OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP OH CRAP
OH CELESTIA PLEASE FORGIVE ME
Author's Note
I tried really really hard to make this teen rated despite the subject matter. I don't think acknowledging the existence of porn goes past a teen rating, right?
OH CELESTIA PLEASE FORGIVE ME
“Oh crap oh crap oh crapcrapcrapcrap!”
The panic in Spike’s tone was beginning to meld together until his constant spewing of fear-driven anxiety began to sound like one long word. The taste of both ash and cinder was on his tongue when he fell to his knees. As his fingers desperately clawed at the ground and more importantly the remaining bits of meaningful enjoyment that he would find in his life before it was ended prematurely by punishment that would probably be all too similar to the images he had been viewing with exactly none of the stimulation that had made it so enjoyable in the first place.
“WHY?” Spike yelled. His claws scraped through the bits of ash of what had been the source of his enjoyment just moments before. His own breath was beginning to get caught up in his throat as he desperately tried to somehow dig at the crystal floor of his bedroom to see if somehow the pictures of the page he had just been holding has somehow materialized magically through the floor. His own brain wasn’t making sense, and he tried to convince himself that of course the magazine would be there. It was a magic house with magical properties, obviously!
Spike had settled in for the long haul. It was very rare that he had ever such a long time home alone, and even longer since he had felt well enough to even consider having that sort of alone time. The kind that involved rifling through his stack of comic books for the one slightly discolored with a magazine slipped inside of another magazine in its contents. The one with photos of mares that probably would make even the toughest of mares like Rainbow Dash squirm with discomfort and the weakest willed of mares such as Fluttershy faint at the sight of something nearly that large even coming close to those areas on her body!
He just wanted a little bit of time alone, and Twilight stepping out of the castle to buy him some orange juice had been the opportunity that he had desperately been searching for. Just a little bit of time to relieve himself so he could go back to being sick without his thoughts of hormonal tease always at the edge of his mind. What could go wrong?
Apparently everything. Everything could go wrong.
With nothing else to occupy him, Spike’s thoughts had been running rampant with what any hormonal man’s mind would run with. Kinky magazines. Very flammable kinky magazines. If it were not already in the hooves of a Princess who might be passed out from shock and horror this second then it had to have been on its way.
He had been sick. He knew never to touch anything flammable when he was sick. He had learned the hard way multiple times when he was young and accidently burnt up some of his toys only to be forced to painfully regurgitate them when Princess Celestia was kind enough to send them back with awkward pointy ends filling the insides of his mouth. Once when he was browsing a toy catalog many years ago in his youth the Princess had actually been so kind as to pick out one of the toys he circled and send that to him. The fifteen page apology letter Twilight had made him write was probably almost worth it, too!
But he had a feeling that Princess Celestia would not be sending him the Pounding Menace 6000 with batteries included.
“Arugh!” Spike cried out and slapped his hands to either side of his head and then slammed his head to the floor. His nose was stuffed, his head was stuffier, and worst of all he had a headache. He was going to die via public execution because of his sick, twisted tastes in personal reading material feeling like complete and utter crap!
“Stupid stupid STUPID!” He not only shouted, but bellowed his berations to himself. His knuckles connected with the side of his head with each and every shout he felt his breath bounce from the floor and down his chest.
How had he been so happy just moments before? Joy was meaningless. How could he have been so enticed by the skin-tight latex in a horribly diverse selection of both mares and stallions of any race and size. He knew nothing of erotica. There was only pain. Pain and humiliation that if Celestia didn’t kill him by forcing him to throw up a few poison knives he would surely find it to be the cause of his death within the hour if she dared acknowledge it.
He was thinking of the possibilities of his future and how nothing would ever be the same. He couldn’t accept that he might in the tiniest of ways be overreacting. He knew very little of normal male procedures, hanging around with largely women at all times, but he knew very well that it was very bad to have what you enjoyed be seen. The only thing worse was if Princess Celestia somehow knew his thought process moments before the invasion of privacy that he had forced upon himself.
“Oh that’s hot on her.”
“Yeah, lick him there.”
“I should get one of those toy things.”
“OH CRAP!”
That last thought was still repeating, if not ringing in his head. Now Spike might as well have had a bomb strapped to his back with an unknown time of explosion.
Spike got to his feet, albeit shakily. His body was weak and mind too panicked to focus on keeping himself steady. Something in the back of his throat tickled, so he ended up coughing and trying his best to cover it with the palms of his hands. Sudden green flame erupted from his mouth that filled him with a sense of deja-vu and made him relive the memory of what he had lost.
If he wasn’t both sick and panic-stricken he might have not considered the possibility that it might be the last things his body ever saw before he was burned at the stake. In a much more sensible time of his life, perhaps when he was picking daisies or not looking at porn, he might have recalled that dragons were fireproof. But he didn’t. Because he was in fact looking at porn.
What he had burned and sent to the princess, a fact that was still running through his head in repeat, wasn’t tame. These photos were not the kind of rainbows and daisies where mares and stallions are beautiful creatures whose bodies are works of art. Spike had resorted to this for many many years. The only acceptable way for a young dragon such as himself with hormones that could hit him harder than the punishment he was going to receive to get his rocks off so to speak. Scratch that. Harder than the way those stallions hit those mares in very sensitive places.
This magazine had latex. This magazine had toys. This magazine had name calling. This magazine was too vulgar to look at if you weren’t a horribly enticed dragon who had been too sick to even think of lowering his hands past his nose for the past week in fear you would get yourself covered in snot. He was desperate, and terribly terribly attracted to the idea of a mare calling a stallion a spank monkey just three minutes prior. Now that he had the chance to think straight, he couldn’t help but wonder just what the hell a visualization of a spank monkey might look like. It didn’t make sense! Nothing in erotica ever made any sense!
Spike truly was beginning to lose his mind.
The dragon was now pacing. He thought about running away from home, but thought he would stand out too much. He thought about framing somepony and putting himself into the light of a good semetarian who happened to be ridding Equestria of the vile scum nopony should ever look at. This would mean shaming his kinks very loudly and clearly. He would be, he supposed, a kinkshamer.
This almost seemed reasonable if he could actually find a single pony worth framing. But none of his friends, with the exception of possibly Rainbow Dash, would be plausible enough to frame. And even if they were, Spike wasn’t positive he could rat out his friends if he tried. Even if it meant them knowing that deep down inside, he truly was a approaching the age of a rise in uncontrollable hormones. He couldn’t stand them knowing. He just couldn’t!
He had found the evidence of his death sentence in a box filled with a dozen other magazines, none of which pornographic, and of course was unable to resist the idea of taking it home and looking it over just once before disposing it. He had looked at it so many times since then that he had lost count.
Spike found his way to the window and was already biting on the claws of his hand and breathing so heavily that he might have passed out of hyperventilation if he kept it up. But no, something caught his breath with such a tight lasso and pulled it into him so deep that all his anxiety and pain seemed to gather in the pit of his stomach. Twilight Sparkle was just outside of the castle.
“Oh Celestia!” Spike shouted, and slapped his claws over his heart. It was beating faster than Rainbow Dash had ever flown. This was despite the fact that Celestia was the last pony he wanted to call upon not to mention ever SEE again on account of sending her hardcore erotica when he was in the middle of a very private matter!
Spike’s knees felt like jelly when he heard his death calling. He almost fell to his knees once more if he didn’t grip the windowsill just when he watched Twilight enter her home.
“Spiiiiiike!” Twilight Sparkle’s voice range out through the castle. “I got you some juice! You want any?”
He had to remind himself that only him and one other pony knew of his humiliation for the time being. Acting normal again wasn’t just a difficult task, but a downright impossible one. Twilight had returned earlier than expected.
Spike heard hooves clopping against the crystal floors. He blinked, and bit the insides of both his cheeks. He shut his eyes firmly and tried his best to stop thinking of Princess Celestia staring at his images of mares being kissed by three stallions at once at various parts of a pony's body. He was somewhere between trying to forget this while also trying to make up some story about how he thought it was a true artistic description of a mare’s body and how it symbolized power and grace and dominance. It didn’t at all degrade them to a sex object in this very specific image no matter how much it might look like it!
“Spike, what are you doing out of bed?” Twilight had already reached his door, and cracked it open. Spike jumped despite the fact he should have been expecting this. He had been so caught up in his thoughts the buzzing of a housefly might have startled him.
“Gah! What are who?” Spike shouted, and turned around to face Twilight. She had a confused look on her face that was somewhere between concern and questioning. He could already tell that his face looked unnatural by the way she seemed to be diagnosing if he was so sick he was delusional.
“I-I mean what do you want?” Spike quickly corrected himself once his brain could form a functional thought. Twilight raised her eyebrow, remained silent for the next eternity (ten seconds) and then spoke.
“I just got you some juice, like you wanted,” Twilight lifted an orange carton before her and shook it a bit. “Just making sure you’re doing fine. You look like you just saw a ghost or something.”
“Totally fine!” Spike laughed and placed both hands on his sides. The way he wobbled when he tried to walk probably didn’t help his case much. He was still sick, after all. “I didn’t do anything while you were gone!”
“Uhh.” Twilight’s mouth opened slowly, and then closed. She looked around the room as if suddenly suspicious. Spike felt the very strong desire to state the obvious, which was that he wasn’t looking at any dirty magazines. He decided this might not be the most tactical approach and kept his mouth shut. “Alright then. Do you want an-”
“MMMF!” Spike suddenly interrupted Twilight when he felt something clog his throat. He forced both hands over his mouth and watched Twilight’s eyes widen right before his own closed. This wasn’t just being sick, this was Celestia’s magic. He felt a spark of panic pierce his system and he fell to his already shaky knees. In a last, desperate attempt for a few moments of freedom from humiliation he managed to croak out a very quick but loud cry.
“TRASHCAN!” He shouted.
“Oh dear!” Twilight yelped in shock.
Spike almost heard the heavens sing when he heard her hooves slam against the crystal flooring. It was just milliseconds before whatever Celestia had sent him fell from his mouth in a rush of fire and ash that re-assembled and landed on the floor before him. His eyes were watering, his gut was clenched, and he was already planning his excuses upon excuses before he realized that what was before him was not a letter or poison knife, but his magazine.
Between the pages was a small piece of paper. Spike reached out his hand gingerly and snagged it as if the magazine were a venus fly trap that might bite at him if he wasn’t quick enough. It was a letter from Princess Celestia, he could recognize her elegant hoof writing anywhere.
Dear Spike,
I think you must have had a wrong sneeze or you’ve gone delusional to accidently send me this! I would do a better job of keeping that fire under control if you want to save yourself a bit of heartache. I appreciate your wide range of interests, however. Please do continue to explore a bit more in what you enjoy!
Yours Truly,
Princess Celestia
Spike blinked. He read the letter twice. Three times even. It took that long for it to sink in to him that he wasn’t reading horrible, hateful vile.
“Spike!” He heard Twilight shout. Spike felt the panic hit him again. He wasn’t in the clear yet! He grabbed the magazine, and jumped straight for his bed before burying it under his pillow and then pushing down on that pillow as if that somehow might hide it better.
“Spike I got one I got one!” Twilight was already halfway in his room before she stopped in her tracks. Her breath was fast and her eyes were wide with fear.
“I-I think it passed!” Spike answered once their eyes met. He was unable to hold onto her gaze for too long before his cheeks grew warm and he had to look away. He saw the small trash bin Twilight had carried with her magic touch the floor out of the corner of his eye. She sat down on the floor and wiped at her brow in a sort of relieved manner.
“Close one,” Twilight sighed happily.
“You’re telling me,” Spike mumbled. He felt a smile creep on his face as though he had just gotten away with something big. Bigger than big in fact. He had just straight up shown Princess Celestia his personal interests. He had stared banishment, or a worse fate, in the face and laughed at it. He started to grin a bit stupidly, and then giggle after that.
Princess Celestia had seen the Pounding Menace 6000 and he lived to tell the tale.
“Spike?” Twilight asked almost the moment she took notice of this behavior. “Is something wro-”
“MMF!” Spike felt something else come up. He spoke too soon.
A piece of paper flew from his mouth in a spit of green flames, slipping from his grasp when he tried to catch it.
“Oh, a letter from Celestia!” Twilight Sparkle gleefully shouted. Spike watched the paper glow in her magical aura and snatch from the air and land in front of her eyes. “Wonder what she has to say?”
“Twilight, no!” Spike shouted. He tried to jump out of bed and grab the paper, but due to his already weak, ill body his head began to rush and he was unable to snatch it back.
“Oh wait, I think I have a compendium in my personal collection of this specific series?” Twilight Sparkle turned her head when she read this out loud. She phrased it as a question, but it was clearly a statement. She turned the paper over to see if perhaps something else was written, but the other side was blank. “What’s she mean newer version?”
And then it happened again. Spike felt it rise within him against his will. He covered his mouth, but it wouldn’t do any good. It felt like his cheeks were about to explode if he dared to keep the flames within him any longer. His lips slipped open, and out came a spew of green flames and cinders that began to materialize into not only a magazine, but a book at least three inches thick. Hardback. Black. With a cover that landed between the two face up with a stallion having his legs spread censored only by the fact that a mare’s face was between them and grabbing onto either of his thighs. Her face was buried in… Oh gosh…
Silence fell. Neither pony spoke. Equestria had never once in Spike’s entire life been this quiet. They sat stone faced, staring at the book. Twilight’s mouth was the only thing to move as Spike watched it fall open, her eyes widening as an expression of shock and horror slowly manifested itself on her face. He could visually see her mind shattering, and everything she had once believed in was suddenly turned upside down.
"WHAT IN EQUESTRIA IS THAT?"
