You know what sucks? Not getting any.
You know what makes it worse? Having a fresh, unopened, box of condoms hidden in the back of your sock drawer for the day it finally does happen.
You know what's the worst? When that box of condoms is about to expire, and you're stuck in a world of technicolor horses.
That's where you find yourself on this Saturday afternoon; standing in front of your sock drawer, picking between the red-heart underwear and the blue-striped underwear, trying to decide what to do with this box of condoms. They followed with you to Equestria, just before you were going to finally break that dry streak of yours. Life truly is pain.
However, there's no sense on dwelling on it.
You grab the box and turn it over in your hands. There's gotta be something you can do with this. You know there's no such thing as condoms in Equestria. With a sigh, you sit on your bed.
So, for all they know, this could be some sort of balloon or some sort of ribbed plastic bag. Hell, it wouldn't even be fun to fling these at their faces, because they wouldn't be grossed out about it. You might get some fun if you give them to Pinkie as balloons. Seeing a little filly carry a condom-balloon dog around town would be priceless.
But there's gotta be something better. Something else that you could do with these. Come on... think. Use your noggin.
What in Equestria looks like a penis?
You put on some clothes, thinking of what your shenanigans for the day could be. It could be funny to convince Stallions that they help keep them warm in the cold weather, but it's spring. That would be one hell of a long con. Plus... would these even fit? Don't visualize that.
Don't think of Big Macintosh in a scarf and – STOP.
You shake your head, trying to erase that terrible image from your mind. You could try convincing Spike it's a tail warmer. Shower caps for tails? Come on, you can do better. Think.
Then, it hits you. The perfect plan.
You straighten up, run into your room, tear open the box, and stuff the small square packages in your pocket. Step one: Find a unicorn.
You power-walk through Equestria, trying to spy your first victim. Pinkie Pie trots by with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, telling them some sort of story. You shake your head. On one hand, it would be a little fun to terrorize Sweetie Belle, but you have to think bigger. Plus, you have standards.
You can do better than making fun of a filly. No, you need a challenge.
You trot by the flower shop and spy Roseluck, sprucing up her flowers. Earth Pony. Damn. Next.
You pick up the pace in impatience. Each pony only brings you more and more frustration.
Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy? No.
Mayor Mare. No.
Octavia. No.
Bon Bon. No.
You trudge past her, when you notice the friend walking beside her. Turning on the spot, you see the familiar lime-green horse. Lyra Heartstrings.
Target sighted.
"Hey Lyra!"
Lyra and Bonbon turn to look at you, putting their conversation on pause.
"One sec, Bonnie."
Bon Bon nods as Lyra trots over to you. Alright, Anon. Play it cool. All you have to do is play the salesman.
"What's up, Anon?" she asks.
"Well, see. I have this new invention."
You pull one of the square packages from your pocket with a wide smile.
"OH MY GOD YES! I really needed a piece of gum."
Her green aura pulls the love glove from your hand, rips off the outer packaging, and pops the rubber piece in her mouth.
"I, uhm."
She begins chewing on it, and her face lights up.
"Tastes like strawberry!"
"I, uh. Actually, it's not gum."
Lyra's eyes shoot open and her ears turn down.
"Oh thank goodness. I didn't know how to break it to you, but this is waaaayyy too rubbery for good gum."
You sigh and place a hand to your forehead.
"I'll keep that in mind."
Lyra spits the condom out of her mouth into her hoof and stares at it.'
"Well, what is it then?"
"Well, you see. I began doing some research on Unicorn horns."
She looks at you curiously, her ears perked.
"Really?"
"Yes. And, did you know that by exposing your horn to the open air, you continually lose some of your magical charge?"
She shakes her head.
"No! I didn't."
"Well of course not. It's a fact of life. It happens to every unicorn. Even Celestia. But I'm sure if you noticed if I took a bit from your bank account every day. If you lost a bit a day, every day-"
"That would be a lot of money," she says, entranced.
"Precisely. So, I wanted to show you my all-new Unicorn Horn Magic Protector, trademark."
"What's a trademark?" she asks.
"Never-mind that," you reply. "I wanted to give you a free trial of it and tell me what you think."
"Really?!" she asks. "Wow! How does it work?"
Sold.
"Well, it's simple. All you have to do is roll the little protector over your horn, and you should already begin to feel the way that it grips your horn, preventing the magic from escaping."
She analyzes the device carefully.
"Oh! I see, it's all rolled up... so it has to be this way…"
Placing the condom on the tip of her horn, she begins to unroll it down her length. You do your best to keep a straight face as it grips tightly and rolls all the way down to the base.
"Wow! It fits so well! And I can feel how tightly it grips me."
Your breathing gets heavier as you place a hand on your mouth.
"My horn feels waaay better protected now! What happens if I use magic at the same time?"
You reach out a hand in panic.
"Wait! Uh, that’s untested!"
Lyra lights up her horn, and the condom pulsates with vibrant lime green light.
"It's like a glow worm!!! It's so cute!"
You have to take a moment to recompose yourself as you turn away.
"Good. Great. Test passed!" you say, trying to keep yourself composed.
"I really like these, Anon! I'll be sure to tell every unicorn I see about this awesome invention!"
"Lyra, what's taking so long?" Bon Bon asks, approaching the two of you.
"Bonnie, look at this cool horn protector Anon gave me!"
Oh shit. Well, here we go.
"Yes! Uh, sorry Bon Bon. It's just for unicorns."
Bon Bon stares at the condom carefully.
"Anon," she says flatly.
Shit. The jig is up.
"You realize that this is just a wing warmer for horns, right?" she says.
"Uh, yeah."
"It's genius," Bon Bon says. "I've been telling ponies for YEARS that I have no idea why something like this hasn't been made yet."
Your jaw drops.
"Really?!"
"Yeah! In fact, you know who you should show this to? Rarity. I bet she could put these on the MAP! Goodness. With a few color choices, and some glitter, I bet you could get unicorns all across Equestria wearing your horn warmer."
"But Bonnie! It gets even better! It protects my magic too!"
"Really?" she asks.
"Yeah! Look!"
Lyra lights up the condom once more."
"Ohmygoodness! It's like a glow worm!"
"Right?!"
Your sides begin to ache from trying to hold back all of your laughter. This is ridiculous.
"Anon, you have to go see Rarity this instant. This is too good to pass up."
"You got it. I'll see you guys later."
"See ya, Anon! I'll tell everypony I see!" Lyra says.
You set off at a run towards Carousel Boutique. This is the greatest idea you've ever had. If you could get a large chunk of Equestria wearing condoms on their head. Heck, if you could get a Princess to wear a condom on their head. You would single-handedly become the biggest troll in Equestria.
You now have a new purpose in life.
When you get to Carousel Boutique, you knock hard on the door.
"Uhm, it's open?" calls Rarity from inside.
Oh, right. It's a shop. Not just a house.
You burst inside and close the door behind you. Rarity stares at you in shock and curiosity.
"Anon?"
"Are we alone?" you ask, trying to set the mood.
"I uhm, yes?" she replies.
You lock the door behind you and move to the window, staring outside.
"Anon, is something wrong, dear?"
"Nothing we discuss gets to leave this building, do you understand?" you ask.
Rarity's tail goes still and she takes a step back.
"Uhm, yes?"
You turn to face her, taking slow, careful steps towards the fashion pony.
"Rarity, we have the chance to change the world."
She looks at you in surprise.
"You've heard of the wing warmer, right?"
"Why of course? Who hasn't?" she says.
"Well, today, I'm going to show you the next biggest thing. A horn warmer."
"A horn warmer?" Rarity says. "Anon, the fashion industry has already looked into horn warmers. They constrict your magical ability. They're impractical."
"But! You also can't run in a dress. What I have today is different. This," you say, pulling a package out of your pocket. "Is disposable."
"Like pantyhose?"
"Wait, you guys have pantyhose in- Actually never-mind. Yes, like pantyhose."
"Interesting," she says, taking the package with her light-blue magic. "How does it work?"
"Simple, open the package and let the fun begin."
"Fun?" she asks, interested.
"I, er. I mean, it's fun to put it on. Kinda. Just, try it out."
Rarity looks down at the package, then opens it, pulling the condom out.
"Well, it certainly isn't much to look at."
"Well yes, it's just a beta. That's where I'm hoping you could help. Different styles. Different colors."
"Hmmm. So then... Do I just put it on?"
"Actually, it unrolls. You need to have the rolling side down."
Rarity turns it over in her magical grip, then has a moment of clarity.
"Oh! I see. It's so simple."
She lifts the condom over her horn and unrolls it over her horn with her magic, the material glowing a bright neon blue as it covers the horn.
"My goodness! It's so snug!"
"Feeling warmer already?"
"Why yes! It is. And with different colors, I'm sure this could really take it off! I could see mares and stallions alike wearing it to parties! Gifting them to children! There will have to be smaller sizes for the young ones of course."
"Erm. Maybe just for adults."
"Why of course. Just at first. We have to assess interest, of course. But then, we can take it in a sexy direction. Just think of the ways this could go in the bedroom, why I bet-"
Rarity's eyes shoot open. She stares at you. A bead of sweat runs down your forehead.
"Anon. I'd like to purchase this idea from you."
"Why?"
"Horn Fetish is a very real-"
You have to do everything in your power to remain standing and not begin to cry in laughter.
"How about we work out the details after I get done with this beta test?"
"Done. Just keep the test size small. In fact, get Twilight involved. If we could get her as a backer, then these will sell like hot cakes."
"Oh my god. You think so?" you ask, trying not to lose your shit.
"Yes. Who else knows?"
"Lyra Heartstrings."
"Oh my goodness! She'll tell everypony! Okay. I'll get to Lyra, you get to Twilight. Then, we can discuss a plan of attack."
"Deal. Let's do this."
The two of you make your way out the door of Carousel Boutique. With a quick nod, the two of you set off on your journey. You immediately set a course for Twilight's Castle. How in the world are you going to sell this to her? Twilight's always been a bit more nervous when it comes to trying new things. And drawing attention to her horn? She could worry that it would be disgraceful for a princess.
You could try peer pressuring her by saying it's for Rarity's fashion line. It's worked before anyway.
"HUMAN!"
Shit.
"Human! You halt right this instant! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands it!"
You turn on a dime to see the infamous traveling magician trotting towards you, with a very angry look on her face.
"How dare you not invite The Great and Powerful Trixie to join in your product testing!"
"Well, uhm. Sorry Trix, I just."
"Don't you 'Trix' me, Anonymous. I do not have time for your apologies. Do you not realize that The Great and Powerful Trixie is one of the most Great and most Powerful unicorns, in all of Equestria?!"
"Well, of course, but-"
"Then, does it not make perfect sense that you shall give me one of your Magic Enhancement Rods?"
"That's not what it's-"
"Does it not?!"
"It does, it totally does," you say, taking a step back.
"Then! Give me one and The Great and Powerful Trixie will consider forgetting this mistake ever happened."
"I, uh, sure."
You pull a condom out of your pocket and she quickly snatches it from your grasp with her magic. She rips it from the package and forcefully shoves it on her horn.
"I, uhm. You have to be gentle."
"I will treat it as roughly as I want to."
You can't help but feel slightly turned on at her choice of words. Come on, boner. Calm down. Let's not make this weird.
Well, weirder.
Trixie unrolls the condom down to the base of her forehead.
"There. That's much better. Trixie already feels her magical powers growing from this magic glove. Thank you, Anonymous, that will be all."
"You're... welcome?"
Trixie turns tail, then trots off proudly, leaving you alone and slightly bothered.
"What just happened?" you mutter.
Actually, never-mind, back on course. You turn towards Twilight's Castle and set off at a run. Crossing the bridge to her castle, you come to a dead halt in front of the large doors and knock three times. You take a moment to catch your breath as you wait for Princess Twilight to answer.
Come on, Anon. This is it. The moment of truth. If you don't wrap this up, the consequences could be dire.
You could have found a way for all of Equestria to love you. But you have to make this work. No glove, no love.
The door opens and Twilight stands on the other side, with her usual cheery smile.
"Oh! Hi, Anon. What can I help you with?"
"Twilight, thank goodness you're home. Quick! Rarity and I wanted to talk to you about a business proposal."
"Really?" she asks with interest.
"Yes, yes. Can I come inside?" you ask.
"Sure, just be sure to put on some protection first."
You look at her in shock.
"We just waxed the floors, so Spike and I are wearing socks."
"OH!" you say just a little too loudly.
You take off your shoes and enter the castle behind Twilight. Following Twilight to the dining room, she levitates a pitcher of water and two glasses.
"So where is Rarity? I'd think she would be joining you if she wanted to propose something business like."
"We're trying to expedite the process. She's seeing to our focus group right now."
"Wow!" Twilight says in surprise. "She must think this really has promise. What is it?"
"Well, it's quite simple. We want to help Unicorns everywhere keep their horns safe."
Twilight gives you a curious look.
"Really?"
"Yes. You're a smart pony. How many different things could happen to a horn?"
"My goodness. So many things. We can get it caught on things. Accidental spells. Frostbite on the horn is a nightmare. Horns really are quite a bother sometimes."
"Well, we've came up with a new invention that could not only protect your horn, but become the next big fashion trend."
"Oh really?" she asks.
You pull another package from your pocket.
"I give you, the Horn Protector."
"Not much of a name."
"It's a work in progress."
She looks at the package carefully.
"It's awful small," she says.
A part of you inside feels hurt.
"Well, I'll give you the rundown. First of all, it's sterile, for those neat freaks out there."
You tear the packaging off and pull out the condom inside.
"It's easy to put on. It just rolls down your horn. Plus, it's small size saves on packaging costs. To help the environment. You can re-use them, if you want, but I wouldn't suggest it. They could break. Then you can throw them away when you're done! And it'll just decompose."
"Interesting... does it inhibit my magic?" she asks.
"Well, yes... but-"
Twilight hums in disapproval.
"It's a little thin, how is it going to keep my horn warm? Or protected at all?"
She takes the condom from your hand with her magic and examines it a bit closer to her face.
"Well, it'll ensure that none of your magic accidentally leaks out. Plus, since it conducts warmth, you could just give your horn a little glow, and it will warm it up. One of our testers said it made their horn looked cute, and Rarity is thinking of different colors. I bet one with stars would look fantastic on you."
Twilight blushes a little, but looks back to the condom.
"I don't know... I have to be really picky these days. Being a Princess and all…"
"One of our focus testers said they found their magic to be stronger."
"Really?" she asked in curiosity.
"Of course... we haven't really had the chance to test it... but-"
"Who was it? May I ask?"
"Well…"
This could be it. Twilight is staring you down, her ears perked and eyes focused. This is her selling point. Would it be fair to say that condoms help her magic? Placebo effect is a real thing. You could probably get away with it... plus, it's not like condoms don't make the magic happen.
"Actually, it was Trixie who said it made her magic stronger."
"Trixie!?" Twilight exclaims.
"Yeah. She said-"
"I'm in," Twilight said, a look of jealousy covering her face.
Twilight takes the condom and wraps it down over her horn.
"Well, good. Then-"
"How long does it take to work? Minutes? Hours?"
"Well, I mean it should start working immediately, but-"
"What happens if I use more than one?" she asks.
"I don't know, really."
Twilight stares at you.
"Give me ten."
"Ten?!"
"Now!"
You take the whole roll of condoms out of your pocket and Twilight trots to you and takes them with her hoof.
"There is no way I'll let Trixie best me... The more I put on, the effect will be even stronger..." she mutters to herself.
Twilight takes each condom from the packaging and slips them over her horn, one by one. You do your best to keep your composure as her horn has five, then ten, and then finally twenty condoms wrapping it. She gives it a gentle purple glow, as the horn has easily grown a half of an inch in width.
"Perfect. Tell Rarity I'm in. I'll make sure these sell like hot cakes."
"Thank you, Twilight. You're the real hero."
"Not a problem."
You nod to her, then exit the castle, wearing a wide grin. You just got a princess to wear twenty condoms on her head, and now she's going to be in every magazine, newspaper and store display in Equestria, getting ponies to buy condoms and put them on their horns.
Stretching your arms, you realize that not only is this your greatest work, but you're going to become rich from this. Barring the implications that you brought human technology to a different world and forever changed that world because of it, you probably even made this place better because of it.
Ponies are going to think you're a good person. And from now on, you are going to walk on every street corner and see ponies nonchalantly wearing condoms on their horns.
You are a fucking genius.
"Welp, time to hit up Rarity. I've got some money to make."
Author's Note
This story is contained in my book "Dash Tries to Win Your Heart and Other Short Pony Stories"
If you have interest in purchasing this non-profit book, check out my online store at this link: http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=1662371
