaos!

Pinkie Pie’s small pet alligator ran down the stairs, screaming. It paused when it reached the door, then backtracked to the counter, standing in front of Pinkie’s face. “Thorry.” The toothless-gator-who-now-had-Pinkie’s-brain-and-apparantly-voice said to the stallion. “Bu’ your brownieth may ‘ake a while. I’m thure the caketh will help you with tha’. In the meanwhile, I’ll be ‘rying ‘o find a the’ of ‘eeth becauthe, awethome ath thith body ith, I can’ ea’ cupcaketh like thith!”

She then resumed screaming in the stallion’s ear (couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy) and raced back out of the bakery.
Pinkie Pie’s body blinked.

Discord shared a look with Scootaloo, before bursting out into uproarious laughter. “Oh man, that was priceless!” Scootaloo giggled. “Now that! That was a prank!”

“I told you!” Discord snortled. “When you’re with the spirit of Discord, there’s no need for any of this small-scale stuff we’ve been doing all morning!”

“Guys, I’m stuck.” Soylent muttered, her face still pressed to the glass.

Scootaloo didn’t hear her. “Oh man!” She clapped her hooves. “We’ve gotta do this again!”

“I have just the target!” Discord declared.

“Muffin!” Soylent began to lick the window, even as the thouroughly disturbed ponies on the other side packed up and left. “Can I have a muffin? Please?”

Author's Note

I hope you like this chapter. It took me forever to get the duel of the Discords right in the beginning. If I do say so myself, it turned out fabulously. As I will explain later, I’m planning on playing up Discord’s cunning to the hilt in this fic.

After reading through the story, I decided that there was a bit of a mood whiplash contained in chapter four, so I decided to split it up. I'd been reading it from my perspective - which is to say, everything all planned out, bits and pieces of later chapters already written - and forgotten to read it from your perspective, which is to say the perspective that comes with reading chapters linearly.

So, I split it in two!

Day 4.5 GPW VII

I remember it as if it were yesterday.

I was just working in my carrot garden, as usual. I happened to look up as I was wiping the sweat off my brow. And that was when the chaos started.

I nudged Bon-bon quickly. “Hey sis!” I said. She looked up and saw what I saw.

Shining Armor and Discord were rolling up to our house on a pair of scooters.

“This is gonna suck.” Bon-bon said.

I had to agree.

When Princess Celestia first implemented the S-class royal guard project, it was meant to be a secret affair. And so, groups of four would be placed, discreetly, in each town. That way, every town would have a first response system for tragedies, and nopony would know.

To be discreet, they were set up with cover stories about being relatives of ponies in town. They lived with those ponies… usually big families who needed the government offered stimulus that came with the group, and were just a tad more concerned for their children than the others were about the numerous enemies ponykind seemed to have stacked against them.

Our parents were one such family. Our oldest brother had… had a closer encounter with a Hydra. In response, our older sister tried to join the guard and didn’t even make it through basic training before there was an attack on Canterlot. Our other two brothers, younger than us, were stolen from our own backyard by Diamond Dogs.

After so much loss, of course our parents agreed to take in a squad of S-class guards. As a result, Bon-bon and I managed to live to adulthood.

When we inherited the house, we both agreed that we should carry on the tradition and help keep S-class guards sheltered under our roof. Secretly, I think we were both hoping for something like the hunky stallions who’d protected us through foalhood. But we got…

Well, we got Special class guards, if you get my drift.

The leader of the squad was an earth pony named Hard Spike. But we called him Mr. Moustache. On account of his moustache. Seriously, that thing had its own orbit.

Apparently, he used to be a volleyball player, before his left hindhoof injury. After that, he was a tennis player, before a cutthroat competitor broke both his forelegs. Then he took up Badminton, until his concussion. He made a name for himself in Squash for a while, until he accidentally swallowed all of the balls in a single game and then they turned out to be parasprites. And after his table-top tennis career…

Well, let’s just say that becoming a eunuch convinced him to take up a safer career, like being a Royal Guardspony.

Since he can no longer grow facial hair, he has refused to shave his moustache.

For obvious reasons, he wasn’t really ‘special somepony’ material.

Next was his lieutenant, a grey pegasus named Derpy Hooves. As if the name wasn’t a giveaway, she had a slightly abusive mother. When Princess Cadence fond out and rescued her one night, not only did Derpy swear fealty to the crown, but she swore to be the best mother ever. That’s why she’s my best friend. No matter how clumsy or goofy or downright destructive she can be, she always keeps her promises. Our relationship is… complicated. But through thick and thin, she’ll always be my best friend, and I love her little Dinky half to death.

It’s not easy being a single mother, and the best mother ever, and an S-class royal guard, and a mailpony, and a special needs patient, and the secret author of the Daring Do series (originally bedtime stories for Dinky, and only very loosely based off of Derpy’s own adventures with the dangerous parts cut out), and the godmother of an amnesiac who didn’t speak any known language, and the only pony to successfully infiltrate Ponyville’s secret gang of illegal jelly manufacturers and maintain her cover for ten years as of last month, and a truly gifted bubble flute player to boot. I guess that’s why she retired from the Wonderbolts, just too much on her plate.

My sister Bon-bon was friends with the other mare of the group, a mint-green unicorn named Lyra. While Derpy and I were best friends, Lyra and Bon-bon were almost inseparable. They reminded me of Basil of Baker Street stories, Lyra being the fearless genius running off on adventures, and Bon-bon being the best friend that kept some common sense close at hand. They were always off on some whirlwind adventure together.

Lyra had the… curious special talent of playing with a stallion’s emotions like a harp. Or a mare’s. Or a minotaur’s. Or a griffon’s. Or a dragon’s. Or a wild animal’s. Or a windigo’s. Or an inanimate object’s! Surprisingly, she was also a surly rough-and-tumble kind of mare, never one to back down from a challenge. I’ve seen her wrestle buffalos to the ground, despite her frail appearance. Thankfully, I’m immune to her charms, by virtue of possessing the rare commodity of common sense, and Bon-bon is one of the few ponies she respects. Lyra talks back to Celestia for crying out loud!

And the last pony of the ragtag ensemble was Bigs McLargehuge. He was… big… and large… and huge… and frankly I tried to avoid him as much as possible. He was a pegasus, though you couldn’t tell to look at him. He wanted to be in the Wonderbolt division, but for now he was stuck as an S-class guard. Not that being S-class was any less honorable. The Wonderbolts were actually of a lower rank. But being a Wonderbolt came with prestige that being a plainclothes agent lacked.

Bigs wasn’t very good at… subtle.

I will never forget the night he asked me out, by playing heavy metal in the backyard and shooting ‘a romantic fireworks display’ at me.

Nor will I forget the subsequent beating Derpy laid on him.

Dinky made our popcorn with a divine carrot sauce.

But I digress.

Having lived such a life, it’s easy to see why my sister and I were worried to see our houseguest’s boss and the Spirit of Chaos coming to our front door.

Lyra and Bigs were in the backyard; Lyra was lying on a fainting couch, working on her tan, while Bigs was doing push-ups with said fainting couch on his back, along with a piano, a safe, and a pair of anvils. Spike was on the roof, practicing BASE jumping. Ominously, I had no idea where Derpy was.

A recipe for disaster, if only Discord had a cookbook.

Oh. Wait. He probably does.

My fears were slightly abated when Discord opened his mouth for the first time. “Hi!” Discord said, in a bright cheery voice. “What’s your name?”

“Does telling you our names give you some sort of eldritch power over us?” Bon-bon asked. Having been on more adventures than me, I deferred to her judgment in this matter.

“I don’t think so.” Discord said, crossing his eyes in innocent thought, in a manner which was not reassuring.

“At ease Carrot Top.” Shining Armor said, rolling to a stop on his scooter. “Twilight ambushed him with a ‘reform’ spell this morning. He’s harmless now.”

“I’ve asked Shining Armor to help me make friends!” Discord said, with a wide beaming smile.

Bon-bon, however, was still wary. “How does a ‘reform spell’ work?” She asked.

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. As impossible as it was, he respected Bon-bon too. As the only mare ever able to talk any sense into Lyra, and as a mare who’s been on enough adventures to know how these things work.

“The reform spell sister used, works on the principle of shifting his highest ideal in life to another, in this case from chaos to friendship.” Shining Armor explained.

But that wasn’t enough for Bon-bon. “Discord is the spirit of chaos! What if chaos wasn’t his highest ideal, just his highest ideal today and it’ll change tomorrow? What if Discord switched spells while Twilight wasn’t looking, and he’s only pretending to be brainwashed? What if Twilight herself cast the spell wrong accidentally?”

“That’s a risk we’re willing to take.” Shining Armor said sternly.

“I’ve gotta back Shining Armor on this one.” I told my sister. “On the one hoof, we have a Discord finding out he’s been brainwashed and destroying the world. On the other hoof, we have a Discord who never gets brainwashed and destroys the world. Granted, both are worst case scenarios, but I’m all for lobotomizing the incarnation of all that is evil.”

Bon-bon hesitated, and shrugged.

“You two are pretty cool!” Discord said eagerly. “Will you be my friends?”

“Only if you promise not to turn me into anything unnatural when you inevitably overcome your re-programming.” Bon-bon said, shaking his talon with a sigh.

“Yay!” Discord said gleefully.

That was when Lyra came up behind us. “You can be my friend too handsome.” She told Discord, winking at him.

That incorrigible tease. This was a match made in Tartarus.

“I’m making so many new friends today!” Discord exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Are you doing anything later?”

I’m fairly sure my eyeballs flew out of their sockets at that.

Lyra smiled and said; “I’m free on Thursday.”

And then, everything went wrong at once.

“Geronimooooo!!” Cried Mr. Moustache, as he jumped off the roof. He pulled the shute on his parachute, only for Bigs to pop out of his backpack, doing bicep curls with a pair of dumbbells that replaced bells with anvils.

The horrified look they shared when they saw each other, was rivaled only by the terrified looks on their faces when they realized their boss was watching.

And then they fell.

Mr. Moustache landed first. “Well, that wasn’t so bad –” He began to say, before Bigs landed on top of him. “Still not the worst injury I’ve –” And then came the dumbbells. “Okay, I definitely felt that one –” And then the piano fell on him. “Derpy!? Izzat you!?”

Derpy fell to the ground face-first with a resounding crash. Her mailbag tipped open, but instead of letters out came –

“Spideeeerrss!!” Derpy squealed, rolling around on the ground, trying desperately to get them out of her mane. “Why did it have to be spiders? Oh Celestia, they’re all over me, get them off!”

I quickly rushed to her side, and after tossing the mailbag away I began brushing the spiders out of her mane. “I didn’t know you were scared of spiders Derpy!” I said, making small-talk to take my mind off of the chaos. “Why, you weren’t nearly this panicky when you were sword-fighting The Giant Flying Phantom Of The ArachneQueen From 20,000 Fathoms!”

“Dinky was in danger then!” Derpy cried. “Oh somepony get ‘em offa me!”

“What are they doing?” Bon-bon asked.

Derpy gasped, and began to gather the creepy crawlys up. “They’re mail! They’re writing their messages with their webs! Everypony look away, it’s illegal to read other peoples OH CELESTIA THEY’RE IN MY TAIL WHY!!!???”

“Wait a minute, this one’s for me!” Lyra jolted forward, snatching a big hairy tarantula up. The ugly spider began to write out a message in a web, and Lyra had to lean forward close to read it.

“Dear… Lyra… is… your… refrigerator…”

And then the wall exploded, and the refrigerator jumped out. The refrigerator had somehow sprouted four hooves, and ran atop of Mr. Moustache to make its escape.

“Oh no!” I cried. “My fruit salad!”

“Don’t worry!” Derpy cried back, as she desperately stuffed her saddles full of the spiders. “I already emptied it! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”

“You what?”

Thankfully, Shining Armor leaped to the job. He pushed his scooter to its limit, before jumping off and sliding in front of the Refrigerator, swinging the scooter around and deftly using it to trip the rogue fridge up. When the refrigerator was on the ground, he swung his scooter around the fridge and used it to put the thing in a choke-hold.

I think he must have put it in a choke-hold reflexively, because he immediately realized how ridiculous putting a fridge in a choke-hold was, and instead just sat on the fridge, and used the scooter to roll it over to where we were panicking.

“Is Hard Spike all right?” He asked.

“It’ll take more than that to slow me down Captain.” Said Mr. Moustache, just before he took a step forward and caught his foot in a rabbit hole, probably twisting it.

“Is there something you want to tell us Discord?” Shining Armor asked.

“Only that your scooter moves are bodacious!” Discord cheered.

And then Dinky ran up, yelling; “Mom! Mom!”

“Dinky!” I said. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“Sorry auntie Carrot, but this is important!” She skidded to a stop. “I think Discord’s gone mad! Ponies are tripping on exploding banana peels, and Mayor Mare’s hair is growing real fast, Spike thinks he’s invisible so he’s dancing in front of everypony naked, and Twilight’s actually losing in a brainiac competition!”

All eyes turned to Discord.

“What did you do?” Shining Armor asked.

“Me? I’ve been here the whole time, making friends.” Discord gave him a serious puppy eye pout.

And then Lyra and Bon-bon facehoofed and they shed some light on the situation. “Congratulations Shining Armor, you’ve brainwashed the wrong Discord.”

“Well, even if you’re the wrong Discord, are you still up for Thursday?” Lyra asked, batting her eyes.

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

He turned around, and I swear his little heart stopped for a second.

“Hello.” I said, smiling my I’m-going-to-turn-you-into-a-cake-and-force-your-parents-to-eat-it smile.

His eyes shrunk to pinpricks, and he made a mess all over where he was standing.

“So you remember me, good.” I laughed, my voice echoing through the hedges and flowers. “Because I remember you. And your father. And your mother. And your brothers. And your cousins. And your second cousins. I remember your entire family, and you are owed comeuppance.”

The poor little guy tried to run, but I snatched him up in my hand.

“Oh no.” I said with a smile. “You knew who I was when you defecated on me, just as your great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandmother did."

“And then, after I punished you on my first escape, when things went back to normal not only did you continue your inane ritual of never ending misery, but you taught your children to do it to.” My smile grew wider. “Don’t worry, I’ve already dealt with them.”

The pigeon in my hand squawked and squirmed. Oh, this little terror had been defecating my statue since he was a hatchling, and I would brook no further annoyances from him, or any of his family.

Being frozen meant I had a lot of time on my hands. Time enough to decipher the language of the pigeons, and begin listening in on their conversations, tracking them. Every second they spent complaining about the berries they ate that morning as they perched on my shoulder, I listened to. Every time one of them announced they were leaving the nest, I listened. Every time one of them hatched an egg, I watched. Unless I counted incorrectly, there were 3,519 pigeons directly descended from the original couple who had used my statue as a repository for their filth.

Currently, there was only one left. And I do so prefer left to right.

“I saved you for last.” I said, stroking the little feathery fiend. “You see, lately, I tricked foal into giving me carte blanche to do whatever to an unspecified number of my vermin. It wasn’t easy, let me assure you. But when she saw the prank she’d planned for the mailmare went wrong, she couldn’t help but ask me to ‘get rid of those icky things’.”

I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “I saved you for last… but what greater horror to visit upon you? Perhaps I could just leave you as you are?” I wondered. “Knowing the fate that awaits your family? Or maybe not knowing the terror your family is in? Or… no, you deserve something deliciously despairing. And without hope, there can be no despair.”

With a wide grin, I set the pigeon down. “Here’s the deal, Mr. Breadcrumb.” I explained. “I have turned all of your relatives into a unique little pony device called a toilet.” I giggled with delight at the expression that came over the pigeon’s face. “I see you’ve heard of them. Maybe you should have learned to use them before you used me.”

I ignored the pigeon’s blustering about my parentage. I happened to agree with him about my father. “You have a chance to save your hatchlings.” I said, much to the pigeon’s shock. “If, and only if, you can take a potty break on each and every other alicorn. Do this and I will release them, and the rest of your family, from my spell.” I smiled at the look of the pigeon’s confidence deflating. “I hear there are around twenty alicorns now. Good luck with the not dying.”

I turned my back on him, and left without a word.

“That felt so, so, good!” I boasted to Scootaloo, as I passed her and Soylent who were watching on the other side of the hedge.

“What did you say to him?” Scootaloo asked. She had, of course, been out of earshot.

“Oh, I just tried to explain to him that what he did was wrong, and when that didn’t work, I made it so that every little tweet that came out of his mouth would sound like a toilet being flushed.”I explained, lying as easily as Celestia rose the sun.

Scootaloo was still curious though. “Why is it… greyer?” She asked.

I pondered a bit. Yes, Scootaloo had proven accepting of my lifestyle before. But she only thought I was a magical prankster, like her idol Rainbow Dash. She thought I was funny. While I was loathe to take away her laughter, maybe it would be wiser to tell her about my darker side. Before she found out second-hoof. And if she was accepting, especially at this young of an age, she would be more receptive to future grooming in becoming the new queen of –

No, I had to hedge my bets. The odds were against me even lasting a month, let alone making Scootaloo become a queen. If I did last a month, that plan would be easy. Now that Shining Armor had tipped his hand and revealed his sister could brainwash me, I had to plan for the least chaotic outcome. And if I did get sent back to prison, with Scootaloo being sent to live with Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, then it would be even more fun if she didn’t have any emotional scars. That way, the three of them wouldn’t bond over the healing process, and she’d doubt I was ever really evil to begin with.

Still, it never hurt to bet on the long shot. If, by chance, Scootaloo did the unpredictable and became an award winning scientist, then I would have failed to stop her from doing good. But if I told her about how inventions can be used for evil, she won’t go down that path. Not that she was ever likely to go down that path, but predicting the unpredictable has gotten me an unfair way in life so far.

“Well you see.” I explained. “Back in the days when I was still dating Excess, I got together with some of my buddies. We were the first ever villains of Equestria, Me, Excess, Sombra, and Antagonizer. We were present at the birth of clichés. We set the trends. Antagonizer sang the first Villain Song. Sombra introduced kingdoms to Tyranny. Excess was the first being to ever to vow revenge on her foes. I invented the goatee! And also maniacal laughter.”

Discord chuckled, and for the most part Soylent looked as vacant as ever and Scootaloo looked worried but not yet terrified.
“We met up every once in a while, and it was during one such meeting, that Sombra began to ponder a more effective method of controlling the ponies under his Empire. At the time, the Crystal Kingdom was indeed the base of his operation, but his empire was quickly spreading, and he was currently at open war with Neighpan and the Minotaur kingdoms were revolting from his rule.”

“Excess pointed out that her mind control was a very subtle art, and Antagonizer believed a sedative poison would do the trick. It was I who put the two together, and mixed in my own special brand of chaos.”

“We invented the art of Kaeling. Although, nowadays folks call it ‘Grayscaling’.” What? Just because I name some of my evil creations HAPPYFUNTIMESWALL doesn’t mean I can’t evoke a mythical feel in another aspect of my geniusness.

I glanced at Scootaloo and she seemed enthralled. “There are some venoms and viruses that are magical in nature, that can spread through a pony like any disease, but effect the soul not the mind. Kaeling is the art of taking the venom in the blackest hearts, namely ours, and using words to conduct that blackness and fill another pony with it.”

Discord grinned. “Everypony has flaws Scootaloo. I mean, I’m fairly sure I don’t have any. But every single pony has a point of weakness, and if you know the right thing to say, you can shatter them. Kaeling, in it’s earliest forms, turns a pony’s coat grey. If it continues, however, it’s theoretically possible to kill a pony.”

Discord sighed, and shook his head. He’d never killed anypony before. It would be a sad waste of life; living ponies were interesting, and dead ponies were not.

“Sombra was the only one of us who took it that far. Antagonizer was okay, but not as skilled as the rest of us when it came to Kaeling. Sombra, however, was a prodigy. I still don’t believe him when he said that he used Kaeling to kill a pony. But believe it, he took the time to personally Kael every single one of the ponies in his empire, and it’s said that Celestia and Luna had to fight Sombra from a distance, and fuse his throat shut first, or he would have Kaelled them before they could even activate the elements.”

“So that’s what you did to the pidgeon?” Scootaloo asked, looking at the grey pigeon as it flew away. “You hurt him enough with words that it turned… grey?” She looked at Discord with confusion. “You invented a spell thing that’s really difficult to use… that turns ponies grey.”

“It doesn’t just turn them grey.” Discord said, rather put out. “It hurts them.”

“Words hurt.” Scootaloo said, nodding at the way she made sense in her own little world. “Magic turns ponies grey. The only difference between Kaeling and saying something really nasty, is that you turn ponies grey.”

“That is such a gross oversimplification.” Discord informed her with a glare. “Kaeling ponies ensures they do not recover from their pain unless magic intervenes. It also makes certain that they continue to regress, until they are as evil as the villains who Kaeled them. Also, Kaeling just forms an outer shell. Unless the ponies would normally react to a Kaeling as they would to ‘just words’ then they’re actually still sane inside of their grey shell.”

And now Scootaloo was actually paling. “That’s… that’s kind of evil.” She said, in her naïve understating way.

Time to assuage her fears. “Don’t worry.” I said, patting her on the head with my tail. “It was only one pigeon, and believe me, that pigeon deserved it. Now, let’s get back to –”

And then I felt it. The anticipatory buzzing, that overwhelming rush of predator scenting prey, that alarm bell in the back of my mind had awoken.

“Say, Scootaloo.” I grinned, winking at the filly. “I can think of two… younger ponies we haven’t pranked yet. And they just set off the alarm I set for a pony bullying you. It seems they didn’t learn their lesson since yesterday.”

Scootaloo stared at me, then began to grin, with dawning comprehension. “Oh yes.” Scootaloo giggled. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Just don’t Kael them!”

“Oh please!” I chuckled, as I faded out of her sight. “When have I ever been that predictable?”

As I materialized in the school ground, I flexed my shape shifting muscles and became a sweet and supposedly innocent looking colt. I decided on a unicorn, because pegasi were beginning to grow passé. My left was black, my right was white, I had buckteeth, and a scruffy rainbow-colored mane.

I suppose it would be fairly obvious who I was, if you were looking for me.

I strutted up to where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were standing over the Cutie Mark Crusaders, minus one Sweetie and plus one copy cat.

“And that’s what you get for telling your daddy about us!” Diamond Tiara was yelling. She and Silver Spoon wore identical looks of triumph. “From now on, we’re gonna make sure you remember how useless you are every day!”

“Lay off her Tiara!” Applebloom said, stepping in front of her friend’s clone.

“Yes, lay off her Tiara.” I said with my I-do-not-know-what-is-going-to-happen-to-you-but-I-know-that-I-will-enjoy-it smile.

All four of them jumped out of their skin. Only the Scootafaux managed to remain calm.

“Who are you?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Don’t you recognize me?” I asked, chuckling rather wickedly. “I’m Discord! Now pocket sized, for your convenience.”

I’ll give her credit; even though they were all but petrified with terror, Tiara still managed to hold onto that tiny thread of confidence that let her think she was superior.

“W-we were just ah…” She held out the chart. “This says it’s okay to bully Scootaloo at exactly 1:53…”

“If I may see that chart?” I asked. The confused filly handed the chart over, and Discord nodded sagely. “Yes, alright, fine. But you missed one important detail.” With a broad grin, I pointed to the hurt filly wannabe on the ground. “That’s not Scootaloo.”

“What d’ya mean?” Applebloom said, in a tone that was almost a growl. “Of course she’s Scootaloo!”

“Nope.” Discord smirked. “She’d nothing but a simalcron. The real Scootaloo is, of course, with me. We’ve been waging a brilliant –” And here my magnificence shines again, in realizing it’s probably best not to tell anypony that I’m at war. “– a brilliant… father/daughter… outing. Is what we’ve been waging.”

Applebloom didn’t seem to believe me, so I summoned a bowl of shredded paper (the ‘reform spell’ Twilight had cast on my double) and began munching on it like a salad. My randomness seemed to have convinced her of my honesty, as I deduced from the rolling of her eyes.

“So… this isn’t Scootaloo?” Sweetie Belle asked, poking the dummy in her head.

“Nnnnope.” Discord said, and elsewhere, on a completely unrelated note, a red stallion who had been temporarily deafened sneezed.

“B-b-b-b-but…” Diamond Tiara finally seemed to be out of words.

“And now, as per our agreement.” Discord said, silently folding the chart up and slipping it into Diamond’s tiara. “You owe me seventy one bits for bullying another pony.”

“Wait.” Applebloom’s eyes widened in awe as she realized what it was like to be in the presence of a greater mind. “You mean… Diamond Tiara can’t bully anypony any more?”

“Not without paying me a hefty fee.” Discord chuckled. “And in addition, every ball that takes to the air for the next forty eight hours will be quite attracted to their faces.”

“What!?” Diamon Tiara shrieked. “That… that wasn’t the deal! We agreed that waged would be paid in standard Equestrian bits!”

“Call it a ‘perk’ of the job.” Discord said, smirking at the filly’s panic.

Applebloom and Sweetie Belle shared a look. It was a… thoughtful look. Like they weren’t really sure what to do. They had a choice to make… go along with Discord, who everypony said was pure evil, or not torment Tiara, who they knew firsthand was pure evil.

Sweetie Belle spun on her hooves and raced into the playground. “Hey everypony! Dodgeball fight!”

“Oh no…” Silver Spoon backed away, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes. “Oh no oh no oh no oh no…”

“Discord…” Applebloom said. She looked like she was about to say something else, but the poor filly was conflicted… discorded you could say… at war between two parts of herself, wanting to punch him and thank him at the same time.

“Come on Applebloom!” Scootafaux said, pulling on her pony friend’s arm. “This is going to be the best dodgeball fight ever!”

Applebloom grimaced… but she turned and left with the fake Scootaloo.

“W-w-we’re taking our paid vacation!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, clinging to that one mercy, that one shred of hope.
And Discord just smiled.

“Sure.” He said. “Go for it. Take your time. Carpe Diem. Catch up with your debt, brush up on your ancient Equestrian, ask your dad for some economics tips.”

And then, in the body of a deranged colt, discord leaned forward, grinning face inches from hers, so alike to an actual pony, yet just different enough that she knew he wasn’t. It gave an uncanny effect that was probably scarier than his normal murder-grins.

“And then, after your week is up, come back from your vacation.” Discord said. “Come back with hope flowing through your veins. And fail.”

Diamond Tiara whimpered, like she was about to cry. “This isn’t fair.” She whined. “We’re just fillies. You’re not supposed to be mean to fillies. This isn’t fair.”

“I think it’s extremely fair.” Discord chuckled. “After all, you weren’t so prejudiced when you were the ones hurting fillies. If you want to blame anypony, blame Celestia. It’s her side of the family that wants the cosmos to run on ‘fair’.”

“That was different.” Diamond Tiara sniffed. “I’m a filly! I’m allow to bully fillies!”

Discord chuckled. “Yes, that is fair.” He agreed. “Let me give you some professional advice Tiara. If you want to be mean to a filly, a wise villain makes certain she has more power than that filly. If you want to be mean to a grown pony, a wise villain ensures she’s more powerful than that pony. If you want to rule a nation, a wise villain gathers more power than that nation. If you want to fight an alicorn, don’t unless you’re a more powerful alicorn. And if you want to go up against a Draconequus? Well… that’s never wise.”

And with that, he walked away, moving his face away from Tiara’s just in time for the first dodgeball to smack her, leaving a great red welt. The pair of fillies ducked for cover as the other foals on the playground let their balls loose, only for them to bounce on uneven tangents, ricocheting off the field, and towards their once daily tormenters.

Discord giggled as he poofed back to the Canterlot gardens. He decided that he loved tormenting fillies. It was so easy, and yet so satisfying.

Regrettably, his incredible internal monologue about the finer points of childhood trauma was abandoned for a later date, as he heard a voice in the distance. A voice saying: “Keep your hooves off me you grimy peasant!”

Discord chuckled to himself as he turned his attention to the doubtless amusing scene. It was the perfect tableau; some high-and-mighty prince was curling his nose up in disgust, as Scootaloo’s wings buzzed with anger.

“Why would I want to touch you?” Scootaloo asked, as an equally disgusting expression formed on her face.

“Who would not want to touch the magnificent hair of Prince Blueblood?” The prince said, throwing his mane over his shoulder. “But you can’t, because you’re a grimy peasant.”

“Actually, I think I’m technically a princess or something.” Scootaloo said, tapping her chin in thought. She would have been a princess, yes, had Discord not been banished from the monarchy years ago. Still, she was probably the princess of Everfree and Htnyrbal at least.

“Of course you’re not a princess.” Blueblood said, more airily then most. Discord was beginning to get a sense of… wrongness from him. “Princesses are beautiful unicorns, not tiny pegasuses. Thank you though. My karmic instructor says I must learn to use new words every day, and I’ve been able to use ‘grimy’ twice now.”

Scootaloo glared at him. “I’m not grimy!” She yelled.

“You aren’t a unicorn, erego, you are grimy.” Blueblood explained, looking quite proud at himself for his reasoning skills. “Oooh, I just used the word ‘erego’!”

“That isn’t a word!” Scootaloo said, with a sad shake of her head.

“What are you, a dictionary?” Blueblood retorted.

“New words can be added to the dictionary every day.” Discord said, deciding to make his presence known.

His presence was indeed known, if not felt.

Blueblood rolled his eyes.

“Oh look.” He said. “The ragamuffin has a coltfriend.”

Discord was still in a foal’s body.

“An ugly coltfriend.” Blueblood continued.

An insulted foal’s body.

“No doubt he is fitting for somepony of your status.” Blueblood went on airily. “But I can see now why you desire to touch my mane.”

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know!” Scootaloo yelled angrily.

“Yes it does.” Blueblood said haughtily. “I am a prince of Equestria, you –”

“Toad!” Discord yelled, suddenly directly in front of Scootaloo, hackles on his little body raised. He’d realized what was wrong with the prince now. Why he felt so wrong. “No, you’re not a toad.” He went on. “That’s an insult to toads! And you’re an insult to life in general!”

“How dare you!” Blueblood scoffed. “I have half a mind to throw you in the dungeons for that remark –”

“I’m glad you’re not pretending I’m lying.” Discord hissed, stepping in front of Scootaloo as she tried to peer around him. “Because you are an insult. I would think Celestia made you specifically to annoy me, but not even her mind could come up with something as… as… twisted as you!”

“Well, you’re ugly.” Blueblood said. He said it in such an outrageously casual tone of voice, as if to suggest he’d won whatever argument he was in by virtue of his looks!

“Oh I’m sorry.” Discord grinned. “Let me slip into a body more comfortable.” With that, a lion’s paw and an eagle’s talons gripped the insides of the colt’s mouth, and pulled the skin apart, peeling it away to reveal the master of magnificence, the sultan of souvenirs, the tyrant of terror, Discord!

Blueblood looked up at him and said impassively; “You’re still ugly.” Then his dull eyes brightened. “Hey, transform into a mare!”

“What? No!” Discord snapped. ‘Why would you want me to… no!”

Blueblood shook his head. “Well, you’d probably be an ugly mare anyway.” He said.

“Did you not notice that the most powerful being in Equestria is towering over you!?” Discord roared.

“You’re just a statue.” Blueblood explained, poking Discord’s hoof experimentally. “I used to play on your tail when I was a kid. I never knew you could talk though.”

Discord tried not to grind his teeth. Teeth grinding hurt, and he really didn’t care for pain. But this prince was being an even bigger pain. “What you don’t know, is filling every library in Equestria.” Discord snarled. “Now go away you mop-headed fop.”

“Daddy, what’s going on?” Scootaloo whispered from behind him. “You’re acting like you’re scared.”

“I’m not scared, I’m disgusted!” Discord roared.

“It’s natural to be intimidated by my princely-ness.” Blueblood said, puffing up his chest. Then, as if the idea had just occurred to him, he said; “Erego, you are scared.” He guffawed at the thought of saying ‘erego’ twice in one day.

“Not scared! Disgusted!” Discord repeated, for the benefit of his apparently deaf audience. “I can see you. I can see all the chaos you’ve ever made. And it… repulses me.”

Scootaloo gasped. “You mean he’s made even more chaos than you?”

“Of course not!” Discord said, curling his tail around Scootaloo somewhat protectively, but definitely not protectively, because he was not scared. “I made more chaos than he did when I was a statue! Blueblood’s so devoid of any sort of chaos… it’s maddening! He’d boorishness personified! And I don’t just mean he’s so fantastically organized that he never creates chaos. Even the most uptight ponies incite some disorder into their friends. But this… thing doesn’t have any friends! Or any enemies! He’s neither hero nor villain, to any degree that counts! He’s only done two notable things in his life – he put a dent in two pony’s hearts. That’s it! He doesn’t even have a noticeable impact in the market! He just hoards his money like a dragon, using his status to get things for free, and even the status of being, say, the ‘karmic instructor’ of Prince Blueblood has the value of precisely nothing! Nopony else cares about him, and he doesn’t care about anypony else!”

“Excuse me!” Blueblood puffed his chest up. “I’ll have you know, that everypony cares about me! My advice is the top advice sought after in every corner of the fashion market, even though those absent-minded ponies still haven’t gotten around to publishing my article on solid gold drapery.” The dolt leaned in conspiratorially. “I used nine fancy words in that article. I would have done ten, but I had to dumb it down because it’s a magazine for mares.”

Discord scrunched up his nose in disgust, and decided to use words suitable to Blueblood’s level. “You. Are. Scum. Garbage. Filth. Flea-ridden manure. The only thing you’ll ever be ‘top’ of is a Trash. Heap.”

Blueblood, for the first time since the conversation started, seemed taken aback. “I am a prince –”

I interrupted him, poking him in his overinflated chest. “You are nothing but an ITCH on Celestia’s DOUBLE-WIDE FLANK!!! And the only reason she hasn’t taken the half a second she’d need from her schedule to SCRATCH YOU is because the impropriety would last longer THAN THE ITCH ITSELF!!!”

I turned to Scootaloo. “Permission to prank him general?” I asked.

“Permission granted.” Scootaloo nodded eagerly.

I snapped my fingers. Nothing apparently seemed to happen, so I took it upon myself to educate the foal.

“Try to understand me, you incredible dolt. I’ve just given you a quarter of my power. Not all of it; that never ends well. But it’s still enough to rival Princess Celestia. Be a hero. Be a villain. Be SOMETHING!! Make a mark, any mark, on Equestria. Sow chaos, sow order, sow anything. You’re a prince; you have looks, wealth, connections, an improbably well-built body for a pony who lazes as much as you do, a special talent for narcissism, the spirit of the sun for a godmother grandmother, and now you have more raw magical power then any unicorn has ever had. You have so much potential. AND YOU’RE SQUANDERING IT IN FRONT OF A MIRROR!!! You have twenty four hours to make a mark on Equestria. That’s twenty three more hours than any other pony would need, so I’m sure a ‘prince’ like yourself can handle it. If you can’t… I’ll come back for you.”

I smiled my best ‘I am imagining killing you in ways the laws of reality generally wouldn’t allow’ smile. “And I will enjoy every second of it.”

With another snap of my fingers, Blueblood was teleported back to his room.

I stood there for a while, just glaring at the spot where Blueblood used to be as Scootaloo climbed back up to her perch on my head. “Just what was he doing out here anyway?” Discord asked.

“He said he was out helping to garden, because flowers got more nutrients from his smile then from the sun.” Scootaloo explained, rolling her eyes in a way that made me inexplicably proud. “He wanted me to lie down in a puddle so he could walk over me without getting his hooves wet.”

“I need to make up a new word to describe ponies like him.” Discord growled.

“How about Furticulous?” Scootaloo asked.

Discord swiveled his head and looked at her in shock. And impressive feat, considering she was sitting on his head. “That’s actually quite an ingenius word.” He said.

Scootaloo blushed though. “I just sort of put words together.” She said, humbly.

“But to put words together in the right order to make the perfect sound of a boorish, useless, waste of space?” Discord giggled. “You have talent Scootaloo. You can go far.”

“Not on your shoulders.” Said Shining Armor. He appeared quite suddenly, rounding the bend at speeds that would make a pegasus jealous, then skidding to a stop.

Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “Hey!” She cried. “What are you doing with my skateboard?”

“I make it a point to train diligently with every aspect of my environment in case my horn is neutralized and I need a weapon.” Shining Armor explained, with a hint of pride, before glowering darkly at Discord. “What did you do?”

“Daddy.” Scootaloo whispered into Discord’s ear. “No matter what, we can’t elltway imhway e’reway at arway.”

“I can also speak pig latin and hear down to 1 decibel at half a mile’s distance.” Shining Armor said with a glower. “Discord, you are violating your parole on so many levels.”

“Well, nopony got hurt.” Discord said with a shrug.

He didn’t bother to mention the pair of foals who were getting hurt right this second. Because of course, Shining Armor was culpable in that and you could bet Discord was waiting for just the right moment to remind him.

“I’m bringing you two back to Ponyville.” Shining Armor said, decisively.

“Aaaaaaw, no fair!” Scootaloo whined. She jumped down off of Discord’s head and wrapped herself around shining Armor’s forehooves. “Can we please keep going a little longer? We haven’t even pranked the Princesses yet!”

Shining Armor’s eyes widened, and he picked Scootaloo up. “Then it’s a good thing I came when I did. We’re going home now!” He glared at Discord. “And this incident is going into Cadence’s Family-Report!”

“Brainwasher!” Discord said, disguising the word in a hacking cough.

“What was that?” Shining Armor asked.

“Hay fever.” I replied, sauntering up to Shining Armor. “Say, have you met Soylent?”

“Soylent?” Shining Armor asked, eyebrow raised.

“The alfalfa mare, remember?” Scootaloo asked. “We found her, and dad made her a real sister!”

Shining Armor glared at Discord. “I hope you didn’t tell Scootaloo what her name means.” He said pointedly.

Discord shrugged. “Actually Scootaloo named her. I wanted to call her Rabbit Bait.”

“What!?” Shining Armor spun around at Scootaloo.

The filly blushed. “I… uh… I like to sneak into movies. Sometimes.” She admitted.

Shining Armor glared back at me.

“It’s not his fault!” Scootaloo said angrily. “I snuck into movies before I even met him!”

“Yes, I’m not the source of every evil in the world Shiny.” Discord said, rolling his eyes at the goody two-shoes’ naiveté. “I just derive my power from every evil in the world. You’re mixing up your causes and effects.”

Shining Armor looked angry.

“If you kill me Princess Cadence will write to Celestia about it!” I pointed out quickly.

Shining Armor considered this for a moment, then shook his head and growled. “Come on. We’re going back to ponyville before anything else happens.”

“I’ve just figured out Discord turned me into a cannibal.” Soylent Green said suddenly, as she came walking around a corner with flowers in her mouth. “And I’m surprisingly okay with this.”

Shining Armor looked like he was going to be sick. It seemed he’d seen that movie. Someday, Discord resolved, he would see a movie too. “Soylent… Green I take it?”

“Nope.” Solent replied. “I’m Soylent Red.” She held out a hoof, somehow making the very gesture sarcastic.

“Er…” Said Shining Armor, who didn’t know how to respond to sarcasm very well.

“Look.” Said I, changing tactics. “I don’t want us to be enemies, Shining Aaaaarmowahahahahahaha!!!”

I almost made it through that one with a straight face! Don’t judge me!

“Okay!” I said, wiping tears out of my eyes. “Okay, seriously. Shining Armor. We’re going. We’re vamoosing Canterlot. Happy?”

“Aaaw, daaad…” Scootaloo whined in silent plea.

How in the world could I turn down such a desperate plea for merriment?

“But we’re going on a side-trip into space.” I continued.

“Yay!” Scootaloo and Soylent cheered.

“No!” Shining Armor said firmly. “No, were a not going into space. We are going back to Ponyville, where Scootaloo will apologize for not going to school and –”

“Too late!” And I snapped my fingers.

Scootaloo, Shining Armor and I beamed out of existence, and then back in. Amidst the swirls of brilliant light, shapes began to emerge. The room was white, with lots of fun-looking lights that blinked. A canopy at the front showed the clear stars, just tantalizingly out of reach. Scootaloo was placed in the chair in the center of the room, wearing a yellow shirt, while Shining Armor and I were behind her, Shining wearing a red shirt, and no mane.

This was the U.S.S. Enterprise.

“We’re in a spaceship.” Shining Armor gasped. He looked like somepony put icewater down his pants (take note; new prank for anypony who wears pants).

“Yes, the best spaceship I could find.” I said with a preen.

Scootaloo looked around with wide eyes. “Wow…” She breathed. “Where’d you get this cool spaceship?”

I preened just a little bit more. “I borrowed it from an alternate dimension.” I explained.

“What’s an alternate dimension?” Scootaloo asked.

“I’ll explain when you’re older.” I said with a shrug. “It’s probably a bit too complicated for a filly as young as you to understand. When you can understand parallel dimension theory, then we’ll cover alternate dimensions.”

Shining Armor felt around his head, almost in a wild panic. “Why am I bald?” He asked.

“I needed something to trade the ship for.” I explained. “And my friend on the other side really liked your mane.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow, probably confused about me having a ‘friend’, and then looked down. “And why am I wearing a red shirt?”

“Because a Draconequi can dream.” I sighed wistfully.

It’s an in-joke, you probably won’t get it.

“Discord.” Shining Armor said, lowering his horn at me as calmly as he could. “We are in space, separated from a near instant death only by the flimsy steel walls of a probably stolen vehicle. Get us back to Equestria. Now.”

After a brief pause, I nonchalantly asked; “Are you afraid of heights?”

There was a very, very tense pause.

“Uh… where’s Soylent?” Scootaloo asked, hoping to distract us from waging war.

“She’s in the engine room.” I said, pointing helpfully to the control console on the Captain’s chair.
Scootaloo pushed the button. “Uh… hey Soylent? You there?”

“No, I’m elsewhere.” Soylent said through the radio. “And I’m wearing a shirt that clashes with my coat color.”

“Soylent! We’re on a spaceship!” Scootaloo said. “This is so awesome! We’re higher up than even Rainbow dash has gone!”

Shining Armor gulped.

“It’s cool.” Soylent admitted. “But a lot of the lights down here are blinking. And I don’t think that’s a good thing.

“Ah, which lights are those?” I asked, being the only crew member present who was well versed in alternate dimensional quantum mechanics.

“Um… well there’s a round black thing with a green thing in the middle, and the black is slowly turning red, lick a waning moon.” Soylent explained.

“Oh, that’s the proximity scanner.” Discord said, grinning at Shining Armor. “It means we’re approaching something really big. Isn’t space fun?”

Shining Armor’s eyes widened, and he looked out of the window. There, just out of the window, was a gaping maw in the darkness, beckoning, towering taller than even the Canterlot royal Castle.

“Wow…” Scootaloo gasped, eyes widening with a rather morbid curiosity.

“We are turning around right now.” Shining Armor whispered.

“Oh relax.” I said to my scaredy-cat crew. “It’s only The Behemoth. It wanders around looking for cakes to eat, completely harmless. Quite friendly.”

“Awesome.” Scootaloo giggled. “Hey, can I talk to it?”

“Seventh button down.” I pointed.

“No don’t!” Shining Armor cried.

But it was too late. The button had been pushed. The saucer-like top of the enterprise opened up, and a megaphone unfolded out of it. And with a great cry, Scootaloo made first contact.

“HEY BEHEMOTH!!!”

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

I loved watching my sister work.

Despite how inane some of these nobles could be, she still held the same amount of love for them as her other subjects, and she made sure to deal with every topic the court brought to her. And somehow, even more miraculously, she managed to maintain her respect with a bite-mark in her mane.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the bite-mark became a haute culture fashion statement by the end of the week.

I tried to disrupt the court as little as I could as I delivered my sister a letter. Still, all eyes turned to me, and the court went quiet as I strode up to my sister. “From Shining Armor.” I whispered, ensuring nopony in the court could hear me, despite the natural silence of the court.

She nodded, and I turned to leave. Just because I admire my sister’s natural grace doesn’t mean I have what it takes to be stared at by ponies every day.

But as I was leaving, some noble of the court called out to me;

“Hey behemoth!”

I froze, scarcely imagining that what I just heard was real. The court was silent. Nopony said a word. It would seem nopony dared after the comment.

“Hey behemoth!”

I spun around, incensed. “Who dares!?” I snarled at the assembled ponies.

“Luna…?” Celestia looked at me with concern as the other nobles flinched away.

“Who dares call their Princess fat!!?” I roared.

More stunned silence.

And then again; “Hey behemoth! Do you want some cake!?”

“We do not desire cake!!” I erupted, in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “We are the Princess of the Night! We have been called evil, bloodthirsty, strange, freakish, insane, stupid, and many other psaltry names, but not once have we been called fat! Until now! Who has dared level this insult!? LET HIM STEP FORTH, AND BACK UP HIS WORDS WITH ACTION!!!”

“I made you a really big cake because you’re a really big behemoth!”

My scream of fury could have been heard in the Minotaur continents.

“Sister!” I turned, and glared at Celestia as she sat on her throne reading Shining Armor’s letter. “Doth this please you to sit and watch as we are mocked!?”

Celestia put the letter away, finished with the reading. She stood, and strode calmly over to her sister, leaning forward so that they were all most touching.

“My dear sister.” Celestia said, squinting at me. “I do believe you have something in your mane.”

And then I felt something spongy and sticky strike my inner ear.

~~/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/~~

“Why isn’t it eating the cake?” Scootaloo asked, watching in disappointment as the cake slid down the inside of Luna’s ear, leaving a trail of icing.

“It is eating it.” I told her, barely holding in my giggles. “That’s how it eats; it lets things slide down, until they meet the teeth and such deeper inside.”

“This is a bad idea.” Shining Armor said, as bluntly as ever.

“Then why do you go along with it?” Soylent asked.

“Because I need to protect Scootaloo from this maniac.” Shining Armor answered. “And if you have a better way to do it, I’m all ears.”

“Well, maybe flying away would be a good idea.” Soylent said. “There’s another big red thing on the black circle thing.”

Eyes widening, all three of us looked out of the window. There was a fireball shooting through space heading straight for us!

“Evasive maneuvers!” Scootaloo yelled. “I’ve always wanted to say that! Evasive maneuvers!”

“On it!” Shining Armor leaped at the controls… and then stared blankly at them.

“That’s the radio.” I pointed out helpfully.

“Scootaloo, come here!” Shining Armor yelled. He hugged the little filly close, and cast a shield spell around them, big enough for the two of them.

I thought back to the fireball racing towards us, to the close brush with death I’d had just this morning, to the past thousand years locked in stone… and to Princess Luna’s face as she heard a little filly in her head calling her fat.

“WWWOOOORRRRTTTHHH IIIIIIT!!!” I cackled, as the fireball engulfed us.

Why yes, there are benefits to being insane.

And then we weren’t in space any more. We were outside, back in the royal gardens, Shining Armor’s mane restored, with her royal snootiness herself glaring at us.

“Oh maaaan…” Scootaloo and I moaned in unison.

“Scootaloo, are you alright?” Celestia asked.

“Uh… yeah.” Scootaloo nodded. “It was pretty cool though, that fireball. Was that you?”

Shining Armor fell flat on his face, his horn making an imprint in the ground. “I am so sorry your majesty!” He cried. “I tried to stop them! I just…”

“It’s alright Shining Armor.” Princess Celestia said, with a nod. “I couldn’t have expected you to stop Discord if Scootaloo didn’t allow it.”

She sent Scootaloo ‘the look’. Oh how we hated ‘the look’ when we were kids. Celestia looked like her mother when she did that.

“Um…” Scootaloo said, shrinking under the eyeballs of a mother with godlike powers.

“What happened Scootaloo?” Celestia asked. “What were you thinking?”

Scootaloo quickly shifted her eyes to me and Shining Armor for encouragement. “I… uh… I wanted to spend some more time with my dad. And he wanted to start a prank war, and I figured pranks were okay, because Rainbow Dash does pranks all the time.”

Princess Celestia sighed, and looked at Discord. “And what do you have to say for yourself?” She asked.

I shrugged. “I don’t know what you expect.” I said with a smirk. “I’m Discord. You know as well as I do, that the only way to be an Alicorn is to represent the full spirit of who you are. You knew that I could never change when you let me free. Frankly, if I were you I’d be even more worried if I started to behave.”

Celestia sighed, and shook her head sadly. “And yet the sun is a symbol of hope. So how can I not be hopeful?” She asked.

Did she turn into an idiot while I was a statue?

“You win Discord.” She said, firmly. “I’m waving the white flag. It’s over. Done. You’ve won the Seventh Great Prank War, just like you won half of the others. I can’t play this game anymore… I won’te play this game anymore. I know you never thought much of it when you were king, but I have ponies who depend on me. This stops. You win. I won’t retaliate. Just go back to Ponyville.”

She did. She turned into a fool.

I was tempted to say it to her face, but instead decided to say; “Throw in a gallon of chocolate milk, and we have a deal.”

“Done.” Princess Celestia said, much to my shock. The princess was actually serious about this whole ‘no more pranks’ thing!

“And a tree.” Soylent added. “A chocolate tree.”

Princess Celestia suddenly shifted her gaze to the fourth member of our merry band. “Ah… I’m sorry who are you?”

“I’m Soylent Green.” Soylent said. “I’m Scootaloo’s big sister, and I’m a cannibal.”

Celestia’s eyes had the most comical size, as if she were caught on camera scarfing down cakes. She looked to Shining Armor for confirmation.

He shrugged. “She’s mostly harmless.” He said.

Celestia nodded, pensively. “Alright. A tree too.”

“And, ah…” I decided to say. “That spaceship wasn’t exactly mine…”

“It was not destroyed and has been returned to it’s proper dimension and owners.” Celestia said, with a sterner tone in her voice. “Anything else?”

“Cake?” Scootaloo asked, hungry from our prank on Luna.

“A spa?” Soylent asked, noticing how long her mane was.

“Freedom from the shackles of buerocratic tyranny?” I asked, holding out my hands as if urging her to uncuff me.

She rolled her eyes. “Cadence will prepare your cake, I suggest talking to Rarity about that, and no absolutely not.”

I shrugged. “It was worth a shot.” Said I.

Celestia turned to Shining Armor. “Escort them back to Ponyville.” She told him. “And it occurs to me… in order to be a proper father, one needs a job. Discord has been unemployed for four days now. Any longer, and we might have grounds to incarcerate him again.”

“WHAT!?” I roared, knowing what was coming.

Celestia leveled her gaze at me. “You have too much time on your hands Discord.” She said. “Get. A. Job.”

“A job?” I asked, incredulously. “You want me to get a job? Me!? The spirit of Discord? A repetitive task done at regular intervals daily? Lowering myself to be bossed around by a pony? Are you serious?”

Celestia nodded.

I pondered. “Perhaps.” Said I. “I could be an entrepreneurial toilet salespony?”

“If you’re talking about the pigeons, I’ve already found out what you did to them, and reversed the spell.” Celestia informed me with a smirk. “Get a job Discord. A real job. If you can’t humble yourself enough, you can’t be a father, and you’re going back in my garden. With the pigeons.” And with that, she flew away.

“Busted.” Soylent snickered.

“Do you know, I think she purposefully put pigeons in her garden a thousand years ago just to bug you.” Scootaloo told me, with an unprecedented amount of insight.

I harrumphed. “Fine.” Said I. “Come on, war’s over, let’s go back to Ponyville.”

It was easy to get a train ride home (oh my goodness, I actually have a ‘home’ how bizarre). We trained home in silence. At least, Shining Armor and I were silent, Scootaloo was explaining the nature of a ‘big sister’ to Soylent, and playing games, and other assorted ‘stuff’.

When we finally pulled into the Ponyville platform, it was sunset. Shining Armor sighed, as Scootaloo and Soylent eagerly hopped out of the train before us.

Princess Cadence met us on the platform, with Scootafuax and Discoot. Much to Shining Armor’s frustration, she greeted all four of us with a hug.

“Are you all alright?” She asked.

“We’re fine.” Shining Armor said. “But Discord is in hot water, we need another room for Soylent here, and Scootaloo missed a day of school.”

“Don’t worry!” Scootaloo clone number one said. “I already did all of your homework for you!”

“Awesome!” Scootaloo cheered.

“And I made friends with a zebra!” The fake me exclaimed heartily. “And a pretty mare asked us on a date!”

“Too much information.” I sighed. “Back to the clone pool with you.”

And with a snap of my fingers, I sent them off, before they could do or say anything to convince the others that just because they were clones didn’t mean they weren’t ponies in their own right. It would have been bad for Scootaloo, I think.

“Hey, that was cool!” Looking up, we saw a strange sight. A small alligator, wearing a big smile (made even bigger by the oversized dentures it was wearing) and a strap-on helicopter backpack thing. she said, in her bright chirpy Pinkie-Pie voice; “Hey Discord, how’d you make a copy of yourself? Oh! That would be so much fun if I could do it too! I could play tic-tac-toe against myself, I could throw myself a welcome-to-Ponyville party, I could play with both of the Cake twins at the same time…”

I really didn’t even need to think about the answer. “Just go a ways into the Everfree, past some thorny trees, and down a hole, and recite a poem in front of the mirrorpool.” I instructed her.

“Oki Doki Loki!” She chirped. “Oh and by the way…”

I hadn’t noticed the train leaving the station. Nor had I noticed a certain cerulean mare tying a rope connecting it to my tail.
But then it took off! I flailed about wildly, trying to find anything I could use for purchase as it dragged me along, but to no avail. I was dragged off of the platform, and I was still flailing, when the rope was cut, and I stumbled (tenders first!) into a sing next to the platform which read;

CAUTION signs next to this railroad may be hazardous if met at high speeds.

“… Pain.” I muttered.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash hovered over me, Pinkie Pie unzipping her alligator suit. “We’re the greates pranksters in Ponyville!” Pinkie Pie explained.

“And don’t you forget it!” Rainbow Dash scoffed, and the pair of them flew away.

“…Pain.” I repeated, because pain.

Shining Armor was still laughing, and I was still limping when we passed Twilight on the way back to House. She was smashing her new glasses with her hoof, and smiling. “I guess I don’t need these any more.” She said to Screwball.

“You mean you don’t have OCD?” Screwball asked.

“Nope.” Twilight said with a smile.

“You’re cured!” Screwball declared, much to Twilight’s confusion. “Well done Ms. Sparkle, you’ve made a remarkable recovery, thanks to the Screwball method! Be sure to recommend me to all of your friends!”

“That crazy mare.” Applejack muttered, as Screwball flew off into the distance.

“Spike, take a note.” Twilight commanded. And when her little Purple Chihuahua Slave complied, she began to dictate; “Dear Princess Celestia. Today I learned that, you can’t let somepony else dictate your life for you. You are who you choose to be, not how others may think you are. You can’t let a rumor or diagnosis or an expectation rule your life. Your Faithful Student; Twilight Sparkle.”

I snorted off to the side. “What a ridiculous aesop.” I muttered. You were what you were, and you couldn’t live a life pretending to be something else.

Shining Armor spared me a sidelong glance, and then shared a look with his princess. With a sigh, he started flapping his noise-makers.

“Look, Discord, apparently despite your readily apparent flaws, the Princess genuinely wants you to reform.” He said. “So here’s what’ll happen… if you can find a job by tomorrow, no matter what that job is I’ll work at it with you.”

There were gasps from all sides, and a wide wicked grin from me. “You brave, brave pony!” Princess Cadence said, hugging Shining Armor close to her.

“You fool.” Soylent added. “You absolute fool.”

“Well that makes tomorrow somewhat more interesting.” I said with a smile, already planning the next day’s events.

Author's Note

As for the Star Trek reference – I’ve never even watched an episode of TNG. So I leave it up to you to decide which is funnier; Discord is friends with Q, and so got Q to lend him the enterprise in exchange for Shining Armor’s mane OR Discord is Q, and he convinced Picard to lend him the Enterprise in exchange for Shining Armor’s mane.

L to the O the to L!!!