“Discord!” Twilight’s voice resonated throughout the crystal castle and shattered the nighttime silence. Even a few blocks away some ponies grumbled in their beds about ‘annoying princesses’ or ‘what did Discord do this time?’ before quickly falling asleep again. Twilight cared little for what ponies thought of her in this instance, however, due to the fact that she was royally pissed.
In a burst of sawdust and bees, Discord appeared directly in front of Twilight, handling a candlestick telephone. “You are currently connected to Discord, all-around nice fellow, and lord of things both chaotic and wonderful. May I ask who has the pleasure of speaking with me?” He said into the wrong end of the phone. His tone would be considered pleasant if he wasn’t so obviously mocking her. Her left eye twitched.
“I don’t have time for your games, Discord!” She almost screamed at him. He didn’t even flinch at the volume.
In fact, he didn’t seem to have noticed her at all, content as he was talking into the detached receiver, “Hello? Any alicorn there? Did you forget how to speak? I would say I am sympathetic, but that’s never happened to me before!” Without warning, a ghostly second head turned itself around, completely independent from the currently ‘busy’ one, startling Twilight into taking a step back. The end of his tail moved to rest on the side of his face, and the incorporeal annoyance opened his mouth, “Psst,” He whispered, somehow louder than the original head. “You have to speak into the phone. Hint hint, nudge nudge.”
Utterly baffled, and growing more annoyed by the second, Twilight prepared to lecture him that she didn’t, in fact, have a teleph- Oh. Directly to the left of her head, a phone currently floated. She swore it wasn’t there a moment ago, but she unhooked the receiver and levitated it to her ear anyways, and brought the body of the device closer to her mouth.
Clearing her throat, she spoke as gently as she could, “DISCORD!” Which considering how angry she was, wasn’t gentle in the least.
Discord’s ears, as well as both phones, burst into fully wrapped pieces of salt water taffy as he wailed in exaggerated pain. “Woe is me! You have defeated the Great and Powe-wait, wrong character.” He fell onto Rarity’s fainting couch, his noodly body hanging off both ends. “-This is the worst. Possible. Thing!” He enunciated each and every syllable, obviously mocking Rarity, causing Twilight’s teeth to grind. With a snap of his claws, he produced a bucket of ice cream, but instead of eating it whole like she expected, he rubbed it all over his head, the cold treat quickly seeping into his fur and being absorbed, causing her to gag. “Without my ears, how can I ever hear any of your wonderful complaints again? Truly, you were a worthy foe!”
Having had enough of him, she took a deep breath and spoke, teeth clenched in an obvious attempt not to scream, “Discord, do you know what you did wrong this time?”
“I can’t hear you! You destroyed my ears, remember?” He yelled as if his professed deafness was reality, not bothering to hide his cheek-to-cheek grin. A card appeared between his claws with a puff of cheese-scented smoke. "Contact me whenever it says to, my ears should be healed by then.” He tossed her the card, which she caught in her magic. It only took a second of looking over the card for her anger to flare up to greater heights; on the card a miniature version of Discord danced with a cane, and directly below that the card read, “Don’t contact me. Hugs and kisses!”. The animated Discord blew her a kiss and winked. The card ignited with white-hot flames in her anger, turning to ashes almost instantly.
Twilight lowered her head as waves of energy rippled off her horn, and she accelerated with a burst of magic and feathers to speeds comparable to that of an artillery shell; right in Discord’s direction. His eyes widened a fraction, but he was able to snap his talons and teleport behind her in time. “Sheesh Twilight, no need to get your tail in a twist. You know I’m only joking!”
She halted in midair with a burst of magic. “Only a joke!? A joke?!?” She screamed, her patience dwindling. “You call ruining all the books in the library a joke?!?!”
“I did not!” He protested, secretly a bit impressed by the immense magical aura crackling around the angry demi-goddess. “I just rearranged the letters to make them more entertaining!”
A thick tendril of magic snapped loose from Twilight’s control, which just missed Discord’s head as it sliced through the air, and connected with the wall behind him with a bang. “Rearranging he calls it! Ridiculous! All the books now showcase embarrassing moments of Celestia’s life! Every single chapter in each book, without fail, highlights a different ‘embarrassing moment’! The books don’t have a filter at all! After going through the books looking for an unaffected one, I even found one detailing her first sexual acts! What is wrong with you!?” She finished with a look of disgust.
“The spell was purely automatic. I had no true control over what was written,” he calmly defended himself while filing his talons.
“I don’t care what you meant for it to do, the fact is that you are out of control! Argh!” She said through clenched teeth, her magic crackling through her bristled feathers. “I turned the other cheek when you changed the walls of my castle into rock candy.” She landed on the ground and flared her wings. “I defended you to the mayor when you transformed town hall into a bouncy house.” Discord backed up as she got right into his face. “But this? Invading Celestia’s private life and showcasing it to anypony who bothered to check out a book? I wasn’t in the castle’s library for the entire day, busy as I was, so I didn’t even know you did this until five minutes ago! Anyone could have checked out a book! Celestia is stressed enough as it is, she doesn’t need the press getting a hold of literal book loads of embarrassing moments!”
He didn’t even bother holding back a smirk as he leaned forward in a lawn chair. “Oh? Do tell me all about these ‘embarrassing moments’.”
“Don’t avoid the subject! You know how invasive it was, so why did you even do it?” She asked with a stern expression.
He leaned back in his chair, pretending to ponder the question as he smoked a bubble pipe. He grabbed the pipe after a few puffs and flicked it away with a smirk. “Because you’re hilarious! Do you realize how entertaining your reactions are? You can’t put a price on that! Besides, it’s good to stre-” He twisted his torso around a few times, producing multiple sickening cracks “-etch out my magic every so often considering how much you and Celestia limit me. I need my chaos, and little pranks just isn’t doing it anymore!
She scoffed. “Oh boo-hoo, you can’t practice your crazy magic as much as you would like. So what?
He vanished the chair with a snap. “So what? So what?! Do you have any idea who I am?” He made a pose as a burst of confetti appeared alongside fanfare. “I’m the Spirit of Chaos! The title is not just for show, I assure you. I need chaos! I assumed you of all ponies would understand, considering you are the Princess of Friendship. Friendship is magic, is it not?” Twilight continued to glare at him. He sighed in an exaggerated manner. “Fine! I’ll stop doing things you consider ‘too much’. ”
That caused her to pause. “Wait, really?”
He beamed. “Of course!” He then chuckled, his eyes gaining a dangerous glint to them. “On one condition; I get to prank you-” Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but a bridle flashed into existence around her head, obstructing her vocalizations. “Ah-ah-ah, let me finish.” She just glared. “I get to prank you anytime, anywhere, and anyway I wish, minus ways that inflect obvious harm of course.”
Twilight thought the offer was too good to be true, which meant it most likely was. The bridle vanished with a snap of Discord’s fingers, allowing Twilight to speak, “What’s the catch?”
He placed his paw over his heart as if affronted. “Catch? Why would there be a catch? I’m reformed, remember?” He batted his eyelashes, to which she just raised an eyebrow. “I’m serious! Just one prank that will not affect anyone in this entire world but you, and then bam! No more ‘insensitive’ pranks unless explicitly allowed!”
She knew she was going to regret this later, but she nonetheless agreed, “Fine.”
“Wonderful!” With a grin, he snapped his talons together. “I say the prank begins… now.” The metallic droning of a billion souls wailed throughout the castle as a rip in time and space opened between them. Twilight’s heart raced with existential dread as she started into the Abyss, and the- “Oops, wrong universe! My bad!” The portal closed with a whimper. “That was close, I think the Abyss was about to stare back! Can’t have that, can we?” Twilight was too shaken to even respond, her legs barely holding her up as she stared at Discord with wide eyes.
He coughed. “Right, well, let’s try again.”
He snapped, but this time sunlight shined through the new rip in reality, and Twilight had to look away until her eyes adjusted. She swore she heard birds chirping. Upon opening her eyes she saw a perfectly normal day through the portal. The afternoon sun shined down on the open field, birds flew across the sky, and the grass was a light brown. Utterly baffled at how this could be a prank, Twilight asked, “Discord, what is this?”
He chuckled deeply. “That is for you to find out, my lovable little flying unicorn. Off you go!”
She yelped as he shoved her right into the rift with his tail. He donned dive gear, and with a quick “Tallyho!” he jumped in after her, to which the portal closed behind both of them with a wet plop.
