"Did you hear? Theres a rumor being spread around that The Sorcerer was spotted towards the East"
"Did you hear? There's a rumor being spread around that The Sorcerer was spotted towards the East."
You're forgetting your punctuation.
'Bullshit' I thought unamused as I walked past two gossiping mothers, my brow creasing in distaste to what I had just heard 'The Sorcerer... it would be impossible for him to be noticed.'
'Bullshit,' I thought, unamused, as I walked past two gossiping mothers. My brow creased in distaste to what I had just heard. 'The Sorcerer... it would be impossible for him to be noticed.
Again, punctuation. This paragraph is just... clumped, particularly at the part where the main character is 'unamused'. One sentence making a whole paragraph is too cluttered. Try reading that out loud. If you run out of breath, you're probably not doing it right. It becomes confusing when you put too many ideas into one sentence.
My name is Naoto Mordio, of age 15 and a familiar face around Kakariko Village, the community I reside in is fairly close-knit but everyone respects eachothers privacy. Although that doesn't stop the petty gossip of housewives whose only jobs are to care for the men once they return from farming and other labor induced jobs.
My name is Natio Mordio. I'm fifteen years of age and I'm a familiar face around Kakariko Village, the community I reside in. It's fairly close-knit but everyone respects eachothers privacy. Although, that doesn't stop the pretty gossip of housewives, whose only jobs are to care for the men once they return from farming and other labor induced jobs.
Try not to drag on the sentence. When writing, also refrain from using numbers. Eg. The girl has 2 eyes. Don't do that. Write 'the girl has two eyes' instead. 'Of age 15' also sounds weird, so be careful how you word things. Two topics in one sentence is a little too confusing. Know when to use hyphens and make sure you understand words before using them. For 'eachothers', I'm not sure that's the proper use of the word, but I couldn't find any sound proof. You're lucky.
My light blue eyes apparently shone with intelligence... dark brown hair reaching to the middle of my neck with some small dark blonde strands covering the left side of my face. A plain black t-shirt hangs loosely on my shoulders, and grey shorts wtapped around my waist. Additionally I have a dark purple belt tightly tied around my stomach which serves no real purpose, but I dare say I am fashionabluhhh.
Okay, I give up on rewriting this. Too hard and I'm too lazy. Anyway, this method of describing the main character is boring and overused, much like how many characters are described when they are looking at themselves through a mirror. It takes away from the story. I understand it's hard, but there's always another way.
'My blue eyes apparently shone with intelligence': this statement makes no sense and doesn't really add to the story at all. And, not only that, but what's with the apparently? Does the character not know if he's intelligent or not? If a character has told him he's intelligent, then make sure you're actually conveying that into the story instead of saying 'apparently'. That's noob stuff.
Please don't use words like additionally. It makes it sound like you're writing a recount or something. And, oh god, the typos. Try not to say every single detail about the characters either because, to be frank, nobody will really remember what they look like, not even you. Then there's also the fact that it's really up to the reader's imagination... also, 'fashionabluh' is funny and all, but in an actual story, it's very distracting.
Don't let the name Kakariko Village fool you by the way. I don't live in the infamous village from The Legend Of Zelda video game series. No... I live else-where I just can't be certain. I have an idea but- well you get the point.
You must be wondering how I know of The Legend Of Zelda... or that its a franchise, well I honestly have no idea either... I remember I'm older than 14, well should be anyway.
But none of that really matters.
At age 8, I wandered into the village located just inside the borders of the Land of Fire on my lonesome and I was accepted into the village immedietly as an orphan. I currently live alone in a small hut built with some of the older villagers and while I'm a well-known and liked face around the village I prefer to keep to myself.
But little did the villagers know they accepted The Sorcerer into there home.
The Sorcerer, if your wondering is a mysterious figure that had showed up out of no-where and disappeared just as quick. The only reason people are so interested in him is because no-one can find or has info on him... people only know that he can create near anything out of his mind...
Not entirely true.
I was just really good at Fuinjutsu and chalra control... but at this point it may as well be called chakra manipulation.
Essentially I can use chakra to create anything that I desire, and with the use of fuinjutsu I can use a technique called Imbuement alongside the creation of traps and support abilities.
