The Pony Badfic Trilogy

by Elric of Melnipony

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Original Character
Length: 3760

Bad MLP fanfiction in concentrated form for your enjoyment and/or suffering. Read responsibly.

No one asked for it! No one demanded it! But here it is anyway: pure, distilled essence of badfic, satirized for your protection and diluted with enough water to keep you from going blind. In addition to the two terrible and wildly unoriginal shots that have been available separately on Elric's blog, this collection contains a previously untasted third chug of intentionally painful and derivative awfulness. (Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of bad fanfiction.)

Universally admired original characters, show characters acting out of character, stupid names, implausible shipping, gratuitous tragedy, and more -- it's all right here. Read if you dare.

Any resemblance between these OCs and any other OCs, living or dead, is purely coincidental maliciously intentional.

Published 2016-03-04 12:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-04 12:50:01 UTC

Pony Badfic #997,326

Once upon a time there was a filly. Her name was Hidden Princess, although nopony knew why. She didn't get along with the other kids at school; they were always making fun of her because she had a blank flank, and because one of her eyes was silver and the other was gold. (OMG, u gaiz! It's just like how misunderstood I am!) They were also jealous of how pretty she was with her special eyes and her infrapink coat. She also had a plaid mane, why not?

She was an orphan. She lived on the edge of the Everfree Forest in the Beatings & Neglect Home for Orphaned Fillies, which was called that because it was run by two very respectable ponies: Savage Beatings and Indifferent Neglect. Both boys and girls lived there, but Hidden Princess didn't know very many of the boy fillies. She did know all of the girl fillies, though, and was very close to some of them. They were like sisters. Her friends were called Place Holder, Generic, Author's Best Friend's OC, Background Pony #2, and Surprisingly Similar To Nyx.

One day while she was at school, Miss Cher Lee said they were all going on a field trip to the library. Everypony walked across town to where the library was so that they could go to the library. When they got there, Princess Twilight Sparkle talked to them all about the importance of the library, and how it could help them, and how much fun it could be to learn. Suddenly, she spotted Hidden Princess, who was an alicorn. (Did I forget to mention that? Oops.)

"Gasp!" she gasped. "You're an alicorn!"

"Yes, ma'am," said Hidden Princess.

"What is your name?" asked Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"My name is Hidden Princess."

"I think you might be the hidden princess that the prophecy talks about!"

"Hidden princess? What's that?" asked Hidden Princess.

"That's the special princess of Equestria but nopony will recognize how special she is because she's hidden! Spike, get me that prophecy!"

They waited for a few minutes. Princess Twilight Sparkle started tapping her hoof. "Spike!" she called.

"Just finishing up!" he yelled from upstairs. He ran downstairs holding a quill and a scroll. "Watch out for wet ink," he told Princess Twilight Sparkle, shaking the cramp out of his right hand.

"Yes, it's true! You're the hidden princess!" said Princess Twilight Sparkle to Hidden Princess.

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna teleported beside Princess Twilight Sparkle. The door opened and Princess Cadance walked in. "I just got off the train from the Crystal Empire," she explained. All of the princesses bent down to Hidden Princess and kissed her ~~rump~~ hooves. Spike gave her a crown.

"I will adopt you," said Princess Twilight Sparkle.

"Okay," said Hidden Princess.

All of her friends were happy for her, and she lived happily ever after. Not everypony lived happily ever after, though. Scootaloo was raped, Pinkie killed a bunch of ponies, and another popular character committed suicide. Maybe Derpy? Yeah, let's say Derpy.

(I can haz tragedy upvotes now, plz?)

Pony Badfic #1,012,447

"I'm tired of everypony making fun of us for our names," said Biff, who was a pony.

"So am I," said Tad, who was also a pony.

"It's so mean," said Gavin, who was yet another pony.

"It's like they don't even know that these are perfectly respectable pony names," said Francois Hideki O'Malley-Singh III, who -- surprisingly -- was also a pony.

"I know what I'm going to do about it," said HomoSapien McHumanName, who was also a pony with a completely ordinary Equestrian pony name. (Srsly, u gaiz! I went to the horse races once, and all the horses at the track had way weirder names than this!) "I'm going to move to Ponyville." It was unclear how this was going to help.

The next day, HomoSapien McHumanName loaded all of his stuff into a cart (Just like that donkey in that one episode, in case you didn't figure it out.) and left town. (See story description for a complete inventory of what he took with him.) After walking for a bunch of days, he arrived in Ponyville. (I'm planning writing a sequel that talks about all the places he went to when he was walking. It'll be like a tour guide.)

When he got to town, he met Pinkie Pie. "Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie," said Pinkie Pie.

"My name is HomoSapien McHumanName," said HomoSapien McHumanName.

"That's a perfectly normal pony name," said Pinkie Pie. HomoSapien McHumanName was glad he moved to Ponyville.

"Thank you," he said.

"I'm going to throw you a welcome party," said Pinkie Pie.

"Okay," said HomoSapien McHumanName.

"Come with me," she said. She led him to a big building that looked like a gingerbread house that looked like a bakery. Instead of going through the front door, they went to the back door and up the stairs into a bedroom that was all pink. "Here is your party," said Pinkie Pie.

"I don't see anypony else at the party," said HomoSapien McHumanName.

"That is because it is just you and me," said Pinkie Pie. "It is a sex party." She pushed him onto the bed and they sexed, which I know all about because I have totally done it. (Shut up! I have, too!)

When they were done, HomoSapien McHumanName said, "I am glad I moved to Ponyville." Then he said, "Do you know somewhere I can live?" They went downstairs and went outside, and he hooked up his cart again. (I forgot to mention when he unhooked it! Oops!) Pinkie Pie took him to a house that was for sale and he bought it. He took his cart full of stuff inside, then came out again and asked her another question. "Do you know where I can find a pet?" (You know, like the song?)

He went to Fluttershy's house after she (Pinkie Pie, not Fluttershy.) gave him directions. When he got to Fluttershy's house, he met Fluttershy. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName," he said. "Do you know where I can find a pet?"

Fluttershy said, "Ponies who care about animals really get me hot! And I love your completely ordinary pony name." She grabbed him and started dragging him to her house. "Come here, big boy!" They went inside and did it on the couch that Fluttershy fell asleep on when she was babysitting the CMC.

HomoSapien McHumanName adopted that cool falcon that Rainbow Dash didn't want. "You know, my friend Rainbow Dash almost adopted that falcon," said Fluttershy. HomoSapien McHumanName wondered if he could also do sex to Rainbow Dash, but Fluttershy said no because Rainbow Dash was a Lebanese.

"Do you know where I can find a job?" asked HomoSapien McHumanName. Fluttershy told him how to get to Sweet Apple Acres. He went to Sweet Apple Acres and he met Applejack. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName", said HomoSapien McHumanName. "I need a job."

"Wahh, that there shore is a raht normal pony name, pardner, and it ain't a mite weird none atall," said Applejack. "Ah kin shore hahr y'all for a job."

"Thank you," said HomoSapien McHumanName. "How much does it pay?"

"We shore nuff cain't pay y'all too much, pardner, shoot. But the more y'all work, the more y'all earn. And if'n y'all work extry hard, y'all maht earn a raht nice bonus, y'hear?"

"What kind of bonus?" asked HomoSapien McHumanName. Applejack took him to the barn, where they were all alone. Once they were all alone, they did sexing.

When they finished, HomoSapien McHumanName told Applejack that he was glad he moved to Ponyville. He also said he would come and work hard for her a lot, and hoped he would earn lots of bonuses. The he asked where he could buy some clothes, because sometimes he liked to dress up. Applejack told him how to get to the Carousel Boutique.

HomoSapien McHumanName went to the boutique and met Rarity. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName," he said.

"Darling, that's a darling name, darling," said Rarity. "Do you want sex?" So they went inside and did the thing.

After that, HomoSapien McHumanName wanted to get some books to read in his new home. Rarity said they didn't have a bookstore in town, but she told him how to get to the library. HomoSapien McHumanName walked to the library.

Inside the library was Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Hello, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName, and I would like to check out some books," said HomoSapien McHumanName.

"That is an intelligent and sensible pony name," said Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Is there anything else you would like to check out?" she asked, waving her tail.

"I think I would like that," said HomoSapien McHumanName. "I sure am glad I moved to Ponyville. Is there anypony else around?"

"No, we are alone," said Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Spike is not here so he will not see us Do It." Since they were free for doing it, they went upstairs and had sex lots.

HomoSapien McHumanName and Princess Twilight Sparkle fell in love. He moved in with her and they got married. He also adopted her adopted daughter, Hidden Princess. They all lived happily ever after.

EPILOGUE: This time, Apple Bloom got raped. By Big Mac. Also, Mayor Mare is secretly a changeling.

Pony Badfic #1,121,009

Once upon a time there was a very special pony named Special Snowflake who was only partly a pony but was still very special. She was actually a hybrid.

Special Snowflake's mother was part griffin and part dragon, and had been the result of love on the untamed frontier. Her father was part pony and part changeling, and had been the result of Stockholm Syndrome between an alicorn princess and a prisoner of war. She herself was the result of a dare. Despite all this, she looked like a regular, average alicorn.

Her coat was black, her mane and tail were hot pink, her eyes looked like the Google Chrome logo, and her cutie mark was way too complicated to describe here. (Please see the detailed and numbered illustration that looks like a patent application diagram on my DerangedArt account, kthx.)

One day, for no adequately explored reason, she decided to move from whatever town she lived in to Ponyville. "I sure hope I can make friends in the new town. It's not like I'm anything special," said Special Snowflake to herself.

To save herself trouble, she hired a moving company, and she paid them extra to not let Derpy drop things on other ponies like she did that one time. Since she didn't have to haul anything around herself, she was able to fly straight to Ponyville from wherever it was she lived before. On her way there, she met Rainbow Dash.

"Hi," said Rainbow Dash. "I'm on my way back from visiting Cloudsdale for no stated reason, and I'm headed to Ponyville. You look like you're headed that way, too. Wanna race?"

Rainbow Dash was famous. Not only did she have an eighth-degree black belt in Wai Fu, she was also nationally known as a racer. Still, Special Snowflake thought it would be fun to race her, and it might be a good way to make a new friend. So she agreed to the race.

"Wow, you're fast!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "I can't believe you beat me!"

"It's one of the many special talents encoded in my all-encompassing cutie mark," said Special Snowflake.

"Awesome!" said Rainbow Dash. "Let's be friends!"

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

From below, they heard another voice. "What happened, Rainbow Dash? You always win every race!"

The two ponies flew down to where three fillies were standing.

"This is Scootaloo," Rainbow Dash said to Special Snowflake. "She's sort of like my little sister. Scootaloo, this is my new friend Special Snowflake. She's faster than I am."

"That can't be true!" yelled Scootaloo. She walked up to Special Snowflake. "Look me in the eyes and admit you cheated!"

Special Snowflake looked Scootaloo in the eyes. "I didn't cheat. I'm just really good at everything I do."

Scootaloo blinked. "I believe you," she said.

Sweetie Belle gasped. "Scootaloo! You just got your cutie mark!"

Everypony looked at Scootaloo's cool new cutie mark. It was a fire-breathing tiger riding a midnight black scooter out of an explosion. It was very impressive.

"So my special talent is doing awesome stuff on my scooter?" asked Scootaloo. "Of course! Why didn't I ever think of that before?"

Special Snowflake said, "I wanted you to see the truth when you looked in my eyes. I guess you also saw the truth of what your special talent is."

"ME NEXT!" shouted Apple Bloom. She looked into Special Snowflake's eyes and soon had a brand new cutie mark of a highrise skyscraper made entirely out of apples. "So, buildin' stuff? Oh, of course! That makes perfect sense!"

Sweetie Belle didn't want to be left out. She also stepped up to Special Snowflake and looked her in the eyes. Right away, she also had her cutie mark. It was of a hundred robed ponies singing in a choir. "Right, singing! Obviously! I should have figured that out!"

The three fillies were very happy, and they hopped and danced around. Now that the crusade was over, they renamed themselves the Cutie Mark Templars and made Special Snowflake an honorary member.

"I'm so happy," said Apple Bloom. "I gotta show my family! Special Snowflake, why don't you come with me so you can meet 'em too!"

Sweetie Belle said, "My parents are out of town again so you can't meet them yet, but when we're done at Sweet Apple Acres, you can come meet my sister Rarity."

"You already met my sister," said Scootaloo.

"That's right," said Rainbow Dash. "And now I have to run. I have some weather stuff to do."

Rainbow Dash flew away, and Special Snowflake walked towards Sweet Apple Acres with the Cutie Mark Templars, her new friends.

Before long, they reached a place where Applejack was hard at work. "Apple Bloom, I'm glad you're back!" She looked exhausted.

"What's wrong, sis?" asked Apple Bloom.

"What's wrong is I'm havin' to do all the work myself! After you went to go play with your friends, Granny Smith went off to visit one of our other relatives, and Big Mac got laid up again."

"Oh, no! Is it bad?"

"I don't think so. The doctor said he got hurt in the contrivance, wherever that is." Applejack lined up for another applebuck. All of the apples fell out of the tree that she kicked with both of her back legs. "Now I've got to finish all this by myself."

"I can help," said Special Snowflake. She flew high up in the air and examined the layout of the grove where Applejack was. She flew down to the exact center, concentrated, and stomped on the ground with one hoof. Every apple fell down from each of the dozens of trees around her. She then picked up the hundreds of apples in her magic and gathered them together. "Where do you want them?" she asked.

"In the barn'll be fine," said Apple Bloom, who already knew how special her new friend was.

Applejack couldn't talk at first and only stared. Finally she asked, "How did you do that?"

"I'm good at doing things with lots of different kinds of fruit, including apples," said Special Snowflake.

"You sure are! Would you like to be my new friend?" asked Applejack. "You can wear my hat!"

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

Applejack didn't have anything to do after that, because Special Snowflake soon had the entire harvest taken care of days ahead of schedule. Instead, she listened to her little sister and her sister's friends tell her how they got their cutie marks, and she helped them figure out what they wanted to do for their ~~cutesinerror~~ ~~cutesierra~~ ~~cutesy-narrow~~ cute mitzvahs.

Scootaloo said, "You know who we need to help us plan these parties? Pinkie Pie!"

Sweetie Belle said, "Of course! We can visit her after we introduce Rarity to Special Snowflake. And I still want to show her my new cutie mark."

Just then, Special Snowflake walked in the house. "All finished, Applejack," she said. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"Nope. You and the girls can go say hi to Rarity. I'm just going to stay here and rest up."

Special Snowflake and the fillies walked towards the main part of town. When they reached a crossroads, suddenly they saw a rabbit quickly hopping in their direction. A pegasus was chasting him, but she was running, not flying.

"Come back here, Angel!" Fluttershy yelled. "Stop being such a naughty bunny!"

Special Snowflake put herself in the middle of the intersection, right in front of the bunny's path. Angel skidded to a stop just before he got beneath her hooves. He looked up at her and looked into her eyes. Special Snowflake said, "That's not very nice, little bunny."

Angel looked her another few seconds, then nodded and burst into tears. He then hopped back to where Fluttershy had stopped behind him and kissed her hoof. He wrapped his front paws around her hoof and hugged her leg as hard as he could, sobbing all the while. From that day forward, he was never a bad bunny again.

"Hi, I'm Fluttershy," said Fluttershy. "Normally, I'm really shy, but that was so incredible that I had to talk to you even though you're new."

"I've always been good with animals," said Special Snowflake.

"I'd like to be friends with you, if that's all right."

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

Fluttershy took Angel home so she could give him the bath that he had been running away from. Special Snowflake kept walking with her friends to the Carousel Boutique.

So they went to Rarity's place. Rarity was doing clothing stuff, and she was really impressed when Special Snowflake used a lot of sewing words like Fluttershy did that one time. She became Special Snowflake's friend like everypony else and said they would have to do fashion together. Also she said "darling" a lot.

After showing off their new cutie marks, Sweetie Belle and her friends told Rarity that they wanted to introduce Special Snowflake to Pinkie Pie. Rarity told them that this wouldn't be necessary, because she knew Pinkie Pie would soon introduce herself. Also she said "darling" a lot.

Special Snowflake enjoyed meeting new friends, but she decided it was finally time to go see her new home. She checked the map she had been given when she bought her new house with cash paid in full because also she was rich. There was a tall building in the center of Ponyville with a ring of open space around it. There were more buildings past the open space, including her house. Nopony was going to be walking with her, so she flew there instead. When Special Snowflake got to the house, the mayor was waiting for her outside.

"I can't let you live here," said Mayor Mare.

"Oh, dear," said Special Snowflake. "Why not?"

"It's not good enough for you. Everypony has been talking about how great you are since you got here."

"I'm nopony special," said Special Snowflake.

"Nonsense," said Mayor Mare. "Everypony in Ponyville knows you're wonderful." She pointed to the tall building across the way. "We've renovated town hall and moved all of your things inside it. It's now a luxury home. I'll work with the other government ponies to run things somewhere else."

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

Special Snowflake walked around the building to find the entrance. When she got to the other side, she found the entrance, but she also saw lots of picnic tables set up outside with nopony sitting at them.

The door opened and a pink pony pushed a cannon out the door. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" she said. "This is your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!" She fired the cannon at the tables, and then they were all covered with decorations. She fired at the supports for the balcony up above, and they became wrapped with ribbons and streamers. She fired at the tables again, and fully inflated balloons were suddenly tied to the corners of each one. Other ponies started coming out of the former town hall with food and party games.

"I like parties," said Special Snowflake. She raised a hoof and spoke into what everypony had thought was a watch. "I need immediate celebration support, my coordinates. Go-code: Yippee."

Moments later, there was a loud noise like thunder somewhere in the distance. Seconds after that, a few wagonloads of confetti rained out of the sky all over the center of town.

"What was that?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"That was my party howitzer," said Special Snowflake. "It's just over the horizon."

"I have got to get me one of those!"

"I can show you how to build one, but you'll have to get your own artillery crew."

"Would you like to be my new friend?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

Four alicorns mares in crowns walked out the door followed by two stallions and a filly, who ran off to play with the former Crusaders. One alicorn introduced herself as Princess Twilight Sparkle. She said the other alicorns were Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and her sister-in-law Princess Cadance. The stallions were her brother Shining Armor and her husband HomoSapien McHumanName. The filly was her daughter Hidden Princess.

"Everypony has been talking about you," said Cadance. "Everypony says you're really incredible."

"I'm nopony special," said Special Snowflake.

"We think you should also be a princess," said Celestia.

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

"There's one other thing," said Twilight Sparkle. "We've been discussing it. My brother, my husband, the other princesses, and I would like to have an orgy with you."

"Okay," said Special Snowflake.

So they went inside and did that.

Rainbow Dash was paralyzed in a terrible accident and had a long talk with Twilight about assisted suicide and the right to die. Cheerilee gave her students an important speech about staying off drugs. Racism is bad and you shouldn't racism, even if one of your best friends in the whole world has been deceiving you the entire time you've known her about the fact that she's secretly a changeling.

Also, Sweetie Belle had an abortion, which sparked debates all over Ponyville.

Author's Note

My DerangedArt ID is _xXx_NoponyUnderstanzMee_xXx_