Rainbow Dash's Sordid Desires
Okay, it’s showtime.
Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath. The stakes had never been higher.
Just relax. No need to be nervous. Remember your training.
She adjusted her eye protection, and then she double-checked to make sure she was wearing all her gear. She was.
Now or never, Dash. Let’s do it.
Rainbow Dash moved her hoof forward and plunged into the deep.
The bell rang, and inside, the shop looked relatively empty. The only sound other than the ringing was some easy-listening muzak.
Dash breathed a heavy sigh again.
Okay, Dash. No need to be worried. You’re just buying a magazine.
Briskly, she took her steps toward the counter, knowing where the magazine shelves were. She made it a point to memorize the location of the specific magazines so that she could spend as little time inside the shop as possible.
Soon, she spotted her target, and darted right toward it. She lifted the magazine and gulped at the sight of it.
Oh jeez, this is so wrong... but if Spitfire’s in this...
“Can I help you?” the sales clerk politely asked.
Rainbow Dash looked up, adjusted her sunglasses, and cleared her throat. “Um, yes,” she replied in a gruff voice. She slid the magazine onto the counter before wiping the sweat off her brow. Leaning closer to the clerk, she whispered “Can I get this in a brown paper bag?”
“Rainbow Dash?” a familiar country accent rang.
On instinct, Dash jumped back a foot and looked around frantically before seeing Applejack to her left with some bottles of soda and a quizzical look.
“Uh, Applejack–” Rainbow Dash responded at first in her gruff voice before switching gears back to normal. “I, um, didn’t realize you came here?”
“To the Stop ‘n Shop?” Applejack asked, confused.
Rainbow Dash grinned, rubbing the back of her neck. “Uh, YEAH, exactly. What brings you here of all places?”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Well, uh, Apple Bloom and the girls are gonna go see Babs in Manehattan today, and we decided to stop here fer some provisions.”
Dash nodded rapidly. “Cool, cool. So, you’re telling the girls are–”
“Hey, Rainbow Dash. Why’re ya dressed up in a trench coat ‘n fedora?”
Rainbow Dash turned around and removed her sunglasses and saw Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo, all of whom were holding snacks, staring up at her.
“Apple Bloom, how did you and Applejack even know it was me? I was wearing sunglasses.”
“Rainbow Dash,” Scootaloo said. “You’re the only pony any of us know who would wear sunglasses indoors.”
Dash frowned. “Well, it’s nice to know what you really think of me, Scootaloo.”
“What are you talking about? I think it looks AWESOME!”
“It looks dang foolish,” Applejack retorted. “Same with the rest of her clothes.”
“Yeah, Rainbow Dash,” Sweetie Belle, said. “What’s the deal with that? Are you sick?”
“Why would she wear a trench coat and fedora if she’s sick?” Apple Bloom asked?
Sweetie Belle shrugged. “Maybe she’s getting chills. Are you getting chills, Rainbow Dash?”
“Alright, that’s enough interrogatin’,” Applejack said. “Y’all got what ya want?”
“Yes,” the girls said in unison.
“Well, let’s get a move on then. Bring’em up here.”
“Hey, hold on,” the clerk said. “You still want this magazine?” he asked Rainbow Dash.
Dash gulped. “Uh, you know what? Maybe not. You girls have fun with Babs. I’ll see you later, AJ,” she said, tipping her fedora to Applejack while making her way to the door.
“Now, hold on a minute,” Applejack said, stopping Dash in her tracks. “Why don’t ya want yer magazine?”
“Uh, well, uh, you see,” Dash stammered, eyes darting between Applejack, the girls, and the counter. “I thought I wanted it, but now, upon reconsideration, it’s not really something a pony like myself should be reading.”
Applejack raised her eyebrow again. “What exactly is in that magazine, Dash?”
Dash gulped. “Uh, maybe it wouldn’t be best to say in front of the children, Applejack.”
Applejack blushed, looking away from Dash. “Oh, uh, okay then, I’ll just let ya come back later fer it then.”
Dash nodded. “Cool, then I’ll just–”
“Hey,” the clerk interjected. “What’s so bad about Better Cloud Homes and Gardens?”
Dash and Scootaloo audibly gasped while the others stood there confused, with Dash eventually pointing to the clerk.
“How could you?! You sellout! Traitor!”
“Lemme see that,” Applejack said, signalling the clerk to hand her the magazine. Upon inspection, it was indeed the latest issue of Better Cloud Homes and Gardens. Dash buried her face in her hooves.
“How could you, Rainbow Dash?” Scootaloo asked with utter pain in her voice.
“Don’t look at me,” Dash said. “I’m so ashamed.”
“Wait, I don’t know what the big deal is,” Sweetie Belle said. “Rarity reads that magazine for decorating tips, and she’s not even a pegasus.”
“Well, Rarity isn’t cool, now is she, Sweetie Belle?” Rainbow Dash sniped back before lowering her head once more. “And neither am I.”
“Dash, what the hay are you on about?” Applejack asked, unamused.
“I’m not supposed to even look at magazines like that, Applejack. They’re totally lame! But I couldn’t resist this one. There’s an exclusive interview with Spitfire. Spitfire! And apparently, it’s got pictures of her house inside! It was just gnawing at me day in, and day out, before eventually, I had to buy it.” Eventually, Dash dropped to her knees. “I have a problem.”
By this point, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were snickering while Scootaloo continued looking dejected and betrayed. Applejack rolled her eyes and looked to the store clerk. “How much fer the magazine?”
“Three bits.”
Applejack pulled the bits out of her sack and tossed them on the counter. Rainbow Dash could hear the sound of paper ripping before looking up to see Applejack with pieces of paper.
“Here,” she said, presenting pages of the magazine ripped out. “I’ve got all of the Spitfire parts right here. The rest doesn’t haveta weigh on your soul. There’s an ad for perfume on the last page, but you’ll have to live with that.”
Rainbow Dash looked back and forth between Applejack and the pages before snatching up the pages, confirming that it was indeed the Spitfire interview.
Overcome with joy, Rainbow Dash hugged Applejack’s legs and whispered, “Thank you.”
“Whatever,” Applejack said, annoyed. Breaking away, she turned to the fillies. “C’mon, girls, round up yer stuff and let’s get outta here, we don’t wanna miss our train.” As Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom followed Applejack to the counter, Scootaloo tepidly walked up to Rainbow Dash.
“S-so since you didn’t actually buy the magazine, that still makes you totally cool, right?”
Dash thought about this for a minute and beamed. “Darn straight it does. Excellent observation, Scootaloo!”
“So my big sister isn’t lame?”
Dash stood tall and proud. “You’re asking if Rainbow Dash is lame? I’d say you’re having a crisis of faith, squirt.”
Scootaloo’s eyes bugged out as she shook her head. “N-n-NO! Not me, Rainbow Dash! I’d never think you’re lame.”
Dash nodded. “Good.” She reached down and tousled Scootaloo’s mane. “This, uh... was a test, in fact. To prove to me you still thought I was totally cool and not lame.”
“And I passed?” she asked, hopeful.
Dash grinned. “With flying colors.”
Scootaloo breathed a sigh of relief. “I was so worried there for a second.”
“Scootaloo, git yer butt movin’!” Apple Bloom yelled over from the counter.
“Oh, I should get going Rainbow Dash,” Scootaloo said, running over to rejoin her friends. “Thanks for testing my faith.”
“Anytime, squirt,” Rainbow Dash said with pride. “Just remember: the path to being awesome and cool is a narrow one, and only few find it. You just gotta remember to never stray.”
As the four were leaving the store, Scootaloo looked to her mentor and said “I’ll never forget this lesson, Rainbow Dash.”
Dash nodded. “Go in peace, squirt. Stay cool.”
The bell rang as the door closed behind Dash’s friends, leaving her and the clerk alone. Looking down at the pages of the magazine, she couldn’t wait to read through this interview and look at Spitfire’s house a couple dozen times.
But before that, she realized, she really needed to pee.
“Uh, hey,” Dash said, turning to the clerk. “Can I use your bathroom?”
“Paying customers only, toots.”
Author's Note
This was a silly little thing.
