Chapters A Whole New World
It’s been a few days since I arrived in this strange, strange world. I was certainly terrified of the things that I’ve seen so far, but it eventually switched over from being utterly scared shitless, to being curious of the surroundings around me. If it’s anything, I’d say that I’m happier to be here rather than back at home. I mean, there’s virtually no pollution, and it’s outstandingly beautiful. However, the residents here in this tiny little town are interesting to say the least.
The population of this world, are ponies. You’d think I’m kidding, but when you come over here and see it for yourself, you may just believe me. It doesn’t help that these ponies are also overly friendly. It’s yet to be determined if they are really friendly, however, it doesn’t look like it. There have been incidents where I was glomped by these lightweight pastel colored ponies. While I prefer to be regularly hugged, I suppose I’ll have to build up a resistance to the ground scraping painfully against my back every time. Don’t ask me how a 30 pound pony is suppose to knock over a 230 pound man.
As of right now, I’m busy walking over to the Sugarcube corner. Pinkie Pie said that she’d be able to let me work over there, since I am a half-decent chef and a total die-hard for sweets. Especially Pinkies vanilla cream-jelly filled long johns that I love. Now, while I am a sweets fanatic, there are some downsides to this world. One of them is that all of these ponies are herbivores. Except griffons. Those angry fuckfaces are pretty badass. Another is that I’m the only one here on this god-forsaken planet! Not to mention the planet’s name is fucking hard to pronounce as well. How the hell is someone supposed to pronounce ‘equus ’. I think it’s like, Ekoos..? or something. I’ll have to ask Twilight later.
I walk up to the candy-covered house in front of me. I made a vow to myself that if there’s a witch in that fucking place, I’d torch her until there was nothing left. While I lucked out, with no witch, there was still a Pinkie waiting to pounce me every time I’d open the door. I seriously know how Calvin feels now. Except, I’ve been getting better and dodging her. I open the door to see the pink blur coming out at me from the top. I duck as she flies over my head. I run in as I hear her grunt with a landing outside.
“Come back, Chance!” I hear Pinkie call from outside. Nope, fuck that shit . I run into the kitchen, but suddenly skid to a halt seeing as Pinkie was literally already in there.
“Buh… wha..?” Pinkie giggles at my dumbfounded look. She waltzes up to me and gives me a normal hug for once. I return the hug before looking around the kitchen.
“Wow, Pinkie. What’d you do, set off a tornado in here?” I ask, the place is covered in baking supplies, flour, and confetti.
“Nope! We’re having a hu-u-ge baking sale tomorrow and I’ve had to make it all. Man, I should’ve had you come sooner!” Pinkie says ecstatically.
“Well, do you have anything else I could help with?” I really hope that I don’t have to clean this mess up. That would seriously suck, especially if she wouldn’t help.
“Hmmm, maybe you could help me clean this kitchen, and I’ll throw in some bits,” she says. I groan inwardly, but keep a happy smile.
“Alright, I’ll help you out then.”
I rub my wrists after finishing up the messy kitchen. It took little over an hour to finish it all, but it was worthwhile because I got to hang out with Pinkie for a bit. She asked me if I could tell her about what my home was like while cleaning. Of course, I told her. I told her about all the heartaches and stresses of my previous home, but also all the happy times too. Before I knew it, I was finished with my story, along with the kitchen.
“Thanks, Chance. I’ll get you your bits,” she says. I had just finished with a sad ending of how my parents had split up. It turns out it hit her hard, considering her poofy mane thing had deflated a little. She sounded a bit somber too. I look out the window towards Canterlot, I think about what my future holds for me, what I’m going to do, and how I’m going to do it. Pinkie snaps me out of my deep-thinking by rattling the bits around in the bag. Before taking it, I give her a bear-hug. She seems to melt within my arms as I snuggle into her neck a little.
“Hey, cheer up pinks. What happened in the past stays there, alright?” I pull back and gaze into her rather large blue eyes. She smiles at me and hugs me one last time before plopping the bag o’ bits into my hand. I stood up to my full height, and pop my back a little.
“Thanks…” I say politely. “I need to go though, Twilight is teaching me how to read Equestrian,” I stare at the gibberish on the cook book.
“Alright, Chase. I’ll see you tomorrow!” she says, back into her usual self. I exit the sugar cube corner and head towards Twilight’s castle. The walk will take about 15 minutes, so let’s go over more things about how I got here.
So I arrived here by being pulled into my television screen by my balls. No, I’m kidding. What actually happened was a little more interesting.
I stood outside my work, it’s a nice place where I can to talk to little old ladies who need their medication. Good pay and good managers are all I need to be in my happy little world. I was on my way home after working a particularly long 10 hour day that left me longing to play on my computer. I stopped at the nearest Little Caesars to pick up one of them $5 pizzas. Mmmmm, Pizza… I pulled into my driveway, exiting my rice-burner of a car with Pizza in hand.
I open up my door, kick off my shoes and place the pizza onto my coffee table. Hmm, computer or TV. Doctor Who is on later, so why not. I flop down onto my couch and switch on the TV.
“Doctor Phil? Wrong doctor,” I switch the channel. “Teen Titans Go is a horrible reboot,” I finally found the station that hosts Doctor Who. I sit back and watch the Doctor be a total badass against what looks like a Nazi version of Clara and another woman who I can’t remember the name to. Halfway through my first pizza, something rustles from down the hall. I quickly mute the TV and peer down the hall. The most I see is complete darkness, which scares the daylights out of me.
I stand up slowly and take a pizza in hand. Because wielding a pizza is perfect. The pizza is aggressive. I take a few steps towards the dark hallway before another rustle is heard. I approach a few more times, hearing the rustling get louder as I approach my door. Something in my room is rustling around a lot of things. I open my door slowly and reach my hand around towards the lightswitch. I feel it and flick it on. I open my door with a loud yell, with pizza in hand.
There’s fucking nothing. I look around my room, eyes narrowed looking for the location of the rustling. I take a bite of the pizza and sigh. God damn it. There’s literally nothing here. I start to leave my room before another cliche rustling sound comes from right behind me.
“Alright, what the hell. Come out!” I shout into the empty room. The rustling sound happens again, but it’s in the closet. Now what’s in the closet? The prospect of the idea terrifies me because there’s fucking monster in my closet. I slowly walk over to the closet and grip the handle and fling it open. It was at this moment, that I realized… I fucked up. Inside my closet was this, gay rainbow thing that had these strands that shot out towards me, wrapping around my torso.
“no no no nO NO NO!” I gripped onto the side of my closet as the rainbow tendrils gripped my torso. My grip started to falter as the tendrils pulled much harder.
“The fuck do you need me for!” I screamed as my right hand lost grip. I looked down towards the gayfest rainbow freak show below me. I clasped my right hand onto the closet again before the tendrils gave one final tug that sent me into the rainbow-ey abyss. What was left at my house, you may ask? Well, sitting in front of my closed closet doors is a half eaten lonely piece of Little Caesars pizza.
Chapter 2, lack for a better title.
So, after I was pulled into my closet by the rainbow fuckshow, I was sent barrelling into a house. What surprised me the most, was not the ponies, but the fact that I was sent into a fucking house and didn’t take a scratch. Maybe magic? I’m guessing magic. Here, you can actually guess it was magic because magic fucking exists. That was another thing that surprised me when I was sent into the world of ponies.
Alright. Now, going back to my quest to Twilight’s MOTHERFUCKING castle. Yes, she has a castle. I also realized that for a princess, she doesn’t have any sort of guard protecting the castle. From what stories I’ve heard around Ponyville I’d think that she’d need some guards due to the fact that every month or so some giant beast comes along and fucks shit up. Apparently I was that thing that comes and fucks shit up this time around.
So apparently the rainbow tendrils were called the Hellements of Armory. No wait, my bad. Elements of Harmony. They fucking brought me here because? Nobody knows. Twilight doesn’t know why they sent me here but they did. She’s also confused because they are currently within the Tree of Harmony . So I got sent here because I’m some sort prodigy and I have to solve some sort of issue. So what issue am I supposed to solve? It doesn’t look like there’s anything here to begin with.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to wait for something maaagical to happen. I’ll usually rely on Pinkies Pinkie Sense™ for anything about to happen. It’s uh… it’s interesting to say the least. I finally approach Twilight’s Crystal Castle. I push open the heaviest door in existence. To this day I still wonder how that puny little dragon opens it with ease.
Walking up the stairs I ponder on how hard this lesson of Equestria will be. I miss seeing the English language, but whatever. Honestly, I keep a journal in my drawer that keeps my English writings in it. Twilight has been the only one who can read it because she has some sort of interdimensional Google Translate or some shit.
“Twilight?” I say as I peek into her room. She’s nowhere to be seen. “Where the hell is she?”
I pull my head back out of her room before turning around. I come nose to nose with Twilight.
“GYAH! Twilight! What the hell?!” I lower my fist that was about to kiss Twilight’s nose violently. Twilight was stifling laughter.
“Hi Chance. I take it you’re here for your lesson?” She opens her door with her MYAJIC and stroll in.
“Yes, Pinkie. I am,” I say, still coming down from the adrenaline high. She rolls her eyes before grabbing another book full of garble.
“I have been researching a way how to pull my knowledge of our language and cram it into your head,” she says.
“You want to shove a book in my head?”
“Essentially.”
“Wouldn’t that… hurt? I mean, you’re literally shoving an entire dictionary into my brain using,” I pause for effect. “Eugh, magic.”
“You’ve got a problem with magic?” It’s apparent that she doesn’t like my attitude against magic.
“Yeah? It doesn’t make any sense that you’re able to do all this stuff on the fly with but a grain of salt,” I rant. I can feel Twilight’s eyes burning holes into the back of my head. I turn around to a fierce glare. “What?”
“Magic is all around us. It’s in you right now!” Twilight pokes me with her hoof.
“Bullshit. If I had magic in me, then why don’t I have any special powers?” I shoot back.
“I don’t know. I haven’t done any tests on you except for your anatomy,” she says. I have awkward flashbacks from when she was examining me. Seriously, I had to strip buck naked. The first thing I noticed about the pastel ponies is that they don’t wear clothing. So when she was sitting there and examining me she wasn’t fazed at all from my nudity while I was standing there with the blush of the century.
“Yeah… so what do you need? My blood or…” I start thinking of anything else.
“Yes, I suppose I do. Hold on one moment,” she trots over to a giant chest and pulls out a syringe that would make the planet cringe. “Too big,” she says. No fucking shit? She then pulls out a MUCH smaller one.
“Here we go. Now, hold your arm out please,” I stretch my arm out before she pushes the needle in. She misses the vein in my inner elbow 9 different times. It hurt so damn much, I actually started crying. She finally jabs the needle into the proper spot. She draws the plunger back, the syringe filling with black liquid.
I sigh with relief when the needle is drawn out. The sting is lingering but it’s still not as bad as repeated jabbing. She smiles at me before storing it… somewhere. It just disappeared.
“Well, I’m giving you a break today. I’m glad you let me have your blood, but I do need some time to myself to examine your blood,” she says. I nod, but I am a little disappointed that I can’t learn more about the Equestrian language.
“Well, good luck,” I say, slowly leaving the room. She waves at me before ‘poofing’ the syringe into existence. I roll my eyes before exiting her room. After a nice five minute walk, I leave the castle.
“What should I do… there’s nothing to do…” I start to walk down towards my house. It’s a regular ol’ cottage, if you’re wondering. It’s not big, it’s not little, it’s uh, just right. I grab the handle, the lock inside ‘magically’ clicking open. I pull down the latch and the door squeaks noisily open. I slam it shut behind me as I flop down onto the couch.
I look down at my arm, and noticed that it had been bleeding openly. It occurred to me that Twilight had never put a bandage on it. Thank god for clotting, am I right? I jump up and run to the bathroom to grab some sort of bandage. I start the water to wash off the blood.
The water is spat out of the faucet with a cold spray. I grab a rag and start to scrub the blood off. It rinses into the sink with flakes. I pat dry my arm before attaching a red bandage. I turn off the light and go back into the living room, flopping onto the sofa again. I scream in boredom before sitting back up.
“God damn! This is fucking boring,” I say while sighing. I miss my TV and game system. Stupid Pelicans of Absurdity… err, Elements of Harmony. I stand back up and open my door. Time to do something productive.
Outside was shockingly beautiful. The grass is green, the sky is blue, the clouds are white and puffy and OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING. I sigh in frustration as I proceed down to the SugarCube Corner. Pinkie Pie will think of something, even if I was just there. I start to go back to the sweetshop.
Author's Note
Hey, nobody questioned why she did that in his artery and pulled back black fluid. If anyone knows anatomy well enough they should know that that would be red frothy blood. Kinda wanna do something with that now.
Chapter 3, Unexpected Encounters
I hummed a small tune, ambling down the dirt road. It's a bit quiet. Too quiet. You know, the kind of quiet where you look around and you're like.
"Where the hell did everyone go?!" I say out loud, frustrated by the lack of anyone in the vicinity. My only response was a deep growling behind me. "Oh... fuck me." I slowly turn around and look up. What greets me is a massive shadow. On cue, it's eyes open up. They're beady and yellow.
My instinct kicked in as I started to back up, beginning to tremble. The second my foot hit the ground behind me, it took one lumbering step towards me, making another growling noise. I spin around and began to sprint, going faster than I'd ever gone before. The world felt like a blur, the wind in my hair, my eyes watering, and the big motherfucking shadow with yellow beady eyes thumping after me. Yup. Just a normal day in Ponyville.
Since life isn't fair, and frankly... between you and me, I think the author hates me, I trip, tumbling around as I began to painfully hit the ground. I let out a girly squeak as the thing slammed to the ground on either side of me.
It then let out a scratchy laugh, "oh you should see your face right now!"
Well great, it's your friendly neighborhood prankster Rainbow Dash. She got me good, hell, even the ponies vanishing was genius!
"God damn it, Dash. I appreciate you encouraging me to shit bricks but I don't need it," the sarcasm bled from my words.
"Did you like it? I spent forever designing this costume for Nightmare Night," she beamed, or rather the fake Timberwolf above me beamed. It reeks!
My free hand found its way to pinching my nose, "you even got the rancid breath down to the rotten teeth, your attention to detail is almost a little too good. Did you make this or did someone help?"
The expression on the Timberwolf changed entirely. "W-wha-? No! Yes, no? I made it! All myself!" Dash replied nervously before attempting to steel herself up more. "N-nevermind about who made it or how, where are you headed?" The hastily made topic change and her clear flusteredness totally betrayed the truth. Ahh, potential blackmail, an easy way to get favors done dirty and remotely.
I barely suppress the devilish grin that nearly worked up from the thought alone, "I was actually heading to Pinkies, I was getting a bit of cabin fever from sitting at home," needless to say, it was just as boring as walking through Ponyville, I simply lucked out with a Dash prank this time. If I only had my technology like I used to, I'd be at home playing games. And I'd be laughing.
"Oh cool, hey, when you get there could you tell her to meet me at Applejack's around 8? I have this really sweet idea for a prank I think she'd might like," she said, the excitement in her eyes translated a little too well in the Timberwolf.
"I'll pass the message but I am not responsible if you get your ribs kicked in," I warned, deciding that the dirt road was wildly uncomfortable. For a brief moment, I looked over myself and brushed off the dirt. I was, however, not ready for the unexpected disappearance of the massive Timberwolf that had been looming over me not a few seconds prior.
"That is total shit! There's no way you vanished that fast!" I ranted, mentally comparing her to one of those Jutsu using flies that refuse to leave you be. The kind that always knows the most irritating place to land. Fuck that fly in particular, the memory of him covering his entire body in blankets helped pass time while he resumed his walk to 'Pies.
The sound of the popular show American Dad rang through the house. Chance could be heard laughing at the ridiculous eyebrow swapping he's witnessed. Right as his giggling died down, a fly landed on his exposed knee. The effect was almost instant as his hand flung with enormous speed, the clap of the impact rang throughout the living room. With a brief and disappointing check of his hand he brought his attention back to the screen.
He didn't even get a second to return his focus to the screen before the fly returned to his knee. Irritation filled his very soul as he reattempted the swat of doom toward the demon fly. It's a shame that flies are natural born with high parry. That, and the attack he used had really low accuracy, a debuff he wasn't aware of.
As per expectation, the fly was seemingly gone. "Stupid.. ninja fly," he muttered to himself. He didn't move his focus this time- a quick attempt to catch the fly in the act. He waited for a minute straight, his mind on a motion basis. Eventually he'd get tired of the image of his knee and let his focus back to the TV. The SECOND he even registered what was on screen the fly strategically flew in for another landing, on the exact same spot as before.
A frustrated growl rumbled deep in his vocal chords while he stared hatred, daggers and ice at the demon fly. His glare could have made even the toughest man wither into a skeleton, but the fly was obliviously immune to his smoldering anger. And then it bit him, sending him into a fit. The sting stung through his rampant stomping into his room, kicking aside the crust of an old pizza slice before flinging his closet open.
"Screw you and your entire species you stupid fuckin' fly!" He'd yell as he grabbed several blankets from the upper shelf. He stomped back to the living room and immediately started cocooning himself with the comforters as a defense from the fly with Annoy as its primary attack.
Feeling satisfied with the panzer like feeling he got from the blanket fortification he finally allowed himself to catch a breath and enjoy his show. Try and get to me now, you freaking lunatic. Chance taunted mentally, but alas.. the nearly impenetrable defense of his blanket Fort Knox was thwarted within the span of five seconds. Right as he began to enjoy himself once more, the fly charged directly into his eye.
I rubbed my eye for a moment, the memory flaring up a heated anger. Luckily for me, it didn't last very long as I soon found myself right at the entrance of the Sugarcube corner again. All hands, brace for impact! my hand hadn't even made contact with the door before it flung itself open. Not wanting to get Pinkie punished, I allowed the tactical hug to hit.
"WHOOF!" My lungs shouted as the wind was forcibly ejected from my soul. "You're back early, Chancey! Do you really like me that much? Huh? Do ya? Do ya do ya do ya?" She teased seemingly playfully. My mouth flapped wordlessly for several moments, my body trying to regain the air that was punched from me.
"Wheeeze! O-one sec I cahn't- Wheeeeeeze! breathe!" I protested, my head swam a little from the brief disconnect of airflow and impact. In my luck, Pinkie isn't really as big of an airhead as she usually tends to act and had eased off of my chest. "I'm sorry! I didn't know I got you that hard," she said, voice laced with a little concern.
After about a minute of regaining my lost breath and concern whether my solar plexus was fractured or not. Deciding that it would probably be a little bruised, I told Ponk that I wasn't hurt and forced my body vertical.
"It's weird how I can crash land from seemingly orbit and be totally okay but still get the wind knocked out of me from a pony half my height," I ranted mildly, re brushing the dirt off my pants and back once again. Pinkie giggled in response.
"Silly Chance, you didn't have magic protecting you! Its why I can't get Twilight or Rarity," I felt the grumpy anti-magic thought rise from my chest, but her attitude was infectious.
"Yeah.. anyways, I've got a message and a request," I said, attempting to bring my reason for my visit back to light.
"Oh yeah? What's that?"
"Rainbow asked you to meet up at Applejack's around 8, something about a prank? That and I wanted to do any work to ease my ceaseless boredom," I explained.
"Ooh!" She squealed and then got quiet and whispered, "is it the Timberwolf?"
"Yep. She scared the man out of me with it," I admitted, "if you tell anyone I told you that I'll curse whatever sweets you make to taste like mayonnaise that was left out on the counter for too long," I warned with absolute seriousness. My threat was empty so long as Twilight refused.
"I cross my heart, hope to fly," she said with the included gesture, "stick a cupcake in my eye," and thus the ritual was done.
Something about her unusual version of the chant made the air change. "Did.. you use some magic or something? It feels kinda weird outside now," a cold shiver rolled across my skin.
"It's a secret~!" She sang, "but if you ever need to make a promise you can never ever ever ever ever EVER break, you can trust the Pinkie swear," then at once she got ominous, her gaze felt like it punched a hole in my soul, "nobody breaks a Pinkie promise. Ever,"
With that, she returned back to her usual self as quick as her soul destroying expression came. "Anyways, let's go bake something! I'm thinking something with loads of chocolate and whipped cream," she said perkily. Chocolate and whipped cream? That doesn't sound bad at all actually!
With a grin and a curt nod, I stepped over to the door and pulled it open. "Ladies first, madame," I said with a faux-posh accent.
"Why thank you, my kind stallion! Now let us bake the most delectable sweets and pastries," Pinkie responded with the same silliness before dashing in, leaving me in her dust. A brief chuckle motioned forth before I dashed after her, refusing to miss a single step of this creative baking process.
Author's Note
I really had to force my own creative process with this.
You'll probably be delighted to know that I based the aggravating fly story on an interaction I actually had, just a little less extravagant.
Also, if you find a typo or a sentence that doesn't seem quite right please let me know! I'm writing on a smashed phone for you guys :)