Step 1: Obtain Fluffy Ponies
Tales Of A 1st Time Fluffy Pony Owner
By: StupidCedric
Todays the day you finally decide to go and buy yourself some fluffy ponies
You have absolutely no idea how to raise them, but you guess you can learn along the way
Heading into the Fluffy Pony Adoption Clinic, the stench of feces and death overwhelms you
You’re so confused and quite upset about what you’re seeing
You head over to the man at the adoption counter to give him a piece of your mind
”What the hell’s going on in here?! Isn’t this huge case of animal cruelty?”
“This has to be against the law!” you practically yell at the clerk
The man behind the counter in a cold, non-caring voice tells you "First of all, these are FLUFFY ponies were talking about. The government, much less the people, care about these things. There worse than rats or pigeons. Usually the only people who adopt these things kill them anyways, and it makes them stay away from more expensive animals, like dogs and cats.
Besides, These things aren’t even worth saving. If they aren’t adopted within a few days, they die from their own natural stupidity. They either kill each other without even realizing it or drown in the food and water we give them.
You’re almost shocked by what you’ve just heard, but it does make sense in a way
Despite what you heard, you move on to the room where the fluffy ponies
As you enter the door well to the room where the fluffy ponies are held, that stench of shit and death you smelt when you walked in triples
It’s so bad you pull out your handy bandana and you cover your face
Walking down the hall, a yellow Pegasus pops its head through the bars of its cage
"NEW FWEND!" It cries out to you as you continue walking down the hall
Realizing that it isn’t and never will be wanted, it comes back to reality.
It finally takes notice that its head is stuck.
As it tries desperately to free itself, it breaks its own neck with an almost comical "pop"
After hearing that, you decide to head back to the cage with that yellow Pegasus in it
All the other fluffy ponies in the cage gather around the limp Pegasus, and a cry of "Hugiez make teh boo-boo's go 'way" and other words of support drowns out the screams of the Pegasus
The fact that it’s still alive is amazing to you
One of the Pegasus’s eyes becomes dislodged from its head, swinging around its head before becoming wrapped around one of the bars.
Some Earth fluffy pony has the great idea to try and pull the fluffy from the bars
It works, but in the process, the Pegasus’s eye is ripped out of its head.
Just from looking at it, the fluffy Pegasus is now brain-dead, has several broken ribs, a massive amount of internal bleeding, and of course, half blind.
For the next few minutes, it would occasionally twitch before stopping for good
In a day’s time, all of its "fwends" will have forgotten about it and everything that just happened.
You decide after watching this spectacle that this actually might not have been such a bad idea after all
This starts some gears working in your head on what you could do with a few of them
The perfect idea pops into your head, and you can’t help but stop yourself from smiling
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After watching that “incident” with the yellow fluffy Pegasus, you decide to buy yourself a blue female fluffy unicorn and a green male fluffy earth pony.
Walking to the clerk to buy these two, there doing that annoying rant about their “new fwiend” and about their “bwig adwendtur” outside
You’re going to have to figure out a way to make them shut up until talked to
A few dollars later, you’re now the proud owner of those 2 fluffy ponies.
Good thing you brought a dog carrier with you, just so you don’t have those fluffies crawling all over you while you drive.
The clerk can tell you have something planned for those two, and makes out a faint smile.
When you reach your car, you throw them into the dog carrier in the back seat.
Once you get home, you got to do some research on how to keep these two alive before you perform your project.
On the ride home, you hear some rustling and the occasional "fwuffy wike new fwend!" or “fwuffy wike special huggies!” coming from the back seat, but you brush it off as those two getting acquainted with each other.
Now your main goal is trying not to kill yourself with all the traffic and construction around your house.
Finally, you make it home.
Heading to the back seat to retrieve your fluffy ponies do you realize what all the rustling was
That damn fluffy earth pony knocked up your fluffy unicorn!
Marshmallows everywhere inside the carrier.
Not even owning them for 10 minutes and you're already pissed off.
You’re going to teach that fluffy a lesson that it will never forget
You grab the fluffy earth pony by its tail, and hoist him to about eye level.
It spins around with a loud "OUCHIEZ!" and it bites your nose!
Not that it hurts, as its strongest bite is about as strong as someone trying to playfully bite your ear, but the fact that it attacked you is downright unacceptable.
You open up your garage and find the closest thing you can find to show him not to fuck up again. Ever
This should do perfectly. Your old aluminum baseball bat from your college days.
You ask him "Do you know what you did so wrong, that I had to bring out the Sorry Stick?"
"NEW FWIEND EZ A BIG MEENIE!" he cries out
Wrong answer
You take him to the backyard to give him a 1st hard demonstration of what could happen if something else happens
You throw him up into the air. You wind up, and smash the earth pony into the side of the fence. A trail of blood follows it through the air and as it slides down the fence.
This scene kind of reminds you of what you saw at the Fluffy Pony Adoption Clinic earlier today, though not even close to what actually happened.
Like earlier, nearly all the bones in its body are broken, and it’s definitely bleeding internally. You'll put him back to him later
As you pick it up with the knob of your bat, you ask it a final question, "Will you make the same mistakes again?”. It actually manages to move its head and you can make out a "No” in a very soft voice
That’s what you thought
You set what bones you can in its little body and fix what else you can fix.
All those years being a medic in Iraq really pays off.
Besides, it reminds you of building model planes and ships when you were young.
The fluffy female Pegasus has nearly forgotten about the fluffy green earth pony, but still asks where her "new friend" was. You tell it that he went for a “vacation” and will be back soon.
The only upside to this is now you don’t have to go and buy new fluffy ponies when these 2 are eventually killed
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In a few days time, the fluffy green earth pony has made nearly a full recovery, but is now deathly afraid of you, knowing the consequences for its actions. The fluffy Pegasus is now growing immensely, as its pregnancy moves along at an incredible rate, like all fluffy ponies. You decide to set out a basket for her to give birth in
Two weeks later, the fluffy Pegasus gave birth to 4 foals in the night: 2 Pegasus, a unicorn, and an earth pony.
You discover this by stepping on the baby earth pony as you walk into your living room
She must have been walking around before she realized she was giving birth and headed to her basket.
It squished with a couple bones breaking, but as it’s only a couple of hours old, most of its bones haven’t gotten a chance to harden, so it’s just like a puffball with some moist toothpicks for bones.
”What a fan-fucking-tastic way to start the morning” you mutter to yourself
A creative and quite sinister idea pops into your mind
”Well” you think, “At least I have something fresh for breakfast today”.
Good thing momma Pegasus didn’t wake up. You’re not in the mood to deal with shit today
You decide to shave the corpse with your razor, and skin it. Just as easy as a rabbit. Its internal organs fall out nicely in a pile on the counter, just like a fish. It takes characteristics of so many other types of game, you hope it tastes like chicken
And it does. After frying it in a skillet, you take a bite. Tastes very similar to chicken, just a bit more gamey and not nearly as filling.
Oh well, it went good with scrambled eggs and toast, so your happy
After your breakfast, you return to your fluffy Pegasus and her new foals
Momma Pegasus completely forgot she gave birth to 4 fluffies, and is now tending to the other 3.
You can’t help but daww at how cute they are. Too bad only 1 or 2 of them will reach maturity
You attempt to pick up one of the unicorn foals, but the little fucker bites you!
So they take after their father don’t they
Now that you think about it, you haven’t seen your original earth pony in a couple of days
Oh well
You decide punish the foal AND the mother to show her that she needs to be doing a better job of raising her remaining 2 foals.
You pick up Momma Pegasus and tell her that she's been a real bad mommy
You also pick up the offending foal, the orange unicorn, and take it to the "Sorry Box"
The mothers screaming random things like "WHY U TAEKIN MAH BEBEZ?! I SOWWY! BEBEZ SOWWY!
Now’s your chance to make her into a good mother and to teach her to love her 2 remaining foals with all her heart.
That will work to your advantage later
You announce to the foals that this is what happens to bad fluffies
You open the microwave door and throw the fluffy unicorn inside, turning on the microwave light so that they all may see
While closing the door, it starts to babble as normal foals do, but soon those babbles will turn to screams
You set it to “high power” and hit the “popcorn” button
After about 20 seconds, its fur burst into flames. Good thing you didn’t buy the fire resistant ones. That would have been a pain to clean up as their fur melts into puddles.
It starts bawling, but as soon the tears form, they boil and scald it, bringing even more pain
After boiling its tears away, its eyes melt out of its skull
It tries to scoop its eyes back together and put them back into the sockets, but to no avail
It's essentially dead, but such a fast death wouldn’t teach the others a lesson, so you turn it down to “low power”
By now, it’s screaming something that sounds similar to: "WAWZ HUWT FWUFFY! FWUFFY NO WIKE! HEWP FWUFFY!"
Moments later, it starts to bloat up and eventually explodes, splattering its guts inside the microwave.
Momma Pegasus is bawling so hard, yet the Pegasus foals are too young to understand what just happened to their sister.
You pick Momma Pegasus up by her little wings and make eye contact with her
In a low voice, you tell her “If I ever have one of your foals act up again, YOU’RE the one going in the Sorry Box, not them.”
She slowly raises her head, whose face is soaked with tears, acknowledges you and your demands.
You put her on the ground where she flutters up to her foals who are babbling about wanting to “pway” and brings them back to their basket, where you can tell she’s trying to make them behave better.
You check your watch. 9:30. Shit. You’ve got to get to work. You leave out some cereal in a bowl for them to eat while you’re gone. What could possibly go wrong with cereal?
