It's not you, it's what the world tells you.
Thunderlane gave me a nuzzle as he lead me out of the snow into the warmth of the restaurant. He smiled at me. "Here babe, let me grab your coat."
He helped me out of it. I tried my best to smile. The tragic part was that he was genuinely trying to cheer me up.
He's a good stallion, he's a good stallion...
Maybe if I repeated it to myself often enough it would sink in. The worst part was, it was true. By any definition of the word he was a perfect gentleman. He didn't even think of leaving when I told him I wanted to be a girl, he told me he'd always love me no matter what.
He'd done so much for me over the past few months. He'd comforted me, he'd stood up for me when people said mean ignorant things, he'd opened doors for me, he'd even started opening jars for me when the estrogen affected my muscles...
It hadn't affected them that much honestly, but he still opened all my jars after he caught me shaking an ache out of a hoof. Once. He was so... considerate. Wasn't he?
But I wasn't happy. Oh and he knew it, the bastard, he knew it and he became even nicer because of it. He bought me flowers, he bought me jewelry. I liked both those things. Why did they make me want to puke?
And now here we were, sitting at my favorite Prench restaurant that cost two good hooves to even get a reservation for where he was treating me to a lovely meal and waiting on me hand and foot.
He pulled out a chair for me and I flinched. He noticed it. He looked tense.
But he kept smiling. He was always, bucking, smiling...
I sat down and we opened our menus, looking anywhere but at each other. The silence was palpable. We placed our orders and still we said nothing.
"I'm sorry..." he said finally.
I frowned. He meant it, he really did... Even if he didn't know what he was sorry for. I forced a smile, again. "Sweetie, it's okay. You haven't done anything wrong."
He actually hadn't. That was the dumb part.
"I don't buy that." He said. He looked sad, almost... annoyed.
For some reason it was the most attractive he'd seemed in weeks.
We were interrupted by our waiter coming with our salads. He placed them down with a flourish. I caught him paying special attention to me. Why wouldn't he? He was straight (presumably), and hormones and magic had done wonders for me. I was beautiful, every inch an impressive specimen. I used to meet my face in the mirror with a sigh at best. Now I loved catching glimpses. I loved the new me, he clearly did too. We had similar tastes...
So why did I want to beat his face in until he didn't have any teeth left?
He left, noticing nothing. The love of my life on the other hand, could read me like a book. "Okay did he spit in your salad or something?" He asked.
I sighed. "No, he was perfect, just perfect..." I reached for the pepper grinder.
My coltfriend was faster, picking it up and wandering over to my salad. "Here, let me-"
I snatched the stupid thing out of his grubby hooves and snarled at him. "NO! No, you bucking don't! Back. Off!"
He stepped back, a look of horror on his face. "I... I was just trying to-"
I got right in his face. "To what? It's a bucking pepper grinder Thunderlane! What? Am I too weak to break a pepper corn? Did I suddenly forget how to feed myself?"
He looked completely lost. His big, beautiful eyes had no idea what to make of this, what to make of me.
Ponies were starting to stare. I didn't care. I threw down the grinder and galloped out, full tilt. I charged into the snow and ran... And ran... And ran...
#
I have no idea how long I was running. All I knew was that when I stopped I was so exhausted I could barely breathe.
I was in an apple orchard. Sweet Apple Acres maybe. Didn't know, didn't care.
I was hot, scorching hot. You could literally see steam coming off of me.
I sat down against a tree trunk, plopping right into the snow. I was crying. When had I started crying?
"CARAMEL!" Came the last voice I wanted to hear. I grit my teeth. I would have bolted if I had enough energy to move.
The black stallion burst through the trees, looking completely terrified. "Caramel thank Celestia I found you!"
I snorted. "What do you want?" I snapped.
Thunderlane's eye twitched. "I wanted to give you your coat." He said holding out the garment. "You know, that thing you left in the restaurant? That thing that stops you from freezing to death in the snow? This thing?"
I rolled my eyes. "That's great sweetie, why don't you put it on for me? Maybe then you can carry me home and wipe my ass when I need to use the toilet, won't that be great?"
Something snapped in the pegasus. "Okay Caramel, what the buck is going on? I have been a stars damned saint here! I have been working my flank off for you and you've just been acting like a... a..."
I snarled at him, narrowing my eyes. "Go on, say it."
"A BITCH!" He shouted. "You have been acting like a complete and total bitch."
Somehow, I got up. "Oh, so I'm a bitch now? Not a jerk, not an asshole, not some nasty motherbucker, but a bitch. Well maybe I'm a bitch because you've been treating me like one."
He stomped his hooves. "Oh come on! In what universe have I been anything but wonderful to you! You went through something huge and I did everything I could to make you feel better! I treated you like the best mare on the planet! I bucking worshiped you!"
The tears came back. "Thunderlane, I don't want to be worshiped, okay?"
That gave him pause. He stared at me, his wings falling. "What? What are you talking about?"
I grabbed his head and turned his eyes to mine. "Thunderlane, for Celestia's sake, look at me. Look at my eyes, they haven't changed! I'm exactly the same person you fell in love with. I nailed my horse shoes on crooked, I ate six burritos and farted the house up, I told you about the time I punched a vase because it was in the wrong place after I saw that creepy movie. I am a stupid, disorganized mess and I am the pony you laughed at and fell in love with."
I looked down at the frozen earth. "But now... It's like you think I'm some sort of different person or something. Whenever I tripped on something before you used to roll your eyes before picking me up with a snort, and now you run over to me asking if you need to fly me to the emergency room... You don't treat me like a pony any more. I'm just something you need to take care of."
He took a step towards me, holding out a hoof. "Cara..."
I turned away, putting a hoof on a tree to steady myself. "I knew it would happen a little... They always talk about losing 'stallion's privilege' or whatever. I knew people were going to be dicks because they knew I was a mare now, but... I never thought you would be one of them. When we were 'that gay couple' it was us against the world. The other ponies didn't know what to make of us, but who cared? We could handle anything so long as we were together. We were badass, we were strong!"
I let out a cold, cold breath. "And now it's all over. Now we're not together anymore. We're not partners. I'm just some fragile toy to you..."
Silence. For what felt an eternity we just sat there, letting the reality sink in.
Then he threw a snowball at me.
I flinched. I threw up my hooves. "What the buck was that!?"
He threw another one. He looked deathly serious.
I stared at him. "What the flipping buck Thunder!? What are you-?"
He threw a third, then a fourth. I ducked behind the damn tree to stop the icy shit from getting all over me. I snarled and threw a wad of snow back, hard. It smacked him right between the eyes, right in his stupid mohawk.
He shook it off, then kept throwing. I matched him. We pounded snow at eachother, covering ourselves in frozen, spattered white as we howled in rage...
I don't know how long we kept it up, screaming and pummeling ice into our coats... All I know is at some point we were both breathing heavy and looked like we were about to fall over.
Thunderlane panted at me. "You... You had enough you spoiled pansy?" He stumbled trying to roll another ball.
I weakly tossed a half formed clump of snow. It went wide. "I'm... I'm just getting started dickwad."
He spat at the ground. "Yeah right, L-like you... like you could step to me...."
I felt one of my legs buckle. I forced myself back up. "You... you're a son of a bitch you know?"
He growled. "Well you're an asshole."
I grit my teeth. "You would know diaper wipe!"
"Motherfucker!"
"Shit for brains!"
"Bastard!"
I charged him and started furiously kissing him. We tumbled onto the ground and I made damn sure I stayed on top. We made the most screwed up snow angel ever as we thrashed and wrestled...
Finally I rolled off him. We stared up at the stars, panting.
I coughed out a lump of phlegm and frozen air. "Right... You get the message?"
He wheezed and smirked. "Yeah, I get it. Even if you've got a pussy, y'all are still an asshole."
I snorted. "And don't you forget it."
He forced himself up, groaning at the strain. He looked down at me. "Well? Are you just going to lie there forever?"
I rolled on to my stomach. Every fiber of my being burned in pain. I'd pulled every muscle in my body and all I wanted to do was lay down and die.
Instead I got to my knees, then my hooves.
My coltfriend smiled. "We going home then?"
I nodded, my lips curling up. "Yeah, let's do that."
He snorted, turning around. "Okay then. Try to keep up."
He started moving forward with a shaky, broken gait. I managed one about as graceful and pressed into his side. "Need to prop you up a bit there champ." I said haughtilly.
He rolled his eyes, "Sure it's not the other way around?"
"Bite me."
"Already did."
"I love you."
"I love you too..."
And then we went home, together.
