How to Fake Your Pregnancy (without really trying)

Princess Cadance walked inside her Crystal Palace. She felt uncomfortable. It wasn't just because she had a water balloon stretching her uterus. She was uncomfortable with what she was going to have to do to keep the entire affair under wraps. Cadance did not like lying to her husband, Shining Armor. She didn't like keeping secrets from him. But once all of this was over, it wouldn't matter. She would have a foal. And they would be parents. Sure, Shining Armor had been sexually exhausted from 'trying' for the past week with her heightened libido. But his drive would return on its own in time.

"Will we still be able to have sex?" she had asked before leaving the doctor's office.

"Certainly," Dr. Dova answered. "The flange sits recessed in your cervix. So unless he goes in looking with one of these..." he held up a speculum from his tool tray, "he'll never even know it's in there."

Cadance opened the door to her chambers and walked inside. Shining, waiting for her, rose from his seat. He trotted over to greet her with a hug. They shared a smile and a kiss.

"How did it go?" he asked. Cadance vividly remembered the sensation of the doctor up to his elbow inside her.

"It was... fine. Everything's good." She put her bag in her nightstand next to her reading book, tissues, and 'marital aides'.

"What's all that?" he asked her of the bag she brought home.

"Oh, just a few things the doctor gave me for the pregnancy." She took out the prescription bottle. It was her hormones to simulate pregnancy. But it was simply labeled 'Pre-Natal Vitamins'. She took her first one with a glass of water.

"So..." Shining paced frantically, "what do we do next?" he asked. "Should we make the happy announcement?" Cadance thought about that. Only then did the reality of this path became overbearingly clear. She would have to lie not just to her husband, but to everypony. Everypony except her doctor and aunts.

"I guess so," she said. "I'll tell Auntie Tia and Luna."

"And then I'll send a letter to Mr. and Mrs. Cake in Ponyville," Shining said. "We can make it a top secret surprise for Twilight and her friends before the big public announcement."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Cadance said. Shining sat at his desk and started drafting up a letter. Cadance headed downstairs to start making arrangements for the trip to Ponyville. They could send the letter ahead, and then stop in Canterlot to talk to the royal sisters on the way to Ponyville.

"We're having a baby!" Shining and Cadance announced together to Princess Celestia and Luna in Canterlot the evening of the next day. Luna had only just awoken a short time earlier, preparing to take over for the night court.

"That is- wonderful news!" Celestia said, exchanging a knowing glance with Cadance and Luna. Cadance turned to Shining.

"Shiny, dear, I know you haven't had dinner. Why don't you head down to the kitchen and get yourself something to eat?" she suggested. "We're going to have girl-talk for a little bit. I think I saw corn dogs."

"Corn dogs!? Radical!" Shining trotted out of the parlor, heading downstairs to the Canterlot royal kitchen. Cadance sat down opposite her aunts at the coffee table.

"So..." Celestia led, now that the three of them were alone to themselves, "am I to understand that you've had the... procedure?"

"...Yes," Cadance groaned.

"How are you feeling?" Celestia asked with concern.

"Uncomfortable," she answered, rubbing her abdomen.

"Yes. It will be. That means it's working. Better get used to it, I suppose," Celestia sympathized, "Just wait until the side effects of the medication kick in."

"The cravings, sickness, and lactation," Luna added. Cadance rubbed the bridge of her nose. She had only been 'pregnant' for two days. She was not looking forward to eleven more months of it.

"Hey Cadie!" Shining called out to her. He came trotting back, with a plate full of food from downstairs. "Here, honey!" he offered her the plate. "Remember, you're eating for two now!" Cadance looked from him to her aunts. Celestia and Luna exchanged looks of envy, having a stallion doting on her like that.

"Enjoy it, Cadance," Celestia said, "This is the time to indulge yourself and let your special somepony take care of you."

"And DO take care of her," Luna ordered of him.

"Of course. I promise," he said.

"We're having a baby!" Shining and Cadance announced together, again, at the conclusion of Twilight's scavenger hunt in Ponyville the following day. Twilight's friend, Pinkie Pie, had only just barely managed to keep the secret to herself after intercepting the letter to the Mr. and Mrs. Cake at Sugarcube Corner.

During the ensuing party, Carrot Cake pulled Shining Armor aside to give him some advice, from one father, to another, future-father.

"So, do you want a colt or a filly? Do you know what it will be yet?" Carrot asked. Shining shook his head.

"I don't know. I mean, we don't know, we only just found out ourselves a few days ago," he said. Carrot glanced past him at Cadance. Indeed, she was just as slim and fit as she had been the last time he had seen her. There was no visible indication that she was with foal at all. "I don't care what the gender of the foal is," Shining answered, "either is fine with me."

"Well, I hope you have a colt," Carrot said, "for your sake." Shining gave him a confused look.

"Why? What do you mean?"

"Well, colts are tougher to take care of when they're young. But fillies are way worse when they grow up. You remember how crazy they can be," he said. Shining did remember how bad Twilight could be when they were growing up, and how difficult she was for their parents when she started going through puberty. "With a colt," Carrot continued, "you only have to worry about one dick getting somepony pregnant. With a filly, you have to worry about every dick."

"Oh, and fillies are worse with diapers," Mrs. Cake said, passing by.

"Oh, yeah!" Carrot said, with an exasperated expression. "You have got to make sure that you wipe really well with a filly in a diaper, especially her vagina."

"WHAT!?" Shining was appalled at the way the stallion was talking about his own daughter.

"No, it's true. Every time she shits her diaper, it goes right up her twat! And you have to get in there and clean every last bit of it out every time or else it could be a horrible infection."

"Yeah, they don't tell you about that part in the fairy tales, do they?" Mrs. Cake said. "And make sure you use the ointment or else they'll get a rash. You don't want them getting ass-rot." Shining gulped. The prospect of taking care of a foal had been such a vague, distant concept to him. But reality of it, in all of its grotesque detail, was beginning to overwhelm him. Mrs. Cake could see the fear in his eyes. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I- I don't know," he answered, his voice shaky.

"You will," Carrot Cake said, putting a hoof on his shoulder. "You're a good pony. And when you meet your foal for the first time, you'll know. You'll be more sure than you ever have been before in your life. You'll know that no matter what, no matter how hard it gets, you'll be there for that foal. You'll find an inner strength that you never even knew was there. I know it's a cliche, but it really does change you, being a parent," he said. Shining found it a little easier to breathe.

"Thanks."

"No problem. You just worry about dealing with her for now," he said, motioning to Cadance. "A pregnant mare can be a hoof-full on its own."

Two days later, back in the Crystal Empire, Cadance stood in her bathroom, looking in the mirror as she took her daily hormone pill. She didn't feel any different... yet. She opened the pregnancy kit that she had received, placing the pill bottle back inside. She saw the hose, coiled up. It had been a few days. She didn't feel uncomfortable any longer.

"No discomfort, means no progress." She could hear the doctor's instructions in her mind. As much as she was dreading it, she understood that this was the key part of the entire plan. They had already told everypony that they were having a baby. It was too late for her to back out now. She locked the door to the bathroom. She removed the shower head and attached the hose. She took a deep breath, feeding the other end into her vagina, using her magic to guide the tip to the connector inside her, feeling it click into place.

She turned on the water and opened the valve on the hose, letting it flow into her. She didn't need much to add before she felt the familiar sensation of stretching pressure. She closed the valve, stopping the flow. She leaned on the edge of the tub, panting a bit. After a moment, the worst of it passed. She opened the valve a little again, adding just a bit more until she almost couldn't stand it. She closed the valve again. It wasn't much. Maybe a couple ounces.

"Baby steps," she breathed, pressing the button to release the connection. She slid the tube out of her vagina, disconnected the other end from the shower head and rolled it back up, putting it back inside her bag. She stood there, looking at herself in the mirror, looking at the shape of her profile. She put a hoof to her belly, imagining what she might look like in a few months, pregnant.

But right now, all she wanted to do was sleep.