Kill Phil

by TheAshenKnight

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Princess Celestia, Thriller, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Philomena, Comedy
Length: 3297

Pinkie Pie is secretly a hitmare, contracted to kill Philomena. Y'know, the immortal phoenix.

Pinkamena Diane Pie (to her friends, Pinkie Pie) has a secret. By day, she's a fun-loving party pony, but by night (Well, also during the day. She's not picky), she's a hitmare, working for the sectors of the government the classified sectors of the government say don't exist. As the best assassin in the agency, she's the one they turn to when presented with an impossible task.

OBJECTIVE: Kill the unkillable.

Assassinate Philomena, Celestia's pet phoenix.

Written as an entry for the F*** This Prompt 10 Contest.

Fun fact: I've never seen Kill Bill. Good thing this isn't a crossover.

Thanks to a friend for helping me work out just how to go about doing this. Hopefully it turned out well. If it did, please hit that like button! (Alternatively, if it didn't, I can't stop you from pressing the other button. We don't talk about the other button.)

Published 2016-03-12 23:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2016-03-12 23:30:01 UTC

Kill Phil

Sugarcube Corner was home to many strange things. Their lemon meringue pie, for instance, had a peculiar hint of cinnamon in it. At first it was assumed it was called for in the recipe, but after a particularly curious customer asked about it, it was found cinnamon was never mentioned, so this particular oddity served to puzzle the inhabitants of Ponyville for years, though it never affected the pie sales. Additionally, the fan in the parlour clearly was meant to have four blades, yet only had two. Where the other two had disappeared to were a mystery, though it was rumoured Pinkie Pie had used them in the construction of a ‘Party Cannon Mk. II.’

In reality, while the fan blades were indeed removed by Pinkie Pie, they weren’t used in anything relating to parties. Parties for the Living, that is. Or parties for the Dead, for that matter. They were more related to Anonymous Third Parties, which are much less fun than your typical surprise party, but no less shocking when you turn on the lights in a dark room.

The fan blades were instead being used to cover a small hole in the wall of Pinkie’s Party Cave, as a tarp or cabinet would have been far too conspicuous. Behind this hole was a much larger room containing a single vault door. Behind this door was another slightly larger and more impressive vault door, with a retinal scanner for good measure. Beyond that was something a select few ponies in Equestria knew of.

Pinkamena Diane Pie’s (Code Name: Strange Brew) Assassination Cave

In it, seated before a plethora of terminals, was the hitmare herself, staring intently at a letter.

Dear Strange Brew,

We have intel on a new target, hired from a third party again. We’ll contact you at 2200 hours on the fifth with mission objectives and details.
{REDACTED}

Pinkie twitched in her seat as she looked at the clock again. 10:22

“Geez, what’s takin’ ‘em so long?”

As if waiting for a convenient cue, the terminals all flickered on at once, and played a cheerful jingle that lightened the mood quite nicely.

On them, a very grumpy stallion was still straightening his tie when Pinkie perked up. “Finally! I was soooo boooored. You’re late.”

He frowned. An impressive feat, considering he was already grimacing. “Yeah, yeah, I know. There’s been a bit of a ‘hiccup’ in the works.”

“Ohhhh. You should drink some water then.”

“... what?” Pinkie opened her mouth to reply, but he waved an annoyed hoof in the air. “Nevermind. We have more pressing matters to attend to.”

He pulled a manilla folder from the middle of the table toward him. “The hiccup happened to be about this assignment, and whether or not we should give it to you. It’s a bit, um, different.”

Pinkie raised an eyebrow. “Is this like that dragon a while ago? Y’know, I don’t always have to kill stuff.”

The stallion shifted in his seat. “No, this is…” He waved a hoof in the air, grasping for a word that expressed his frustration, as well as to express that ‘no, this was not, in fact, like that dragon.’

Unfortunately, having hooves doesn’t often lend itself to grasping things, so he was left waving his hoof in the air like a madman for a few awkward seconds. “... shit. It’s not good.”

He pulled a few papers out from the folder and sighed. “Look, you’ve been given some weird shit before. This is weirder shit. Like, rainbow-coloured shit. With sprinkles.”

“Ooh, that gives me an idea for some cupcakes.”

The stallion closed his eyes. “Please stay focused, Strange Brew.”

Pinkie grinned sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“... as I was saying, this is weird. How familiar are you with Princess Celestia?”

She gave an overdramatic gasp. “Wait, I have to kill Princess Celestia? No way José!”

“Focus!” Pinkie froze, and sat back in her seat. “No, you don’t have to kill the Princess. You indirectly work for her, you know. And José had nothing to do with it, so don’t go blaming him. My question was how familiar you were with her.”

She scrunched her face in concentration. “Uh, I dunno. I’d say I knew her pretty well. Not as well as Twilight.”

“Who?”

“Um, nevermind.”

The stallion raised his eyebrow, but continued. “Have you ever heard of her pet phoenix, Philomena?”

“Oh, sure! She was with her when… Yeah, I know about her.”

He swallowed. “Strange Brew, your target is Philomena, the phoenix.”

Pinkie blinked. “... So? That’s the big deal?”

He gaped. “How, uh, how familiar are you with phoenixes?”

She scratched her chin with a hoof. “Well, they’re birds. And hot.”

“... and immortal.”

“Oh.” She blinked again. “Wait, so, why am I supposed to kill her?”

“I don’t know. Something about state secrets or some shit you probably don’t give a damn about. That really doesn’t matter. What matters is you were hired to kill something immortal. Any ideas?”

“Nope, but I’ll think of something. ‘Impossible’ is my middle name,” she stated confidently, then paused. “Well, not actually, but they share two letters.”

The stallion relaxed slightly. “Good… Just be careful. The higherups that sent the order remained anonymous, so Princess Celestia might not know, and I don’t think she’d take too kindly to someone trying to kill her pet, even if it’s trading state secrets.”

Before Pinkie could say another word, the terminals shut off.

~~~

Mission Day 1: 1300 Hours

A fluffy pink tail poked out from one of the many hedges lining the inner courtyard of Canterlot Castle. Pinkie had waltzed into the castle (Madame LeFlour was happy to oblige), but in retrospect, that was a mistake. When the immortal bird finally died, there was bound to be a very angry Princess, and many unpleasant interrogations.

Which is why Pinkie left the castle and snuck back in instead.

Now she was hiding in a bush.

Step One: Complete. Step Two: Find Philomena.

At that moment, an angry squawk came echoed from one of the open archways leading to the courtyard, followed by the proverbial thundering of hooves.

“Return at once, you dratted bird!” The voice also proverbially thundered, but moreso than the hoofsteps.

Convenient. Step Two: Complete.

Seconds later, a ball of flame burst from the passage, closely followed by Princess Luna.

“If you do not return this instant I will pluck your feathers one by one! Slowly!”

The phoenix seemed to have no inclination to either return or have its feathers plucked, and instead flew right past the inconspicuous Pink-Tailed Bush (a rare but intelligent creature) into the courtyard to fly a few loops in the air. It cawed happily as Luna chased it around with an oversized bug net, yelling what Pinkie assumed to be very vulgar Old-Equestrian swears.

Philomena turned once more, then sped back down the same passage from whence it came. Luna followed, only to get a hoof tangled in the pink ball of fluff, and tumbled to the ground.

She froze in shock for a moment, then saw Pinkie’s eyes looking back at her through the leaves.

“What trickery is this, Sister?”

Oopsie. Time for plan two.

“Oh, hi Luna!” exclaimed Pinkie, happily leaping from the bush into Luna’s face. “What’cha doin’?”

“Pinkamena Pie?” she asked, cocking her head. “I did not know you were visiting today. Why were you hiding in a hedge?”

“Oh, you know, just smelling the flowers. They’re great!”

Luna leaned to look at the glorified shrub. “I... see no flowers. Are you feeling well?”

“Super duper!” Luna raised an eyebrow, but gave no reply. “Are you? You seemed sorta mad. Kinda.”

Luna snorted. “‘Kind of’ indeed. That blasted bird has taken the notion to have free reign of the castle while Celestia is away. I cannot and will not allow it to burn our home to the ground with its shennanigans.”

Celestia’s gone? That makes this easier. “Oh. Well, sorry to bother ya. I’m gonna keep smelling the flowers. Great garden, by the way. Let me know if you need me! Y’know, like, to ki⏤er, catch that phoenix! Uh, bird!”

“... Quite.” Luna got up, straightened herself, and began to walk down the corridor where Philomena was last seen. Then she paused, and gave a look back to Pinkie Pie. “Actually, would you be willing to assist me in this venture?”

“Huh?” asked Pinkie, poking her head out of the hedge again.

“I have heard of your, um, prowess, and believe you could be useful. I have other duties I must attend to, and an assistant would be greatly beneficial. Would you be willing to track down that bird and bring it to justice in my stead? You would be compensated, of course.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself. “No prob! What do I gotta do?”

Luna smiled. “Simply capture the bird and return it to its cage in Celestia’s quarters. I assume you know where they are located?

“Yep!”

“Excellent! I will be in the throne room should you need anything, but I trust you will not. My thanks to you, Pinkamena Pie!” With that, she sped off in a direction Pinkie was fairly certain did not lead to the throne room.

Perfect! Now, um, where did Philomena go?

~~~

[code]Mission Day 1: 1615 Hours

This bird is a party-pooper.

Pinkie had been wandering throughout the castle with Luna’s conveniently discarded bug net for hours, and had yet to find Philomena. There were traces, of course. Tapestries with seared edges, scorch marks on the wall, and, the most telltale sign of all, hot firey poops.

And still not a single phoenix. Ugh.

“Ugh,” said Pinkie Pie. Initially it had been the idea of trying to determine exactly how to kill something that was immortal that had weighed on her mind. Now it was just finding that bird.

Ooh, that could be a foal’s book. Where in the Castle is That Stupid Fire Bird?

… maybe it needs a bit of work.

Pinkie had long stopped worrying about the guards. Princess Luna herself had granted her permission to wander the castle grounds willy-nilly. At first, they seemed a bit uptight at her approach, but after the umpteenth loop of the castle, all she was getting was a bored acknowledgement. She thought of doing something silly to lighten their days, but she had a mission to do. Plus, she wasn’t really in the mood after a few close enounters between her hoof and the firey poops.

Rounding another corner, she found yet more evidence of Philomena, but still no sign of the bird itself. Given how recently the trail had been laid, it was clear the phoenix was still in the building, but it always seemed to be a few flaps ahead of Pinkie.

And that’s when she realised she had another problem.

So, even if I catch this thing, how do I kill it?

She thought about that for a moment. And then a few more moments. And then a few more (a great thinker she was not).

Princess Luna had told her to catch Philomena, and put her back in her cage in Celestia’s room. If she could reasonably make her death appear as a mistake, she’d get off scott-free. Or Pinkie-free, as it were. Unfortunately, that also meant she’d need an idea of how to kill her in the first place, but this was somewhere to start.

Okay, so somewhere between me catching her and Celestia coming back to see her in her cage she’d have to die.

Pinkie’s first instinct was to look around for heavy objects. An anvil might work, but somehow she doubted Princess Celestia would believe she ‘accidentally’ dropped an anvil on the head of her bird. Instead, she’d need something equally as heavy and far less ACME.

The tapestries wouldn’t work; they’d just burn up (but jeez, were they heavy!). A chandelier might, but that’d be conspicuous. Additionally, it’d be unlikely for a chandelier to land in such a way as to both kill the bird and destroy the ashes.

Pinkie looked around at the hall around her. Smooth walls, torches, windows…

A fire extinguisher. Bingo.

So, how was a fire extinguisher supposed to fall with such force to both kill a phoenix and explode, dousing its ashes with goop?

... eh, I’ll worry about it later. Master assassin at work!

Now, about Philomena…

As if on cue, the Tartarus-spawn itself came swooping from its hiding spot directly in front of a stained-glass window. Clever.

It squawked at Pinkie as it passed, taunting her to follow, then flew off down the corridor.

“It. Is. On.”

Pinkie chased after it, waving her bug net wildly in the air like an angry grandmother yelling at those damn kids.

She was faster than Luna, but not so fast that she could catch Philomena by sheer speed alone. No, she needed something more: Wit. Somehow, she had to outsmart that bird, which seemed to have the ability to outsmart everything thrown at it.

Solution: Launch things at it instead of throwing them. Like an oversized bug net from a party cannon.

Just as Philomena was about to round a corner, the net neatly eveloped her and sent her flying against the wall with a dull thud.

Had Pinkie been there simply to capture Philomena, she would’ve been jumping for joy, but she still had the most crucial part of her mission ahead of her.

Step Three: Kill Philomena.

~~~

Mission Day 1: 1655 Hours

Pinkie drug the struggling phoenix into Celestia’s room with some difficulty. Through either luck or planning on Luna’s part, the net both managed to keep from burning or melting and to stay intact, despite containing a rather unhappy phoenix.

Weird that this place is unlocked. Well, time to get to work!

With a few more hearty heaves, the net was finally brought to the cage, where Pinkie let it open inside and slammed the door. Philomena squawked and flung herself against the cage, causing it to rattle wildly, but this was evidently a common occurrence, as the cage remained upright.

“Sorry birdie. Nothing personal, but I’ve gotta kill ya. Uh, somehow.”

Oh yeah, fire extinguisher.

Removing the fire extinguisher from her party stash in Celestia’s room (You can’t be too careful when it comes to parties and explosives), she turned back to Philomena, whose eyes widened at the sight.

“Sorry. Well, not sorry. You’re pretty hard to catch. But this is for the greater good… I think. I’m getting paid pretty well anyway.”

With that, she let loose the full fury of white goop. And the goop was angry that day.

~~~

Mission Day 2: 04:33 Hours Personal Log Entry 1

I just can’t kill this bird! I mean, duh, it’s immortal, but I didn’t know it’d be this immortal.

I’ve tried everything, and I mean everything I can think of. My first try was spraying her with the fire extinguisher in my party stash, but she just got really annoyed.

So then I thought, okay, maybe I have to kill her a normal way first. No problem, right? So I shot her, ashes, blah blah blah. Well, I tried soaking the ashes too, but she just popped out again.

Okay, maybe it has to be actual water. I tried that too. Nope.

Alright then, new method. I blow up the ashes into even smaller pieces. Nope.

Then I thought, hmm, ashes are a lot like sand, right? And if you melt sand it turns into glass, I think. So I fought fire with fire. That apparently doesn’t work, which means it makes no sense to use that as an expression for something that does work. And ponies think I’m weird.

I don’t know when Celestia’s supposed to get back, and Luna already stopped by once. I had to tell her Philomena was really hard to find. She said it should be easier in the dark. Gee, thanks. :(

~~~

Mission Day 2: 0750 Hours Personal Log Entry 2

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. And I know ridiculous. >:(

I’ve tried dropping a block of ice on it, hitting it with a bunch of water balloons, teleporting it to Yak Yakistan, took it outside during the night when it rained, fed it poisoned cupcakes (my special ones, too!), blasting it with more fire, and even smacking it with a chicken tenderizer (not the best idea, but I was getting desparate).

This chicken is invulnerable.

I can only think of one more thing to try, but HQ won’t be happy about it…

I have a phone call to make.

Pinkie put up her laptop and took out her red phone. This was only to be used in emergencies, but she was frantic enough she was pretty sure it’d count.

At first, the phone rang and rang, but soon enough, a regal voice answered. “Hello?”

“Um, hello. This is agent Strange Brew, your majesty.”

“Hello, Pinkie Pie! I haven’t spoken to you in a while. How are you doing?”

Pinkie shifted in her seat. Somehow, this being over the phone made it more awkward than it would’ve been in the flesh. “Oh, nothing, nothing…”

“Then why did you use the red phone?”

Sweat began to pour from her forehead. “No reason! I just, uh, wanted to talk!”

Pinkie could feel the deadpan look Celestia was giving her through the phone. “Sure. In all seriousness, what’s wrong?”

She swallowed. “Well, um, I have a... hypothetical situation. Y’know, for a friend.”

“... for a… friend...”

Ugh, I can even feel those ellipses. “Y⏤yeah! So, hypothetically, not really real or anything, what if you had to… um… y’know, ‘dispose’ of a… firey bird?” Yep, she totally bought that.

“... you’re asking me how to kill a phoenix?”

“Yes! I mean no! I mean… um.... No.”

“May I ask what ‘friend’ this is for?”

“W⏤well, this is all hypothetical, so⏤”

“You mean there isn’t actually a friend?”

“... no?”

“One moment.”

At that, Celestia teleported directly into the room, giving her full sight of both Pinkie and the now very haggard phoenix. She looked very displeased. Huh. Wonder why.

“What is this?” she demanded.

“Well, um, this isn’t what it looks like?”

Celestia gave her a puzzled look. “Pardon?”

“Well, you asked and⏤”

“Oh, no, I was talking to Philomena.”

Despite already looking terrible, Philomena managed to look even worse at that. She gave a few squawks, and Celestia shook her head. “What did I say about that, young lady?” She squawked a few more times, and Celestia only sighed.

Pinkie looked on at the scene, hardly processing what was happening. She isn’t angry?

“Wait, wait, what’s going on?” she asked.

Celestia looked between Pinkie and Philomena. “Well, it appears my phoenix has decided to… what’s the phrase the fillies nowadays use… ‘troll’ you. Why exactly are you trying to kill her?”

“Um, a new assignment.”

“Were you told who it was from?”

“No, it was one of those boring old anonymous parties.”

“Ah. That would have been Philomena. You can’t actually kill a phoenix.”

“At all?”

“At all. Evidently, she thought it would be fun to drive you even more crazy trying to find a way to kill her.” Philomena squawked again, and Celestia gave her a disapproving glance. “Just because it’s fun doesn’t mean it’s right.”

“... what?” For once in her life, Pinkie was speechless. Was she just duped by a bird?

Celestia stared at her, apparently trying to find the proper words to answer the ever-popular ‘what.’ “Well, it appears you have been duped by a bird.”

“... oh.”

Well. Horseapples.

Author's Note

Written for the F*** This Prompt 10 Contest.

Thanks to a friend for helping flesh out some ideas!