As It Were

by Minotaur

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 39982

Sex, drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll! No, just kidding. It's actually just a HiE.

Teleportation: Once just a dream, but recent breakthroughs in technology changed that. However, this technology is still in the testing phase, and very unpredictable. Oporture, the company behind this amazing teleportation device, has been hiring people to test the safety and effects of the portals. This is where our protagonist, Stan Baine, begins his misadventure.

* EDIT 12-9-12* I decided to rewrite this story into first person, as I remembered how much I hated third-person. All the chapters will be up again soon, I apologize for the inconvenience.

P.S. This story takes place before "Keep Calm and Flutter On".

Published 2012-06-13 05:14:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-21 17:00:02 UTC

Humble Beginnings

"Right this way, sir." The somewhat attractive brunette said as she led me down a corridor. With a sigh, I couldn't help but think about my current situation. I just couldn't believe I was going through with this.

"Uhm, Mr. Baine? We're here."

Well. No turning back now, huh? Whatever.

I was lead into a completely white room littered with strange machines, all making some sort of buzzing or beeping noise. It sounded horrendous, almost as if it was designed to make you mad.

I turned my head and noticed three scientist, complete with labcoats and all, walking towards me. The smaller one in the front smiled at me and said, "Aaah, Mr. Baine! We have been expecting you. My name is Dr. Lancaster, and I am the scientist spearheading this unique operation. I do hope you liked your walk through Oporture. Are the facilities to your liking?"

Great. A smartass scientist who thinks he's the shit. They're near the top on my List of People I Hate, along with politicians.

"Uh, sure... They were alright. Too much science, though. Not trying to be rude, but can we just get on with this? I have other places to be." Somehow, I managed to say all that with a friendly smile.

Dr. Lancaster smiled and said, "Of course, Mr. Baine! We just need to warm up the machine. I trust you have no electronics on you?"

"I mean, I have a watch on, is it that big of a problem?"

"OF COURSE!" the tiny frame which belonged to Dr. Lancaster boomed.

"Ah, do excuse me for that. I did not mean to yell, it's just that this machine is very delicate, and we have had disastrous results when electronic devices are introduced to the quantum teleportation rays of-"

"Fine, fine! Sorry I asked! I'll just take it off, no need to lecture me."

"I'm glad to see you understand!" Dr. Lancaster chuckled.

As I took off my watch, I couldn't help but reminisce about the past. My life seemingly flashed before my eyes.
Five years old. My dad leaves me.
Ten years old. My mother dies in a car wreck.
Ten years old. I start living with my grandma.
Fourteen years old. My grandmother is steadily becoming more sickly. Her coughs just refused to go away.
Sixteen years old. My grandma is informed she has lung cancer.
Eighteen years old. My grandma is at the hospital 24/7. I try and do all I can for her, but I just don't have the money.
Eighteen years old. In a desperate attempt to earn enough money for my grandmother's surgery, I enlist in the Marine Corps.
Nineteen years old. My grandmother dies. With nowhere else to go, I stay in the Marines.
Twenty-two years old. I am diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I get prescribed some pills to take care of it temporarily. This gets me kicked out of the Marines, for "safety concerns."
Three days ago. I see an ad online to earn some easy cash. All I need to do is give them my name and address and sign a liability waiver. I quickly do this, but then realize that I'm basically going to be used as a guinea pig.
Today. I am one of the first humans that will experience being teleported. They are basically trying to test the safety and effects of the teleportation device, hence the waiver..

"Mr. Baine? Mr. Baine!"

I snapped out of my daze. No sense in thinking about the past, just keep on moving ahead.

"Yeah, yeah. Is the damn machine ready?"

"'Damn machine'? Yes, 'the damn machine' is ready, so to speak. Just step in there." Dr. Lancaster motions to a door.

With a sigh, I walked over and pushed open the door. Well. Here goes nothing. Fuck my life.

I stepped into the room, which looked like something out of a sci-fi novel. Almost the whole room was covered in metal, except for a glass window, which the scientist used to keep an eye on everything, and some blue circle in the middle.
There was an odd feeling in my gut. I quickly dismissed it as just being nervous.

"Ah, can you hear me, Mr. Baine? I won't be able to hear you, so just nod your head yes or no."

I nodded at the scientist.

"Great! Now, if you would be so kind as to step in the middle, we can get started."

I looked over, and saw the scientist was motioning at the blue glass-like circle in the middle of the room. I walked over and stand on top of it.

"Good, good. We are going to start now, but be warned, this may hurt a tad bit."

Dr. Lancaster walks over a flips a few switches, then pulls a lever down.

A huge lever starts the machine? How stereotypical. Fuckin' scient—
My thought is cut short as light starts to come out from the circle beneath me, and from above by an as of yet, unidentified source. I look up, and see a half-orb made of the same material as the circle beneath him sticking out of the ceiling. I feel none of the promised pain, but instead a light, tingly feeling.

"Good, everything seems to be proceeding smoothly. Now to bump it up to stage two."

Dr. Lancaster pulled a second lever, adjacent to the first.

With a grim smile, I laughed to my myself. My spider senses tell me that if I'm gonna die from this, right now is probably when things will go wrong.

Arcs of lightning start to appear from the orb, and traverse down my body, before landing and being absorbed by the circle. This caused an unpleasant feeling, and made my hair stand on end.

One of Dr. Lancaster's assistants whispers, "For some reason, the plasma bolts seem to be focused more on his left side than his right."

Dr. Lancaster looks at his assistant, and says, "It must be your imagination. Things are going SO WELL, and we need to continue."

He turned to the microphone and said,"Mr. Baine! We are proceeding to stage three. This is the stage the actual teleportation happens. Relax yourself! Things seem to be going just fine."

Wow, I'm not dead yet! I guess I should give these scientists a bit of slack.
But then, a sudden pain in my left thigh told me it may not be over.

Dr. Lancaster's eyes widen. He finally saw the peculiar spectacle his assistant had described, and realized what was going on.
"Mr. Baine! Mr. Baine! Check your left pocket!"

I checked my pocket, and pulled out an iPod touch.

Realizing that I was in some deep shit, I snickered. "Shit."

Suddenly, the iPod got jerked from my hands. It seemingly floated in the air, being held in place by the lightning constantly circling around it. Remembering how Dr. Lancaster flipped a shit when I asked him why bringing in electronics was bad, I knew that I probably wouldn't walk away fine from this. Called it, didn't I? Only a bit later than I expected. Oh well, not like anyone's gonna miss me.

"Oh god... Tim, Zack, I recommend we get out of here as soon as possible." Dr. Lancaster starts backing away, eager to get the hell out of the mess Stan had made.

The assistants look on, as Stan just stays where he is.
"You don't mean we're just gonna leave him in there, right?"

"IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT! JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE WHILE WE STILL CA-"
Boom.

"Aaah, I'm SO bored." Princess Luna says, to no one in particular. It was night in Equestria, and Princess Luna was watching over the Principality she ruled with her sister. A sudden, unnatural flash and explosion in the distance piqued her interest. A smile suddenly grows on her face, as she realizes this night may not be as boring as she once thought. She spreads her majestic wings, and flies off towards the forest the flash seemingly came from.

I opened my eyes and looked around. The only color I could see was white. Everywhere. No end, no beginning, just white.
So. This is limbo, huh? Not a bad place. It's very peaceful. No sound. No annoying people. Just... me. Alone. Ah, I'm still kinda... sleepy... I've got all the time in.... the world.... might as... well... sleep...

As Princess Luna arrived at the forest, she saw a very peculiar sight. Some strange creature was sprawled in the middle of a crater, grasping what seems to be a piece of metal in his... claws? As Luna looked over the strange creature, she noticed many scratches on the creature's body. She put two and two together, and looked up. Many tree branches were bent or broken. Suddenly worried that it might be dead, she gasped and slid down the crater. After a quick check to make sure it's breathing, she pondered on what to do.

Poor thing must have fallen while flying. But, I've never seen one of these things around here! Should I just leave it here?I can't bring it back with me... but it is hurt! I don't want to let it die. Besides, I'm curious as to what it is. Celestia will probably know.

She decides to take it back with her. A flash of her horn, and she teleported herself and the creature back to Canterlot. What she didn't realize, was that she just set in motion a series of events which would change Equestria forever.

Wake me, when you need me.

"What do you think it is, sister?" Luna's cyan eyes gazed at the strange creature she had brought to the castle.

"... That, I do not know. In my thousand years of ruling over Equestria, I have never encountered one of its kind. This intrigues me greatly." Princess Celestia let out a sigh. "However, it also worries me. What if this creature is violent? I do not wish to place any of my subjects in harm's way. As such, I have no choice but to place it in a cell for now, and see how it acts when it wakes up."

Princess Luna's eyes widened. "What?? It hasn't even done anything wrong. You can't be so sure that it will be violent!"

This conversation obviously pained Celestia, and she closed her eyes. "We have no way of making sure. It is not worth the risk."

Luna appeared ready to argue again, but a groan from the creature made her remember something else. "That's right! When I found it, it was laying in the middle of a crater! I think it might have fallen and hurt itself. Tia, can you help me heal it?"

Celestia's eyes flicked down to look over the creature. Indeed, it appeared to have gone through a fairly hard fall. Cuts, dried blood, and the beginnings of bruises decorated its body all over. Celestia took pity on its dismal condition. She looked at Luna, and nodded her head.

"Yes, and after all, it won't tell us what happened if it is in pain."

Luna's eyes widened a bit. "You mean it can talk? How did you figure that out?"

Princess Celestia chuckled at her sister's fascination. "Yes, I do believe it can talk. But as to how I know, that story will have to wait, Luna. It is hurt and needs medical attention."

Luna nodded at her sister, and their horns lit up. However, nothing seemed to be happening to the creature's wounds.

Princess Celestia looked at Luna, and Luna stared right back.

"Luna, how did you say you got it here?"

"T-teleportation? It worked fine though. I have no idea why our healing magic isn't working."

This seemed to bother Princess Celestia, but she decided to figure it out later. No sense in just sitting around while this creature is in pain.

"Very well." Celestia walked over to the captain of the guard who had been standing nearby during this whole ordeal, as he refused to leave the two princesses alone with a potential threat. "Call in a guard, preferably an Earth pony, and have him take the creature to a cell in the dungeon. After that, find a nurse to take care of its wounds. Make sure they are ponies we can trust."

The captain nodded, and left.

"Why all the secrecy, Tia?"

Celestia let out a sigh, and faced her sister. "I have a strange feeling about our guest, and I'd rather not let everypony in Canterlot know about this matter yet. In the meantime, I wish to speak with you in a more private place."

After the door to Princess Celestia's bedroom closed, she turned around to face Luna. "Now that we are alone, it is time for me to fully explain everything I have noticed to you, dear sister. We should sit down, this might take a while."
Celestia's horn glowed yellow, and two couches zoomed over. They both sat down and got comfortable, and Luna excitedly waited for Celestia to reveal her knowledge.

"So? You never DID say how you figured out it could talk. How do you know? Does it speak Equestrian?"

Celestia shook her head. " Even if it speaks, it will not be our language, but there is some magic that could help with that. As to how I know, that is very simple. Think about its body, Luna. What do you remember?"

Princess Luna tries to recall the creatures body, trying to see what her sister might have been talking about. Then, it hits her. "Ah! It was wearing clothes!"

Celestia smiles. "Yes. That leads me to believe that if it can dress itself, it can speak as well. But that's not all. You said it fell, right?"

Luna looks puzzled at this question. "Yeah? It definitely fell from the sky." No matter how hard she thought, Luna could not even begin to fathom what Celestia could be hinting at. So what if it had fallen? Unless...

Celestia frowned, and slowly started talking."But, how do you think it could be in the sky, when it has no wings? How would it be possible at all for it to be so high in the air, it created a crater when it landed?"

Luna shook her head, amazed. Her sister never ceased to amaze her, with her attention to detail. "That's right, I don't remember seeing any wings. Then, how do you think it flew?"

"As to that, I have no idea. I believe it was either somepony carrying it, or it might have had something to do with the strange piece of metal it was holding on to. But for now, we should get some rest." Celestia sighed and said, "I have a feeling we won't be getting much after a certain guest awakens."

Luna nodded, and started walking off to her room. However, she was interrupted when a out of breath guard bursts open the door. As soon as Celestia sees the look on my face, she fears for the worst.

In between gasping, the guard managed to say,"I-it's awake."

As I came to, I became aware of how painful my entire body felt. Every time I tried to move a muscle, pain shot through me like a red-hot bullet. I took a deep breath, and stopped moving. After a few minutes of no movement and deep breaths, the pain had receded to a bearable level, a trick my grandma had taught me. Anyways, I'm a little disappointed I'm not in limbo. That place was kinda cool. I guess it was just a dream.

I opened my eyes, and saw another pair of eyes looking right back down on me. Eyes too big to belong to a human. I let out a surprised yell, and so did whatever owned those giant eyes. In a flash, it had jumped to the corner of the room. I looked around in a panic, and saw that I was in a cell-like room. After a few seconds of gaining my bearings, I sat up and looked at the shocked creature huddled in the corner of my cell. It appeared somewhat like a horse, except colorful, with giant eyes. And it had a horn on its head, reminiscent of a unicorn.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. Instead of dying, I get sent to some other god-forsaken planet with multicolored horse creatures? Fuckin' Lancaster screwed me over! I tilt my head, and frowned at the colorful creature. Was I about to be dissected by this sonuva-

The door to the cell was flung open and a guard ran inside. "Nurse! I heard screaming, what's going o..." The guard looked at me, and clenched his teeth, scowling. "So, you were trying to hurt her, scum? After all we did for you..." He grimaces at me , and slowly approaches me.

Was I hearing things, or did it just speak English? Whatever, as he doesn't look too happy with me, I should probably get away before I get a bullet in my head, or worse.
I jumped up from the bed I was sitting on, and charged at my assailant. The guard was so surprised he stepped to the side, trying to avoid my charge.

I smirked. Just like I planned it.

I run right past the guard and out into what I guessed to be a dungeon. I quickly spotted a staircase, and ran towards it. I let out a cry of victory, but it was cut short as more guards came to check on the commotion. They blocked the way to the stairs, and the one in front, dressed in different armor than the rest, yelled out, "Don't let it get away! Subdue it before it harms the princesses or other innocent ponies!"

I laughed to himself. So they think they're ponies? That would be funny, if it wasn't for the fact that I'm about to be killed by them.
I decided my tactic of charging wouldn't work unarmed against this number of enemies, and instead I looked for another way to get past. I spotted what appears to be another way out on the other end of the dungeon and ran towards it. I was quickly followed by my pursuers, who were much faster than me. However, I quickly saw my mistake. The corridor I had been following was a dead end. Fuck my spider-senses! You've been wrong twice today.

I turned around, and faced the horde chasing after me. No way outta this, except for fighting my way out.

"It realized it's trapped! It's gonna try to fight back now, don't let your guard down."

The guards formed a barrier between escape and a dead end, yet again. They were waiting for me to make the first move, I realized. And if they're waiting for me, it'd be impolite to keep them waiting, no?

I put up my fists, my years of training taking over. In my youth, I had won Karate tournaments several times. After that, boxing. I had been right at home in the Marines. Talented at fighting, and even more talented at getting out of sticky situation, I was feeling pretty good about this fight. I took my chances and ran at the one nearest to me, who had been giving all the orders up until now. A lightning-quick hook to the face, and it was a OHKO. The other guards were stunned at this display, and lost the morale they had built up from chasing me into a dead end. They were even less willing to fight me now, after seeing my capabilities.

I snickered. They were just like a gang of bullies from high school. You take out the leader, and they all get fidgety.

I saw that it was now or never, and with a yell, charged at the armor-clad creatures blocking me from the exit. Some decided to get out of the way, while only a few actually stood to face me, shaking all the while. A jab here, a kick there, soon the few in my way were on the ground as well. I dashed with all my might at the stairs, and looked back to see that I wasn't even seriously being followed. Pussies. Leaving it up to the others, huh?

I nearly kicked down the door at the top of the staircase, and ran out. I looked out a nearby window, and saw that it was night. I looked down, willing to jump out, but I couldn't see a good landing spot. Oh well. I'll just storm out the front entrance then. I was expecting more resistance, but these things are really weak. My only problem now appears to be finding my way out, as this place looks huge.

I look around, seeing doors and hallways leading to god knows where. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. I pick you! I chuckled as I ran down a random hallway.

I couldn't help but be impressed with the decor planted everywhere. This must be a pretty important place, maybe even the king's residence. Those things said something about a princess, right? Ah well. Won't matter to me after I get the hell outta here.

As Princess Celestia gazed at the scene around her, she couldn't help but gasp. The worst possible had happened: the creature had been violent after all. There was several guards laying on the ground, with bruises placed haphazardly over their bodies. Celestia noted that most bruises seemed to be focused around the heads, in places which the helmet didn't cover. Not only is it violent, it is also good at what it does. A shiver goes down her spine as she imagines what could happen if it wasn't contained.

"So? Where is it?" Celestia's voice boomed.

The guards looked nervously at each other, and the captain of the guard spoke up, looking ashamed of himself. "It got away. It is running through the castle as we speak." Celestia's eyes widened. Luna, who had been standing off to the side this entire time, felt guilty for bringing such a violent creature into the castle. Celestia walked over to Luna, and her horn was enveloped in a yellow light.
The light died away, and she turned to her sister. "I found it. I'm going after it, you stay here and help."

Luna was shocked. "Sister! You can't go after it alone! I'm going with you. Besides, this is all my fault, and I would feel too guilty if you cleaned up my mess."

Celestia let out a deep sigh. "I feared you would say that. Come along, and let's stop it before anypony else is hurt."

I sat down, exhausted by my speedy flight. No matter where I went, it seemed that the exit avoided me. After this quick rest, I need to go again. They'll probably catch up to me soon with reinforcements. As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I heard hooves. Come on, can't a man rest in this place? I looked up and prepared myself for the inevitable conflict with an army, instead I saw only two coming at me. They looked much different than the ones I had encountered so far, with jewelry, crowns, horns, wings, and hair that seemed to sway, moved by a wind only it could feel. My amazement was short-lived, however, when they both got ready to beat me down.

My instincts told me this was a fight I had very little chances of winning, and that I should get away. However, before I could as much as get up, the taller, white one's horn glowed yellow and a... shield of sorts surrounded me. I jumped up and hit the shield with all my might, only to see that it didn't even move an inch. I looked at the two, and saw they were both within the barrier as well. I realized it wasn't to hold me down or contain my movement, but to make sure I couldn't escape from them. Clever, my dear horse. I turned to face the duo. The taller one's face was full of tranquil fury, like an angry monk, or something. The shorter, blue one seemed to almost be... sad?

I looked at the yellow shield, and then at the taller one, and stated, "That's cheating."

Their facial expressions quickly changed to shock as they realized they can understand what I said.

The shorter one gasped and said, "You.. you speak Equestrian? Who taught you it?"

I laughed. "Actually, I was wondering who taught you English."

The taller one stepped forward, and gazed intently at me. "If you understand our language, that just makes things easier. My name is Princess Celestia, and this is my sister, Princess Luna. My sister kindly took you in after finding you unconscious, but you don't seem to be very thankful."

I snorted. "Thankful? So, I should be thankful your little lackeys were trying to dissect me, and then tried to kill me several times when I woke up? Doesn't seem so to me."
Celestia's mouth opened a bit, unsure of what to say.
Princess Luna seemed to understand the situation more than her sister. "This whole situation seems to be a big misunderstanding. That nurse was helping you get better, not trying to dissect you. Those guards must have thought you were attacking her, and attacked you. And so you fought your way out." Celestia saw Luna's eyes brighten up a bit. "With some skill I may add."

Celestia shakes her head. "However, regardless of the reason, you still attacked the guards. I want you to return to your cell peacefully while Luna and I discuss this. We shall visit you later."

I scratches my chin. "And if I refuse?"

"I'd force you. But I'd rather not do that."

I chuckled. "So basically I have no choice, huh? Whatever. Might as well go peacefully. But I swear to God, if you try to dissect me again I'll flip a shit. I'm giving you a second chance, but not a third."

The one who referred to herself as Celestia winced, presumably at my colorful choice of words. The other one, I think Luna, was a total opposite. She, on the other hand, seemed completely enraptured. She would not stop bombarding me with questions. I gave her a short answer every time, as I didn't want to reveal too much information. For all I know, they could be planning an invasion or something.

"What's your name?"

"Stan."

"Why did you come here?"

"Dunno."

"So, what are you?"

"Would you believe me if I said dragon?"

"Actually, we have those, and you definitely aren't one."

"You have dragons?? Shit."

"You still haven't answered my question."

I sighed. "I'm a human. Speaking of which, what the hell are YOU? Those other ones in the dungeon didn't have wings. Only the 'nurse' had a horn."

This time, Celestia spoke up. "Luna and I are Alicorns. That nurse was a Unicorn. There are two more types of ponies, Earth ponies and Pegasi."

I shook my head.

Celestia frowned. "Why are you shaking your head?"

"Because, that's the second time I've heard you refer to yourselves as ponies. You aren't ponies. I've seen a pony, and it looks nothing like you do."

Luna's ears perked up. "You had ponies where you came from? Oh, and where did you come from?"

"Yes, I had ponies where I came from. They didn't talk, nor did they have horns and wings though. As to where I'm from, that is a story for another time. We seem to have arrived at my lovely, not creepy at all, totally NOT a jail cell, room."

Luna looked, and indeed, they were in front of the cell. She let out a disappointed sigh, and looked at Celestia.

Celestia smiled at her sister, and said, "We should let it rest. It's had a-"

"I'm not an 'it', you know. If you don't have the common fuckin' courtesy to call me by my name, atleast be as kind as to call me 'he'."

Celestia blushed when she realized her mistake. However, she also heard something interesting. "Did you say, 'he'?"

"Yeah I did. I'm a guy, you want me to prove it or something?"

At this point, both of the princesses were blushing a deep pink. They were avoiding my gaze, and Celestia managed to stammer out, "N-no..."

I laughed at their response. "I was just kidding. Wake me, when you need me. Wait, you wouldn't get that reference, damn. Whatever."

I walked into my cell and closed the door. After the princesses had walked away, I slumped onto the bed and put my face in my hands. This seriously sucks. Even if they seemed nice at the moment, they'll probably kill me while I sleep. Not only that, I don't even have my pills with me, which means I have to be veery careful from now on. Dumbass Dr. Lancaster put me in a shitty situation. I'll just have to go with the flow and hope to find a way back, even though I know it's probably impossible.

As I lied down, I felt something hard under my back. A quick check, and I saw that it was my iPod. I pressed the home button, and saw it was still on full battery. That's weird. Probably because I haven't used it all day. I put the iPod in my pocket, and closed my eyelids.

Sleep. Everything will be better after some sleep.

Sam Fisher's Protege

I was awakened by the sound of my cell door being opened. I groggily looked over to see the same nurse from yesterday cautiously enter my cell. She looked ready to pass out when she saw that I was awake. I started feeling a bit shameful about what happened, and cleared my throat. "Hey, listen, I'm sorry and all-"

After hearing me talk, the nurse bolted behind cover with an eep.

I tried to suppress a laugh, but failed, as the nurse's reaction was pretty cute. Hearing my laugh seemed to calm the nurse, and she showed herself. "I-I'm h-h-here to change your b-bandages." I frowned, and the nurse held her breath, fearing she had done something wrong and was about to be eaten. I took my shirt off, and saw that indeed, my body seemed to be covered in bandages. Am I really stupid enough not to have felt these? Or did she put them on me while I slept?

I sighed and nodded to the nurse. "Go ahead. I won't hurt you."

The nurse, finally able to breathe once again, nervously trotted over to I. Her horn glowed a deep blue color as some new bandages floated up from a nearby table. I frowned again, and looked at the floating bandages. I swiped my hands under and above the bandages, and then to the sides. Nope, definitely not strings.

"How are you doing that?"

"W-what?"

"Making it float, or levitate, or whatever you wanna call it. Is it magnets?"

The nurse looked confused. "Magnets? No, this is magic, haven't you seen it before?"

Oh, so they aren't only TALKING COLORFUL PONIES, but also MAGICAL talking colorful ponies. At this point, I'm not even surprised anymore.

"Whatever. Just change my bandages already."

"Well... could you.. t-take them off?"

I looked at the nurse, who was too afraid to touch me. Thinking about this, I smiled. If I'm trapped in some ass backwards castle, I might as well have some fun.

I closed my eyes and dramatically fell back on my bed, the back of my hand on my head. "Oh dear me! My head hurts too much. I don't think I will be able to."

"You really must like terrorizing nurses."

Upon seeing Princess Luna, the nurse bowed and left.

I open my eyes and looked over to the door, only to see the blue pony from yesterday. Luna, I think it was?

I had a guilty smile on my face. "It is one of my few pleasures in life. So, I take it that if you are here you just came to have some question and answer time huh?"

Luna's head drooped down. "N-no... that's... wrong."

I sits up on my bed, with a devious smile on my face.

"Oh? Then what are you here for? I doubt princesses such as you have the time to be checking on my well-being. Whatever. Since you were nice enough to not kill me in my sleep and even bandage me up, I'll answer some questions."

Luna instantly perked up. "Okay!"

She walked inside, levitating a cushion behind her. The cushion sets itself down on my bed and Luna sat on top of it. She looked unsure about where to start with her questions, so I decided to give her a hand.

"I vaguely remember you asking about where I came from, right?"

"Ah, yes!"

"Have you ever heard of 'Ohio'?"

"No, what is it?"

I closely studied her reaction, and decided that she wasn't lying. If she's never heard of Ohio, this obviously isn't America. So, I'm either on another planet, or in England. Either way, screw my luck.

"'Ohio' is the state I was born in."

"So, are you an Ohioan then? What a strange name."

"No, I'm American."

"I thought you said you were born in Ohio? Is Ohio a city then?"

"No, Ohio is a state. One of the fifty states in America."

At this point, Luna was extremely confused. The more she talked to me, the less she seemed to understand.

I rubbed my eyes, trying to get rid of the sleepiness. "That reminds me, what happened to the other one from yesterday?"

"She's right here." Celestia strode into the cell.

Ah shit. I can't even remember her name.

"Ah, yeah, there you are.... Trollestia?"

Celestia frowned. "Trollestia?"

"Ah, sorry.. Molestia?"

Celestia put her hoof to her face. "Just call me Celestia."

I nervously laughed. "I was just, uh, testing you. Good to know you still remember your name."

Celestia sighed. "Of course I... Anyways, let's get straight to the point. I wish to know how you got here and why you are here."

"No beating around the bush with this one, I see. I can answer your questions, but I don't think you'll like the answers. Besides, I'm hungry, is this how you ponies treat your guests?"

Princess Celestia was taken aback. She summoned a guard and instructed him to bring some food. After a bit, the guard returned with some hay and an apple on a platter. Having finished his errand, the guard returned to his post outside the cell. I looked at the hay, then back up at Celestia.

"What the hell is this supposed to be?"

Celestia curiously looked at me. "You requested food, did you not?"

"Yeah, I did. I requested food though. Don't you have any, I don't know, meat?"

A sudden silence spread through the room. All the ponies looked horrified.

I broke out into laughter. "That was a joke. I know you are herbivores." I grabbed the apple, biting a chunk out of it. "However, I don't eat hay. Try to remember that."

Celestia regained her composure. She probably realized that this was a good chance to learn more about my species, that crafty pony-witch.

"Then, I suppose you are an omnivore?"

I freaking knew it! Trying to squeeze out more information about humans at every chance she gets.

"You supposed right. Now, what was it that you wanted to know? How I got here, right?"

Celestia nodded her head. Luna eagerly looked on.

"I honestly have no clue. I'm not coming to invade your kingdom, or country, or whatever else you might be thinking."

Celestia let out a sigh. "I didn't jump to a conclusion like that."

With an even bigger smirk on my face, I stood up. "Oh! Is that why you locked me in a cell before I even woke up? Because you don't jump to conclusions?"

Celestia looked at the ground. "I had no choice."

I walked over, and with a chuckle, patted Celestia on the head.

"That's okay. I would've done the same thing in your position, no need to worry." I flashed Celestia a smile. Celestia was unsure of what expression to make, so she just returned the smile.

The guard outside the cell looked at me and growled. "Get away from the princess before I make you into a pincushion!"

I stepped toward the guard with a wicked smile on my face. "Could you really do that? All your buddies yesterday couldn't stop me... I wonder if you are any better than them?"

It appeared as though a fight was about to break out, and Princess Celestia got ready to intervene. However, instead of fighting, I simply walked back and sat down on my bed. I smiled at the guard. "But then again, fighting you would be nothing more than bullying." The guard was only more infuriated by my behavior.

I focused my attention on the princesses again. "So? Got any more questions, or are you two just gonna sit there and stare at me?"

Princess Luna stepped forward. "Actually, I was just wondering something. Why are you so calm and composed?"

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I'd imagine that anypony else in your situation would be panic-stricken."

I scratched my chin. Now that I think about it, why AM I so calm? I mean, these ponies were basically aliens.... Oh god, I get it...

I slowly shook my head. "Have you ever heard of Half-Life?"

The princesses were confused, naturally. They both shook their heads.

"Well, before I came here, I had just finished the second one. An amazing game. But then again, you don't have it here, so never mind.” I sighed. “ Anyways, you two have barraged me with questions, so I think it's my turn now. Question number 1: When are you letting me out of here?”

Celestia looked away. “I'm not sure.”

I slumped down into my bed. “So I can't be trusted, after all. Whatever, I don't have anymore questions. I'd like to be left alone now.”

The Princesses nodded. Celestia gracefully strode out, with Luna following shortly after. Luna turned around, shooting an apologetic look at me, and ran off. After I made sure they weren't coming back, I whipped out my iPod. I pressed the home button.

“What the hell...”

It was still on full battery. Normally, even if it wasn't used, it would be at 50% or less after three days. I unwrapped my headphones off of it, and unlocked it. Just to make sure it worked, I decided to play a song. Several seconds later, Hold it Against Me was blasting in my ears. At least I have Britney Spears with me in this fucked up place. This song will never get old. The battery bothered me though.

I decided to figure it out later, and put my iPod away. Now that I was alone, it was time to figure out how to escape.

Princess Celestia strode into her study, followed by Luna. She tried to walk over to her desk, but Luna blocked her.

“Sister, why are we keeping him locked up?”

“We both saw what I can do. I'd rather not have him hurt somepony else-”

“But that's because he thought he was in danger! Isn't this just cruel?”

Celestia frowned. “It is a necessary evil, for now. However, even if we do let him out, where would he go?”

Luna was taken aback. “W-well...”

“Exactly. Besides, just letting him out into Equestria might be dangerous for him. He doesn't know anything, and is bound to get himself hurt. I'd rather keep him around until I'm sure he can be let out.”

Luna pawed(hoofed?) at the ground as an idea formulated in her head. She knew she had to say this carefully. “Well, I think if we're going to keep him in the castle for now...” Luna gulped. “... He at least deserves a better room.”

Celestia had a questioning look on her face. “And what would this better room be?”

Luna gulped again, and looked her sister in the eye. “He can stay in my room!”

“Hell yes,” I whispered to myself.
I had finally been rewarded after what seemed like hours of waiting. The guard had gone off again, presumably for food or a bathroom break. He probably wasn't supposed to do that, as there was no guard to replace him. After a quick look around, I was sure this was the perfect time to slip out. I slid the key I stole from the guard into my door, and dashed away. Jesus Christ, I honestly never expected my fingers to be so useful. I guess they've never dealt with pickpockets here?

I shook my head and stopped at the staircase I previously used to escape. Sam Fisher, lend me your strength! And those badass goggles, preferably. Jokes aside, I only had about five or so minutes until I was discovered missing, and I needed to avoid stumbling into other ponies until then. After a quick glance around at the top of the staircase, I was off again. Running down hallways, ducking behind plants and around corners every time I saw a guard, I was steadily progressing through the castle. At one point, I was almost discovered when a guard stopped after hearing my breathing. I caught my breath, and froze. The guard moved on, thinking he had just been hearing things and grumbling about not getting payed enough for this.

I saw a suitable hiding place to catch my breath, where the wall was pushed back to accommodate a statue. I ran behind the wide statue of what seemed to be a flying pony in armor. I don't have much time left. I don't even know where the exit is. Maybe this was a bad idea? Gasping, I got back up. Even if this was a bad idea, it's too late to go back.
Having sufficiently rested, I ran out from behind the statue, running directly into Princess Luna and knocking her down.

I crouched to help Luna up. “Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.”

Luna angrily looked up. “Watch where you're going next...”

We met eyes, and realization dawned upon me.

Shit.

Suckish Villainy

“And here I was, convincing my sister that you were harmless, only to find you wandering around the castle! I worked my flank off to get her to agree with me, and you betrayed my trust! Honestly, why am I even letting you stay here now? Not to mention that you knocked me over!...”

Luna continued ranting on, but it fell on deaf ears. I was enraptured by the beauty of the room. All of the furniture and apparel seemed to share the same motif, a crescent moon. I looked over and saw the same crescent moon on Luna's flank.

Luna noticed my gaze at her flank and snorted. “And you have no manners either! Is that stare really necessary?”

“I guess not, but what's up with the tramp stamp?”

"Tramp... stamp?"

"Yeah. Tramp stamp. That tattoo thing near your... uh... behind."

Luna looked at her side. She realized what I was talking about, and relaxed. "Do you mean my cutie mark?"

"Is that what you call them here? Huh. So, why do you like the moon so much? You've put it pretty much everywhere"

"That's a long story."

I walked over to one of the armchairs and sat down. I was surprised at how soft it was, and sank in. "We've got time. I mean, I do. Dunno what you have to do."

Luna sighed, and sat herself down on the chair next to mine. "I've got a bit of time before dinner. Anyways, a cutie mark is a mark obtained when a pony discover a unique characteristic or talent that sets them apart from others."

I slowly nodded. "So, do you tattoo them in or something? Wait, no, don't tell me. I think I can guess. They're magical!"

Luna nodded, a confused look growing on her face. "Why did that sound sarcastic? Do you not have magic where you came from?"

I laughed. "Of course not. You know, I'm still half convinced that you guys are all playing a trick on me with this magic crap, but then I remember that you're talking ponies. But yeah, no magic in America."

Luna found that very interesting, and made a mental note to tell her sister about it later. She closed her eyes, trying to imagine life without magic. Finding that she couldn't even begin imagining that, she opened her eyes back up, only to see Stan stretching his arms out, enjoying the comfort of the chair. It reminded her of a foal, stretching before it goes to bed. She giggled, absolute sure that Stan truly wasn't some sort of violent monster, but only a lost little foal.

I shot her an awkward look, unsure of how to react to the giggling. I chose to just ignore it, and continue with my questions. "I was wondering, why is your cutie mark is a moon? Do you like stargazing or something?"

All of the previous innocent mood washed away, Luna rolled her eyes. "No. It's because I raise the moon every night."

I frowned. "Alright, I'm sorry I was being a smartass. Seriously now, why is it?"

Luna was puzzled. "That was the truth. I raise the moon every night, and Celestia raises the sun. We work together, keeping things in check."

I just shook my head. "Nah. First off, what do you mean 'raise the moon'? Haven't you ever heard of gravity around here? Centrifugal force?"

Luna looked sternly at me. "Of course! But that has nothing to do with this. I use magic to raise and set the moon every night."

I was about to argue my case of heliocentrism and the like further, but my stomach started growling.

Luna smiled. "Are you hungry, by any chance?"

Grabbing my belly, I nodded. "Yeah. Only thing I've eaten in the past two days is an apple for God's sake."

Standing up, Luna motioned for me to come along. "Celestia and I normally have dinner around this time. If you promise to behave yourself, you can come along."

"Are you sure it's okay? I mean, not that it affects me, but won't I cause an uproar?"

Luna had an uncomfortable smile on her face. "I'm sure it'll be fine...."

As Princess Luna and I walked into the room together, all the ponies stopped what they were doing and looked over. None of them had any idea who or what the tall creature next to their Princess Luna was. Turning to the nearest pony, they all started whispering and rumoring about what it might be. Within seconds, the room was covered in a wildfire of whispers. I managed to hear some of them.

"...W-what is that? It's not a pony!..."
"...It's walking on two hooves! Two!..."
"...Its mane is so unkempt!..."
"...Maybe it's one of Luna's weird pets?..."
Great, so now I'm a magical pony's weird pet.

Apparently, Luna had also heard that comment, and shot me an awkward look.

I furiously shook my head. "No way in hell. I am not your pet. Get that wicked thought out of your mind."

Luna gasped. "That's not what I was thinking!"

"Oh, sorry. My bad."

The whispering came to a sudden halt, and all of the ponies turned around to greet Celestia. They bowed down, and then continued their previous activities. Celestia spotted Luna and I, and trotted over to us. She gave me a suspicious look, and turned to her sister.

"I trust he didn't give you any trouble?"

I awkwardly scratched the back of my head. "Haha... Yeah, no trouble here. Nope. None at all."

Luna gave me a look that pretty much said "I could snitch you out right now but I wont".

"He was fine. Shall we eat now?"

"Of course. Stan, will you sit with us? If you don't want to, you don't have to."

I shrugged. "Eh, I might as well sit with you two. Eating alone all the time gets so boring."

Celestia showed me a warm smile, and led me to their table. Now, I was a bit nervous, as I've never eaten with royalty before. Buuut then again, I'm an alien on this planet, so I'll still look weird no matter what I do, right? Anyways, we got to the table, and Celestia's horn started glowing. I'm pretty sure that means she's using magic, as crazy shit happens every time her horn lights up like that.

Proving me right, three chairs slid out. I sat down on the one closest to me. Interested in how ponies sit on chairs that are oddly reminiscent of human ones, I watched them as they sat down. However, right before the magical moment happened, one of the waiter-ponies bumped into me and blocked my view. Apologizing, he shuffled away to serve some of the guards. By the time I looked back, Celestia and Luna had both sat down.

"fuuuu-"

Luna looked over. "What did you say?"

"Ah, nothing. Anyways, is there a menu or something I can look at?"

Luna awkwardly looked at Celestia, but Celestia had no idea either. "Why would there be a menu? Just tell the waiter anything that you'd like, and the cooks will make it for you."

Needless to say, I cried manly tears. Freaking rich people.... Errr, ponies.... don't even need menus. Bad part was that everything would be completely vegetarian. Even when I was having money troubles, I always managed to smuggle some meat into my diet. I'd never had to go without my meat fix, and now that I did, I had no clue about what I should order. Like any ignorant man in my situation, I decided on a salad. I was ready to order, but unsure of how pony etiquette worked, I decided to ask Luna first.

"So, uh, if I'm ready, what should I do?"

"If you're ready to order? Just clap to get a waiter's attention."

"Oh, oka- Wait a second, how the hell do ponies clap?"

"Like this." Luna hit her hooves against each other a few times, making a clapping noise.

"Do that again."

Luna hesitated, obviously confused. She clapped her hooves again, this time a bit slower. How the hell do hard objects make a clapping noise like that? My brain felt like it was about to rupture from the mind rape I had just experienced. I wasn't sure why in a world of polychromatic ponies and magic, I was so bothered by clapping. I decided to just drop it, as logic obviously didn't apply to anything in this place.

Hearing Luna's earlier claps, a unicorn waiter had come by. He looked at Luna, waiting for her order. She ordered some fancy pony crap that I would never be able to pronounce, much less spell out. He turned to Celestia, who opted for a slightly less fancy, but equally hard to pronounce dish. Finally, the waiter asked me what I'd like.

"Uh, salad please."

He raised an eyebrow. "Salad?"

"Yeah. With uh, ranch dressing."

Amused, he scribbled down my order and went back to the kitchen. I was starting to wonder if they really had ranch dressing, as herbivores would have no need for a ranch. Maybe it'd be called farm dressing?

My thoughts were cut short as a guard came over to our table. He had a familiar looking bruise on his neck, which I realized I had made. I awkwardly looked away as he brought a message to the Princesses.

"Princesses! There is somepony who requests to see you both. He says that it is very urgent."

Luna and Celestia gave each other an annoyed look, and stood up. Celestia sighed. "Excuse us Stan, but it appears somepony needs to see us. We will be back shortly."

I nodded and gave them a thumbs up. Realizing they had no idea what that meant, I quickly put my fist away.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't keep him waiting."

Celestia nodded and went off with the guard, Luna in tow. After they exited the room, and I could no longer hear their hoofsteps, there was an odd silence. I realized that all the guards had stopped talking and were looking at me. Looking around, there was no waiters or normal ponies around, just guards. Ooooh. I get it.

The guards stood up, with menacing looks, sharp, glowing horns, and weapons drawn. They formed a circle around me, and a single red guard stepped out. I recognized him as the captain I had knocked out when I first woke up. He circled around my table.

"Well, well, well. What do we have here? Looks like the princesses aren't around to protect you any longer."

I snorted at his horrible attempt at intimidation. "Seriously? If you're trying to be threatening, don't use cliche villain phrases. You sound like a tool."

Making fun of an armed, pissed off guard captain probably wasn't a good idea. Last time I had the element of surprise on my side, and they hadn't drawn their weapons yet, so I managed to win. Now that they have their shit together, I wasn't feeling too sure about the outcome.

The guard captain snarled at me. "Silence, you hairless ape!"

Yet again, I found it hard to keep from laughing. "You know, humans are pretty much hairless apes. Soo, yeah. Not much of an insult. You kinda suck at comebacks. Can we get on with the fighting, or whatever? Princesses are gonna be back soon, and that'll blow your little setup, won't it?"

"As you wish." He nodded at the guards near him, and they slowly came towards me. This was such a cliche situation it was almost funny. Their swords though, were not funny. I had no idea how to properly defend against a pony wielding a sword with magic, as there was no way to block their non-existent arms. Then it hit me. If a wizard uses a wand to cast magic spells, he wouldn't be able to do anything without his wand, right? Maybe if I hit or break their horns, their magic will be disabled.

I stood up, and the first guard charged at me. I decided to test out my theory. His sword went up high, ready to slash down for the kill, and gave me the perfect opportunity. I dashed forward and gave him a roundhouse kick to the base of his horn. A solid whack reverberated throughout the room, and the guard collapsed, screaming in agony. While some of the guard's friend ran to help him out, his sword fell from the sky, the guard's magic no longer holding it up. I stretched my arm out and caught it. Now, I've had no training what-so-ever in swordplay or fencing, so it was surprising that I could even hold the sucker up.

I gave the sword a good swing. "That's depressing. I thought you'd have learned after last time that coming at me one by one isn't a good idea. See what happens?"

The captain was steaming mad. Not only had I found their weak spot, he was being humiliated yet again in front of his subordinates.

"I see that you found a unicorn's weak spot. No worries, I brought something just in case this happens."

He motioned to a guard, who gave him a helmet-looking thing. The captain put it on, and it completely covered his horn and head.

"Not so confident now, are you?" His sword was surrounded by a red glow, and lifted into the air.

"Is it time for the boss fight already? Come at me bro."

Obviously better than the last guard, he didn't give me any opportunities to hit him. All I got were quick, calculated slashes. I somehow managed to dodge each one, but I was being continuously pushed back to the wall. I knew that if I got pressed up against the wall, he'd probably make me into some good ol' fashioned chop suey. As keen as I was to avoid the situation, it still happened. After my latest dodge, my free hand hit the wall. Mr. Douchebag Captain laughed, reveling in the situation.

"What's wrong? You haven't made a single attempt to hit me. Scared, are you?"

"Nah. See, my grandma told me to never make fun of or hit crippled kids, and with your shitty skills, you might as well be crippled."

Grouchy McDouchingson got ready to rearrange my face with his sword, when the door slammed open.

The captain himself was lifted by a blue glow, and the guards moved to reveal Luna.

Luna flew the guard over to her, and stared him in the eyes.

At about twenty times her normal volume, Luna bellowed "WE DEMAND AN EXPLANATION."

The captain struggled to get free, but was still stuck in the magic cloud.

" HATH THOU NO ANSWER? VERY WELL." She seemingly threw him, and he quickly got on his feet. About to run away, he looked up, only to see Celestia.

She frowned at him. "I'll talk to you later." Her horn flashed yellow, and the captain disappeared. The problem gone, Luna galloped over to me.

I put the sword on a nearby table, laughing. "Do you usually talk like that when you're mad?"

Smiling, she shook her head. "Not always. It just slipped through this time. More importantly, are you alright?"

I gave her a thumbs up. "Sure am! I'm a big, violent human, remember? Don't get hurt that easily."

Having just arrived, Celestia chuckled. "I think you've proved that more than once. Anyways, why don't we finish dinner now?"

She looked around the room, and the guards got the message. Everyone returned to their tables, and continued their meals. Several minutes later, the waiter brought us our food. I was very surprised to see that they actually had Ranch dressing, and devoured my salad. It was the best salad I've ever had.

Umbra

Princess Celestia and I were walking back from dinner. Ever since the captain's unsuccessful attempt at assault, there had been an awkward silence between the Princesses and I. Luna went off to supposedly "raise the moon", leaving Celestia to guide me back. My curiosity finally got the better of me, and I decided to ask about the captain.

"So, what was up with him? That captain didn't seem to like me very much."

Celestia looked on, not even turning to address me. "He will be reprimanded for his actions."

She was obviously trying to avoid the question. Something is wrong, and I want to know what it is. I'm selfish like that sometimes.

"Hey, I can tell something's wrong. Keeping it bottled up won't help."

We came to a sudden halt in the corridor. Celestia turned around to face me, giving me an apprehensive look. "My problems are my own, and should be of no concern to you. The captain stepped out of line, and will be punished. That is all you need to know." She quickly continued down the corridor, and I followed.

Her words stung a bit, but not enough to stop me. Curiosity killed the cat, right? I'll just wait until Luna gets back, and try again with her.

We finally arrived at Luna's room, the dark blue doors standing a lonely vigil. Having finished her job, she told me to behave myself and disappeared with a yellow flash. I pushed open the doors and walked in, almost walking right into a knife. Almost.

Right before the shining blade pierced my abdomen, I leapt back and took a good look at the threat. My attacker was a dark gray pony with wings; a pegasus. By now, I've gotten decent at telling the two genders apart, and I'm 70% certain this one is a guy. A black cloak covered most of his body, barring his face and wings. His face looked as confused as mine, but that didn't last.

Having failed the first attempt at assassination, the pegasus launched himself at me, his wings adding an extra boost of speed. I tried to step to the side and avoid his charge by pressing against the wall, but apparently my assailant foresaw that. He stretched his front leg out, weapon in hoof. The knife slashed across my left shoulder, but luckily it wasn't too deep. Still, it went deep enough to count, and some of my blood was sprayed on the wall, the droplets forming ominous spots. My brain, Captain Obvious, told me this was a serious attempt on my life.

Adrenaline pumped through my veins, and urged me to make a choice. Fight, or flight. Yet again, I was painfully aware of my lack of any weapon what-so-ever. This pony was no doubt a trained assassin, so either way, my chances of survival were slim at best. Nonetheless, fighting was the worse option. As much as I hated to say it, I wouldn't be able to beat this guy without help. On the other hand, running will make it so much easier for him to kill me, so I'll just have to wait for him to make a mistake.

The gray pegasus saw my hesitation, and flew in for the kill. I quickly dropped down, avoiding the stab by an inch. Launching my counterattack, I sent a swift punch upwards, nailing him right in the stomach. He was caught by surprise as the air rushed out of his lungs. I threw his limp body away from me, and ran with all my might into the room. My suspicions were proven right as I saw a lock on the back of each door. I quickly slammed the doors shut and bolted them closed behind me. A lock probably won't be enough to hold that guy back, so I sprinted over to the comfortable armchair I had previously sat on, and dragged it up against the doors. Slamming it in place under the handles, I collapsed on the ground. I was exhausted, and my mind was starting to panic. Panic never helps, so yet again I used my grandma's trick of deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out. Having sufficiently calmed down, I sat up.

Carefully, I touched my wound which had been ignored up until now. It stung like hell, and sent unpleasant shivers up my spine. I took off my white cotton t-shirt, and ripped off a large strip. Although rudimentary, I wrapped up my shoulder with the strip, and tied it in a tight knot, hoping to stop the blood loss. I put the remains of my shirt back on, 'cause hey, decency and stuff.

Honestly though, who would have the guts to pull this crap off? Considering the fact that the pegasus looked surprised to see me, I probably wasn't the one he wanted to kill. As far as I know, Luna is the only pony that ever sleeps here, so then that means...

"Stan! Stan! Are you alright?" Luna poked me a bit with her hoof, and I snapped out of my daze.

"For the most part, yeah. Some jerk out there really didn't like me, and tried to shank the shit outta me."

Her eyes widened in worry, and shifted to my injured shoulder. A gasp escaped from her mouth as she saw the blood-soaked rag that covered my shoulder. I winced in pain as she untied my poorly wrapped, makeshift bandage. I really hate this feeling. Doesn't hurt that much when the knife slashes or stabs you, but five minutes later it's way worse. It felt like someone let loose an army of fire ants on my shoulder. Although I tried to hide most of the pain from Luna, I think she still knew that I was in deep crap.

"You're bleeding badly..." Her voice was shaky, and she was probably on the edge of panic.

"More importantly, that guy was here to kill you. Shouldn't you get some guards to hunt him down or something? I can wait, a paper cut like this won't kill me."

Although it pained her, she knew I was right. After she reapplied my bandage, Luna disappeared in a blue flash. Having held out as long as I could, I passed out, sinking down into the black abyss of uncertainty known as sleep.

"Long time, no see, huh?"

Even before I opened my eyes, I knew who the speaker was. My dickish other side I affectionately call Misanthropy.

"Looks like you got roughed up pretty badly, you weakling."

I opened my eyes and saw the familiar environment I have come to associate with Misanthropy. A never ending grassy field, with a soft wind slowly blowing the grass around. Needless to say, it did not fit him at all.

"Do you know the reason why you fail? It is because you trust others. Trust only leads to pain and suffering."

I looked at Misanthropy. In my dreams, he was always a mirror image of me, except for a scar which ran down his chest. Yeah, he never wears a shirt. Not sure why.

"The day you follow my advice is the day you succeed!"

I snorted. "How about no, you angsty freak? Go complain about your shit somewhere else. My life is better without you around."

He smiled a creepy, villainous smile. "Maybe. Maybe not. After all, we are the same person in the end. Two parts of a whole. Can you survive without me?"

"Hmm, I dunno. How about yes? Go get some friends, you sociopathic piece of shit."

He smiled again, and suddenly looked up. "Seems like it's about time for you to go back. Send the princesses my regards!" He bellowed out in laughter, the sound echoing around in my head. I seriously hate this guy and his bullcrap. He's been around for a while now, occasionally showing himself in my dreams to chastise my actions and insult the people around me. While he claims he's trying to help, I think he just likes being a douche. He was right about one thing, however, as I felt myself waking up.

My arm hurt like no other. The pain faded in and out like the ocean waves, each new wave bringing a fresh throb of hurt. I opened my eyes, basking in the shine of the moon. Looking around, it became apparent to me that I was still in Luna's room, albeit in her bed. Celestia and Luna sat on either of my sides, with worried looks in their eyes. Celestia in particular was looking pretty down, her once radiant mane looked rather dull and moved much less. They realized I was awake, and stood up.

"Yo."

Smiles returning to their faces, they looked very glad to see I was (for the most part) alright.

Luna was the first to speak up. "How are you feeling?"

"Eh, could be better." I looked at my arm, which was in a sling, had been professionally wrapped, and maybe even stitched. I started getting out of the bed, but Celestia moved to stop me.

"The doctor said that you are to stay in bed."

"Tell the doctor that he doesn't know jack about me." I stood up, ignoring her protests. "Besides, I think you owe me some answers."

She guiltily looked at the ground. Nodding her head, she and Luna walked over to the super-comfy chairs. I was about to follow, but checked my pockets quickly for my iPod. Luckily, it was still in my right pocket, and I calmed down. I looked back over, and the Princesses were already sitting. I missed my chance to see them sit again.

Briskly walking over, I sat down on my favorite chair ever.

"Now. Tell me about this problem you've been having, and why that pegasus was here."

"Very well. I now owe you at least that much."

Luna was strangely silent, but I paid no mind.

"The problem is Umbra."

"Umbra?"

"Yes. They are an organization bent on overthrowing the diarchy. I've managed to stop them up until now, but I fear for what may happen in the future."

So they're basically terrorists. "We had those types of jerks back in America too. Except, they just like killing. They're not trying to overthrow our government. I think."

Celestia looked surprised to hear that. "And what did the humans do to stop them?"

"War."

It was as if that word stung her, as she shrunk back a bit. "I hope to end our conflict without needless violence. However, with each day that passes, I lose more and more hope that we can have a peaceful ending. I do not wish to expose or involve my little ponies in war."

"That's a certainly a problem. Humans aren't too good at the peace thing, so I can't give you any advice."

Celestia smiled weakly. "I didn't think you would."

"So, I'm guessing that this is the reason why those guards were acting up?"

She nodded her head. "All of the guards have been under a lot of stress, from the massive increase in training and the constant threat of attack. You arriving here and humiliating that captain made him crack under the pressure. Our investigation found out that he ordered his squad to act that way. However, there is no reason for him to act like that. I stripped him of his rank and sent him back to basic training."

I stifled a laugh. That's embarrassing. "Okay. So then that gray pegasus was an Umbra assassin? Did your guards ever catch him?"

She shook her head. "No."

I shrugged. "The one that got away, huh."

"Now that you know all this, I want you to promise that you won't ever repeat any of it."

I locked my mouth with an invisible key, and tossed the key aside. "Safe with me."

Silence enveloped the room. Celestia gave Luna an apologetic look, and Luna's head dropped.

Celestia turned back to me, a slight frown on her face. "There's one issue we haven't discussed yet."

I scratched the back of my head. "And what would that be?"

"You."

"Me?"

"Yes. You not only saw their assassin, but then that assassin failed to kill you. Umbra will, without a doubt, try to kill you again. After all, our ally is their enemy."

Although I wanted to act tough, that really sucked. The first assassin was trouble enough. If they send more than one, I'll be dead faster than I can realize anything happened.

"Which is why Luna and I decided to send you away."

Send me away? Am I finally going to get out of this god-forsaken planet?

"What do you mean 'you'll send me away'? Like, send me home?"

Celestia crushed my sliver of hope by shaking her head. "Sadly, I do not know if that is possible. As neither you nor I know how you came here, or exactly where your world is, for now I cannot. I have a team of researchers working on that though, so that may change."

Yeah, right. So I'm stuck here with these assassins until her researchers find out how to send me back - which probably won't even happen.

"So, where are you sending me to?"

"I will hide you in the small town of Ponyville, where my most faithful student lives. I have already sent her a letter, and she will be expecting you."

"When am I leaving?"

"Immediately. We can't risk Umbra coming during the night. Nopony else will be informed of your location, so Umbra will have a hard time finding you until we can send you back home. You will be housed by Twilight Sparkle, a lavender unicorn. That is all."

We all stood up, getting ready for my departure.

"One last question, exactly how am I going to get there?"

"We will teleport you."

The word "teleport" rung in my head. I suddenly remembered my last experience with teleportation, and the deep crap that landed me in. I was nervous as hell about this. My spidey senses were on red alert. However, whining about it would help nobody, so I just braced myself. Celestia's horn shone a dazzling yellow, Luna following her lead after a moment of hesitation. Their combined light shot into me, and everything turned white.

The dark gray pegasus flew through the opening of the cave, landing on the rocky surface. She was infuriated and embarrassed that she had failed to assassinate Princess Luna, and she was surely going to get punished for her blunder. However, she had seen something very interesting at the castle. A strange, sentient creature the likes of which had never been seen before. Certainly, Lord Umbra will want to hear about it.

She smirked as she thought about the way her knife had sliced through its flesh. Some of its blood remained on the weapon, and she gazed at it. Soon, she'll meet the creature again, but this time, it won't escape. She licked her lips in anticipation of the bloodbath that was sure to ensue.

Chirping. Chirping and insect sounds. Not the kind of thing you want to hear upon regaining consciousness. I looked around, waiting for the lavender pony Twilight Sparkle to jump out from her hidey-hole. Nothing jumped out of any hidey-holes, so I take that as a sign that the teleportation failed again. Honestly, what world did I end up on now? With all the trees and shrubbery around me, it oddly reminded me of the Predator homeworld. Not a very reassuring thing. I took off my sling and tossed it aside, as it was completely pointless in the first place. Now, it's time to prepare myself.

If there really are Predators out there, I'll need something to hold the beasts off. Like, a nuke. Finding no nukes around me, I settled with a stick. I whipped out my iPod, and went to my survival app. It guided me through the steps of tying a rock to the stick with some vines, and after around thirty minutes of effort, I had an impromptu bludgeon. Before I put my iPod away, my eyes flicked over the battery icon. Full. The damned thing was still full. The only explanation to this was that the teleport somehow screwed up the battery with all those electric bolts, and supercharged it, or something. Finally, something good came out of this whole ordeal. I'll never have to charge my iPod again! Maybe.

I put my iPod away and set off, looking for other possible humans. I trudged on through thick bushes and shrubs, occasionally having to hulk smash my way through some stubborn branches. I checked my iPod again. It was 10:30. At least, it's 10:30 in my old home. Here, I have no clue. It might take longer for the planet to rotate, making time pass by slower. Or, it could be faster. Who knows?

Hearing the tell-tale growl of a bear behind me, I slowly turned around. This bear was massive, easily as big as your average grizzly. However, it looked a bit... off... The body was way too big, and the head was tiny next to its massive torso. I can tell from the pixels and having seen quite a few nature documentaries in my day. Its messed up proportions didn't seem to bother it at all, though, as it got ready to smack my shit up.

I once heard that you're supposed to play dead when you see a grizzly. However, I get the feeling that dropping down on the ground will only help this bear reach my face, so I kept standing. Trying to look as menacing as possible, I held my hammer(which I named Mjölnir, by the way) and got ready to swing. The bear toed its way over, and right before I slammed my four feet of fury down on its face, something yelled "No!" and the bear ran away. I searched for the source of the yell, only to see a mass of yellow fly at me.

Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and this pink-maned, yellow pegasus is on top of me.

"I won't let you hurt Mr. Tibbers! If you promise to be nice and come back, I'll let you eat a tasty fish, okay?"

Her voice was very feminine, leading me to believe that she was a female. A female pony... A mare, I think?

She got off of me, still eyeing daggers at me. "Well? Do you want some fish?"

I slowly nodded my head, careful not to make her any angrier than she already was. Her expression instantly softened, and she smiled at me.

"Oh, good! I'm sorry for yelling. We can go get you some fish now, if you want."

I stood up, and followed her and the bear. Thank god I wasn't on the Predator homeworld.

Meet the Team

I felt something tugging at my blanket. Not wanting to get up from my relaxing slumber, I tugged back. I heard a sigh, and then the whole bed got shaky. Next thing I know, I'm falling through the air. I hit the ground with an unceremonious thump, and heard a similar sound coming from across the room.

Deciding that the ground wasn't a very comfortable place to sleep, I got up. Spike was rubbing his head and grumbling on the other side of the room, so I assume that he was the other one to get dumped from his bed. Twilight Sparkle was impatiently waiting near the door. She wanted to introduce me to her friends, I think. Like I'm her new pet or something.

She shook her head. "You two are so much alike."

"No we're not!" we yelled in unison.

"I'm not even a newt, or purple. Spyro here's got nothing on me."

Spike shot me a venomous look. "He's a bald monkey! I'm a big, tough dragon!"

"Replace 'big, tough dragon' with 'small, wimpy newt' and you'll be right."

Twilight sighed. "Maybe you're too much alike."

"Lord Umbra, somepony is here to see you."

"Can't you see that I'm busy!?" Umbra snapped at the yellow unicorn which walked into his room. He was reading through his spies' reports, and not entirely happy with the results.

The yellow unicorn shrunk back a bit, frightened by the sudden outburst. However, she was used to her Lord Umbra's angry outbursts, and stood up.

"Sir, she says that she has very important news."

Umbra gave his servant a vile look. He wanted to kill her for her inability to stay quiet, but she was useful, for now. He gave up, and allowed her to fetch the pony.

Ash Ghost, the gray pegasus, walked in. Umbra's mood was instantly lifted at the sight of his most promising assassin.

"Ash Ghost. I suppose you have good news for me?"

She shook her head, her flowing, silver mane glinting in the candlelight.

Umbra almost ground his teeth in fury.

He growled at her. "Ash Ghost, you have ten seconds to explain why you failed, and if I don't like the answer, I'll dash your head against the wall."

"Of course, my lord. I waited in Luna's room for her as instructed, but she never came."

Umbra got ready to remove her from existence. "And why would that matter?"

"Something else walked into the room, sir."

Umbra slightly calmed down, his interest piqued. "Something?"

"Yes, sir. It was like nothing I've seen before. It stood on two hooves, and had no fur covering its body."

Umbra's eyes became slits. "Are you trying to tell me that Celestia now has dragons on her side?"

"No, sir. It was no dragon. Its flesh was soft, and it had a mane. It was also skilled at combat, and outsmarted me. Rather than taking the risk of being caught by the guards, I fled the castle."

Umbra was slowly nodding his head. Now that he calmed down, he was surprised that something could beat Ash Ghost. She was one of, if not the, most talented assassins he had. That means that Celestia was gathering powerful allies at her side, and he needed to act fast before she got any more.

"Tell the other assassins to prepare themselves. Teach them all you saw about that thing. I want it dead, but Celestia has undoubtedly hid it. Once I find its location, you will all go and end its miserable existance. You are dismissed."

Ash Ghost nodded, and left her Lord alone. Umbra took a last, fleeting look at his spies' reports before shoving them all off of his desk in a fit of anger.

"I need to speed up my plan."

A shiver went down my spine. Twilight picked up on this, and gave me a strange look.

"Why'd you do that?"

I tried to look mysterious, and gazed out the window.

"My spidey senses tell me that somebody just referred to me as an it."

She obviously didn't believe my story, and I doubt she knows about spiderman either. So either way, I guess that joke didn't work.

"So, when are your friends gonna get here?"

Twilight worriedly looked out her window.

"They should be here soon..."

I wanted to get out of this stupid tree-house, but Twilight forced me to stay. I guess I'm supposed to be laying low for a while, because our last parade through town wasn't exactly stealthy. Hell, for all I know, Umbra could already be on their way here. I'm just such a desirable beast that they have to get their hooves on me.

Something knocked at the door, and Twilight ran to answer it. If there really are assassins out there, she's screwed. Shouldn't we be more careful than this?

She opened the door, and several ponies came in. Judging from Twilight's nervous smile, they weren't assassins. I breathed an internal sigh of relief. My shoulder still itched every now and then where I was cut, and I didn't want more stitches.

The new ponies were gazing at me in wonder. There were five of them in all, all with different colored coats and manes. It was like a rave, except without the music, flashing lights, and ecstasy. When Twilight Sparkle was talking about them coming over, she said "the girls", so I assume they're all female as well. If this were back on Earth, this situation would be fantastic. Sadly, rather than hot raver girls, I'm stuck with magical ponies. Go figure.

One of them seemed really, really excited to see me. She was grinning from ear to ear and slightly hopping up and down. Her whole body was pink, her mane and tail being a slightly darker color than her coat. Her hair oddly reminded me of cotton candy, as it was very fluffy. Her tramp stamp... erm, cutie mark... was three balloons, two being blue and the third yellow.

The pony on her right didn't seem quite as excited as the pink one. She was blue and had wings; a pegasus. Her mane was like a rainbow, all seven colors being present, if you included the blue on her coat. She was giving me a dangerous look, one that spoke of distrust and apprehensiveness. Her cutie mark was a cloud with a multi-colored lightning bolt.

I recognized the yellow pegasus next to Rainbow Head. She was Fluttershy, the kind pegasus that found me in the woods. Strangely enough, she was standing behind her colorful friend, avoiding eye contact with me completely. It confused me, as she treated me so kindly in her house, yet now she didn't even want to look at me.

Frowning, I moved on to the next one. A cowboy hat adorning her head, she looked like a typical country girl. Even her coat was orange, mimicking the shade most Caucasians' skin would become after a day spent in the fields. Furthering the stereotype, she had blonde hair. I can just tell we won't be getting along too nicely. I guess she likes apples, as her cutie mark was three of them.

The last one was an elegant white unicorn whose looks almost screamed of majesty and arrogance. For god's sake, she was even wearing eye shadow and mascara. A polar opposite of the country girl I previously looked at, who probably hasn't even ever heard of makeup. Topping off the royal image, her cutie mark was diamonds. Freaking diamonds.

Rainbow the Pegasus was still giving me the evil eye, and the hyperactive pink pony was still jumping up and down like a maniac. There had been an awkward silence for some time now, as both sides waited for the other to say something.

I finally cracked under the pressure, and gave in.

"He...llo?"

The room then suddenly exploded, or so I thought. All of the ponies ran forward, crowding around me. Some eyes filled with wonder, others filled with suspicion (seriously, that blue one needs to stop that crap). A thousand questions leapt from their mouths like a herd of gazelle escaping from a lion.

However, Fluttershy stood near the back. She wasn't trying to push her way through, and I was still confused. There was a major difference between the way she acted at her house and the way she acted around others. Maybe she's just really introverted?

Twilight Sparkle jumped into the fray and tried to calm everyone down.

"Girls! Girls! Calm down!"

Nobody calmed down, and Twilight gritted her teeth. Her horn lit up, then everything became silent. She silenced everyone with a spell, I think. Twilight herded them away from me, and I felt kinda glad. It was getting kinda awkward.

"Control freak." I mumbled.

"What?"

I nervously laughed. "Oh, nothing!"

After a quick suspicious glance that I believe she copied from Big Blue, Twilight Sparkle cleared her throat. She told the silent audience of my adventures in Canterlot and how I ended up here. Although they couldn't talk for now, they still showed amazed expressions every now and then, especially when Twilight told them about my narrow escapes from death, first with the psycho captain, and then with the assassin.

Having finished telling my story, Twilight undid the magic which blocked her friends' voices. They were careful not to say anything, so that they don't get silenced again. Then, a gasp escaped from the white pony's mouth. She was looking at my ripped shirt, and appeared horrified.

"Your clothes are in a simply barbarous condition! Please, come by my boutique later. I will whip up some dashing clothes for you to wear!"

I was about to say no, but the glint in her eye told me she wouldn't take no for an answer. Too tired to fight, I just gave in.

"Fine."

She almost exploded from glee.

"Somepony that wears so much clothing... So many new designs I can try! There's no time to waste!"

The white pony dashed out the door, leaving me wondering what the hell just happened.

I turned to Twilight. "Is she always like that?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Pretty much."

"So, who are the rest of your friends?"

"The one who just left is Rarity."

The pink bundle of ADHD incarnate raised a hoof. "Oh, oh! Me next! Me next!"

Twilight took a deep breath. "That's Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie Pie. I can certainly see where the "Pinkie" part came from.

Next, she motioned to the antipathetic Rainbow.

"This is Rainbow Dash."

Rainbow Dash flew up and crossed her front legs. "Yeah, and don't you forget it!"

It might just be me, but these pony parents don't seem too creative with their children's names.

Next up was the country girl. "This is Applejack."

Applejack tipped her hat back a bit. "Howdy, friend."

The first thing I thought of when I heard that was the wonderful cereal, Apple Jacks. I don't know if I'll ever be able to take her seriously after this. Every time I see her, images of Jamaican cinnamon and a grumpy apple will be conjured in my head.

"And you've already met Fluttershy."

Fluttershy gave a meek "Hi" before looking back at the ground. She's so shy it's almost cute. Almost.

Now that Twilight introduced me to everyone, I was at a loss for what to do. It was extremely awkward, the tension in the air thick enough to be cut with a butter knife. I decided to try and break the ice somehow.

I smirked, and stroked my non-existant goatee. "Do you girls want to see a magic trick?"

Twilight jumped all over my proposition, with the others following soon after. Readying myself, I put both hands behind my back.

"Abra, cadabra....."

I quickly whipped out my hands in front of me.

"ALAKAZAM! Opposable thumbs!"

One could almost hear the crickets chirping in the background, proof of my failure. However, all is not lost, as Pinkie Pie started cracking up. Whether out of pity or genuine humor, I couldn't tell.

"That was funny!"

As suddenly as her laughter started, it stopped. She seemed deeply troubled by something, and gasped. Much like Rarity before her, she suddenly dashed out the door, leaving me wondering what was going on yet again.

"... Is she always like that?"

Applejack walked over to me and shook her head. "Pinkie don't make much sense to me either, sugarcube. Ah wouldn't think too much about it."

Twilight nodded in agreement. "If you want, we can show you around town now."

Show me around town?

I bit my lip a bit, trying to avoid facepalming. "Aren't I supposed to be laying low here? If I went on a second parade around town, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of being hidden away?"

Twilight's head leaned to the left a bit, confused. "Why?"

These ponies really don't know much in terms of subterfuge and stealth, do they? I hope Celestia knew what she was doing when she sent me here.

"Nevermind. Let's just go."

Twilight didn't question me, for which I was glad. I think she's starting to understand a bit of how I work, as creepy as that sounds.

After about an hour or so, Twilight and company succeeded in showing me around most of Ponyville. It wasn't too large of a town, and yet it wasn't too small either. Kinda like a Goldilocks town.

Whilst showing me around, Twilight explained to me a little bit of Equestrian history and culture. Unlike my expectation, it wasn't very similar to Earth's. That confused me, because of the many similarities I had encountered so far. I guess I just ignored the radical differences.

For example, rather than being able to move by themselves, Pegasi have to move clouds. Pegasi also control weather. Earth ponies are in charge of growing food, and are the only type of pony capable of doing so. Unicorns use their magic to help both of the other types with their jobs. And completing the picture, Alicorns rule over Equestria and keep the ponies safe.

The Alicorns that I know of aren't doing a very good job at that, considering I almost got murdered at their palace. However, considering how these ponies seem innocent and care-free for the most part, it's strange that some group would be planning a coup d'état. What reason is there to rebel? As far as I could see, life would be almost perfect here, and so rebellion seems counter-productive. Seeing as how she's an actual resident and probably knows more about it than me, I settled on asking Twilight about it.

"... and this is Lotus Blossom and Aloe's spa. I don't go very often, but Rarity does."

"Hey, Twilight."

She looked surprised. "What, do you want to go in?"

"No, not that. I was just wondering something, and I thought you might have the answer."

She relaxed. "And what would that be?"

"So, this Umbra organization, why are they trying to overthrow Celestia?"

Maybe I picked the wrong time to ask, as she tensed up a bit. I don't think she really likes to talk about this topic.

"They... They say that Celestia is a tyrant, and that she doesn't deserve the throne. They're trying to make their leader, Umbra, the new king."

Basically, this Umbra guy just wants the throne, huh? Also, he named his evil organization after himself? Seriously? These ponies definitely need to be more creative.

Twilight was looking pretty down at the mention of the subject. Like any gentleman would do, I wanted to cheer her up. After all, I get more food if she's happy.

I patted her on the back. "It's okay Twilight. Haters gonna hate."

As awkward as it sounds, I almost enjoyed the feel of her coat. It wasn't the dry, coarse feel I expected, but rather soft and smooth. The closest comparison I have for it is velvet.

While Twilight appreciated the gesture, she didn't get it. I really need to stop using human sayings here.

Our group moved on from the spa, continuing towards some other god-forsaken building. I kept getting this strange feeling, like someone was following me. Every time I would turn around, however, there was nobody that looked out of place. Sure, all of the ponies were giving me frightened stares and some even hid, but that was normal. This new feeling wasn't.

Because I frequently looked behind my back to catch the perpetrator, I was lagging behind the group a bit. Twilight and the rest turned around a corner, and right before I followed them, I was stopped. A bag suddenly went over my head and I was dragged off to somewhere. I would've screamed, but I stopped myself. I doubt the ponies would've helped. I mean, if a dragon screamed for help while a knight was killing it, I doubt very many people would help the dragon. Same thing here. I might as well keep my dignity.

After several uncomfortable minutes of being dragged along the floor, we came to a halt. The front of the bag was being opened up by a very out of breath pony, and they kept fumbling with the drawstring. Finally, they managed to untie the drawstring and pulled it loose. After several minutes spent in the dark, the light blinded me upon my exit of the bag. I squeezed my eyes closed.

A giggle came from my abductor, who then sniffed at something.

"Smells good!"

That voice sounds oddly familiar...

"Maybe I should eat one just in case?"

It couldn't be...

"No, Pinkie! You baked these treats for your new friend!"

I got abducted by that pink cokehead?

I sat up and forced my eyes open, and beheld a pale horse. No, just kidding. It was actually Pinkie Pie, with a tray full of cupcakes on the table next to her.

"Oh, you're awake now! I thought you were taking a nap, so I didn't want to wake you up, because that'd be mean and I don't want to be mean to my new friend, then I saw the cupcakes and remembered how yummy cupcakes are and.."

"Pinkie."

"That's me!"

I was taking deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. Just being around Pinkie Pie is enough for a migraine.

"Can you explain to me why you stuffed me in that bag and took me here?"

She giggled. "That's easy! At Twilight's house when you said that joke I thought you were funny, and I like jokes, but then I thought about how I like cupcakes too, and then I thought you might have never had a cupcake before, which would be sad because they're so yummy, and maybe you'd smile if I baked you some..."

"That doesn't- wait, did you say you baked me cupcakes?"

"Yuppie guppie duppie! These are for you!"

She grabbed the tray with her teeth and walked over to me. She dropped the tray on my lap, and grinned from ear to ear. I carefully poked one of the cupcakes, afraid that it might disappear. Convinced they were real, I tore into them like a bulldozer. I haven't had cupcakes in years, not since my grandma was healthy. These cupcakes might have even been better than the ones baked by my grandma, so I almost teared up. Pinkie was hopping around, ecstatic that I liked her treat.

In between mouthfuls, I managed to choke out, "Pinkie Pie, if you weren't a pony, I'd marry you."

She giggled yet again. "Marry me? Like, Mr. And Mrs. Cake?"

Finishing the last of the cupcakes, I took a sad glance at the empty tray. "I guess so. Jesus, that was good."

Now comes the real issue: Twilight has no idea where I am. She's probably panicking right now, searching everywhere for me. This isn't really my fault though, so she shouldn't be angry at me.

I thanked Pinkie yet again for her godly cupcakes, and got ready to leave. Right before I left, however, a container caught my eye. It was a glass jar with a metal top, and it was full of little white cubes; sugarcubes. It reminded me of my grandma, who would always put sugarcubes in her tea rather than normal sugar, for some reason. Pinkie probably caught me staring at the sugarcube jar, as she walked over to the other side of the counter and shoved it at me. In a panic, I quickly caught the jar and gave Pinkie a glare.

She replied to my glare with a smile. "You can have those!"

I was caught off guard by that. "Huh? How come?"

"This is Sugarcube Corner silly, we have lots of sugarcubes!"

In a way, that made sense, so I just nodded and left. Pinkie was definitely on my good side after that cupcake feast she prepared for me. Like they say, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Not that I'll be falling in love with any ponies anytime soon, or anything.

Sitting down on a nearby bench, I took one of the sugarcubes out of the jar and just stared at it. I could almost smell the scent of tea wafting through the air, with my grandmother sitting there on her big couch, smiling. She would slowly pick up one of the sugarcubes and drop it in her tea. The cube would hit the bottom of her cup with a clink, some of the tea splashing upwards. Even though my grandma loved it, I didn't like tea very much back then, as it would always scald my tongue.

Suddenly, I remembered about how I was supposed to find Twilight, and I jumped up off of the bench. A light green pony passing by squealed a bit, startled by my sudden movement.

"Oh crap, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you."

She looked terrified that I was talking to her, and started shaking a bit. I'm getting seriously sick of these ponies and their scared responses. Then again, maybe I should've foreseen this when I came strutting into town with a hammer. Note to self: ponies don't like hammers.

"Hey, do you like sugarcubes?"

She squeezed her eyes closed and nodded her head, shaking all the while. While she wasn't looking, I walked over and put the jar of sugarcubes in front of her. Then, I quickly escaped, leaving her to discover her gift. I had no use for them, and maybe if I give the ponies presents they will like me! Like Santa Claus, or in my case, Stanta Claus. Okay, maybe not.

Yet again, I caused an uproar as I walked through town. The ponies whispered profusely as I walked by, others ran to hide in their houses, and a small percentage just stared. Same old, same old. However, it seems like it's getting a bit better. Maybe I'm just being optimistic.

I tried to locate Twilight and her group to no avail. I didn't even have a clue on how to get back to the library. Twilight showed me around, sure, but I doubt anyone could memorize every nook and cranny after only one trip around. Besides, I really wasn't paying attention to her tour anyways. I'm not planning on staying here for long, so I don't need to get familiarized. As soon as Celestia figures out how to send me back, I'm as good as gone.

No sooner had that thought crossed my mind than I bumped into a white unicorn with electric blue hair, tripping over her and also knocking her down with me. Her purple glasses flew off, landing on the ground. Her magenta eyes narrowed into a scowl as she stood back up. The glasses glowed a light blue as they flew up and refitted themselves on her face. If only ponies weren't so short, this might not happen so often.

"Watch where you're going, bro! What are you, a foal or something?"

I was in the midst of getting up when I heard "bro". My whole body locked up as my brain tried to process what just happened.

TRUE OR FALSE? She just called me "bro".
☑True
☐False

Holy crap. I don't even know how to react right now. Ponies call each other bro?

"Hey, you alright? You're not lookin' too good."

I fell backwards, landing flat on my butt. My iPod slipped out of my pocket and clattered on the ground. The white unicorn gasped in extreme thrill and snatched it up.

"No way! This is the newest generation iHerd! They only made like 100 of these, where'd you get your hooves on one?!"

Somehow, even though her hoof was much bigger than a finger, she pressed the home button and unlocked my iPod. I don't understand the whole "iHerd" thing. Do they have iPods in Equestria too?

Before I could grab it back, she'd already unwrapped my earbuds off and was listening to my music.

"Yeah buddy! This is what I'm talkin bout! These buds are messed up though."

She took the earbuds off and magic'd them to me, along with the iPod. I checked it and saw that she had been on my Electro House playlist.

"Sweet. Not that many House fans in Ponyville. Hey, we should totally chill sometime, you know? The name's Vinyl Scratch. Friends just call me Vinyl. Whattabout you?"

I cleared my throat a bit. "Stan. Stan Baine."

She nodded her head in approval. "Sick name, bro! Hey, I'll catch you later, alright? Octavia's making sammiches today, and I don't wanna be late. Peace out, Stanbane!"

Grinning like a madman, Vinyl dashed away at the prospect of "Octavia's" sandwich. I was left sitting there on the ground, bewildered. Why would she talk to me if all of the other ponies are so scared? It didn't make any sense to me, but I didn't dislike it. In fact, her personality reminded me a lot of some friends from home. She's definitely likeable, and I'll take her up on that offer to hang out one day. For now, I just have to focus on getting back.

Apparently, somebody really wants me to stay down, as I was tackled to the ground as soon as I stood up. Rainbow Dash stood over me like a fierce gladiator about to kill his opponent. It would suck if she killed me though. For me, at least.

"Where in the hay did you go? We've been lookin' all over for your sorry flank!"

In return to her question, I gave her an awkward smile. "It's a long story, actually."

"Save it for later!"

Before I could ask what she was doing, Rainbow Dash grabbed my shirt with her teeth and extended her wings. The cyan pegasus gave me no time to protest before she lifted off the ground and tried to fly away. Just as I expected, we came tumbling back down merely seconds later, and I fell flat on my face. So far, this day has been full of me falling, and it's not pleasant.

"What in the hay do you eat!? You weigh like, as much as three earth ponies!"

Either she just called me fat, or I'm really way heavier than ponies. Seeing as how I'm not overweight, and I keep knocking over ponies by barely walking into them, it's probably the latter. Which makes sense, in a way.

Trying to avoid the embarrassment of her failed attempt at flight, she jumped back up and into the air.

"Whatever, just follow me! Try and keep up, okay?"

A millisecond after she finished, she disappeared with a whoosh and a rainbow tracing her path. There was no way in hell I could keep up with that, unless I had a jet. Then again, I'm no pilot, so I probably still wouldn't keep up.

Seemingly cursed to wander this town forever, I trudged on. I passed by fruit stalls, buildings, and even more whispering ponies. Obviously, even if I asked them for directions, they wouldn't be much help. Most would probably just run away. Knowing that, I just walked in the general direction Rainbow Dash had gone and hoped I'd make it to the library.

This might take a while.

Celestia strode into the library, her majestic hair flowing off to the side. The unicorns inside stood up and quickly bowed, before sitting back down and continuing to read their obscure books. One of them split off of the group and walked over to Princess Celestia, looking very worried. She was Star Fall, one Celestia's unicorn chancellors, and part of the Royal Magic Consortium. Celestia had given the Royal Magic Consortium the task of finding a way to send Stan back to his home world. Now, she had come to check on their progress.

Judging from Star Fall's face, Celestia knew that something had gone wrong.

"Is there some sort of problem, Star Fall?"

Star Fall readied herself, hating to be the bearer of bad news.

"Well, Princess, we made an astonishing discovery today."

Celestia pretended she didn't realize things weren't going well. "Oh? And what would that be?"

Star Fall pawed at the ground, anxious. "As you requested, we looked into the event which brought Stan here. Using some powerful time magic, we went back four days and saw exactly what happened. He appeared in a massive white explosion above the canopy and came crashing down. While that in itself isn't extraordinary, the explosion was. Our research team attempted to measure the energy sent out from the blast, but we couldn't do it. It was more energy in one spot than we have ever encountered before. In fact, I'm sure if we went there today, there would still be remnants of the energy laying about."

Although Celestia has heard many strange things over the years, this topped the list. Never before has anypony traveled in such a way, leaving such destruction in their wake. After she had teleported him away, Celestia had gone to Stan's landing site, and seen the damage first-hoof. Many trees had been knocked over, the grass burnt away, and a crater in the middle of it all. Indeed, she had detected the leftover energy Star Fall described, and it had been strong. This just served to confirm her suspicions.

"So then, have you found a way to send him back?"

Star Fall frowned, and shook her head. "Princess, I fear that that may be impossible. If we need the same amount of energy to send him back, none of us could do it, not even you or Princess Luna. Also, we still haven't found exactly where he first came from. I'm sorry, but we're working as hard as we can."

Princess Celestia was expecting something like this, but it still stung. She had promised Stan a way home, and she fully intended to do it. The Royal Magic Consortium was skilled, but it didn't have very many members. As such, their progress was slow. As much as she wanted to, she wasn't able to give Star Fall and her colleagues the extra help they needed with Umbra limiting her moves. Before she can send Stan home, she has to beat Umbra.

Walking to her room, she realized Stan deserves to know about this predicament. Although he probably wouldn't like it, he still needed to know.

So Celestia wrote a letter to Twilight Sparkle, instructing her to bring Stan to Canterlot.

"I SWEAR I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! SERIOUSLY! STOOOP!"

The pony lynch mob didn't falter a single bit, completely ignoring my protests. As such, I continued to run for my dear life. However, I remembered my lesson on pony speed from the castle, and I tried to go through as many obstacles as possible. Although jumping over carts, hopping wooden fences, and going through alleys slightly slowed the earth ponies and unicorns, the pegasi weren't bound to the earth and easily kept up. Every now and then, one would fly down and attempt to swing at me, so I'd be forced to dodge. I knew that if I hit them back, things would only escalate.

This whole situation had come about because of a stupid little kid pony. He or she (I really couldn't tell at the time) had come up to me. I crouched down and asked the little guy where his parents were, when some idiotic pony accused me of trying to eat her. Everyone flipped out and came at me, obviously for some payback. I had two choices, 1) Stay there and get the crap beaten out of me, or 2) Run and make myself look even more guilty. Guess which choice I made?

My stamina was seriously starting to fail on me. The constant parkour and looking around for incoming blows wasn't easy to keep up while running a marathon. This is the first time I'm thankful I joined the marines. Their training from hell served me well in this screwed up place. Day after day, my life has been on the line. It's not exactly fun.

We've been outside of the town for some time now, and some of the ponies aren't chasing me any more. I guess they aren't used to chasing after big two-legged monsters, as they just collapsed on the road. However, their sacrifice only fueled the others' desire to catch me, and they were running even faster. I hopped yet another fence, running into a bunch of apple trees. Not literally, of course, as that would have been a horrible way to get caught. Instead, I ran around them and prayed the ponies couldn't keep up. The trees slightly helped against the pegasi, who had to be more careful as to not fly into a branch. Other than that, they didn't do much.

Up ahead I spotted a giant red barn. I madly dashed towards it, hoping that I could take cover inside until the ponies calmed down. Right before I got there, I spotted something running towards me from it. The ponies had set a trap for me! However, it was too late for me to change directions, so I just ran on towards it. After all, one pony wouldn't be able to stop me.

Upon getting I bit closer, the pony running at me was revealed to be Applejack. She looked confused and angry at the same time, probably because I brought a horde with me. Thankfully, rather than stopping me, she ran past me and faced my attackers. As she was now my best bet for survival, I hid behind her.

"Now what in the hay are y'all doing?"

They stopped and voiced their outrage to Applejack, describing how I had viciously snatched away a filly and attempted to eat her. After they were done, Applejack turned to me and gave me a concerned look. I quickly explained to her the truth, and she nodded.

"Now, are y'all sure this isn't a big misunderstanding? Was anypony actually harmed?"

The crowd thought about it for a second, before uncomfortably realizing that Applejack might be right. They all agreed that it was a misunderstanding and left. Obviously, Applejack held some influence over them. As to why, I have no idea.

"That was way too close. Thanks, Applejack."

She turned around to me and gave me a harsher look than I expected.

"Hold the thanks, sugarcube. I'm taking you to Twi, and she ain't too happy about you leaving during our tour."

Against my will, she grabbed onto my shirt and dragged my to my fate. Yet again, I'm in trouble because of a misunderstanding. This pattern just keeps on repeating over and over again, doesn't it?

I looked around for a method of escape, but found none. Seeing as how Twilight would bust my chops if Applejack really took me back, I was extremely unwilling to go. An idea formulated in my head, however, when we passed by the apple trees. If Applejack owned so many apple trees, she probably sells the apples, right? So, if someone were to steal her apples...

"Oh no! Applejack!"

While gripping my shirt with her teeth, she still managed to talk, somehow.

"What?"

I squinted off into the distance. "Someone is stealing your apples! Quick! Go get them!"

She sighed. "Ah can tell you're lying."

Hey now, even if that wasn't my best acting, I still considered it pretty good! That someone like this country girl could see through my lie, even if it was simple, surprised me. I took it as a sign that I won't be able to escape, and ceased my struggle. Hopefully Twilight won't refuse to feed me, or something.

Fallacies and Fury

"You seriously aren't mad?"

Yet gain, Twilight nodded her head. After getting dragged all the way to the library by Applejack, I had expected to get yelled at by Twilight. Contrary to my expectations, she wasn't that mad. Apparently, Pinkie Pie had come by earlier and explained to Twilight that I "went to visit her". While slightly irritated that I left in the middle of her tour, she was still impressed that I could make it there be myself. So rather than her punishing me, we were about to go get something from a restaurant. It probably wouldn't be as good as the food at the royal palace, restaurant food is always great.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?"

Twilight was still tidying up a few loose books, putting them in their right spots on the shelves. My stomach wasn't willing to wait for her, and almost started grumbling. However, I quickly tightened my abdominal muscles, preventing it from making a sound. If I got too used to the constant stream of food here, it will be much harder when I get back and into my old schedule again. As such, I should really try to hold back a bit.

Spike suddenly burped and a little green flame bolt shot out of his mouth, forming itself into a letter. Twilight and Spike acted like that was normal, but it definitely didn't seem like that to me. Coughing up letters would be something one should mention to a doctor.

Twilight used her magic to unfurl the letter and started reading it. Sometimes, I envied her magic. It seems so amazingly convenient, I mean, with it I wouldn't have to ever get up from the couch to grab the remote! I'd just magic it over to me, and not even have to touch it. Or, I could . Maybe I could even turn myself invisible and sneak into movie theaters for free! Actually, I think I understand why I wasn't born with magic. That was probably a smart move on someone's part.

Twilight finished reading the letter, and looked over at me. The moment her eyes met mine I knew that letter was about me. And considering that the last letter was addressed to Princess Celestia and sent in nearly the same way this one was received, I had a hunch about who wrote it.

"Princess Celestia said that she wants us in Canterlot as soon as possible. She said that she has some news to give you."

Suddenly, I felt my energy rush back into my body. Obviously, that letter meant that Celestia found a way to send me back! I completely forgot about the food and rushed Twilight, but stopped myself before I gave her a hug. It might be too early to celebrate.

Princess Celestia has proved herself a master planner yet again. As if she knew that I would want to get to Canterlot as soon as possible, she sent a carriage to pick Twilight and I up. We left Spike behind to take care of the library, and Twilight promised him we'd be back shortly. For a second, I was worried that the guards pulling the carriage would remember me and dump me in some freezing mountain, but they were Pegasi, so I felt a bit better. The ones that assaulted me at the castle were all Unicorns and Earth Ponies, I hadn't seen a single Pegasus guard among them. These ones even wore a different color armor, gold, rather than the silver of the ones I was used to.

Twilight and I boarded the carriage, and I hesitantly sat down. Now that I think about it, I've never liked roller coasters. And judging from the lack of seat belts, the carriage was just like an extreme roller coaster. Traveling by roller coaster didn't seem like the best idea, and I wanted to get off. However, before I could get back off and reassess my options, the carriage took off. The guards were going surprisingly fast, considering the fact that they were pulling a considerable amount of weight. Would Twilight be offended if I commented on how much we must weigh? I smirked at the thought.

The smirk was quickly wiped off of my face as we ran into some turbulence, or something. Point is, the carriage got shaky for a couple seconds. My hands locked onto the seat in a death grip, and I remembered why I never liked roller coasters. BECAUSE HEIGHTS SUCK.

Princess Celestia anxiously awaited for Stan to arrive. When she had told her sister about his return to Canterlot, the lunar princess had been excited. However, she didn't know the uncomfortable situation Celestia had been placed in. Celestia had always hated disappointing her subjects, and this would be more than a mere disappointment for Stan. While she didn't know him too well, Celestia had gotten good at judging other over the years. If her intuition was correct, Stan wouldn't react too kindly to the news. Stan had proven himself more than capable of hurting somepony, and she was afraid about what he'd do.

With a sigh, she realized that worrying about it wouldn't fix anything. She could only wait and see what would happen.

"Never....again...."

I was holding onto my stomach in fear of losing its contents. The ride had proven itself not as smooth as I hoped, and I felt like I was dying the whole time. Twilight laughed at me a bit, finding the whole situation hilarious. If had died on that carriage, I totally would've haunted her forever. That jerk.

After a last groan of agony, I struggled back onto my feet. I was very close to showing a very rude hand motion to twilight, but I stopped myself. I'd hate to leave on a bad note, just in case.

As if finally remembering that we had somewhere to go, Twilight stopped laughing at me and we headed off towards the Castle. It looked way bigger on the outside than it had on the inside, and I finally realized just how huge it was. No wonder I wasn't able to find the entrance and escape. A newfound respect for the Princesses and their servants was born in me, mostly out of pity. Having to clean that huge thing must be a royal pain in the ass. Hah, royal.

The guard led us through the winding halls and passages until we finally arrived at the throne room of the palace. Celestia sat there on the throne, looking solemn. Then again, she probably always looks like that.

Twilight and I walked up to her, and stopped right before the stairs leading up to the throne. Twilight bowed, but I didn't do that sissy stuff. If she's not my leader, I see no reason to bow to her. Twilight got back on her feet and gave me an angry look, upset that I didn't bow. However, at that point, I was so pumped to finally be going back that I didn't even care.

Right before Celestia could say anything, I cut her off.

"Listen, Celestia, I'm really thankful for everything you did for me. Although I have some new scars..." I looked at my stitched shoulder, "... it was still pretty cool here. We got off on the wrong foot, but you still treated me nicely. Honestly, if our roles had been flipped, with you coming to Earth, I doubt you'd have gotten the same treatment. Which is why I respect all that you've done even more."

For some reason, rather than making Celestia smile, my goodbye speech only seemed to worsen her mood. Maybe she just really hates goodbyes? I still continued, slightly less sure of myself than before.

"So, before I leave, I just wanted to let you know that I won't forget you guys. You and Luna, and even Twilight. All of you are now officially my friends. Count yourselves lucky, I tend to be very picky!"

I chuckled a bit, and waited for Celestia to return the gesture. She didn't. Even with all of that sugarcoating, she still didn't bite. Her silence was starting to worry me a bit.

Finally, she lifted her head and stared right at me. I recognized the look in her abnormally large magenta eyes. It was determination, the look one has when steeling themselves for a hard task. Determination, like a warrior before battle. Determination does not belong in her eyes right now. Why is it there?

"I can't send you home yet."

A sinking feeling spread through my body like a dye dripped into water. There's no way she was serious, right? If she was, then why would she call me out to Canterlot? Wouldn't it have been easier to just send a letter? Unless... she's playing a prank on me! That's probably it. Wow, I got really worried for a second there.

I laughed a bit at Celestia. "Yeah, yeah, you got me. Good job, you scared the big man."

She still didn't laugh, instead, her head hung down a bit. It was all that I needed to understand the horrifying truth. I'm not going back. Ever. Celestia looked into it, and found out it's impossible. It all makes sense, now that I think about it. She called me here to apologize, something that can't be done over letter. Disappointment quickly turned to anger, and I felt myself shaking a bit.

In a last desperate attempt, I scanned Celestia's face for any sign that she might be joking. Anything I could grasp onto, any small detail. I found none. Deep down inside, I knew this was going to happen. However, I still got my hopes up. I'd imagine anyone in my situation would.

"You... you lied to me."

If words could harm someone, my words were like a giant slap in the face for Celestia. She closed her eyes, as if trying to shut out what was happening.

"You lied to me."

Lies. I hate lies. Like those smiling, back-stabbing doctors who would tell you all is fine, only to dump the truth on you months later.

Celestia tried to regain her composure, but only slightly succeeded. "We're still trying to find a way, but Umbra-"

"Shut up!" I snapped at her.

The second Celestia pulled the old "Oh, we'll keep trying!" trick on me, a switch was flipped somewhere in my head. All of the disappointment and anger that had been swirling around inside me turned into fury. Pure, blinding fury, which paved the way for its good friend cynicism.

"Ohhhh, I see! It's actually Umbra's fault, isn't it? Yeah, it's some shitty little wannabe terrorists that are keeping me from going home!"

She tried to shake her head a bit, to try and deny what I said. No matter what she'd done, I'd have still just gotten angrier. Which is exactly what I did.

"'Sorry, Stan! We actually don't give two shits about you! We're too busy playing around with some arrogant pricks to care about you! Maybe later, okay?'"

Twilight's horn lit up, and she pointed it at me.

She looked as mad as I was, albeit at me. "Apologize to the princess!"

"Aww, widdle Twi-Twi mad?"

Gritting her teeth, she shot a bolt of something at me. The Princess yelled out for Twilight to stop it, but it was too late. I was given no time to dodge, and the bolt impacted me. It slammed onto my chest, and I waited for my death. It never came, so I assumed it failed.

Even angrier because Twilight attempted to hurt me, I jumped back onto my feet. A voice in the back of my head whispered to me, telling me to kill her. I almost complied before I realized whose voice it was. Misanthropy.

Gripping my head, I screamed out. I had played right along into Misanthropy's trap, and almost killed someone. Before things got any worse, I dashed out the doors of the throne room. Celestia's voice called out to me, but I completely ignored it. What I needed most was to get away.

"Princess... I-I don't know what came over me. I just saw him insulting you and I couldn't take it."

Celestia nodded, understanding her student's anger. However, she was still surprised that Stan hadn't been harmed by Twilight's bolt of lightning.

"There was no harm done, as you held back. Now, we just have to give Stan some time to calm down."

Twilight still was upset though. She looked Celestia in the eye, and gulped.

"But Princess, I didn't hold back. I fully intended to harm him, but it was like my magic just disappeared on contact with him."

Celestia was reminded of the time she and Luna tried to heal Stan. The same thing had happened back then as well. Almost as if his body rejected the magic, or maybe even absorbed it. There are spells which do exactly that: shield the user, but they take the form of a bubble when used. Stan did nothing like that, so Celestia assumed he hadn't used any magic. But if it hadn't been magic, then what protected him from the spell?

Luna suddenly burst into the room, running over to Celestia and Twilight. She excitedly looked around, but didn't find what she was looking for.

"Sister, one of the maids informed me that a strange creature walked into the throne room. Was it Stan? Where is he right now?"

Celestia was taken aback at this new development. As she knew Stan wouldn't take kindly to the news, she made sure LUna wouldn't be around when it happened. The last thing she needed was he sister's opinion of Stan being ruined. She was hesitant to answer, to protect both Stan and her sister's dignity.

Luna was surprised by Celestia's silence. However, she knew her sister rarely does anything without a reason. Her silence must have a reason as well. A reason pertaining to Stan, which made Luna all the more curious. Luna's horn lit up, and she searched for the presence she knew as Stan. She found that he was quickly moving through the castle, much like the last time she used this spell. With a grin, she ran off to find him. Celestia yelled for her to stop, but just like Stan did before her, she ignored Celestia.

Celestia let out a small groan. "Does no one listen to me anymore?"

My mind was completely blank. I didn't dare think about any of my actions, I just ran. Away from anything that lived, away from everything. My heart pounded faster than Tech N9ne rapped, but I didn't care. My legs, overtaxed and underpaid, screamed for me to take a break or sit down, but I didn't care. My lungs burned at every breath I took, but I didn't care. I just continued my mad dash towards some hiding spot.

Eventually, I found myself headed right towards a window. I recognized it as the very first window I had seen during my first attempt at escape from the palace. With no other options, I launched myself at it, covering my face with my arms. Time almost seemed to slow down, like in a Hollywood movie. It felt like several seconds before my body contacted the cold glass of the window, smashing through it. The shards rained upon me, and several embedded themselves in my exposed arms. The pain was minimal, however, as adrenaline still rushed through my veins.

I wildly tried to grasp at the wall of the castle, searching for anything that would slow my fall. The stone was unnaturally smooth, and provided me with nothing to grab on to. I was forced to settle with just pressing my hands against the wall, and hope that the friction would slightly slow things down.

However, the powers that be had a different plan in mind for me. My feet connected with the cliff that sloped up the side of the castle, which sent me tumbling it. I bounced down and flipped several times, each time hitting harder than the last. Eventually, I slammed down onto solid ground with a crack, and felt every ounce of air get pushed out of me. I painfully gasped at the air, desperate for another breath, but nothing came. Every second felt like a year of agony, as the air crept back into my lungs with each breath. I made the mistake of trying to take a deep breath, only to feel my sides explode in a fresh new wave of pain. As my adrenaline started to fade away, it only got worse. Deep breaths wouldn't help me here.

Although it was a rather extreme thing to do, it got the job done. I could no longer feel Misanthropy's influence in my mind. Once again he had receded back, biding his time until he tries to take over again. If I could have raised my arm at all, I would've hit myself, hard. Not only did I probably piss off the princess, I also cracked or broke something in my chest area. My ribs, I assume.

I tried to chuckle, but my broken rib reminded me that it was in charge. Like a beach, I was assaulted by wave after wave of pain. Basically, my whole body felt like a giant pile of crap.

Dizziness descended down upon me, the whole world spinning around and around. I new that that couldn't be a good sign, and decided to check my body.

Slowly, I tilted my head over and saw that my arms were covered in blood, most likely because of the glass. My hands felt rubbed and raw from their intimate session with the stone wall, and my legs burned from the mad dash through the castle. Embedded in my chest was a rather large piece of glass, and blood poured out of the wound. That'd probably be why I felt so dizzy: blood loss.

I seriously pushed my body to the limits since I arrived here, and this is the result. I'll die here, my whole life having gone to waste. After all, Celestia obviously won't be coming, and I can't move. Unable to move and with nobody to rescue me, I just sat there. Away from home and friends, my life slowly ebbed away. I'd have liked to say that I didn't regret anything, but that would be a lie. I most definitely regret trusting that dumbass Dr. Lancaster.

Still, I couldn't help but smile. Although I had lots of bad experiences in my past, I had lots of good ones too. To be honest, before coming here I had little to no problems. Sure, I had to crouch every time I got in the shower because the shower head was too low for me, and I ate Ramen noodles for every other meal. My front door was slightly rusty, and creaked like no other every time it was opened. Yet, that stuff was minor. I had friends, a relatively stable life, a house, everything. Hell, I even got to be the first person to encounter aliens. That might not have been good enough for some people, but it did the job for me. I'd have liked to be able to settle everything before I died, but that was obviously not possible.

I hope they have Pinkie's cupcakes in the afterlife.

THE END.

Or is it?

Right before I closed my eyes for the last time, I saw a dark blue angel descend down. No, it'd be incorrect to call her an angel. She wasn't an angel. She was Luna, coming to my rescue. God, how did I manage to forget about her? Every time my life's been in danger so far, she's come running to the rescue. Apparently, this was no exception.

I tried my best to smile at her. She was absolutely horrified at my condition, and looked on the verge of panic.

"W-what... What happened?"

Painfully, I drew in enough air to answer her.

"I tripped."

Completely ignoring my joke, she scanned my body and saw all of my wounds. Actually, scratch that. I doubt she saw my obviously broken rib(s). Her horn lit up, and I waited for something to happen. Surprisingly, nothing happened. Her eyes widened in terror, before promptly shutting themselves and her horn was covered in a blue light. The light got steadipy stronger and stronger, and started to give off small sparks. Still, nothing seemed to happen. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open, but I persevered. Luna still had some trick up her sleeve, I was sure of it.

Her trick was revealed to me. It was trying again. Much like last time, nothing happened. She tried yet again, her blue light turning blinding white. I figured that even if I stayed awake, I wouldn't be of any help to her. I closed my eyes, thinking that I should just take a little rest. Just a short, harmless little nap.

Luna finally stopped her frantic attempt at healing Stan. No matter how much power she put into it, Stan's injuries remained. Just now, Stan had closed his eyes, which gave Luna a renewed sense of urgency. She could only think of one magic that might be powerful enough to help Stan: The Elements of Harmony.

After a quick check to make sure Stan was still breathing, she teleported to her elder sister. Celestia and Twilight were still in the throne room, waiting for Luna to return with Stan. When Luna returned empty-hoofed, however, they were naturally confused.

"Stan's dying. We need the Elements of Harmony. Now."

Upon hearing Luna's outlandish statement, Celestia didn't question her sister. She understood that if what Luna said was true, they had very little time to act. Wasting any of it could be a grave mistake. Although taxing on the mind, Celestia and Luna forwent the traditional setup required for long-range teleportation, and substituted it with raw power. It worked, and they found themselves in Twilight's library, in Ponyville.

Sparing no time for a break, the trio teleported around town, snatching Twilight's best friends away. Once they all were gathered, Celestia hastily explained the grim situation to the panicking ponies. The five Elements nodded, understanding what their job was. With an even bigger amount of power than the last, the Princesses teleported themselves to the castle. They were both feelings the effects of their reckless use of magic, but Luna especially so.

Even so, the whole group rushed over to Stan's location, willing to put in everything they had in them to save his life. Even if he hadn't been here for too long, nopony wanted for him to die. Luna quickly checked Stan's pulse, only to find that she could barely feel it. There was puddles of blood around his arms, a piece of glass in his chest, and a small trickle of blood ran down the side of his mouth. Not a very pretty picture.

Twilight and the rest were feeling the pressure. But even more than that, they felt determination. All of them knew what w Twilight summoned up the now-familiar feeling of her Element of Harmony, Magic. The rest did the same, and their corresponding Element appeared. Twilight felt the pure power of her Element course through her, before passing on to her friends. Each time it passed along, it would pick up some more power.

Once all six had contributed their share, the now rainbow colored magic swirled around the group. It continued swirling that way, until suddenly it changed course and shot straight at Stan. They all watched as it surrounded him, and waited for something to happen.

White. Everywhere. Just like Heaven, everything was a pearly white color. Nothing seemed to have any form, and distance didn't seem to exist here. I looked under me, only to see the same white color stretching down to infinity.

"Whoever did this really likes to screw with people's head."

"Should I take that as a compliment, then?"

I whipped around to face the new speaker. Rather than seeing someone, I saw something. A bright light, to be precise.

"I am more than mere light, mortal."

I was taken completely aback. Not only had the light read my thoughts, it responded, too!

"Perhaps I should take a form you're more familiar with."

No sooner than the light finished saying that, than I saw a beautiful young woman appear before me. A human woman. She had long, blonde hair, gray eyes, and impossibly good looks. Her skin was perfect, no wrinkles or blemishes anywhere. I could tell her beauty was natural, the type a goddess would have.

"Your fascination with this form is amusing."

Yet again, she read my thoughts. However, when she spoke, her lips didn't move at all. Strange.

"Thoughts and spoken words are one and the same here. Your ignorance can be forgiven, young one, as none of your kind have ever been on this plane."

Plane? What does she mean by "plane"? Who is this strange woman?

"I suppose that, indeed, my existence is strange to you. That is understandable."

Remembering that she can read my mind, I carefully picked my next words.

"Who are you?"

Yes, they were very carefully picked. A conversational masterpiece.

"If you are referring my name, know that I have none. Names are but a mortal's vanity and serve me no purpose. If you wish for something to call me, Calypso will do. It is fitting enough."

Calypso... That seems oddly familiar for some reason.

"Okay, uh, Calypso. Why am I here?"

She offered me no answer, and instead chose to stare at me. Her emotionless eyes seemingly bored holes into me, and it was getting uncomfortable. Finally, she looked away.

"You're a special existence."

"Special?"

Her body stood deathly still, which creeped me out. The only way I knew she was alive was from the occasional movement of her eyes.

"Indeed. You have been chosen, selected from innumerable candidates. You shall serve this Calypso, and be her tool."

She might as well have named herself Enigma, because she made no sense to me.

"And what was I picked for? What do I have to do?"

Again, instead of answering, she chose to stare at me. This time, it took a bit longer for her to finally respond.

"All will be revealed in due time."

"So, what, am I some sort of hero or something?"

"That would be fitting."

What? Me, a hero? She sure has a weird sense of humor.

Calypso stared at me yet again, with those exotic gray eyes of hers. This time, rather than just looking away, she did a full 180 turn.

"They let me pick, did I tell you that? Choose whichever one I wanted. I did my research, watched as you became the hero I needed you to be. Like the others, you were strong and swift and brave, a natural leader. But you had something they didn't. Something no one saw but me. Can you guess? Luck. Was I wrong?"

She turned around to face me, and I started cracking up.

"You SO stole that off of Halo 3."

"An attempt at 'breaking the ice', if you will."

I shook my head. If I didn't know she could read my mind, I probably would've flipped a crap because goddess-light things play Halo.

"So tell me, what are you? First you were a light-thing and now you're a woman. Are you a goddess?"

"Nay, young one. I am no god or goddess, merely a caretaker."

"Caretaker? What do you take care of?"

"Balance."

She was seriously getting more and more confusing by the second.

"Okay, how does one 'take care of balance'? Also, if you weren't joking about that whole hero thing, why me?"

"Full of questions, aren't you? Curiosity is a good quality. A bird who does not seek the air will stay grounded with the beasts of the land."

After a quick snap of her fingers, a book appeared. It floated itself over to me, so I reached out and grabbed it. I opened it and flipped through all the pages, only to find that it was completely blank.

"What is this? And how come it's blank?"

"That book contains all the knowledge you will need. Our time is limited, so I am unable of telling you everything. As such, that book will serve us both as a way of communication. Do not lose it under any circumstances, for I shall not create another."

Obviously, since she said that, I'm now gonna lose it somewhere. Thanks for jinxing me, Calypso.

Suddenly, she floated over to me.

"That is all, young one. Now, I leave you with a gift."

Her silky smooth hand reached up and lightly touched my face. A sense of euphoria was sent through my body, and I felt like all of my problems suddenly didn't matter anymore. Now, I could take on anything in the world and succeed!

Calypso faded, turned back into the bright light-thing, and disappeared. I felt myself waking up, and the euphoria ebbing away. Shucks.

Author's Note

This chapter was so much fun to write, I hope you guys enjoy it just as much as I did!

Revival

“The phoenix must burn to emerge.”
― Janet Fitch

The Elements of Harmony and the two princesses waited with bated breath for any signs of life from Stan. After the extra powerful blast of magic had encircled his body, it disappeared into him to do its job. Whether or not it could was the question.

Every single one of them was shaken up at the sight of his mangled body, but couldn't take their eyes off of him. They hoped the spell would save him, but with each second that passed, their hearts grew heavier.

Twilight blamed herself for Stan's current condition. She thought that if she hadn't fired off that lightning bolt at him, he wouldn't have got this hurt.

Celestia faced a similar predicament. She felt like she had truly failed Stan, and caused his rampage. She was only half-right.

Even Pinkie Pie was feeling gloomy, her once vibrant and puffy mane having deflated and straightened out. She was slightly trembling, on the edge of bursting into tears.

After another minute heavy with sadness, Princess Celestia resigned herself to Stan's fate, as even the Elements of Harmony hadn't worked. Stan's death left more questions than answers, the main one being his supposed immunity to magic. The more Celestia thought about it, the less it made sense. If he had this level of immunity towards magic, then how had she and her sister managed to teleport him? Sure, the second time they did there had been some complications, but Luna pulled it off easily the first time.

Celestia looked away from Stan's remains. She had seen many, many deaths over her long reign, but this one was among the worst. Not the most gruesome, and not even the saddest either. No, what made it so bad was the confusing nature of it all. A new species appears in Equestria, demonstrating themselves as partially immune to magic before nearly going on a rampage, then promptly dying. To top it all off, it was obvious Stan had jumped out the window. The reason why was about as clear as mud.

After Celestia had looked away, all the other ponies realized the sick truth. Stan had indeed died. Some collapsed on the spot, others started to weep, and others shook their heads. One of them, however, refused to believe that Stan had truly died. After all, he had lived through the attack from the guards, an assassin, and survived in the Everfree forest. She knew that he wouldn't just go off and die like this. So while the other lost all hope and wallowed in despair, Luna remained steadfast. Because of this, she was the first one to see the signs of life slowly return to Stan.

The color slowly returned to his face, as his blood started pumping through his veins again. His heart pumped fast, toiling away to send blood through his body. The glass fragment were pushed out of him as his wounds healed. The skin regrew perfectly, leaving no scars or other signs that there had even been an injury in the first place. His fingers twitched, before clenching into a tight ball. After a small gulp of air, his lungs rapidly restarted. Luna smirked, her guess having been right on the money. Stan wasn't dead.

His eyes flickered, and opened up. Confused, he took a quick look around. After gaining his bearings, he sighed and sat up. Everypony except for Luna stood still, amazed at his "sudden" revival. Stan smiled at them, before promptly turning to his side and vomiting all the contents of his stomach out. A few awkward seconds later, he wiped away the bile from his mouth.

"Yo."

The ponies were all overjoyed that the spell had finally worked, and their tears ran anew. This time, however, their tears were that of happiness, not grief. Fluttershy was really letting the waterworks flow, as she hated seeing anything in pain. Watching Stan almost die had proven very difficult for her, and she was immensely glad he survived.

Luna shook her head, almost as if she was amused.

"You really like terrorizing us, don't you?"

Remembering the scene at the prison with the nurse, Stan returned her smile.

"It is one of my guilty pleasures in life."

However, the smile was suddenly wiped off of his face. He looked disturbed and deep in thought. Fluttershy asked him if he was in pain still, but he ignored her. He had stumbled upon a revelation. Suddenly jumping up, he screamed into the sky.

"Now I remember, dammit! Calypso, the Sweet Nymph! Trapped Odysseus on his island and made love to him for seven years! Why don't I get the same treatment, you jerk?!?"

He cursed himself, the heavens, and the Republican party for his misfortune. Kicking at the ground, his foot hit the glass shard previously embedded in his chest, still covered with his blood.

"This sucker was inside my chest? No wonder I was bleeding out. Dang."

Everypony was still stunned at his sudden outburst, but no questions were asked, mostly because they knew by now that hoping to fully understand Stan was impossible. Some were a bit embarrassed by the way he screamed about sex out loud, and their faces flushed red. Still, they were glad he was back. And so was he.

When I get my hands on that damn Calypso...

Wait, that sounds too rape-y. Scratch that. I'll keep my hands off of her. Unless she tells me to, in which case...

God, I seriously need a life.

The ponies were leading me back towards the throne room. They tried to convince me to get a full medical checkup, but I shot them down. Not only did I doubt that pony doctors could give a human a checkup, but also I just didn't feel like it. I trusted that whatever healed me did the job properly. Pinkie had told me about how they'd used the Elements of Harmony to save my life, fighting off dragons and other "beasties" in the process. If these Elements of Harmony really saved my life, then what did Calypso mean when she said that she "left me with a gift"? I thought the gift had been her healing me, but I guess that's not the case.

We arrived at the throne room, and went inside. I winced as I remembered how furious I had been at Celestia, and I wanted to make it up to her. She really didn't deserve to get yelled at like that.

A round table and some chairs were brought over for us to use while we talked by some maids. I appreciated the gesture, as the round table indicated that we all were equal. It was nice to see an uncorrupted monarch every now and then.

We gathered around the table, and sat down. My mind had been too preoccupied with trying to figure out Calypso's riddle to notice we were sitting. By the time I snapped out of my daze, everyone had sat down. Seriously, when will I ever get to see how they sit down?

I knew that I had to apologize to Celestia no matter what, and I decided to start talking before anyone else could take my chance.

"...and then it was all sparkly and it flew and surrounded you.."

Oh, that's right. Expect the unexpected with Pinkie. I had to settle with talking after she was silenced.

"Listen, Celestia, I'm sorry. What I did was completely uncalled for. If there's anything I can do to apologize, tell me now. That excludes me becoming a slave, or that kind of stuff, though. That stuff is just weird."

Celestia smiled, a good sign.

"You don't have to do anything. It was partially my fault-"

"No, it wasn't. It was 100% me, and I will make it up to you one way or another. So don't try to get out of this."

"Even so, there is nothing that I need you assistance with."

I remembered her saying that the reason that I couldn't go back was Umbra. The perfect way to make it up to her was revealed to me.

"I'll join the effort against Umbra."

Celestia was caught off guard by my sudden proposal, and everyone around the table was stunned.

She managed to force out a "no", but I didn't have any of it.

"You know that saying 'as stubborn as a bull'? Well, bulls have a saying that goes 'as stubborn as Stan'. And I have my mind set on helping you. If that means I have to kick some ass along the way, so be it. Besides, I have a trump card up my sleeve now."

Celestia regained her composure, and shook her head.

"I can't place you in any more harm than I already have. I'm sorry."

"I don't know if you noticed or not, but I pretty much just died out there. If I can survive that, I doubt anything Umbra can throw at me will kill me now. I'm serious about this. If they're truly the only reason you can't send me home, then the faster they're gone the faster I'm gone. Basically, you can't refuse."

Celestia was in a bind now, and she knew it. Still, she didn't seem completely willing yet. Luna also looked pretty upset about the idea of sending me into battle. Actually, would they even send me into battle? How do ponies do warfare? With my luck, they probably use pies for bullets or something crappy like that.

"We can discuss that later. For now, I have some questions I want you to answer."

Changing the topic, huh Cellie? That wasn't very subtle.

"And what would they be?"

This time, Luna spoke up.

"For starters, why did you jump out the window?"

They were treading into deep water, a subject I really didn't want to talk about. However, I have some questions too, so I supposed it's only fair for me to answer.

"To clear my mind."

Never said I'd give them a detailed answer, did I?

Applejack waved her hoof around, asking for me to elaborate. "Clear yer mind from what, sugarcube?"

Sugarcube. An image of my grandma flashed past my mind, but I shoved it away. Now is not the time to get sentimental.

"Nuh uh uh, Applejack. An answer for an answer. Now tell me, what are these Elements of Harmony?"

Twilight was quick to explain to me the long history of the Elements, from the time Princess Celestia and Luna used them ll the way to the present. Twilight had the Element of Magic, which meant that she was like a walking tank in terms of power.

Fluttershy was the Element of Kindness, which made lots of sense. On that topic, she was sending me guilty looks every now and then, but I don't remember her doing anything wrong.

Rarity was the Element of Generosity. I hadn't talked to her that much back in Ponyville, so I couldn't comment on it.

Applejack was the Element of Honesty, which also made a lot of sense. That perfectly explained how she saw through my lie so easily, and knew that the crowd misunderstood my intentions. Thank god I bumped into her rather than someone else.

Rainbow Dash was the Element of Loyalty. I also don't know too much about her, other than the fact that she seemed to have a grudge against me or something.

And completing the picture, Pinkie Pie was the Element of Laughter, which is self-explanatory. She does weird things, ponies laugh, etc. etc.

And together, the six Elements are in charge of keeping things in harmony. That sounds awfully familiar to what Calypso said:

"Nay, young one. I am no god or goddess, merely a caretaker."

"Caretaker? What do you take care of?"

"Balance."

Odd. Which reminds me: Calypso gave me a book, didn't she? So, where's the book?

I reached in my pocket and my fingers hit something. It was the book in question, somehow fitting in my front jean pocket, without ripping it or even touching my leg. Calypso, stop breaking the rules of Physics.

"Hey, are youuu listeniiiing?"

I was brought back to reality by Pinkie Pie, who was waving her front legs about wildly to get my attention.

"Like I was sayiiing, why did you need to 'clear your mind'? Was it all dusty?"

Yes, Pinkie, my mind was full of dust. Your logic is amazing.

"I almost made a huge mistake, and that was the only way I could stop myself."

Pinkie Pie shrugged, not understanding anything.

"My turn again. Why did you have to resort to using such powerful magic for me? Is it because I was close to death?"

Celestia and Luna looked each other in the eye before looking back at me.

Luna shook her head in disbelief. "Are you saying you didn't know you're immune to magic?"

Several gasps were heard from around the table, and Twilight's jaw dropped low enough to hit the ground.

"Immune to magic? Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so," Celestia replied.

So if I truly am immune to magic, then it must have been Calypso who healed me. Was that her 'gift'? However, if I'm immune to magic, how did she heal me? Does she use an alternate form of magic? Do goddesses even use magic?

I had many question to ask Calypso, and decided to try and use the book as soon as possible. For some reason, I felt like I shouldn't let everyone see the book yet. My instincts have proven right several times on this jacked up misadventure, so I'll trust them.

"Are you sure I'm immune to magic? That doesn't make any sense at all."

This time, Twilight spoke up. "You did tell me that humans don't use magic, so maybe that's the reason why. As your world doesn't have magic, your body isn't used to handling it like our bodies are. That might change over time, though, if your body starts getting used to Equestria."

What Twilight said made sense. My body has never encountered magic, so it rejects any contact with it; ergo, my body is immune. If I seriously fight against Umbra and his assassins, that will be extremely handy. Stan 1, Umbra 0.

Wait a second, my body rejects the magic? That sounds awfully familiar to an allergic reaction. If I break out in hives every time I get hit by a firebolt, that'll be a problem.

Celestia frowned. "But for some reason, we can still teleport you. Luna did it to bring you to the castle, and we also used it to send you to Ponyville."

"Sure, but don't forget that I disappeared for two whole days after that second try."

Celestia winced at the memory, as did Luna. Why would they wince when I was the one who got screwed over?

I scratched my chin, and noticed that my beard was starting to grow back. That reminded me that I haven't showered, shaved, nor brushed my teeth once since coming to Equestria. I must look and smell god-awful right now. On top of that, I'm still wearing the same ripped shirt and jeans that I was before, except now they're both covered in blood and the shirt is basically a rag with tons of holes in it.

"By the way, can I get some new clothes made or something? This shirt isn't exactly... A shirt anymore."

Everyone's nausea obvious, Celestia nodded. Before she could say anything though, Rarity practically jumped out of her seat.

"Darling, please wait! I'm just dying to try out some new designs on you! If you come to my boutique I'll take your measurements and make wonderful clothes for you to wear!"

"I mean, I don't have any money. I can't exactly pay for something from a boutique."

Rarity fluttered her eyelids at me. "No need to worry about that! I'll give you a special 100% discount for first time buyers only!"

I see. Rarity, the Element of Generosity, just offered me free clothes. Now I understand why she's the "Element of Generosity".

"I guess I'll do that then. Thanks, Rarity."

She smiled at me, and leaned back.

"Oh hay! I never got ta tell mah family where Ah went! Princesses, Ah'm awfully sorry, but Ah gotta git goin' now."

Rarity also realized that she had things to do, as did Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. They all went off to board the train home, and Twilight went with them to the train station. That left the Princesses and I alone.

"So, are you ready to accept the fact that I'm gonna kick Umbra's sorry ass?"

Celestia frowned, and sighed.

"You're impossible."

Taking a note from Big Bang Theory, I replied:

"I can't be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, 'You're improbable'."

Luna stifled a laugh while her sister sighed again.

"You just proved my point."

God, I love me a hot shower. Luna had offered to let me use her shower, and I had jumped on the idea. I had been covered in blood, sweat, and dirt for way too long by the time I stepped in the shower. The warm water scrubbed my body clean of grime and my worries as well. The only downside was that I didn't have my shampoo, nor my body gel, so I was forced to use whatever was in Luna's bathroom. Which meant that I'd have to use girly smelling shampoo, yay! Color me excited.

Confirming my fear, I squeezed out some of the feminine scented shampoo onto my hand. However, it wasn't as bad as I expected. It smelled like coconut, which I actually like. Yeah, I have a soft spot for coconut scented shampoo.

I rubbed it into my hair, a thick lather covering my head. Then, I stepped back into the water and washed it all out, the foam going down the drain. I used a bar of pineapple scented soap (Ugh.) to wash my body, and then I was done. After I turned the shower off, I stepped out and dried myself off.

While in the process of drying my family jewels off, I heard the door get burst open. Luna came running in, screaming at me to stop. She froze when she saw what I was doing though, and so did I.

Several long seconds passed, neither party moving nor saying anything.

Then, another towel levitated over to me. I grabbed it out of the air and wrapped myself in it, covering myself up.

"Thanks."

"Oh, yeah, no problem."

"Man, these towels are soft, you know?"

"I agree, they are very well made-"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING IN HERE?"

Luna squeaked, and ran out of the bathroom. I slammed the door shut after her, pissed. Seriously, who just walks into the bathroom when someone else was showering? What's up with these ponies?

Shaking all of the water out of my hair, I looked into the mirror. I snapped both of my fingers, pointed them at my reflection, and grinned.

"Lookin' good, Stan!"

My brown eyes seemed to twinkle in response, as my medium length brown hair floated-

Wait, WHAT?

I grabbed at my hair, trying to make it stop. When I let go, however, my rebellious hair continued swaying, as if some wind was blowing it. God damn it, Luna.

Celestia and Luna were trying as hard as they could not to laugh, and also failing miserably. I sat there with my arms crossed and a murderous look in my face.

"Why is my hair friggin' floating? THIS ISN'T NATURAL!"

Luna waved a hoof at me, trying to calm down and stop laughing.

"Haha, it's because you -ha!- used my shampoo. Hahaha, Celestia's and my shampoos have magic in them that causes that. That's why I ran in, to warn you not to use it..."

She then burst into laughter again, as I sat there. The maids had somehow been quick enough to wash my boxers, jeans, and socks before I came out of the shower, and it felt good to have fresh clothes on. My shirt was beyond any hope, though, so I just told them to throw it away.

And that's why I sat there, shirtless and with floating hair. Life could be better. It certainly could be worse, though.

Author's Note

This chapter is a bit shorter, but have no fear! I should be able to crank out another normal-length one in a couple of days. If you haven't already, you guys should check out my newest story, A God's Masquerade. I get more ideas when I'm working on multiple things at once, so I think that this new story will improve As It Were's quality. Um, I mean, if that's okay with you guys. :yay:

Anti-Umbra Task Force, a.k.a. the Pony Power Rangers

Twilight Sparkle walked into Luna's room, quickly bowing to the princesses present. She looked around and spotted me, breaking out into laughter merely seconds later. Unamused, I crossed my arms.

"Yeah, laugh all you want. I should've seen this coming. Using girly smelling shampoo is never a good idea."

Both of the princesses chuckled, and I had a feeling that they did this whole thing on purpose. While it was annoying, it was a completely harmless prank. Hell, if I hadn't been the recipient, I'd probably have laughed, too.

After Twilight's laughter died out, things got serious. Well, as serious as it could've got, as I was shirtless and had floating hair.

"So? Have you decided to hire me yet? I'm very good at what I do, I promise."

Celestia rolled her eyes at me. Oh, that glorious, inexplicable feeling one gets when they annoy the magical monarch of an alien world. There's none other quite like it.

"I know well enough that violence is a strong point of yours," She paused for a moment, and shuddered. "But I'm afraid I can't let an outsider deal with my problems. No matter how you try to put it, I won't let you."

I sighed, slightly irritated by the fact that Celestia still thought she could stop me.

"Well, that sucks."

Celestia smiled at me. "I'm glad you decided not-"

"Not for me, no. It sucks for you, because now I'll have to find this Umbra queer myself."

Celestia frowned, confused by my big claims.

"But how does that... 'suck' for me?"

Oops.

"Well... I didn't really think that far ahead. I was just kinda hoping you wouldn't ask."

Everyone shared a chuckle at my response, deviating from the serious atmosphere for a few seconds. The atmosphere returned soon, however, as everyone thought about the implications of my words. They all gave me worried looks after they realized that I wanted to go off solo and take Umbra on.

Twilight was the first to speak up.

"But... Umbra is a powerful unicorn with a whole army! How will you defeat that many ponies?"

Flexing my biceps, I raised my arms up.

"With these guns!"

Before I put my arms back down, I gave each bicep a quick kiss.

"Seriously, though, I think you forgot that I'm now immune to magic or whatever. I don't care how powerful he is if he can't touch me. As for the army? I've already survived one of his assassins. With a little training and some study into pony physiology, I can take even more on."

Unconvinced, Twilight was still worrying, as were Luna and Celestia.

"Look, I'm not a little kid. I can handle myself, you don't need to worry about me. It's not like you're my mom..."

I winced at the unintentional mention of my mother. Before they could notice anything, I quickly cleared my face of all emotion.

Luna wasn't buying any of it.

"Stan... once you've seen somepony almost die, you can't just let them go off into danger again."

"Hey, keyword there is almost. As long as I don't actually die, I'm fine. Unless I break both of my legs, or something. That'd get in the way, you know?"

Looks of horror plastered on everyone's face was not what I was going for, but it's what I got.

"It was just a joke, just a joke. I'm not planning on breaking any of my limbs anytime soon."

Celestia looked me straight in the eye, and asked, "I wonder what kind of life you've had to make you say such dark jokes?"

"My life wasn't nearly as horrible as you might think it was."

Twilight added in, "You taught me that in many cases, humans and ponies have different views on what counts as 'horrible'. Is this one of those times?"

"No, it's not. I honestly didn't have that bad of a life. Lots of people had lives much, much worse than mine."

The room went slightly silent, and Luna seemed like she suddenly remembered something.

"It's almost time for me to raise the moon!"

She dashed out of the room, presumably to go and raise the moon. Celestia got up as well, and looked ready to leave.

"We'll continue this talk tomorrow. We've all had a long day, and some rest is in order."

After she gracefully left the room, and Twilight followed her out, I was left alone. Finally, a chance to check out the book presented itself to me. I dug it out of my pocket, and somehow pulled it out, even though it was several times bigger than my pocket.

Opening it to the first page, I saw that it was still blank. I flipped through the whole thing, and there was no writing or marks of any kind in the whole book. How was I supposed to learn from an empty book?

I then remembered that scene in Harry Potter where he gets the diary, and then writes in it. If only I had a pen, I would've done the same thing. Instead, I just put the book back in my pocket. Somehow, it was shrinking to be accommodated in my pocket, yet it still felt the same size when I reached in to touch it. It was like my left pocket suddenly became a portal.

In a panic, I quickly checked my other pocket for my iPod. Thankfully, it still was in there, with my headphones wrapped around it.

I stood up, and walked over to the window. It was night now, and I basked in the soft glow of Luna's moon. I hated sounding so sappy and romantic, but I thought about how nice the stars looked. Each of them was like a small beacon in the sky. Maybe Earth orbited around one of those distant stars? I leaned on the window, and just kept gazing out at the sky. A feeling of homesickness spread through me, but I locked it away. Thinking about my home won't help me actually get there.

Luna appeared outta nowhere and walked up beside me, noticing my gaze upwards.

"Do you... enjoy the night?"

"Yeah."

She went silent for a bit, and we both just stood there, looking out the window. Yeah, perhaps I could've answered her better. I certainly could've answered worse, though.

"There's... not many ponies that enjoy the night. A long time ago, that led me to making some... rash choices."

Casting a smile her way, I stretched out my stiff back.

"Well, a lot of humans enjoy the night, if that makes you feel better. It's not the same night, I guess, but whatever," I paused for a second as I stretched out my arms. "You know, I'm one of those people. The night is much calmer than the day. Everything is silent, dark, almost magical. Actually, let's pretend I didn't say any of that. I swear you ponies are making me go soft."

She smiled tenderly.

"Thanks, really. I appreciate it."

To my surprise, she nuzzled up against me, rubbing her head on my shoulder. I almost flinched and jumped back, but I held myself still through pure willpower. If I backed away from this, not only would Luna be embarrassed, but she'd probably kick me out of her room, too. Women are fickle creatures.

She pulled back, and looked me in the eye.

"Although it shames me to say it... I don't have very many friends. It's funny, isn't it? A princess that doesn't have any friends. But you, you're different. You like the night, and you're fun to be around-"

Ohgodnonononononono-

"- I'm glad I met you, Stan. You're my friend, and that's why I don't want you to fight Umbra. I don't think I could handle you getting hurt again."

Thank the lord almighty! I was thinking that she was going to tell me she loved me. That would've put me in a world of trouble.

With a sigh of relief, I replied, "Sure. That's understandable. I consider you a friend too, I guess. I mean, you did save my life and all. Twice. But here's the thing: I don't belong here. It's obvious now, even to a doofus like me, that I came here for a purpose. After that is over and done with, I'll be going home. And I sorta like my home. By not permitting me to fight, you guys are preventing me from possibly going home. That's just plain cruel. You're clipping my wings, in a sense."

Her head dropped as my words hit her hard. Although I felt bad, I'd feel worse if I was stuck here forever. Like they say, choose the lesser of two evils.

With a heavy heart, she said, "I understand. I'll speak to my sister about it. However, you have to agree to one thing."

"What would that be?"

"You're going to get trained by our elites. If we're to send you out there, I want to make sure that you can survive."

Curious as to what pony guard training actually looked like, I agreed.

"Good. You'll start tomorrow."

She turned around, as if to leave.

"You may use my bed tonight."

"Well, won't you be joining me-"

AH SHIT!

That came out wrong. So, so, so very wrong. I meant to say something like, 'Won't you be going to bed too?' but the words came out wrong.

Accidental innuendo is funny around friends, but dreadful around women. I hope she thought it was just a human thing. If I tried to explain myself, that would ruin all chances of her thinking it was a joke. This could turn out very badly for me.

Luna stared at Stan, trying to understand what he just said. After she had given him permission to sleep in her bed, he had asked her to join him. She was trying to decide whether he understood what he just implied or not.

If he did, that meant he was romantically attracted to her. While Luna didn't particularly mind interspecies courting, it was still shocking to think that Stan might think of her that way. She didn't exactly reciprocate his feelings of love, but she also didn't want to possibly insult one of her very few friends.

On the other hoof, it might just be a human custom. The more she thought about it that way, the more sense it made to her. Humans invited their friends to sleep next to them, and they bonded that way. It wasn't considered sexual, it was just something friends would do; a strictly platonic activity.

Either way, she was sure that the easiest way to go about things would be to just accept.

"Uhm, I-I don't really have anything to do tonight anyways, so... I guess I can."

Oh god no.

She accepted.

What. The. Eff.

What could this mean? Either A) she fell in love with me, or B) it's a pony tradition. I really doubt A, as I'm a freakin' alien, so B makes more sense. I've seen way more of what I think are chicks, so if two girl friends were to sleep in the same bed, that'd be okay. Maybe she just saw me as a friend rather than a guy, and accepted because of that? God, I hope that's what it was.

"Haha, uh, okay. Well, uh, I'll be going to bed now..."

How am I supposed to sleep? Should I take my jeans off? Keep them on?

I turned around, and saw that Luna's sparkly jewelry and shoes were levitating away from her body, before dropping into a neat pile on top of her night stand. She looked naked without them, even though she basically never wore clothes. New levels of awkwardness arose as I decided to take my jeans off. After I removed all of my clothes, (except for my boxers of course, I wouldn't dare go without those) Luna walked over to her side of the bed (the left) and lied down. I did the same on my side (the right), and the lights instantly turned off.

Even though I had been faced with electric appliances before, it just now came to me that perhaps Equestria has electricity. I didn't know what to make of it, as it just added to the mysteries of this land. So many things were extremely similar, yet so many were radically different. If I had been the scholarly type, I might've written said things down, but I wasn't, so I didn't. Thinking about that took my mind off the fact that I was sleeping with a foreign land's princess, and I soon found myself falling asleep. Tomorrow would be a big day.

"Well, well, well. You got lucky this time, coward."

I opened my dream-eyes, and I was at the ever-so-familiar grassy field that denoted Misanthropy's presence. With a sigh, I stood up to face him.

"What the fuck do you want, Miss-'Debbie Downer'-Anthropy?"

He smiled his annoying smile, as if my words didn't affect him at all.

"Ah, but I know you too well for your insults to work."

He suddenly disappeared, and I heard his voice come from behind me. I turned around to face him.

"I know that you resort to insults to hide your own insecurities. I know everything about you."

"Good, then that means you know that I think that you're a giant, flaming idiot with a hard-on for pain. Find some dominatrix instead of screwing with my life."

His smile was replaced by a frown, as his face contorted into anger. "Your rebellious attitude tires me. Do not ignore the fact that you were the one who created me. I simply serve your wishes."

Even if he was right, I didn't want to let him hurt anyone anymore. I created Misanthropy in the back of my mind when I was younger and dumber, but I now had no use for him anymore.

"If I made you, that makes me your master. Your master says 'Go fuck yourself', and also wants you to get out of his mind."

Just to be annoying, he disappeared again, appearing on the top of a nearby hill. I could still somehow hear him as clearly as if he was right next to me, though.

"I follow your true wishes. Even if you do not know them, I do. I'm your subconscious, after all."

"Don't B.S. me. If you followed my true wishes, you'd be gone, asshole."

He appeared in front of me, that arrogant smile plastered on his face.

"You are confused and cowardly, and you also don't know how to properly use the gifts bestowed upon you! A pitiable existence."

By "gifts", he must've meant... Calypso's gifts?

"How do you know about that?"

Suddenly bursting into laughter, he bent over, before falling down to the ground in his hysteria. Eventually, he calmed down enough to answer me.

"I see and experience all which you do! Everything! Like I said, there's nothing about you that I don't know."

"Then tell me about this damned 'gift'!"

"All in good time, Stan. All in good time."

His smirk was wiped off of his face, and he abruptly looked up to the sky.

"What is THIS?"

Right before I looked up as well, I saw him pop out of existence. I could've sworn he screamed right before it happened. Anyways, I looked up, and spotted a giant rip in the sky. Unlike the blue, cloudless sky, it was a dark yellowish orange. An extremely fast tendril shot out from inside of the tear and grabbed me. I started screaming, but the tendril showed no relent. It swung back up, and I was pulled into the rift. The last thing I saw was the rift closing back up. Then, I was enveloped in the orange light of the strange new land.

I blinked, and found that the tendril wasn't wrapped around me anymore when I opened my eyes. Furthermore, I was standing on solid land, albeit completely black and rock-hard, solid land. It was some sort of cliff, and I stood near the top of the whole thing.

The cliff was above the clouds, and I couldn't see to the bottom because of it. Painting everything a nice, golden hue, the sun stood in stark contrast to the black cliff. It was a nice scene, and for some reason I didn't feel sick, even though I hated heights.

A giant, black ball shot out of the clouds, then stopped in front of the sun. It completely blocked the sun from my view, and a shadow fell upon me. The shadow made everything extremely dark and it was hard to see. Still, my eyes slowly got used to it, and things started getting even weirder.

The light warped around the black ball, but was tainted in the process. Rather than the gold light it used to be, it became a disgusting dark orange, mixed with black every now and then. All of the tainted light formed a corona of sorts around the black ball, and it waved about wildly. The whole scene reminded me of a solar eclipse.

Then it came to me. It was supposed to be like a solar eclipse. However, it was far more than that. If my solar eclipse terminology is right, then the shadow I'm standing in....

... is called the Umbra. Everything clicked in my head. The black ball probably represented Umbra, and the beautiful light and sky was Equestria. Umbra tainted Equestria, he was trying to twist it into something horrific. All of the disgustingly colored light represented his taint, and ho he destroyed the beauty of Equestria. The black cliff probably represented me, and how I was a foreign existence to Equestria.

The shadow, his umbra... that represented his influence. It was spreading out all over Equestria, and if something didn't stop him, he'd ruin all of it. Sadly for Umbra, there was one guy that wouldn't let his plans work. That guy happened to be me.

My badass boast was interrupted when the black ball started moving. Something huge was coming out of it, and straight at me. I realized that it was a giant arm, a human arm. It reached out at me, and continued coming out of the black orb. Eventually, the hand was right above my head. The fingers quickly closed themselves around me, and I panicked, leading to my inevitable awakening.

That dream was messed up. First Misanthropy comes along, then there's a metaphor about Umbra. Even Misanthropy was freaking out when he saw that tear in the sky.

Murmuring to myself, I tried to stretch out. My left arm glided past some soft texture, while my right was immobile. Confused, I checked on my other limbs.

Head? Eh, I can move it.
Left leg? Yup, mobile. I can feel that same soft texture on my leg.
Right leg? Nope. It's asleep, like my arm.

Thoroughly confounded, I opened my eyes to see what was going on. I guess that was what I should've done in the first place.

OH SHIT. I forgot Luna was in the bed with me! That soft texture was her coat. I wanted to punch myself, as I forgot that I tend to roll around in my sleep. Somehow, I had wrapped around Luna while we both slept. She was laying on top of my right arm and leg, and I had been like, cuddling her. Note to self: never ever ever ever do this again.

If anybody saw us, things could get very bad...

As soon as I sad that, the door opened up. Really? Why did I have to jinx myself like that?

"Stan, are you in here-"

She paused as soon as she saw us in the bed.

"This isn't what it looks like, I swear!"

She blushed, and looked away.

"Do you two... need a moment?"

WHY DID SHE HAVE TO BLUUUUSH? WHYYYYYYYYYY-

"I DON'T NEED ANY MOMENTS! JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Oh my... Even though you say it's not what it looks like, you're still cuddling her."

"Half of my body is asleep, just get her off of me!"

After a yellow glow lifted Luna up slightly, I was able to crawl my way out of bed. I lied on the ground, groaning as blood pumped back into the right side of my body. My whole body felt ablaze in pins and needles. Celestia chuckled at my pain, that jerk. These princesses and their apathy...

Luna slowly woke up, and she looked around.

"Morning, 'Tia."

She got up, and all of her jewelry flew back onto her. Celestia greeted her, and they went out of the room together. I was left in the room, half numb and wondering what the hell just happened.

Breakfast went as well as one would expect. We all sat down, we ate some food, (I had a Caesar salad, with ranch dressing. Yeahhh buddy.) and nobody really said anything. Any pressing matters were put aside until we finished breakfast.

After breakfast, however, came another round of negotiations. It was mostly just Celestia and I arguing over whether or not I could join the Equestrian anti-Umbra task force. She was adamant about keeping me away from any fighting, but I was just as unyielding about doing it. The question was, who would crack under the pressure first?

Celestia was good at what she did. Years of negotiations with foreign diplomats, royalty, and her own nobles left her with a keen edge over my limited skill. I was just used to either having people instantly agree with me, or just not even arguing, i.e. in the case of my grandma. My grandma would preach on and on about the magic of compromises, but that wouldn't help me here. Either Celestia gets her way, or I get mine. There was no middle ground.

Being forced to argue my position against such an experienced, master debater (teehee) slowly wore me down.In the end, I realized the best way to win an argument is through physical prowess.

"What would it take to convince you I can do it?"

Celestia stared at me, unblinking. "Nothing. I'm not willing to let you."

She sure knew how to get on my nerves. However, all was not lost. I remembered Luna's deal: get trained by the royal guards, and then I can go out and fight. Not bad.

"What if I got trained by your guards? If you're sending them out to fight, then if I had their skills, you could send me out to fight, too."

She pondered upon that for a second, and smiled. "Why not?"

Her smile was slightly unsettling, but that didn't matter. She gave me a chance, and I wasn't willing to throw it away. My ticket home rested on kicking the shit out of Umbra, and figuring out Calypso. It was too suspicious how I was in the same.. err, plane... when I first met Calypso and when I came to this world. Even an idiot would realize that they were somehow linked together, and I could even go as far as to place some of the blame for my arrival here on Calypso.

Anyways, I got pumped up to be doing something. Laying about all day didn't really agree with me.

"Commander Rising!"

The dark gray captain whipped around, and saluted Celestia. There was all types of ponies in the large yard behind him doing different exercises.

"Need something, Princess?"

"Yes. I brought someone who'd like to join your team."

He scanned the surroundings, and skipped right past me.

"And where is this prospective recruit?"

"He's right before you, Rising."

Finally, the gray Earth pony's eyes settled on me. He scanned my body, looking for any source of weakness.

"Are you sure about this, Princess?"

Celestia nodded her head. "I am. After all, he's the one that caused that big stir in the castle a few days back."

Rising's eyes filled with both respect and anger, no doubt because he was both impressed by my deed, but angered that I hurt his friends.

"Well then, I guess I can't take him lightly. What's your name?"

"Stan. Stan Baine."

"Alrighty then, Stan. Come with me. Princess, you can leave this to me. I'll whip him into shape."

Celestia smiled, and left us to our business. In the meanwhile, the commander was explaining the goal of his team and the different subdivisions. There was a special team of Unicorns that used offensive magic, and another one that used purely defensive magic. Some even were healers, but there was a scarce amount of those.

The Pegasi served as scouts and also light infantry. They would fight in small skirmishes, sometimes with swords, and sometimes from up high with bows. They were more numerous than the unicorns, and seemed to stand apart from them. Dividing even further between themselves, the bow users practiced their archery on some wooden dummies, the sword users were fencing, and the scouts were improving on their speed and stealth.

Rounding out the team, the Earth ponies were the heavy fighters. They wore much more armor than their Pegasus and Unicorn friends, and served as the "knights". If this was a video game, the Earth ponies would be the Warriors, the Pegasi would be the Archers or Rogues, and the Unicorns would be the Mages and Clerics. All of them working together formed a nice synergy, and I respected that.

"Now, I've got no idea what you are or how you got here. The Princess trusts you, and that's enough for me. What I do need to know, is how you fight. I'm putting you through every type of training here to see where you fit in best, understood?"

"But I can't fly, or use magic-"

"Now, now! Don't start complaining already! You've got a whole lotta work ahead, understood?"

What did I get myself into?

First, he put me with the Earth ponies. While I was a foreign creature, he understood what muscles meant. As I had my shirt off, he got a good look at my body. Sure, it wasn't as good as when I was in the Marines, but it's still pretty smokin', if I may say so myself.

They didn't have any armor made for me yet, so I couldn't wear anything. Just in case though, a unicorn assistant came by and took my measurements, promising to deliver them to the Royal Blacksmith.

Instead, they dropped a sword into my hand, and told me to go crazy on a dummy. This dummy wasn't made of wood like the archery one, as that would dull the blade fairly quickly. No, the dummy was a sack filled to the brim with hay.

Following their directions, I used the limited knowledge I had gained from watching Braveheart and took a stance. With a yell, I brought the sword down with all of my might. It hit the sack, and bounced off. Laughter resounded around the Earth ponies from my massive failure.

Rising came towards me, trying to stifle a laugh.

"Maybe swords aren't your thing. Let's move on."

Next was fist fighting. In case they lost their weapons on the battlefield, all of the Pegasi and Earth ponies needed to know how to fight bare-handed. I suppose it would be called "bare-hoofed" and "hoof fighting" for them, though.

I succeeded at not bursting out in a giant smirk. They had no idea that fist fighting was my specialty.

One of the burlier Earth ponies cracked a grin and came out to fight me. All of the ponies dropped what they were doing and came to watch. Obviously, they just didn't like me because I wasn't a pony. Xenophobia, xenophobia everywhere.

The ponies formed a circle around me, every one of them excited to see me get my butt handed to me on a silver platter. Little did they know, it wouldn't go that well for them.

The Earth pony threw around a few insults about how weak and scrawny I was, even though I was tall. The peanut gallery were loving it, and started cheering for him and chanting for my loss. It only made me want to win that much more. There's a reason you don't poke a hornet's nest, son.

He slowly came at me with that grin still plastered on his face, completely underestimating me.

"It's time for me to show you how things are done around here, little filly!"

He took one more step, and I saw my chance. Just in case he wisened up and was going to take me seriously, I threw in a feint. A quick step to the left confirmed my suspicions, as he started to swing a hoof that way. Unfortunately, I sidestepped to the right and kicked up. My foot connected with the base of his head, and he staggered back.

"What... the hay?"

The crowd went silent. None of them expected me to actually land any hits on him, nor to be able to dodge his hoof. I could easily do both, you dumb ponies!

After a furious puff of air escaped from his nostrils, Big Bertha (that's what I nicknamed him) charged at me. I acted like I was going to take his charge head on, and he grinned. Right before he connected with me, I jumped up and brought both feet crashing down on the top of his head this time. This blow was much harder than the last, and he slammed down into the ground. Without a doubt, that blow gave him a concussion.

Sadly, it sent me stumbling down as well, as I screwed up my landing. I fell back onto my butt, and Big B got back up. He completely ignored the injury I dealt him, and was about to charge me again. This time, I wouldn't be able to get out of the way quickly enough.

"That's enough!"

Rising came in and motioned for us to stop. cries of outrage could be heard from all around, but all the ponies needed to shut up was one angry glare from their commander. He ran to my side, and I stood back up.

"That was... amazing! Standing on two hooves really makes you a good fighter, doesn't it?"

I gave him an arrogant shrug.

"That wasn't my best fighting, either. I didn't want to hurt the big guy, as you'll be needing all the soldiers you can get."

He regarded me with a look of respect.

"Not only skilled, but honorable. I commend you. Shall we move on?"

"Yup, let's go."

We moved on from the Earth pony camp, and onto the Pegasi part of the yard. Rising completely ignored my protests about me not being able to fly.

He pushed me onto the archery range, and thrust a bow into my hands. I actually was decent at archery, and by "decent" I mean that I once got a bullseye from 40 feet away in the eighth grade. Heck yeah, bragging rights!

After I was provided with some arrows, I found them to be extremely different than human arrows. They had some sort of hook in the back of the arrow, presumably for staying on the bowstring. It made sense, seeing as how ponies don't have fingers, nor the grip strength that comes with them.

I put the arrow on the bowstring, and pulled it back. It pulled back surprisingly easily, and I aimed it towards the target. I concentrated on the red circle in the middle of the dummy's chest, and let the arrow fly. It whizzed away, and flew right past the dummy. Yet again, the crowd erupted in laughter.

I called Rising over, and he looked disappointed. I guess he expected me to be good at more than one thing. High standards don't get you far, man.

"Listen, this bow is weak."

He gave me an apprehensive look.

"That's a standard issue bow. It's not weak in any way."

"Sure. Just bring me like, a heavier and stronger bow."

It really had been "weak", in my limited archery knowledge. It pulled back too easily, and so the arrow went all over the place when I shot it. If I got a heavier bow, I might be able to aim better.

Rising got one of the Pegasi to bring me another bow, and they brought out a giant one. All the ponies snickered while it was being brought to me, and Rising groaned at the sight of it. Obviously, it was supposed to be some sort of prank.

They handed me the bow, and I picked it up. It was pretty heavy, and felt good in my hands. For some reason, it was still unstrung. I'd seen enough Robin Hood movies to know how to string a bow, though.

"The Test of the Great Bow, huh?"

I put one end of the bow between my feet, and grabbed the string. It actually strained my muscles to pull the darned thing half of the way up, but I persevered. Slowly and steadily, I brought the string closer and closer to the notch on the other end of the bow. At this point, my brow was beginning to leak sweat like a fountain (not exactly, but whatever), and the muscles screamed at me to stop. I screamed back at them, telling them to shut up. I was too close to give up.

With a final heave of effort, I landed loop on the notch. I had successfully strung the bow!

Even the ponies that were jeering at me before were impressed, and cheered for me. Rising looked like he wanted to kiss me, but I didn't get close enough to him for that to happen. He finally managed to choke out a few words.

"That... that's amazing! Nopony has strung that bow since Eagle Eye owned it. We just keep it around as a reminder. Looks like their joke turned against them."

Any feelings of xenophobia in the Pegasus camp were replaced by respect. I couldn't say the same about the Earth pony camp, but hey, it was enough. Slow and steady wins the race.

Rising said I could keep the bow, as noone else could even string it. It was just a decoration for them, but it could actually be useful to me. That is, if I can learn proper archery. My arms were too tired to try and shoot the bow, so I just carefully unstrung it. One of my new Pegasus friends brought me a decorated quiver to go with the bow, and I was told it had belonged to this "Eagle Eye" as well. Cool.

In reality, it probably isn't that impressive that I could string it. My back muscles were much more massive than the athletic, but relatively scrawny Pegasi. It was almost obvious that I would be stronger than them in that regard. Speaking of which, how do they string bows without fingers? Double yoo, tee, eff.

Thankfully, we skipped past all the knife and sword fighting. My arms just weren't ready for it. Instead, we went to the unicorns, even though I insisted that I was about as magical as a fart. Still, I was brought to the offensive magic group.

One of the older-looking ponies came over. He was obviously everyone's elder in respects of age and power, as the Unicorns gave him respectful nods when he walked by.

"Commander Rising Morale. Who is this, that you have brought to us?"

"This... err, what were you again?"

One facepalm later, I responded with, "A human."

"Yeah, that! Well, this human is Stan Baine. He strung Eagle Eye's bow and beat Lance in a sparring match. I'm here to see if he has any magic talent."

"Which I don't."

The wise pony nodded his head, taking in the situation. He scanned over me, his eyes almost piercing into me.

"I see, I see. Leave this one to me, Commander. You go off and take care of the others, I'm sure there's work for you to do."

Rising nodded, and left the scene. I was now alone with an old wizard pony, who was probably deranged and wanted to teach me magic. The pony beckoned for me to follow, and I did.

"So... What's your name, uh, sir?"

"No need for the "sir", human. You can call me Hex."

"Alright Hex, where are we going?"

Hex smiled at me, and continued walking. A couple of annoying minutes later, he finally spoke up.

"I was one of the ponies assigned to researching how to send the human, Stan Baine, back home. Rising Morale is the son of a very good friend of mine, and I was asked to look over him. Princess Celestia agreed to let me join this team, under the conditions that I guide the unicorns. Of course, while I'd do anything for the Princess, I'm also loyal to my friends."

While I was amazed that Celestia actually assigned ponies to find me a way home and didn't just lie about it, Hex didn't answer my original question. I still wanted to know where we were going, damn it!

"That didn't answer my question."

We suddenly stopped, and he looked up to meet me eye to eye.

"Have you ever seen your crash site?"

That question stumped me.

"Um... No? Did I even have one of those? I woke up in a cell."

Hex nodding, understanding my situation.

"Well, we are headed there now. In the brief time that I was on that research time, I got to see the crash site. I memorized where it was located, just in case I would ever need to return. Anyways, I'm not sure if Commander Rising would like for us to be gone for too long, so we should continue moving."

And continue we did. For some reason, my heart beat with excitement at the prospect of my crash site. I just felt like there would be some kind of answers there, answers about my arrival, and possibly hints about my departure. Either way, going there would be worthwhile. Answers, here I come!

Author's Note

Welp, FimFiction deleted the whole scene with Commander Rising Morale and the training. I had to write it all again from what I remembered of it, and that's why this chapter is so late. Arrg, I should be studying for midterms, not writing! It's your guys' faults. :heart:

Surprises and Books

"We're almost there."

Hex and I neared a clearing in the woods which most likely was my impact site. Wow, saying that feels weird. Impact site. That sounds like something about a disease, like "Sir, you appear to have warts on your impact site. Did you use protection?"

Yeah, I'll stop now.

Point is, we headed towards my impact site. I was told I slammed down pretty hard, hard enough to form a crater. I call BS on that one. If I slammed down that hard, I doubt I'd still be alive, which means that there were other forces at play. Calypso, I'm looking at you, you psychotic bi-

"There it is!"

Finally, we broke through the trees and came into the clearing. It was a mess. Trees laid scattered about willy-nilly, some broken in half while others were completely uprooted. The grass as well as the trees was singed, and visibly dying in some places. Oddly, unlike the rest of the forest, there were no animals anywhere in the clearing. Birds could be heard deeper in the forest, but not close-by. No squirrels scampered about, and even insects avoided the place like the plague. Okay, to be honest, I didn't look that hard for any insects, but whatever.

Topping it all off, the whole place had a strange atmosphere that just gave me the willies. It was similar to walking into a creepy house and screaming "Is anybody there?", only to have nobody answer. No, that's a bad analogy. It was just spooky, alright?

Hex smiled madly at the sight of this weird ground zero, giggling like a schoolgirl to himself.

"Even now, I still feel overwhelmed when I step in here. The amount of magic is just incredible! Can’t you feel it too?”

"I can't, actually. Apparently, I'm immune to magic. Isn't that just a buzzkill?"

Hex frowned at me, raising a wizardry eyebrow in disbelief.

"No, that's impossible. This energy matches up with you. I didn't get my cutie mark in reading aura for nothing".

Speaking of cutie marks, his was a blue heart burning inside deeper blue fire.

"So what the dickens is an aura?"

His eyes focused on me for a second, after which he sighed and shook his head.

"It is something like the essence of all living things. It emanates from one's body, but can't be seen by most ponies. Only those born with the gift of Sight can see auras."

"Wow, Sight. That's a creative name. Anyways, what does this aura do?"

"Aura can tell you everything about a certain pony. However, not all ponies can read into it too far. Some can only discern others' emotional states. We call those the Empaths. Then, there are those who can read into others' personality and characteristics. Those ponies are known as Seers. While Sight is rare, Seers are even rarer. Finally, the especially gifted can even see information about one's past and future. Those are the Oracles. As far as I know, there hasn't been an Oracle born in over a thousand years."

Okay, that was a lot to take in. Seers, Empaths, and Oracles. Empaths can see your mood, Seers can see your personality, and Oracles can even see your future. If someone told me this on Earth, I'd object and call them batdoodoo crazy, but I'm not surprised to hear it here.

"Yeah, okay. Two things: One, you just screwed yourself over. Now that you said "there are no Oracles as far as I know", an Oracle is gonna pop out of somewhere. Hell, it might even be you. Two, you never said which one you are. So cough it up, buddy."

He smiled at me, then set off towards the crater in the center of the clearing. By the way, I decided to name the clearing Stanland, because I can. Anyways, I followed the annoying pony wizard towards my crater. By now, I was more than used to not getting my answers immediately. Calypso and Hex both like to draw things out longer than necessary and make them horribly awkward.

Hex paused at the edge of the crater, as did I. That strange feeling was even stronger here, making the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"What color would you say best represents you, Stan?"

"Uhm, I dunno. Red, I guess."

Hex mischievously grinned at me.

"And why would that be?"

"I mean, I don't really know. I guess it's cause red and me both are intense, or something. Why?"

"No reason. Come on!"

As annoying as always, Hex dodged my question and slid down the side of the crater. I followed him down with a groan. Still, I had to be careful sliding down the side, as I didn't have four legs like Mr. Hex. I could fall over much easier, and that would be pretty embarrassing.

Once we got down to the bottom, Hex excitedly showed me some white metal object that lied near the center. Wires haphazardly stuck out of the back, and what I assumed was the front was firmly stuck in the mud. In fact, upon taking a closer look, the whole thing looked dirty.

"Princess Celestia asked us not to touch this. She said you might know what is it better than us."

I stuck my hands down into the mud and heaved the heavy cylinder thing up. I laid it back down on the ground and spent a minute cleaning the front from all the mud. After that, I picked it back up. The front had a black metal strip, in the center of which was a small black tube with some glass thing in the middle. Suddenly, the glass lit up yellow and I dropped it, after Hex and I both screamed like little girls.

"WELL YOU FOUND ME. CONGRATULATIONS."

The metal thing spoke in a robotic, text-to-speech-like manner.

"WAS IT WORTH IT?"

At this point, I was so thoroughly disturbed I only saw one option: Punting the talking metal thing as hard as I could. Which I did. Which also happened to hurt really, really bad. Note to self: Don't punt heavy metal objects.

"THE ONLY THING YOU'VE MANAGED TO BREAK SO FAR IS MY HEART."

Okay, plan B. I grabbed it and ran up the side of the crater and to the nearest large rock. After throwing the metal creep down, I grabbed said rock and proceeded to bash the crap out of the metal thing with my rocky tool of destruction.

"THIS ISN'T BRAVE. IT'S MURDER."

Despite its protests, I continued my assault without any relent. The object's voice was getting more and more distorted at each hit.

"WHAT DID I EVER D-DO TO YOU?"

With a scream, I brought the rock down on it for the last time.

"You don't even care... do you?"

Having uttered its goodbye, the object finally broke apart and the wires fizzed out. I got up, panting. Hex ran over to my side and sent one look down at the broken metal fellow.

"Well! Remind me not to ever scare you."

After a chuckle, I stood back up.

"Sure, hah. Now, will you tell me why you lead me here or should I start guessing?"

"Well, that thing was one of the reasons. The other is because Commander Rising asked me to test you for magic."

"Doesn't anyone listen to me? I don't have any friggin magic."

Ignoring my protests, Hex told me to sit down and get in a comfortable position. I sat down cross legged on the ground, and he sat on his haunches next to me. Next, he instructed me to close my eyes and just relax for several minutes, to push everything out of my mind. I did as he asked, even if it was a waste of time. Some people just aren't worth arguing with.

While Stan was meditating, Hex quietly got up and looked at him. Just to reaffirm what he had seen before, he channeled magic into his eyes and began the process known as sight. As his eye got accustomed to the flow of magic, Stan's aura began to reveal itself to him. Just like last time, it was an iridescent mass of colors. It shifted and twirled around, none of it staying in place for too long. It was unlike anything Hex had ever seen before.

Other than the color, the shape was also irregular. This, however, was more easily dismissible. Different animals have all kinds of different aura shapes. Even if that was true, it was still the first time Hex had seen such a violent shape. Rather than the round, calm aura ponies have, Stan's was jagged and more of an oval. What that meant, he had no idea.

With a sigh, he stopped the flow of magic to his eyes. Slowly, the surroundings went back to normal, their aura hidden once again.

Truly an ambiguous aura, Hex thought to himself.

"Hey, this meditating crap isn't working."

I opened my eyes and Hex gave me a shrug.

"I suppose you simply have too much on your mind. We will try again tomorrow, be sure to get a good night's rest tonight. I suspect you'll need it."

We both got up and began walking the long, winding way back to the castle.

"Lord...Umbra."

Umbra turned to face the speaker: a wraith. Wraiths are surreal beings made completely of ashes, able to take any form they might desire. Stronger wraiths can abandon their ash bodies and form themselves from shadows. During that stage, they are known as Shadow Wraiths. Shadow wraiths are nearly invincible in the night, because nearly everything is dark and they have room to manifest.

Long ago, many wraiths would burn living creatures alive to creature more of their kind. Their birth is the main reason so many wraiths are violent and resent living beings. Due to that monstrous ritual, Celestia banished all of them when she took the throne, and they always held a grudge towards her. When Umbra came along, he promised them freedom if they swore to serve him.

This wraith took the appearance of a small, ashen rodent. It spoke in a slow, composed manner.

"What do you want, Ras?"

"I found... it."

Hex and I walked into the giant library, as Hex said he had wanted to pick up a book on aura. It worked out well for me, as I already needed to get a pen or pencil to write in the book. The crater didn't offer me as many answers as I had hoped, so I needed to try the book again. Hex told me to look at the books or something while he went to find one, but that didn't sound very appealing to me, so I just decided to wander around the library.

I saw Twilight Sparkle sitting at one of the tables, her face buried in books. A glowing quill furiously scribbled some notes down on an adjacent notebook. Near the notebook lay another canister full of quills, and a small jar of ink lay next to that.

"Hey, Sparkles! Can you bum me a quill?"

She completely ignored my kind request and continued to write some crap on her notebook. Nerd.

I slammed my hand down on the table, causing her to jump up a bit.

"Wha... Stan? Why did you do that?"

"'Cause you weren't paying any attention, jerk. Can I borrow a quill and some ink?"

"Well, I guess so. You can have my extra bottle of ink."

A bottle of ink flew out from behind a stack of books, shortly after which a quill joined it. I snatched them out of the air and thanked Twilight. She went back to her reading and writing and I left to find Hex. A second after that, I decided that it was more important to check out the book.

I found a secluded corner of the library that was hidden behind some bookcases, the perfect place to do my work undisturbed. The book easily came out of my pocket, breaking every known law of physics in the process yet again. I flipped it open to the first page, and dipped my quill in the ink. After taking a deep breath, I pressed the quill to the paper and wrote out a brief greeting.

Suddenly, the book slammed shut and ripped out of my hands. It flew up into the air and blinded me with a flash of light. This whole scenario reminded me of Calypso and how she changed into a human. Wait a second...

Yup, there it goes. After I could see again, the book turned into a woman. Color me surprised.

The bookwoman was shorter than I, standing at maybe five and a half feet or so. It was difficult to tell exactly how tall she was, considering she was flying in the middle of the air. She had long, black hair, and black eyes as well. It then dawned upon me that the short greeting I wrote on the book was now scribbled across her face. Yep, "Waddup" was written on her face. Maybe that's why she was glaring at me?

"Well that was rude of you. Could you not have simply asked me to awaken?"

"I mean, you were a book. I don't speak to books very often. And by that, I meant that I never speak to books."

Madame Livre sighed. "Then you are simply closed-minded. Now, what do you want?"

I scratched the back of my head, and responded, "Uhh... What do you mean 'What do you want'? I was under the impression that you were going to give information or something."

The girl crossed her arms and nodded.

"Then is it knowledge you seek?"

This woman made no sense to me. Calypso gave me her in book-form and said that she would provide me with all of the knowledge I need, but it seems like this girl doesn't even know what I need.

"Well, I suppose. I want your help against this d-bag called Umbra."

She nodded and was about to move, but then she froze and her eyebrows furrowed.

"You... request my aid? Elaborate."

"Well, it doesn't look like you have that much stuff to do, so I just wanted you to help. To be my ally, a companion, a bro, you know?"

"To be your... ally?" She paused as she considered whether she should accept or not.

"Very well."

I did a fist pump in celebration, and considered going for a high five, but then again, a book probably wouldn't know how to high five.

"So, what's your name, new friend? And how much do you know about me?"

"My name? I have none. Neither do I have any knowledge on you."

Hmm, odd. Calypso also said she didn't have a name, but it seemed like she could read my mind. Strange.

"Well, you need a name then. I can't just refer to you as "you" forever, y'know?" After all that hiking in the woods and Rising's tests, my body was pretty worn out. I didn't have the energy necessary to think up of a cool name for her, so I just settled with a mediocre one.

"I think I'll call you... Book.

Wow, and I even insulted Hex's Sight and called it unoriginal. I hate it when I end up looking like a hypocrite.

Some emotion flashed past her eyes, but it was gone before I could properly recognize it. Her face settled on that passive-aggressive glare, and when I wasn't looking it seems that she cleaned off the ink from her face. Even if she did act like a bit of a jerk, it was good to have her on board. She was the only human I could interact with until I get home. Then again, she was a book, but close enough.

"Very well. And what is your... name?"

With a smirk on my face, I responded, "Well, you can call me Sir!"

After I received another angry glare from her, I added, "On second thought, Stan works too. Yeah, call me Stan."

Someone called out my name, and Book reverted back to book state. I guess she.... had to book it.

Hex came into view and looked relieved to see me.

"There you are. Come, we have to report to Rising."

Ash Ghost and her fellow assassins prepared themselves for the mission ahead. A wraith spy, Ras, had located the two legged creature they were to assassinate. He had been on a carriage that was headed to Canterlot. While there would be many guards and sentries posted at Canterlot, it would be relatively easy to get a single assassin in while the others waited nearby. Once the target was eliminated, all of the assassins would pop out of hiding and help their fellow escape. Seeing as Ash Ghost had the most experience with their target, she was chosen as the one who would sneak in.

Umbra warned them about what would happen if they failed. He promised to kill every single assassin present if they didn't accomplish their task without a hitch. With that grim thought in mind, the assassins steeled themselves for the fight ahead. It would be the hardest mission they've done yet as a team, on they couldn't take lightly.

Personally, Ash Ghost looked forward to it. The last time she and the creature had met, she had been humiliated by it. Not one to screw up twice, she was sure she'd make it pay for her last failure.

The team of Pegasi assassins finished their preparations, and were ready to head out. Umbra gave them a grim smile and a nod, and they took off towards Canterlot to enact punishment. Nopony can get survive for long against Umbra.

Author's Note

Thank goodness midterms are over. My brief hiatus is now over and I'm back!
P.S. I just got Dark Souls, and it is so goood. Except for Havel, that jerk. Gah.

The Walking Lavender Library

I've never been an avid lover of animals. Ever since an unfortunate incident in my youth with a guinea pig, I've more or less ignored them. Out of sight, out of mind. That doesn't mean I hate them though, in fact, I sorta like dogs. Especially Huskies, those cute little things.

So needless to say, the sight that awaited me was a spectacle to behold. There was multitudes of animals laying about willy-nilly. The animals were given free reign, doing as they please. Surprisingly, that didn't consist of eating each other and destroying everything. They were peacefully laying about, some eating various types of plants and vegetables. It was amazing, really. Definitely not possible on earth. Now, I've been to the zoo. Don't get me wrong. But the sight in front of me was more than a zoo. It didn't have that sense of artificiality that a zoo always brought upon me. No, this was different. I was impressed that the yellow pegasus, Fluttershy as she called herself, was able to pull it off.

She weaved in and about the animals, trying not to disturb them from their food. I followed her, of course. Flashing a smile at her animal friends every once in a while, I could tell that she really loved and cared for every living thing here. A truer mascot for PETA the world will not find.

Finally, after traversing through the living maze which blocked the house, we arrived at a door. She flew up, pushed it open, and with a shy smile on her face, beckoned for me to enter. I think I understand why she's called Fluttershy now. She flies, and she's shy. Genius, aren't I? Anyways, I stepped in, and she shut the door. While I set down Mjölnir, she walked over to her fridge, and pu--

Wait, what?

I rubbed my eyes and tried again. SHE WAS STILL PULLING FISH OUT OF A FRIDGE. I was suddenly reminded of the human-like chairs back at the castle. The coincidences were just starting to pile up higher and higher. Same technology, same furniture, same language. I pulled up my sleeve and took a quick look at my stitched shoulder. Let's add same weapons to that list, shall we? Not only that, but the flora in the forest was similar to earth.

This means one of two things. Either a) that teleport had seriously screwed with my head and I was hallucinating things right now, or b) Somehow, one of our cultures had influenced the other. The similarity was just too uncanny. I honestly don't know which option was worse, as A means I'm insane, but B means that there is more to this place than meets the eye. Before my brain goes 404, I should just stop thinking about this stuff.

Either way, Fluttershy had pulled the frozen fish out of her fridge and flew over to me with them. She smiled and offered me it. I took it from her hoof and gave it a wary look. The raw fish felt extremely cold in my hands, and smelled rather pungent. I sat the fish aside, hoping that Fluttershy wouldn't be offended. Even if I wanted to eat it, my digestive system really wasn't equipped to handle raw meat. I blame my enzymes.

Instead of being offended, Fluttershy just grabbed the fish and put it back in her fridge.

She giggled. "If you don't like fish, you should have said so, silly!"

I was about to answer her with some snarky response, but a little white bunny hopped into the room. Strangely enough, it was bipedal and had two big feet. If bunnies could look angry, then this one was positively pissed. It crossed its little arms and glared at Fluttershy in what I believe is pure homicidal wrath. Fluttershy either didn't notice, or chose to ignore it. Either way, the bunny started stomping its feet on the ground and pointed at the fridge.

Fluttershy smiled and flew over to the fridge. "Of course I didn't forget about you, Angel!"

Angel? Seriously? Its name is Angel. That's the most ironic thing I've ever heard.

She pulled out a big carrot, handing it to the grumpy white rodent. It took one look at the carrot, and the little sadist threw it back at her. Luckily for Fluttershy, it missed. Right as I was about to call pest control to take care of the ugly rodent's sorry ass, Fluttershy picked up the carrot and proceeded to peel it, giggling all the while. Not only was she the model mascot for PETA, apparently she was the model mascot for domestic violence, too.

After she finished peeling the carrot, she handed it back to Angel. Angel grumpily took it and hopped away, munching on it all the while.

Now that the little devil had been taken care of, Fluttershy turned back to me. She gave me several curious glances as she flew around me.

"I wonder what you are... I've never seen anything like you before."

For the second time now, I was interrupted right before my snarky response. Another pony opened the door, and walked into Fluttershy's home. The pony looked around, then spotted Fluttershy hovering next to me. I was completely ignored, so I guess that it's normal for Fluttershy to have strange things around.

"Fluttershy, I need your help." The lavender pony's voice sounded feminine as well, so I'm guessing that this one is female too. Wait a second, why does 'lavender' sound so familiar? Then, it hit me.

You will be housed by Twilight Sparkle, a lavender unicorn.

This might be the pony that I'm looking for!

Fluttershy landed on the ground. "Oh, sure, Twilight. What do you—"

"Twilight Sparkle."

Both of the ponies paused, and stared at me. They were amazed at my ability to speak. Trying to make things less awkward, I forced a smile.

"Haha, you're Twilight Sparkle, right?"

My latest sentence just confounded them further. They gave each other a quick look, then continued to stare at me. So much for making things less awkward.

Twilight uncomfortably swallowed, then nodded.

"Uh, Fluttershy? Where did you find that, and why does it know my name?"

I snorted in disgust. For the second time now, I was referred to as an it. It really rustled my jimmies.

"First off, don't call me 'that'. Second off, she found me in the woods. Third off, if you're really Twilight Sparkle, Celestia was supposed to send me to you, but she screwed up. Any more questions, pal?"

After I mentioned "Celestia", Twilight gasped and her face lit up in recognition.

"Then you must be Stan! Thank Celestia! I've been looking all over the place for you! Ever since Celestia sent that letter, I haven't rested at all trying to prepare!"

"Thank Celestia"? Doesn't she realize that Celestia is the one that screwed things up in the first place?

Twilight was continuing on and on, describing all of her preparations and the work they required. I got tired of listening to her drone on, so I put my pointer finger up to her mouth and said, "Shhh. Just let it happen."

She didn't obviously get it, so I hastily withdrew my finger and acted like nothing at all happened. She gave me a strange look, and shook her head.

"Celestia warned me in her letter that you were... Quirky. I guess she was right about that."

Quirky? How about I shove my foot up her royal--

Twilight ran over to the door, and opened it with magic, I presume. She motioned for me to follow her. I shrugged and went after her, grabbing Mjölnir on my way out. Poor Fluttershy had no idea what just happened, and stayed behind. I waved at her on my way out, and she made a feeble attempt at waving back. Chuckling, I ran over to Twilight.

While we were walking on the path that I assume connected Fluttershy and Twilight Sparkle's houses, Twilight went on and on, lecturing me on the various things Celestia had told her about me, and how excited she was to be housing a new species. Of course, I ignored her. In the distance, I saw a dainty looking town. Suddenly, for no reason at all, I remembered one of Grandma's sayings.

"You don't get a second chance to make a first impression."

While I didn't realize it in my youth, looking back, my grandma was actually pretty wise. She was full of sayings and advice like that one. As I thought about that quote, I saw Mjölnir out the corner of my eye. I smiled and raised the hammer up, resting it on my shoulder. If I don't get a second chance for a first impression, I might as well milk the first impression for all it's worth. I'll to make myself look like a giant badass by straightening my back, and standing as tall as possible. Mjolnir and my ripped clothing are just the icing on the cake. I'm 100% sure now that there won't be a repeat of the guard incident.

As Twilight and I walked into the town, I took a good look around. All of the buildings were painted bright, pastel colors. Pink seemed to be a fairly common choice. Reminds me of those giant, pink dollhouses that little girls ask Santa for. Ponies weaved in and out of these buildings, each with their own agenda. However, as we walked by, they would stop and stare at me. I remembered what happened back in the royal dining room, and sure enough, I heard whispers erupt around me. On one hand, it felt kinda good to have everyone's attention, but on the other, it wasn't a very positive form of attention.

Twilight nudged me and told me that we were getting close to the library, and I got real confused. Weren't we supposed to go to her house, not the library? Unless I got different info than she did, we're headed to the wrong place.

Before I could voice my concerns, Twilight stopped. The "library" was a giant tree, maybe an oak. It had a door at the front (which was way too small for my 6 foot frame), and windows jutting out at random spots. Twilight just walked through the door, and didn't even wait for me to follow. I heard her yell a faint "Spiiike!". Maybe she has a dog? God, I hope it's a husky.

Excited as hell for the husky, I squished myself through her door. Eagerly looking around, I tried to spot her dog, but it was nowhere to be seen. Instead, I saw a giant purple newt. Visibly annoyed, I put my hammer down and sat down on what looked like a bean-bag chair.

Twilight walked over. "What's wrong?"

"That newt is what's wrong. Who names their newt Spike?"

Twilight and the newt both looked a bit offended.

The newt crossed its arms. "Hey! I'm not a newt! I'm a dragon!"

I chuckled. "Trust me bud, I tried that one at the royal palace. Didn't work too well."

Spike wasn't sure how to respond, so he shrugged his arms. Twilight ran over to a desk, and some parchment, a quill, and ink flew over with her.

"Spike, take a letter!"

The little amphibian grabbed the necessary items from the air and got ready to write.

"Dear Princess Celestia. I finally found Stan in Fluttershy's cottage. He ended up in the Everfree forest rather than my house, so I suspect something messed up the spell. He is unharmed, and I'll do my best to keep it that way. Your fathful student, Twilight Sparkle."

After putting the finishing touches on the letter, Spike held it up into the air. He(I'm guessing it's a he, who names a girl spike?) took a deep breath, then blew green fire onto the letter. Apparently, this was normal, and the letter turned into dust and flew off. Spike just walked off, going up the stairs to take care of something else. I rubbed my temples, trying to ignore the pure irrationality.

That reminds me!

"So, how long was I gone?"

Twilight put the quill and ink away. "Two days. Celestia feared that you might have died. I'm sure that she'll be very relieved that we found you."

Two freakin' days. That makes sense, considering I left during the night, but arrived during the day. But then again, if I was gone for two days after that small-scale teleportation.. what time is it on Earth after my first teleportation? Does Earth even exist anymore? Would there be any point in returning back if there's nothing to go back to?

I guess I was radiating uneasiness, as Twilight looked pretty uneasy too. My stomach started rumbling, and I looked at Twilight.

"Got any food?"

As the letter flew in through her window, Celestia feared the worst. Two whole days had passed since she sent Stan out, and she feared that she might never see him again. While a bit rude, he was enjoyable to be around. On top of that, Celestia didn't want to have to live with the guilt of killing the very first of his kind Equestria had encountered. And as such, she almost didn't want to open the letter. Taking a deep breath, she braced herself and unraveled it. After she read it, a very heavy weight was lifted off of her heart. Stan was alive! She stood up, and went to share the good news with Luna. Luna had perhaps grieved more than Celestia, and will be even happier about this.

I was wolfing down each every thing in sight. I hadn't got to each as much as I wanted in a very, very long time. Back at the castle, I tried to act a tad bit more dignified for the princesses, but here, there was no royalty to impress. Twilight might think I'm a pig, sure, but I don't really care. My hunger supersedes my social image, for now.

I quickly glanced over, but Twilight didn't seem very disgusted. Rather, she seemed impressed and somewhat relieved. She was probably afraid after Celestia told her humans are omnivores. Luckily for her, horse meat isn't exactly my cup of tea.

Having eaten my share of various fruits, vegetables, and sandwiches, I got up. My stomach felt pleasantly full, and I wanted to thank Twilight for all the food. Before I could even say anything she was assaulting me with questions.

Let's see here. Lives in a library, check. From what I can see, freaking loves books. Check. Rather than being afraid of new things, she wants to know as much about them as possible. Check. Ladies and Gentlemen, she passed all my criteria for a super-stereotypical bookworm! Not answering her questions would probably piss her off, and I don't want that. For the moment at least, she feeds and houses me, so I'll have to play along and answer her questions.

"Princess Celestia said you're a human, but what does that mean? What is a human?

Right before I gave her a straight answer, I stopped. Because life is more fun when you screw around™. I'll test her, and see just how much she knows.

"Humans are multicellular, eukaryotic organisms. We are sentient Metazoans, belonging to the Mammalian class, which I believe we share with you ponies. Need I go further?"

Instead of the confused look I hoped to get, Twilight looked like she understood everything I just said. I guess being a smartass won't affect her.

"Maybe later. I've got some other questions I want to ask first."

I nodded, giving her my approval. I know it wasn't needed, but it still made me feel good.

A notebook, which I presume is full of different questions, flew over to her. Regret flooded my mind, but unlike Noah, I had no ark to hide in. This is gonna be a long day.

Luna was awestricken. Stan was not only still alive, but he was in Equestria! While she hadn't told him anything, she considered him a friend. Luna didn't have very many of those. Before her banishment to the moon, she had no need for friends. After she returned, Twilight Sparkle taught her that fun and friends weren't nearly as bad as she had thought before. Stan was the closest she got to having the "best friend" she read about in books. He was humourous, strong, liked to be solitary, all qualities that she herself also had. But then the unthinkable happened, and and Umbra assassin almost killed him.

Regardless of how much she liked him, keeping him at Canterlot could bring harm upon him. She didn't want that at all. So she and her sister decided to hide him away in Ponyville. If he was truly safe, he'd be back one day. And Luna considered herself quite good at waiting.

Exhausted, I collapsed back on the beanbag chair. Twilight had been very thorough with her questions. From mythology to economics, she had filled up several notebooks worth of information. I don't know everything, though, so in areas like engineering and dancing she was out of luck. Yeah, I don't know how to dance. At least I'm honest.

She happily stored away her new-found information about the human race. If she doesn't make me the best freaking food from now on, I might have to slap a mare. I took a glance outside. It was already dark. I guess Luna did that. Strangely enough, even though it was night, it wasn't really "dark", so to say. Sure, it was darker than the day, but the night here was much... brighter than the one on earth.

"Well, now that that's taken care of, I should show you to your bed."

Oh boy, I get a bed? 50 bucks says that it will be pony-sized and way too small for me.

I trudged up the stairs after her, and into another room. Now, even if the doors are small, the ceiling is surprisingly high. No need to fear hitting my head on things every other minute! Still gotta watch out for these doors though.

I forced myself through yet another door, and my suspicions were proven right. The bed was meant for a pony to sleep on. However, it was still pretty big. Maybe it was made for larger ponies? Luna's bed was gigantic.

No matter the size though, I'd still sleep on it. I'm just too tired to really care. Twilight told me that she's gonna introduce me to the rest of her friends tomorrow. That's gonna be a hassle, especially if they ask this many questions. I walked over to the bed, and just collapsed on it. It was much, much softer than the one in the prison. I took off my shoes, stuck them next to the bed, and fell asleep almost instantly. Sleep makes everything better.