It's that day again.
Feelings rush back, strong ones, but not the ones I'm expecting today. I'm normally sad today, but I feel different. Maybe I'm getting more used to sadness. I guess it's grown on me since I experienced loss for the first time. It felt odd to feel actual sadness.
It would be quicker to just snap my fingers and teleport to the river, but as a sign of honour I don't use magic today. I used to not understand the idea of honour, but it was taught to me eventually. I realise now what true honour is.
I walked through the town, ignoring the stares and the confused looks. I really would have thought that the ponies in this town would have gotten used to me being around. It's been a thousand years since I was turned back from stone.
I could hear it now. The soft sloshing of the water as it slid along the bank. I couldn't see it, but I was getting closer.
I pushed back the branches with my paw, and came to the field. It was beautiful. There were clumps of lilies and violets and tulips and many other flowers I couldn't put a name to. There were few animals roaming about, but they all ran away when they saw me. If Fluttershy was here, they wouldn't have minded.
I chuckled at that thought. Fluttershy wouldn't be here to reassure them that they were safe. She would never be again. Fluttershy...
I stared into space dreamily. Slowly laying down, I sat next to the bank of the river and twiddle my thoughts around and seeing what I could dream up. I wouldn't create it, not today, but I could imagine it.
I imagined Fluttershy's long, light pink hair, flowing down her face like a waterfall. It was cute when she hid her face behind it, smiling shyly, trying not to attract attention. I imagined her bright yellow fur, like butter. I laughed. That was joke we often shared, as I turned her coat into a melting buttery mess.
I imagined the years turning her hair silver, and deep laughter lines etched into her face more prominently than ever. I imagined her wings stretching out in a long sigh, as beautiful as ever in the setting sun.
I could almost see her face now, but it was already fading. But the memories of her would never fade. I remembered that sweet, kind pegasus who gave me a chance when nobody else would. I remembered the soft voice, the bright smile, and the beautiful friendship she gave me. The beautiful love.
I thought on that for a moment. Nobody really knew what went on in my chaotic mind, not even me sometimes, but for once I thought straight.
Had I really loved her? I had never known what love and friendship was before I met Fluttershy, so was that too far a leap?
I decided no. I guess I had really loved Fluttershy. I just hadn't realised it before. The warmth I felt around her, the faith and trust. How had I not realised before?
I suddenly became angry. I growled, slamming my fists into the ground. The grass and ground was quite spongy, so I wasn't hurt, but it's not like I cared anyway. Now I was driven by pure rage. I was angry with myself. Angry with everyone else. Angry with the world.
I felt lost. Alone. Afraid. I had never thought that the embodiment of chaos himself could get as sentimental as this. I had never thought that I would lose someone so dear to me. I had never thought I'd lose anyone at all. I had planned to just rule the world in chaos. But even though Fluttershy was gone, I wouldn't turn back to that. I would keep my word. The very last words she said to me were:
"Promise me Discord."
For the first time that night, I smile a genuine smile. You'd think it wouldn't help to relinquish memories on the anniversary of your best friend's death, but for me, it helps with the pain. I've done it every year, for a thousand years, and I've always smiled into the end and accepted that this has happened, and I'm not the only one who lives with the pain of losing your friends.
I looked up at the moon, shining white against the black, starry background. The night air felt cool, and I lay back, thinking of times long past. Then I remembered.
I picked a few of the lilies and tied them into a bunch. I walked over to a particular set of trees and walked staring into the middle of them. There was a small patch of ground here, and it was well taken care of. No weeds grew on it, and the gravestone was not weathered in any way, as a spell had been put on it to keep the writing clear as the day it had been put into the ground.
Fluttershy had gotten what she wanted. She had requested that she be buried between the nature that she loved so much, and she had gotten her wish.
I lay the flowers down carefully so I didn't ruin them. They were different colours, white and orange and pink, but it didn't matter. It was heartfelt, and that's what she would have wanted. That's what she did want.
When she first died, I could face the harsh reality. I denied it because I didn't want to believe that it happened. But I knew, deep down, it would happen someday. There was a certain degree of comfort in the inevitable. If I could remember her, that's all that mattered.
"Here's to good friends," I said tearfully. "I love you."