"Look honey, there goes another one."
Generic glanced up from his morning newspaper to look at his wife. Her hoof was pointed out the living room window at what he already knew was another human.
Another human in Equestria.
His nostrils flared and the newspaper burst into flames as he stood up and shouted, "That's it!"
The beautiful mare he called his wife looked at him in disapproval. "Now dear, remember your blood pressure."
"To Hell with my blood pressure!" Generic shouted, looking around frantically. "I'm going to take care of this once and for all—damn it, where’s my coat?!"
"You don't own a coat, now, please, just sit down," the mare insisted, but it was too late. Generic extended his glorious red and black wings and used his magic to blow a hole in the side of his house. He flew through the smoke and immediately found his target.
The pasty skinned human turned just in time to see the magnificent alicorn soaring at him. It put its hands up to block the speeding stallion, but its level of protection was equivalent to that of a Snickers wrapper condom. The impact sent the human through three houses and a barn before it finally came to rest in a crater.
Generic stood over the human, breathing heavily. "What are you doing here?" he asked, glaring. "Let me guess, you died in your world and were brought here? Where'd you wake up? The Ever-fucking-free Forest?!"
The human looked up at his assailant and quivered. "I-I-I don't remember! Please, w-who are you?! Where am I?!"
"Oh, you don't remember!" Generic laughed manically. "Well, let me be the first to welcome you to Equestria. My name is Generic, the best damn alicorn king ever. I'm red, I'm black, and I'm your worst nightmare."
His horn began to crackle with energy as he pointed it at the human. Before he could attack, he heard footsteps coming from behind him. Not hoof steps—but foot steps. When he spun around, a fat human with a black beard, big smile, and a blue button up shirt was standing there looking at him.
"BILLY MAYS HERE WITH ANOTHER FANTASTIC PRODUCT!" the human shouted.
"Sombra's taint! Another one!" Generic cursed. He unleashed his attack on this human, causing it to turn immediately to a pile of ashes. The other human had tried to crawl away, but Generic levitated it off the ground. "What's your name?" he growled.
The human spun around helpless in the red aura of magic. "M-my name is Jason. I'm a college student from Earth, my hair is brown, I'm twenty-two, I'm a procrastinator, my favorite food is—
"Shut up," Generic snarled, smashing the human against the ground and lifting him back up. "That is way too much generic information you've just presented me with."
"Discord," Jason spat through a mouthful of blood, dirt, and broken teeth. "I remember Discord! He brought me here!"
"Oh, ho, ho did he now?" Generic laughed. "I bet he's responsible for a lot of you two-leggers I've been seeing lately. Not all…but most," he added. He dropped the human back onto the ground and spread his wings. "Don't move. Don't think. Wait here until I get back. I'm assuming you have an Ipod?"
"Didn't have time to grab it," Jason mumbled, lying on the ground in the fetal position.
"Then hum quietly. This shouldn't take too long."
Generic took to the skies and after a quick flyby of Ponyville, saw the draconequus in the center of town. When he landed, the non plot relevant ponies fled in fear at his sight. Discord simply looked at the alicorn in amusement.
"Why, if it isn't my generic friend," Discord said with a toothy grin. "What brings you here this morning? Come to romance the Elements of Harmony? Or perhaps you're on an edgy power quest again?"
"Humans," Generic said, struggling for breath. "Stop bringing them here. They don't belong here."
Discord laughed. "Need I remind you that you don't belong here either?"
"Hey, I've earned my stay," Generic replied angrily, but it only caused Discord to laugh again. "What? What?! What's so funny?!"
"Sorry," Discord said, stifling another laugh. "Look, these creatures aren't nearly as bad as you red and black alicorns. Why, just meet Kevin here."
With a snap of his fingers, Discord summoned a human dressed in strange orange garb. The human looked around with a fish out of water expression until a look of realization spread across his face. He squatted down and clenched his fists as he began drawing power, but Discord put his claw out to stop him.
"Not yet, Kevin," Discord said. "Now, you see, Kevin here was at one of those delightful Anime conventions dressed as…uh…who did you say you were?"
"I am Goku! Super Saiyan warrior!" Kevin shouted, his voice cracking.
"Yes, Goku! He's Goku," Discord clarified. "You see, I was at this convention also—incognito of course—when I met Kevin here and offered him the chance of a lifetime! He would get all of Goku's powers, but he'd be transported to our universe!"
Generic shook his head and looked at Discord in disbelief. "Why? Why do any of that?"
Suddenly, a tear in the sky opened up and a pink alien looking thing crawled out.
"Because Majin Buu has broken the barrier of our universe and Kevin is our only hope!" Discord exclaimed throwing his hands up in excitement. There was a brief pause and he looked to Kevin. "That's your cue, Kev-O."
The human's hair turned bright yellow and he took off to the sky to do battle with the one called Majin Buu. Generic and Discord remained on the ground and watched as the two universe intruders fought above.
"And Jason? Why'd you bring him here?" Generic asked, looking back down.
"Which one was Ja—Oh! He entered a meditative trance through which I could communicate with him, and I offered him Lyra here as a romantic partner." Discord grabbed the green unicorn mare that had been idling in the background during their conversation. "Where is he? He's going to be late for their first date!"
"I left him in a pile of Billy Mays' ashes just outside the Everfree," Generic replied.
A rare look of confusion spread across Discord's face. "Billy Mays?" he said questioningly. With a snap of his fingers, a scroll of paper appeared before him with a long list of names. "He's not one of mine," he said after reading through the list.
"Oh, great," Generic moaned. "Look, cut your crap. I'm trying to wrap this whole human problem up in one chapter."
Discord pouted his lips and begrudgingly snapped his fingers. Just as Kevin was about to unleash a massive spirit bomb using all the life energy he'd collected from pony-kind, he and Majin Buu disappeared.
"There, happy now?" Discord asked, crossing his arms like a child that didn't get its own way. "What happened to you? You used to be so fun."
"I was put on hiatus for two years and came back for this shit," Generic replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to immolate the Everfree Forest."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Discord said, grabbing onto Generic's tail before he could fly away. "Are you sure you don't want to stick around? Maybe grab lunch? I only do this because I get lonely."
"You're not furthering the plot, so let me go," Generic demanded, eventually breaking free. He shook his head and took to the skies leaving Discord to his misery, which was short lived, because Lyra too was lonely and they had a wonderful lunch together that eventually resulted in lovemaking, pregnancy, and childbirth.
The Everfree Forest loomed on the horizon and Generic was horrified to see a stream of humans dressed in camouflage pouring out from the bushes. Most were wielding firearms and seemed to be in generally bad moods given their current surroundings.
Generic landed on the path and cast a barrier spell around the entirety of the forest. "Alright! None of you move!" he shouted.
"Holy shit, a talking pony!" nearly all the humans exclaimed. A rare, "I'm in Equestria?!" could also be heard.
An arm went across Generic's shoulder and he turned to see one of the humans leaning on him. "'Sup?" the human said coolly. "Name's Kyle. I'm a sniper for the Army—and see this?" He held up the rifle in his hands. "This is an AS50, fifty caliber, semi-auto sniper rifle with a ballistics CPU. I have over a hundred confirmed kills."
Generic narrowed his eyes and the human slowly removed his arm from around Generic's neck. "I don't care," he said slowly. "How did you get here?"
"Killed in the line of duty!" the growing crowd of humans answered in unison.
Without a word, Generic pushed his way into the forest and kept on walking until he came to a familiar clearing. It was the same clearing he himself had awoken in years before. "Why?" he shouted to the trees. "Why here? What about this spot is so friggin' special?!"
Four ponies burst from the bushes, but Generic had already trapped them in one of his many defensive spells. They struggled to get free, yet found their attempts to be futile.
"Great, we got so distracted by the humans that we weren't ready for an alicorn," the only mare in the group of ponies said angrily.
"Wait a tic, I think I seen this one before," a small stallion said, squinting at Generic.
"Oh, how could you tell?" a much larger stallion growled. "He's black and red, just like the rest of 'em, and I don't see no tag on his ear."
Generic sighed and rubbed his temples. "You're the Canon Squad? Aren't you?" he asked. "Look, you had your shot, but I'm ending this now."
The four ponies looked dumbfounded and exchanged panicked glances. Generic raised his horn and it glowed so brightly that the entirety of the Everfree Forest was illuminated by the light. When the spell was complete, Generic crumbled to the ground and fought to keep conscious.
"The hell did it just do?" the large stallion asked. Free from Generic's magic, the Canon Squad cautiously approached the alicorn.
"I just made your job easier, okay?" Generic coughed, getting back onto his hooves. "They," he said, putting extra emphasis on the word, "can't get in anymore. I sacrificed my Element of Harmony or some bullshit in order to put a barrier between worlds. Plus, all the ones that were here are gone now."
The Canon Squad stood still, not sure how to deal with the situation. After a few tense moments, the mare of the squad said, "So now all we have to worry about is, well, your kind?"
Generic seemed taken aback, but knew exactly what the mare was inferring. "You do whatever you think is necessary to keep the sanctity of this land. But if you come for me I will unleash all of my unfair powers and angst against you."
Without another word, the alicorn stallion left the clearing and started his journey home. Fly? Teleport? Makes too much sense, he thought to himself as he walked. I guess old habits die hard.
Author's Note
Did you notice how Generic has high blood pressure, and struggles for breath constantly? He's getting old. (METAPHOR!)
